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Me: I have been working for you for almost 12 years now, and I feel that my current pay is not comparable to the work I currently produce. Therefore, in order to secure my future as your employee, I must request an immediate raise in pay to a level that is acceptable.
Boss: I can't afford it. If you want more money, you need to bring in more clients, plain and simple.
Me: I'm serious. If I don't get a raise, I will qui---
Girlfriend: Babe, stop talking to yourself and come to bed...
Me: Okay... [looks in mirror] This isn't finished...12 -
She: Do dates make you nervous?
He: Oh yes, especially when the client and server are in different timezones and I need to calculate the difference and they are in different formats and I mean why can’t everyone just use ISO8601, right?
She: Okay never mind bye..........8 -
A programmer is walking along a beach and finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. “I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish, but only one wish.”
The programmer pulls out a map, points to it and says, “I’d want peace in the Middle East.”
The genie responds, “Gee, I don’t know. Those people have been fighting for millenia. I can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits.”
The programmer then says, “Well, I am a programmer, and my programs have lots of users. Please make all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes.”
At which point the genie responds, “Um, let me see that map again.”4 -
A programmer and a business analyst are sitting in the break room one day eating lunch when suddenly the microwave catches fire. Thinking quickly, the analyst leaps up, unplugs the microwave, grabs the trash can, fills it with water from sink, and dumps the water on the microwave to put out the flames.
A few weeks later the two are again having lunch in the break room when suddenly the coffee maker bursts into flames. The programmer leaps up, grabs the coffee maker, shoves it into the microwave oven, and then hands the trash can to the business analyst, thus re-using the solution developed for the previous project.4 -
A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist.
"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone."
The man below replies, "You must work in management."
"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?"*
"Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."10 -
Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Versace tie, gets out and asks the Shepherd:
Man: “If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?”
The shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies:
Shepherd: “Okay.”
The young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a NASA Webster, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on his high-tech mini-printer. He turns to the shepherd and says,
Man: “You have exactly 1,586 sheep here.”
The shepherd cheers,
Shepherd: “That’s correct, you can have your sheep.”
The young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his Porsche. The shepherd looks at him and asks,
Shepherd: “If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?”
The young man answers;
Man: “Yes, why not?”
Shepherd: "You are an IT consultant."
Man: “How did you know?”
Shepherd: “Very simple. First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, and third, you don’t understand anything about my business…Now can I have my DOG back?"3 -
Here's a funny joke
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says "okay but only if you tell me a meta joke". So the man says a man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says "okay but only if you tell me a meta joke". So the man says man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender gives him a beer. The bartender gives him a beer. The bartender gives him a beer.7 -
Ranted about this internship before but just remembered this.
1st internship.
The employees and the boss were having a joke/laugh. I found it funny as well so I laughed along
A little later the boss pulled me outside (as well as my internship guide person): why where you laughing along? You had nothing to do with that conversation. It was none of your fucking business. Stay out of other people's business, understood?
I was scared, shaking and trying to keep my tears in.
That was not the best internship.13 -
I was in the airport VIP lounge in route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.
Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."
"Yes?"
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?"
"Sure."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.
About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.
A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.
"Hi, Ray," he said.
I replied, "Get lost Gates, I'm in a meeting."9 -
This is not a joke. This is not something I wrote to be funny. This is not found randomly off the internet. This is a real part of the project I inherited: a function that not only is more cumbersome to use than the simple <Array>.contains that it wraps, but rather than returning the boolean result from the function, sends it through an if statement and returns hardcoded true and false values for... Good luck? I guess?
47 -
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show his work. Visibly upset, Satan cries and says, “I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.”
“Very well,” says God, “let us see if Jesus has fared any better.”
Jesus presses a key, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, “B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?”
God chuckles, “Everybody knows… Jesus saves.”4 -
Probably the intern who, while a decent and intelligent guy for the most part, thought it was increasingly hilarious to keep putting random cat GIFs somewhere in the product with each PR he made.
First time "ok, very funny, but you can't do that in production software, don't do it again."
The third time around the "joke" was wearing a little thin.
Eventually a script was written so that, every time he made a PR, he'd get "emailed" one of a few pre-defined messages from a random member of the team a few minutes later, telling him to remove it and stop pissing about...3 -
When a recruiter calls you about a .NET developer role and asks if you wear glasses because the client wants someone who can "see sharp". 😜5
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Coworker: According to science, people who work with math or computers are least likely to get divorced.
Me: Well that's because they're least likely to get married.
Coworker: ...In order to participate in the study you had to be married at least once
Me: It was a joke, man!
Coworker: Well it wasn't a funny one!
Me: ...it was to me...7 -
My friend asks me, and what did you get for christmas?
me: I've gotten SO MUCH FUCKING MONEY that I bought a second 3D Printer...
and you?
My Friend: 5 Bucks... I spent them immediatly! 3 Bucks for a chair and 2 for a Rope!
We were laughing our asses of 5 minutes strait...1 -
One of our dev teams has a tradition: after each post-sprint review one of the devs tells a wood joke. The lamer, the better.
So far the winner is:
Q: What did Batman say to Robin before Robin got in the car?
A: Robin, get in the car
It's so dumb it's actually somehow even funny :)31 -
*Goes hiking in the woods* *Finds Bigfoot asleep* *Slowly takes out phone* *Turns it on* *Checks DevRant for rates*5
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!rant
If you choose an answer to this question at random, what is the chance you will be correct?
A) 25%
B) 50%
C) 60%
D) 25%19 -
A group of programmers and marketers were traveling to a trade show on a train. Each of the marketers had bought a ticket, but the programmers had only bought one ticket for the lot of them.
One of the programmers was keeping a lookout, and when the conductor neared their car he called out "The conductor's coming!" and all of the programmers piled into the train's lavatory and closed the door. The conductor took the tickets of all of the marketers, and then knocked on the lavatory door and called "Ticket please." The programmers slid their ticket under the door, and the conductor took it and left.
The programmers were laughing at the marketers for the rest of the trip, and the marketers felt like idiots.
On the way back, the marketers decided they would use the same trick and only bought one ticket for them. But this time, the programmers didn't buy a single ticket! Again, one of the programmers kept a lookout for the conductor. When he called "Conductor coming!" all of the programmers piled into one lavatory, and all of the marketers shut themselves into another lavatory.
One programmer came back out of his lavatory, knocked on the other door, and said "Ticket please!" -
I need some advice: How could you stop laughing at a meeting? Help!
Yesterday, in a meeting with the development team, my boss accidentally wrote "Puto System" on the board (of course, I cannot post the real name of the project). For those who don't speak spanish, "Puto" means "asshole".
Oh, I laughed so fucking hard XD Well, we continued with the meeting, but I couldn't stop laughing, and then, I was going to ask a question about one of my tasks, and accidentally said "hard" instead of "boubt" (in spanish "dura" instead of "duda") and all of us laughed again.
At the time I'm writing this post I can't remember that without laughing, help! I need to get serious :'v13 -
Told by Gerald Weinberg in various incarnations:
A group of ten top software engineers is sent to a class for aspiring managers. The teacher walks in and asks this question:
"You work for a software company which develops avionics (software that controls the instruments of an airplane). One day you are taking a business trip. As you get on the plane you see a plaque that says this plane is using a beta of the software your team developed. Who would get off?"
Nine developers raised their hands. The teacher looked at the tenth and asked, "Why would you stay on?"
The tenth said, "if my team wrote the software, the plane would not get off the ground, much less crash." -
Recently in Computer Science Class...
The teacher said we should copy a text/ sentence to our clipboard. A student asked where the clipboard were and looked behind the keyboard. He isn't the smartest.
Thought that was funny.
5 -
Earlier this day i reached 1000++. Nice, isn't it?
Suddenly an idea comes to my mind.
Why not make a rant and thank everybody? And now comes the important part:
Why not make up a funny story telling how i met @dfox and welcomed @linuxxx and @alice on devRant?
Because somehow the story isn't funny at all because nobody got that it was a joke...
Went great...
People think i'm really old (19 btw.)
People think I know @dfox personally
@linuxxx can't even remember how I never welcomed him
So... sry... I guess? But thanks for the really nice comments!9 -
[ Meanwhile in python ] I thought it was just a joke , and now i take it seriously '😂😂😂!
(Old one)
2 -
Hope this is not a repost
A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another. A lady walking by notices him and says
"Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?!"
"That's OK" says the guy, puffing casually "I'm a computer programmer"
"So? What's that got to do with anything?"
"We don't care about warnings. We only care about errors."
😂😂😂😂😂4 -
What does a veteran Rust developer say when asked to program a daemon?
- My system development skills are a bit rusty but I will try.4 -
Four engineers and a broke down car
One day, mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down.
The mechanical engineer said, “I think a rod broke”.
The chemical engineer said, “The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's not getting enough gas”.
The electrical engineer said, “I think there was a spark and something's wrong with the electrical system”.
All three turned to the computer engineer and said, “What do you think?”
To which, the computer engineer replied, “I think we should all get out and then get back in”.3 -
Most of us might've seen our users doing it. Specifically, this happens if your are working on desktop product and users aren't much tech inclined.
2 -
(Joke || Rant)
This guy came with this joke.
Ok, funny.
Then months later you realise he pushed this tweaked prototype to master, and now this code is shipped in production and it actually prints some idiotic sentence about flat earth on console output.
Ok, idiot.
It's not my project, but sometimes I'm wondering what people have in their minds when using version control and ship crap...
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I just found out that my co-student was working for 3 days on editing id's to a excel sheet with 500000 rows because she didn't know that you could just drag the cells. She was really mad beacause i told her she needed to do that as a joke. Feels bad tho. Funny but bad ....1
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LMAO. Had a tough day and finally heading home with most likely the last bus for today.
But his comment made my day. 😆
// I genuinely found it so funny hence shared in joke 😬
4 -
I met a girl today with a padding bottom of 100℅. She was lit... Unlike my dev friend, his girl is a flat design.6
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This is from the 70s. It can easily be updated to the present day, but it has a certain charm just the way it is:
Three women sat discussing their husbands and their sex lives.
"My husband's a wrestler," said the first. "He's really strong and aggressive in bed."
"My husband's an artist," said the second. "He's really gentle and sensitive."
"My husband's an IBM salesman," said the third. "He sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how good it's going to be when I finally get it." -
I'm not sure if it's a software or ethical error that we are dealing here. Btw, this is a legit question on stack exchange network.
13 -
Being paid as a 'junior software developer' at the average salary for that with all these responsibilities
That's a funny joke
13 -
I just got ran off the road, in real life. My heart won't stop beating. Not a joke, or a funny story, I can't seem to relax.3
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Back then when I was working on a website logic, I didn't want to comment my code. Despite that, I wrote some things which were obvious and I thought it would be funny to explain obvious things in code. I made a joke out of commenting.
Recently I needed to use a part of the code for a different project and the comments were exceptionally helpful and I would be lost without it.
So, kids, comment your code!14 -
Friend1 (being lewd): I'll merge you in to my git repository
Me: When you try to merge but she has her special days of the month it's called a merge conflict
Friend2: It's not a merge without a little blood1 -
Random thought: directing stdout to /dev/null is the programming equivalent of screaming into the void.4
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How to slack during work like a pro? (if you are a unity developer)
1- make a full screen youtube player inside Unity.
2- fill most of the screen with panels (debug, file browser... etc)
3- watch a video about overwatch or something.
enjoy!!
4 -
How I see my code,
If(){else]:
Do -> this & that with them;
While (for)and >>;
//It takes me forever to figure our my own code
How I see someone else's code,
%fGu$@@)$'®}£jfksksj℅™™}£}∆¢b&jjwoajqh-2+=•{(=jajaJJwUUhh-jtffhk®{£{™>>¥,©®¢€££∆¶¶|×££{©]•{%$==¢++''). 92%+$+
//well I am not sure how in the world I manage to understand someone else's shit -
This one is for @Fast-Nop
Both a rant and a joke/meme.
Its also funny because its true. Couple of teams (team responsible for orders and team responsible for accounting) are in seclusion in a meeting room right now cleaning up the web team's screw up.
5 -
Me: Starting a new project.
My pending projects : New member is going to join our family very soon.1 -
Me chatting with a bandmate who is also a developer:
Me: do you have any experience in Db?
Him: Dropbox? Databases?
Me: Sorry enharmonic confusion. I meant C#
P.S. yes, sometimes I find my comments so funny that I make new joke posts about them.2 -
Nuclear controversy:
I like how devrant doesn't show the ranter's name in the feed, so that people can upvote in a more unbiased way, otherwise let's be honest girls will cause a rant points gender gap.
Every time I see a girl's profile badge, it has thousands of upvotes, I think some IT folks boot up a whole peep show in their head just out of seeing a female profile.
(don't take that seriously, it's just a funny thought, I don't think it's true, but it's worth the joke)5 -
Teehee exdee look at me I'm currently facing [insert typical quirk with language] I must be achieving zen in [insert language] ohemgee so frustrating rawr >.< xD I can make a heavy sigh and slap a sticker on my laptop with a funny teehee ell oh ell programmers only funny funny joke about <table> flipping EXxxxDEEEeeeeee!!1
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Girlfriend: I don't get why you love me...
Me: Maybe I should write a Setter method to make it clear.
She didn't understand that joke ._.3 -
"Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code is a violent psychopath who knows where you live", which as I end up maintaining my own code, happens to be true.
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"I hate this in javascript, because I never know what it is referring to."
Read this joke here some months ago. Today i learned why it's so funny -
Hey everyone!
Today I learned that true is not boolean and my functions typed for bool can actually return bool OR true!
3 -
Hey Lemonade is looking for 10x engineers! Please apply only if you write code that has at least 7 layers of abstraction. Thanks!
🤣
https://makers.lemonade.com/recipe/...8 -
X : What do you do?
Me : I am an embedded software developer
X: So you develop software?
Me: Yes, but my software works on BareMetal.
X: So you work in a metal workshop.
Me: -_-3 -
Was bored af with assignment at hand. So just went ahead and wrote a class to implement Eat. Sleep. Code. Repeat. XD
6 -
Note: this is a joke, it's not code related.
Someone goes to a restaurant, and he asks what they got, and the reply to him: "we have a crochet leg, a chopped liver and ligaments"
He says back: "don't tell me about your problems" XD6 -
So when I am pissed at everything in life, I take out my frustration at my laptop.
I give it to clone 2 400MBs repository.
I give it to load 2 400 MBs dataset to load and train a resNet and say "yeah Multiprocess bitch"1 -
"I represent the public opinion" and other funny jokes Axel Voss, tells while he gets money jammed insides his ass.
I hope I don't get a copy strike for using his joke.
But seriously, the numbers in the articles he tries to promote must be a the number of times he was dropped on the head as a child. On a daily basis I suppose -
My life is like...
When someone you hate says something funny and you try not to laugh. :P
Bruh, it hurts so deep5 -
PC Trivia-
1. What does a baby computer call his father?
Data
2. What do you call a computer superhero?
A Screen Saver
3. Why did the computer cross the road?
To get a byte to eat
4. Why did the computer get glasses?
To improve its websight
5. Why did the computer sneeze?
It had a virus
6. Where do computers go to dance?
The disk-o
7. Why did the computer squeak?
Because someone stepped on its mouse
8. What happened when the computer geeks met?
It was love at first site
9. What is an alien’s favorite place on a computer?
The space bar
10. What’s the best way to learn about computers?
Bit by bit
3 -
Anyone else finds it a funny as me that Snapchat (meh) got in more trouble for making a joke about it that Chris Brown got from punching a woman in the face multiple times?
What a time to be alive. -
I try to pay attention to my moods. So when I have strong feelings I will tell my wife about them. I was talking to her on the phone on the way home.
me: It is the horny time of the month.
her: Oh, okay, thanks.
me: Yeah, it comes and goes...
her: <sigh>
At this point I realized I had made a really dirty dad joke.
me: Oh, that was bad wasn't it?
her: Yeah, it was bad.
me: I have ascended to subconscious dad joke competence.
her: Okay, sure.
me: Was it funny?
her: No.
me: Really?
her: I just like to tell you I think it's not funny.
me: You are trolling me?
her: Yes.
me: Damn it! -
Today on my science test they asked, "There is an animal in a cage, how would you find out if it is a bird or a mammal?"
a. compare it to the characteristics of birds and mammals
b. see if it has a beak
c. look at it's droppings
d. open the cage and see if it flies out
Out of all the questions, d is the most reliable.6 -
when I try to… ah, I don't care. Make it up yourself. I don't have the mental capacity to make a funny joke here.
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ffs. i am this guy. grumpy mc moody.
i am aware that if one is an aspiring rising software rockstar there is a time they come across funny stuff for their first time. but seriously, rule 75. if you're considering posting a joke you read on a tshirt, fucking don't.
i *really* want to let people enjoy things. but finally this lack of consciousness spoiled my experience.
today i turned memes off. and with that yet another dopamin source died.
venting on a ranting platform. i don't care if you care, you don't anyway. -
How it hurts when @iamdevloper on Twitter constantly wants to make funny joke but no one laughs...3
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It has been one full week after switching to Linux and still I'm in 'right side cross, minimize' hangover.2
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*NSFW* Big up to all you developers that work from home... I hope you've managed to overcome *that* stage. https://youtu.be/KGg1567fzTY2
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:D
This one is funny for me because my current team lead and I have a really comical dynamic regarding reviews.
I can't say I've ever really had a bad experience but I brought up one stand up about how he had rejected my PR and that he was probably just going to reject the next one. So now it's this joke if I get a PR through in one review (which is usually).
One time he spiked a ping pong ball towards me in a match and I replied, "Hey whoa man, this isn't a code review calm down!". 😂 -
My co-working space was too loud, so I created an app to shush them automatically
(that's the name)
It actually worked :-)
1 -
Yesterday i went to see a therapist ( i am a javascript developer). The therapist asked me what the problem was and i said i had to learn a new tech stack every 3 months. He then told me he was a php developer .....
Therapy works guys! no cap
P.S- This joke is stolen from the oldest book possible ( yes! as old as php)2 -
Well gawrsh! Just look at all those "full-stack developers" out there without professional experience . . . ah-hyuck!
2 -
i really fucking hate books, books are so annoying. if you comment on this rant with "lol" or some shit, how is this funny? i have an extreme hatred for books and this is not a joke, i am anti-book.30
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Many decades ago, people thought about future by writing stories and making movies with flying cars and made up technology beyond belief but what we got today are food ordering apps and dating apps.
Well, its good those cars never came out, because I would rather order food at home and watch Netflix than fly around.1
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