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Best story ever
This really happened to me yesterday at work.
Me: *walks into office*
Coworker: Hey Will, I got a question for you
Me: I...[read more]45 -
My coworker left his Windows 10 system unlocked today.
Me:
1. Print screen on desktop
2. Saves the image
3. Sets image as wallpaper
4. Hides desktop icons
5. Changes taskbar alignment to the right and enables auto hide.
6. 🤣🤣🤣39 -
*In Office
Coworker raises his head, looks at boss: "I'm leaving".
Boss raises head looks at coworker: "Ok".
All this took 5 seconds,..the weirdest 5 seconds of my life12 -
I cannot spell for shit, so my coworker keeps commenting on my pull requests with spelling fixes...
Decided to buy this for him today...
12 -
Github stats:
coworker 1: 3,535k ++ 987k --
coworker 2: 1,563k ++ 735k --
etc.
me: 453k ++ 7,848k --
I guess this confirms my job at the company as "Backend Crap Remover".8 -
Asshole trying to steal credit for my work. Can't wait for the next meeting to light this shit.
So this client hires me and this person that I'm gonna call 'B'. B deletes my name from the comments and description. Then proceeds to present it as his.
But B can't get it to run now, so they have me have a look at it. B thinks that I don't notice that he is trying to take credit for my shit. Now I'm sitting here with evidence for the next meeting with the client. Ignoring all of B's communications.68 -
Boss walked towards his office asking a coworker to do something.
Coworker replied that he'd like to but only the boss has the login codes or something like that.
Boss: ah right *walks to coworkers table* let me enter that stuff *starts typing*
Coworker: Maybe I'm running a keylogger 😏
Me: *exchanging funny eye contact with coworker* yeah maybe he is.... 😏
Boss: *looking back and forth at both our faces suspiciously*
Coworker: 😏😏😏
Me: 😏😏😏
Coworker: 😏😉
Me: 😏😆
Boss: 😐
*three of us laughing*
😆11 -
So apparently my boss knows the "new senior dev", which I will call 'B'.
Backstory:
Program which I worked on for a year, my baby, is doing fine. Suddenly B decides to update it to "standardize it", against my suggestions/protests. Fastfoward to the following morning, I get to work and there's a bunch of emails from B waiting for me. I'm like "Well there's a meeting in an hour, so no point in answering all of these". 30 minutes go by and then boss shows up in my team's area. Asking for me.
(I didn't know this at the time, but apparently boss knows B. And thinks that B is this amazing programmer and super nice.)
According to boss, B has been trying to contact me all morning about my program failing.
It is at this moment that my mentor stands up to defend me. She basically tells our boss that B is a piece of shit. And I'm just loving it, ++ to mentor for bring awesome.13 -
Where to get help on fixing a bug:
1.Google
2.Stack Overflow
.
.
.
8479.Your coworker who is coding with his earphones on.10 -
Me: can you send me the link to the pdf?
Coworker: sure: "file:///c:/users/dipshit/fuckme.pdf"
Me: FML...7 -
Coworker: "Have you heard of imposter syndrome?"
Me: "In your case it's just called incompetence"13 -
In a meeting
coworker: We need something powerful, scalable and elastic.
female coworker: like a penis?
Everyone: ...6 -
That moment when your coworker puts on loud music, you're wondering if your boss is going to like this and then your boss turns his music twice as loud and the two start a battle of who can play their music the loudest.
Yup it was friday again!18 -
- Go to www.fakeWindowsUpdate.com
- Click on one of the fake "installing updates" screen
- Make browser full screen
- Enjoy the prank!
I made my coworker wait for 90 minutes...lmao6 -
When your coworker is not looking, open his code and change a semicolon to a Greek question mark.
12 -
Me: Coffee has more coffee than energy drinks.
Coworker: You're right, coffee does have more coffee than energy drinks.
Me: I meant caffeine!19 -
Non-dev coworker (ndc) sees me using google chrome: I don't understand why chrome is so popular. I hate it and don't know why anyone would use it.
Me: what browser do you use?
NDC: internet explorer.
Me: why do you like ie better than chrome?
NDC: it does everything chrome can do and it's free.
Me: ie can NOT do everything chrome can do and chrome is free. You just have to download it from google.
NDC: no I read that chrome is proprietary software and why would I pay to use it when ie is free.
Me: ie is also proprietary software. Proprietary doesn't necessarily mean it costs money it's just not open source. Plus ie is not free. You paid for it when you bought the windows license that came with your computer.
NDC: no ie was already on the computer when I bought it so I didn't have to pay for it.
Me: it was included in the price of the computer but you still paid for it.
NDC: whatever I'm going to keep using ie because it's free for me.
ARE YOU RETARDED???29 -
I had this coworker who was proud that he's the only one who can understand the code he wrote.
That's not something to be proud about.4 -
So, this coworker of mine just said I'll never be a good programmer because I was looking for an answer on Stackoverflow, instead of figuring it out by myself.
Yeah, Satan. I'm sorry if I wasn't born knowing everything about a language I started learning a month ago.
Fuck off.19 -
"Don't waste your time on writing comments or documentation, as long as the code works!" - My (Ex-) Coworker5
-
Me: Your computer has Operating System corruption.
Customer: What does that mean?
Me: *something, something potato chips* and the only fix is to reinstall Windows.
Customer: Well that's stupid! I need my computer! Darn Windows! Microsoft should pay for that reinstallation! What causes that corruption anyway?
Me: Well, any number of things, but it's mostly caused by a part of the update not downloading correctly, so when it gets installed it creates a hole.
Customer: So now hold on... could shutting the computer down during the updates cause this corruption.
Me: It could, yes. That's why they say to not unplug your computer or shut it down while running the updates.
Customer: I see. Cause yeah, I remember that I was angry when it said it had to do updates, so I shut it down.
Me: Yep, that would cause it.
Customer: Okay, reinstall Windows...10 -
Coworker: Can you create program for me?
Me: What this "program" going to do?
Coworker: Hack bank network and send me money. Can you make it for Android?
😆😆😆7 -
A coworker was working on some code and wrote two return statements and asked a senior developer why the second value wasn't being returned.7
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Coworker: hey man, do you know what is the limit for z-index on CSS?
Me: not sure but I think it is the signed int limit.
Coworker: the waaat?
Me inside: GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!7 -
So my coworker just got this error on production server, and well, the stack trace stood out to us all...
5 -
I know that my coworker can't write a single fucking operable line of code. So I wrote a script that is called everytime someone pushes new commits. If the commits contain the username of my coworker, create a ticket in YouTrack with the Label "Rewrite", and assign it to the files changed.
So I had that running for a longer time, and my dumbfuck of coworker hardcoded the credentials of the server in a networking library. One of the credentials was his username. He then updated the copyright on the whole project(which adds a copyright in the top of every file), also in the included librarys(!). The script had a check if the files are related to the project or just librarys. In the end, he pushed all of that with another account(in fact, a reporter account), which had another name(and didn't even belong him). So the files didn't belong to the project, the script sees his username anyways, the script assigns a rewrite, and in the end, everyone in the team thinks I'm mad because I(the script with my account) assigned a rewrite to a HUGE library.
PS: It was great fun to remove these copyright notices.8 -
"I'd rather post my nude pictures in slack than this unfinished feature branch... I would just feel a bit *too* naked"
— coworker4 -
Today a Coworker got a little piece of paper acknowledging that he was a Git master, two hours later he fucked up all the branches.6
-
Fellow front end coworker got asked via email today to "capitalize the '2019' in the headline".
Still laughing over this.15 -
This dude has to be my best ever coworker !
Not only does he never disturb me, he also gives me amazing feedback during debugging 🐥
11 -
coworker: what's your address?
me: 173.168.15.10
coworker: no, your local address
me: 127.0.0.1
coworker: no, your physical address
me: 29:01:38:62:31:58
coworker: ...........4 -
Dear coworker: oh my god we aren't in highschool algebra; using "x" as the name of a parameter makes me want to cut you.16
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Coworker: This guy's computer is completely messed up...
Me: What? Why?
Coworker: So he installed some virus...
Me: Yeah? And...?
Coworker: And apparently it changed all certificates for antivirus programs into Untrusted Certificates - so he can't install anything that could remove the virus!
Me: That's horrifying..7 -
I had a coworker used to write PHP pages in this way:
<?php
echo "<html>";
echo "<head>";
// 2000+ lines of un-indented nightmares
I tried suggesting him to keep the HTML outside php tags as much as possible and I stressed out that adding some indentation to the code would have improved readability. I also sent him an example of my code created using an IDE with auto-indent functionality.
His creepy answer was: «Readability is subjective. Anyway I'll try to get used to the sinusoidal trend of your code.»12 -
Christmas came early for my coworker. He wanted 6 monitors, IT is giving him three Samsungs in portrait.
4 -
"HTML and Css don't work well together" - some wisdom from my coworker after meddling with some height settings in css16
-
Trying to convince my coworker to have a git repo instead of resending chunks of code in Slack... lmao12
-
Trying to explain to a coworker that the AJAX call he would like to do will not work due to same-origin policy restriction.
Coworker: «But for me it is working.»
Me: «What browser are you using?»
Coworker: «Internet Explorer»
LMAO2 -
I was trying to procrastinate with swag :P
Edit credits - Nik the coworker with Nik as his nickname (nik0333)
14 -
Coworker on the phone:
"There. There's the bus. Right over there. The bus full of people who give a shit.
What? You don't see it?
How *odd*.. "1 -
We’ve got a new co worker for apprenticeship in software development at the office
I hate him
In the first week he told me he chose development cause he can earn much money but never programmed before
At that point I already thought this won’t work
How, about 6 weeks later, he still asks me so dumb questions
He told me for example he needs to print an array and when I looked to the code the „array“ was just an integer and he did not understood the difference
Later that day my boss wants to check the progress of him and for the last few days there was just nothing and he needed to explain him what are variables again for the thousandst time.
In February he must go to school which is part of his apprenticeship but cause he joined our company very late he must catch up the last six months
I am really wondering how that is going to work... and how long it will take for my boss to get rid of him..
He also has absolutely now interest in learning at home after work to finally understand the basics
He just thinks he is so intelligent so he doesn’t need to
And then he complains about not getting „enough“ money -.-
Thank god for noise canceling earbuds9 -
Coworker: According to science, people who work with math or computers are least likely to get divorced.
Me: Well that's because they're least likely to get married.
Coworker: ...In order to participate in the study you had to be married at least once
Me: It was a joke, man!
Coworker: Well it wasn't a funny one!
Me: ...it was to me...7 -
You retarded cunt. Yeah, you. No, don’t stare at me like you did nothing.
I fucking wrote 3/4 of your stupid script because you put batch in PowerShell and don’t know what a fucking anonymous object is, and you take credits without acknowledging I helped the shit out of you. Do it one more time and I’ll bomb your hard drive with a fucking hammer.
Useless fuck19 -
1825. Leaving work. Today sucks. My coworker is out and she normally does this weekly report. I need her. I don't like this.27
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To my coworker who gets notifications 5 times a minute:
PUT YOUR F**KING PHONE ON SILENT, YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!
Jeeze, it's like some people have ZERO workplace etiquette 😡😡😡3 -
Lead Dev: Just use jQuery, it'll save us from adding a whole new directive in Angular.
Me: 🤦♂️
Coworker: 🤦♀️10 -
Asked a coworker for their opinion on mechanical keyboards, they suggested I get a quiet one if I was going to bring it to work.11
-
A senior developer come to interrupt me.
Senior developer: blah...blah....blah about this concept...... that concept... So, any new things you learn lately that you would like to share?
Me: I am learning back C++
Immediately he stop me and said, "Why did you learn C++? It is obsolete, no one use it anymore"
Me (in my head): But, you just said what I learn. It doesn't matter if its obsolete or not. Infact you are wrong, C++ is not obsolete anytime soon. I was about to share on webassembly.
Senior developer: So, would you like to join me in a short sharing session this afternoon.
Me: No thanks, I am really busy (just want to avoid at any cost)9 -
$ git push
> current branch is behind
$ git push -f
... 5mins later coworker is asking why his commits have disappeared.8 -
My coworker implemented this date extension for no reason. Also handles back before they changed it. He wrote tests too
6 -
Asked my co-worker if he had made a class to use for ftp connections.
He said he had.
This is what I found. FFS @michal78!
10 -
I am afraid describing my weirdest coworker would result in me getting stabbed by him with a Mickey Mouse mug. There is no coworker in the world as weird as him, and he would instantly recognise me if I were to describe him here.
I am afraid of his Mickey Mouse fetish. Actually he is 35+ and used t *gets stabbed with a Mickey Mouse mug*
7 -
Coworker: Why isn't my internet working? I've checked everything, even the ethernet cable!
Me: *sobs*
Me: *connects ethernet cable*
Me: Try now... -
I am DONE with this woman CONTINUED!
I didn't think I'd have to put another rant about this stupidity at least not this soon but she just keeps on giving!
I have my noise canceling headphones on most of the time and when I want to hear the people around, I just put the right earcup of it to the side of my ear so the music pauses. Today we had a huge disrupt on our services because of a network switch error on the hub. I was also trying to focus on my coding as I didn't wanna do a stupid mistake on the last working day and be sorry about it in the next week.
So this woman sneaks up on me from behind calling my name - meaning she has a question, surprise! -, I say 'yes' moving my head to her side ever so slightly without getting my eyes off of my screen stating subtly that I'm also listening to her while trying to focus on my shit. She starts yelling at me 'look at me!' out of nowhere! I turn my head and ask what the problem is and she asks why I'm not looking at her face! Stupid moron, I might not be too good in understanding your way of communication but you are the one asking so you WILL wait if you'd like to hear answers.
I say I'm working on something and her answer is again 'Why aren't you looking at my face it's going to be quick bla bla did we do this like that?' and I answered I didn't remember because there's no way I'd ever remember without looking further and it was no lie.
This woman clearly has stability issues and everyone else seem to be tolerating it. It's now obvious as I'm not tolerating the nonsense I'll be the one that 'she only has ever had a problem with'.
I was quick to de escalate the situation but now I'm thinking maybe I should've responded in a way that she could understand. I wouldn't ever give a shit about it but this is getting ridiculous.25 -
A coworker broke a project for days because he wrote "Juampi was here" in another person's code as a joke.3
-
When my coworker doesn't want to believe his code is inconsistent, yet he changes the syntax for commenting 3 times over 10 lines.
16 -
Coworker was told to shift code from private repo into company repo. She literally copy pasted all the files into the other repo. 😁👍6
-
A coworker complained that the ci server is to slow for a build. Found 4000 js library source files which are copied in each build.
-
When your coworker writes his own selection sort instead of using the built in Arrays.sort()
Efficiency at its finest...
-
I've of my best friends and coworker told me today that he will leave the company to move to his girlfriend.
Sad but understandable... 😐3 -
when you go to a coworker for pair programming and he insists that you write on his very very dirty and since 10 years never cleaned keyboard...
5 -
Wanna gently annoy your coworker? Every time they send you an idea about something code related, just respond with:
"git checkout shitty_ideas"3 -
A coworker that is producing incredibly bad code and refuses to learn new stuff was declared "senior developer" by my boss. And me with over 20y experience? I am just a junior.. and have to clean up his mess all the time. I guess it is time to find new job.
5 -
I'm OK with C language, but I refuse to learn Shell. My co-workers who use shell don't talk to anyone and look like zombies. Hell no. I don't even know their names after working 2 months together. Fire me.
12 -
When a coworker promises a client that you will give them a free web page because he believes that you can create it in 5 minutes.3
-
Coworker went on vacation for the first time in forever... I wonder if she'll notice something different 😂😳
9 -
coworker: I have backup my personal folder before you formated my pc, but the files aren't there
me: let me see your backup ... A shortcut named "personal files" is not a backup -
Year 0:
Coworker:
ARGH! I fuckin hate JavaScript!
Me:
Keep going! Everyone started as a novice. You'll manage.
Year 2:
Coworker:
Hmm. JavaScript is actually pretty nice!
Me:
See, you are a successful junior now!
Year 4:
Coworker:
ARGH! I fuckin hate JavaScript!
Me:
Well, so you eventually reached senior level. Nice!1 -
When a coworker thinks that you're friends because they watched The IT Crowd with 1337 subtitles on
4 -
So a coworker made a backup script that asynchronously copies the backup to the remote backup space and then deletes the backup:
scp backup.tgz remote: &
rm backup.tgz
Spot the bullshit.4 -
So my dumbass coworker did it again.
He included 600kb to the initial load of one of our platforms to use ONE FUCKING CSS CLASS!!! Wtf man?3 -
Coworker: I've got an error, can't figure it out...
Me: Send error
Coworker: NullPointerException
Me: fml
Sr. my balls.1 -
“Commit“ sounds like the german “komm mit“(come with me).
NonDev coworker asked me what “Komm mitting“ is1 -
if (stuck && coworker_near){
me.explainProblem(coworker);
// tl;dr
}
else {
me.pzizzPowerNap(20);
}
This usually works for me.
(FYI : Pzizz is a free app for Android/iOS)
1 -
Me and my friend (let's call him Tom) have done tons of projects before and got some decent knowledge, but we got a dude (Bob) working with us on that final project of Uni and he doesn't know what Git is nor what frameworks are so we chose CodeIgniter ONLY to make it easy for him.
2 month after starting the project and getting like half of the work done (mainly me and Tom) Bob 'kind of' learned PHP, CodeIgniter and Git so he wanted to contribute because the project manager will review all the commits done weekly.
So Bob did some HTML (what now?) and wanted to push it on the repo and even using Gitkraken as opposed to the Git CLI he managed to merge two f*** branches, and when he doesn't mess up the repo he totally ignores the files' structure of the project and makes his own thing.
Worst thing is, when Tom tries (I gave up a long time ago) to teach him something or to give him advice he's all like "Oh okay" "Yeah" "Got it!" but he doesn't understand anything and he won't admit it ! It's like talking to a wall...3 -
When you think it can't get any worse you stumble across legacy what-the-actual-fuck-was-he-thinking-templates of your hopefully slowly-dying ex-coworker...
7 -
That look when a coworker who could not write a logic statement tells you to comment out more of your work!
1 -
My coworker "fixed" a bug. Then an issue was reported to me. He refactored something that we both used(And my code was already working right). I asked him about it. He didn't care about it and also was upset about my question. A question that I didn't ask in a "rude" way.. The worst: the refactor only required 30 seconds to do!!!
What!!!
Please guys if you refactor do it right or don't do it at all. Have a nice day9 -
One of my customers' laptop background (removed sensitive information and desktop icons).
Coworker: When you really love Chrome, but don't know what hi-res is!
11 -
Coworker: Now you have "Windows" of opportunity to use Linux.
Me: 😑😒 wipe that smirk off your face.
CW: 😉3 -
When your daily scrum takes an hour because your senior developer co-worker gives unnecessary and incredibly detailed updates...
"Well, first I tried hiding the button, but it wouldn't come up when I needed it to, so then I made an options menu, but the sliding transition was difficult to implement, so then I..."7 -
Ever spend hours debugging and your coworker mutters "... It's probably XYZ" and they are right? 😵1
-
Showed my coworker this. He sat there staring in agony and groaning.
Coworker: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh
Me: "Is your coworker broken? Fix them in just three easy steps!"
1 -
Working late nights for the most productivity because you're a night owl and don't have to interact with a new colleague/coworker/manager/client every 5 minutes1
-
The joys of Drupal.
Coworker: i can't hide this option from this select. it's been created programmatically by another module.
Me: doesn't that mean you defined it somewhere?
C: nope, the module does it with the whole taxonomy
M: can't you interact with it somehow,
C: i don't know
M: you don't know?
C: it's a module by the community, i don't understand it
M: *what the fuck.* ...fine. can you hide it with some js for now?
C: i tried no. they get loaded at different times from different behaviours.
M: then... what?
C: i don't know, i've been searching drupal.org for the whole morning to no avail.
M: *god. damn.* Create the select with something else, then? maybe by raw php?
C: that's bullshit! you don't create elements lile that in 2018! no one writes php or html anymore, unless he"s retarded!
Bloody hell. I'm not covering for this. My part is done (in rails) and i'll deliver it this afternoon. Not for this kind of delay. -
My coworker complains how the girl who got his old job keeps phoning him asking for help. He stops talking about it only to ask for my help1
-
I am sooooo very happy & grateful that my coworker wrote down this comment.. I'd have been lost without it! :/
1 -
First hour of work today, installing the creators update...
Fortunately I helped a coworker in this time.11 -
My coworker found out that Powerpoint is Turing Complete, so now he wants to write an operating system in Powerpoint. Kill me now...2
-
Like any frontend dev working in an organisation, all of what I do are "designed" by an UX/UI designer. Now he fucking has a problem with me and has been going around saying he's gonna resign because of me. (Apparently he said that while walking away from where I was with the intention of it falling in my ears but I was oblivious to it).
On enquiring (to another colleague)why he has a problem with me he said I don't respect him. Perplexed(more curious), I asked what is it that I do to disrespect him and what I found out was out of the world.
I DISRESPECT HIM BY ASKING HIM QUESTIONS ABOUT THE WORK HE DOES.
Awesome, right? Not only does he consider that disrespect but he also takes it personally. WTH?! I'm not supposed to ask why you do a certain things?
Some of my questions -
1. Why are there font sizes of 13px, 14px, 15px right next to each other?
2. Why is there a gap between the sidebar and the content?
3. Why aren't even sizes being used?
Etc.
So much for maturity. He's completely ignoring me, be it on the floor or during meetings. I couldn't care less. It wouldn't take me much to tell him where he's fucking up. The only reason I asked him questions was to understand things better; maybe I don't understand what I find wrong.
But now ~(˘▾˘)~5 -
My new coworker: That "I know everything about all and I'm better than you" kind. Is working on Accounting but already has her fingers on my work, telling my boss things like "that's easy to do"...
Of course, she knows absolutely nothing about programming and I.T., but is easy for my boss to believe an easy lie than a complex truth.
(sorry, crude language and caps follows)
Hey, listen you fucking excuse of person, DO YOUR FUCKING JOB and stay away of my DAMN GOOD FUCKING CODE and my FUCKING SERVERS.
Not going to give you admin access in a gazillion years, even if my life depends on it.
And stop saying nonsenses about things that you WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND, because those things are too complex and abstract for your little stupid mind to understand.
Go ahead, mess with me! Will sue you to the end of your FUCKING world!
Thanks girls/guys/lasses/lads.
This is absolutely therapeutical.5 -
I have this coworker who praises himself or being vegan an caring a lot about the world and his health, but smokes and drinks quite a lot. He also is very friendly with everyone but then he privately complains about them with me and goes back to be friendly.
I could ignored this behavior until it started affecting me. Now he is just passive aggressive with everyone, including me. The kind of guy who sends a slightly bitter comment with a wink at the end almost everyday. The kind of guy who will talk to you non-stop like he is your best friend and next morning don't even look at you. The one who will try to teach you some lesson whenever you say something publicly (which he did tons of times and ended up fucking up because he had no idea what he was talking about).
I feel like ignoring him from now on no matter what he says, because he is only waiting for the perfect opportunity to make you feel like a not caring human being so he can keep standing out and controlling everyone. Yes, if you ever try to organize something, he will make sure to criticize you.
So... that's it.4 -
When you're feeling extra 'peechy' debugging coworker's crap.. I mean code..
Bonus: Anyone get's the reference?? Might have spelled it wrong.. But fuckit! I no longer care.. :\
3 -
TL;DR: don’t call me while I’m in vacation.
My first fucking day off -Monday, 8 am, sleeping like there was no tomorrow.
My coworker calls me twice to take care of a support ticket (I’m not even in support) because in our fucking Swiss company there’s no fucking German speaker. Plus the client spoke perfectly English.
Fuck you, you even had the courage to tell me I didn’t make any ticket in our system, when I already made An email to the lead of support explaining what you had to do.
So I spent half an hour calling Germany, do you pay my fucking phone bill? Nope. Plus it ended up being a problem for the NOC.
Sorry for all the fucks, but sometimes they’re necessary.8 -
Freelancer/coworker: "Why don't you just use source tree instead of git in the command line?"... me: *face palm*3
-
When your coworker quits and the CTO (in an attempt to smooth things over) tells you (an engineer) "Don't sweat it, Engineers are replaceable."2
-
Anyone else change their avatar almost daily? It feels dirty to wear the same thing everyday I think I'd start to stink...
-
When your coworker decides to torrent on the work internet and it starts slowing other stuff down.. Have fun ;)
3 -
Coworker: I did not progress much but at least I managed to get rid of all compiler warnings.
Me: That's okay. What were they about?
Coworker: No idea.
Me: How did you get rid of them then??
Coworker: I removed the "Wall" option when I use gcc. -
I work with a designer who provides me with the mockups of the websites we do where I work. We use Figma, which is a tool similar to Sketch. I do design myself and with this tool is quite easy to mockup sites.
This designer is the worst person I've ever met in terms of document organization. He never organizes the layers of the documents, or even cares to assign names to each layer. It's not that hard with simple designs but when it comes to develop a full website it becomes awful.
I've been asking him politely to organice those documents into layers and groups for almost three years to which he never does.
I'm not able to find the proper words to ask again politely and when I do, he just puts the layers without order into a bunch of groups and calls the job done.
How hard is to be a bit emphatic to your coworkers and spend 5 minutes of your time making their life easier?4 -
I got a talking to for working from home due to legit medical issues. I often work nights/weekends 'for free.' Meanwhile, half of our devs (2/4) stroll in at 11 or 12, often hungover, leave at 5 or 6 because they supposedly got their work done. No wonder I have to work nights and weekends. I'm QA, and most bugs I find are caused by those 2 guys.2
-
That co-dev who WOULDN'T TAKE NOTE at meetings or brainstorming but will keep on asking you for details afterwards. WHAT THE HELL DUDE! i have no problem with you being that lazy, but kindly get out of my face. What a bug.
-
You can type your code like an angry bitch as if you are gonna smash the fucking keyboard. I can live with that. But please don't knock on the desk every so often. That's just pointless and annoying.3
-
Me and tech coworker opens office front door. Another coworker starts ranting how he accidentally hit som key combo and started some speech synthesis feature in Windows. Me and tech coworker both declared we had never heard of that feature before.
Ten minutes goes by, then muggle coworker comes by asking for help to turn it off. Tech coworker Googles solution in literally 6 seconds on the phone without even stopping the conversation we had going on when muggle interrupted.
How is it that muggles haven't found out that the Internet contains stuff?! And that it's searchable!!
Gaaaahhh -
Fun meeting ahead, coworker that writes unreadable code (and insists that it is the best code ever) is going to complain that nobody wants to work with him.4
-
Sorry, is TL, but humbly think is worth to read.
Last Friday:
Coworker: Hey, our mail is being redirected to our client's spam folder. What did you do?
Me: Sorry, but I have no control over that.
Boss: I happened to me also. Something is wrong with our mail server.
Me: I'll check, but this is really out of my control.
Rushed to my station... domain blacklist check...Fuuuuuuuu! We been blacklisted! What in the fucking damn hell happened?????!!!
Mail server log check....Mmmm...WTF is this shit?
Devilish grin in my face....muahahahaaa! Your ass is MINE!
So, my "I know everything" new coworker ( https://www.devrant.io/rants/193238 ) used his account to send over 6300 messages a couple of times over a period of 4 hours. By our boss request we have no limit on our servers...
Gotcha! I'm going to get your ass fired!
(BTW: The pic is Gotcha the Cockatoo)
4 -
One developer got a code and had to add new feature so he writes new function in similar way that arleady written one. Pass the code to next guy.
Next guy: why did u write this function like that?
First guy: Coz one was arleady written that way
N: but it was written wrong
F: ...so now 2 are written wrong (no he will not fix it 😂😂)1 -
Hears co-working typing loud repetitive keystrokes. Wants to shout out:
FOR THE LOVE ALL THINGS
HOLY WRITE A SCRIPT!2 -
Dude, I know you want to improve your scripting skills, and I will spend an hour with you to explain 5 lines if I have to.
But damn, don’t write 25 scripts that call one after the other, mixing PS and Batch (come on, a batch for loop in a .ps1 file...) and then ask me to do it properly after that you fucking raped the console’s butthole.
Cunt.2 -
Coworker: "I'll just refactor this one messy piece of code and catch up with you later"
Me to another coworker: "We will not see him anytime soon..." -
!rant
Coworker: I've been working on this computer for an entire day now and it's still having issues
Boss: Well, we can give the client an option to get another SSD and clone to it before reinstalling the OS.
Coworker: But he doens't have an SSD...
Boss: Yes he does
Coworker: *opens computer* let's see, two 1TB hard drives... but no SSD... Oh, there it is. It's hidden. But it's booting too slow to be....
*epiphany*
Coworker: Oh my god. I've been telling the computer to boot to the wrong hard drive. That explains everything!1 -
Coworker; i’m soooo busy please don’t bother me.
Emailbox: full with mails from the coworker that does seem to have time to write all those -
So my coworker is gonna change computer and for the past two weeks is "annoying" me to install Ubuntu for her...
Look ... I'm a dev just like you... Get your shit together and do it yourself or wait.
So Wednesday I gave her the task to backup her shit because I'm gonna do it today... Guess what she told me? That I'm better at it and if I could do do for her...
Sure.. Yeah... Gonna rsync your /home/user folder to the new machine and fuck you if you loose anything, that's not my fucking job you useless piece of shit.6 -
!rant
I am a developer at a tech company. The tester in my team refuse to test my work because he feel I don't respect him. He is a fucking idiot, so obviously I don't respect him. I can still do my job just like always, so I told the cretin it doesn't matter if I respect him or not and he doesn't need my respect to do his job.
At the end of the day I couldn't care less about his feelings. I just hope my boss doesn't fire me when he finds out.3 -
I used to work with this Chinese coworker who wished himself 'Good afternoon' in Japanese everytime he ran into a wall when coding. He used to say, "Konnichiwa, Konnichiwa"!
But it's worth mentioning that he was such a good guy to work with! -
Coworker: Oh, I couldn't find my Excel file, can you help me to find it?
Me: What is your file name?
Coworker: The file created long time ago, I forgot my file name. But I open it yesterday.
Me: Ok, let's check open recent. (It's surprisingly empty)
Coworker: Yeah, I cleared it just before you arrived. I thought clearing the recent item, will show older items.
Me: ...Ok, let's do a search on all Excel items, which drive did you save your file?
Coworker: I don't remember.
Me: (After search) There are 1000 Excel files. You can start from eliminating the items you remember and ultimately you will find your file. That's all I can help.
Coworker: @x$(/"! ?!
There always a forgetful coworker around me that thinks I am a magician.2 -
Who thinks that noisy mechanical keyboard is a smart idea in an open office?
I think I'll go mad by the end of the month...14 -
Ten ways to fail at public key cryptography, Today:
When encrypting a file for your coworker, encrypt for your own key instead of his/hers3 -
Coworker creates separate HTML files for create and edit pages. The HTML is identical in both pages.
The redundancy make me cri1 -
When the only other person on your dev team is an arrogant, miserable piece of shit that you despise but have to pretend to get along with so you can get a paycheck
3 -
!rant
Coworker: I yelled at Sony for the PS3 having 7 USB ports... I said that devices only need 2 USB ports. But now, I have this laptop here that has two USB ports and I'm yelling at it! So who's the hypocrite?
Me: You?
Coworker: Sony. Though to be fair, this laptop was made back before we really needed a lot of USB ports. Keyboards and mice were PS/2.
Me: What about printers?
Coworker: They have printer cables....
Me: WHICH ARE USB!
Coworker: ....Oh yeah...2 -
Spent 2 hours trying get ng-model working with <select> with no success. Then co worker came and changed model from string to object and moon walked back to his seat.5
-
When you sit at your desk peacefully doing nothing and a coworker calls you.
Almost fell off my chair... -
Finally got another job!! I have been freed of my shackles of my coworker monkeys and ColdFusion ;D1
-
My coworker @caprico working on an (NON-IT) assignment (unrelated to databasing): "Oh sweet don't have to normalize this!"
We look up and our databasing major coworker has a look of anger and despair on his face.
Made my day.3 -
Just got upset with a coworker due to not understanding the code written, logic, lack of documentation, comments. Nothing!
Other coworker: But Dave, you added that feature last December. Remember?
Me: So what are we working on today? -
Fuck you negative bastard! I really hate when someone "predicts" failure to meet the deadline of some project we haven't started yet. This bastard thinks we will fail only because he is a complete mess at coding and fears learning new things.5
-
When you have a dev domain, yet your senior developer coworkers still add "Dev" to their app names..
-
not actually a coworker, but I had to take the place of this guy who made the whole websites layouts in tables. in 20122
-
When after a drunk night your code is working and yesterday's bugs are all gone.
I'm so lucky that drunken me is my coworker. (:2 -
Wait spotify is blocked in my office but other guys spotify are not blocked? Oh well I'll just use the unblocked deezer. Thanks to my coworker.15
-
When you get to the office and see your coworker starting to make coffee...but they always make it with 1/2 the required grounds.5
-
Why fucking my coworker push not compilable code on master branch??
Ok we are developing it, no yet release but I can't compile it for my tests.
4 -
Fixing unit-tests that expects 2017... kills my motivation at first workday this year.... I hate my coworker -..-
-
Revenge of the developer.
After our project consultants aren't good at planning projects I started my revenge. They will get soon a heart attack or paranoia...
Every time I need something from them (cause they missed it in the specs) and see them at the end of the floor. I stealth in their room and stand behind their door. When they are sitting, the door is closing mystically and I step to them. The faces are hilarious. That's my way to teach them to write better Specs :) -
What should I do if a coworker is always trying to pawn off their work on me? Whenever a bug is found, she'll always try to throw it in my court (via passive-aggressive-reply-all emails) even though its 90% of the time, some shit she wrote. I'd rather not go to my boss, because it feels like whining. But confronting her has been difficult because she works remote, is more senior than me, and there is a slight language barrier. Honestly, I think she pretends to know less English than she does, to ignore my emails...7
-
Hey DevRant, I'd like you to meet "Marketing Brandon", his favorite daily activities include:
- asking me when that landing page is going to be ready
- asking how to support a customer on live chat even though he chose to assign the ticket to himself in the first place
- explaining how important social media is
- telling me he's working as fast as he can on some website copy I need and then sitting and composing tweets for 40 minutes
- asking if I can "just real quickly when I get the chance" implement a huge new feature for our users
- announcing to the entire office that he "has to leave early today" because the pet store closes at 5 and his ferret ran out of food yesterday
-.-
Does your office have a Marketing Brandon or similar?
3 -
My company just hired an older coworker that uses a flip phone 😳
Idk wether to be concerned or scared ..... 😩15 -
Him: "I'm updating a site and I'm trying to find the REST endpoints you put out to replace the SOAP services"
Me: "Send me a list of endpoints it's using and I'll tell you what the new ones are"
Him: "Here's a list of the endpoints. The ones I've found are in bold"
Me: "Here's the new list."
Him: "Why did you only fill out the ones I'm not using?"
So, FML, he sent me a list of everything in the WSDL and bolded the ones he "found" in his code. And I'm the asshole for getting frustrated that he wasted 30 minutes of my time. -
Hey you were not here yesterday so we assigned you to do this job that requires this training and is really fun and good for your experience
Says the coworker that was supposed to do it but does not want to do it because he thinks the work takes too much time and doesn't think the training is usefull.
Sorry what???1 -
!rant
import analogies
Customer: So I have two emails and I'd like to be able to use them.
Me: Okay, I see you have both Windows Live Mail and Thunderbird...
Customer: Yeah, Thunderbird was the old one we used, we now use the Windows Live Mail, but it's always having problems.
Me: Well, Windows Live Mail isn't supported anymore, so I would recommend moving back to Thunderbird.
Customer: But that would mean I would have to get another email, right?
Me: No... *thinks for a moment* OK, imagine you have a garden hose that is connected to the main line of your house. You with me?
Customer: I guess...
Me: So the connection from your house is your email - or at least the server out on the internet. Now on the other end you have a hose splitter, and it splits off into two other hoses. Still with me?
Customer: Yeah...
Me: So on the end of the other two hoses you have two spray nozzles; one for each hose. Now one nozzle is from company A and the other is from company B. Both nozzles share some spray types on the heads, but there are a few heads on A that B doesn't have and vice versa.
Customer: OK...
Me: Those spray heads are Windows Live Mail and Thunderbird. They receive your mail from the same place, like the water, but they have different features. Does that makes sense?
Customer: I suppose.5 -
Right now business is kind of slow for my company, so I've been working on Documentation. It's been kind of cool to make the gitlab repo, write the Markdown documents, and then push them to the repo when finished, but it's also hard because it's only me really doing anything...
-
Co-worker put up a pull-request for his work, with no build file, no readme, no gitignore, and shell scripts for running the app (but not compiling it). O_o
The guy has been using atom editor even though we have license for Intellij for everyone, which .. whatever .. if it works for you...
In our daily stand, people offered to help him add the build files and he was like, "No, I know how to do it, I was just trying to avoid using Gradle until I had to."
It just made me think, "Yea I know you have all these nice screw drivers and hammers, but I'm going to keep using my hands and this stick so I can avoid using tools until I have to." -
"Just try it on production"
- a coworker DBA shortly before he desperately had to figure out how to restore to the latest backup. -
Coworker has been working as a web developer at our company for 10 years... Yesterday I see him watching this video intently: https://youtu.be/PLA2FaOXkkg ?4
-
my coworker made a scss-variable for $white. in case white should anywhere soon get a new hex-value3
-
My best coworker was my mentor from another place, always dreamed of being as skilled as he is, until we were finally working together, we became buddies.
-
When youre a-hole coworker who sits next to you complains that you don't come into the office early enough for his taste.10
-
try{
someObject.someAttribute = (int?) reader["columnName"];
}catch{
someObject.someAttribute = null;
}
Or, same coworker, another piece of code:
if(((int?)reader["foo"]).HasValue){
bar = (int?)reader["foo"];
}else{
bar = null;
} -
trying to do a git merge by command line, because my coworker insists on developing directly on the staging server using ssh1
-
Rough night yesterday for my coworker who has forgotten we can't write code past column 72 and that col 80 is the end of the line.
3 -
Nothing feels better than seeing yourself doing better as a self taught web developer compare to some jsackass with a CS degree who talks about what he learnt in school couple years ago. Who cares? You can't do shit at work and I don't even know why you work here if you have no desire to learn new things. If he graduated in late 90s he would still be coding in PHP 3.0.2
-
I feel with @gipsydanger
I had to work with snake case columns with a maximum name length of 16 characters. Abbreviations, acronyms and undocumented adfixes. The ORM models were generated with resolved pendants of the column names. There are typos in name resolving and some adfixes were used with different understandings which result in completely wrong field/property names for the ORM. As this ORM class generating process is separated from migrations some people did not care or check on the ORM.
Previous rant https://devrant.com/rants/1461563/1 -
Me: *tinkering on a webpage that spits out random characters, motivations, themes, and genres for the purpose of short story creation*
Me: Okay, so we have a young girl, with the motivation of The Power of Friendship, the theme of Crime, with the story structure of Dan Harmon, and set in a Fantasy genre.
Coworker: Dan Harmon? Improvise. Wait... A young girl, on a Purge planet who befriends Morty... I mean a young boy from a different universe.
Me: *a minute later* Wait a second, that was an episode of Rick and Morty!!
Coworker: I did that on purpose because you said Dan Harmon.1 -
Coworker: "Undefined Fuck you!"
Me: "Well if it's undefined you should probably store 'fuck you' somewhere" -
Site working for me and not coworker during testing.
Go crazzy for 10 minutes.
Find resource pointed to http://localhost/file.php
Feel silly rest of day. -
Coworker 1 asked if there was a website where he can learn more about Formstack.
Coworker 2 said no.
Coworker 1 asked him then what about formstack itself? Is their website helpful? Do they have a help section?
Coworker 2: "Well there’s not really a websiiiiiite for help, but their main website has a page for help.”
Coworker 1: “can you send me a link?”
Coworker 2: "no. I mean I can, but I mean they don’t really have a help website, but just help on their website.”
Coworker 1: "WTF!"2 -
Part 3 of : Tales of the coworker that fucks with my scripting
I got angry. He finally gave me the whole thing he wants to do, and wrote me the working process, and I was finally happy.
I’m working on his stuff and ask him to come check something when he’s there : « oh I changed this and that but I don’t get why it’s wrong »
You useless keyboard without space bar, you know that if you charge your time overlapping my work you’re in the shit, plus you’re doing it wrong. You want to learn? Fine, either don’t ask me to do your stuff, or let’s check this outside work time, I’ll be glad to teach you. But stop losing your and my time for Christ’s sake.
I will get this shit done in 20 Minutes if you stop interrupting my fucking work and I’ve put comments, you will be able to check them so you will understand what the fuck you’re doing wrong.
Cunt. -
When your coworker is a "yes...but". If your solution is either non-existent, or vague, and mine is actual code, PLZ STFU. Nobody wants your "constructive criticism".1
-
Coworker says he *creates a framework* in node.js, saw it and he created some folders (controllers, config, routes) and used express...
-
I've never been more annoyed than while a coworker is humming right next to me... for the ENTIRE shift!2
-
Speaking with my former coworker about networking:
Me: Coaxial uses the Ethernet layer two protocol.
Coworker: No? Coax uses the RADIUS layer two protocol.
And this guy was my "superior." -
There is no fucking holy grail of programming. It's better to use the right tools for each task instead of wasting hours to make the wrong tool do a horrible job. But noooooo. Even since this co-worker got here, he bragged how good Drupal 7 is for everything, and he never even ised it once before! Now we have 2 fucking projects beyond schedule and a new one coming ing, each of which tries to use a fucking CMS as if it was a fucking framework. Fucking idiots who believe setting a couple of options via gui to generate random code means programming. Fucking bosses who believe using 3rd party community modules and hacking around them to have them do different stuff is better than coding what we need. I fucking gave up and started using raw php to be able to finish this fucking project, but my damn co-worker refuses to. He keeps swearing and punching the desk, saying it's our clients' fault for asking stupid features, and if you dare to mention how it may because we're using a cms like it was a framework, he just goes full bigot about Drupal. Bloody Hell, it would have taken lass than 3 weeks in Rails. I could just headbutt a kitten right now.1
-
Day 2:
My coworker has picked up that I can hear their humming... Continues to hum to every song they're listening to.
Now is known as Hummingbird. -
I always give chance to my coworkers to proceed for new projects, to know how not to fail!
And then I do it efficiently.
*Promoted* -
when a coworker doesnt acknowledge what u said , and proceeds to tell you what u just said right back 5 minutes later.3
-
Time to face the truth.
I'm being moved from one team to another. Which is great.
But the reason I'm being moved is to take over for another dev. So that dev can get a promotion. So basically I'm getting a promotion, without the pay raise.
I can't fight this either.
So I'll take this as an opportunity to get all the experience. Also begin looking around.2 -
My team builds robots and we're trying to use an IMU for orientation. Asked one of the members to find our spare one because the one in the robot was apparently throwing errors.
Him: "Oh hey I couldn't find it"
Me: "did you look in all the boxes?"
Him: "ya dude I looked in all our boxes, even the box we never use"
Me: "shoot ok I guess we lost one, I'll order another one soon"
*1 day passes*
Me: goes to our main box to get a keyboard out
Me: opens the box, IMU is sitting right on top
Me: pulls out the keyboard, sees ANOTHER IMU sitting in the box
Me: "hey coworker, you said you looked in all the boxes, right?"
Him: "yeah dude no clue where it is."
Me: "it's sitting right on top. Plus there's another one in here"
Him: "oh lol that's weird"
That's all you have to say for yourself? That's weird?! DUDE NOT ONLY WAS IT SITTING RIGHT ON TOP OF THE BOX, THERE WE'RE *2* OF THEM IN THERE, IN THE MAIN BOX WE USE
the sad part is that's not even the worst part of the story... That part to follow soon ;)1 -
that coworker playing nordic music on spotify without headphones so everyone can "concentrate"... (his own words...)5
-
When your neanderthal coworkers use chrome's 'Copy Selector' option to hook into other widgets..
$('body > div:nth-child(34) > div > ul > li:nth-child(3) > a > span:nth-child(2)').click()2 -
Coworker is using the WYSIWYG to make a responsive template for his content instead of creating a theme tpl file for the page. :(
-
Coworker is trying to make me look bad by posting a piece of code in the group chat...
Nobody reacts.
Winning2 -
When your coworker is so slow that your boss wants you to fix the coworker's bugs. Even though said coworker has nothing better to do, wrote the code and probably knows exactly where the issue is.
-
I remember working with this classmate - who was stoned most of the time - for a project for the commerce chamber. Basically a web app with front end in Sencha (don’t judge me please, it’s 4 years ago) and backend in plain php. It was my first project for a client and wanted to get it done right... if it wasn’t for my classmate. We had autumn break and he was behind with his part and he told me “don’t worry I’ll catch up all the backend during the holidays “ - which he did, sort of. He asked me to test the code because it was clearly not working, and when I opened it... JavaScript. JavaScript code instead of php. The guy was so stoned that he didn’t notice, and I don’t know if he used notepad to write it but he genuinely did not notice. I ended up letting him being stoned for the rest of the project.
Inspired by this rant : https://devrant.com/rants/1396576/...3 -
So, my coworker hibernates his laptop, connects phone to USB and wonder why the phone won't charge...6
-
When my client asks my team for a simple script and my coworker spends an entire sprint writing a C++ application and complaining about how difficult it is.1
-
coworker: "Did you see my code review?"
me: "Yeah, I haven't gotten to it yet, I'm sorry."
coworker starts sobbing.
me: questioning existence. -
Don't ask me to go to your desk or wherever you are just to tell me some bullshit you could write over chat. Specially not when I'm wearing my headphones.
-
Not following the front end "standards" of the company I work for ( Sass variables, Methods, CSS frameworks, mixins, etc.) even though we had a meeting talking about following standards to improve the workflow a day before.2
-
Always ask "can I Google this?" before interrupting a coworker, teaches you independence, often gets you an answer quicker, and makes you look smarter
-
Customer (to me): I was talking to [my coworker] and he said to [generic fix]. I just wanted to let him know it worked!
Me: I'm glad to hear that--I'll be sure to let him know!
Customer: Thanks!
Me (to coworker): That person said your fix worked.
Him (an atheist): Thank Jesus... thank Zombie Jesus!
Me: More like "thank Barry Benson."
Coworker: Who is Barry Benson?
Me: *Googles Barry Benson to show him*
We both cracked up for like a full minute. -
20 min until the showing of our finals project and the only guy who has all the code refuses to make a build that we can try out beforehand. Ah ffs. Had to go to the bathroom cause I feel ill and need a breather.3
-
The moment you pull the latest changes just to find out that your new coworker edited all the js files in xcode
1 -
My ex colleague in my previous company wrote a big rant about me.
As per his claim that i was hired in the development and research department
But personally during 3 months and a half and i never received a single task to do. So i took the decision to leave this company and search for a better career. Until now they never did a single project it's all internal.
As well after getting hired again i had just published 2 android applications for now and am working on my first IOS mobile app -
Made commit changes on a Friday afternoon. Coworker makes changes over labor day weekend and things aren't in place. I'm just annoyed by the need to chase these bugs down, not so much my coworker. Fuckin hell.
-
You set a value to a variable at line 80. At line 237, you set the value again, calculated in the same way, with the same, untouched parameters. The variable isn't used at all anywhere between these two points...
If I have to do maintenance to your .net code, and can tell that not only did you learn on COBOL, but that you're a bad COBOL programer, Fuck You!2 -
At work today I was told that a guy from some other area knew how to get me credentials to access a particular system I had some stuff to do. So I approached this guy later in the afternoon saying that someone had told me that he knew the stuff and could help me, and then I proceeded explaining my issue to him. Five minutes after my monologue he stared at me, at this point I was very confident I got my point across, and then asked: who gave you my name?
Who cares? Fuuuuuuuck my life 😤😤😤 -
that moment when your coworker doesn't know about shift+tab and uses backspace to untab blocks of code :') priceless guess i won't show let him know.
-
In my college project I am stuck with dumbos. I thought because of of experience in industry I would make them learn something. They don't anything other data entry, a lot of which can be automated. And I work the code which involves building APIs and 2 different Android apps. They are 3 and I am one. Till today they never bother to install the dev environment. Today I told them to get their laptops so they could connect to my laptop server and work with it. But no one bothered to get their laptops. All of them were using my one laptop. Can you imagine 3 people sitting on one machine instead of 3. And I have to sit there doing nothing😑. I went out to chill for sometime knowing that I could do nothing useful without my laptop. And when I return I find that instead of adding new entries, these people kept on editing old entries.🤦🏻 I mean how dumb could anyone be. Power of 3 brains. I can handle 0 work done, but this is negative work. I could done it myself by writing some automation script. And these people tell people behind my back to my friends that they do all the work😡. I have reached the limits.2
-
Coworker offers to help me by starting a project for me. After a few weeks, coworker insists that they got it covered and will go ahead and complete the project. 2 months later, coworker asks me to build a responsive mobile menu and also create an adaptive welcome page for the content provided by the client. My coworker explains to me that they're running into issues with it.
I have him share the repo....
3 weeks later... I just got done redoing the entire project because of how unbelievably shitty his work was.
Don't fucking offer to help if you don't know WTF you're doing.1
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