Ranted about that porn work prank.

Forgot a joke the senior linux engineer pulled with me.

I came back from the toilet and sat down. Logged in. Cursor was on the left screen. Looked away and then back. Cursor was on the right screen.

*wait what? hmm must be my memory.*
*looks away and turns back*
*wait did that cursor just move.....?*
*damn what's up with me...?!?*
*turns around and looks back VERY quickly*
*cursor moves all over the screen*

*looks at front usb inputs*
*notices a wireless receiver*

*laughing from the corner where the senior linux engineer is sitting*

MOTHERFUCKER.

1. The quality of the coffee and toilet paper you encounter during an interview tells you more than promises about table tennis or fruit baskets.

2. Try to determine who their primary client is: subscribers, app buyers, advertisers, etc. It's a major influence on the company dynamic.

3. Before an interview, you can just say: "I would like to sit down with a PO and run through one backlog feature and one bug, to get a feel for the type of tasks at the company". Such an activity immediately reveals team structure, whether they have product owners & scrum masters, what a sprint looks like, how they prioritize tasks, and how organized/chaotic your work experience will be.

A ten minute task can be finished in a minute when you think in the toilet.

Proven by experience

"Let me review your code, I used to work as a toilet cleaner"

Hey everyone!

devRant will be going down on Friday, July 7th around 10:30pm EDT so we can do some database maintenance and restructuring of our cluster. It hopefully won't be down for more than about 30 minutes or so, and during that time you should see our "down for maintenance" message.

If you usually use devRant while you're on the toilet (we know many do!), we apologize and suggest you try to schedule around this!

Please let me know if you have any questions and apologies for the inconvenience.

Another benefit of working from home: PRIVATE TOILET.

One fucking toilet for 15 people is not enough.

Toilets and race conditions!

A co-worker asked me what issues multi-threading and shared memory can have. So I explained him that stuff with the lock. He wasn't quite sure whether he got it.

Me: imagine you go to the toilet. You check whether there's enough toilet paper in the stall, and it is. BUT now someone else comes in, does business and uses up all paper. CPUs can do shit very fast, can't they? Yeah and now you're sitting on the bowl, and BAMM out of paper. This wouldn't have happened if you had locked the stall, right?

Him: yeah. And with a single thread?

Me: well if you're alone at home in your appartment, there's no reason to lock the door because there's nobody to interfere.

Him: ah, I see. And if I have two threads, but no shared memory, then it is as if my wife and me are at home with each a toilet of our own, then we don't need to lock either.

Me: exactly!

!rant
A few days ago a friend of mine rang me up complaining about internet issues with his computer. As usual I did the "is it plugged in, turn it off then on again" sort of thing to waste time while my pasta was cooking. After a while he asked if I had another bogus solution, so I suggested flushing his toilet.

He runs off, I hear the flush, comes back and viola - it fucking worked.

The point of this is: if it don't work, flush the toilet. You're welcome, tech support out ✌️

devRant; The new reason why I take my phone to the toilet!

- Everything works 10 minutes before presentation
- Nothing works on presentation
- Cry myself in toilet after presentation

You can tell how much a company cares about their employees by a quality of toilet paper 😂

I sometimes correct people's PRs from under the shower or from the toilet, but my favorite place to code are in the dune forests (Netherlands).

Most unusual place would be operating room at the hospital though, getting my leg/foot bugfixed after a car accident. I asked the surgeon if it was OK if I brought my phone in, to distract myself, so I went through some code cleanup tasks.

A Man from the toilet shouts to his wife :
- Darling, darling, do you hear me?!!!!
- What happened, did you run out of toilet paper?
- No, restart the router, please!

Someday my toaster is going to have an IP address. A bad automatic firmware update will most likely cause it to get stuck on the bagel setting until I plug a usb key in and reflash the memory.

Grandma's refrigerator will probably get viruses, lock itself and freeze all the food inside, demanding bitcoin before defrosting.

My blender will probably be used in a massive DDoS attack because Ninja's master MAC address list got leaked and the hidden control panel login is admin/admin.

Ovens will burn houses down when people call in to have them preheat on their way home from work.

Correlations between the number of times the lights are turned on and how many times the toilet is flushed will yield recommendations to run the dishwasher on Thursdays because it's simply more energy efficient.

My dog will tweet when he's hungry and my smart watch will recommend diet dog food in real-time because he's really been eating too much lately--"Do you want to setup a recurring order on Amazon fresh?"

Sometimes living in a cave sounds nice...

After joining devrant I spend twice the time sitting on the toilet which results in my right leg falling asleep and me trying to stumble my way out of the bathroom looking like a hideous creature of the night.

Few of us went to the break. After 20 minutes or so, this one guy just stands up, says he’ll be right back, and leaves. We figured he went to the toilet or something. He never came back

Thank you devRant for being my toilet companion!!

Thanks devrant. Ive been on the toilet for over an hour now😣😣

My boss literally spends half an hour finger-fucking his phone on the mobile site to find "bugs", that I can't replicate. A combination like: swipe, pinch, landscape, portrait, back pinch, open new tab, close tab, ash cigarette on phone, dunk in toilet, dry, double tap... Aha I've found a bug, there's 0.5 pixel line of space between the bag header and the browser bar.

Asking a developer to repair a printer is like asking a real estate developer to repair a toilet

Dude, FUCK automated bathrooms.

First of all, what the hell is so complicated about making a motion sensing faucet that works? Why does it *need* to be motion sensing? I stand there for 5-10 seconds with my stupid soapy hands extended, waiting for a squirt of the divine liquid.

And then the immediately following experience isn't much better. Motion sensing paper towel dispenser. The first go works fine, but it always dispenses half of what you need to get your grimy paws dry. So you go in for seconds, and it just flat out ignores you. Leaves you on read. You flap your pathetic noodle arms at it again. It isn't happening. Please wait 3-5 business days.

Oh, and god forbid you forget to cover the automatic toilet with a few wasted squares. Lean into a shit ONCE and you've just been prematurely flushed. Your ass is misted with the cold, unforgiving equivalent of an automatic insult.

Asshole design

Sometimes the chair might also be a toilet seat.

Source: TechWorm

That moment when you've been sat on the toilet reading devRant so long that your legs have gone dead so when you try to stand up you faceplant the opposite wall :-/

devRant is bad for my health !

EDIT: what's more embarrassing is I lay on the floor writing this rant.

Some psychopath in my office keeps refilling the toilet rolls so they roll out towards the wall.

The craziest shit in my life just happened.

I left my laptop(basically my whole life) and my handbag at my dinner table and went to the the toilet for 4 minutes. I live in a ground-house in a rural area, and the front door wasn't locked.

After I exited the bathroom I noticed eevrything was gone. My laptop, my bags, my wallet. Everything. I panicked.

I quickly informed the local security authority while canceling my credit card and resetting all of my credentials, they with the help of the police they tracked the theives in 10 minutes in a neighboring town, with what it seems all of my stuff intact, which I am supposed to get tommorow.

This is both insane and a miracle. I am speechless and thankful to G-d. This is divine providence. I can't explain it in any other explanation

Watch over your stuff like your life depends on them. Don't ever leave your laptop even for a few minutes.

The office toilet chronicles - episode 2

Someone here has a fucking sprinkler where they should have a penis. Is it so hard to aim? Or fucking sit?

Misunderstanding is like running ftp server on port 80!
Ftp responses for http request!
In real life it happens like this

need a good idea for app or game? follow this quick guide.

1. prepare a notebook.
2. prepare a pen.
3. go to toilet.
4. start writing the ideas.
5. make millions.

Thanks devrant

3 or 4 days before the summer vacations, our teacher came in class and asked us to present whatever projects we've been working on and give a brief description...
Some guys went on the stage, then a few girls,
So being first time on the stage I was pretty nervous and started shaking and sweating a little bit.
I opened up the laptop and project was already open in AS, but had to restart emulator,
but the main thing was, i didn't notice the "blonde lesbians - PornHub" was minimized in the taskbar.
So I opened up cmd and typed "taskill -f -im chrome*" and it vanished. (a little fear increased)
when I finished presentation, some of the students were staring at me, so i made an excuse to go to toilet,
...and I ran out of dept.
after class finished my friends came up to me and said "we saw what was going on there in taskbar" and we laughed.

#NeverEverGoingToDoPresentationEverAgain #TrueStory

!dev

I can't believe the stupidity/paranoia at my workplace! I take my own keyboard with me to work, because I really hate typing on rubberdomes (personal preference).

I built myself a keyboard and programmed it with so I can access characters for programming easier and it made my typing a lot better.
"But oh no! It connects via USB!", thought some random manager today, as they walked past my desk. "This cannot be allowed, there has to be a company policy against it!"
Sadly, I was on the toilet when this happened and I only heard this from my colleagues. I anticipated someone saying this, but it's just typical for my bad luck that it would happen in my absence. Yes, security is necessary and important, but my company just goes completely crazy in some points. There is a huge paranoia concerning everything USB. You can only use USB-Sticks that were bought by the company and almost nobody has one. I can understand it, but sometimes it is just annoying...

The problem is, that people can't differentiate between USB-Sticks and keyboards. Everything that connects via USB is evil.
But as is said, I was prepared. I talked to the company security about what would be necessary for me to use my own private keyboard at my workplace. They told me, that this would not be an issue, but if I want to ever take the keyboard home again, I would have to fill out a form every six weeks, because otherwise I wouldn't be able to proof, that the keyboard wasn't company property (just look at the picture, as if they would ever buy such a keyboard, especially with the obviously badly handmade wooden case). I agreed, and did exactly that from that point onwards.
Now THAT manager talked to MY manager (who is absolutely fine with me using my keyboard, although he thinks it is strange). Now I had to request at the department for information security (because company security obviously isn't enough), whether me using my own keyboard is okay.

My manager asked me to make the request a little broader, to ensure any future use of USB-non-storage devices is okay. Did that and am now awaiting an answer, that I will hopefully receive on monday...

Paypal Rant #3

One day I'll go to Paypal HQ and...
... change all the toilet rolls to face the wrong way
... remap all the semicolons to be the Greek equivalent character
... change all the door signs so they say "pull" instead of "push" and vice versa
... modify all the stairs to have variable heights
... programmatically shuffle the elevator buttons and randomly assign the alarm key to any of the most visited floors
... pour cocoa onto all the keyboards and wipe them off cleanly
... attach clear duct tape over their mouse sensors and insert really weak batteries or mess with their cables

I'll wait a day or two until they experience a sudden shortage of developers, then bombard them with thousands of fake applications from seemingly amazing candidates, then write an AI bot to continue argumentation with HR.

I'll wait another week or so until the company dissolves and with them, all my issues in life.

No need to be overly vulgar this time because you all know the deal. I hate this fucking company. Please Paypal do us all a favor and go fuck yourself.

Toilet seat with a laptop table in front.

The only moment I can focus.
Nobody can disturb me.
The duck also love to swim in the bath.
I can even fap when looking at my sexy code.
I don't need to travel when I gonna pee or poop. Saved me a lot of time.

The most pissed off I've been at work?

Client X came to us for a website.
We secretly outsourced the work.
Client X is coming for a visit in 10 mins...

MD to me: "I've told them your lead dev on this. They're not super-technical so if they ask you about the project just tell them it's going well."

Now I'm not a comfortable blagger, I don't have that kind of confidence, so to ask me to lie like this makes me feel really stressed and uncomfortable. Furthermore, I had literally no idea about any aspect of the work we were supposedly doing for this client. I can barely contain my panic but my colleagues help me piece together a basic understanding.

The MD returns: "They're here now. Can you quickly go and check that the toilets are clean."

WHAT THE FUCK!? The little prick. I'd knock him out if wasn't so meek and pathetic. I tell myself that I'm being helpful and nice but in truth I'm just his fucking doormat and he has zero respect for me.

I have no problem cleaning stuff (we all basically tidy up behind us) but this is something he could have done. Furthermore, who cares? None of us leave the loos with piss on the floor and shit smeared across the walls. They're never anything less than client-ready so to ask me to check means that he's already checked them himself and one of the loos is not quite shiny enough.

The reader may feel that this is no big deal (and in some ways you're right) but everything about this scenario was fucked up. The MD had embroiled the whole company in a lie and assumes we're all okay with that, then to add insult just nonchalantly orders me to clean the bogs. The cunt.

FWIW The client didn't ask to talk to me or use the toilet during their visit.

The person who found this toilet paper company, probably was a programmer. Also probably the best way to describe Array with an Object

Almost got my manhood out at work.

There I was in deep thought needing the toilet but wanted to get a coffee first. So I get up go to the kitchen and catch myself next to the bin unzipping.

Goes to take a shit, opens toilet lid

"We are updating our privacy policies....."

Recently buyed some toilet paper.

Now i just want to have an intense discussion about floating point precision with the idiot who developed the cutting machine...

Also, please stop printing cars or birds there. Thanks.

The office toilet chronicles - episode 3

Someone left shit on the toilet seat. That's right. Shit. On the toilet seat.

This is the second time this happens. I'm working with fucking monkeys here. One of these days they'll start throwing feces at each other. I just hope I'll be long gone when it happens.

What an year ?
>MS VS on mac
>SQLServer on Linux :D
>Xamarin API for tizen (seriously :/)
>MS becomes `platinum` member @LinuxFoundation
>Google joins .NETfoundation
>Trump becomes the president ??????????
>In India 500 and 1000 rupees notes are now worth toilet paper except we don't actually wipe - we wash ;)
>For me RIP $copes and controllers and my year worth of experience :'(

Went to hackathon @ Google HQ in NYC. Gotta say it was pretty shitty. Most people are JavaScript nerds and some code in objective-C, xcode (4-5 out of 50). The rest are chemists, scientists and general folks. Not what I anticipated when you know it's more like iOS hackathon. Anyways it was good to see the shittiest demos in my life made in less than 12 hours. We had 4.5 people working on a toilet project called "I gotta go". Public bathroom locator... One guy coded in JS, xcode and react Native. Another dude was pushing all the code to GitHub and doing backend in firebase. The third guy was making a website for no reason and then I see it's hosted weebly. He hand coded first, I looked what he is doing - just HTML tags. Thank God some organizers helped us and we had a 4 click demo with basic text and no real functionality. Plus the website who never seen. What a fucking waste of $100 and two days.

So I dropped out from University after 5 years because I was fed up with it, took a look at the job market, found something interesting, applied for it and got it. Now I'm here on my first day, sitting on the toilet, scrolling through DevRant.

Life is good.

I am old enough to go to jail.
I am old enough to have my own household.
I am old enough to pay my own bills.
I am old enough to have children.
I am old enough to take responsibility for my hypothetical kids and for my self.
I am old enough to gamble, drink and lease cars.
I am a self confident dude who took responsibility for creating machines that were worth millions.
And so on and so on..

But hey, it is ok if the fucking teacher at technical school treats you like a 16 yo pubescent child. Im glad he is interested whether i do my god damn homework. And yes, it is totally fine for me, that im getting treated like a unworthy dog who needs surveillance.
So, maybe i should suggest that we should ask for permission if we want to go to fucking toilet. Yes. That would be great. Gonna do that.

!rant

I love the fact that some programmers will put there heart and soul into a project and spend there entire life working on it to only have no recognition or earn a single cent.

Yet the man who invented toilet paper literally wiped his ass and made millions...

I love how the world works! :-D

Me working on a bug for so long the brain actually stops working. Leave work > drives home > sits on the toilet: "Holy toilet, that's the problem" > drives back to work > problem solved!

Anyone else?

50 euros just TO BE ABLE TO WIPE MY FUCKING ASS

FUCK YOU, PIECE OF SHIT HOARDERS, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU BUYING SO MUCH TOILET PAPER

Friday 6pm to Sunday 6pm, with toilet breaks, snack breaks and a three hour nap on Sunday morning. Roughly 44 hours. It was a hackathon, Nov 2016. My team came in fourth place and the first three teams went to Germany!

Well, I got a well paying attachment from it so it didn't go all to waste.

Me and my laptop then...

when there is no project I work in, I am just a lazy ass. And that's what happened this morning after I waked up.

Me: *bring me phone, enter the toilet and open devrant.

~30 minutes late~

Wife: *knock knock* are you there?
Me: oh hey, yes I am
Wife: it is devrant again?
Me: 😶

that moment when your 5 minute toilet trip lasts way longer because of devrant

Today was a good day. The toilet door was stuck for two hours because the lock broke. After the locksmith came and tried his best, we had to kick the door in. Fun fact: a fellow dev was stuck on the inside...

Morning time.
Sitting on the toilet browsing DevRant.
Boss calls.
Phone vibrates abruptly and falls inside the seat.
And I almost shit on it.

The toilet code at this McDonald's.

What's the difference between a wasp and single loose hair?
Apparently none till the wasp stings :/

Yesterday I thought I had a loose hair on my neck.. ok, I shrug it off.. later again the creepy feeling.. shrugs off..

I continue to work, sumberged in code, wanting to find the fucker (bug, not the wasp/hair).. lean in to the monitor... 10 cents away from the screen... Ok, maybe that's it! Feels the hair on my back, near shoulderblades again... shrugging again more violently to get it further down to fall out.. nothing.. ok, got the bug, threw myslef back in the chair with substential force & BAAAAM!!! Motherfucking hair bit me!! O.o

I scream in horror & on top of the lungs (it was late, after work hours so I didn't expect anyone else still at the office) PROKLETA PRASICA (roughly translated to goddamn female swine).. I previously saw some green bug flying around the office and I thought that nasty thing bit me (didn't know they bite soo, much more horror for me).. O.o

Anyhow, I jump up from the computer and see my coworker looking at me all baffled.. I proceed to franticly take of my headphones and hoodie..thinking about wtf should I do now, I cannot get undressed in front of him (not for my sake, bra is the same as top of the bathing suit for me, but still..I don't want anyone suing me for impropper behaviour of undreasing in front of coworkers..), how the fuck should I get to the toilet?! O.o

C: Are you ok?!
M: Um.. sth bit me..wtf?!
C: There was a wasp flying around somewhere some time ago.. are you alergic?!
M: um..not sure, I don't think so..we'll see soon..

I proceed to the WC, to take off tshirt & check/kill off the fucker.. on my way there (walking funny to not press the hair to my body again) I got another surprise, another coworker was working late..

C2: Are you ok?! O.o
M: yeah, sth bit me, probably a wasp..

Ok, finally on the loo..ok, do not lock self in in case it escapes and you need help.. don't even shut the door. Check.. standing between the doors I contemplate on how the fuck should I take my tshirt off without angering the fucker even more and getting bitten again.. O.O

I lifted the tshirt up my back to let it out.. nope, not there..the creepy felling of buzzing around between my shoulder blades continues.. crap.. what to do?!

I stood there & contemplated the task.. ok, roll up the tshirt to the shoulder blades, not against the body (duh) to prevent further stings..tighten the fabric, so it cannot escape, quickly remove the band from the body.. done..reversed the tshirt and straightened it.. bzzz... Fucker fell somewhere.. Dafaq?! Was it really just a wasp?! If yes, no problem...but what if coworker was wrong and I got bitten by that nasty green whateveritsname bug?! Eeeeewwww! Is it poisonous? Gotta find it & kill it for good.. waited a bit, than saw a goddamn wasp crawl from under the toilet.. wasp!! Yess!! Stopm stomp fucker!!

I get dressed & go back to my desk..

C: Did you terminate it?!
M: Yup, fucker went on a toilet paper trip down the drain!!

I sit down, starting to get my headphones back on and proceed to work.., but before I could, one last gem:

C: CTO would say, thank god it didn't sting you in your finger cuz you wouldn't be able to type anymore..

M: O.O so true hahhahahaaa

Disclaimer - I like animals, but I freakking hate wasps..especially if they get under my tshirt to sting.. :/

Perhaps there should be monthly presentations on how to correctly use and handle the toilet.

I didn't actually realize anyone could be this dumb. Sure, I'd heard stories, but I wasn't sure that I'd ever come across this level of stupidity in the wild. I was moving email across hosting accounts for someone, and I asked them to please navigate to a certain domain. Then they asked what navigate meant, so I told them to please type it into the URL bar. They said "OK." 5 seconds later, they said, "Which one do I click on?" They googled the url. So I asked them to please type it into the URL BAR. Then they asked what that was.

...like what? I just told you this yesterday. How fast does information fall out of your head? Do you forget where your toilet is when you wake up every morning? How do these people even function in society?

-_-

Stomachache, weird shitting schedule (can't believe I had so many stuff inside of my belly what the fuck).

So it's actually 5AM in France so instead of trying to sleep I gave up and told myself "Let's learn React Native".

Turns out learning looks easier when your struggling with diarrhea.

Get plenty of sleep, folks. I just started snoring on the toilet at work.

Reading code samples in the toilet... I'm not normal.

Some time ago I quit my job at a big corporation. Getting treated like a resource, a production line robot, just isn't for me.

My current job is way better. Small company, lots of freedom, getting to work on multiple projects, the result counts. But, as a small company, we also collaborate with big corporations. So I joined a team at one.

Watching my coworkers there, I'm reminded of robots again. Lunch break? 15 minutes tops. Just shovel some edibles into your face hole and back to work. Five minutes break between meetings? Open laptop, work work work. The concept of "needing rest" seems entirely foreign to them.

Yesterday our product owner "relayed some criticism" from other team members to me. Apparently, me going to the toilet in breaks is "suddenly disappearing". Or me not replying within 15 minutes in the chat is outrageous. And then he tried to berate me how I'm "his developer" and his team's tasks have top priority. So, according to the PO the problem is me and I should "get used to their mode of operation".

How about "no". I quit a fucking job because that "mode" is simply inhuman. After that feedback, you bet I'm taking my legally protected 30 minutes lunch break and any other break I can. Because fuck yourself, you're not going to burn me out. The best part, that team has smokers who "suddenly disappear" twice as much as I do, but apparently that's somehow a-ok.

I had to remind him that his project is just one of several I'm working on, so no, not "his dev". While that wasn't exactly a powerful comeback, it did shut him up. Still going to talk to my boss on Monday, at least to ensure that the PO can't talk shit about me behind my back.

The three indicators you have spent to much time on devRant while being on the toilet:

0: You reached the post from the last day.
1: Your legs fell asleep.
2: You forgor whether you have to wipe your ass or not.

The moment, when you are reading rants on the toilet in the office and the automatic light turned off.

While sitting on the toilet, it struck me:

int y = (int) (x+0.5); //x is a float

is exactly the same as:

int y = Math.round(x);

It's such a simple thought, yet, I realized that just now.

!rant

Finally back to coding at the new office. Better connection speed. Wider space. Own toilet.

Guess you won't see new posts from me anytime soon.
Just gonna enjoy the rest of your miseries from my chilled desk.

😎

I've dealt with dusty computers, REALLY dusty computers, computers owned by smokers.

I've seen dead beetles and earwigs and spiders with their cobwebs in computers and dealt with them.

I've even seen live moth larvae wriggling about in a computer.

But never, have I ever had to deal with fluids. Until today.

I had to take apart a laptop that had been used as a toilet by a cat. It was still wet, but not warm.

And I had to try to get data off of it. But no, the urine was not compliant.

So, already pissed off customer was less happy about the fact that her data would still be a few days away from recovery to a new computer.

At least her frustration wasn't at us.

STOP TURNING THE LIGHTS OFF WHEN YOU LEAVE THE OFFICE TOILET!!!!

For fuck's sake, do not turn the lights off if you're not sure if someone is in there or not. Don't be a moron.

Toilet for new Agile team.

Pls send help. I having problems with following code:

Human h = WildOrangutan
.getInstance();
Ass ass = h.getAss();

Toilet toilet = new Toilet();
ass.attachTo(toilet);

while (ass.hasOutput()) {
ass.output();
h.readDevrant();
}

ass.detach(toilet);

// This throws
// OutOfToiletPaperException
ass.clean();

devRant my new in toilet magazine

When you've been working for ages and are desperate for a pee, but you've just had a major breakthrough and code is pouring off your fingers like honey, and you don't want to stop because it will break the flow.

My friend who is new to Android App Dev was trying to make a simple app that programmatically takes a pic then sends it as an MMS. He opened Stack Overflow, copied code and i heard him murmur "hmm this is simple". Knowing the future, and the wrath of Android Studio, i leaned into my seat and waited. 2 hours later i knew Andy Studio had pissed all over him and it was written all over his face. I walked past him as if to go to the toilet then back again, his screen was blood red with errors and my heart danced and sang.

3 hours later i was out of the room and he sent me a text saying "I give up". I replied, "well tbh, im suprised it took you that long"

Thank you Android Studio for showing all those who think all we do is copy and paste code that they are freakin retards.

Architect of this building is so stupid. The toilet lights are triggered by movement. But they are not hanging in the toilet itself. Im wiping my ass with my flashlight on now…

tabs vs spaces is the coding equivalent of over vs under on the toilet paper roll

Closing 10+ tabs after finding the solution is like flushing the toilet, you don't even look back.

When the toilet paper tries to be nice with you after coding 😁

We're in 2017 and I can't believe people won't flush the damn toilet!

Coolest project? Well, one time I had to take a dump while I was coding so I took the computer to the toilet with me and that was pretty exciting

Shout out to the people who take someone else's office chair. I just went for a toilet break then *poof* someone took it.

Finally after one year I understood how to carry out my job. I should do exactly NOTHING. I stopped completely organizing the team, solving bugs, helping the team developing and solving problems, explore and try stupid things said by CEO, PM and consultants.
I stopped for 2 months now and nothing happened.
I work remotely, nobody knows if I'm working or not, because nobody cares really about priorities, bugs, customers or products development.

I gain 10K$ (ten thousand) per month.

I attend skype meeting once per week or less. I say yes to everything, nobody gives a shit to what I say, even if they consider me the technical director. Actually in the meetings I only take care of being considered the technical director.
I achieved the mythical 4 hours working week.

I keep skype open in all my devices in order to answer promptly in case of problem, wherever I'm am, that's the most important thing right now.

I attended some meeting from the toilet or from the bedroom.

It was hard. To understand that the board is only after the next funding and not looking to develop a real product. It's hard to pretend helping people while thinking inside you "fuck you".
You have to let go the "guilt": if you can't login, I KNOW that is my fault, that there is a bug, that is possible to solve it, that resources and planning are needed etc. That's guilt. Just let go and say "next release" and never include it in the next release.
In this way I discovered that some users are paying the application even if they can't login.

The company is not going to disappear in the next 5 years. On the contrary, it's going to receive more money.

So the only "bad" thing is, what will I write in my CV in 5 years?

lesson of the day:
if you enter the office toilet while chewing gum, the simultaneous smell of shit and jaw movement will lead your brain to think you're eating shit

My life could get worse, but it's really shitty now.

Suffering from a serious back injury since last year, my health has been not so positieve lately.
It put a toll on my mood, which in turn asked it's price regarding my relationship. Needless to say that did not go well. Already a fe months single but we kept in touch.

Three days ago my back injury returned, and was unable to lead a normal life. Constant pain, coyld not even move in the house. Even going to the toilet was a terrible experience because when you move, you're in a world of pain.

I asked my ex girlfriend to help me, since she was the only one having a key to my house.

When she arrived i hoped to have some moral support and to help me mive around, ensuring i would not injure myself any more.

Instead i received the cold shoulder. When she wanted to help pe up she did it a bit too hard and the pain sheered thrpughout my body. Screaming in pain.

She promptly left, leaving keys behind.

The hardest part is that she just left without me being able to explain clearly why i screamed. She thought i was yelling at her while in reality i was yelling due to the immense pain.

After that i had to cut ties forever. Tabula rasa. So i removed everything that is related to that time and locked it in my vault.

Since then i can hardly focus, my mibd is numb and i cannot think straight. The alcohol and other sedatives are probably also involved, but still i feel my life is a mountain of depressing shit.

Needed to vent. And yes i post this because i have a need for some understanding, yes for now i crave for some attention and some encouraging, supportive words. I'm left With no other options since the person i wanted it from the most has simply left... And the fact i am unable to actually be social outside...

Fuck friends and relationships, right?

This is the third time a recruiter calls me while I am shitting on the toilet.
It's one of two, they call me too often. Or I shit a lot

Damn it, someone messed up the coffemachine.. every single toilet is occupied

I think we have to fire the new cleaning lady...

It's been literally 1,5 hours that I've been sitting on the toilet.

Thank you devRant, thank you.

So tired that I literally sat down to take a shit on a toilet that had the seat over down...

This is a shit post:

Once upon a time, I went to work.... and decided I can shit at work... it was very nice.. I did that a couple of times... at some point, while siting there.. alone, I thought... 'I am getting paid to do this',

so I started shitting everyday at work as it was very worthy but then...

one day I went back home and I had to take a dump.... and though... 'but why should I, no one is paying me to do so'?!... and I didn't...

With time passing by, My ability to shit at home was deprived, the joy that I had shitting at work became a necessity... and the weekends.... long and stagering, but Mondays made me fill... everything with joy.

Capitalism has manipulated me... into making me love Mondays, making them innevitable for me, Capitalism has brainwashed me into being an obedient slave, we must rise and destroy each and every toilet in the companies in which we work or else...

I don't see how I would be able to go on vacations... for 2-3 weeks...

Didn't know that there is an "Android for toilet" version :D

Software developers are like a toilet. Just trying to do their damn job, but end up taking everyone's shit.

First time working remote.

My manager sent us all remote. I am a student in apprenticeship with a school doing remote work too.

I caught a slight diharrea, doing some C in the WC.

Is this distubing if I find myself more productive on the toilet ? xD

-Friday
Me: *pushes fix for an issue in app*

-Tuesday, the next week
Colleague: "Hey, dude, fid you fix that issue?"
Me: "Yeah, it's available since Friday morning"
Colleague: *e-mails me screenshot with the issue still present*
Me: "That's odd, let me check that on your machine"
Me: *opens the app on his machine, the issue really is there, starting to freak out that I messed up the repo*
Me: "Why the hell would that not work... wait a sec, lemme check something.."
Me: *checks the app version and discovers that it's from 2 months ago*
Me (turns on colleague): "I guess, you should update it to see the newest functionality"
Me: *goes to the toilet, locks himself up, cries*

This one isn't so much a rant but a short story about how small the world is.

Basically, I am a college student and I've fallen into the "Thinkpad Hipster" Group, more specifically the guy who runs Linux ( Arch, in this case ) learns some mostly irrelevant language, in this case Haskell, which while useful isn't really relevant in the modern world.

So this is where the story begins, I am sitting on the train to college and I am reading through a book on Haskell on my X240, so all is fine, when I notice some guy sitting in front of me who looks like an older version of me, I then notice that he's also using a Thinkpad, now I'm curious as to which, because I love the laptops, I see he has an X240 Aswell, oh, sweet, eventually he gets up to go to the toilet and looks over my shoulder at my laptop screen and sees that I'm learning haskell, when he comes back he begins to try and help me, which I was surprised at because so few people would know the language, when he showed me his laptop he was running almost the same setup as me, it was similar to a "Glitch in the Matrix" Moment, I truly didn't expect anyone to be running near the exact same stuff as me, look so similar and also be in the same area as me, that made my day knowing that some people also do the same stuff as me.

Am I the only one who's noticed that recently ever innovation out there would appear to be along the following lines "We/'ve added our product to the Internet of Things and have integrated Machine Learning to improve our product, why? Well for literally absolutely no fucking reason, it/'s a toilet brush"

Please add face masks and hand sanitizer and toilet rolls on the table for the avatars😆😷🧻🧤

I'm so fucking upset with this shitty iPhone. I can't believe there are people who are actually *paying* real money for this crap. Thankfully I am getting paid to use one, otherwise I would flush it in the toilet (but then even the toilet would reject it).

WanBLowS Vusta is more stable than this piece of shit that you call code. Yet you call yourself a programmer? Goddammit, even the shit that I dump in the toilet looks better. Because at least that thing is honest about being shit, unlike this craptacular mess that you call an application. Maybe consider kill -9 $(pidof life).

Whenever I'm stressed out on a bug or what not...

I find some of my best ideas have come from sitting on the toilet

Good question, what wasn't bad about 2020?

As far as good things go.. well, COVID-19 actually. Back in February the lockdown began in Belgium, and while many people got bored out of their minds, I actually became a lot more productive. So many projects started back then, and I got a lot better at programming because of it. Now I can confidently write most bash stuff without ever looking anything up. And the code is maintainable, on account of putting everything into functions. You can literally navigate the code just by looking at it. On older code I always had issues with that.

I'm very glad that essential travel even back then wasn't really restricted. Because my bank is retarded about online banking, I have to go to the bank every so often to check my balance. At the time I tended to do that late in the evening, when nobody else was outside and I had the entire town to myself. That was one of the travels considered essential. So I kept doing it and made that my biweekly walk. I really enjoyed that. Gets your mind off things.

Bad things would be the utter stupidity that the general public had shown me during that pandemic. Burning down 5G antennas and not even getting the right ones, toilet paper, 5G death beams in street lamps?! They even sent death threats to telco workers over sensationalist bullshit from what IIRC was just a random Twitch streamer. Those people should just fucking kill themselves, choke yourselves in that pile of toilet paper you got yourself and then called yourself financially challenged. You braindead fucking retards!

Another dev-related thing is the normalization of SJW terminology. Now even "blind playthrough" gets your ass banned on Twitch. I saw a tweet about a Twitch employee (I think) proudly saying that they implemented it. Most upvoted comment on it was from a blind person, asking why they did this and not made the Twitch app more friendly to use for blind users. They too thought this was bullshit. Yet it still got added in, and more and more people are starting to think that "this is fine". Hell even that "this is necessary".

What annoys me the most is that this mostly comes from the US, where around that time they laid their knee on George Floyd, and didn't fix their legal system at all. As a European it baffles me since we have many immigrants here (the Drumpf even called Belgium a hellhole over it) and we just don't give a shit about whether or not they are "truly Belgian". We just let them live their daily lives like everyone else. Imagine just not giving a shit. Imagine not bothering them, not with racism, not with reverse racism, not with anything. Just let them do their thing and that's it. Yet despite Belgium being one of the most inclusive countries in the fucking world, I still got called a racist many times for asking.. why did you implement this? Why this, and not tackling the problem at its actual and pretty fucking obvious core?

So all in all I can only hope that 2021 will get a little bit better. But that's the same thing I said in 2019, and it didn't quite come true.

If coding was a thing 100+ years ago, we'd have quotes by great men like "You won't have space for new ideas unless you shit out the old ones in the toilet." which would be an alternative for "the toilet is the best place to think of algorithms and fixes."

How software engineer fix a broken lock 😂
Also known as "USB validation"

So I'm sitting on the toilet in my work, wondering how much time is left till I beat the specific impulse of a Raptor engine, and all of sudden the emergency allarms go off.

Weighting my options now: die in a fire or some kind of explosion, or go downstairs without ending *the thing*.

Dying Lannister-way or going out of the building and meeting my colleagues, with a very weird smile on my face.

...

I think I just discovered new levels of fast when it comes to using toilet paper.

Just read a comment on rant that stated "You’d be surprised as how disgusting people are especially in the work setting.". In regard to bathrooms. This reads true, for my current place of work

I was about to reply to that, but I thought this is worthy of a rant of its own. Allow me to quote some emails...

"We have had reports of excrement being left on toilet seats, which surely could be seen by the person responsible before they left the cubicle. "

"very poor toilet hygiene in some the ladies toilets.

Firstly, someone person should I say.... has used a toilet brush to clear a blockage in the Ladies loo nearest [removed]. They obviously couldn't unblock the toilet due to the density of the blockage and therefore.. returned the brush to it's holder full of the blockage!! "

"The phantom "snot" wiper is back and is using the back of the toilet door nearest the [removed] as a tissue! Again.. the poor Cleaner has had to clean this up... "

"Toilet paper being put in the Urinal blocking the system in [removed] and faeces being left on the toilet floor in [removed]. This goes without saying that this can't go on and it's not the cleaners job to be cleaning such messes! "

Its ever worse in our other office that contains a call centre. A lady was fired for leaving shit in the stairwells on multiple instances. She had been fired from her last role for the same thing.

There were also reports of subway subs been left in the toilet bowl.

You also find the most curious items in the waste bins (they have no lid, we're not search through them - just to make that clear) everything from half eaten sandwiches to watermelon.

Team meetings on the toilet

The best codes born, when you are on the toilet.

oh fuck there's no toilet paper i just wanna buy ONE SIX-PACK OF THEM OK

My fucking campus building.
Really. Built a new one in 2017, we started to study there since Oct 2017 til now and lemme tell something: it's shit. My classroom's paint cracked 2 months in. My classroom lacks a projector which is standard for every classroom to have one back in the old campus building. But nooope. No projector for 1.25 years, at least by now compensated by a 50" TV which whoever the fuck installed the thing took the *only* stock HDMI cable. Shitty floor tiling (think r/mildlyinfuriating but worse), shitty toilet that would break down every 2 weeks and "over the top" gymnasium with air ventilation so bad it feels like Hitler's fucking oven every time we got in.

my way of getting unstuck is going to toilet, thats why I drink soo much liquid on work, kuz then I know that when in need, I can go "TO THE THINKING ROOM"

Obviously the only right choice for my bathroom:

!rant
I've lost all fucking motivation to do anything at the moment.
Fuck not even gaming is much fun anymore.
Also amazing that I have so little time on Mondays that I can't even eat properly.
Literally living on caffeine, a spoonful of, like, porridge and water on Mondays.

And of course the nice bistro is closed on Mondays.
Then there is that motherfucker of person at school that just randomly starts sharing weird ass details with you and promptly started to break out in tears when she failed maths today.

Like fucking hell, then for some reason the same person fucks up everything in her volleyball group by literally doing nothing and complains when she gets hit by a fucking volleyball, like, she doesn't even attempt to dodge it catch it.

So much for that fuckery.

Then there's these little brats that just completely play asshole and are being jackasses to everyone including upperclassmen and teachers.
Grab em by the throat and fucking put them in a toilet.
Literally the reason why our school is generally known as the 'Drecksloch', literally dirt hole.

The fucking volume is driving me batshit insane in school to the point where I just start yelling at people.
Fucking kids, it literally doesn't cost you shit to just shut the fuck up.

Okay, vent over.
Sorry for that.

The most important skill you can have is doing things without shame.

Shamelessly stay in your bed all weekends watching PewDiePie, never brushing your teeth, eating Doritos from under your pillow and peeing into empty Mountain Dew bottle if you feel like doing it.

Shamelessly spend your vacation sitting in the toilet with a laptop browsing reddit.

Shamelessly cut your product in half and ship it if you don't feel like perfecting it.

Shamelessly admit that you don't know something when you messed something up at work.

If you are a millennial like me, chances are your gen x parents told you that you have to be perfect / really good to succeed and to be worthy.

You know what? Fuck your parents then. Fuck my parents as well. Admitting this behavior wrong and actually giving up on living like something is always watching is the best thing you can do to your mental health.

I'm lazy. I write "any" here and there when they force me to do typescript at work. When I need a sidebar, I go and copy-paste that jquery snippet. I write like one article a month at best and I really want to say "fuck it" if I just don't feel like it.

You can always give up on everything and it's perfectly fine. This doesn't make you any kind of looser or something. You're perfectly fine.

Too bad I'm only beginning to master that.

Dialogue when I entered the room of a co-worker, and it wasn't an individual office.

Me: YO MAMA her son bitching 'bout compiler licence?
Him: Kiss my ass!
Me: Could cram a wet roll of toilet paper down your pants.
Him: Yeah that'd come pretty close.

Other co-workers: WTF?

I dropped my phone in the toilet.

Sitting on the toilet seat
.
.
.
Gets me in the zone

So I'm on vacation right now to visit family. I received an email from the head of department that, due to our department getting 7 new hires in one day, the seating arrangement has been changed.

My new seat is next to this one developer who's old enough to be my dad. He's a very nice guy and all, but the problem is he burps ALL. THE. TIME. I've never met anybody more gassy. His burps don't stink, thank God, but they're loud enough that it's seriously jarring.

You know how us devs can be completely in the zone until some marketing dickbag taps you on the shoulder and asks you to check your email or help with something that is absolutely not your job and you completely lose all focus and have to start over? Its exactly like that, except it happens every 10 minutes.

Another thing is, my back is now facing away from the wall, towards the rest of the office. The nearest section to mine is management. That means that anybody, including the CEO, can walk up right behind me and see what I'm doing at all times.

I really hate that. Id much rather be next to the wall to have some sort of privacy. Somehow sitting next to burpy guy is still the thing I'm most annoyed about though.

I tried to ask for a different seat, but my manager effectively said that I have no choice but to sit there because that guy is part of my team, and teammates should sit together. He forgot about the fact that, while the work him and I do is indeed related, I've been working on a solo project for the past few months and I don't need to be next to anybody in particular because I'm the only one working on this thing. Theoretically, I could sit in the toilet with my laptop and get my work done just fine. Maybe when I talk to him face to face in the office I can convince him to have some mercy on me.

The bright side is I'm very excited about meeting those 7 new hires I mentioned. They seem to be smart, capable people so I look forward to working with them and learning from them. Every cloud has a silver lining. 😊

When i participate game jams from the toilet and end in toilet.
(best record is 5 hours in toilet. Literally)

FUCK YOU MAGNETO!!!!!

what a backstabing cunt

imagine you're trying to prevent world war 3 from happening with someone you've been training for months.

out of nowhere, this FUCKING PICE OF SHIT decides to become a vilain.

in the midst of the event he tries to deflect a bullet that ricochets into my spine.
thanks asshole, now I can't walk

i thought we were friends man, we bonded over painful shit

like ok, they killed your mom and made experiments with you,

but it was just the NAZIS, LITERALLY EVERYBODY HATES THEM.
take it out on them, not the entire humanity bro

you unlocked your powers thanks to me, you couldn't even lift the toilet seat.

and you don't even give a fuck about mutants, you power hungry bitch

you only care about total domination

"oh no, someone save us from this mutant whose real name is eric"
im so scared right now

Why the fuck people advertise themselves as 24h service if they work 9..17?! I need a fucking plumber to change leaky toilet seat. Called over ten different guys, and, guess what? They don't give a shit!

Meanwhile I used to have clients calling in the middle of the night or early in the morning. And I DON'T work 24/7.

What's fucking wrong with this world where you have to study long years and buy pricey tools and be available to the client all the time, and on the other hand you don't have to even start a college, just have right tools and materials, and you have better job? I could become a plumber. At least my work wouldn't be outsourced to India...

Sorry you Indian guys ;-)

I think this a perfect anecdote of where tech is going nowadays:

I moved my bowels on one of those high-tech Japanese toilets: it allowed you to control the seat temperature, cleaned your butt with spray (with an additional "ladies" mode), had several modes of flushing (1, 2, and "eco"), automatically lifted and closed the lid, played some music for you, had a remote controller for you to flush your shit at a distance.

But, guess what, IT DIDN'T FLUSH SHIT. It pathetically trying to flush my shit with 1000 different kinds of puny jets and draining modes but my heap of shit always bounced back because its flush was so weak that it couldn't push it.

I don't care if the seat warmer went out of control and burned my ass or if the butt cleaning jet didn't reach my anus,
JUST DO WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO AND FLUSH MY SHIT.

Toilets in the computer science department.
Hard working students

I was excited to get back to work on a major project today. I was thinking in the shower, on my bike, on the train, on the walk from the train to my office, on the elevator, about how I would approach it and came up with a good plan. Again, I was excited.

Then, on our standup call, a dude says he needs access to the util server I manage, and just happens to not know shit about Linux. So I spend the next hour and a half walking him through simple SSH commands, and completely lose my train of thought for the project I was planning to tackle.

Now, I'm seething on the toilet, hoping to reset.

You thought real fear is deploying to production friday afternoon?

Hah nope.
Real fear is forgetting to flock(); a public toilet door while doing a dump();

There's this one lead dev in our dpt who keeps posting pictures to our company's Teams 'general' channel with shit in the toilet after someone forgot to either flush or use the brush.
Caption usualy says "I don't mean to cause nausea to anyone, but we are all adults here and should know how to flush / use the toilet brush".

Does every company have this guy or are we the chosen ones?

I often hold pee and poop to close my parenthesis for a function and before I rush to the toilet. There's nothing else make me so enthusiastic except writing code, although I'm just a newbie developer.

Git pooed

Have to go to the bathroom super bad...

Sit on the toilet...

About to to my thing...

Think about that bug I need to fix in a project that's due today...

Sphincter tightens in response to the stress...

I guess I'll try again after I fix the problem.

I'm implementing some Italian web servicies.

The server response is "INDISPONIBILITÀ TEMPORANEA" (temporarily not available).

I'm Italian, but I'm not used with localized error messages. When I read this message I tought to a server in a toilet.

!rant
Medium long story about POP!_OS

TL;DR : A true K.I.S.S. OS. Very well designed UI. In general suitable for everyone. Any distro-hoppers MUST try out. If your current OS is already heavily customized to your needs, DON'T bother with POP. (Read till the end if you are on toilet, nothing to lose)

Backstory : I am never a fanboy of anything although I am loyal to the tools I use daily. So OS is also something I picked and use to meet my needs except when I was a student. My first linux experience was about a decade ago with ubuntu. Have tried almost all kinds of light-weight and minimal distros after that (lubuntu, arch, mint, puppylinux, fedora, centos and others I forgot) during my student years.

I like all things minimal. ("Keep It Simple Stupid" is my email signature.) When I started working, Windows became the sole OS I use since it met my needs better than others. Except that one time when I tried Elementary. Although I found it a good OS, it didn't get installed as a dual-boot. I don't find Elementary minimal. It is one of well designed OSs but I still think it can be improved. (Plus I had this weird feeling that it is similar to Mac OS)

At the start of this year, Widows alone was not enough for my needs. Decided to look for a minimal linux distro. My old i7 ASUS has 8GB RAM and roughly 250GB free storage. So I am not that worried about hardware requirements. My main struggle is downloading stuffs. (Few of you guys must know by now the speed of my internet LOL.) Well, even if I had a good speed, I will still look for minimal distro as first priority. So I went with minimal ubuntu image and xubuntu environment. Although I do not like the UI design, it is acceptable. Through out the years, I have configured it to suit my needs and currently pretty happy with it.

Thoughts on POP!_OS : To me, it is literally like meeting a young girl who is perfect for my life. She has the perfect body, beautiful face, amazing appearance and good manners. And she is young, of course there is a lack of experience issue. But it can be taught and she has a very high chance to become a wonderful lady if she continues like this. Only crap is I already have someone and in a committed relationship. So I could not go any further than introduction. I do save her contact and will keep in touch with her online. You know? Things change. Things always change somehow.

What I Like about Home Office?
My squeaky clean toilet. No colleagues who Block the toilet, no colleagues who seem to forget their bathroom cleanliness at home

If we had a devRant vote on the most annoying word of 2018, I'd vote for "token".
Token here, token there, token yourself in the rear!

Some project I'm currently working on has to fetch 4 different tokens for these syphillis-ridden external CUNTful APIs.
Your mother inhales dicks at the trainstation toilet for one token!

Our neighbors need more toilet paper badly. I wonder if they’ll go door to ask asking people to spare a few squares next 🤔

Things common people do while in the toilet:
Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp, Games, etc...
Things I do while in the toilet:
DevRant

best solutions came to you when your in shower or in toilet.

Better than toilet paper... WD40

Legit witnessed flushing a CD/DVD in a toilet fixes it

I have so many conflicting thoughts

Most embarrassing interview rejection was not even in person, it was over the phone.

The company that I was going to work for (quite a big one mind you), scheduled to phone me at 2PM, I was preparing mentally for 2PM, so I took my girlfriend to lunch at 1. Just to relax and calm myself before the phoned me.

It was 34 degrees (celcius - I think that's about 93 farenheit? somewhere close) outside and I was waiting for her to finish her smoke (she was in the smoking area).

They phoned me, and it caught me completely off-guard. My years of knowledge just seemed to flush down the toilet at that moment, and I utterly felt stupid talking to the guy over the phone. It was a first for me, and I hope that it never happens again - he basically stopped me, told me that I had better not apply before I know what I am talking about (as I was wasting his time), and then put down the phone on me..

Worst part was that my girlfriend came back right then and asked me if I am ready for the interview. I hung my head in shame because I was ashamed to tell her that I fucked it up, because you know, I kind of needed the job (the one I had at the stage was shitty).

Don’t you love it how almost every toilet no matter the manufacturer has the same toilet seat mount and you don’t even think of it when buying a toilet seat but apple CANT FUCKING DECIDE whether they want lightning or usb-c

when you have spent hours to fix bug, then found the solution when you are in the toilet break

That moment when you need badly to go to the toilet and your boss stops you to have a long discussion

Not a dev related rant but more of a workplace rant.

I work in a business center with around 30 small offices. We share the common areas like kitchen, meeting rooms and bathroom.

Today, the cleaning lady told me to use the bathroom on the other side of the workplace because she spread bleach all over the men's restrooms floor.

The reason? Someone peed completely outside the toilet. I understand men can miss a couple of drops but a complete load? It's not the first time it has happened but I can only think he enjoys doing it.

I wish I had my own bathroom...

!dev #SocialIsolationIsBad #I'm_waiting_for_this_script_to_finish

I'm the one who intentionally creeps out everyone who like her, and then sits on the toilet shedding internal tears of self-pity that "nobody likes me" and then does the comfort talk of "I'm a strong independent moldy potato and need nobody".

Anyways, came full circle now can somebody hand me more toilet papers, please? 🚽

The amount of times i go to the toilet and solve a code problem whilst there...

I think all offices should just have toilets for chairs.

I hate silicon valley.

They enable so much of the state's and federal government's bullshit, the corporations and the banks subversion and destruction of society.

It's time to pop their fucking tech bubble.

From here on out, any time you hear or read the words 'startup', be sure to comment with "you mean speculative marketing investments?"

Because most tech runs on shit-tier semi-polished iterations of glorified CRUD anyway, thats all most of it is. And it 100% relies on grabbing network share through massive advertising and presence campaigns. A lot of vc money is being flushed straight down the toilet and this is a point to emphasize. Crash the fucking tech sector. Do it.

It'll have a knock on effect to the advertising space, which will put the hurt on google's bottom line when they and their ilk are already under pressure for all the poisonous, monopolist shit they pull like helping china build their surveillance tech.

Extra points for emphasizing "pot-fueled ideas sketched out on napkins while sitting in fucking chipotle, in unwashed sweater vests, originated by guys who are fresh out of college and never ran a business in their life. 90% of them fail in the first year. VCs and investor are losing their shirts." etc.

The entire dishonest fucking trade relies on other people's money, being bought out in either techno land-grabs or turf-protection e.x. atlassian acquiring trello, a **glorified todo app**.

Thats the business model. Hell go build your own and make a buck.

Build your own. Build something better and most of all... *fuck silicon valley*.

Let it burn, let burn, let it burn.

On the toilet at work after dealing with a cunt of a customer, decided fuck it, let's install termux, nano and do some shit in both ways

looks like my Airbnb host likes to debug at the toilet.. a lot.. 😂

So I log into a great new site with my development machine. 64G of RAM, and 2 hex core CPU's; GTX 1070 video, SSD, etc. 4K display screen. (Motherboard is 5 years old, not trying to brag, just give context). I regularly put 8 pages of text on the screen side by side. Split ergonomic keyboard.

It wants me to load a mobile app for "full access".

Yea, why look at the world with wide open eyes when you can view everything through a cardboard toilet paper tube and type with your thumbs???

== John ==

I hide in the toilet

Goes to the shitter...
Takes huge dump...
Toilet paper status: null...

Let me guess, a Monday??

In today's episode, I did all programming tasks before 10 AM roles around while sitting on the toilet. The rest of the day, I shall just sit in my bed and try to edit this stupid video.

I should also look for more jobs, but hell, I studied so much to do what I like but there's literally no market for it... I kinda feel the liberal arts students now. Lol.

I hate office parties. It's not because I have the social skills of a rock. Language issues (and not the ones computers use) cripple you socially. Especially if you have social awkwardness to start with.
I'm just hiding in the toilet right now, waiting for the clock to strike 6 so that I can make some excuse of an appointment and leave. xD

I'm doing a school project with one of my friends right now (little game in c++). He doesn't know c++ so I'm teaching him a little since he mainly does some mathematical functions and stuff (he's really good at maths). I told him "if you break anything I'm going to kill you" and he knows that I can be an asshole but he doesn't know about git and stuff. So I decided to play a little joke.

I put one single line into the code during he was on the toilet:
while ( new long long );

And I've been watching his reaction for about 1h now. I can see the sweat in his face but he's too shy to tell me its not working anymore😂😂 he's been trying to fix it but didn't find out yet. Let's look how far it will go

"Suggest an AV/AM product, Avast refuses to install."

I do malware research as a hobby and have for a while, so I can generally spot when something's up before I even run a program. If i'm unsure about it (or know something's up and wanna see its effects for S&Gs) I throw it into one of a variety of VMs, each with a prepped, clean, standardized "testing" state.

I see no point to AV/AM products, especially as they annoy me more than anything since they can't be told not to reach into and protect VMs (thereby dirtying up my VM state, my research, crashing the VM hypervisor and generally being *really* annoying) and they like to erase samples from a *read-only, MOUNTED* VHDX.

However, normal people need them, so I usually suggest this list:
• MBAM is good and has a (relatively) low memory footprint, but doesn't have free realtime protection.
• Avast is very good as it picks up a lot, but it eats a FUCKTON of resources. It also *really* likes to crash VM hypervisors if it sees anything odd in them.
• AVG is garbage. Kill it with fire.
• Using Windows Defender is like trying to block the rain with an umbrella made of 1-ply toilet paper.
• herdProtect is amazing as it's basically a VirusTotal client but it's web-based and not currently available to be downloaded. (Existing copies still work!)
• Kaspersky. Yes, it spied on US gov't workers. No, they don't care about anyone BUT US gov't workers. Yes, it's pretty good.
• BitDefender: *sees steam game* "Is this ransomware?"

hope this helps

Found this on Twitter.. 😂

I know you are reading this rant from a toilet

> Drinking much because it's a hot day.
> Have to go to the toilet
> Cleaner is cleaning the toilets so nobody can go.

Every fucking time gaaaarh

I feel like I have started to grasp the very essence of software development
For 2 weeks now, I have either slept 3-1.30 hours per night or not at all
And I can't drink coffee without spending 2 hours in toilet after each cup
FUCK😣

As always,

Go to the f***ing toilet and inspiration will pop in your head.

Man, how many times should I post this here? (smirks)

7 hour dev call 🤨

When the CEO sends an email "start working on the project ASAP" all the METHODOLOGIES GO DOWN THE TOILET..... fuck you , you ignorant son of a bitch

An old man in my company walked in the restroom right after I entered, I was destroying the toilet when I heard him leave without WASHING HIS FUCKING HANDS, some time later I saw this animal communicating and shaking hands with somebody. Have you been grossed out by an event like this before?

My biggest pet peeve is whenever you're in the toilet, you know, doing a number 1, a lazy number 1, a number 2 or the combo. For most toilets, including in our workplace, its very clear that the door is locked. Usually it is either written or signified by the color red. Despite all this, you still have those people who will almost batter down the door despite being CLEARLY LOCKED.

Fucking hell, that grinds my nuts.

So something annoying about the bathrooms here is that they are automatic flush only. There's always used toilet paper in the bowl because as soon as you move an INCH to wipe, it flushes. And you can't flush again.

When your on the toilet and come across a tech video you want to watch but can't because of the audio. It would be weird... need to start taking headphones to the john.

Me and my friend were having a coffee in a coffee shop and then she told me the story of how she got fired.
So back then storing data on cloud was not that convenient and employees in her company used to carry softwares and other stuff in pendrives.
This one day after completing a MAJOR project for a very irritating client, my friend and her team decided to take the day off and celebrate this victory in a pub.
She got drunk and then came the call of her boss saying that they needed to showcase the software right then to the client.

Being always responsible and committed to her work my friend had decided to keep a backup in her pendrive which she kept in her breast pocket of her shirt.

So she goes into the washroom to freshen up, bends down near the toilet to vomit out liquor and lo!

The pendrive slid all the way down from her pocket into the toilet sink.
She didn't notice and flushed and down went the whole project into the sewer.

Moral - life fucks you in ridiculous ways.

Ps. She left her laptop at her home which was very far from her office and the pub. The team had to go to her home first to retain the project and eventually got seriously late. Boss didn't like it as the client was a real pain in the ass and this was a big project too and being the team lead my friend was supposed to deliver as expected.
She got fired.

Lucky shit: no need to clean ass/toilet

Lucky call: Boss/Client asks you immediately after you say Hello if you were ill, and leaves you alone

Today I had both!

Hard times are coming....

Me: I've just formatted my computer for the nth time. I will only keep crucial software installed from here on out.

5 Minutes Later . . .

Me: sudo apt install fortune cowsay aa bb cmatrix toilet xeyes lolcat figlet pacman4console

People who take 2 places on a busy busride deserve to moved to the toilet.

Rude, selfless scum, go sleep with the shit of other people instead of making my life harder. I've been traveling for 16 hours. There's still 8 hours left and I would like to sleep, recharge my phone and that next to my traveling companion... But you egoistic creatures just have to be a fucking waste of space. To me you are almost the lowest trash of society.

I should simply sit down on your worthless gadgets.
I should simply smash your feet with my luggage.
I should simply remove you from the history of this planet

EAT FUCKING SHIT AND DIE

Edit: can't even do math anymore. I have 10 hours of travel left

This week's huge fuck you goes to... Drumroll please...
Slack!

You earned this prize for your stupid auto-sleep if there is no interaction for x minutes!

I don't want to install your crap software on my system, so i am forced to alt tab every 15 minutes just to press space and then delete, because God forbids i am being productive on my freaking IDE, second computer, test device and/or meeting!
Also lovely how phone notifications are not sent on mobile unless you are on sleep mode... How could I ever ask for urgent notifications if i take a small break? Oh, right! I should go to sleep mode, so people will think i didn't touch your shitware for 30 mins every fucking time i go to the toilet! :D

Please get your prize whenever possible!

When you Render something and the name is just perfect!

Translation: Catched encoding buying Toilet Paper

Imagine.

You have a beard. You are in a restaurants toilet. The beard likes to eat half of the meal itself. You want to clean your beard, so you sprinkle your beard. Now its clean and beautiful. Then you realise - there is only one of those air dryers. You are screwed.

No experience with paid work yet, but for sysadmin work I'd mostly look at the environment and how the previous admin left the premises, and why they left. I wouldn't want to work with a bird's nest for a server room, that's got everything jammed into one clusterfuck of a god-function sort of server or something crazy like that. Separation of services, security, wire management, all those things matter because that's the state that you'll be working in, and cleaning up someone else's mess.. it makes my blood boil.

Payment is important, and if the job doesn't pay well, don't take it. Or if they place a wee bit too much value in those expensive pieces of toilet paper called certificates, it denotes incompetence from the employer by being unable to gauge your skills on their own (and I get that there's time management involved, but come on.. how long can it take to have a conversation with someone to gauge what their skillset is). But the working environment in particular is of vital importance. If it's all going to be yours to build, great (and don't you dare to half-ass it -_-). But if it's already been partially done by someone else, they'd better done it well.

I'll tell all my dev employees to use devrant. Why? Because I'll definitely rant about him/her, so he should do the same about me.

• I listen to music
• I eat/drink something
• I go to the toilet and think about unrelated stuff (which might actually provide a solution)
• I go to sleep

I try the top one first, and if it doesn't work, the next one, and so on, until I am done with the last one.

There are at least 3 posters in the bathrooms at the office saying please put the toilet seat down before you leave, yet people still can't do that

Write an app or design a toilet that checks consistency of my poop and tells me what to eat
Suggestions are welcome on what to call it

How cool is that?
I met an old American couple (in their 70s), a half Korean and half Japanese guy in his 20s, some Chinese girls in their 20s just in the hotel I have checked in yesterday.
It is interesting how a city that is at the center of Turkey is so full with people from other countries.
Tbh I can swear that here are more Chinese people than Turks lmao

On a side note: The old American couple is just a room away from me.
The walls are so thin that I have heard how the American man kind of "screamed" to push his shit into the toilet lol

To all devs out there who don't use the toilet flush in company: FUCK YOU! I WISH YOU 100 BUGS EVERY DAY AND MAY YOUR FUCKING CODE NEVER COMPILE YOU DISGUSTING PIECE OF SHIT!!

The joys of working remotely: you're on the toilet, happily dumping, with your phone in your hand. Suddenly you receive a message from your manager who wants to chat about something urgent.

How do I explain the reason why he has to wait a couple of minutes?

Started reading about toilet bidets, read some posts and one caught my attention cuz the disclaimer at the top.

"Warning: This is a review of a bidet. There will be unabashed talk of human excrement and the body parts that produce it. If that sort of thing offends you, then do yourself and everyone else a favor and stop reading now. Offended people screaming in the comments will not be tolerated. You've been warned."

😂

I hate only a handful of things in this world. Including: stepping in water with socks on, when the toilet paper rips, and business people.

So... Yesterday I ordered a meal and it had whole jalapenos in it. I didn't order jalapeños. I love the taste but I hate toilet visits after. Hence, was putting them aside. But then I got into that new code, jumping around this new project I'll be working on. We were getting intimate. I liked the architecture, I liked it a lot - it was using event sourcing and respected CQRS. Suddenly I realised I ate everything. Including jalapeños. And the only reason I noticed is because I was eating with my hands. And my eye got watery. And I wiped it.

So, yeah. Yesterday for the first time in my life I was pouring milk into my eyes. Does this count as a proper dev rant? I don't know. Fuck the protein interface that can't process simple food orders, though.

Forcing the dev to be the only one doing QA should be considered animal cruelty. That's like making the plumber take a shit after every new toilet installation. That was a terrible analogy.

When you finish using the bathroom, realize there is no toilet paper, and have to stealthily move to another stall for said toilet paper. Why have we not automated toilet paper renewal.

[this post is not a joke, it's about health, ladies might want to avoid reading it as it about defecating]

i did mindfulness during shitting and i think more people shud try this.
instead of just pooping without giving any attention to it or using phone while pooping, you can use your phone for guided meditation with apps like Trip, Calm, ...
While shitting I noticed small things like the water tap, I slowly rotated it; first the water came in drops(listen to it), then in a small stream, then a turbulent flow.
If your attention drifts away, gently observe that its a thought and let it pass.
focus on what is happening right now. Feel how your anus vibrates to fart, giving a tingling sensation.
focus on how the turd comes out of the anus, the way it expands your sphincter muscles and finally drops in the crapper.

Practice gratitude. I realised how lucky I'm to shit comfortably in solidarity, many people in the world don't even have such privilege.
I feel good that I've flush mechanism in my toilet and 24x7 water supply. The shitting time can be utilised in a very positive way like this.
Look at your shit and wonder this used to be food, and be grateful to your digestive system.

By taking one 30 minute dump in the toilet per day to relax and read other people's code on my phone