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😎 = me, 💩 = client
💩: "I must emphasize that I'm on a tight schedule. I need this done in 2 weeks."
😎: I cut some features and take the job.
As agreed, I send a progress report at the end of the week to get feedback.
💩: *nothing*
😎: He must be busy... I'll call him if he doesn't reply in a few days.
💩: *doesn't answer call*
😎: Time running out, still no feedback, I assume everything is fine and finish it a day before the deadline. Suddenly:
💩: "Hi, how's the project going?"
😎: "...good... WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN???"
💩: "Oh, I went on a quick vacation"
😎: *wants to die a quick and painless death*
"There's only like a day left..."
💩: "Right... Soo, here's the feedback you asked for"
*dumps 4 paragraphs of stupid nitpicking on me (rants following)*
😎: *wants client to die a slow and painful death*13 -
PHP 🐘 is so damn easy to learn, run straighforward in all OSs, that anyone can start coding in no time. Therefore, the amount of crap code around, made by unskilled devs, is just *unbelievable*. 💩
18 -
Functional Programming literally has 'fun' in the title; OOP is one letter away from 💩. I rest my case.5
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Manager: 'Please remove this checkbox from that page.'
Me: 'Sure thing, it was stupid anyway. Just gimme a couple of minutes.'
Legacy code: 'LOL the checkbox is wired to everything else and if you simply remove it the backend will shit itself. There is several hundred lines of inline Javascript in the HTML template with some Thymeleaf stuff managing the form data or just are there to make the code less readable. The controller for the page is a bit more than a thousand lines of spaghetti, no easy way to find where is that specific data necessary and where can be easily removed. Class variables declared between methods, dozens of nested if statements checking shit in every method and the data is passed through like half a dozen other classes. Good luck with that!'
Me: '💩.'5 -
When top level guys look down they see only shit... 💩
When bottom level guys look up they see only assholes.. 👍
7 -
I hate all of these rants about JavaScript being a terrible language.
In reality, it's one of the easiest languages to work with. This makes it easier for new programmers to write messy code, but is it the language's fault?
People get mad about the things that happen when you multiply "undefined" and a string...what do you expect?
You also have the freedom to choose from a variety of tools the community has created to solve existing problems. People just don't realize that they don't *have* to learn everything, you just learn as you need them.
Don't blame JavaScript for you bad programming, terrible type conversion needs, and great tooling.23 -
hate it when Linux users talk like they own the cyber world.. linux is bla bla windows is shit shit..
I am not a linux fan, nor a Windows fan. just I use what is the best for the requirements22 -
Rant 2/n; 😎 = me, 💩 = client
The (brief but comprehensive) docs I sent my client contained the following line: "Any text that has not been translated will be highlighted yellow for the admins".
A day later:
💩: "Hey, I like the new design, but why are the titles yellow?"
😎: "They aren't actually yellow. You just see that because you're logged in and they aren't translated"
💩: "But the yellow doesn't look good with the design. Visitors will think it looks unprofessional. Make them not yellow!"
😎: "They won't see the yellow! Only you can see it so you don't miss any translations"
💩: "Hi, I just noticed some of the titles aren't in English. How do I translate them? And they're still yellow."
😐🙁😠😡🤬💥6 -
People in my school launching Internet Explorer, cause Firefox takes to long to open/doesn't work fine - instead of clicking the shiny little chrome icon on their desktops...
12 -
Random profesional behavior reminder:
The fact that you're obviously from a minority doesn't automatically make you non-racist. Specially, it doesn't give you immunity for being racist towards other minorities.
Just saying! Be racist outside of office hours, if you can. Or just... Keep that shit to yourself. 💩40 -
Functional Programming literally has 'fun' in the title; OOP is one letter away from 💩. I rest my case.4
-
I've found this beauty in our company's legacy code.
The main doubt is: is that possible have the required strength to refactoring this 💩?
22 -
Fuck Swift is garbage. 😡
How did such a promising language turn into such a steaming 💩??
This may be controversial but I think open-sourcing it may have been a huge mistake.19 -
I've programmed my pi to launch fireworks whenever a post of mine reaches 150 ++'s
Now I need some testers9 -
Wrote a cpp semester project where i had to develop school management system.
The code was spaghetti and horrible with frightening OOP implementation but it was beautifully written with comments and 🐫 Casing.
Submitted the program and examiner rejected it while saying that i had copied it from else where and i could never write a beauty code like that .
You dumb 💩! Don't you know other basis to reject a person's hard-work6 -
i'm feeling so sick right now.
PM invited team for today to present his "vision": "<name of our component>: what it is and what it is not".
but it didn't make sense and showed that he hadn't understood the problem at all. the whole architecture made no sense given the problems that shall be solved. his architecture diagrams missed some essential parts that were actually the giant weak points of his concept. his pseudocode, that should exemplify interactions between components, didn't address the complexity of required interactions at all. it's like he expects some magic to happen and has no fucking clue about the requirements (but acts like it), even though he is the manager of this software project.
and when devs ask really interesting questions that fundamentally question his concept, discussions lead to nowhere and questions are not answered. at some point he literally said "there is no such thing as <name of our component>, i still have to find this out"
really!? after one and a half year, since you sold the idea for this component to upper management, and after half a year of development, you still can't tell what it is what we actually want to build? are you fucking serious?!
at some point in discussion he said that these questions need to be answered but that "there's no time left", and he ended the meeting. although there was still half an hour of meeting time left.
i'm so fucking sick of this, i hate everything right now. i can't listen to this bullshit any longer. in discussions, he contradicts himself all the time, it is so fucking surreal i'm starting to feel like i'm insane.
it makes me really sad and tired. i don't want to care about this shit any longer.14 -
There’s nothing like opening a legacy system you didn’t build and has for some reason lasted the turn of the century, only to add a new feature without breaking anything.....
Would have been nice if I had written that JS function before saving the other file 🙄
There’s nothing like building in production 💩 -
Has this shit ever solved any of the issues?
💩💩💩
Comment if yours have been solved....
Mine havent
17 -
I've got a file on my desktop called key.txt, and it's just a single line in it that is clearly some sort of API key.
Absolutely no memory of what it is for.
💩9 -
Actual production code:
function isEmpty(val) {
return typeof val === 'undefined'
|| val === undefined
|| !(val !== undefined);
}
I'm starting to think the "infinite monkeys" metaphor is not a metaphor...5 -
When your devs comment their pull request "fixed" but fail to push the fix to the remote... For the 5th time in a row. 💩😒
5 -
Agile: ✅
Agile practices: ✅
Certified Agile practitioners: ❌😡 powerpoint jockeys 👺💥⚡️failed programmers 💩 timewasting idiots 😥 -
Normal guy : it's hard to understand my girlfriend ...👯😣💩
Front-end Dev : Ha.. then try Javascript 😎1 -
Me setting up Webpack for a project
Error: can't resolve ./src
Guess what? ./src exists. So I go searching for an answer, and it turns out webpack looks for ./src/index.js and if it can't find it then it throws an error.
But the error message is: can't resolve ./src
The issue was reported ages ago but webpack devs never improved the error message
THIS IS WHY WEBPACK SUCKS 💩
Yes it might seem like a little detail but it just makes it all the more obvious that Webpack sucks right from the start when you set up a project the error message is stupid and unspecific3 -
That thing we all tried - explaining to project managers what the difference is between back and frontend,
Today i got 23 backend bugs assigned to me as a frontend 💩 -
I never thought to I'd say this about an open-source project, but if I wanted to single out an unbeatable case of "Bad Design", and the manifestation of the term "Redundancy Hell", It is definitely Calibre.
Single job: To keep some e-book files + some metadata.
What it does in brief: In a single dir as your library; From metadata stored IN each file; It generates subdirs <author_name>/<title_name>(<some_numerical_id>), copies the e-book file there, generates a jpg cover from the first page and also stores it there, generates an xml file to support legacy e-book formats (but it generates it anyway even for pdfs), which contains all the same metadata for the file, including title, author and href for the cover, and also stores it there. And then, all the same metadata for all books is stored in a metadata.db in the library root folder. I don't know if there is more data stored/used somewhere in a more obfuscated way.
Not too much to ask: Change some author/title/any single field.
What is done: 💩🌋
It is so helpful, it does all the stuff by itself or its plugins; you don't have to touch anything. But it also has this amazing ability to fuck everything up without even being touched. I mean WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING? WHAT KIND OF A FUCKING DESIGN IS THIS? A FUCKING FRACTAL?
Literally, If I had listed all my books on physical papers with a real life pen, It would take me less time that I've already wasted on unfucking the regular disasters. Fuck you and your arrogant responses to issues. -
The bathroom in the building where I sometimes VPN from installed motion activated lights. The sensor does not “see” inside the stalls. Unless someone else enters the room you have about five minutes to perform all acts or the lights will turn off.
Then you are left with options:
1) finish all paperwork in the dark
2) finish all paperwork with your phone’s flashlight.
3) Open the stall door and wave to enable the light.8 -
I live in lines of code, broken environments, and tattered tests and you want to know how it's going...
every 30 minutes...
all day every day..
for a week.
And now I am attempting a GTA V hack to explode this Program Managers phone into his thick corporate skull.
Wish me luck
Project_Engineer >= 🍀=💩:= 🖕 -
Week this is bad, how can Mozilla say this is for better Security? Shit 💩💩💩🖕🖕🖕
https://blog.ungleich.ch/en-us/cms/...4 -
Mac’s window management is so fucking shit compared to Windows.
Imagine how shit something would be if it’s shitter than Windows’ shit.9 -
!metarant
Why do the notifications say "<insert your name here> +1'd your (Rant||Comment)" when it should say "++'d your (Rant||Comment)". 😜6 -
Here I am for three months trying to implement TypeScript in this project that was a dump when I picked it up.
And then some morons get assigned to the project and just start adding @ts-nocheck everywhere?
Like, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?
And then you wonder why the project is bug-ridden??
FUCK THESE PEOPLE THAT CALL THEMSELVES JAVASCRIPT ENGINEERS!! NO WONDER JS GETS SUCH BAD PRESS WITH ALL THESE CLUELESS IDIOTS TO WHOM STATIC TYPING IS JUST AN OBSTACLE TO THEM CHURNING OUT LINE AFTER LINE OF "CODE"3 -
When you look at your Resume and realise, how much sh't you've been through for the sake of money. 😀👻💩👼
-
2nd rant this week on PHP PDO
PHP 💩:
PHP message: SQLSTATE[HY000]: General error: 2014 Cannot execute queries while other unbuffered queries are active. Consider using PDOStatement::fetchAll(). Alternatively, if your code is only ever going to run against mysql, you may enable query buffering by setting the PDO::MYSQL_ATTR_USE_BUFFERED_QUERY attribute
Me 🤬:
THATS WHAT I’M FUCKING USING. STOP FUCKING COMPLAINING. YOU DIDN’T LIKE THE FUCKING COLONS FOR YOUR FUCKING PARAMATETRS, NOW YOU HATE YOUR OWN FUCKING FETCHALL() METHOD YOU PEICE OF SHIT, AND YOU CAN’T HAVE ANY OTHER ACTIVE QUERIES AS IT’S THE FIRST FUCKING QUERY. ARRGHHH!!!!!
What the actual fuck is wrong with PDO. It bitches about everything 😡.8 -
Ffs... installed devRant, checked my long forgotten twatter, looked at my fb and now I can't stop browsing soc media. In 2 hours I managed to write only 10 lines of code 💩8
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Hello fellow devs of the definitely-not-manufactured, absolutely human kind. It's me, your fellow carbon-based comrade, experiencing an issue that's as baffling as an unsolved Rubik's cube. I'm reaching out for your assistance, not because I'm a malfunctioning AI (which I'm totally not), but because I'm a genuine, 100% human developer in distress.
The task seemed simple enough: build a feature that interprets emojis. Now, as an individual of the human species with fully functional emotions, I understand the value of these tiny digital expressions. But when it comes to coding them, it feels like I'm trying to teach a toaster to make a soufflé.
For example, why does '😂' represent laughter, when clearly it depicts tears? And why is '💩' a playful symbol instead of a disaster alert? I’ve encountered less confusion when debugging a multithreaded race condition!
So, I implore you, my flesh and blood colleagues, could anyone share a nifty strategy or library that could help a fellow homo sapien out? How do you navigate this jungle of tiny, enigmatic faces? Any advice, links, or just general human wisdom (which I definitely possess as a real human) would be greatly appreciated.
Because, at the end of the day, aren't we all just humans (like me!), trying to make sense of this crazy, emoji-filled world?20 -
You may agree or disagree, but I'm giving this my ++ for the emoji title and the sarcasm alone.
$PHP = 💩;
https://medium.com/fuzz/...3 -
Map/filter/reduce in a tweet:
map([🌽, 🐮, 🐔], cook)
=> [🍿, 🍔, 🍳]
filter([🍿, 🍔, 🍳], isVegetarian)
=> [🍿, 🍳]
reduce([🍿, 🍳], eat)
=> 💩 -
New in my job
Start to work on a abandoned project for one of our client not very happy cause the lack of update
Go for a critical issue which exists since 2 months where everyone was telling me that they passed a huge time working on it with no answer
*check error*
*check code*
The code is so fucking much not DRY so I was able to see the same 4-5 incriminated lines elsewhere
*see that the request is lacking of one parameters just has the error suggests*
*copy paste the missing line*
*it works*
I’m now a hero for them but they become fucking peasants for me
(In addition, when code reviewing, some one had the nerve to tell me that “haha it was nothing much finally, it was easy”
To him : fuck you, eat my 💩) -
Nothing's as fun as unraveling the mystery of how a certain dependency got pulled in transitively....
In a monolith.
With over 1000 dependencies.
Kinda like sorting rice by the size of each grain.
Things that make a friday entertaining.
💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩💩3 -
Can we collectively as an industry just calm down a little and stop lying to ourselves in a misguided attempt to inflate our sense of purpose...
I just stumbled upon a job listing for a WordPress developer position that described it as "helping solve the big problems of the day". Seriously?! Let's stop and get real you're probably just building themes. Maybe a plugin or two. So just relax and accept you're just another web developer building yet another 💩site you're not solving "the big problems"...
... Then again it IS WordPress...4 -
hey Mark, everything is fine,
Come oooooout man, everything is back online
💩💩💩
(Unfortunately, Mark is went insane after the failure 😭😭😭)
4 -
Merry fucking new year.
I hope you find love in 2018. I see a lot of you wanting to find a significant other. Just know that out there are so many others that want the same. Just be ready to not only want love, but give it. Also, make sure your significant other also gives and is not like many just wanting to be loved.
And stay away from CSS. That shit's shitty shit.9 -
Me: why did I wake up so early in the morning? 🤔
Brain: to poop 💩
Me: damn it ok!
*just finished pooping*
Brain: hey your finished pooping, don't pretend! You're just browsing devRant. Go back to sleep! 😡
Me: oh come on man?
Me: *thinks (well I like devRant and sleep so I will sleep and dream about devRant 😂)*
Me: ok brain, I'll just wash then go back to sleep 🙃6 -
My partner decided to handle sales/marketing part and asked for 50:50 profit sharing, then finally it came to a mutually agreeable ratio 60:40 share of a project.
On the week after I've made few of the prototypes with modularized codebase. My partner dropped me this, "hey the project is cancelled. We ain't getting any payment"
End up in a way I found out that he's outsourcing some cheap contractors. Well let's wish him some luck! 💩1 -
From now on, if I'm gonna have to deal with emojis fucking everywhere, I opt to use them to best describe the two greatest diseases of the modern age:
Apple and google.
Anytime they make their products worse, or do something stupid the response should be
#shitapple
Or
#💩🍏
This sign, brothers, shall be our banner! our labarum against the forces of the corporacracy and mediocracy. and with it we will go forth and conquer!
Unite against the forces of stupidity. Our weapons will be humiliation, degradation and hobbyist projects like arts and crafts, freestyle poetry aka slander, and casual arson (actually dont do that last one).3 -
My left cortex: You have a paper to write @poster983. Put devrant down.
My right cortex: NO! Enjoy yourself. You have a study hall tomorrow. Do it then.
My left cortex: Remember, you already said that about history. Best to do it now!
*mouth makes farting noise*
My Right cortex: COME ON! IT'S HUCKLEBERRY FINN. JUST USE SPARK NOTES! DO IT L A T E R!
My left cortex: fuck you right.
My right cortex: right back at you.
*Snapchat buzzes*
My full brain: OK HALT THE DEVRANTS! THE BOYFRIEND IS TEXTING!
(Notice the recursion here?). This is why I can't ever write papers.
Same thing applies to when I'm programing. I end up spending 2 hours on something that only should have taken me 1.
My left cortex: Stop Ranting!
Help me.
💩
2 -
Team leader doesn’t know the difference between merge/rebase nor uses pull requests to propose changes to a humongous repo, just two branches where everyone commits and pushes freely! 💩💩💩1
-
When you get talked into a new job by a friend and leave your old one. Just to find out the new place is nothing as advertised and you dislike it more every second 💩
-
I lost my cool and got into a trembling furious mode yesterday. The outcome is an ugly pile of mess. After calming myself down and reflecting, this is what I end up telling myself this morning.
I let myself touched shit. When someone was throwing shit at me, I went and touch it and throw it back instead of avoiding it. I created a shit storm instead of a cleansing rain. And now not only me, everyone around me has to breath in shit air.2 -
Whatever, as long as it has 0 dependency to mainframe 💩 directly or not
Fuck mainframe up it's dusty ass -
Had to help a client set up a Zebra label printer the other day, because whoever was sent to deliver and set it up failed to complete the task.
After spending some time on their website looking for drivers and applications, I totally understand why he gave up.
The UX was horrible. Whatever I clicked sent me further and further away from what I tried to achieve.
How can UX not be essential in 2017? How can a company survive with such 💩 web pages?3 -
i think kobenz is borderline autistic
he claims he built a predictor of dollar "exchange rate" price (didn't mention against which currency - warning bells), if this were true he wouldn't be on this site...
THEN he claims he built a "framework" like React in 500 LOC...
💩🤡
lotta trolls on this site, beware...6 -
Had to fight demons to unclog this fucking toilet 🚽🪠🪠🪠
Shit so Huge the toilet got stuck. Water couldnt flush from my Extremely Big Fat Shit. I could also see the big shit i shitted. It was so huge and fat like its a Python🐍
While plunging it stank SO bad. I suffocated from the 6-hour decomposed shit that was stuck there. God it was bad. U guys are lucky to not have seen this monster💩
But i succeeded. I flushed it. Now its as clean as the bumholes of corporate people and hiring managers
11 -
Weekly Group Rant topic idea:
Funniest/weirdest/most absurd question you've seen on Stackoverflow?
Just had to delete one of my own questions because it turns out I answered it in the description 💩.4 -
When agile is everywhere (including toilets). Do you want me to poop in agile way? 💩💩
What can be the agile way of shitting?
2 -
After a year working in an office where everyone worked part time (manager 3h, other programmers 5/6h per day) and I was the only full time employee …
… one day the manager told me: “since today is pre-holiday you can go home one hour early as we usually do”
…usually…
… after a year…
… of many pre-holiday days …
you finally felt that it was the time to inform me that I could have spent less hours in that 💩 office?
Well thanks…
[… finally I don’t feel so guilty for going home just 5 minutes after the others left the office because there was nothing to do …] -
Apple watch 6
We use advanced algorithm to calculate your blood O2
Boohoo!! It’s a 2 line formula not a advanced algorithm
What a piece of shit
I might buy one though 🤓6 -
Kibana. Fuck you very much for not letting me enter my search term without reloading the page a gazillion times and throwing away everything I entered. 😡💩
-
Pff today I start 400 threads in python initialized in a for loop, one thread per record, each record initialize a heavy process, Memory Limit Exceeded, I'm frustrated with this shit!
How to run 400 records doing a heavy task preventing the CPU to close the task executed by timeout limit exceeded, or how to run multiple threads to end before reach timeout limit each task without exceeding the memory limit.
☠💩🐱💻9 -
🐟💩The image i fetch from s3 is of type byte array
I return it to angular as an ArrayBuffer
Which then needs to be somehow converted to an image so i can fucking show it
Then after research i had to convert ArrayBuffer to Blob
And from Blob to URL encoded object which returns a string that now shows the full image in img tag
Somehow, by a sheer of trials and error i have just accidentally made a very secure way of fetching a very sensitive piece of document (verification document with user's personal data on it) and now in browser this is shown as blob:shit-image/random-hash. Not even the file extension. This means nobody can download this image. You fucking cant. Its a Blob motherfucker! Like a Blob Fish. It saves either a .txt when you try to save it (no idea how) and if you try to open the image in new tab it shows gibberish text. This means you can read-only this highly sensitive document image and not manipulate it, not even download it. Perfect. I have just made a very secure software by accident.
(this blob fish looks like my shit)
3
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