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For this episode of practiseSafeHex's most incompetent co-worker were going to move past developers and go straight to a CEO.
*sitcom audience oooooohhhhhhh*
I know! , always risky, everyone has a bad story, but lets try bring it home. Here we go, Most incompetent co-worker, candidate 2, "R".
R was ... now how do I say this ... R was a special kind of Bastard. A perfect blend of impatient, arrogant, a dickhead and to borrow a phrase from family guy "below the line of mental retardation".
I've actually spoken about him recently here: https://devrant.com/rants/1141873/...
I won't bother duplicating the content here, but its worth a read.
Some of the other highlights of R include:
- Not understanding that my first demo was UI / Frontend only (despite frequent explanations). I didn't slack off for the next 2 weeks, I was busy making all those buttons actually do stuff and connect to the server. Shockingly "Test 1", "Test 2" and "Lorem ipsum" wasn't our content.
- He once asked how long a bunch of tasks was going to take, I told him 2 weeks and he gave me 2 and a half days. He pulled me into a meeting the next week to see where it all was, and I literally sat there saying "I asked for 2 weeks" over and over until he shut up.
- R's favourite phrase was "when I was a developer", typically followed by some sort of insult, forever labelling him "asshole" by everyone who has ever worked for him.
- When apple launched iOS 7 and changed the UI and the methods you could use, he refused to invest the time in upgrading to iOS 7, but demanded the app look like an iOS 7 app. No amount of "There is no method to access the status bar in iOS 6" could make him comprehend the issue at hand.
- The worst was when I was dealing with an issue to do with 64bit being introduced (which I tried to explain ... christ give me strength). When another dev fixed a similar but unrelated issue he stood up in front of the office and said loudly "pfft practiseSafeHex tried to tell me this was something to do with 64bit, which made absolutely no sense, guess he doesn't know what he's talking about"
Thankfully I handed in my notice ... after less than 2 months, making in abundantly clear why. Will R make it to the top of the list of most incompetent?
Tune in later for more practiceSafeHex's most incompetent co-worker!!!6 -
"Your stupidity is so vast that its value can only be stored in a double, because a float has insufficient range" - John Byrd
This insult is from one of my personal favourites and must be one the best programmer insults ever since it is backed up with programmatic proof written in valid C code.
You should really read the post, it's only one of the many gems in there.
Source: https://quora.com/What-is-the-harde...
3 -
This isn't really a hacking story but it does remind me of something I did as "revenge."
In middle school, this one fool kept bullying me. Always tried to harm me, always tried to insult me, always tried to make me fall during PE.
I hated him a lot, so instead of trying to kill him as planned, I did a harmless little keylogger prank thing.
I installed a keylogger on the school's laptop before class. (I did it during break, and when class started, I placed it on his desk.)
He took the bait, and instead of doing work, he logged onto his social media accounts. Now I had his passwords and everything.
When I went home, I logged onto his social media. I checked his messages so I can get some dirt on him, didn't find much except for the fact he snuck out a few times, and smoked before.
I changed his profile picture to some cringy anime thing and messaged one of his friends (the one who always copied my test answers in History and would steal my homework) and I said, "tell --- that if he doesn't stop being an asshole, I'll do worse than "hack" his social media."
It freaked them both out a bit, but didn't change their behavior, which is a shame because my threat was empty. It's not like I was able to do anything more than that in middle school. To this day, they still have no idea who did that.
This was about 4 years ago.17 -
Found this gem on GitHub:
// At this point, I'd like to take a moment to speak to you about the Adobe PSD format.
// PSD is not a good format. PSD is not even a bad format. Calling it such would be an
// insult to other bad formats, such as PCX or JPEG. No, PSD is an abysmal format. Having
// worked on this code for several weeks now, my hate for PSD has grown to a raging fire
// that burns with the fierce passion of a million suns.
// If there are two different ways of doing something, PSD will do both, in different
// places. It will then make up three more ways no sane human would think of, and do those
// too. PSD makes inconsistency an art form. Why, for instance, did it suddenly decide
// that *these* particular chunks should be aligned to four bytes, and that this alignement
// should *not* be included in the size? Other chunks in other places are either unaligned,
// or aligned with the alignment included in the size. Here, though, it is not included.
// Either one of these three behaviours would be fine. A sane format would pick one. PSD,
// of course, uses all three, and more.
// Trying to get data out of a PSD file is like trying to find something in the attic of
// your eccentric old uncle who died in a freak freshwater shark attack on his 58th
// birthday. That last detail may not be important for the purposes of the simile, but
// at this point I am spending a lot of time imagining amusing fates for the people
// responsible for this Rube Goldberg of a file format.
// Earlier, I tried to get a hold of the latest specs for the PSD file format. To do this,
// I had to apply to them for permission to apply to them to have them consider sending
// me this sacred tome. This would have involved faxing them a copy of some document or
// other, probably signed in blood. I can only imagine that they make this process so
// difficult because they are intensely ashamed of having created this abomination. I
// was naturally not gullible enough to go through with this procedure, but if I had done
// so, I would have printed out every single page of the spec, and set them all on fire.
// Were it within my power, I would gather every single copy of those specs, and launch
// them on a spaceship directly into the sun.
//
// PSD is not my favourite file format.
Ref : https://github.com/zepouet/...16 -
Dude, FUCK automated bathrooms.
First of all, what the hell is so complicated about making a motion sensing faucet that works? Why does it *need* to be motion sensing? I stand there for 5-10 seconds with my stupid soapy hands extended, waiting for a squirt of the divine liquid.
And then the immediately following experience isn't much better. Motion sensing paper towel dispenser. The first go works fine, but it always dispenses half of what you need to get your grimy paws dry. So you go in for seconds, and it just flat out ignores you. Leaves you on read. You flap your pathetic noodle arms at it again. It isn't happening. Please wait 3-5 business days.
Oh, and god forbid you forget to cover the automatic toilet with a few wasted squares. Lean into a shit ONCE and you've just been prematurely flushed. Your ass is misted with the cold, unforgiving equivalent of an automatic insult.
Asshole design12 -
Working with different nationalities is interesting, and sometimes kind of bewildering. And tiring.
I've been working with an Indian dev for a little while, and while she's a decent dev, interactions with her sometimes leave me a little puzzled. She glazes over serious topics, totally over-sensationalizes unimportant oddities, has yet to say the word "no," and she refers to the senior devs as (quote) "the legends." Also, when asked a question by her boss, like "Are you familiar with this?" Instead of a simple yes/no answer, she shows off a little. Fair, I do this sometimes too, but it's a regular thing with her. Also, like most Indians I've known and/or worked with, she has a very strict class-and-caste view of the world. It honestly makes me a little uncomfortable with how she views people, like certain people belong in certain boxes, how some boxes (and therefore their contents) are inherently better than others, and how it's difficult or simply impossible to move between boxes. My obviously westerner view of things is that you can pick where you want to be and what you want to do, and all it takes to get there is acquiring the proper skills and putting in the required effort. I see no boxes at all, just a sprawling web of trades/specialities. And those legends she talks about? They're good devs with more knowledge than me, but only one, maybe two of them are better devs. I see them as coworkers and leads, not legends. Legends would be the likes of Ada Lovelace, Dennis Ritchie, Yukihuro Matsumoto, and Satoshi Nakamoto. (Among others, obv.). To call a lead dev a legend is just strange to me, unless they're actually deserving, but we don't work with anyone like Wozniak or Carmack.
Since I'm apparently ranting about her a little, let me continue. She's also extremely difficult to understand. Not because of her words or her accent, but I can't ever figure out what she's trying to get across. The words fit together and make valid sentences, but the sentences don't often make sense with one another, and all put together... I'm just totally lost. To be a math nerd, like the two conversations are skew lines: very similar, but can never intersect. What's more, if I say I don't understand and ask for clarification, she refuses and says she doesn't want to confuse me further, and to just do what I think is best. It's incredibly frustrating.
Specifically, we're trying to split up functionality on a ticket -- she's part of a different dev team (accounting), and really should own the accounting portion since she will be responsible for it, but there's no clear boundary in the codebase. Trying to discuss this has been... difficult.
Anyway.
Sometimes other cultures' world views are just puzzling, or even kind of alien. This Irish/Chinese guy stayed at my parents' house for a week. He had red hair, and his facial features were about 3/4 Chinese. He looked strange and really interesting. I can't really explain it, but interacting with him felt like talking to basically any other guy I've known, except sometimes his mannerisms and behavior were just shockingly strange and unexpected, and he occasionally made so little sense to me that I was really taken aback.
This Chinese manager I had valued appearances and percieved honors more than anything else. He cared about punctuality and attire more than productivity. Instead of giving raises for good work or promotions, he would give fancy new titles and maybe allow you to move your desk somewhere with a better view of your coworkers. Not somewhere nicer; somewhere more prominent. How he made connections between concepts was also very strange, like the Chinese/Irish guy earlier. The site templating system was a "bridge?" Idk? He also talked luck with his investors (who were also Chinese), and they would often take the investment money to the casino to see if luck was in the company's favor. Not even kidding.
Also! the Iranian people I've known. They've shown very little emotion, except occasionally anger. If I tried to appease them, they would spurn and insult me, but if I met their anger, they would immediately return to being calm, and always seemed to respect me more afterward. Again, it's a little puzzling. By contrast, meeting an American's anger often makes them dislike you, and exceeding it tends to begin a rivalry.
It's neat seeing how people of different nationalities have different perspectives and world views and think so very differently. but it can also be a little tiring always having to translate and to switch behavior styles, sometimes even between sentences.
It's also frustrating when we simply cannot communicate despite having a language in common.25 -
Navy story time again.
I was a cadet, 1st year, final exams in """CS""". Our """professor""" was handing out the exam sheets, when I told him that one of the questions couldn't be answered by what he had taught. He had supposedly taught us C++ (I would insult every C++ tutorial, however shitty, if I called his class introductory or even elemental).
To give you a better idea of the situation, I'll only say this: one of the questions was "Name three brands of antivirus software."
I. SHIT. YOU. NOT.
This was supposed to be a Naval Academy that trained officers, by the way. Anyway, the question at hand was a program that must use recursion to solve a particular problem. I had been studying programming since high school, so I was not bothered by it, but everyone else was. Anyway...
Once I told him that, he threw a fucking fit. He screamed (as our overseeing officer watched in confusion) that we weren't paying attention, that we were just playing around and watching porn sites (BTW I discovered after that, that most porn videos were on the campus server, in write-protected folders that no student had permission to write, but professors and administrators did. Curious... but my ITSec misdeeds are for another day). Anyway, I got so angry at that idiot, I started writing (yes, programming on paper, if you whine about your IDE/text editor, think about that) the program. Until I found out that I didn't know WTF I was writing. The time was up, however, and I had to give my paper. To this day I have no idea what I wrote and what it did (if anything).
Got perfect score. Only one in class.9 -
The most pissed off I've been at work?
Client X came to us for a website.
We secretly outsourced the work.
Client X is coming for a visit in 10 mins...
MD to me: "I've told them your lead dev on this. They're not super-technical so if they ask you about the project just tell them it's going well."
Now I'm not a comfortable blagger, I don't have that kind of confidence, so to ask me to lie like this makes me feel really stressed and uncomfortable. Furthermore, I had literally no idea about any aspect of the work we were supposedly doing for this client. I can barely contain my panic but my colleagues help me piece together a basic understanding.
The MD returns: "They're here now. Can you quickly go and check that the toilets are clean."
WHAT THE FUCK!? The little prick. I'd knock him out if wasn't so meek and pathetic. I tell myself that I'm being helpful and nice but in truth I'm just his fucking doormat and he has zero respect for me.
I have no problem cleaning stuff (we all basically tidy up behind us) but this is something he could have done. Furthermore, who cares? None of us leave the loos with piss on the floor and shit smeared across the walls. They're never anything less than client-ready so to ask me to check means that he's already checked them himself and one of the loos is not quite shiny enough.
The reader may feel that this is no big deal (and in some ways you're right) but everything about this scenario was fucked up. The MD had embroiled the whole company in a lie and assumes we're all okay with that, then to add insult just nonchalantly orders me to clean the bogs. The cunt.
FWIW The client didn't ask to talk to me or use the toilet during their visit.8 -
Saying that Sharepoint was coded by a bunch of trained monkeys would be an understatement and an insult to monkeys. Why is it such a bloody mess? 😡7
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Guy I work with: Hey can I borrow you for a minute
Me: sure. What do you need?
Him: so this is a project me an the other dev worked on
Me thinking: Well I know he did it all and sent you the project so don't tell me you worked on it
Him: so we use it to do this and this and send an email to this new account I made because (2 minute explanation)
Me thinking: I don't care. Just tell me what your issue is! I already know what it is and does from what you told me the last time when you showed me. Which took an hour of my time.
Him: so he sent me this code which is called <Descriptive name> and in the method we have variables call <descriptive name> and it returns a <variable name>
Me thinking: You mother fucker! I don't give a shit what your method is named, what it the variable names are, and you don't need to read through every line of code to me! Just from the descriptive name you just said I know what it does! What the fuck is your issue!?
Him: we also have these other methods. This one is called <Descriptive name> which does...
Me: are you fucking seriously going to read me your code line by line and tell me what you named your variables AGAIN!?
Him: and we named this one <descriptive name>
Me: you mother fucker...
Him: and it calls this stored procedure. (Literally opens the stored procedure and shows me) and it is called...which has parameters called... And it is a select query that inserts
45 minutes later after he finishes explaining all 3 pages of his code and his 5 stored procedures that the other dev wrote...
Him: So anyway, back to this method. I need to know where to put this method. The other dev said to put it in this file, but where do you think I should put it in here? Should I place it after this last one or before it?
Me thinking: You fucking wasted my fucking time just to ask where to place your mother fucking method that the other dev sent to you in a project with only 3 files, all less than 500 lines of code with comments and regions that actually tell you what you should put there and 5 small stored procedures that were not even relevant to your issue! Why the fuck did you need to treat me as a rubber ducky which would fly away if you did have one because you didn't have an issue, you just didn't know where to put your fucking code! FUCK YOUR METHOD!
Me: Where ever you want
Him: Well I think it won't work if I placed it before this method.
I walked away after that. What a waste of time and an insult to my skills and really unchallenging. He's been coding for years and still can't understand anything code related. I'm tired if helping him. Every time he needs something he always has to read through and explain his shit just to ask me things like this. One time he asked me what to name his variable and another his project. More recently he asked why he couldn't get his project he found online to work. The error clearly stated he needed to use c# 7. His initial solution was to change his sql connection string. 😑
He should just go back to setting up computers and fixing printers. At least then he would never be in the office to bug me or the other dev with things like this.7 -
!!office drama
I haven't been around much in recent weeks. Due to family illness, christmas shopping, dealing with estranged parents, and brooding over the foregoing, I haven't had a lot of time or energy left to myself.
tl;dr: The CTO ("API Guy") is ostensibly getting fired, and I might be taking over his job. I don't know if I should accept, try to stave this off, or simply flee.
------
Anyone who has been following my recent rants knows that API Guy is my boss, and he often writes terrible code. It's solid and unbreakable, but reading it is a *nightmare.* One of our applications is half the length of Leo Tolstoy's War and Peace, and it's difficult to tell what code is live and what amounts to ancient, still-active landmines. This is one application; we have several, most of which I've never even looked at.
Ostensibly the code is so terrible because the company grew extremely quickly, and API Guy needed to cram in lots of unexpected / planned-against features. From what I can see, that seems about right, but I haven't checked timeframes [because that's a lot of work!].
Here's a brief rundown of the situation.
- API Guy co-founded the company with the CEO.
- CEO and API Guy have been friends for a long time.
- CEO belives the company will fail with API Guy as head of tech.
- They could just be testing me; I have zero way of knowing. API Guy seems totally oblivious, and CEO seems sincere, so this feels pretty doubtful.
- CEO likes pushing people around. CEO believes he can push me around. API Guy doesn't budge. (I probably won't, either, except to change task priorities.)
- API Guy's code is huge and awful, but functional.
- API Guy is trying to clean up the mess; CEO doesn't understand (maybe doesn't care).
- Literally nobody else knows how the code works.
- Apart from API Guy and myself, the entire company is extroverted sales people.
- None of these sales people particularly like me.
- Sales people sell and sell and sell without asking development if they can pull enough magic features out of their hat to meet the arbitrary saleslines. (because the answer is usually no)
- If I accept, I would be the sole developer (at first) and responsible for someone else's mountain of nightmarish code, and still responsible for layering on new features at the same pace as he. Pay raise likely, but not guaranteed.
- My getting the position is contingent upon the CEO and the investors, meaning it's by no means guaranteed.
- If I don't accept, likely API Guy will be replaced with someone else of unknown ability, who doesn't know the code, and whom I must answer to regardless. Potentially OK, potentially a monumental disaster.
Honestly, it feels like I'm going to be screwed no matter what course I choose.
Perhaps accepting is slightly better?
The best would be to assume the position of CTO and keep API Guy around -- but that would feel like an insult to him. I doubt he'd be okay with it. But maybe. Who knows? I doubt the CEO would seriously consider that anyway.
I feel like a lamb between a dim, angry rhino, and an oblivious one.23 -
The top two:
* the laziest intern ever!! He lived 100m from the office but was always late for the daily. Even managed to forget his fucking laptop at home!! His mommy had to wake him up!!! He was so useless that I thought he was on the first year of his bachelor's degree and later the team said to me that he had finished it.
* some frat bro, got an internship thanks to daddy inside my ops team. He managed to insult everyone in his first week!!
So I had to tell his daddy, that his son will work under the office support team and will be in charge of the first level support for his branch. Daddy fired his son sorry as after two weeks!!1 -
I had a recruiter contact me today, calling me Andrew in the process. Believe it or not my name isn't Andrew, and the email address they sent it to was me@MYFULLNAME.com, so they should be able to get my name right.
I responded to them pointing that out and advising they never contact me again. (In a somewhat sassy way).
In a well crafted apology I was informed that they had a great track record and that mistakes happen. Here's the email's subject line:
RE: Hi.. opportunity in New Haven, CT (Downtown- next to train station)- RUDE DO NOT CONTACT EVER AGAIN
I responded more kindly that I appreciated the apology but the subject line confirmed my position of "not interested."
This was followed up by them trying to "recall" the email, and resend it... Like I didn't notice the insult in the subject line of your apology...
Nicely done, nicely done.8 -
You know, there is so much of a push to get girls to start programming. You know what, the industry is doing just fine, and if a girl wants to get in, she can. Girls shouldn't be considered special, they shouldn't be given a handicap and no one should assume they are worse.
There is absolutely no money to be made in the "Girls who Code" push and people need to start seeing that they are polluting everything.
I just saw, on Shark Tank, some crappy version of the Sphero, which may be the biggest insult to a product, ever, that was basically a Barbie driving around and you can program it. I want to die.54 -
SELECT * FROM VISA_CARDS
...yes, every bit as bad as you imagine
(and yes, there were other tables for other card providers. Insult to injury... in like.. a fractal of mistakes)4 -
I have a whatsapp group with my friends, none of which are techies. A while ago one of them was looking for a phone to buy, so he started looking at models, specs and all that, but got pretty confused and asked a pretty well-informed question to the group:
"Guys, what is that quad core thing?
And what is a RAM? Is it something like the processor of the phone or what? "
OK, pretty typical stuff up until this point. The guy knows nothing about this sort of things, I wouldn't criticize him or insult him or anything like that. No, that's not the problem. The problem is the person that responded to him. This... This melted my brain so much I will never forget:
"Don't worry about that, you only have to look at how many gigahertz does the processor run at. Don't worry about the number of cores or ram. The GHz are the result of the amount of ram and cores, so the more the gigahertz, the better the phone."
PD: "Also take a look at how many megapixels does the camera have if you want to take photos".
Some people just talk out of their ass and pretend like they're experts on any topic they've read about for 5 minutes on the Internet7 -
I worked with this guy at a startup one time, and just to annoy me, he would write commit comments describing how I was such a bad developer, or how I was such a horrible person. After like the 15th time he did this, I decided to be totally unprofessional and do the same for him... our commit comments quickly turned into a conversation where we would just insult each other (as a joke).
The original developers of the startup no longer work there (including me and him)... I wonder who's reading those comments now.3 -
When will people understand that you can't get quality software made for $5 by some random from Fiverr? Just as I'm about to confirm a quick Freelance job they tell me they've found someone on Fiverr that will do it for a fraction of the amount. It's happening more and more. Don't get me wrong, I'm still getting plenty of work but I see it as a bit of an insult. Comparing the quality of work I do with someone who pumps out 5 programs an hour.
And yes, I do realise there are people on Fiverr that do care about their work, there just doesn't seem to be many of them.10 -
I feel like the whole CoC debate is just:
"Stop using harmful language!"
"F*** you! How else can I tell you that your commit sucks donkey-b***?!"
"You are banned!"
"I'm taking all of my work with me, you c****!"
"No you are not"
"Yes I F***ing am"
Maybe we can reach a compromise, where we can insult bad coders, just not on the basis of their race/gender/sex? Or, fork a version of the code base for "inclusive-sjw-types" and another for "loud-mouth-a**-holes"?
Like it's really a debate on work ethics. Positive change negative reinforcement...14 -
You know I used to always think machines are stupid.
Artificial Intelligence and Machine Learning can never beat humans.
I hated fancy tech and companies like Google thinking they did bad stuff.
My mindset was very different back in 2013 to 2016 (my first stint at devRant).
Over the years and countless experiences with humans and tech, today I am a very different person.
Today.. I ABSOLUTELY FUCKING HATE HUMANS AND FEEL I AM SURROUNDED BY FUCK NUTS.
There is no match to Natural Stupidity.
Now that I am promoted and have to herd sheeps, I realised how much dumb humans are.
The attention to details is something that doesn't exist along with the ability to listen and understand their basic task.
Rather these morons are egoistic who not only back answer with intention to insult you.
They absolutely overlook the fact that you are talking in their favour and benefit.
Now I value the accurate and timely delivery of a machine without much cost and efforts to setup.
Here I spend 3 fucking days to explain a simple Apple to Apple task and no deliveries at all. Dafaq do you expect me to do here? Why shouldn't I employ a robot and let you starve when you bring no skills to table and crib like a baby when I give you an honest feedback?
I agree some companies are bad. I agree there are good and skilled people. I agree exceptions are there everywhere.
But the fact that majority is just stinking waste makes me wonder how did humans evolve and survive so many years.
Average IQ is less than that of a Avocado.
Media has romanticised fancy tech and stupid Instagram trends which makes you wonder why are progressing as human race.
At times, it's better to not do things at all then do it wrong.
At times, the world doesn't deserve good.
In the end, everything is just as stupid as you and me.
And it doesn't even matter.44 -
Fuck Uber!
I requested an Uber to take me Chicago Midway Airport.
They driver takes me to a different airport over an hour away! I nearly missed my flight because he didn't follow directions. To add insult to a shitty situation he charged me an extra $40 for his mistake.
This morning I requested a refund and noted the driver took a long route. They had the nerve to reply and blame it on me! Claiming the drop-off location was not the location original specified. Mother fuckers I have a screen shot!
I am astounded that they would stoop to such low levels as to shift the blame to me. I suppose they were betting I didn't have a screen shot.
Well, time to try lift!
7 -
Remote IT work. I had a caller immediately berate and try to insult me because she recognized my very Southern accent wasn't local and I wasn't onsite. They tried to insinuate I wouldn't know what they were talking about with "do you even know what [x] is?" Calmly, I said yes ma'am. This is before she ever got to what her issue was. It was command line things I needed to run to fix it, but she wouldn't stop talking. "Are you even trying to help me or do anything? You must not know what you're doing." I'm a terrible multitasker so I end up sometimes typing what I hear, saying what I read, or zoning out of everything to accomplish a particular thing. So it took me a minute or two longer than normal. But that call wasn't what pissed me off. It was the complete 180 she turned when she emailed in when I resolved the ticket, praising me for how knowledgeable and professional I was, that I almost considered it all a troll.
I don't have very many high emotion stories and neither is this one. I'm pretty laid back, go with it, person.3 -
I've just noticed an app review that I've given and would fit right into the wk123 (that's the insult one, right?).
"Biggest pile of junk that I've ever seen. You have one job! To register the fucking phone number (which you could get with Phone permission) and verify it (which you can do with the SMS permission) and you should either have the user do that once upon installation or you automate it entirely so that it can run in the background! You can fully automate this, and it's not that complicated that it needs 10 whole seconds of loading time in between! Heck, this pile of crap can't even continue into the main view after entering the verification code! You haven't published the source code (and maybe that's for the best) but if it was, I'd probably immediately get cancer by viewing your crappy spaghetti code. Dear developer, please take a step back and (re)join the PC tech support guys. You have no place in the development world."
To top it all off, that app currently only needs phone permission to verify my number (at least they've done that much). So I figured, I've already gone through that authentication flow so let's remove that permission to abide by the principle of least privilege.
Except that the fucking crapp just goes through the "requires phone permission" shit again whenever that permission removal happens. Fucking piece of garbage!!! That such spaghetti code fuckers even have a job, it boggles my mind.4 -
Even when you might want to work for a non-profit, don't sell yourself too short. Dear developers, I ask you kindly to never accept these kind of salaries.
That entire range is an insult. Esp. with the dev stack in mind.
13 -
There's this WebDesigner who wants every single website made pixel-perfect to his design.
We usually spend like 1 extra month on each website just because we can't do it pixel-perfect for each resolution
Now I'm working on yet another of his websites and his brother is beside me as a stagist
Am I allowed to insult the designer and swear against him every 5 minutes or so?5 -
!rant
Today I realised that we are in that point of history where the sentence "my grandma plays this videogame better than you" can not only be an insult, but a matter of fact.1 -
TIL how to enable "insults" on the terminal. So every time I type my password wrong it insults me :D5
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Some of the penguin's finest insults (Some are by me, some are by others):
Disclaimer: We all make mistakes and I typically don't give people that kind of treatment, but sometimes, when someone is really thick, arrogant or just plain stupid, the aid of the verbal sledgehammer is neccessary.
"Yeah, you do that. And once you fucked it up, you'll go get me a coffee while I fix your shit again."
"Don't add me on Facebook or anything... Because if any of your shitty code is leaked, ever, I want to be able to plausibly deny knowing you instead of doing Seppuku."
"Yep, and that's the point where some dumbass script kiddie will come, see your fuckup and turn your nice little shop into a less nice but probably rather popular porn/phishing/malware source. I'll keep some of it for you if it's good."
"I really love working with professionals. But what the fuck are YOU doing here?"
"I have NO idea what your code intended to do - but that's the first time I saw RCE and SQLi in the same piece of SHIT! Thanks for saving me the hassle."
"If you think XSS is a feature, maybe you should be cleaning our shitter instead of writing our code?"
"Dude, do I look like I have blue hair, overweight and a tumblr account? If you want someone who'd rather lie to your face than insult you, go see HR or the catholics or something."
"The only reason for me NOT to support you getting fired would be if I was getting paid per bug found!"
"Go fdisk yourself!"
"You know, I doubt the one braincell you have can ping localhost and get a response." (That one's inspired by the BOFH).
"I say we move you to the blockchain. I'd volunteer to do the cutting." (A marketing dweeb suggested to move all our (confidential) customer data to the "blockchain").
"Look, I don't say you suck as a developer, but if you were this competent as a gardener, I'd be the first one to give you a hedgetrimmer and some space and just let evolution do its thing."
"Yeah, go fetch me a unicorn while you're chasing pink elephants."
"Can you please get as high as you were when this time estimate come up? I'd love to see you overdose."
"Fuck you all, I'm a creationist from now on. This guy's so dumb, there's literally no explanation how he could evolve. Sorry Darwin."
"You know, just ignore the bloodstain that I'll put on the wall by banging my head against it once you're gone."2 -
Client: I want a new feature for my chat bot. It should be able to rap.
Me: ... k
*monologue: wait u w0t m8*
Also me: Can you please go more into the details? It should be able to rap. Ok. But how do you want it to look like? How "strong" should be the discrimination level, for instance?
Client: It should beat ass, yo.
Inner me -> core me: Let us just ignore him. We won't be able to do it, since he isn't really explaining his needs. "It should be able to rap". We are not wizards.
Core me -> inner me: Chill. We will just use some insult apis, combine it with cleverb0t api et voila.
Me: Alright. I got an idea for it. I can do it within this week. And if you don't like it, I will ofc do some changes to it.
Client: Hmmm... that's nice and good. But within 1 week?
Inner me: I can't do magic and pull that feature out of my fucking ass!
Clients... clients... clients...
0. Don't expect us to be done in a few days. We are also humans. And not fucking machines.
1. Do us (all devs on planet earth. -Microaggression in 3, 2, 1..) a favor and (kill yourself) learn how to request a feature.2 -
person: what type of work do you do?
me: I'm a developer
person: oh, so can fix computers and stuff?
me: you realize that you insult me, right?3 -
Help?
I work in support and some of the developers here don't seem to realize that their customers can't use the app they wrote because of all the bugs, but they freak out if anyone so much as *thinks* there's a problem with the code.
We have evidence it's their code. How do I get them to see I'm not saying their code sucks, just that a few changes might help performance?
I don't want to insult them, but at the same time, they're only responsible for one application...15 -
!rant
Just overheard a senior engineer say to a junior "I dont tell you to move, I tell you to MOV because you're as stupid as a computer" wow that hurt9 -
@MissDirection today I learned what it truly means to be a "codeslut". I understand the decision you made to change your username due to the circumstances but I want you know that I'm now seriously considering prepending 'CodeSlut' to my username.
To be a code slut, in my definition, is to fuck with all things code.
I don't remember the idiot(s) that murked the name with shame, I remember being scornful towards them for their immaturity...But now I know whole the truth, and that what they were also unknowingly shaming was any engineer who has had an interest in anything related to code. Fuck them, in a sense they've fucked themselves, because I personally believe that as developers there's a little (code)slut in each and every one of you. Those who are willing to fuck with all of it and have a damn good time doing it. To dabble in a little bit of this and a little bit of that from time to time. Whether or not we stick with it is irrelevant, it's the experience we gain from it that makes us better people. To shame a code slut is to shame the pursuit of knowledge. And to shame the pursuit of knowledge is to shame my purpose in life. I stand by my pursuit to fuck with it all, no tech is sacred - I will fuck with it!
Please @MissDirection don't let my new username stop you from ever changing yours back to what it was or take this as some form of a personal insult/joke. I'm serious - I understand now. I'm not even sure if you realised it, but QueenCodeSlut held such beauty and truth to it that many(including myself) couldn't even begin to fathom. That is enlightenment of the utmost pulchritude, please accept this username change as a gesture of honor and respect towards you and any other fellow humans with their own endeavors of truth and knowledge.12 -
Do you know this?
You are the small guy, you are dancing the whole evening with a girl and then a big asshole comes around, h
Judges you and want to be better that you?
Than je comes and insult you?
Damn that's the moment, when self defense save your life. :)
He tried to punch me, but then underrated my skills 😌
Ohhh man I love karma😌🤗7 -
Microsoft seriously hates security, first they do enforce an numer, upper and lowercase combined with a special character.
But then they allow no passwords longer than 16 characters....
After that they complain that "FuckMicrosoft!1" is a password they've seen to often, gee thanks for the brute force tips.
To add insult to injury the first displayed "tip" take a look at the attached image.
16 -
I don't understand why you keep pushing me into your team. You have literally moved issues to the next sprint just so they would welcome me when I come back. I already pushed the code, what else do you want? Do I remind you of your mother? Did she not love you and now you're seeking affection from me or some fucked up shit I don't understand?
You want me to do all these and the whole time, your jerk ass developer does nothing but insult me.
"Why don't you know that this code is in this repository in this other branch?" (Multiple repos, different branches, and the most updated one is never in anywhere that makes sense.)
"Your code is inefficient. We have helpers for this part and you did not use it." (Literally no docs or comments plus blank readme file.)
"We had to refactor your code big time because you weren't following our standards." (What standards?)
Like what the fuck? I'm not a part of your team and no one briefed me as to where all this shit is. Somehow I'm supposed to just know? It's a fucking miracle that I even finished anything. Your dev can't even setup the local environment himself, I did, and that's probably the only reason you want me to do this.
What is your point, man? If it would be more efficient for your team to do it and your developer is complaining about how he has to do it himself anyway, why don't you just leave me alone to my own team? What the fuck do you want? I seriously cannot understand. It's like you're living just to stress me the fuck out. Do you want me to quit? Is that what you really want? Jesus Christ. I've never met people more unreasonable than you.
Fuck you. I hate you.9 -
Bro, that code u call well written, would look better if it was encoded in base64
Damn, u look like the guy at github who thought it would be a good idea to sell to microsoft.
You are an insult to anyone who codes... or thinks4 -
let's try something...
Roast thread, please tag and insult your fellow devRanter in this comment section. Get creative in finding swearwords. Too many ++ bombs, poor code quality or you're just secretly in love with some other Ranter and hate it.14 -
Cousin: "I see you're coding JavaScript on your notebook"
Me: "Is this meant to be an insult?"
Java != JavaScript8 -
I can only imagine what goes through clients’ tiny brains. Do they really think: “oh I know what will get shit done, insult the developer, his work, and demand things be fixed while saying the whole system is broken even though they have multiple times in the past demonstrated that it was either me using it wrong or an extremely quick and simple fix. I also have a problem with a few listed items in particular not the whole system, but I’m gonna insult everything.”
Fucking rude fucks! -
I created a windows 10 wallpaper for the fun of it, insult my editing skills as you wish :)
It's 4K, the full res image is here: https://imgur.com/a/LqLuKbo
3 -
I work for a big financial company and they're saying i'm going to get a promotion but have to go through an interview process and be compared with external candidates. Basically that a new position will be created and I need to apply for it.
To me it feels like an insult as promotions should be a reward for good work done on the job?
And technically I'm like the most experienced, expert on the team...
Everyone comes to me asking for help or to explain things...24 -
Your mother must be the most efficient automated javascript build system ever.
Cause no one could come pop out more uglified than you.1 -
I am currently looking for a DAW (Digital Audio Workstation), because my music projects are starting to get a little too complex for Audacity.
So I started looking for a good, easy-to-learn, ideally free program, and quickly learned that Avid now has a free version of Pro Tools called First.
So I go to their site and fill out the registration form to get the download. In addition to creating an account with Avid, you also need to create one with iLok, which apparently has something to do with how they manage their licenses. Kinda overkill for a free program, but okay...
I download the program (about 3gigs...), install it and try to start it. It gives me an error message about missing some service. Okay? I'm confused because I notice that an 'Application Manager' service has appeared in my tray, and when I open that I can log into my new account just fine. But it still doesn't work.
There's a link in the error message to the iLok website, and it looks like ai need to dowload and install another component. Why didn't that get installed with the program if it's required?
Hmm...
So I go to the iLok site, download it and install it. Pro Tools First still won't start. I realize that the PTF installer asked me to reboot, which I didn't do because: a) I always have a lot of windows open, and b) How often is a reboot ACTUALLY required? Why would you need to reboot?
So I (begrudgingly) reboot, and now the program seems to start initializing... but then it throws an error message about some plugin that it can't load because it doesn't work for the 64 bit version. Then... why are you even looking for it?
And then it says something like: 'I can't handle that, I'm just gonna shut down'.
What?
I try starting it again. Same error appears, but then it gets past it this time... Only to throw another error message about something else it can't load, and therefore it must shut down.
Deep breath.
Third time is the charm, the program actually made it to the project create/load screen! Huzzah!
So I look around a bit, but don't do much. It doesn't seem too intuitive to me, so I start watching some tutorials on YouTube from Avid themselves. It's a little late by now, so I don't get my hands dirty that day.
Next time I want to try out the program I start it up, still get error messages, but it does seem to initialize okay. But then the 'Create project' button doesn't react when I press it.
It turns out that the program takes a looong time to log in to the avid account, even though the manager service is running and logged in...
When it finally logs on I create a new blank project, but it doesn't ask me where to save it to. I see there is a counter saying 1/3 and looking around I find some info about 'cloud based projects'.
It would seem that this program only supports saving projects to the cloud, and you get only 3 projects total. Three. THREE?
Ahem...
I add an instrument track to my new project and select the one and only plugin, which is a synth. I don't see the plugin window, like in the tutorials I watched. I fiddle around with the windows, but I only manage to get the layout fucked up. There's a handy 'Window' menu, but none of the options resets the view. The main window is now sporting a WINDOWS FUCKING 7 BORDER! And partially blocking the view of the top menu.
Blaaargh!
Frustrated, I shut the program down and restart it. I now select one of the project templates (after waiting for it to LOG IN AGAIN!) in the hope that I might have a bit more luck with that starting point.
But when the template has loaded, out of nowhere, the program goes from maximized to windowed mode! And the fucking Win7 border is back again, still messing with the main menu!
FFS!
I get the sucker maximized again and select one of the synth tracks, and Lo and Behold! The synth plugin window actually shows up! But of course there is no sound produced when I play, neither with the keyboard or my midi keyboard.
Oh no, that would have been too easy.
I see some the meters moving when I play, but no sound is produced. I check the options menu, but find out nothing useful except for the fact that the program only support 48kHz sample rate. That's pretty disappointing when you have a 192kHz/24bit soundcard.
I'm done. This piece of shit software is NOT for me. It's bloated, complicated to sign up for and install, extremely limited and buggy as hell!
The final insult is that it takes 5 minutes to uninstall because there is no uninstall option in the so-called 'Application Manager' (of course fucking not!), and doing it through Programs & Features there are 5 (FIVE!!) different apps and services to uninstall, one by one.
0/10, would not recommend.11 -
I feel sick again. I wonder if it has something to do with the beggars harassing me on the rare occasions that I go outside to receive a delivery. The most recent one was a kid who tried to surprise me this morning. Just jumped in front of me with a "Hoy!" then asked for money then joked with "Ooh, you can't joke around, just woke up." This kid was crowding me.
He followed me all the way to the delivery man's position. The delivery man asked for my name, I said it, and the kid started calling me by name. This kid has no mask, by the way, and every time I put distance between us, he moves closer. The delivery man told him off several times.
This happened so many times. There was another instance where they touched my arm several times to get my attention (you can literally feel the grease on your skin) while their master-breeder mother confidently sits on a motorcycle (also without a mask) watching her money-makers do their thing. It's a fucking career choice here and it makes me angry. Parents spawn multiple children and send them off to harass workers and get money out of them. The people who actually work and do good for the economy gets sick or take in more stress than they already do with their real jobs while these motherfuckers sit there all relaxed and shit.
There was another time when a ladyboy (and I do not use that as an insult, it's an actual thing, you offense-craving, pseudo-worldly, ignorant fuck) chased me to the convenience store. He keeps trying to get my attention and asking for money. When I ignored him, he screamed, "You think you're so pretty?!" Dude, what the fuck? I swear, the shit that happens in this fucking country qualify as harassment but of course, you can't call them out because god loves the poor and if you even flinch when they touch you, you go to hell. Weird flex but okay.
These people rule everything. They are entitled to everything. They can harass anyone. The most annoying part is these aren't the real "poor". I grew up in a poor and criminal neighborhood and I've seen people CHOOSE "begging for money" as a career choice. There are even videos about some pretending to be disabled and then running fast when the cops appear.
I just fucking hate it so much how they make others sick and how entitled they are to everything. I'm not talking about the real poor, I'm talking about THESE people. The parasites of society. Now I don't even know what kind of shit I have. Hopefully, it's just terrible allergies. I just hope my boss doesn't freak out and pepper me with endless questions when I file a sick leave tomorrow. They are already paranoid about the virus.48 -
Just leaving this ugly piece of crap here.
I know these kinds of stuff are not welcome here, sorry anyways. But am I sorry if it's insulting? Of course not. Those who really feel the insult in this shit are listed below.
10 -
Never had any doubt in my skills and have always judged them accordingly.
I am very....very...annoyingly confident (and in love with) myself.
This does not mean i do not acknowledge me fucking up and being wrong. It just means that even when I fuck up I learn from it, add it to my toolbelt and then continue to think that i am the bomb.
I don't compare my shit to others. I have never seem anyone effortlesly do anything, it is always the result of practice, passion, love and dedication and saying that it must be easy for them is an insult to them and their crafts.
I do not get jealous, nor do I feel smaller, i get pumped and motivated.3 -
Please fix this one tiny bug they said. Don’t touch everything, it works, sans the bug, they said. Should take a day or two they said. Please don’t do anything drastic, they said.
Well....
The entire environment is fucked. The current commit for that repo is fucked, and the previous one was just an empty Xcode project. How the fuck can I debug something that isn’t even running? The machine it was built on by the previous engineer that left the company had multiple Xcode projects for the same thing and all of it refused to compile. What?! How the hell it got released to the wild and being used by hundreds of clients is still beyond my comprehension. Adding insult to injury, I eventually discovered there were memory leaks up the wazoo. Great!
So, please for the love of fucking God, leave a working repo for your colleagues before you decide to jump ship!1 -
Holy shit seriously: Fuck MSOffice. Fuck it right in the eyehole.
As desktop software, it's just brutally terrible. On my work mac, it's just sweaty garbage. The latest insult is that on the most recent update, msword stole the default file association from preview.
Libre isn't terrific, but at least it's closed when you close it. For that reason alone, it's orgasmic by comparison.
Because there's justice in the world, my job is not a document-centered one, so I have no real use at all for an office app, let alone the specific macros and formulae that the msoffice versions of these apps provide, so I couldn't give less of a shit about losing functionality.
The headline and main thrust of this rant is "fuck msoffice so hard that it dies of eye-fucking."1 -
I dislike ignorant pricks that insult others while being wrong.
I dislile people that feel the need to insult others based on their choices or prefferences for products, music and stuff like that.
I dislike people that are so blatantly arrogant that they refuse to acknowledge being wrong because of some weird made up status in their head (i.e i have a phd...i cannot possibly be wrong)
I really dislike teenagers that think that they know shit. They never do, suprisingly we have many of them here...
I dislike people that find ways to justify being assholes to others.
I also dislike people that hide behind a keyboard.
I dislike people that tend to follow trend opinions: "lolz mac suckz i kan du errthing in LenIXxX" shit like that irrititates me, also the php hate wars, I see people bitching about not having a job or experience in the field because they wont hire them for whatever hipster shit they are not using.......yet they make fun of people with php skills that have been on the industry far longer than what the haters have known how to use a computer....ah and some of them here are also on their teens....
All in all. I hate assholes really. I see many of them in this industry, and even tho I have seen a couple of them in here the great majority of the user base is absolutely amazing.
:) y'all beautiful people have a great weekend!8 -
Ok I know there have been a lot of similar rants to this one, but now I have to write one by myself!
Fuck freelancer.com or whatever that shit is called. I once started using it when I was in school because I thought it was a convenient way to earn money on the side without fixed work times, so I could adjust to how much time I have. But soon I realized that wouldn't happen. It is easy for me to make a website, I have written some css templates from scratch and can apply them, but when will these cocksucking assholes learn that $25 for a website is not only a joke, but a fucking insult? Or a logo for 4? In his video on fiverr, pewdiepie has a point on the thing where he said that you can shit out a logo in 2min and make an easy 4 to 5 bucks, but I like doing things more properly and I bet those fuckers will give you shit for not designing the perfect logo. I once accepted a job where I ended up busting my ass 3 days log for $100 and I thought that was the normal mess at the beginning, before you have former customers rate your profile, but I got perfect ratings and still didn't get or even find any proper jobs. Most are complete shit, like write a fucking book for me or design a fucking Website or pull a logo out of your ass, but some projects are just rediculous. I once saw a project where they wanted some engineer to do the layout for the pipes in a huge processing plant. Yeah, because engineers are so poor and unemployed, even when they are entrepreneurs they dont go to those shity sites. Since I am actually qualified for such a job, I applied just to see if I could land a job that is actually not shitty, but of course it turned out the person had no idea what he was talking about. It is basically a platform where people can pay you in exposure. And the absolutely fucking worst thing about it is that they get away with it. There are always a ton of people, mostly from countries where cost of life is significantly lower, who flood the freelance market with cheap, presumably horrible logos, mobile apps, websites, texts and apparently pipeline layouts. I haven't found a similar platform but where there are only high quality biddings. But that is something that I would love to use.
Sorry for long rant, no potato.1 -
I don't wanna ask (insert search engine of your choice) but devRant today:
How would you define a
- nerd
- geek
etc
Is it an insult or status to be proud of?12 -
So another story about college and stupid team assignments that I have to be responsible for dealing with.
So we had an assignment in operating systems 1 course, it was about memory management and we are a team of 3. Then came the time when we should discuss this assignment with the TA and that day I had to stay all night finishing a project in software engineering (literally giving us a description of a big project because that's what the course teaches And I had to finish it in one all nighter alone because my teammates just gave up).
When the discussion time came I was really tired and then the TA asks me something really simple and I say it but then she tells me that I'm wrong so I wondered a bit and then said no what I said was right! She then asks my teammate (who we are supposed to be good friends) "did he say the right thing?" And his answer is a definitive "NO he's wrong" and then he starts to say the right answer which I swear I said the same but in a different way so I start to say again that I was right and say that I said that just a different way and she took that as an insult and said that I'm shouting at her and being disrespectful to her.
When we finished I asked my friend if he heard me say it wrong and he said "I'm sorry but I didn't even hear what you said and I was afraid" WHAT THE FUCK, he just said that I was wrong to please her and make her feel like she is right and I had to be the wrong one even though I said it right but NOoo her pride is more important
All this was last semester and the second semester just started today and I go into operating system 2 and guess what? The TA got her doctorate and is now the professor for OS 2 when she doesn't even understand anything.
Really FUCK the academic system it feels like it is a grind more than actually gaining mastery of a subject.2 -
I received a few XSD schemas from service provider, this have literally: Table1, Table2, etc... Table21. and without any documentation.
Should I insult provider devs on email?
11 -
How surprising is it when a person designs code in a very clear and impressive structure and just when you think about asking them for guidance, they reveal themselves to be complete turds?
I've been working with this person's "infra" code, at work. I've rewritten some classes to use their infra. I had a vague idea of how the classes work. I had no idea of how their code works. Expectedly, there were some issues but now only minor ones remain.
I asked them for a description of what I'm supposed to do for the few bugs I'm facing. They replied in such a condescending tone, it made me want to punch them through the screen.
Almost a month later, we're still going back and forth with emails. I've been swallowing it and responding calmly. I never got direct answers. Always deflections to irrelevant things or veiled insults. I took it because they did correct one silly error of mine that actually my code reviewer should've caught. (What's worse is that it got introduced by me just before my review and commit.)
But does that give them the right to insult me in front of the whole team including my project manager? I got a reply today from them with everyone of note in cc implying very clearly that I have not done any work. They highlighted a line from my code with some todo tag (that was not meant for them) to make their invalid point. A line that's unrelated to the bug I asked them about. This is after I proved them wrong when they insisted that I had done something wrong about a feature related to the bug.
If you don't understand what I asked for fucking ask me to ask again. But do not fucking try establish yourself on higher ground by pointing out irrelevant things in my code.
I was shocked and enraged that they'd do such a thing. I double checked everything like a mad man. Despite knowing that the fix has to come from them, I was instantly transported to the noob stage, grasping at straws. I wanted to send a really scathing reply right away but my manager asked me to wait.
My mind is now a see saw shifting between a panicked noob questioning every fucking thing I ever did in my nada life and a hungry enraged monster looking to maul that fucking shithead for burning me like that.1 -
Been working on a new project for the last couple of weeks. New client with a big name, probably lots of money for the company I work for, plus a nice bonus for myself.
But our technical referent....... Goddammit. PhD in computer science, and he probably. approved our project outline. 3 days in development, the basic features of the applications are there for him to see (yay. Agile.), and guess what? We need to change the user roles hierarchy we had agreed on. Oh, and that shouldn't be treated as extra development, it's obviously a bug! Also, these features he never talked about and never have been in the project? That's also a bug! That thing I couldn't start working on before yesterday because I was still waiting the specs from him? It should've been ready a week ago, it's a bug that it's not there! Also, he notes how he could've developes it within 40 minutes and offered to sens us the code to implement directly in our application, or he may even do so himself.... Ah, I forgot to say, he has no idea on what language we are developing the app. He said he didn't care many times so far.
But the best part? Yesterday he signales an outstanding bug: some data has been changed without anyone interacting. It was a bug! And it was costing them moneeeeey (on a dev server)! Ok, let's dig in, it may really be a bug this time, I did update the code and... Wait, what? Someone actually did update a new file? ...Oh my Anubis. HE did replace the file a few minutes before and tried to make it look like a bug! ..May as well double check. So, 15 minutes later I answer to his e-mail, saying that 4 files have been compromised by a user account with admin privileges (not mentioning I knee it was him)... And 3 minutes later he answered me. It was a message full of anger, saying (oh Lord) it was a bug! If a user can upload a new file, it's the application's fault for not blocking him (except, users ARE supposed to upload files, and admins have been requestes to be able to circumvent any kind of restriction)! Then he added how lucky I was, becausw "the issue resolved itself and the data was back, and we shouldn't waste any more yime.on thos". Let's check the logs again.... It'a true! HE UPLOADED THE ORIGINAL FILES BACK! He... He has no idea that logs do exist? A fucking PhD in computer science? He still believes no one knows it was him....... But... Why did he do that? It couldn't have been a mistake. Was he trying to troll me? Or... Or is he really that dense?
I was laughing my ass of there. But there's more! He actually phones my boss (who knew what had happened) to insult me! And to threaten not dwell on that issue anymore because "it's making them lose money". We were both speechless....
There's no way he's a PhD. Yet it's a legit piece of paper the one he has. Funny thing is, he actually manages to launch a couple of sort-of-nationally-popular webservices, and takes every opportunity to remember us how he built them from scratch and so he know what he's saying... But digging through google, you can easily find how he actually outsurced the development to Chinese companies while he "watched over their work" until he bought the code
Wait... Big ego, a decent amount of money... I'm starting to guess how he got his PhD. I also get why he's a "freelance consultant" and none of the place he worked for ever hired him again (couldn't even cover his own tracks)....
But I can't get his definition of "bug".
If it doesn't work as intended, it's a bug (ok)
If something he never communicated is not implemented, it's a bug (what.)
If development has been slowed because he failed to provide specs, it's a bug (uh?)
If he changes his own mind and wants to change a process, it's a bug it doesn't already work that way (ffs.)
If he doesn't understand or like something, it's a bug (i hopw he dies by sonic diarrhoea)
I'm just glad my boss isn't falling for him... If anything, we have enough info to accuse him of sabotage and delaying my work....
Ah, right. He also didn't get how to publish our application we needes access to the server he wantes us to deploy it on. Also, he doesn't understand why we have acces to the app's database and admin users created on the webapp don't. These are bugs (seriously his own words). Outstanding ones.
Just..... Ffs.
Also, sorry for the typos.5 -
I know there has been a million stories on people asking developers for free/cheap work, and having this happen constantly is probably one of the biggest ways coding has impacted my life, but it happened to me for the umpteenth time this morning and I'm still reeling from it.
A close friend of mine asked me to create a bespoke website for her new business. I currently work as a Software/Web Developer so I assume this made sense in her head to ask her friend first.
She gave me some requirements and seeing as I already had a figure in mind, I asked for her budget. She says - 'I don't want to say a figure and insult you with it being too low'.
I tell her I'll work out a figure that benefits both of us, seeing as I would be using this as experience to try out some new stuff and she doesn't want it done until January. Because of this I was already going to give her a great deal on it anyway (in comparison to what it would be if I charged her through the company) because it would practically be a project I'd work on if I had a spare evening.
She said, and I quote: 'We preferably don't want to spend more than £200, and if it's less that is even better'.
I think I was actually more insulted that she thinks something I do for a living is worth £200 or less.
She thinks that designing, programming and writing content for a website is worth < £200.
I think she'll be shocked when I give her the quote that I had in mind. Looks like she'll be getting a WiX website or something for that kind of money.3 -
Code reviewing, came across this:
Double val = item.getPrice() * pointMultiplier;
String[] s = String.split(val.toString(), "\\.");
points = Integer.parseInt(s[0]);
if(Integer.parseInt(s[1]) > 0) { points++; }
Usually I'd leave it at that, but to add insult to injury this was a level 3 developer who had been there for four (4!!!!) years.
She argued with me that we shouldn't round up loyalty points if theres only 0.00001 in the calculation.
I argued that since it's a BigDecimal, we can set the rounding factor of it.
She didn't understand that solution, refused to hear it.
The code is probably still there.5 -
I am already tired before even looking at this code.
Looking at your code makes me cry.
I can insult myself whole day but it won’t be enough to survive looking at your coding style.
If cpu could talk it would ask for heater removal because your code depresses it so much.
Looking at your code makes my monitor burn out.
Downloading your code makes my hard drive stop.
And my favorite:
You’re already good developer so now stop writing and appoint as manager / tester. -
A "safe" Ubuntu update decided to fuck with my AMD drivers and after rebooting, a nostalgic black emergency terminal greeted me with some cryptic message containing hex code as if any mortal user could make sense of it.
To add insult to injury, local mirrors don't have 18.04 which makes apt vomit errors during software installation.
How the hell does the most well known distro out there manage to have problems like that?6 -
If you ever wonder what will Facebook evolve into..
I've seen the future.
20 years from now, there will be 2 sensible people left who can have a civil conversation without trying to insult everyone else who disagrees with them.
Everyone else will be a right dick.
Don't let your social media platform degrade to this level, write better features to deal with abusive asses !
Ignore is a good feature..20 -
Am I the only one who doesn't really see feel or need as an insult? Geek means someone who "messed around" with tech and need is someone who is smart. Why do people get offended by it? I mean, I get that people mean it offensively but is it really something to get that upset about? If someone was to call me a geek or need. Imma walk with my head high and own it.9
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Can people at least write a damn comment and tell me why the fuck they don't like the app???
Yesterday I released an update and noticed someone left a new review, without comments, just a one star review.
First I was worried because maybe the update has some nasty bug, but no, this stupid user rated the app without leaving a comment, GREAT!!!
Now google only shows that specific review because the others were of an old version, so great, now anybody wanting to install my app will only see this shit.
If you already took the time to open the play store specifically to rate the app, fucking say something!!! insult me, say it's a bunch of crap but say something you piece of shit!5 -
I've got a mate at my current work. Most of what we do is insult each other, but there's a real respect there. We were both in similar positions in the company, where we were overworked, underpaid, undervalued and pretty unhappy. He was so helpful when it came to traversing the politics of the company, and how to work out what to do. Plus we get really drunk together all the time. I'm leaving my present company in a few weeks and I'll probably miss having him around the most.
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Every time I read some script kiddy insult here I just think: "you propably did the same thing 10 years ago, not JS but PHP, but it was the same level of shitfuckery and the C/C++ Devs looked the same way at you you look at NodeJS developers now."2
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We've got a big legacy app which we have to rewrite. The current client applications are only working on XP(!). We have to move the clients to the browser so we can finally get rid of all XP vm-s. The db schema is complex but still 1000+ stored procedures and functions and about a hundred tables with 13 years of data.
So I ask the guy responsible for maintaining the DB code. (he is ~25 years older than me)
me - Where is the source of the database. Which project?
he - Where would it be? It's in the db.
me - So we've got a huge db without VCS, upgrade/downgrade scripts, etc?
he - Yes. I don't get why young developers always want to use shiny new tech like git just because it is cool. It has nothing that an external usb backup drive can't do.
me - VCS has been around since the early 1980's...
he - If you really want, you can put it under git or whatever, so you can sleep better, but I still think it is stupid and a waste of time.
I get that it's hard to keep up, but getting personal... -
So... the "boss" was getting really annoying asking for nonsense with a shitty attitude and for some stupid reason i said "I'm Mr. Meeseeks. Look at me!". The reference didn't click, but the insult was there.
That's a way to fuck things up. -
You are like Windows updates personified.
Annoying, persistent...
And I want to punch you in the face. -
Not weird but f*cking annoying co-worker. Everything that sets people off he did. Also he never learn stuff like personal hygiene and stuff. One time my boss had to tell him to go home and not return to work until he took a shower. Also had didn't seem to have any work ethic at all and that got me fuming angry at him as he refused to do any work at all. When I was working in his apartment and got stuff to do he normally did and had way more experience in than me his coworkers were astounished how "fast" I worked when in realitiy I was taking it really easy. And this dickhead managed to make his stuff and then use the other time to play games ore whatever. In the end no one in the IT apartment wanted him to work there anymore. And he even managed to offend and insult our boss so much that he had to call him Mr. instead of his name. My co-workers even collected money for him to come to work looking like a human being and taking care of himself. I'm so glad I am no longer required to talk to or even work with this moron ever again
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Who else shouts at their code when you are trial and erroring it? And by shout I mean hard core yell at, insult and maybe even spit at the screen.3
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I had to make a project for university with a colleague and we shared code through google drive because none of us never used git.
Don't insult me too much please 😂 -
This thesis work is legit putting me to the edge, I literally have been hating coding for the past 3 months and it used to be the #1 most beautiful thing I have ever learned to me.
Proof of how much some people can be fucking disgusting retarded assholes, existing just to steal oxygen. Fermenting my vomit is a better clean air investment than letting these monkeys live. -
I think I need glasses (or at least more coffee) but every time I think about contributing to an open source project maintained by a "Comunity", i find out that I missed the smelly bits in theire massive coc that they want to ram down your throat.
Eigther I missed them every time or some fuck puts them in after I read them.
The first time it's about mostly Standart shit like: don't troll/flame/insult/detract. But than I start seeing: Sexism, Racism, xenophobia, hetotonormativity (wtf nodeJs)/homophobia insta ban. They even assert that you should apologize even if you did nothing wrong and your not allowed to stand your ground or your banned.
And if the mod pulls a fast one on your buddy, not allowed to be discussed in any public forum or your banned too.
What happened? I was sure that only the bigger repos had that shit (like the Linux kernel (that bans you for being pro trump). Have I missed something?
Fuck every repo that does that shit. They ain't gonna get my time or money.9 -
This is a rundown of my day.
Today I had the immense pleasure to continue implementing an web table with server side paging, filters and sorts, and to persist all those values in the url query strings.
Thank fucking god for vue.
And just before sleep, I inflated like 40 balloons for a bday tomorrow and I didn't have an inflator, so let me say this.
FUCK BALLOONS. The brand of these motherfuckers was horrible.
I hate it that they all come with this fucking dust in the bag.
Bitch, I'm putting this shit in my mouth.
Isn't it curious how bitch is like a very powerful insult in the sense that it's very funny but also very validating.
Like you could say that in the middle of argument against a woman and actually win it.
But sadly women don't have an insult against men of which make use, so it's very unfair in my opinion.
In fact there are so many female targeted insults that you kinda feel untouchable as a guy.
Except if a woman insults the size of your dick. That is a fucking tomahawk missile.
Anyhow, not making any type of gender inequality analysis or whatever, I just thought it was a peculiar observation.
Even bigger anyhow , I'm not good at inflating balloons, I'm a web dev, what did you expect? That I could have basic ordinary skills in life.
Helloooo, I said I am a WEB... DEVELOPER.
It's a fucking miracle I am able to complete basic day to day tasks necessary to live.
All I know doing is adding 5 unaudited packages everyday to my current project.
(Just kidding, i'm relatively ok as a coder, but if you actually thought it was true just because of being a web dev, then go eat a dick, and if you didn't like this dyslexia fueled rant, go eat another dick)1 -
I'm getting more and more fed up with my fellow colleagues who encounter errors in the execution of their code and come to me like bumbling idiots..." I don't know ow what's wrong ... It's not working"
DID YOU READ THE FUCKING ERROR MESSAGE? I GUARAN-DAMN-TEE IT TELLS YOU EXACTLY WHAT'S WRONG! YOU KNOW WHAT...EVEN IF ITS NOT 100% CLEAR GOOGLE IT. BET YOU FIND THE ANSWER
To add insult to idiocracy...I recently over heard grumblings of being displeased at current level - fuck off you lazy ass child - if you can't read an error and Google for the damned solution in today's era search engines and developer assistance, you don't deserve to call yourself a "Senior Developer"
People like to act like there's some great secret to becoming a competent developer...I'm posit over half is simple reading comprehension2 -
So, i'm starting to hate being young...
I'm 19, and have been programming for 6 years, almost half of my life, people assume that due to my young age I must be an inexperienced incompetent, shit on me for every line of code I write, insult me every time I make a sintax error...
Well, now I'm working on my own on my first big project, a videogame (it's the reason I started programming in the first place), nobody blames me for their errors, I don't have to justify mi choices to people who don't want to understand and I can stop if I have to study for university...
All of this just to say one thing, please, before blaming the kid, think what you might have done wrong!5 -
Today I noticed I did a very bad thing. My boss gave us $300.00 bonus for christmas. On 30/12/16 (our pay day), the accounts clerk said that our boss will deduct the $300.00 bonus that he gave us for christmas. Which was not true, he didn't deduct it, he included it in the payslip clearly. Without asking question or even looking at the payslip, I have started to insult about my boss to my friends. That was very bad.
I wish god will forgive me.
PS: Please don't comment "404 - God not found."5 -
When shows openly insult your intelligence....
Like o wow that ping commands really gonna do a lot.
6 -
Before I came along, my company was processing orders of type X by hand, taking many hours and being at greater risk of human error. So as a temporary solution, I crafted a console app to do the processing. Then, this app is needed to be accessed remotely. Because adding a newer .NET to a handful of servers was just too much to handle emotionally for management, the console app was revamped to a web app. During this revamping process, I was having my client send me an email so that I could initiate the processing myself until a friendlier UI was available. Well, I finished last night. I sent them an email explaining that it was live, gave them the address, and gave myself a high-five. A moment ago, I get an email from the client insisting that I process those orders quickly so that I don't cause a delay in shipping. FML!! Did they even READ the email I sent them?? They've been suckling at the teat for too long. Adding insult to injury, since the revamping project began, the client would CC my boss every time they emailed to have an order processed as if to hint at their frustration that the project wasn't done yet. Grr....
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So there is this website called 100daysofrunning.in one of the worst design seen ever. They've a submit page which is another app that opens in an iframe.
If you're part of challenge, everyday you've to submit a form. Distance, time, Strava link, date and it's a pain to do so every day.
On the 50th day they restricted the date to7 days, so you cannot post data older then 7 days.
Being a programmer it would have been insult had i entered data manually.
Thanks to casperjs, meteorjs i was able to automate fetch from strava and post on this dumb page.
One day due an error, the script failed and I've missed one day of data entry. That's 2km of running gone invain and I'm out of the challenge.
Programming has mad me lazy. Screw programming. I should've been a dumb idiot to manually add data spending fkin 30 mins, atleast life would be simple. -
At work, when I try to find the best place to implement some code, I read the current code to get why it's here, and if I'm at the right place to do my stuff.
Sometimes the previous dude writes a shitty code because, well, Drupal 8 and he didn't have much choices to make his stuff work.
But some other times just reading the code feels like double checking if I did all my vaccinations. When these moments occure, I activate the annotate mode in PHPStorm so I can see who wrote this piece of dumb shit code, so I can insult him in my head while doing my stuff.
Sorry pal, I'm not paid enough to write a WORKING code for you at your place, but at least you'd know that if you were drowning, I'd share my point of view about this planet's overcrowding. Fucker. -
I spent the last 3 *fucking* hours trying to get bloody BibLatex working on my machine. fuck me upside down with a rusty chainsaw >:( How hard can it possibly be to get 1 fucking reference working for god's sake!!? Referencing its basically the whole fucking reason people use latex alongside typesetting math, why is it so fucking hard!! And to add insult to injury it was working fine in Overleaf, but i have to go through fucking hours of pointless googling and swearing if i wanna do the exact same thing in TexStudio. Fuck! LateX can go to hell, i could have written so much in this time if only the piece of shit bibtex would cooperate a bit...1
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I don't often have reasons to rant, but today is the one.
We had a deadline to finish a project, because today people are being trained on it. I've been working my ass off on it for a year now.
I "finished" about 2 weeks ago, meaning QA could start for real 2 weeks ago. As you can imagine for a project this long, there was bugs. Lots of them.
We did our best to fix most of them, or find work-arounds we could use during the demo.
Let's just say it isn't going great so far. We have several known bugs, which at some point may crash the app, a very low confidence in the fact that it's going to work well.
Oh and obviously the client is one who already use heavily the solution. Today we figured we never tested on a device with 0% disk space. Files are cut partway because of that, and obviously things crash.
I have a feeling there will be yelling sometime soon.
Right now I'm enjoying the calm before the storm, with coffee in hand.
Why do people still continue to promise dates to clients, after me telling them for 5 years not to do that?
We are a 2 devs team, with 11 apps on 2 platforms, 2 back-ends (one is legacy) and obviously our marketing site, which doubles up as e-commerce. We just can't promise anything, because any emergency reduce our development bandwith for new features either to 50% or 0%. There are so much known bugs it's not funny anymore, and we don't even have time to solve those.
To add insult to injury, at the beginning of the month, the SaaS provider for our legacy back-end (which have not been maintained for 2 years now) decided we had to update to PHP7.1 before 1st October. If we don't do anything, on monday this thing is broken. I hate that thing, and I hate having to maintain it even though I was promised I wouldn't have to ever have anything to do on it.
Monday will be "fun"...2 -
writing bunch of lines of code in C just to make a program that says "I love you" but the answer you get from her is:
printf("i have a boyfriend") -
Lol, a date selector for date of birth using mobile doesn't let you select a year, so it put in 0001 by default, and second stage of profile I get an immediate welcome email which days the service is suitable for seniors.
What an insult as both a developer and as a general consumer.. -
Recruiter after not hearing from a company I applied two months ago: "Please accept my apology for a belated reply, I am struggling with Office 365."
Fucker - if complexity of Office caused a two month delay to answer a fucking email than you need to have your small spastic brain checked asap.
Should've just kept his mouth shut rather than to insult people by sending these kind of excuses.2 -
If you post about how your program runs on first execution without testing it up until said execution, I will call you a terrible, unprofessional programmer, and an insult to the craft right in your mother's face.4
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Holy fucking shit bois. This is gonna be a long one.
So, its my last studying year for me. I found a nice apprenticeship in a dev company for which i'll have to make apps and stuff, so, I'll work at the company and at school.
Now it's good innit? Well here's the catch. I have to sign a contract for this. And the CUNT who is filling this shit is retarded enough to fuck up.
This bitch, a 40 yo accountant, surely filled many goddamn contracts before mine, but nooo, this wanker fucked this, the contract was missing important infos and some of them were incorrect, in short, it's not valid, 0/10, will never sign this.
Now here's the fun part, this cunt asked me for my infos, i gave them to him so that he could fill the document : he misinterpreted them, filling the paper with junk.
Today, I heard that he is unhappy of my behaviour towards him, and that I shouldn't insult his work with these accusations, saying that if I gave them more info (for which they didn't ask), there would be no problems.
He then called me, while I was in class, he acted smugly, said I was unclear and that I should gather more info for them, in other terms, "lmao do this yourself cunt"
"Fuck you, you cumstain, if you would've asked me, I would've been able to give you these infos right away, but you didn't, it's your fault for this, you're breaking mah balls yadda yadda"
(Roughly what I said, especially the insults)
I'm now forced to fill the contract myself because this bitch isn't able to google shit for 5 minutes to find everything he needed.
I have had so many problems with people of his kind, that I can't stand them now. Are they like animals? Do they feel my hate for them?
Sorry for dat long post, but fuck this, if the contract isn't filled, signed, and validated before the end of the month, I'm fucked, since i won't be able to sign up for the school.
Does anyone have had any problems like this? Like, a very egocentric cunt that isn't able to do something good because he is too proud to ask, so he prefers doing things his own way?1 -
I'm creating a bitmap font right now and wanted to automatically generate a image with some text so I can track my progress how it looks. gnome-font-viewer displays it fine, but it'd nothing compared to some real text. Well, how hard can it be?
First attempt: Use ImageMagick to create an image and draw some text. I found a forum post in the ImageMagick forums from 2017 claiming incorrect rendering of BDF fonts, which was promised to be fixed. Yet convert does exactly nothing besides saying “couldn't read font”.
Looking around, there is exactly one tool for the job I'm looking to get done: pbmtext. It works, but doesn't support Unicode. Egh.
Maybe I could write a short script to do it, then? Python's Pillow can import Bitmap fonts (cairo can't). Halfway done I notice it can't deal with anything outside of the character range 0..256.
Using FreeFont directly is out of the question as that seems to be equally much work as creating the font in the first place. I briefly tried SDL, but the font formats it understands are limited.
So how about converting the font then, you ask? Everyone seems to be only concerned about the other way (like OTF to BDF). I tried loading the font into FontForge and exporting an OTF or TTF but couldn't get anything out of it that ImageMagick recognizes as a font.
It seems fucking impossible to render text to an image with an Unicode BDF font in some automated way.
To add insult to injury, my searches containing “bdf” are always interpreted as with “pdf”. I'm not even a Franconian, I can distinguish B and P!4 -
We are legion, the legion of galley slaves inside the hold of the bit machinery, who insult themselves as code monkeys as if we were hitting our keyboards until we get Shakespeare or something compilable, while it is us, the anonymous mass of developers that shift the bits such that the Gates and gatekeepers on deck can present the working code or content monstrosity, while we in the engine room looking at the source don't understand how anything could be working.2
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Oh that’s easy. I was doing this side project for a client and this coworker of mine wanted in. The whole time we were working he would just insult my code while writing almost no code. His boyfriend was supposed to help with the front end, but he didn’t know what he was doing, so I ended up doing his work for him too.
In the end the client screwed us and not paying us the majority of what we were still due. So naturally my shit head coworker demanded that he at least get his full share despite doing nothing but criticizing my code. When I wanted some of the money, he threatened to sue me. What a dick. -
One of my least favourite parts of the world of programming is the "there's a usecase for everything" attitude. Like take this part of "You don't know Javascript" https://github.com/getify/...
> But var is still useful in that it communicates "this variable will be seen by a wider scope". Both declaration forms can be appropriate in any given part of a program, depending on the circumstances.
Now you would imagine that after this comment the author added a good example of this or at least had a reference to another part of the book where it showed this, but nope it goes on to include this note:
> It's very common to suggest that var should be avoided in favor of let (or const!), generally because of perceived confusion over how the scoping behavior of var has worked since the beginning of JS. I believe this to be overly restrictive advice and ultimately unhelpful. It's assuming you are unable to learn and use a feature properly in combination with other features. I believe you can and should learn any features available, and use them where appropriate!
Which again, "durr there's a usecase for this feature" or rather it's coming with basically an insult towards people who don't think you should use var without actually addressing anything. And what usually happens when someone tries to "there's a usecase for everything" is to either be really vague, or come up with some silly thing that you "might" do. -
It seems that my barometer for whether I would stay long in a company is roughly 1.5 years. Because apparently that's how long it takes to gauge if:
(a) The work I'm doing is fulfilling or self-satisfying
(b) My colleagues make work a fun and challenging experience
(c) My bosses are people I can be proud to work for.
Right now, the tally thus far:
(a) The work is half crap, supporting old code (fuck Swig and Architect, by the way) or fixing bugs on old projects. New projects are always mismanaged, and I mean ALWAYS (let's do Agile and create tickets but hey the requirements are still in progress so do start anyway and we'll file everything as bug tickets until they're done)
(b) I'm sure it's an effect of going remote working for the last few months, but I'm feeling detached from my team. It's fine I guess.
(c) My manager is okay, he's a good guy who listens and is also technical so we get along. But his boss (who oversees several teams. including ours) is a total prick who loves to insult people at their expense as a joke. He knows nobody's gonna talk smack back so he just does it without repercussions.
I'll probably see if I can move around internally to a different division since the pandemic makes it difficult to find work externally. I'm grateful I have a job, but I shouldn't have to feel like I owe the company for that at the cost of my personal happiness.
Just gotta #survive2020 I suppose.
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