I introduced git with hope that our team gets better

I introduced trello in hope that our team get better

I introduced gitlab in hope our team gets better

I introduced scrum in hope our team gets better

I'm losing hope...

Manager asked for access to server with admin rights for a third party contractor and I questioned him... His answer?

- Your are gonna give access to anyone that needs access.

I gave. Went for a 15 days vacation.

Our server got blocked by our cloud provider because of ssh brute force attempt coming from it and the company website went offline during a big ass meeting because of that.

Made me giggle :)

Just tried the light theme again...

Petition for the pixelated avatars joke to be a permanent feature.

Vote for yes
Down vote for no

:)

We recently hired a fronted dev and she got confident enough to suggest we use nodejs, my literal reply:

We hired you so we would not have to deal with JavaScript.

Should see her face 😂

So my boss sent me a msg at 00:05 to update production.

And here I was at 7:30am reading it with a poker face thinking "no dude, my working hours are not like that, lol. Get a life."

My company contracted a 3rd party to do an internal system for us...
We only knew about it when it was almost done and we got the code... Oooooo boy.... What a fucking shit they did and got paid for...

They have a encryptPassword() and decryptPassword() functions...

What they do you may ask?
Well...

Encrypt: for loop that reverse the string and base64 it 5 times...

Decrypt: the opposite...

That's how they store passwords....

Our intern snapped at a company meeting when they where talking about maintaining it 😂😂

Its official, the biggest bullshit table so far here at work

WHY THE FUCK IS IT SO FUCKING HARD FOR THESE CUM SUCKERS TO UNDERSTAND THAT CHANGING REQUIREMENTS 2 DAYS BEFORE THE DEADLINE IS JUST GONNA BREAK EVERYTHING!?!?
I DOUBLE DARE ANYONE TO TELL ME ITS NOT WORKING TOMORROW...
STUPID MOTHER FUCKER PMS CANT PLAN ANYTHING

Overheard some family members talking about me during a vacation about 3 years ago...

aunt: why is he that way?

cousin: he spent too much time on the computer while he was younger.

aunt: that's bad.

yeah.. now I make more than both of you and don't give a shit about you anymore, thanks 👍

I wonder how long will it take for SJW to start complaining about "man pages" ...

Ahahaha I don't know if I cry or laugh..

I slept 1 hour today, woke up, left the kid at school came back home planning on sleeping another 2 hours and coming to work.

Took a shower and remembered I had an important meeting by 8:30 am and it was already 8:10 ... Ran like fucking crazy , ate an orange for breakfast ran like a lunatic in traffic just to arrive at work by 8:34 and be told the meeting has been rescheduled for tomorrow afternoon...

Had to smile to who rescheduled the meeting right now writing this rant :)

Now... Who the fuck sends an email at 00:02 to reschedule a fucking meeting??

Fuck.

Coworker: hey man, do you know what is the limit for z-index on CSS?

Me: not sure but I think it is the signed int limit.

Coworker: the waaat?

Me inside: GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!

OH MY FUCKING GOD!
What is the point in separating us into backend/frontend developers if everyone has to learn/do everything?

And now this FUCKING DUMBASS that is leaving!!! The company convinced my FUCKING STUPID boss to start using react with nodejs on the new platforms ...

Did anyone think about talking to the fucking devops that maintain the fucking deployments about this????
By the way, this sucker is me.

And now I have one month to: deploy a new app... ALONE!! learning fucking react (please kill me) and probably merge it in a clusterfuck of unseparated backend/frontend because fuck it.

Oh, and figure out a way to make deployment automated and easy for me at least.

I'm about to rant in real life...

Why the fuck do people do shit like this?
Fucking dumb people 😟😟

Looks like Microsoft is really supporting open source with its fucked up updates making people consider switching to Linux

Just figured out that a server configuration I made about 3 months ago resulted in one of our main sites being offline.

No one fucking noticed it.
For 3 fucking months.
Amen.

What code review?

So we where given a project with a deadline already set behind our backs and we have to give our deadline despite not knowing wtf we have to do exactly ...

They asked us to don't ask too much time because the budget can't afford too much time...

I'm here thinking: WTF?!
THEY PASSED A FUCKING DEADLINE AND PRICES TO THE FUCKING CLIENT WITHOUT ASKING ANY! ANY MOTHERFUCKING DEV ABOUT IT!!!

We asked them so many fucking questions on the first meeting that they were fucking baffled about everything but kept playing cool like "well, this project is already set and we are gonna have to deal with it"

Bunch of motherfucking stupid cock suckers , go die agonizing on your own vomit and if ask my help I'm gonna answer "well, you gonna have to deal with it because you are already fucked"

New hire commit:

Message: Visual update

Gitlab: Showing 27 changed files with 21628 additions and 12296 deletions

Do I kill him before or after teaching him?

I'm so stressed lately that even when I try to relax I stress out because I keep trying to relax in the most efficient way possible... Fuck

I see my boss interested in learning new languages as if it is gonna be some sort of holy grail but his logic remains the same.

I'm in a step of my life that I finally understand that this language fight is a total waste of time:

PhP is fucking delicious to deploy

Java is fucking delicious to work with spring boot

Python has a fucking delicious syntax and I wanna marry it

Go is fucking delicious to outperform others

Anyway, my point is that when you get the hang of it you should learn concepts and improve your logic instead of hoping language x is gonna save you, its not.

while(true){
scrollDevRant();
}

MOTHER FUCKER IDIOTS!!!

SO I HAVE TO ROLLBACK OUR PROD DEPLOYMENT BECAUSE IM THE ONLY FUCKER WHO UNDERSTANDS THE SIMPLE CONCEPT OF "DONT PUSH UNFINISHED CHANGES"?!?
DAMN!!!! FUCK YOU ALL...

AAAAAAHHHH OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!

THE LAST 20 MINUTES WERE THE CRINGIEST OF MY LIFE!!!

THIS COWORKER TYPES AND CLICKS SO SLOWLY!!! JUST FUUUCK YOU MY FUCKING 9 YEARS OLD CLICKS A FUCKING MOUSE FASTER THEN YOU MOTHER FUCKEEEEER!!!!!

I almost lost my fucking patience this time...

MOTHERFUCKING MICROSOFT!!! JUST SEND ME THIS FUCKING EMAIL !!!! WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!? EVERY FUCKING TIME IT TAKES TOOOOOOO MUUUUUCH TIME TO RECEIVE ANY FUCKING CONFIRMATION EMAIL!!! ITS FUCKING 2017 ALREADY GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER YOU PIECE OF SHIT

Took me 2 fucking days to figure out why the loop wasn't working, biggest facepalm ever.

if(iterator.hasNext()){

// some awesome code

}

Well, good morning to you too devRanters :)

How can people be so fucking stupid?

Imagine I made a program with two buttons, one that says "click here for x" and the other that says "click here for y" and they are asking me where to click for x.. Really mother fucker? Do you really have a PhD? Might me a PhD on retardness!! fuck you, I'm on vacation...

Every fucking time its the same shit:
Our nontechnical managers meet with the client and try to pass technical requirements to us..
These pieces of shit don't get that this only makes things worse.

Making everyone waste fucking time trying to understand requirements that would be a lot fucking easier if any of us were is any fucking meeting.
But nooooo... We have to fucking be the whole team in fucking meetings with these cock suckers so they can realize they didn't get shit and the back and forth bullshit begins:

We ask questions
They don't know
They schedule meeting with client
They ask their moronic way
The client answers
They schedule meeting with us
We ask questions...

And this fucking loop goes on for-fucking-EVER!

Fuuuuuuck this!!

"Well, how hard could it be to do it in this impossible deadline?"

Well ... HOW ABOUT I STICK A LAMP POST UP YOUR ASS? HOW HARD COULD IT BE? YOU JUST STAY STILL AND I PUSH HARD ENOUGH, RIGHT?!

3 fucking years already that I introduced fucking git in this company and people still fail to grasp the fucking basics... Wtf?

If you push a fucking change wait for the fucking message ... If a fucking fail message appears telling you to pull before pushing to remote, just don't ignore it... Wtf... I can tell it is the case just by looking at the message template, I don't even need to read the motherfucker...

And its not that they are stupid, those are smart motherfuckers we are talking about...

Two thousand fucking eighteen people!!!!
Stop this non sense "get a plane" for a fucking meeting that could be a fucking video conference.

Wtf? Everyone here seems to be addicted to flying, specially upper management... And if we need a new switch to keep the network running? Oh, for that we have no money :)

After years of struggle with nvidia on Linux across several devices I built my first AMD only PC and I have only one thing in my mind...

Management knows shit about managing.

They ask us to do x and one month later they have the first meeting to discuss it... They didn't even plan it, only asked.

Its like asking a hamburger at Mc Donalds and letting the kind of hamburger for when it arrives:

"Hey, I want a hamburger"

Mc. Employee: "Which one , sir?"

"Doesn't matter, when it arrives we decide about it, just go on, chop chop"

Just discovered that we are loading 200k for a custom font on one of our platforms...

200k FOR A FUCKING FONT?!? FOR REAL??? ITS NOT EVEN FUCKING DIFFERENT ON SIGHT!

So I sarcastically asked why the fuck are we using it and my coworker said its because the designer designed (duh) the layout this way...

Look... Usually I'm a quiet person and I don't rant in real life but this time I could not restrain myself.

No boss... For the fucking millionth time: unit tests are not a waste of time.

You keep testing everything manually and hoping that you tested everything every time and praying that there are no bugs IS THE FUCKING TIME WASTE

My boss just can't fucking wrap his head around automated tests... I'm trying hard... Gonna try harder...

Sometimes its not love, you are just too horny.

Check this out.
Brazil is coming to a halt right now because of a distribution blockage by the truck drivers.

Gasoline tripled the litter price from yesterday.

Gas stations are going empty.

Air-fucking-ports are out of diesel/gas.

Public transportation might stop tomorrow.

And my boss "will consider" home office, wtf dude, are you retarded?

TL;DR
Management eats shit for breakfast

Context:
I am the sole Dev on a project.

Stack: Postgresql, redis, nginx,Java with Spring Boot, Neo4j.

I am the only one nearly familiar with : Redis, Neo4j and anything Java.

I'm gonna be on vacation for the next 15 days since they have told me that we where gonna be on a "testing/feedback" period.

My vacation was approved.

Today's meeting: we have a URGENT deadline to meet some criteria that might be the difference between have further investment or not.

Urgent deadline: last day of my vacation.

My face: poker

My thoughts: attached image

So I just got out of a meeting where "like a YouTube for x" and "it isn't that complicated, just storing videos, documents, etc..."
Were used in the same sentence.

I'm already updating my resume.

Who the fuck told my coworkers I'm their boss when our boss is on vacation?

Wtf, I don't wanna be anyone's boss, no one should want me as such...
I would certainly micromanage the shit out of everyone and make their lives a living hell.

WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP WASTING MY FUCKING TIME WITH POINTLESS MEETINGS ABOUT WHAT METHODOLOGIES YOU GONNA USE TO GET THE FUCKING DATA????

JUST GIVE ME THE FUCKING DATA AFTER YOU DISCUSS THIS SHIT AND TELL WHAT THE FUCK I HAVE TO DO WITH IT!!!

FUCKING WASTING MY FUCKING TIME AND WANTING SHIT TO BE DONE! WHAT THE FUCK!

After doing an exam with dubious answers, the teacher gave us the answers with our exams scores.

One question could have two answers and mine was one of them and was "wrong" so I asked the teacher:

Me: hey, this one is right too isn't it?

He: yeah, but the right answer is the other one.

Me: OK... So shouldn't it be reviewed, nulled or given points to both?

He: no, because the answer is this one.

Me: care to explain how you have two right answers but this one is the "right" one?

He: yes, because its "righter".

Me inside: FUCK OFF AND DIE YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!!!

Me: you got to be kidding right?

He: no. Its this one.

So I changed course and never had to deal with that piece of shit again.

Omfg bitcoin is already $ 2.300 and I'm here watching it grow without any money to jump onboard

I'M FUCKING SICK OF HOLDING MY SELF TO DON'T MAKE OTHERS LOOK LIKE STUPID, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE ,NEXT YEAR IS MY TIME TO STAND AND LET PEOPLE KNOW WHO I AM. IF YOU FUCKERS CANT ACKNOWLEDGE THAT EVEN THOUGHT THIS COMPANY'S PRODUCT ISN'T SOFTWARE BUT YOU ARE FUCKING WASTING A GOLDEN RESOURCE ( DEV TEAM ) WITH FUCKING USELESS CRUDS AND USELESS SITES NO ONE FUCKING CARES ABOUT I'M GONNA LEAVE.

Almost a year since I started my current job and every day I struggle to make things better, from introducing git to introducing a testing server to moving to git lab to introducing backup policies on the servers and so on....

And the more I struggle to improve everyone's experience at work it looks like im trying to explain physics to toddlers because I can see that although everything is waaaay better now everything is just gonna crumble once I'm gone.

OMFG BOSS STOP CHANGING MY INTERFACES INTO CLASSES WITH REDUNDANT CODE AND IF ELSES BECAUSE "IT DIDNT DO ANYTHING" OMFG WE ALREADY WENT OVER IT YOU STUPID FUCK!!!

Let me just delete this symbolic link and leave it copying the folder to the ssd real quick while I go to lunch...

Lessons learned:

1 - don't put a fucking / at the end of `rm -rf /path/to/link`

2 - don't ignore the warning of it being a folder after trying to `rm /path/to/link`

3 - backup your fucking dev database too

4 - don't do stuff hungry

SHIT!! FUCK!!

Everytime someone compliments me on my work all I can't think of is:

- ok,ok, shut the fuck up and give me a raise already.

Holy fucking shit!
Look, I know I'm kinda average, I actually think I'm kinda stupid... But holy fuck this new mother fucker at work is in a fucking new level of dumb ... OMG!

I'm actually thinking about asking my boss to let him go and this guy isn't even there for 2 weeks yet.

Our team changed to Linux about 3 years ago already and I can see some of them struggling to insert some commands when I'm talking to them.

How the fuck do you struggle to `cd` into a fucking directory?

Ok,ok... I've linuxing full time for 8 years already, I understand I've been through this... But come on! If some one said to me on day ONE "dude, you can cd /full/path/of/fucking/whatever" or " ~/ means home" I would be doing it from day one.

Probably I'm overreacting but wtf dudes? 3 years... Step up your game.

!rant

Wooohooo! Company is sending me to Google Earth Engine Summit 2017 on my first international travel !!!!

Hope to meet some of you there 😱
Anyone gonna be there?

At a meeting so relevant that I'm posting this...

Some years ago I was fixing this lady's computer and I had to change her monitor and she asked: but will I lose my files?

Last week one of my non-dev coworkers asked if any of us knew java and I was like "yeah, think I can help you" then she showed me her JavaScript issue and I was like:
"Wtf, people really do this shit..."

Fuck you stupid cunt!!!! If your fucking project depends on empty folder structure just put a fucking gitignore file on it so I don't have to waste all fucking day debugging your tasteless spaghetti to figure out that you download files to an empty folder that git clone doesn't create.

So my boss copied a code from stackoverflow and thought "foo" was a function or something... It was just an alias to a SQL select...

Spent two days debugging my algo to figure it was a problem with the colors they picked and my logic was fucking flawless!

Sweetest feeling ever :D

I'm sort of color blind so I never check colors and I'm really straight about it with everyone: I don't pick colors.

Its a rant with a happy ending :)

Woohoo we asked for a prioritized list of changes , we got 2 power points instead.

Yeah, fuck you too.

So after you fucked your Ubuntu installation last year because you decided to `chmod -R 777 /` you are telling me that you did the same to /home and /var/lib because the former intern "told you so"?!?!

How can someone be SO FUCKING STUPID??
Fuck...
My boss ladies and gentleman...

I'm yet to meet someone who opens links in new tabs using the mouse wheel button or Ctrl+ click.
Literally everybody I know right clicks and them clicks "open in new tab".

Is this really something nobody does? Am I crazy? what's going on?

What do you think?

STOP CODING MUTHERFUCKER AND THING YOU DUMB FUCK!!! THIIIINK!!!! IMPROVE!!! LEARN NEW SHIT!!!

STOP CODING TO CODE BETTER!

WTF BOSS?

STOP WRITING THESE FUCKING OBVIOUS SQL INJECTABLE CODE YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT!!!

BURN MOTHERFUCKER, BURN!!!

The spaghetti monster is online.

Literally changes on the last minute.

Pushed to master, let CI/CD deal with it and left for lunch.

Bugs? Haha, sure.
Serious one? You can bet.
Do you care? Nope.

Hey boss, I see you working saturday 11pm updating these fucking cards...

That is why you manage to "do the impossible" , get a life dude... go be with your wife and "soon to be" kid.

Damn, no wonder he always says the deadline is possible.

Every time I have to deal with my boss code and lack of convention and everything that makes a clean code I just want to scream like a bitch and punch him in the face without minding breaking my own hand.

I used to be an apple fanboy.

I realized some time ago that when people ask you to do something and it is too generic, if you keep pushing for an explanation they end up getting angry at you as if you are the stupid one.

So funny, I'm always doing it on meetings now and laughing inside :)

I just realized the most fucked up shit that leads me to wanna runaway from this job even more...

On the beginning (3 years ago) I used to be really thrilled , plan things really professionally, make models, uml, all the shit, try to fix things and everything you should expect from a great dev.

The problem is that in 3 years I had to "replan" so much things and so desperately quickly and have so many rework with such shitty projects that I kind of panic every time I have to plan something and I end up thinking I'm not capable of developing complex systems anymore.

All because these fucking managers that never make their mind, so my mind sees this:

"Fuck, 10 months for this shit that could have been done in 1 ? You suck dude."

Actually is management that sucks.
I've been doing some small projects on the side, just for the sake of it and boy, I'm rocking it.

My self esteem is coming back on tracks.

Fuck those fucker, they can die chocking on their own misery.

Global variables in JavaScript everywhere... Being accessed by every file, every function every class... Everywhere....

Switched to DuckDuckGo, because Google thought it would be nice, to ban the Proxy IP of our company (because you know, many requests) from searching and putting us behind these captcha monstrosities. I don't want to captcha myself out of every query I have for goddamn 2 minutes with slow ass fading images.

Turns out, I like their service even more.

Why its so hard to understand that - not always... - frontend devs will give you a sweet ui with medium back end and back end devs are gonna give you a medium ui with sweet back end?

Why can't we just do what nature made us good for and work in collaboration?

Fuck

My company has 2 android apps, I recently discovered they made/paid 2 google play accounts for that...

Motherfucker, every fucking meeting on this project we have a fucking 3 week deadline to accomplish the fucking impossible.

And now they practically want me to rewrite the whole fucking application.

And my fucking boss can't fucking shut the fuck up and keep having "ideas" on new thing.

YEU FUKCING STUPID PIECES OF SHIT!!! HOW CAN WE ADD SHIT WHEN EVERYTHING IS HALF ASSED BECAUSE WE DONT STOP ADDING SHIT? FUCK YOU!

So I studied for a long time about scrum, convinced my boss, his boss and our team to consider it, everyone liked it but seems to don't understand it very well.

I organized meetings about it and everything...

This week the majority of our team will attend a Google event about scrum in another city.

Guess who is not going?

Current work project is microservices architecture out of 4 - 8 components.

It is fully Infrastructure as a Code automatized. I just change somewhere code, git pushing

And it automatically invokes Gitlab CI, terraform, ansible, kubernetes helm charts.
Auto checking itself with unit and integration tests in autoredeployed staging env. Then it saves tested results to docker registry and asks for one button verificating click to be rereleased to prod.

I just go for drink or eat food. While all the stuff is happening.

And I am proud that all the infrastructure, backend and frontend I made on my own.

I don't need to remember how to Deploy it. It is all automatized

Came to a 8 day trip and didn't bring my laptop... What have I done...

Hey boss, I see you are on a rampage with those trello cards, they all flying to the done list... How about you push to gitlab at least once a week too?

You gonna have to deal with the conflicts alone you dumb fuck :)

OMFG I think I've just experienced my first shock for 10 seconds after watching my boss looking for a tab on chrome that had Google opened so he could paste the searching string.

So... We have a "network admin" who manages our network and the servers (windows) and I manage the Linux servers... He is having a real hard time to understand that the servers have no password but use ssh-keys to login and keep asking me for the credential to have them somewhere in case "something happens" like I quit or die...

Last meeting I suggested we started using unit test and perhaps TDD on our platforms.

My boss is open to it and everyone seems to like the idea...

Now I just discovered that our dumbass coworker is trying to say by my back that its a bad idea to double the code efforts and that he sees no point in it...

Well dumbass cock sucker who can't even fucking remember how to write `docker-compose up` without messing things up you can fuck your self because you are certainly gonna be fucked sideways untill the end of the year.

Hey, how about we boost our dev team morale by giving them this cool project instead of these usual crud bullshit they deal everyday?

Nooo, let's pay some fucking amateur agency 5x they wage during 4 months to do it like a low IQ noob and expect them to maintain it later.

Fuuuck!! I'm 20 days into vacation and all I can thing is that fucking bug that I have to solve when I come back... Most stressful vacation ever 😒😓😬😬

Decided to quit coffee today.

Already have a headache... That's gonna be a great weekend 😒

So we have this HUGE ass project , really challenging , that my boss and "PM" have been meeting with the client for months now...

I got on board , guess what?

NO ONE HAVE A FUCKING CLUE ON WHAT THE FUCK THEY WANT!!!!!

ALL FUCKING GENERIC REQUIREMENTS!!! WHAT THE FUUUCK!!!

[ insert fucking pitch screaming!!!! ]

FUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU!

I think I'm having my first burn out... I literally can't do shit for the past week or more. Fuck...

I just got a call from a recruiter asking if I had any recommendations for a company in town. Eight years ago, I met the owner of this company and he seemingly went out of his way to ignore me every time we met. His attitude was cold, unwelcoming, and not a character I ever wanted to associate with.

It's a small world. Please don't burn your bridges before you ever get your company's first round of major funding. Yes, I know a lot of people that might have wanted a position like this, but not with him at the helm.

As much as I wanted to express my disdain for the owner, I hold steadfast that the only respectful answer to this recruiter is to say: "I have no recommendations for this position."

So I just got this email from a tech company, I registered to send my CV some years ago , about a dev Job openning.

The descripition included:
Java and Angular ( first red flag )

So I go to their site to check it out ...
No https, ping the domain returns an ip from another continent with 500+ ms latency.

Major flaws on the site usability...
Super dumb password recovery method...

I'm fucking outta here dude. I might send them a proposition to fix their servers and at least put it behind letsencrypt though...

And these morons have big clients, like my bank... wtf...

We will use Brainfuck

I just bought an amazing Bluetooth headphone but I'm really FUCKING PISSED because when its charging the led flashes green and when it is charged it flashes some fucking other tone of green and as someone who has daltonism it makes me really fucking frustrated because I can't say tell the difference even if my life depended on it... PLEASE DONT BE THE STUPID CUNT THAT DESIGNS SHIT LIKE THAT! JUST MAKE IT NON COLOR DEPENDANT FOR FUCK SAKE!

Thanks.

Discovered about digital ocean here, I'm just in love .

Thanks very much!! :D

Everyday I fell my soul being sucked by this job.

We have too much liberty and it's all scattered, every fucking project uses a different framework.

Everything is a mess, no one seems to care and I'm feeling like shit for being the only one that seems to care.

Every time I start job hunting I fell depressed because of this nonsense bullshit they call job requirements.

Just wanna run away from this mess and never look back.

OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!
HOW CAN SOMEONE BE A FREELANCER/WEB DEV AND TYPE SO FUCKING SLOW AND HAVE TROUBLE WITH FUCKING LETTERS ALL THE TIME?!

I'm gonna push this mother fucker so hard that he will learn not to "lie" in an interview never again and become a fucking dev.

boss: we should map all the possible ways to do things in the system so we can test them and make sure we fix the bugs.

Me: yeah, well, that is exactly what automated tests are for, every time we find a non-mapped way that breaks this we make a test out of it and fix, this ways we end up mapping the majority of ways.

Boss: yeah,yeah ... Let's sit down latter and map everything on a document.

I bet my ass we are never gonna have tests as a part of our workflow.

My female coworkers ranting about "how can their partners be so stupid" on "never buying what they where asked for".

I explain to them some actions they might be doing that if done to me has the same effect like :
- asking for something and then start a non stop conversation about something else...

They look at me with a "how can you men be so ridiculous" face and say something like that...
I answer: well, try not doing those things next time and see if it helps.

They are gonna ignore me and keep living their lives without realising that men and women are fucking different...

Go girls.

NO FUCKING WAY YOU ARE GONNA PAY SOMEONE THE EQUIVALENT OF TWO MONTHS WHAT I MAKE TO DO SOMETHING I CAN DO IN A FUCKING WEEKEND BECAUSE "I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO ALREADY AND COMPANY STUPID POLICY DOESN'T ALLOW EMPLOYEES TO BE CONTRACTED AS FREELANCER ON THEIR SPARE TIME!!
HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT TO MY FACE YOU STUPID COCK SUCKER! I BET YOU CANT EVEN SUCK A FUCKING DICK PROPERLY STUPID FUCK!!!!!!!

Just got my new workstation with 3x the RAM i had

My boss keeps trying new tech with important new projects instead of trying the fucking new things with anything other than important shit.

I support this let's try better options approach but cmon, be rational about it.

Now I know for sure that my coworkers can't read error messages.

Every fucking time git doesn't push or pull properly they can't figure out what's going on, almost one year since we migrated to git ... come on... read the fucking message!

Fucking stupid bitch comes to me at 7 pm and asks an impossible task and after I clearly explain and say that I don't know how I gonna do it she asks it for early tomorrow...

Yeah, keep waiting...

Some old couple screaming I was a liar and a thief because I told them their HDD needed to be exchanged because I wasn't able to install any OS on it... It kept failing on every CD / pen drive I used but it worked with the other store... I left them screaming alone outside the store after telling them to have a good day with a poker face...

So I went with a friend to a printing company today and asked this gem: "so , will you print the white too?"

Before he answered I realized my momentary retardness and said: "wtf, what a stupid question."

I think I need some rest 😂😂

It's so fucking great to be the only dev that uses Linux here and the servers are all Linux and the windows devs sometimes don't give a fuck about case sensitivity... Just fuck them all!!!!!!

!rant

I've been struggling for the past year with:

Dev work
Ops work
"Management" work

This last month I made a decision, I don't give a fuck anymore and just gonna do my dev work which is the one I'm paid to do.

Never been better. Its healthy whem you let all those fucks go away :)

IT Head: Hey, can you check out why application X isn't working? I've already restarted it and it isn't working anymore.

Me: sure.

Me 20 mins later: hey, looks like it is all good, website is normal, server resources are normal, etc...

IT Head: no no, the windows sync app isn't working.

Me inside: are you fucking kidding me you piece of stupid shit? Quit IT for good and die.

Some years ago our company site was hosted by a prick who knew nothing and started to pretend the server got a virus or whatever.

I tested their server and figured out they did not have any firewall policies going on like mitigation of ssh brute force.

It was at this time I learned about SYN flood, and boy I flooded that port 80 of them.

The company site went down for as long as I wanted.

It was great because now we manage it in house and never had a problem anymore.

20 minutes trying to convince my boss (lead dev) that dynamically create tables on DB based on file name to store uploaded json content isn't a good design approach and he is still convinced that 500 lines will really impact performance that much on one table and that this is the best design...

Based on this approach, he wants to create another table with the user who last modified and the "fk" (not sure if he even knows what this is cause none of the fks here point to anything...) would be the table name... now I know where those hideous tables we have here come from...

Don't know if I laugh or cry...

Introduced git in work about 5 months ago, explained to my coworkers how it works, shared links to tutorials, git pro book and everything imaginable.

Almost every day I learn something new ... they keep struggling to checkout a branch or resolve some simple conflict...

I'm just tired of explaining things...

Now I just go and fix every thing and learn a lot :)

Just discovered a major bug in a frontend app of ours that might have been collecting wrong data in a form for months already :)

That is what happens when you put a back end Dev to do front end and back end while demanding rework every fucking 2 days for 9 months straight.

!rant

Omfg, after webdeving for so long, I recently started to learn python and image manipulation.

I'm in love.

What have I done lol

So my dumbass coworker did it again.

He included 600kb to the initial load of one of our platforms to use ONE FUCKING CSS CLASS!!! Wtf man?

Oh, my boss never fails to amaze me...

Every fucking time he talks about changes to someone outside the team he says something like:
"we always gotta be prepared for breaks because it is always like that, you change something here and when you see you broke something there"
All in a manner that *tries* to bring tensions down.

And every time I explain to him why the fuck automated tests are important and wtf they do he always manage to understand it as a waste of time...

I'm never gonna give up, motherfucker.

CSS - Separate style from content...
Yeah... More like creating divs to make that fucking div aligned.

Straight from table hell to div hell

Just literally slept while staring at code at work 😂

I secretly wish everything at work fails because everyone is so fucking stupid every time it makes me cringe when I have to talk to someone or watch someone explaining something to me.

Everything seems to lack planning and focus, our PMS act more like clients than like managers, its a total fucking mess and I have to clean some of it this week.

It's getting so much on my nerves that I had to open my whiskey for the first time this year, damn.

Every last 10 days of the year we have a break...

I'm just gonna implement CI/CD in this motherfucking environment and blow everyone's mind at January, I'm sick of working as an amateur...

sometimes we try to make things better and realize people just want the same old non functional bloated shit...

I just came back from a meeting to a project that integrates some companies to achieve the project goals.

There was this "computer/data scientist" (his words) that every time he talked I just wanted to punch him in the throat.

Look, I'm not saying he isn't good or anything. He can be a fucking genius, I don't care.

But he talks as if he is the smartest person on the room, fucking annoying.

!rant

Woohoo my first mechanical keyboard :)))

DevRant is no more

The one they called to announce I was being dismissed after promising a promotion witch led me to refuse a better job opportunity the week before...

!rant

Thanks DevRant for introducing me to Ansible! It's fucking amazing!!!!

Resistance fighter

A little back story:
A dev who left already implemented a system and modeled the data like he doesn't even care because he was going away in one month anyway.

This sucker here inherited the responsibility to remodel this fucking clusterfuck of data.

I was trying to do a good work here until today but some things came to my mind :
I don't care.
They don't care.
Fuck it.
I'm gonna do the same shit and the next person can suck ma'dick.
I have better things to do.

Look, I'm gonna do a lazy job that is gonna be a million light years better than what this sucker did anyway.

Today's full day meeting accomplishments:

- start 9:00 am
- updated intellij idea
- updated fedora
- checked out servers to see if everything was OK

- lunch break

- people agreed that "we are just gonna do it and plan later"
- presented my status on the actual meeting subject
- me and the consultant realised we are really fucked :)
- meeting ended 5:30 pm

Yay!

I always tried not to judge people based on their location of birth/live but damn, these motherfuckers at work are making it hard.

As someone who learns everything alone , researching and all it really frustrates the fuck out of me to have to babysit grown ass adults into learning anything.

My boss insists in develop the most unmaintainable ways possible like hard coding everything... EVERYTHING....
DDD (despair driven design)
😵😨

That moment when you are testing the product with the PM and you remember all the bugs that happened and all you can think is that you don't trust this abomination

So, we have this ma'am at work that is the least direct person I know.

She can transform one sentence in a paragraph and the meetings/talks with her I usually end up in my "happy place" at the middle of her phrases and come back latter when she isn't finished and I'm like
"wtf is she talking about yet? Damn I went away again, shit... Just nod and smile..."

We had a meeting scheduled with her and some clients today... She missed it... MOST FUCKING PRODUCTIVE DAY EVER!

Thank you.

What the fuck is this?
I'm so confused...
Where is the Netflix app? Is this real life?
Please help me.

Deadline on friday?

Time to spend the whole day learning Go

My boss is letting a really strong bus factor grow around me.
I try to show them how to do things but they really can't wrap their heads around it and I keep improving our stack/infrastructure ...

Fucking great.

A fucking nightmare for one month to present a near-finished functioning web-app instead of a prototype.

Web-app presented in a prototipe-ish manner because it was actually being FUCKING TESTED WITH INVESTORS?!??!!??!
OMFG IM SOOOOO PISSED IM JUST GONNA ASK FOR VACATION AND DISAPEAR
WTF

Created a variable in the middle of a rant with JavaScript and named it as an acronym for "mother fucker", it actually worked what I tried to do with it... "mother fucker" is in production now

Just noticed my boss turned a nice and beautiful polymorphic code into a fucking hard to maintain switch case that now this mother fucker here has to maintain just because he probably thought it was too hard to understand.

I bet he finds it hard to fuck his wife in any way other than the one she needs to wear a strap on and tear his ass apart...

Years sitting like a contortionist for hours... One evening sitting straight and I have a neck pain for two days already :)

So we are completely burned out with this project that had a fucking generic contract and my boss never had the balls (and never will) to say no to the client's endless requests and changes...

We are about to deliver it once and for all and they complain about one thing that I have already agreed to my boss that we would not do...
We tell the client that it is the case...

They email everyone involved in the project with a high level of drama on it...

I ask my boss, who is on vacation, on directions as to "how" I should tell them the fuck off...

My boss answer: I'm making a script to solve this issue and to avoid further trouble with it...

Ooo you stupid motherfucker! Can't you see you only bring more trouble with that attitude?

I suggested the other day that devs should not go to every meeting, actually I suggested they should be "sitting with headphones undisturbed" , everyone looked at me like this was absurd.

I wasn't running away from meetings because I suggested I should go to meetings to get requirements and such, instead of the whole team...

Am I missing something?

So happy when opened the mail box and found my stickers 😁😁
thanks a lot @dfox and @trogus.

Here is my setup too, hope its not too late @localhost

Dumbass made me update site with broken code ...

After git pulling I got an ich and tested it...

So the following talk happened:

Me: feature x is still broken (it was working before...)

Dass: yeah, I just wanna make some screenshots of it from another machine that has windows.

Me: OK, I just rolled the changes back, you can access the other machine at lan...

Me inside: OOOHHHH YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT MADE ME GET UP FROM BED AND START MY FUCKING COMPUTER FOR THIS BULLSHIT IDIOTIC NONSENSE?!? FOR REAL??? GET YOU SHIT TOGETHER ASSHOLE!

Discovered yesterday that my boss does tests with production database... and I'm responsible for the fucking backups and he doesn't even care to let me now when so I can at least schedule one at slave. Come on... it's not that hard to let others know or test on your own machine...

TL;DR;

Idiot hard coded database host on the app... Pushed to prod and suddenly shit wasn't working... Took me 10 minutes to figure out what was going on...

Wrote a passive aggressive git message and commited.
Before updating prod my boss turns around to me and the following took place:

Boss: is there any problem with the server?

Me: yes, someone (i know who was ) hard coded the test db IP and it broke the backend.

Boss: oh, but will it affect the mobile app?

Me: well, it won't work but I'm already pushing the fix.

Boss: no..err.. I mean... Will I have to make any change to the mobile app?

Me inside: wtf dude... For real?! Get your shit together...

Me: no. It good, I already fixed it.

Boss: OK. Thanks

TL;DR;

Moron hard coded dB's host and stupid boss can't get shit together nor ask who did it to take precautions...

You know what really pisses me off?

Arrogant/Condescending people doing rookie mistakes.

If you are like that but delivers I suck it up and let it go, but if you don't? Lol... Be ready for the shitstorm.

Just found out that our front-end intern that has been here for more than 4 months don't know about "onchange" events!!!

wtf man? I'm back end and know this shit...

!rant

Hahahaha just typed "teste" (Portuguese for test) in duck duck go and it showed me a picture of testicles ( I guess...) With huge "Testicle" written above it in the middle of the office hahahaha

Hope no one saw that, it was funny.

Got home to acknowledge I forgot to pay the fucking internet bill and now I'm in a void without knowing what I'll do and everything might end with me wasting my mobile data and some whiskey

TL;DR
Front-end dev trying to dictate back-end tech.

We are gonna start split stack (front / back ) development with the following projects and this stupid fucker who knows jackshit about backend , servers, etc... , is more versed in front end stuff and said herself that she knows nothing about databases told me this:

"No way we are gonna use Java."

I politely said:

"We are gonna analyze the projects requirements and see what technologies best fit the scenario"

Me inside my head:

"SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU STUPID CUNT, GET YOUR FUCKING JAVASCRIPT AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!! IF WE DECIDE TO JAVA THE SHIT OUT OF EVERYTHING THATS HOW ITS GONNA BE!"

You know that figurative bonner you have when working on new/exciting projects?

I used to be like that here...
Today I realized that I lost it a long time ago...

That sucks hard, every little script I do on the side I feel excited , every functionality I develop on the job is a fucking mirror of some other shit that no one uses on another mirror project that brings nothing new to the table.

OH MY FUCKING GOD MY FATHER NEVER SHUTS THE FUCK UUUUP ITS DRIVING ME CRAZY AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!¡!!!!

I'm literally the only one who locks the screen here at work.

Always makes me wanna do something to teach then.

My boss always leaves the screen unlocked with sublime opened and goes to lunch!
I think someday he was logged into production also...

And I'm like: seriously? wtf...

I lock my screen even when I'm home alone... yes I'm that paranoid...

No one is gonna "Greek question mark" me 😂

OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!! FUCK YOU SPRING-DATA-NEO4J YOU ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY YOU SHIT FUCK !!! FUCK YOU AND YOUR DELETE ON SAVE BULLSHIT!!!! OMFG!!!!!!! EVERYTIME IS SOME FUCKING SHIT THAT DELETES OTHER SHIT THAT SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN DELETED!!! JUST FUCK YOU ALREADY IM GONNA REWRITE ALL THIS SHIT!!!!!!!

Senior developer just showed me a "competitor" that seems to do things waaaaaaaaaaaaay better than us on his web site and was telling me:

Senior: damn, I wish I could figure out how they do this. I've been trying for so long...

I write the URL on chrome with dev tools open and literally the first thing that comes on the console is a nice greeting from their devs with links to they github repositories, ends up they are open source...

And now I'm here thinking "WTF!!!! WHY ARE WE NOT DOING THINGS THIS WAY?"

Hur dur, java is so bad that I'm gonna rant about it on a social network backed by a java database...

Why the fuck this moron thought it was a good idea to set a global onClick event in a react component and make it have the desired behavior for EVERYTHING instead of the only click he wanted to get?

7 places you can click were triggering redux dispatch and ajax calls that should only work on one place... Fucking hell...

Yeah! Have one week to write from scratch a standalone app with an embedded db that I've never worked with in an area that I have close to no knowledge and it's all my fault , wish me luck 🙏

Been her for a while and people are always saying @dfox rules, although its true, let's not forget the other master. @trogus you rule too 😎

My boss always like to say: damn, every time we fix something something else breaks.

And I always tell him about TDD, unit tests, etc...

He smiles and continues to work as if nothing have been said...

He sits behind me and is constantly "wtfucking" and I'm here just thinking that he might have broken something that could have been avoided if he listened to me.

We are working on separate projects now and every time I think that someday I'm gonna join that code it gives me goosebumps 😵😓

For the past 45 days I've been the sole developer of a standalone Java application and doing some ops only, now I'm getting back to the spaghetti php bullshit they call code and for the past 5 minutes I could fell the depression striking back...

My boss is such a fucking pussy when it comes to stand up for anything that, even being a calm person, sometimes I just want to bitch slap that mother fucker, get him by the neck and say:
GROW SOME FUCKING BALLS FOR FUCKS SAKES!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!

All the Linux servers I manage:
Uptime 300+ days

All the Linux server I manage inside hyper-v managed by our it:
Uptime max 7 days...

Wtf? Do you really have to restart the host machine once a week?

Wtf man, you are using fucking Ubuntu for 5 months and I really have to tell you how to edit fucking /etc/hosts? Fuck you... I should be the fucking boss...

When i started my work I encoubtered this db(one of 4): more than 20 tables, some with 200 columns literally... EVERYTHING is a varchar 😓.

I'm slowly designing some normalized tables with real fk on new features and projects and people are like: how the fuck did you implement this feature so fast? the other guy spent 3 months designing this form (and I'm just speechless):

The form was some sort of crazyness shit passing input names as "name-of-property" and a file only to check if(name="string") then store a number value to an array and save it as a "number" (actually varchar) on the db. literally more than 50 if statements to do this.

Everything on a single table that made no sense at all.

Just wtf... At least my boss let me start if from scratch cause he we were always having panick attacks every time he needed to do something with it. 😂😂

git commit messages

at work:
Only related changes on commit
"Detailed explanation of changes
- This bug
- That bug"

personal project:
1732 changed files
"Changes"

Slack is cool and all... But do we really have to have an "account per team" ? Damn I cringed so hard when I was setting up two-factor authentication and realized it was this way... Wtf...

So this dubass left our company but convinced my boss to migrate our new stuff stack to react+firebase...

Already distributing my resume...

Oh so your deadline is Wednesday and you will travel on Thursday? Let's have a full day meeting on Monday... WELL FUCK YOU TOO!!!

so I'm here watching my boss' whatsapp blinking "typing..." for 5 minutes wondering of it's bugged, he's drunk or I have to update my CV...

Sometimes I lock in the restroom praying so the bugs stop coming.

My boss:

Doesn't manage the fucking agile board..

Doesn't call for meetings when we need...

Decides randomly for sprints duration.

Decides to do whatever he feels better with an obvious lack of thought.

Decides what to do based on assumptions instead of FUCKING ASKING THE FUCKING CLIENT!

Oh you stupid piece of shit how many time do we have to go over me explaining you how planning works and you pretending to agree?

For fucks sake
Will I really have to become the fucking PM around here so shit start being done properly?

We look like bunch of scared cockroaches doing random shit everyday and lying to our selves that we are gonna meet deadlines and produce quality software but the only shit we can produce is quality bug.

Omfg I might have spent half the day today cicling through firefox tabs doing absolutely nothing.

Just came back from a Dev event and it was so refreshing knowing that I have similar knowledge as some presenters and that almost anybody knows wtf they are doing 😂😂

Was talking about how I implemented CI/CD in one of our projects as a starting point to others and how it worked by running tests and deploying to the server and one of my colleagues laughed about having to have tests at all, I explained and asked him what was he gonna do that morning, his answer:

"Well, I'm gonna test the system X and fix some bugs"

To what I replied:

"If you have automated tests you could have those tests automatic(?!) and they also help you finding bugs early"

Wtf do ppl have in mind that they prefer remediation over prevention and they end up wasting their time with shit that could be fully automated?

So I was testing dvorak and forgot it... checkout my commit message

So I'm in charge of planning how the projects are gonna be dealt with from now on and today my boss just emailed a list of changes to another dev, with the following fuck ups:

- I'm not copied
- He already did most of it
- It doesn't even exists on our Trello board
- Obviously not thought out and unplanned Bullshits that might change once again...

I was so fucking pissed that I didn't have a reaction, I'm absolutely gonna talk to him tomorrow first thing...

Post joke get some nice upvotes.

Post actual rant , not so much 😂😂😂

Every job interview I go through I feel more certain that I need to get out of my job asap and more doubtful that I wanna work with these companies.

Fuck all these companies!! Every time I'm looking for jobs in my area all job descriptions only make me realize that I won't fit these environments and I'm better off starting my own business but I can't think of anything useful to do ... FUCK!!

When I was starting my programing adventures I was intern in a "java position" that sucked so hard that I quited about 2 weeks in....

We would actually not code any single line... It was a fucking bullshit code generator for some shitty thing that I really didn't get and all we did was watch video tutorials about how to use it...

I was going insane...

There was this "senior" php dev at the team that used to brag that php was the most awesome fucking shit in the world and once said something like "I mean... Come on ... You can do anything in php... What can you do in java that you cant in php"

Oh boy... If it was today I would teach him some manners...

So my coworker is gonna change computer and for the past two weeks is "annoying" me to install Ubuntu for her...

Look ... I'm a dev just like you... Get your shit together and do it yourself or wait.

So Wednesday I gave her the task to backup her shit because I'm gonna do it today... Guess what she told me? That I'm better at it and if I could do do for her...

Sure.. Yeah... Gonna rsync your /home/user folder to the new machine and fuck you if you loose anything, that's not my fucking job you useless piece of shit.