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25 phrases you wish you could say at work more often
(Warning: Contains naughty words...:-)))
1. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
11. I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
25. Who me? I just wander from room to room18 -
Not a windows hate rant, just a funny encounter at work.
Was configuring KDE on my work pc and got the windows key to work after a little configuration.
Me: YAY I finally got the windows key to launch the application menu bar thingy!!
Colleague 1 (fellow support engineer): WINDOWS?! Thanks for the ear cancer mate 😞
Colleague 2 (fellow support engineer): Hey stop swearing!
Colleague 3 (senior Linux engineer): *grabs nearest waste bin, pulls it open, puts head in and starts to make vomiting noises* *pulls head out: don't do that again 🤢"*
Colleague 4 (senior Linux engineer): *gives me a death stare for about a minute"
Me: *completely losing it* 🤣
I fucking love this place 😊26 -
Monday morning cup of coffee with my new mug. Definitely my favorite thing on my desk at the moment.
8 -
Friend: Hey! How do you uh... alt tab out of the game?
Me: *wtf* Uhhh... You press alt tab.
Friend: *after 10 seconds* Oh! That’s why it is called alt tab.
Me: *crying laugh emoji*
5 -
!Rant
Thought this was kind of funny for us lady devs/programmers, and something we can relate to.
The lady in the image is an engineer/programmer and is getting married but doesn't have any girlfriends (since she works in a mostly male oriented field, like us). So instead of having female bridesmaids she had her close brogrammers / college classmates stand up in her wedding with her. I mean, it was probably less drama, anyways! 😂
I'm the only girl on my team so I def relate!
*not my pic*
22 -
*taking out phone in the middle of the night*
PHONE: MAY THE LIGHT OF ONE THOUSAND SUNS PIERCE YOUR MORTAL EYES14 -
1998 talk: Copy the Internet
I was surfing the web on my good old windows 98 pc, a younger friend comes to my place and sees me using IE. Sudently he asks:
Friend: What is that program?
Me: It's Internet Explorer.
Fr: - What is it for?
Me: - Well, you can write something here, (url), to go to different sites, search for stuff you like, participate in foruns, etc...
Fr: - Oh yeah, I know what that is, my cousin also has that in his PC, but I don't.
...(Little pause)...
- Can you copy the internet for me? Because I don't have it.
Me: You can't copy the Internet! You need a phone connection.
Fr - But I'll give you a floppy disk, you put that program there, and then I can use it too.
Me - The shortcut won't give you Internet!
I think I ended up copying the shortcut of IE to him, just to prove my point.
The funny thing is that the link really worked because he also had IE in his machine, while not in the workspace, however it was exactly in the same folder location as mine, but obviously he didn't had a wired phone connection.
Fr - "Maybe I need to copy something more! The program opens but it doesn't show anything."7 -
*watching funny clip*
*boss comes at you*
Boss: hey man, we need to...
You: just look at this thing, it's hilarious!
*watching clip together*8 -
Facebook employees need to work on their sense of humor -.-
Found it in React Native docs (https://facebook.github.io/react-na...)
8 -
Story time!
My exboyfriend used to code in php 5. It’s his favourite programming language, and I hardly teached him how to code in Python.
One day, I said to him: Hey schatz, let’s go to the sex shop ...
He: Oh yeah 😏
Me: ... and buy an elephant thong 😁
He: What?!
Me: Yes, a blue elephant thong for Php
Me laughed
Me: So?
He: No way!
Me: Please!!!!!
He: Ok. I’m working at a cultural events web page. When I got my first client, we’ll go to the sex shop and buy the “php thong”.
Well... I broke up with him before we could go to the sex shop 💔😂😭( for another reasons, not for the php thong, obviously)
Do you have any funny story like this?
29 -
Reviewer: your pr has unit tests
Me: yes
Reviewer: well, we never had unit tests, this is kind of an issue, not sure how to handle this right now
return "LOL"9 -
Back in my teenage , a friend of mine asked me «Can you make me a software that guesses the result of a football match ?» I said «Sure, but you have to tell me how to calculate the chances of a team»
«Yeah, use the previous performances in the league»
«Ok, but you have to tell me how to calculate the expected result using previous performances» He laughed at me and said «If i knew how to calculate chances of winning/losing, i would not need a software!»
I tried to explain it simply «Computers can execute basic operations like sums or subtractions, and they know how to follow a list of basic instructions to give you a result»
He looked me like «If computers are so stupid like you are telling me now, are we all crazy idiots trying to learn how to use stupid machines??» and stated that i obviously misunderstood the real power of a computer. I walked back home thinking how funny was my friend believing in some kind of magic inside box called pc.
Few years later, i start studying IT at university. In the free time i look for small jobs like website development, small office network setup, pcs repair.
I continue noticing people believing that pcs knows what to do and how to do it.
«You sure I lost my data ? No i didn't do a backup. You sure my pc didn't do a backup ? No i hadn't a backup software»
«Why antivirus asks me what to do with the viruses it found. It should delete them obviously! Change my antivirus, it's too stupid for my pc»
«I want more people finding my business thanks to my website. How I imagine my website ? Yeah it has to be cool and full of cool stuff»
All that boring stories leads to my final question :
is our job dealing with persons who think we are some kind of wizard, well learned about dominating the pc magic ?
Please answer no.Please.15 -
My girlfriend said when she first started doing tech recruiting she asked a candidate "How many years of experience do you have in C.... pound sign...?"
I would absolutely die if I had a question like that haha6 -
I love fakeupdate.net - that's the way I teach my colleges to lock their screen when they leave the room.
Yesterday I made a Windows 98 screen, turned off the other monitor and disabled the keyboard. First my college was so cool and said: "I know this already just press f11" then he freaked out why this isn't working and wanted to call the support. Was a funny day.5 -
It's really funny to build a PHP based RSS feed generator when, this morning, I hardly knew what RSS even was 😆11
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*girl in office call IT guy*
Girl: my computer isn't working
Guy: what happened?
Girl: screen is blank.. nothing on it
Guy: ok... I'll replace the monitor (starts unplugging)
Girl: wait.. wait.... I didn't took backup yet..
Guy: *face plam*6 -
In my company we have a weekly meeting for the Tech deparment, so today the IT Director (my direct manager) was describing an issue we are experiencing with our DNS, and he asked
"What we should do with our DNS?"
Instantly I said out loud:
"Resolve them"3 -
What's your funniest error message while testing your code ?
For me : Fatal error - Parachute deployed.
0_o11 -
Christmas song for UNIX hackers:
better !pout !cry
better watchout
lpr why
santa claus < north pole > town
cat /etc/passed > list
ncheck list
ncheck list
cat list | grep naughty > nogiftlist
cat list | grep nice > giftlist
santa claus < north pole > town
who | grep sleeping
who | grep awake
who | egrep 'bad|good'
for (goodness sake) {
be good
}
(By Frank Carey, AT&T Bell Laboratories, 1985 )1 -
Introducing my parents/sister to devRant. This is way more explaining then I thought but very funny 😅.
Especially explaining the word devRant, the principle of comments and rants and how mentions and tags work is a challenge 😆13 -
There was this dude in my class named Mohammed and he always wrote this code that worked well but removing one teeny tiny thing would fuck up everything. My teacher then introduced the word "Mogramming" and whenever someone wrote code in the way Mo did the teacher would go like 'hey, stop mogramming and start programming!". Yeah, that was funny :).
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!rant
The last two days we were only young people @ our Office.
Because we are funny as fuck we put the jacket of our smallest college on the sealing xD
Oh gosh I love work sometimes so much :D
11 -
My wife wouldn't stop asking me to help her with FB. As a joke I told her if she didn't quit, I'd delete it (Tech stuff goes over her head like a 747). Well, she kept on so I opened up the Dev tools. I started by adding just some non sense to one of the divs. She saw it pop up on screen and was like "Wait...you can really do that?" then I highlighted the body tag and hit backspace. The whole thing disappeared, it was great. She legit freaked out for a minute and begged me to fix it. I popped up the console and started typing random things. Created an array with some mumbo-jumbo, a couple of quick, meaningless functions and snuck hitting Ctrl+R in there, refreshing the page. She was so happy that Facebook worked again, that she stopped asking me how to do whatever it was7
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last week was the funniest week in my damn life.
so apparently, some of friend knew about i can make some mobile applications, lets just call her riri. and that week, riri's Instagram account got hacked.
whats so funny about it? she ask me to get her account back or she'll accuse me as the one who hacked her account.
when i ask her, how could i bring her account back, she replied with, "why would you ask me? you were the one who good at computer thingy"
SO?
if i can drive a car, you'll assuming that i can make a car and repair it myself?
haha, funny6 -
When you read some incredibly bad code, thinking "What moron wrote this...", but halfway through it starts to become familiar:
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I don't know how anyone could write complex programs with C (though they apparently used to and still many do)
11 -
A recent quest to annoy the Mrs.
Changed the name of her Chromecast to "David's C*ck". Then, when she casts her videos, her phone reads: "America's Next Top Model" currently playing on David's C*ck"
- Its the small victories!3 -
Earlier this day i reached 1000++. Nice, isn't it?
Suddenly an idea comes to my mind.
Why not make a rant and thank everybody? And now comes the important part:
Why not make up a funny story telling how i met @dfox and welcomed @linuxxx and @alice on devRant?
Because somehow the story isn't funny at all because nobody got that it was a joke...
Went great...
People think i'm really old (19 btw.)
People think I know @dfox personally
@linuxxx can't even remember how I never welcomed him
So... sry... I guess? But thanks for the really nice comments!9 -
Story when I worked as a 1st line technician:
Customer: "Yes hello, I'm trying to install Windows as instructed, but the installer is not starting"
Me: "Ok, have you tried pressing [button] at the bootscreen?"
C: "Yes, over and over, still nothing happens"
This was actually one of my first calls, so my co-worker stepped in to help while I listened.
Co-worker: "okay, so when you rebooted the computer, press [button] and tell me what happens"
C: "....okay, I think it's starting"
Co-w: "Great! I'll just wait until it's running"
A minute goes by, installer seems to be running, but then we hear a loud BEEP. It's so loud another coworker hears it from his desk, through our headsets. A moment goes by, and it BEEPS again. Then the sound begins again, but doesn't stop. It's like an air horn at full blow. We ask the customer what he's doing, but he cannot hear us over the constant beep. We're brainstorming what it could be, when he finally says something:
"CAN.. LET.. OF.."
Co-w: "WHAT???"
"CAN I LET GO OF THE BUTTON??"
-----
I think we laughed the whole day1 -
Recently in Computer Science Class...
The teacher said we should copy a text/ sentence to our clipboard. A student asked where the clipboard were and looked behind the keyboard. He isn't the smartest.
Thought that was funny.
5 -
My girlfriend said "Go to the store and buy a carton of milk and if they have eggs, get six."
I came back with 6 cartons of milk. She asked "why in the hell did you buy six cartons of milk?"
"They had eggs"3 -
I started attending this IoT class in some computer training school. During my first class, I was early because I had the raspberry pi class earlier in the day. A guy came up to me and started chatting to me, he was bragging about how he created some big projects, how he works in his dad's company which develops IoT products (he codes it). Later on in class he talked about how he hacked his school's server or something and changed his marks. Whenever he brags, he has a tendency to use a deeper voice (which is pretty annoying).
Anyways so I thought he is pretty good and maybe I can learn a thing or two from him. A few class later, I started having my doubts, why? Because he doesn't know how to debug code, he copies the lecturer's code and still copies it wrong, and he doesn't know what variables and constants are. He uses IE and doesn't know about GitHub.
Now he asks me or the guy in front for help in class. He makes the class more fun, it's funny listening to him brag. Love it.2 -
What's up with this "funny" tag that everyone is using with their rant? If your rant is funny then we'll automatically laugh.4
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Isn't it funny?
My whole life i was asked to improve my handwriting.
And currently all i am doing is
tap tap tap click click tap click tap tap tap click tap click tap tap click tap click tap tap tap click6 -
!rant
I just discovered Frink.
A programming language designed to make physical calculations simple.
Funny sample calculations.
See:
https://frinklang.org//...2 -
!rant / funny
Here is something I saw online while in bed, made me laugh so much cried myself to sleep.
Reminded me of the time my mgr pushed me to make an android app despite me having no prior exp then getting snippy when the end results weren't up to it...
A game designer wanted to commission some conceptual artwork about monsters.
He asked the freelance artist to make him something kinda unique but not too far off, something like a mix between a centaur and a minotaur
The artist unfamiliar with that kinda work asked for more details, the designer said ah just mix em together , its easy, half bull half man and the other half man half horse (already incorrect) and he sent the man off to work.
A couple days later the artist is back...
Here its done, had to look up the monsters online but here ya go....
game designer : wtf is is ?!😡
Arist: half centaur half mino... whats wrong?! 😒
Designer: yeah but you got the wrong halves you dimwit!
you gave me a half "man-half-another-man" creature 😡
Disclaimer:
I found the image somewhere online with not much of any context or history .
I just know it was the product of a massive miscommunication 😂so I patched the story up for this rant
1 -
So, company I work at, is on desperate need of PHP developers, who can work in WordPress and Magneto. Company announced vacancy.
Only 20 CVs were dropped 4 days before from today. So company called all of them for interview and I was one of the interviewer. Most of applicants told me that they know Laravel but not WordPress.
I was like fine. Maybe they can work on WordPress too. But I was wrong. Here are some funny interviews:
Me: how many types of inheritance does PHP support?
Applicant 1: 7. Single, multiple, etc..
Me: Do you know difference between interface and abstract class?
Applicant 2: (he just said some gibberish)
Me: why do u prefer Laravel to WordPress?
Applicant 3: because by default Laravel support payment gateway, so we can create e commerce application faster. WordPress doesn't support payment gateway.
Me: how many WordPress site you have worked on?
Applicant 4: I have 4 themes in WordPress.org
Me: Do you create all of them by yourself?
Applicant 4: Yes
Me: Do u know difference between require and include?
Applicant 4: No
Me: Do u know difference between query_posts and WP_Query?
Applicant 4: No
Me: (facepalm)6 -
haha funny
Made by me, the inspiration came after I actually almost wrote a console.log while debugging, it had been a long time since I last touched Java.
7 -
Does anyone own any funny-ish domains?
Mine are:
realog.site - used for testing websites for clients
imgoing.global - will be my personal site / portfolio soon9 -
My dad once told me "Computers are stupid because they do what you tell them to do, not what you want them to do." and honestly that gets truer the more I mess with 'em.2
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Ohhhh yes MultiROM i have beaten you.
Touch fully working now finally.
Now to fix multiROM TWRP and im done.
Funny that i added support to MultiROM manager before actuall MultiROM. -
Devrant is the only platform I'm considered to be even remotely funny.
...
Those were pity upvotes weren't they..? 😭 -
Although I know you can disable the updates and this is not everyone's music style etc, I thought I'd share this song since I find it very funny:
Amentis - Stupid Updates
https://youtube.com/watch/...
(Music genre: Rawstyle) -
You will think you are having a bad day, until you come on devRant and read so real shit happening to people.
And, I honestly do find most of the rants here to be fucking hilarious.
I know and understand that these are real frustrations people are going through; but bitch, can I laugh if I find your rant funny? And use some symbols too?10 -
I love most of the usernames here, I really like how most choose funny names related to developing or what they do, don't you also like that fashion?14
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Me: *creates a new telegram bot*
User: Hey, compliments for the bot! How did you create that? Did you use HTML or other programming stuff?
Me: ...
The funny thing is that 1 week later I discovered that someone actually created a library to create your own bot with HTML and CSS too. -
Recently at school...
We got new projectors in every classroom. My teacher asked me if you can turn the projector. It's worth mentioning that the projectors are installed under the ceiling (hopefully this sentence is correct). WHO DO YOU THINK I AM? THE ALMIGHTY GOD OF PROJECTORS?
IDK if this is funny but I thought I share it with you.
4 -
the funny thing about bugs, they reproduce on their own just fine, and often where you don't want to them. the trick is figuring out how they reproduce so you can work out how to make them stop reproducing. to do that, you have to intentionally reproduce them.2
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Funniest still was when I changed google.com to go to yahoo.com and visa versa. Also made the Xerox panel display "Insert Coins to continue"... Fun times, funny April fool's prank.
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Anyone knows of some legitimate require names that sound funny?
I was inspecting the google stock api with Ruby. Just fucking around with the console and used the pretty printer for which the require reads as:
require 'pp'
And i could not stop laughing even though I have known of this lib for a while now.
I know...i am immature as fuck but this made me laugh a lot.10 -
So, we use spring boot extensively in our project. Few weeks ago in our weekly meeting, sitting on a bean bag I impulsively commented,
"Why is spring boot called spring boot and not the bean bag".
Dead silence.
Then everyone laughs.1 -
What is the most sadistic thing you have done as a developer? What ways have you intentionally fucked up other people with your code/projects?4
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I found this funny, or my dev-humor is just really bad :>
Friend: Ugh
Friend: Java and BlueJ.
Friend: Why you indicate relationships between classes that have no relationships.
Friend: Fu BueJ
Me: It's called a crush :wink:
Me: *badum-tssss*
Precision: As in having a crush on a person, but no relationship :)1 -
I use a stand on of of my laptops, so the thing is normally inclined.
Today i just decided to lay it flad and noticed a strange purring sound coming from one of the fans.
I just thought it was funny since I don't recall of a time in which the laptop was not flat4 -
My life is like...
When someone you hate says something funny and you try not to laugh. :P
Bruh, it hurts so deep5 -
Funny story...
Got a small college assignment based on Java and Cassandra(database). The database shell was running fine. Spent 5 days removing the random java exceptions and working on the basic connectivity, searched everywhere on Stack overflow and other forums for solutions and still no help.
So, I decided to write a program that would print only the output as I knew what would be the output when it will run. Took a screenshot of it and made up a cover story to tell my professor that I did it on a friend's computer.
But while I was taking a screenshot of the Eclipse with code window and output window, some random syntax errors popped up.(but they weren't syntax error).
So I created a new project and copied the pom.xml file and the code into the new one(I tried this one before and it didn't work). And there were no errors. So I took a screenshot of it with output of different file and opened a different file.
But then, don't know what came across my mind and I clicked on run just to see if this works, and it worked fine. And now I'm like.. WTF JUST HAPPENED!! -
Go to google and type in "do a barrel roll" and see what happens... I wonder how many people now about this5
-
I've always found it funny when sql errors "at or near" a character. I don't know enough about sql to understand why it does that (although I'm sure there a reason!)....but it just sounds like it's not trying hard enough 😂
Maybe someone smarter can explain?1 -
!rant
Digging though my old emails found this joke sent to me long time ago. Think that originally was posted in a 1997 issue of Computerworld. Maybe you already suffered the effect of the "Opcodes" listed here. Hope that !tl;dr
ARG Agree to Run Garbage
BDM Branch and Destroy Memory
CMN Convert to Mayan Numerals
DDS Damage Disk and Stop
EMR Emit Microwave Radiation
ETO Emulate Toaster Oven
FSE Fake Serious Error
GSI Garble Subsequent Instructions
GQS Go Quarter Speed
HEM Hide Evidence of Malfunction
IDD Inhale Dust and Die
IKI Ignore Keyboard Input
IMU Irradiate and Mutate User
JPF Jam Paper Feed
JUM Jeer at Users Mistake
KFP Kindle Fire in Printer
LNM Launch Nuclear Missiles
MAW Make Aggravating Whine
NNI Neglect Next Instruction
OBU Overheat and Burn if Unattended
PNG Pass Noxious Gas
QWF Quit Working Forever
QVC Question Valid Command
RWD Read Wrong Device
SCE Simulate Correct Execution
SDJ Send Data to Japan
TTC Tangle Tape and Crash
UBC Use Bad Chip
VDP Violate Design Parameters
VMB Verify and Make Bad
WAF Warn After Fact
XID eXchange Instruction with Data
YII Yield to Irresistible Impulse
ZAM Zero All Memory -
Computer exam tommorow .
Me to my frnds easy lol.
Later that night
To youtube - how to do java programmes😂😂1 -
Funny thing I like to do sometimes that I learned from the movie called Office Space:
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, I just stare at my desk, but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch too, I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work. -
Please read this it is a very good article about today's youth.
http://coding2learn.org/blog/2013/... -
"itseems like you know something about computers"
"Yea!", You haven't got the slightest idea, mortal!1 -
That's funny how I'm pretty sure I had interaction on devRant with people I know IRL, without the possibility to verify. I like the mystery that maybe the guy I saw commenting or ranting is someone I am familiar with.2
-
*Overheard at the train station*
"So... if you make programs you're a programmer. But if you make computers you're a computerer?" -
So to keep me going through the day I sometimes entertain myself by adding funny comments to my pull requests. I sit there giggling to myself like some sort of lunatic and the rest of the office probably think I'm a nutcase.
Todays gem was:
Added timeout to prevent hanging. Bet they wish they'd had this feature in the 16th century
Honestly I think my talents are wasted here...1 -
!dev
My normal lunch break is usually watching random YouTube channels or reading random wiki pages, so today as I was reading random wiki pages I came across Japanese voice actor Natsuki Hanae wiki page and there was section that told he also does "Let's play" videos on YouTube, so I decided to check it out. Well, it wasn't exactly what I expected but was so funny as hell I couldn't stop laughing when he and two other VA was playing UNO.
https://youtu.be/OHe3JMd_XCg5 -
I read this today.
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, that's a hardware problem.1 -
QUOTES QUOTES QUOTES!
I need funny coder quotes for the office wall. If you have any you would like to share stick them in the comments, once my wall is done I'll upload a picture.2 -
It's funny.
When you are underpaid, you boss treats you well. Grants you everything you wish, etc.
After one year, when you request a raise, and asking to be paid NEAR the salary you deserve, and after you agree, he starts to act cold. -
my primary goals are:
Continue to learn and improve my developer skills.
Learn and be better at system analysis (through dealing with customers) and system designTo move towards a team lead position.
Learn project management
Learning about the company to find where I can make a contribution from a business perspective rather than just an IT perspective -
Found some funny jokes e.g.:
Chuck Norris writes code that optimizes itself.
Look at : http://codesqueeze.com/the-ultimate... -
Funny login screen bug: the title and the jokes changed, but the image did not.
(This is partly photoshopped, since I couldn't catch all the 3 "hot spots" open together in a single print screen)
1 -
Long time no see!
I'm thinking about creating a Youtube channel to create some funny dev projects.
The first one is going to be: "Creating the DevOps nightmare", where I'll create a server health-checker to run on my raspberry-pi, and if the checked fails it'll trigger an API to call him with the voice of my boss, saying that if he doesn't fix that, he will be fired.
What do you guys think?2 -
Funny to find out that IntelliJ has a Shortcut for getter and Setter after making a own Programm that writes those methods trough String building...
-
The best page for funny dev related GIFs is http://thecodinglove.com, btw...
After devRant of course 😜 -
In the devrant frontpage I see:
Js bro
Design hipster
Algo sister
Is this really what they look like? I have seen both design hipster and algo sister but Im not that sure about Js bro
1
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