What it's like to be a network engineer...translated into normal people speak

User: I think we are having a major road issue.

Me: What? No, I just checked, the roads are fine. I was actually just on the roads.

User: No, I’m pretty sure the roads are down because I’m not getting pizzas.

Me: Everything else on the roads is fine. What do you mean you aren’t getting pizzas?

User: I used to get pizzas when I ordered them, now I’m not getting them. It has to be a road issue.

Me: As I said, the roads are fine. Where are you getting pizzas from?

User: I’m not really sure. Can you check all places that deliver pizzas?

Me: No I don’t even know all the places that deliver pizza. You need to narrow it down.

User: I think it is Subway.

Me: Okay, I’ll check…No, I just looked and Subway doesn't deliver pizzas.

User: I’m pretty sure it is Subway. Can you just allow all food from Subway and we can see if pizza shows up?

Me: Sigh, fine I’ve allowed all food from Subway, but I don’t think that is the issue.

User: Yeah I’m still not getting pizza. Can you check the roads?

Me: It’s not the roads, the roads are fine. I’m pretty sure Subway isn’t the place.

User: Okay, I found it. It’s Papa Johns.

Me: Okay, I looked and Papa Johns does deliver pizza. Is it the local Papa Johns or one in a different town?

User: I don’t know. Can you allow pizza from all Papa Johns to me?

Me: No I can’t do that. Can you get me an address for Papa Johns?

User: No, I only know it as Papa Johns. Can you get me all the addresses of all Papa Johns and I’ll tell you if one of them is correct?

Me: No, I don’t have time for that. Okay, I looked at the local one and it looks like they have sent you pizza in the past and they are currently allowed to send you pizzas. Try ordering a pizza while I watch.

User: Yeah still no pizza. I’m guessing they are getting blocked at the freeway. Can you check the freeway to make sure they can get through?

Me: No, this is a local delivery. They aren't even using the freeway.

User: Okay, well then it has to be a road issue.

Me: No, the roads are fine. Okay, I just drove from the Papa Johns to the address they have on file for you and there is nothing there.

User: Hmm, wait we did move recently.

Me: Did you give your new address to Papa Johns?

User: No, I just thought they would be able to look me up by name.

Me: No they need your new address. What’s your new address?

User: I’m not really sure. Can you look it up?

Me: Sigh, give me a second…Okay, I found your address and gave it to Papa Johns. Try ordering a pizza now.

User: HEY! PIZZA JUST SHOWED UP!

Me: Okay, good.

User: (To everyone else they know) I apologize for the delay in the pizza but there was a major road issue that was preventing the pizza from getting to me. The network engineer has fixed the roads and we are able to get pizza again.

Me: But it wasn’t the roads…whatever.

User: Oh, can you also check on an issue where Chinese food isn’t getting to me? I think it may be a road issue

WHY THE FUCKIDY FUCK DO PEOPLE THINK THAT JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE A DEVELOPER THEN YOU CAN DO EVERY FUCKING THING IN A SNAP?!

THIS ENTIRE SUMMER I WORKED FOR THIS MIDGET OF A FUCK AND THE IDEA WAS TO MAINLY DEVELOP AN IOS APP FOR THEIR PRODUCT. THAT ONE APP TRANSLATED TO THREE SEPARATE APPS AND KEEP IN MIND THAT I AM THE ONLY DEVELOPER THEY HAVE SO I HAVE TO DEVELOP IT, TEST IT AND DOCUMENT IT!! AND WHAT'S EVEN WORSE IS HE KEEPS GIVING ME DESIGNS AT THE LAST MINUTE SO I ALWAYS END UP HAVING TO CREATE NEW PROJECTS ALL THE TIME. WHEN A WEEK PASSES BY WITHOUT ANY UPDATE HE AND HIS FUCKED UP BRAIN CELLS GATHER A MEETING WITH HIS 'DONALD TRUMP HANDS-SIZED' BALLS TO ASK ME, 'WHY ARE YOU TAKING SO LONG? THESE ARE JUST THREE BUTTONS ON THIS VIEW?' MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKER!! GO GET YOUR MOM TO DO THIS WORK THEN IF IT'S JUST THREE BUTTONS. TO HIM EVERYTHING IN IOS WHICH INCORPORATES A TAP IS A FUCKING BUTTON! BUTTON THIS! BUTTON THAT! AND IT'S NOT LIKE HE HAS SIMPLE DESIGNS..NO.NO.NO.NO. THIS ASSHOLE-SHAPED-HEAD MUGGET DESIGNS SHIT WHICH REQUIRES ME TO HAVE TO DRAW A UIVIEW AS THE SHAPE OF A HUMAN BODY AND HEART. THEN ASIDE FROM THAT, JUST BECAUSE MY RESUME SAYS I MINORED IN MATH AND APPLIED MATH, HE SENDS ME A PAPER THAT EXPLAINS MATHEMATICAL CONCEPTS OF DATA ANALYSIS THEN WANTS TO MEET WITH ME TO DISCUSS THE SUGGESTED METHODS THEN IMPLEMENT THEM. AT THIS POINT I HAD ALREADY IMPLEMENTED AN ALGO FOR COUNTING THE NUMBER OF STEPS THAT WAS WAY WAY WAY MORE ACCURATE THAN THE SHIT THEY HAD IN THEIR CONTROLLER..

SO AS I AM ABOUT TO FINISH IMPLEMENTING JUST THE INITIAL 5 VIEWS OF THIS 'FINAL' APP, HE SERIOUSLY WALKS IN AND TELLS ME, SO I'M STARTING TO WORRY THAT WE'LL NOT MEET THE AUGUST DEADLINE SO I'M THINKING MAYBE YOU SHOULD START SWITCHING BETWEEN DEVELOPMENT. WORK ON IOS FOR 4 HOURS THEN SWITCH TO ANDROID FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE TIME. OH AND UHH IF YOU FEEL LIKE TAKING THE IMAC WITH YOU TO WORK FROM HOME, THAT'S FINE AS WELL AND I'LL BE AVAILABLE IN THE WEEKENDS AS WELL. IT WAS AT THIS MOMENT THAT I REALLY REALLY HOPED I WERE GAY! LIKE 'NO LUBE' STYLE KINDA GAY!! OH BTW AT SOME POINT HE HAD ME PROGRAM ONE OF THEIR CONTROLLERS, AND WAS ASKING IF I COULD START RESEARCHING MEANS OF WRITING AN SDK FOR THEM.

KEEP IN MIND THAT I'M AN INTERN WITH ONE YEAR IOS DEV EXPERIENCE.. THEN HE WANTS ME TO ENTIRELY START LEARNING ANDROID AND GIVE HIM TWO VERSIONS OF THIS THIRD APP IN TWO WEEKS.

HE CAN GO SUCK HIS OWN DICK WHILE GETTING FINGER FUCKED BY A FORK WITH A BLUE WHALE'S 6FT LONG DICK UP HIS MOUTH.

*** that felt good ****

Translated:
"And jesus said:
Return home to your villages and solve the IT problems of your parents"
Merry Christmas everyone!!

Literally translated from dutch but I think you'll get it:

(Debugging stuff with customer)
Me: alright so in what area are you now, our customer panel or your hosting control panel?
Client: Rotterdam, why?

._____________.

BOSS: i will need your resume for this new project, can you make it?
ME: sure, but don't you have one?
BOSS: yes, but i would need it changed for a new details
ME: ok...

after work...

BOSS: we have a problem, remember that resume? we need it on english, and need it right now, can you translate it at home?
ME: ok, but give me a few minutes...

sends translated resume...
BOSS: ummm, it's not translated well, you didn't translate your education...
ME: the name of the school? you can't translate that...
BOSS: this lady asked for it, so do it...
ME: ok...

sends again...
BOSS: not quite there yet, you have Ć in your last name, translate that...
ME: translate my last name?
BOSS: yeah, this lady has a spell check and saw that incorrect...
ME: .....

im going to celebrate when i leave this itterate shithole

A nerd often get to act support. I got this question about a year ago from a friend. (I've translated it into english.)

As a developer in Germany, I don't understand why anything related to development like IDEs, git clients and source code documentation should be localized/translated.
Code is written in english, configuration files too. Any technology, any command name in a terminal, every name of a tool or code library, every keyword in a programming language is written in english. English is the language of every developer. And English is simply a required skill for a developer.
Yet almost everything nowadays is translated to many other languages, espacially MS products. That makes development harder for me.

My visual studio menus are a mess of random german/english entries due to 3rd party extensions.

My git client, "source tree" uses wierd translations of the words "push" and "commit". These commands are git features! They should not be translated!

Buttons and text labels in dev tools often cut the text off because they were designed for english and the translated text is bigger and does not fit anymore. Apparently no one is testing their software in translated mode.

And the worst of all: translated fucking exception and error massages! Good luck searching for them online.

Apple does one thing damn right. They are keeping all development related stuff english (IDE, documentation). Not wasting money on translations which no developer needs.

After months of tedious research, I finally feel like I understand machine learning.

All of my programmer buddies are in envy, but I keep trying to explain that what I finally get is that it's not as hard as it's presented to be.

I feel like a lot of the terminology in machine learning is really pretentious and unnecessary, and just keeps new people from the field.

For example: I could say: "Yeah, I'm training a classification model with two input neurons, a hidden activation layer, and an output neuron", and you might think I was hot shit. But that just gets translated into "I'm putting in two inputs, sorting them, and outputting one thing".

I feel like if there was a plain language guide to machine learning, the field would be a lot more attractive to a lot more people. I know that's why it was hard for me to get in. Maybe I'll write one.

Writing more infrastructure than product.

Look, my application requests and transforms data from a single external API endpoint, it's just one GET request...

But I made an intelligent response caching middleware to prevent downtime when the parent API goes down, I made mocks and tests for everything, the documentation is directly generated from the code and automatically hosted for every git branch using hooks, responses are translated into JSONschema notation which automatically generate integration tests on commit, and the transformations are set up as a modular collection of composable higher order lenses!

Boss: Please use less amphetamine.

Schrödingers WhatsApp, I both have new messages and I don't have new messages up to the point I open it and look.

Thanks for the useful notification!

// Translated: "You might have new messages"

I've only experienced a quitting coworker once.

In a previous job a coworker quit with the words directed to the boss in a very loud and aggressive manner: "Ich künde, du verfiggti pissmorchle!!!"*, while throwing around office chairs and swearing all kinds of nasty stuff.

My boss at that time was indeed a fucking wanker. He exploited the shit out of every employee and expected from us that we work overtime for free. No pauses were paid, eventhough he'd had to by law.
I don't have to mention that he was a sexist fucktard and 3 female ex-employees sued him for sexual assault.
Sadly he is still in charge of that wanker company and he "miraculously" dodged every "bullet".

* trigger-safely and roughly translated to: "I quit, you fucking wanker!!!"

What's the difference between a wasp and single loose hair?
Apparently none till the wasp stings :/

Yesterday I thought I had a loose hair on my neck.. ok, I shrug it off.. later again the creepy feeling.. shrugs off..

I continue to work, sumberged in code, wanting to find the fucker (bug, not the wasp/hair).. lean in to the monitor... 10 cents away from the screen... Ok, maybe that's it! Feels the hair on my back, near shoulderblades again... shrugging again more violently to get it further down to fall out.. nothing.. ok, got the bug, threw myslef back in the chair with substential force & BAAAAM!!! Motherfucking hair bit me!! O.o

I scream in horror & on top of the lungs (it was late, after work hours so I didn't expect anyone else still at the office) PROKLETA PRASICA (roughly translated to goddamn female swine).. I previously saw some green bug flying around the office and I thought that nasty thing bit me (didn't know they bite soo, much more horror for me).. O.o

Anyhow, I jump up from the computer and see my coworker looking at me all baffled.. I proceed to franticly take of my headphones and hoodie..thinking about wtf should I do now, I cannot get undressed in front of him (not for my sake, bra is the same as top of the bathing suit for me, but still..I don't want anyone suing me for impropper behaviour of undreasing in front of coworkers..), how the fuck should I get to the toilet?! O.o

C: Are you ok?!
M: Um.. sth bit me..wtf?!
C: There was a wasp flying around somewhere some time ago.. are you alergic?!
M: um..not sure, I don't think so..we'll see soon..

I proceed to the WC, to take off tshirt & check/kill off the fucker.. on my way there (walking funny to not press the hair to my body again) I got another surprise, another coworker was working late..

C2: Are you ok?! O.o
M: yeah, sth bit me, probably a wasp..

Ok, finally on the loo..ok, do not lock self in in case it escapes and you need help.. don't even shut the door. Check.. standing between the doors I contemplate on how the fuck should I take my tshirt off without angering the fucker even more and getting bitten again.. O.O

I lifted the tshirt up my back to let it out.. nope, not there..the creepy felling of buzzing around between my shoulder blades continues.. crap.. what to do?!

I stood there & contemplated the task.. ok, roll up the tshirt to the shoulder blades, not against the body (duh) to prevent further stings..tighten the fabric, so it cannot escape, quickly remove the band from the body.. done..reversed the tshirt and straightened it.. bzzz... Fucker fell somewhere.. Dafaq?! Was it really just a wasp?! If yes, no problem...but what if coworker was wrong and I got bitten by that nasty green whateveritsname bug?! Eeeeewwww! Is it poisonous? Gotta find it & kill it for good.. waited a bit, than saw a goddamn wasp crawl from under the toilet.. wasp!! Yess!! Stopm stomp fucker!!

I get dressed & go back to my desk..

C: Did you terminate it?!
M: Yup, fucker went on a toilet paper trip down the drain!!

I sit down, starting to get my headphones back on and proceed to work.., but before I could, one last gem:

C: CTO would say, thank god it didn't sting you in your finger cuz you wouldn't be able to type anymore..

M: O.O so true hahhahahaaa

Disclaimer - I like animals, but I freakking hate wasps..especially if they get under my tshirt to sting.. :/

Rant 2/n; 😎 = me, 💩 = client
The (brief but comprehensive) docs I sent my client contained the following line: "Any text that has not been translated will be highlighted yellow for the admins".

A day later:
💩: "Hey, I like the new design, but why are the titles yellow?"
😎: "They aren't actually yellow. You just see that because you're logged in and they aren't translated"
💩: "But the yellow doesn't look good with the design. Visitors will think it looks unprofessional. Make them not yellow!"
😎: "They won't see the yellow! Only you can see it so you don't miss any translations"
💩: "Hi, I just noticed some of the titles aren't in English. How do I translate them? And they're still yellow."

😐🙁😠😡🤬💥

EXCEL YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT! don't get me wrong, it's usefull and kt works, usually... Buckle up, your i for a ride. SO HERE WE FUCKING GO: TRANSLATED FORMULA NAMES? SUCKS BUT MANAGABLE. WHATS REALLY FUCKED UP IS HTHE GERMAN VERSION!
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT .csv? It stands for MOTHERFUCKING COMMA SEPERATED VALUES! GUESS WHAT SOME GENIUS AT MICROSOFT FIGURED? Hey guys let's use a FUCKING SEMICOLON INSTEAD OF A COMMA IN THE GERMAN VERSION! LET'S JUST FUCK EVERY ONE EXPORTING ANY DATA FROM ANY WEBSITE!

The workaround is to go to your computer settings, YOU CAN'T FUCKING ADJUST THIS IN EXCEL!, change the language of the OS to English, open the file and change it back to German. I mean, come on guys, what is this shit?

AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON ENCODING! äöü and that stuff usually works, but in Switzerland we also use French stuff, that then usually breaks the encoding for Excel if the OS language is set to German (both on Windows and Mac, at least they are consistent...)

To whoever approved, implemented or tested it: FUCK YOU, YOU STUPID SHITFUCK, with love: me

Last year we were given an app to patch that was completely in Arabic (including the documentation). We had a tight deadline to get the app fixed so we paid for a big company to translate the Word document we'd be given.

After 2 weeks we were given the translated documentation only to find it was select recipes from an Egyptian cooking book.

Translated this golden bit from the Norwegian comic "Lunch" for you guys👍🏻

Frame 3:
Kjell: You see? Worn out again!
Tech: I can see that. How about we only replace the keys not working.

Frame 4:
Tech: ctrl + c ... and?
Kjell: V

😁🤓🎉

When I was 14 or so, we had acces to some computers during break. I went through each and every one of them, rebooted into Safe Mode (yeah, Windows), logged in as admin with no password, and gave admin powers to my account (each student had one, at least). Then, installed a keylogger and one of those "trojaans" that let me remote terminal, keyboard and mouse control to all the PCs (I had tried telnet server, but this was soo much easier).

Then came the fun.

"Why does the start menu keep opening by itself?"
"Why is the CD tray opening and closing on its own?"
Etc.

Then I found out social media passwords like (translated from spanish) "bigdicks". Never used them, because I considered myself one of the gray hatted. I did it just for the fun.

"We have this Fortran code that should be translated in that Matlab software, is there a system or a compiler to do that?"
"Yes, that is called a Programmer"

Oh my God...
A colleague of mine got an email. The email was badly translated into our language (probably Google translate was used) it said 'please open invoice attached'.
The anti-virus software successfully marked it as a virus, and did not allow my colleague to open attached 'invoice.exe' file.
Now by this point you would think that the person would just delete the email, but no. The colleague looked at me, and with the bitchiest voice said 'I got an invoice and can't open it after your anti-virus installation. Fix it!'
Needless to say, I had to explain, what a virus is and teach all the colleagues not to get hooked on scam mail... Took about 4 hours to explain this seemingly simple concept.
Fuck knows, how they did not nuke their IT infrastructure before I came here :/

So, I'm living in a completely computer illiterate family and I was called to help my father with something on a Laptop where he wanted to stream his favorite Soccer-Club.

So I walk up to him, ask what's wrong, and he says (roughly translated from German) "That thing doesn't work!"

And I'm just like ((Wat u mean))
So I ask him to explain the problem in detail.
Apparently his streaming service wasn't loading his stream.

Well damn I say, try searching for the problem on Google and find a solution.
((But no no no imma just call my son for everything that's freaking wrong with tech, he sure knows what to do))

As I'm not that experienced with Webservices as of yet, I had no idea what to do.

He was fucking furious!

"You always act like you know everything about tech and programs and stuff and can't even help me with fixing this Stream-Thing?!"

I responded simply by saying "It's not my area of work!"

Seems like he didn't know the difference between TECH-JESUS and hobbyist software engineer.

So I stand there and he just goes on one of these typical boomer tech illiterate rants, of which I'm sure you can imagine enough being on this platform.

tl;Dr; It pisses me of big time how people are not even trying to understand technology, nor attempting to help themselves by eG. Googling some simple problem, but rather just ask around and then being pissed off if the asked person just doesn't know the answer or can't help!

Me as a mobile app developer trying to add a button to a page of a .Net website:
So, what do i need to do?

Web developer:
Oh that's easy. You need to edit that template which produces html, add an event in there that will call a javascript function, which is in a .js file, which is generated from a typescript file. Than you should give that button a style. Simply by opening up that .less file here and adding a class which will be translated to css later. In that c# file over there you add a bundle reference which contains the css and js files, but before that, they must be minified. In that other c# file, you add a controller that handles your button.
Aaand... take care of new js features and css features. Most browsers don't support them. Those cool C#7 features you love so much... not in this project. Our build servers don't support C#7. Those new features are evil anyway.

😭

Google translate translated lorem ipsum into this philosophical nightmare

Today was "one of those days".

So, the state machines were keep on failing. I said fuck it and wrote a simpler loop thing.

Even that failed.

And it took me hours to figure out what was wrong. But I did. Because THERE WAS VIRTUALLY NO FUCKING DOCCO ON THIS SHIT, ANYWHERE ON THE FUCKING ENTIRETY OF THE INTERNET. Hell, I even translated a few pages from Mandarin. Which is ridiculous since I'm working with standard robotic shit. Like, wtf even?

Anywho, I also had a heart attack because the port was not responding. I ran across the building to find the guy who fortunately had another port controller. That didn't work either. Then by the God-given cure of "Turning it off and on again " (it, in this case, being the computers) it worked!

Then I broke the window blinds. It's not coming down anymore.

Like, yeah, thanks, I'll take a weekend and half.

One of my favourite songs. Translated to Python... :-)

What idiot decided to translate the Excel-formulas?! It's impossible to follow an example you find online or to get help on a complex formula without translating it to English first! (Yes, I know there are online translators out there, but still!)

Generally happy about being norwegian but...:
<p>Husk: Du kan ikke bruke ��� i filnavn.</p>

Translated from Norwegian:
"Remember: You can't use ��� in filenames."

Clients who ask for their entire site to be translated into another language, and expect it not to cost a lot. Le sigh

Fucking gnu gettext, fucking .po and .mo files and fuck the fucking poedit. Why in the fucking hell a damn i18n solution used by so many languages doesn't support correctly fucking utf 8 characters in strings inside the code, I mean, WHAT THE FUCK, this is my second day trying to make the fucking Python gettext module to translate the fucking word "está" because I've a fucking big code base programming in Spanish that need to be translated. This is the fucking 2016 and we still have problems with fucking special characters? I mean CMMON

So I have been a fly on the "wall" for last couple of months and never signed up, but now here I am!

Rant is about a serious topic - gender gap in tech industry!!
Couple of months ago Stackoverflow announced developer survey results! I was shocked by demographics results! It was disappointing to see biggest gender gap in general tech industry!
I believe tech industry can be the first one to have equal pay for women!

However.... (bad part)
I was going through my twitter feeds and saw this! Many of you have seen this tweet too.

(ohh!fuck I cant attach multiple images here, I should have created Medium post, fuck it!)

"They" continue, quoting from the tweet.
1)"....bias in society is reflected in AI"
2) "However, I do think it is our responsibility as designers/developers/users to be aware of this bias and do our best to correct it."

I want to rant about 2nd one. Some of you may not like it including grammar naziz!
As a developer/programmer I take 2nd one personally! I am currently at denial phase though!
And I have an OCD so gonna make points here!

1) Seriously tell me please, how the fuck you can write gender bias algorithm which can pass a big crazy amount of test suite?

2) Google has done many things for last decade to overcome gender gap related issues. I have met some of the nicest people from Google, and this is really hard for me to believe that google AI or that team has anything to do with the results!

3) Someone suggests use "they" in google translated result, can you fucking imagine how wrong that would be??? If I am developer working on that algo or even in that team and I see this ticket in jira with highest priority where it says, "make all translated results gender neutral using only they" - I would fucking like to die and may be in my next life ask me to do that, when I am a toddler!

4) I am an advocate for equal pay, equal rights and equal opportunities for everyone to "minify" this gender gap in tech, but showing google translate results of a gender natural language to make a point is wrong, it is simply undermining the efforts of something really helpful thing.

5) Moving on to the core point - What can be done to lower down the gender gap? I have seen amazing women who can code/manage far far far better than what I ever could imagine, and they are at really good place and deserve to be there. Are they doing enough to inspire other women to join tech industry?
Collective efforts are very much required. And need to keep in consideration that tech industry is highly competitive roles are also changing rapidly.

6) Many big companies have women at higher positions(CEO, CFO,....) what are their efforts to bring more women in tech industry?
(Some of you may not like this, as this is implying that it isn't only men's job. )

7) Going slightly political here, everyday we see really disappointing news related to women and their rights and health, I strongly believe women don't have to ask for or even have to mention about "equal rights" about anything. Everyone is equal!!!
This is 2017 and still fucked up!

Thats all for today! Heading for breakfast!

short one.

So my CS course is full of people who can't write a fucking for loop (I shit you not) after more than half a year.
And then there's those that don't know what a return type is.

So I asked them once, after they stated that the course sucks, why they even chose it in the first place.
Freely translated it would be:

"I dunno, I thought we'd be doing cool hacker stuff in here..."

At that point I just wanted to jump out of the window.

Another day, another shitty set of JIRA tickets.

In this week's edition, we run into an issue you'd think is a meme, something you couldn't even make up: three tickets with IDENTICAL titles, but miraculously, they actually refer to three DIFFERENT tasks! (Also comical, they're not bugs, they're tasks, but mouth breathers don't really know the difference, and at this point I just don't have the energy to attempt to explain what could be explained to elementary school children.)

I present a rare look into our national archives!

This document features two exhibits:

Exhibit A: product owner's original ticket titles

Exhibit B: translated-into-competency-because-i'm-not-mentally-deficient ticket titles

Just more proof that 'product owners' don't own shit, the devs are the real ones who actually know what is going on.

I mean just LOOK at Exhibit A's titles. As a big smart manager, do you write those tickets, smile, and say to yourself "Ah, yep, that's very clear, I'll definitely remember what each of these mean literally 5 seconds from now!"

Is asking for literally 30 seconds more of thought too much to ask for? Apparently.

Just kill me

Happy friday ☠️

Bruh, catch everyone on LinkedIn posting about how much they love their company/team.

Translated, these read "Please don't sack me!"

(tl;dr at the bottom)
one day, an old "friend" asked if i would like to be part of a project with their friends to create a site, we had plenty of meetings, my partner and i were excited with this project until we realized that those girls literally wanted a copy-paste from another site, and i mean, exactly the same but translated in google translate. We even asked other developers for their opinion and they said the same, that it was a copypastarino.
so my partner and i talked to them about how we didn't want to be part of a copied project. Those girls went angry and we drop off that.
Yesterday, after almost 7 months, I found you that those girls won an "startup contest" and that they will be traveling to sillicon valley soon to meet a founder and start the business.

ooooh boy...
what would happen if we send an email pointing out that copied-googleTranslated project?
is the industry really that dumb or lazy? i mean, how is that even possible that they haven't found it out?

tl;dr
some girls just google-translated a site, my partner and i didnt want to be involved and now, 7 months later, they are going to sillicon valley to meet a founder and make it real.

this just happened a few seconds ago and I am just laughing at the pathetic site that is Facebook. xD
4 years ago:
So I was quite a noobie gamer/hacker(sort of) back then and i had a habit of having multiple gmail/fb accounts, just for gaming, like accounts through which i can log in all at once in the same poker room, so 4/5 players in the game are me, or just some multiple accounts for clash of clans for donations.
I had 7-8 accounts back then. one had a name that translated to "may the dead remain in peace "@yahoomail.com . it was linked to fb using same initials. after sometime only this and 2 of my main accs were all i cared about.even today when i feel like playing, i sometimes use those accs.

2 years ago.
My dad is a simple man and was quite naive to modern techs and used to hang around with physical button nokia phones.But we had a business change, my father was now in a partnership in a restaurant where his daily work included a lot of sitting job and and casual working. So he bought a smartphone for some time pass.
He now wanted to download apps and me to teach him.I tried a lot to get him his own acc, but he couldn't remember his login credentials.
so at the end i added one of my own fake ID's(maythedead...) so he could install from playstore, watch vids on youtube and whatever.

The Actual Adventure starts now
Today, 1 hour ago:
I had completely forgot about this incident, since my parents are now quite modern in terms of tech.
But today out of nowhere i recieved an email that someone has JUST CHAINGED MY FB PASSWORD FOR ONE OF MY FAKE ACCS!?!??
what the hell, i know it was just a useless acc and i never even check my fb from any acc these days, but if someone could login into that acc, its not very difficult to track my main accs, id's, etc so i immediately opened this fb security portal and that's where the stupidity starts:

1)To recover your account they FUCKIN ASKS FOR A PHYSICAL ID. yeah, no email, no security question you have to scan your driving license or passport to get back to your account.And where would I get a license for some person named "may the dead remain in peace"? i simply went back.
2) tried another hack that i thought that will work.Closed fb help page, opened fb again , tried to login with my old credentials, it says" old password has been changed,please enter new password", i click forget password and they send an otp. i thought yes i won, because the number and recover mail id was mine only so i received it.
when i added the otp, i was first sent to a password change page (woohoo, i really won! :)) but then it sends me again to the same fuckin physical id verification page.FFFFFFFFFuck

3)I was sad and terrified that i got hacked.But 10 mins later a mail comes ,"Your Facebook password was reset using the email address on Tuesday, April 10, 2018 at 8:24pm (UTC+05:30)."
I tried clicking the links attached, hoping that the password i changed(point<2>) has actually done something to account.NADA, the account still needs a physical license to open:/

4) lost, i just login to my main account and lookup for my lost fake account. the fun part:my account has the display pic of my father?!!?!
So apparently, my father wanted to try facebook, he used the fake account i gave him to create one, fb showed him that this id already has an fb account attached to it and he accidently changed my password.MY FATHER WAS THE HACKER THE WHOLE TIME xD.
but response from fb?" well sir, if you want your virtually shitty account back , you first will have to provide us with all details of your bank transactions or your voter id card, maybe trump will like it"

(Dev)Life in the past 12 hours

Oh boy have the last 12 hours been a roller coaster ride for me. Noob me decided to "compile" AoSP for my device to get a taste of how custom ROMs are built from source. Overall it was fun but the errors were a very good excercise for googling, SO. Couple stuff I learnt ( possibly useful for anyone who comes here )
* The shebang line ( #!/usr/bin/env python ) on my system translated to Python 3.7 environment instead of the expected Python 2.7. Best solution I think to avoid confusion is to create a python 2.7 environment and source it.
* Get your trees right. A jar file called WfdCommon.jar ( apparently known as wifi-display common ) was the cause of several hours of hunting the fault. My vendor tree somehow didn't have this file so dex2oat was borking out like mad. I'm still amazed how I figured this one out almost by myself. ( Basically I had to check every file included in the boot class path, and find the odd one )
* I wasted a lot of time in finding the right files to change version numbers and all. Maybe I didn't search XDA properly for a guide ?

Overall it was a fun experience. Also if anyone's experienced in this area could you share resources to learn more about custom ROM development? Specifically on the tweaking part where you mix features from different ROMs to make a great ROM ( like AoSP extended or Pixel Experience ). All I could find were on the zips and not on sources.

Spent 5+ years tolerating the bullshit of this guy (ex boss) and looks like it was a useless addition to my network.

I always got high praise from him and my colleagues and PMs. However, that never translated to good hikes/promotions/any favours of any type. Except for one time I never protested this because I saved the mental stress for other more important things (and that worked out well for me). It allowed me to sort of strut about the place like I own it and that was cool.

But today I needed to encash a favour from this reptile. And it was trivial enough that I thought I could count on that snake. But he did what he always does. Offered a useless alternative to any actual help.
So he helped, tried 'his best' according to 'policy', but I have to refuse it because it's like asking for water but getting air in return. Fucking chode.

So today I was offered a job at the company as a junior frontend developer. Digging a little deeper I found out that they don't have any other frontend devs in house.

So the job offer translated to:
- senior skillset
- senior workload
- junior wage

Best part is that I was freelancing for them in past and was helping to establish some of the workflow a year ago for more money they offered now.

Thanks, no thanks, I guess?

Yesterday I killed a production server with a handful of sites running on it. 😬

Created an observer for one of my Laravel models. It was generating new translated slugs when another post gets translated by an API. While implementing also an updated method besides the created observation I obviously updated the models slug.
Pretty confident this small update will work I just pushed to production. Tested it live.

BOOM

Hard reset on the server redoing the changes. Searching where I fucked up this time...

Finding me observing the updating while updating the updating of the updating by the updating. 🤦

Our employee management system, for some reason, stored Testlists (I work in QA) linked to the user accounts that created them. Now after an colleague who worked there for five years left pretty much all our data was suddenly down the drain and nobody backed the fricking server up because, hey, whats the fun in that. Now all the tests need to be rewritten and other than the whole gui test automation of our product, maintenance of the same for another product, manually testing dev issues and training my new code monkeys to frickin not commit non working code to the trunk I have now also "Make a better Employee management system" (roughly translated those are the specs I've got) on my plate... I can remember back to the care free days of just before my boss asked me if I wanted to try to automate some of the test cases... How did I ever survive this paralyzing tranquility. Ha, surprise.
!rant, I fucking love the stress and juggling a shit ton of problems at the same time keeps ine on edge.

So when code is badly written, more corner cases are unnecessarily introduced. And it’s sometimes tricky to find the corner cases and probably messy to fix the corner cases.
And so the code grows in size as a result. And when these fixes to the corner cases are not well done, they introduce more corner cases.
So what results is a large collection of corner cases. Only corner cases remain when this goes on for a while.
Because of this, every new feature can be effectively translated to a collection of corner cases to be implemented.
As corners grow, triangles become circles and tetrahedrons become spheres.

I live in such a sphere.

When I was in 11th class, my school got a new setup for the school PCs. Instead of just resetting them every time they are shut down (to a state in which it contained a virus, great) and having shared files on a network drive (where everyone could delete anything), they used iServ. Apparently many schools started using that around that time, I heard many bad things about it, not only from my school.
Since school is sh*t and I had nothing better to do in computer class (they never taught us anything new anyway), I experimented with it. My main target was the storage limit. Logins on the school PCs were made with domain accounts, which also logged you in with the iServ account, then the user folder was synchronised with the iServ server. The storage limit there was given as 200MB or something of that order. To have some dummy files, I downloaded every program from portableapps.com, that was an easy way to get a lot of data without much manual effort. Then I copied that folder, which was located on the desktop, and pasted it onto the desktop. Then I took all of that and duplicated it again. And again and again and again... I watched the amount increate, 170MB, 180, 190, 200, I got a mail saying that my storage is full, 210, 220, 230, ... It just kept filling up with absolutely zero consequences.
At some point I started using the web interface to copy the files, which had even more interesting side effects: Apparently, while the server was copying huge amounts of files to itself, nobody in the entire iServ system could log in, neither on the web interface, nor on the PCs. But I didn't notice that at first, I thought just my account was busy and of course I didn't expect it to be this badly programmed that a single copy operation could lock the entire system. I was told later, but at that point the headmaster had already called in someone from the actual police, because they thought I had hacked into whatever. He basically said "don't do again pls" and left again. In the meantime, a teacher had told me to delete the files until a certain date, but he locked my account way earlier so that I couldn't even do it.
Btw, I now own a Minecraft account of which I can never change the security questions or reset the password, because the mail address doesn't exist anymore and I have no more contact to the person who gave it to me. I got that account as a price because I made the best program in a project week about Java, which greatly showed how much the computer classes helped the students learn programming: Of the ~20 students, only one other person actually had a program at the end of the challenge and it was something like hello world. I had translated a TI Basic program for approximating fractions from decimal numbers to Java.
The big irony about sending the police to me as the 1337_h4x0r: A classmate actually tried to hack into the server. He even managed to make it send a mail from someone else's account, as far as I know. And he found a way to put a file into any account, which he shortly considered to use to put a shutdown command into autostart. But of course, I must be the great hacker.

I have a coder friend...
Here's a translated conversation. (read original one followed)
She: Watcha doin?
Me: Foolishness.
She: Means what are you making?
Me: A fool.

Original--
She: Kya kar rahe ho?
Me: Chutiyapa
She: Matlab kya bana rahe ho?
Me: Chutiya :/

I'm here in my bed. I can't sleep and in less than 5 hours I will have an important exam. I was thinking that a few months ago I went to a IT company as a school program. I would have to stay there for 2 weeks and "work" for them.

Upon arrival, the guy who had to monitor me gave me a sheet of paper with 5 alghoritmic problems to solve. He tells me to use java and hands me a laptop. naturally with windows. I try to look for some ideas but I can not find anything. I go to the control panel and search for something. Obviously there is a lot of bloatware and nothing catches my attention. then strangely I find something called oracle ... something ... but when trying to open it it gives me an error.

Fuck me. I decided to open notebook(normal one not ++ or something) and start solving the problems trying to remember the names of the methods and the classes based on what I had learned in school. then the guy comes back and looks at me puzzled. I tell him I did not find any IDE for java and the only one I found seem to give me an error. The guy double clicks and the program opens...fucking shit... He tells me to finish the problems and goes away perplexed. I copy the code from notepad to the IDE, I check the errors, I run it and the add some comments and I call the guy. he looks at the code, says that everything seems fine and then assigns me other things to do.

Now. HOW FUCKING STUPID MUST SOMEONE BE TO THINK THAT WRITING JAVA IN NOTEPAD IS A VIABLE CHOICE, AMONG ALL THE POSSIBLE SANE CHOICES I COULD HAVE MADE LIKE TRY TO UNDERSTAND THE ERROR OF THE IDE OR CALL THE GUY... NO. MY LITTLE SHOTTY FUCKING BRAIN DECIDED THAT NOTEPAD WAS A GOOD CHOICE. IF I COULD GO BACK IN TIME IN THE SAME MOMENT THAT I OPENED NOTEPAD I WOULD BITCH SLAP MYSELF SO HARD THAT I WOULD LOSE MY SOULD AND THE LAST 2 NEURON THAT MADE THAT SHITTY CHOICE. I WOULD BITCH SLAP MYSELF SO HARD THAT THE KINETIC ENERGY PRODUCED WOULD COLLAPSE THE UNIVERSE ITSELF. AND FROM THE DARKNESS A NEW UNIVERSE WILL BE BORN. A UNIVERSE WHERE THERE IS NO JAVA OR WINDOWS. A UNIVERSE WHERE MY 2 NEURONS WOULD HAVE MADE THE SHITTIEST DUMBEST CHOICE EVER IN A I LAST MISERABLE SELF DESTRUCTIVE ATTEMPT.

but then I come on devrant and I read about people who did thing worse than writing java on notepad and then everything is fine

PS my English is so bad I had to use Google translate, write an original version, translate it and do a side by side comparison with my translated version to check If I could improve something. Don't now If It improved the quality or not...

Well that would probably be my classmate. He sucks at programming but I wanted him to do at least something. So I dictated him code he should simply type down: "for ( blah foo colon foos ) { ..." And he's like "for ( blah foo .. foos ) {". Colon means " Doppelpunkt" in German which means "double dot" if translated literally. So he wrote ".." instead of ":".

Fuck meh

We had today a meeting in management that ended in a discussion about prevention instead of crisis and risk management.

Or to make it bit simpler: prevention instead of treatment.

In IT / management / government, treatment is usually the way - you let the crisis happen, despite knowing it could have been prevented, and treat the damage / crisis.

Needless to say, the discussion escalated like usual.

It's funny how managers are able to put sentences like: "it's important to have quality assurance like prevention but staying within budget should be priority" (loosely translated from German, it's hard - sorry)...

You mean the budget that exploded and quadrupled in size because you dumb fuckers pay no attention to quality assurance? Or the additional cost of hardware, maintenance etc. to compensate for the fuckups regarding performance evaluation and regression testing?

"We cannot prevent everything nor anticipate everything, it's safer to deal with an estimated risk than with the unknown"...

"But we'd need to invest in ..., which reduces value"

I could give more details, but I think the point is clear... the discussion became quite heated and the longer it went on, the more I wanted to have an morphine drop with suicide option...

Why do people hate prevention so much?

Is the concept that hard to understand? You prevent things to not deal with crisis.

You invest to prevent loss.

It's just one of these weeks where the only happiness consists of tipping the delivery guy with 20 % plus and getting an honest smile.

:(

So I am interning at this company, and I am Coding in Go.
Now I don't have much exp with go so I'm learning it, and all of my team is cool cause they also had to learn Go. Anyways I am just petty intern-dev so everyone and everything is cool.

Migrating from python to go is quite hard.

Unlearn, You must.

What I have imagined Go, to be is:
While python has this top down approach to inheritance and polymorphism, Go has bottom up approach.
In Python child classes are derived from parent class but In Go child classes create a parent class. (this might be totally wrong, but that's how I've imagined golang)

Go is static wrt dynamic python.

I have coded in C for 1.5 years then I switched to python, so I feel that am familiar with static typing. The path that lies ahead of me shouldn't be too hard.

I would like to take a step further and say that Golang is C, but with modern syntax/semantics. It derives many of its features from newer langs like js, Python, etc while being a compiled language which translated directly to machine code.

That's all 😊

My team members are really great and supportive, I am about 10 years younger than them but we still connect and sync.

Everything is Great, Life is Good ❤️

When I was 12 I created my own LEGO manuals and monopoly boardgame variants.
When I was 14 and into gaming I had fun playing with a Q3 level editor for Wolfenstein (GtkRadiant), and drew boardgame maps.
When I was 16 I translated the game battledawn.com to French for in-game currency in return.
When I was 18 I fiddled with texture packs for Minecraft and got interested in Total War mods.
When I was 20 I met a student who studied webdev & design. I was so excited about basic HTML, CSS and later JS and PHP, that I read and learnt some every evening (and even failed an exam because I was learning PHP until 5AM)

I always wanted to use my skills to create something of use to others. Open-source is the perfect avenue for that and is also what enabled me to get here in the first place. And though I m've been professionally employed as dev since 2015, only the last 2 yrs I finally consider myself skilled enough to give back something of quality :)

There's a russian guy that's absolutely cracking my balls. He proposed to translate one of my apps and I said ok. When he sent me the translated version, I published it and everything was ok. Now he sent me another file saying that this one is the real final one. I said him I will change it in the next release, but now he started send me emails and he downvoted the app. FUCK OFF. I AM THE DEVELOPER, I DO WHAT I WANT. The guy is also very rude.

Why the fuck do people at certain universities and colleges think they have to translate programming related expressions? They sound extremely stupid and often misleading for someone who studied CS in English.

I had an interview recently at a company where the interviewer, who most likely studied at one of those unis, asked questions in our native language and I had to ask for clarification multiple times because of this shit. Now they probably think I'm not even familiar with some of the basics. 😤

How important is understanding heap vs stack memory allocation?

Who knows--I'm a python developer after all.

Also I completed by first alife simulation. Took me from 7 pm yesterday to 10.30am this morning.

Feels good. I'm at the part of familiarity with the language that my thoughts are pretty much directly parsed and translated into code, without any effort.

Alife's just for the standard math shitposting though. Was fun regardless.

So at work, there is this class/model thing that's for storing translated strings. It also supports n-level nested macros, cascading lookup (e->d->c->b->a->blank), and I've added transforms too. The code is a bloody mess and very inefficient (legendary dev's code), but it's useful.

You call methods with a symbol representing one of the strings, and it does... whatever you ask, like return text, booleans, expand macros and submacros, pass in data to interpolate, etc.

But I just learned something today.
Its `.html` method... doesn't support html. In fact, calling it strips out all html, takes whatever is left, and attempts to convert that back into html. Because that makes so much sense. So, if you have an html string? Don't call html on it.

Also, macros use the same <angle brackets> as html tags, and macro expansion eats unknown macros, so... you can't mix html and macros, meaning you cannot inject values into your markup. That's a freaking joy to work around. (You end up writing a parser every time.)

So no, if you have an html string, you need to get the raw data out and handle it yourself. Don't reach for that shiny .html method; it'll just ruin your day.

It's the little things that make my day so terribly long.

In my opinion, russian nation's chronic inability to fight oppressive regimes is partly attributed to one interesting quirk the russian language has.
When talking about injustice committed against someone, or making threats to commit said injustice, the actor is completely omitted.
Here's an example:
“Надо будет — найдут”, roughly translated to “they could find you if they wanted to”, is a common phrase to use when talking about proxies, VPNs and other online privacy measures. But the word “they” in English translation is nowhere to be found in the original text! Let's examine the literal translation:
- “надо будет” — “the need will arise”
- “найдут” — “will find you”
The English phrase “they could find you if they wanted to” can be easily challenged with a simple question: “Who's they?” The government? The corporates? The regime? The CIA? Who exactly?

English language can mimic that with passive voice: “you are being watched”, “you are an easy target”, etc. But in active voice, you can't avoid using “they” or some other actor.
In russian, you can. And you will. Indeed, this is how russian people converse. It's a very specific, very common pattern that never really changed.

It's a very powerful thought-terminating cliché built straight into the language. You can't fight an enemy that has no name and no word to describe it, not even a euphemism. The very language you THINK in prevents you from analyzing the entities that oppress you.

In a Tom Scott Plus video where he tried tightrope walking, he learned that they don't say the “F-word” — “fall”. You can't say “I'm afraid I'll fall”. You have to find more specific alternatives like “I'm afraid I'll lose balance”. The word “fall” in this context is a thought-terminating cliché. There is no going back after you “fall”. But if you “lose balance”, you can “regain balance” — the lack of a thought-terminating cliché promotes problem-solving.

Russian language is the same, but in soviet russia, language terminates you, I guess.

At least they translated it, so I know what I have to pretend to see here...

Client wants some CMS text to be automatically translated. So I checked and Google seems to have a solution for that. I thought to to be as simpel as doing a request and parsing the response. That's how API's work, right?

No. First I must create an account, that account must have a credit card, then I need to setup credentials, the default ones working with path variables, an API key... etc etc etc.

I feel so stupid for just not understanding their docs. I'm just a dude that installs a CMS and makes pretty CSS for it. I've worked with REST APIs before (Mollie, Carerix) but none of them ever demanded the level of knowledge and setup the Google Translate API demands.

Am I just a bad developer or is this shit just too complex for your average web developer?

Google really fucked up with localization for Flutter!
We need to create a getter for each translated string? For real!!

Please tell me I understood it wrong :|

On the Dutch version of Linkedin the word 'like' is translated to 'interesting'

I like to imagine thousands of people giving each other 'thinking' emoji's (🤔) all day long

Today I finally experienced the power of something I learned in university: propositional and predicate logic.

Many developers I know think that such education is useless. Well, today I have proven that it is very useful. On a day to day basis, working on banking software, complexity in purely logic is very low. However, we have a screen that must show or hide elements based on some input values and conditions associated with certain elements. How hard can that be, right? Well, there are many variables to take into account and as such it's absolutely not trivial.

This screen didn't work properly and maintaining the code is hard as there is a lot of logic to show/hide, enable/disable things and so on. After quite some time and attempts by fellow developers, I decided to refactor the whole thing. I'm responsible for the quality of the software and it was quite degrading, so I had to do something.

In order to get things working properly, I defined collections of constants (ui elements) and predicates. Then, I defined for which element what predicates must be true, in order to hide/show, disable/enable etc. I then translated these predicates into code. And guess what? It works! Of course it works. It's logic. But I'm very pleased I finally could actually use some of all the math I studied!

So today in class, we had the task of presenting poems, for whatever godforsaken reason.

I finished mine last minute and guess who's been the lucky student who had to read theirs.

It then included things such as, roughly translated from german.

Hey actually I could use the translate bot for this but can't be bothered.

"Roses are red, violets are blue, I can't rhyme and neither can you"
"Roses are dead, violets are dead, democracy is dead"
"Roses are red, violets are red, everything is red, communism"
"Roses are red, violets are red, blood is red, god is dead"

Then I finished up with a Nietzsche quote "God is dead, god remains dead and we have killed him. How shall we comfort ourselves yadda yadda"

Actually didn't get fucked over by the teach.
Course and teach quite liked it apparently, can someone explain to me why that is?

Cause I genuinely do not understand what could be likable about such 0815 garbage that's just memes?

REST service documentation translated in italian language.

"arricciare" => curl
"biscotto" => cookie

Sherlock Holmes' "It's never twins" translated for programmers is "It's never a bug in the language"

So some of @ewpratten's rants just inspired me to tell my story of a somewhat ignorant teacher.

So we had an english class, it was abou Nelson Mandela or something, but I was sitting and learning about apache2(well I first learned about ncurses in python but since there was a command for restarting the apache server it got me curious, as usual). When she said something along the lines of(translated from.my language): "Then you read the text about Nelson Mandela, but other people are programming!". I was about to say that I was actually not programming, but setting up an apache server, but that would have been a dick move since she at least didn't accuse me for hacking.

What retarded way of writing a json feed is this? what the fuck!

Each product in the feed is translatable, but instead of creating a new object in the feed with the translated content, there's an additional field pointing to a language code (this applies to all translateable fields).
Then each translatable field is appended the number which matches the number appended to the language field containing the desired language code.

In addition to that, the keys doesn't have any sensible meaning, but appearently they abide by som obscure "GS1 / GDSN" standard.

So for each "distinct" field I have to look up the definition of that key

If just the language code and the actual value keys was grouped together.. but no, the feed is ordered by the number after the 'D'.

Yeah for being stuck with something that looks like infinite scrolling, because one product object is fucking gigantic.

FUCKING INSANE MANIAC PIECE OF TRASH.
@#%!#€&

So I'm finally doing the job I was hired to do 2 years ago, with the promise of working 1.5 years ago, and scheduled to work 1 year ago as the project slips about a 1.25 years.

The project is on it's 3.5th year of a 3 year plan and based on the architecture of the project, the project architect started a degree in software architecture 4 years ago. In Latin. When his first language was Japanese and his second was Indian English while this was a US company. And his entire degree was in Lisp, PHP, and html, this project is in C#, and his professional background is in Fortran.

This is a man who is no longer on the project, not allowed to contribute or talk to us about the project, and what little documentation he left us is in Swahili translated from Korean via Google translate from the second year Korean language major exchange student from Russia who got really into meth and Telenovelas.

It is every version of MV* without the M and with every definition of * including some he made up and some that have only been proven to exist via machine learning algorithm written in SQL statements.

This project represents an implementation of the presentation tier of an n-tier application, yet attempts to reimplement the other n-1 tiers in html5 and the dreams of children.

The new lead is a former engineer that couldn't begin coding until he figured out how to map all of his variables to his former cars and girlfriends inclusively and learned his management skills from the big book of micro managers and that one time everyone else in the office was sick but the intern. Who now has a girlfriend whom he works 200 feet from so he isn't 100% thinking with his largest head. At least from observation.

Yet, I still can't bring myself to go be with the whales/become an accountant.

I'll try to pay back some smaller credit by one large credit...

Hence I need to contact the banks and get one (!) fucking frigging stupid piece of paper which lists the account number and the amount of money I need to pay back.

Sounds simple ...

Well.

One bank just answered my email request by sending me that piece of paper. Except they didn't have any validation of my identity.

Yes. They answered the request of 'I want to pay back the credit in full, can u send me the necessary documents?' (more formal of course) with confidential data without any more credibility than my email address.

YAY.

Another bank requests a telephone call for identity validation and sending back a signed form via postal service...

Another bank just needs a PDF sent via mail with an electric signature (yeah. They were aware of what that means - I was shocked and confused) or a "qualified signature matching previous documents" (translated from German).

The last one offers a WhatsApp number - send a GIF / JPG or video and we answer directly.

I need to reach a higher state than drunk.

It's not funny to know how confidential data gets mistreated by companies who should have the highest security.

For those of you scared of the ZOMG imminent threat of AI.....

In Spanish, in particular to the way it is spoken in Mexico, we know curly hair to be called "chino" or "chinos" in certain places. This is funny because Chino is actually what we call Chinese people.

So. The other day I mentioned in a friend of mine's post the text "pinches chinos" in regards to the pain of having curly hair(which I also have) during windy days.

FB being the retarded piece of shit that it is took it as hate speech, pinches chinos can be roughly translated to "fucking curly hair" in this regard, but because FB is retarded as all fuck it took it as me spewing some hate speech again'st their Chinese overlords.

I normally wouldn't give a fuck, if it weren't because one of my friends is celebrating their birthdays today and I can't post shit on his wall due to me being on facebook jail.

I have known this dude since I was 6, currently 29, but no, FB decided that I was some racist prick somehow and because of that I can't go ahead and post something to him. Its fine, I was still capable of calling him and celebrating with my boy, but still.

An AI will not be able to detect the difference between a fucking cat and a lion, it is shitty technology, it is interesting because of the math behind it, but seriously, not something to be scared about, skynet is far from coming into existence.

Fuck FB and fuck people scared about AI and deep learning

"Design must be functional and functionality must be translated into visual aesthetics, without any reliance on gimmicks that have to be explained." - Ferdinand A. Porsche

Server behaved weird and I couldn't find out why. Nothing on the logs.

As a personal side project, I've translated the whole project to Scala. Boom! FileNotFoundException. There was an incorrect path somewhere.

I still don't know why Java did not throw.

Marketing material for a RasPi-based device that, supposedly, secures all your traffic from hackers by (translated) "encrypting traffic to your router" and "sharding and dispersing your data, so nobody can read it".

Stay tuned to see what it actually does (waiting for an email reply from it's creator)

The longer I work in my department, the more I grow to appreciate clients that actually know what they are doing. Or clients who have been communicating with us for so long that the emails got a little less strict and formal.

Having a client write something like "I know this mail looks scary long, but trust me, its just a few domain edits, nothing horrible" (freely-translated from my native language) just kinda... Sets me at ease and makes me chuckle.

On the MSc I was participating in, there is a teacher that has a lesson about Databases.

The MSc was not only for experience computer science students. We were informed that the first semester would be as an introduction to all.

So, Databases. No introduction at all. Just read the powerpoint and the pdf he had just translated (or not, because some were just from the internet), just refers to how they are structured briefly. He showed everything about Databases without the students that didn't know much to be involved (we didn't get to our lab for some reason) and then there was his assignment.

His assignment was written as it would be from a customer that knows shit about Databases (sorry but I had to rant). We sat down student's that knew already Databases and some of us worked as database engineers. We agreed on some steps that after read the next chapter of the assignment we reconfigured them. And so on, until we had nothing and we were back at the beginning.

Needless to say, I did not lose my Christmas holidays for him. It took me 2 days after to build a database that was not a full solution but a part (I wad noy sure, the assignment was ambiguous). I passed the lesson with the minimum passable grade.

So, I wrote a nice email to the MSc teacher that had to organize it (or something like that). I did not swear at all. I was professional and wrote what I encountered and what it should have been. The Databases teacher had always that smirk and face that he was THE boss and had no respect for his own lesson. But I didn't mention it. The organizing teacher shared the email with the databases teacher.

And the time came that we had another lesson (web development, it was awful under him) with the databases teacher. And he had the wonderful idea to read the email out loud in front if everyone. He did noy mention my name. I raised my hand and told my colleagues it was me. Then I asked him in front of them, if he was contented with the results (only a few passed the databases lesson and max grade was the smallest passable), first he avoided the question. I asked again. And he said yes. We all looked at each other and somehow knew. No one spoke and I didn't push because I didn't want to take the web lesson's hours for this. It was just hopeless.

From there on, the teachers said we were their best class ever but the most complaining one. They didn't even bother to analyze the "complaints".

So, there you go. One of the lot of those teachers.

To the developer of jobomas.com (I sent this while I canceled my account):

Seriously, a platform that confirms my password in clear text in an email is a risk for my privacy and data.

One more story: I wanted to change gender to male and you asked me for my phone number, birthday etc. (required form fields)?

I should be able to decide myself what I want to share with you and what not!

This platform isn't even fully translated to english (Gender selection for example...).

Consider hiring a UX-Designer so I don't press cancel, when I want to cancel my account.... what a finish, sigh!

Dear Devs,

after a bunch of years of exp I thought I would start to write a blog / write articles about dev-things. Small helper articles we all know :)

So 2 questions:

1) What is a good way to start it? Can anyone write for Medium.com? Or make your own website? Wordpress (never used wordpress before btw).

2) I think my english is too bad or a professional article about development - so I would write them in my native language (German) and want to have them translated by a native speaker. Where to find such people without paying a hugh amount each article?

This morning, I decided I'm gonna do some Android development. I opened Android Studio (closing 2 Firefox windows to reclaim enough RAM), launched the Android Emulator and then proceeded with my coding.
Since, I've almost finished a prototype app, translated a good 100 strings, had lunch, updated 2 server and THE EMULATOR IS STILL BOOTING!
My Android dev friend tells me this "just happens sometimes". WHAT?!?
I'm genuinely starting to think that good software doesn't exist anymore...

Thought we needed a type of badly translated t-shirt art

I am currently lost in translation.
Damn, standardization are important.

I am working on integration of biggest payment company in Japan. Their technical guys doesnt know much Emglish.
Their documention of APIs were literally translated into english without any standardization by their dev guys.

And now I am trying to map what they mean in standard terms.

Psst I no english speaker.

What it's like to be a network
engineer...translated into normal people speak
User: I think we are having a major road issue,

Me: What? No, I just checked, the roads are
fine. I was actually just on the roads.

User: No, I'm pretty sure the roads are down
because I'm not getting pizzas.

Me: Everything else on the roads is fine. What
do you mean you aren't getting pizzas?

User: I used to get pizzas when I ordered
them, now I'm not getting them. It has to be a
road issue.

Me: As I said, the roads are fine. Where are
you getting pizzas from?

User: I'm not really sure. Can you check all
places that deliver pizzas?

Me: No I don't even know all the places that
deliver pizza. You need to narrow it down.

User: I think it is Subway.

Me: Okay, I'll check...No, I just looked and
Subway doesn't deliver pizzas.

User: I'm pretty sure it is Subway. Can you just
allow all food from Subway and we can see if
pizza shows up?

Me: Sigh, fine I've allowed all food from
Subway, but I don't think that is the issue.

Usher: Yeah I'm still not getting pizza. Can you
check the roads?

Me: It's not the roads, the roads are fine. I'm
pretty sure Subway isn't the place.

User: Okay, I found it. It's Papa Johns.

Me: Okay, I looked and Papa Johns does
deliver pizza. Is it the local Papa Johns or one
in a different town?

User: I don't know. Can you allow pizza from
all Papa Johns to me?

Me: No I can't do that. Can you get me an
address for Papa Johns?

User: No, I only know it as Papa Johns. Can
you get me all the addresses of all Papa Johns
and I'll tell you if one of them is correct?

Me: No, I don't have time for that. Okay, I
looked at the local one and it looks like they
have sent you pizza in the past and they are
currently allowed to send you pizzas. Try
ordering a pizza while I watch.

Usher: Yeah still no pizza. I'm guessing they
are getting blocked at the freeway. Can you
check the freeway to make sure they can get
through?

Me: No, this is a local delivery. They aren't
even using the freeway.

User: Okay, well then it has to be a road issue,

Me: No, the roads are fine. Okay, I just drove
from the Papa Johns to the address they have
on file for you and there is nothing there.

User: Hmm, wait we did move recently.

Me: Did you give your new address to Papa,
Johns?

User: No, I just thought they would be able to
look me up by name.

Me: No they need your new address. What's
your new address?
User: I'm not really sure. Can you look it up?

Me: Sigh, give me a second...Okay, I found
your address and gave it to Papa Johns. Try
ordering a pizza now.

User: HEY! PIZZA JUST SHOWED UP!
Me: Okay, good.

User: (To everyone else they know) I apologize
for the delay in the pizza but there was a major
road issue that was preventing the pizza from
getting to me. The network engineer has fixed
the roads and we are able to get pizza again.

Me: But it wasn't the roads...whatever.

User: Oh, can you also check on an issue
where Chinese food isn't getting to me? think
it may be a road issue

rant && what do you think?

so one of our ISP (Orange Slovakia) had troubles with service for like two days. Their DNS servers translated domains to IPs reaaally slow or not at all. So when i saw the dns error in chrome (yes i use chrome and not quantum) I changed my dns to google dns and ignored it.

Two days later when the service was back up and running, this ISP went to the local media and made a statement "we had a DDOS attack, no user data were harmed, blabla" that was when my BS radar went bananas... so somebody DDOSd your DNS server ... for two fucking days straight... this is probably a lie or they have really noob engineers (or both).

I'm not an expert on network services or routing, or servers but, how about turning off this server, IP and setting up a backup on a different IP ? Possibly anyone here with experience how to handle DDOS? Whats the chance of this happening? i'm really curious

!dev philosophical

Quality vs Opinion

I have a feeling that these things have always been at odds with each other and now with the constant connectedness it has just become more apparent that most people don’t understand the difference (or even realize there is a difference for that matter)

Let’s face it. Most people have awful taste. They listen to whatever new music their radio station decides was hot. They watch whatever show everyone else is watching. They are manipulated by large scale news organizations...

Basically, most people are sheep.

The problem is that sheep are a dangerous combination of loud and stupid. Giving these loud stupid sheep a platform to amplify their voice is a bad idea for a society, but a great tool for the pigs to manipulate them.

“Frightened though they were, some of the animals might possibly have protested, but at this moment the sheep set up their usual bleating of "Four legs good, two legs bad," which went on for several minutes and put an end to the discussion.”

This isn’t confined to one political party or view, it isn’t geographic, it isn’t based on education, it isn’t based on wether a person is ethical or not...

It’s universal.

You can translate “four legs good, two legs bad” into Agent Orange and his followers chanting “lock her up” just as well as it could be translated into the angry leaders of the modern feminist movement.

In both cases (both on opposite ends of the ethical spectrum) you have the loudest dumb, angry sheep getting the even dumber sheep to chant along, wether it is good for them or not.

Now to loop this back. The problem is that dumb sheep are emotional. They truly believe that they are NOT dumb and that their opinions and emotions are a measure of quality.

I FEEL bad, and you are talking to me, so you must BE bad.

I don’t LIKE this amazingly well made movie, so it must BE bad.

And anyone else who has a different opinion is just wrong. Anyone who try’s to explain the merits of the other side is either my enemy or is stupid.
^^^
Their opinion, incorrect.

————

Now for the tough part...

Most likely, based on probability, you are a sheep.

Yes, you! The smartest person you know. The guy/girl who has a degree or masters of a PHD. The person who builds amazing software. You! Are. A. Sheep. And you are dangerous to the world.

To put a cherry on top.

No, you opinions are not important. Your feelings are fucking meaningless. Your morals are worthless. Your voice has as much value and a loose asshole fart from a fat guy trapped in a deep well in Siberia.

But don’t get down about this. It’s doesn’t make you any less of a person. Remember that almost every person who has ever lived in history has been a sheep. They have chanted one useless, dangerous, misguided, harmful chant after another through the ages.

————

To those of you who try not to be sheep. Just keep trying to get a little better every day. When someone says...

“We do it this way because we have always done it this way”

... be skeptics. Explore the merits and logic of the situation.

And if you are tired of being led by stupid sheep then save some money, build something cool and start your own business.

Just remember, you will always need the sheep. They will be your employees, your friends, your bosses, your investors etc.

Treat them well, don’t hate them, and if you ever find yourself leading a pack of sheep then try to keep a healthy distance from their chanting while leading them down the right path.

They will thank you for it in the end.

———

PS. For those of you thinking “this is very judgemental and self centred”

All I can do is to try to speak your language....

Baaaahhhhh, baaahhhhh, bahhhhh

Which translates form sheep to human as...

“Eat a dick. Have a nice day”

So, working on real multi language support today I was searching for countries and country-codes. Yes this one is easy peasy. Also easy if you want every countryname in your supported languages.
But why is there no source for the states or provinces translated in every language. It's so hard to find...
Anyone knows a source for it? Is it worth to create a project for such translations?

My last rant with example of usefull PHP function in old inhouse CRM software was somewhat popular, so I decided to post more stuff. This time we look at the login function. Besides obvious problem of SQL injection (that i of course tested) we have two calls to the same 'poslednji_login()' method (translated to english - 'last login') that actually just returns current time, not the last login time... twice...

HOLY FUCKING SHIT
WHY IS THIS CLASS SO FUCKING FULL OF INCORRENT INFORMATIONS?????????

I've started university last year ( 2017) and I got a class named "Basics of Informational Communication Technologies" and it's so freaking bad...
The book is obviously just an english book translated to our language and signed by the proffesor. I've been trying to study it right now but it's so frustrating and I'm just 15 minutes into reading. HTML is not a programming language, viruses are not always under 4 kb, source codes are not always based on classes and so on....
Not to mention so many badly explained stuff that could be explained soooo much better and simpler...

How do I deal with this?

@all Next year I wanted to start a project, in which a neural network lerns programming out of a plaintext documentation... Eg: when u click on the button, a messagebox says helloworld gets translated into...

Connect (somestuf)

Fucntion
Showmessage (blablabl)

... For this I would need many people who actually help me out by giving thu neural network examples... Who would be interested in helping that project?? Itwould mean, that u first write that docs and then get the compiled file xD

So tired of app developers localizing app information with Google Translate. Use a real person that can READ AND WRITE IN THE FUCKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE or scrap the entire translation and do marketing in English. And Google? Why the fuck do you allow people to embarrass themselves by providing machine translated SHIT in the Store Listing options?

Some gems found on Google Play Store, translated from Norwegian to English the way I as Norwegian interpret them.

Reddit: Reddit is a collection of bank interest rate society: cats, piks, politics and more.

eBay: Offer, to buy, to sell. Turn pages offering and save on clothes Sjoeping, used cars and more

Huuuge Casino: New social castls and casino a sensation! Now play FREE!

And finally, devRant 😂: Social networks to get a contact with other developers than funny qalz about tekk.

Me in Backend dev contract. Everything worked great because I translated simple themes and worked with modules.

Did some work as full stack to same agency as a favor. Mostly frontend work but ok.

Now being judged as a frontend despite my multiple protests of not being a frontend developer. Nor do I have any interest in improving my skills as one.

It's now affecting my mental health and physical health. Thinking about not renewing that contract.

This is for the swedish: I saw a while ago a dialog in Adobe Acrobat where the title was: "Närmaste nerladdning chef". (~"Closest downloading boss")

Probably auto translated from "Closest downloading manager"

We've reached a point where every fucking thing is made so gosh darn easy... It's impossible to do something else with said thing.

Vue.js in typescript which will be translated with webpack for web?

How about fuck u?

Setting up a task with windows task scheduler is fucking confusing if you need time-based repetition. At least if you're not doing it in english. Some options seem like the same thing, some are probably badly translated.

How does Spring Boot/Data create a MongoClient/Template Bean to a **remote** database that requires password, certs, other configs?

These would be set in application properties but how does it get translated to the Beans?

I went through a lot of examples is like @Autowired MongoClient client

And then they just use it.

And I'm like wtf?

If Google was created in this criminal ai era, we would have been getting charged tokens and credits for each search, map distance covered or words translated

I'm parsing the results from a hierarchical database query to make it compatible with another hierarchical database. Specifically, I'm parsing user created notes from a pipe-delimited CSV that was translated from the query result. Everything runs smoothly. I send my output to be processed through our batch system. Everything checks out as expected.

A couple blank notes throw exceptions, but I knew that was going to happen. Then suddenly, I read "Cannot create note with unprintable characters"
Okay?

Somehow this person had been able to type the Ash (æ) character and an accented A (à) this came from a system that didn't even support characters outside of alphanumerics. How?

Tl;Dr:
The new windows subsystem for Linux might severely slow compilation time for me.

Microsoft is releasing a preview of WSL 2 which works fundamentally different to WSL 1, which I currently use.

For those who don't know, WSL (or Windows Subsystem for Linux) used to be a compatibility layer, which "translated" Linux syscalls to Windows syscalls. This enables the execution of Linux applications on Windows. The new WSL (WSL 2) doesn't do any of that, instead, it is a highly optimised Virtual Machine.

So don't get me wrong from a performance point of view there is no Issue, RAM and CPU usage is truly astonishingly small and performance of Linux applications is much improved over WSL 1.

BUT, apparently, accessing files stored on Windows through Linux is now piss slow.

Great, truly outstanding.

Why is this a problem? Well, I use WSL to develop c++ Linux applications using CLion, the way this works is that you set up an ssh server in WSL, which CLion uses to do compilations.

One _needs_ to have the project files stored on Windows as otherwise CLion on Windows can't access them.

If I wanted a Linux VM I would have installed one.

Urgh.

don't you just hate, when this happens? translated from Slovak we call this "the system of the falling shit" you know this under "hot potato"

email:
from: marketing coworker
to: senior dev 1
* asks for a lot of stuff, deadline yesterday, high priority, on a site for which the jenkins build is crashing every once in a while, because we are migrating all the time so some folders are already deleted or not created yet and the build config is really strict *

forwarded from: senior dev 1
@senior dev 2

forwarded from: senior dev 2
@senior dev 3

forwarded from: senior dev 3
@junior me

ಠ_ಠ fuck me i guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

'Now listen up interns: Roughly translated the following server reads as 'bag of shit-IBM''

a) No documentation. At least you know from the start where you are.

b) Light documentation. At least you might have an API reference or something

c) Badly translated but complex documentation. Had this when I worked for a car manufacturer. Docs were badly translated and actually gave you a dangerously wrong or opposite description of what things really did. It was mental!

Se puede postear Rants en español latam o es recomendable publicarlos en inglés?

Translated:
You can post Rants in Spanish latam or advisable to publish in English?

ni'o lei temci cu flecu pe'a .i la .varik. cu jdika le ka lo nu ce'u fanva fi le glibau fo la .lojban. cu zmadu lo nu ce'u glibau ciska je ba'e nai cu fanva fo la .lojban. kei le ka ce'u xi re frili ce'u
.i le su'o prenu cu xusra ko'a goi le du'u to'e frili fa lo nu jimpe fi lo selci'a be la .varik. be'o poi xe fanva fo la .lojban. .i ku'i la .varik. cu toltu'i fi ko'a

Time "flows". The extent of that (the extent of that (VARIK finds that translating from Lojban and to English is easy) is greater than the extent of that (VARIK finds that writing English stuff and not translating is easy)) increases.
Some prenu assert that difficult is that reads VARIK's writing which is translated from Lojban and to English. But VARIK disagrees.

College writes a API documentation. Refuses do use markdown or simple HTML. We need to use a custom php class.

Each paragraph is a protected function with an array of multiple languages (never gets translated anyway...)

Drupal developers...

I'm a frontend developer maybe i'm missing the point, can someone enlighten me please.

!rant

Software development has acquired some interesting jargon over the years, but I keep wondering if other languages and cultures have commonplace expressions for what can be translated as "improvisation-oriented programming" or "hammering code" (i. e. hacking something in a brutish way)

Developing a WP site that is English by default but will need a French translation that can be switched over to when needed...basically just a duplicate site with translated content...any idea on which plugins are best for this?

Find an error on line 69... start to giggle....

In dutch a "line" as in "error on line .." can be translated to "regel"

And in dutch "regel" can have two meanings.
Line and Rule.

Error on line 34.

Reading out loud in Dutch: "Error op regel 34"
translated to:

Error on rule 34. Launching out loud and thinking of the possibility.

Will i ever mature...

The joys of being a multi-project, multi-language developer! You think you'll juggle a couple of balls, but suddenly you're in a full-blown circus act, with chainsaws, flaming torches, and a monkey on your back yelling "more features!"

In the morning, you're all TypeScript: "Yes, of course, types make everything more reliable!" By lunch, you're neck-deep in Python and realize types are a vague suggestion at best, leaving you guessing like some bug-squashing mystic. And then just when you’ve finally wrapped your head around that context switch, FastAPI starts demanding things that make you wonder, "Why can’t we all just get along and be JavaScript?"

Oh, and don’t even get me started on syntax. One minute it’s req.body this and express.json() that. The next, Python’s just there with a smug look, saying, "Indentation is my thing, deal with it!" And don’t look now, because meanwhile, Stripe’s trying to barge in with a million webhooks, payment statuses, and event types like “connect” and “payment,” each a subtle bomb to blow up your error logs.

Of course, every language has its "elegant" way of handling errors—which, translated, means fifty shades of “Why isn’t this working?” in different flavors! But hey, at least the machines can’t see us crying through the screen.

In my latest interview. It's the first in a overly morose process that includes many.

Me: So, about the scope of responsibilities...
Interviewer: <translated from fart noises> "we're a dynamic company"
<translated again> do any shit some big headed brass asks of you

Me: it involves many meetings?
Interviewer: <dismissive fart noises>

Me: Is it for an open field project or an ongoing structure?
Interviewer: We have many ongoing projects, and you allocation may be changed dynamically <so, fart noises>

Me: about the salary...
Interviewer: <Extra-stinky-fart noises>

...
It went on for an hour, never an straight answer. Not even for the name of the company.
...

Me: Have you noticed that, even that you are interviewing me, I'm the one asking all the questions?
Interviewer: <actual fart> yes, you really seem to have the knack for it!
Me: ...
Interviewer: so, any more questions?
Me: Yes. Are you flammable? <actual quote>

JFC, who thought that handling multilingual menus like that is even remotely a good idea?

When you add menu item in one language it will show up in EVERY language regardless if it's translated or not. Every godforsaken module that's supposed to fix it breaks something else and the only way to make it work is patching the FREAKING CORE.
And what's worse people in issues ticket have the GAL to question if showing menu item only in its given language by default is the intuitive approach.
Plus there's no way to preview menu structure in any language other than default admin language, except adding language switcher to admin pages manually, that shit should show up automatically the moment I enabled menu localization.

FUCK Drupal8+ and its "We integrated that module in the core! Except we shaved off half the functionality!" approach.

And if you want me to use Drupal Console, then FUCKING FIX IT, it's been uninstallable for the past three months!

That feeling when people complain about the censored Mr Robot and you are watching a version with all the "fucking fuck"s properly translated into your language. God bless America!

I will be investigating but I'll let the question here in case someone knows a way and is kind enough to share it...

WordPress site in Spanish, we need a multilingual plugin or something to let the visitor click a flag or something and see the site translated in English (by hand, no online translator service required).

This would be so easy to code, but they chose WordPress over malleability. c:

Any plugin or idea?

Unity Controller Support:

Why are controllers awful, it seems like I have to custom each different controller manually to the game. Why can't the the A button on one controller be A on all controllers.

Why can't there be a universal built in controller script that would convert all of the different types controller inputs into a generic controller input that can be translated by just one script instead of writing a script for every common controller... 😠

Some words should never be translated.