You should know the difference 😁

Fuck you, I Quit

no !! how dare you ??!!!?!?!!?!?

Ah yes. Fuck you

I see what you did there, Microsoft.

And then one day you wake up and discover that your first boss,

the one who hired you when you had no experience

who believed in you when nobody else did

and also paid you a full decent payment when the rest of the world tried to pay you less than half the amount

who taught you a lot about the business and even when you disagreed, it was impossible to get angry because he was calm and gentle always

and treated you so many lunches and dinners

…was beaten and killed by a former colleague…

I have no words…

Sayonara 👋 boss
I will miss you so much on this Earth 😢

I would absolutely love it if people would write their own stupid code instead of blindly mixing everyone else's mental diarrhea together and pouring the resulting mess into their bloody stupid IDE. At least then I could insult them properly. As it is, they're outsourcing their fucking stupidity to the lowest fucking bidder and then bragging about how quickly they get everything done. And management eats it up! No wonder everything is a slow, tangled, unmaintanable mess.

I can't fix much of anything because almost none of it is in my control. It's all autogenerated bullshit glued together with laziness and poor taste. "But Root, why is fixing this taking so long?" Gee, I wonder why. Maybe if someone had built it somewhere in realm of correctly the first time, it wouldn't have all fallen apart when someone looked at it the wrong way!

Seriously, there's no way this pile of stale fertilizer could have passed QA.

That's a beautiful stack right there!

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!

Hey, Root? How do you test your slow query ticket, again? I didn't bother reading the giant green "Testing notes:" box on the ticket. Yeah, could you explain it while I don't bother to listen and talk over you? Thanks.

And later:
Hey Root. I'm the DBA. Could you explain exactly what you're doing in this ticket, because i can't understand it. What are these new columns? Where is the new query? What are you doing? And why? Oh, the ticket? Yeah, I didn't bother to read it. There was too much text filled with things like implementation details, query optimization findings, overall benchmarking results, the purpose of the new columns, and i just couldn't care enough to read any of that. Yeah, I also don't know how to find the query it's running now. Yep, have complete access to the console and DB and query log. Still can't figure it out.

And later:

Hey Root. We pulled your urgent fix ticket from the release. You know, the one that SysOps and Data and even execs have been demanding? The one you finished three months ago? Yep, the problem is still taking down production every week or so, but we just can't verify that your fix is good enough. Even though the changes are pretty minimal, you've said it's 8x faster, and provided benchmark findings, we just ... don't know how to get the query it's running out of the code. or how check the query logs to find it. So. we just don't know if it's good enough.

Also, we goofed up when deploying and the testing database is gone, so now we can't test it since there are no records. Nevermind that you provided snippets to remedy exactly scenario in the ticket description you wrote three months ago.

And later:

Hey Root: Why did you take so long on this ticket? It has sat for so long now that someone else filed a ticket for it, with investigation findings. You know it's bringing down production, and it's kind of urgent. Maybe you should have prioritized it more, or written up better notes. You really need to communicate better. This is why we can't trust you to get things out.

*twitchy smile*

I've missed you all.

Don't care if you're the best fucking dev in the world.
If you don't respect time, I don't respect you.

What do you think?

Thank you !!

So this guy is supposed to do the frontend.
I do the backend.
I offer an endpoint.
He does his HTML+CSS magic.
Me: Cool but data is hardcoded. Could you get the data from the endpoint I sent you?
Him: "I'd prefer you do that, I can make a git repo so you download the front."

... So you don't do frontend, you just write pretty layouts. And I have to actually write the frontend logic? Go f yourself.

ALRIGHT

WHAT FUCKING DUMBASS AT APPLE DECIDED THAT YOUR AIRPODS SHOULD PAIR WITH YOUR

CLOSED

FUCKING

MACBOOK

INSTEAD OF YOUR ACTIVELY SEARCHING IPHONE

PRODUCT MANAGERS ARE SHIT

DEVELOPERS ARE SHIT

THE WORST IS KNOWING THEY ALL EARN EASILY 6 FIGURES

AND ARE ABSOLUTE GARBAGE AT EVERYTHING

when people think you know everything...

Merry Christmas to the whole pile of you! ⛄

Unless you don't want a merry Christmas. Then that's fine as well

Love you too Lua

To my boss I want to say, "You get what you pay for."

When you're home sick but you do what you gotta do. I know you're jealous of my sick set up 😂

If you don't let the company enslave you then you're not a team player.

Also, you're definitely NOT flexible!

When you ask for documentation and they hand you a Word document with screenshots of the changed code

Anytime you feel down, just remember this.....

Happy Christmas to all of you

!dev

Find the snake under 10 seconds If you can.

Prioritize work/life balance

These companies don’t give a F about you

If you die slaving for them, they’ll move on like you never existed to begin with.

If you absolutely have to bombard me with meetings, I'd very much appreciate you being on fucking time.

What do you call it when you type a script? A TypeScript. Then you spill coffee on it...

now it's a JavaScript.

You know that moment you realize you read/write the wrong variable, and that's why u were stuck for 2-4 hours?

That.

I agree with everything you say, German man.

???: Salesforce is simply the best. You can do anything you can dream of with it. It can solve all of your pro—

Dev: Sir, this is a Wendy’s.

Hi Junior devs, we love you 👋

When UX Designers tell you: "We need a custom Datepicker"

Anyone else got a date after Christmas?

Fuck you santa.

When you check out some older code and realise you are not the brightest snowflake

New client: can we go live next month?
Me: do you think you are our only client, or do you want to pay an extra priority fee?
New client: what?
Me: what?

*Crickets"

You cant write that you have used Linux on your CV just because you are using WSL

In Soviet Russia, gay sex gets you arrested. In America, getting arrested gets you gay sex.

One of the guys in my uni group project accused me of bullying, shutting him out of the group, ignoring him and taking over his work. He complained to head of year, I had to have a "discussion" with head of year, welfare tutor and my personal tutor.

For supporting evidence, I brought the message he'd posted in our team Facebook group where he told me to do the thing I was doing. The discussion didn't last long, but it seemed he was unhappy with me asking questions, mean things like "I need a draft api to do my work, why don't we sit down and design it instead of the UI you're working on?"

Conclusion? He "worked on a separate project". Got to the end of the year, the whole class went for pub drinks, someone else came up to me, had been through the exact same thing, exact same person, different group project.

Group projects teach you to hate people.

dad to uncle: you know, my son is a programmer
uncle to me: what do you do son, as a programmer
me: catch bugs
uncle( thinking ): 🐞🐞🐝🐝
uncle: I hope you find a better job in the future!!

When you no longer understanding your code, the feeling 😂

Wish You And All Your Families A Very Happy Christmas 🌲🌲🌲🎄🎄🎄🎅🎅🎅🎁🎁🎁🤝🤝🤝

You know what is fucked up, when you click on a YouTube video to watch a trailer for a movie and you see an ad just before that for the exact motherfucking movie trailer just in local language. Wtf Google.

The time when work got you burnt out / exhausted?
Yes.

You know when you try to fix a bug but you end up fixing a different bug you had no idea existed

Say Fuck You more often.

When you are plugged in and someone taps from behind.

You can understand this.... 😅 😅

Comment if you gone through this...!!

Did you #GIT IT? 😛

Once upon a time
Performance Review, "great job", "like all your achievements so far".. signed.

Two days later, same manager, "as you can guess, you didn't pass probation. Could have done more."
"Oh more like?"
"Just, you know, more."

Knowledge Transfer

"No you can't ask a question"

Urgh, fucking excel!
Why the fuck can't you handle a few thousand calculations you dumb ass piece of shit.

I am this close to... fuck, it crashed. 🤦‍♂️

I fucking give up.
Time to strap this data to a DB instead.

Think Before you trash it.....

You are a great dev

How to step up the level of emotional torture PhD students are subjected to by academia:
In addition to the normal status for submitted papers, which are "received", "under review" and "decision pending", let's add "undisclosed"!
Which means they know about the decision, you know they know, they know you know they know, but they will still leave you hanging for an unknown period of time, bathing in acidic dread.

just a tip. if you read the emails from the management in funny voice they wont pass you off.

You returned from your five-day vacation you spent in the mountains. You’re exhausted, but you feel awesome. After all, you climbed Mount Hood all alone, all by yourself.

As phones die in freezing conditions, you took pictures with your camera, that amazing views from the mountain peak, and everything on your way there.

You connect your camera to your PC. You open the pictures folder and realize the photos you took are gone. Instead, there are just five pictures.

Pictures of you. Sleeping in your tent.

Dev: Writes "this feature will take some time..." (proceeds to list bullet points touching on the main modifications required)

Manager: Can you explain what you mean by "takes some time?"

Dev: ...

Manager: ...

"It's secure because you can't input more than 15 characters"

Have a function that takes parameters and then performs a switch statement to determine what function to call next with those same parameters. One of those parameters is a Union type.

During CR, my reviewer said they’d like if instead of returning the function per case, I instead assigned a handler to the value of the function per case and then returned that handler at the end of the switch. Simple change, right? Only snafu, I’m casting one of the parameters on a per-case basis.

Somehow, through no fucking change of my own, TypeScript in its wisdom has decided that the type of that value by the time I call the next function is a fucking Intersection.

WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK IT’S AN INTERSECTION?! I’m fucking casting it per case! I’m ensuring it’s the right type for the next function called on a per case basis!

…. And that, my friends, is how I wasted a day with a stupid refactor that was ultimately just scrapped because no one could figure out how to make it work.

Goddamn fucking TypeScript. I

LoL, I swear, some of these job ads..

- You study Java every day
- You anticipate and you follow Java trends every day
- You go to our Java events

Oh so you mean I don't have a life? No thanks.

Fucking css, why won't you work the same way you did locally when put in production

I think I used to rage more at complete idiots when I was younger because I had the time and energy to do so

Now I've seen it at least a million times and just don't give a shit anymore

thought you guys might like this one

do you guys ever use the mouse?

Another day, another shitty set of JIRA tickets.

In this week's edition, we run into an issue you'd think is a meme, something you couldn't even make up: three tickets with IDENTICAL titles, but miraculously, they actually refer to three DIFFERENT tasks! (Also comical, they're not bugs, they're tasks, but mouth breathers don't really know the difference, and at this point I just don't have the energy to attempt to explain what could be explained to elementary school children.)

I present a rare look into our national archives!

This document features two exhibits:

Exhibit A: product owner's original ticket titles

Exhibit B: translated-into-competency-because-i'm-not-mentally-deficient ticket titles

Just more proof that 'product owners' don't own shit, the devs are the real ones who actually know what is going on.

I mean just LOOK at Exhibit A's titles. As a big smart manager, do you write those tickets, smile, and say to yourself "Ah, yep, that's very clear, I'll definitely remember what each of these mean literally 5 seconds from now!"

Is asking for literally 30 seconds more of thought too much to ask for? Apparently.

Just kill me

Happy friday ☠️

That’s how you should format a date in JS/TS!

Stakeholder: Users are connecting invalid memberships to their web accounts. They shouldn’t be able to do that.

Me: Their memberships were valid when they set up the account. Your team’s record de-duping project is the issue here. You decided to mark those memberships as invalid.

I’m real tired of this stakeholder acting like this is a website issue or user error. Plus, this chaos could have been avoided if they and other involved stakeholders had just cc’d me on this de-duping project. I would have said their approach was not a good idea. But they didn’t because they want to do what’s convenient for them. If they want to be a reliable source of truth for our data, then they need to be responsible with how they’re handling that data.

I love you all so much

I run an informational website for medical students. We just got hacked. Fuck you and fuck you WordPress.

What is the most fucked up office politics you experienced?

you get a tech job ...

If you want a good laugh, just read into cryptocurrencies

People add you to a meeting 5 minutes before a call and then everyone expects you to answer question🥲😅

can you do it ?

I created some test entities specifically for our staging site. Written in all capitalized letters in the BIG TITLE of the entity I included DO NOT DELETE. This is very clearly visible in the CMS. What's the first thing the content managers do?

You guessed it.

I guess if plain English doesn't work, I'll have to use Kindergarten rules and put a custom lock on them so they can never be deleted.

Muad'Dib fullstackchris can already predict the future, in a few weeks: "hey!!!! fullstackchris, I can't delete these test entities!!!!! whats wrong with the system?!?!"

sigh...

You lost the game

Manager : you are fired

Me: *pausing Netflix*
Me : why?

I have this pact with my neighbor - if someone delivers a package to them, I knock on their door when I notice it to let them know and if they don’t answer, I take it into my apartment and leave a note. Same goes if she or her kids see a package delivered for us and we don’t answer.

So last month, we have a flooding incident in our complex and her flat’s damaged so they have to leave to stay at a hotel for a bit. It’s only supposed to be until the 20th (of last month).

So when she gets a package a few weeks ago, I knock and when there’s no answer, take it into my apartment and leave a note.

Note stays on the door for days.

And then it disappears, so I assume she’s home.

But she never answers the door.

And then I see workers in her place.

So now I don’t know if it’s the workers who picked up the note or if she was back and I missed her.

But it’s been a couple of weeks and I’m starting to worry about her. Like, the day of the flood she almost died and I ended up coming over to help (getting her oldest to do CPR, talking to 911, trying to keep people calm), so I know she’s not feeling great lately.

And I’m the kind of idiot that never thought to exchange numbers.

So I’ve resorted to internet stalking and messaging her on Facebook.

And knocking on the downstairs neighbor’s door since I know they’re related. They didn’t answer. I’ll try again later.

I have no idea what else to do. I mean, I don’t think I can contact the office and be like “Can you please provide me contact information for my neighbor? I have their stuff. Thanks.”

#awkward

What the Fuck do you want?:

When you want to wake up early in the morning but you accidently open devrant before going to bed and there goes your 2 hours without noticing what time it is and still you can't get enough of it. #devrantaddiction

Never write at the limit of your talents! Remember: debugging is always twice as hard as writing code. And if you write as cleverly as you can, you won't be able to debug it anymore.🧠

Ahahaha.

I'm creating a "bring with you" Linux install. So I got a 512 GB USB key. (You know, to even have some persistance).

Linux flashing tool : are you sure ?

Fun :)

Is it relatable to you too? 😅🥲

I will tell you a UDP joke but you might not get it xD

It really sucks when you join a company, you are really excited and then you see that the management and the work culture in the company sucks and you cant wait to leave...such a waste of time and energy :'(

TFW you realize a virus is out performing you on version releases.

soundcloud wants you to login to scrub through tracks?

fuk this. fuk off. who tf do you think you are?

oMg wE NeEd tO SeLl dAtA

go to hell

Don't you love when clients who don't know shit about your system tell you that they have you a solution to your bug.

Doctor thank you for turning me into a catgirl

Imagine your manager saying to you: "I've reviewed your salary and I think we are paying you too little, so I would like us to negotiate your raise." - and then proposing a larger sum than you were expecting.

Another reason to love and support Open-source, is that you can be vocal about what you believe in, what you stand for, and what you support.

All without the fear of anyone or any criticism.

On this special holiday, #DevStory# wishes you all:

MERRY CHRISTMAS

:)

Can you guess my favorite editor? Just got my custom keycaps.

@iiii are you okay? The war and stuff...

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

I've concluded you can't get a job these days unless you're some fucking wizard. It's always the response: "We found better candidates than you".

can you solve the issue in production mentioned in this slack channel you don't have access to and we're not going to grant you access to?

Does anyone else feel like HackerRank questions are trick questions?
Without a textfield to explain the answer It highly depends on how deeply you think about it..

Can you do x with technology y?
Yes.
Can you do x with technology y alone?
Well yeah but no, you still need something to process it. What does "alone" mean? Without electricity you sure can't do anything.
Extreme example but you get my point..

Thanks windows for wiping my bootloader after I having to reinstall you. Idk what I'd do without you.

I just can't... 😑 You bought a template, you get a template. PS: Learn English!

What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.

Why hello there, your profile mentions you're not looking for an offer and lists PHP as a technology you don't want to work with.
Boi, are you in luck, cause I have that sweet PHP offer for you

Do you see my screen ?

I remember I was a child trying to tinker around the only computer that we had. No one knew how to install the Windows OS from scratch with the drivers and everything else (they were installed on floppy disks) so when no one was around I managed to do it everything. I remember such joy, felt like a hacker 😂

Now I'm a web developer and I feel like a moron each time I'm sitting on a defect I can't solve so I'd say these were good times 😜

Complete this? 😂😂

One good error and you know everything about the project

When you realize devRant's SEO is pretty decent and you were getting doxxed from your old account so you change your name to fullstackclown 🤡

(tried to include the emoji in it but once again devRant is too smart for me)

What is the definition of an engineer?

Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

It sucks when a better company offers you a better role once you are signed a contract in lower company.

Facebook be like
We put react-dom in your react so you can dom while you react and we also put react-native in your react so you can native while you react but we also put react-native-web in your react so you can dom while you native while you react

That feeling when you realize your work friend isn’t actually your friend, and you have no connection with anyone you work with anymore.

Some of you coders are absolute chads IRL

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!

What do you call a singing Laptop A Dell

"Here's the sprint, it's well defined. fullstackchris, can you do this in two weeks?"

"Hmmm... nice work, looks well defined. It'll be tough, but sure, I can do it two weeks!"

Two days before sprint ends:

"Can we quickly duplicate n number of features from apps with literal armies of devs like whatsapp, airbnb, and Instagram?!?!?! We NEED these features to be polished and work perfectly!"

Scope creep will be my ONLY feedback in this retro.

Records Person: Can you look at this member renewal issue for system A? It’s happening on the website you maintain. Here are some recent errors to debug.

Me (web developer): I can’t reproduce the error your reporting. Is there something I’m missing? And is there an example for the staging environment?

RP: There’s another team that will manually reconcile the records in system A if they don’t match what’s in system B. So this gives users two active memberships when it should only be one.

Me: 😑 So you already know the issue is human intervention messing with the records and causing the renewal issue. This is not a website issue. It’s a data issue.

When you finally see the light....

JavaScript will always make you feel stupid

Dang it all to hestia. I was feeling lower and lower then I realized I wasn't exercising like at all. So I got to my walks again at work and went to gym after work. I feel like a million bucks!

Question for those that switched from Web, Mobile Apps development, Full-stack development to Game development after a year or more:
- Do you regret the change?
- What Game engine do you use?
- What Programming language do you use?

"Please move the logo left. The text goes a bit under."

Do you guys think people realize how unclear they are, and are just too fucking lazy to write the full spec? Or are they just so fucking stupid they don't realize I literally have no fucking clue what to do exactly with comments like these?

I guess Hanlon's razor applies here, but some days I just don't know...

Happy Friday! ☠️

Chromium cannot sign in (to Google) anymore to sync.

I would just like to know, why does google hate secure systems?

You picked: bipolar
You picked: autism
It's super effective!
Achievement unlocked: glass cannon

"Can you send me your .env file please?"

The moment you find a fix for something after days but you don't understand how it fixes at all.

Youtube you alright???

When you have to edit a 100+ line method but you discover that it has 0 test coverage.
Feels bad :/

How do you make holy water? You freeze it and drill holes in it.

the moment you realize you need to plug a GPT chatbot as your support guy... is the moment when you should realize you fucked up your UX

hello, youtube!

I deployed one of our staging websites to a free plan because the site is rarely used. Project Manager sends the stakeholders the new url. There will be a lot of 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♂️🤦 all around. Some of it’s my fault. A lot of it is just WTF.

Stakeholder: We still need the staging site because we don’t want to test in the live site…

PM: Okay. We didn’t say we were deleting the site. We are just moving it to a new and better hosting platform, so we’re letting you know the url has changed.

Stakeholder: This url is for the front facing page. How do I access the backend? [they mean the admin interface]

Me: The only thing that’s changed is the url for the staging website. So domain-A/account is now domain-B/account.

I thought that was a pretty straightforward way of explaining things, that even a non technical person would get it. They took the /account example as the literal login url.

Stakeholder: I forgot the password for our admin login and I submitted a password reset, but I realize I don’t know if I have access to the admin email. Or if it’s even a real email account.

WTF

I look back at the email chain and I realize that I gave the PM the wrong url.

Also, WTF x 2. How did this stakeholder not realize they were looking at the wrong website?? There are definitely noticeable style and content differences. And why would you have an admin login that uses a fake email??

Me: My apologies. I sent over the incorrect url. My instructions are mostly the same. All that’s changed is the domain.

Stakeholder’s assistant: [DMs me] How do we access the backend?

WTF…are they seriously playing this game and demanding I type out the url for them?! 🤬 I’m not playing this game and I just copy and paste the example that I already sent over.

They figure it out eventually. Apparently, they never used /account to login before They used /admin/index… but that would still bring them to /account, but with ?redirect=/admin/index appended to the url if they weren’t logged in. Again, WTF.

I know I made mistakes in this whole thing, but damn. I can’t even. I’m pretty sure this whole incident is fueling my boss’s push to stop supporting this particular website anymore so I can focus on sites that actually bring in revenue…and have stakeholders that aren’t looney and condescending like this.

learn when to say no. you gotta play and say yes sometimes, otherwise people won't like you, but if you say yes to anything they'll walk over you

Drake: Kiki do you love me?
Me:

Cash your skills till you get depressed by overwork...

Don't you love when the designer can do their pretty shit without consulting you and then the client ask you why the shit the designer made looks so different.

#define true false;

I went down a rabbit hole of code changes to try and delete a stupid for loop with a break in it.

It was super stupid and I gave up and submitted to the fact that some battles are not worth the time and stress.

OK... But seriously, It was returning multiple entities from the database, but we only always want the first one. My logic is that we should just go in there and fix the LINQ so we are explicitly getting one entity out.

But fuck that logic. No I'll have to change fucking everything that's tied to that method and expects a list from it. Every fucking thing. That includes error handling, parsing, for loops..... Nevermind...

You can have your foreach and your break. I'm taking mine, now.

Happy Holidays everyone!!
Stay safe, pamper yourself and don't forget to remember you are loved :))

Will see you on the other side 🤘

Funfact you can report your own rants

Gotta love having developer friends you can trust to help you out when stuck, this goes to all you unsung heroes!

you know that feel when you're in one or two weeks of vacation and one day, you look into the mirror and you notice you look like 5 years younger and also you're able to actually enjoy things in life and try out new things, and you wonder, what am i doing with my life...

What would you do if you started a new job and found out it's a complete clown show?

If you touch me without my consent, I won't fight you. Instead, I'll be there for you, at your home, at night, wearing nothing but a cheaply made papier-mâché Shrek mask, in all my five-inch glory, with a cheese grater, telling you that you, my friend, are like an onion, that you have layers

I wish you OK holidays!

Windows is not full of surprises. One can expect the (light) blue screen.

(Picture in comments because it stretches like yo mama pussy in the post)

How long can you work in a role with no potential that bores you shitless but pays an astronomical amount?

Be who you are and say what you will, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

Your life is a line. You don’t decide how long it is, but only you decide how wide it is.

What's the oldest thing you own and still use?

Did you already forget about the game? :)

Working at a different company for a few weeks before getting back to my usual work.
I'm using everything I hate: ReactJS, factories, style through JS, Jira, Teams, TDD...

The only good thing is I'm using TypeScript...

@boombodies : Do you have CIA operatives working with you?

Anyone else noticed how Comp Sci teachers are always useless so you just end up teaching yourself way more than they've taught you?

Fake it till you burn out, then day-dream wishing you could make it.

what!

I didn't know you could overload an operator.

Yesterday, the Project Manager forwarded an email from a staff member who worked on a donations campaign. Staff member was confused about a Cloudflare challenge that appeared before the user was sent to the donation page. It’s a less than 5 second JavaScript check. He thought it looked fishy.

I had to explain that it’s a security measure that’s been up for almost a month. PM knows this but left it to me to explain because ownership of the site is on me. The donations page and api gets hit by a lot of bots because it’s a public api and there are no security measures like captchas to deter the bots. I’m inheriting this website and I didn’t build it.

Staff member says other staff want to know if the Cloudflare page can be customized so it looks more legit. Um, Cloudflare is a widely known legit service. Google it.

A few thoughts pop into my head:

1. Engineering communicated to stakeholders about the Cloudflare messaging a month ago.

2. Wow, stakeholders don’t share relevant info with their staff who aren’t on these emails.

3. Woooow, stakeholders and staff don’t look at the website that often.

Yo dawg, I heard you like writing code for code you already wrote. So I made you write some mock functions so you can write code for code you already wrote!

YouTube: My ultimate ultimate working from the toilet productivity setup as a software wanker

= cue useless expensive gadgets and seizure inducing lights

My pet peeve is IMs that start wtth hi or GM. Please people. Can you write what you want from me. Why don't you ask about how my dog is doing as well?

Future01

Click, click, click, click.
Tap, tap, tap, tap.
Swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe,.
Scroll, scroll, scroll, scroll.

I’m tired of living on popularity driven planet among animals, where number of clicks on likes, subscriptions and links are worth more than iq, education and experience.

Let’s face it - AI is showing us traffic driven recommendations that sucks. If you’re hooked up to social network and can’t disconnect from it you’re half way to matrix. You probably also disagree with me cause you’re serotonin junkie. You can’t stop like you can’t stop eating for a day. Bubble have you in your hands and whatever you do you probably won’t wake up. To be honest most of us won’t. It’s already to late.

I’m waiting for meta so they can put you in virtual world where you can have what you want and at the same time own nothing. They will put you in some small empty space and give you something to eat how many times you want so you can feel safe and click, tap, swipe, scroll more so they can own this planet.

You will be living only to deliver corporate metadata and you will be happy, cause they will make you happy with giving you emotions that you want to feel at exact moment.
If you get out, you won’t be able to interact cause you won’t know how to behave, you will become wild animal.

By going out you will break the law, cause outside world will be long gone. To move to bar or visit family you will travel with autonomous vehicle that have screens instead of windows.

Eventually you stop going to bar cause it’s unhealthy, you stop going outside cause there’s deadly virus and you can die.

They will take you last thing later with birth control so you can have baby whenever you want and with who you want as long as both parties agree by signing baby nft contract, you don’t have to take care of your baby and be pregnant cause it will be robotized, you will see your baby in meta. You will think you feel it using robot hands.
You will never meet your baby in person.
That’s how matrix will start. We’re half way.

Welcome to ROAST YOUR BOSS BATTLE part 1

I will go first.

"Your personality is a complete horror movie with a Snapchat filter in disguise."

"If you working for heaven God will personally hire you just re-fire you for eternity."

"You are wasting resources, there are approximately 5 trees that provide you oxygen, go find them and apologies."

"Your mother should swallow you instead of giving birth to you, and this world will be less of one idiot."

How would you deal with the fact you might be dying soon?

Must be nice not to worry about work.

when you see a git message that simply reads

"a bunch of stuff"

you know it's gona be good B)

Code what you enjoy. Don't code what people say will "improve your skills." If something interests you, learn about it. Also, try broadening your interests. Learn new things that you may not have thought about before. It might be fun.

One of my friends said "kiki, why you never show your paintings to anyone?"

But if I show you my fangs, will you tell me that they're cool? Sometimes I scare myself.

Do some of you somehow internalize the rants of people here and wonder if your workmates feel the same?

Or have you encountered someone rant about a coworker but that’s also something you do/did and now you wonder if your workmates think the same about you?

Are you a jack of all trade master of none ?

when people attribute you as the author of bad code you didn't write, as you receive PR feedback to update it

when you are updating something different in the same area

Someone at work who I never met before: Hey we need this webpage updated.

Me: Who told you to contact me? This is not under my responsibilities and I don’t know why you think it is. Who was your contact before? Maybe you should be reaching out to them instead of picking a developer at random to email.

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

Where did you learn to make ice cream? Sunday school.

if you are using cancerPanel, you deserve hell

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet

Do you guys know a huge dataset?

When you mumble to yourself 'I don't get it' because you don't get why it fails, and it fails because you didn't use the get function, than you where suprisingly right, but you didn't got it.

When you have been scrolling devRant and you finally found a rant you feel strongly enough to reply to and the fkr crashes. Get on that stacktrace damnit.

Lead dev runs the program I gave him to set up a bunch of processes that run for one database.

It has a GUI that seems native to his windows environment......but it sort of is not.

The program runs, asks for the .csv file that is to be parsed into the database.

Lead dev: Ok, what is this though?
Me (his boss) "Don't worry about it"

Him: "Holy shit what the fuck is this??? TELL ME!!!"

Me: DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT

Him: "WTF DID YOU MAKE THIS IN???!

ME: DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT

CMS Admin (another one of my employees) "Would you TWO SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!?"

New Guy (mainly a frontend dev): ........

Meanwhile, in production, no one knows if your gui app is built in Lazarus and Free Pascal, as long as it works.

I really need to stop doing this to the lead dev, dude already keeps trying to choke me for writing things in perl.

On another note, Object Pascal is pretty cool. Might write a book on it for those that want to do CLI based applications on it, I have no clue why every book on the subject costs in euros, but there should be more shit written for beginners, language is awesome and one can get lots of mileage from Lazarus and FPC

When I asked why you don't use nosql

Don't get bullied by your cloud provider. You CAN negotiate your contract with them, and you should.

When you are told "JS is not a real language"

I gave you a perfectly clear instruction, everything else is on you. 🤨

On the topic of having to make decisions as a dev that shouldn’t be made (solely, at least) by devs…

There’s a lot to like in my current work environment: I enjoy being around my colleagues, I get to do a variety of tasks, and many of them interesting to me and/or great learning opportunities, the pay doesn’t suck and so on… there’s also not much pressure put on the dev team from other parts of the organisation. The flipside of the coin is that nobody who should express some kind of vision as to how we should develop the product further does so.

Me and my fellow devs in the team are so frustrated about it. It feels like we’re just floating around, doing absolutely nothing meaningful. It’s as if the business people just don’t care. And we are the ones ending up deciding what features to develop and what the specs are for those etc. and I really don’t think we should be the ones doing that.

One would think that’s a great opportunity to work on refactoring, infrastructure, security and process improvements and so on - but somehow we get bothered just enough by mundane issues we can’t get to work on those effectively. Also, many of the things we’d want to do would need sign-off from the management, but they are not responsive really. Just not there. Except for our TM, but they don’t have the power neccessary… at least they are trying tho…

Developers, how many monitors do you use for coding?

As far as you can remember, what was the first thing you did on the www?

Can I just say, I owe my soul, nerves and eternal gratitude to the folk over at Percona? They publish articles that have, on more than one occasion, saved my hide when a DB node wasn't working as it should, and I had to find out how to fix that.

Seriously, amazing, love those guys!

How do you pronounce uint?

Parental Programming: noun 1. Between chaning diapers and preparing milk bottles you contemplate about the code you are going to write. So in the 5 min you get to do it you can punch it out almost perfectly before you have to clean vomit from a carpet.

In what programming language, you love to code the most?
edge case: if you don't love to code, then skip the question

What do you get when you combine a greenfield project with a brownfield project?

A stinking pile of compost.

How fucking hard can it be to show a simple image. Guess which app has this feature.

Images are cropped to frame, but you can tap to fit the whole image to frame instead. No way to see the image on full screen. Pinch to zoom works, but it will immediately unzoom if you let go even one finger.