500 kbps hotel wifi my ass. I hijacked the smart TV's Ethernet connection and voila: 100mbps

Overheard a phone call of a collegue:

Person on phone (P): okay so how do I upload the code?
Colleague (C): well you could use filezilla for example
P: oh... okay... yeah.... So how does that work?
C: you said earlier that you were going to hire a more technical person, a developer, to develop this wordpress side, maybe he/she could help you out with this?
P: I am that developer.

C: 😶😐

I once brought my Kali Linux laptop to school. (Because normal had dead battery, waiting for shipping)

MFW someone from the IT department is called in to fix teachers projector and he sees I still have the default dragon wallpaper on it.
MFW when recognises it it's Kali.
MFW he calls the police and my laptop gets taken away because 'its dangerous' and I get questioned in school.

The police came back a week later to check my laptop again. 'uhh we gotta check the logs'.

IF I WANTED IT TO BE DANGEROUS YOU'D BE FIXING A LOT MORE THAN JUST THE FUCKING PROJECTOR!

Also, wuddup devrant!

My first dev job was the worst! The woman in charge of the building was always on my ass! She didn't really understand what programming was and didn't like that I smoked in my office... Then I moved out of my mom's house and got my own place

EA always fucks....

Splitting 5 lines of code to 3 functions

Oh my god, PHP is so dead.. Node.js is totally kicking ass by powering 0.6% of the internet!

Agile my ass. Stand ups should not take 40 min.

Who the fuck thought this feature would be a good idea?!

*holds the power button because want to reboot*
*presses reboot in the tiny menu*

*walks away to return in about an hour*

"Are you sure you want to reboot?" *cancel and OK buttons*

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

Two reasons why I love devRant.
1. None of my clients are here so I can say what I want.
2. Everyone gets my geeky ass jokes that usually only I laugh at.

When doing a coding project for lawyers, hire a lawyer. That is all.

Since one of my colleagues had a difficult time saying/spelling the word SpamAssassin, it's now officially (in our office):

Spam Ass Ass In

😏

Thank God for git

I wish my bachelor's degree would've been made out of soft paper so it wouldn't scratch too much when I wipe my ass with it :(

Out at my partner's 21st, going to pop the question as soon as a couple people leave and I can feel my heart trying to make its way out of my ass...

Wish me luck devs!

Had to explain a developer from a wordpress dev agency where to find the wp-config.php file and what it does/what the values do.

This person has been doing this for years.

I looked at this config file for nearly the first time in my life.

I literally had to explain her which variables stood for/did/meant what.

I am fucking done with today.

ANDDDDDD the award for most useful graph goes TO…

I named my hard drive "dat ass," so once a month my computer asks if I want to "back dat ass up".

Thank you random guy for your comment on a random github project. You saved my ass.

Had to enter the Apple world when joining the new job.

Used a good hour locating curly brackets, pipe and tilde on that cryptic keyboard.

User-friendly my ass.

I really, honestly, am getting annoyed when someone tells me that "Linux is user-friendly". Some people seem to think that because they themselves can install Linux, that anyone can, and because I still use Windows I'm some sort of a noob.

So let me tell you why I don't use Linux: because it never actually "just works". I have tried, at the very least two dozen times, to install one distro or another on a machine that I owned. Never, not even once, not even *close*, has it installed and worked without failing on some part of my hardware.

My last experience was with Ubuntu 17.04, supposed to have great hardware and software support. I have a popular Dell Alienware machine with extremely common hardware (please don't hate me, I had a great deal through work with an interest-free loan to buy it!), and I thought for just one moment that maybe Ubuntu had reached the point where it just, y'know, fucking worked when installing it... but no. Not a chance.

It started with my monitors. My secondary monitor that worked fine on Windows and never once failed to display anything, simply didn't work. It wasn't detected, it didn't turn on, it just failed. After hours of toiling with bash commands and fucking around in x conf files, I finally figured out that for some reason, it didn't like my two IDENTICAL monitors on IDENTICAL cables on the SAME video card. I fixed it by using a DVI to HDMI adapter....

Then was my sound card. It appeared to be detected and working, but it was playing at like 0.01% volume. The system volume was fine, the speaker volume was fine, everything appeared great except I literally had no fucking sound. I tried everything from using the front output to checking if it was going to my display through HDMI to "switching the audio sublayer from alsa to whatever the hell other thing exists" but nothing worked. I gave up.

My mouse? Hell. It's a Corsair Gaming mouse, nothing fancy, it only has a couple extra buttons - none of those worked, not even the goddamn scrollwheel. I didn't expect the *lights* to work, but the "back" and "Forward" buttons? COME ON. After an hour, I just gave up.

My media keyboard that's like 15 years old and is of IBM brand obviously wasn't recognized. Didn't even bother with that one.

Of my 3 different network adapters (2 connectors, one wifi), only one physical card was detected. Bluetooth didn't work. At this point I was so tired of finding things that didn't work that I tried something else.

My work VPN... holy shit have you ever tried configuring a corporate VPN on Linux? Goddamn. On windows it's "next next next finish then enter your username/password" and on Linux it's "get this specific format TLS certificate from your IT with a private key and put it in this network conf and then run this whatever command to...." yeah no.

And don't get me started on even attempting to play GAMES on this fucking OS. I mean, even installing the graphic drivers? Never in my life have I had to *exit the GUI layer of an OS* to install a graphic driver. That would be like dropping down to MS-DOS on Windows to install Nvidia drivers. Holy shit what the fuck guys. And don't get me started on WINE, I ain't touching this "not an emulator emulator" with a 10-foot pole.

And then, you start reading online for all these problems and it's a mix of "here are 9038245 steps to fix your problem in the terminal" and "fucking noob go back to Windows if you can't deal with it" posts.

It's SO FUCKING FRUSTRATING, I spent a whole day trying to get a BASIC system up and running, where it takes a half-hour AT MOST with any version of Windows. I'm just... done.

I will give Ubuntu one redeeming quality, however. On the Live USB, you can use the `dd` command to mirror a whole drive in a few minutes. And when you're doing fucking around with this piece of shit OS that refuses to do simple things like "playing audio", `dd` will restore Windows right back to where it was as if Ubuntu never existed in the first place.

Thanks, `dd`. I wish you were on Windows. Your OS is the LEAST user friendly thing I've ever had to deal with.

I don't think cyber Monday works the way you think it works...

Me: Hi Guys, theres no docs on our custom push notification / deeplinking implementation. I've tried to work backwards from a QA testing doc to add new links. Can someone tell me if this is all ok? It seems to behave a little weird.

Dev: Looks ok, but we've moved to the braze platform for sending notifications. You'll need to trigger braze notifications now. Test that it works ok with that <confluence-link>

*hour later*

Me: I've tried the debugging tool, both with my payload and one of the samples from the link. It displays on the phone, but tapping it doesn't trigger the deeplinking.

Dev: No it works, try one of these <screenshot of samples I used>

*hour later*

Me: Tried it again on the real device to make sure, as well as on develop and master. Not working with those samples or mine.

Dev: No it does. It comes in here in this library <github link to line of code>

Me: ... Nope, debugged it, it doesn't get passed the next 'if' check on the next line as its missing a key/value. The whole function does nothing.

Dev: Oh do you want to send a braze notification?

Me: ..... you told me I had too .... yes I guess.

Dev: ok for a braze notification it works different, send this <entirely different sample no where on the link>

Me: ...... but ..... this is only for braze notifications ..... why .... all the samples have deeplink url's .... but they don't ....... are you ..... FFS!!!!! !@#?!

(╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

┻━┻ ︵ヽ(`Д´)ﾉ︵ ┻━┻

(ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻

┌П┐(ಠ_ಠ)

Stop fucking deploying to production and testing there !

Team lead my ass 😠

And here I am creeped the fuck out by Google (as always) suggesting me to take photos of the bakery I'm at while having location and WiFi turned off :)

And here we go again.

Found at my university.
I bet it won’t pay anything during the dev phase, and then “fail” and you get nothing.

FFS is pisses me off!
Oh and of cause an nda.

Moved out a few months ago. Love my setup. Dual monitor at desk and a big ass TV + laptop for when I want the couch. Coffee to top it off.

Freezing my ass off in the hopes of building my super user dev house here

Who the fuck told my coworkers I'm their boss when our boss is on vacation?

Wtf, I don't wanna be anyone's boss, no one should want me as such...
I would certainly micromanage the shit out of everyone and make their lives a living hell.

Recovering a legacy Gmail account after receiving a notice of a blocked login.

*Tries to remember the bloody password*
*Actually remembers it*

> Sorry your password isn't enough. Your father's phone number that you used a decade ago can be used for verification though!

Google, let's get this straight. Things have changed. I know the fucking phone number and yes I can enter it, and out of sheer stupidity I did send an authentication code his way. Unfortunately however, things have changed in 10 years. I can instantly kill the fucker on the spot if I were to meet him ever again. Do you think that I'm going to get that fucking code?!

> Oh but you can try to email the code to the very account that you're trying to recover, despite the fact that you know the password for it.

TO THE FUCKING SAME ACCOUNT THAT I'M RECOVERING.

Must've taken a true genius to code that in!!!

My smart watch just reminded me to get my lazy ass out of my chair and move some.
I picked up my coffee cup, drank a sip.
That satisfied it.
Lazyness : 1 - Technology: 0

50 euros just TO BE ABLE TO WIPE MY FUCKING ASS

FUCK YOU, PIECE OF SHIT HOARDERS, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU BUYING SO MUCH TOILET PAPER

Hey i found this crazy ass feature called "Remote Desktop Connection" on my pc. Do they sell the remote at wallmart ?? I want to operate my pc from a remote control 😞

Android, you fucking cunt!

Battery saving, yes it's an important thing. So first you want applications to display a big-ass notification when they're running in the background. Fair enough, it can be hidden away by the user if they want to.

But now there's a big-ass notification and the applications STILL get force closed?!! If I'm browsing Tor and I have Orbot running, don't you think that I might want to KEEP IT RUNNING?!! Or better yet, if I'm connected to my VPN server and the application is actively using the VPNService API, DON'T YOU THINK THAT THAT SHOULDN'T BE CLOSED?!!!

But yeah, ARTIFICIAL FUCKING INTELLIGENCE is doing some leety-ass fucking battery saving. MY FUCKING ASS CAN DO BETTER BATTERY SAVING!!!

Note to self: It's NEVER that simple.

I just want to thank StackOverflow. You saved my ass thousand times :*

Okay so even at my advance 52 years of age, I still pull all nighters to handle emergency remediation projects, and clean up other peoples messes. I don't mind, I'm a geek, I get high on the challenge of fixing shit that is broken all to hell.

But tonight was different. Tonight has me raging.

I am tasked with renovating a website, and building a sister site to that main site as well. no bother, I haven't done any web dev in 15 years but I'll power through pulling 18 to 20 hours a day for a couple of weeks to get in the groove...

Little did I know... CSS is a pain in the ass to be sure, but FLEXBOX is total and complete bullshit.

I don't give to shits about all the fancy shit it can do, it can't do simple shit worth a damn. Fuck Flexbox, and anyone involved in producing that useless layout model.

The sheer number of idiots promoting that hunk of shit a solution that is to be applied to any task other than wiping my ass is astounding.

Fuck all you jerk offs out there posting your shitty mark up turds as if they are gold, when you know better than anyone it works, sometimes, then doesn't, and is so easy to break it may as well be called "Web Design Jenga".

I'm still tired as hell, and tomorrow I will go back to slogging through CSS as the layout method, but at least I feel a little better now.

Oh and before I forget FUCK YOU FLEXBOX you piece of shit.

So some ass**** stole the battery of my scooter over night and I got too late to work and missed an important meeting. Nice. Thanks for nothing?

It should be fucking illegal to get such ads on a fitness app c'mon, my fat ass tryna lose some weight here

My dumb ass just tried to skip forward a few seconds of an online class!

Architect of this building is so stupid. The toilet lights are triggered by movement. But they are not hanging in the toilet itself. Im wiping my ass with my flashlight on now…

I don't know why but my idiot cousin decided to rub his ass on my laptop now my screen has shit on it.Pray For His Life🙏

Mood:
- Currently coughing my lungs out, I'm not working tomorrow to keep my colleagues safe
- Cat is purring on my shoulder
- Listening to some dope ass synthwave
- Updating the JetBrains IDEs so that I can work on something to busy my mind
- It's 3:45 AM.

Me: Hey Guys we've been working on this application(project 1) for 4 months and i think we're almost done.

Owner of Company(Not My Boss): CooCook4Choo we moving you to project 2, forget about the previous one.

2 months go by, project is completed.

Boss: I've got another project for you
Me: Awesome!

1 month later...

PM: We're moving you back to project 1
Me: Why?
PM: Our senior dev resigned, we only have junior Devs and we need a lot of help before deployment next month.
Me: Why am i moving back to a project i was taken off of
PM: Where an agile company and you will be moved off many projects
Me: **Fuuuuuuuuuuck!!!* Ok i'll need documentation of everything that happened in the past three months, the current issue, what the current sprint revolves around and A demo of what has been added.
PM: Relax, I've got a lot of work myself, you will get them soon.

2 days later, still don't have what i need, PM is on vacation.

Me: Guess i don't have any work to do.

Fuck all these CSS frameworks using Jquery as their dependency. Cross-browser my ass.

I am going full flexbox.

Who the fuck doesn't use responsive design. Oh yeah my Job. Thank God I quit Friday. Fuck this old ass dirt company

- Sent from my iPhone

You know what? I'm gonna take that iPhone, smear it with my dog's shit, stick it down your throat, beat you up until you shit it out and then stick it right back into you ass!

One of my former client has refused to pay the remaining balance. I dedicate this to that ass(donkey)hole.

Dear Apple, fuck you for the iPad pro, it is probably the hardest device to do web design in mind.

It is at that point where it's screen is technically declared laptop size but just too big for being declared tablet...

Fuck you...

There's a developer hired solely to write an application to replace millions of dollar third-party subscription somewhere in the universe.

holy fucking hell, who’s dumb ass idea was it to make Visual Studio require a god damn fucking update for the installer before I can uninstall it, you stupid ass dumb fucks MS, I didn’t just tell you uninstall it so you can go burn more data down my shitty copper pipes.

Whenever I'm trying new tech at work I don't keep interrupting people ta help me with error messages because ITS A FUCKING NEW TECH AND NO ONE WORKS WITH THAT SHIT!

WHY THE FUCK YOU KEEP ASKING ME FOR HELP WITH YOUR FUCKED UP NODE SHIT AFTER I TOLD YOU THAT I DON'T LIKE IT? STOP IT!

I LOVE GIT(HUB)!

this time it really saved my ass.

He fails at managing his time and can't finish his tasks in work days ... suggests to work on the weekend and drags the whole team with him.

Sorry mate, but I ain't fucking working on weekend !

Team lead my ass 😡😡

You call that code?
Let me print it and wipe my ass with it, because that’s all it’s good for.

I got two lines of code done today, and they were just changing numeric defines. Time to do that: 2 seconds.

Time for analysing the measurement data of various runs in order to know which numbers will work out: the rest of the day.

I'll just leave this here...

This fucking call is still going, and this asshat who should know how to do SIMPLE FUCKING COMMANDS LIKE MV AND CP is having a hell of a time and I'm about ready to throw my arm at him because I ok hurt like hell and hopefully knock some sense into his brain.

Laughed my ass off 😄😅

If some yampy bloke ask me bout the origin of my username again imma shove a can of ice cold monster™ energy drink up em ass (: Is it hard to look it up?? (Dont look it up tho, it porn)

So it a funky ass breakbeat/chiptune kinda album. Sod off.

I just bought an amazing Bluetooth headphone but I'm really FUCKING PISSED because when its charging the led flashes green and when it is charged it flashes some fucking other tone of green and as someone who has daltonism it makes me really fucking frustrated because I can't say tell the difference even if my life depended on it... PLEASE DONT BE THE STUPID CUNT THAT DESIGNS SHIT LIKE THAT! JUST MAKE IT NON COLOR DEPENDANT FOR FUCK SAKE!

Thanks.

Buy a macbook they said, it will be stable they said.

Stable my ass !

What is this, what the fuck is this shit?!!
Are you actually serious Google? Android Studio my ass...
The compat joke is a good one...

Stop ending rants with "Welcome to my TED talk."

All it does is make me want to stick my fist in your ass.

Welcome to my TED talk.

Had nothing to do today, so I thought I´ll test the migration of SVN to Git in Gitlab.

Boss sent me a mail today, that when I migrate we need to preserve the history, so I actually have to put some effort in it. *sigh*

Shout-out to the Gitlab documentation at this point.
That´s probably the best doc I´v ever read...

Well so I tried to use svn2git. And well...
Who the fuck thought that this piece of shit software is in any way usable?
Holy crap!
If it fails, it just does so without any info why. Even in verbose mode.
And the RAM usage? What the actual fuck?
This whole thing is a complete memory leak!
32Gigs of RAM full in Minutes and the whole system starts to stall!
And then when I thought it finally runs through.
Bam another git checkout error...

Googling for that error then I found something. A version of svn2git made in .Net Core.
Didn´t expect much but I tried it anyways.
And would you look at that!
It ran so smooth and didn´t need that much RAM , I had some doubt it did work correctly.
But it did!

I think I´m gonna pay a coffee or two to some guy over in China now!

Today,

My "big boss" call me because I take too much time to develop a website. She thinks all I need to do is drag n drop. Why the f*ck do you need to hire me if it's only drag n drop you "super smart ass licker"? Man, this old people need some update about technology.

Btw, the "drag n drop" idea came from Dreamweaver YouTube tutorial.

Hey docker

Eat my ass

So yeah, I’m at the “Fuck this shit let’s go on a random ass solo motorcycle trip this weekend” stage of my programming career.

I am going to code my ass off tonight!

A random person on Zuckerbook.

Edit: The question was an open source alternative for Android.

I hate hearing people say that it shouldn't take you that long. As if they know how long it takes to do your job.

Easy fix or change my ass!

I HATE THE OPEN OFFICE LAYOUT I HATE THE OPEN OFFICE LAYOUT I HATE THE OPEN OFFICE LAYOUT I HATE THE OPEN OFFICE LAYOUT

Got this in my mail, so I placed a bid to deliver for $10 in 24 hours. Wish I could insert a smaller amount.

Motherfuckin fuckidy duck fuck!

I am so done with Azure for today!

After I ran out of space on a secondary drive I shut the VM down and increased said drive and now after starting it (which takes way too long already) I can't ssh into it: "Connection refused". Diagnostics say "everything is fine bruh" and now I'm stuck with an inaccessible VM which I already spent half the night on configuring and downloading 60gb of sources.. aaargh!

Hate when my boss says, "hey you, over there, can please automate this stuff, is a pain in the ass..."

Async/await my ass!

Eclipse is in my opinion one of the worst IDE's EVER!!!!11!
It's slow, starting takes like forever and debugging is a real pain in the ass!

I really miss Visual Studio :(

Burnout signs:
1) laying in bed all day
2) watching old natgeo documentaries
3) ordering a dildo for my loud ass neighbours

My 10 years experienced Boss is learning about Git NOW !!
And he pretend to know everything already and put his ass on every task.

I laughed my ass off.

"Let's quickly make sure that the docker container can access a host database"

I guess I can put that quickly up my ass.

How motherfucking difficult can this be?!

I am always looking forward to the weekend to have some time to work on my side projects, and then I can't get my ass up to do it.

There's nothing like cleaning out a cupboard of stuff you have long since moved on from only to find this hidden in the corner.

I once had a Mac, it's still a piece of shit and I'm not convinced Apple ever made life easier to use one of these 😅

Yay, my raspberry pi and it's projects are now on php7

Damn, Apache was the real pain in the ass with this migration, # ae2enmod php7.2 apparently is for it to decide if it will respect my sudo'n decisions😂

Considering their habit of asking things with deadline 1 inch away from their ass, I have come to a conclusion that "majority of my clients are fans of anal love".

This weekly rant topic is a real pain in the ass for my OCD.
Holy fuck, people can be that lazy?

I've been working my ass off making websites finally made money and my brother goes and spends it all on more computers 😔

Fuck my life! For my studies at University it is required that I learn how to code... Over the past month I've been learning java, and yesterday a friend of mine has introduced me to Go. Now all I want to do is learn Go, meanwhile our Prof pushes us to learn switch-case and goto...

I called it "Microsoft S.Q.L" but Bobby argued it's Sequel not S.Q.L then I asked Bobby "PostgreSQL" and also he said "Postgre Sequel". Hehe sequel my ass then cus I'm sticking with my abbreviation.

i miss coding, mainly because my handwritting sucks ass big time

I'm starting to hate 2020. Back pain because of muscle strain, ongoing middle ear inflammation, and now a tooth crown has broken off. Fuck this shit.

dev "no no no, you're overengineering it. You just need one class for that"
Me "but ... Those are different object that share a common interface. The internal logic is not the same, only their output is. You know ... That's the purpose of interfaces"
Him "no no, as i said, you don't need that. Listen, you can put ALL the fields and methods in a single class and then you can use a switch with different cases .."

just remembered watching a video where a little shit wannabe programmer was interviewed by another shit wannabe it professional "hacker" and the first shit claimed he designed a new language that is better with a compiler 10 times faster and better than gcc when he demonstrated his language it was nothing but a header file with couple of define statements for different C function.
and this dude was in the news and was glorified by people and shit
#justturdworldstuff

I'm glad i left "my" country

you motherfucking cocksucking ass wipes.

How fucking hard is it for you JS cockheads to have STABLE fucking code?

So hear I am, thinking through a side project for data extraction and loading to automate some shitty part of my job, that could be used by the broader team... and decide to use electron.... I know it's a clusterfuck, but this wouldn't be a big application, so against my better judgement I run:

npm install electron
npm start
...
Error: unknown spawn

🤷‍♂️ you had 1 fucking job... 1 fucking lousy shit stain of a job, and you can't even have something run out of the god foresaken box without someone debugging your shit.

Now who has a WORKING alternative to electron?

My boss has been begging me migrate a nightmarish complex excel report he made to calculate the payout of a tiered rebates program with compounding rewards. Today I finally decided to make take the time and I sat down with him so he could break it down for me...

Me: *looking at the mess of formula's* it would be easier to rewrite the math than decode this - can you just give me the reward rules... where does that value in cellX come from?

Him:*pointing at the spreadsheet* There! All the rules are in there for you :-)... like it's some big favour...

Me:No I mean when you wrote this, what did you base this off? There must be something...

Him: *Very Gravely* No, no, no it's far to complex! It took me ages to get this sheet right and it balances so just trust me and use it ok?

At this point I will mention he's an accountant so yeah I fucking trust him... fast forward past 15 minutes of digging through what may as well be quantum theory and lo and fucking behold all 2 sheets and 100 calculations are mathematically fucking pointless. Aside from formulas like this:
$X10=+(((O10+P10)-((O10+P10)*$X$3))*$R$4)+T10
which is actually equal to (X10/R4)/L10.

Anyway once you compound and sum the "tiered" benefits the rewards payout is ALWAYS = customerSpend*1.81.

This is why programmers name variables.

My imperative dumb ass me trying to code in ocaml:
👁👄👁

MOTHERFUCKING PROGUARD with all your fucking flags

-keep my ass
-dontwarn my balls
-dontshrink my asshole

FUCK YOU for all the hours I have to spend figuring out how to make you happy whenever I update guava or any other damn library GO FUCK YOURSELF

:)

You know a shitty recruiter when he/she offers you a job because 'I analyzed your github profile and noticed your extensive expertise in PHP', although all you did was cloning an extremly large PHP project and made one commit over thousands of lines of code which you simply generated through a fully automated php5 to php7 converter.

Disclaimer: never wrote a line of PHP before.

My personal resume website. Damn my lazy ass, can't do anything. 😥

if that site if malware free, then my ass is purple and none of my code needs to be refactored.

I dont think my hardware carrer will go far if I keep producing this shit. I'm laughing my ass of tho xD

"Our code is self-documenting, we dont need comments" my fucking ass hole.

If I were the world dictator I would forbid JavaScript in web pages for a month, to teach shitty web developers a lesson.

Is it normal that to submit a form I have to use the developer console!? For fuck sake, I don't give a shit about your fancy scripts that only god knows what they're supposed to do. A simple <form> with an <input type="submit"> would do the job, holy fuck!

I'm so tired of those fucking broken scripts. Don't write JavaScript if you suck at it!

Two months of meaningless meetings and calls to assess "requirements" and three months worth of actual development work crammed into 3 weeks. Fuck this corporate bs. Agile my ass.

The colleagues who do testing in my department collectively call their assert function 'ass()'

There’s so much we can learn from Gordon Ramsay..
I wish I could swear & insult like he can..

Woman: “who do you think you are? You insulted my friend!”
Gordon: “well if I did then I probably meant it, now get your fat ass back to your table”

“Congratulations, you just got your head out of your own ass. Now piss off”

*Customer wants more spinach*
Gordon: “ ok I’ll make you more spinach *dramatic pause* and push it up your ass”

Or my all time favorite:
“You fucking donkey”

Fuck exposure!
May be you should get some exposure of how things work😒

Tempted to write in this super-scientific paper/glorified report: "our findings show... my ass!" 😂😂😂

Well, thanks for nothing i guess...

Today some random highschool guy who i barely knew tried to convince me to build for him his "billion dollar" social app while he handles the business side. I burnt that crap with eternal holy fire before he even finished that sentence!

Riddle me this

Client wants solution based on open source software.

Any additional software that I write (let's say, an offline store plugin for Feast feature store) to add missing functionality has to be closed source.

Fuck you. Intellectual property my ass. You and me wouldn't even have projects if it werent for OSS.

Good luck maintaining the plugin after I am gone.

I'm doing a lot of work and will have close to nothing to show to future employers.

(BTW, if it were for the old Microsoft model of code source, I would have never become a programmer of any sort. God bless OSS)

"Hey Bobby, can you do XYZ for me? I can do it myself but it's such a pain in the ass"

So why the fuck would I do it if you can do it yourself? Guess what it's a pain in the ass for me too! And it's not even my problem!

This week kicked my ass. I haven't been this happy about a Friday in quite some time.

Work is requiring me to bust my ass, I am salaried, it is writing documentation, and my FUCKING LEFT EARBUD DIED!

Managerspeak: The search bar should follow the scrolling

Devspeak: You're an idiot

C/C++ debugging with VSCode sucks ass.

How do I even debug stuff in forks while still debug my threads?
And yeah please just kill my program away, it's not like there happens some necessary housekeeping at exit or SIGINT. FML.

I just got a message that I've to be in the office twice a week, starting October. I'll have to move my ass to another city now. The whole pandemic just flashed before my eyes.

Me, consulting for a huge entertainment company:
Why do you guys have a 500 line method? And why is half of it so nested that it's indented half way across the screen?

Them: Oh, that was written by the best dev on our team. He holds a PhD.

🙃 so thats what kind of skill a PhD gets you these days?

I: Hi. You are talented. You designed a button bigger than my mom ass, flatter than my girlfriend chest and still almost invisible. What is purpose of this button?
He: Minimalism.
I. One more time...

Daily updates my ass

Tldr: fucked up windows boot sector somehow, saved 4 months worth of bachelor thesis code, never hold back git push for so long!

Holy jesus, I just saved my ass and 4 months of hard work...
I recently cloned one of my SSDs to a bigger one and formatted the smaller one, once I saw it went fine. I then (maybe?) sinned by attaching an internal hdd to the system while powered on and detached, thinking "oh well, I might have just done smth stupid". Restart the system: Windows boot error. FUCK! Only option was to start a recovery usb. Some googling and I figured I had to repair the boot section. Try the boot repair in the provided cmd. Access denied! Shit! Why? Google again and find a fix. Some weird volume renaming and other weird commands. Commands don't work. What is it now? Boot files are not found. What do I do now? At this point I thought about a clean install of Windows. Then I remembered that I hadn't pushed my code changes to GitHub for roughly 4 months. My bachelor thesis code. I started panicking. I couldn't even find the files with the cmd. I panicked even more. I looked again at the tutorials, carefully. Tried out some commands and variations for the partition volumes, since there wasn't much I could do wrong. Suddenly the commands succeeded, but not all of them? I almost lost hope as I seemed to progress not as much as I hoped for. I thought, what the hell, let's restart and see anyway. Worst case I'll have to remember all my code😅🤦.
Who would have thought that exactly this time it would boot up normally?

First thing I immediately did: GIT PUSH --ALL ! Never ever hold back code for so long!
Thanks for reading till the end! 👌😅

My uncle wanted to get rid of this random-ass cable box, but i took it to salvage it.

Then I got curious.

My fucking pixel XL just broke. Fuck me, fuck this and fuck every fucking thing

I hope I'm not stuck with this broke ass piece of shit I used to use.

First off murphy is a bitch. Week started off good, nothing bad happening then friday night came and i get an email about a site being down. Ok check it out real quick, cert is expired. No real big deal just a 20 minute fix, didn't bother me that i didn't get an expiry alert. Now is where murphy decided to be the biggest fucking bucktoothed cocksucker, generate a csr for a wildcard domain using an existing key and sent it off when i get it back the private key doesn't match the cert. Again ok maybe i fucked up, generate a selfsigned cert no fucking problem. Contact support to see if they have an idea. Oh now is when it gets fun, the fucking dumbass preceded to tell me how i didn't know what i was doing and how i just had to generate a csr and private key at the same time after i explained to the bastard that I've already tested it with a selfsigned cert. (How does this fucker have a job) By now apparently i was pissed off enough to scare murphy's pansy ass away cause i told the fucker to refund my money, got a list of 30 subdomains and setup letsencrypt on it. Now the part on this that is fucking hilarious is that it took me damn near 24 hours to be called a fucking idiot from a guy that doesn't know his ass between a hole in the fucking ground and 30 minutes of being pissed off more than i have been since i took anger management classes in the 9th grade to say fuck it and switch.

When Human Teleportation?

Day 1 of learning to build interpreters: finished the scripts for basic mathematic operations and beginnings of functions... Spent 4 fucking hours trying to track down why the compiler is treating an end of file token as an addition token... No luck, going to bed with a headache and half a head of torn out hair...

Found this on the big ass advert screen outside my cinema. The Dino represents my feelings very well to that exact message 😂

I always hated laravel, i was like mehhh you dumb fucks lazy ass write your code, but i gotta admit i changed my mind when i tried it!

Don't freaking urgent request me! Your ass better be literally on fire, otherwise you are wasting my time!

Going through university I was known as the programmer guy, so I sometimes did coding assignments for my lazy ass class mates for money.

Does this make me a bad person?

Shoutout to all my fellow ranters with boring ass non dev related jobs! Working in a shop to get myself through uni sucks

Blizzard coming this weekend. I get to spend the night at work because our disaster recovery plan isn’t in full swing (Yes it’s paid, but I am going to lose my mind). Awesome. Suck my ass, winter.

My ambition is to develop my own game and publish it, then get a better paying job and to rise above my lazy ass nihilistic order-following coworkers.

What is your solution if you are completely out of motivation? I can't get my ass up for anything atm. Feeling like I'm trapped in a hole.

No matter how much I try my boss keeps trying to shove future or unsolicited features on every fucking current sprint as if we weren't delayed already...

Wtf dude? We get paid by delivery, let's just fucking deliver what they expect by each deadline and move on...

I just had to explain a friend of mine, an "engineering" student, how to copy and paste text in MS Word over the phone for half an hour. It's 12:30 in the night and I am frustrated as fuck

Fuck you for asking for my advice and then just disregarding it because it doesn't dovetail with what you were hoping for. You continue to justify your shit code design as "the way it has to be". Bullshit, I just told you other ways to do it. You didn't want to hear it. Open your mind. Learn something new. Be a professional. Your code is ass and you should feel like an ass. Don't ask for my help anymore. Prick.

Fren: yo check this IC out

[blinks]

"Okay, s-"

[suddenly bitch ass contraption squirts milk on my face]

[bitch ass fren runs]

,w, <(motherfucker y u do dis)

why does MS Excel suck such ass on my maxed out 2017 MacBook Pro

Worked my ass off for every single thing, gave everything I had, didn't care about my friends too in some situations
But...
When it came to making someone the head... It wasn't me it someone not even close to me..

My new job? Chew bubblegum and kick ass.

My mind:"simple as"
My keyboard: "simple ass"

My manger: 😲

who tf invented shift work? .-.

my lazy ass is too tired to get up at 3am to work a mind-numbing job...

Deadline approaching. Gotta stop reading in office and slog my ass off for next 6 days. Damn life's a bitch. I made that bitch, a bitch.

Products team just hit me up with random requirements straight out of their ass. They know very well my entire team is wrapped up building a new app. Now I respond with random mêmes. Fuck you.

"Have you seen this new movie? It's really good, it's British English though, but it's subbed."

I laughed my ass off. 😂

My fingers itch to do fun projects.. but coming up with a good idea is a pain in the ass.

Just figured out that while I was on vacation they made a really well thought (not) decision to switch to Firebase despite having 4 fully managed VPS with low usage.

Wanna know what the big deal is?
The only one who looks like knows anything is the fucking intern.

I was trying to understand the thought process and everything revolved around "its real time" argument.

No one knows how the api really works, the benefits of "real time" , and we are using the free plan :)

Yeah... People really do overthink things here...

Trying to troubleshoot this busted ass code for a client. Meanwhile, my wife is in class and my two daughters are blowing chunks.

Staring at devRant isn't fixing anything either. Lol

I haven't had much rant material lately, no smart ass project manager in my life right now.

Just made few changes to few files and committed with

"Temp hacks" as message 🤫

I love calling (or mailing) helpdesk "engineers" about issues. Clearly something that explicitly has been mentioned to not be the issue is the issue, amirite? 🤪

Engineers my ass 😑

Turns out writing shaders for Minecraft is a fucking pain the ass my God.

I literally just deleted all (50+) of my college research files from chrome bookmark folder by accident but after a small research I landed on this article from HTG and by following instructions from there I successfully restore it. Fuck I've never felt so blessed in my fucking life.

When you realize even the good sites with smart programmer people on them are deeply infected with the stupid.

FUCK YOU!!! HOW CANT YOU SEE THAT EVERY TIME I SUGGEST TO SEPARATE OUR FUCKING WORKFLOW WITH FRONT END/BACK END AND TRY TO INTRODUCE AT LEAST SOME MANAGEMENT TO THIS SHIT HOLE ITS MY WAY OF SAYING: look dude, I like it here but fuck you shit face if I have to deal with this fucking CSS bullshit one more time there are going to be delays everywhere ...

Fuck you CSS.

I checked out this new hybrid app that was released by some local senior developers.

Turns out that on my user profile, my user ID is set as the value of a hidden field and changing it to any other user ID and saving the form will update the profile of that user. Including changing the password.

The password reset form also allows me to change the user ID to reset that user's password.

Speaking of passwords, the value of the password field on the profile is my actual password in plain text.

Yes, I said this app was released by a couple of "senior developers". One has over 15 years of experience and the other works at an IT company that builds online banking systems. They appear to have outsourced this side project to some other development team but... Come on. At least take one quick look at the source code before releasing it, why don't you?

I don't even...

shit fuck ass

i can either get the work done or write fucking documentation on my research, choose one

I'm literally laughing my ass off at how Google gave their fat middle finger to Object Oriented programming with Go's Structs, Methods, and Interfaces. F*** you Java and C++! :-P

Fuck all this sites trying to track my ass! I'm ditching the Internet 👀

Na only joking 😂

Am I the only one who's always scared out of my mind that there is gonna be some real hard ass purno blasting through my laptop speakers whenever I open it at work in the morning?

Wasted a day as Shitlock Holmes with the build chain.

It would not reproduce the firmware hexfile that had been checked in. Reverse engineering that along with the mapfile to find out the cause, it was a const string that was guarded by an ifdef from another file that was auto-generated as prebuild step via a script that fetched some version control info.

Or, it would have been if the installation instructions had been correct and someone had described that no spaces in the absolute path name of the project are allowed. Otherwise, that shit just failed silently.

I then had to reverse engineer the intended workflow from the commit history in the version control to figure out that the last dev obviously hadn't quite understood the project specific workflow and how the version control interacts with these build scripts.

At least, I finally did get a matching hexfile.

My-Ass-QL

Been working on a new project for the last couple of weeks. New client with a big name, probably lots of money for the company I work for, plus a nice bonus for myself.

But our technical referent....... Goddammit. PhD in computer science, and he probably. approved our project outline. 3 days in development, the basic features of the applications are there for him to see (yay. Agile.), and guess what? We need to change the user roles hierarchy we had agreed on. Oh, and that shouldn't be treated as extra development, it's obviously a bug! Also, these features he never talked about and never have been in the project? That's also a bug! That thing I couldn't start working on before yesterday because I was still waiting the specs from him? It should've been ready a week ago, it's a bug that it's not there! Also, he notes how he could've developes it within 40 minutes and offered to sens us the code to implement directly in our application, or he may even do so himself.... Ah, I forgot to say, he has no idea on what language we are developing the app. He said he didn't care many times so far.

But the best part? Yesterday he signales an outstanding bug: some data has been changed without anyone interacting. It was a bug! And it was costing them moneeeeey (on a dev server)! Ok, let's dig in, it may really be a bug this time, I did update the code and... Wait, what? Someone actually did update a new file? ...Oh my Anubis. HE did replace the file a few minutes before and tried to make it look like a bug! ..May as well double check. So, 15 minutes later I answer to his e-mail, saying that 4 files have been compromised by a user account with admin privileges (not mentioning I knee it was him)... And 3 minutes later he answered me. It was a message full of anger, saying (oh Lord) it was a bug! If a user can upload a new file, it's the application's fault for not blocking him (except, users ARE supposed to upload files, and admins have been requestes to be able to circumvent any kind of restriction)! Then he added how lucky I was, becausw "the issue resolved itself and the data was back, and we shouldn't waste any more yime.on thos". Let's check the logs again.... It'a true! HE UPLOADED THE ORIGINAL FILES BACK! He... He has no idea that logs do exist? A fucking PhD in computer science? He still believes no one knows it was him....... But... Why did he do that? It couldn't have been a mistake. Was he trying to troll me? Or... Or is he really that dense?

I was laughing my ass of there. But there's more! He actually phones my boss (who knew what had happened) to insult me! And to threaten not dwell on that issue anymore because "it's making them lose money". We were both speechless....

There's no way he's a PhD. Yet it's a legit piece of paper the one he has. Funny thing is, he actually manages to launch a couple of sort-of-nationally-popular webservices, and takes every opportunity to remember us how he built them from scratch and so he know what he's saying... But digging through google, you can easily find how he actually outsurced the development to Chinese companies while he "watched over their work" until he bought the code

Wait... Big ego, a decent amount of money... I'm starting to guess how he got his PhD. I also get why he's a "freelance consultant" and none of the place he worked for ever hired him again (couldn't even cover his own tracks)....

But I can't get his definition of "bug".
If it doesn't work as intended, it's a bug (ok)
If something he never communicated is not implemented, it's a bug (what.)
If development has been slowed because he failed to provide specs, it's a bug (uh?)
If he changes his own mind and wants to change a process, it's a bug it doesn't already work that way (ffs.)
If he doesn't understand or like something, it's a bug (i hopw he dies by sonic diarrhoea)

I'm just glad my boss isn't falling for him... If anything, we have enough info to accuse him of sabotage and delaying my work....

Ah, right. He also didn't get how to publish our application we needes access to the server he wantes us to deploy it on. Also, he doesn't understand why we have acces to the app's database and admin users created on the webapp don't. These are bugs (seriously his own words). Outstanding ones.

Just..... Ffs.

Also, sorry for the typos.

I mean JavaScript is all cool and everything, but without type safety, it becomes gigantic pain in my ass :'(

Is there anybody who feels the same? :(

It took me putting on my glasses to make sure these pixels were real and not just blind ass not seeing shit.

Seinheisser broke

First time I've been out all spring or is it summer 😬 been coding my life away

It's nice outside!

Back to work

I just built a TypeScript microservice and got a heap out of memory fatal error. What the actual fuck? Micro my ass

Fight? I always have cold wars with my fellow developers and mostly with that senior ass who takes all the fucking credits and presentations..

Connect my brain and communicate to any computer telepathically.
Not humans, I don't want human brains.
But computers. Sweet little bad-ass machines.

TIL the ` character is known as the 'grave' character

meanwhile my 🤡 ass has been calling it 'back tick' this whole time...

🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡

Uhhhhh, it's do damn hot today :-P The thermometers are just lying! It says 21° but it feels like ... 51° Hope my ass won't melt down and bind me to the chair.

The Google Play Store sucks my ass with miracle whip. Want to find something useful? Too bad! Paid placement for you!

If I ever permanently move to mac or linux.. windows will be the primary reason.

God, my school's internet sucks ass...

She: My code is like my babyyy.

Me: mv function.py diapers.py

Stupid people.

I've fallen in love with (unit) testing, it just saved my ass from deploying a broken version of my library because of a missing '!'

Trying out React Native on VSCode with react-native-cli because Android Studio is SO.FUCKING.FAT.

for too many dumb reasons I really can't get into right now, LinqPad sure saved my ass today.

Their claim is "Innovation and Digital Marketing". They develop software, websites and apps...

I've just clicked on the slider's CTA for Services... and I've got a PDF!!!

ExpressionChangedAfterContentCheckedError my ass.

I'm regretting writing my API in node.... But GoLang is kinda a pain in the ass too.

agi apocalypse my ass

!rant
So recently I've been getting a bit tired of my countrie's slow and outdated-ass politics combined with the old-ass leadership.
I make an effort to come over as a liberal in public when I'm under people but sometimes..sometimes it's getting a bit hard.

Packet tracer sucks ass.

It's more unstable than my stomach after gas station sushi and drinking a whole bottle of miralax.

Why the fuck is my bad ass computer burning the fuck up

0. A good comfortable chair, one that does not hurt my fat ass and back

1. GPUs, lots of them so that I can train my models faster

2. Patience to endure the stupidity of people

My boss makes me do the work for a different team that keeps claiming they're learning programming but keep taking basic ass tutorials all fucking day.

One terabyte SSD with an 8GB of RAM running on Core i5 and system still lags... Opened task manager and found the culprits but what i cannot figure out is who the true villain is among the two of em. 🤔

Most fun i had was reverse engineering lg tone & talk where my headset would vibrate and talk to me on deployments or when something happened

I can't tell if my team actually thinks I'm a competent dev or just blowing smoke up my ass.

Automate stuff.

I automate whatever I can so that my lazy ass wouldn't forget about it.