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Search - "coffee dev"
Some empty-headed helpdesk girl skipped into our office yesterday afternoon, despite the big scary warning signs glued to the door.
"Hey, when I log in on my phone, the menu is looking weird"
"Uh... look at my beard"
"Just look at this beard!"
"Does this look like a perfectly groomed beard"
"Uh... it's pretty nice I guess"
"You don't have to lie"
She looks puzzled: "OK... maybe it could use a little trimming. Uh... a lot of trimming". "I still like it though" she adds, trying hard to be polite.
"I understand you just started working here. But the beard... the beard should make it clear. See the office opposite to this one?"
"Perfectly groomed ginger beards. It's all stylish shawls and smiles and spinach smoothies. Those people are known as frontend developers, they care about pixels and menus. Now look at my beard. It is dark and wild, it has some gray stress hairs, and if you take a deep breath it smells like dust and cognac mixed with the tears caused by failed deploys. Nothing personal, but I don't give a fuck what a menu looks like on your phone."
She looked around, and noticed the other 2 tired looking guys with unshaven hobo chins. To her credit, she pointed at the woman in the corner: "What about her, she doesn't seem to have a beard"
Yulia, 1.9m long muscled database admin from Ukraine, lets out a heavy sigh. "I do not know you well enough yet to show you where I grow my unkempt graying hairs... . Now get lost divchyna."
Helpdesk girl leaves the scene.
Joanna, machine learning dev, walks in: "I saw a confused blonde lost in the hallway, did you give her the beard speech?"
"Yeah" -- couldn't hold back a giggle -- "haha now she'll come to you"
Joanna: "No I already took care of it"
"She started about some stupid menu, so I just told her to smell my cup". Joanna, functional alcoholic, is holding her 4pm Irish coffee. "I think this living up to our stereotype tactic is working, because the girl laughed and nodded like she understood, and ran off to the design department"
Me: "I do miss shaving though"68
First world problems...
I've been working at this startup as a tech lead for a little over a year, and we've grown from 3 to over 150 employees, and a bit over a million end users.
I've spent tens of thousands on high end displays and chairs for your lazy butts, on external consultants to help and train you, even those fucking dirty recruiters have leeched their shares of the pie. I built an amazing luxury kitchen with a fridge, beer cooler, induction plates and a blender for all your crossfitting bodybuilder meals, but forgot to think of my own needs.
NOW I JUST WANT TO BUY A GOOD COFFEEMAKER AND ALL THESE FUCKING TEASLURPING FAKE DEV-BROS SUDDENLY START SCREAMING ABOUT BUDGETS AND HOW COFFEE IS NOT NECESSARY IF YOU MEDITATE. FUCK YOU, WE'RE LIKE THE ONLY STARTUP IN THE COUNTRY RUNNING A FAT PROFIT. I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR STUPID MINDFULNESS IOS APP. GIVE ME MY FUCKING ESPRESSO OR I'LL BLEND YOUR BALLS INTO A PROTEIN SHAKE.29
Here's a list of unpopular stuff which I agree with:
1) I love Java more than any other programming language.
2) I love sleeping more than working.
3) I'm not a night owl. I thrive the most during daylight.
4) I don't like or need coffee. Tea is fine.
5) Webdev is a huge clusterfuck which I secretly wish that could just die already.
6) Cybersecurity is a meme and actually not that interesting. Same passes for Cloud, Machine Learning and Big Data.
7) Although I'm a huge fan of it Linux is too unstable and non-idiot proof to ever become mainstream on the desktop.
8) Windows is actually a pretty solid OS.
9) The real reason I don't use macos is because I'm a poorfag that can't afford an overpriced laptop.
10) I don't like math and I hate that people push math shit into random interview questions for dev jobs which have nothing to do with math.
** Non Dev Rant **
I just need to rant about this because I'm furious.
Last night I had a house warming party. It was mostly, if not all, of my girlfriend's friends. I'm a cranky old developer so I don't have friends.
Everyone was nice and dressed nice and brought us gifts.. all of the gifts were pretty much specifically for my girlfriend.
So this one girl came... she's younger.. around 25. She came with no gift (I wasn't expecting gifts I just need to mention it for the plot), and was dressed in sweat pants. Alright, no problem.. I really don't care at least she's here.
So as more guests arrive I finally get a gift. Someone brought me a case of beer and a couple of yummy cookies. I had to put it down on the kitchen counter for a bit because I needed to grab more chairs.
The basement door where the chairs are is 10 feet away from where I left my present..
I come back from upstairs.. not even 5 minutes later and I see sweat pant girl stuffing one cookie in her fucking mouth and the other in her pants...
Are you fucking kidding me!? I bought desserts and snacks and all the alcohol you can think of and you steal MY fucking present. Not just one of them... but BOTH.
She saw the other guests give me it.. say "here buddy this is for you"... followed me in the kitchen and STOLE my fucking cookies.
I was going to eat them this morning with my coffee and I realized I couldn't because this fucking ass hole took my fucking cookies!!!!
I hosted this party for my girlfriend's SJW ass hole fucked up friends... put a smile on my face... pretended to like people... and for once didn't yell at someone... and the fucking thanks I get is 2 stolen fucking cookies.
My school has the WORST coffee machine of the world: When you ask for a coffee, it serves you a hot chocolate; when you ask for sugar you have nothing AND THE Worst: If you ask 4 pieces of sugar you get a lemon tea...
WHO IS THE DEV ?!22
How my birthday is going so far:
1. Dropped coffee on my shirt
2. Client is wondering why we removed a feature that he wants yet asked us to remove a week ago
3. Dev server is no longer working
4. Internet connection is shit
5. My VPN keeps on disconnecting (see #4)
Is this day going to end or what?54
I am done with people, I just want one single room, with good internet, dual monitor setup... And I can spend my whole life like that... Being social, fuck that shit... I have devRant for that... and rest, I just want to code, listen to music, drink coffee and sleep like hell...
Why is it that I can understand some other dev's code faster that understanding someone's feelings. Why is it that I am good with principles of Programming Languages, but not the basic Principles of Humanity... Yes, I agree I don't have feelings, but is it wrong not to have feelings, I am a dev, I am supposed to be good with Codes, not humans... I want to be in my small space of close people. (My family), and that's it... I am no good with others. I hate Facebook, but love devRant, I spend more time on StackOverflow than that on WhatsApp. Why is it so... Why29
Coffee. I love it.
But with that, I mean *coffee*.
No I don't want a fucking cappucino or a latte or a whatever-the-fuck you call it that is coffee mixed with something not-coffeeish.
I love *coffee* and I want my coffee black and strong as fuck without any bullshit added to it.52
2 hours, maybe 2.5.
No one works for more than that, it's not how brains work. Or bodies for that matter, you gotta pee eventually.
OK maybe I'm pedantic and shouldn't count breaks... But then where lies the threshold? A fifteen minute coffee break? An hour long lunch break?
Could we use scrum storypoints to brag then (I once finished 12 points in a day!) — not really, because they're not standardized units of work.
Lines of code then? Well, the dev who copy pastes Java classes would beat the guy adjusting a dense Python script, without necessarily doing more.
No, the only true measure is of course grams of amphetamine per week, and in that metric I win from everyone.
Let's get something straight people, the trend to change terms in programming languages for PC approved ones is NOT for "making the workplace a better place".
If you are one of those who say "oh it's just terms, if it makes them feel better why not?", "I don't care so should everybody else", "the outrage proves we need to change the terms!".
No sir, first of all, since when has programming been about ditching standards to make people "feeel" better? Since when has engineering been about that?! We are engineers, we don't change shit and waste effort trying to fix things that are working.
Second, this word cleansing does NOT come from a well intentioned one, it's not about making the workplace a better place, it's not about minorities, it's about sanitizing language from an ideological and political standpoint to please an agenda pushing minority who doesn't give a shit about any real social issues.
They have done it to movies, videogames, news, political speech, magazines, books and now programming. It doesn't stop and they will never be satisfied, it's not about changing the terms, no one gives a shit about the terms, it's about pandering to ideological crybabies who want to control what you say because it "offends" them or some supposedly oppressed group from which we just hear anecdotal evidence.
Personally I wouldn't give a shit if it was for technical reasons, but it's not and I've seen what this shit does to communities I love and I won't stand it happening to the dev community just because some weak ass, no balls coders decided to pander to the retards on the far left to score virtue points instead of standing their ground.
Are you worried about oppressed groups? Donate money to third world children, speak out about women in Siria, travel to actual shitty 3rd world countries so you realize changing words on a GitHub repo on your expensive ass MacBook, sipping your soy based coffee on an office with air conditioning is not making the world a better place you delusional prick.
You want to ignore the facts be my guest, be willfully ignorant, but I will not police myself and my ideas for your ideological beliefs, not in gaming, not here. Fuck off.33
My dev superpower would be the power to magically refill anything.
Out of hot coffee? Refill your thermos!
Bank account running low? Refill with money!
Battery empty? Refill with charge!
Going bald like me? Refill your head with hair!
Bed empty? Refill with beautiful women!
Clients / managers annoying you? Refill their bladders!
The possibilites are limitless!7
Very funny/random/weird partly non-dev related story that happened today.
We're selling our coffee machine at work since the coffee is gross.
Someone wants to buy it and wants it to be sent.
Coworker: just the general way through a package?
Other coworker: hmm yeah through post is fine
Me: POSTAL PIDGIN
other colleague: BY PENGUIN
Another colleague: BY LIKE 100 PENGUINS FLYING THAT THING THROUGH THE AIR WITH LIKE WIRES ATTACHED TO IT
Me: just hold on for a second and imagine this graphically...
Colleagues: damn that would be fucking genius xD
Yeah we're quite random 😆31
We all once printed "Hello World" & were acting like a pro 😏
Cheers, we all made it till here, more than "Hello World! 🍺10
Wrote a slick scheduling and communication system allowing me to assign photography resources based on time and location.
I'll tell you a little secret ... I'm not actually a dev. I'm a photographer, pretending to be a dev.
Or ... perhaps it's the other way around? (I spend most of my time writing code these days, but only for me - I write the software I use to run my business).
I own a photography studio - we specialize in youth volleyball photography (mostly 12-18 year old girls with a bit of high school, college and semi-pro thrown in for good measure - it's a hugely popular sport) and travel all over the US (and sometimes Europe) photographing.
As a point of scale, this year we photographed a tournament in Denver that featured 100 volleyball courts (in one room!), playing at the same time.
I'm based in California and fly a crew of part-time staff around to these events, but my father and I drive our booth equipment wherever it needs to go. We usually setup a 30'x90' booth with local servers, download/processing/cashier computers and 45 laptops for viewing/ordering photographs. Not to mention 16' drape and banners, tons of samples, 55' TVs, etc. It's quite the production.
We photograph by paid signup only - when there are upwards of 800 teams/9,600 athletes per weekend playing, and you only have four trained photographers, you've got to manage your resources!
This of course means you have to have a system for taking sign those sign ups, assigning teams to photographers and doing so in the most efficient manner possible based on who is available when the team is playing. (You can waste an awful lot of time walking from one court to another in a large convention center - especially if you have to navigate through large crowds - not to mention exhausting yourself).
So this year I finally added a feature I've wanted for quite some time - an interactive court map. I can take an image of the court layout from the tournament and create an HTML version in our software. As I mouse over requests in one window, the corresponding court is highlighted on the map in another browser window. Each photographer has a color associated with them. When I assign requests to a photographer, the court is color coded with the color of the photographer. This allows me to group assignments to minimize photographer walk time and keep them in a specific area. It's also very easy to look at the map and see unassigned requests and look to see what photographer is nearby.
This year I also integrated with Twilio and setup a simple set of text shortcuts that photographers can use to let our booth staff know where they are, if they have memory cards that need picking up, if they need water/coffee/snack, etc. They can also move assignments on their schedule or send and SOS for help if it looks like they aren't going to be able to photograph a team.
Kind of a CLI via the phone. :)
The additions have turned out to be really useful and has made scheduling and managing the photographers much easier that it was in the past.18
Not entirely dev related.
Just wondering if I'm the only one on here who actually EATS coffee beans regularly?
Me: walks into a coffee shop and orders a latte
Barista-1: can you cover for me tomorrow.
Barista-2: I am busy with family. Do you have plans?
B-2: are you sick?
B-1: yeah! My throat hurts soooo much and I can hardly breath!
B-2: ahhhhh. That’s too sad.
B-1: commences to make my latte while breaking heavily into it.
Me: Walks the fuck away.
Fuck. That. Shit.
The $6 it costs for that latte isn’t worth missing a week of paying work with the flu!
I got no time for that type of shit. Stay the fuck home for fuck sakes.10
Small Me(m): learning some basic code
Senior Dev(d): *walks by and sees my code*
m: hey got any advice on this?
d: learn to use regular expression. *walks away*
m: 30min later... *Mind blown*
And coffee of course ☕2
The people I work with are so fucking antisocial. Everyone waits until the kitchen is empty before going to get a coffee. Also, the dev next to me seems to think breathing heavily is a great idea. Fuck these people.
Oh...the kitchen is free! Time for coffee!5
My Friends say i´m no dev...
I love do Sports,
I have free time,
I´m eating healthy,
I don't like coffee....11
I sometimes remember the time when I wrote a Email-inbox-exporter-PHP-script-type of application that collects all the emails from an inbox, "copied" it to a database with the attachements and stuff and moves it to a folder..
I just started at the company for like a couple of months, had no privileges to create mailboxes and such and I didn't want to interrupt our programmer to do this for me, so... I decided.. to save time and resources.. to test run it on our global, live 'support' mailbox.. :D Well.. You might guess what happened.. Apparently I mistyped the name of the move-destination folder (because imap-weird-things) that resulted in a completly empty mailbox and an empty database because the inserts failed due to bad encoding and mime-type issues..
The moment I refreshed my Outlook and noticed that all our mails where gone.. I swear, I can't describe that feeling of fear, cold sweat, intense heartbeat... I just stood up, asked if anyone wanted coffee, and just walked out of the office.. When in the hallway, I heard my collegues ask to one another "do you have any issues with outlook, all my mails are gone?". Everyone was stressing out, the chief was stressing out "what happened?!", nobody knew what happened.. :D
They could partially resolve it via one collegue who hadn't refreshed the mailbox and he could forward all the mails back to our support mailbox..
I dropped the project idea and learned to work with dev environments :D A couple of months later, I accidentially forgot a where condition in my SQL UPDATE statement, but that was the last time I seriously f*cked up.. :D Got to learn the hard way I guess.. Now everything I do runs in dev environments, I test everything before publishing,.. When I look back.. I don't even recognize the (inexperienced) guy I was back then ! :D
Ps. No one still knows what happened that day and they blamed it on server issues :D4
Apartment owner tells me to get out for a few hours while he repairs some stuff around the house . Get laptop , get wallet , go to kfc , go to order , only have money to get a large coke and a coffee , set up laptop , start working on my 2D game project , one hour later hobo comes in and begs around for 2 mins , before the guard catches him , he goes to order instead and gets a large duo bucket with coffee ...fml being a poor dev before paycheck...2
1. Slack. Pretty good chat app for dev companies, I use it to prevent people standing next to my desk 40 times a day.
2. Unit testing tools, especially when fully automated using a git master branch hook, something like codeship/jenkins, and a deployment service.
3. Jetbrains IDEs. I love Vim, but Jetbrains makes theming, autocompleting & code style checks with mixed templating languages a breeze.
4. Urxvt terminal. It's a bit of work at the start, but so extremely fast and customizable.
5. Cinnamon or i3. Not really dev tools, but both make it easy to organize many windows.
6. A smart production bug logger. I tend to use Bugsnag, Rollbar or Sentry.
7. A good coffee machine. Preferably some high pressure espresso maker which costs more than the CEO's car, using organic fairtrade hipster beans with a picture of a laughing south american farmer. And don't you dare fuck it up with sugar.
8. Some high quality bars of chocolate. Not to consume yourself, but to offer to coworkers while they wait for you to fix a broken deploy. The importance of office politics is not to be underestimated.1
Programming made me addicted to coffee
So here I am at 4am ranting about not being able to sleep after having drank some at 27
I started drinking coffee when I started as a junior dev.
I loved its boost, but after a while being on coffee was exactly how I felt before as normal. I incrementally upped the dosage, while my resistance creeped up too. I reached a moment when I drank a liter daily, so I witched to yerba maté instead, which resulted in more potent brews. Then I got used to its strength too plus it tasted like horseshit. I switched to caffeine tablets, takingg more and more. Soon after I reached a level which was described medically as the top one should be allowed to take.
I no longer felt any boost. In between caffeinated moments of normalty, I felt like a brain-dead zombie. When I was caffeinated, I was jittery, my shoulder and eyebrow was glitching, my stomach was flexing like before taking a huge exam.
After some miserable time like that, I quit caffeine entirely. I was fatigued, dull and my mind was hazy for te next 1-2 weeks.
I then finally, became gradually normal again.
I drink tea and coffee only socially, perhaps a few times in a month, and never after too much later than noon.
Now I can't wear my "Programmer. Converts coffee into code" shirt anymore. Apart from that, I'm much better off :)
What's your coffee story?21
> Take girlfriend to Starbucks
Me: I'll ask for a cold brewed coffee, what would you like?
She: I don't like coffee...10
Where I currently work (and have done for 10 years) we were recently recruiting for another dev, and one of the other devs and our line manager were running the interviews.
After 3 or 4 failed interviews they decided to test the questions on me... I got 3 out of 10 :(
My argument was (and still is) if I get stuck programming I can google, or you can teach me new stuff. And I can make a good cup of coffee2
I'M SO GONNA GET MY OWN LOCKPICKING SET AND LEARN HOW TO FUCKING PICK LOCKS. I'M SICK OF GETTING LOCKED OUT OF MY OWN FUCKING ROOM. "WHY DON'T YOU USE A KEY?" YOU ASK? GOOD QUESTION. MY JERKBAG ARSEHOLE PARENTS DECIDED TO NOT GIVE ME A FUCKING KEY FOR MY OWN FUCKING ROOM *FOR 6 GODDAM YEARS* SINCE WE'VE MOVED IN. "WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO TO THE LOCKSMITH OR SOME SHIT-" DO YOU I THINK I CAN JUST FUCKING WALTZ IN, ASK FOR THE KEY AND BRING IT TO THE FUCKING LOCKSMITH TO GET A DUPLICATE? AS IF THEY WOULD!!! AND NOW I'M GONNA GET EITHER AN F OR GO FULL SUICIDAL BECAUSE COFFEE THROUGH THE NIGHT IS NOT A FUCKING OPTION FOR ME. BECAUSE ALL THE FUCKING MATERIAL I HAVE FOR MY GODDAM ASSIGNMENT, ALONG WITH MY LAPTOP IS IN MY FUCKING ROOM. THANKS DAD! YOU SURE ARE HELPFUL AS FUCK! FUCK YOU!13
"But...it works locally", said the tired dev who hasn't had his morning coffee yet. It's going to be one of those days.2
Friend of mine: so I wonder how do you test your applications in the startup?
Me: testing? *grabs his coffee laughing*
Actually we have a complete build pipeline from commit/pull-request to dev and production environments. No tests. Really. We are in rapid product development / research state.
We change technologies and approaches like our underwear (and yeah, this is frequently). If we settled some day and understood the basic problems of the whole feature palette, we'll talk about tests again.4
Fuck you Starbucks! Do you call your pile of goat piss coffee? Even the fucking espresso is a disgusting laxative, it tastes like bleach and costs twice compared to every fucking bar in town, which make actual espresso.
And, black coffee means no milk. No soy milk either, no coconut milk, fucking anything else.
Thank god I still have my old Moka.11
Have any of you already felt that you really like what you do (coding, of course, among other things), but you hate "the place(s)" where you work, specifically some of the people from there...?!?!?
It's 9AM, you already got your coffee, is comfortably sat, with your precious headphones, all ready for some gorgeous lines of code to gain life... but...
... your coworkers are arguing cos one prefer braces when using an single-line if statement, the other not...
... another one is discussing about how bad he's paid after discovering that a dev (at the same "level") receives more...
... the coordinator comes to convince you that the manager is not good, has not all the needed "certifications", and vice versa ...
... the designer didn't like the UX's work, and this is just an enough reason for a BIG gossip with the rest of the team (or even with people from other teams) ...
... the QA complains all the time about everything: the testing environments are a shit, the other QAs are a shit, the system is a shit, his life is a shit (even though he has not yet realized it) ...
Sometimes I miss that time when I got into the coding universe at home, giving my first steps and was creating things all the time... against the toxicity we find in a lot of enterprise "habitats"...1
I just accepted an offer as a backend dev for a startup in Berlin, Germany. I’m looking forward to all the coffee and beer I will drink while I work. 😆7
This has been my wallpaper since june, when I had to become a dev at work.
I've been drinking waaayyy too much coffee while hunting those missing semicolons these last months.1
Happened to me - an experienced dev with most of the experience on the web.
I apply to this company that I had no idea what they do (big mistake on my part). I ace the technical interview, and they follow up with a request for a presentation on a topic, to see how well I can prove a point or understand a technology. So I do that. Everybody is listening carefully. Most people at the office didn't know the basics of what I was talking about, but there was a guy who knew more and asked the tough questions, but I didn't let down.
So we talk again, and again, and all is going well, we're out for a coffee, talk about the future of my career and the company, in a more casual setting. Got to know the CTO, etc. Everything was going stellar.
I was waiting for the offer, but instead I got a generic "We can't continue with your application" together with a notification that I was being blocked by the contact person.
Weirdest interview ever. And this thing really put me down and struck at my self-esteem. I mean was it really hard to mention whether you didn't like my expectations, or my skills, or my "fit for the team"? Or at least not block me like that, it's not like I'm gonna stalk you or anything. I still get birthday notifications on Skype from people I've interviewed with before, and I haven't written them since because they have other stuff to take care about, as do I.
Anyway. I got up and started again. New company. High expectations. High salary expectations. Rejection. Fuck.
Ok, start again. 2 companies this time. Both at the same time. Both make me an offer. Have to turn one down. Harder than I had imagined. The choice that I made literally changed my life for the better. I'm glad I didn't end up at any of the other 2 companies that rejected me.
Even experienced people get bad bitter rejections. Don't have high expectations, and that will help you keep your emotions in check, and fight on.3
Not exactly a dev story, but an annoying experience overall. So, I was going to a Starbucks near me, I was too lazy to drive to the nearest shop that sells coffee, so I just went here. I was beginning my work (updating one of my old programs to a usable level). I was downloading some libraries from github for the project, as a middle-aged woman walks behind me. She looks at my laptop, and sees a terminal screen with git clone running. Now, I can understand, that if you aren't proficient at technology, a terminal can look suspicious. But she straight up said: "Stop hacking our passwords, it's illegal!". At this point, she walks over and asks the manager to come look. The manager comes, and calls their "IT guy". The supposed IT guy comes over, chuckles a bit and walks away. The manager proceeds to kick me out, and give me a warning to not come again.5
You guys talk about having too much coffee occasionally - enough to where you weren't able to even focus;
I, being the dumbass I am overachieved a little and actually drank so much once and basically seized up
My friend was driving me home and all of the sudden i felt my arm muscles contracting, and then my abdomen and chest
shit was scary
we had to pull over and i had to struggle to shove a bottle and a half of water down my throat before he could drive me home
moral of the story = Make sure you eat in the morning, and there IS such a thing as too much coffee6
I used to work IT in an entertainment startup, and now I’m an iOS dev at a big entertainment company. Several people from my old company have been reaching out to eagerly tell me about their new app idea I just have to hear, asking me to help code their app— and have even hinted at me quitting my nice safe job to join their great new startup that doesn’t even exist yet.
I know this must happen to app devs all the time. What do you say?
How do you deal with telling these nice people who just don’t understand it doesn’t work that way, without crushing their dream? I have a coffee meeting planned to tell one of them “You should learn to code so you can make a proof of concept,” but I fear that won’t be received well.
What’s the standard protocol for telling people you won’t be able to code their magic app idea?10
This morning, I felt pretty good. I had a healthy breakfast and I took the longer U-bahn journey into work so as to enjoy the Autumn scenery. I get to my desk after greeting my colleagues with the customary "Guten Morgen" and I began to plan my work for the day. I see there is a new ticket assigned to me which relates to a HTML issue. The customer support team are able to use a HTML editor to made changes to a section of a user's dashboard and from time to time, I get asked to fix their mistakes. Usually, it is something small, but it makes me cringe every time I see the markup. "Tables...tables everywhere!!!", sighed the once happy dev.
Time for a coffee break and a sit-down with the support team5
A frontend dev asked for my assistance in writing a tricky helper function, told him i'd be back in 5, as I was just heading out the door for a cup of coffee.
Came back a little later, maybe 10 minutes instead of 5, and he says:
"Nevermind, I solved it by installing plugin XYZ v4"
Checked out the codebase for said plugin afterwards, and discovers it's around ~30MB of code, and adds a shit ton of "premium version" ads to the backend.
YOU FUCKING TWATFACE! YOUR LAZY FUCKTRUMPET ASS COULDN'T WAIT 5 MORE MINUTES?!!
I NOW HAVE THE MISFORTUNE OF REWRITING YOUR ABYSMAL DISASTER, OR DEAL WITH THIS PIECE OF SHITWARE..4
When you dev in Chrome and the UI looks perfect, but the client reports a style issue in IE/Firefox and you are forced to use the dev tools in these browsers to try to solve the issue. I need another coffee2
When you walk in at work in the morning, hoping for a quiet Friday at work, but nope. I check our WP monitoring and see that half our sites aren't responding. Well fuck. Turns out that the firewall service we use to protect our sites experienced a massive DDOS attack. So the service we use to keep our sites safe ironically caused downtime. Me, our Devopser and another dev spent the entire morning bringing the sites up again and bringing the customers up to date. FFS, I need more coffee.2
Today was a good day, (day 4 of my junior dev career) I met the only other female Dev in the company , great stuff
And I'm starting to see how well I fit into the company. The only hot drinks options are coffee and green tea- exactly the only hot things I drink 😂(I think they all hacked me and made the work exactly the way I'd like it hm)6
Non Dev People just don't understand how to talk to a programmer, sometimes they think their ignoerenc on this matter to be my arrogance.
If you need to talk to a programmer then first you need to declare the context of the talk, calculate and optimize its time complexity and space complexity.
By Time Complexity i mean how long could the chat to be, if its longer than n minutes i need a coffee to sip around and by space complexity you need to specify know how much you nned to talk to convey the message.
And lastly if anything can be discussed by emails or texting them there is no need to push for a verbal communication.16
just woke up in the middle of the night dreaming of merging some branches after working a 16 hour shift straight because my company is too fucking broke to hire another freakin' dev...
well fuck it who needs sleep at all! let's get some coffee...3
Dev goals for 2018? Oh my..
#1: Never have to post my own question on Stack Overflow.
#2: Stop fixing everyone's computer for free.
#3: Stop coding while intoxicated (at home worry - don't worry ;)
#4: More side projects.
#5: Buy more coffee varieties 😂😂😍
24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year is not enough while you're studying, working, have a business at the side, try to explore dev stuff, want to maintain your social life and have enough sleep so you won't die. Fuck this. Give me another coffee.3
Sitting in a bus on 19 hour ride with my class to England a few things to rant about came to my mind:
Why the fuck do you have to blast shitty german rap music out of your fucking JBL boxes and why do you have to turn up the volume so much that I can still hear it although I am wearing headphones, listening to music and sitting 5 fucking rows in front of you.
Also why the fuck do clocks in buses never display the right time? How hard can it be to make the clock display the right fucking time?
Another thing: why does this bus which is especially made for long rides not have a fucking trash can?! Seriously wtf?
Rants aside I am really looking forward to staying in England for a week although I won't have a computer for the next week :(
Another thing: why the fuck is the coffee you get at pull-ins so fucking disgusting ?
Like srsly, it is made by a machine and still tastes like thrown-up.
And why the fuck does everyone look weirdly at you when you buy a can of red bull but everything is fine when someone my age drinks 3+ liters of beer and then throws up? What the fuck? People look at me weirdly when I tell them that I don't drink any alcohol, heck I am actually not even allowed to do so because I am 15 and not 16 (beer is allowed in Germany if you are 16+ but nobody really cares about that). Heck where I am from they even encourage you to drink beer? What the fuck??!!
Anyway looking forward to England and also sorry about the long non-dev related rant. Just had to rant about some people and society.
P.S. do you know any (preferably free) Android apps / games where you have to code or just solve problems with logic?15
Yesterday, I started a new job yesterday (yay!), and all of us new employees have gotten a laptop and a docking station.
Today, I was standing by the coffee machine, chatting with a fellow dev about different kinds of automation and efficiency techniques , when he suggested swapping-out coffee for caffeine pills, as a means to promote efficiency.
I immediately suggested we use the mouse as a docking station through which caffeine is pumped directly into the bloodstream, as a means to promote automation :)1
When I started at my company I was full of energy and wanted to improve the whole codebase. After years of getting blocked by new projects with deadlines month short of the actual time required and missing a lot or all important bits (texts, images. you name it, it's missing) I kind of have up.
I do refractoring now and then but it's not as extensive.
My biggest sin was a nested for-loop that I came across (50+ times nested, previous dev really loved c+p).
I looked at it and started to write the recursive function but stopped half way through, fixed that one error I'm the loop somewhere around 30 levels down, committed and made myself a coffee.
I hate myself to this day for giving up.
Shit I'll just factor that loop tomorrow3
Have been working on my project recently, bug fixing, aws configuring, containing the app, etc, etc. I've been sleeping close to 5hrs on average per day, juggling college finals, work, training and project labour, my activity here has been minimal but I figured some people might be going through the same and I wanted to share my last resource dev weapon...the jet fuel of dev fuels imo...DW coffee
I strongly recommend to use it in dire times (not a promo this thing got me through 13 hours of coding straight)11
Just relocated to work in stockholm to work as android dev. Any devs out here who would like to meet up have some coffee or a beer and teach me the swedish ways? :D1
Emergancy carepackage for tough dev days.
- Dank memes
- And of course: Devrant, to Dev vent my frustration. 😉
At my current work (sports wear bla bla bla) we recently had couple of brands come by (136people) and had a presentation. One of the market lead peps stood and talked about future plans and projects in the following:
👨🏻💼MarketGuy: "we want to improve the e-shop service and direct booking system. Think about it, AI, machine learning and deep network, these are all out there and we should consider working with it!"
👨🏻Me: ... *Thinking* "buzzwords, buzzwords everywhere.. dude you don't even know how to excel..
👨🏻💼: *Continues babbling about website, Blockchain and AI together with sportswear and the future of working together*
MAH GAAAD (┛◉Д◉)┛彡┻━┻
I need a coffee.. ☕2
Before I decided to switch careers (PM to Dev) I would drink coffee, black, sometimes with 2+ shots of espresso on those nasty days...
It's been 18 months into this transition and I find that by about 9AM a strong dark coffee with 1+ shots of whiskey is required on any day...
No regrets on the switch, Just didn't see that coming is all...3
dev team: you have been selected, go and ask for better working conditions for everyone in this team.
< after i came back from boss office >
dev team: so?
me: i got free coffee for everyone ...
Jesus Christ, if the cucks at this company don't start cleaning the coffee machine them-fucking-selves, I'm going to flip my shit.
There's been a chalk warning for about a month now and nobody is doing shit about it.
They leave the excess coffee powder in until either I clean it out or it literally starts to mold.
And it's not like they don't use it, everybody here drinks at least two cups a day, do you not care if it tastes at least a little all right!?
Nobody is ever going to get even a half decent cup out of this janky piece of shit.8
Unpopular opinion: going out with your friends for a multiple-day boozing because you have a prolonged weekend and then bragging to me via text message how drunk you are is plain pathetic. Please delete me from your contacts.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
*proceeds to sip coffee with cognac*9
Monday morning server dmesg error before coffee be like : Buffer I/O error on dev sdb ...
Before my coffee...
Oh I am surely being tested here ...
The craziest thing happened today
I havemy environment studies test today so spent the last night studying so now even after 3 cups of coffee everything feels like third person. So in the metro i am browsing dev rant and so zoned that i miss my stop by three stops!!
Guess climate change is indeed affecting ourselves
I like a Product Manager/Owner/CTO who invites coffee when a dev burnout. This is not a story, a hope seems to be.2
I need to stop buying things...
I just bought a Keurig and some coffee because it was on sale for Cyber Monday...
And well I've been buying other discretionary things like crazy for the last few months... including lots of cakes and chocolates...
Which prolly adds up to over $500 in 3 months...
Damn should've gotten a new credit card... All that spending would've gotten me $150 back...
So I just started working at the beginning of January and I have no fucking clue about anything especially Web development.
But now I have a week to figure out how in the world I am going set up a workflow for some secretaries so that the higher ups get a printed coupon with a password on it, so they can log into our WLAN via a captive portal that I also need to set up.
I am thinking about a website that takes a list of names and settings (probably excel or smt) passes them to the WiFi management softwares API and then generates some PDF file for download that just needs to get printed.
Did I mention that I have no Dev tools (I have notepad, yeah the one without ++), no test environment, no prior experience and no clue how to do it?
But somehow I love this challenge and am glad that my colleagues don't send me to get coffee but let me work.
Am I insane?5
Best part of being a dev? Converting coffee into code. ☕
Worst part? Dealing with others' shitty code everyday.1
Class normal people:
Def good day:
"Manager was out, had great lunch, got a. special someone's number, successfully avoided traffic, got in special someone's pants"
Def bad day:
"Stubbed toe this morning, rained all day, broke up w. special someone, sat in traffic for 2 hrs"
Class software dev:
Def good day:
"Wrote lots of working code, little to no bugs, checked in no-probs, ahead od schedule for ship, extra time for ping-pong!"
Def bad day:
"Somone fucked up the latest build, coffee machine's broken, ran out of adderall, manager on everyone's @$$ for a fix, 5 hrs later...no fix, no blames, no coffee, board meeting; fml"1
Coworker during standup this morning: yeah i couldn't work saturday on the project because of VPN problems but i'll stay longer today.
Scrum master goes home.
Coworker, literally 8:10 hours later. Goes home.
He bugfixed another project for an hour and told me i had to work on this project instead of helping another client.
Meanwhile he's bragging about all the experience he has and telling he wants to be the lead dev.
I thought he started early but nope. First drank coffee for another 15 minutes.2
The worst part about being a dev is having to deal with resource allocation of two hands, three keyboards, two mice 😂and a coffee all throughout life1
after a long days work coming out of my dev cave at 11:00 pm. ... I gotta get some sleep....
3:00AM Wide awake can't sleep any more thinking about all the shit I still have to get done!!!!!
Okay up and coding again by 3:30 with coffee.
4 hrs sleep okay lets do this all over again:(
Who else feels like they live in a while loop:)1
How I know I need coffee?
(1) fire up "npm run webpack-dev"
(2) Debug webpack config settings for 30 minutes wondering why it can't rebuild scripts
(3) Realize you ran it on the ~/projects/me/release folder and not ~/project/me/dev-latest folder.
There is an applicant for a dev position coming in today for an interview and a short coding exam. I'm looking forward to walking by the meeting room while they are doing the exam and seeing the anxiety on their face while I give a completely useless thumbs up.
Hmm...code compiled. I've earned a coffee break.
Best part of being a dev?
Knowing that given enough time, you could essentially get your computer to do anything you want; and if it doesn't, it's because you made a mistake somewhere and not because it just didn't want to!
Before my dev days (when I wasn't allowed to install any software) wrote an excel macro that would email a colleague with a coffee request after someone challenged me saying I couldn't get the computer to make me coffee, hehe...2
Okay so there's lots of posts regarding coffee... I don't actually drink coffee, does this mean I can't be a dev anymore?6
I can't choose just one so here are my favorite desk things...
In order of appearance:
Coffee, because no dev can dev without.
Mini whiteboards, (one on each side), makes for easy quick notes and helps me organize my thoughts.
Legos, specifically #4070 because of its intriguing geometrics. Tearing them apart and making different shapes helps me think through problems.
Code keyboard, pure excellence.
Logitech MX master mouse, same as above.2
A dev needs 2 things to produce a great product: Time and Coffee. If there's not enough time, add more coffee. If there's a lot of it then lessen the coffee. 😏
Bonus semi dev related sin:
Unless it's piping hot I'll leave my coffee to get cold and then drink it.
me: wanting a clean table to work, the less stuff the better, best would be a single notebook and nothing else
also me: backend dev, so 3 monitors, extern keyboard and mouse, some documentation papers and oh where is this cup coffee of last week coming from?
When i discuss about coffee (js) with my dev friends and some other gags be like order one for me.
Dev: putting every single item to the pos is necessnary unless u end up with the report of showing Coffee revenue 20k rather than cafe mocha :5k, cafe cappachino 10k, ice cappachino 5k.
client : You don't do the same way i do this business that why I don't want to use this pos.
Dev: Ok. Fine. How u want to do?
Client : No. i want like this
Coffees = 5$
Frappaes = 2$
Juices = 3$
Dev: so he only want to use App exactly like a paper.
Open Ye Olde Dev Shoppe, where we hand-code artisian programs that AI could make, except slower, and for twice the price. And where we also serve coffee made by a human barista.