Son of a bitch!

At work today the guys showed me how I can listen in on calls so I can prepare myself for phone support.

We tested it through a call between two of the guys.

They started talking like "test test123 is this working"

I said yes and continued working behind my screen. They just didn't know I was still listening.

Both guys started saying stuff like "welcome to the sex hotline"
"hello and welcome to the *insert something sexual* hotline!"

One of the guys after a few minutes: why is your head so red?!

Wait.... Have you been listening along?? 😅

Yes 😂

*everyone bursts out in laughter*

Me: "Ahh yes finally done making this big module that does X, took me 2 weeks but its done!"
Coworker: "You know there's a plugin that does X right?"
Me: "Just go..."
Coworker: "Ohh and it also does Y which makes X easier if you have to do Z"
Me: "GET OUT OF HERE I NEED TO CRY"

Got the other devs in my office their own debugging rubber duckies.

*Cuts 7 slow lines of code down to 1 fast line of code*
*Looks around to see if coworkers can see me*
*Pumps both fists in the air*

Our company got attacked last month by what i believe was a code time bomb from a ex employee. And it was brutal, website hacked, email server not responding, locked out from database servers. The IT department asked for my help and I was more than happy to do it. Long story short I got every thing back working smoothly. The IT guys ask for a favor to not include this in my monthly progress report. Fine by me. But then they went out and tokd the top management that they are teaching me about the networks and servers so thats why I was working with them last month. Fucking assholes. Not going to help them any more.

When even the gift mug you got from your coworkers has a bug in the code...

First I demotivate my coworkers .. then we take a long break

My coworkers are serious when they tell us to double-check.

My coworker said she'd rather commit seppuku than use Edge.

My first thought was "commit it to what?"

I forgot commit had another meaning ...

Light vs dark IDE themes

I personally prefer dark and all my coworkers use light. When they ask me to look at something, it hurts my eyes just scrolling for 5 minutes on their computer.

I can't post a rant about wk50 because I know some coworkers use this app and I'm afraid they'll realize how stupid I really am.

My asshole coworkers talking about how programmers without a degree are worth shit and cannot achieve anything in industry besides working from startup to startup.

Well, surprise, I'm sitting right next to them, in the same big company and I don't have ANY higher education at all.

Just because I prefer more hands-on experience than theory stuff doesn't make me worse developer than those bastards. I just learn more from working on something, than from sitting in classroom and taking notes.

Fortunately people at HR and boss also valued my previous experience when they hired me, but now having to work with those guys every day is killing me.

Farting in a coworkers cubicle while he had headphones on and quietly walking away.

May I introduce you to my coworkers git repo

me: "ah, my scraper is nearly done - just need some final tweaks"

coworker: "JuSt FrOm LoOkInG aT yOuR ScReEn A fEw TiMeS tOdAy, I cAn TeLl YoU iT wOnT wOrK"

me, infuriated by his idiot mentality but not trying to start anything: "ah, its fine, I've already scraped 3000+ entities"

coworker: "but it wont work."

me: "but... its working..."

coworker: "but it won't work."

me: "ok."

sometimes its just better to just affirm the narcessistic assholes. make sure they are right.

When I test my coworkers code.

Watching my coworkers fix bugs is like watching people untie knots by pulling hard on both ends, in the hope that the rope breaks.

Slowbro: Do you have time tonight?
Me: No sorry, I can't stay late tonight, I have a thing with my wife.
S: Oh yeah, I'm not staying late either.
M: Oh, so what do you want?
S: Can you help me install linux?
M: Uh no, I can't stay late -
S: No, no you don't have to stay, you can do it from home.
M: What? No I don't have time tonight. Wait you want me to take your computer home?
S: No, no I need to use my computer tonight.
M: So... What do you want me to do?
S: You can do it on your computer.
M: You want me to install an OS on your computer, but on my computer??
S: No, no *sigh* just try it on your computer so we know it will work on my computer. It is a proof of principle.
M: Reinstall my OS?
S: As a proof of principle. So tomorrow when we do it on my computer, we need not waste any time.
M: ... No I'm not going to reinstall my OS just as a test for you.
S: Not a test, a proof of principle.
M: What are you.. I'm sorry, I don't have time for this tonight.
S: Just a proof of principle!!
M: Ok see you.

PM finds my prized stress ball and draws a face on it. When asked why she said "it looked depressed".

THATS THE LOGO YOU DUMB BITCH. PLEASE DON'T TOUCH MY SHIT

On the bright side... Good thing I have this stress ball to relieve my anger 😒

I've been working for this company for 2 years, tomorrow will be the first day that I meet my coworkers.

I love my job.

I'm a simple man, I want to:
- get along with everybody
- be able to depend on my coworkers
- use whatever editor I want
- have vcs (preferably git)
- listen to music while coding
- work with people who share my hobbies (optional)

Dear coworker: oh my god we aren't in highschool algebra; using "x" as the name of a parameter makes me want to cut you.

Coworker: I wish excel had a dark theme.
Other coworker: it does just use this macro
Ctrl + A, Ctrl + A, Alt + HH + right arrow + enter.

I tried it... it selects every cell in the whole worksheet and changes the background color to black.

Annual performance peer review

Person who did review me wrote in the section “skills needed to improve”:

“He is introverted...”

Bloody hell!! What a big problem :) and how in earth you can “fix” it? And why everyone expected to be extraverted??

True story.

I had been working for 6 months at the same place surrounded by 6 people (3 of them in my work team) .

On January I receive a message on skype for business "Hello, happy new year :)"

I answered "thanks", 10 seconds later I see the name of who wrote the message, someone called let's say YYY, so I ask one of my coworkers, "do you know who is YYY?" and I hear a voice of the girl seated right in front of me for the last 6 months answering "It's me", "Oh!" I said.

Awkward silence....

Rant to myself for being a shitty non social person.

push -f

My coworkers are the best. Look what they got me for my birthday.

FOR THE LOVE OF GIT, CLOSE YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU CHEW!

😒😠

I'm surprised by the ability of coworkers to get on my nerves. Here's an example...

Me: "Just upload those files you idiot! I got called up three times all because you couldn't upload this thing!"

Co-Worker: "Chill bro, I've got it all here safe and secure on my computer"

Me: "....."
(In mind: Should I do to him what Walter did in breaking bad.... Drown him in a vat of acid. Saves me the trouble of hiding the body)

why? #redundantcoworkers

Sometimes in my company, I just want to shout "Java is shit". But I am afraid my coworkers will beat me, because they all seem to love Java. 😅

CS graduates that have never gone beyond "Hello World", fuck college and it's "system".

So the actual victims of the story are friends of mine, CS colleagues, but I can't help but share as the existence of code freeloaders enfuriates me.

At college in order to graduate you need to present a project in form of a thesis a side from your actual thesis, there is a shortage of pre-approved projects and everyone wants one.

A talented friend of mine who has many years of programming experience got in one with another friend of mine and a lady who I've never seen before. One Saturday night my friend and I were having some beers at a local bar and his phone didn't stop beeping so I jokingly said:

"Bro, tell your girl you need some space", he laughed and explained it was the chick from her project having some "issues" with node.

"So? Tell her to google it, it's Saturday night", he explained the girl has never coded before even though she's about to graduate so she had take it upon herself to pressure him to finish ASAP so she can graduate and get an already agreed position at the federal energy commission... As dev!

I've seen my bud in a lot of dumb calls with said chick trying to explain how you CAN'T COMPILE THE NODE WEBSERVER TO A .EXE!

It frustrated me how such an idiot can go through a CS major buying homeworks and getting low self-esteem geeks to code for her. Then I realized that as an aspiring InfoSec guy, lazy idiots coding is good for business.

If my coworker refers to Java as Javascript one more time I'll need someone to hold me back

Someone went to HR complaining about never getting a lunch... We're told to work them out amongst ourselves and cover, but he's never once asked us to cover.

So now we HAVE to take lunch and we HAVE to make up that time by staying late or coming in early.

There are days when I'm on a roll and I don't WANT to stop to take lunch. It fucks with my rhythm and I end up breaking shit. We're all adults, why the fuck can't people act like it?

Customer: So I have operating system corruption? What does that mean?

Me: *thinks for a moment* Okay, so you have a bag of potato chips, right? And you're looking forward to eating those potato chips. However, when you open the bag, there are only crumbs because the guy in front of you in line had accidentally stepped on the bag and crushed them all.

Customer: ...Okay...

Me: So what we can do is we can grab a can of Pringles--because Pringles are delicious--and dump those in the bag. That way you have a good, full bag of uncrushed digital potato chips.

Customer: I like that, let's do it!

Coworker: ...why are you talking about digital potato chips?

Best co-workers? Umm, does Google and stackoverflow count?
Coz I am sole IT guy in my company....

I always thought that this could only happen with big orgs with precious data. One of my coworkers sent me this last night

Coworkers: "Who still even uses vim? Glad we've got Visual Studio so we don't have to deal with ancient shit tools like that!"

Me: "Psh, yeah, total losers right? Haha!"

**Sheepishly returns to coding using the VsVim extension**

Over heard my coworkers talk about my open source project: "ya that's the best there is"

I am just so happy 😊😊😊

Almost ever day I am the first one at office in the early morning. Other devs arrive at least one or two hours later. I don't mind. I just want to have a bit of sun left, when I go.

But why the heck...everytime I go, one of those other fucktards (which I normally really like), mumbles something like "you go this early today?"

Yes I do you dipshit!! You could arrive earlier, too!

And then, those late birds get credit for staying longest!!!

I mean, sure... If you start to work at 11pm, you have to stay long...

Meeeeh

*the Company closes a project and splits us in different teams*

Me: *tells the manager for half a year about feeling extremely bad in the new team which is mobbing me, caling the previous project "shit" (it was not, it simply didn't need to be alive anymore cause we found out cheap alternatives) and not letting me do anything*

Company(half a year later): *sends me into a new project* we don't get why you are underperforming lately.

Me: *full burnout after half a year of being treated as living shit* yeah. Wonder why.

Mouth noises from coworkers

I'm real tired of my coworkers always trying to one up me and being elitist about their code. Like I get it, you think PHP is shit, C is so much better than Java. Wow, you must be so knowledgeable! /s

Just because you're bashing on bad languages and talking shit doesn't mean you write good code, and in fact your code isn't top quality, I've read it. All you're going to accomplish with an elitist mindset is close yourself off to improving, and that's probably the worst thing you can do as a developer.

One of my coworkers uses

if(null == something())

I know it's just coding style, but it fucking annoys me.

A DevRant a day keeps the "Oh my fucking God leave me alone!"away.

Just set a cron on a coworkers machine to play "What does the fox say" at max volume at 8 when he's the only one here.

May need to review the security footage in the morning.

When you need to use PHP for EVERY project 'cause your coworkers don't know other languages... *sigh*

Just found this piece of code from one of my coworkers:

restMethod() {
try {
// some complicated logic
} catch (WebApplicationException e) {
throw e;
}
}

Why?!

And btw: Hi fellow devRant ppl! 👋

>monster energy drink
>brutal dubstep
>neon green keyboard&mouse
>sick 4k 21:9 monitor
>
>contemplating killing all my coworkers

I have those conversations with my coworkers about once a day. We use Linux at work and I am the only one with any real Linux experience.

C: I have a problem! I tried and googled everything already! Come help me...
M: *slowly walks over to their PC*
M: *copy-pastes the error into Google*
M: *clicks the first result*
M: *presses two buttons*
*everything works again*
M: So you tried Google already, have you?

When I leave there (it's a PhD position and I'm almost done) they will probably crash and burn...

Some of my coworkers call connecting with SSH "git bashing", because they use git bash for making ssh connections. 😋
They never understand me when I use the term "SSH". 😔

I hate when I'm being questioned when I wander off to the kitchen to get a sandwich for 5 minutes when the smokers at the office have their sixth smoking break that usually takes about 10 minutes.

Let me enjoy my non-smoker breaks 😒

When you make a tech-ish joke and you have to explain it because your coworkers aren't that tech-ish.

I used to think my coworkers are stupid. Now I believe they are purposely making mistakes just to piss me off.

I'm slowly beginning to seriously dislike all of my coworkers.

I have the best reason not to leave my "office-chair"...

More comfort and colleagues bringing me coffee😎☕️

I get great support from my coworkers and friends! Thank you!!!

/* MacOS source code
Copyright Snapple, Inc
Private and confidential */

void resumeFromSleep() {
if (rand() > RAND_MAX / 2) {
freezeSystem();
} else {
reallyResumeFromSleep();
}
}

Remember when I said don't launch on a Friday?

Coming into work on Monday with a broken site is exactly why we don't do that...

Now I get to deal with fixing this issue while also dealing with complaints from managers who act like I didn't warn them.

Inspiration for alcoholism.

Me: *Killing tickets like there's no tomorrow*

Others: Doing nothing.

Manager: Well, since you are closing tickets here are some from your coworkers.

Sometimes I feel like my job is just babysitting my coworkers. I need to find a way to teach them how to think for themselves.

I'm not a senior dev but I am the one my coworkers turn to for help. I like helping (even if it's annoying some times), so I'm thinking about embracing the mentor role in my team. My plan for now is to stop giving the answers right away (which I usually do to get back to my work) and instead try to guide my coworkers into figuring out the issue themselves. This will take more of my time of course and will require I practice my patience in a possibly stressful environment (depending on how close deadlines are), but I'm hoping that it'll produce better coworkers (one can dream, at least).

Do any of you know of any good reading resources about mentoring or becoming a mentor, specifically in tech/development?

A typo today has rendered me the joke of the office... 😂

Almond's PR: "Added missing unit testes to classes Foo and Bar"

----

Bob: "LGTM. Bet that took some balls."
Craig: "LGTM. Missing unit testes drive me nuts."
Ian: "LGTM. Write your testes with your code guys, a bit bollocks to have to add them afterwards."

After running tests, code review, coverage test ... And your application crashes in the middle of a demo in front of your PM and your coworkers.

Coworkers : "When you try your best but you don't succeed ..." (Coldplay song)

PM : DAMN SON! WHERE'D FIND THIS ?

I often create git issues seconds before pushing the fix, then closing them immediately.

Allows my coworkers to receive notifications that I am actually working...

Thank goodness noise cancelling headphones exist. I have a coworker who loves running a white noise machine at his desk all day. 😒

But now I don't have to listen to it 🙉

Best purchase I have made all year.

*based on a true story*

Co-worker: Let's release it
Me: Wait, I want to add just a little feature
Co-worker: Is it necessary?
Me: Trust me

*5 minutes later*

Co-worker: So, have you finished implementing your "little feature"?
Me: Yeah, well, it's done. Maybe.
Co-worker: What the hell have you done?
Me: MAYBE I've added 647 lines of codes to the file to implement my little feature, MAYBE it doesn't works and MAYBE the entire project is compromised
Co-worker: ah

My face when I read a rant and think it's my coworkers ranting about me...

Git commit of the day "fixed something, I think..." I hope my coworkers don't hate me...

It took forever to get SSH access to our office network computers from outside. Me and other coworkers were often told to "just use teamviewer", but we finally managed to get our way.

But bloody incompetents! There is a machine with SSH listening on port 22, user & root login enabled via password on the personal office computer.

"I CBA to setup a private key. It's useless anyways, who's ever gonna hack this computer? Don't be paranoid, a password is enough!"

A little more than 30 minutes later, I added the following to his .bashrc:

alias cat="eject -T && \cat"
alias cp="eject -T && \cp"
alias find="eject -T && \find"
alias grep="eject -T && \grep"
alias ls="eject -T && \ls"
alias mv="eject -T && \mv"
alias nano="eject -T && \nano"
alias rm="eject -T && \rm"
alias rsync="eject -T && \rsync"
alias ssh="eject -T && \ssh"
alias su="eject -T && \su"
alias sudo="eject -T && \sudo"
alias vboxmanage="eject -T && \vboxmanage"
alias vim="eject -T && \vim"

He's still trying to figure out what is happening.

i was so excited about devRant, that i tell all my coworkers about it and now if i dont reply to emails they make fun of me "put it on devRant he will find it there"

Me and my two coworkers are the perfect start of a joke: a mathematician, a physicist and a computer scientist walk into a bar...

I'm OK with C language, but I refuse to learn Shell. My co-workers who use shell don't talk to anyone and look like zombies. Hell no. I don't even know their names after working 2 months together. Fire me.

Coworker: so once the algorithm is done I will append new columns in the sql database and insert the output there

Me: I don't like that, can we put the output in a separate table and link it using a foreign key. Just to avoid touching the original data, you know, to avoid potential corruption.

C: Yes sure.

< Two days later - over text >

C: I finished the algo, i decided to append it to the original data in order to avoid redundancy and save on space. I think this makes more sense.

Me: ahdhxjdjsisudhdhdbdbkekdh

No. Learn this principal:
" The original data generated by the client, should be treated like the god damn Bible! DO NOT EVER CHANGE ITS SCHEMA FOR A 3RD PARTY CALCULATION! "

Put simply: D.F.T.T.O
Don't. Fucking. Touch. The. Origin!

"WTF? These records should have been inserted into the table!"
...Hours of checking code, trying to figure out how this is possible, can't find a way to have this scenario happen...
...Add additional debug and troubleshooting code, add more verbose logging, redeploy to all the containers, reset all the tables, many apologies to the boss for the delay....
...Co-worker comes in: "oh, hey, sorry, accidently deleted some stuff from the database last night before i left."

To my ex-coworkers who used to tease me about using Vim although I never bragged or even talked about it to any of them, GO FUCK YOURSELVES.

The best thing about having COBOL in my last internship is not that it opens you a lot of new job opportunities, is the look of fear and respect of your coworkers when you say that you learned it.

Coworker: hey can you do this?

Me: sure *couple hours later* it's done.

Coworker several hours later: that thing you did completely changed. Can you update it?

*checks the platform we use so non devs can create web pages* All of my code was erased and I have to restart and add even more functionality. Why the actual fuck would you hire web developers if you're just going to have other employees use a poorly built tool to build pages. Every fucking time something breaks in the shitty fucking app, I have to fix it. Or if it doesn't do some crazy functionality, I have to hack code in there to do it in the ugliest way. Fuck tools like this. Fuck companies who make money off of these tools/use these tools. And fuck the developers who make these shitty tools that give real web developers so much frustration.

I had the opportunity today to FINALLY say "I told you so" to a coworker. It was such a cathartic experience, I'm still basking in the afterglow.

Today at 3PM all of my coworkers got to watch the match Italy-Sweden and i finally got some silence 😍

When you can't rant about the stupid shit at work because your fucking idiot coworkers are on devRant and you can't afford to lose the job quite yet...

Me: Can you do the javadocs comments
Coworker: I've never done that, *looks for it on google*, I can't do it, I don't know how.
Me: Did no one asked you to comment you code at school?
Coworker: Yeah, but only the ones with '//'
Me: Ok, bring me coffee

Not on call. 2 hours of sleep, get a call. Ask if primary on call got called... all my coworkers are fixing shit. Why is everything down? I'm tired and need my sleep.

!Rant

> Go to co-workers working machine
> install tmux and mps-youtube
> play very subtle sounds from console
> close console but keep session running with tmux
> watch coworker go insane because he can't detect the sound source

How to make your coworker go insane in 5 easy Steps

How to start fights with coworkers #1:
"GitKraken is better than Sourcetree"

Mostly coworkers code lol but sometimes its my own code.:p

Coworkers who want to ask a question and send a message with the text "can I ask you a question?"

why would you do this to our codebase, dear teammate?

Coworkers using 'echo' command to comment lines in bash script because "our documentation says it".

One of my coworkers just had a baby, so he left work today and won't be back for a month or more.

We (accidentally) took the client's website down for 3 hours, messed up our git repo and when we finally fixed both things, I had to spend the rest of the day editing fucking vector graphics (which I had never done before and completely suck at).

I never realized how much work this guy does or how important he is until now.

When you’re way more experienced and new to a team and are met with “but this is how we’ve done it for ages, and it’s done fine for us” but the sprint performance shows they’ve not completed one in 2 years.

My coworker and I are both novice programmers: we both know a little about several languages.

So it's really cool when we learn something new from each other. I learned how to properly open a file in Python, and he learned that "\t" is the tab character.

It's a Win-Win for both of us!

FUCK. This person who I have to avoid at social gatherings because I find him insufferably annoying is applying to my workplace and oh my God I hope I never have to work with him, at least the company is 700 people so the odds are relatively low?

Uggggg he's the worst. And I'm so easy going. There's like two people I feel this way about (fortunately the other lives in a different city).

Listening to my coworkers bounce ideas back and forth on design

Overheard some coworkers during lunch.

Coworker1: "fuck net neutrality! We'll make our own internet! With strippers and poker!"

Coworker2: "9gag?"

Coworker1: "9gag!"

Beating my imposter syndrome at work. Finishing my degree so my coworkers consider me a "real programmer." Having the confidence to do both.

My boss just passed me few tasks that my coworkers fucked up. They have more experience, but they do not follow any code style standards and usually write shitty spaghetti code. I'm pissed off and angry because it's not the first time and I'm tired of fixing things that they ruin. Do you ever had any situations like that? How do I handle this? I'm speaking of two particular persons, not a whole company.

Lately Sublime coworkers are changing to VS Code after pair programming sessions 🤔

so few people have seen my 6 years java programming buddy. here's his newest python excel manipulating code and - naturally - inclusion of the allfunction - doNothing().

Non tech coworkers before COVID-19: you don't need home office, it's only a way to avoid job responsibilities

Non tech coworkers today: yeah home office is a great idea, why we didn't think about it before

Do you ever wonder if your coworkers talk about you behind your back? Or wonder if they hate you? Or am I just too paranoid?

Coworkers, Especially Fred.

Friend: Oh god! Are you sure you wanna eat that bunch of garlic?!

Me: Sure. I'm working backend.

Friend: Never mind.

The moment you enable the PHP warnings in your company and you want to delete all your coworkers code.

#why #you #do #this #to #me

When you have to write methods that can only be used in a specific way only just to make sure your coworkers aren't fucking shit up.

A coworkers shameless hack. Our services have a bug being investigated that cause the server eventually to fail.

The hack? Reset the connections of every user every 6 hours and restart the servers.

-_-

The importance of headphones is to avoid listening to co-workers talking nonsense all day long, especially young people.

A note to my team, who I hope never actually reads this.

To my manager: Grow a fucking spine, you asshat! We literally ignore you, you are useless!! Other people do your job, and you can't even talk to your reporting person directly! You have us do it!

To my tech lead: You are crazy, but in a good way! I have no idea how you cram so much work into so little time, and I would march into hell for you. You are in the trenches with us, and I respect you greatly!

To dev number 1: You are hard working, but stop modifying my code and breaking it!

To the other devs: If you leave 4 hours before the tech lead anymore, I will beat you to death with a cum filled sock! My rage fucking erection is that strong!

To everyone else: fuck you!

When you go home paranoid that your coworkers are devranting about you and laughing.

Sometimes my thoughts are so loud, I think my coworkers can hear me.

Found out all my coworkers use light theme... guess I’ll be the oddball then.

Headphones on
Start Soundcloud/Osu! Playlist
Open IDE

Optional:
Get a german shepherd to protect me from obstacles called "coworkers"

That moment when you teaching your coworkers about vba:
Me: and you close the formula with a curly bracket
Co-worker: Wow that's easy, and you say coding is hard
Me: you're right, here try to learn Java

A free advice: Dont let people recognize you on devrant. Its too good to not let your coworkers/mentors know about it and you should realise you must have ranted about them already.

I'm here at work working on my back end security code and my co-worker is watching the Emoji Movie.

I'm strongly against censorship, but this goddamn piece of cock shit makes me almost reconsider it. Noise canceling headphones are about the only thing keeping me from going that far.

//end rant

New job is going well overall, but...

Just overheard a conversation with two coworkers and heard them both say “jif”, unironically...

Had a conference call for a fairly large internal project today. Everyone involved was there. Turns out the other subteams had done jack shit. Blablabla drafts and concepts bla, yeah right.
Then someone had the idea we needed an e-mail distribution list. But what's it gonna be called?

Suddenly *everyone* had an opinion and wanted their name used. And, in true "design by committee" fashion, everyone's ideas got merged.

Our list's name is now 30. fucking. characters. long. FUCK. you.

Luckily, I can leave the project this month. Can't wait...

'17:15' < '09:45' === false
'5:15pm' < '9:45am' === true

I either need a language with a stronger type system, or coworkers who understand that comparing raw time input in validation is a bad idea 😡

When coworkers think the kitchen is a place to have personal conversations and close it's door - obnoxious when you want to get a cup of coffee in the company public place .....

Just cut 2 seconds off the load time after roughly 2 months of refactoring. The code looks beautiful though.

It's hard to grow professionally as a remote jr dev, I wish I had coworkers to talk to/get mentor-ship from in person 😓

My most memorable coworkers are also the ones I would most like to forget.

I found working from home and not having to interact with coworkers, unless it is about work, makes me very productive.

When coworkers say, "I know you have a lot on your plate buuuuut...."
Then shut the fuck up and let me work 😑

Me to coworkers tomorrow: best wishes.
Me to boss tomorrow: Go f*ck yourself

My coworker found out that Powerpoint is Turing Complete, so now he wants to write an operating system in Powerpoint. Kill me now...

TL;DR The prodigal son returns.

A long time ago my partner in crime left the company. So I was a "one man army", until management gave me 2 newbies to train. We'll call them X and Y.

X was new to the company, while Y was moved from a different area. During the time I was training them I realized which of the two had potential, or at least was paying attention.

Some more time passed and X was showing signs of being a good candidate to join the team. Y, on the other hand, well there were stories from his previous team. Not good.

Guess who was added to my team. It wouldn't be a rant if it was the capable one. Y was added to my team, while X was sent to a completely different area.

Time passed and I suffered many misfortunes. But this week, I saw him sitting next to my desk, X is back. I'll probably have to get him up to speed, but my little prodigy is back!

Just recently I found myself in the position I never thought I would. I was at work and my boss said, "Hey could you pickup *Item* from *sister location*? So I went to *sister location* I knew what I was looking for but I couldn't remember what they were called. So I asked one of my coworkers," Hey, I'm supposed to pick up something here." She didn't know what I was talking about. I told her I could remember what they were called.

Her response: "If you don't know what the were called, why do you EVEN come over here?" The rudeness in her voice was unmistakable.

In retrospect I could have been rude right back but there where people nearby and I had already decided I didn't like her. She is the kind of girl that you assume spends her paycheck on outfits. (or maybe she just dresses well I can never be sure, but I digress) Eventually I found what I was supposed to do. By the time I had to go to back for the second batch of *items*, I get sent back to my boss's office. To my surprise, my boss had overheard what happened.

Apparently one of the people nearby thought SHE was being rude and REPORTED HER.

It was incredible; someone was offended FOR ME?!!!

I have no idea how you even go about doing that where I work. I went back to work and I saw her walk though the door to the boss's office. I actually felt a bit sorry for her.

Only me who is actually happy when coworkers finish a nice piece of code? I feel like too many only thinks of competition :(

My coworkers just invited me to a "scum meeting" and that's the most accurate meeting invite I've ever received.

Coworkers.

96hrs (3 days), I was working with violent autistic kids at the time. Snow storm prevented coworkers from coming in, so I stayed.

It's Don't-Kill-Your-Coworkers Monday! Vent here while looking at this cute-ass picture instead of ending lives.

Coffeee..loads and loads of it.. music..ignoring certain coworkers..loads of mind emptying breaks (piss breaks)

who hates when friends or coworkers/family pretend that you fix his/her pc for free or just a 'thanks'??

!rant

Coworker: I've been working on this computer for an entire day now and it's still having issues

Boss: Well, we can give the client an option to get another SSD and clone to it before reinstalling the OS.

Coworker: But he doens't have an SSD...

Boss: Yes he does

Coworker: *opens computer* let's see, two 1TB hard drives... but no SSD... Oh, there it is. It's hidden. But it's booting too slow to be....

*epiphany*

Coworker: Oh my god. I've been telling the computer to boot to the wrong hard drive. That explains everything!

Have good coworkers and be a great team.

A great corporate culture, pleasant coworkers, a caring manager, meaningful work, and a good salary. Hmmm. Thank you for reminding me that I have a pretty close to ideal Dev job. I can live with what's missing. 🤠

Not claiming any originality here... I'm just happy to finally have included it. We'll see if it passes PR review - might make my coworkers "steam" a little (pun intended) ;)

Between this and the app my coworkers have noticed a significant decline in my use of profanity.

When coworkers leave the co. for a better paying job and leave this kind of code after themselves:

int foo = 1;
String.format("blabla %s", Integer.toString(foo));

fml

Power cut at the office now I have to talk to my coworkers!!! 🙄😶😑

It's official, my coworkers have a hard time understanding the logic of debugging.

Great... None of my coworkers know about this tiny bit of undocumented code, and the guy who wrote it, I replaced ... Fucks sake ... Next weeks gonna be hellish

Walk into the office this morning and say hi to co-workers, get told I look like hell and should go home if I'm sick.

I feel great, but thanks for that...Susan.

Does anyone else uses codenames when talking to coworkers so just the boss doesn't understand it?

Everyday:
Colleagues: I hate when the client wants to make last minute design changes the day we are supposed to launch when they have had MONTHS to bring them up..

Today:
Me: we are supposed to launch our site today (our own agency site that we have been working on and reviewing as a group for about a year), so please take some time to go through and make sure there are no GRAMMATICAL errors.
Colleagues: *send huge lists of minor design changes that are CRITICAL*

Tomorrow, we will have a new fenale co-worker.
This is awesome, because in IT is very rare to find women. It seems that this field is dominated by man.

And that brings the problem. In our enterprise, we are all men. We worst kind of men. Saying that we are "a bunch of animals in a tiny room" would be more like a compliment.

I already feel sorry for her. :/

The struggle of telling your coworkers about DevRant vs. the fear of them finding your rants you wrote about them

When coworkers have a var dump on a page in production.-_-

I aint saying shit because everytime I mention something they do wrong I get assigned with fixing it. -_-

Explaining to coworkers that it's not Windows XP on my work computer but Windows 7 with classic theme and that it's the same Visual Studio Version than theirs but with a light theme.

I've quit there btw.

I know we're supposed to be a little more anti-social than 'normal people'. But I still love doing something with my coworkers at the end of the day on friday (aside from work)

Coworker:Awe..
Fuck me...
Fuck fuck.... I fucked up...This fucking url..

..... Fuck. ... Pages

Me. What's going on buddy
Co worker: pages are down
Me: that sucks bro watchu do

Co worker: nothing too bad

Me: 😕 .. ok..

..... I'm still hearing the "fuuhhhcks" , and groans.

Guess who's delivering the news ... Does dev rants give stress beers.

That one trolling coworker that makes you appreciate the weekends that much more.

The feeling when you're in the zone for some important tasks and your coworkers just come and seat besides your table, start bullshitting each other with their flights delay stories. I wish there is a dismiss button for this kind of occasions.

How surprising is it when a person designs code in a very clear and impressive structure and just when you think about asking them for guidance, they reveal themselves to be complete turds?

I've been working with this person's "infra" code, at work. I've rewritten some classes to use their infra. I had a vague idea of how the classes work. I had no idea of how their code works. Expectedly, there were some issues but now only minor ones remain.
I asked them for a description of what I'm supposed to do for the few bugs I'm facing. They replied in such a condescending tone, it made me want to punch them through the screen.
Almost a month later, we're still going back and forth with emails. I've been swallowing it and responding calmly. I never got direct answers. Always deflections to irrelevant things or veiled insults. I took it because they did correct one silly error of mine that actually my code reviewer should've caught. (What's worse is that it got introduced by me just before my review and commit.)
But does that give them the right to insult me in front of the whole team including my project manager? I got a reply today from them with everyone of note in cc implying very clearly that I have not done any work. They highlighted a line from my code with some todo tag (that was not meant for them) to make their invalid point. A line that's unrelated to the bug I asked them about. This is after I proved them wrong when they insisted that I had done something wrong about a feature related to the bug.

If you don't understand what I asked for fucking ask me to ask again. But do not fucking try establish yourself on higher ground by pointing out irrelevant things in my code.
I was shocked and enraged that they'd do such a thing. I double checked everything like a mad man. Despite knowing that the fix has to come from them, I was instantly transported to the noob stage, grasping at straws. I wanted to send a really scathing reply right away but my manager asked me to wait.

My mind is now a see saw shifting between a panicked noob questioning every fucking thing I ever did in my nada life and a hungry enraged monster looking to maul that fucking shithead for burning me like that.

My ambition is to develop my own game and publish it, then get a better paying job and to rise above my lazy ass nihilistic order-following coworkers.

When you spend 2 hours brainstorming with your overly-opinionated co-worker before starting work on a feature and their opinion is completely different when your PR goes out. Worse than clients...

Meeting at 'Derp & Co', the topic was what data model should send the back-end to frontend & app via API calls:

- Coworker: 'we should send the data structured like this for reasons'.
- Me: 'Yeah, this nested object.object.object should do the trick for the front end, but this will be a pain in the ass to convert to POJOs. Why not use something like idk better structure?'

<Mad/intrigued faces>

- CoworkerS: 'Why you need to use POJOs?'
- Me: <More Mad> 'cause I work with java in android... and we have/need/like objects?

<Captain Obvious left the room>

- CoworkerS: 'Oh yeah, well... we can do it the way you say'.

Why you need Objects... what is the next?
- Git? For what? Did not have the usb key from day one?

Forgot headphones, noticed coworkers conversation...

If null coalescing operator (??) returns right on null, why doesn't !! Do the opposite?

- boolean beat ya to it.

When coworkers built the shop to allow adding items to cart via url query parameters-_-

/shop/?itemNum=1234&Qty=4

..what?

My team is full of unexperienced coworkers. Some are students (not computer science), some just finished their bachelor but again not in computer science or something related. It is absolutely ok if there are unexperienced coworkers, but that's too many and all I do is teaching the basics of programming.

that feel when I am the only one in team who knows at least one framework.. and coworkers refuse to learn and instead copy and paste code parts from old, insecure apps into new apps... 😐

Fastforwarded a bit, I have LOTR marathon to catch later.. 😋

May your bugs diminish, coworkers grow brains & clients calm the fuck down!!
Happy, better & successful 2018 everyone!!
🍦

Most days, I feel pretty good about my skill and contributions, but I still sometimes worry that I might be the cog with the terrible code that all my coworkers rant about.

Get a DateTime. Convert to a string. Convert back to a DateTime. Use that DateTime to build a string.

WHY.

(it's red because I refactored it; snipped copied from our version control)

Closed MBP and left. Returned to office. Head to a very quiet Starbucks. Open MBP lip. Greeted with a woman's moan. F-ING COWORKERS!

Yea sure, I'd like to refactor your fucking 1000 loc spagetti code "module" with no documentation at all...

In our department, we've to send some reports at different times in the same month, for example, three the first day, one the fifteenth, three the last day...

This was a task assigned to my coworker, but it consumed a lot of time to modify and execute the required querys and write the reports in Excek with the results, so O was assignes to create a program that created the reports automatically.

I asked my coworker for the querys, a lot of times since he "forgot it", and once my program was fully completed him, I asked him to test it and tell me if he saw any errors, if the reports were done correctly, etc... And, twenty days later, when I asked him again, told me that everything was okay, so the whole months of July and August, the reports were done automatically.

Today we've receives a ton of emails about how the reports were not correct, how the information was incomplete and such.

Guess who gave me only half the querys requested. Now I've to do every single of them manually. While my manager rants.

Note to future self: Never trust that guy again, and always re-check everything he checks. This better be a lesson for the future.

Actually in love with Promises, will convince my coworkers to use them as well tomorrow 🔥

Fuck you for asking for my advice and then just disregarding it because it doesn't dovetail with what you were hoping for. You continue to justify your shit code design as "the way it has to be". Bullshit, I just told you other ways to do it. You didn't want to hear it. Open your mind. Learn something new. Be a professional. Your code is ass and you should feel like an ass. Don't ask for my help anymore. Prick.

When you have a dev domain, yet your senior developer coworkers still add "Dev" to their app names..

A coworker brought a French press as well as kettles and everything to our office.

Thank heavens for coworkers like this.

The coffee tastes fucking delicious.

There's megaphones, but some people need a minephone or preferable a STFUphone

Appearently on of my coworkers is working while having a day off. Boss answered the chat with the request to shut the pc because he’s off today :)

Looking through a former developer's drive for their projects folder is kind of like a treasure hunt, only you don't get something good at the end of it usually.

Especially when there's a good reason they're a "former" developer.

Non-standard locations.
Behold, latest deployed code changes are uncommitted.

Alcohol, please save me.

Time to switch to offline and hide in some dark corner to get work done. Tired of all the IM’s and coming over to my desk from 1 person for “critical” work. If they’re all critical then none of them are truly critical. If you sit on the data for 2 months, and then today is the day it becomes critical and the compliance issue is because of your ineptitude then its a you problem not an IT problem. Then on top of that you submit your data to be loaded in the incorrect request form and spreadsheet format you can go fuck yourself asking this be done in an hour. It could be done in 15 minutes if you had it in the correct format as specified in the 20 meetings over the past year which removed all manual analysis and automated the entire process you idiot. Now I have to get it into the correct format in that hour so I don’t have to do the analysis for you.
I have other things to do besides your etl tickets, like finding the actual problems in our actual critical applications. You know the ones where the VP’s of this giant corporation start calling if they go down.
Sorry for the rambling guys.

Story time.

Previous role.
Have a BA working and overseeing the team.
Development is an absolute shit show at the company.
Basically constantly focussed on putting out fires and reeling from the 100 WTF’s a minute thanks to the batshit code the yes-men offshore Indian devs had created.

I’m quite outspoken, and don’t just roll over when people are cunts to me.

I ended up in so many meetings about communication and tone, merely because I wasn’t putting up with the BA’s two-faced cuntery where he tried to be my friend but at the same time be an utter fucking jobsworth.

Genuinely, I really got so close to decking him a few times.

Pic related.

It'd be really nice if my coworkers read the documentation of a framework/tool/library before using it in production.

I am so sick of a senior developer that has no idea how to be a manager. I've been a manager before and it is not that hard. I came into this job thinking that it was going to be a fresh start, but instead all the haunting projects from incompetent developers that worked before me followed me to this team as well... (we are in the same company, just different teams) My boss thinks I'm an "expert" in everything, and everyone else on the team has no idea what is going on. I have to spend all of my time babysitting every other developer, and I don't get any coding done myself, yet I'm still expected to make my deadlines.

I need a new gig so bad I'm sick. The stress level is getting pretty bad. I've already had cancer once. I don't want to go through it again... Plz hlp

That moment when you get your first job after getting your degree and one of your co-workers with about 5 years of experience asks you what is a static class because he never used one...

I mean come on... You have 5 years of xp and never used a static before? x)

This project is going places...

It's been 3 busy weeks. Had so much to rant about, but I could lurk at best.

We had 2 big features coming to 2 different projects. I told my boss it's take 3 weeks for the one I was working on. The guy working on the other one, said he only needed 1 for his. Guess who got labeled as negative, worrying too much over nothing, and so forth? Especially since a "much more complex" feature would take just 1 week!

Whatever. Fast forward to this week. I was done by tuesday, including testing of both features and deployment. By wednesday, I had even a good looking documentation. Everything was ready. EXCEPT. The 2 features have to go live together, due to various reasons. Guess who ia still a ling way from completing his task? Gueas who asked to postpone his deadline by 2 weeks? Guess who's gonna have to work on weekends for no extra pay?

Guess what? I know how to give an eatimate, and I rather be "negative" and schedule 1 or 2 extra days to be prepared for hiccups and what not rather than having to waste my free time for nothing.

FFS.

Heres a rant you dont see everyday, the lazy gits in my office who dont clean up after themselves. Go to the kitchen to make coffee only to be confronted by a mountain of dishes, the peak of which may have been level with High Hrothgar. Had to dry them and put them away before I could really even move. Like just wash something after you use it, then take the extra 20 seconds to dry it and put it away, dont just rinse it and then leave it sitting there. AAARRRGGGHHHH

Today someone took a shit and didn't flush...

Normally you have your typical candidates, who are pissing standing in the stalls although there are free urinals, people who don't wash their hands after pissing or just splash like 3 fingers with water. Even not washing hands after taking a dump, which is pretty disgusting... But today? Some dude in the stall next to me took a shit, wiped his butt... and went away... No flushing no washing hands... Wtf is wrong with people?

heart attack in 3... 2...

🤔 I don't.. 😐 Unless after work beer with coworkers counts aswell..

Anyone ever wanted to fire one of his/hers absolutely useless coworkers?

Having a hard time deciding whether to get a mechanical keyboard for work or not... Satisfying typing and annoyed coworkers, or shitty apple keyboard cancer...