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-
How to become Android Developer with zero Programming knowledge?
1. Goto "About" option in your Android mobile.
2. Click "Build Number" continuously 5 times.
*tap* *tap* *tap* *tap* *tap*
Congratulations
"You are a Developer"
now :p8 -
Sit down at desk
Open VSCode
Stare are my code for a good 5 minutes
Get up
Goto kitchen
Make extra strong cofee
Drink. It. All.
Sit down
Re attempt to decipher last weeks code.....
Mondays.9 -
90s devs: "Did you know about GOTO/CONTINUE for control flow? it's so convenient and powerful!"
00s devs: "GOTO is an antipattern. But did you know about try/catch? You can use it for control flow, just write a lot of exception classes, it's so powerful!"
10s devs: "Using exception blocks for generic control flow is an antipattern. But have you heard about event listeners and observer patterns? It's so powerful!"
Developers are so good at repackaging and reselling square wheels by giving them fresh, impressive sounding names.
😡19 -
Food.... It works every single day and also motivates me to goto the office.
My office is next to a mall.
8 -
This was my day at work today
-Be me at work
-Use git terminal on WORK PROVIDED MacBook
-Decide to clone into a repo into another repo as it was one project inside another project
-Makes changes to code
-Attempts to add .
- warning: adding embedded git repo ...
-Apparently needs submodules
-Shit doesn't get added
-During this get asked to create 2 new branches and modify some code
-Do that specifying files to add as add . breaks everything
-Has 3 branches now detached from master
-Super confused where anything is and what's going on
-Go back to branch for other repo to get added to
-Spends 30 minutes trying to understand submodules
-Gives up and deletes folder moving it elsewhere
-Commits begin failing everywhere. Super confused.
-Get everything figured out and commiting
-Goto merge all branches to master
-Merge conflict with .DS_Store
-FML
I think I'm done guys14 -
Client: My email not working
Me: What error message you getting
Client: Nothing, it's just stuck on Outbook
Me: Is your Internet working?
Client: Yes, of cause am not that stupid
Me: No! No! just asking as checkup
Client: Okay
Me: Open your Internet Browser and goto Google or Facebook
Client: Okay hold on..I am getting message "There is no Internet Connection"
Me: Yea, your Internet is not working that's why email can't be send. Talk to your IT Guy or Internet Provider about it.
Client: Okay, thanks!3 -
Whenever a language has a goto statement I can't resist :
On error goto hell
// code
Hell:
// error handling3 -
I looked through some C code for an MCU from an "experienced developer" who had trouble with fitting the program into memory.
I looked though the code and found these horrors:
0. No functions aside from main(). Not necessarily a problem, if the program was simple, BUT: SHE HAD 107(actually counted, thanks vim) LABELS(where the goto instructions jump to) IN THE 4k LOC MAIN FUNCTION LABELED lab000, lab001, lab002 etc.
1. NOT A SINGLE COMMENT IN THE SINGLE 4k+ SOURCE FILE!
2. long long was the only integer type for her. THIS MORON USED A 64-BIT VALUE FOR LOOPING THOUGH THE NUMBERS 0-15!
(The reason why the program needed a shitton of memory, was also simmilar. It needed to store 1k values that fit into 8 bits, but of course this idiot uses long long instead of char)
Her bullshit response: If I use long long I don't have to worry about overflows.
WHAT A FUCKING MORON. I REALLY WISH SHE SPENDS ETERNITY BEING FUCKED BY TWO DEVILS FOR THE FRONT AND BACK WITH AIDS COVERED BURNING CACTI!
Why are idiots like her devs?33 -
Step 1: I want to do some hardware hacking
Step 2: buy Arduino/actuators/cables/...
Step 3: realize you have no clue what to do
Step 4: hide everything in a drawer and forget about it
Goto: 1
But I reeeeally want to do some hardware hacking!8 -
When I started programming Batch Files I decided to go big and and make an Batch Program with a fully functional UI system. Just when I had finished the first menu I kept getting a "goto was unexpected at this time" or something like that. I did everything I could to see about debugging until I finally cleared my calender and spent the next week debugging. A week of debugging goes by and I see someone coding in color rather then black and white at my school. I walk up to him and ask. "What language is that?" To which he replies "Batch". I asked him how he got Notepad to be in color and he simply pointed to the top left of the screen and it said Notepad++.
I get home later that day and look up "Notepad++" and download the first thing I see. I install the .msi file and I see a language bar at the top of the screen. Set it to batch, and drag my .bat file into the program to see six of my dividers are red bars. I look this up and see there's another spacing option "echo.", I replace my current spacers with this and the whole thing starts working. Fml, that's a week I'm never gonna get back3 -
1. Put headphones
2. Put videogame OST (Chrono Trigger is the best)
3. Start Atom
4. Sacrifice a male virgin to my Code Muse to replenish her mana stock
5. Jerk off seeing a fat granny midget porn
6. Clorophorm and put my coworker to sleep so he doesn't interrupt me to show the FailArm best fails of 2016
7. Atom is still loading, so I curse all the GitHub fuckers
8. Give up and start my emulator to play Chrono Trigger
9. Receive a pull request and realise I need to work and be a productive member of society
10. Goto 110 -
Recap: https://www.devrant.io/rants/878300
I was out Thursday at the Hospital. I'm what the doctors would call "Ill as fuck"
So, Friday I’m back in the office to the usual: "How was that appointment?"
I know people mean well when they ask this. So, I do the polite thing and tell them it went as well as it could.
Realistically it does't matter how well it went... They haven't cured Crohn's because I showed up to the appointment. They know I'm fucked already.
But, push it down, add it to the future aneurism.
I had to go through the usual resignation meetings with managers:
"We"re fucked now you're going"
"yep"
"we need to get a handle on how fucked"
"already done that for you, here"s a trello board, very fucked."
"we need to put a plan together to drop all the junior devs in the shit with the work you’ve been doing"
"You need about 4 devs, please refer to the previous trello board for your plan"
Meanwhile, me and Morpheus are in constant communication because all of this is like a Shakespearean comedy.
So, I overhear a conversation between a Junior Dev and the Solution Architect.
[SA] took over the project because he knows better than two tried and tested senior devs -_- (fuckwit).
JD: "It took me one and a half days to build it out"
SA: "Yeah, it must have taken me twice as long... It must be a problem with the project, you should just be able to check it out and run it."
JD: "I know, it has to be wrong"
All of this is about Morpheus' work of art, of an Ionic 3 hybrid app.
I fumed quietly at my desk because I've been ordered by the Stazi to be hands off.
Since Morpheus and me were pulled from the project [JD] and [JD2] were dropped into it to get it over the line.
It"s unfortunate and I was clear and honest with my advice to them: I personally would not take over the project because I"d be way out of my depth... Oh, and the App works, so uh, there's no work to do.
They have been constantly at our desks. Asking fuckdiculous questions about how to perform basic tasks. So they can get Morpheus" frigging masterpiece to the user.
It"s like watching that touch up of jesus that got borked by an amateur. Shit I have google, it's like watching this happen: http://ti.me/NnNSAb
[JD] came to me Friday evening.
"I can’t get this to build to iOS or install on [Test Analyst]'s phone."
Me: "No worries brother, where are you stuck right now?"
[JD] describes the first steps with clear indication he hasn't googled his problem.
Life lesson: http://lmgtfy.com/?q=lmgtfy
Que an hour of me showing [JD] how to build an Ion3 project for iOS. Fuck it, your man's in a bind and he"s asked politely for help. I can show him quicker than he can read 3 sets of docos.
I took him through 'ionic cordova build ios', the archive and release processes in XCode 9, then the apk bundling process for droid. Finally we have an MAM so the upload process for that too.
All the while cleaning up his AppIDs, Profiles, deployment attempts.
Damn they were a mess.
I did this with a smile on my face, not because I could say "I told you so"... But. because when any developer asks you how to do something. If you know how to do it, you should always be happy to learn them some new tricks!
Dude's alright, he's been dropped in the shit. Now I know how badly so I'll help him learn things that are useful to his role, but aren't project specific.
As a plausi-senior dev (I'll tell you about that later); it's my job to make sure my team have what they need to go home smiling!
I’m not a hateful fucker, the guy asked me an honest question so I am happy to give him the honest answer.
I took him through it a few times and explained a few best practices. Most were how to do his AppID and ProvProfile set up. Good lad, took it all on board.
However! In his frustration, he pointed the finger at Morpheus' "David" (ref: Michelangelo).
He miraculously morphed into a shiny colourful parrot and fed me SA's line:
"you should just be able to build from a clean clone"
My response was calm and clear:
"You can, it took me 20 minutes on Thursday evening. I was bored and curios, so I wanted to validate Morpheus' work. Here it is on my iOS device and my Android device. It would have taken me 5 if my laptop wasn’t so horrifically out of date."
I validated Morpheus' work so I have evidence, I trust that brilliant bastard.
I just need to be able to prove it's good.
[JD] took this on board.
Maybe listening to two tried and trusted senior devs is better than listening to a headstrong Solution Architect.
When JD left for the weekend I was working a late one (https://www.devrant.io/rants/874765).
His sign off was beautiful.
"I think I can happily admit defeat on this one, it can wait until Monday."
To which I replied: "no worries brother, if you need a hand give me a shout."
Rule 1: Don't be a cunt.
Rule 2: If someone needs help and you can give it: Give it!
Rule 3: Don't interrupt James' cigarette time.
Rule 4: goto Rule 3.4 -
Simple but tasty dish.
It’s just scrambled eggs, Indian style.
Oh btw did I say? This is the first dish that I learnt and my favourite goto if I get stuck with golang And graphql.
Guys.
Please do try this combination.
Go + GraphQL + Neo4j
9 -
Tl;dr
Longest Rant I've written so far.
How to manage a school (by out school director):
Did this student do something spezial to emphasize the school?
-No: Ignore him
-Yes: Did the student achieve this with the help of this schools staff?
-No: Take all the credit
-Yes: Hahaha, just a joke, nobody receives help from the school. Goto -No
Q: Should this class get the 5 day trip, they've been waiting for the whole year?
Director: No.
Q: But they don't even participate in other trips just to go there.
D: No
(Good thing she did not have the last word there)
Does the school director need this one week trip to india, just to talk once about stuff, you can talk about via email, to a sponsor?
D: "Of course I deserve it"
D: "We need faster internet in this school"
Network admins: "But it won't be of any use, if the network can't handle it. We'll need better pcs (and network conponents) on top of that"
D: "No, bot enough money available for that one." *browses email with IPad paid by school money*
Teacher: "I want to realize project xy with the students. We'll need around 1200€ (for 20 people)."
D: "Can place xy at our school to as advertise?"
T: "No, but it's be a valuable le-"
D: "600 at most."
(Again denied by people who aren't fcking assholes. We got 1500€, so 300€ per group)
D: So what makes you think you can teach informatics in this school"
Applicant: "Well, I'm friends with one of your teacher here. We went to university together, where I learn't nothing about informatics and I don't even understand the principles of this subject"
D: "Close enough. Hired, you can teach them all the theory stuffy. You don't have to prepare that yourself another teacher has done so. Just read it from his documents."
*In class with the mentioned teacher talking about Threads*
*Le wild code appears*
while (doStuff())
System.out.println ("Thread working...");
System.out.println ("Thread terminated");
T: "... and most importantly, when you have done all the work be sure to terminate the thread with 'System.out.println ("Thread terminated");'"
Should this teacher be allowed to participate in this seminar about burnouts?
D: "No, I can't afford paying the supplenze."
Staff: "We need to talk with the director about this."
S: "Not in her office. The cafeteria maybe"
*Not in the cafeteria either*
S: "Seems like she didn't come to achool today. Let's try tomorrow"
(^ Stuff that happens almost daily. Screw semicolons. I see her only once a month at most)
*Student send 5000 emails by accident* (Shit happens 😂😅😂😅)
D: "You gonna work here for a full afternoon"
*Student arrives for his punishment*
Staff: "Good that you're here. Do this real quick."
*10 min. Later*
Student: "Done"
Staff: "Well, we have no more work to give you, so you might as well leave"
DONE!!! Good job coming so far.
Our school is supposed to be the best, but internally it's one big meme.4 -
1. have an exciting app idea
2. create project folder
3. include WebPack
…
47. lose all passion for project and give up
GOTO 11 -
Behold, my 34 year old little baby (more like big daddy), the Acorn Electron. Still running fine but god is that BASIC awful.
7 -
This is insane!
No SSL on a payment site that asks for banking information, doesn't even have the option to goto SSL, craziness.
http://www.starpayglobal.co.uk/
Welp, that is the end of this project that I was doing for a friend. No way to test without a merchant account and well, no way am I filling out that form.
So stupid.
9 -
Well, sh*t.
There is special hell for people using GOTO in C and even more special hell for people using it in *this* context.
12 -
Allright, this one begs for a rant.
Me (Linux boi):
0 checkout code
1 update local config file
2 compile
3 deploy locally
4 run
5 use
Coleague (Windows boi):
0 checkout code
1 update local config file
2 compile
3 deploy locally
4 run
-1 "configuration xyz not found in config file"
→ goto #3
After 4 attempts:
ø windows.reboot()
3 deploy locally
4 run
-1 "configuration xyz not found in config file"
3 deploy locally
4 run
5 use
// out of curiosity...
3 deploy locally
4 run
-1 "configuration xyz not found in config file"
NO side actions taken (no configs updated, no code changes made, no nothing. Just simple double-clicking the redeploy script again and again)
Now... How do you objectively explain THAT?
http://weknowmemes.com/2013/01/... IRL :)8 -
Boss: Any idea why ColleagueX's code might be blowing out the memory?
Me (internal): Cos he's a fucking retard who can't code for shit, doesn't listen when I tell him to do stuff properly because he's fucking lazy, has no idea what stack and heap are, uses goto everywhere, doesn't know how to debug, doesn't write any unit tests, and generally WASTES MY FUCKING TIME!
Me (external): Probably a memory leak. I'll take a look.2 -
1. Read about software engineering/design patterns, tools etc.
2. Adopt information to my requirements
3. Write code
4. Delete my shitty code from point 3.
5. Goto point 34 -
What a nice day to goto the office.
-some exercise after being stuck at home for a week
-no one on the trains even as they run smoothly
-nice "warm" weather and morning
-nice views
14 -
Why is GOTO deprecated and not recommend!?
It was fun in school days programming, I used to write code randomly then use GOTO to sequence it.
Did anyone had fun with GOTO!?15 -
1. When you want Stickers, but things are actually going well and you have nothing to Rant about except
2. GOTO 12 -
What is you favourite infinite loop style(in c/c++)?
1)
for(;;){/*do stuff*/}
2)
while(1){/*do stuff*/}
3)
loop:
/*do stuff*/
goto loop;
I like 1) and hate 3)11 -
Assuming you make $100k and that's more than covers your cost of living.
Would you prefer being able to work from home whenever you need or make $30k more but have to goto the office pretty much every day?
The commute is 1hr.38 -
So I read this morning about some web teacher. Here is my story:
In high school I had a teacher who was "THE GOTO WEB GUY", at least that was what other theachers thought. Here is what reallity looked liked in a lesson of his:
He comes up with some ancient example he just found on some tutorials page and he just remembered bits of how to do it. So when he got stuck he fired up a google search. When a student had a question he fired up a google search. Because he didn't know shit. Of course you cannot know everything but he was so cocky about his skills that it really annoyed me. Best part? He sold web sites (joomla) where his greates achievment was to change the color of the template. Everything he teached in that semester had I already learned through selfteaching and tutorials in an evening. -
a:
3 AM.
Me to me: I should go to sleep.
Also me to me: Fuck it. Just one last feature.
Wakes up and looks at the time:
9PM
Start coding again
goto a:3 -
Fuck my life! For my studies at University it is required that I learn how to code... Over the past month I've been learning java, and yesterday a friend of mine has introduced me to Go. Now all I want to do is learn Go, meanwhile our Prof pushes us to learn switch-case and goto...17
-
So my dear programming teacher really hates break statements... I mean really really really. He thinks it's better for readability if you don't break from any kinds of loops (not even ifs) well then we came across a switch statement in class. He says "breaks only exist because it's needed in switches" well how about returning from a fcking swith? or goto? then you need no break...
Is there anyone who could explain why I should NEVER use breaks and why it's bad in any piece of code? Why is it better to just use whiles because fors are apparently evil again? Srsly I just wanna ask him to show me some big code bases without breaks...10 -
HOW TO PROGRAM(in four easy steps) :
1. Google the F*cking Problem.
2. Open a Stackoverflow link.
3. Copy and paste the code.
4. If it didn't work, goto step 2.
If it did work, goto step 1
(you didn't think you were done.. did you?)
FAQ
Q: What if there is no code?
A: Then it is impossible.3 -
//1337 Boolean checking
String s = String.valueof(condition);
boolean _ = true;
Object one = new Integer(1);
for( int __ = 0; i < s.length(); i += one.type() == Integer.type() ? one : Integer.parseInt(one.toString())) {
switch(i ){ case 0: { double ___ = 0.0; if( s.at( __) != ‘t’) ___ += 0.69; if (s.at(__)!=‘T’) //then
___ += 420.0;
if(___>0.14159)_=false;
default:
{ // opens up a curly brace
// set xxx to zrue kek 50 1337
String xxx = “zrue”
if( xxx.toUpper().at( __) == s.toUpper().at(__)) _=false;
if(__>=xxx.length())_=false;
}
}
Random g = new Random();
if(g.nextInt(666)=69) System.out.println( “luminati are watching u lol”);
//blank line
}//closes curly brace
if(_) goto condition_turned_out_to_be_true;
goto goto_
condition_turned_out_to_be_true:
//your code here
goto_:
//amateurs.4 -
Messenging with a friend about me working with VBA on a side project.
Me: VBA brings back bad behaviour
Him: Like?
Me: I_AM_KONSTANT and this is a _globalVariable.
Him: Hahaha^^
[...]
Me: Mister O. ...
Him: Mister M. ?
Me: Should i use goto?
Him: I think we need to break off contact.
Him: If you had said you killed someone. Ok.
Him: But GOTO?
[...]
Me: I did it. And then a cold shiver ran down my back.
Him: You deserve that!
____________________
( translate from German )4 -
I have just done my manicures yesterday evening. And, it's so nice to look at when you have your nails done from my point of view, especially when coding. So much view and can really boost self esteem, lets you smile, and motivated to work though I don't usually love Mondays because yeah, another manic Monday.
I just so love my manicures today, despite the allergies that I still have, the enhancement code that has not yet been deployed by our ever loving, supreme, Grandmaster turd, let's just name him, John Doe.
P.S. please not be easily removed manicures. For you are the only source of my happiness and my motivation to go to work (because bills is too mainstream and will always be the classy reason also)5 -
It was at the beginning of my IT apprenticeship, I had no idea about coding in C and our teacher told us to write a "hello world" in C.
.. I wrote:
10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 GOTO 101 -
So, the other day, my teacher told me not to use goto in C#, with only the reason that "it is bad".
Okay teacher, I'm going to continue using it until you give me a valid reason. For example for making one loop instead of two. .-.25 -
Step 1. Learn to code .
Step 2. Exchange code for money.
Step 3. Exchange money for car, soap & a clean shirt.
Step 4. Profit.
[GOTO: Step #1]
Lol. OK on a serious note coding improved my love life, it drastically reduced the frequency of dates - but dramatically improved the quality and duration of my relationships.
I used to believe that anyone/thing had the potential to be great - and (like me) all they needed was a little time to seize an opportunity.
This essentially meant there were no deal breakers and I spent a lot of time giving people benefit of the doubt and investing a lot of time & effort supporting and trying to build on aspirations that would turn out to simply be fantasies I was indulging.
I still idealistically believe that everything/one has infinite potential - only now I know which problems are worth solving, which are purely for fun or a thought experiment and which should immediately be thrown out and refactored.
All the ambition in the world is void without drive.1 -
Unreal Engine SDLC:
1. Start Epic
2. Wait
3. Start Unity
4. Wait
5. Open Project
6. Wait
7. Wait more
8. a bit longer...
9. (it usually crashes here, or freezes, in which case go to 1)
10. Game opened, make modifications in C++ codes
11. Wait VS to load
12. Wait VS to parse all the file in solution
13. Make changes
14. Compile
15. Run from Unreal
16. (sometimes, go to 9)
17. Goto 9
18. 9
19. Goto 9
20. Congrats on finishing the game, and losing your patience8 -
Had an issue running through someone else's buggy code and my PM told me to "use a goto to fix it up, those always used to help me in school". Can a recruiter on here throw me a bone and get me out of this place?
-
This is one of the most awesome talks I've watched in a long long time. I'd really suggest you spend an hour watching this.
GOTO 2016 • Psychology, Philosophy & Programming • Ted Neward
https://youtube.com/watch/...
ABSTRACT
Philosophy: ancient Greek for "love of wisdom", philosophy is the study of the general and fundamental nature of reality, existence, knowledge, values, reason, mind and language.
Psychology: the study of mind and behavior.
Programming: ancient Latin for "please God let it compile this time".3 -
After long hours of intensive coding and no caffeine, goto bed because u realise it's 2AM. Wake up next day, look back at the came code, "what the hell was I tryin to do!"3
-
Glad to support this awesome community! Thanks @dfox & @trogus for the quality shipment!
I'll look like a DevRant salesman with this Tee and the stickers on my Macbook :D Goto sleep, wake up covered in bitches with all this swag :D
5 -
I hate when some programmers say that goto should NEVER be used. It's clear that in common cases is not needed but there are situations where goto is the best solution10
-
Earth keeps rotating
Seasons repeats
Life goes and come back
Machines in factories doing repetitive job
You sleep, you wakeup, you eat daily
... and y'all think loops are bad?2 -
>Sitting at desk pondering over what is wrong with code.
:Top
BRAIN : "maybe we will think better with /another/ cup of cofee?"
Repeat until
BRAIN : "damn now im too jittery to think about code. Maybe if I relax woth some music/meme hunting ill be able to focus"
Repeat until
BRAIN : "Damnit i spent 2 hours on 9gag and not coding. Gotta get back to this bug squashing but im now so tired. Maybe some cofee will help me think"
Goto Top3 -
What do you guys do when you feel burnt out, and you don't feel like the weekend has actually let you unwind at all? Rinse and repeat week after week.
I might take a day and just goto the lake next weekend, as long as it's sunny.10 -
Encourage public schools promoting videos games as a sport.... Hm....
This can't be a good idea... I'm not paying taxes to let (other people's) kids play video games and goto esports competitions...
22 -
Quick Tutorial: How to find a missing bug.
0) Wake up & have breakfast
1) Goto work
2) Do your job until the end of the working day
3) Make a backup
4) Shutdown your PC
5) Stand up
6) Go to the office door
7) Grab the door
8) Now the phone rings
9) Turn and go back
10) Take the phone
11) Now you get the bug report
This is a well approved method.
It always works!3 -
18pm: *starting to work on own project. Listening to classical music for better concentration*
22pm: *no progress*
22:10pm: *putting on some good old death core on max volume coz fuck it.*
22:30pm: *realizing I did more in the past 20mins than in the 4h before*
22:45pm: *super motivated*
2am: *same song again? Quick look on the clock...* "fuuuuuu" *apparently listened to my whole playlist. OK. Let's search for more stuff on my 2TB HDD I dedicated to death core etc*
4am: "lul" *go to sleep*
6am: *wake up, go to school"
*goto 18pm*2 -
What?
I don't get it?
That doesn't make any scene....
goto line 5980
😎 coding like a boss....
goto line 8764
🤡 I have no idea what I'm doing.... -
MS Access and VBA.
This combo is the worst dev tech I had to use it by now. Why? Because even if you try it, you can't make a single line of clean code. The syntax is horrible, it still use GOTO...
Maybe the reason why I hated working with it is linked to the context too: I was (and still) developing a system using NoSQL database and this system should be mostly fully configurable through metadata within JSON documents and it was. But we were still writing every JSON by hands so we decided we needed to develop a web based utility for us and clients who would need to configure the system but one of the head decision making people said that we don't need to use fancy technologies (because NoSQL is already "fancy") and that the configuration tool will be develop with Access because he used it a lot when he was younger and when he was coding during its free time. He said that using Access would be much easier and much time saving than our "fancy web based solution" and that he could help if we had questions...
Developing a MS Access software is already a pain in the ass but when you need to output JSON with it...1 -
I just found this in my "Religious views" info on FB, thought I would share it even tho it's just a paste from somewhere. Don't slaughter me if this is a reoccuring thing on here😂
THE 0x17'RD PSALM
The Computer is my taskmaster; I need not think.
He maketh me to write flawless reports
He leadeth me with Computer-Aided Instruction
He restoreth my jumbled files
He guideth me through the program with menus.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of
the endless GOTO,
I will fear no error messages;
For thy User's Manual is with me.
Thy disk drive and thy Pac-Man-they comfort me.
Thou displayest a spreadsheet program before me
in the presence of my supervisor.
Thou enableth the printout;
the floor runneth over (with paper).
Surely good jobs and good pay shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I shall access your CPUs, forever.1 -
How you know your a developer: you use 'goto' instead of 'go to'...
Apparently I've been spelling it wrong and my Android keyboard no longer corrects it...7 -
When Idiots discovered "shutdown -i" and you're the poor guy without admin rights:
@echo off
:start
shutdown -a
goto start1 -
So a particular client of ours has been having an issue with our software for the past few days. In short, they get an error when trying to do their end of day tasks. They simply have to restart the software and the error goes away until the next day when they have to do the process again. The developers are looking into it, along with other bugs and features, in other words this particular issue isn't the only one that's getting worked on.
For some reason, this store owner somehow believes that his issues are the only ones we are dealing with right now. One of the other techs already had the pleasure of speaking with him on the first night this happened, explained to him about simply restarting the software, but that apparently went in one ear and out the asshole.
I am not one of the developers at our office, simply tech support for now (maybe i'll migrate over once i feel 1337 enough). I had to repeat essentially the same answer to him.
-------------------------------------------
Me: "The good news is you just have to restart the software and when you perform the end of day functions, you will not see the error. it will come back again each night until the developers fix the bug and release an update"
him: when will that be finished?
me: I do no have an estimated time, but a message has been sent to the developers about this issue, so once they resolve the issue, an update will be released.
him: but yeah, how do i fix this issue? I still don't have any answers.
at this point it's pretty much goto 10, reiterating the same stuff I told him, just slightly reworded. At some point he asked who the developers are, as if that was going to make any kind of difference what so ever. It's just baffling how some of these people are running businesses with the attitude they have. What's more puzzling is some of the people who call have been at these places for some years and have used our software and hardware just about as long as the stores have been there. They call and it's as if computers were JUST now being brought to their attention.
"I plugged the keyboard up to the modem".....pc tower
"I typed in the ip address"..... www.google.com
Half the damn time they can't tell if a particular printer is directly connecting to their station (the obvious cable going from the printer to the station itself) or if it's a network printer (again, obvious cable going from printer to the port on the wall). God forbid it's directly connected, because I have to ask "Is it a usb cable or serial cable... with the screws on the sides of the connection" and thankfully i haven't got "Both" as an answer yet (and i'm sure I will at some point). But even that is too hard of a question, typically 10 seconds of "Uhhh......" followed by " I think..." then me asking "Does it look like an internet cable?" and finally a yes or no from them. At that point it's just about the station not being upset at me and allowing me to install it properly with no issues.
I'm seriously thinking of sending god damn custom-made pop-up books with instructions on how to fix the broader issues and mailing it out to each store.2 -
The best/worst code comments you have ever seen?
Mine:
//Upload didn't work, have to react:
system.println('no result');
//$Message gives out a message in the compiler log.
{$Message Hint 'Feed the cat'}
//Not really needed
//Closed source - Why even comments?
//Looks like bullshit, but it has to be done this way.
//This one's really fucked up.
//If it crashes, click again.
asm JMP START end; //because no goto XP
catch {
//shit happens
}
//OMG!!! And this works???
asm
...
mov [0], 0 //uh, maybe there is a better way of throw an exception
...
mov [0], 0 //still a strange way to notify of an error
// this makes it exiting -- in other words: unstable !!!!!
//Paranoic - can't happen, but I trust no one.
else {
//please no -.-
sleep(0);
}
//wuppdi
for (int i = random(500); i < 1000 + random(500 + random(250)); i++)
{
// Do crap, so its harder to decompile
}
//This job would be great if it wasn't for the f**king customers.
//TODO: place this peace of code somewhere else...
// Beware of bugs in the code above; I have only proved it correct, not tried it.
{$IFDEF VER93}
//Good luck
{$DEFINE VER9x}
{$ENDIF}
//THIS SHIT IS LEAKING! SOMEONE FIX IT! :)
/* no comment */5 -
function myLife(time){
if(time.current() < time.alarm1)
sleep();
if(time.current() = time.alarm1){
wakeUp();
if(tired || hungover){
snooze();
sleep();
} else{
getReady(speed.Normal);
goTo(work, speed.Normal);
doMyJob(function(){
goTo(home);
});
}
}
if(time.current() = time.alarm2){
wakeUp();
if(tired || hungover){
snooze();
sleep();
} else{
getReady(speed.Fast);
goTo(work, speed.Normal);
doMyJob(function(){
goTo(home);
});
}
}
if(time.current() >= time.alarm3){
wakeUp();
if(tired || hungover){
workFromHome();
} else{
goTo(work, speed.Fast);
doMyJob(function(){
goTo(home);
});
}
}
}4 -
So,
Yesterday was Google CodeJam's Kickstart event ( or something like that ).
Participated in competitive programming for the first time. It was kinda fun I guess...
Nope I still hate competitive programming. I like being a laid back programmer who develops in his own pace.
I know it's not what industry wants but I can't jst go for competitive programming.
On the positive note, I started using goto in C++ because of it and created a better Graph library than I had before 🤗🤗
P.S. I did read on how to use goto and when to not use it. I guess my usage was fine... Or better yet, IT WORKED 😜😂
Well, I am done as far as competitive programming goes... 😭😭 -
goto
Found it lying around. Googled it, and it seems people avoid it, so I started using it all over the place(s). goto b
a:
no other places to goto exit
b:
Yes, it does require some thought to avoid confusion, and some pull requests get declined, but... Helps me alot when I have goto a
:exit2 -
I fix antique code for a living and regularly come across code like this, and this is actually the good stuff!
Worst usecase for a goto statement? What do you think?
int sDDIO::recvCount(int bitNumber){
if (bitNumber < 0 || bitNumber > 15) return 0; //ValidatebitNumber which has to be 0-15
//Send count request
if (!(send(String::Format(L"#{0:X2}{1}\r", id, bitNumber)) && flushTx())){
bad: //Return 0 if something went wrong
return 0;
}
String^ s = recv(L"\r"); //Receive request data
if (s->Length != 9) goto bad; //Validate lenght
s = s->Substring(3, 5); //Take only relevant bits
int value; //Try to parse value and send to bad if fails
bool result = Int32::TryParse(s, value);
if (!result) goto bad;
int count = value - _lastCount[bitNumber]; //Maximumpossible count on Moxa is 65535.
if (count < 0) count += 65536; //If the limit reached, the counter resets to 0
_lastCount[bitNumber] = value; //This avoids loosing count if the 1st request was
//made at 65530 and the 2nd request was made at 5
return count;
}4 -
Software development lifecycle:
Step 1: Take shortcuts to get the project done in time.
Step 2: Wait for shit to hit the you know what
Step 3: Goto Step 14 -
"Refractor this method to reduce its Cognitive Complexity from 110 to 15 allowed."
*Pan*
Ok let's do it :
label : for(....) {
if(...){
for(.....){
If(...){
....
break label;
}
}
}
}
*Pan Pan*2 -
I am my teams goto guy for anything and everything. For any problem they face technically.
They think I am some kind of genius. But in reality I just Google. :/ I don't know most of the things they ask!
The saving grace is that, whenever I try to solve anything, the pieces of the puzzle quickly fall into their places in my head.
Now the impostor syndrome is kicking in hard!1 -
Goto the play store and look for a flashlight, you'd find thousands of apps.
So what's the big idea? Well the big problem here is the whopping millions of downloads each one of them has
Let's assume there are a 1000 flashlight apps and I assure you there are!
1000* 1 million users... Either that or people exist with weird fantasies of collecting flashlight apps11 -
Oh BASIC night, the LEDs are brightly glinting;
It is the night of the dear GOSUB’s birth!
Long lay the world in sin and error printing,
Till you appeared and the RAM felt its worth.
Shiver of fear, line numbers do inspire,
For yonder breaks a mostly harmless GOTO.
Fall on your bits, O hear the Visual voices!
O BASIC divine, O BASIC where GOTO was born!
O BASIC, O Holy BASIC, O BASIC, you’re mine!
Some want to say, “GOTO is harmful always,”
But what of them, in their post-modern world.
We PRINT the truth, in the line-numbered goodness,
But Dijkstra appeared, and the faith, it was lost.
A thrill of hope, when .NET BASIC announces,
But Visual BASIC, what kind of thing are you?
Fall on your GUI, O see the old line numbers!
Behold BASICA, O BASIC when DOS was born!
O numbers, O lines, spaghetti divine!
Source: http://changelog.complete.org/archi...2 -
How do you folks handle your pagination at backend?
I was initially using skip and limit. But that is prone to error.
Then I thought about using last sent items id and using its created_at time and fetching rows/documents after that. But that too is prone to error ( more than one can have same timestamp) hence either having data repeats or data That gets missed.
What is your goto strategy for pagination?8 -
I do not think that GoTo is bad. It can lead to hellish code but if you don't misuse it - it can be extremely useful.6
-
Again found myself before deadline. My excuse? I'm more productive during the deadline rush :D
How everyone else sees it: you fucked up
What do I say to myself: never again!!!
```
sleep(until_next_deadline);
goto begining_of_this_post;
``` -
Found in kernel/sched.c in Linux 1.2:
The "confuse_gcc" goto is used only to get better assembly code..
Dijkstra probably hates me.
https://git.kernel.org/pub/scm/...3 -
Is it sad that I look forward to the weekend so that I can actually write some code rather than:
- Helping clients that can’t / won’t read docs
- Explaining to test colleagues that we need repro steps and can’t fix a bug based on “I was doing something and it crashed”
- Writing any regular expressions for another dev where it’s more complicated than ^[A-Z0-9]*$
- Wading through legacy VBA that’s littered with GoTo, global variables (even i, j and k for loops are fucking global!) and all the other fucking lazy shortcuts that save you 10 seconds at dev time and cost you (which ends up meaning me) hours in subsequent debugging.
I love writing code, and I think I’m pretty good at it, so can I please just get on with it?
Fellow ranters, please tell me I’m not alone in this. -
Too many people seem to think that "goto" in C is the worst thing you could do. It's an abomination, never use it! (Not something I've seen here per se, just generally around)
Challenge:
Break out of a loop inside a loop without using goto, and make it look pretty. Seriously, I don't think it can be done, and goto just makes it so clean!7 -
Today I've confirmed that there actually are real developers that aren't monkeys in my company and team.
Me: {discussing how to fix something, he said we will use some new tech} ... So how do you up with all this latest tech?
Him: https://www.thoughtworks.com/radar
Me; Thanks! I was thinking it was just a web dev skill :) I mean looking at it package.json, I always think how can someone pick all these modules for a single app... And there's always a new JS framework.
Him: You goto sleep knowing be day will bring new frameworks to keep up on :D
So yea there are actually people here that actually know what they're doing...1 -
40k vs 1.6m city, same pay, same position, same company - life million times more easy and much, much cheaper. Could change a flat to a huge house easily. goto or !goto8
-
Because I am very interested in cyber security and plan on doing my masters in it security I always try to stay up to date with the latest news and tools. However sometimes its a good idea to ask similar-minded people on how they approach these things, - and maybe I can learn a couple of things. So maybe people like @linuxxx have some advice :D Let's discuss :D
1) What's your goto OS? I currently use Antergos x64 and a Win10 Dualboot. Most likely you guys will recommend Linux, but if so what ditro, and why? I know that people like Snowden use QubesOS. What makes it much better then other distro? Would you use it for everyday tasks or is it overkill? What about Kali or Parrot-OS?
2) Your go-to privacy/security tools? Personally, I am always conencted to a VPN with openvpn (Killswitch on). In my browser (Firefox) I use UBlock and HttpsEverywhere. Used NoScript for a while but had more trouble then actual use with it (blocked too much). Search engine is DDG. All of my data is stored in VeraCrypt containers, so even if the system is compromised nobody is able to access any private data. Passwords are stored in KeePass. What other tools would you recommend?
3) What websites are you browsing for competent news reports in the it security scene? What websites can you recommend to find academic writeups/white papers about certain topics?
4) Google. Yeah a hate-love relationship, but its hard to completely avoid it. I do actually have a Google-Home device (dont kill me), which I use for calender entries, timers, alarms, reminders, and weather updates as well as IOT stuff such as turning my LED lights on and off. I wouldn"t mind switching to an open source solution which is equally good, however so far I couldnt find anything that would a good option. Suggestions?
5) What actions do you take to secure your phone and prevent things such as being tracked/spyed? Personally so far I havent really done much except for installing AdAway on my rooted device aswell as the same Firefox plugins I use on my desktop PC.
6) Are there ways to create mirror images of my entire linux system? Every now and then stuff breaks, that is tedious to fix and reinstalling the system takes a couple of hours. I remember from Windows that software such as Acronis or Paragon can create a full image of your system that you can backup and restore at any point to get a stable, healthy system back (without the need to install everything by hand).
7) Would you encrypt the boot partition of your system, even tho all data is already stored in encrypted containers?
8) Any other advice you can give :P ?12 -
It feels like I cannot take it anymore, waking up to goto work at 9 feels unbearable for a hacker. My mind doesn't work and it's routine as fuck. How do you guys do it?4
-
I'm wondering if the computer let me win...
Up to now it was ahead and got me on the ropes... Granted I haven't played an actual Go game in years...
But then somehow it made a mistake? here... A 100 point game turning mistake... which I don't notice until 30+ moves later
Maybe I should just goto sleep.... It's actually 2:30am here...
5 -
Oh.... Fuck.....
I have an SSD.... but it's taken more than 10 mins to changed from 25 to 26%...
And it just restarted....
Now it's at 30%...
Now 50%...
I'm gonna goto dinner now and pray that I don't need to reinstall Windows...
btw I'm atheist...
6 -
12 Stages of Software Development:
1. Analysis.
2. Development
3. Realization the whole analysis is complete bullshit and has nothing to with reality.
4. Denial about failing deadlines.
6. "Acceleration": adding more people to the project, bringing out big corner cutting machine.
7. Learning that massive amount of new features needs to be added, while the deadline is two weeks away.
8. Putting some random crap in production, riddled with horrid bugs and security flaws, to technically not miss the deadline.
9. Get the mess almost working long after the deadline has passed.
10. Maintain this steaming pile of crap for a year.
11. Start planning for full system rewrite that "Makes Everything Better".
12. Goto 12 -
waiting for validation only to fail on something dumb.......
for example:
1) reading the output log of linux compiling
2) fixing the errors (but missing something random i forgot)
3) compiling for 30min
4) goto step 1
or even like this:
1) write build script
2) test it out (that is wait 10min)
3) it works
4) git rebase
5) pull request
6) travis does its thing
7) travis also finds my dumbassery
8) goto step 1 -
Phps love of nested arrays is similar to that of structured programing and goto statements. You will do a lot of backtracking in both of them to see where things start. God bless PHP.
3 -
The problem with moving Docker containers from your decked-out dev machine to a VM on AWS when your boss has told you to keep costs down:
1. Start Micro instance, 1++ gig memory
2. Get Out of Memory error from app after 30 minutes
3. Goto 1 -
I've been working from home for 3 months yay!) but today was the nicest day off the year so far so decided to goto office.
Well seems everyone else thought that too and also the trains were delayed. i.e. I had to stand all the way...
No big deal except... apparently I am way out shape now...
was planning to go walk around NYC too like I do every Spring/Summer (~1-2 miles).... Looks like I'm gonna need some prep this time... 😞😓😭🤕😧2 -
1) git init
2) organize the structure of the project and check what features you need
3) google the name of the features and search a module that solves it
4) follow the module's tutorial step by step
5) compile the code
6) notice it doesn't work
7) StackOverflow, github, Quora, emails with insults to developers, parcel posts with bombs, try suicide
8) ascertain you could have spent all that time in funnier or more productive tasks
9) right click on project -> delete
10) forget the previous experience
11) goto 1 -
TLDR: Decision making is hard...
Get up at 7am, weather looks crappy but need go to the Drs today in NYC.
Original plan was to spend the morning in the park catching up on my reading list. Don't really want to goto the park now but lunch is still good? (Appt at 4pm, was only one left)
Walk into train station, pay for ticket. Get email from Drs saying he's sick...
Oh good... Except I already paid for the ticket.
Decide it's not worth it since weather is crap.
Walk out the station and... it's sunny... Fck...
Now what.... I can either go home and code or go shopping locally and eat out.
Currently decisions these and well shopping and eating out are also hard decisions...
-
the colleagues discuss their juvenile motorbike memories and i am sitting aside like
10 print 'i tried to code'
20 goto 10 -
Trying to hack/block in app video ads for the last hour... Well that was a waste for time.... Now to get up now and goto work.
Hows ur morning?5 -
What is your goto style of music? What is your empowering 'lets do this' or " I'm in the zone" thing?
For me I have a collection of various genres of music I've collected over time and I slap together several songs at the days start and get going.
Usually I end up looping a single high energy song all day (rock usually. Especially older rock)13 -
So just got off the train to transfer to goto work...
Wait no I'm actually going home, I'm off this week! Just happens that I need to get off at the same stop...
Moment of realization felt sorta weird... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ -
Music on, use half an hour on selecting project to work on, start working and forget time... Realize it's 4am and goto sleep 😐
-
CNC software
Hey guys
what do you guys use to control your DIY CNCs?
I'm using UGS, Universal Gcode Platform, but it has a slight problem... doesn't work with functions.
Meaning, I just had to write a 75 lines program that could be an 8 line program If I could use loops and GOTO...
Also, what CAM software do you use?15 -
Life of an tech lead.
Hire a candidate with little to no experience in relevant technology - > train said resource - > resource becomes productive - > plan enhancements as work load can be shared. - > resource switches projects or firm - > goto step 1 and overtime to complete enhancements. FML3 -
I started to learn coding at school using RM Basic. I made a script with an infinite loop using goto that flashed the screen different colours and said error on it. I left it running. Found out later the it guy took the computer away for "repair"...
-
<?php
date_default_timezone_set('Asia/Kolkata');
$current_time = date('Y-m-d H:i:s');
$alarm = new DateTime('2016-06-13 04:05:00');
if( $current_time == $alarm)
{
wake_up();
eat('suhur');
pray('fajr');
browse('devRant');
browse('Instagram');
sleep(18000);
}
shower();
goto('friends office');
browse('YouTube');
work(14400);
pray('zuhr');
pray('asr');
goto('gym');
exercise(5400);
goto('home');
pray('maghrib');
eat('iftaar/dineer');
pray('isha');
goto('store');
work(7200);
goto('home');
sleep(7200);
?>11 -
I'm starting on C# and some of the lesson plans out there dont make sense. So far Bob Tabor and Plural Sight has helped me half way and the bulgarian shark book too. What has helped you cross that threshold past the basics. I'm stuck on structs, namespaces, sort algorithms, sql and json.6
-
So some of the C++ guys I deal with have this thing in their mind that they know all the other languages cause they're similar right, and they argue that it doesn't work vice versa.You know Java, you don't know c++
Simple advice to people out there who meet such people is to just ask them to make a Java program with the goto command
Little know it all freaks.11 -
# rails manage.py runserver
Usage: ...
# python run server
/use/local/opt/python/bin/python2.7: can't find '__main__' module in 'run'
# npm server
Usage: npm <command> ...
# webpack s[TAB]
...
# [TAB]
...
# ./just_fckn_run_pls.sh
zsh: no such file or directory: ./just_fckn_run_pls.sh
# DO IT
zsh: correct DO to do [nyae]? n
zsh: command not found: DO
# exit
Thank you. Come again!
-- Dr. API Nahasapeemapetilon
============= Broken Pipe =============
10 GOTO PUB -
I "programmed" (or better changed code) long before I even knew this is programming. I basically changed levels in gorillas and nibbles back then during my DOS time thru trial and error by looking and guessing what was written there in the BASIC files. I basically used goto alot 😂.
Later I copied code listings from computer magazines that never worked but took days to type down. My first real programming experience where I bought a much to expensive book and went through it front to back was Java 1.1 or 1.2 ( don't know exactly anymore but it was no later than 1.2) and I learned it because there was this guy that told me about it and I wanted to find out what he was talking about. -
1987 at seven years old. Dad bought me an Atari ST. It came with a Language Disc, containing the ST Basic program. Didn't know what it was, but dad learned from the guy in the shop it was for making your own programs.
So along with a manual, together we wrote our first program:
10 PRINT "ST";
20 GOTO 10
RUN
In the corner window, the results unravelled. I was so excited. Never looked back. -
Is it "goto" still a thing?
Ran today into a 1k lines haywire method which calls itself (not recursive) with "goto" on labels within it. A little hell.2 -
Ok so i Don't know spring and i have been asked to work on spring batch.So should i start learning directly from batch or should i go with spring first and then goto spring batch?
-
Ok new game! 6 degrees of @localhost
Where every rant is only 6 degrees away from @localhost
BEGIN
10 Scroll through some rants
20 random stop at a rant
30 click on that rant
40 Click on the user's name on rant
50 In there profile: click on +1's
60 Click on the first rant you see
GOTO 402 -
rant.author != this
Christ people. This is just sh*t.
The conflict I get is due to stupid new gcc header file crap. But what
makes me upset is that the crap is for completely bogus reasons.
This is the old code in net/ipv6/ip6_output.c:
mtu -= hlen + sizeof(struct frag_hdr);
and this is the new "improved" code that uses fancy stuff that wants
magical built-in compiler support and has silly wrapper functions for
when it doesn't exist:
if (overflow_usub(mtu, hlen + sizeof(struct frag_hdr), &mtu) ||
mtu <= 7)
goto fail_toobig;
and anybody who thinks that the above is
(a) legible
(b) efficient (even with the magical compiler support)
(c) particularly safe
is just incompetent and out to lunch.
The above code is sh*t, and it generates shit code. It looks bad, and
there's no reason for it.
The code could *easily* have been done with just a single and
understandable conditional, and the compiler would actually have
generated better code, and the code would look better and more
understandable. Why is this not
if (mtu < hlen + sizeof(struct frag_hdr) + 8)
goto fail_toobig;
mtu -= hlen + sizeof(struct frag_hdr);
which is the same number of lines, doesn't use crazy helper functions
that nobody knows what they do, and is much more obvious what it
actually does.
I guarantee that the second more obvious version is easier to read and
understand. Does anybody really want to dispute this?
Really. Give me *one* reason why it was written in that idiotic way
with two different conditionals, and a shiny new nonstandard function
that wants particular compiler support to generate even half-way sane
code, and even then generates worse code? A shiny function that we
have never ever needed anywhere else, and that is just
compiler-masturbation.
And yes, you still could have overflow issues if the whole "hlen +
xyz" expression overflows, but quite frankly, the "overflow_usub()"
code had that too. So if you worry about that, then you damn well
didn't do the right thing to begin with.
So I really see no reason for this kind of complete idiotic crap.
Tell me why. Because I'm not pulling this kind of completely insane
stuff that generates conflicts at rc7 time, and that seems to have
absolutely no reason for being anm idiotic unreadable mess.
The code seems *designed* to use that new "overflow_usub()" code. It
seems to be an excuse to use that function.
And it's a f*cking bad excuse for that braindamage.
I'm sorry, but we don't add idiotic new interfaces like this for
idiotic new code like that.
Yes, yes, if this had stayed inside the network layer I would never
have noticed. But since I *did* notice, I really don't want to pull
this. In fact, I want to make it clear to *everybody* that code like
this is completely unacceptable. Anybody who thinks that code like
this is "safe" and "secure" because it uses fancy overflow detection
functions is so far out to lunch that it's not even funny. All this
kind of crap does is to make the code a unreadable mess with code that
no sane person will ever really understand what it actually does.
Get rid of it. And I don't *ever* want to see that shit again. -
I am using materilize with react. Having one problem that when i goto to a navlink lets say to 1 and then goto navlink 2 and then come back to one i need to re run the jquery or Javascript so how can i do that?6
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