Me: good day, how can I help you?
Client: *explains issue*
Me: alright, let's take a loo.... *AACHOOOO*
.
.
M: my apologies sir, that came out of nowhe... *ACHOOO*
M: do you have a second sir? My apologies!
C: sure man take your time 😁

*30 seconds later, nose seems to have calmed down*

M: back I am, apologies for the inconvenience!
C: no problem, it happens!
M: where was I?.... Right, I was going t...
*ACHOOOOOOOOOOO*
*ACHOOOOOOO*
AH... AH... AAAAH..... ACHOOOOO*
M: I'm very sorry, I'm going to put you through to a collegue!
*puts through to collegue*
*goes to bathroom*
.
.
*returns to desk*

*tringgggg*
Me: good afternoon sir, how may I hel... *A-MOTHERFUCKING-CHOOOOO* (thinking: oh for fucking fucks sake)
C: bless you!
M: thank you! Apologies, I seem to be having a snee.. *CHOOOOOOOO*
.
.
.
*sniffs a few times*
- zing attack.

*collegue yells at me to transfer my call*
*transfers call*

Me: thanks man, idk what's wrong with me hahah... *ACHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*

OH FUCKING HELL 😠

How did this date format ever get past code review.

So this happened around 3 years ago in college.

Some software was missing on a random PC in college, so the professor asked this girl, to copy it to that PC since its the only one the setup file.

The solutions are many here, but what this girl did made me and 2 others ragequit the room.

She right clicked copy, unplugged the mouse, plugged in the other PC and tried clicking paste.

I facepalmed so hard, I almost broke my nose that day.

Meeting with smooth suit guy:

"So, our company has pivoted"

I hate everything about this guy, not having slept well at all, I fucking snapped:

"Pivoted? Oh wow, what a wonderfully refined word to describe that your asinine business model smacked flat into the mud, that your obtuse bubble of vague ideas popped and your childish dreams of piles of undeserved gold got caught up by the hard reality that your product does not add any tangible value -- yet you tricked your sheepish retarded investors once again to fall for a new hype-filled pitch deck? Congratulations. At least you probably snort enough coke to keep believing in yourself..."

The guy nervously wiped his nose, stuttered, and walked off looking angry and a little confused.

So it turns out, my boss is apparently the major "sheepish retarded investor" in this company.

Today I got a mail from him. I expected fire and fury, nuclear ICBMs crashing into my desk.

"Thanks for your feedback, this is why I invite you to meetings. Could you take a look at their new pitch slides and preliminary API docs for me?"

“Yeah but you’re not a *real* developer”

Fuck. you.

I wrote 80% of this code base. I do 80% of the tickets/storyboard points. I do all of the QA. My nose is to the grindstone every fucking day honing this craft and sweating my balls off like a blacksmith staring into the red hot kiln while the sores of previous mistakes scream bloody murder from the unrelenting exposure to heat. I saw this amazing industry of opportunity, freedom and self examination and wanted in no matter what it took. I glued myself to every pithy resource I could possibly get my hands on and crawled through the muck and filth of it all until I could keep myself warm with the smallest spark of my own making. I stoked that spark until it became a fire and stoked that fire until I could set entire forests ablaze. I listened to the ungrateful people keeping warm by my combustion saying it “wasn’t hot enough” or “would have been a nicer colour if they did it” or “could have warmed up just fine jogging on the spot”. I made painstaking alterations to my ignition and watched my undeserving benefactors gradually be silenced and begin to sit quietly by the heat. I jumped into that inferno daily, was reduced to ash daily and emerged reborn daily. But you are right! I didn’t get scammed out of $40k+ studying technology in an archaic institution from instructors who don’t give a shit and answering “D all of the above” for 4+ years straight therefor my opinion doesn’t mean shit. Push your bullshit to prod and watch the server come burning out of the cloud as the apocalyptic swarm of angry tickets come flooding in why don’t you? Bet they didn’t teach you that in school. You’ve never poked around inside an open source codebase in your life. They are just a mystery boxes of magic that unless someone holds your hands with finely crafted instructions containing a 50/50 picture to word ratio you throw a hissy fit. Every problem that comes up instead of working to solve it you reflexively point to the first person in the room while thinking with your pea brain how you can possibly scapegoat them into taking the fall for whatever it is that’s come up today you couldn’t possibly understand.

Not a real developer?

Fuck. You.

*Posting screenshot about random stuff*
Typical comment: Why are you using light theme, oooh my eyes 😨

*Posting something related to Windows*
Typical comment: Why are you using Windows, use Linux like "pro", btw I am using Arch 🙄

*Posting something related to IDE*
Typical comments: use vim, why are you using that

*Posting something related to Java*
Typical comment: Java is slow ( 🤮 ), use Python it's cool.

*Posting something related to JavaScript*
Typical comment: js is cancer, get rid of it and use {some_other_language}

Just a normal day on devrant 🤷

(not mentioning of course non dev related sick comments)

to be continued

I don't usually post memes, but this one is just a little too on the nose.

Crap.. got myself into a fight with someone in a bar.

Hospitalized, turns out that my knee is bruised and my nose is broken. For some reason the knee hurts much more than the nose though.. very weird.

Just noticed that some fucker there stole my keychain USB stick too. Couldn't care less about the USB stick itself, got tons of those at home and hard drive storage even more so (10TB) but the data on it was invaluable. It held on a LUKS-encrypted partition, my GPG keys, revocation certificates, server backups and everything. My entire digital identity pretty much.

I'm afraid that the thief might try to crack it. On the flip side, if it's just a common Windows user, plugging it in will prompt him to format it.. hopefully he'll do that.

What do you think.. take a leap with fate and see how strong LUKS really is or revoke all my keys and assume my servers' filesystems to be in the hands of some random person that I don't know?

Seriously though.. stealing a fucking flash drive, of what size.. 32GB? What the fuck is wrong with people?

@dfox can we have markdown support, can we? pretty please :)

ReferenceError: variable "nose" is not defined. xD

What I did wrong during my home office cleaning session this morning:
- put soap on my mouse mat
- snapped my enter key
- vacuumed up my F8 key
- absent-mindedly cut my ethernet cable
- lost my zero key
- dropped my backup hard drive (data was recoverable, but I need a new drive)
- lost one of the nose pads on my glasses
- got a cocktail stick stuck in a USB port
- exploded my mouse by using the wrong type of battery

Things I did good:
- nothing

Story time! Promised this, so making good on the promise. Eh-hem.

Misunderstandings [A slice of life short play that actually happened]

Dramatis Personae (anonymized, bc of course):
Moi ........ me, myself and possibly some lint
Robert ..... co-architect
Daisy ...... line dev
Lisa ....... also line dev

Prologue: the beginninning
[A project is starting up, new devs are coming on, including the two individuals who drive this story.
Daisy, of Indian origin, an exceptional dev and lovely person. Mother, wife, very conservative by upbringing in her early 40s.
Lisa, also exceptional dev, lovely person. Mother, also wife, self-made immigrant with liberal views derived from personal pride and self-bootstrapping]

Enter the office, We introduce everyone, off to a nice start, everyone is happy and excited to be working on [large bank project].

Lisa and Daisy form a friendship of commonality, they have similar backgrounds by all appearances and similar concerns due to children the same age and shared employment. They seem to become fast friends and things proceed normally for some months. Smooth sailing, all is well.

The fuse is lit.

Scene: Lunchtime gossip
[Robert, middle 40s architect adjacent Moi, also architect, age is my own damn business [old, so very old].]
Robert: "So, it seems like Daisy and Lisa are getting along great."
Moi: *snerfs a little, almost chokes on enchilada* Yes, yes they are, It's nice to see...
Robert: *eyebrow, having learned to read my expressions* "Aaaaaaand..."
Moi: "I adore both of them, but they are primarily friends because they don't actually understand most of what the other says"
[Lisa has a thick Taiwanese accent, Daisy has a standard northern indian accent. Never the two shall meet]
Robert: "Are you sure, they seem to have a lot of conversations?"
Moi: "Positive, you weren't at lunch with the three of us. They're polar opposite in terms of values, it'll be fine so long as that never comes up"
Robert: "I'm not even digging into that"
Moi: *flan*

Sizzle.

Scene: This is bat country
[More months pass, everything is fine, project is humming along nicely, save a few blips of personality conflicts. Moi takes a vacation. A gas station, somewhere in the middle of Wyoming, a snowstorm, a sports car full of luggage]
*phone rings*
Moi: *looks down, sees it's Robert, eyebrow raises, answer* What's on fire?
Robert: "We had to let Lisa go"
Moi: "Ah, they finally understood each other."
Robert: "Yes..." *deep sigh*
[Fade to flashback]

Bang.

Scene: The office, Lisa's desk
[Daisy and Lisa are discussing non-descript conversation. Daisy broaches the subject of Lisa's past divorce and being a single mother]
Daisy: "It must have been hard, how did you manage?"
Lisa: "I had my daughter, she was my motivation. We made it here, I met my current partner"
Daisy: "That's good! It is so hard, coming to something new. I could never imagine leaving my husband."
Lisa: "He left us, we weren't important, I don't want to marry every again"
Daisy: "Surely you do though? Marriage is great for a woman, my parents found a great husband for me."
Lisa: "Haha, lucky you. Most indian marriage is like prostitution."
[At this moment, Daisy's demeanor takes a nose dive. Whatever was actually said, what she heard was, "Indian marriage is prostitution"]
Daisy: *tears begin pouring down her face, she flings herself back in her chair, head shaking violently she screams* "I AM AN HONORABLE WOMAN!"
[Daisy runs out of the room, straight to HR. Lisa sits there, stunned, not really understanding what just happened or the consequences]

Scene: Back in bat country
[Robert finishes the story, the emotions are a mixture of hilarity at the absurdity of the situation and frustration in the work void it has created]
Moi: "Satan, well. Fuck me. Fuck us. Fuck. Is Daisy alright, is she at least staying? We can't lose two devs at the same time."
Robert: "She got a few days off, she seems fine now, but she's... yeah, I never laughed so hard"
Moi: *double facepalm* "Yeah, the word choice was a bit outrageous. It's not like we didn't know it was coming. I'm going to get back on the road."
Robert: "Alright, enjoy yourself, I'll try and prevent any other forest fires."

Worst meeting... Way back in 2008 at my first web development job, our VP of sales kept referring to a client that was "jewing us down."

I'm far from Jewish, but I didn't like this guy whatsoever so I began breathing heavy and furling my eyebrows in the meeting.

He asked what was wrong, and without hesitation, my coworker next to me yelled at the VP and said, "you anti-semite piece of shit. Can't you see that Lee is Jewish? Wow. Way to go dipshit. Now he's going to sue the company and we'll all be out of a job!"

VP began profusely apologizing to me while I turned my nose up and refused to acknowledge his existence. Then we hear a click followed by a dial tone.

It was the actual customer. None of us realized that our other coworker had already dialed the conference line with our table speaker phone and had been quietly waiting to start the meeting while our theatrics played out for the entire room to hear.

Nose picking manager.
I mean this fucker picks his nose even when he’s talking face to face,
And am not talking about just cleaning it,am talking about putting the finger in all the way and probably trying to dial a number...

technically correct tho 😂

Conversations I've genuinely had at work:

Me: "Do you want some advice understanding that function?"
Dev: "Yeah, please!"
Me: "Get a plastic bag and some super glue..."

Dev: "I think I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel!"
Me: "It's just the train of mental bitchslaps coming in the other direction."
... Some time later
Dev:"You were right... "

Dev: "If the system is so unstable, how does it keep working?"
Me: "Do you see any goats in the office?"
Dev: "Uhm no... Why would there be goats?"
Me: "There aren't, now, we ran out."
Dev: "The hell are you talking about?"
Me: "We just sacrifice our own blood to Cthulhu these days, it's cleaner and we didn't have to pay to have all the goats blood and waste matter to be cleaned up. That and it was needlessly cruel to the poor goats and that is why there is no goats and despite conventional logic the app continues to work."

Dev: "So what language is the web app written in?"
Me: "You need to understand I inherited this project, I had nothing to do with it's spawning..."
Dev: "OK, that sounds ominous... How bad is it?"
Me: "Java..."
Dev: "..."

Dev: "So what's it like working on this project? What should I expect?"
Me: "You'll call your grandmother during your lunch break just to know there's a world beyond this project. You'll go home, nose bleeding and you are gonna sit in the shower and rock back and forth, holding yourself and feeling like you're suffering imposter syndrome. You'll question why you joined this team and it'll get inside your head til it's all you think about..."
Dev: "Damn man, why are you still on it?"
Me: "Stockholm syndrome, it's too late for me..."

PM: "You're such a dark person, we're not gonna find you hanging from the lights one day are we?"
Me: "Impossible, we use those industrial fluorescent strip lights, there's no cord to hang from."
PM: "That really wasn't the comforting answer I was looking for."

Head of department: "So I need to apologize, you were never meant to be left on your to manage the product on your own, it's something someone way more senior should have been doing and we reassigned him. It wasn't professional of us, it wasn't fair of us, we're sorry. Truth be told,we're impressed you've not gone mad."
Me: "I think I have. Wibble."

A card goes round work for a sick member of staff I've never met.
Me: "How would you describe her condition?"
Dev: "She said that she 'survived' the surgery."
Me: "Yeah, I'm not great at being appropriate but even I think writing 'glad to hear that you are not dead' in a get well soon card isn't the done thing."

I've put my nose down the books regarding cryptology quite alot lately, and at the end of the day, I really think that Bob and Alice should just meet and talk in person.

A guy breaks into your house and start slapping your face with a huge C programming book for 5 minutes until you bleed top quality code from your nose.

Well this is what I was going to comment to the "learn C in 5 minutes app" rant, but can't find it anymore.

Sometimes I scroll or tap something on my phone with my nose
(Usually when I somehow can't use any of my hands to do that or I'm just too lazy)

Is that weird? Am I the only one?

My new glasses are coming soon :)

Now I won't be as blind as a blindfolded grandmother inside a dark cave at night!

Everytime I code, my nose practically touches the screen, because even my mom's old glasses don't really help.

I can barley use Devrantron because of my blindness, but at least I can see well on mobile.

If you are wondering how my old ones broke, well, my little sister sat on them. That little demon, I love her, but she's pure evil.

Oh, and she did it on purpose btw. I asked her why and she said she wanted to know how it feels like to sit on glasses. She's not crazy, she's 6 years old lol.

This story starts over two years ago... I think I'm doomed to repeat myself till the end of time...

Feb 2014
[I'm thrust into the world of Microsoft Exchange and get to learn PowerShell]

Me: I've been looking at email growth and at this rate you're gonna run out of disk space by August 2014. You really must put in quotas and provide some form of single-instance archiving.
Management: When we upgrade to the next version we'll allocate more disk, just balance the databases so that they don't overload in the meantime.

[I write custom scripts to estimate mailbox size patterns and move mailboxes around to avoid uneven growth]

Nov 2014
Me: We really need to start migration to avoid storage issues. Will the new version have Quotas and have we sorted out our retention issues?
Management: We can't implement quotas, it's too political and the vendor we had is on the nose right now so we can't make a decision about archiving. You can start the migration now though, right?
Me: Of course.

May 2015
Me: At this rate, you're going to run out of space again by January 2016.
Management: That's alright, we should be on track to upgrade to the next version by November so that won't be an issue 'cos we'll just give it more disk then.

[As time passes, I improve the custom script I use to keep everything balanced]

Nov 2015
Me: We will run out of space around Christmas if nothing is done.
Management: How much space do you need?
Me: The question is not how much space... it's when do you want the existing storage to last?
Management: October 2016... we'll have the new build by July and start migration soon after.
Me: In that case, you need this many hundreds of TB
Storage: It's a stretch but yes, we can accommodate that.

[I don't trust their estimate so I tell them it will last till November with the added storage but it will actually last till February... I don't want to have this come up during Xmas again. Meanwhile my script is made even more self-sufficient and I'm proud of the balance I can achieve across databases.]

Oct 2016 (last week)
Me: I note there is no build and the migration is unlikely since it is already October. Please be advised that we will run out of space by February 2017.
Management: How much space do you need?
Me: Like last time, how long do you want it to last?
Management: We should have a build by July 2017... so, August 2017!
Me: OK, in that case we need hundreds more TB.
Storage: This is the last time. There's no more storage after August... you already take more than a PB.
Management: It's OK, the build will be here by July 2017 and we should have the political issues sorted.

Sigh... No doubt I'll be having this conversation again in July next year.

On the up-shot, I've decided to rewrite my script to make it even more efficient because I've learnt a lot since the script's inception over two years ago... it is soooo close to being fully automated and one of these days I will see the database growth graphs produce a single perfect line showing a balance in both size and growth. I live for that Nirvana.

Hello again, everyone. As Sunday comes to a close, and Monday is fast approaching, I'll share with you the likely cause of my death by stroke and/or heart attack:
MONDAY MORNING COFFEE OF HORROR
Disclaimer: Do NOT try this. I am a professional addict. I am not responsible for anything this brew from hell causes to you and/or those around you.
So, I wake up, feeling like I haven't slept for days, or just notice the fucking alarm clock shrieking because I pulled an all-nighter.
Step 1: Silence alarm clock via mild violence.
Step 2: Get the coffee machine to brew some filter coffee (espresso works too)
Step 3: Get milk and ice cubes from the fridge (both are needed, I don't care if you don't like milk, trust me)
Step 4: Get 2 spoonfuls (not tea spoon, and actually FULL spoonfuls) into the biggest glass you have
Step 5: Pour just a little of the warm filter coffee into the glass, just to get the instant coffee wet enough, and start mixing, until the result looks like the horror you unleashed in your toilet a few minutes ago (and will do so again in a few)
Step 6: Mix in 25-50 ml milk, just for the aesthetic change of colour of the devil-brew, and to add the necessary amount of lactic acid to react with the coffee to produce chemical X
Step 7: Add ice cubes to taste (if you are new to this, add a lot)
Step 8. Slowly add the filter coffee while mixing furiously, so that the light brown paste at the bottom get dissolved (it's harder than it sounds)
Now, take a deep breath. Before you is a disgusting brew undergoing a chemical reaction, and your moves need to be precise otherwise it will explode. Note that sugar or any other form of sweetener is FORBIDDEN, as it will block the reaction chain and the result won't be as potent.
Take a straw (a big one, not those needle-like ones that some cafeterias give to fool you into believing that the coffee is more than 150ml). Put it inside the mix, and check that the route to the bathroom is free of obstacles.
Now, clench your abs, close your nose if you are new to this, grab the straw and DRINK!
DRINK LIKE THERE IS NO TOMORROW!
THAT BROWN DEVIL'S BILE WILL HAVE YOUR INTESTINES SPASM AND DANCE THE MACARENA WHILE TWIRLING A HULA HOOP!
YOUR HEART WILL GO OVERDRIVE HARDER THAN YOUR PC'S CPU WHEN COMPILING ON ECLIPSE AND BROWSING WITH IE AT THE SAME TIME.
The combination of caffeine and lactic acid will bring out the perfectly disgusting combination of sour and bitter usually expected in rotting lemons. After you manage to chug it down (DON'T SPILL OR SPIT ANY!) you have 30 - 60 seconds max to run to the porcelain throne, where you will spend the next 30-60 minutes.
After that, nothing can stop you! You will fix bugs, write entire codebases from scratch, punch that annoying coworker, punch that boss! You will be a demigod among mortals for the next 6-8 hours!
Your recipes for Monday morning coffee?

spent 7-8 months looking for work (did a few freelance jobs in the mean time), spent what's worth of days on LinkedIn.. no reply at all, talked to recruiters got declined over the phone after 2-3 mins of call time..

Applied to a company branch in my home country nailed the 4+1(code challenge) interviews, will be leaving this Saturday morning (in 2days) now the bloody bastards start to reply and send offers for positions they have, when I clearly have to decline as I don't want to be left empty handed..

fuck you Sam, Jake and the other pricks that decided it is OK to reply after 3-4 months.. go fuck yourselves with a horse's dick you piece of crap.. After you're done, go shoot yourselves with the gun for ugly dumb animals!!! Hate you!

Kind regards, dev-nope!

It always feels like a bad idea when the customer suggests doing a deployment on Friday. 😧

I'm in a few women in tech groups. A woman, who is a highly experienced developer, shared that she had a conversation with her male friend, who is a startup founder. He said that his criteria for recruitment are high levels of math and physics since high school and early interest in programming (e.g. age of 10). She said his criteria made her sad and excluded.

A fellow woman developer commented that it's reasonable to feel sad when you learn your good friend is an idiot. I snorted some Monster out of my nose reading this and I'm still coughing and chuckling.

To be honest, the founder's requirements do sound super ridiculous, and I imagine his startup is made up of clones of the same guy type, wearing different shades of gray t shirts and sandals with socks.

Post from G+, this screen made me exhale more air from nose than usual :D

An idiot was running to get the train (underground) and almost slipped into the track.

Tried to hold me, smacked me in the face in the process. Still held him from falling in the track. Didn't even say thanks.

My nose is now bleeding like there's no end to it. There's a big cut right in the middle of the nose.

Not the Friday I was looking forward to :(

Most horrible part of my life:

Boss: Hey J make an android app where people can access my website.

J: Why not just use the browser on your phone?

Boss: Because I said so.

J: Ok, you want me to make an android app for your website whilst editing photos and videos for you? Can't you get someone else to do it?

Boss: Just get it done.

I hate the reason why I don't mind people thinking I'm in my late 20s.
See, I've known quite a few people who will happily work with me, only to find out I'm 20. After that, they'll turn their nose up at me, and not bother with my input.
Sure, it might not be an age thing, and instead is a "I'm working with a junior level person", but even so, if someone has valid points to make, you listen to them or you'll get screwed over.
I didn't get to where I am now by acting like an inexperienced graduate.

And that's another thing. I didn't go to Uni/College. I self taught myself everything I know. I'm glad that the culture for smaller businesses has moved on from "you must have a degree to even talk to us".

It still stands though. If people lose respect for someone who didn't take exactly the same path as them, then screw them. I'm not a violent guy, but you'll still end up with a black eye if you push your luck.

So I'm sick. But my inner coder tells me that I could atleast do some basic design for my project.

So I go to sit down at my home computer and immediately feel my nose literally start dripping of snot as soon as I lean in to sit. So lile any normal man i take a tissue, wipe and blow my nose and it's now time to login on the computer.

*Wrong password*

Oh, I've must been to quick

*Try again*
*Wrong password*

Wtf?!

*Slowly type my password in*
*Wrong password*

*Fuck it, show password*

A space is missing.
Alright I'll just add it in then.

*Tap spacebar*
*Nothing*
*Tap harder*
*Nothing*

So I rip out the space bar and find a two little drops of snot that must have juuuust fallen between the cracks.
I tried to wipe it away and put the space bar back, but it's dead. :(

All the cunts with their strong cologne mixed with cigarettes smell should have cut off their noses like Voldemort.

So happy, that someone wrote it, finally.. :D

So, boss asks for support on sunday, I say sure, no problem. I arrive, get to my station and suddenly my nose, eyes and throat become itchy. The goddamn building's been fumigated. Fucking assholes. I'm going back home dizzy and nauseous.

I think im sick. Not because my whole body hurts, my nose is running and i cant even move, but because i just had the idea that i should unit test my personal project.

The feeling, when you realize that devRant uses PHP as main language... priceless..

haters gonna hate :D

Thanks, @dfox

I absolutely fucking HATE having to sleep with either a full nose or a throat making odd noises everytime I breathe

There is NOTHING (including eating noises) that agitate me more than having to use my mouth for breathing because my nose is full. I'm already addicted to nose spray because I'm sick and I can't breathe at night, but FUCK waking up at 3 in the morning because I can't breathe properly or have too much snot up my canals.

FUCK IT

I can tolerate mouth breathing normally, just so I can control the amount of nose spray I take while I'm sick, but LEAVE ME A LONE AT NIGHT PLEASE

I NEED SLEEP OKAY

>:(

Customer complained that the site was not rendering as it's supposed to. After spending hours trying to fix the bug I saw that the customer had zoomed the browser which obviously broke the rendering.

Today during my Algorithms lab, the guy sitting to my left began digging his nose like he had buried treasure there. 🤢
Oh how I wanted to smash his face on his keyboard. 😭

1. Hit everything you do. You will learn more faster. Don't accept things at face value, care about why things work.

2. Study and experiment constantly. Be aware of your surroundings and what is going on. If you're not ready with a solution when a power vacuum appears, you will always be a grunt. Or worse, eventually a manager who everyone hates because you constantly tell the people who report to you how "back in your day," your code was amazing, there were no bugs and your shit doesn't stink.

3. Be honest with yourself: If you just want to keep your nose to the grindstone and make manager so you don't have to code anymore:

Quit. Stop now. Do not pass go, do not become a cancer on the industry.

Go get a job as a PM, you'll have a better career and you won't be the weak link holding everyone else back.

Tl;dr When the shit goes down, you better be ready.

Sooooo.. Aws's route53 and ELB outage nuked all our environments. 503 here, 503 there, 5xx everywhere.

Just sitting and picking nose for we've got nothing else to do now.. Who on the fucking earth thought it might be a great idea to centralize the whole fucking internet into 3 companies' hands!?!

How's your day?

Boss: please deleted These vServers since we dont need them anymore

Done.

Me: Starts working today. Got a Mail from my boss.
"Can we Talk about Server xyz123, there may be some important data on it"

Sometimes I wonder if they think that I Just sitting around with a finger in my nose and wait for days before I start doing stuff.

Just dont ask me to delete stuff if you are unsure.

Tried buying the .com version of my website that some punk in FL stole right from under my nose... Offered $3000 for it and now he's saying he wants 10k. Time to find a new domain and maybe business name 😭😭😭

Dude picking his brain over my coke. Yes I mean attempting to tickle his brain trough the nose hole.
A piece of nasal excrement landed in my coke and made it go fizz, that was how I noticed.

Oh for fucks sake on a horse raping twat of a week.

It’s like everything that could go wrong did go wrong, from people fucking up, to orders being fucked up in multiple systems to me wanting to break someone’s fucking nose for being a complete dumb fuck. Seriously how do people that do a job, day in and day out go completely fucking brain dead and fuck things up beyond fucking repair over hundreds of orders.

Sorry but FUCK this shit, it can wait till fucking Monday you cunt rash of a shit.

fuck you, man. eat a bag of dicks, a bag of shit and a shit load of dead animals.. you dumb fucking cunt ... go and die ... who the fuck modifies state of 3rd party object and think it is ok to do so.. the fucking prick deserves to get castrated with rusty, old school, gardening scissors...

through some mysterious, obfuscated, buried deep in the asshole code, the fucker decided to set a user-specific value in the default query params of guzzle so that every fucking object using it passes the fucking thing around like a cheap hooker at a dorm party... causing the API calls to misbehave because of the fucking thing.

you send the parameters you want to send but mister sucking-dick-up-the-ass-smarty-pants decided you don't want to do that and because of that I almost broke a core library a week before a fucking major feature release because half the functionality got broken automagically, worst thing is I have no fucking clue where the bloody thing gets inserted ...

I swear if you do that I will find you and I will get a rusty razor to cut your balls into paste and rectally infuse them untill your shit start to come out of every oriphise of your fucking empty head

i outed to my boss
During this moment, i had this in mind:
- we do not forget
- we do not forgive
- we are legions

result :
bloody nose for me
heart issues for him

score : 1-1

I am leaving ...

There are two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.

This is really the stuff I have to deal on daily basis.

TL;DR you suck, I suck and everybody sucks, deal with it....

------------------------------------

Let me let off some steam, since I've had enough of people hating on languages "just because"

Every language has it's drawbacks and quirks, BUT they have their strengths also. Saying "I hate {language}" is just you being and ignorant prick and probably your head is so far up your ass that you look like an ass hat. With that being said, every language is either good or bad depending on the developer writing in it. Let's give you an example:

If I ware to give you a brick and ask you to put a nail in a plank, can you do it? Yes, it will be easier if you do it with a hammer, but you have a brick, so hammer is out of the question. If you hit your thumb while doing it... well... sorry, but it is not the bricks fault - it is YOU!

JavaScript, yes it has a whole lot of problems, but it works, you can do a ton of stuff and does a good job at that, it is evolving through node and typescript (and others, just a personal pref), BUT if you used js when you ware debugging that jquery (1.0) plugin written in the free time of a 13 yo, who copy pasted a bunch from SO, well, it is not js' problem - deal with it. Same goes for PHP, i've been there where you had a single `index.php` with bazillion lines of code, did a bunch of eval and it was called MVC, but it also is evolving.. thing is all languages allow you to do some dumb stuff so YOU have to be responsible to not fuck it up (which you always DO btw, we all do). Difference is PHP/JS roll with it because the assumption is that you know what you are doing, which again - newsflash - you don't.

More or less I would blame that shit on businesses which decided to go with undergrads to save money instead of investing in their product, hell, I am in a major company that does not invest that doesn't care a whole lot about dev /tech stuff and now everybody's mother is an engineer - they care about money, because investors care about money (ROI) and because clean code does not pay the bills, but money does.

If we get all of the good practices and apply them to each language every one of them has it's place, that is why there is no "The Language", even if there was, we STILL ware going to fuck it up and probably it was going to be even worse than where we are now.

Study, improve, rinse and repeat... There are SENIORS and LEADS out there that are about 25-30 and have no fucking clue about the language, because they have stuck up their heads up the ass of frameworks and refuse to take a breath of clean air and consider something different than their dogmatic framework "way" of doing things.. That is the result you are seeing. Let me give you a fresh example to illustrate where I am at atm:

Le me works with ZendFramework 2.3-2.5 (why not, which is PHP5+ running on PHP7 [fancy, eh]), and little me writes a module for said project, and tries to contain it in its own space, i.e not touching anything outside of the folder of the module so it is SELF-CONTAINED (see, practices), during 2-3-4 iterations of code review, I've had to modify 4 different modules with `if (somthing === self::SOMETHING_TYPE)` as requested by my TL, which resulted in me not covering 3 use-cases after the changes and not adding a new event (the fw is event-driven, cuz.. reasons) so I have to use a bunch of ifs in the code, to check a config value and do shit. That is the way of I am asked to do things I hate what I've done and the fact that because of CR I have lost case-coverage, a week of work and the same TL will be on my ass on monday that things are now "perfect".

The biggest things is "we care about convention and code style"... right.... That is not because of the language, not because of me, not because of the framework - it is some dude's opinion that you hate, not the language.

New stuff are better, reinventing the wheel is also good, if it wasn't you would've had a few stone circular things on your car and things ware going to be like that - we need to try and try, that is the only way we actually learn shit.

Until things change in the trade, we will be on the same boat, complaining about the same shit over and over, you and me won't be alive probably but things will not change a bit.

We live in a place where state is considered good, god objects necessary (can you believe it, I've got kudos for using the term 'God Object'... yep, let that sink in). If you really hate something, please, oh god I beg you, show me how you will do it better and I will shake your hand and buy you a beer, but until then, please keep your ass-hurt fanboy opinion to your self, no one gives a shit about what you think, we will die and the world will not notice...

There's nothing like a newcomer to the office that's attempting to brown nose the director by saying we should redo the site design because it's too "80's"... I could of swore the Internet wasnt available to the public till 1991...

Well on my last full-time job, that ware using cookies for authentication (not something new, eh?). The thing is, you see, the cookies had the 'accountId' which if you change to another number, kaboom you're that account, oh but that was not all, there was an option to mark the account type in there 'accountType', which was kind of obvious in VLE (virtual learning environment), 'Teacher', 'Student', 'Manager' put what of those values and boom you are that role for the session

Thing was open of SQL injection from the login form, from said cookies and form every part you can pass input to it, when I raised the question to my TL he said 'no one is going to know about thatt, I don't see what is the problem', then escalated to higher management 'oh well speak to *tl_guy*'

Oh and bonus points for it being written in ASP CLASSIC in 2014+ (I was supposed to rewrite, but ended up patching ASP code and writing components in PHP)

In 2015-2016, in a private college, charging kind-of big money per year

Pick his nose and well
You know what happened next..

Hey! You said what another dev did, not mandatory dev related! Exploited the question

Thank you @dfox and @trogus for the awesome service you've built! And thank you for making my life less stressful! :)

My idiot boss keeps coming up to me and asks "How far along?" every hour. Shut the fuck up you asshole let me work for some time undisturbed before you poke you non technical nose and ask me that dumb question!!!

I just discovered the Python testing framework “nose”. The name makes me giggle for some reason.

* Sending "less" data
* Number of ads won't change

Intern at Microsoft: Should I rephrase the messages so that it becomes a little bit subtle?
CTO(or whoever the fuck is in charge of rolling out windows update): Let it be direct and on the nose. Fuck this shit.

(Edit): Always forget to attach the image.

Inspiration to code kicks in!

Kids asleep, everybody’s asleep, house is quiet. The kind of peace ive always wanted and wished! (Parents here will understand.)

Get to my laptop, opened up code editor, start fresh and clean! Created new file, about to type my first code and.........blood dripping from my nose. It doesn’t stop there, its like flowing for a while!

I noticed it keeps flowing while im projecting the inner excitement to code. When my mind drifted a bit, the nose bleeding stops. Wth? Its like my body is ejaculating when im excited to code, yeah.. it ls blood shot out of my nose, wtf!

...and i have to stop what im doing. Then the ideas just spoofly gone. Suddenly i dont know why im staring at an empty code editor.. (what was im about to code again?) i totally cant recall, it simply gone. Damn it. That could be a million dollar apps! Wish i can go back to an hour ago and record myself when i received that historic inspirational moment. 😔

First thing, I love my colleague. I know him for 15 years and I'm under 30. But I freaking hate when he picks his nose FOR ALL THE DAY LONG and uses shared mouses and keyboards, leaving them unable to use. I have to clean all that mess and no matter what we say he still do it. :(

Not exactly a co-worker, but one of the devs from the client's team spent a few months working in our office next to us. He would always take a nap at lunch time and snore loudly, and eat an apple afterwards and it seemed to be impossible for him to chew with his mouth closed.

Whenever he had a cold and his nose got blocked he would still force himself to breathe through his nose, so it sounded something like a mix of darth vader and someone drowning.

He also lacked any notion of personal space, and would always sneak behind us to ask questions and then put his laptop right on top of our keyboards or in front of our screens and start talking while we still had headphones on.

My roommate is a damn wannabe programmer: he keeps talking about how much he’s passionate into technology, buying hardware, spending hours into arranging his workstation to be as “cool looking” as possible, talking about future big projects, he even wants the fucking Java and Arduino logos embroidered in his backpack the only issues are that I’ve never seen him spending time in a project which going beyond literal hello world and if I offer him help to help and improve (I’m an employed programmer) he refuses because he’s tired/lacks time (but always make it for Netflix). I’d be still ok with that because I believe in living and letting live but now every time he starts to bore me with his lengthy stories about projects he’ll never do I imagine him with a big clown nose 🤡

my new companions 😋😋😋

No javascript frameworks were created during the writing of this rant. :)

Not as much of a rant as a share of my exasperation you might breathe a bit more heavily out your nose at.

My work has dealt out new laptops to devs. Such shiny, very wow. They're also famously easy to use.
.
.
.
My arse.
.
.
.
I got the laptop, transferred the necessary files and settings over, then got to work. Delivered ticket i, delivered ticket j, delivered the tests (tests first *cough*) then delivered Mr Bullet to Mr Foot.

Day 4 of using the temporary passwords support gave me I thought it was time to get with department policy and change my myriad passwords to a single one. Maybe it's not as secure but oh hell, would having a single sign-on have saved me from this.

I went for my new machine's password first because why not? It's the one I'll use the most, and I definitely won't forget it. I didn't. (I didn't.) I plopped in my memorable password, including special characters, caps, and numbers, again (carefully typed) in the second password field, then nearly confirmed. Curiosity, you bastard.

There's a key icon by the password field and I still had milk teeth left to chew any and all new features with.
Naturally I click on it. I'm greeted by a window showing me a password generating tool. So many features, options for choosing length, character types, and tons of others but thinking back on it, I only remember those two. I had a cheeky peek at the different passwords generated by it, including playing with the length slider. My curiosity sated, I closed that window and confirmed that my password was in.

You probably know where this is going. I say probably to give room for those of you like me who certifiably. did. not.

Time to test my new password.
*Smacks the power button to log off*
Time to put it in (ooer)
*Smacks in the password*
I N C O R R E C T L O G I N D E T A I L S.

Whoops, typo probably.
Do it again.
I N C O R R E C T L O G I N D E T A I L S.

No u.
Try again.
I N C O R R E C T L O G I N D E T A I L S.

Try my previous password.
Well, SUCCESS... but actually, no.

Tried the previous previous password.
T O O M A N Y A T T E M P T S

Ahh fuck, I can't believe I've done this, but going to support is for pussies. I'll put this by the rest of the fire, I can work on my old laptop.

Day starts getting late, gotta go swimming soonish. Should probably solve the problem. Cue a whole 40 minutes trying my 15 or so different passwords and their permutations because oh heck I hope it's one of them.
I talk to a colleague because by now the "days since last incident" counter has been reset.

"Hello there Ryan, would you kindly go on a voyage with me that I may retrace my steps and perhaps discover the source of this mystery?"

"A man chooses, a slave obeys. I choose... lmao ye sure m8, but I'm driving"

We went straight for the password generator, then the length slider, because who doesn't love sliding a slidey boi. Soon as we moved it my upside down frown turned back around. Down in the 'new password' and the 'confirm new password' IT WAS FUCKING AUTOCOMPLETING. The slidey boi was changing the number of asterisks in both bars as we moved it. Mystery solved, password generator arrested, shit's still fucked.

Bite the bullet, call support.
"Hi, I need my password resetting. I dun goofed"
*details tech support needs*
*It can be sorted but the tech is ages away*
Gotta be punctual for swimming, got two whole lengths to do and a sauna to sit in.
"I'm off soon, can it happen tomorrow?"
"Yeah no problem someone will be down in the morning."

Next day. Friday. 3 hours later, still no contact. Go to support room myself.
The guy really tries, goes through everything he can, gets informed that he needs a code from Derek. Where's Derek? Ah shet. He's on holiday.

There goes my weekend (looong weekend, bank holiday plus day flexi-time) where I could have shown off to my girlfriend the quality at which this laptop can play all our favourite animé, and probably get remind by her that my personal laptop has an i2350u with integrated graphics.

TODAY. (Part is unrelated, but still, ugh.)
Go to work. Ten minutes away realise I forgot my door pass.
Bollocks.
Go get a temporary pass (of shame).
Go to clock in. My fob was with my REAL pass.
What the wank.
Get to my desk, nobody notices my shame. I'm thirsty. I'll have the bottle from my drawer. But wait, what's this? No key that usually lives with my pass? Can't even unlock it?
No thanks.

Support might be able to cheer me up. Support is now for manly men too.
*Knock knock*
"Me again"
"Yeah give it here, I've got the code"
He fixes it, I reset my pass, sensibly change my other passwords.
Or I would, if the internet would work.

It connects, but no traffic? Ryan from earlier helps, we solve it after a while.

My passwords are now sorted, machine is okay, crisis resolved.

*THE END*

If you skipped the whole thing and were expecting a tl;dr, you just lost the game.

Otherwise, I absolve you of having lost the game.

Exactly at the char limit

Everyone come and brutally fuck and kill me for today I have sinned.

My SO asked me to buy a durian cake and I did. I am saving myself from taking a cab since the locations are a bit far off. So yeah 😥

I'm that guy on a public commute with a fuck load of smell package. 😭

I wish I can apologize to everyone on bus 😓

I used to work with a teacher in my last uni year.

The job consisted on doing a kinda-like management system for a business. It all began kinda "right", we agreed upon a price for 6 months of my work (a very lowball price, but it was just right because I was learning stuff that we were going to be using).

Fast-forward first six months, all I do is code frontend, mockup screens and whatsoever because this "business" hadn't give us proper requirements (Yeah, I told him to ask for them, but nothing came through).

So I was like well, I'll keep working in this project because I really want to finish it. Sidenote: I was doing all the "hard work", he didn't know how to code, and he calls himself a teacher... wtf).

Months go by, and a year goes round, in between these months, he spoke to me, that he wanted me that we kept working together, that we could renegotiate the payment (I asked him to give me my payment once the job was done). I agreed, but my uni residence period was coming along and I got an oportunity to go abroad to another country.

So there I was, in the need of money to buy my passport, plane tickets and other stuff, so I asked him for the payment.

Needs to be noted, that the last 6 months work was me doing tutorials on how to fucking use Linux, how to use PostgreSQL, how to fucking use CSS! He told me he would pay me extra for it.

The day came, and I received my payment... the exact amount we talked a year ago, I was like "Seriously dude?", but well, I needed the money and I didn't have time to argue, so we talked a little bit about me helping him and I told him "As long as I have time, I'll help, but remember that I'm going abroad to work for a small startup, so maybe I'll be up to my head with work" he agreed, we nod and then I left.

First week abroad came in and I was doing a shit-ton of stuff, then his first message comes around "Hey, I need more tutorials! ASAP! Before 6PM"

What.The.Fuck. I told you, son of a bitch, that I wouldn't be able to do them until weekend.. and it was monday!

So I ignored it, weeks went throught and my "angry mood" was fading away so I said to myself "Well, it's time to pick up that stuff again", I open Slack and I find a week old message with a document attached, it was a "letter", I just skimmed by it and read some keywords "deceptioned... failed me.."

Sure dude? Was I the failure? Becase, as far as I remember, you were the fucktard that didn't know how to fucking install a VM!

A week went by, and then randomly a friend of mine talks to me through Facebook:

E: Hey, how are you?
M: I'm fine, what's up?
E: What did you do to TEACHER?
M: Nothing, <explains all situation>
E: Well, It seems weird, that's why I wanted to talk with you, I believe in you, because I know you well, but TEACHER it's thrashing shit about you with all his students on all of his classes
M: Seriously?
E: Yeah, he's saying that you are a failure, irresponsible, that you scammed him

That moment, I for sure, lost all moral responsibility with him and thought to myself "He can go fuck himself with my master branch on his ass"

So when I got back to my country, I had to go around in school, avoiding him, not because I was ashamed nor anything by the way, just because I knew that If i ever had the disgrace to meet him face to face, my fists would be deep into his nose before he could say "Hey".

Moral of the story:
If you overheard that a teacher has a bad rep, not by one, nor two, but more than +100 people, maybe it's true.

Good thing my friends and others know me well and I didn't have repercutions on my social status, I'm just the guy that "fucked up TEACHER because I had the right and way to do it"

fun fact there are people developing new SaaS using ASP classic in 2015/2016...

browsed LinkedIn articles, saw one about "good qualities of WordPress Developer", first bullet point is "following coding best practices" is it just me or that is one of the main things wrong with WP

Ow surprise surprise, ofcourse i don’t get any kind of salary increase at this fucking shit company im working at. Because nobody see’s the work i actually do and everyone is just guessing im eating out of my nose all day.
Seriously, i had to work 1.5 jobs because a colleage left but there is no credit for anything i do here. Friday im going to contact recruiters. Fk this shit!

When I was in college OOP was emerging. A lot of the professors were against teaching it as the core. Some younger professors were adamant about it, and also Java fanatics. So after the bell rang, they'd sometimes teach people that wanted to learn it. I stayed after and the professor said that object oriented programming treated things like reality.

My first thought to this was hold up, modeling reality is hard and complicated, why would you want to add that to your programming that's utter madness.

Then he started with a ball example and how some balls in reality are blue, and they can have a bounce action we can express with a method.

My first thought was that this seems a very niche example. It has very little to do with any problems I have yet solved and I felt thinking about it this way would complicate my programs rather than make them simpler.

I looked around the at remnants of my classmates and saw several sitting forward, their eyes lit up and I felt like I was in a cult meeting where the head is trying to make everyone enamored of their personality. Except he wasn't selling himself, he was selling an idea.

I patiently waited it out, wanting there to be something of value in the after the bell lesson. Something I could use to better my own programming ability. It never came.

This same professor would tell us all to read and buy gang of four it would change our lives. It was an expensive hard cover book with a ribbon attached for a bookmark. It was made to look important. I didn't have much money in college but I gave it a shot I bought the book. I remember wrinkling my nose often, reading at it. Feeling like I was still being sold something. But where was the proof. It was all an argument from authority and I didn't think the argument was very good.

I left college thinking the whole thing was silly and would surely go away with time. And then it grew, and grew. It started to be impossible to avoid it. So I'd just use it when I had to and that became more and more often.

I began to doubt myself. Perhaps I was wrong, surely all these people using and loving this paradigm could not be wrong. I took on a 3 year project to dive deep into OOP later in my career. I was already intimately aware of OOP having to have done so much of it. But I caught up on all the latest ideas and practiced them for a the first year. I thought if OOP is so good I should be able to be more productive in years 2 and 3.

It was the most miserable I had ever been as a programmer. Everything took forever to do. There was boilerplate code everywhere. You didn't so much solve problems as stuff abstract ideas that had nothing to do with the problem everywhere and THEN code the actual part of the code that does a task. Even though I was working with an interpreted language they had added a need to compile, for dependency injection. What's next taking the benefit of dynamic typing and forcing typing into it? Oh I see they managed to do that too. At this point why not just use C or C++. It's going to do everything you wanted if you add compiling and typing and do it way faster at run time.

I talked to the client extensively about everything. We both agreed the project was untenable. We moved everything over another 3 years. His business is doing better than ever before now by several metrics. And I can be productive again. My self doubt was over. OOP is a complicated mess that drags down the software industry, little better than snake oil and full of empty promises. Unfortunately it is all some people know.

Now there is a functional movement, a data oriented movement, and things are looking a little brighter. However, no one seems to care for procedural. Functional and procedural are not that different. Functional just tries to put more constraints on the developer. Data oriented is also a lot more sensible, and again pretty close to procedural a lot of the time. It's just odd to me this need to separate from procedural at all. Procedural was very honest. If you're a bad programmer you make bad code. If you're a good programmer you make good code. It seems a lot of this was meant to enforce bad programmers to make good code. I'll tell you what I think though. I think that has never worked. It's just hidden it away in some abstraction and made identifying it harder. Much like the code methodologies themselves do to the code.

Now I'm left with a choice, keep my own business going to work on what I love, shift gears and do what I hate for more money, or pivot careers entirely. I decided after all this to go into data science because what you all are doing to the software industry sickens me. And that's my story. It's one that makes a lot of people defensive or even passive aggressive, to those people I say, try more things. At least then you can be less defensive about your opinion.

Big thanks to any dev who tries hard to deliver, also Merry Christmas peeps!

Opening the bag...

Stuck my nose in it. Deeeeeeep breath.

Better than sex.

Taking the scale, getting the right amount.

Feeding the grinder, thinking about whom to kill... Watching get them torn to pieces, shredded bit by bit.

Preheating the iron, getting the water up to temperature.

Filling up the espresso can, turning it on.

Boiling fresh espresso.

Nothing's sexier than the sound of the steam and the smell of fresh grinded and brewed espresso.

Good Sunday.

I think I might get close to a burnout. Last week was extremely stressful because of a deadline and I worked 45 hours in 4 days. Even in the evening my heart is pounding like a coke addict who had his last nose 1 hour ago.

What is your personal way of dealing with (work related) stress?
What activities help you best to cool down and relax?

I've not yet tried meditation but am trying to take some time to regularly do sport after the work, hopefully it helps.

I was talking to my non-tech gf about how a colleague of mine didn't understand priority queue and show led her an example, during explanation fucked up the example and duplicated priorities of 2 values but they came up in the unexpected order. She wanted to find the logic in it and blamed the computer for being dumb, but it has been ~45 minutes, she has Wikipedia about binary trees & linked list open as well as simple graphs visualising both + armed with pen and paper trying to understand how it all all works..

Achievement Earned?

P.S I am either creating a monstrosity (Frankenstein style) or recruiting a fresh mind to our ranks, either way I am proud af 😢😊😍

the happy moment when you get turned down by agencies over the phone, when they "don't think you are what they are looking for" although you have 4 years commercial experience and are 23 years old, by an agent that fancies the term API and WordPress... fml

Just had an interview, but since I am a smart ass I decide that half an hour notice before the interview is OK after working the whole day with queues, docker & php multithreading, so we start an interview over Skype and my persona was able to duck up how simple joins work as well as function which is supposed to return the sum of even numbers between 2 and provided argument... I was off by 2..

Lesson learned never get in an interview after a whole day of mindfuckery .. Never

I take the train well out side of rush hour when the trains are about half empty (though most seats taken). I have to come in because it's not like I can afford to have a workspace comparable to the cockpit of the millennium falcon both at home and at work.

I don't believe going into a panic about coronavirus but take obvious basic precautions to at least reduce the chance and slow the spread and that should do a good amount to reduce overloading the system. I kid you not, at this point medical facilities are considering buying diving equipment for enriched O2 supplies to keep up.

Today, as usual, some fucking piece of shit cunt twat psycho beggar that literally needs to be in an asylum with a massive fucking great gob of snot dangling out his nose is going up the entire train, every carriage, begging groping every hand rail along the way and potentially exposing several hundred people every hour.

I told this sorry sack of shit, surprisingly politely, that he'll end up rapidly spreading coronavirus if he keeps going all the way up and down the carriage like that. After he's fucking muttering on trying to make people feel bad about fucking ignoring him not being all caring and shit and then doesn't give a shit about giving everyone coronavirus after fucking waltzing down the entire fucking length of the train his pockets stuffed with coin. Then he threatens to assault me. I was fucking this > < far away from unleashing a life changing beat down and kicking his ass off the train with no pain or injury spared.

At the same time, that piece of scum waste of skin the mayor has apparently informed the public that you can't get coronavirus on the train or buses. How the fuck did he come to that conclusion? Is this really happening? How can something that clinically fucking thick as shit be our lord and master?

I fucking thought the great toilet paper rush was brain dead. Jesus fucking Christ and people voted for this fucking championship moron. Why don't they just all save themselves the fucking hassle and all march themselves off a fucking cliff?

These dumb shits without two neurons to rub together only need to put a dozen or so plain clothed police offices on the trains to catch these fuckers.

Why am I even fucking paying taxes? Where's it all fucking going? Another fucking lets give a billion quid to Fujitsu fucking failed IT project again I bet. Can't people bloody do anything these days? Does there have to be an app for fucking everything?

Someone should make a fucking facial recognition app so I can snap a shot of these fuckers and then if one of these fucking passes the phone camera anyone else with the app it'll set of there's a fucking imbecile in the vicinity alert.

These people need to be dragged out into the street, lined up against the wall and shot. No remorse. Toss them in a pit, cover it with dirt and be done with it. Why even bother with the execution? Throw them down the hole and fill it with dirt.

You don't have to go mental like it's the plague but people could at least show some fucking common sense, common decency and basic decorum. Even minimal measures, is that much to ask? Absolute scum of the Earth. How we even allow them to walk to Earth I do not fucking know.

I'll give you a few reasons to walk away from a dev's chair:

1. if you want your life to be simple and not challenging, if you just want to go with the flow - choose something else. Dev's life will definitely bring some challenges to your day (and sometimes night, and sometimes - your weekends). Especially if you feel you are a perfectionist, dev life could turn your life into a living hell if not handled with care.

2. If you like to see people smiling, if you love that feeling when you help someone and that someone has a better day thanks to you - choose something else. 1st line SD would probably do, but the further from technology you go - the more smiles (and human faces overall) you'll see.

3. If you prefer person-to-person interaction over to talking to machines - definitely don't be a dev. Go to management, administration or smth else, but development. >90% of the human interaction in this field is arguments and conflicts; ~8% are requests for assistance, and the remaining 2% are shared by saying "hi" to the office administrator and your (semi|)annual reviews with your manager. Not kidding.

4. If you have a personality where you find it difficult to stand your ground and not budge to the pressure/blame game/your managers asking you to stay in late. Like it or not, it happens quite often. Many devs have spoiled the management by budging to their requests/demands to stay for OT/unpaid OT to "fix the mess they have made". That's a blame game right there. And these people stay in and do what the slaves do - work for free because they are yelled at. And then management sees this technique work and (ab|)uses it on other devs. If you can say NO and stick to it, prolly wave with some printed paragraphs of labour law in front that manager's nose - it won't be a problem. But if your consciousness is too troubling - stay away from this field of engineering.

5. If you want to easily "disconnect" from work and go do something else - dev's career might be a problem. Yes, your computer might be shut down/hibernated/suspended after 5pm until 9m the next morning, but your brain will most likely keep trying to solve the problems you were facing. You'll prolly use your own computer to do some research, check some forums, docs, etc. - this is all your free time, this is all your family time donated to your manager (and to your personal knowledge base). Not to mention, all these things you learn will soon enough become obsolete, as new technologies will replace them. So if you'd like to easily "disconnect" after 5pm, doing that as a dev might be too challenging.

Why do people eat at their work desk? This fuckety fuck is putting her sticky spoon in her mouth with some pungent shit in it. And its fucking my nose up.

They also make their workplace dirty with bits all around. You have a cafeteria for fucks sake. Get your lazy ass up there and eat.

The feeling of the one error that you’ve been beating yourself over the head for...

And realize it was all your fault in the first place.

First and foremost introduce concepts like version control from the beginning. As for the rest, the motivated students will teach themselves the relevant things and the others will fail/drop out. That seems to take place now.

My biggest complaint with the education system is more general and not CS specific. Remove all of the gen ed requirements. REMOVE ALL THE GEN ED REQUIREMENTS. They don't make you "more well-rounded" they just set you back 2 extra years and throw you into twice as much debt as necessary. We spend 13 years learning the foundational things just to spend 2 years in college paying out the nose to go through it again.

Fix that and add a few relevant ideas into CS degrees and I think the education system is decent. There will always be bad teachers, but software developers need to be able to pick things up themselves so it's just preparation for when they get a job and have a useless senior dev to work for.

tl;dr
I am either the most responsible or the biggest idiot in the team

----------

TODAY.. oh boy.. fuck today. Like literally tuck this day and this shit. We ware doing releases for an integration we ware working on for ~1.5 months ... Aaand things went wrong - I guess we didn't make a sacrifice to the release gods - finally at around 8:30pm, being pretty much the last in the whole fucking office after a few last minute fixes I get my skinny ass on my way to grab a Corona and enjoy the public holiday tomorrow ...

Aaaaand I wish that was it, it turns out some things ware forgotten by.. well everyone aaaaand shit doesn't work (ofc ffs, why should it).. I see a slack notif and the feeling of dread gets me a couple of messages back I promise I'll be there in a couple of hours tops..and here I am ranting doing shit covering my desk with "food", hating my fucking self...

Me and the Head of Dev are literally the only ones working ATM...

Heres another Story of my nosebleeds... Its a death circle...
1. Micro Scratch opens in nose.
2. Nose starts to bleed...
4. I Start to swear and scream really
FUCKING LOUD BECAUSE THIS SHIT IS SO NOSERAPING ANNOYING!!
3. Eventually it stops
4. It starts to heal...
5. I get a little bigger...
6. THE CIRCLE CLOSES AND STARTS AGAIN! I HOPE SO MUCH THAT I STOP GAINING HEIGHT VERY FUCKING SOON BECAUSE I COULD MAKE VERY FUCKING MANY BLOOD DONATIONS WITH MY BLOOD! AND MY KEYBOARD...oh god...

#IamNotgayatallandpeoplehatedmyoldtagsothisismynewone

thank you @dfox! love the new avatar builder!

is it possible to link those avatars/expose an api to use on other sites?

you know what really grinds my gears.. when agencies/companies post "PHP developer" positions and require ajax, js, jquery, angular and WordPress templates... its a back-end language ffs

Nothing distracts me more than people eating in an otherwise quiet office. It makes me so livid that i usually leave the room for a coffee refill or bathroom break and hope they are done by the time I'm back.

I can code while holding a conversation, I barely even notice when people do phone calls or skype meetings next to me, but hearing people chew and breathe through their nose while smelling their lunch just annihilates me.

Inspiring moment: when the control system I wrote for a robot stopped the thing's EDF mere inches from my nose when the bot went out of control (for other reasons) during testing. Had it not stopped I would probably be without a nose, that EDF (Electric Ducted Fan) had fairly sharp blades. Very scary, but very thrilling too.

Each time my code affects something in the real world, it feels so damn awesome. Thankfully I've not come close to losing my nose (or other body parts) after that incident, but that incident inspired me to continue work on failure-proof control systems that enforce safety.

Hey guys, so i got my first job, but there's this stupid problem there that i am having...there's this guy who makes fun of everybody and there are other two guys who laugh at his every joke whenever he makes fun of someone. He made fun of me too a few times, fun of my age, fun of my nose, fun of certain things i said, and those other guys laugh , and this is really frustrating and annoying. I am thinking of quitting..but i am not sure...should i quit for such a small reason? I dont like such people...i dont know what to do...i dont wanna complain to the HR for such a small thing and create more drama...kindly tell me what to do...i really get sad when he indirectly mocks me because of my age. I am a bit old, 31...and the others are in their twenties...please help, thanks

Got a ****ing blocked nose. ****ing irritating. ****. Sick dev is a bad dev. Zero productivity. Tons of things to finish before Saturday. ****.

We rewrote the whole thing, except for iFraming some old pages in. We had to, the system was fucking awful and couldn't cope with any of the new mission critical requirements.

Client didn't understand the scope. Our project leader somehow snuck it in and we worked on it for months. We were sure we'd be kicked off the whole project... Somehow things didn't crash and burn. How it didn't blow up defies rational thought and the laws of physics. The new system worked, the client was happy, and boss made a lot of money.

Lead dev worked weekends for what feels like an eternity, it really was his baby and no one else on our company could have done it. It's where I finally learned how to do things the proper way; DDD, unit testing and TDD, architecture, building strong components in front-end, you name it. Before that I had a great nose for code smells and how not to do stuff, but now I got to see a proper system for the first time. It was glorious.

Then lead dev left and the system degraded quite a bit because new team didn't keep to the architectural patterns or general best practices. But we had a good run.

I made myself a pizza 8 hours ago, which was apparently ~250 cal. After finishing it, my nose started bleeding. Since then I'd lost 1.5dl of blood. I've effectively sent my dinner down the drain, and I couldn't even sleep all night.

The Tale of Mouse and Watch

Once upon a time, a mouse wanted to know what time it was. So it asked the first guy who came along, but it didn't understand Suaheli. Anyway, he just had mumbled, gotta kick the cat in its lazy ass.

So the mouse moved on and nearly got it when it met another mouse who bad been sewn to a dead elephant's ear exactly 27 years ago - but unfortunately, it had forgotten the time of day when that had happened.

The seeking mouse came up with the idea of doing something with the sun, but since it was only dumb mouse, it looked right into the sun and was blinded.

Now pretty desperate, it tumbled through the gutters that were full of trash. Accidentally, it fell over a dumped watch, and the mouse broke its nose.

The lesson: sometimes, even a blind mouse may find a broken watch!

A colleague currently has a cold and takes a deep, wet sniff every 10 seconds or so rather than just blowing his fucking nose - he even (politely) refused a tissue I offered him WTF?!

All concentration is lost when you're perpetually awaiting the next sniff.

So I've just finished a long day at work (warehouse) from 5.45 till 1.30, got home, had some herb tea, started dropping off, then my cunt of a mate sets a firecracker off IN MY TUPPERWARE, CRACKING THE BASTARD, THEN FUCKING THREATENS ME WHEN I TELL HIM TO SIT DOWN BEFORE I BREAK HIS NOSE. I don't know whether to just kill him or beat the shit out of him, but I'm sick of him doing shit like this when I finally manage to drop off to sleep (I don't sleep well).

FUCKING COCK SUCKING CUM STAIN.

I really want to try to beat the shit out of him but at the same time he's my best mate, what should I do, because I'm FUCKING SICK OF IT?!?

have been working on a small project in the last couple of months. a few client meetings we are discussing a timeline feature for orders and assignments. the calendars (yeah a few on one screen cuz ... yeah) the client keeps complaining that they should look differently and in the same time says "Design is not important *designer-guy-he-works-with* can change it once we are done"
me - :/

side note: the calendars are tightly coupled with the js code powering them, so yeah ... looking forward to it
..

Had to take the bus because train people are on a a strike, almost lost public transport card, almost lost usb cable, train decides to leave right in front of my nose, I arrive late in class, grub doesn't boot unless I plug in my external ssd, headache raging...

Luckily grub works again and I had a wonderful lunch with a capacio sandwhich 😋

So how was your monday? :)

I miss the simple times when you could have a runny nose and still go out for a run..or at least walk outside and nobody gave you a second look.. :(

tfw your nose blocks up and you realise how you just took breathing for granted this whole time

Meanwhile on PPH... Spot the difference

!dev

Man, fuck pollen

Tree pollen just exploded where I live. That means I'm gonna be miserable for the next few weeks. I'm talking runny nose, itchy eyes, head fog, the whole 9 yards.

Wish me luck and bring me antihistamines

Desk inventory(not counting computer hardware):

-Three interlocking polished high density particle board squares, cut by an industrial-grade 3d printer at the office of an architect friend. I use them as coasters.
-A roll of toilet paper, as I have a deviated septum and blow my nose so often that proper facial tissue would be wasteful.
-A landline phone, for work. I'm thinking about getting rid of it though, as I can do the majority of my work phone calls through Google Hangouts and our company's webrtc client, and because it costs me about $7 a month for the service, through ooma.

What's on your desk? No computer hardware, please. Also, please try to use your words, because it's a lot of fun to imagine the layout rather than see it.

ChaseBank is getting up my nose. Twice in four business days my account was flagged and I had to change my password for 'security' purposes. I spent the better part of 90 minutes in a futile attempt to find out why, when there's been no suspicious activity on my account, I'm being flagged. My father contacted a branch manager near him who told him to dial the priolrity customer service number and key in the letters (I shit you not) HO HO. I called the number. It's the same damn number I'd been calling. I called the branch. They told me I'd definitely receive a call back last Friday by 1800. No call. So, yesterday I called the manager of that branch, verified its location, told the manager he was supposed to call me by 1800 last Friday, and Chase Corporate would be in touch with him soon to explain that when you tell a customer you'll call them, you'll fucking call them.

Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it'd be a foot!

Started at a new company that uses Perforce as an scm. For those who don't know, it's a centralised, yet distributed scm with benefits of neither! It's also incredibly unintuitive.

What I don't get is that git is free and awesome, and we're apparently paying through the nose for something worse!

!dev

I have a cold and can't sleep because i can't breathe through my nose. I need sleep. Pls.

I wonder if there are more real developers or fake ones? Maybe even? Too many people stick their nose where they shouldn't be and create too many problems for people who actually work and do something.

Oh boi... that was a great and a shitty day.
Let us just see the positives tho.
A: Shopping in huge ass mall. (I hate Shopping, but not when it is about tech, cars, books, ahem playb... errrm just joking, food and Cinema I am all in.)
B: Visiting a place for animals living on the wild streets of Antalya. That place was right under the sun. It was not a building or anything like that. Near a well-known tower from the Osmanian Empire. There were a lot of kittens everywhere. The kittens were so cute. Omg. Most of them even had an own house. All of them colored in many different colors. Their houses have been donated by couples. Even the government helped the kittens by placing water refreshers with a roof above them. The man who is feeding them is someone who seemed to be like a poor man. He was very kind. I like him. We donated some money, but we could not do any more than that since we are not allowed to take them to Germany via air plane. Makes sense, right?
C: We made a boat trip. Oh boy... That was fucking awesome. I was allowed to get to the "nose" of the boat and chill there. I somehow found the confidence to take a group selfie with strangers LOL

I have a complex about my nose. I was about to bite the fucking bullet and do something about it. Literally just waiting for the procedure room to be ready, when I kept asking myself wtf I was doing. Then looked at my nose again and realized that it really wasn't that big a deal. Not when compared to dealing with internal bleeding and pain for weeks, plus a painful procedure.

Even after all these years, all these accomplishments, all this experience, I'm still a dumb fuck.

Now then, I'll go put some of the money I didn't waste to good use. Like videogames, hookers, and blow. Probably just the former.

Okay this is 3.30 AM . Just woke up from bad geeky dreams. My heart is pounding so fast that I could nose bleed and I can't sleep as I am remembering I had the same dream last night.

Dream was about : me being astronaut. Everything was usual. From rocket launch to be in space. Scary part was my ship in orbit of moon.

Seeing dead land from that height chocked me. Imagine you are looking out of the window and all you see a big grey land and pitch black in background. Realising there is no one out there was spooky.

The scary part was I launched some satellite but crash on surface. It was scary seeing something going smaller every time. Crashing on deserted land was one plus on adding fear.

Then my ship leave the orbit (from the reverse shock of that satellite dittachment ) and it flow away in the vastness of space......

Away from the moon and away from the earth in long loneliness.

I wish I could erase this from my memory but I am not gonna watch space exploration video anymore.

I got to say, landing on moon is one thing but being out there knowing one accident and you will be forever there. You need balls to be on such missions.

Well think it's time a go through an reassess myself a little bit...

Going to cut out premade iced coffee (As much as I do love my dare's) and just do homemade to save money and help with my acne...

Potentially start going for walks and do some minor working out if my back will allow it.

Pick up my violin and continue learning it...

And for the biggest hurdle.... I'm going to drop most of my current projects and take what's left, redesign from the ground up and just hammer them out with my nose to the ground and ass in the air...

Time for hell ( '-') ‾\

I really hate it when I work on a user story consisting only of a cryptic title: "Implement feature X".

Esp. when I missed planning during a holiday and can only wonder who in their right mind would have given it 3 points.

Why thank you.

Sometimes, just pulling the acceptance criteria out of somebody's nose takes days. It doesn't get better once I realize that not all external dependencies have been properly resolved. It's worse if there are other departments involved, as then you get into politics.

Me: "We are dependent on team X to deliver Y before we should have even planned this ticket. I'm amazed that our team was even able to estimate this ticket as I would have only raised a question mark during estimation meeting. We could have thrown dices during estimation as the number would have been as meaningful and I'd have more time to actually figure out what we should be doing."
Dev lead / PO: "I understand. But let's just do <crazy workaround that will be live until hell freezes over> temporarily."

It's borderline insane how much a chaotic work flow is branded as agile. Let's call it scrum but let's get rid of all the meaningful artefacts that make it scrum.

I need some ideas here.. What creative can be done if I have the markings of nose eyes mouth and jaw in a video dynamically.. Just like snapchat does( share all the ideas please, Platform used is not of concern)... See the image...
P. S.. This is my handsome friend here😛

Working with a group on a startup idea. We have weekly Google chat meetings with the full team and sometimes me and the other two founders have side calls. Our group is getting bigger so the weekly is getting longer so the 3 of us were talking about ways to make them more efficient. One was, background distractions like TV, random people talking in bg, kids...

So then yesterday the 3 of us went over a different topic and the guy who had brought up the distraction issue was in the bathroom shaving and trimming nose hairs the whole time. He kept asking questions about the agenda which we all had access to. I shouldn't even care much. I drink through the meetings anyways.

This happen last year during a one day workshop over zoom. We where around 16-18 strangers plus the tutor. We started with everyone introducing themselves (most showing their faces on camera), then it was just the tutor with his shared screen. Two hours in, one of the participants accidentally turned her camera on. I know it was accidental because I still cringe from what happened next: she started picking her nose. At this point, I have to clarify that I'm not familiar with zoom, because I'm on Microsoft teams almost exclusively thanks to my organization. While I looked frantically on how to DM this person (something along the lines of "hey, your cam is on :)" or whatever), I watched in horror as the second act of this play unfolded as she put her finger in her mouth and started to eat it. At this point I was actively dying from second hand embarrassment. Like girl, our orgs payed good money to be on this workshop, gave us a day off (so to speak) and know all I can focus on is you going gold hunting and bringing home some cured cave meat. My boss basically paid so I can get traumatized! And all this while being being in the comfort of my own home. Thanks, zoom! Anyway, she went in for seconds. That is when I died. I am dead at this point. My eyes glued to the screen. Ears ringing. Brain fried. It is done. Now, that the cringe has peaked, does it even matter If I figured out how to dm her? It is too late at this point. We all saw it. The tutor must have seen it. We all witnessed it. We are all witnesses, your honor. She has been witnessed! What else can I do at this point? Me, one bystander amongst bystanders. Idle and powerless.This is exactly how the holocaust started! At this point, I'm no better than your average Joe, who doesn't really like the new regime but doesn't fight it either. At this point, I ask myself what would Jesus do? Or Hollywood? What would happen in the movies in this situation? If I cant fight them, join them? Starting my cam, knuckles deep and double fisting my air holes to save what? It is done. Nothing left. She made her statement. She basically played us for fools. By god, what a freaking boss move that was! Like, can you imagine? Here we were, during the end of a world wide pandemic, bound to our homes, advised to regularly clean our hands, protected ourself and our loved ones and, yes, not eat buggers. And here comes miss fuck-it-all showing us degenerates how its done. You go girl! You showed us the light while we dwelled in darkness. You are our queen! Long may be her reign and just her punishments! I have seen true power and wept with the angles! I was born again. My mind at peace. I was Gandalf the Grey, now I am Gandalf the White. This is the day I will tell my children about. Songs have been written for less. I will never forget this!

Anyhow, I could go on, but that this is basically what happened over the span of a couple of moments in late 2022. I will never forget her. And now you won't either ❤️

I got a flu. My throat hurts my nose waters and im sneezing. And tomorrow they make me go to office to work 8h for $0/hour hopefully i pass on some covid to their whole office

The tale of mouse and clock

Once upon a time, there was a mouse that wanted to know what time it was. So it asked the first best man, but unfortunately, it didn't understand Suaheli. Anyway, the man just mumbled "gotta kick the cat in the ass".

So the mouse went on and nearly would have got it when another mouse came into play that had been sewed onto an elephant's ear for 27 years - but it had forgotten the exact time it had gotten sewed on.

So the searching mouse came up with doing something about the sun, but since it was just a dumb mouse, it looked into the sun and was blinded for a time.

Somewhat desperately, it staggered through the gutter where there was quite some garbage. Just by chance, it fell over a dumped wristwatch and broke its nose.

Moral of the story: even a blind mouse sometimes can find a broken clock.

them recruiters.. they keep grinding my gears to the maximum extent..

why do you message me that you have a position. to fill asking where we can have a chat and never reach back... you initiated the conversation in first place...

I replied within the hour, good god..

Yea... it's not at all obvious I have my nose buried in a book and constantly tapping at the keyboard to run tests for how I might work out this problem. Now is an excellent time to repeat my name over and over, since I've been trying to ignore it, until I look up at you, just so you can show me that hilarious giphy thingy you found.

!dev but if i have been catching covid it is because of these strangers hugging strangers and the group of regulars joining tables (not sql) and way too many masks on arms or below the nose. germans are yet dumber than i thought.

At this point there's a poo poking its nose out my butthole but only a few more minutes and I can finally see the output of this program, finish, go to the loo and then go home.

I took 9 days off. Two 3-days long-weekends included.

First long-weekend went in Holi celeberations.

Weekdays went in planning and executing trip to Vaishno Devi.

Second long-weekend went in resting because Vaishno Devi is a hiking pilgrimage of a total of 30+ kms and 650+ kms away from my house. Totally loved the trip, though. Always a pleasure.

After 9 days of leaves, I come back feeling somewhat mentally fresh and rested.

The very next day, I catch cold and fever. Whole body fucked up. Skull paining from sneezing and blowing nose too much. Body paining from weakness and little fever.

Now.. I don’t want to work at all. Even little work gives me stress. Even though I have time to complete it.

I mean 😪

What an unnecessary hell after 9 days of heaven.

So I got this thing about getting multiple units of things I like for some time. practical examples:

- Got a tattoo, then I got later 4 more(but I think getting more tattoos is pretty standard)
- got one pencil, then I bought 8 more and a can to store then
- Bought a mouse, then now I got 3. (all of them are microsoft it's one of the few things I like from MS)
- Got a laptop sleeve, I got 3 now
- Got a keychain for my car keys, now I have 6
- I got a piercing, then I got 10 more(eyebrows, ears, nose, tongue, mouth). But I removed most of them, a pain in the ass to clean all those jewels
... list goes on

I haven't been with a psychologist, but I'm guessing that could be some obsession/compulsion or I'm just pretty standard and this is kind of normal. Anyone can relate?

Winter has come
Aaaand my nose 👃 is stuck and eyes 👀 are full of tears..

docker y u no fucking start...

!Dev

So the winter break is over and im supposed to be in my uni but no! It is flu time!

Since a human is a machine, and we have certain tools to fix it when it misbehaves lets try to debug that problem! I will tell you a story how
it ended.

*4 days ago*

Both of my parents return from a trip, dad is horribly sick (windpipe infection) so i isolate myself in my room, put on a mask when i have to be near him and wash my hands 3 times i leave my room.

Nope that didnt fucking work, the next day i get flu symptoms(high temp, fatigue, musle and joint pain)
Nothing too bad i can live with it, so i took paracetamol and called it a day.
But im still pissed at my dad for being a fucking idiot and walking everywhere in the house coughing everywhere...

The next day (yesterday)
Took paracetamol again but this time i got a stuffed and runny nose... So i take nasal decongestants, and... they dont work at all...

Today
I wake up with stuffy and cloged nose again. Aparently those nasal drugs i have been taking only make your nose less runny by drying it up, making it 10000x more difficult to unclog your nose...
like wtf? So if you have a runny and stuffed nose you have to choose which one is better?! Nah i take nasal drugs again and clean my nose with saline water, so far so good!

Also paracetamol started working weaker and weaker... What the hell is wrong with me? Im trying to solve 1 problem and my body finds another one! Curing a human is like coding a app, it will go to shit sooner or later.

A bad dev habit I should unlearn?

How about being too stubborn to take an idea out back and put it out of it's misery. You know what I'm talking about. Got some elegant idea in your head, it looks so pretty and masterful. You begin to implement it but straight away, things start looking pretty fucking ugly. You persist though, and persist.

Sooner or later that pretty idea looks like Donald and Hillary decided to spawn a love child. You close your eyes and grit your teeth, unwilling to put the abomination out of it's misery.

You stop and finally open your eyes to look at what you've done. A hideous beast with Gary Johnson's nose, Bernie's voice. Donald's hair, and Hillary's lips stares back at you. Yeah. Now you've wasted hours upon hours and only have a mistake worse than the 2016 American Presidential Election to speak for it.

I feel like there should be a rule 34 for nodejs. If you can think of it, there is probably a nose module for it. Take for example PHP.js it's a thing...

When you're fucking pairing on my fucking desk you have to glue your fucking fingers to the fucking keyboard! Stop picking your nose and your ears you dirty bastaaaaaaaard

Question to all JS Frontend Devs: What light and performant library can you recommend me today?
I'm a C++ dev who is a bit anxious about performance, load times etc. and before I stuck my nose into vanilla js, maybe there is something better/faster. I'm a total frontend noob, e.g. I heard that html tables aren't a thing anymore and that I should use divs?
My task is quite simple, I want to give the users the ability to press some buttons and drag and drop stuff around instead of modifying the URL per hand :/
So if someone could point me in the right direction, that would be awesome!

Shit happens, eh?

I fucking hate Richard Hendricks. That long nose jack off is not qualified to lead a retarded child to the loo let alone heading a company!

Day 2 of my new job done. Still going over courses and doing jack shit. Today the hiring manager told me to play a game. I have to buy gifts to the girl thats in my office (lol what) and she also has to buy gifts to me in return (wtf and im still getting paid to do nothing), the company will pay for these gifts with a limited budget

Both of us had to fill out a form such as hobbies movies food drinks and if we believe in santa claus

Told this to my hot blonde gf that i have to buy gifts for another girl and she got so jealous. She literally asked me "but what do u need her for" lmao

As she should. Love seeing her jealous and mad -- but only because she disrespected me several times in the year 2023. several times caught her lying to me. Rude behavior from time to time. Always bitching and complaining with the most idiotic phrases and I'll quote "i hate how some kids younger than me are just born in a wealthy multi millionaire billionaire family and they're automatically rich and successful and dont have to do anything in life anymore while i have to struggle and work and never be successful like they are. Im so jealous of them" she keeps complaining about this majority of the time. I got really fucking annoyed. Shes stupid as fuck

And then compared to listening to that dumb shit, i met this girl, who works in the backend part, smart, beautiful, doesnt fucking bitch and complain about such obnoxious bullshit we cant control, works a 9-5 and gets her shit together. She even told me today "u dont have to buy me any of those gifts I'd be really grateful if you can just buy me some tissues for my nose cause i got a small flu haha" she even got the jokes! that was such a humble request.

Now compare that to the behavior of my spoiled blonde gf. Tf?

Im not even complaining by working a 9-5. Im actually very surprised. Everyone in the company is very nice to me and polite. Everyone is very friendly. Im getting paid even by not working shit, just sitting and watching courses to pass a devops cloud certification that the company will also pay for me

Whats going on

Had virus cause growth thing on my uvula. Dentist saw it got bigger. So we got another doctor to remove it. He suggested we just take the whole uvula out. He said, "You won't miss it." He had it done as well. They want to biopsy to make sure I don't have "the cancer". Not too worried. Been taking things to prevent that. Mostly good general health foods. Good vitamins and anti-oxidants.

So it took like a month to actually line up the time to do it. I was thinking this would take a while. It took somewhere between 5 and 10 minutes to burn it off. They used a cauterizer thing to cut it off. The whole time I couldn't breath out my nose because my mouth was wide open. I was breathing out seared flesh smoke during this time out of my mouth. Burnt me doesn't taste all that good.

I didn't gag nor puke. The doctor said he was good at dodging just in case. I have a feeling he would be fun to have drinks with.

So he said my uvula was large at the base. So it would take more than a week to heal. He gave me script for meds. I appreciate that because it kinda hurts. It feels like there is that large burn at the back of my throat. Because, there is a large burn at the back of my throat. I told them I came to the doctors office and lost weight. Got the nurse to snort.

I hope this turns out like getting my teeth pulled. Needed meds for right after and not again later. We shall see. It feels like a really bad sore throat. It kinda IS a really bad sore throat. Go figure.

My power supply project is almost completely done (it's in a working state but still needs some finishing touches) but I procrastinated with it for nearly 2 weeks. The reason being that the next step (making a side panel and soldering some 3600W AC lines to the ones inside of the unit) fucking sucks. I've done that soldering of 4 wires (3 inside lines, 1 coming in from the outside) before, and I honestly can't think of many things that I've cursed and sworn on as frantically as I did on this. This time of course being no different, plus some unstoppable coughing and stuffed nose, just because my body felt like acting up. Can't say that I had a good time.

But that's not really the point of this.. it's more about the procrastination part. It isn't really procrastination as in just being too lazy to get around doing something, is it? It's more like the reluctance to do something that you know is going to suck really bad. And even now I've only quarter-assed it (well probably half-assed, quarter-assed would've been the crocodile wires between the inner and outer AC lines.. just dangling on the floor, waiting for someone to step on.. beautifully dangerous, deadly almost.. just the way I like it :3)... Anyway, how do you get the "umpf" to do something that you really dislike and don't want to do, without waiting for 2 weeks to finally get around doing it?

Unit test is close enough.

The whole company (including the rest of the team) is an uproar because our biggest client is going live and I'm sitting eating out of my nose because I've done all my shit on time...

I've been wondering for a while about something...why do so many devs complain sooo much when they have to to stuff not related to their main area of expertise.
I like learning and trying everything if I have the opportunity...backend, fronted, database, dev-ops, crypto, networking, virtualization...I stuck my nose in everything...but I see a lot of people moaning and despairing when they are thrown out of their comfort zone.
Like why...it's interesting... it's not always sunshine and rainbows but knowing something new in IT is never gonna hurt you...who knows maybe someday it's gonna help you get out a tight spot or land that awesome job you wanted.
Ok I'm done 😁

fuck the overengineered bulshit that ZF2 is... fuck crappy mvc in web, fuck shitty design, tuck events, fuck 'security feature' that obfuscates the fucking redirect login/logout urls fuck not having your full link, but just the path everywhere, fuck whitelabeling, fuck somebody's sister, fuck me and fuck you....

Crazy: I had this issue with vc-state reporting 'edited on a visited file even after all changes made were pushed to the remote Git repository in a commit. Looking for answers in Emacs Stackexchange I find someone having the same issue --in a different context-- but with no replies, the question passed unanswered like six months... until now!. Took me one minute this time (I have been dragging this during two years or so) to find out we had vc-refresh-state which solves my issue and the issue of OP in Emacs Stackexchange.

It was a matter of hooking it with some Magit's hooks and you are ready to go!.

when did you follow PHP developers last used PHP without a framework or at least used PHP itself for the most part?

a foreach and if don't count .. obviously 😁

I've fucked up a really simple test. I didn't knew what to answer not even to the most stupid and simple questions in it. How can I run my own business, code my sites entirely, install, administrate and maintain every device and db we have or need, and yet can't be able to properly use cat?
I feel like a phony. Next thing I'm going to do (after cry and feel ashamed) is to stick my nose to the screens until I achieve the knowledge I miserably lack or until my eyeballs get dry.
I'd like to end with a 'see you later' but that's not guaranteed...

Oh you have plenty of excuses why I shouldn't have any reasons (which YOU call excuses) but don't see that yourself -- you fucking hypocrite!

There is NO EXCUSE for your bullshit lack of facing reality and setting unrealistic expectations that no one can possibly follow! Yet you continue to have an excuse for every legitimate reason (proven by facts by the way) that I have when everything doesn't turn out the way you expected.

Well GUESS WHAT motherfucker?? YEP, YOUR FUCKING EXPECTATIONS ARE THE PROBLEM not my actions. Just fucking grow up you piece of shit micromanager who has to have his nose in everyone's face all the time! Fuck that shit!

I’m currently working 2 jobs with over 60 hour work weeks in addition to my own SaaS company.

One job is full-time 40 hours, where I am a mid level developer and I just do the waterfall of tickets that is assigned to me. This place is unorganized and has almost no communication within the team.

The second job I am the Senior Dev and project lead. It’s a contract position that I put 20+ hours in on the evenings and weekends. Agile methodology, with a modern tech stack and I promote excellent communication as well as documenting everything.

I’m in a unique position because I’m able to see these differences and compare them side by side. My full-time job doesn’t really know about the second job. I get my work done, and that’s all that matters. This place is a mess. The project lead (CTO) is a helicopter boss that sticks his nose up at any type of formal documentation and practices. No tests are written.. no SIPs or deployment docs.. no stand ups or anything. I must also mention this team has 5 developers and a QA.. my team is only 2 developers and a QA. We get through tickets much faster.. it helps when I go over every single ticket that is created and add requirements and images..

I guess my point is... I’m about to be a full-time contractor because I can’t take this unprofessionalism anymore.

Just because these formalities technical take longer. It does decrease actual time spent developing a project. Spending a couple of hours on tests and requirements can save you days of back and forth in the future. Not to mention... document.. everything.

the feeling when you pick up your AOP library that you've last updated on 10/Oct/2016, has single commit "Initial commit (MVP)", absolutely no docs and you touch a couple of places for 10-15 minutes and boom you get everything working ...

Thanks former self, thank you for actually being more or less logical, thinking and did coding like a boss..

Here we go another with another pet to get refactored and revived

that moment when your internal repos are managed in composer and you have the `require` block set, but some fuckwit decided not to define their git remotes in the repositories, because 'thry are used only in applications where all required components are set'... Fuck your fucking fuck of a brain you fuck turd...

first time building mobile apps, NativeScript + Angular2 haven't felt so much mixed emotions in a while

I can't name just the one annoying coworker, because I've never had this one person I really, really couldn't stand being around. But there are plenty of coworkers that have crossed my path over the years with features that have slowly driven me towards madness.

Like the team leader with psychopathic traits and a brown nose stomping downwards and pleasing upwards.

Like the one fellow who set variable values multiple times to really, really be certain it was set.

Like the girl who sat next to me every now and then, and always started humming and singing only when she sat next to me. Always just loud enough for me to hear.

The dickhead coworkers that has been bullying me, excluding me, neglecting me over the years.

The managers who apparently never learned managing nor people skills.

Every jackass that thought it was a good idea to come stand next to me so they could have a nice conversation on the phone without being disturbed. Well, you disturbed me!

The manager who was whistling and singing so loud from his office that I had to get a Bose QuietComfort headset to get him out of my head.

Every fucking one contributing to the dinosaurism haunting the office.

Just saw the PM picking his nose!! 😝😂

Haven’t been active on devRant in a few months, spread across different platforms and university work. Just finished a class working on a portfolio piece and that took a lot out of me combined with several life events in consecutive weeks. Just doing the bare minimum homework and had my nose stuck in video games the past couple weeks since finishing that portfolio class. Feeling a lot better going into this new week though and ready to get back to working on another portfolio piece while learning some advanced NodeJS and MVC architecture.

updated docker for windows a few days back.. I have to reinstall on every reboot in order for it to work...

its either Hyper V being a dick or the docker guys screwed something with the update... fml

[brag] Started working on implementation of REST service using Zend Expressive. got in to HATEOAS/Richardson maturity level and HAL + `application/vnd.error`..

nailed them in a day.. feel like a boss

Stop with the bloody reposts, ffs....

heading back to work after a month of absence (10 days sick leave, holidays and paid leave) wish me luck and grant me strength not to kill someone or myself, fellow ranters

stop including your vendors and build artifacts in git!!!!

I am looking at you JS guys...

is there a public chatroom for devRant?

yet again housemates want me to fix their laptop..

When your redirect url passed as get parameter to 'secure' the login you pass bade64 envoded string with path, length and (salted) md5 hash ....

why God why you secure a redirect you do 302 to on success

!rant

The awesome feeling, when you finally tag your open source project with `1.0.0`, priceless ...

Dear uni

Stop trying to fucking nose into my life and find out what I'm doing with it at this moment.

Thank you.

Regards
ilivemyownlifenoneofyourbusiness

If you're one of us terminated / unable to find a job / massive paycut due to "market conditions" -
Make sure you remember.
Remember and make them pay.
Through the nose.
Next year (I hope..).

My nose you shouldn’t see
it behaves like protocol UDP
But with my faculties I should be considered a hero
my mind feels like I just divided by zero
I feel like a Java applicated newly created
with the garbage collector just activated
But I try to keep everything on the positive side
same as the COVID test I just tried…

Taht moment when you finally have time for that github project, when you done all your changes requested, and you're proud that your local tests are all green... you commit into that project, you push it real hard , long and passionately deep...

and then i apparently hit travis in the nose... Cause he keeps running for -

Once the initial pain is gone, once the blood has dried from under your nose, once blindness sets in.. that is when you truly see the transcendant quality that is ChatFuel.

Exercise feels like a must do, given that my job is sitting for hours on end, slamming my face on the keyboard.

Been working out 5 days a week, just a bit. Consistency is good and it feels nice seeing results even if they take a while. Definitely recommended!

Then I remembered that I can't "work out" my ugly mug. No matter the effort, you can't tone a fucked up face, chin, nose, whatever, like you can tone your arms or ass. Feels like a case of hard work vs talent, but worse.

So I do some custom integrations for a local bank. A customer is referred to me by the Bank, we failed to o agree on the price by about 100usd. The customer the goes to some old timer who doesn't even know the difference between php and asp. Then new 'dev' can't figure out how to do the integration and then turns to me to do the work for him for 1/3 of what I had charged the client. Don't know if I should tell him to go to hell or call the customer and ask him to get a hire someone who can differentiate between his nose and ass hole.

I need help.
I don't know if I can do this anymore.

As much as I love coding, what I do and making new things, I feel like I can't handle it as well as I used to be able to. I was diagnosed with treatment-resistant depression and anxiety (amongst other things) and it's taking a toll on me. I can't work on problems as well as I used to. I overlooks simple errors and typos and spend hours trying to fix it. I can't focus on anything or even remember what I was doing a minute ago. I seem to constantly miss deadlnes. My performance has taken a nose-dive and I'm in constant fear of losing my job. I'm the breadwinner for my household (dad doesn't work, mom doesn't make enough) and much of my salary goes towards my family and rent.

I have a couple of attempts, and one of my recent ones got me fired from my previous job. I've tried to get help. I've gone to therapy, I'm on a shit-load of anti-depressants and trying to change the outlook of my life, but nothing seems t work.

I don' know what to do. I needed to vent out. What do you think I should do?

[Q] I am working on a small pet project for quite some time now, a basic job searching app (main target IT & fellow devs).

I was wondering if any of you guys have any suggestions, problems to fix that are present in platforms which you are/have been using, ideas?

What really grinds your gears when using other websites and what makes you use them?

P.S am not a recruiter, nor am I working for an agency.
*rating recruiters/companies will be there 100%*

I think I just had a lucid dream... my first.

I thought I snapped my glasses in 2 because I forgot it was on my bed and somehow crushed the nose piece while getting off the bed.

So I'm going crazy looking for my backup and thinking how much it would cost to replace it since i don't have vision insurance this year...

Even thought about using tape to put the 2ends back together....

Just woke up and realized it was a dream. My glasses r fine.

Wonder if this is a warning though... Maybe I'll be more careful because of it...

question to my male homies (or ladies too, if you are equally violent) hey what are your thoughts about someone fucking with your priced possession? you might not have a generic answer, so here are some specific scenarios:

1. some random drunk guy intentionally keys your car/breaks a headlight and you see it.
2. some guy teases /touches your girl/wife/SO/kid inappropriately.
3. some guy drops your phone and breaks screen.

my personal angry reaction for above things could go from either slapping/punching a guy to possibly do him a permanent damage (break arm,leg,nose,hand etc). i am not a violent guy , but some things matter more than a crime i guess (although, does it really count as a crime tho?)

i feel we can give a very these violent reaction for 2 reasons : these possessiona are so damn expensive that we genuinely get hurt and want an instant revenge and secondly we don't trust the judiciary to give a worthy punishment

i asked a friend of mine a simialar question and his violence meter is even lesser. he (20 at that time) once slapped his 50 year old neighbour coz they entered his home and started shouting at his dad, another time caused a big scene on a T-point as an auto driver accidentally dented his car while turning (the car was 2 days old)

Yesturday when I got off work I turned my PC off and it installed some updates... Came in the today turned on the PC and the fucking Win 10 instantly crashes with Sadface of Death "could not run critical service"

Recovery does not work as usual... No safe mode no nothing!

Fuck you Microsoft just stop puting your nose in to hardware and fix your fucking software! Now I have to reinstall all of my development tools and other work related shit... Thank god I pushed my changes!

if using ! in front of a variable - casts it to bool, if necessary - and flips the bit, why CSS uses "!important" to mean important, when it actually means unimportant...

all of you freelancers, how do you manage to get enough projects to make stable income

how long and what topics could cover an interview with the COO of a company?

"being gifted is a curse. You are f*cling crippled, you believed you were gifted, but you have been crippled the whole time."

I never could agree more to these words (healthyGamerGg, a youtube therapist specialized in people with issues related to videogames)

If you read my last rant you may in fact know i have a lot of issues with the implications of our jobs and truth be told, it all boils down to my iq.
Or better: to the fact i have a decent skill for abstracting stuff (iq is so freaking generic)... It can be a blessing while solving issues, but it feels awful when you realize that no matter the amount of money, you will still need something else to be happy the first day of work.
Sometimes I really wonder if I am an a-hole, stupid or if i think these 2 things to deny the fact my reasoning is correct.

On a side note table top games are very easy to enjoy: as soon as I sit at the table my brain goes: "the game is gonna be very boring if you play normally, at the best you are gonna learn a new strat, at the worst you are winning and it'll be just an ego jerk off... What if you play stuff you feel like to play and enjoy the ride and the conversation without planning to win?"
Except cards against humanity and yogi. Those two must be won!
(Yogi is a game where you play cards which give you restrictions e.g: "keep an index on the tip of the nose for the rest of the game" or "place this card on your head for the rest of the game" you lose as soon as you fail any of the cards you played or if you declare you can't draw)