CSS can kill you!

These guys were studying for a Java exam...from PRINTED OUT PHONE PICTURES OF CODE ON THEIR SCREENS

I had to go help marketing with a website UI issue today:

Me: What version of IE are you using?
Her: Oh my god! Did you say virgin?
Me: No, "Version".
Her: Hahaha you guys I thought he asked what virgin am I using!
*room erupts into laughter*

WTF is this high school?

Train conversation between 3 girls:

A: "Oh, I've got 4G.. "
B: "What, we have 4G!?"
C: "OMG I HATE 4G!"
A: "Yeah, it's almost as slow as E"
C: "I know, right?!"
.....
Kill me pls

"The difference between SSDs and HDDs is that HDDs store data on spinning CDs inside the drive"
-- a 3rd year CS student

Spinning CDs?? CDs?!?!?

Sitting on the bus updating my system.
Random girl: What are you using?
Me: Linux :).
Random girl: Ohh I use Mac, because that doesn't have viruses and can't get hacked!

*me waiting for a cliff to jump off*

kill -9 me

Every. Class. In. It's. Own. Project.

I..
Want..
To murder...
Someone...

Yes, that's an 18 arguments constructor.. there's 21 other classes and I'm afraid of looking into them.

I’m a senior dev at a small company that does some consulting. This past October, some really heavy personal situation came up and my job suffered for it. I raised the flag and was very open with my boss about it and both him and my team of 3 understood and were pretty cool with me taking on a smaller load of work while I moved on with some stuff in my life. For a week.

    Right after that, I got sent to a client. “One month only, we just want some presence there since it’s such a big client” alright, I guess I can do that. “You’ll be in charge of a team of a few people and help them technically.” Sounds good, I like leading!

    So I get here. Let’s talk technical first: from being in a small but interesting project using Xamarin, I’m now looking at Visual Basic code, using Visual Studio 2010. Windows fucking Forms.

    The project was made by a single dev for this huge company. She did what she could but as the requirements grew this thing became a behemoth of spaghetti code and User Controls. The other two guys working on the project have been here for a few months and they have very basic experience at the job anyways. The woman that worked on the project for 5 years is now leaving because she can’t take it anymore.

    And that’s not the worse of it. It took from October to December for me to get a machine. I literally spent two months reading on my cellphone and just going over my shitty personal situation for 8 hours a day. I complained to everyone I could and nothing really worked.

    Then I got a PC! But wait… no domain user. Queue an extra month in which I could see the Windows 7 (yep) log in screen and nothing else. Then, finally! A domain user! I can log in! Just wait 2 extra weeks for us to give your user access to the subversion rep and you’re good to go!

    While all of this went on, I didn’t get an access card until a week ago. Every day I had to walk to the reception desk, show my ID and request they call my boss so he could grant me access. 5 months of this, both at the start of the day and after lunch. There was one day in particular, between two holidays, in which no one that could grant me access was at the office. I literally stood there until 11am in which I called my company and told them I was going home.

    Now I’ve been actually working for a while, mostly fixing stuff that works like crap and trying to implement functions that should have been finished but aren’t even started. Did I mention this App is in production and being used by the people here? Because it is. Imagine if you will the amount of problems that an application that’s connecting to the production DB can create when it doesn’t even validate if the field should receive numeric values only. Did I mention the DB itself is also a complete mess? Because it is. There’s an “INDEXES” tables in which, I shit you not, the IDs of every other table is stored. There are no Identity fields anywhere, and instead every insert has to go to this INDEXES table, check the last ID of the table we’re working on, then create a new registry in order to give you your new ID. It’s insane.

   

    And, to boot, the new order from above is: We want to split this app in two. You guys will stick with the maintenance of half of it, some other dudes with the other. Still both targeting the same DB and using the same starting point, but each only working on the module that we want them to work in. PostmodernJerk, it’s your job now to prepare the app so that this can work. How? We dunno. Why? Fuck if we care. Kill you? You don’t deserve the swift release of death.

    Also I’m starting to get a bit tired of comments that go  ‘THIS DOESN’T WORK and ‘I DON’T KNOW WHY WE DO THIS BUT IT HELPS and my personal favorite  ‘??????????????????????

Don't kill him!!😂

Kill me now

*casually programming stuff*
*Sudden need to open cmd arises*

Me: *opens cmd and starts typing, when it hits me*
"Fuck"

Friend: "what happended?"

Me: "i forgot to turn on hackermode"
*enters "color 0a"*
"Better"

Friend: *chuckles angerly*

This has always been one of my favorites.

Its a joke
please don't kill me :(

Pro tip:

Although 'hmm either kill it or if that doesn't work, sacrifice some of its children' is a perfectly valid sentence in the sysadmin world, it's not in public.

😅

So I was with my friends on the subway and we were talking about an assigment we have due this week with trees in Java. I got to say, the face on the old ladie next to us when we said "we must kill all the children left in the tree" was just epic! She must thought we were talking about beating some little kids or something... 😅

10 levels deep code,
3K+ Lines,
No indentation.

ლ(ಠ益ಠლ)

*on the phone with a client*
Important detail: in Dutch we call a colon a "double point" and a semicolon a "point comma".

Me: go to {url} and put double point followed by {something} behind it.
Client: *tries for 5 minutes, suggestions forth and back*
Me: how did you type the double points?
Client: I typed two points. (..)

The level of retardness I thought existed got worse once again.

At that moment the open window seemed like a veeery good option 😭

Available for all platforms

I AM A FUCKING IDIOT!!!!!!
I have a setDelta(float newdelta) function that set newdelta to the old delta!
Fucking hell!
I even made a fool of myself on stack overflow! Kill me now please!

The only place where it's okie for a parent to kill its child #programming

Forgot my headphones at home, Monday can't be worse

Well, here's the OS rant I promised. Also apologies for no blog posts the past few weeks, working on one but I want to have all the information correct and time isn't my best friend right now :/

Anyways, let's talk about operating systems. They serve a purpose which is the goal which the user has.
So, as everyone says (or, loads of people), every system is good for a purpose and you can't call the mainstream systems shit because they all have their use.

Last part is true (that they all have their use) but defining a good system is up to an individual. So, a system which I'd be able to call good, had at least the following 'features':
- it gives the user freedom. If someone just wants to use it for emailing and webbrowsing, fair enough. If someone wants to produce music on it, fair enough. If someone wants to rebuild the entire system to suit their needs, fair enough. If someone wants to check the source code to see what's actually running on their hardware, fair enough. It should be up to the user to decide what they want to/can do and not up to the maker of that system.
- it tries it's best to keep the security/privacy of its users protected. Meaning, by default, no calling home, no integrating users within mass surveillance programs and no unnecessary data collection.
- Open. Especially in an age of mass surveillance, it's very important that one has the option to check the underlying code for vulnerabilities/backdoors. Can everyone do that, nope. But that doesn't mean that the option shouldn't be there because it's also about transparency so you don't HAVE to trust a software vendor on their blue eyes.
- stability. A system should be stable enough for home users to use. For people who like to tweak around? Also, but tweaking *can* lead to instability and crashes, that's not the systems' responsibility.

Especially the security and privacy AND open parts are why I wouldn't ever voluntarily (if my job would depend on it, sure, I kinda need money to stay alive so I'll take that) use windows or macos. Sure, apple seems to care about user privacy way more than other vendors but as long as nobody can verify that through source code, no offense, I won't believe a thing they say about that because no one can technically verify it anyways.

Some people have told me that Linux is hard to use for new/(highly) a-technical people but looking at my own family and friends who adapted fast as hell and don't want to go back to windows now (and mac, for that matter), I highly doubt that. Sure, they'll have to learn something new. But that was also the case when they started to use any other system for the first time. Possibly try a different distro if one doesn't fit?

Problems - sometimes hard to solve on Linux, no doubt about that. But, at least its open. Meaning that someone can dive in as deep as possible/necessary to solve the problem. That's something which is very difficult with closed systems.

The best example in this case for me (don't remember how I did it by the way) was when I mounted a network drive at boot on windows and Linux (two systems using the same webDav drive). I changed the authentication and both systems weren't in for booting anymore. Hours of searching how to unfuck this on windows - I ended up reinstalling it because I just couldn't find a solution.
On linux, i found some article quite quickly telling to remove the entry for the webdav thingy from fstab. Booted into a root recovery shell, chrooted to the harddrive, removed the entry in fstab and rebooted. BAM. Everything worked again.

So yeah, that's my view on this, I guess ;P

I hate Internet Explorer, I hate Microsoft for developing it, I hate people using it and I hate companies forcing their employees to use it 😤

Because apparently this douchebag thought writing else is too mainstream. And indentation, that is for noobs.

The newest iPhone really seems like a top notch smartphone!

Please don’t kill me 😅

So, if my data is in the Cloud, does it fall when it rains?

FUCK YOU PHP!!!! FUCKING HELL JUST FUCK THE HELL OFF YOU PIECE OF SHIT.
8 GOD FORSAKEN HOURS SPENT TRYING TO ZIP SOME SHITTY FUCKING FILES IN A FOLDER ON MY WEB SERVER TO HAVE THEM DOWNLOADED TO MY CLIENT COMPUTER.... 8 HOURS UNABLE TO OPEN THE DAMN FILE AND THE ISSUE WAS "echo" & "print_r()" STATEMENTS GETTING TRAPPED IN MY ZIPARCHIVE BUFFER MAKING THE ZIP FILE A GIANT PILE OF UNREADABLE SHIT.
HOW IN GODS NAME WERE THOSE FUCKERS EVEN BEING ADDED TO THE ZIP FILE.

Fucking hell. Time to sleep.

Relatives: What does he do as a job?
Mom: He's an informatician, he tinkers with computers
Me: No, I'm a programmer.
Relatives: Is it computer related?
Me: Yes, but..
Relative: Sounds like an informatician to me.

I'm so tempted to say that I butcher animals, but I'm afraid they'll think I'm a veterinarian.

When dealing with the ignorant!

> be me
> install linux on encrypted drive
> takes 8 hours to fill the drive with fake data so theres no chance of data leakage
> save encryption password to phone
> phone doesnt actually save password
> realize you dont have access to pc anymore
> cry
> reinstall linux

When you fix one small bug and then 150+ tests start failing

Yesterday, I had a meeting to prepare today's meeting, which goal is to prepare tomorrow's meeting... 😣

Apparently, clients/managers favorite acronym is ASAP.

Holy crap, look at the Sun Microsystems Type 6 keyboard.

That's like hell on your desk.

The reason i want to murder some people -
Me : Hey, can you print 3 copies of this file
* giving my pen drive to the guy *
Guy : I don't accept pen drives, they might infect my computer.
Me : This has been formatted in my linux and never used in any other windows machine.
Guy : Linux is virus
Me : *whispering* Please die

That moment when you Google an error and there are zero results.

KILL ME. 😵

When you're writing documentation at half past midnight

Client: "Hey we want you to integrate your product with our system."
Me: "Oh, OK. Where's your API?"
Client: "Here! We even have an outdated .Net SDK, we use XML."
Me: "Ok.. how do we authenticate? What's your OAuth 2.0 endpoint?"
Client: "O auth what?"
Me: " You know, the current standard for REST API authentication and authorisation"
Client: " What's REST?"
*Hungs up*

Boss: Have you finished that feature?
Me: Almost there, i'm refactoring some classes...
Boss: What? Refactor? But thisnis a new feature, it does not need refactor! We don't have time for this!
Me: 😵🔫

This is what happen when you care about code quality.

So I was playing Formula 1 game and I heard “push, push, push” from the engineer while leaving pit-lane.

I immediately closed game and started “git push”

Well, it all started off with hardware-level programming involving jumpers and stuff like that... Then came Assembly, which was good.. B, C compilers. Finally came the interpreted languages, and that's where in my opinion the abstraction should've ended. But no, we needed more frameworks, more libraries, even more abstraction! Where does it end? As it seems to be going, I guess that users will have kid toys - no iToys! - for electronics and we'll be programming on with bloated Scratch GUI's. Nothing against Scratch, but that shit ain't proper programming anymore. God I can't wait for the future.

ABSTRACT ALL THE THINGS!!!

Oh and not to mention that all software will be governed in political correctness by some Alex SJW AI shit that became sentient. Not a single programming term will be non-offensive anymore, no matter how hard you try to not offend anyone, or God forbid - don't care about it because you just want to make something that's readable, usable and working!! Terms, UI names for buttons, heck even icons! REMOVE IT BECAUSE IT OFFENDS SOMEONE THAT I DON'T EVEN KNOW JACK SHIT ABOUT!!!

Guess everybody has access to me now...

My friend loves Dreamweaver... And continuously says that he doesn't understand what people see in it that is so wrong... It does the job right?...... Fucking blind...

Uses a bootstrap plugin which generates HTML code for bootstrap.
I did not know this at the time.

Comes to me the night before submission.
He: Dude i need help quick! I've got the presentation tomorrow morning and bootstrap fucked up the links to my style sheets or something, my page is broken and won't work. I should have done what you did and gone for Foundation...
Me: Yeah, because the bootstrap framework definitely affects the style links...
He: help me out man, please! I can't do this anymore!

I had my submission the day after him to prepare still...

Me: Teamviewer. Now.

Log on to Teamviewer.
See what he's using to code...
Dreamweaver..... Niiiiice....

I go through the code. There are empty divs with &nbsc; in them everywhere.. some HTML elements haven't been closed, no comments, indentation seems to be completely random. All the usual shit storm of a novice web designer.
The only thing is, this guy I know knows how to indent, I've seen his previous work. Why is this so horrible then???
I ask what the hell happened, it looked like a nuclear explosion happened!

He: Yeah I'm using this great plugin for Dreamweaver which lets me click and it puts in Bootstrap elements! It's great!

........ You're blaming the bootstrap framework for affecting your links to your stylesheets, you're using an elements generator, you're not checking what the FUCK it puts into your code, not fixing the indenting, not checking the standard HTML rules are followed AND YOU WONDER WHY IT'S BROKEN???

Kill me now.

Beginner: I wrote 1,000 lines of code!
Intermediate: I deleted 1,000 lines of code!
Expert: I prevented code from being written!

Discovered one of the worst db designs ever:

- A cust is inserted in a table.
- The insert trigger is fired, calling a stored proc
- The stored proc being called creates a dynamic sql that builds a create table statement for 8 different tables. These tables will be postfixed with the newly-created cust id and is executed.

When querying info for a cust, a stored proc is used that accepts an id value would be appended to another dynamic sql that creates a select statement across all 8 tables for one customer.

Shoot me now.

People, for God's sake PLEASE at least try to understand the code you are copy-pasting ... now I have to debug a weird function because of someone who didn't.

Never seen anything more cringy than the "hacking" scenes in the new Fast and Furious movie... -.-

Thank to “Weekly Rant 119” we all had to clean the place where working, eating, gaming, chilling, sex, porno watching, bugs fighting ,duck fucking, etc etc etc.

Salute to @dfox !

I HOPED I WOULDN'T BE BALD AS MY DAD BUT AT THIS RATE I WILL BE HAIRLESS FROM TEARING IT OUT ON MY BLOODY OWN

I got hired for cleaning up a 2 year project of rushed spaghetti code , where they previously only had 1 programmer aND HE WROTE 37 THOUSAND LINES OF CODE!

OH WE NEED A NEW FEATURE?! LEMME JUST RESEARCH THIS COMMENT-LESS CRAP FOR MULTIPLE MILLENIA BEFORE I CAN GRASP WHAT THE FLYING FRICKIN FRIDGE CODE DOES

To top it off, I've about ONE MONTH LEFT BEFORE BETA RELEASE TO FIX THE CODE!

I'm super grateful for this job as it's my first programming job BUT I'M GONNA SET THE REPOSITORY ON FIRE SOON AAAAHHHHHH

HOW CAN YOU, THE PREVIOUS PROGRAMMER, WORK IN THIS ENVIRONMENT WHERE MOSTLY ALL FILES ARE +2000 ROWS OF UNDOCUMENTED CODE

OH AND JUST GOT A MESSAGE FROM THE PREVIOUS PROGRAMMER:
"You can just remove the unused code and refractor it some, izi"

IZI MY SHITTY POOP CAR
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Now with that out of the way, how would you recommend handling a stressful release deadline?

”Can’t you install the new update while the computer is turned off?”

Things I hear at work..

Day 2 of writing documentation: still ready to go insane from repeating myself and am reconsidering everything I have ever done in my life...

And in one foul swoop I am unemployed with bills due, an engagement ring to pay off and medical shit... This is fine

Kill me...

At school @desjna and I are working on a project where we have to make a website.

In wix.

I just said "fuck that, I'm doing it in HTML / css "

Also.. this is in the class with the teacher that thinks I'm hacking... My go-to web-dev environment is tmux with green text and black background... This is going to be "fun"

Predictions on how long I can make it without him flipping at me?

>be me
>drop out of uni studying civil engineering
>"self-taught" "web programmer"
>start freelancing in 2010
>Make money, feels good man
>clients keep me busy, feel important
>Code just for the fun of it
>be 2019. Married, code to make ends meet
>lose all interest
>mere sight of the ide makes me want to bash the screen
>have zero motivation
>never get any projects done
>become broke af
>look at old friends on fb. They are "Something".
>look at real software engineers and programmers with education
>realize I am an imposter
>start dropping all projects and studying theory
>become more broke
>start taking "motivation pills" to just start working again
>lose all motivation and pissed at all the real programmers and engineers for their success
>be me on May 20, 2019 at 2:56 AM
Yep, this is the end.

Rant 2/n; 😎 = me, 💩 = client
The (brief but comprehensive) docs I sent my client contained the following line: "Any text that has not been translated will be highlighted yellow for the admins".

A day later:
💩: "Hey, I like the new design, but why are the titles yellow?"
😎: "They aren't actually yellow. You just see that because you're logged in and they aren't translated"
💩: "But the yellow doesn't look good with the design. Visitors will think it looks unprofessional. Make them not yellow!"
😎: "They won't see the yellow! Only you can see it so you don't miss any translations"
💩: "Hi, I just noticed some of the titles aren't in English. How do I translate them? And they're still yellow."

😐🙁😠😡🤬💥

Kill me

So, should I refactor this into a .greatGreatGrandParent() method, or should I just go hang myself?
(Thanks former colleague for this gem)

Shit! I knew buzzwords were overused, but I just saw an ad and it is fucking jesused jambled bananas in the ass.

Starts with a woman looking out the window and there’s a tornado (seems ok for now)

The tornado approaches and IT IS MADE OF FUCKING NON MONOSPACED IN MY ASS FONTED 0s AND 1s. Bonus point: they are green !!

Switches to lines of GREEN code (kill my fucking brain with a pistol attached to your dick right now)
Probably JS or something similar in syntax.

And then: A FUCKING GUY LEANING OVER POINTING SOMETHING ON THE SCREEN! HIS NAMETAG:

Logan Paul
Blockchain

👏👏👏👏

And then some other buzzing asses armagedon en d of the fucking world bleeding edge vibrator buzzwords shenanigans.

Finishes with drones shot flying between businesses building with 3d floating words like

Blockchain!

Artificial Intelligence

Deep learning

Etc.

KILLLLLL MMMEEEE FU748-KFJV ING 3I6HT N0W $)&(&($8#;&(&8 jeiebc

RAM- please stop :'(
chrome- OH yeah baby ;)

FUCK DEVS WHO DO NOT ACTUALLY LIKE CODING AND JUST DO IT FOR THE MONEY. YOU IDIOTS(or at least 17 of you) ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE UTTER GARBAGE SPAGHETTI I'M DEALING WITH!

GO DIE IN HELL YOU MOTHERFUCKERS, CODE FROM PASSION NOT JUST FOR MONEY OR YOU'LL GET DUCKTAPED FLAMING PILES OF JENGA GARBAGE YOU CALL APIs!
COME TO ME RIGHT NOW, WHERE YOU'LL SUCK MY DICK, BEFORE I'LL KILL YOU WITH A CACTUS AND BLEACH.
OH, AND DON'T BEG FOR ANYONE FOR MERCY, YOU'LL GET NOTHING!

They said, try new unit tests...

Client: I need a blog with 3 categories.

Designer: cool, let's have every post teaser in the home look diferent depending on the category.

Me (Dev): Ok...

Client: *sees actual design with different looking posts depending on category* I like it! Let's go!

Me: *codes the site*

Client: It's cool but in the home the posts look different... Could we make them look the same?

Me:...

Having to implement full text and filter search on JSON data using ElasticSearch on a Django app within 24 hours...

Sure client. Should I also insert this flaming metal cactus inside of myself?

Windows, you were installed yesterday. What the fuck are you updating???

I feel guilty for being such a murderer.
I killed Cortana so many times over, but her ghost keeps coming back to haunt me.

Oh my fucking god I deserve to be shot for my stupidity.
I spent an hour in absolute fear trying to figure out what was wrong with my PC - it would boot but the monitor wouldn't show anything.

I'd forgotten that I'd changed to monitor to show HDMI input - but I was using a HDMI-to-VGA converter so the monitor should have been set to VGA input :/

On the presentation for my database project my team and I showed a NodeJS + Mongo + VueJS project with cloud storage capability, nothing fancy but did everything from scratch (from token auth and system encryption to the frontend CSS and the database) the teacher made some questions and meh'd at it.

Behold team two's project, WordPress with a standard template and phpMyAdmin, teacher loves it because "it's so beautiful"

Guess who just failed that class?

God I love college, it's the best time investment I've ever done and it'll surely pay out.

Me at midnight: let's release a demo build

Me at 1 am: why are there so many bugs? Why won't it compile.

Me at 2 am: omg finally compiled. Runs it, buttons don't work. Closes it, reopens it. Buttons work.

Me at 3 am: let's write apologetic posts for the bugs, but post the version anyway

Me at 4 am: why do I advertise in so many places

Me at 5 am: let's update the patreon reward tiers

Me at 5:30 am: nah fuck this, going to bed.

Mom at 9 am: wake the hell up we need you to dig out a hill and build a stone wall around one side of the house.

Me: omg wtf why.

Me at 2:30 pm: why the hell are we doing this, I have so many bugs to patch and everyone knows they are there because I told them all!

Manager: Morning Alex, how are you?

My Brain: I'm fan-fucking-tastic, I've had 1 hour of sleep, hurt my back, feels like my tail bone is broken, struggling to walk, every piece of code I've written for the past 3 day's has been a complete waste of time and I'm at work...

Me actually: Good thanks .-.

It was on purpose I swear.

HOW MANY TIMES MUST I INSTALL ARCH LINUX INCORRECTLY!?!?

Today I've found dead pixels on screen of my laptop 😖😢

You know what's worse than hell?

Your non-technical boss thinking he knows coding.

In the middle of night you are going to fix the problem he created, because he messed it in live server.

[doesn't do any work for like 3 days]
"I guess it's about time I got something done"

[opens laptop]

"Modern browser"

Xcode 8 Update...this might take a while...

!dev but still rant

So I'm a photocopier technician by day, alcoholic coder by night. Just spent 3 fucking hours trying to diagnose a black line on print outs, checked drums, dev units, toner cartridges, fusing unit, everything...

Called up one of the guys I work with and they said to come back with some samples to try and pin it down...

I turn around to leave and remember I didn't check the transfer belt and lo and behold it isn't cleaning and is smearing the paper...

3 fucking hours to work out such a simple error, I've had program breaking bugs diagnosed and fixed by then... ugh -.-

Brutal.

just discovered CTRL+ALT+ESC shortcut to kill a window without opening the Task Manager.

KDE is AWESOME.

on Gnome you can install xkill & set a custom shortcut.

Should I kill him?

You might as well just kill yourself right now

Fuck sake :(

So I just checked my bank to find out I'm in an extra £300 debt because my fucking letting agency took my rent AFTER I MOVED IT FOR £98 BECAUSE I COULDN'T AFFORD IT.

Why the fuck is the world throwing turd after steaming turd at me, first the streets, then family, then job, then debt, now a constant barrage of shit. Just feel like ending it now so I don't have to deal with this shit anymore, fuck the human race and the shithole upside down society they've made :'(

Top advice to give to a new dev? Go back in time and download devRant, then buy a rubber ducky. Yes, I finally got mine 👍🏻

I wish I could put this much effort into my job.

When you're asked to extend a functionality on a piece of code and the 2.5k lines in the view are a juicy mix of PHP, HTML, CSS, JavaScript and the functionality relying on jQuery trasversing through the document tree and expecting things to be in their place. Oh did I mention html build with strings in JS? I'm going to love this day! WHY, JUST WHY?! *gasp*

Me today, after restoring my Macbook Pro

*Installs macports*

*Macports Breaks Xcode*

*Broken Xcode breaks filesystem*

*Broken filesystem corrupts snapshots, rendering them utterly unreadable*

!rant

So, uh.
Just came back from my vacation, only to find out that my PC is now broken.
Like, it doesn't turn on.
Great.

[Story Time]
So yesterday, this babe posted on a Facebook group saying she was looking for a tutor for her Python course in uni. I though to myself, "I'll be good lad and help someone out for the good of it". I messaged her and said I'd help when she asked me how much I was charging.
.
.
WAIT I'M GETTING PAID FOR THIS ?

"Awesome, this is gonna be the easiest job in the planet". Here I was the idiot, about to do it for free.

So we decide to Skype(The new interview feature) so I can start teaching immediately. Mind you it was 3 am in the morning. I'm a night owl and we're a time difference of FUCKING 14 hours.

So I opened up the skype interview website and sent her a link. 10 mins later I realize that I don't even fucking have webcam drivers installed on my laptop that I'd been using for over 2 years. How the Fuck does that happen?

Anyways I start searching for drivers and realize it's going to take a hell of lot more time to install the drivers. So I boot into Windows, YUCK, went on Skype and asked her what she knows so far. She says she knows the basic syntax and concepts. So I ask her to do a simple while loop and she puts the print outside the fucking loop. "Oh well, i guess it's going to be a long night".

Two hours of absolutely no progress later, she sends me a small 2 page pdf which is her homework/exercise. I politely told her I'm not there to do her homework, but I can show her how to do the concepts. After a while we ended the chat and I decided to go to sleep.

*gets up from the bed*

Wait, why did she look so worried about the homework? I opened the pdf.

GRAPH THEORY

I should have asked for higher pay. This is going to be impossible.

Fuck me :/

You know what?
Fuck Windows, just fuck it.

Who the fuck uses IE now? Why.. I mean seriously. Why?

kill the system

npm WARN deprecated

The 3 words I ignore most in my life.

I wanted to be a dev when the only on campus job that paid more than minimum wage was titled "Web Developer". It paid 13 bucks / hour. AWYEAH.

Debugging on a Friday evening be like

After 3 months and around 5 projects at my new job, I've finally come to the realisation that the developer in charge and I disagree on everything, all tech stack/browser compatibility decisions are made completely blindly and no matter what, the lead (full stack) dev refuses to take any of my frontend expertise/knowledge on board.

how did a startup become this rigid and terrible?

I already want to quit.

This is most probably my last rant : (
FUCK INDIAN EDUCATION SYSTEM! I got recently promoted to 11th Grade and end of the story. I got fucked. Is it because of my percentage in 10th grade? NO! It's 11th and 12th grade. Ranters, if you think this is a rant by a stereotypical high school kid then you're wrong. Well, I am a high school kid but FUCK!! Let me explain: We have two major career paths in India: Medical and Engineering. In Medical, there are various colleges such as AIIMS and JIPMER (The Respected ones) and in Engineering, you have IIT (Indian Institutes of Technology). To get inside most of the medical colleges you have to complete a stupid exam called NEET which is primarily based on 11th and 12th-grade portions and JEE exam for engineering. To complete these bull shit exams we have to literally kill ourselves. I want to bring you the notice of 0.001% of students who are interested in one of these fields but were forced to choose the other one because of their parents. Let's get this straight, they are our parents and they know everything about us and everything which is right for us. We won't calculate their decisions we just obey them and I want to bring notice of 0.000001% of students who are programmers and were forced to take medical path like myself. I am screwed!! I can't access my computer. My programming skills will get rusty and I can't be what I wanted to become. I am not complaining about the things we have to study as a student but what they are doing is removing the opportunity for students like us to pivot our career. I am now forced to study for the medical exam which means no more computer for the next 2 years. After 2 years, I have officially lost all my programming stuff and I may get into some medical college then for the next 5 years I am fucked studying for the degree and then the next 10 years for the practical experience. Then you have successfully wasted your life.

Thanks to my nation's educational system! I have to quit my hobby and my dream. Thanks for reading this long rant and goodbye!

PS: I will try my best to come to devRant every week at least in the restroom.

Love my internet...

So my parents got speakers integrated into their monitor. A few years ago (like 3-4) they made me turn off the sound because it annoyed them since all they did were playing some shitty flash games and some office work. Now they needed the sound back on and this is how it happened.

1. Confirm they plugged the right cable in. I know them so I knew that could be a problem

2. Made them download Teamviewer because I know they can't even doubleclick without guidance

Now the juicy part was to tell them they need to turn on sound on the monitor. As I was watching via teamviewer I saw them trying to click on the menu items from said monitor. Took me 5 minutes to explain that their mouse can't do shit on that because they need to navigate with the buttons underneath the monitor.

Turned out they couldnt get things right and I had no idea what they were seeing because they explanations went like "All I can see is Main Menu and Exit." - "Is that really all dad?" "Yes thats all. Main Menu, Brightness and Exit" turnes out the middle part is interchangable like "Brightness, Saturation, etc..."

After 2 hours I gave up and told them to pick up my speakers tomorrow

Oh the beauty of WYSIWYG etitors...

I don't know which one I'm more amazed of. All that beautiful styling for a simple line break or that incredibly accurate and absolute neccessary line-height value.

I guess it's time for a strip tag massacre.

Hey friendly coworker with the same scripting skills as a paraplegic monkey:
Even the boss told you not to lose time on worktime trying to do spaghetti scripts, not enough?

I don’t mind helping your unpaired couples of neurones , but losing 2 days for a forgotten bracket? When it took me like 10 seconds to notice?
And if it wasn’t enough, telling that I saw it quicker thanks to my IDE?

FUCK YOU.
You’re just a mistakenly fertilised ovum

O'joy has come, it is time to make the best if/switch statement...

Worst part I can't see a pattern in this, so I have to hardcode all this shit.
Even worser part, it has to be updated yearly... woop w00p

A mosquito got into my room the other night and feasted on my foot for 9 hours. I could hardly walk the next day, and the itching was insane. I couldn’t go to sleep the next night I was so absorbed by my fixation on finding him. Eventually I barricaded myself with blankets. The one time blankets will actually protect you.

You wanna know what the fuck we did in our goddamn code.org class today, wait no, the last whole fucking week. YES OR NO QUESTIONS. I GET BINARY IS FUCKING 0'S AND 1'S. FOR GOD SAKES I KNOW BINARY. I EVEN KNOW FUCKING TERNARY. AND. YOU KNOW WHAT TEACHER ? EVERYONE ELSE COULD LEARN BINARY IN FIVE GODDAMN MINUTES. "Is code.org worthy of being kicked in the ass and tied up on a railroad when the trains coming?" Is a perfect binary question. This whole fucking class I feel like I'm in an english class for five year olds in spain. HEY TEACHER I DON'T CARE IF BILL GATES OR MARK SUCKERBURG OR BARAK OBAMA OR GODDAMN CHRIS BOSH SUPPORTS IT. ITS FOR THERE FUCKING REPUTATION. PEOPLE WITH HALF A BRAIN KNOW THESE PEOPLE DON'T GIVE A FUCK. THEY EACH HAVE HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OR EVEN BILLIONS OF DOLLARS, BUT THEY ALL CHOSE TO USE A FIVE DOLLAR MIC JUST TO FUCK WITH US. EVERY TIME I WALK IN THAT CLASS I FEEL DEGRADED LIKE I'VE BEEN PUT BACK IN PRESCHOOL. THANK YOU TEACHER, I ALWAYS WANTED TO LEARN BINARY TO MAKE MY FUCKING SIMPLE JAVASCRIPT APP AS MY FINAL PROJECT FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR.

Being forced to use wordpress for every fucking project because "everyone needs a cms and wordpress is the best".

"Can you please restart your computer?"

"uh... how do I do that?"

It's going to be a long day.

Damnit...

I'm kind of a perfectionist, which is one of the reasons why I don't post here very often.

I think that my posts have to be the most hilarious or creative ones to even be bothered to be read by anyone.

Now.. I'm kind of not sober, so I'll just write some idéas, jokes and rants in notes on my iPad.. Sleep, and get drunk again tomorrow and maybe post them...

Or maybe just delete this post and be ashamed tomorrow?

I at least posted this under the "Joke/Meme" tag so that people won't be offended, hopefully, by this "none-rant".

For an early meeting PM promised to bring coffee for every one.
Now he says that he forgot...

Early in the morning, stuck in 3 hours meeting without coffee...

Isn't it fun when someone tries to make you feel guilty for something that you did? Especially when you did it on purpose and with a good reason?

PM: Costumer said the site does not work on IE.
Dev: He deserves it for using that shit.

I solemnly swear I won't help anyone no more.

I solemnly swear I won't help anyone no more.

I solemnly swear I won't help anyone no more.

I solemnly swear I won't help anyone no more.

I solemnly swear I won't help anyone no more.

I solemnly swear I won't help anyone no more.

I solemnly swear I won't help anyone no more.

(Fucking bitch dragged me till 3 A.M, NO SHE'S NOT WORTH IT)

You motherfucking incompetent useless collection of hairy ballsacks even a trained monkey could do a better job than you do. And I swear once we literally cross the 99% availability rate I will find your headquarters and smash everyone's face into each of your fucking servers then set that whole place on fire.

You forget to flush the DNS cache after moving my server (of course on Friday when else), here is 2 days of error page for my site, whoose instructions a normal user simply couldn't follow. Not to mention it pointed to the wrong article.

Random 503 error, and you aren't​ answering my phone calls, though usually I am the first one who informs you of a fucking problem with your fucking server and I have to wait 5-10 minutes in line while you are figuring out the problem.

And now random forbidden error for my whole page. Out of nothing. I've changed nothing. You said one hour earlier that it's your mistake and it will took around 30 min. Still nothing.

I'm fed up with all your bullshit. Go fuck yourselves.

I'm out...

kill -9 $(pidof me)

Google suggestions kill me

I'm the git expert at my work. This means every time someone has the slightest issue with git (or the git features in their ide), I get interrupted.

😡😡😡

Also I will say it is fascinating watching people who've used centralised version control all their lives struggle with distributed.

"Do you have my changes? I merged them into your branch..."

"You can commit and not push?!"

This has been my semester so far:
Professor: "Please read this material for the next session"
*Next session arrives*
Professor: "Now I will repeat everything you've just read with no additional content"

I feel like this is a waste of my fucking time. I always read the material, because I enjoy the topics we're taught. But this is getting ridiculous... I have to endure it to get my master's degree though :/

Boss: Why have you commented out these lines of code?

Me: I don't have the heart to KILL them..

Android is gonna be the death of me. Any fucking idea you have is impossible to implement, because libraries with clear documentation are deprecated. If a library is not deprecated, however, it has documentation written by a fucking caveman who thinks it's extremely self explanatory on how to use something that is extremely application specific. Spent hours looking at Google example code that crashes almost immediately after execution, what a joke.

“I sent a document to print but it hasn't come out... I think the printer might be broken”

NO! The printer is not BROKEN just because you can’t print. You see that person over there at the printer? Yes, that one collecting their print job now? THE PRINTER IS NOT BROKEN!

Just found out that not even shutting down windows from CMD jumps the "updates" shit, thank you windows go fuck yourself

alias kill="kill -9"

I really really really don't like Windows. The amount of awful updates that I have to do all of the time, the fact that my mother just had Windows updates try and run, fail, try and run again, fail again, and then try a third time. But I'm stuck with it, because if I try and run a Linux live CD, my computer has a fit. Because Ryzen. Fantastic

Microshit is trying to kill me!

Kill me now!

Don't kill trees

Have you ever reach a point where you lost any desire or mood to do anything? Like when you don't even want to rant about the fuckedupshit you are in.

GOD FUCKING KILL ME RIGHT THIS INSTANT!

1. ACCIDENTALLY HIT MY PC-CASE AND SOME SHITTY CABLE IS RUBBING AGAINST A FAN, I'LL HAVE TO TAKE THIS SHIT CASE APART!!

2. MY FUCKING LATEX DOCUMENT WONT COMPILE, GIVING ME ERRORS, YET, PASTING IT INTO FUCKING SHARELATEX, IT WORKS!!! I'LL HAVE RO DEBUG THAT PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT PDFTEX

what do you call a text editor that exits if it's put into light theme?

a vim-pire

Stupid piece of legacy shit needing to silent print without the dialogs in IE on windows 10.

this is proving to be a thing of nightmares.

this has worked for years but no windows need to block this “for security”

windows and security - i would laugh but this is going to keep me awake at night.

How in the fuck do you start getting clients as a freelancer? Do I just throw stuff on my GitHub and pray someone hits me up on Fiverr? Upwork won't accept my account and it's been fucking four months of me trying. I took to becoming a full-time designer to push our startup's products to completion but a fucking failure over there too everytime.

Everything is a fucking shitfest and I'm just whining at this point but I needed to take this off of my fucking chest. A good fucking day to you too.

Spent 3 hours today digging through 3rd party libraries, trying to get them all to work together nicely.

The solution? A one line fix in my own source.

FACEPALM!!!

I just picked up a project from a person that no longer works at the company.

Every single commit for the past year has been the exact same message "SOME UPDATES" 😫

Me: *gets a payout from my old job*
Me: ahhh now to spoil myself, let's get some pixel buds and a day dream set and maybe a nice bottle of whiskey.

eBay: YO! We have that MacBook you've been looking for going really cheap at the moment!

Me: ... I hate myself...

Why does stuff always go on sale when I've spent my money ;-;

I’m so done of getting false errors in Visual Studio

Microsoft is buying devrant.

My college wants me to submit my final project.... On a compact disk!
Yes, I'm sitting here facepalming myself to a pulp.
Like what the actual fuck, those things died six years ago! The last time I burned a cd was probably when I was in 9th grade and had a potato for a computer.

"Existence is pain" -- my forehead

Fucking kill me. I've just agreed to make a shitty fucking app that would be better as a Webpage, using shitty fucking technologies I don't understand, to do a thing that would be better handled by a third party.
You know why? The guy who asked me to do it is a good friend, and I'm the "best (only) code monkey" he knows. FUCK MY LIFE.

At least I'm getting payed

When you spend half an hour long at your code wondering why your do while loop only works once.
Then you realise there is a return just before the end of the loop.

Today was not a good day

...
$html .= '</li></ul></div>' . $label . '</div>';

return new JsonModel(
'status' => true,
'html' => $html
);

I'm having a strong urge to kill that asshole that asked me, on a SECOND interview for a SENIOR position if I knew what ORM was!!!
Are you making me fucking waste my time you fucking cunt???
Did you fucking read my CV?
Obviously not because you would have seen several ORM technologies on it you fucking piece of shit.

You made me waste my time, and now I have no choice but to slice your fucking throat!

I'll be waiting for you, in the dark you mother fucker.

It's Don't-Kill-Your-Coworkers Monday! Vent here while looking at this cute-ass picture instead of ending lives.

*trying to install arch linux for the first time*
> reboot
> system goes into a boot loop
> cant get into BIOS
> taking pc apart rn

Years ago, one of my friends in college was taking an intro to CS class. He asked me for help on one of his assignments. It was a simple Python program, but it wasn't running as expected. I go in figuring it will be easy to fix. But everything looks exactly right. An hour later I'm tearing my hair out! It isn't even entering the function although it's clearly called. I'm beginning to feel very self conscious, as a CS major who can't even debug a 15 line program for a friend.

Then it hit me. This is Python. I used an editor macro to convert all indentation to tabs, lined them up, and it ran on the first try. Turns out, he had somehow ended up with a mixture of tabs and spaces.

I'm not sure what the takeaway is, but I think he got a surprisingly honest introduction to the life of a developer...

Have 3 projects due in a week, two of which are partner projects. One of them has 6 other members in the group and I've only met 5 of them, one of them being two days ago for the first time. The other member has not replied to any emails from any of us, and we've had this project for three weeks now. Either do your homework or get the fuck out. We are also suppose to present it in class for our final... Group projects in college suck

Kill gradle

Some """friend""" of mine asked me help because he has trouble installing WAMP on a Linux distro.

Me: why don't you try to install a LAMP server instead, you are on Linux, you can do whatever you want.

Him: LAMP is not a thing, this doesn't exist, there's no package called like that.

Me: *sends a tutorial to setup a web dev server*

Him: You are so unhelpful, why are you disrespectful like that ?!?

Me: *having some murder thoughts*

Why do I still reply to these people ?

self eye gouging occurs

FUCKING FUCK ANGULAR!!!!
LIKE FUCK IT IN THE ARSE AND BURN THE MOTHERFUCKER WHILE LAUNCHING A MISSILE ON IT TO BE SURE!

(ﾉ≧∇≦)ﾉ ﾐ ┸━┸

So I am making something on angular and I got everything running in ng serve(development environment) , after handling all issues and showing it to my boss man he approves and asked to put it up on prod for a demo , doesn’t sound like an issue , I make the prod build on cli and BAM! 16 errors ? No issues right?, I’ll just google the issue. Googles.... there aren’t no clear solutions to it as the angular version keeps changing and nobody knows what broke it, I mean people have the issue,but like 100 reasons that can cause it,
HOLY LORD RELEASE A NEWER VERSION AFTER MENDING THE OLD ONE
But nooooooo!

Angular Dev:We fucked this one, lol what should we do boss man?
Angular boss man: lol just leave it, we need to build the new version with newer bugs,

P.S. I like angular, but it’s like a underdeveloped framework, too many issues and too many changes

Confession of the day:
- I make sure the font is set to Comic Sans before I write code.

Sorry mate, your pants have holes in them.

When it's 6am and you need to get up at 7am

My Software Developing Skills finally paid off... I've spent whole night repairing a shitty Zanussi Washing machine. My life meaning was fulfilled
..

I have to use the worst CMS in the world.

But here’s the kicker - it’s our intranet and it’s hosted externally.

Some genius thought that was a good idea.

My family members don’t seem to understand that you can attach multiple photos to an email, so they send them one by one, even if that means 10 emails 🙄

The best kinds of comments:

/**
Gets user CC info datas.
*/
public Object getUserCCInfoDatas() {}

If you really want to outdo yourself:

/**
Gets user CC info datas.
@param someshit Outdated docs ftw
*/
public Object getUserCCInfoDatas(String unrelatedToDocAbove) {}

Honestly, no documentation is better in some cases. At least I can't be angry about their shitty quality... And they don't waste my time.

Actuall live footage of me trying to install and configure VMware to work on arch at the moment...

(I might be a little fucking frustrated)

A multinational Bank's website :/

I am well done, burnt and carcinogenic. The constant pressure to always produce, always post a profit, always increase, always commit, always stand-up and succeed is fucking exhausting and ultimately and totally unsustainable.

There are never any fallow years anymore, or days of rest...our dirt is dying...and the earth is weary and worn out. Antartica is getting green...grrrr, and my head is melting too.

Why the fuck can't we slow down a little bit?

#hatehashtags C#needtheocean

// allow

We've all seen bad code in our time. The code I'm currently looking at needs to die horribly in a fire. In fact, that doesn't even seem extreme enough for this monstrosity

I have an exam tomorrow. I'm stressed out and studying desperately.

My internet just went down.

My kingdom for Postgres queries that run under 40 minutes...

God save me, I have to write UI unit testing tomorrow

Best: I’ve learned A LOT during this year. Some things from devRant, stackoverflow, even the school

Worst: I lost source code of my April Fools game (Super Fernando Bros, I posted a link on devRant about it) 😭

Did some freelance work off the books and now the guy is threatening to sue me .. nice

Im learning c++ right now and?.?!!??????

I don't like WordPress. But my boss want me to do WordPress website...

In my free time I like to compile android ROMs for my device, and I couldn't get my favourite ROM, CarbonROM to compile, it was wining about a c file in a directory and I used a different repo, no sound after compiling but hey, at least it worked right?

Turns out there was a new commit that had messed up the compiler, and this commit was live for about 10 minutes, and I just so happened to be repo syncing at that time.

WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK.

The "sys admin" is upgrading my PC to Windows 10. He says "It's incontestable and must be done."

😃🔫

// This part of the code should never run

Came across that lovely comment when fixing a reported bug. Guess where the bug was? You guessed it XD

*accidentally deploys unfinished firewall config
*Flushes iptables
*Accidentally flushes literally everything
*Protocols are drop for all connections and interfaces
*Has to reboot server, ssh in AGAIN, and redeploy from the shite configuration I was fixing

I'm living it.
I started an internship at this web store made of different pieces and following no apparent rule or convention. They asked me to do this landing page, but I can't access to the development environment, nor push, create a docker, kill myself, nothing. I have to build from the DOM and write with inline style a page copied and pasted, with 300 lines of CSS already in the tpl, overwritten bootstrap 3 and two main CSS files linked. And "they don't do !important".
I wish I could say I'm learning a lot, but not. My life has become a waste of hours trying to please a company stuck and aged.

Miui 🔪 privacy

Apple, next time you want to get me to upgrade my file system, please FUCKING TELL ME IT WONT LET ME INSTALL WINDOWS USING BOOTCAMP, 9 hours and I’ve only just found the file system that will let me run Adobe Cloud and Windows

Is it just me or was the old GitHub desktop client waaay better than this new electron thing? :(

Boss said no more emoticons. I was like l, BUT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. #emoticonwayoflife

Ever pivoted so hard that you forgot what the original idea was in the first place?

Today I spilt a glass of water onto my palm. As I was shaking the hand of a senior executive. He looked at me in disgust as our hands squelched together.

Work Rant, again.

Working on a project, it has a messages feature.
Currently it supports text messages and images.

The guy before me had to leave, so I was put in charge on this project, to develop it.. all alone...

Project Manager : "Please add PDF support to messages"

Me : "Sure its an easy task".

1 day later:
-Starts working on that feature
-PDF files can now be sent.
-Looks at the sent messages-
-Message is there but I... I cant see the PDF file-

Hmmmm...
Moments later I discover the entire system is non-modular... hard-coded images only support.
Fuck me.