F**k Customer

F🤬k!! why doesn’t this work on the testing server!l! I swear it worked local.

Meanwhile live:

Web dev working in a shell:

And lemme copy that, ctrl-c.
Process stopped.
F**k!

Computer Science is probably the only major where if you suck at it and end up dropping out, you're more likely to be a leader than someone who is good at it and sticks with it.

There were roughly 200 people in my freshman class majoring in CS, by my sophomore year that number had dropped to about 120. A lot of people dropped out because it was too damn difficult for them, and they switched to less technical majors like "Business Information Technology" or "Management Information Systems." Almost without exception, the people who dropped out are now managing teams of developers, they actually have programmers reporting to them. Seriously, WTF?

This isn't even the worst of it, there are people who majored in art history who are now "product managers," who take the word "manager" in their job title literally, they think they're above developers. Some of them will even profess with no small amount of pride that they "know nothing about technology." You can hear the pride in their voice when they say it, as if they're saying "I'm a lot of things, but at least I'm not a geek." Is there any other field of study where people boast with such pride that they know nothing about it? I mean, very few people will say "I know nothing about history" or "I know nothing about literature", and if they do say it, they'll say it with a bit of humility. When it comes to Computer Science though, knowing nothing about it is almost a badge of honor.

Rant the f**k over.

Real Story:

Manager: You have to add an extra section in the app to show more details.

Me: We are already showing so many unnecessary details. These changes are not required.

Manager: No !! You have to do it.

Me : Ok !!! So why can't we show it in the section where we are showing the other details. Why make a separate section for it.

Manager : No !! It won't be clearly visible to the user. Just do it.

So I added another section to show useless information that we are already showing it f**king everywhere else in the app.

So I released a new apk next day with the added features.

In meeting, our CTO goes through the app and ask manager....

" Why we have added an extra section for showing same details that we are showing everywhere else ???

Who approved this ?? This is nonsense !!! "

Here comes the fun part.

Manager : I don't know. I didn't ask for it. These changes were not there earlier.

And ask me.

"Who told you to make these changes ? "

I am like... F***k man you a***ole told me to do it even when i told you it will be nonsense.

-Why you don't use WordPress for every client? It's less work same money.

- because f#*k you.

D E L E T E _ F A C E B O O K !

Do you build some eastereggs into your homepages / apps?

When you press F + U + C + K together on my newest creation you get something like this :-D

!rant

So this happened in the zoom meeting today. 2 colleagues were arguing on something.

A : "Do I look like f**king joke to you?"
B : " No, you don't look like a joke , your camera is off. But you sound like one. "
A : "I am so tired of you , f**k you man"
B: " Hey you can't f**k me without my consent, I said I am not interested."

Me : "Uhm guys this is scrum meeting."
B: "No shit captain obvious, we all know that. "

I am so speechless.....

For my passionate coders out here, I have some tips I learned over the years in a business/IT environment.

1) Don't let stupid management force you into making decisions that will provide a bad product. Tell them your opinion and why you should do it that way. Never just go with their decision.
2)F@#k hackathons, you're basicly coding software for free, that the company might use. Want to probe yourself? Join a community and participate in their challenges.
3)No matter how good you are, haters are common.
4)Learn to have a good communication, some keywords are important to express yourself to other developers or customers. Try crazy things, don't be shy.
5)Never stand still, go hear at other companies what they offer, compare and choose your best fit. This leads me into point...
6)if you've been working for over a year and feel that you have participated enough in the companies growth, ask a raise, don't be afraid...you're wanted on the market, so either they negotiate a new contract or you find another job.

I'm sharing these with you as I made many mistakes regarding these points, I have coded for free or invested so much time in a company just to prove myself. But at the end I realize that my portfolio is enough to prove that I'm capable of doing the job. They don't like me? Or ask me stupid questions that I can google in 5 minutes. I'll just decline the job and get something better. Companies end up giving me nothing in return compared to the work I have put into it. At the end after some struggles you'll find a good fit and that's so important for your programming career. Burnouts happen quite often if you're just a coding puppy.

If some of you still have additional tips be sure to post them under here

A is for Assembly, a wizard's spell

B is for Bootstrap, so bland and the same. And also for Brainf*ck, will blow you away

C is for COBOL, your grandad knows that

D is for daemon, your server knows what

E is for Express.js, you node what is coming

F is for FORTRAN, which is perferct for sciencing

G is for GNU which is GNU not UNIX

H is for Haskell using functional units

I is for Intance, An action of Object

J is for Java plays with them Always

K is for Kotlin, Android's new toy

L is for Lisp, scheming a ploy

M is for Matlab, who knows how it works

N is for Node a bloatware of code

O is for Objective Pascal, you did not expect that

P is for programming, we all love to do that

Q is for Queries, A database is made

R is for R, statistics are great

S is for Selenium, you have to test that

S is for Smalltalk, let's make it all brief

T is for Turing Test, how human is this?

U is for Unix, build with all talents

V is for Visual Studio, built with all laments

W is for Web, lets build something cool

X is for XHTML, remember all that?

Y is for Y2K, I'm tired as f*ck

Z is for Zip, let's zip is all now.

Get yourself coffee and back to the grind.

Developers coding cycle:

Start of Project - "Right, I am going to make this code clean and structured."

Deadline looming - "F**k it, just throw the code in there and get it finished".

Back in the day when I was a junior developer, I somehow got hired by this guy who asked me to code his entire platform from scratch. I was being paid a junior dev salary, being asked to do senior dev work, and unfortunately I needed the money, so I didn't want to turn the job down. So I did what any junior dev would do in the situation... I decided to experiment and ended up with an insanely inefficient codebase.

For some stupid reason I thought that a good DB model would be to pull one record from the DB at a time, and then just repeat the method in a loop as needed. Keep in mind I was a self-taught junior dev. The backend worked great during development, and after 3 months of developing we decided to add a lot of data in the DB for further testing, and... you guessed it... the platform slowed down like shit!

Moral of the story... u get what you pay for, so hire great talent and pay them well! And also that self-taught junior devs don't know that the f@*k they are doing sometimes.

What the f**k is this changelog.

F**K I LOST MY DEVRANT LOGO STICKER

Overheard a phone call between the Senior Network Engineer and a contracted Printer-company at 9am this morning. Photocopier was giving a 'functional error' message on-screen and not printing;

N.E:
I logged this call last
Thursday afternoon. Thats 1.5 days of the photocopier not working on our busiest site! Where's the engineer??
.... yes, that's the error message.
Yes, i can log into it, you should have the IP address from the call.
Yes, it's obviously pinging too.
Yes.... we've power-cycled the printer multiple times...
yes, tried that too...
yes, I've unplugged the network cable as well... left it for 15 minutes.
... sorry. What?
What did you say?
Are you f***ing kidding me?
Would you also like me to rub the side of the f***ing machine, and say a prayer while I'm at it??
*takes a deep breath*
Fine, I'll do that but when it doesn't work, i want someone out on the site before lunchtime today!
*slams phone down angrily*

N.E to me as he stomps out of the office;
He wants me to get the user to unplug the network cable and do a power cycle. How the f**k is that going to help? Idiots! Don't know why we have a contract with them, i could do a better job!!!

*comes back into office 5 minutes later*

Me: did it fix it?
NE: yeah. Damn.
*leaves room again to make apologetic phonecall*

I HATE working with MS Office products. Yes, Access, I'm looking at you, you backwards, whanabe database reject! You're invalid as a serious SQL database and retarded as an data application suite.

VBA, make up your MIND with your damn function calls! Either require me to use parenthesis or don't! I'm sick of this conditional parenthesis sh*t!

While we're talking about not making up your mind... screw 'sub', you half wit language! Either use functions like a real language or go the f&$k home and make room for a language that knows what it's doing!

Oh!!! WHY... WHY! do you have null AND... NOTHING?! Who... Who... WHO invented "nothing"?! And what sick joke are you playing at with isnull() and empty()??? How many damn ways so you need to test for "no value"?!?!

Access... That's right, I'm not done with you yet... How is it you've survived this damn long in the business world with all of the databases you corrupt? Sure, you suck as a real database, but at least have some freaking pride that people even USE you! How DARE your corrupt yourself with the regularity you seem to have! I wish my bowel movements were as regular as your database corruptions, for the love of humanity.

F$@k you, VBA! F@&k you, Access! F$#k you, MS Office! And Fuuuuuu$k YOU Microsoft for shoving these half assed reject tools down my throat!

I hope your cloud uses Access as a back end and gets some injection virus.

*Takes deep breath* need to say that.

Oke so this just happened...

Spent 30 minutes figuring out why the f**k a div was vertically centered within another one.

Apparently margin:auto within a display: flex not only centers horizontally but also vertically.

I remember the days when i spent hours vertically centering sh*t. What universe are we in?

After weeks of hard work creating a website:

It looks so beautiful 😭

*opens in a different browser*

WHAT THE HECK! why is all my divs flying here and there !

*opens in mobile*

f*#k this

New girl at work: "I like using internet explorer"

Me: "F youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!".....In my head, but breath out, smile and say "hmm k"

$work: Ey @Root, make this super simple thing.
$work: No, not like that.
$work: It also needs to do A, B, and C.
$work: No, not there. You should build it somewhere else, but I won't tell you where.
$work: You need to build out F and G, too.
$work: What do you mean you don't have the data? Just ask support drone #3. (who directs me to #2, and that one to #8 who doesn't know, and that one to #12 who won't answer)
$work: Why can't I do K, Y, or S? You should be able to infer these from the mind of whoever wrote the ticket by its wording, despite no mention of them whatsoever.
$work: Are you done yet? It's a super simple ask!

How to reproduce:
human - F**k
process - Fork

Is that skeumorphism of words/sound by Unix developers ?

On Windows machine
Me: login as admin. Cool i have admin rights now.
Me: Open's gitbash.
$ react-native run-android.
Error: cannot create some folder.
Build failed.

Ok. Maybe i should right click and select run as administrator.

Again
$ react-native run-android
Error: cannot delete some folder
Build failed.

What? Again?

Ok one more time.

$ react-native run-android
Error: cannot create some folder.
Build failed.

F**k this shit.

Switch to ubuntu.

$ react-native run-android.
Build finished
Installing on device.
Done

How Linux users swear:
What the fork !

Project manager: We have 13weeks for this project. We have promised the client.

Me: okay, why wasnt I consulted on that commitment?

Project Manager: yeah.... we have to do it

Me: okay, if we have 2 dedicated backend and one full time frontend - ONLY on this project.

Project manager: (with the face of lies) yes yes sure we can do that.

6 weeks later, after continuous interruptions. Frontend is behind because he was only on the project to an amount of 2 weeks of the 6 weeks.

Project manager: Are we still on time?

Me: *looks around for prank cameras* no the f#*k we not

Project manager: can we put in weekends?

Me: its 2019 bro, that ain't happening

*But because I am a nice guy, and dont like taking Ls, we will have it ready. Just not gonna tell the project manager, he deserves a few sleepless nights *

TL;DR: Tech companies. Don't ask for loyalty if you don't care about your people.

> I'm a gud Dev (and a gud boi).
> The company assing me a cool project.
> The company promised pay me the training. about that suite. They didn't.
> I finish the project and i'd accomplish the task with more effectivity than excepted.
> My company won an interview about "the success case of the implemented software and its integration with our software". They denied me the chance to fly and go to the meet. Instead they will send another guy...
> I asked for a "salary adjust" cos I'm finishing my engineering degree and my good work. They declined.
> Next day I'd present my volunteer job resignation within 15 days (because laws demands that). I have a better job option with +20% my actual salary and a lot of benefits. And they needs me ASAP.
> Everybody look at me shocked and if I am a traitor.

What the f!$-k they did expect?
My unconditional loyalty?
🤣🤣🤣

F U C K

I just lost all of the images of a website of a client

I am UI developer. The fucking domain model which we have in our project changes very frequently (once in a week (f**k)).

There is one person who is backend developer in this project. I call him TATTI because code he wrotes is "maha tatti".

Now real story,
Whene ever he makes any chnages to, so called, very complex domain model, he even doesn't inform me to reflect changes in UI. So whenever it goes on production, our boss abuse me for not updating UI.

Fucking tatti, just message me what should be changed or not and I really don't understand why they need changes in domain model every week.

F**g cto, decide domain structure first and then tell your team to start implementing it.

Other thing, when ever I ask tatti any doubt about any field is needed to display in UI or not because it is removed or added in domain model, he fucking chutiya starts explaining me whole project instead of just telling yes or no.

I don't care what your fucking backend does. Just tell me what is needed or not. And also he is not sure whether to keep that field or not even he had made that change.

He tells, "ha ye field chahie (after 5 seconds) , nahi wese to hum kahi use nahi kr rhe, ye sirf furture ke liye rkha tha use hta do (after 5 seconds), ek kam kro Mr xyz(another back end developer) se puch lo"

Fuck you maha tatti. And due to this i left that project and switched to other.

Microsoft WHAT THE ACTUAL F**K. WHAT IS THE REASON TO UPDATE VISUAL STUDIO INSTALLER TO UNINSTALL VISUAL STUDIO.

I'm f**king annoyed today

Today can f**k off and suck my balls

Rant over 😡

Another fucking rant about my fucking goldfish brain.

At meetings, I usually note down things I need to fix, to do on the sticky note pad that comes with the OS, currently Mint.

I sat at my desk.
Looked at my notes.
Decided to properly put them as tasks on trello.
I copied all notes, planning to paste it on a trello card quickly.
Then I can just work on trello and separate into different tasks.
Connection issue.
Ethernet said connected but websites are not showing up.
Maybe restart will fix since I haven't opened any app and started working anyway.
Reboot.
Internet works.
Yayyy.
Trello showed up.
Yayyy.
oooh
f
u
c
k.

fuck.
fuck.

Hi,
I'm not a ranty person so I never actually thought I'd post anything here but here it goes.

From the beginning.
We use ancient technologies. PHP 5.2, Symfony 1.2 and a non RFC complient SOAP with NO documentation.
A year ago We've been thrown a new temporary project. An VOIP app for every OS.
That being iOS, Android, MAC, PC, Linux, Windows mobile. With a 3 month deadline. All that thrown at 4 PHP developers. The idea being that They'll take it, sign the delivery protocol, everyone happy. No more updates for the app needed. They get their funds they needed the app for and we get paid.

Fast forward to today...

Our dev team started the year with great news that We'll most likely have to create a new project. Since the amount of new features would be far greater than current feature set, we managed to finally force our boss to use newer technologies (ie. seperate backend symfony4 PHP7+/frontend react, rest api and so on). So we were ecstatic to say the least. With preestimates aimed at a minimum 3 month development period. Since we're comfortable with everything that needs to be done.
Two days later our boss came to me that one of our most annoying clients needs a new feature. Said client uses ancient version written on a napkin because They changed half of the specification 2 weaks before deadline in a software made not by a developer but some sysadmin who didn't know anything. His MVC model was practically VVV model since he even had sql queries in some views. Feature will take 3 days - fixing everything that will break in the meantime - 1-2 months.
F*** it, fine. A little overtime won't kill me.
Yesterday boss comes again... Apparently someone lost a delivery protocol for a project we ended that half a year ago. Whats even better at the time when we asked for hardware to test we never got any. When we asked about any testing enviornment - nothing. The app being SEMI-stable on everything is an overstatement but it was working on the os'es available at the time. Since the client started testing now again, it turns out that both Android app does not work on 8.1/9 and the iOS app does not work on ios12. The client obviously does not want to pay and we can do little with it without the protocol, other than rewriting the apps.
It will take months at least since all of those apps were written by people that didn't know neither the OS'es nor the languages. For example I started writing the iOS one in swift. Only to learn after half of the development time, that swift doesn't like working by C Library rules and I had to use ObjC also. With some C thrown in due to the library. 3 unknown languages, on an unknown platform in 3 months. I never had any apple device in my hand at that time nor do I intend to now. I'm astonished it worked out then. It was a clusterf**k of bad design and sticking everything together with deprecated apis and a gum. So I'll have to basically fully rewrite it.

If boss decides we'll take all those at the same time I'll f***ing jump of a bridge.

Tl;dr porn is ruining my life.

Today I had a meeting with the project leader and the CTO. They had bad news, which did not come as a surprise.

In short, they said I did not pass the expectations they had, and unfortunately need to find somewhere else to work.

This is my third time being told to find somewhere else to work, and I really can't describe how it feels. I was even told that I maybe I should reconsider my future as a developer, and kids can do programming better than I can do.

It's really difficult when all you've done in the last year is to learn and improve your current skills.

I have good grades, a unique experience, built lots of unique projects, and a GitHub portfolio with high activity. The apps I've built are used by many customers today. I also have a blog with 600 k views where I share dev tips.

The thing with this work if I'm going, to be honest, is that they expected someone with senior experience, and unfortunately, I don't have that thus it takes many years to build it. So I started here with almost scratch experience of the things they needed.

On the other hand, it feels like a relief in that I can finally focus on my personal business. And maybe this wasn't the right place to work, maybe it requires a couple of jobs until I find the right place.

Despite the bumpy ride, and what such people tell you, I'm not going to give up.

10 years ago, my school teacher told me I was going to be a carpenter (nothing against that) but I manage to get an MSc degree in the engineering field.

There's a lot of shit going into your head when you receive such message like "What if they are true, what if I can't handle programming, what if I'll never be anything etc".

I'm not giving up, this is just a great story every successful person has.

What my number one problem is, and I will f*** win is porn addiction. Get rid of that, and the future is bright.

Sorry for mixing so many things here.

F U C K I N G
P R O C R A S T I N A T I O N

StackOverflow knows everything!

One night I asked question on SO first time. So next morning, really excited man, want to see my scores. But result was -3 rating! "F**k!" And urgently deleted my question. But SO gave me `Peer pressure` badge, badge for `Delete own post with score of -3 or lower.`... OMG!

This big multi-million consulting company hired me as freelance. They did it in a hurry, because "the project already started, it is a very important client (a bank) and we need your expertise by YESTERDAY".

In the first THREE WEEKS I had meetings with their own project managers, their client's project managers, techies, sales people. No one was able to tell me what do I have to do, but:

1 - they asked me for very detailed estimates plus a release plan
2 - f**k your estimates, we need this BY JANUARY 16th

Arrived at office then almost immediately the boss, who's also a developer, tells me he changed something on the protocol/api.

Me thinking: u just broke the api without thinking on consequences but hey... Ur the boss...

Later, he says: look, our app crashes!

Me: obviously...

:/ what the f**k was he thinking... :/

!rant

Breaking point in System Architecture. The point where you define it is ok for the system to break if you user doesn't meets the expected threshold of intellect.

In plain words, you say "F**K it, if someone is that stupid, let the system go down"

They don't teach this in college.

I am fuming!!! I have never before in my entire life been more pissed.

When you are working you are a** off on a weekend to finish a project in half the time and have a sh**ty, unstable third party API you have to integrate with return responses like this. I present to you the world's most horrific API.

Feel like punching through the monitor screen. What the f**k is this! 200 and ERROR?

As I write this rant I have Grammarly correcting my grammar. Thanks, Grammarly!!!! I am having an amazing weekend. -_- Cheers my fellow devs!

Regex.

I HATE YOU.

There. I've said it.

I spent the better part of the last hour trying to wrangle together, not one, but TWO regexes and getting them to work with Python's "re" module.

The worst part about these little shits? It's how well they work once you figure out how to get them to work. For example, pulling a phone number out of a paragraph is difficult with string methods, but cake with regex . . . if you can figure out the pattern.

But I think I'll always have hate in my heart for Regex just for how obtuse and frustrating they can be.

F**k you regex.

What the F**K? Why Marketing department always think they know better than IT Department? They always tell us "What so difficult to do this thing? You guys must have templates and change a few things!"

Let me give you some insight here, that this guy is the guy who buy website templates from programmers, change things and upload the site to Bluehost or Wordpress, That's all he do.

Our Software Archictect, colleagues and I personally went from "What the f***?" to "Are you f**king Kidding Me? "

Sometimes I just want to tell him this "Hey you mother f**ker, based on your f**king statement , why would you need programmers then? You guys can just buy the templates and change things".....

F**k you Marketing Department!

After being in China for one week,I realized how much I actually use Google during the day.don't know how they do this but even using a VPN is not a solution most of the times :-? At least devRant is not blocked here;)

F**k Java.
Enough said.

The GashlyCode Tinies

A is for Amy whose malloc was one byte short
B is for Basil who used a quadratic sort
C is for Chuck who checked floats for equality
D is for Desmond who double-freed memory
E is for Ed whose exceptions weren’t handled
F is for Franny whose stack pointers dangled
G is for Glenda whose reads and writes raced
H is for Hans who forgot the base case
I is for Ivan who did not initialize
J is for Jenny who did not know Least Surprise
K is for Kate whose inheritance depth might shock
L is for Larry who never released a lock
M is for Meg who used negatives as unsigned
N is for Ned with behavior left undefined
O is for Olive whose index was off by one
P is for Pat who ignored buffer overrun
Q is for Quentin whose numbers had overflows
R is for Rhoda whose code made the rep exposed
S is for Sam who skipped retesting after wait()
T is for Tom who lacked TCP_NODELAY
U is for Una whose functions were most verbose
V is for Vic who subtracted when floats were close
W is for Winnie who aliased arguments
X is for Xerxes who thought type casts made good sense
Y is for Yorick whose interface was too wide
Z is for Zack in whose code nulls were often spied

- Andrew Myers

Do you know what's better than getting work done. HAVING ANOTHER F****ING MEETING ABOUT WHAT WORK NEEDS TO BE DONE!

I COULD'VE HAD MOST OF THIS SHIT DONE BY NOW BUT I HAVE TO SPEND 1/2 OF EVERY DAY JUST EXPLAINING WHAT THE F***K I'M DOING, WHAT THE F**K EVERYONE ELSE IS DOING, AND THEN EXPLAINING WHY IT HASN"T BEEN F***ING DONE!

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY EVERYONE IS LEAVING WHY YOU CAN'T RETAIN ANYONE? YOU HIRED THEM AS FREAKING ENGINEERS PROMISING THEM THEY WOULD BE ABLE TO DO THINGS AND THEY SPEND ALL DAY IN F***ING MEETINGS WASTING THEIR IQ AND WISHING FOR DEATH!

GGAAAHHHHH! BY THE EMPEROR PLEASE COMMISSAR END ME!

I think my days as a dev are over
shit fuck!!!!
All i know is writing code, schematics, systems recommendations
Was given a tender doc for a project
the doc was in 2 parts "Technical" & "Financial"
I HAVE NEVER DONE A TENDER BEFORE and little did i know a shit load of documents are required
MY BOSS GOT FURIUS SINCE I DIDNT COMPILE ALL DOCS and 1 required doc was expired tried to get it renewed and renewal will take 3 week or 1 month and deadline was in 2 hours time
FUCK!!!!

F U C K M E ! ! ! ! !

I fucking hate college beyond the point i can descibe and i regret my life away for the day i started the fucking college i am now year 5 with 5 exams left and i can not fucking pass this fucking usless BULLSHIT its so fuckimg usless and i COULDNT GIVE A FUCK EVEN IF YOU PAY ME TO LEARN THIS I JUST DONT GIVE A F U C K YOU MOTHERCUCKEMJKSKSKEEUEIEEIEUDJSJJSJJSJEKAIQOQOAOQPPSOCMCMCME ECXKSOOWOWISIESIIZIISIJSS E.D.XNXHCNFBFHHDDHXHDHXHHDDDNJDKALOOEOWISJSJWJJWWISIXJXBVNNSNSKEK

Our story start like this.

Boss: Hey programmer A, Can you implement {feature X} on this application?

Programmer A: I suggest not implement {feature X} because {negative impact of feature X}

Boss: Ok

Boss asks Programmer B.

Boss: Hey programmer B, Can you implement {feature X} on this application?

Programmer B: Of course, no problem

Programmer B asks Programmer A.

Programmer B: Hey Programmer A, Do you know how to implement {feature X} on this application? I have no idea.

Programmer A: WHAT!!! do you know that {feature X}, Will negatively impact our application?

Programmer B: Well that's our boss want, I can't say no.

Programmer A: (F**k I hate this guy)

One of our senior dev enjoys berating the other devs because they don't check-in code according to his schedule (once a day, once an hour..he flip-flops a lot), then when they do, he 'reviews' their code, beating them up because of incomplete features, commented out code..petty..petty nonsense.
Ex. (this occurred couple of weeks ago).

Ralph: "The button click code in this event isn't complete"
Dev: "No, its not, the code in my development branch. You said it was best practice to check in code daily whether the code worked or not. I didn't finish the event last night and ..."
Ralph: "Exactly. Before you check any code into source control, it has to work and be 100% complete. What if someone moved that code into production? What happens if that code got deployed? I'm not even going talk about the lack of unit tests."
Dev: "Uh..well..the code is on the development channel, and I branched the project in my folder ...I didn't think it mattered.."
Ralph: "Ha ha...you see what happens when you don't think...listen..."
- blah blah blah for 10 minutes of hyperbole nonsense of source control check-in 'best practice'

This morning Ralph's computer's hard-drive crashed.
Ralph: "F-k! ..F-k! ... my f-king computer hard drive crashed!"
Me: "Ouch...did you loose anything important?"
Ralph: "A f-king week of code changes."
Me: "You checked everything into source control on Friday ...didn't you?"
Ralph: "F-k no!...I got busy...and...f-k!"
Me: "Look at the bright side, you'll have a good story to tell about the importance of daily check-ins"

Oh...if looks could kill. Karma...you're the best.

413 Payload too large, oh f**k

F-U-C-K WINDOWS 11!

Worst git f**k up?

* A job application followup email I received:

Hi [programmerName],
Thank you for your interest in joining [companyName].

While we appreciate your application, we decided to move forward with other candidates whose skills and experience are a closer match to our requirements for this specific role.
Feel free to check back, as we are always adding new positions.

Best of luck with your career search!
-The [companyName] Team

* My (probably trashed) reply:

Hello

I personally ignore this precompiled stuff you HR people send.
I feel this answer will be probably trashed somewhere but I feel the need to write this.

You know absolutely nothing about my skills because you didn’t even talk with me.

Maybe I am not the best person in writing a resume or an introduction letter, the key skill appreciated in companies doing head hunting instead of building a solid corporate culture and cultivating talent. Or at least HR people in such companies.

Please consider that, maybe you didn’t like my resume or I didn't write a list of words matching your check list, but at least I honestly wrote my experience instead of trying to hack my way to a job interview writing a fake one that triggers usual HR patterns.
Consider that I do a job for a living and I don't live or have the time to make the perfect resume, I don’t even apply for all companies I see, I only apply for the ones I believe I can work well because I like them. I am not a professional job searcher, jumping from a company to another.

You keep posting this very same add since October 2019 and probably even earlier.
This sounds to me like:
- or your selection process does not work well and you end up hiring the wrong people
- or maybe your work place is not that good as you describe it, so that you have zero retainment despite your high salary.
But I cannot be sure because, guess what, I could not check personally.

If you want to talk about my skills and compare me to other people please test me otherwise don’t write (copy/paste) this offensive trash.

Best of luck with your career as a HR person in a tech company!

-A person tired of HR managers that do not give a f**k about the word “human” in their job description.

Recruiters call me and be like "I'm looking for a Python Developer to work in London with 5 Years of experience - Is that something you'd be interested in?"

I respond with - "Sure.. only if you can tell me where the f**k you found the word Python on my CV or ANYWHERE online."

1 - I've got ZERO experience in Python...

2 - I've got 3 Years experience in development regardless of being in anything Python related...

3 - I live 1-2 hours away from London...

Come on guys - Do you even read CVs before you blindly call? How shit are you!?

If I spent all my time calling candidates that had no relevance for the role I'm recruiting for (most likely to get call times up) back when I was a recruiter, my boss would have my nuts for lunch for making the agency look bad.

- Learn git/github
- Create and finish a useful project on my Raspberry Pi
- Successfully organize a LoL tournament in my school, and develop something related to it
- Do not lose my mind when my programming teacher keeps saying bullshit
- Install a Linux distro along with my Windows as dualboot
- F u c k i n g clean that computer case a l r e a d y
- Finish the website I have been making for like half a year for my hobby
- Be active on devRant

I have a colleague, let's call him Zigo.

Each time we have a technical discussion inside the team Zigo wants to always impose his opinion. Even if it's the dumbest thing ever.

Zigo thinks he's always right.

Zigo never accepts other's arguments.

Zigo thinks he's smarter than everyone...

Hey Zigo... f**k off and learn to respect your teammates.

I'm sure all of you have (or had) a Zigo in your team.

PS : I've known people that were like Zigo, but they have the technical background & knowledge that "allows" them to be like that. The only problem is that our Zigo doesn't have all these qualities...

PPS : sorry for my English - it is not my strong suit.

(the meeting)

I've had a non-IT world colleague ask me to build a website, I asked if it's a static website like resume etc with no database & stuff. I quoted $1000 if that's the case since that's minimal maintenance
He goes he needs a simple website, like eBay to sell his products. Also need features like Amazon, integration of various payments. And this and that.

For $1000 !!

I felt good that he thinks I can make an e-commerce site but f¢k that thinking man.. I told him to hire a freelancer and told him about few sites.

Maybe we'll see a thousand dollar e-commerce site, haha I only hope the payments part is secure 😂😂 I ain't buying anything anyways. I'm 99 % sure nobody's gonna do it and next time we talk, he's gonna be like 1000 and a 50 haha

That moment when one a simple feature request devolves into fixing all other issues of a service we own.

F******k

Has anyone ever taken on a project where you dont know what you are getting yourself into, and then start it and going down the rabbit hole of docs and then at some point ask yourself "what the f u c k am i doing?"

In the past, the company that i worked gave to all the employees usb to save whatever they want, after that, this happened.

Me: Hi, how can i help you today?
User: The USB that IT gave to us it's broken.
Me: Broken?
User: Yeah, i can't plug-in in my computer.
Me: Did you try turn around?
User: Of course i.. ah, f**k yeah.

And ends the call.

So, I wanted to find a new way to arrange my language's alphabet. Atm, I'm loosely using latin's system even though my system is weird;

A B K D E F G H I IE SH L M N O P R S T U V

So, I remember that another language (I think Japanese) uses a poem with every letter to figure the order of their letters, so I decided to do the same.

Only problem is: My current word list is very limited, some of the letters I needed only existed in specific words (aka, the word for "Dark") so I ended up making a very depressing poem.

Enjoy! Or not.. I'm not going to tell you what to do.

English translation below. I also will post images of it written in my language's script, as well as one line in my language's cursive script (I'm not doing the whole thing in cursive because fuck that)

Senarseha:

Seh ninfuat seh nem fieta; Seka sato nem fiekm juna jenes sermin.
Seh ninfuat sif nemsin netua niet; Seka sem sedma nemat sargo no
nrokniet sam fiekmin sehim sepra.

Sehim sinta nem nara niv nakliet.

Seh nem sine fieta.

English:

I say I am well; But all is dark before day begins.
I say it isn't too much; But this place is a farm of
preasure that blackens my soul.

My mind is ever in agony.

I am not well.

This scene is an 8-year-old.
My friend(F) got his first mobile. First featured mobile.
Maximum smartness in that mobile was a snake game and Bluetooth.
So I decided to prank him.
M: Bro do you know this particular model need a network to use Bluetooth?
F: I am not stupid to believe you.
M: I can prove that.
F: K prove me, I will give you treat.
M: ok, turn on your Bluetooth paired it with my Bluetooth.
F: Ok
*start sending him the movie. We were on the train, a train was about to enter the tunnel*
M: When the train will enter a tunnel, We will lose network and sending will fail.
F: ok let's see.

*when a train enters in a tunnel, we shift light to black in meantime for 3-4 sec our eyes feel blindness. so I closed eyes before entering a tunnel and once train enter in the tunnel immediately restart Bluetooth *

M: look sending failed
F: Seriously man, I didn't know that.
M: It's ok bro next time inform me before buying any electronics.
F: sure
M: my treat?
F: Yup

*for next few days, he was thinking that Bluetooth need a network to send files until whole group laugh on him*

If you or a loved one suffer from whatever the f u c k this is...

Send them to the fucking hospital

Rant!

Been working on 'MVP' features of a new product for the past 14 months. Customer has no f**king clue on how to design for performance. An uncomfortable amount of faith was placed on the ORM (ORMs are not bad as long as you know what you are doing) and the magic that the current framework provides. (Again, magic is good so long as you understand what happens behind the smoke and mirrors - but f**k all that... coz hey, productivity, right?). Customer was so focussed on features that no one ever thought of giving any attention to subtler things like 'hey, my transaction is doing a gazillion joins across trizillion tables while making a million calls to the db - maybe I should put more f**king thought into my design.' We foresaw performance and concurrency issues and raised them way ahead of the release. How did the customer respond? By hiring a performance tester. Fair enough - but what did that translate into? Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Hiring a perf tester doesn't automagically fix issues. The perf tester did not have a stable environment, a stable build or anything that is required to do a test with meaningful results. As the release date approached, the customer launched a pilot and things started failing spectacularly with the system not able to support more than 15 concurrent users. WTF! (My 'I told you so' moment) Emails started flying in all directions and the hunt for the scapegoat was on (I'm a sucker for CYA so I was covered). People started pointing in all directions but no one bothered to take a step back and understand what was causing the issues. Numero uno reason for transaction failure was deadlocks. We were using a proprietary DB with kickass tooling. No one bothered to use the tooling to understand what was the resource in contention let alone how to fix the contention. Absolute panic - its like they just froze. Debugging shit and doing the same thing again and again just so that management knew they were upto something. Most of the indexes had a fragmentation of 99.8% - I shit you not. Anywho, we now have a 'war room' where the perf tester needs to script the entire project by tonight and come up with some numbers that will amount to nothing while we stay up and keep profiling the shit out of the application under load.

Lessons learnt - When you foresee a problem make a LOT of noise to get people to act upon it and not wait till it comes back and bites you in the ass. Better yet, try not to get into a team where people can't understand the implications of shitty design choices. War room my ass!

f**king people asking to design admin panel colorfully with these f**king psd images, I was like literally crying inside, I have never seen such a damn f**king admin panel. f**k off managers

Just entered my password, looked at devrant on my phone, looked back on the screen. "Here you go f**kwhit, I turned into the blue screen of death just because I didn't had your attention"
Did this another time while writing this rant. F**K OFF Winderp!

that moment when you write 100 lines of code for particular purpose and at last you find built in function for that purpose
f**k f**k f**k

DO NOT f**king run automation and performance on the same f**king environment! You'll f**k up both the tests. Today is gonna be a long day.

var a = {
value: -1,
toString: function() {
return ++this.value;
}
}

if(a & !a) {
console.log("F**k you JS!");
}

if(a == 2 && a == 3) {
console.log("F**k you again JS!");
}

*me and my manager, during my appraisal meeting

me: *talks about work done in previous project, and the current one under him

manager: but your JIRA throughput is very less.

me: the tickets which I pick are more research oriented and almost always take more time than the other config- fix type ones, and due to me being shifted from another team, there has been an increasing learning curve, I realize that, but...

manager: look at Jack, his throughput has been consistently high.

*me, after realizing my appraisal has obviously gotten affected and this discussion will lead nowhere

me: I would like to have a chat with HR before I sign the form with the percentage increment you are offering.

*me, with hr the next day
hr: your manager tells me that your throughput has been less than satisfactory.

me: *goes on to explain about the type of tickets I have been working on, along with other enhancements done to make people's lives easier

hr: but the throughput...

me: where the f**k do I sign?

I fucking hate being a Dev sometimes.

G i v e m e f u l f i l l i n g t a s k s p l e a s e

Not these shitty ones with API documentation riddled with holes 🫠😥

To,
GOOGLE CHROME

F**K U
the sh*ttiest browser ever

Thanking you,
yours faithfully,
annoyed developer

^(f|F)+(u|U)+(c|C)+(k|K)+(!|?)+$

Daily Standup with HR... what the f**k is going on..? 🤨

Me: I don't understand, why is this not working?

After a few hours of debugging and continuous re-starting the server and most important praying to GOD

Me: F**k! how is this working? Ok let's not touch it, it's working

Any enterprise web service which ignores http standards. If you have a Fucking error return 500 not 200 with an error string you f--k

WTF (Windows The F**K)

How about creating a new programming language named "C slang"

highlights from the language:
1. variable declaration :
by default, all declaration are var, but inorder
to declare a constant, write:
cunt a = 15; // means const a = 15;

2. input and output :
suck(b) // input stored in variable b
spit(b) // output b

3. function declaration:
f**k <function_name>(parameters);

4. null or None will be replaced by sh*t
for example: if(node root == sh*t)....

any other sh**y recommendation will be appreciable

how i feel every Windows 10 update: WHAT THE FUCK WINDOWS 10 WHAT THE F U C K

Forget the people that don't use tests.
If you are a guy that doesn't even use error handling,
F U C K Y O U
I can't move on my tasks because the fucker doesn't have any error handling and he is absent so i have to fix them.
fucker.

WordPress makes me a violent person. I just fucking hate WordPress with all my guts.
Fuck WordPress. F U C K WordPress.

ORA-00942: table or view does not exist.
Which f**king table?! F**k you Oracle.

Ublock orgin the improved version of adblock, access less RAM and filters better than adblock.

Reason I'm posting this, is that I saw a post about adblock and how some people really don't like it anymore as it doesn't block all of the ads like it used to.

Just hoping to save some people from malicious popups/annoying ads.

I am starting work on the avatar editor now. Damn this is actually pretty focken hard.

Wow what an eloquent detailed explanation. Thank you for clarifying what the problem is. Now i know exactly what i have to do. You F U C K I N G TRASH LOWEST PILE OD GARBAGE OF HUMAN WASTE CORPORATION HOW ARE YOU NOT FUCKINGGGGGGGG BANKRUPT YOU FUCKING CANCEROUS SHITHOLE FUCKING ASSLICKERS FKKKKKINGGGGG GAYPAL FUCKKKKK YOU MOTHERFUCKERS I HOPE YOUR FAMILIES DIE IN CAR CRASHES WHOEVER IS RUNNING GAYPAL

MY FUCKING MONEY IS STUCK IN THIS FUCKING PILE OF TRASH HOLE CALLED GAYPAL AND I CANT FUCKING GET IT OUT. ITS JUST A MATTER OF TIME UNTIL GAYPAL BLOCKS MY ACCOUNT FOR NO FUCKING REASON AND STEALS MY MONEY, LEGALLY????!!!!!!!!!!! AND AGAIN

How the f**k am I gonna press F1

"the footer of the site is broken"

seriously, f..k wysiwyg-editors!
all they do is creating invalid bloated html and I'm supposed to clean up the mess behind the content managers...

Hi.
Forgot to renew my expiring ssl cert of my smtp/imaps/pop3s on 12/31. Set that date to self-harm me for bad monitoring.

F**K F**K F**K F**K...

Why do I do that?
F******K!

Meh.

You shall have a happy new year... i will regen certs :D

Every f*k**g morning.. "Good morning _____, goood morning!" I'm so tired of these work from home Zoom calls with my boss. OMG. Everybody gotta suck her dick like we like her. Aaaaaaah. #tears

I must be a madman.

Trying to log in to appDynamics. enter account name, hit ENTER -- <...>/appdynamics.com/controller/undefined, 404: Page not found.

Go back, do that again -- same result

Go back, ctrl+F5, try again -- same result.

So in the end I did 17 or 19 back-retry attempts in a row and the last one DID log me in.

Peachy.

<F><U><C><K.<J><S>

I just found out devRant UWP client us made with VB.NET (oh f**k)

Why???

F**k the education system. We have a project for each programming subject to which I am committed. Adding upon that, a startup company shows up from nowhere, with their mainstream project which is to be completed by students and in return we get a useless certificate for completing their modules. And the worst part is that they have kept it compulsory.
I don't know who is going to benefit more, the college, the students or the company.

Been working a year and a half on an offer for a client to plan their new system. Today they wanted us to construct the whole system and call it a beta only to pay 10% of the total costs. They said it is our responsibility to make the budget work as they are merely the "end users and not tech people". I am considering to tell them to go f**k themselves tomorrow.

Didn't work much for last 6 months.
Manager calls and tells me that I've gotten a half yearly appraisal based on my performance.
Asks me if I have any questions or something to say.
Didn't say a word.
Appreciates me and tells me to keep working hard.
Left the room with a slight grim on my face.
No expectations, no f**k.

i deleted my swap partition

F**k

I've got a report that one of our machine-learning purpose computers broke down suddenly. I took a look and saw that the thing was stuck at the BIOS screen. The thing that was off was that it did not prompt for any keystrokes. Like, if there were a BIOS problem, there would usually be a prompt to press <F1> to ignore or something, right? But, nope! Even BIOS did not do jack s#!+.

I tinkered around the peripherals for an hour before finally finding something odd - why the f*<k does this computer have a screen hooked up via f*<king D-Sub????????

Yup, somebody hooked up a screen to the base motherboard via D-Sub when they rearranged other computers, even though that machine needed to have a screen hooked up to a GPU via HDMI.

🤦

I was practising Java at my school(they were still teaching POWERPOINT,f**k)
They got themselves 20 shiny All-in-one garbage with Windows 10.
I got my bootable usb Linux with me,and fired up Kali.By mistake my program ran into infinite loop....
And the rest is history,got banned from the lab😭
P.s.I don't have anything to code on ,i write my programs on paper and executed them on the pc at my school,what to do now

That moment when first coding challenge is a mathematical expression evaluator with custom unary operators but your code does not meet the standard because it did not cure cancer.

The fuck you mean I had no unit tests. You specifically told me that you don't want a lot of code. F@$#&#k

How I program at home

Leading back in my chair throwing a stress ball in the air listening to a YouTube video on how thanos is the boss baby cartoon randomly shouting F**k and furiously typing before my idea goes away

How I program at school/work

Stares at screen muttering swears and wanting to take a nap while googling basic sh*t

Well, this week was a week from hell. It was a short 3 day week, and all of my internal Customers, who are normally pretty reasonable, just all unloaded on me at the same time. "We need this now!" "Have you done this?" "Why didn't you do that?" "We need you to do this, because our migration takes place in 30 minutes." (first notice of the migration). And then to top everything off, I'm creating a rollback DDL, and I've spent a couple of hours pulling my hair out, because a set of columns that need rolled back aren't in Prod, so I can't roll them back, because my own DDL drops them, and broadcast my natural meltdown to the entire DevOps team, feeling like an utter jackass after I realize my mistake. And even at quitting time, they are still walking up, and texting, and emailing. Holy f**k, I'm only going to be gone four days, two of them weekend, and will be back. All of this while trying to sell my house and pack boxes and move to an apartment. Can I retire now? Looks at retirement account... Nope, I'll be working until I'm 95. Just shoot me already!

His long do you think it will take for Google to come up with a true replacement for Java. A replacement, not an alternative like Kotlin, but a complete "go f**k yourself, Larry" replacement that anyone can port their Java app over to. On January 1, if you are a for profit, Larry had said if you want to update to the next version and use Java SE to code with, you need a support license. It's a brill move, because Java is everywhere, and at least for a little while, it will generate a respectable profit for Oracle. But I'm sure Google is working on something to stick it to Larry. Wonder if EU competition chief Vestager will threaten am investigation. This should be fun to watch.

Why is learning a new language from python such a bitch? Like, w h a t t h e f u c k. Syntax can eat my ass with that semi colon no semi colon bullshit. Also fuck the compiler with it always having an error and shit. I was lowkey just trying to compile the shortest shit but cant get through s h i t. Fuck life I swear I'm gonna shoot my computer if I get another error.

Argh recruiters!! After 4 emails back and forth because he won’t tell me the company name I agree to a call. Basic role for a basic company. Acknowledges he’s asking for me to take a pay cut but doesn’t listen to the reasons why I would. I ask about the hardware - doesn’t know. Tells me that two competing frameworks are being used. Wants me to agree to an interview without listening 😡🤬😡then tells me I will need to do a technical test, jog the f**k on.

I love gaming. I love Linux. Why can't these i have both of these in one platform.

Using Windows day to day is killng me please the gods of os development, seinors, senpai find a solution for this...

I get that I'm new with this programming stuff. Yet why is it I feel I'm fighting the UI of Android than actually programming. Why is it so damn hard to display something in a nav draw. Really depressing when I can't get the damn ui to work to make the click events. Fine I got the damn menu to show. F**k if I can get the child's to show up to continue on the f**king project. F**k me with a cactus.

So I got a job and on the first day I was giving a task to fix a bug which they said it was urgent that the software is been used by the financial department, so if I don't get it fixed soonest they would be loosing money.

I completely don't know how the software works, so I thought they would give me some time to get familiar with the code base but fu*k I gat to fix this if not they would See me as a person who does not know his stuff.

Some minute later, the CTO messaged me asking me how I introduced the bug in the first place, I was like I have not even cloned the repo, I have not pushed any code lol. At that point I know I'm gonna be so f**ked in this job .

So after sometime I fixed it but I had to get permission from the lady that manages the database because I was not given access and I need to update a field name in a table for everything to work well. I asked the lady to help update the field since she is the only one that has access to it and its urgent and every body is waiting for me. She told me to wait for 1hr and remind her that she's busy right now, after some hrs I reminded her but she kept telling me she will update it later.

Nobody wants to hear that I was not the one delaying the fix, so since I can push some code to the report and it's get deployed, I wrote a script to update the field and I removed the code later. With that done the fix was live and everybody was happy!

The next day, the lady came to me and was like I tried to update the field when I went home but it has already been update but I don't know why. I told her I don't know too :p😃

Soo... Let me get this straight... My boss reeeeeeally wants me to reconfigure our database system to sync data between each of our 15 sites... Let me this about this...

Our database is an MS Access database originally written about 17 years ago. It was written as a standalone database that runs a unique instance for each of our sites.The person responsible for the database (still not the original developer) before I took over 6 years ago bragged about how they were "an 80s developer" (w...t...f!). Even with all of the fixes and additions (additions because... F&$#ing of course there are!) It's still basically held together by duct tape and spit.

Hmmm... Ok, still possible. What's the environment I'm working in... I have absolutely ZERO control of our workplace network... That's a whole other department. Due to the nature of the workplace (and it's sites) there is extreme limitation on network access.

Well... If I'm Reeeeeeally nice to the people in charge of the network, maaaaaybe they can give me access to a little server space.

A very long shot, but, doab.... Oh, the boss would really like this handled in the next couple months...

F$#k you! There is no way on God's (still) green earth that I... Alone... Can rewrite a legacy database... written across 4 or 5 different versions of FU$KING MS Access, and give 15 sites, with extremely limited networking, real time data sync in... Oh, a few months.

Now, I do not work with "computer people". I'm usually lucky when my coworkers remember their passwords (which, even if they don't, WHY tell ME! I don't run the network!)

And when I tell my boss basically what I just said... In a nice, pleasant way... They suggest I'm not giving the problem enough thought...

FU#K YOU IGNORANT ASS! Write me a ToDo list in MS Access (no, I'm not going to tell you where to start) in under an hour then, MAYBE, we can talk about... No... Just NO... Can't be done!

*Takes deep breath* so... Lovely weather we're having, right?

!dev

FUUUU*K, I lost my wallet today with a ton of important cards inside.. F**K F**K F**K FML

Note of the day: A wallet is as important as a smartphone is!

F**k this. Exactly The same site is displaying differently. Only thing changed? On left access is by local IP, on right by URL using no-ip.

Apparently it grabs CSS from project on another port

Windows 10 updating, decides it would be cool to install gigabytes of sdk, edge, and other bloatware without asking first, on a metered connection i use for work.

Guys, between you there and those fanboy demons in cupertino, one wants to just shut it all off and return to monke.

Sidenote this, because all of this nonsense started on that crap called Windows 8, which was in the end caused to copy that Unholy crap (sold as gold) that is Apple's range of products. It's a company that sells designs nowadays, like Prada, to say, Jobs era is long gone. Everything related to Apple, Mac, Safari, Development, Gaming, UI/UX, productivity and whatever is a

f***ing Nightmare.

We alreay have a global plague, and Apple exists, we dont' need you too making another catastrophe.

All this said,
Use your goddamn trillions to create your own customizable environment that is stable, fast, and WITHOUT BULLSHIT.

I don't give a mindflying F**k of the blurs, i know how to place them with a shell, if i need those. I want control, the shit i decide is going to happen, to happen fast.
This is of Critical importance, because it defines my productivity. And considering we're all sealed indoors since 2019, i want to get away from my pc asap and live my life, instead of spending time(and money, in this moment of emergency) fixing your F**kfests, or else seeing my pc slowing down to death.

First: IF i want stuff on my pc, I know how to install something, thank you.

Second: You can take it, all your Useless - Bugged as Hell - Nonsensical - and of no practical use Bloatware, and shove it deep in your Backdoor.
I'll debloat my pc with batches again, and there's nothing you can do to stop me doing that at every update you force me into.

So please, stop wasting my time, and yours.

Any other IT company is like:

* Task -> Designer -> Markup coder -> Backend -> Finish

Our IT company:

Act I: "Art of setting up contact with idiots".
------
Items:
*Cave scripts (aka "typical task")

Designer: -- "DAFUQ?"
Customer: *gives another interpretation*
Designer: -- "Erm... really? White text on white background?"
Customer: -- "Make a decision by yourself. I was expecting much more independence from you. You are an expert after all."
Designer: -- "Well. I'm making decision by myself. The text will be placed *here* and will be gray-colored, because *bla-bla-bla*"
Customer: -- "I disagree."
Designer: *1 hour of silence later* -- "Well...k."

Act II: "Design meets ar(u)tist"
----

Items:
*Something, that was drawn by dumb kid while smashing his own head against desk. (PSD layout)
* Salt (to pour it on open wounds)

Designer: -- "I'm seeing this task *this way*"
Markup: -- "And how do u think i should get this done? Have you even seen what you made?? This is bullshit!"
Designer: -- "It's not bullshit! It's a sci-fi themed layout!"
Markup: -- "With gameplay elements and graphics from Alien Shooter??"
Designer: -- "Well, I don't care." *brings new edits and changes*
Markup: -- "????"
Designer: *smug face* -- "!!!"

Act III (7 days later, 9 hours till deadline): "Short story about boy, who was trying to hang himself, but instead fell out from window."
----

Items:
*Markup, smelling like it went through hell and back (x1)
* Markup coder with fried butt (x1)

Backend: -- "What. Is. THAT?"
Markup: -- "It's a work we should complete in 9 hours."
Backend: -- "WE?? I know u mean me, but that's a nightmare. What the f*ck were you doing all this time?"
Markup: -- "Well..." *finds out that he was only watching films and sleeping* "I was making this thing up..."
Backend: -- "You mean "f*cking" *this* thing "up"?"
Markup: -- "Not without it"

(*3 hours of edits and changes of color from white to white later*)
Backend: -- "Well, let's do this."
*Picks PHP and tries to bundle it up with MongoDB. After some time tries to rewrite everything to JS and starts shouting something like "F***CK" and looking for window to walk through. Figures out that he is on first floor. And that he is too lazy to go upstairs*

Act IV (3 days after deadline): "Pain and misery":
-----

Items:
*Something covered with insul(t)ating tape. (Final product)

Customer: -- "Really?"
Team: -- "Kinda."
Customer: -- "Well, thanks for your work anyway. It feels like it's going to disassemble right in my hands but it just works. Oh, also, you didnt made this in time, so your payment will be over9000 times lower. That's all"
Backend, on fluids: -- "Well...yeah..."
Markup: -- "Don't look at me like that. I really was doing my job."
Designer, with twitching eye: -- "Huh, I see. You worked so hard that we have nothing to eat now. Thanks for that."
Backend: ...

I know A.I can produce child in some way (ai can make another ai) But without f**k, the only job left for me is to become PornStar();

Been interested in trying Polymer for a while so gave it a try today, two hours later now and about to dropkick my laptop!

Followed the "this-looks-super-easy-guide" but that kinda turned into shit when it was time to run gulp!

How the f#*k can it be so hard to find information and get this to work!

Guess I'll just stick with my Android development and forget about this side project because it affects my mood in a bad f#*king way👹

Aaaaarrrrgggggggghhhhhhhh

F*%K

TEACHER: "DON'T MAKE THIS MISTAKE"

ALSO TEACHER: *DOES MISTAKE*

F*******************K

I hate Mondays. I hate Mondays even more if everything went wrong. F**k this day. Tomorrow is a new one.

DO NOT EXPORT GPG KEYS _TEMPORARILY_ AND ASSUME THAT THEY'LL BE IN THE ORIGINAL LOCATION AFTER EXPORT!

I learnt this lesson the hard way.

I had to use a GPG key from my personal keyring on a different machine ( that I control ). This was a temporary one-time operation so I thought I might be a smart-ass and do the decryption on the fly.

So, the idiotic me directly piped the output : `gpg --export-secret-key | scp ...`. Very cool ( at the time ). Everything worked as expected. I was happy. I went to bed.

In the morning, I had to use the same key on the original machine for the normal purpose I'd use it for and guess what greeted me? - *No secret key*

*me exclaims* : What the actual f**k?!

More than half a day of researching on the internet and various trials-and-errors ( I didn't even do any work for my employer ), I finally gave up trying to retrieve / recover the lost secret key that was never written to a file.

Well, to be fair, it was imported into a temporary keyring on the second machine, but that was deleted immediately after use. Because I *thought* that the original secret key was still in my original keyring.

More idiotic was the fact that I'd been completely ignorant of the option called `--list-secret-keys` even after using GPG for many years now. My test to confirm whether the key was still in place was `--list-keys` which even now lists the user ID. Alas, now without a secret key to do anything meaningful really.

Here I am, with my face in my hands, shaking my head and almost crying.

My love for you I can't describe it,
so I dont't even try and hide it.
Dev. you are my one true passion
you are always there to teach me a new lesson.
Some missing semicolon;
I have searched for you soo long.
Or was it a wrong indent,
ah f**k it was the missing increment.
Thinking through endless loops
in while, for and even do form,
just that my programs do a little better perform.
You give me the possibility to express myself as who I am and who I want to be,
in so many languages, from java, JS, GO, python and even C.
You give me bugs and issues that I track,
from motivation for you I never lack.
There are projects out there, where I contribute to
oh what a beauty are you.
And now you even bring fun into my life
with devrant, I now know how to survive.
How to survive client meetings and non devs around me,
oh how much stupidity I there see.
Let's exit this small programm of mine, this so called rime,
where I an immutable statement define:

I think about you even when we are not together,
My dearest DEV I will love you forever.

F**k companies who's apps use MySQL/MariaDB tables of the table engine MEMORY.

Seriously.

That engine *sucks* to work with as an admin. It's such a huge pain in the ass having to always dump the whole DB instead of taking a snapshot.

And if the replica restarts... Poof. Replication breaks. Cuz all the memory tables are suddenly empty!

Fml. Fmfl. Ugh.

*new message on LinkedIn from recruiter

Recruiter: would you be interested in a position on .Net ?

Me: I'm only interested in positions that offer flexible schedule (so I can continue my studies)

Recruiter: *proceeds to send me a long description of the job and company

Me: *read it. There is no information regarding the schedule anywhere. Search on Google the company and find out they have a fixed schedule 9-16. F**K!!, Why would you waste my time and yours, you don't even read my message or what ??

F**k Mobile Safari and all of its shit about overflow and scrolling.

Challenge: rank the following in your favourite order:

A: Stargate shows
B: Battlestar Galactica (and Caprica)
C: StarTrek
D: Westworld
E: Star wars
F: Doctor Who
G: Black mirror
H: X files
I: Matrix films
J: Babylon 5
K: Altered Carbon
L: The Arrival

And any other sci-fi shows/films I've missed

F U C K

Favourite thing you worked on recently?
——
I’m working on server monitoring system. I found that I need to pay for most server monitor services, and ones that are free/open source didn’t sound like they fit my use case (b/c the server i need to monitor is shared,) so I basically said “f*<k it I’ll do it myself.” I find it fun to work on something that I feel the need to make.

Hardware:
The Part of the computer that you can kick, slap, and do whatever the f**k you want..

Dear Prestashop developers, f**k YOU!

I already hate this shitfuck what you call the best open source e-commerce solution, but your module validation technique sucks.

They use tons of useless rules, but the last addition was the last drop: they force you to use the old (and long) array declaration.

So now I have 500 new errors in this fucking module.

Why the fuck do you want me to force an old syntax?

var this = that; //TODO: Go F**K your self !!!

"Hey mate, you should learn some zen coding you know."
"Ow that's one of your tricky bullshit"
"No man, look and learn!"
"OH FOR F***K SAKE! ARE YOU A WITCH?"

F@#!k my year,

After a year long Mobile app project finally shipped where I served **two lead roles (UX design and mobile dev)**; I had my status meeting with my manager to discuss my next phase of my career. To which I was told I would be promoted to Chief or partner level at my workplace, if shipped on time, which we did.

The response I got was unsettling, I've been asked to "step down" from my architect role and join our innovation sales team since it was discovered I also have an MBA. So much so my skip level manager cut off all my dev licenses week of release. 🤣

The overall need was for me to oversee H1B and contractor resources moving forward on new engagements, as I was now "too expensive". I like coding, but it doesn't sit well with me at all...

not dev.

HSBC rejected my request to have my credit card limit increased. I call to ask why and after 38 minutes of holding she comes back and says the system automatically rejected your request because of "poor account conduct" and "unusual activity.".....

w h a t t h e F U C K does that mean???

She was unhelpful in explaining what that meant, and I'm honestly baffled. I've always paid my cc balance in full every month, never went over my limit (in fact, utilisation was almost always below 30%), always had enough balance in my account to cover any Direct Debits, Standing Orders and other purchases (I don't even have overdraft), and my credit score is practically excellent.

Then she proceeds to say that I can try applying again in 3-6 months but she can't guarantee approval. HAH as if. They can suck it.

I moved away from Lloyd's bank because they were shit, and now this. Are all banks this shit?

I sent them a complaint and they said they'd get back to me in 5 working days... let's see.

I am an ancient beast called "Humturnal".
..half human..half nocturnal..

I answer life problem and code like a beast at night.
I wake up tired as f**k and I remember nothing in the morning.

I love doing what we do b/c we're always solving tough problems... But f@&k it sucks just before the right answer becomes clear! It always feels like it's impossible, until you're playing with your daughter and her Barbie dolls... Then it's a battle of not forgetting it....

Sucks when you are more excited about a project than anyone else!

F$#k it. Instead of doing it for the company I'll do it for myself as a side project!

Anyone interested in building an Alexa skill?

And now I was working on this button for the client's website. The button was all nice with white text over dark blue background.

Until the client happened!

and he was like...

Hey, just put the text in RED and change background colour to more lighter shades of red!

well...

WHAT THE F***K MAAN!?!?

How on Earth these guys survive? or probably others are the one's surviving them 😑

Today, I was thinking, "I haven't tried the new Edge Chromium version for so long. I should give it a try to see what's new have been added". So, I downloaded Edge and opened the EXE and Volla!
It says, You cannot use Microsoft Edge with an older version of Windows 10 (Mine is not that old btw).
I'm like, "F**k you Mircrosoft. You have ruined the OS so many times with your F**king updates. After trying so many things I finally disabled Windows 10's Force updates permanently. I don't wanna lose this freedom. No, Thank you..."
Bye bye microsoft Edge Chromium forever.

I almost everytime these days start counting from zero in real life and f**k up the calculations and recalculate and do the same mistake. I hate programming.

Happy programmers day

The days were going fine, the projects were going good. I was a happy man, until I decided to F**** use F**cking moth****er VISUAL F*ing STUDIO to do my computer vision projects, F*k*ing cannot even compile Hello world programme.
F*** you Microsoft f**ing fuc**ERS.

Phew... good to have it out of system. So guys any other suggestions in place of visual studio ?

Just got a new soldering iron set for xmas, courtesy of my uncle. I went to use it to hardmod a PS2. Good news: PS2 hardmodded for easy discswap and SwapMagic with original ejector. Bad news: the iron barely made it through that before oxidizing to unusability. Even after I properly wiped the tip off with a damp, clean rag before and during use, it still corroded to s**t in seconds once power was applied. (No, refiling and tinning didn't help. The solder layer oxidized too.)

Soldering irons rust to dust in my hands in seconds. Every time. Even when taken care of properly. f**k me...

Logs: Error on line number 152.
Me: Ok, let me check. F**k, this file has only 65 lines.

lesson learned...
never run yaourt -Syu --aur without checking the upgrade list.

reboot-> system doesn't boot -> F**k
reboot (runlevel 3)
discover that nvidia-beta and nvidia-utils mismatch version.
fix it editing pkgbuild of nvidia-beta to install lastest version.
reboot->everything works.

Results: succesfully wasted 25minutes.

I just learned the hard way not to recklessly daemonize stuff; I ran into a case where my Python script crashes Python itself.

The issue was that one of the query that “requests” package makes for OS was not fork safe, thus causing a segfault. Since Python drops dead as soon as it receives SIGSEGV, all I had was macOS crash log (which is oftentimes hard to decipher). I spent like good one hour before I found “faulthandler” package which enabled me to log the stack trace to stderr and see what the f*<k was going on.

I mean, I’ve seen quite a lot of occurrences of thread safety issues, but now it’s fork safety!?

Maybe I should be sticking to Docker or something unless the situation *really* requires me to daemonize something lol

So, it appears that when you have a disagreement about something with our new head of development, he puts you on a ‘shit’ list and the does everything he can to make you want to quit.

Tried to make out that your not integrating with the teams, excludes you from any discussion that you might have any opinions about, talks down to you and is generally two faced about everything he says.

Well f**k him.

For F^^k sake Microsoft give us some way to protect .net code from easy reflection / decompilation ..... Obfuscation just doesn't cut it.

Hi. i am your new JavaScript Plugin. i use an obsolesce function and i will f**k up your whole day.

i see all this little kids making this discoveries getting money and securing job positions in big companies and building this famous app like the clasic "flappy bird" and I wonder.. how the f//k are they doing all this.. then i discover their is udacity.com, apps from solo learn that teaches you everything! and all source of shit.. so my question is.. why TF am i paying for college?!?!?!!!

Dev programming something

Code reviewer: Change x, change y change a to b

Dev: okay ( I don't give a f**k, just merge my code)

Dev made changes...

Code reviewer: why did you placed b instead of a, can you revert back x...

Dev: F**k u!!

Have u guys experienced this??

(I am not a native english speaker so please excuse any mistakes I make while writing this)

I know, during an internship, its good to see all different sides of the job and of course QA is one of them. Its definately good to know as a dev later how QA works, I can see that. But why the F U C K do I have to test the same 3 pages (not websites, PAGES) since 5 days for 8 hours a day even though NOTHING CHANGES?! The page doesn't get updated, I am just sitting there clicking around and wasting my time I could use to learn more PHP or jQuery or WTFEver. But no! I have to sit there for hours and hours, doing nothing but staring at a page where I already tested literally anything that can be tested 4 days ago. If you don't have a good task for me over there in QA, then STOP WASTING MY FUCKING TIME instead of forcing me to continue testing this stupid website even though testing already completed a few days ago!!! I don't even have Test Cases to follow, its just “yea look at this page and click around is something is broken“ for 5 days. There is nothing broken, your fucking website works fine. And now STOP WASTING MY TIME!!!!

I had a pretty good year! I've gone from being a totally unknown passionate web dev to a respected full stack dev. This will be a bit lengthy rant...
Best:
- Got my first full time employment dev role at a company after being self-taught for 8+ years at the start of the year. Finally got someone to take the risk of hiring someone who's "untested" and only done small and odd jobs professionally. This kickstarted my career, super grateful for that!
- Started my own programming consulting company.
- Gained enough confidence to apply to other jobs, snatched a few consulting jobs, nailed the interviews even though I never practiced any leet code.
- Currently work as a 99% remote dev (only meet up in person during the initialization of some projects.) I never thought working remotely could actually work this well. I am able to stay productive and actually focus on the work instead of living up to the 9-5 standard. If I want to go for a walk to think I can do that, I can be as social and asocial as I want. I like to sleep in and work during the night with a cup of tea in the dark and it's not an issue! I really like the freedom and I feel like I've never been more productive.
- Ended up with very happy customers and now got a steady amount of jobs rolling in and contracts are being extended.
- I learned a lot, specialized in graph databases, no more db modelling hell. Loving it!
- Got a job where I can use my favorite tools and actually create something from scratch which includes a lot of different fields. I am really happy I can use all my skills and learn new things along the way, like data analysis, databricks, hadoop, data ingesting, centralised auth like promerium and centralised logging.
- I also learned how important softskills are, I've learned to understand my clients needs and how to both communicate both as a developer and an entrepeneur.
Worst:
- First job had a manager which just gave me the specifications solo project and didn't check in or meet me for 8 weeks with vague specifications. Turns out the manager was super biased on how to write code and wanted to micromanage every aspect while still being totally absent. They got mad that I had used AJAX for requests as that was a "waste of time".
- I learned the harsh reality of working as a contractor in the US from a foreign country. Worked on an "indefinite" contract, suddenly got a 2 day notification to sum up my work (not related to my performance) after being there for 7+ months.
- I really don't like the current industry standard when it comes to developing websites (I mostly work in node.js), I like working with static websites (with static website generators like what the Svelte.js driver) and use a REST API for dynamic content. When working on the backend there's a library for everything and I've wasted so many hours this year to fix bugs and create workarounds related to dependencies. You need to dive into a rabbit hole for every tool and do something which may work or break something later. I've had so many issues with CICD and deployment to the cloud. There's a library for everything but there's so many that it's impossible to learn about the edge cases of everything. Doesn't help that everything is abstracted away, which works 90% of the time but I use 15 times the time to debug things when a bug appears. I work against a black box which may or may not have an up to date documentation and it's so complex that it will require you to yell incantations from the F#$K
era and sacrifice a goat for it to work properly.
- Learned that a lot of companies call their complex services "microservices". Ah yes, the microservice with 20 endpoints which all do completely unrelated tasks?

Working on an epic of financial gateway transfer. Following what our douche onshore guy had proposed, we realized there was a can of worms ahead.

Discussing the flow ( aka which service calls which, which file calls which ) with him over the call, we had to literally remind him the entire script of flow he had proposed.

At the end, he says, set up a call right now to discuss the ALGORITHM.

And at that moment, CLRS laughed their asses off.

Why the f--k, to coercely sound technical, does he say ALGORITHM to a FLOW of modular components ?

Rarely do I find well-organized code written by researchers. Well, it runs, so reproduction is possible, but when it comes to actually change something in the code, it's as messy as it can get.
And THEN, I look into the paper so that, hopefully, I can make sense of what is going on. Turns out, the documentation on the paper is also poor.
F*<k. My. Life.

That moment I saw a yeti factories intro with rasterbars on the commodore 64 at my cousins house, I knew I need to know how the f**k this was done! I was 10y old 😁

Today i got so fucking depressed and discouraged because whenever i tell people "i am a software engineer" or "programmer" especially fking girls they just fuckin leave. They dump you. Imagine seeing someone with both ur eyes, both of ur shits seeing someone go from high interest and then watch their interest drop

D
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F
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All the fckin way back to 0 if not even below that.... How the fuck am i fuvjin g supposed to fking feel. What am i supposed to think. This is such a fucking bullshit. I am fking wordless.

Hhhhhhhhh

Each time this shit happens i question myself if i should regret wanting to be a software developer or not

F**k windows update! Now I lose everything I have working on

As if I fucking care if you have to add another parameter to my function call. Just because you think it's easier, does not mean its more usefull.

It's inconsistent as F U C K
You code IS spaghetti code. Your logic is closer a maze on a fucking one way street and I don't fucking care if it works. It's a pain

!basicNonHarmfulExploitTest

A

B

C

D

E

F

G

H

I

J

K

L

M

N

O

P

Q

R

S

Lets see If I can mess up the character cutoff limit 😜

Thanks Windows 10 April update:
i'm not even mad for using my network on high priority when you were downloading the update or taking 1 freaking hour of my working time to finish the updates just to add spam to my lockscreen and an uglier task view but if you could please at least not f**k up all my Wifi, bluetooth and video driver it would be great!
Still having problem with bluetooth connection and i re-installed drivers several times!

So the cocks* where i work have recently started a policy where sleep mode is no longer a good idea anymore. This is so that they can push gpupdates everyday, i.e bogus corporate propaganda such as changing our desktop wallpaper. Like developers give a fly f* about corporate events and wtf marketing actually do with their time. Filled with noisey ass b*.

I wouldn't be half surprised if the policy is enacted by the head of IT. C* refuses to teach any one on his team so this way he looks important and busy all of the time.

if(
bathroomrenovation &&
startdate < now() - 4 weeks &&
!showerisfitted
){
do {
print ("Where the f**k is my f**king shower!");
} while (delay);
}

New Year Resolution:

Keep my files organised. Thinkpad laughed at me saying how about finishing last year's resolution of keeping your Desktop organised.

Me: F**K it

when the code works: that's f**king easy
when the code doesn't work: what the f**k is going on, you dirty piece of sh*t, you f**king computer, sh**y compiler.

oh, dear! I missed a semicolon

Yeaah, finally I found and fixed the bug.

After sometime-

"f**k, I introduced so many bugs as of before"

I used to like Richard until he said he likes Emacs more than Vim. What the f**k mahn, Luke seriously?

My wife took my kid to a family trip abroad, and I can't push myself to do OSS or any code.

F**k

Disturb helps to f**k the code back!

that moment when you spend 3 days searching resources for creating CMS with php from scratch and you suddenly remember java spring on devrant
f**k f**k f**king f**k

Why the f**k youtube keeps showing me TOTALLY WHITE youtube premium ad in my dark mode?

Do I need to buy premium just for this shit?

f**K Gmeet, f**k it

So I stashed my changes to switch branches and quickly fix a f**k up, then I switched back and went to 'pop' the stash.... only I didn't click 'pop' I clicked...'delete' and GitKraken or ShitKraken as it should be called, didn't ask for confirmation... it just deleted all my changes. FML

Business: The feature is not as aspected.
Dev: This is what you asked for.
Business: I ask for something else.
Dev: Please refer to the documentation.
Business: F**k with document.
Dev: You only the documentation.