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My coworker left his Windows 10 system unlocked today.
1. Print screen on desktop
2. Saves the image
3. Sets image as wallpaper
4. Hides desktop icons
5. Changes taskbar alignment to the right and enables auto hide.
Coworker raises his head, looks at boss: "I'm leaving".
Boss raises head looks at coworker: "Ok".
All this took 5 seconds,..the weirdest 5 seconds of my life10
I cannot spell for shit, so my coworker keeps commenting on my pull requests with spelling fixes...
Decided to buy this for him today...12
coworker 1: 3,535k ++ 987k --
coworker 2: 1,563k ++ 735k --
me: 453k ++ 7,848k --
I guess this confirms my job at the company as "Backend Crap Remover".7
Asshole trying to steal credit for my work. Can't wait for the next meeting to light this shit.
So this client hires me and this person that I'm gonna call 'B'. B deletes my name from the comments and description. Then proceeds to present it as his.
But B can't get it to run now, so they have me have a look at it. B thinks that I don't notice that he is trying to take credit for my shit. Now I'm sitting here with evidence for the next meeting with the client. Ignoring all of B's communications.58
Boss walked towards his office asking a coworker to do something.
Coworker replied that he'd like to but only the boss has the login codes or something like that.
Boss: ah right *walks to coworkers table* let me enter that stuff *starts typing*
Coworker: Maybe I'm running a keylogger 😏
Me: *exchanging funny eye contact with coworker* yeah maybe he is.... 😏
Boss: *looking back and forth at both our faces suspiciously*
*three of us laughing*
So apparently my boss knows the "new senior dev", which I will call 'B'.
Program which I worked on for a year, my baby, is doing fine. Suddenly B decides to update it to "standardize it", against my suggestions/protests. Fastfoward to the following morning, I get to work and there's a bunch of emails from B waiting for me. I'm like "Well there's a meeting in an hour, so no point in answering all of these". 30 minutes go by and then boss shows up in my team's area. Asking for me.
(I didn't know this at the time, but apparently boss knows B. And thinks that B is this amazing programmer and super nice.)
According to boss, B has been trying to contact me all morning about my program failing.
It is at this moment that my mentor stands up to defend me. She basically tells our boss that B is a piece of shit. And I'm just loving it, ++ to mentor for bring awesome.12
Me : So how's the deadlines here?
Coworker : There are none.
Me : ?
Coworker : if they are unrealistic, we push non-working code. Prod comes up with bugs, and we get a new sprint to resolve those bugs.
Me: ╰[ ⁰﹏⁰ ]╯10
Me: can you send me the link to the pdf?
Coworker: sure: "file:///c:/users/dipshit/fuckme.pdf"
Coworker: I'm trying to classify data based on X
Me: Mhh. Seems like a hard task, we don't have data to figure out X
Coworker: I know! That's why I thought about using machine learning!
Me: (Oh, boy)
Coworker: I'm working on training this ML model that will be able to classify based on X
Me: and what are the inputs for your training?
Coworker: The data classified based on X
Me: And where did you get that from?
Coworker: I don't have it! That will be the output of my ML model!
Me: But you just said that was the input!
Me: Don't you see a contradiction here?
Coworker: Yes, it's a pretty complicated problem, that's why I'm stuck. Can you help me with that?
Me: (Looking at my watch) Sorry I'm late for a meeting. Catch up later, bye!15
Coworker: "Have you heard of imposter syndrome?"
Me: "In your case it's just called incompetence"10
Me: **posts 🔥rant**
Me: **gets flood of devRant notifs**
Coworker: "What push API are you testing?"
That moment when your coworker puts on loud music, you're wondering if your boss is going to like this and then your boss turns his music twice as loud and the two start a battle of who can play their music the loudest.
Yup it was friday again!14
So at work today my coworker overlooked my laptop running Linux with i3.
Coworker: How do you live with this?
Me: What do you mean? This is customized to work with Git and my IDE efficiently while I do dev ops with my server.
Coworker: Your mouse barely works and you operate this thing totally on keyboard shortcuts. Linux will never be a serious platform.
Me: I'm not saying you or anyone at work has to use this, I built an environment to suite my needs. Same as anyone. I thought you liked consumer choice?
Needless to say we didn't get much further beyond him thinking I was nuts for configuring my server in the cli. I swear I don't understand why I try to explain anymore. 😡20
Non-dev coworker (ndc) sees me using google chrome: I don't understand why chrome is so popular. I hate it and don't know why anyone would use it.
Me: what browser do you use?
NDC: internet explorer.
Me: why do you like ie better than chrome?
NDC: it does everything chrome can do and it's free.
Me: ie can NOT do everything chrome can do and chrome is free. You just have to download it from google.
NDC: no I read that chrome is proprietary software and why would I pay to use it when ie is free.
Me: ie is also proprietary software. Proprietary doesn't necessarily mean it costs money it's just not open source. Plus ie is not free. You paid for it when you bought the windows license that came with your computer.
NDC: no ie was already on the computer when I bought it so I didn't have to pay for it.
Me: it was included in the price of the computer but you still paid for it.
NDC: whatever I'm going to keep using ie because it's free for me.
ARE YOU RETARDED???28
"Don't waste your time on writing comments or documentation, as long as the code works!" - My (Ex-) Coworker5
Fellow front end coworker got asked via email today to "capitalize the '2019' in the headline".
Still laughing over this.15
Me: Your computer has Operating System corruption.
Customer: What does that mean?
Me: *something, something potato chips* and the only fix is to reinstall Windows.
Customer: Well that's stupid! I need my computer! Darn Windows! Microsoft should pay for that reinstallation! What causes that corruption anyway?
Me: Well, any number of things, but it's mostly caused by a part of the update not downloading correctly, so when it gets installed it creates a hole.
Customer: So now hold on... could shutting the computer down during the updates cause this corruption.
Me: It could, yes. That's why they say to not unplug your computer or shut it down while running the updates.
Customer: I see. Cause yeah, I remember that I was angry when it said it had to do updates, so I shut it down.
Me: Yep, that would cause it.
Customer: Okay, reinstall Windows...10
Coworker: Can you create program for me?
Me: What this "program" going to do?
Coworker: Hack bank network and send me money. Can you make it for Android?
Coworker: "Hey do you have 30 minutes? We should debug my broken code together."
Me: *slightly interested in the project he's working on* "Sure, let's do it."
Coworker: *explains the problem for 10 mins*
Coworker: "OH here's the problem!" *type type type* *git commit -am 'Fixed'* "Done."
Me: *wants 10 minutes of life back*9
So my coworker just got this error on production server, and well, the stack trace stood out to us all...5
I know that my coworker can't write a single fucking operable line of code. So I wrote a script that is called everytime someone pushes new commits. If the commits contain the username of my coworker, create a ticket in YouTrack with the Label "Rewrite", and assign it to the files changed.
So I had that running for a longer time, and my dumbfuck of coworker hardcoded the credentials of the server in a networking library. One of the credentials was his username. He then updated the copyright on the whole project(which adds a copyright in the top of every file), also in the included librarys(!). The script had a check if the files are related to the project or just librarys. In the end, he pushed all of that with another account(in fact, a reporter account), which had another name(and didn't even belong him). So the files didn't belong to the project, the script sees his username anyways, the script assigns a rewrite, and in the end, everyone in the team thinks I'm mad because I(the script with my account) assigned a rewrite to a HUGE library.
PS: It was great fun to remove these copyright notices.8
Coworker: hey man, do you know what is the limit for z-index on CSS?
Me: not sure but I think it is the signed int limit.
Coworker: the waaat?
Me inside: GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!7
me: "ah, my scraper is nearly done - just need some final tweaks"
coworker: "JuSt FrOm LoOkInG aT yOuR ScReEn A fEw TiMeS tOdAy, I cAn TeLl YoU iT wOnT wOrK"
me, infuriated by his idiot mentality but not trying to start anything: "ah, its fine, I've already scraped 3000+ entities"
coworker: "but it wont work."
me: "but... its working..."
coworker: "but it won't work."
sometimes its just better to just affirm the narcessistic assholes. make sure they are right.6
---- Startup RantLife ----
A senior developer joined the team, let's name him Bob, and this guy is really good no doubts about that.
He made suggestions, some improvements, but Bob is always waving his hands and says out loud that some part of the code base is really really bad.
I kept quiet until one day I had to pair with Bob to check a feature. Guess what happened, as usual, Bob clenched his fist and start pointing that this code is super ugly.
So let's check the history of changes and boom, Bob was the main writer.
That moment, I was completely silent, trying not to smile as Bob came up with an excuse, he never admits that he is wrong, now he needs a scapegoat and he starts blaming the process, the planning...
I believe that being humble and saying sorry is a quality that it requires time to develop.
So don't be like Bob, please :)14
A coworker found this picture yesterday and it perfectly describes our product a month before release4
coworker: what's your address?
coworker: no, your local address
coworker: no, your physical address
Fuck you. Really.
For buying a pizza for lunch, bringing it to the office and eating it at your desk.
I was just sitting here eating my lunch, but hey. I guess I have to go get a pizza now. Dammit.8
I had a coworker used to write PHP pages in this way:
// 2000+ lines of un-indented nightmares
I tried suggesting him to keep the HTML outside php tags as much as possible and I stressed out that adding some indentation to the code would have improved readability. I also sent him an example of my code created using an IDE with auto-indent functionality.
His creepy answer was: «Readability is subjective. Anyway I'll try to get used to the sinusoidal trend of your code.»11
Trying to explain to a coworker that the AJAX call he would like to do will not work due to same-origin policy restriction.
Coworker: «But for me it is working.»
Me: «What browser are you using?»
Coworker: «Internet Explorer»
Coworker: This guy's computer is completely messed up...
Me: What? Why?
Coworker: So he installed some virus...
Me: Yeah? And...?
Coworker: And apparently it changed all certificates for antivirus programs into Untrusted Certificates - so he can't install anything that could remove the virus!
Me: That's horrifying..7
So this chick has been super nice to me for the past few months, and has been trying to push me towards a role in security. She said nothing but wonderful things about it. It’s easy, it’s not much work, it’s relaxing, etc.
I eventually decided I’m burned out enough that something, anything different would be good, and went for it. I’m now officially doing both dev and security. The day I started, she announced that she was leaving the security team and wouldn’t join any other calls. Just flat-out left.
She trained me on doing a security review of this release, which basically amounted to a zoom call where I did all of the work and she directed me on what to do next, ignored everything I said, and treated me like an idiot. It’s apparently an easy release. The work itself? Not difficult, but it’s very involved, very time consuming, and requires a lot of paper trail — copying the same crap to three different places, tagging lots of people, copying their responses and pasting them elsewhere, filing tickets, linking tickets, copying info back and forth to slack, signing off on things, tagging tickets in a specific way, writing up security notes in a very specific format etc. etc. etc. It’s apparently usually very hectic with lots of last-minute changes, devs who simply ignore security requests, etc.
I asked her at the end for a quick writeup because I’m not going to remember everything and we didn’t cover everything that might happen.
Her response: Just remember what you did here, and do it again!
I asked again for her to write up some notes. She said “I would recommend.. you watch the new release’s channel starting Thursday, and then review what we did here, and just do all that again. Oh, and if you have any questions, talk to <security boss> so you get in the habit of asking him instead of me. Okay, bye!”
No handoff doc?
Not willing to answer questions after a day and a half of training?
• She was friendly.
• She pushed me towards security.
• She said the security role was easy and laid-back.
• I eventually accepted.
• She quit the same day.
• The “easy release” took a day and a half of work with her watching, and it has a two-day deadline.
• She treated (and still treats) me like a burden and ignores everything I said or asked.
• The work is anything but laid-back.
• She refuses to spend any extra time on this or write up any notes.
• She refuses to answer any further questions because (quote) “I should get in the habit of asking <security boss> instead of her”
So she smiled, lied, and stabbed me in the back. Now she’s treating me like an annoyance she just wants to go away.
I get that she’s burned out from this, but still, what a fucking bitch. I almost can’t believe she’s acting this way, but I’ve grown to expect it from everyone.
But hey, at least I’m doing something different now, which is what I wanted. The speed at which she showed her true colors, though, holy shit.
“I’m more of a personal motivator than anything,” she says, “and I’m first and foremost a supporter of women developers!” Exactly wrong, every single word of it.
God I hate people like this.19
Christmas came early for my coworker. He wanted 6 monitors, IT is giving him three Samsungs in portrait.4
You retarded cunt. Yeah, you. No, don’t stare at me like you did nothing.
I fucking wrote 3/4 of your stupid script because you put batch in PowerShell and don’t know what a fucking anonymous object is, and you take credits without acknowledging I helped the shit out of you. Do it one more time and I’ll bomb your hard drive with a fucking hammer.
Trying to convince my coworker to have a git repo instead of resending chunks of code in Slack... lmao12
Marketing coworker: We MUST integrate with XYZ
Me: sure, they have a REST API and OAuth2. What part of our system do you want to integrate with XYZ?
coworker: Emmm... I don't know. Everything
Me: ...okay. What does XYZ even do?
coworker: Emmm... our customers use it, so we have to integrate with them.
Me: fine. I'm reading that XYZ has function ABC and PQR. Which one do our customers use?
coworker: ABC, definitely ABC
coworker: Our customers say nothing is working!
*looks into the problem*
Me: That's because they're using PQR and not ABC.
This kind of research is NOT my job, it's YOURS5
A co-worker/friend came in to work this morning and told me how amazing his interview went yesterday and how amazing the company is. He said he won't know if he got the position till Monday after they interview the other guy.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the other person they are interviewing is me. I think it might get awkward when Monday comes and I'm not at work and he realizes why.17
"HTML and Css don't work well together" - some wisdom from my coworker after meddling with some height settings in css8
Coworker 1: Ugh, what name should I give this variable? Any idea?
Coworker 2: Doesn't matter that much. Just give it a name.
Coworker 1: ** Types in "albert" **7
I was trying to procrastinate with swag :P
Edit credits - Nik the coworker with Nik as his nickname (nik0333)12
Coworker: According to science, people who work with math or computers are least likely to get divorced.
Me: Well that's because they're least likely to get married.
Coworker: ...In order to participate in the study you had to be married at least once
Me: It was a joke, man!
Coworker: Well it wasn't a funny one!
Me: ...it was to me...7
We’ve got a new co worker for apprenticeship in software development at the office
I hate him
In the first week he told me he chose development cause he can earn much money but never programmed before
At that point I already thought this won’t work
How, about 6 weeks later, he still asks me so dumb questions
He told me for example he needs to print an array and when I looked to the code the „array“ was just an integer and he did not understood the difference
Later that day my boss wants to check the progress of him and for the last few days there was just nothing and he needed to explain him what are variables again for the thousandst time.
In February he must go to school which is part of his apprenticeship but cause he joined our company very late he must catch up the last six months
I am really wondering how that is going to work... and how long it will take for my boss to get rid of him..
He also has absolutely now interest in learning at home after work to finally understand the basics
He just thinks he is so intelligent so he doesn’t need to
And then he complains about not getting „enough“ money -.-
Thank god for noise canceling earbuds6
This one time I aliased a coworkers 'sudo' with 'sl' (sl shows a train running across the screen)
And then I removed him from the sudoers group and sudoers list.
I then magnified his screen 200%
Changed his background to a shitty narwhal.
And then full screened a terminal with the 'sl' train stuck in a while loop.
You can't control c out of the terminal.
He solved the first part really quickly, fixing the full screened terminal and exiting out of it, magnification and the background.
But took him 4 days to find that I had fucked up his sudo. Apparently, he didn't need to use sudo in those 4days. It wasn't until he mentioned it out of the blue.
How did he find out about it? He was running an important script that had sudo in it. When he ran the script a train would pop up and his script would terminate early.
He came to me and cursed me to Satan's anus. He then asked me to fix it, but then changed his mind and said that he'd do it himself. After a while he couldn't figure out what I had done.
I walked him through it. Told him that he had to go to his .bashrc file and remove the alias.
Later he comes back to me and curses me to the 12th circle of hell. He found that he was no longer a sudoer. At this point he gave me access to his computer and told me to reverse everything that I had done.
Added him back into the sudoers group and called it a day.
Lesson to be learned? Don't leave your machine unlocked.20
Lead Dev: Just use jQuery, it'll save us from adding a whole new directive in Angular.
My coworker implemented this date extension for no reason. Also handles back before they changed it. He wrote tests too6
I am afraid describing my weirdest coworker would result in me getting stabbed by him with a Mickey Mouse mug. There is no coworker in the world as weird as him, and he would instantly recognise me if I were to describe him here.
I am afraid of his Mickey Mouse fetish. Actually he is 35+ and used t *gets stabbed with a Mickey Mouse mug*7
A senior developer come to interrupt me.
Senior developer: blah...blah....blah about this concept...... that concept... So, any new things you learn lately that you would like to share?
Me: I am learning back C++
Immediately he stop me and said, "Why did you learn C++? It is obsolete, no one use it anymore"
Me (in my head): But, you just said what I learn. It doesn't matter if its obsolete or not. Infact you are wrong, C++ is not obsolete anytime soon. I was about to share on webassembly.
Senior developer: So, would you like to join me in a short sharing session this afternoon.
Me: No thanks, I am really busy (just want to avoid at any cost)8
$ git push
> current branch is behind
$ git push -f
... 5mins later coworker is asking why his commits have disappeared.6
I am DONE with this woman CONTINUED!
I didn't think I'd have to put another rant about this stupidity at least not this soon but she just keeps on giving!
I have my noise canceling headphones on most of the time and when I want to hear the people around, I just put the right earcup of it to the side of my ear so the music pauses. Today we had a huge disrupt on our services because of a network switch error on the hub. I was also trying to focus on my coding as I didn't wanna do a stupid mistake on the last working day and be sorry about it in the next week.
So this woman sneaks up on me from behind calling my name - meaning she has a question, surprise! -, I say 'yes' moving my head to her side ever so slightly without getting my eyes off of my screen stating subtly that I'm also listening to her while trying to focus on my shit. She starts yelling at me 'look at me!' out of nowhere! I turn my head and ask what the problem is and she asks why I'm not looking at her face! Stupid moron, I might not be too good in understanding your way of communication but you are the one asking so you WILL wait if you'd like to hear answers.
I say I'm working on something and her answer is again 'Why aren't you looking at my face it's going to be quick bla bla did we do this like that?' and I answered I didn't remember because there's no way I'd ever remember without looking further and it was no lie.
This woman clearly has stability issues and everyone else seem to be tolerating it. It's now obvious as I'm not tolerating the nonsense I'll be the one that 'she only has ever had a problem with'.
I was quick to de escalate the situation but now I'm thinking maybe I should've responded in a way that she could understand. I wouldn't ever give a shit about it but this is getting ridiculous.21
Asked my co-worker if he had made a class to use for ftp connections.
He said he had.
This is what I found. FFS @michal78!10
Coworker: There's clearly a bug here, this thing just says OFF and doesn't work!
Me: Well, did you try switching it to ON?
Coworker: OH SHIT that fixed it!3
A coworker broke a project for days because he wrote "Juampi was here" in another person's code as a joke.3
I actively avoided looking at my coworker code because i didnt want to micro manage. God i was so wrong3
When your coworker writes his own selection sort instead of using the built in Arrays.sort()
Efficiency at its finest...
I've of my best friends and coworker told me today that he will leave the company to move to his girlfriend.
Sad but understandable... 😐3
A coworker that is producing incredibly bad code and refuses to learn new stuff was declared "senior developer" by my boss. And me with over 20y experience? I am just a junior.. and have to clean up his mess all the time. I guess it is time to find new job.5
Today’s achievement: my phone didn’t autocorrect ‘fucking’ to ‘ducking’.
Clearly it’s as pissed off as I am about receiving shitty emails from the other team manager in my dept giving me and my team work to do and throwing us under the bus when he does jack shit all day except read BBC news and go on Facebook. On the odd occasion he does actually do work, it’s not good work, it’s riddled with bugs because he’s ‘too senior to need a code peer review’. Such a fucktard...
Oh, and the work he’s asked us to do technically sits in his team so I’ll be firing that straight back at him 😁
I’m all for being a team player and helping each other but I’m going to protect my team over helping someone. The gloves are about to come off....3
My coworker told me today that since my birthday was this week I could take Monday off. I was so stoked before I realized Monday is Memorial Day.
Considering the shit I pull on this coworker and the future shit I will pull on him. I have to say it was fair enough.9
I'm OK with C language, but I refuse to learn Shell. My co-workers who use shell don't talk to anyone and look like zombies. Hell no. I don't even know their names after working 2 months together. Fire me.10
When a coworker thinks that you're friends because they watched The IT Crowd with 1337 subtitles on3
Coworker: I've got an error, can't figure it out...
Me: Send error
Sr. my balls.1
Coworker went on vacation for the first time in forever... I wonder if she'll notice something different 😂😳9
Boss: Can you refactor some of the code [dev who recently quit] wrote? Y'know, improve the readability a little bit.
Me: Sure thing. *opens project*
Project: *has 76 variables named var2 through var78*11
Coworker: We you have to estimate these tasks.
Me (thinking): This task should take one day, but I'll add 4 hours in case something unexpected happens again.
* Estimates 12h
Coworker: Alright, the tasks for this sprint have been selected. Please start to work on them.
Me: * Starts working on certain task
* Sees time available for task
2d 4h (=20h)
* Writes coworker
Dude, that much time is overkill for that task!
Coworker: Yeah, the client said something similar.
Me: Then why did you estimate it that high?
Me: Ok, what am I gonna do with all that extra time? 😑
Around 4 hours in and almost done. What should I do with that extra time?
Task in question: Add a mutually exclusive field to a database table, add it to the form, test it and update the docs.
Enjoy the unrelated, clickbait cat14
Keep going! Everyone started as a novice. You'll manage.
See, you are a successful junior now!
Well, so you eventually reached senior level. Nice!1
“Commit“ sounds like the german “komm mit“(come with me).
NonDev coworker asked me what “Komm mitting“ is1
I recently came across my old interview assignment code which I had written while I was still in college. Oh my God, it was cringy! It was such crappy code 😂
My coworker (who had interviewed me) saw it too. He was surprisingly very chill about it, saying that the code is not bad, it just shows a lack of experience. I think I will choose to believe him 🙃4
So a coworker made a backup script that asynchronously copies the backup to the remote backup space and then deletes the backup:
scp backup.tgz remote: &
Spot the bullshit.2
Me and my friend (let's call him Tom) have done tons of projects before and got some decent knowledge, but we got a dude (Bob) working with us on that final project of Uni and he doesn't know what Git is nor what frameworks are so we chose CodeIgniter ONLY to make it easy for him.
2 month after starting the project and getting like half of the work done (mainly me and Tom) Bob 'kind of' learned PHP, CodeIgniter and Git so he wanted to contribute because the project manager will review all the commits done weekly.
So Bob did some HTML (what now?) and wanted to push it on the repo and even using Gitkraken as opposed to the Git CLI he managed to merge two f*** branches, and when he doesn't mess up the repo he totally ignores the files' structure of the project and makes his own thing.
Worst thing is, when Tom tries (I gave up a long time ago) to teach him something or to give him advice he's all like "Oh okay" "Yeah" "Got it!" but he doesn't understand anything and he won't admit it ! It's like talking to a wall...2
I am sooooo very happy & grateful that my coworker wrote down this comment.. I'd have been lost without it! :/
So my dumbass coworker did it again.
He included 600kb to the initial load of one of our platforms to use ONE FUCKING CSS CLASS!!! Wtf man?3
STOP PUTTING TWO SPACES AFTER PUNCTUATION THIS ISN'T 1900 ANYMORE AND YOU WEREN'T EVEN BORN YET IN THE TIME OF TYPEWRITERS39
Last Friday a coworker asked me what a Singleton is.
He graduated 3 years ago.
I think we have to improve our hiring process.13
JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DONT TOUCH ANYTHING FUCKING IDIOT!
Changes my code while I’m in holidays, deletes the tests that fail and pushes it to master. No backwards compatibility or anything..
Now I can spend a week to revert all his changes because they break lots of stuff and pray that he didn’t mess up the data too much..9
Me: this App is not working ...
... Few minutes later ...
Me: Can someone help me?
Coworker approaches : Are you trying to modify the bundle.js file?
Coworker tells the whole team and they start laughing at me 🤦♂️9
Hey friendly coworker with the same scripting skills as a paraplegic monkey:
Even the boss told you not to lose time on worktime trying to do spaghetti scripts, not enough?
I don’t mind helping your unpaired couples of neurones , but losing 2 days for a forgotten bracket? When it took me like 10 seconds to notice?
And if it wasn’t enough, telling that I saw it quicker thanks to my IDE?
You’re just a mistakenly fertilised ovum4
My coworker complains how the girl who got his old job keeps phoning him asking for help. He stops talking about it only to ask for my help1
When your daily scrum takes an hour because your senior developer co-worker gives unnecessary and incredibly detailed updates...
"Well, first I tried hiding the button, but it wouldn't come up when I needed it to, so then I made an options menu, but the sliding transition was difficult to implement, so then I..."7
Coworker: Now you have "Windows" of opportunity to use Linux.
Me: 😑😒 wipe that smirk off your face.
One of my customers' laptop background (removed sensitive information and desktop icons).
Coworker: When you really love Chrome, but don't know what hi-res is!8
So I am assigned to a new team to take over the leading position because the guy who did it up till now quit. And there is this guy who today seriously shared his screen with my boss and the rest of the team to point out that I formatted something wrong...
Realy it was something like
super.doFunctionA().thenFunctionB() instead of putting it like
He said he wanted to call me out early to avoid spreading of this "wrong formatting"
He wants to start a war? This fuckhead can have it!
Soon I will be the one who writes his tasks... hf8
Ever spend hours debugging and your coworker mutters "... It's probably XYZ" and they are right? 😵1
My coworker "fixed" a bug. Then an issue was reported to me. He refactored something that we both used(And my code was already working right). I asked him about it. He didn't care about it and also was upset about my question. A question that I didn't ask in a "rude" way.. The worst: the refactor only required 30 seconds to do!!!
Please guys if you refactor do it right or don't do it at all. Have a nice day9
Me: Hey, can you help me with that?
* Looks at code *
Ah, you just have to...
* Tries to type *
Uhm, do you the vim plugin?
Me: yeah, is that a problem?
Coworker: Weird flex but it's ok
* tries to type solution *
Uhm, do you also use another keyboard layout?
Me: Yes, I use the US layout (instead of the german layout)
Coworker: I'm done with this, you type
Showed my coworker this. He sat there staring in agony and groaning.
Me: "Is your coworker broken? Fix them in just three easy steps!"
First hour of work today, installing the creators update...
Fortunately I helped a coworker in this time.11
When you're feeling extra 'peechy' debugging coworker's crap.. I mean code..
Bonus: Anyone get's the reference?? Might have spelled it wrong.. But fuckit! I no longer care.. :\3
The joys of Drupal.
Coworker: i can't hide this option from this select. it's been created programmatically by another module.
Me: doesn't that mean you defined it somewhere?
C: nope, the module does it with the whole taxonomy
M: can't you interact with it somehow,
C: i don't know
M: you don't know?
C: it's a module by the community, i don't understand it
M: *what the fuck.* ...fine. can you hide it with some js for now?
C: i tried no. they get loaded at different times from different behaviours.
M: then... what?
C: i don't know, i've been searching drupal.org for the whole morning to no avail.
M: *god. damn.* Create the select with something else, then? maybe by raw php?
C: that's bullshit! you don't create elements lile that in 2018! no one writes php or html anymore, unless he"s retarded!
Bloody hell. I'm not covering for this. My part is done (in rails) and i'll deliver it this afternoon. Not for this kind of delay.
My new coworker: That "I know everything about all and I'm better than you" kind. Is working on Accounting but already has her fingers on my work, telling my boss things like "that's easy to do"...
Of course, she knows absolutely nothing about programming and I.T., but is easy for my boss to believe an easy lie than a complex truth.
(sorry, crude language and caps follows)
Hey, listen you fucking excuse of person, DO YOUR FUCKING JOB and stay away of my DAMN GOOD FUCKING CODE and my FUCKING SERVERS.
Not going to give you admin access in a gazillion years, even if my life depends on it.
And stop saying nonsenses about things that you WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND, because those things are too complex and abstract for your little stupid mind to understand.
Go ahead, mess with me! Will sue you to the end of your FUCKING world!
This is absolutely therapeutical.4
When a co working waves his hand at you every 5 minutes to get your attention and you have your headphones in and try to not see the waves because you know it's just going to be you coding his function for them2
TL;DR The prodigal son returns.
A long time ago my partner in crime left the company. So I was a "one man army", until management gave me 2 newbies to train. We'll call them X and Y.
X was new to the company, while Y was moved from a different area. During the time I was training them I realized which of the two had potential, or at least was paying attention.
Some more time passed and X was showing signs of being a good candidate to join the team. Y, on the other hand, well there were stories from his previous team. Not good.
Guess who was added to my team. It wouldn't be a rant if it was the capable one. Y was added to my team, while X was sent to a completely different area.
Time passed and I suffered many misfortunes. But this week, I saw him sitting next to my desk, X is back. I'll probably have to get him up to speed, but my little prodigy is back!
Its so frustrating when your co-worker whines about project issues in the washroom :|
Let me fuckin pee first motherfu... :/2
Like any frontend dev working in an organisation, all of what I do are "designed" by an UX/UI designer. Now he fucking has a problem with me and has been going around saying he's gonna resign because of me. (Apparently he said that while walking away from where I was with the intention of it falling in my ears but I was oblivious to it).
On enquiring (to another colleague)why he has a problem with me he said I don't respect him. Perplexed(more curious), I asked what is it that I do to disrespect him and what I found out was out of the world.
I DISRESPECT HIM BY ASKING HIM QUESTIONS ABOUT THE WORK HE DOES.
Awesome, right? Not only does he consider that disrespect but he also takes it personally. WTH?! I'm not supposed to ask why you do a certain things?
Some of my questions -
1. Why are there font sizes of 13px, 14px, 15px right next to each other?
2. Why is there a gap between the sidebar and the content?
3. Why aren't even sizes being used?
So much for maturity. He's completely ignoring me, be it on the floor or during meetings. I couldn't care less. It wouldn't take me much to tell him where he's fucking up. The only reason I asked him questions was to understand things better; maybe I don't understand what I find wrong.
But now ~(˘▾˘)~4
Freelancer/coworker: "Why don't you just use source tree instead of git in the command line?"... me: *face palm*3
Anyone else change their avatar almost daily? It feels dirty to wear the same thing everyday I think I'd start to stink...
Sorry, is TL, but humbly think is worth to read.
Coworker: Hey, our mail is being redirected to our client's spam folder. What did you do?
Me: Sorry, but I have no control over that.
Boss: I happened to me also. Something is wrong with our mail server.
Me: I'll check, but this is really out of my control.
Rushed to my station... domain blacklist check...Fuuuuuuuu! We been blacklisted! What in the fucking damn hell happened?????!!!
Mail server log check....Mmmm...WTF is this shit?
Devilish grin in my face....muahahahaaa! Your ass is MINE!
So, my "I know everything" new coworker ( https://www.devrant.io/rants/193238 ) used his account to send over 6300 messages a couple of times over a period of 4 hours. By our boss request we have no limit on our servers...
Gotcha! I'm going to get your ass fired!
(BTW: The pic is Gotcha the Cockatoo)4
TL;DR: don’t call me while I’m in vacation.
My first fucking day off -Monday, 8 am, sleeping like there was no tomorrow.
My coworker calls me twice to take care of a support ticket (I’m not even in support) because in our fucking Swiss company there’s no fucking German speaker. Plus the client spoke perfectly English.
Fuck you, you even had the courage to tell me I didn’t make any ticket in our system, when I already made An email to the lead of support explaining what you had to do.
So I spent half an hour calling Germany, do you pay my fucking phone bill? Nope. Plus it ended up being a problem for the NOC.
Sorry for all the fucks, but sometimes they’re necessary.5
When your coworker decides to torrent on the work internet and it starts slowing other stuff down.. Have fun ;)3
Coworker: I did not progress much but at least I managed to get rid of all compiler warnings.
Me: That's okay. What were they about?
Coworker: No idea.
Me: How did you get rid of them then??
Coworker: I removed the "Wall" option when I use gcc.
I am a developer at a tech company. The tester in my team refuse to test my work because he feel I don't respect him. He is a fucking idiot, so obviously I don't respect him. I can still do my job just like always, so I told the cretin it doesn't matter if I respect him or not and he doesn't need my respect to do his job.
At the end of the day I couldn't care less about his feelings. I just hope my boss doesn't fire me when he finds out.3
You can type your code like an angry bitch as if you are gonna smash the fucking keyboard. I can live with that. But please don't knock on the desk every so often. That's just pointless and annoying.3
Coworker: "I'll just refactor this one messy piece of code and catch up with you later"
Me to another coworker: "We will not see him anytime soon..."
Me and tech coworker opens office front door. Another coworker starts ranting how he accidentally hit som key combo and started some speech synthesis feature in Windows. Me and tech coworker both declared we had never heard of that feature before.
Ten minutes goes by, then muggle coworker comes by asking for help to turn it off. Tech coworker Googles solution in literally 6 seconds on the phone without even stopping the conversation we had going on when muggle interrupted.
How is it that muggles haven't found out that the Internet contains stuff?! And that it's searchable!!
This new guy has a senior position and is 20 years older than me.
Im not a senior because I didn’t study (still have 10y of experience) and i don’t care about the title as Long as the salary is good.
But.. he sucks, he doesn’t know basics, keeps overengineering, I have to explain basic stuff to him over and over again like JOIN in sql, lambda, method references and async threads in java..
He probably makes much more than me and has a higher title..
I feel like nobody notices because I keep helping him to finish his shit.
So my coworker is gonna change computer and for the past two weeks is "annoying" me to install Ubuntu for her...
Look ... I'm a dev just like you... Get your shit together and do it yourself or wait.
So Wednesday I gave her the task to backup her shit because I'm gonna do it today... Guess what she told me? That I'm better at it and if I could do do for her...
Sure.. Yeah... Gonna rsync your /home/user folder to the new machine and fuck you if you loose anything, that's not my fucking job you useless piece of shit.2
Today I had a problem with a JS framework. The only person who was available who could help me was the one I avoid, because he always knows everything better.
Well, after I asked if he had time for me, he sits next to me and I started to explain.
After looking around, he started blaming my backend code.
(I belong to the kind of dev that tries to write small and simple code. But I also often use the more complex features of the languages.) He suddenly started accusing everyday things in the backend like inheriting a class or using objects and basic data types together as parameters of a method (WTF???) Hell, all I could say at that moment was that I had a problem with this JS framework and not with the backend that worked well. He probably tried for over an hour to find the bug in the backend and just wouldn't listen, after that he gave up. I wonder what this bitch has learned over the years. Can it really be that he forgot the basics of a programming language? Or has the fool never worked with an inheritance before? I think he's an incapable piece of shit, he hasn't even patched my reported vulnerability in his project in the last half year, which allows to inject own code onto the server.
Because of such fucking morons I get a headache when I think about it. How can it be that he's got a higher degree and earns about 50% more. I should leave this company!3
I work with a designer who provides me with the mockups of the websites we do where I work. We use Figma, which is a tool similar to Sketch. I do design myself and with this tool is quite easy to mockup sites.
This designer is the worst person I've ever met in terms of document organization. He never organizes the layers of the documents, or even cares to assign names to each layer. It's not that hard with simple designs but when it comes to develop a full website it becomes awful.
I've been asking him politely to organice those documents into layers and groups for almost three years to which he never does.
I'm not able to find the proper words to ask again politely and when I do, he just puts the layers without order into a bunch of groups and calls the job done.
How hard is to be a bit emphatic to your coworkers and spend 5 minutes of your time making their life easier?4
Dude, I know you want to improve your scripting skills, and I will spend an hour with you to explain 5 lines if I have to.
But damn, don’t write 25 scripts that call one after the other, mixing PS and Batch (come on, a batch for loop in a .ps1 file...) and then ask me to do it properly after that you fucking raped the console’s butthole.
Why do co workers find it acceptable to eat and type on their keyboard with greasy fingers and then go on to ask for help only to realise that my fingers are wet / greasy seconds later.... eugh1
Usually my workplace is pretty chill, but today something rantworthy happened!
During code review, I found this guy had styled each element inside his components using nth-child selectors. For instance, in a card the heading was styled by nth-child(1), the text was styled by nth-child(2) and so on... No use of actual fucking classnames.
When I pointed this out, he told me it was actually the better way of doing things because classnames increase the size of the HTML document!
He also claimed proudly that nth-child() is more efficient in performance (idk - anybody can confirm this?)
I'm the only "css guy" there so nobody could second my views. Posting it here so that I can show this to him tomorrow by demonstrating what opinion other css devs have on this and prove my concerns / convince him to change his code.7
Hears co-working typing loud repetitive keystrokes. Wants to shout out:
FOR THE LOVE ALL THINGS
HOLY WRITE A SCRIPT!2
Who thinks that noisy mechanical keyboard is a smart idea in an open office?
I think I'll go mad by the end of the month...14
Coworker: Oh, I couldn't find my Excel file, can you help me to find it?
Me: What is your file name?
Coworker: The file created long time ago, I forgot my file name. But I open it yesterday.
Me: Ok, let's check open recent. (It's surprisingly empty)
Coworker: Yeah, I cleared it just before you arrived. I thought clearing the recent item, will show older items.
Me: ...Ok, let's do a search on all Excel items, which drive did you save your file?
Coworker: I don't remember.
Me: (After search) There are 1000 Excel files. You can start from eliminating the items you remember and ultimately you will find your file. That's all I can help.
Coworker: @x$(/"! ?!
There always a forgetful coworker around me that thinks I am a magician.2
I have this coworker who praises himself or being vegan an caring a lot about the world and his health, but smokes and drinks quite a lot. He also is very friendly with everyone but then he privately complains about them with me and goes back to be friendly.
I could ignored this behavior until it started affecting me. Now he is just passive aggressive with everyone, including me. The kind of guy who sends a slightly bitter comment with a wink at the end almost everyday. The kind of guy who will talk to you non-stop like he is your best friend and next morning don't even look at you. The one who will try to teach you some lesson whenever you say something publicly (which he did tons of times and ended up fucking up because he had no idea what he was talking about).
I feel like ignoring him from now on no matter what he says, because he is only waiting for the perfect opportunity to make you feel like a not caring human being so he can keep standing out and controlling everyone. Yes, if you ever try to organize something, he will make sure to criticize you.
So... that's it.2
One developer got a code and had to add new feature so he writes new function in similar way that arleady written one. Pass the code to next guy.
Next guy: why did u write this function like that?
First guy: Coz one was arleady written that way
N: but it was written wrong
F: ...so now 2 are written wrong (no he will not fix it 😂😂)1
That co-dev who WOULDN'T TAKE NOTE at meetings or brainstorming but will keep on asking you for details afterwards. WHAT THE HELL DUDE! i have no problem with you being that lazy, but kindly get out of my face. What a bug.
"In the field of psychology, the Dunning-Kruger effect is a cognitive bias in w/c people with low ability at a task overestimate their ability. It is related to the cognitive bias of illusory superiority and comes from the inability of people to recognize their lack of ability."
Sounds like my coworker to me. If it doesn't work, he blames others. WOW1
Finally got another job!! I have been freed of my shackles of my coworker monkeys and ColdFusion ;D1
I used to work with this Chinese coworker who wished himself 'Good afternoon' in Japanese everytime he ran into a wall when coding. He used to say, "Konnichiwa, Konnichiwa"!
But it's worth mentioning that he was such a good guy to work with!
Coworker; i’m soooo busy please don’t bother me.
Emailbox: full with mails from the coworker that does seem to have time to write all those
I really need to vent. Devrant to the rescue! This is about being undervalued and mind-numbingly stupid tasks.
The story starts about a year ago. We inherited a project from another company. For some months it was "my" project. As our company was small, most projects had a "team" of one person. And while I missed having teammates - I love bouncing ideas around and doing and receiving code reviews! - all was good. Good project, good work, good customer. I'm not a junior anymore, I was managing just fine.
After those months the company hired a new senior software engineer, I guess in his forties. Nice and knowledgeable guy. Boss put him on "my" project and declared him the lead dev. Because seniority and because I was moved to a different project soon afterwards. Stupid office politics, I was actually a bad fit there, but details don't matter. What matters is I finally returned after about 3/4 of a year.
Only to find senior guy calling all the shots. Sure, I was gone, but still... Call with the customer? He does it. Discussion with our boss? Only him. Architecture, design, requirements engineering, any sort of intellectually challenging tasks? He doesn't even ask if we might share the work. We discuss *nothing* and while he agreed to code reviews, we're doing zero. I'm completely out of the loop and he doesn't even seem to consider getting me in.
But what really upsets me are the tasks he prepared for me. As he first described them they sounded somewhat interesting from a technical perspective. However, I found he had described them in such detail that a beginner student would be bored.
A description of the desired behaviour, so far so good. But also how to implement it, down to which classes to create. He even added a list of existing classes to get inspiration or copy code from. Basically no thinking required, only typing.
Well not quite, I did find something I needed to ask. Predictably he was busy. I was able to answer my question myself. He was, as it turns out, designing and implementing something actually interesting. Which he never had talked about with me. Out of the loop. Fuck.
Man, I'm fuming. I realize he's probably just ignorant. But I feel treated like his typing slave. Like he's not interested in my brain, only in my hands. I am *so* fucking close to assigning him the tasks back, and telling him since I wasn't involved in the thinking part, he can have his shitty typing part for himself, too. Fuck, what am I gonna do? I'd prefer some "malicious compliance" move but not coming up with ideas right now.5
A coworker asked me about a specific tool because he "had heard" that I had some experience with it, whether that tool would allow a certain use case, and whether there was some documentation.
Wait, in which project was that? None of mine anyway, hmmm... ah that one, from a few years ago. Who wrote the reports back then? Can you guess?
Fuck you negative bastard! I really hate when someone "predicts" failure to meet the deadline of some project we haven't started yet. This bastard thinks we will fail only because he is a complete mess at coding and fears learning new things.5
I received a computer to work on for work and needed a knife to open the box. That's when my coworker pulled out this nugget of wisdom:
Coworker: My knife has a knife on it.
Me: Really?! Who would've thought?4
Today started off great!
New 5TiB HDD... Check!
Formatted with zfs under LUKS, with a high level.of compression and dedup... Check!
Copying over roughly 4TiB of data, about 2 of which was scattered in small files... Coworker unplugged it from AC thinking it was his (they are sort of similar), when the process was almost complete.
Goddamit. zpool scrub.... 6 hours left. It's 9 pm over here, and I'm not a fan of leaving my stuff at work. Goddammit.
...I guess tomorrow is another day.8
When the only other person on your dev team is an arrogant, miserable piece of shit that you despise but have to pretend to get along with so you can get a paycheck3
When you sit at your desk peacefully doing nothing and a coworker calls you.
Almost fell off my chair...
coworker : hey can you test this? doc should be up to date.
me : ya, sure. *looks at vague test case* ... what's the jar/doc name?
coworker : oh it's ___
me : ok i found the doc, where's the jar? do you have it?
coworker : oh i'm building it in jenkins now
coworker : ok it builds (link to jenkins)
how did you not know i'd need these things to do what you're asking? >_>2
Spent 2 hours trying get ng-model working with <select> with no success. Then co worker came and changed model from string to object and moon walked back to his seat.5
What should I do if a coworker is always trying to pawn off their work on me? Whenever a bug is found, she'll always try to throw it in my court (via passive-aggressive-reply-all emails) even though its 90% of the time, some shit she wrote. I'd rather not go to my boss, because it feels like whining. But confronting her has been difficult because she works remote, is more senior than me, and there is a slight language barrier. Honestly, I think she pretends to know less English than she does, to ignore my emails...6
I own a start up with two friends of mine - one is great with business, and the other tries to be both a developer and on the business side. I'm fully on development and I find it extremely frustrating to work with him. He copies and pastes code, doesn't understand it, and worse still will never admit it and digs himself in deeper into the hole he's dug. He doesn't code as a hobby and it's purely just assignments in university that he spends any coding time on. I've tried helping him to improve over the past few months, but nothing seems to ever do anything as there's no desire to solve problems - just really dollar signs in his eyes is probably the only reason he's in computer engineering. Recently we got a contract with an organisation to make an extremely simple app for android and iOS as the first stage of their planned development. As I did the most of the work on another project during the summer (while juggling a job with another company as an internship), I asked if he could take this so he can try to improve and equalise work so he does his share. Not only did it take 3 weeks, but it's shoddy as hell and looks like it was done in the space of an hour. In reality it took days for him. It's unbearable! The android code I saw was clearly just copied from various sources and mashed together - there was no planning, no understanding of abstractions, and was legit a giant class or two with extreme amounts of redundancy. Hell, he even asked me for help for trying to implement fragments when I pointed out that making screens with buttons and such will be extremely difficult if he is only passing in strings. Any of you guys experiences something like this before? I'm planning on bailing in the coming weeks once my exams are over with for university as it's becoming unbearable.6
Fixing unit-tests that expects 2017... kills my motivation at first workday this year.... I hate my coworker -..-
Today a co-worker (I am going to call him 'boss') ask to another co-worker (I am goin to call it 'useless piece of shit' or 'ups') to explain to me a new task, becaus boss was to bussy with a new release for a client.
Idk how but ups managed to explain all wrong, like terribly wrong.
Ups: "Dev, all you have to do is fix some queries from local files"
Dev: "Ok, seems legit"
Try the local files, nothing happend
Dev: "weird... ups why this is happening?"
Ups: "I know the same as you, ask boss."
Dev: "boss this."
Boss: "what the actual what? ... this is all wrong. The config file is in mongo, in this IP, we don't use local files anymore. I tell ups to explain this to you so I can atay focused on this other task, but now I lost the double amount of time"
Dev: "oh... sorry, I will fix the remote queries"
I hate ups, every fucking time soneone need something from him this happend or worst...1
Just got upset with a coworker due to not understanding the code written, logic, lack of documentation, comments. Nothing!
Other coworker: But Dave, you added that feature last December. Remember?
Me: So what are we working on today?
When after a drunk night your code is working and yesterday's bugs are all gone.
I'm so lucky that drunken me is my coworker. (:2
Coworker#1: Our client's website is broken, there are 504 errors everywhere, and their customers aren't able to register accounts.
Coworker#2: Our machine that hosts everything won't start up.
How is your Friday going?5
When you have a dev domain, yet your senior developer coworkers still add "Dev" to their app names..
Hey DevRant, I'd like you to meet "Marketing Brandon", his favorite daily activities include:
- asking me when that landing page is going to be ready
- asking how to support a customer on live chat even though he chose to assign the ticket to himself in the first place
- explaining how important social media is
- telling me he's working as fast as he can on some website copy I need and then sitting and composing tweets for 40 minutes
- asking if I can "just real quickly when I get the chance" implement a huge new feature for our users
- announcing to the entire office that he "has to leave early today" because the pet store closes at 5 and his ferret ran out of food yesterday
Does your office have a Marketing Brandon or similar?3
Customer: So I have two emails and I'd like to be able to use them.
Me: Okay, I see you have both Windows Live Mail and Thunderbird...
Customer: Yeah, Thunderbird was the old one we used, we now use the Windows Live Mail, but it's always having problems.
Me: Well, Windows Live Mail isn't supported anymore, so I would recommend moving back to Thunderbird.
Customer: But that would mean I would have to get another email, right?
Me: No... *thinks for a moment* OK, imagine you have a garden hose that is connected to the main line of your house. You with me?
Customer: I guess...
Me: So the connection from your house is your email - or at least the server out on the internet. Now on the other end you have a hose splitter, and it splits off into two other hoses. Still with me?
Me: So on the end of the other two hoses you have two spray nozzles; one for each hose. Now one nozzle is from company A and the other is from company B. Both nozzles share some spray types on the heads, but there are a few heads on A that B doesn't have and vice versa.
Me: Those spray heads are Windows Live Mail and Thunderbird. They receive your mail from the same place, like the water, but they have different features. Does that makes sense?
Customer: I suppose.5
Right now business is kind of slow for my company, so I've been working on Documentation. It's been kind of cool to make the gitlab repo, write the Markdown documents, and then push them to the repo when finished, but it's also hard because it's only me really doing anything...
This place seems great! I learned about it talking to a coworker about rubber ducks.
Loving it so far!2
Co-worker put up a pull-request for his work, with no build file, no readme, no gitignore, and shell scripts for running the app (but not compiling it). O_o
The guy has been using atom editor even though we have license for Intellij for everyone, which .. whatever .. if it works for you...
In our daily stand, people offered to help him add the build files and he was like, "No, I know how to do it, I was just trying to avoid using Gradle until I had to."
It just made me think, "Yea I know you have all these nice screw drivers and hammers, but I'm going to keep using my hands and this stick so I can avoid using tools until I have to."
Me and new guy are working on something. We're both in different countries.
New guy just graduated a couple of months ago. Thinks he's better than us, egoistic, refuses to accept his mistake. Cannot work well in a team and arrogant. Basically a package.
I fucking spent 3 hrs trying to look for a bug in my code, which doesn't exist in the first place. Because he's a lazy fuck and refuses to even accept that he might've made a bug (evident from the fact that his first reaction was to blame me and second reaction was to verify his code)
And he doesn't have the decency to admit that he made a mistake.
What's even more sad is that I've to babysit him cuz he's incompetent.
It's fucking obnoxious.2
My company just hired an older coworker that uses a flip phone 😳
Idk wether to be concerned or scared ..... 😩15
Revenge of the developer.
After our project consultants aren't good at planning projects I started my revenge. They will get soon a heart attack or paranoia...
Every time I need something from them (cause they missed it in the specs) and see them at the end of the floor. I stealth in their room and stand behind their door. When they are sitting, the door is closing mystically and I step to them. The faces are hilarious. That's my way to teach them to write better Specs :)
Found a comment from a coworker in legacy Code starting with: "For those who are brave enough ..." ⚔️🛡️2
Our customer accrues vacation time in January. The retirees will take all of their vacation starting in January and retire when they get back. This year, their ops teams have multiple retirees. Some software we support now runs on abandoned servers.
My coworker had something go seriously wrong in the financial software over Christmas and there is nobody to call to help him access or fix the running application.3
I feel with @gipsydanger
I had to work with snake case columns with a maximum name length of 16 characters. Abbreviations, acronyms and undocumented adfixes. The ORM models were generated with resolved pendants of the column names. There are typos in name resolving and some adfixes were used with different understandings which result in completely wrong field/property names for the ORM. As this ORM class generating process is separated from migrations some people did not care or check on the ORM.
Previous rant https://devrant.com/rants/1461563/1
Nothing feels better than seeing yourself doing better as a self taught web developer compare to some jsackass with a CS degree who talks about what he learnt in school couple years ago. Who cares? You can't do shit at work and I don't even know why you work here if you have no desire to learn new things. If he graduated in late 90s he would still be coding in PHP 3.0.2
Hey you were not here yesterday so we assigned you to do this job that requires this training and is really fun and good for your experience
Says the coworker that was supposed to do it but does not want to do it because he thinks the work takes too much time and doesn't think the training is usefull.
Him: "I'm updating a site and I'm trying to find the REST endpoints you put out to replace the SOAP services"
Me: "Send me a list of endpoints it's using and I'll tell you what the new ones are"
Him: "Here's a list of the endpoints. The ones I've found are in bold"
Me: "Here's the new list."
Him: "Why did you only fill out the ones I'm not using?"
So, FML, he sent me a list of everything in the WSDL and bolded the ones he "found" in his code. And I'm the asshole for getting frustrated that he wasted 30 minutes of my time.
Coworker 1 asked if there was a website where he can learn more about Formstack.
Coworker 2 said no.
Coworker 1 asked him then what about formstack itself? Is their website helpful? Do they have a help section?
Coworker 2: "Well there’s not really a websiiiiiite for help, but their main website has a page for help.”
Coworker 1: “can you send me a link?”
Coworker 2: "no. I mean I can, but I mean they don’t really have a help website, but just help on their website.”
Coworker 1: "WTF!"2
my coworker made a scss-variable for $white. in case white should anywhere soon get a new hex-value3
Me: *tinkering on a webpage that spits out random characters, motivations, themes, and genres for the purpose of short story creation*
Me: Okay, so we have a young girl, with the motivation of The Power of Friendship, the theme of Crime, with the story structure of Dan Harmon, and set in a Fantasy genre.
Coworker: Dan Harmon? Improvise. Wait... A young girl, on a Purge planet who befriends Morty... I mean a young boy from a different universe.
Me: *a minute later* Wait a second, that was an episode of Rick and Morty!!
Coworker: I did that on purpose because you said Dan Harmon.1
I know depression can be at a spike these days, but you know, when the frontend developer is like in hiatus for 2 weeks because of that... And just tells our boss like "hey I'm having serious problems with the frontend code", that's a shitty thing to do, like dude, quit or be honest with our boss so he would know how to handle this batshit1
Time to face the truth.
I'm being moved from one team to another. Which is great.
But the reason I'm being moved is to take over for another dev. So that dev can get a promotion. So basically I'm getting a promotion, without the pay raise.
I can't fight this either.
So I'll take this as an opportunity to get all the experience. Also begin looking around.1
I always give chance to my coworkers to proceed for new projects, to know how not to fail!
And then I do it efficiently.
Speaking with my former coworker about networking:
Me: Coaxial uses the Ethernet layer two protocol.
Coworker: No? Coax uses the RADIUS layer two protocol.
And this guy was my "superior."
Part 3 of : Tales of the coworker that fucks with my scripting
I got angry. He finally gave me the whole thing he wants to do, and wrote me the working process, and I was finally happy.
I’m working on his stuff and ask him to come check something when he’s there : « oh I changed this and that but I don’t get why it’s wrong »
You useless keyboard without space bar, you know that if you charge your time overlapping my work you’re in the shit, plus you’re doing it wrong. You want to learn? Fine, either don’t ask me to do your stuff, or let’s check this outside work time, I’ll be glad to teach you. But stop losing your and my time for Christ’s sake.
I will get this shit done in 20 Minutes if you stop interrupting my fucking work and I’ve put comments, you will be able to check them so you will understand what the fuck you’re doing wrong.
There is no fucking holy grail of programming. It's better to use the right tools for each task instead of wasting hours to make the wrong tool do a horrible job. But noooooo. Even since this co-worker got here, he bragged how good Drupal 7 is for everything, and he never even ised it once before! Now we have 2 fucking projects beyond schedule and a new one coming ing, each of which tries to use a fucking CMS as if it was a fucking framework. Fucking idiots who believe setting a couple of options via gui to generate random code means programming. Fucking bosses who believe using 3rd party community modules and hacking around them to have them do different stuff is better than coding what we need. I fucking gave up and started using raw php to be able to finish this fucking project, but my damn co-worker refuses to. He keeps swearing and punching the desk, saying it's our clients' fault for asking stupid features, and if you dare to mention how it may because we're using a cms like it was a framework, he just goes full bigot about Drupal. Bloody Hell, it would have taken lass than 3 weeks in Rails. I could just headbutt a kitten right now.1
1.Coworker wanting to do small talk
2.coworker hoeing me random things
3.coworker asking stupid questions1
I've never been more annoyed than while a coworker is humming right next to me... for the ENTIRE shift!2
Coworker: "Hey, so I discovered this library that automatically brings up and tears down local containers to perform unit tests on data sources"
Me: "Sounds neat"
Coworker: "Yeah, I've been messing with it locally, and it means we don't need to have the data sources installed on our machines or rely on the ones in the testing environment."
Me: "That's good"
Coworker: "Just a shame I had to roll back our testing framework to a previous version and refactor the code in all our other tests as a result."
Me: "Wait what? *looks at documentation* It says they support the newer framework"
Coworker: "Yeah, but I couldn't get it to work. So I'm just gonna make a PR for it, okay?" *Proceeds to make a PR, approve and merge the code before I can comment further on the changes*
Welp, there goes all my motivation to get anything done for the rest of the day.3
How to react to a coworker using equals() instead of equalsIgnoreCase() for checking case insensitive strings?19
So, my coworker hibernates his laptop, connects phone to USB and wonder why the phone won't charge...6
Coworker 1 starts project
Coworker 2 inherits same project
*repeat 3 more times*
Coworker n has no idea what this spaghetti code is and what it does since everyone has done quick fixes as per management requirements.
This is how the company where i work functions. And with all these projects going from one dev to the other i can tell you its a real shitshow and a lot if frustration 😤2
that coworker playing nordic music on spotify without headphones so everyone can "concentrate"... (his own words...)5
Inspired by this rant : https://devrant.com/rants/1396576/...3
My team builds robots and we're trying to use an IMU for orientation. Asked one of the members to find our spare one because the one in the robot was apparently throwing errors.
Him: "Oh hey I couldn't find it"
Me: "did you look in all the boxes?"
Him: "ya dude I looked in all our boxes, even the box we never use"
Me: "shoot ok I guess we lost one, I'll order another one soon"
*1 day passes*
Me: goes to our main box to get a keyboard out
Me: opens the box, IMU is sitting right on top
Me: pulls out the keyboard, sees ANOTHER IMU sitting in the box
Me: "hey coworker, you said you looked in all the boxes, right?"
Him: "yeah dude no clue where it is."
Me: "it's sitting right on top. Plus there's another one in here"
Him: "oh lol that's weird"
That's all you have to say for yourself? That's weird?! DUDE NOT ONLY WAS IT SITTING RIGHT ON TOP OF THE BOX, THERE WE'RE *2* OF THEM IN THERE, IN THE MAIN BOX WE USE
the sad part is that's not even the worst part of the story... That part to follow soon ;)1
When your coworker is so slow that your boss wants you to fix the coworker's bugs. Even though said coworker has nothing better to do, wrote the code and probably knows exactly where the issue is.
PM: there’s a bug could you investigate and fix this?
CW: is this correct? *shows a totally different solution to what he was asked to* *naming a variable “fn”*
Me: but that’s not what you’re asked to do. You know it’s possible to do that right (the supposedly solution)
Cw: but that would have longer code
Me: (what?) 🙃
Wtf do you mean longer code?
Cw: shorter code > spec
Cw: shorter code > readability
When your neanderthal coworkers use chrome's 'Copy Selector' option to hook into other widgets..
$('body > div:nth-child(34) > div > ul > li:nth-child(3) > a > span:nth-child(2)').click()2
Just started rewatching Jurassic Park for the millionth time and can you imagine working with someone like Dennis Nedry? The messy workspace, spaghetti code, the only one with knowledge of completely obscure and complex code....hits a bit too close home1
My ex colleague in my previous company wrote a big rant about me.
As per his claim that i was hired in the development and research department
But personally during 3 months and a half and i never received a single task to do. So i took the decision to leave this company and search for a better career. Until now they never did a single project it's all internal.
As well after getting hired again i had just published 2 android applications for now and am working on my first IOS mobile app
20 min until the showing of our finals project and the only guy who has all the code refuses to make a build that we can try out beforehand. Ah ffs. Had to go to the bathroom cause I feel ill and need a breather.3
Not following the front end "standards" of the company I work for ( Sass variables, Methods, CSS frameworks, mixins, etc.) even though we had a meeting talking about following standards to improve the workflow a day before.2
coworker: "Did you see my code review?"
me: "Yeah, I haven't gotten to it yet, I'm sorry."
coworker starts sobbing.
me: questioning existence.
Customer (to me): I was talking to [my coworker] and he said to [generic fix]. I just wanted to let him know it worked!
Me: I'm glad to hear that--I'll be sure to let him know!
Me (to coworker): That person said your fix worked.
Him (an atheist): Thank Jesus... thank Zombie Jesus!
Me: More like "thank Barry Benson."
Coworker: Who is Barry Benson?
Me: *Googles Barry Benson to show him*
We both cracked up for like a full minute.
Don't ask me to go to your desk or wherever you are just to tell me some bullshit you could write over chat. Specially not when I'm wearing my headphones.
We have a BA on my team who isn't technical (which isn't a problem by itself), doesn't know the product, barely understands the agile process and our project management tools, and is generally rude to most people on the project.
She spends most of the day on her phone and occasionally badgering people with inane questions that she could answer if she spent any effort at all.
I don't know who's keeping her employed or why.5
Made commit changes on a Friday afternoon. Coworker makes changes over labor day weekend and things aren't in place. I'm just annoyed by the need to chase these bugs down, not so much my coworker. Fuckin hell.
At work today I was told that a guy from some other area knew how to get me credentials to access a particular system I had some stuff to do. So I approached this guy later in the afternoon saying that someone had told me that he knew the stuff and could help me, and then I proceeded explaining my issue to him. Five minutes after my monologue he stared at me, at this point I was very confident I got my point across, and then asked: who gave you my name?
Who cares? Fuuuuuuuck my life 😤😤😤
Started working in this company, contract is for 5 weekz, 1 app, 1 project. Good money, good everything.
First day: "hello, this is your coworker".
THIS GUY CAN'T EVEN DO AN N+1 METHOD.
You set a value to a variable at line 80. At line 237, you set the value again, calculated in the same way, with the same, untouched parameters. The variable isn't used at all anywhere between these two points...
If I have to do maintenance to your .net code, and can tell that not only did you learn on COBOL, but that you're a bad COBOL programer, Fuck You!2
coworker: "Hey lets use Google Hangouts instead of Zoom!"
me: "But .. Google Hangouts is trash"
coworker: "Let's use it anyway!"
What is best equivalent to Slack? we switched to Rocket chat but UI is terrible, every one gets confused in channels when there is too many threads and replys. I need a free alternative which we can deploy its dedicated instance on our own server. also I prefer open source software with mobile support and better UI/UX than rocker chat.10
In my college project I am stuck with dumbos. I thought because of of experience in industry I would make them learn something. They don't anything other data entry, a lot of which can be automated. And I work the code which involves building APIs and 2 different Android apps. They are 3 and I am one. Till today they never bother to install the dev environment. Today I told them to get their laptops so they could connect to my laptop server and work with it. But no one bothered to get their laptops. All of them were using my one laptop. Can you imagine 3 people sitting on one machine instead of 3. And I have to sit there doing nothing😑. I went out to chill for sometime knowing that I could do nothing useful without my laptop. And when I return I find that instead of adding new entries, these people kept on editing old entries.🤦🏻 I mean how dumb could anyone be. Power of 3 brains. I can handle 0 work done, but this is negative work. I could done it myself by writing some automation script. And these people tell people behind my back to my friends that they do all the work😡. I have reached the limits.2
Developer coworker just said to me that creating Dockerfile for project on which he is working is DevOps's job.
What are your thought on that statement?14
Coworker who ignored a closed door (like everyone does, but all had been warned) for the umpteenth time.
I'm looking for advice...
Has anyone experience with the AWS cloud?
I'm arguing with my future company partner about it. He's totally old school but is responsible for the server stuff... He does the backend for a urgently needed webapp and it takes so long (he still works in his old company the next months).
The frontend (my part) is nearly ready. I could work on the backend fulltime, but I would choose AWS Appsync with offline sync etc. First it would be quick and dirty, because it's really urgent.. he wants to do all super perfect...
How can I handle that? I talked to him many times about that, but he always says it should be done right and takes time. but for me, it's to much time. The webapp is relatively small and the work now already takes about 2 or 3 months..1