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Search - "employee"
Excuse me boss!
During increment time
Boss : There are 50 bricks on an Plane. If u drop 1 outside. How many
Employee : That's easy, 49.
Boss : What are the three steps to put an elephant into a fridge?
Employee : Open the fridge. Put the elephant in. Close the fridge
Boss : What are the four steps to put a deer into the fridge?
Employee : Open the fridge. Take the elephant out. Put the deer in. Close the fridge.
Boss : It's lion's birthday, all animals are there except one, why?
Employee : Because the deer is in the fridge.
Boss : How does an old woman cross a swamp filled with crocodiles?
Employee : She crosses it because the crocodiles are at the lion's birthday
Boss : Last question. In the end the old lady still died. Why?
Employee : Er....I guess she drowned....err...
Boss : No! She was hit by the brick fallen from the Plane that's the problem, you are not focused on your job....You may leave now!!!
Moral: If your boss has decided to screw u, no matter How much u prepare u will be screwed.19
Real HR policy ...
HR Manager in Heaven!!!
One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Manager was hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was greeted by God himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said God. "
"Well, What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules."
And with that God put the HR Manager in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the hell wt beautiful golf course. And a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. they talked about old times.
She met the Devil who was really a nice guy and She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave.
Everybody waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found God waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and God came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and in heaven. Now u must choose ur eternity,"
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So God escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her smiled and said:
"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee".😁😁😁
☝dedicated to all companies9
One time a company I worked for tried to fuck me over and not pay me the referral fee that was promised for referring an employee. They hired the person I referred for a position that was advertised as having a referral fee paid after 6 months.
After the 6 months were up, I went in to HR to ask when I could expect to see the money, and they said “oh, you’re not eligible to receive the referral bonus because we hired so and so as a contractor (full-time) instead of an actual full-time employee.” And I was like... fuck that shit, they never mentioned that to me and I didn’t burn a referral lead so they could hire the person as a contractor and avoid paying me the advertised fee. I was absolutely livid and couldn’t believe it after I had been expecting this money for 6 months.
I felt cheated and none of my colleagues at the company could believe they’d stoop so low to not pay a highly-valued employee an advertised referral bonus. I had lots of battles with management over it, and eventually ended up with a portion of the promised fee, but not the whole thing.27
I once met a very cute client. Inner me was saying to go and get this girl. But company's code of conduct is completely against it that an employee shouldn't ask his/her clients out with you or date with him/her. Even my colleagues knew me as a man of criteria. So I leave
the Code of Conduct and now she is my gf. :)12
Fucked up an sql join once and accidentally deleted myself from the employee table in the prod database. So I kinda fired myself... Good thing we had backups. 😂2
Co-worker presented her work by sharing her screen. She forgot to unshare.
She proceeded to open Chrome and search: "Can I sue co-worker if I get coronavirus because he coughed?"
Another employee said: "Your screen is showing" :/14
Facebook publicly announced that it won't build a backdoor into its services for the intelligence agencies as for the latest requests to weaken/remove the encryption.
I can only imagine the intelligence agencies going like this now:
NSA director: Alright, as expected they said no so they won't have more damage to their public image, lets go for plan A 2.0!
NSA employee: Aaaand that is?
NSA director: Serve them a FISA court order requiring them to do this shit anyways but also serve a gag order so they can't tell legally.
NSA employee: Ahh, fair enough, I'll get that rolling. By the way, how did we do this with WhatsApp's encryption again?
NSA director: Oh that one was simple. There's a backup function which nearly everyone uses on either Android/iOS which does plaintext backups to Google Drive/iCloud.
NSA employee: Oh, okay. How do we access that data again?
NSA director: PRISM/XKeyScore!
NSA employee: Right, but then still the issue of how we even collect the encrypted messages from Facebo...
NSA director: PRISM/XKeyScore as well, don't worry about that.
NSA employee: But, how'd we justify this....?
NSA director: We probably never have to as these programs operate outside of the public view but otherwise just call terrorism/pedophelia... BAM, done.
NSA employee: Gotya, let's put this into motion!26
At the Apple Store in my devRant hoodie and got noticed by an employee..
Her: what's your username?
Me: brod 😬, what's yours?
Her: julia! Have you seen the new MacBook Pro?
Turns out, there's no @julia, now I have a $2,800 MacBook that I didn't need (nope, not the pro, just the shit one).53
employee: I want growth in my role
company: *installs ping pong table*
company: *creates fully-stocked snack room*
company: *employs a live DJ in the office*
company: some people just aren't a good culture fit.6
Employee of a customer of my company asked if anyone was available for evening lessons of the basics if linux for his son because he needs this to go to the next year.
I'm going to teach the kid the basics tomorrow for as far as possible and will be paid as well 😊16
Imagine being a gitlab employee scrolling through devRant being the reason for 90% of todays rants6
It was great to see Gitlab not only being transparent, but also being so empathetic towards the employee and not bashing them at all. Instead they said the more things you do the more mistakes you make. And the system/process should have contingency so that human mistakes have some tolerance margins.
That is a great workplace!
I was asked to present a code I wrote previously. This was not planned. I shared my screen and presented. Things went well.
One employee asked me to search a particular term which was possibly related to an advance topic in the domain we were working on.
I opened Chrome and the first page had a Quora post: "Why my dull co-workers try to act smart and are not yet fired?".
Rubber duck company meeting in 1998:
Okay folks, our sales are plummeting, we need new ideas... NOW!
Employee: Let's brainwash developers! Make them think our ducks magically solve their debugging issues....
Other employees: *rofl*
CEO: Brilliant, let's do that.3
Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to my latest employee, Dave the Duck! Dave is the new head of debugging and took the job to support his out-of-hand caffeine addiction and 72 children (of which paternity tests are still being done on 10). Dave is also wanted in 4 countries as the leader of the popular gang, known as the Dangerous Ducks. Please do no feed Dave, as he is on a strict diet. #DaveTheDuck #ProgrammersTools #ImNotThatCrazy10
Friend asked me, "How does it feel being the CTO of a startup?"
Me: "I feel like the main character in one of those cartoons where train, going full speed, is running out of rail road, so he takes rails from behind the train and puts them in front. And the entire thing is on fire. And everyone you hire is trying to put it out with gasoline."
Friend: "Doesn't your CEO help?"
Me: "Well... He had never seen a train before, and he thought they operate on magic and wishful thinking. And he never realized they need rail track to even run. So... not really"
Friend: "So, it's pretty bad, ha?"
Me: "It's great actually. We just closed our seed round. We're about to launch beta. I might even get 5-6 hours of sleep this weekend 😅"10
Why are you
guys making me
So I have 600 LinkedIn contacts.
Most are recruiters.
So my feed is flooded with recruitement rants.
And success stories like this:
How they hired the guy who had
A 10 year gap in his employment.
Because they had to take care.
Of their sick pet hamster.
Hiring him was one of their best decisions.
He was a stellar employee.6
Agency: "Why don't you do more free work for us? When you do that we can give you better jobs for money?"
Me: "so if I do free work for you, I get to do paid work as a reward? ..you know that I am a freelancer, not your employee, don't you?"
Found a Google employee in street view getting lost and using paper map .. There are also seem to be 2 guides with him...
I find it kinda amusing9
I am a software engineer and my cousin is a Geek Squad employee for the local Best Buy. And he thinks we do the same thing.7
I recently found a company that used employee social security numbers as their login username and their MMDDYYYY as their password (which could not be changed) also their entire network was using a router with no wifi password set. :/8
I saw this yesterday and thought it's kind of nice. Probably not everybody will understand it as it's German. But the level of creativity is definitely gratifying19
Manager: "Good Morning"
Manager: "You are fired. I deserve a proper reply"
Employee: "I have put my entire focus on solving the problem the team members have been skipping for months. Anyways I will go"
Manager: "My bad, I will fire the other employee"8
So the guy who's pretty much in charge of this project allotted three hours yesterday for me to teach another employee how to use the tool I developed.
Within 20 minutes, the employee told me it was pretty straightforward and he didn't really have any questions. The only changes I need to make are minor clarification and organization changes to the documentation.
I feel pretty great.4
I see lots of rants about lack of sleep, working through the night etc!
People you need to sleep an average of 7 hours a night your body needs this to stop ill health. Working through the night/mega long hours for nearly two years nearly caused me to have a breakdown.
Please be healthy! Working Long hours doesn't make you cool or a more valued employee.6
Work your ass off for a month, packaging new software and deploying them. No one says anything.
One of our guys uploads a new autoupdating food menu provided by another company to our intranet. Takes a few minutes.
”OMG! You should be rewarded!”
”Employee of the month!”
”IT award of the month!
”Have my babies!”
A client asked me to work on a new website for them. They setup a WordPress site with a basic theme and asked for the following additions:
- Job application system
- Employee management
- Employee scheduling/holidays
- Online clock-in/out and pay calculation
- Training videos/modules for employees with progress tracking
And their budget... $75
My boss asked me to do tech support today as one of tech support employee was not feeling well.
The very first call i attended, went like:
Me : Sir, this is xyz support desk. How may i help you?
*Listening his problem*
Me : Sir solution is pretty simple. Just do a Right click on application shortcut icon and then select "Open File Location".
Client : where can i find "Right Click"?2
worst experience with a manager was the (female) one who got away with harassing a female employee for YEARS and thought it was ok because she thought they were friends.
She also retaliated (in ways that were hard to prove), played favorites, didn't know metrics or general business sense, couldn't do her employee's jobs but loved to tell them how they were wrong all the time, and then when she was fired, after the female coworker finally reported the ass slapping and the harassment based on disability, she went back into employee only areas with client personal information and thought taking selfies was ok (she was very quickly corrected and had to wipe her phone and memory card to ensure she hadn't been doing it when she wasn't caught, which cameras later proved she had been).
(I only sound calm. I will take a needle to her probably fake boobs and deflate them with glee if I ever see her again)4
Guys, Guys, Guys!
I've just won employee of the month! And you know what is even better? The elders of the internet allowed to lend the internet to me to use it in my speech! I couldn't be happier (they even know who I am!)10
Management knows shit about managing.
They ask us to do x and one month later they have the first meeting to discuss it... They didn't even plan it, only asked.
Its like asking a hamburger at Mc Donalds and letting the kind of hamburger for when it arrives:
"Hey, I want a hamburger"
Mc. Employee: "Which one , sir?"
"Doesn't matter, when it arrives we decide about it, just go on, chop chop"5
Boss: Hey, you were in that "Pike place fish market session" today. How was it?
Me: well, it was really motivational and inspiring. I learned few new things.
Boss: Great! Also let me tell you that you're again our employee of the week and we're considering you for the employee of the year award. No one got nominated so early in the job here.
Boss: So you wanted to talk to me. What was it about?
Me: Oh, I wanted to resign. Already sent the mail to you.4
Oh damn....I just realized that I am working with a scammers' company. They wanted us (new employee) to create an app behave like keylogger for Android(not in Google play , because Google with ban this one).
Today I asked the manager about our salary. He said that our salary are based on commission. So look what happened, one of my colleague disappeared since yesterday (as in not coming to work without warning)14
Sitting in the room with the hiring manager and the previous employee:
Manager: "Do you know your stuff?"
Manager: "Do you know your stuff as well as him? (pointing at previous employee)"
Me: "I taught him."
Manager: "Okay, when can you start?"7
Oh, that feeling when you learn the entry level dev, with no useful knowledge, gets paid more than you...
You ever open some code that was committed a few years ago by an employee long gone and it's so shit you have to get up and go outside to take a deep breath of fresh air?6
HRs on LinkedIn : A guy applied to us, he was a serial killer in the past and cooked the victims body and ate them. He was rejected by every company. But I gave him a chance. 4 years later ..he is the highest performing employee and my husband.7
And it is official: I am not a project manager anymore.
My Boss has just created a new Automation department of which I am the only employee. So, now, I am an Automation Engineer.
More tools, maybe code and almost no contact with clients anymore. But I am gong to miss a few of them. :)2
So yeah, I got fed up with assholes offering unpaid internships while demanding the work of a paid employee and I went around reporting all of them for violating the law.
Hope it does something. I hate these people taking advantage of vulnerable post secondary students for their crappy, worthless startups.1
Client: I forgot what my user ID is to log into the system
Me: It's just your employee ID number
Client: All caps?
I feel sad for the NSA employee that is watching me. All he sees is me ranting over coding problems, playing games and masterbating.
He is probably thinking about changing his job.7
While being self employed as a programmer may have its ups and downs, at least no one will judge you(except yourself maybe and your clients if they know) when you code drunk and it's Wednesday night/Thursday morning.6
Dear fucking boss,
If you want me to implement a huge feature which requires the creation of dozens of db tables, server side classes and front end pages, just fucking stop ask me every 2 hours if I’m done.
The employee that will quit in a week or two6
This is for all the junior devs and people moving into the corporate world.
Remember, HR is there to protect the company, NEVER the employee.
Do not fall for the okie-doke when they tell you they are there to help.
If destroying you is cheaper in the long run than damage to the company then be sure they will slit you from ear-to-ear.7
Today I announced to a customer (a shitty one) that we had lost all their data. When I was done explaining what happened, one of my employee turn to me and said :"oh! I know where the data are. I did a backup there". It was after 1 weeks of searching that the tech decided to tell us he knew where all the backup went... Now I have to call the customer again...2
I think Gihub/intellij has spoiled me. Whenever I get discounts or free stuff as a student/employee and it's not either completely free or 99.99% off I feel cheated.
Product - Oh you are a student? Here's $990 of this $1000 software, enjoy.
Me - Not completely free!? I'll take my cheap ass elsewhere thank you.
*Disclaimer - work percs are awesome plz no fire Mr. Bossman if you see this*12
One big file with a lot of variables in the window scope.
Because she was in “charge” of the frontenders because she works there a bit longer then me I never checked the frontend code.
I said I wont/cant help unless I see better code. I explained to a trainee what could be done to change it and Im impressed that the trainee did a better job then the employee and quick as well.
Got the whole code in seperate files with each part of the code in seperate scopes within 2 hours.
What Im saying here is that even as student, intern or trainee you can know things better thsn someone with experience, dont be afraid to speak up. Because everyone can learn from eachother.7
Saw this on the interwebs. Left: customer. Right: employee.
The left one looks like a nice type of customer-person though.
I like to imagine that the employee-guy does not understand why the computer is not working, at which point the customer-person says: "Oh, I can fix that."5
Company: *Doesn’t even send out rejection letters to applicants after wasting weeks/months of their time with their bogus interview process.*
Good employee at said company: *gets new job and ghosts company*
*me as a boss*
*employee comes in late*
me *smiling and laughing":
*tells nearby person* there they are!!
*tells employee* congratulations!!
*laughs and hugs*
confused employee: what for?
me: you're late8
Visual Studio suggested me to install some extension. I accept.
Now Visual Studio want to know IF I AM A MICROSOFT EMPLOYEE.
I'm not your fucking employee but you can as well pay me since I'm using your crap.15
Working for a company that micro manages, my boss asked me to build a script that calculates hours employee is not on his seat through camera feeds.
Received a mail today that my first weeks deficit are 7 hrs.25
Colleague asked me to join devRant and I was like that is it something related to development.
But when he said NO its nice and sharing about your seniors and managers. I was like that oh I need to write so much then......
Coming with expereince in first startup as employee.
Me vs a government employee in India...
Me: You should have setup net banking on your website. I had to travel 20 miles to get to your office to make a payment.
Employee: Sir, we do have net banking enabled.
Me: I searched all over your website but couldn't find it.
Employee: Oh! Well, I guess it stopped working since it rained yesterday.4
The only technique I know.
Get hired straight out of uni. Project architect disappears right at beginning and I am left as a graduate employee to build a travel booking web app. Learning new front end and backend frameworks by coding them constantly for the next 8 months.
We might actually get this project done!5
I hired my first employee and hes starting on Monday! Can you give me some advices on how to onboard him smoothly and be a good boss?10
New employee: It asks me to change my password.
Me: It's a 12 letter minimum complex, upper, lower, number and a sign.
New employee: It doesn't work.
Me: Stop using your name in passwords.
New employee: Oh.. darn.6
HR meeting about flex time. They rounded up the entire engineering department for an all hands meeting.
Started off "we're not here to single anyone out, and no one's getting fired", and then proceeded to shower an employee, lets call them G with praise because they worked late the one day they brought in an investor.
The rest of the meeting was a guilt trip for the entire group. Great use of company time. /s1
Have a client that has a very, very large format printer (think billboards). It's on their network as just another printer, with no special security because everyone "knows" never to print to it....except the new employee who printed her direct-deposit info to it. Got about ten feet(!) into the job before someone realized it wasn't an authorized job.5
Had an employee evaluation today that I had been anticipating with a lot of anxiety since December. Went in with major impostor syndrome thinking I’m just not contributing enough and I was going to be put on the spot. But, they told me they couldn’t be happier with the work I’ve been doing. Now I can finally relax.4
Got a new job! 🤗
They said one reason they took me was the fact I have a github profile and published some things there... And I never intended this to be the case nor do I think I published anything meaningful there.
The company is awesome, they're open sourcing a lot of their tools/sending prs to libraries/frameworks they use. And one can choose the OS to work with as an employee 👌6
I'm such a goof!
I observe that I create problems out of nothing when I'm stressed or even when I'm excited.
Had my US visa interview few days ago.
I might be one of stupidest person this particular consulate employee has seen.
My visa interview was done, I came out of the building and I noticed one of my passport was missing. I panicked and told an employee ( who also happened to be the same employee who took my biometrics - I had also goofed up a little there ) that I forgot my passport in the counter.
Duh, if visa is approved they will take the passport. I already knew it, but still I forgot!
Manager: we have reached record sales this month, thank you for your hard work guys.
Employee: can I get a raise?
Manager: your greed is hurting the company.
Employee: but I worked here for 3 years8
Oh so easily the trust between the employee and boss can be destroyed.
All it took was hearing the truth from another one.11
Seriously does this master/slave bullshit actually affect everyone here?
From what I’ve seen it’s just a fucking idea / suggestion not a full blown change set being implemented.
Stop fucking over reacting to bubble wrap nonsense, if you want to call it a master/slave relationship then call it a fucking master/slave relationship and be done with it, if this really offends you or you believe political correctness is needed here, go call it something else, at the end of the day it’s still going to be the same thing, just called something else.9
Got the ideal job right now. Over market salary. 100% remote. Mornings to myself until the rest of the team in another time zone comes online. Working within my competency with just enough challenge to make it interesting. Free products for being an employee. Only wish it came with paid health insurance but I do get a partial reimbursement.2
Managers should get a pay cut every time they schedule a meeting or a phone call with an employee without mentioning what it’s about.1
We have a portal which uses Windows Integrated auth that lists out all off our internal sites.
Navigating to any of these produces a URL like the one in the attached image.
Turns out all our internal application use a base64 encoded email address in the query string as the means of authentication.
So, anyone can authenticate themselves as another employee within the company by simply changing the query param value to said employees email address.
Why the fuck do employers post remote position jobs, only to let you know in the first call that they require the employee to live in/near a certain city. That's not a remote position and it happened several times in my job hunt8
Employee: we have 15 years of Stored Procedures
Boss: just because we been doing it for 15 years doesn’t mean we should continue.
Boss coming in clutch.4
So yesterday I went to the postal service to claim my package(stress ball). While I'm waiting for the package the employee there asked me:
EMPLOYEE: There's so many stress balls here why buy one overseas.
ME: It's a dev swag I got free.
E: Oh I see. *looked at me suspiciously*
a moment later...
E: Hey, why stress ball? Did someone on your family got stroke?
M: No, it's for me. *smiled*
The after I got the package, the man looks like he wants me to open the package in front of him. Which I didn't do because I'm late for my work.
Maybe it's a first time here that someone sent a stress ball from US. Goodness. Hahahaha
ps. the man looks at me like I did something illegal which is a bit awkward. Hahahaha7
Today I sent email blast to wrong list of 12k recipients. I was given the list by another employee. I crashed the email server. It was fun.2
All employee meeting, tv has no volume.
Guess who gets passed the remote to figure out why there is no sound...1
I'm fascinated by the programs in use by stores. I was buying a piece of furniture yesterday and noticed that the employee typed my order using the console. Literally everything - the model, the color, the shipping address...4
Recruiter: Hi! I'm a recruiter, and you have a position similar to jobs I'm trying to fill. What are you doing at your current company right now?
Me: Uhm. Working?
Recruiter: Oh! What would make a good candidate for positions like yours?
Me: Uhm. A dedicated employee?
[Image:Android Emulator Api 27(google play)]
It is in the public emulator now.Good job google employee😃13
Customer: "Yeah we need <insert bonkers 12 step circular logic> to find a thing(s) in the database."
Me: "Ok let me diagram this out and I'll send it to you to review.... but man this seems like the 8th version of this we're doing right?"
Customer: "Yeah well <employee Y> says they can't do B, C without this."
Me: "Wait... can't they just <insert the most simple step in the history of time> in step A, and then later on they won't have to do all this hunting later? Like you have that data at step A right?"
Customer: "Yeah but <employee Y> doesn't want to do that."
Me: "She's your direct report ....."
Me: "Ok.... I'll send you the diagram and the cost estimate...."
Whatever reason sometimes it is a bit draining coding madness compared to making things actually efficient / people's jobs easier...3
The CEO of my last workplace asked an employee for his credit card; withdraw significant amount of money as a debt and never paid back. He already owes 2+ months of salary to that employee.
(He owed me money too but I never gave my Macbook back. 🖕)16
The last night my boss called me at the middle of the night fo some job related tasks.
I was like: Boss! I am your employee, not your wife !1
Internship Company employee: Hey, we need 600 images uploaded to a wordpress site, you'll have to do that for me.
Me: Alrightyy, can you give me some FTP or SSH access or something?
Employee: Nope, not allowed to.
Me: Uhm, I could write a shell script and run it?
Employee: The server is windows....
Me: Mother of god, I'll have to do it manually then?
Employee: You could ask John (my technical guider, not his real name) if you can borrow some fellow interns!
Me: *walks to John* Hey man, can I borrow some interns?
John: What for?
Me: Manually uploading 600 images to posts :).
Interns: *looking at me with a deadly view*
Handed in my vacation for this year. Didn't hear back for a long time, no info at all. Got the new employee assignment spreadsheet for our biggest client, which went out to them. In it, my vacation is pushed behind by 3 weeks.
Thanks, but I didn't want to learn that my vacation has been delayed from THE FRICKIN CLIENT.1
Me: "hey we should do this new project in react!"
Boss: "no he barrier to entry is to tough for our team"
Boss talks to past employee(which he had to let go because he was a TERRIBLE developer who now works for facebook....) about new project, past employee recommends react....
Team is now going to work on a new project written with react......1
Dear current manager,
You wouldn't know real talent if it hit you in the face.
Your employee who's leaving for a FANG2
So my manager calls me in today and says "Congratulations for getting the excellence award, but I'm sorry we can't give it to you as you're still a contract employee. But hey you did a good job 👍"
IDK if I should be happy or sad. Or just say FUck my luck and get back to coding 😂5
I hate windows.
I hate Linux.
I hate Mac OS
I hate Android, iOS, whatever os
I hate programming..
I hate being employee, or whatever..
Shit, life sucks10
I was looking for an single line ascii hug to let a Paizo (publisher of Pathfinder) employee know that he is going above and beyond with the communication because of delayed orders (delayed by Amazon).
Then I found the site on the screenshot. Guess they focused so much on the single line ascii art that they forgot to check the header :D4
Co-employee in Slack: Let's get this bread
*1 hour later*
That guy: Bread has been acquired
Meanwhile me: *Forgot to eat breakfast and read the sentence wrong*
God I wish I was that guy5
At my first job, our employee email addresses followed a somewhat unusual naming convention: last name plus first initial, e.g. email@example.com for John Smith.
They were ultimately forced to change it, though, when they received a complaint from a new employee. His name? Tommy Shi...6
My Boss, another employee and me were having discussion on a functionality on the website "How we will do it". After talking to us, my boss called his former employee and asked him the same question "How we will do this functionality".
After talking with the former employee, he comes back and tells us the same that we told him on "How we going to do it". Which pissed me off and I am angry on him, why the fuck does he has to call the former employee about this.
What do you guys think, should I be angry?3
Having to deal with shit code as a new employee so you don't step on any toes...
Who knew developers had such egos. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯10
Junior coders want to argue about database design saying an employee table in the database does not need a start date and end date because the requirements don't say that. I am doing gold plating he says. He didn't care that I had been doing this over 10 years and he 0 years. Oh yea and by the way I have never been given specific requirements about database design.4
Company: We want to attract lots of new talent.
Employee: First, try to retain your existing talent. Please treat them with respect and give them every now and then challenges they deserve.
Please ask the attrition rate of every company you interview with.5
The person who I was closest to in the workplace is leaving and everyone else is a "professional employee" and they make "work safe jokes" that deserves "polite laughter" now everyone looses their shit if I let out the f word. I guess I will have my next free conversation with the goldfish.8
Just got a ticket reassigned to me from another employee leaving the company. The "Days to Due Date" field says -964.
It's for a very simple task that takes max 2 hours. Contacted the guy who created the ticket and it's still needed.
Excuse me what the fuck.6
Do you ever cringe on the code you've written a few years before?
When I started as an intern in the same company I'm working for now, I was a solo dev on an internal tool.
It's web based and used for employee management.
I've cloned the repo to see how I did.
And to say the least, I wish I had an experienced dev to oversee me...
I'll never leave an intern unattended from now on if I know about them.5
Who the fuck sends good morning images to strangers?!
And there was this person who sent me images of good morning quotes out of blue on WhatsApp. I have never met or know this guy and vice versa. I was very creeped out.
I didn't recognise the phone number initially, but later I figured out that this person might be an employee of my ( relative ) client and he was using the mobile number assigned for the business like his personal WhatsApp account with his own profile picture and all. Very unprofessional.
He sent me similar messages for a week and I didn't bother to open the messages. I'm gonna pretend like I don't recognise the phone number. Anyways, his messages have stopped.
I hope I'll never have to face him or have any business discussion with him. I'm never ever gonna visit this relative client at his place as long as he is an employee there.10
You know, people hiring via Skype.
Gaming, seeing family or having long range relationships.
It's become a decent tool.
Then there is the Skype employee.
Opening a court case because in his work time, evaluating Skype calls - ON FUCKING OBSERVING SKYPING PEOPLE - he has to look at too much flesh (as in porn) for his salary level.
Like : the payment category states that you gotta be classed like 1,2 salary categories higher for such work.
So the first instance did not recognise the employees case, because they said its a state thing, or even higher.
Later instance evaluated the employee was right and decreed Microsoft / the NSA (whomever direct employees they are) to properly categorize their employees.
Therefore cost relatively exploded and an algorithm to detect nudity was built.
Wich is operational way earlier than Skypes TOS renewal mid 2018.
That also bans bad language and auto bans given accounts.
Talking about social credit..
in PROC (or prod, as they're known).
And btw: complaining about Google while posting Christmas gatherings on Instagram.. You get what I mean.
Honestly, I don't recall the sources. It's been a while.
I'd really appreciate a little compendium of this for historical reasons.
They will ask: what has brought us here? What is everyone an ultimate right/left/center/agnostic/religious fascist?
And we'll have it on paper. Or papyrus,.. even stone. As I don't know how far mighty people will go for their fortune.15
When I started on the job I was placed underneath a senior employee.
Never got as much training as I wanted to.
Bc less then a week later they messaged in the group chat they were quiting.3
Working as a new employee: no wifi. No work. 10 new tools to get familiair with. 41 new people to get to know. No workstation. No desk. No signed contract.
So far so good.4
Just went from full time employee at my work to contract under my own LLC on a retainer at my old salary. I'm my own man and it feels great. All the tax breaks shall be mine.7
Finally convinced the IT at my University to disable their badly-deployed HTTPS inspection.
So bad even the employee laptops in the domain didn't have the certificate (and the students got it on Google Drive a week later).
I feel great.1
Place: Microsoft, Visual Studio department
Boss: we need to make beautiful changes, and make the development process more simple and beautiful.
Employee 1: let's arrange error messages to be more readable.
Boss: no, I don't need any details of error, just say there is an error.
Boss: This is genius, do it now.
When your boss force you to go to client land and do some socializing, for God sake I'm a developer not a f***en public relations employee3
Boss: What you guys think about this feature?
Employee: ~details 5 good reasons not to implement it~
Boss: Nah, I don't think so, do it anyway.3
When a senior employee farted like hell and can't do anything about it, but to deal with it because you just started as a junior. 😷13
Today I went to Yogurtland, the wall tiles looked like a user's busy Github history. When I got to the order counter I said, you guys have been busy on Github, haven't you?
The employee gave me the most confused stare I've ever seen. I just chuckled and walked out.
Who the FUCK calls to get more information about a potential employee at fucking 8:20 AM? GO RECRUIT A LIFE AND DON'T BREAK MY SLEEP YOU FUCKING VULTURE4
Microsoft is slowly turning office 365 into employee spyware. Im not surprised just disappointed.14
When an employee has a problem and calls tech support and you ask them to switch off their computer and they proceed to turning off the screen 😑1
Today I was at the store because I needed a Usb C cable. I grabed one of the shelf that was 40€. It wasn't even particularly fancy, it was just 1,5 m long and not very special. I asked an employee if they had a cheaper option and he recommended me that I should buy a micro Usb cable instead. Yeah, it would be cheaper you idiot, but it would also be USELESS!!!6
Client to Company :This is a complex 1 month approx task. We need this feature
Company forgets to tell employee developer about this.
Meanwhile Client to Company after one month.
Client to Company: We are just 1 week away from the deadline, what's the status of the work in progress.
Company to client : It's going well, we will get back to you on the day of demo.
Company to employee developer: We have this complex task, you need to complete it in 1 week.
Developer mental status gets fucked with over burdened hectic work which has to be completed in a week having no idea of fuck up by the company which already had the information of the task one month ago but just forgot to tell the developer.2
A couple weeks ago I told a now former client that I just "fired" that I had no remaining invoices to send them. Today I discovered a couple of invoices from a couple months ago that it appears they'd not yet paid. This is why I need to quit trying to run a business and just be an employee again. I suck at accounting.3
Last office building I worked at, the company across the hall recycled old PCs for businesses. They had two reserved parking spots in the building parking lot right up front. The signs read "Employee of the Month"
Every day when I came in the owner's $80k luxury car was parked in the middle of both spots.
Being an expatriate, too far from my people..
Being an employee in a sucking company..
Being with responsibilities, husband, soon to be father..
All of this sometimes make me sad and not feeling well
I think life is getting hard for me.17
One employee explained something to another, while i was walking by.
He: "... now we have 800 instead of 4000 on this Page ..."
He: "Executed sql querys"
Zero Days documentary about stuxnet malware features a "identity protected" NSA employee who reveals information about classified NSA tactics.
She claims "I would NEVER compromise ongoing operations in the field."
Well it's too bad that Amazon Prime Video and IMDB don't share your values. They have compromised your name, Joanne Tucker, and the other films you were in.
Nice acting though. You really have people believing you were a real source!15
Hey, looks like some employee of this hosting company failed to 750 his home directory and 640 the files...
I was SSHing around on our hosting account when I slipped into his home direcory where at least two(!) SSH public keys of his admin account for the server were readable!
Being an honest guy, I had to call them...
It's fixed now.2
My previous boss has bad habit of relieving employees. He find out his links in a employee
s new company and then god knows what he did with that.
For, that reason I did not mention my current company when I switch but today I tried to find out those people who left before me it was shocking that no one updated their current company.
Creepiness of the former boss was real. Everyone was scared.
"We want you to join us within 15 days"
* Employee resigns *
"We want you to serve 2 months of notice period"
The best boss I ever had was my father .
He wanted a C# application for employee management with some specific features so I accepted and did the job.
“Begin your onboarding and assimilation program.” Are new employees joining a company or the Borg? I guess it’s ok so long as the next line doesn’t say “Resistance is futile.”
Manager: Good news, company will pay for extra internet cost while we work from home.
Employee: Will the cost of electricity consumed by the laptop be reimbursed?
New employee started this week, doesn't know anything about bash because she's a Windows user :/ She'll receive a crash course today by me (she has bash installed on Windows 10 because we require it for some of our tools).4
Our team is small but we pretty much always have fun times. Our bosses have been visiting us this week (they work in a different country) and we've been partying almost every evening, they even paid for it. Our new employee who starts officially next week was also invited. Such a great time!1
Smartphone manufacturers these days, imagine how meetings to come up with ideas for new products go about.
Product manager :ok people,what can we do to make our next smartphone 'different'.
Employee 1: let's add more cameras
Employee 2:Let's kill the notch
Employee 3:Let's include the buzzword AI in all of our marketing
Employee 4:Let's put 8Gb of Ram in our phone
Employee 5:Let's just do all of those things and also give it a screen with a ridiculous aspect ratio and unnecessarily high resolution.3
Today was my last day at my old job. At my last monthly review, the CEO actually said to me how things would be much better if I were making enough sales happen on the websites to justify my (very low) annual salary. I checked the numbers on my way out the door. In the past 8 months I definitely cleared that threshold and then some. I wonder if he would've given me the next 4 months off with pay. LOL
Wish we can shut down every tech product and service and start all over again. All the million dollar ideas are already realized and the only thing to do is be a rich guys employee now.10
If you have an employee engagement survey that reveals that employees are not happy, don't dismiss and mock the employees when presenting the results.
It might very well be that it actually does not improve the situation.3
It's a toss up between a basic software portal for my old school as a volunteer thing or an old game designed around user content creation.
The portal is more of a personal success but the game was a success in the respect it ended up rolling past a Bethesda employee and he gave me a one on one Skype chat about there design methods.
When your boss and his pet employee start rambling business speak about some feature they expect you to figure out even though they don't understand it.1
How do you get new employees?
We have a lack of personnel in our company. We do not receive applications via job advertisements or advertising.
Our company is modern, has good project planning and employees receive company cars. Projects made in react, node, php, java and python.
So, how can we find new employees? Which way are you going?19
This is long rant/story:
My manager conducts sync-up meetings regularly. The idea is to sync up all developers on current state of work. He does’t conduct stand-ups. He doesn't have time for it. He rather discusses on individual basis if we are blocked. The rule of the sync-up meeting is NOT to discuss any blockers or problems but simply explain each other what we are doing and how we plan next.
Sometime ago, the manager brought up and explained a new way of working in the sync-up meeting. At this point, a new developer in the team was absent due to sickness.
Today, there was a sync-up meeting and the manager started to question the new member about the newly introduced way of working. He was unaware of it and the manager never communicated this important information via email or any mode of communication available.
So, the conversation goes on as follows:
"Manager": — "Why didn’t you complete your task as per the new way of working?"
"Employee": — "Well, I've no idea. Am I supposed to do? I’ve been working as usual like any other"
"Manager": — "We have a new process and you have failed to follow it, so we’re late in delivering your work"
"Employee": — "I’ve already finished my work on time. I've raised a pull-request this morning"
"Manager": — "It doesn’t matter, it is not merged to main branch and so we can’t include your work in the release"
"Employee": — "I’ve no idea about the new process"
"Manager": — "Haven’t you asked around about what happened from previous meeting"
"Employee": — "Yes, I have. I was told which tasks were handled, but nothing about a new process"
"Manager": — "Aren’t you interested to learn it?"
"Employee": — "Why won’t I be interested? I was on a sick leave and I have no clue what happened here"
"Manager": — "What’s happened is past now, let’s not focus on it"
"Employee": — <Dumbfounded>
The Employee felt ashamed in front of everyone. He did his job but it didn’t pay off.
…. After an hour … the Employee had a talk with the Manager
"Employee": — "You shouldn’t have pointed me out in front of everyone. It made me feel real bad. You should have emailed this information if its important for the team."
"Manager": — "I have no idea what you’re talking about. When did I say so? I think you’ve a bright future in the team. You should be focusing on doing better things."
Employee goes back to work. A minute later, the Manager sends a PowerPoint screenshot of the process in the group chat.
It's about delivering release packages based on priorities defined by client. Each release package is a set of work items or requirements. Individual developers are assigned to work items. They are expected to deliver on planned delivery timelines in order to consider a work item into a release package.1
Just received a Jira request to remove training videos from the business ethics page or our employee intranet because we longer hold the license's.
If there's one thing I've learned from a-hole co-employees, it is to avoid ending up being like them.4
-Applying for internship
-the "previous work/employee records" field is their
-can't leave it blank
-so did this "------" for its various fields of work position, start date of job, and date of job, salary, etc.
-warning says "can't leave that field empty"
HOW THE FUCK ONE APPLIES TO AN INTERNSHIP WITH WORK EXPERIENCE WHEN THERE IS NONE ?8
I'm facing a conundrum. I saw a job posting for <Company A> weeks ago, but wasn't really interested and moved on.
Got in touch with a standalone recruitment company today who had an exciting job offer. The recruiter refused to tell me the name of the company until he spoke to me as they directed him to not disclose the name of the company or any details until he has verified the candidate is genuine. To my absolute shock and disbelief it was <Company A>!!!!
So heres the conundrum. External recruiters don't lie, why would they? Clearly this company MUST keep their hiring top secret, and some poor employee didn't get the memo before posting that job publicly. Should I report the <Company A> employee?
I don't want to report them and get them in trouble, but feel I must in order to help the company fix this leak ... before its too late ... and people find out the are hiring!
Microsoft and their dev tools...
> Trying to login to Azure VM
> Get an error, saying that password needs to be changed before logging in the first time
> Head over to Azure portal, try resetting password
> Password reset is not successful. Reason: Account already exists (???)
> Google the error message. Found solution (coming from a Microsoft employee!): Create a new user, login with that, fix the password for user #1 inside the VM, then delete the new user
What's wrong with these people? 😂3
So how much % of your salary are you guys saving/investing ? Am fresh out from being a student to being a salaried employee, and am getting to know that money can also be used to generate more money i guess? Stocks, bitcoin, mutual funds, provident funds, ... Am hearing a whole lot of words , those Twitter guys use.23
i was about to talk about golang - but it can wait.
snapchat's discover section is TERRIBLE. the amount of BULLSHIT, INCORRECT INFORMATION, AND PURE IDIOCY IS MAKING IT TERRIBLE.
now, usually, i rant about mashable when i say it's terrible. AT LEAST WHEN MASHABLE WROTE ABOUT THIS THEY WERE CORRECT. but no, alas, my faith in humanity is put to an all time end. a new evil has arose, by the name of "wired."
of course, and incredibly late to the party, a "tech" outlet wrote about bitcoin. the headline was "is bitcoin killing the planet?" IT HAS BEEN POSSIBLY THE STUPIDEST ARTICLE IVE READ OF ALL TIME. THEY CLEARLY HAVE NO IDEA ABOUT ANY SHIT THEYRE TALKING ABOUT.
let's take a look at the TWO facts they got wrong, and displayed to over a MILLION people.
now, instead of just GOOGLING TWO SIMPLE FACTS, THEY DECIDED TO JUST WRITE RANDOM SHIT.
ENOUGH WAITING - HERE THE THE TWO FACTS THEY GOT WRONG
picture 1: bitcoin up $900 in the last year? THE LAST MOTHER FUCKING, COCK SUCKING
WHY DO SUCH DUMBASSES HAVE ACCESS TO SOMETHING MILLIONS VIEW?
IT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE
picture two: the actual fuck????
did i just read that?
b- bi- bitcoin will "run dry" BY 2032.
i think i finally figured it out.
these facts, they're literally just random number.
i can see it now:
wired employee 1: hey, guess what number im thinking of?
wired employee 2: 14?
wired employee 1: *screaming* BITCOIN WILL RUN DRY IN 14 YEARS
how do these people get hired. do they hire only hire 12 year old interns? im genuinely asking. does anyone know?
okay, end of rant. plz continue complaining about dumbasses who have power thru the media in tech8
whole fucking day of coding.
git server down for maintenance so compresses folders / send. lost everything. if i meet a microsoft employee today there will be blood and piss. DIE U FUCKING FUCKS!!€
So I landed a senior linux admin job in August, moved to a new city, and signed a 2 year contract for them to pay my moving expenses. I took an employee survey in October, not knowing anything. As a department (all ops and devs), we reviewed the results as a whole with HR.
Now HR is coming to our remote office tomorrow (4 hours away).... to be continued...1
So last time, when HR asked for a meeting I thought they knew who'll be leaving with me. But there is only rumors saying "CTO is poaching inside his team".
And I also learned from the a paralegal, who talk too much, that they just want to fuck with me.
So new course of action: how can I fuck with them? All week end thinking about it. And today, a big competitor, offered me the VP Engineering!!!
So I'll try to make them use their Non-Competition clause.
In France you can set a couple of main competitors and the employee can't work for them for a couple of years. And you have to pay the employee the full salary he could earn during that time (two years of salary). As the employee, you have to disclose this information (you want to sign with the competitor) with your current company and they have a couple of week to decide if they want to use the clause.
So I'm starting to see how I can scare them enough to make them use this clause.
I know it's not cool, but I enjoy so much fucking with them!!!10
I don't see the jobs.
-- I added them.
I don't see the "app-name".
-- Well, I have added them via an abbreviation "an".
Why though? That's so confusing. Why would I look for that? Assume I am a new employee. I would not know what it means.
-- You'll get used to it.
I. DON'T. WANT. TO. GET. USED. TO. IT. Why would you waste time by hiding necessary information behind non-saying abbreviation? Clarity counts.
I worked a whole year in a company for which I produced 30 software and none of them saw the publication even though they were completed. I was the most productive employee and had a productivity of 428% compared with the other employees.
All because of the constant changes in business strategies.
For a moment I believed to be a pirate ship during a storm. When I was tired of the way they were treating employees, months of backlog payments, unpaid leave or not granted, I quit and I was told to me that I was a bad employee and I was unproductive.
In a month he is left only the designer working. At the moment the company in question is still looking for employees, after more than a year no one wanted to work again. Stupid me.
While I ras looking for another job I did freelance for a month, gaining about five times my earlier pay.
The company I work for had an employee train his replacement without any clue that he was his replacement....savage1
A day in the life of a paypal dev.
1. Slurp some starbucks
2. Do a lil' Meeting
3. Eat lunch
4. 1on1 Meeting with manager for one hour
5. Scroll over some code and look at the beautiful Momentum ToDo app
6. Bid some employee farewell (seems to happen every day there apparently)
Sounds pretty efficient. When you write no code you cannot create any bugs...3
A company I worked with makes an "effective communication" class that every employee must follow.
Still, they cannot even communicate properly internally.6
There's this company that works in the RPA (Robotic Process Automation) domain, they describe their work as using A.I and Machine Learning to collect Big Data whilst following the latest trends in IoT, Blockchain, Web 6.9, and any other fancy term they can use while in fact, well... They're using an outdated software that uses vb6 modules to scrap some images and no employee have ever written a single line of code.
When you inherit some code from the job student and you notice how well written and commented it is. I'm glad he is soon returning as a fulltime employee. Hope he will keep this up.
I have been at my job for four months. I do 99% of the research on a problem or a fix - another employee recognizes the remaining 1 % and looks like a champ.
So apparently, all IT staff of #ryanair is banned from remote work. Some of them are in Madrid, Spain. I heard a lot about their workplace and how "employee friendly" ther are. But to make "equality" excuse for staying in office cause pilots cant work from home...1
The CTO was on stage at the annual employee meeting. After some time he said:"well,I never wanted to hire X and Y. They're doing nothing but nonsense and the technic they are using is nothing but a hype."
The technic he talked about: Java, object oriented programming and cloud applications...4
Make sure they're implementing basic technology that you deem necessary, or at least that they'd allow you to set it up. If they're working without CI/CD, for example, there are probably more problems.
Also, note that you might also be quite under qualified in comparison to the average employee. That might also affect you in a bad way.
finally decided to move to another company after 7 months of thinking.
Been working for 3+ years at my current company, I am their first batch of employee as well. third people hired in their engineering team. Everything goes well just wanted to work on bigger things while maybe I sacrifice my privilege about having much bigger influence2
Sharepoint intranet - took around 45 seconds to log in and open start page for the whole first year. Specialist went in to help. Now it only takes half a minute.
With 7000+ employees it means over 50 hours of wasted time _every day_ just from opening the start page once per employee and day.3
You guys ever have to explain whole project to another employee because you are the only one that know and worked on this project.
Worst thing is that guy is not even a programmer and I have to teach him c# first 😤 I'm soo angry2
"please like our new post on LinkedIn"
AGH fuck off asking every employee to like your shitty "oh we hired some one new" posts
I don't fucking care that it then seems like an active company. I like shit only if I actually like it... Not some boring ass shit post
Also stop trying to micro manage your employees... Like actually wtf...1
Have no words. Just got an email from a recruiter for a 6 months contract in a vendor company for a position....the final customer will be my current employer where I am already working as a full time employee. No mistakes because it is a very specific role.
At least please read the CV when you have one!2
I recently finished high-school and got a job in PHP Development. My employer told me to make a simple app wich OAuths you to your Discogs account and receive your library list. I got hired afterwards and now i work on a huge project which launches in less than 2 weeks. The day i got my job i havent worked with Laravel but ~ 3 days.
When you need to learn something due to the pressure, you'll learn faster. It's the same as learning a new language - I'd rather go to live in a country where it's mainly spoken that language and learn it due to the necessity than buy courses online.
My Technical lead always asks one question to new interviewing candidates. "Write a SQL query to find the second highest salary from employee salary table". It's the same question which he faced in one interview and he didn't have answered it.
Sorry for my bad English..3
I'm on vacation since Aug 06, so it's already a week and 3 days (incl. today). And yet SOMEHOW I've already worked 28 hrs for my employee... And I was wondering why is my apartment renovation lagging so much,,,
In appraisal discussion,
Boss : Give me good reason why should we give you 30% appraisal!!!
Employee ( After logging into prod machine) : I am going to quit this job 😅😅
I once had an interview at a restaurant named CASINO. As I was about to go into the interview room to meet with the manager a current employee whispered furtively to me, "He is really small".7
Since i am successfully make my employee join devrant, they are started arguing the best editor, 3 choose neovim and 2 other join VScode side.
I choose to use Joe's Own Editor.
And also i am converted to Pink Religion.13
Sysadmin and an ex-employee couldn't fix an issue with an application for many months even with vendor's instructions.
Today the job is passed to me and I follow instructions exactly and resolve the issue.
The other two guys must have thought 'we don't need someone else's documentation, we can fix it ourselves'
This is not the first time something like this has happened. I guess some things just need a fresh perspective.
The year is 2035 and HR checks your rants to see what kind of employee you will be :D lord save us.1
Argh!!!! I'm too dumb to compare two spreadsheets. I want to know which of the 2000 employees left or joined the company since last year. But the employee spreadsheet db export is not in the same order as the last years. Is there any bash shell magic or something else than excel that could help me?12
Seeing some people posting stories about horrible internships so I thought let's post a good one.
At My current internship they treat an intern like an employee meaning having some great opportunities and rights. Having rights to ask anyone anything or question any decision or pointing that you are wrong.
Me: I don't want to work with this product.
Team lead: okay then there are some other options choose one of them.
And more cool stuffs
Bash on Windows is incoming soon! As a dual boot win10/Ubuntu user I am pretty psyched. Curious as to what you all think, and opinions from insider program participants.
I just hope it isn't half-assed.5
1. an individual who attracts interest to a cause through evangelism and enthusiastic promotion.
2. an occupation in which knowledgeable specialists seek out qualified individuals to fill technical positions on behalf of another organization.
3. an unholy union of the worst qualities of both an ignorant cold call salesperson with those of an apathetic human resources employee. See 'chimera'.
I love how the consultants Microsoft hired to estimate the savings upgrading to Windows 10 comes up with the number $404 per employee. I think there's a hidden message here...1
Wanna be rich? Become an independent privacy officer! Rent yourself only to companies that have their shit together and charge thousands just for being a security expert!
Every larger company needs one, but almost none have an employee lawfully qualified to be one... 🤑2
What's the best passive income for you? With small effort/capital but with big returns in a short period of time? Also high chance of working/succeeding.
I don't want to be an employee forever :) thanks!12
You have a job for 7 days and you will get paid with 1 piece of gold per day. Problem is there's a block of gold made up of 7 pieces, and there is a knife that can cut it only twice. How would you solve this problem? Making sure the employee has the right amount of gold every day!
There are no tricks in the question like buying a new knife or whatever. There is a unique mathematical solution. Go!8
Is there anyone who works full-time remotely for a company which is based in some other country?
Not as a freelancer but as a proper employee.4
Setting up a laptop for the next employee. Office 365 has taken over two hours to install in what it states as "just a moment."
OpenOffice for life.4
This asshole is out of his fucking mind if he thinks I am going to waste my Friday night waiting around to update a URL on the employee intranet.
News flash if it’s a tool people use everyday they have it bookmarked. No uses the fucking employee intranet because it’s old and it sucks.
You get a list of the users and email them telling them of the update if you are too dumb to figure out a redirect.
i was given one month to build a cross platform mobile app that uses GPS tracking and handles employee clock-ins. Help4
Implementing tons of ridiculous/almost impossible features you disagree with cause you're just a powerless employee who needs the job..
You still do it anyway.
There's a function a previous employee wrote called isNullOrEmpty.
We're a .NET shop, if you couldn't guess.1
Right now I'm standing in this Apple Reseller store waiting in the line and there's an old man who doesn't understand a fuck of his iPhone, and it turns out it's about setting up his fucksucking mail! I'm waiting for half an hour already, am so fucking done with this.
There's also this useless shit of an "Apple Expert" employee who doesn't do a thing. He constantly walks through the store very nervous and I'm getting fucking sick of this guy...2
I am going to go freelance (starting a company and will be my own first employee) at the end of the month.
Was wondering what software some of you, who are also freelancers, are using to manage everything.
Quotes, invoices, jobcards, etc.
The bank through which I will be registering the company appears to offer some sort of online service for that purpose, but I have not seen it yet.
Any assistance will be greatly appreciated.5
Employee at leasing office told that they have apartments 401 and 403 available. I have asked for 200 !!2
Every bank employee I've met as an IT student: "I've never imagined myself working at a bank. I don't like banks, but I like working for them". Which means they pay well.
Saw a boss scratch an employee's car and was later caught by the security cam but what will the employee do?
A. Resign and lose his job
B. Keep his job and ignore the event
Null: sue for mental and physiological stress; go on vac.2
Has anyone worked as a software developer at a consulting company as a full time employee, not just a contractor? If so, could you offer how the experience was?
I've read a lot of developers shit on consulting positions, but it seems no different then developing a product for clients.9
I giggle a little bit every time I see a Microsoft Employee on Social Media because it's always "Derp McDerpington [MSFT]" and I ALWAYS read the "MSFT" as "Misfit"5
Created a website for a client at a pretty low quotation. Set up 2 email accounts and provided step by step instruction on how to do it. Client now expect me to do it for all 13 of his employee with migration. For free. Told him i will need to charge extra for this, he claims that i didnt mention right at the start. Is this my fault? Should i do it? Please share.8
Every time I log into a server for a client:
Important notice: only employees of xyz are authorised to use this equipment.
Our client outsources their it to another company, someone from that company sent me details of a server for me to install our software. They licence our software, I am not an employee. I guess it must scare off the hackers?1
* Google employee reviews.
* Maybe check out how volatile their stock prices are (if they’re publicly traded).
* Use LinkedIn to find their employees and then stalk them on Facebook and see what kind of content they post.
* If you can’t tell from that, just DM them. Tell them why you’re contacting them and ask for their honest opinion.
Now, I didn't even really know Employee Appreciation Day was a thing until an article appeared on the company intranet about it coming up.
"It is a day for companies to thank their employees for their hard work and effort throughout the year. This day was created for the purpose of strengthening the bond between employer and employee."
I thought, "Oh, cool. I wonder what they're doing for it."
You know what they did?
They encouraged us to use the internal eCard system to send each other notes of appreciation. "Let's break a record," they said. "Most eCards sent in one day!"
And that's it. That's how my employer showed their appreciation for me.
I feel so... appreciated?
P.S. Yes, we broke the record.
P.P.S. No, I didn't get any eCards.4
TLDR: It's okay to take naps while working from home
I feel that there is nothing wrong with taking afternoon naps while working from home. Mainly because after taking rest for a couple of hours my mind is re-energised and I am able to pull off quite a lot of work in much lesser time after waking up and my overall productivity for the day roughly remains same.
This is mainly because if I end up staying awake even when I am tired and sleepy there is not much productive work done even if my number of hours online increase.
And if a company has strict measures set for calculating the number of hour employee stays online while working from home then it will actually reduce overall employee productivity rather than having any kind of actual benefits.5
I know you are trying to find the best employees for your company and are working very hard at it, but if you want the best results please be accurate about the posting. Do not put a job as Entry-level if the position requires 7+ years of experience. That is a senior level job. You will lose respect from those that have the experience and discourage all of the entry-level applicants from applying
An Entry level employee1
i really can't understand, why devs use Slack, HipChat or other Cloud Chats for internal communication.
Its even worse that three of my team use Hipchat in a Channel which the Mod is a former employee!2
To all the business owners, it's good to have employee's. It means you get to do their jobs besides your own too.1
Seriously trying not to fall asleep during compliance training at work....there's SIX HOURS worth of content each employee has to go through annually on their bday month....it's making me so slee....😴1
I love being a part of a dev project as a non-dev employee, but I really wish I could leave VBA.
If for no other reason, because I'm tired of writing functions that end with "Me.Cells(Row, Column).Value" practically in my sleep.
There are a lot of other reasons, though...1
I have a job opportunity that would require me to move cross-country. The process would be that I do contract work for them for about six months while I work out the details of moving my family. The position is remote, even once I move.
Does anyone have experience being a contractor and/or remote employee and would like to share your knowledge? What's it like? What don't you like? What pitfalls should I avoid?
Hate new company within a month.
They are downgrading my technology..Seniors are behaving like a boss..It's been a month and I don't know who are in my team.
Project setup is not done and asked to finish the task within 1.30 hrs which has been pending since long days and need to fix on other's machine.
What the heck is this?2
So I moved to a new company.
When entered there at first working day, found one candle on my table. I suppose that former employee left it for me.
Hmm, do you think the same thing as I do ?7
I'm a brand-new employee for my college's IT service. During my training, I was given a briefing on their security system. After something broke, he tapped into an administrative database on his chromebook, then he went to go check something while leaving the chromebook alone with someone he just met for over 30 minutes.2
This rant goes way back.
> Be a student with student placement program at a big non IT related company back in the college days
> Given the job to work on a system to digitize their paperwork
> Had to go through 1.5 workdays of bureaucracy (?) to install Notepad++ and other basic open source tools to work with
IT'S JUST NOTEPAD++ NOT THE FKN MATRIX! JUST APPROVE THE DAMN THING!1
I don’t know what I’m most excited about for tomorrow.
Tomorrow my imbecile flatmate moves out, and we have a Christmas party at work, but I think the most exciting thing about tomorrow, is getting the keys to my own apartment tomorrow.
I still can’t believe it, a year ago I was a school dropout, got money from the government, till today, 21 years old, full time employee at mid-Norways largest production company, and buying my own apartment
What is your way of diagnosing a desktop/laptop?
An employee at work told me that her daughters laptop is acting strangely and she asked me, since I am into computer and I said sure. I said to her to tell her daughter what I am specifically looking for. I never really done this before.6
New on the job. Got assigned to a project a former employee didn't finish, thousands of lines of code with barely any comments or uninsightful comments.
Is this what being a developer is like?2
I underatand that Entity Framework makes things easy when it works. But when it doesnt, it is the worst thing ever. And it works less often than it should. THANK YOU FORMER EMPLOYEE FOR LEAVING US WITH A SYSTEM THAT HAS A MIND OF ITS OWN.1
Sad because I was performing an extensive code integration of a release from an external source and then an employee from another building integrated another release before me
Now I need to request a new release with the bug fixes and it will take various days, maybe weeks (and if another release is integrated before, the cycle restarts).
I might be able to integrate by the end of the next year. Who knows.
Why do people think that putting in more hours = more productivity and sitting extra makes you a more hard working employee?
Today out producer guy indirectly tried to tell me to 'be more productive' and to show 'some dedication'; I asked him outright that is he implying that staying beyond office hours is how I'm suppose to do it and the asshole replies how else would you? (in a non aggressive way)
Fuck this attitude. 😐2
This situation, when you are working as external employee in a company that needs you to test safety-critical systems.
You wait months for "THE" (internal) test tool you have to use to implement your specified tests.
Finally , you meet with the responsible dev guy to let him setup everything.
Me: Hi, I'm here for setting up the test tool for project XY
Dev: Eh? No one (manger) ordered the tool for project XY!
New employee joining the company next week. Where should she start on JS?
New employee is joining the company I work for next week, and I have the responsibility to teach, train and give her tasks. It is my first time training someone so I really have no idea how to do this. :P
She knows a little bit of Vanilla JS. Our projects are built with AngularJS (v1) with ES6, Webpack & Babel, ReactJS & jQuery. I want to put her on the project using AngularJS.
What order of learning do you recommend? VanillaJS, AngularJS & ES6? AngularJS & ES6? Or if you have any other suggestion, feel free to let me know.
That one time my brother received a call from some Indian dude that "worked" for Microsoft, who was alerting him about a "virus".
My brother (who was in his mid teens at the time) downloaded a program that the guy linked him to, and consciously installed it to allow the dude to take over his computer. Then, with full power over the computer, guy started doing shady stuff and offered him a one year protection for $99.
Thank God mom knew what was up when he asked for her credit card info...
Is this survivorship bias or can people just not hold down a job anymore?
I am starting a new contract to create a full stack web application with a medical company that will contain some sensitive data about their clients/patients.
I have been working as a salaried full-time employee for a medical software company, but I have been shielded from any sort of lawsuits from the client (worst case scenario, I'd get fired).
Do any of you have any advice on what I should do to protect myself in terms of LLC's, Insurances, etc?2
Is it normal for a big corporation to not give a tour to a new employee, say when is our lunch time, when do I leave and just load a 2k page book (vol1 of 2)? It's my 1st job and I'm a junior consultant...2
Right after entering the Office Depot:
Employee: Do you have a computer?
Me: (awkwardly) yes.
Employee: When was the last time you diagnosed your computer?
Me : (wtf) never
Employee: Bring your computer to us, we will do free diagnosis and help you fix issues and bla bla bla ....
Interview: "We provide on going training for all our developers."
// lie to employee
Console.WriteLine("We'll have to schedule some training for you.");
// wait 30 days
I'm still a student, I'm attending my second year of university. Today I got what I could call a job offer. But tbh I'm not sure about that. The company that should hire me doesn't exist yet and I will work as a part-time employee until I finish the university. Idk I feel like I'm not suited for the job (I will work as Web Dev), like I'm not good enough even for a job that still doesn't exist. Yeah I'm shit3
Now due to march ending is around the corner, manager will frustrate and put employee on the edge of chair and doing shitty work just because illiteracy of boss. Literally hated this part of work.
So while reviewing a pull request a see that a co-worker named a variable "em" which stands for employee manager. So I asked him to rename it from "em" to "employeeManager" but he replies - Thats how all variables referencing that class are named in the rest of the app so he is being consistent with the app. What do you think should be done? Do I approve his PR?4
I've hired a apprentice that's literally today Said he doesn't want to be a programmer i said then... what are you doing here?
He didn't say anything ...
Do I fire him he didn't quit? I mean weird fucking situation. He doesn't seem engaged anymore so ... He ain't doing shit I should add4
if I could use the time I spend on the Windows loading screen actually programming, I might actually be a productive employee.
it has to do with our network... if it's not connected when you boot, it's fast enough, but that's using cached credentials... what the hell is taking so long?2
Do employer also feel insecure if their employe is very progressive, hyperactive?
Like if he is a good employee then he can get a good offer and can leave current job anytime.1
How did you guys get your business running once you were freelancing? Did you do subcontract work for your old employee or just start fresh with a bunch of customers?1
Once I had a meeting with a employee. He asked for some bonus money and I wanted to fire him. Was weird.1
Iwanted to create a website like freelancer, but the customers choose the dev instead of the dev choosing his employee. Do you think its worth a shot?32
You get interns when you have free time and employee when you want work done.
Only speaking from experience.
Anyone with similar experience?
😡 twat of an employee just broke the iMac he's had for barely a week i own it 🙄
You need fucking suction cups to get the screen off to replace it 😔 I get mistakes happen but if Im looking after someone elses shit I make sure I'm super careful with it.2
Has anyone here interviewed people over the phone for freelancing or employee position?
What are some tips from your personal experience?6
Windows Remote Desktop Connection for ALL of our VMs. No VPNs whatsoever. If an employee wants to connect to work from home, we have to set up RDP on their PC. 😐🔫4
went to the medicare dept at my ofc and asked for some tablets.she handed me only one tablet .
I asked for one more ,she denied saying I can't give more than one due to policies.
let the employee die but follow your policies.
m leaving this job asap.1
For the employee goals evaluation, my manager suggested to word "the higher-ups difficult to deal with on the other parts of the world" as "handling complex and challenging situations due to time zone differences"1
When you are the youngest hire in the organisation and the second elder employee is 4 years senior to you ;_;
Teamleading apprentice reporting in.
Today our new frontend employee told me our app wont start. I have wasted 90 minutes figuring out somebody installed an older node version via remote. Turned out the head of our administration thought: mhm it has been more than three weeks since they reported they had problems on the new frontend employee pc, lets check it out.
He did not inform anybody, not the user of the pc, me or the head of our IT department.
There needs to be a game called along the lines of "how to be a better employee" so if someone so happens to see my browser history dosent see a trail of No mans sky links.
Working in this job double as long as me.
Also my colleague:
isSafari = navigator.userAgent.indexOf("Safari") > -1 (pro tip: almost any browser but Firefox contains Safari in it's user agent, because browsers lie)
Also wasn't able to check if autoplaying a video fails. It's not my primary department, I'm just helping fixing bugs there. They really need an employee with knowledge and experience. The last and only one got fired, so...4
I join a company last few weeks ago, there is a cultural where new employee need to share 3 secrets to satisfy them in upcoming Christmas party. Any suggestions? I have totally no idea~6
How does a new employee ask for questions and don't get - "search on Google"?
Like doing a code-review together. It seems impossible these days, everyone is so busy...
I need that social interaction, and besides Google can't answer all questions thus mostly is information-based, and not something someone has been working with for many years that is targeted towards the place you work at.7
I used LDAP to get public facing employee details of my company.
Now my colleagues think that I am an hacker 😂
What is your idea of "The Perfect Date" ?
Employee (Female Software Developer):
Other formats can be confusing really.6
This is why you keep production data separate -- and out of the hands of developers: http://businessinsider.com/uber-emp...3
Where I work I'm close to the receptionist's desk so it means a phone ringing in my head all day.
I usually stay back later just so that I can work when it's quiet. You, other employee, have no soul if you caused a printer jam a full two hours after official quitting time and are now trawling IT for a support tech.
That moment when you get asked if you know a language and database that your shop has never used, because an ex-employee in a different department decided to build a mission critical app on their own accord, and it just went tits up.
Applied for Interview based on beautiful landing page, employee benefits, decent salary, awesome interview questions exchange etc.
First day on the job, just meetings all day,
Second day, saw the product code.
Shittiest code I have seen in my lifetime.5
I have a doubt regarding blockchain. I understand how it works, but couldnot make use of it.
I am currently working on a platform which let client to assign task to their employee
Now I am planning to make use of blockchain on existing platform, to somehow set up a mechanism to authenticate that employee had completed the task, as a certification to the employee. I just cannot figure out how
I thought of an implementation, ( if its possible ) where client will trigger the smart contract with some employee-specific data, and the smart contract will generate a custom token, which will then be sent to the employee's account. This token will be non transferable1
So, an employee at work told me that her daughter's laptop is acting strange and I said I would diagnose it for her. I was suppose to do it today but, her daughter left it at school, so I am going to work on it Saturday.
I was wondering, how much should I charge her if I wanted to get payed?1
If some older employee writes the same code, nobody bats an eye. If a newer employee (with less than 2 years in the company) writes the exact same line, everybody loses their minds (in PR review)...
Not that I give too many fucks generally, but sometimes this partiality is annoying AF.
This causes: https://devrant.com/rants/2263742/...1
Work from home policy is still in our managers discretion - manager can just say to stay within the building and to stop buying coffee outside
Clinic is not giving away masks readily unless an employee has cough or colds7
Company automatically disables your employee login passwords after every 45 days, which is a good practice for ensuring security. However I get no notifications that my password is being disabled. The result, for the past 4 months, I've been going to IT support requesting them to let me change my password on their admin console because I forgot to change it 'once again'. Sigh.. :/2
Starts new codebase
uses boilerplate with the intent to keep a clean structure.
after 2 weeks it already a complete bunch of spaghetti code and doing things like putting the same image in 4 different directories... boy i wonder why i could never hold down a job as employee...2
Does it say something about a company if many of the devs in the team are employee-turned-consultants kept working in the same role?7
"The employee handbook has gone paperless starting this year to help the environment! Please print out the acknowledgement form and deliver to HR that you acknowledge receiving the enclosed PDF of the handbook."2
Phewww.. lots of boss here.. tired alot. The boss is angry also your co employee they feel like they're also the boss.3
*generic, flaming hyperbole about software lacking preferred features*
*over-glorifying opinion on preferred software and its superior implementations of features offered by hated product*
*actually employee of software #2's company*
I have been using the same silver spoon for 6 years. It sits in my drawer used and waiting for it's next mission. Have often thought of washing it in the lounge, but then I'd bump into people who excitedly introduce themselves and ask if I'm a new employee...I've been here 9 years.
Have never washed it, perhaps I'll get a big spoon to accompany my dirty spoon...2
Is it the manager's responsibility or the employer's responsibility to find work? I'm an employee in limbo space. I'm fine spending time to learn things, but feel kinda guilty not picking up stories9
Everywhere now there is a work from hype, so I wrote one article on my blog. Hope everyone can read and relate , to same. Shiver being working at home .
Will write one more article with pros and cons specific to company/employee.
If you live in a relatively small town and someone comes up to you and ask you to make an employee tracking android app, and also some kind of admin panel for that(also in android).. how much would you ask him to pay, if you're just a college student?19
So the restaurant I work for get interns to "revamp" the employee website (says so right on the page). The site didnt work the first couple days they had it up. Then it was fine for a week. Now everyone is getting a 404. I had thought about working as a software engineer for home office, but now Im not sure I want to since they cant even get a website working correctly for more than a week.