I guess my dog doesnt like Dev rant. Bye bye 1.5 year old stress ball :,(

A sad day it is

Random : Hey you're a programmer right?

Me : Yeah? *excited about possibilities*

Random : I am having troubles installing a game I downloaded. I've been trying for three weeks now.

Me : *sigh* OK, I'll have a look, but I can't guarantee I'll get it right.

*Spend about 10 seconds installing game.*

Random : How did you do that?

Me : I read the error message, it was pointing to the wrong file.

Random : You are a god man *calls wife* come look at this genius. *calls daughter* look at that *calls dog* this guy is so amazing.

I also now avoid Random, he had three hard drives, each with a different version of Windows installed, he totally screwed his bios, he admitted not having put thermal paste on his cpu. And he asked me to fix all of this whenever I have time.

I am not your computer fixer guy. Take It to the shop.

My dog learning nodejs.

manager: we need to design an admin system for a veterinary centre

dev: ok, this is it, remember your training

class Dog extends Animal {}

When I get a dog, I'm naming it "Sudo".

1: Get a dog
2: Name dog Sudo
3: Teach Sudo to fetch my mail
4: Invite Linux-friend over
5: Yell "sudo fetchmail"
6: ?
7: Profit

They say a man's best friend is his dog.
But a developer's best friend is his log!

!rant
Happy holidays ranters!

7 am. Dog wants out. I roll out of bed after trying to pretend I am dead.

Walk down the stairs to the side door. Half asleep and notice that the door has daylight shining through on the lock side. Didn't shut it all the way the night before. Walk outside. Dog does his thing. Turn around. Doors locked.

Fuck.

Go for my phone. In the house. Go for my keys. In the house. Fuck. Fuck a duck.

Start checking my windows. One opens a fraction of an inch. Doesn't do me any good. Dog is outside with me. Freezing his ass off. It's like 5 degrees here.

Both of my neighbors don't answer their door. Life flashes before my eyes. Put my dog in my jacket to warm him up. Little 15lb rat terrier. Not made for snow.

He's fine for now. I grab a piece of rebar from my backyard and lever my window a bit more open, busting one of the locks.

And then I yell "ALEXA. OPEN THE FRONT DOOR." The voice of an angel responds. "OK." Whirrr. Click. Door opens. Sweet warmth.

I need a fake rock with a key under it.

Great Sunday.

Coworker in my team recently said to boss:

"Thanks, this conversation with you has taught me so much about single-threaded blocking I/O"

Some random PR comments from our company's repository:

"Are you insured? I hope you are insured"

"Learning git is not that difficult. You only need one command: git reset --hard"

*Link to amazon for dog poop bags*
"Please clean up your shit, before I step in it"

"Have you thought about a career in sales? At least there you might sell your bullshit"

Dog logic..

$ cat "door: paws too slippery"
cat: cannot open door: paws too slippery

$ touch /woman
touch: cannot touch `woman': Permission denied

$ look into "my eyes"
can’t open my eyes

$ man -kisses dog
dog: nothing appropriate

Me and my girlfriend are taking care of our friend’s dog for a few days. The dog’s name is Debi, i immediately started calling her Debian 😃

My dog gave me some new debug buddies :D

My dog murdered my stressball

It’s 2018 on devrant

I just got a new pet too

I’m gonna name this after my real dog. Meet “Rara”

Boss: I don't trust anything open source, I don't want you using anything that is open source
Me: But why?
Boss: Years ago I used plugin z and it was open source then days later it took control of my computer and wiped the prod database.
Me: *burns internally*
Me: By any chance do you happen to remember the name of the plugin?
Boss: Yeah, I think it was x
Me: *googles* Hey, according to this it is closed source?
Boss: Exactly what I said, closed source software sucks.
Me: FML

/*
Afterword:
So am I allowed to use open source software or not???
*/

Someday my toaster is going to have an IP address. A bad automatic firmware update will most likely cause it to get stuck on the bagel setting until I plug a usb key in and reflash the memory.

Grandma's refrigerator will probably get viruses, lock itself and freeze all the food inside, demanding bitcoin before defrosting.

My blender will probably be used in a massive DDoS attack because Ninja's master MAC address list got leaked and the hidden control panel login is admin/admin.

Ovens will burn houses down when people call in to have them preheat on their way home from work.

Correlations between the number of times the lights are turned on and how many times the toilet is flushed will yield recommendations to run the dishwasher on Thursdays because it's simply more energy efficient.

My dog will tweet when he's hungry and my smart watch will recommend diet dog food in real-time because he's really been eating too much lately--"Do you want to setup a recurring order on Amazon fresh?"

Sometimes living in a cave sounds nice...

If you disrupt my working flow and you're not

1) On fire.
2) About to explode.
3) You're dog is dead(dogs are the shit)
4) Snoop dog is in the building

Then you're a cunt.

Guess the training accuracy

Named my dog sudo, so that i can call or command him with authority. Sudo sit! Sudo eat! Sudo roll over! Isn’t it cool?

but my dog is 25.5 pounds.

New rant = Rant.type(['non-dev', 'public transportation']).init()

So i am taking the bus now to see a friend, and this fucking whale woman comes on board with a baby caddy, except, it wasn't for a baby, but for a fucking dog the size of a brick. That already in itself makes me grumble because dogs have fucking legs and there is no fucking real need to carry them around like newborns.... Anyways this woman sits and takes up a lot of space for the 'handicapped' persons for her fucking baby dog... So far no real issue there since people with disabilities hardly get on this bus line. A fzw bus stops later an equally whale black woman gets on the bus, obviously struggling with her size and her caddy filled with groceries...

There is enough room to accomodate the baby caddy and her groceries.
That fucking white whale says to her 'there is no room there, move someplace else'... The black woman stands there in disbelief, and this is the first time i look up, giving the 'the fuck you just say bitch' look to the white whale. I mention there is enough room and the black whale sits carefully next to the dog caddy.

Now the bus takes a sharp turn, the dog caddy tips over due to the g-forces it causes...and inmediately this white whale shouts to the black whale 'fucking retard, don't tip my dog over!' this while the black woman apologises for the fall of the caddy not even being her fault...

This angered me so puch that i rantzd to this woman: 'madam, thzre is such a thing called physics, the bus made a sharp turn and your stupud useless space-wasting dog caddy tipped over bzcause of that. Don't just go accusing people for your own degenerate racist lifestyle. I suggest you hold on to it and apologise to the lady'

She then murmles incomprehensibly and gives a butthurt look, rhe black woman thanks me and tries to remain very quiet on her seat, eventually she gets off

This fucking thing makes me angry to a level i wanna toeturz that whale by peeling off her skin with garden fence metal wiri g, suck the fat out of her body and brain with an industrial vacuum cleaner and put her in the fucking oven baking in her own fat, of course without any anesthetics...

Damnit all to hell!

Also, why on earth do dogs need caddy's? They got perfectly fine legs!

I know, sadist inside

Just saved a life. I was just walking with the dog (it's 3am here) and there was a bleeding drunk on the street - completely unconscious. Must have fallen on his head. Got the police. The paramedics told me a few minutes ago that the guy had a skull fracture. A few hours later it would probably have been too late for him.

Goodbye to programmers best friend. He was the best dog, the best listener, a great pair programmer, and someone to keep my lap warm while I work. And more than all of that, even though he was a dog...he was my friend. Goodnight buddy. I hope I see you on the other side.

It's the biggest satisfaction to know that Wix means wank in German!
"why not do it yourself" just adds to it.

Triggered

This makes getting any work done slightly more difficult. Maybe I should try dog debugging

No dog command.

The coding buddy thread, pet edition.

I often think in if statements ..

Friend just asked me to quickly type some stuff he quoted. Fair enough, I like helping out!

"you'll have to do it on windows though"

Ah that's alright haha.

*types in word for 15 minutes, one page done*

(note: genuine word and windows 10 without bloatware etc etc)

*presses ctrl+s*
*clicks save as*

*computer freezes*

😓😨

*waits anxiously*

*computer unfreezes*

*phew*

*presses save as again*

*BLUE SCREEN*

MOTHERFUCKING PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT. SOMEONE PLEASE DESTROY THIS FUCKING SNAKE LICKING, DOG EATING, COCK SUCKING OPERATING SYSTEM.

FUUUUUUUUUCK.

As a full time remote employee it gets lonely. Im getting ready to turn my home into a co-working space :

* Plenty of space with tables and couches

* Gigabit Internet backed by enterprise networking gear

* Lots of fresh ground coffee

* Local Kubernetes server !

* dog friendly chill space

* kid friendly play areas during the summer

* Mountain home with backyard hiking trails , wildlife lookout (wild deer live in my back yard), and fireplaces

What else would you want in your co-work space-at-my-place (TM)?

For the love of dog, if I select English on your online store, it doesnt mean I live in the UK, therefore show me prices in £ pounds, It just means I cannot speak German but I need to read English, but pay in € Euros!!! Can people please stop confusing Language with Location!!!!

I really love my job these cold, rainy autumn days with yellow trees, where I can work from home having a nice fire going in the fireplace and the dog sleeping on my feet :-)

GROW SOME FUCKING BALLS AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY YOU FUCKWIT!
I can't even count how many times I've heard people excuse themselves with sentences like:

"It's not my fault I only got a C, our teacher was shit"

"How can I finish this assignment when the teacher haven't learned me this?"

"I'll be late to work because my dick was stuck in the sink"

(This is a real one I've experienced myself. A teacher said this last week)
"I wasn't able to put up your material for your assignment before now because we're busy with exams" - The day before the assignment was due. Gj.

"He doesn't deserve to get fired, it's not his not at fault for being incompetent"

Then who the fuck is? The government? Your neighbor? My dog? A stray dog?

STFU! I'm so fucking tired of all these excuses! Grow some hair and take responsibility.
The only thing you achieve by not doing so is making everyone else drown in your disgusting vomit your constantly letting out of your mouth.

Somehow, the company I work for has decided it is ok for people to have their dogs in the office.
One of the dogs is such a sissy, cries and make stupid noises - I has been so for many many month.

Yesterday, when we had our asses full of stuff to do. The dog decided that it really have to take a dump inside the office and start barking (more like "veff").

So I turned around, to my other collegue and asked him really loud:

"Should groceries really do that?"

He is asian, he liked the joke. But the owner did not.

Why I like dogs so much 😉

So today I had a client come in and give me a free "broken" laptop that wouldnt turn on and was covered in grease and what appeared to be dog hair everywhere. So i go through my every day troubleshooting, found the problem and fixed it. Next i disassemble the entire laptop and just start air dusting and cleaning connections like crazy. Now I'm a proud owner of a really old school laptop that I can probably keep alive for another 10 years :) This will be a perfect machine to test arch linux on 😃

I love @Letmecode.
My favorite lines from him
"As useful as Anne Frank's drum kit"
"Between shooting heroine and selling his body for it"
"7 ways to suck your dog off without waking it up."
Gold! Elegance!

This is why my bro is my bro.

I'm in shit with money and rent, so my mate gave me £10 for food and offered me a desktop (I had to sell my laptop) so I can make a bit more money doing software development.

Humanity may be an overall pile of steaming dog cum, but there are some great people in the world

Today I gained thousand ++'s and got a dog... I left the dog home alone and
...

So the devDucks arrived today and the dog is more excited than I am. He's been staring at the box the whole time.

Trying to debug something ... someone is looking for attention

Long long ago...

In a country far far away...

I ordered a t-shirt from Ali Express.

It never arrived.

I demanded the refund and it was processed.

I forget about it.

Yesterday a courier arrived.

It is the t-shirt.

I open it out of excitement. Check the quality and tag.

Everything is made in China. EVERYTHING, INCLUDING YOU, ME, NEIGHBOUR'S DOG, YOUR GF'S LINGERIE, THIS EARTH AND UNIVERSE.

EVEN GOD HIMSELF WAS MADE THERE.

EXCEPT FOR THIS T-SHIRT.

THIS IS MADE IN BANGLADESH AND WAS SHIPPED TO ME FROM CHINA BY A CHINESE MERCHANT.

HAHAHAHA HILARIOUS.

Now I feel relieved...

Every job description out there:
" JUNIOR XY position.
Requirements: 50 years experience of Assembly, Java and Masonry, HTML, cloud based computing and artificial intelligence. Must be able to write algorithms like Hummingbird. Fluent in English, Mandarin and Latin. Must have five doctor and two Bachelor degrees. Experience in leading a Fortune 500 company benefitial.
Renumeration: 5 rice grains"

Even Rocky hates windows

Considering naming my dog Sudo because he never listen to my commands. -.-

EVERY FUCKING DAY ANOTHER RETARD ON MY DOORKNOB WHO HAS TO TELL ME ABOUT HIS GREAT IDEA.

I GIVE A SHIT ABOUT VOICE ENABLED MUSIC PLAYER APPS. SO THAT YOU CAN CHANGE SONGS WHILE TAKING A SHOWER

NO ONE WANTS A GPS TRACKER APP FOR THEIR FUCKING DOG AND HOW DO YOU EVEN REMOTLY THINK THAT YOUR FUCKING DOG HAS BUILD IN GPS ANYWAY

AND NO WE WILL NOT MAKE BILLIONS AND TAKE YOUR 10% SHARE UP YOUR ANUS. YOUR IDEA IS AS WORTHLESS AS YOUR EDUCATION WAS OBVIOUSLY.

Me : "Hey the proxies aren't working anymore"

Them : "The what ?"

Me : "The what-you-call 'webs references'"

Them : Ooooh right

Yeah let's just call a cat a dog

Here is the equivalent of every single mid sized "php" project listed on freelancer now:

I'd like a custom designed electric car.
Budget: $750.

And in 1999:

I need a literal pile of dog poop.
Budget: $10,000

Me: I'm gonna be productive today. Will complete this task in one hour!
*starts coding enthusiastically*
After two minutes...
*facebook*
*cat video*
Awwwww
*dog video*
Lol heheh!
*cute kittens n puppies*
Heh, silly cat
*more cats, dogs*
*accidentally notices the time*
Crap! 1.5 hours gone waste....

How people see me:

Father: computer nerd (he's a coder too)
Mother: website maker and computer nerd
Brother#1: some computer wizard
Brother#2: noob web coder (he codes as well, but systems programming) - thanks bro!
Colleagues: The ALIEN™
Girlfriend: 404 not found
Friends: The NERD™
Dog: some hooman spending lots of time behind those lighty rectangles

Fyi, I am passionate about computers in all domains and always helped debugging people

My solution to not being overwhelmed with futile demands? Talking to them in complicated words, so they will only ask questions about true problems and not garbage :D

As a programmer, I either feel like I’m a god and I’m superior to everyone in this company OR I am an idiot and everyone knows what they are doing except me.

Programming is an illusion. It’s just a “feeling”. Programming doesn’t exist.

I brought my pet dog to devrant

I'm a freelance iOS developer / UI designer and working on a pet related startup. I deal with lot of pets. My parents thinks that I'm full-time dog care taker.

Seniors: Welcome to the team. Feel free to ask anything if you need help. There is no such thing as stupid questions.

New Dev: Sure. Thanks.

*a few minutes later*

New Dev: How to comment a code?

Seniors: Google it....and please don't ask stupid questions.

Have you seen that movie Up? The one with the dog that's easily distracted? Yea I'm that dog.

I'll work for about 15-20 or until I fix something the way iike it, and then I end up getting distracted for another 5-10 minutes.

For 30+ years I thought I needed faster computers. Turns out what I needed was a dog.

PHP is shit - Change My Mind

Folks, introducing my first pet in devrant...
His name is Charlie.
Charlie, say hi to all dev ranters....

My current coworker weirds me out. At first he seemed as normal as a programmer is... But now it's becoming quite weird. He randomly starts waving at me until I respond (I sit across from him), and I can't use my phone around him because he will literally (I mean literally done this on multiple occasions) stretch around me to read my messages, even incredibly personal ones like when my dog died. It bothers me so much.

I'll just leave this here **Leaves quietly**

My dog is like internet explorer...
He never responds to my commands

These anti AI type news articles are ridiculous. We are decades away from anything like skynet. People have seen too much fiction. Everyone used to dream of flying cars, did that happen? No. Do not be fooled, machines can do clever things but they are no where near becoming sentient beings. You try and build something that has the same IQ of a dog and it will still require a shit ton of power and hardware. Plus as far as I'm aware dogs haven't taken over the planet with their level of intelligence.

At the end of the day machines need power to run and we control the source. If anything futuramas more realistic in how AI/robots will integrate with society than these shit piece newspapers.

My dog decided to use the laptop as a pillow! 😂🐶💻

A friend sent me this in the morning:

“By convention, type names such as String or Int (or Dog or Cat) start with a capital letter; variable names start with a small letter. Do not violate this convention. If you do, your code might still compile and run just fine, but I will personally send agents to your house to remove your kneecaps in the dead of night.”

Excerpt From: Matt Neuburg. “iOS 10 Programming Fundamentals with Swift.” iBooks.

I'm pissed off 😠!
Why you might ask, well....

So I woke up, went to my pc to see if destiny 2 had finished downloading!
1. My dog shit right next to my pc
2. Destiny 2 wasn't downloaded (after 13 hours)

I dont know if this has already been mentioned but I love how the tiny dog costs a little more ++ that all the others 😁

!Rant
Yassss 🙌🏼 I'm dying. Your dog 🐶😂🤣

"Get your devRant custom cartoon avatar on stickers! We can now print glossy sticky-back 1.75" (4.5cm) circles of your personalized avatar to place on your laptop, your refrigerator, your dog, wherever!"
@dfox genius

End of second week at a new job. Found what I thought was a bug and wanting to impress I fixed it. The dev reviewing my code had just started a week before me so he also had no idea what was going on. It went live Friday afternoon.

Come back Monday morning and turns out I completely broke everything and nobody could use the site all weekend. I thought I was done for sure. Was shitting myself all day waiting for the call.

TURNS OUT NOBODY EVEN NOTICED

Most rant summarize :-/

... I'm so done... Our dog died last night, in the arms of my father... And the worst is, my little brother has seen everything and even tried a CPR on him... It's destroying me. Why is life so cruel? R. I. P. Buddy, we'll miss you 😢

He's a bit bigger than a duck, but he does the job just as well.

Just got myself one of these! Hope it holds up to its predecessor's reputation.

Now only if I could find that annoying dog...

Noooooo

When your boss tells you "stop yawning!"

! Rant

I'm getting married on Friday.
I proposed half a year ago.

What have we done since the proposal?

- Adopted a Cnaani dog with a lot of issues and recovered her from most of them.
- went every Saturday to skydive for the whole day (almost finish the license!)
- moved apartment
- Plan and execute the wedding
- build wedding RSVP and teaser sites
- work full time as developers (me full-stack and she's an automation expert)
- go abroad twice
- I have work on a new startup with a friend (in version two right now)
- I hade my driver license classes
- went to salsa courses twice a week
- built our salsa wedding dance
- I studied Clojure, ruby on rails, Angular 2 and a little bit of React.
And more...

So why does it feel I haven't done enough?

!rant

Soon I'll get you, cute little dog. But it's still a long way writing stories of me screaming and complaining about everyone and everything.

Definitly !rant; btw long post ahead

Soooo not so long ago i joined this community by chance just cuz i installed some app randomly found on google store and what can i say. Best decision ever!

I can say i never met such an interesting and diverse communitiy ever and i kin of ground fond of it (i usually dont get too attached to peoples).

After a while i felt the urge to get myself involved into some disscusion at some random post and i did it. But it felt empty as my image was just a plain green bubble of anonymity. But yeh, i am cool with it, i will customize it after some ++es. No problem!

I got incremented for a while and i got to make a simple generic avatar. I felt again a urge, but this time to customize even more. Sadly, anything cool needs approval by the people. Soo i kind of let it go as i am not really the kind to find myself talking in other businesses and i moved over.

Until i saw it! Not the tiger, not the bird but the dog! Annnd i wanted it so i made a joke that i am a wizard with an invisible dog. What can go wrong, right? Well the thing is.. it did not go wrong, as expected, but it went great, kinda unexpected.

How? Well, some random stranger felt me and gave me a hunble chance to get closer to my dreamy real dog. And so it begin, my crusade to get that damn dog!

But what i have realised fast is .. this is not facebook! Nor Instagram! People doesnot upvote attention whoreing or such lowly acts, but they are actually prone to support people who just.. get involved.

And so i did. I got involved. I actually got involved in a community! For a awkwardly introvert person that's something, but maybe more than few of you people can relate to this.

And today i finally reached that goal! I have a real doggo! Well, real as in not invisible, not as in a great responsability, but now i have both. But this was not such a big deal. The big deal is that i found people whos interests are alike to mine and are prone to help, support and befriend others. I must say, thanks to all! Wonderful time, and while i am not here for a long time, i will surely be!

Cheers and dev on!

DevRant makes me really proud how well developers can act together as a group. Makes me think what we could accomplish if we would take all the world's developers and programmers to one place and make our own country. Our currency will be devCoin. World domination follows shortly afterwards

Im a dog

I think I just figured out the function the matrix used for my gf's dog.

Public Action GetOrder(string humantalk)
{
If (Order.parse(humantalk)
.VoiceLevel > Int.MaxValue)
{
while (true)
{
this.bark();
}
}

return dogsAction.Parse('eat hand');
}

I pat a gorgeous black dog.

This is the highlight of my day.

For the rest of it, tensorflow can go fuck itself in the dick.

That moment when you're finally getting your user registration and login system up and running!
As a web dev student I feel like I have accomplished something :)

may I introduce: our office companion for today

How my lecturer drilled JS syntax into us:

Write this:
var x = document.element;
x.value = 10;

Instead of this:
document.element.value = 10;

His reasoning:
"You make the cake in the kitchen, you don't put icing on it on your way to present the cake"

The old days ...

My boss codes shitty ugly fucking abominations.
These fucking piles of hacky crap are worth less than a penny puked out by a dog, eaten by another one and then shit out, grabbed by a vagrant, stuffed in his arse and then sold as raw metal by the cremation worker after the former's death.

Fuck this. I'm not gonna rewrite this. Fuck you.

Had my pure PHP web app rejected on a market platform because I didn't use a framework..
BITCH IT WORKS PERFECTLY WITHOUT A FUCKING FRAMEWORK, IF YOU WOULD HAVE TESTED IT YOU WOULD HAVE SEEN THAT!

A kid in our neighbourhood hit my dog a few months ago.

Today, he asked for some technical help.

I solved his problem.
Asked him to install Windows 9 and then come to me for further guidance since it was a pre-requisite for the software he needs.

It has been exactly 18 days since I have last seen him.

Stupid shit I do.

Send nice email to Patreon.com explaining I cancelled my pledges and asked them why they are still charging my card.

Cannot log into their ticketing system because user/pass doesnt work for their ticketing system. they prob should get that fixed.

Next month get charged again.

Send a cuss ridden email insulting there mother, sister, and dog and their engineers in most graphic way possible.

find out my wife used my card to link to her patreon account and it is her pledge 10 minutes after I send email and start a dispute with my bank.

Guess whoever reads my ticket will get a laugh or press charges :)

The best tester one could ever get.
His face says it all about my coding style.

>today, we - junior .Net programmers - have a teambuilding event
>after it we will go to the bar (with our boss)
>the bar is pet friendly
>I need to walk my dog
>he is young, probably west siberian laika mix plus a resque dog, therefore every evening I spend 3 hours working with him
>my boss implies I should not bring him to the pet friendly bar.
>my boss wants me to walk my dog only for an half an hour max and return to the bar without it.
>I guess I won't be even going to the bar, couse my dog is more important to me
>ffs

I had a girlfriend
She ransomware
Now I wannacry
Can i petya dog?

I'm the dog.

I'm beyond pissed as of now. hostgator, FUCK YOU.
YOUR GODDAMN PORTAL IS DOWN. PORTAL.HOSTGATOR.COM IS DOWN.
PLEASE HOSTGATOR, STOP BEING A BIGGER BITCH THAN MY LARGE FEMALE DOG.

end of rant, a hosting company should really be able to keep THEIR OWN FUCKING WEBSITE UP.

As a developer, I'm sometimes accused of pulling strings out my arse.
As a dog owner, I've literally just had to pull a string out of my dog's arse.

I really wish she'd stop eating fabric.

StackOverflow is ruthless! You only have to breathe and you'll get downvoted!

Started part time job at a company, had to log my time on timesheets. Said fuck this and now the whole company logs their hours on a custom web based time logging system which I built.

Marketing : Do you think we can implement this feature in a system?

Dev : Hmm....*checking specs*...This will...

Marketing : *interrupts* we have already signed a contract with a client.

Dev : ugh......

My father was very supportive. Every time I was studying he'd take the dog for a walk, do the dishes and whatnot so I could study quietly and uninterrupted.

The rest of my family was supportive as well but not on that level. They always told me how awesome it is and do what I love.

I'm currently taking another dive into haskell. I didn't know you needed a masters degree in theoretical something to print text on stdout.

Note to myself: make dog-emoji-based language huskyell

!rant
> Joins voice chat with friends
> They're talking about virtual data quantities.
> One of them mentions petabyte.
> Everybody except me proceeds by making jokes about how "petabyte" sounds like dog food and other miscellaneous things.

Having pets is a good way to prepare yourself for working in a brown-field environment.

When your cat or dog shits on the floor, you get the same feeling as when you need to dive into a legacy code base.

You know you can't just leave it there, and yet you still want to find anything else to do except for touch the pile of shit in the middle of the room.

Meanwhile you know your users are going to end up trampling over it and mashing it into your carpet.

Funny commit messages

// I dedicate all this code, all my work, to my wife, Darlene, who will
// have to support me and our three children and the dog once it gets
// released into the public.
//
// Dear maintainer:
//
// Once you are done trying to 'optimize' this routine,
// and have realized what a terrible mistake that was,
// please increment the following counter as a warning
// to the next guy:
//
// total_hours_wasted_here = 42
//

I hate people who dog on wsl

Windows subsystem Linux

I use it. It has been wonderful. No problems that Google couldn't fix. Always a patch or an update.

And I can use Windows just fine.

No dual boot needed, no bullshit wine needed, no having to do without Photoshop

There,.. I'm out of the closet

My uncle showed me how to use it ok mom and dad

I'm starting a wsl parade who's in

On way to work.

Almost stepped over a dead cat! 😷

I hate this fucking country.

*Walking past a stray dog staring at me atm*

Walking through car park, it's raining.

Down a slope to the next level.

Started to slide, this is bad... I'm not a dainty dancer I'm a 250lb meatbag.

Slid at least 9 feet, bailed to my knees and hands like a dog (cause it's down slope I couldn't not go to all 4s)

Knees and shins wet, glad there's no cameras... I'll just carry on like nothing happened.

Happy Christmas Eve, Everyone🎄
May you all be prepared for upcoming awkward family gathering. 🎅

My new coding buddy
(It's difficult to take a picture, he's hyperactive)

Manager: we need to design an admin system for a veterinary centre

Dev: ok, this is it, remember your training

namespace Vetcentre{
class Dog : Animal {

}
}

Me when looking at someone else's code.

(Sorry for bad fps, had to get it under 5mb)

People with "I am a senior, only I have to be right" mindset are really fustrating to work it.
It is not that hard to accept the truth. No one can be right all the time and no one gonna look down on you for that. You don't have to shove off-topic stuffs down the other people's throat when you realize you might be wrong.

How Real programmers code :

Pfff real programmers use a puppy and have it chase a frisbee where the frisbee hits a flower disrupting a bees honey sucking so it goes home to beat it's wife which again the wife bee gets pissed off and stings my dumb client who mashes some buttons on a keyboard by mistake whilst using my software which fucks up my program and I have to tell him that my program is fine and if he didn't try walking in the garden holding his laptop because of his poor WiFi connection then all of this wouldn't've happened.

The algo strikes yet again!
sudo cat dog.txt

Coworker bugs me by telling her dog stories, now I hate dogs.

!rant
I don't have a rubberduck so I'm using this origami dog that I made and glued it to my wall for "origami-dog-debugging"? I'm calling him Padfoot.

The best thing about perl is it doesn't care about errors and really tries to do what you ask, without throwing exceptions.
The worst? It does exactly what you ask, no matter how insane.
Typed $arri[ $0 ] instead of $arr[0] inside a function that detected what changes were needed in dns zones. $0 is script name and path, strings are converted to integers as needed and there's a little thing called vivification.
You see where this train wreck is going.
Also my dog died today.
Got to love Mondays :/

Last night I had a panic attack and woke up in cold sweats because in the dream I had I was constantly using the wrong variables in the wrong places...

After 2 years at the uni with 6 programming courses, I stopped studying and started working.

So I kinda left with some expectation or demand for some level of standard, not the highest, but at least not expecting diarrea dog shit level of quality.

On my first jobs, I was pretty shocked with their outdated technologies, terrible workflows, insanely unsafe setups and vomit inducing management. I thought "this isn't normal, this shouldn't be happening"

After being for a week on devrant, I now think the opposite is not normal.

Me: My dog bit me 8 times.

Dog: Stfu human, it was just one byte.

Today, I wrote a code to manipulate children.

Finally I got a dog 😄😄. Probably I will teach him some coding 😜.its 6:17 am..... I didn't woke up morning I just forgot to sleep 😪😶😑

I never ever give out my cell # to ppl at work. If they need to speak with me, I provide them my work # only.

Two weeks ago, went to a customer site. For ONE minute, I had an email on the screen that had my personal cell #.

Last Tuesday - out walking dog: call from customer to personal cell.

Last Thursday - getting ready for work, brushing teeth: call from customer to personal cell.

Last Friday - grabbing lunch: call from customer to personal cell.

Yesterday - in a meeting: call from customer to personal cell.

I'm gonna cry 😢

!(!(!(!rant)))

When you're using a sophisticated software and you've shown your work to your non-dev friends and they say "Wow! What APP did u use?"

Furk it! App sounds like a small icon on your mobile phone to take a selfie putting a dog filter to post for everyone to see! You call this tool just an "APP"? May Zeus forgive this blasphemy.

destroy(rant);

Is it me or does it seem that it's more Dev + Cat rather than Dev + Dog?

I was freaking out today when a program I have to demo in two days suddenly stopped working correctly. Turned out not that bad when I found my dog added some characters to the server address in the config file when I laid my computer on the bed last night.

No one tests in production like I do..
Just gave the wife a Brazilian wax for the first time.

I guess I could have tried on the dog first but ... No.

RANT!
AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

BLOODY FUCK TURD BORN FROM THE BACTERIA OF YOUR MOTHER'S POOP, BRAINLESS WHORE
. JUST ONE SECOND OF YOUR NON EXISTENCE WILL CHANGE THE WORLD FOR ME.

Well this is what I would say to my brain deficient friends who think I don't have a life and sit at the computer all day playing GAMES and that I should get away from my computer and learn to PLAY with them in real life

BITCHES DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND HOW IT IS TO WORK YOURSELF A LIVING, ALL THEY KNOW IS THROW MONEY AND GET THEIR DICKS SUCKED OFF. FUUUUUCCK!! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE GAMES PART. ALL THESE PUNY FUCKS CAN DO IS TO POST POUT FACES FILLED WITH DOG FAECES AND CRY ABOUT THEIR LOST LIKES.

Fucking hell my ISP gave me a router and a modem (was expecting a modem that is a router, like is at my parents house with the same ISP).

The router is absolute dog shit. My connection drops every 5 minutes or so, and sometimes every minute (give or take 10 seconds). And the signal struggles in my bedroom, even though the router is about 10 feet away from me.

What the fuck piece of garbage is this?

that moment when you were still new to git commands and just typed in random commands while thinking of a stupid dog meme saying I have no idea what im doing then accidentally pushing something in prod and had no idea what to do cause the lead dev was not around... aahhh those were the days

We founded a 3 man startup.
I am on holiday for two weeks and my mates paid 50k to someone so he programs a prototype app without any specifications. They told him about what the app should display without any mockups or images via Skype. Returned Monday, found out about it, and on the following Monday we will see the current status..
Oh boy, dog help me. I expect a clickdummy made with Adobesomething, and we paid 50k for that. Why didn't they wait for 2 weeks?!

People ranting about xcode, how about stop using Mac and apple products there all dog shit. Or just use another IDE or editor problem solved.

Learning to touch type: feel like a god when you get a password right first time

I got a project to "refactor" some shitty site. It was written in nativ php. The guy who wrote this is a moron.
The site is so unsecure that my dog could broke into it while barking at cats.

It's sooo unreadable and illogical.
Every time i look at the code i get sadder and sadder. And now i understand why so many people hate php..

**Jump in time**
After i planned the new logic. My boss told me i can't do any of this. Because they only need a new user lever..
Now i just stare at this pile of horse sh*t and rant about it.

I need bikeRant, so i can rant about bike lanes consisting of dog poop, broken glass and old grandma's

Teaching my dog Linux😍

Secretly installed Automate app on my friend's Android phone to mess with him. (For those who don't know, with Automate you can automate anything on an Android device).
Made a 'flow' that would read his incoming sms's, and send an email to me with his exact location if I sent him an SMS saying 'where are you?'.
Was funny to mess with him and tell him his exact location even though we were miles apart.
Cleared it up for him a while later but it made me feel like #hackerman

Fuck-a-doodle-do Fuck Fuck Fuck what a fucking dipshit. Scared the god damn shit out of me.

So I am deep in code, listening to my music pounding out some code and Drupal configurations and I feel a shadowy draft over my right side like someone is watching me.

I work with a guy that will not for the fucking life of me use Slack to send me a message when I have my headphones on or at all for that matter.

He gets up and walks to my cubicle and just stares with a goofy fucking grin on his face. You know the one. LIke a retarded fucking dog eating shit out of a wire brush. Yeah that's the grin. Silently derping with his fucking derp ass Derp McDerpington face waiting on you to turn around an notice him there instead of knocking on the cubicle wall or waving to get your attention.

The FUCK dude? CreepyPasta

But why?

awww shit dog, I got the job! Now they wanna know which OS I want installed on my company computer. Wondering if maybe I'm still secretly being interviewed....

Donkey dog = new Monkey();

Goal: Making this a valid logical statement.

So..me and my dev companion (a small rat terrier) were playing tug with a small rope today, and while playing, the little guy accidentally bit my face. Split both my lips badly and I was pouring blood. I've never seen such a sad dog in my life. He was upset that he hurt me. Ended up having to go to the hospital and got two stitches. Only thing is, the doctor was horrible. Shaking like a drug addict going through withdrawals. He numbed the complete wrong place, and so I could feel every movement of the needle. It was horrible. I get home and guess who's waiting at the door crying? Yep, my little dog. I lay down on the couch and the first thing he does is curl up next to me and fall asleep. Even though this experience sucked, I still love my little dev buddy.

I'd like to personally thank everyone who ++s my rants. Every time I get one I get so excited because it brings me one step closer to getting a floor doggo!

Note to self:
Fifty shades of gray is not about CSS or any other subject you care about. Delete mental association so as not to react like Pavlov's dog every time you hear/see title mentioned in mass media.

Squirrel!

Java is a lot like a 3 legged dog. You know it'll get where it's going eventually but it's kinda sad to watch.

I really need to kick Tim Cook in the ass.
“Everything Works”, yeah tell that to your dead dog.
Debugging watchos experience:
I need to uninstall main app for watch app to register changes in code.
Xcode crashes during debugging.
Cannot SET custom keys in Info.plist, in watch target, ohhhh goood, but thats where app configuration is set, how and why do you care about simple string keys!!! What now i need to send that configuration from main app??
Tim Cook just go die please, you have ruined apple.

Being 46 and finally having the chance to focus on software development after years of BA/PM roles, flogging the market trying to get a junior gig, then one day painting a shed with my 16 year old who I introduced to programming about 6 months ago and listen to him speak at length on protocol programming, finer variances between python and swift and his own development of a text based RPG system where he is creating randomized map generation, gear customization etc. only to realize as paint glides down my arm:

" I'M FREEKIN' OLD!!!!"

When did my brain stop absorbing like a sponge and behave more like a brick?

Pro of not using Git

* No git conflict

You asked for it--here it is.

It was a regular day in November--I was taking my dog out for a walk. We were walking past an elementary school when my dog started barking at a rock. I went to have a closer look at the rock when suddenly it vanished into thin air. "How strange" I quietly thought to myself, called out to my dog and carried on walking.

The next day at around the same time, at the very same place--next to the elementary school, my dog started barking at a log which lied in the exact same spot as the rock had occupied the day before. I did the same as I had done a day earlier--walked up to the log to check it out, but it vanished into thin air. We kept on walking.

The third day I decided we'd pick another route. This day, nothing interesting happened.

The fourth day went the same as the third.

The fifth day, went the same as the fourth.

On the sixth day, God was almost done with his works, for that reason we celebrated by going to the movies--me and my dog. To be fair, the only interesting thing that happened on that day was the movie, which was shit.

On the eight day when I got out of my bed I fell, broke my neck and died. And that's when I ate my code to make it shorter.

My worst legacy code experience was when I worked as a freelancer and got a tiny job to improve a VBA module in some Excel file for a very big company. So what's worse than VBA? Having to change parts of VBA code that was passed around to other freelancers before like the cheapest dockside whore. After meddling in there for about half an hour I felt like all those cheap ass punter, so I decided to write the whole thing from scratch. What a relief, after 3 hours I was very proud of the thing and it looked clean and well maintained again so I let it back on the streets. 😉
To the coder who comes after me: Please treat her (the code) nice or I will burry you alive in dog poop and burn the whole thing!

Cat say:maow
Dog: woof
Pig:oink

What the php elephant say????

These commercials for the Earnin app are cancer.

"I know you don't get paid until tomorrow why are you buying [stupid shit]?"
-- what kinda psycho knows when their friends get paid?

"I'm using the Earnin app to get paid today so I can buy my dog some food."
--If your budgeting skills are so shitty that you have to rely on an app to pay you before you check, then perhaps an animal is something you don't need to have with your current financial situation.

Like Jesus Christ the situations are all illogical and make 0 sense, yet they're fucking EVERYWHERE.

If only CLI options worked that way

Linux or Windows - still a problem for inexperienced computer users.
I was an IT professional for 35 years but haven't looked at a line of code for 10 years. And it certainly looks different today -
I have trouble using my smart Phone. I have always disliked the intimidation tehniques practised by Microsoft over the years. When
I was running OS2 in the 90's I couldn't get any software for it because MS had persuaded the developers not to release any OS2 versions until Chicago (AKA WIN95) was released. I was forced to use Windows for years until I finally decided to try Linux. Linux
is a great answer but unfortunately unless you are a current programmer there seems to be some situations that force you to maintain a version of Windows (setting up devices, Printers and developed software). Now that UEFI has been introduced as the standard in new PCs it is very difficult just to install and run Linux. So as WIN10 (the most invasive and slow running Windows to date) is the only "Valid" OS - MS is still dictating what we can and can't do. I decided to sell my new PC and pick up an old BIOS PC so that I could run linux and Win 7 to accomplish
my needs. How long can this go on? When will Linux be a "valid" Operating System. And when will a non-programmer be easily able to setup his hardware and find necessary software to run on Linux.

Traveled 3 hours away to go into the office for the first time in 2 years... just to get a call from the wife that the dog is sick and I need to come home...

FML

Why do people not fucking know how to use the god damn blind carbon copy in emails? It's there for a reason prick I don't want everyone and their dog to know my email address for no reason at all.

there is nothing more annoying than plugging the usb cable to the real android device for debugging, but if you move that cable 1mm the whole fucking connection breaks, the beep sounds of connected/disconnected phone rings, the fucking laptop explodes, phone explodes, dick explodes, the house gets on fire, my dog gets on fire, i run out of house while burning in flames alive and the whole house fuckin explodes like a nuclear bomb

Defend my Dutch Champion MBO title and maybe get a dog

A cannon was fired before it was even loaded.

#js

Arrrgggghhh!!
How the fuck do you stay focused on one task?!

Writing code, is like browsing YouTube for me. I begin by searching for a Hibernate tutorial, and end, 3 hours later watching a video of a cat chasing a dog up a water slide.

How do you stay focused on the task of writing the specific class, method, package you set out to achieve when you sat down for that session??

!rant (Silicon Valley)
What are your thoughts on seefoods pivot from hot dog to d*ck recognition?

Best:

Leaving my work in the soul crushing dog eat dog world of transportation and logistics for higher education software for colleges and universities .
I work at a college and I fucking love it and love my team.

Worst:

The soulc crushing dog eat dog world of transportation and logistics where I worked as a backend developer and lead mobile developer. Not only did it made me hate and despise native android development, but it also made me despise the human race as a whole. Watching a motherfucker letting go of employees that he knew personally (as in bbq with their families and shit) because my software automated a large portion of their work(it was meant to make it easier for them for that i was originally told) was absolute and total bullshit and i still carry that fucking remorse with me. After that I vowed never to do that sort of bullshit work again....sort off. No one gets fired at this institition for it. Logistics sucks big monkey dick and the people there are the absolute fucking worst. Every single motherfucker i met was a fucking shark, all of them and they would not think about fucking people over if it saved them some money.

Yeah, that even tops the military and that was fuuuull of fuck fuck games and other similar fuckery.

I think of git as if it was my dog. For added fun name your remote "slippers". Then you can exec "git fetch slippers"

I really need to vent this out. I don't know if the person I chatted last night is in some danger or not.

I recently got to know her and I had plans to collaborate on some projects with her.

She messaged me asking for a solution to a bug she faced and I was trying help her figure it out.

As I suggested a solution for her to try, she decided it was time for her to take her little dog to walk and told me she will check it right and let me know right after coming from walk.

It was already late in the night and I mentioned it to her. She responded like it was usual thing for her to go for dog walk at night but I'm kind of worried now since the city she lives in is infamously known as the rape capital.

She hasn't seen the last message I sent and there is no reason for her to keep me in the dark.

I had a hard time not being able to sleep because of my mind thinking of the worst case scenarios.

I don't know I'm just being too paranoid or if I should get someone to check on her.

I really hope she is back home and simply forgot to message me or something.

 If you throw a stone randomly in Bangalore(Silicon valley of India), chances are, it will hit a dog or a software engineer. While the dog may or may not have a strap (a.k.a. leash) around his neck, the software engineer will definitely have one.

So.... A story about a 10 month old puppy dying due to something pretty awful.

What is the advertisement? "Dentalife! Because your dog has one set of teeth for the whole of his ADULT life".

Pretty savage advertisement placement if you ask me. Wonder if the ad just used "dog" as a keyword

Analog mail still works!
Stickers finally arrived! Thanks @dfox and @trogus for this amazing community !

You think one day your dog could be a wireless adapter. Nowadays dog are getting microchips, as sick as it sounds I wonder if you can ad a wireless chip card on a dogs microchip.

One could easily deduce when we got a dog from my personal project's git history :/

Why I hate my job some days, the whole app crashes if you expand the details, then hit edit but is fine if you hit edit then expand the details. You gotta be kidding me.

My dog waits until I'm super focused and in the middle of something to let me know she has to pee.

Visual studio code, I do love you, but your bracket pair highlighting on html inside php files or html inside script tags (eg. Ng-template) is absolute dog shite and makes it impossible to use when you're refactoring markup written by somebody who's never heard of a coding standard or editorconfig.

I know it's probably not an easy thing to sort, some of your dev teams have posted some excellent insights into how it recognises syntax but literally every other editor out there has got this right.

Windows... Why is your auto time setting so dog shit!

Its always either an hour early or late except earlier today it was apparently December 9th at 6AM when it was 10AM on the 5th...

Like it even got the correct timezone yet still can't get a simple concept like time correct... Fucking hell...

(The time is one hour ahead in this image and this legit made me arrive to pick someone up an hour early)

You know that feeling when the junior programmers do their job quickly, properly, and elegantly just like how you would have done it? :)

Yeeeeah, me neither. What the fuck is this dog shit?? God dammit! Why we have 2MB of CSS?? Do you even you this jQuery plugin?? What do you mean frontend.php and frontend2.php?? Why is this block of code indented all the way to the right?? "Just 1 bug left" OH REAAAAALLLYYYYY?

When you are so tired and you wake up and your god is lying on your leg and you start thinking about him like a piece of code $('.leg').append(dog);

Searched for Pug stickers.

Didn't even know it was a dog.

New job wants me to send them a photo for the ice breaker email they're sending out about me joining...now to find a pic where I'm not making a dumb face or taking a selfie with a dog.

So it's required by law to chip and register your dog. I just got a puppy so I had to change the owner of the dog from the kennel to me. And the only thing I needed was my chipvalue and the registration number.

So all I have to do is scan the dog and try the registration numbers and then I can change the owner. Like wtf. And it does not even send a confirmation email. I checked by changing owner and email again.

My registration number is only in the 600K so other registered pets should be easy enough to bruteforce.

Or am I missing something?

Got a new guy sitting in the office. He is nice to talk to and easy to work with. But when he codes for himself behind his screen and something is not working he moans and bitches in a very whiney voice. That whiney tone is so insanly annoying. Sounds like a young dog is mistreated...

The coffee/food room on my floor is absurd.

On day, the Keurig machines, microwave oven and convection oven all disappeared. Turns out they were owned by some employees and when they moved to an other floor they took their stuff with them.

In the caffeine-deprived panic that ensued, a bunch of other employees pooled together some money and went across the street to purchase new applicances.

They now charge us 5¢ for each packet of sugar or milk/cream cup. And they announced it with a passive-aggressive poster with an angry dog on it.