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been a couple of years since I was last active here.
Source Engine still has its claws on me today - but Nii broke free and properly got into other engines and made some cool projects! We both study different stuff now.
I tried to get into Unity a couple of times now, even made a small VR grappling hook prototype once (def not nauseating). But it's hell. It's kinda sad that modern engines don't understand the needs of level designers as well as Source's Hammer. Even though Source is outdated af.
Thing is, I am more and more starting to doubt that this is what I wanna do in life. Game industry sucks. Ad industry sucks even more. I might just become a tree and produce oxygen.
2 -
Quited my Job.
So... How to spend half a salary in a day...
Go to the shrink after like 3 years of not completing my burn out treatment.
Btw been having health problems lately, incapacitating stuff.
Got so many medication that im using a grossery bag.
Also had to quit my job... I just can't work can barely think, have no strength and a pressure in my head all day.
Now.. I was a temp, working in shifts on a shitty badly paid job, so fk it. 3 weeks down time, then I just quitted...
Now, on my parents house, getting 1 day of sick leave means a person doesn't want to work... How am I gonna tell them that I quitted... Lol
A few years ago I had to ear stuff like your lazy and don't want to work up to the day I got couth trying to cut my wrists... And I'm against suicide.
Now I dont know if I should hope my recent health problems are burn out related or not... Because some of the other possibilities are quite bad... I mean worst.
Can't think, fealing depressed because I hate to not be able to give 100%... And I just keep looking at my CNC machine... Finnaly got enough pieces to finish my project, but I can't get the will to do so... And it's there, in front of me, the opportunity to create my own job...
Life sucks5 -
I was in a Meta workshop for PhD candidates, and they spoke about some of their programs. Meta is financing (paying the tuition fees + salary) for PhD students in Oxford and UCL. Could be interesting for people who wanted to go for a PhD in the UK but could not afford it because UK's higher education system sucks.
There was also a coding interview preparation session, and it was honestly nice to hear from them exactly what they expect from their candidates.
But maybe I have positive feeling about this event just because I went to a fucking Green Day concert an hour later, and it was the best day of my pitiful life.4 -
!dev
1. It's one of those few times in life that listening to Lq's Numb doesn't make me feel less anxious. Or Somewhere I Belong. Either way, anxiety levels are on all time high.
2. I have completely lost appetite. Usually at this point in time I'd go to doctor and ask for Xanax or something similar, to chill for a few days. But covid. I ain't going to any clinic, plus, ain't nobody got time for that.
3. On top of everything, I am also PMSing. The lack of energy, times n. (n>10)
4. Struggling to get out of bed for hours is now a reality.
5. I'm glad ("glad" is exaggeration tho) this will pass in a few weeks. I am hanging on to that hope and experience tells me it will pass. But my feelings are like "nah, we doomed. Let's just run away. Or just sleep until it all passes or we die of starvation."
6. My brain must work for the next few days. If I have to push it by drowning it in sugar, I will. But I'm also obese rn. Well, I guess it's "Hello diabetes!".
7. My hands and feet are cold. Like, freezing cold. Meanwhile, the rest of me is sweating. This sucks. Ngl.
8. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. Like, those last stabby stabs moments in a battle where you know you're gonna fall down soon. I know this feeling of doom and gloom is PMS related, but it's there. I have no solution for that aside from nicotine and sugar.
9. I can't even cry. Which is sad.
... Do you see what's happening there? That's the loop I'm in.5 -
!tech
yesterday i completed around 5 months of working out 5 days/week. this has been incredibly hard as i never worked out for more than 2 days in my 24 years on earth.
but i took a pic of mine in the mirror and my fat belly gave me the most depressing sight to see and question whether it was worth the effort.
i mean, surely i can do 50+ pushups now and have started seeing a few changes in shoulder/ chest area, and a few friends/collegues have appreciated my working out habit , but not getting out the only area that i want to go away, this sucks :/
tbh my plan was to see where this experiment of creating a new hobby goes and i did not do the hard steps (like doing cardio more than body part workouts and taking calorie deficit diet). am also a vegan and didn't consumed any fitness products like creaine nd stuff, so not a very nutrition rich diet.
guess i can't ignore the hard steps anymore . just once in my life if i could get a split chiseled stomach :/ (and maybe some cute girlfriend)6 -
Future01
Click, click, click, click.
Tap, tap, tap, tap.
Swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe,.
Scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll.
I’m tired of living on popularity driven planet among animals, where number of clicks on likes, subscriptions and links are worth more than iq, education and experience.
Let’s face it - AI is showing us traffic driven recommendations that sucks. If you’re hooked up to social network and can’t disconnect from it you’re half way to matrix. You probably also disagree with me cause you’re serotonin junkie. You can’t stop like you can’t stop eating for a day. Bubble have you in your hands and whatever you do you probably won’t wake up. To be honest most of us won’t. It’s already to late.
I’m waiting for meta so they can put you in virtual world where you can have what you want and at the same time own nothing. They will put you in some small empty space and give you something to eat how many times you want so you can feel safe and click, tap, swipe, scroll more so they can own this planet.
You will be living only to deliver corporate metadata and you will be happy, cause they will make you happy with giving you emotions that you want to feel at exact moment.
If you get out, you won’t be able to interact cause you won’t know how to behave, you will become wild animal.
By going out you will break the law, cause outside world will be long gone. To move to bar or visit family you will travel with autonomous vehicle that have screens instead of windows.
Eventually you stop going to bar cause it’s unhealthy, you stop going outside cause there’s deadly virus and you can die.
They will take you last thing later with birth control so you can have baby whenever you want and with who you want as long as both parties agree by signing baby nft contract, you don’t have to take care of your baby and be pregnant cause it will be robotized, you will see your baby in meta. You will think you feel it using robot hands.
You will never meet your baby in person.
That’s how matrix will start. We’re half way.6 -
for the life of me I cannot figure out in my mind how to structure this project I want to start, and jumping right into coding does not improve this mental block.
At work this Golang code base has a clean architecture, so easy to maintain and extend, and I'm unable to replicate it on my own project(s). It sucks to be an ignorant.2 -
you know what annoys me about this situation the most ?
noone is living an ideal life
in any sense
except a few
but that being said, living less than ideal life if people had not wasted so much time, would have led to certain things becoming better.
example.
if i was out of development work, and had to take a crap job.
and lets say that ended up putting me in a financially unstable situation.
if i had rotten teeth, i could work part time, go to a sliding scale place and fix them one by one
while either educating myself further or looking for a better job because in truth, if i'm accepting a part time job, i must be fucked.
i don't see any longevity in an intensely physical job, I see an early death.
there are not enough paying people to ensure everyone has a skilled job, and truthfully not everyone can, but we have more people than we need to do the unskilled and skilled jobs both so why are we not running with that ?
the best time to do unskilled labor or just labor jobs period is when a person is young and there body is new.
and then not for long or with accommodation considering throwing your back out or fucking up your knees stays with you for life.
everything is so backwards in this country.
people think in terms so frequently these days in 'how can i make someone else suffer for my amusement and see their potential diminished so i feel better about my fucked up pathetic life ?'
or
'how can i get revenge against a person that doesn't deserve it'
or
'how can i ensure other people are totally boned so my charmed life i don't deserve seems satisfying'
its pretty gross as are these people
well fast forward years later and life appears fairly repetitive for alot of people
took a very large of detours here, had some fun, experienced some fucked up horros, saw a few wonders which were mostly based off my ideas, and some that were not.
still i return to what is to be done about our unfair, wasteful system ?
I've always been a fan of removing people's 'excuses' to neglect their children for example.
and definitely blocking all avenues of abuse.
even unintended, or pretended to be unintended.
i also hate people who smell because they don't clean themselves, and use excuses for that
I also hate people who make other people live in a situation where they can't take care of themselves and then try to dominate places they seek refuge because our fucking system sucks.
I also hate that there is more food than people can eat and restaurants closing when there are hungry people.
i also despise that we have more vacant houses in this country than we have family units.
some are just rotting away from neglect.
and i most especially hate people who get off on watching whole landscapes decay.
there is tons of work for the proper people
some of it is hard
some of it is tedious
its these kind of tasks that are necessary
the right spirit and the RIGHT COMPENSATION and the work gets done.. hopefully.
starting out with placing everyone in means to eat and sleep and clean themselves seems the most important.
everything else is icing on the cake, because by and large many people get sick of doing the same exact things, and people hate staring at the wall.
the problem is, there are alot of people who are, due to extreme damages from our modified culture, extremely abnormal, sadistic and untrustworthy around... anyone.
so with more time on their hands, they get bored and turn destructive and antisocial and breed people to be worse.
years I've been preaching this.
same people fly past in man places.
here and there some new fool marches in, eyes sparkling with malevolence, only to get caught in the same eternal loop and be absorbed into it.
i haven't seen one such as myself that I know of, that showed up with every intention of changing their life, becoming friendly with people, finding the things they enjoyed, and improving themselves intellectually, emotionally and socially; searching for an environment filled with more people who would be helpful to this extent, getting a rude awakening and realizing how horrible their country was becoming.
don't know if I should be happy being alone as the only sane person. heh.
I really don't want to be. I just want us to be happy. this is deserved after so much hardship. after seeing how people in general have become.
oh we all have lusts and vices and shortcomings, but the gulf that had grown between ordinary folk and the general population is astoundingly wide.8 -
People need to drive fucking less all over !
The air quality sucks !
No wonder these things are aging so rapidly I spent most of my life in the mountains and didn't even know it !16 -
So, the reason the world sucks, is they look at restoring everything to a livable situation as going backwards.
Back to a better time
Back before a person knew something
would have saved us all a lot more youth life and hardship if they'd pulled their heads out of their asses and realized the generalized TRENDS are not hard and fast rules like they try to make them.
Easier for nothing to be forever most especially if they didn't lie so much. Like saying someone is dead who is not, or someone is alive who is not, or messing with someones finances or stress levels or pretending that a person isn't able to return to a profession after a hiatus or that hardship that makes a person blameless for unemployment etc is a life ender because some younger idiot is always on the way.
or how about just the dynamic of losing everything due to losing/leaving a job, being incarcerated, or having a health problem. these things are ALL exploitable concepts that are taken advantage of every day when they should be insulated against so society can thrive and be safeguarded against the most warped members of the human race.
if we wrote code the way they govern or live everytime someone kicked their box something would work, and everytime they hit enter more than once their machine would overheat and turn off.
hell or if you waited a few seconds it would delete your whole database. -
Friday is always such a significant day because you know what's up next? WEEKEND BABY but I am up since 4am after four hours of sleep (it's 5am now), because well life sometimes sucks like that, and the only thing keeping my brain from going gaga is work so I am working since 4am to probably 7,8pm
Fml and wish me luck8 -
Today marks the second day of me having to build an email template and I never hated anything more in my life than that. WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO COMPLICATED? WHY CAN'T THEY UPGRADE THEIR STUPID RENDERING ENGINES SO WE CAN USE MORE MODERN METHODS?!? Sorry but I don't want to create an E-Mail and having to pretend its 1995. The table view is so outdated and I'm aware of the fact that some clients support divs but not Outlook (Outlook itself sucks pretty hard but thats another story). I just wanna be able to use grid, flex, etc. to build my template.
I HATE MY LIFE5 -
I've never been diagnosed but I'm certain I have ADHD, I get distracted extremely easily with absolutely "whatever" and it completely destroys my performance, I bet people think I'm dumb when in fact when I'm finally able to concentrate I can do things. It fucking sucks, feels like a curse. I realized I failed college because of this. Now I fear losing my job.
Right now I'm about to embark upon a great night of trying to catch up with shit I should have done earlier, which I *might* be able to focus on. I have no fun in life because I don't allow myself to, I somehow attained a relationship with someone and now that too is going to shambles because I spend so much time *trying* to do things and can't bring myself to doing them, and that time is stolen from that which I should spend with people I love and just enjoying life. I fucking hate this. I fucking hate it.
Also, I have this feature which I'm supposed to implement, and they tell me it's just an MVP which we'll use to test waters to see if people will use the functionality, it just has to work... which it does by now, but then they keep adding things before ever releasing. I feel so anxious about this and I didn't even take the job for good pay because I was desperate to leave another job which wasn't even in development. I don't want to fail this, I want to prosper as a developer. I actually wanted to do systems programming and game development, but here I am doing web shit.
Oh well. I shall throw myself unto thee.9 -
i am 24 and i feel like i am making some very bad choices with money.
my last few regretful stuff:
- i bought a phone when i found my current one (less than 6 months old) to be slightly less peformant. what's worse is that i don't even like that phone i purchased a lower end phone just coz i felt like experiencing a new phone brand!
- i bought an earpods when i lost my old one. whats worse is that they are lost somewhere at home, and i might find them once i life some beds and other heavy stuff ( although i searched significantly)
- i bought a freaking macbook some months ago. i guess that's not a majorly had investment but its being rarely used as i can't play any games in it(feel like it's a good thing though) and i have to sometimes vsit my old hp laptop to run some softwares as m1 sometimes sucks
- i got into an argument with my dad and recently slammed their phone on floor, then bought them a new one . i regret my angry self that day
- i got myself a personal trainer at gym for additional fees even though i am a beginner. our gym has 4 trainers and they provide basic directions for free of cost , i did not needed that guy.
- i recently bought a few track suits which , although i don't regret buying, i felt that i could get them at cheaper price at my local markets.
plus there are many other stuff that if i look into my amazon or flipkart history , i will regret more.
i need help with this shit. i am spending like 5-20% of my salary on regretful stuff, so its not a bad ratio but i still need to control.
send help :'(12
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