Maybe I could get better bug reports from clients if I made them use this.

I wonder if it has Jira integration.

I prefer silent kills.

× open Jira ticket classified as a BUG REPORT
× Title: "Mike"
× Description: "Mike is working with us"
× assign it to Mike

× reopen it every time it's closed

‪How to get your Jira ticket resolved:‬

‪1: Assign in it the person‬
‪2: Mention him on the ticket‬
‪3: Remember the ticket number ‬
‪4: Sneak into his office‬
‪5: ‬

Support in the nutshell.

This project manager, man....

> Sends email to a client "Dear Ms X, here's your password for the Jira board: [...] Please handle it with care and keep it secret."
> Email goes out to 5 people.

COVID-19
Why it sounds like a JIRA ticket?

If I was Dumbledore I would have hid the philosopher's stone in Jira's UI

Dev team: Using Jira, Trello, other collaborative tools.

Boss: -"Progress?"

Dev team:

boss: please look into tools that do X.

fullstackchris: Ah, here's a solution we can use!

boss: I don't want to use it because it is too complicated.

fullstackchris: ok, that's fine with me...

[one week later] boss: oh I found this nice site that does X, can we do X?

fullstackchris: YES, THAT'S EXACTLY THE SOLUTION I ALREADY FOUND, *AFTER* YOU ASKED ME TO LOOK FOR A SOLUTION, AND IN THE END YOU DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT. OH HAVE YOU CHANGED YOUR MIND?!?!

F*@#! *%*#

Welcome back to practiseSafeHex's new life as a manager.

Episode 2: Why automate when you can spend all day doing it by hand

This is a particularly special episode for me, as these problems are taking up so much of my time with non-sensical bullshit, that i'm delayed with everything else. Some badly require tooling or new products. Some are just unnecessary processes or annoyances that should not need to be handled by another human. So lets jump right in, in no particular order:

- Jira ... nuff said? not quite because somehow some blue moon, planets aligning, act of god style set of circumstances lined up to allow this team to somehow make Jira worse. On one hand we have a gigantic Jira project containing 7 separate sub teams, a million different labels / epics and 4.2 million possible assignees, all making sure the loading page takes as long as possible to open. But the new country we've added support for in the app gets a separate project. So we have product, backend, mobile, design, management etc on one, and mobile-country2 on another. This delightfully means a lot of duplication and copy pasting from one to the other, for literally no reason what so ever.

- Everything on Jira is found through a label. Every time something happens, a new one is created. So I need to check for "iOS", "Android", "iOS-country2", "Android-country2", "mobile-<feature>", "mobile-<feature>-issues", "mobile-<feature>-prod-issues", "mobile-<feature>-existing-issues" and "<project>-July31" ... why July31? Because some fucking moron decided to do a round of testing, and tag all the issues with the current date (despite the fact Jira does that anyway), which somehow still gets used from time to time because nobody pays attention to what they are doing. This means creating and modifying filters on a daily basis ... after spending time trying to figure out what its not in the first one.

- One of my favourite morning rituals I like to call "Jira dumpster diving". This involves me removing all the filters and reading all the tickets. Why would I do such a thing? oh remember the 9000 labels I mentioned earlier? right well its very likely that they actually won't use any of them ... or the wrong ones ... or assign to the wrong person, so I have to go find them and fix them. If I don't, i'll get yelled at, because clearly it's my fault.

- Moving on from Jira. As some of you might have seen in your companies, if you use things like TestFlight, HockeyApp, AppCenter, BuddyBuild etc. that when you release a new app version for testing, each version comes with an automated change-log, listing ticket numbers addressed ...... yeah we don't do that. No we use this shitty service, which is effectively an FTP server and a webpage, that only allows you to host the new versions. Sending out those emails is all manual ... distribution groups?? ... whats that?

- Moving back to Jira. Can't even automate the changelog with a script, because I can't even make sense of the tickets, in order to translate that to a script.

- Moving on from Jira. Me and one of the remote testers play this great game I like to call "tag team ticketing". It's so much fun. Right heres how to play, you'll need a QA and a PM.

*QA creates a ticket, and puts nothing of any use inside it, and assigns to the PM.
*PM fires it back asking for clarification.
*QA adds in what he feels is clarification (hes wrong) and assigns it back to the PM.
*PM sends detailed instructions, with examples as to what is needed and assigns it back.
*QA adds 1 of the 3 things required and assigns it back.
*PM assigns it back saying the one thing added is from the wrong day, and reminds him about the other 2 items.
*QA adds some random piece of unrelated info to the ticket instead, forgetting about the 3 things and assigns it back.

and you just continue doing this for the whole dev / release cycle hahaha. Oh you guys have no idea how much fun it is, seriously give it a go, you'll thank me later ... or kill yourselves, each to their own.

- Moving back to Jira. I decided to take an action of creating a new project for my team (the mobile team) and set it up the way we want and just ignore everything going on around us. Use proper automation, and a kanban board. Maybe only give product a slack bot interface that won't allow them to create a ticket without what we need etc. Spent 25 minutes looking for the "create new project" button before finding the link which says I need to open a ticket with support and wait ... 5 ... fucking ... long ... painful ... unnecessary ... business days.

... Heres hoping my head continues to not have a bullet hole in it by then.

Id love to talk more, but those filters ain't gonna fix themselves. So we'll have to leave it here for today. Tune in again for another episode soon.

And remember to always practiseSafeHex

Fuck Jira

“No we don’t use the time zone info you send on each request. We get all the drivers for the store ID, choose one of them randomly and take their time zone. We have been assuming it will always be the same for all drivers for each store.”

This is my new favorite response to a Jira ticket in this company.

I may have to print it out and hang it on my desk

We don't use VSTS or JIRA. We have Excel Sheet on Google Drive.

follow on from my last rant.

I've finally gotten my new Jira project. Only thing I seem to have access to change is the Kanban board columns. Still has 50+ fields when creating a ticket etc.

Asked the support team handling the request if this was a mistake. He said no, i'll need to open another ticket to have those changes requested.

Opened and got a reply. Currently there are 2 versions of Jira running. They are working on consolidating them atm and won't help me right now until this is done. I've been asked to re-open my request after the consolidation is done in March 2019.

5 ... fucking ... months, so I can have a competent ticketing process.

He pointed me to a page explaining the move and listing all the changes taking place. Well lets look at the changes they are making that are so critical:

Change 14: Rename "More info" status to "Needs more info".

... Oh pardon me. I didn't realise such critical show stoppers were being addressed. Please do continue. Don't mind me, i'll just be over here taking 4 hours to create an Epic and 6 stories. As you were

Spending more time on JIRA than actual work...

maybe JIRA is actual work ? 🤔

It is the year 2022.
We have multiple robots on Mars.
We have mRNA vaccines.

JIRA does not yet have a dark mode.

Work, the haiku:
(Plus more Dilbert)

“Where are you on this?”
“I’m where JIRA says I am”
“Ok, but how far?”

Fucking Jira!

You fucking piece of fucking shit. You're about as useful as a nacho cheese enema.

Fuck Atlassian, fuck Jira, fuck fuck fuck fuck!

The submit button is the wrong color orange.
Priority:BLOCKER

when the project manger asks for status on a ticket.
me: what ticket
pm: hold on. (makes ticket). that one.

Deciphering 10-20 jira tickets that relate to 1 feature which aren't linked in anyway beyond titles spread throughout an epic or 2.

Ah the pain of having to go through 200 tickets to find everything you need for a single feature.

Jira ticket

Do managers not fucking understand that Jira is meant to eliminate all this stupid "What's the status with X?", and "Is Y done yet?" chatter. Our communication channels should be on business logic and other global updates about the company, not about fucking workflow status updates because you have nothing else to do with your day but ping me every 5 minutes.

LOOK AT THE REVIEW COLUMN ON JIRA. I MEAN ITS LITERALLY CALLED REVIEW. SO REVIEW IT AND DO YOUR FUCKING JOB.

I swear the devs consistently have a better overview on timelines and project status than management does - which is sad, because this is literally the definition of management!!!

Me done fixing a bug.
Me commit the fix.
Me resolve issue in JIRA.
Few minutes later, Me receive a notification. QA reopened issue: "Bug is still there".
Me go have look to Jenkins.
Pissed off, Me respond to QA: "Can you just wait for Maven to finish building the goddamn thing before testing it please?"

Every. Fucking. Time

JIRAAAAAAAAA

Manager logic: Adding "somehow" to the front of the JIRA title for the JIRA description is super clear and helpful.

Example:

Title: Chat screen doesn't work
Description: Somehow chat screen doesn't work

Do you want to really annoy the hell out of someone?

Prerequisites:

1. JIRA account for you
2. JIRA account for the victim
3. JIRA app on victim's phone

Instructions below:

1. Create a ticket and assign / add victim as watcher.
2. Open your favorite IDE or editor with any of your favorite projects with lots of files with minimal sizes.
3. Drag the folder and drop into JIRA ticket window.
4. Enjoy 😎

Don't ask me how I figured this out 😁

When the Product Owner is so angry about Agile that he removes all the Dev team from JIRA?!?! Then has a tantrum about nothing being delivered.... hmmm... because, mate, we can read your flipping mind!

JIRA. Fucking JIRA. Everybody just fucking hates it. It tops the list of shit pieces of software by a fair margin, followed by JIRA in second place and JIRA in 3rd. It's fucking unusable without superpowers and endless patience. It does whatever it goddamn pleases and randomly sends your precious input that you so carefully crafted anxiously avoiding to press one wrong key to the happy hunting grounds.

Fuck you, JIRA.
- Every developer. Really every.

Finally got my avatar. Setting it as my profile pic for Github, slack, Jira.

Thanks @dfox

Excited for the following upcoming product releases:

Dark Mode GitHub
Dark Mode Jira
Dark Mode Kubernetes
Dark Mode Kafka Streams
Dark Mode WebEx

QA : There is a bug, come at my desk now !
Me : I'm busy on some feature, can you make an issue on Jira I will fix it later.
QA : NO! It's a major issue
Me : Ok... I come.
* 3 hours later *
QA : I just created you the Jira you asked
Me : I told you, the bug is already fixed since 2 hours
QA : yeah but I will not test it until you mark the issue as done on Jira

.... Are you kidding me ??? So you interrupted me in my work two times for one stupid issue...

Last week we made jira tickets to create jira tickets

Employer:"Have you tried JIRA before?"

Me: "I know JIRA, it came from a company called 'Atlassian'. I was interested in their product, but it says that it has 30 days trial. So I didn't have a chance to use it."

After a month..

"Our JIRA is pirated, we will use it in our internal servers"..

Me: (I thought this company got an enterprise product of JIRA).

so Jira loaded without css and made my avatar kng of the universe

The sell: “become a designer, change the world”

The reality: “become a designer, create Jira tickets for devs to fix stuff you’ve noticed”

Just got asked by our JIRA admin how to add in JIRA add-ons for our self hosted version.

... if you don't know why are you admin then!?

Pet peeve: When people use "Jira" to mean story / task / sprint / epic.

*Real* pet peeve: When people use it with more than one of the above meanings in the same sentence.

"Will we finish this Jira (story) by the time we close the Jira (sprint) on Monday?"

Dude, wtf. I actually have to decode your sentences to figure out what you're on about. Just learn the right terminology. It's not hard.

my life as a single male software tester, on tinder and jira

"rejected, can't reproduce"

Tester commenting in a Jira ticket:
"Not testable"

Me thinking:
"Why? 🤨 Has he been attacked by a tiger or something?"

Boss found a wierd bug in code that only happenes in IE10. Closed Jira-task with note; Stop using IE, or update to IE11

Screw the Chief Technology Clown role...

I'm now officially Chief Babysitting Clown...

Skills I can teach you include the following:

- How to read JIRA tickets
- How to write JIRA tickets
- How to check colleagues' calendars
- How to define requirements in English and not some sort of technologically challenged caveman language
- How NOT to do any programming (since I don't have time for that anymore)

And many, many more! Inquire within!

Jira changed their UI. Again.

Instead of solving my tickets, they waste time with UI changes

Avoid Jira like the plague!

PM: Hey listen, client sent us his feedback about the app that we need to fix, they wont take time.
Me: Sure no problem.

5 Minutes later:
*Receives email*
*checks email*
15 easy tasks that take not time to finish BUT they are put inside ONE FUCKING TASK ON JIRA! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THIS SHIT! 15 IN ONE YOU DUMB FUCK!
MOVE YOUR LAZY ASS AND WRITE EACH IN ITS OWN MOTHERFUCKING TASK!

Another reason on why I hate humans -_-

You guys wanna know why I rage so much at the 🤡🤡🤡's I work with?

I shit you not, this is a ticket in our "to do" section of our Jira.

what even is ticket linking??!?!?

what even are tickets??!?!?!

or better yet.... what even the fuck is jira?!?!?! I've only been using it for over a year, give me some time to figure out how to use it!!!!!!

I don't know, maybe i'm the asshole. But at least I don't feel like a 🤡

I opened a ticket earlier with my automated ticket script, and saw its number, so I couldn't resist.

We have this incredible Jira system that allows anyone with half a brain to report anomalies, add some screenshots in it, a description, links, everything.

Then WHY THE FUCK would you add a fucking docx file in which there are 2 lines and one screenshot? What blocked you to add the fucking content of your docx shit to the fucking Jira?

I swear to god, some people should be medically forbidden to come close to a computer

what's the point of having Jira task priorities if all the tasks are assigned to major priority? >:(

I'm a software developer. Last week I spent half a day teaching a "Senior Data Scientist" how to use git branches. I spent the other half a day teaching him how to use Jira. Now I'm being told that the dev team isn't raising enough Pull Requests. FML

“You have a Jira?”
“You need a Jira, first”
“Open a Jira”
“You need a Jira for that too”
“That Jira is on the wrong board, plus you need to email _this_ form first”
Jira, Jira, Jira-fucking-jira, AAAHHHHHHHHHHH, STOP!

My job appears to be nothing more than an abstraction layer around Jira. A leaky abstraction

I fixed the #666 Jira issue at work today, I feel like I chased the demon of the app!

That slow realization that you're hitting burnout due to the toxicity of those in non-technical roles above you is wild. Also, Jira, Scrum, Sprints and all the extra bullshit can fuck right off as well.

Fucking kill me. Is this really all we do with our lives?

1,715 JIRA-related emails. ALMOST TWO THOUSAND EMAILS. I mean seriously, that's BY FAR the largest email filter I've got. I mean I had them muted of course, but when you really think about the whole thing... are we just wasting our lives chasing some garbage that doesn't really matter? ugh.

Death approaches...

Manager: (𝑤𝑟𝑖𝑡𝑒𝑠 𝑡𝑖𝑐𝑘𝑒𝑡)

Title: Something something related to the dynamic display of a button on one of our screens in our UI

Description: Something something completely different related to how entities are filtered on a different screen

Dev: f*&$ing hell, do i have to give yet ANOTHER schooling in JIRA this week?!

I swear they're drunk every time they write tickets.

funniest thing today: PM asking me to create a Jira subtask for EACH class / data type of the data model that I'm CURRENTLY concipating / designing in this story.

maybe I should write a Jira / Enterprise Architect integrated tool that updates Jira tasks based on my modeling actions, and count minutes until our sysadmin arrives at my desk.

jeez, that guy really has a fetish for kafkaesque bureaucracy.🤦‍♀️

JIRA, the haiku (w/Bonus Dilbert strip)

Please make a ticket
Please move the ticket you made
Please tag your ticket

That moment you realise you spent the day skinning Jira to look like atoms material dark theme because a key system is down preventing testing😊

What should be actual JIRA statuses

Got a few Jira tickets reassigned to me because the dev who was supposed to work on them got stuck on another project. It's fine, that happens.

I open the tickets. No descriptions for all of them. No screenshots for those reported as bugs, nor any replication steps. No attached test cases or, well, ANY useful information.

I talk to our BA, he says that all information I need are in OTHER tickets on ANOTHER BOARD that business manages but I DON'T HAVE ACCESS TO. Honestly, these shitfucks could've just done simple copy/paste. But nooooo...

So I reassign all the tickets back to their original reporters (business testers) with comments requesting more information.

It's been a week. Now I have no idea what to put in my time sheet.

JIRA Push Notification: [Task] Assigned to <PM>
JIRA Email: [Task] Assigned to <PM>
Hangouts: <PM> I removed that task from you.
5 minutes later at my desk: PM: "Did you see my hangouts? You don't need to do that task anymore."

I'll go with this format for now...

SCRUM master asked me to teach him jira! 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾

Jira sucks. It's slow af.

It's the end times: I've received a JIRA ticket asking me to fix something in JIRA

I'm pretty fucking sure that if I were to quit my job, I'd have to gather the fucking requirements, create the fucking user stories, and then JIRA the ever-living fuck out of it before I could submit my fucking resignation.

I just want to write fucking code.

The amount of meetings I wouldn't have if people just used Jira properly

RIP my inbox

JIRA 2017: "Too many emails? Download the JIRA app and get notifications on your phone instead!"

JIRA 2018: "Too many notifications?"

I find that no matter what I do I have roughly 50 issues assigned to me in Jira, so there's no point in working hard to clear em out. I'll never get to zero.

Worst Jira ticket I've ever seen:
Title: "It looks f#?$ed"
Description: ""

This gem was opened by the project producer. When asked about it, it was just a mismatch in text margins.

Today on questions nobody asked

If a tree falls over in the woods..
And important dev work gets done and shipped,
And it's not in JIRA.. did it even really happen..

When every single JIRA ticket is marked "Critical"...

I HATE automated messages on Slack

Remove fucking GitHub updates, Jira updates, all this stupid bullshit that pollutes actual communication between humans in all that fucking shit and makes me miss actual messages because I ignored a channel where that garbage cancer shit was set up on?

What's wrong with going to fucking Jira and GitHub and checking how things are going THERE?

We use jira at my company. It's great for me, because no ticketing system's UI is worth a shit, but jira's API is excellent. But we're switching to a new system that is an absolute piece of garbage. Every page is 100% Javascript, so no source can ever be viewed, and the URL never changes to reflect what's onscreen. If you know a ticket number, no URL will ever get you straight to it. You have to navigate multiple slow-loading 25MB piles of Javascript to reach what you're seeking. And most damning of all: the new system has an API, but our highest management is withholding access to it, claiming it breeds laziness.

Is amazing the kind of shit you have to swallow when your management has regular meetings with really really super extremely good-looking sales people.

I hate Jira.

There I said it.

After 10 years of pain. The sweet delight I got from deleting Jira. Better than squashing any bug.

"What do you do for a living?"

I go to meetings, write Jira tickets, and occasionally I code

No Atlassian, I don't want your mobile app so stop bothering me with your annoying popups.

When there is a hard high priority bug come up and someone on the team assigns it to themselves and writes on JIRA: "I volunteer as tribute".

Useful suggestions from Jira.
I would like to know how the "undefined" button looks like though 😂

Headphones on, noise cancellation enabled, Google play music enabled.

Connect to my remote desktop and open Jira

See ridiculous backlog and get to work

(Panda for views)

Ever had a day that felt like you're shoveling snow from the driveway? In a blizzard? With thunderstorms & falling unicorns? Like you shovel away one m² & turn around and no footprints visible anymore? And snow built up to your neck?

Today my work day was like that.. xcept shit..shit instead of pretty & puffy snow!!

Working on things a & b, trying to not mess either one up, then comes shit x, coworker was updating production.. ofc something went wrong.. again not testing after the update..then me 'to da rescue'.. :/ hardly patch things up, so it works..in a way.. feature c still missing due to needed workarounds.. going back to a and b.. got disrupted by the same coworker who is nver listening, but always asking too much..

And when I think I finally have the b thing figured out a f-ing blocker from one of our biggest clients.. The whole system is unresponsive.. Needles to say, same guy in support for two companies (their end), so they filed the jira blocker with the wrong customer that doesn't have a SLA so no urgent emails..and then the phone calls.. and then the hell broke loose.. checking what is happening.. After frantic calls from our dba to anyone who even knows that our customer exists if they were doing sth on the db.. noup, not a single one was fucking with the prod db.. The hell! Materialised view created 10 mins ago that blocked everything..set to recreate every 10 minutes..with a query that I am guessing couldn't even select all that data in under 15.. dafaaaq?! Then we kill it..and again it is there.. We found out that customers dbas were testing something on live environment, oblivious that they mamaged to block the entire db..
FML, I'm going pokemon hunting.. :/ codename for ingress n beer..

JIRA makes me want to end it all sometimes

the amount of micromanagement enforced in our scrum routine is getting ridiculous... but the PM seems to be happy with this

I had someone reject me the follow me to the parking lot and ask me to teach them Jira in their spare time. 😂😂😂

JIRA.

Plenty of good things happened at work this year. Then we started using jira. That "heavy" bucketfull of shit though.

WHY DON'T PEOPLE PUT FUCKING [FRONTEND] AND [BACKEND] LABELS IN THEIR GODDAMN JIRA CARDS

FUCKING FUCK

There are two jobs I would rather suck dick on the street than do.

Sharepoint developer

JIRA admin

What’s yours?

"How cryptic do you like your JIRA story descriptions?"

Product owner: YES

++ if you have used Jira and liked it / found it valuable.

- - if you used it and didn’t like it.

2 months into my first dev job, everything looks like a Jira ticket now.
Mum: wash the dishes
Me: create a ticket for that... i estimate the story points to be 2

How can I make my manager understand that performance should not be measured by how many tickets we have resolved?

If the ticket is an easy one then sure 1-2 days is enough, but for some complicated shit or dealing with models that I have never touched before, I am gonna need several days just to understand the requirement.

For some fucked up reason, our story point is in hours, instead of days. So when we say 24 hours, then it's only 3 days.

Another fucked up reason is that my colleagues doesn't seem to mind. I am the most vocal one objecting when got assigned too many tickets. They just joke around and seem to accept it.

FYI, I am just 6 months in and bouncing between 3 projects.
Am I just too lazy or slow?
In my previous company, the devs seemed to be pretty chill, and the project manager only complained when an issue has been dragging on for weeks.

people will write an email but wont update JIRA ticket

What's the use of implementing JIRA when you'll still demand sending daily reports with time duration for every task?!

What's the worst part about being a dev?

Jira

Out of issues

When the PM tell the development team they need to start using SalesForce instead of Jira.

Am I the only one the sometimes just makes a PR that won't fix the issue but at least shuts everybody up so I can investigate in peace.

In these GOT times,
managers will suffer,
PRs will not be merged,
Pivotal Tracker/Jira stories will not be attended to.
Stand-up meetings will be ditched.

Winter is here.

I just want to delete a jira…that’s all just delete it..listen you jira fucks ..just let me delete the fucking thing!!!

Just received a Jira request to remove training videos from the business ethics page or our employee intranet because we longer hold the license's.

HaHa

Hey devs, really need some help here. This is driving me crazy...

We're currently taking issues from the company via mail. We've got a group mail that goes to the three of us at the IT department. Problem is, colleagues just forward customers emails without event trying to help, which means that we get stupid issues like "I can't sign in", and no further information. We're currently using Jira, and I was thinking perhaps we can set up a Jira Service Desk? Then we could have an internal help desk where issues could be submitted, and require some important fields, and perhaps add a checklist. Have you had any experience with Service Desk? Do you think it would be a good idea to have a "normal" person have an account there as well to filter out the normal "Have you tried restarting your computer" stuff? Is it suited for non-developers?

Any other ideas?

Yeay, messy question, but I'm fucking desperate...

One of our clients asked us to Integrate their projects with Jira, so I got this funny email from atlassian.

Came into work this morning and my scrum master has decided to take my desk and now I'm working off my laptop screen. I forgot he needed 3 displays for Excel, Outlook and JIRA.

A custom script that makes a Jira ticket, assigns it to me, marks it as in progress, check out a git branch, set the commit title and the Jira title to my command line argument…. Push, open a PR, and fuck it, merge that shit too.

I checked all the corporate boxes and you got the typo fixed.

Since we announced our product yesterday, the bots have started emailing our fuckin support system (which automatically ends up in our Jira Service Desk).

Pound salt you halfwit marketing fucks, you're cluttering our bug reports

All tech department was really happy when we used Github Projects - managing a project was concise and organised. We loved it.
Then one day, product pushed us all to switch to the fuckin' conglomerate mess called Jira (fuck you Atlassian), which we still hate. So cumbersome, so much unimportant crap features, unintuitive interface, slow .... yes, fuck you Jira, again.

I work in a multinational ..time stamps everywhere without fucking Timezones..fucking Jira shit why is there no TZ on this shit…utter cunts who configured it or the software itself

Project name - "JIRA 2.0"
Description - JIRA seems to not be informing people in our company about much of anything right now. Engineers don't know how to find anything. PMs don't know when things are shipping.

Me: JIRA, you had 1 job!

Ignoring JIRA notifications

How to kill Jira Backlog in one simple step:
1) put '-∞' to Storypoints
2) enjoy

(Bottom line: it can be fixed from User Story Map to something normal)

I just found out our junior dev has not been reading any of her e-mails coming from JIRA.

So when her tickets were being pushed back / commented on, she had no idea.

So I forgot to put (m) for minutes in Jira, and made them hours automatically, my boss wants to see me

My manager asks for help because they can't suddenly edit their shortcuts in Jira. I can't fix it, and it turns out that it's a bug in Jira which was there since last November.

Nobody has even been assigned to the issue for nearly half a year according to Atlassian's own issues page.

Why would anyone even bother to use Jira at this point?

I administer Atlassian stack instance (among zillion other things, of course). Once I've got an issue about login problem:
"I can login to Confluence, but not to Jira, could you help me?"

Looking into projects configuration, into user's permission groups in Crowd (both apps are connected, it will be important in a moment)... Everything looks good. Wtf?

Suddenly, I've got this idea:
"What username do you use in Jira?"
"My username."
"What about Confluence login?"
"My email."

Realization in 3... 2... 1...

Wait for it...

Just a little more tension...

"Nevermind, thank you!"

Remember, guys, always give them a chance. Plan for the worst, but hope for the best. And I wish you all only such issues! :-D

Just JIRA things:

We've got a very descriptive ticket with the title: "API Interface"

Can't wait for the rest of this Friday to play out, I'm already joyful and in the holiday spirit.

Confluence WYSIWYG editor for tables on wiki pages. Forget about git and GitHub idiosyncrasies, "at the end of the day" project documentation in Confluence and Jira is the real challenge.

If you're filling a ticket on a team, make sure it includes EVERYTHING that is needed to complete the ticket so anyone on your team can complete it, not just the people with institutional knowledge.

Google, why the fuck would I have ant to see my Jira board as a panorama?!

I may have watched too much Westworld; I'm naming JIRA tickets with "Analysis - what caused the failure..."

Jira is just like a Dead ass Bitch

Fuck we have too many issues in done

Another day, another 3rd party module added to jira for management to count beans with.

Reminder, include legal language in next project that says if we're using JIRA then we're using JIRA and not a thousand emails with requirements embedded in spreadsheets and PowerPoints.

Having 36 jira ticket open and people continue to contact you on micro$oft teams =_=

I LIVE TO SERVE JIRA, GODDESS OF TASKAS!

Dev: *completes tasks, pushes to UAT and assigns to PM in Jira for testing*

PM: *receives notifications and immediately bulk change on all taks and assigns to client without testing*

So what is it you do here...?

Go assign a super simple ticket to your "product owner" or "manager" or whoever the hell claims they "work so hard" and "have the vision" or whatever blah blah blah when in reality YOU'RE the one working 12 hour days, completing the features used by THOUSANDS.

Just try it. They'll never complete it. I guarantee it. Here I am looking at one that is three weeks old asking to update the f&*(@#$ credit card credentials for a simple log service to be reactivated.

So sick of this backward world where us devs never get any credit.

Who wants to start a software union with me?

Half of the day is spent on meetings, and the other half is spent hearing others saying, oohh but do we have a ticket for this task? Should we create a ticket for it??

Whem you'd rather create a completely different system from scratch for work than fix that one JIRA ticket 😐

We're living in a world where 200 ko of RAM to send people to the moon, but 4 go isn't enough to make Jira fluid, while it's a fucking website.

I hate it when managers and team members don't utilise JIRA as the one source of truth.

When you move your card into the Review column, set the assignee to `unassigned` so that people know to pick it up. It's so much easier to understand the state of it !

"But then we don't know who's worked on it" - is NOT a valid reason to leave the original author as the assignee. It just leads to work not being reviewed.

A tale of silos, pivots, and mismanagement.

Background: Our consultancy has been working with this client for over a year now. It started with some of our back-end devs working on the API.

We are in Canada. The client is located in the US. There are two other teams in Canada. The client has an overseas company contracted to do the front-end of the app. And at the time we started, there was a 'UX consultancy' also in the US.

I joined the project several months in to replace the then-defunct UX company. I was the only UX consultant on the project at that time. I was also to build out a functional front-end 'prototype' (Vue/Scss) ahead of the other teams so that we could begin tying the fractured arms of the product together.

At this point there was a partial spec for the back-end, a somewhat architected API, a loose idea of a basic front-end, and a smattering of ideas, concepts, sketches, and horrific wireframes scattered about various places online.

At this point we had:
One back-end
One front-end
One functional prototype
One back-end Jira board
One front-end Jira board
No task-management for UX

You might get where this is going...

None of the teams had shared meetings. None of the team leads spoke to each other. Each team had their own terms, their own trajectory, and their own goals.

Just as our team started pushing for more alignment, and we began having shared meetings, the client decided to pivot the product in another direction.

Now we had:
One back-end
One original front-end
One first-pivot front-end
Two functional prototypes
One front-end Jira board
One back-end Jira board

No worries. We're professionals. We do this all the time. We rolled with it and we shifted focus to a new direction, with the same goals in mind internally to keep things aligned and moving along.

Slowly, the client hired managers to start leading everything in the same direction. Things started to look up. The back-end team and the product and UX teams started aligning goals and working toward the same objectives.

Then the client shifted directions again. This time bigger. More 'verticals'. I was to leave the previous 'prototypes' behind, and feature-freeze them to work on the new direction.

One back-end
One conceptual 'new' back-end
One original front-end
One first-pivot front-end
One 'all verticals' front-end
One functional prototype
One back-end Jira board
One front-end Jira board
One product Jira board
One UX Jira board

Meanwhile, the back-end team, the front-end team overseas, all kept moving in the previously agreed-upon direction.

At this stage, probably 6 months in, the 'prototypes' were much less proper 'prototypes' but actually just full apps (with a stubbed back-end since I was never given permission or support to access the actual back-end).

The state of things today:
Back to one back-end
One original front-end
One first-pivot front-end
One 'all verticals' front-end
One 'working' front-end
One 'QA' front-end
One 'demo' front-end
One functional prototype
One back-end Jira board
Two front-end Jira boards
One current product Jira board
One future product Jira board
One current UX Jira board
One future UX Jira board
One QA Jira board

I report to approximately 4 people remotely (depending on the task or the week).

There are three representatives from 'product' who dictate features and priorities (they often do not align).

I still maintain the 'prototype' to this day. The front-end team does not have access to the code of this 'prototype' (the clients' request). The client's QA team does not test against the 'prototype'.

The demos of the front-end version of the product include peanut-gallery design-by-committee 'bug call-outs', feature requests, and scope creep by attendees in the dozens from all manner of teams and directors.

I love it when people add issues in Jira with the title "Backend" and no description...

Logging work in Jira, because it goes against the whole ethos of trusting people to get the work done when they have to log exactly how much time they spent on each individual story. It also doesnt account for pair programming. so 2 people log the same time and it looks like the story took twice as long. I’ll stop now because I’m precariously close to opening the “time based estimates” can of worms and thats for another rant.

to everyone who complains about poor methodoly usage:

I had a solo ptoject. I was told to do scrum. I had dailies.. with my PM. we were moving JIRA tickets around.

When you open JIRA after a while and see all your issues have been resolved!

Fuck you Jira, for your shitty implementation of the board, which causes written comments in tickets to simply disappear.
You clicked on another comment during edit? Say goodbye to what you have just written!
You clicked on the send button to send your comment? Well, many things can happen with our overcomplicated pile of shit that we call Jira. So, your comment might get lost. Fuck you. We are complicated. This shit can happen. Deal with it.

I just moved my personal projects over to Jira... since I'm my own PM.. does that mean I hate myself?

Jira: code formatting vs SQL. AYFKM?

Tutorial: How to get rid of your dev?

1. Find a very old (2+ years) jira task that took a lot of sleepless nights to get resolved.
2. Make sure that your dev is still on the watchers list.
3. Reopen to 'change some labels'.
4. Forget to close the task again.
5. Remove the body. Heart attack will get classified as a natural cause.
6. Close the task.

We've been using JIRA for over half a year now, and my colleagues still can't use it properly.

I've never had the problem, but to some amazing technological feat, every time they create a ticket, it "disappears", so they make a NEW ticket with just the title references to the actual one.

Love my daily review of JIRA, it's like a fucking raiders of the lost ark scene.

"ooooo what does this one mean, perhaps there is a clue if i shine a light on it just right"

jesus christ incompetence is rampant

Why JIRA, why? Do you have to be so mean?

When you come back from work after filling up jira, talking with colleagues during too long stand ups and writing documentation it's time to finally sit down and write some pure code.

I hate meetings that could have been just checking the Jira to see what everyone is working on... Getting 5 people together to individually mention what they're working on... So inefficient

My boss just set up JIRA for our project.

JIRA life:

Project leader proceeds to put what is actually two separate issues in the title. I'm already raging. I go to take a look at it.

I read the description - ANOTHER (this makes it three now) totally seperate issue in there.

Just fuck you I'm so sick it i see it over and over again no matter where I go or what project I work on its all the same bullshit.

"wE wAnT tO cLeARlY dEfINe iSsUeS aNd MoVe RaPiDlY"

YEAH THEN F&Q*@#()#$(@)#$ DO YOUR F$*(@#(*&$ JOB!!!! I'M DOING MINE, IN ADDITION TO DOING YOURS, CLEANING UP YOUR ABSOLUTE MESS THAT YOU LEFT!!!!

Does anyone genuinely have manager(s) who give a shit about your career and growth and not simply the status of your JIRA ? :)
Would love to hear your thoughts :)

I want to sleep. But I better close this Jira issuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu zzzzzzzzzzz

Product manager keeps fucking with my Jira board, changing names of tickets that he's not even the reporter of and none of his names make any sense. I keep thinking my tickets have disappeared. He doesn't understand how Jira works and confuses the shit out of me.

Why are we even using JIRA?

It's clear from the behavior of the rest of my team that nobody ever has it open, looks at it, or thinks about any tasks that would improve the product other than sputtering out the occasional "mArKeTiNg HyPe" with incomplete horrible tickets that are at best barely decipherable.

Honestly, we can save the $50 a month and I'll just use my own personal trello board, the outcome would be the same.

I mean my life is a joke: we had to have a near hour-long google hangouts for literally dragging and dropping the 'demo/review' tickets to 'done' because my colleagues are so incompetent they can't read the tickets and realize which tickets HAVE LITERALLY ALREADY BEEN SHIPPED TO PRODUCTION WEEKS AGO.

when you work for Jira and get assigned in Jira’s Jira to write code in Jira Query Language to query Jira’s Jira so other Jira users can query their Jira better

Sometimes I start to wonder, if people even read what I answer them in tickets... Why bother when you can just be above that all and just repeat your previous points?
When working somewhere, with destinct departments, its understandable that you send them a ticket, they evaluate that and you can figure something out together. The issue arrises, when the other person across the ticket does not seem to wanna acknowledge the information you provide.
I want a simple automation in Jira with webhooks, why is it so hard to read the docs I send and acknowledge it. It seems like they try to ignore what I am saying and just keep their once formed opinion.
It just makes me mad, when they don't even wanna talk about it in person/via a Meeting

Rant one of monday!!

Monday stand up meeting....

Reviewing jira tasks
Front end:" well, I dont think that is a priority but IM NOT TEST DRIVEN DEVELOPER SO...."

Jira task? Local env for testing in minikubes.

Ahhh the cool startup isssss sooooo cool he takes decisions about that, model the app or even estimates the deadlines of the product (the product not jira tickets)

Isnt it cool? Why not give that power to juniors? Why not tell them they dont need to learn and junior is just something they label to pay cheap for them?

The Coding Apocalypse: A Dev's Rant

June 14, 2024

Okay, gather ’round, fellow code warriors, because it’s time for a good ol' developer rant. If you're reading this, chances are you’ve already faced the dragon that is modern software development, and you’re somehow still using "Agile" as a life preserver while the ship is sinking. So let's dive into the chaos that our world has become.

Here’s the thing: We’re living in a paradox where every other day there's a shiny new framework promising to be the “ultimate solution” while ignoring that it's just recoil from the last big mess. I mean, can we talk about JavaScript for a second? I’m pretty sure if you stand still long enough, a new JavaScript framework will spontaneously generate from the void. Do we really need another one?

And don’t get me started on Sprint Planning. It’s like playing Tetris with stones while blindfolded, hoping that all the blocks land perfectly. Spoiler: They don’t. The product manager’s eyes glaze over as they nod approvingly to your estimates, secretly extending deadlines in their minds. The 'flexible' deadlines then become rigid, unattainable goals, and who gets the heat? The devs, of course.

Also, can we address the insanity of microservices? Sure, splitting a monolith into microservices sounds fun—until you’re drowning in API calls and Docker containers. Debugging a distributed system is like trying to untangle a pair of headphones made of spaghetti.

Oh, and if one more person asks if we’re "leveraging AI" and "blockchain technology" for our simple CRUD app, I might lose it. Sometimes, folks, the wheel doesn’t need reinventing. It just needs a little grease.

Finally, remote work. Blessing and curse. Sure, I enjoy the freedom of working in my PJs, but the endless Zoom calls are killing my soul. Breakout rooms? More like breakdown rooms. The Slack notifications? Let’s just say my sound settings have a hair trigger on mute these days.

So here’s to us, the devs. The ones who stare into the abyss of JIRA tickets and laugh in the face of mounting tech debt. May your coffee be strong, your code refactored, and your deployments ever in your favor.

End rant. Back to the trenches. 🚀💻

Applied to an AI startup, offering 100 bucks if I pass their coding challenge…hopefully just an algo question and not a damn jira ticket

Can't wait to get back to work tomorrow, long weekend of family has got me antsy for a jira ticket

when you spend more time in JIRA explaining the client that their bug is not a bug but misconfiguration on their side than actual programming. :-/

error between chair and keyboard.

when you work on a bug about fixing mistakes made on a story completed by somebody else

you then get approached with having to do petty unrelated UX stuff in the neighbouring area and the administrative nonsense with it

fuck u jira

So after multiple hours of wrestling with Jira I finally managed to autofill fields in the service desk. How? By installing a plugin to show message boxes and injecting JavaScript through it, what else?

Fucking wonderful piece of crap :)

Next up: automatically capture errors triggered by employees with Sentry and raise Jira requests. "A button didn't work" isn't enough god damn it.

Nothing like a new year to rekindle that old pile of backlog issues from 2016.

Jira workflow requires dept manager to approve and assign new issues to developers. He does this once a week. 😑

Dev management high muckety muck: "Even though I never speak to or communicate with any of you personally, my Jira charts indicate that you are sub optimal." Absentee managers can't help but be dickheads.

PM joins standup call, shares screen and opens Jira.

No... oh no... no mate no....

Out company standard tools, which we are all supposed to use... (JIRA, confluence) .... IT had blacklisted docs.atlassian.....

JIRA queue just dropped into the single digits for the first time in weeks. It's getting me right in the feels.

Our team uses story format titles for JIRAS like As a ..., I want...

But in our git repo, a lot of people create branches using the same name:

{JIRA-ID}-as-a-...

And I'm always like why the fuck can't you take 5s to name your branches more descriptively? I usually name mines using some keywords from the Jira Title

But wondering now what do you all think/do?

returning from 2 weeks of PTO, the haiku

what was I doing?
*Looks through tickets in jira*
gives up. plays halo.

It's kinda inpressive to me how everything comes to a standstill, as soon as Jira goes offline, because it's been overwhelmed by stuff going on.

Me and another colleague are waiting for it to get back online, so we can annoy the devs with defect reports again.

Which inturn were due a while ago, but the deployment for testing them wasn't done the whole time, so it was not possible to test anyways. And ontop all of that most of the tests failed, so there are a ton of defects.

Fixing them and bringing the tests on PASS has to happen until tomorrow, because that's the deadline for the release cycle.
Ah and it's roughly 45 tickets.
The next release cycle is like in two Months

You know... the usual stuff 😂😂

Is it just me or Jira has been getting so much worse over time, that I now don't even want to touch it?

for my job I need to know,

Programming, C#, Optimization, Multithreading and Async code, Working certain tools, Reading difficult written code, Understanding, Physics, Networking, Rendering, Codeloops, Memory management, Profiling tools, Being able to make Jira tickets and read Jira tickets. Understanding source control branching, merging, push and pull. bug fixing.

And I write almost 1 line of code a week on average..

I'm a programmer.

Happy Monday Ya'll, may your code be bug-less and JIRA unfilled.

(I know none of this will happen but damn it dream will you)

We often give access to a product owner from the customer on our Jira to keep up a good communication and everyone stays up to date as everything is on the board and not hidden in emails or paper notes on the desk of the guy that is on vacation.

So far, so good

Our customers really like this as they can comment on tickets and they are integrated in the workflow because they can push into the backlog and can review finished tasks.

It is just getting better for everyone so where is the rant?

One project is just a dump of shitty mixed content tickets. But how? They look really neat. There are tickets like "fixes from meeting 20th of may" which are initially well structured with approximately 4 subtle changes to the UI and some explanation and screenshots.

PM says: Good ticket. There you go ticket, into the customer review loop of doom.

20 comments and 13 status changes later. Point 43 from comment 17 is referenced in comment 20 to keep on hold as a third party needs to give feedback, point 7 is still not solved correctly as dev 2 was not aware that it was already discussed and changed in the ticket "Call from 25th of may" where in addition the resolution of points 5-12 were requested with an additional excel file to import.

By now we have the 8th of august and literally 17 of these kind of tickets.

I guess we need to improve the workflow and request a new product owner. But this far I just table flip everytime I get one of these tickets assigned.

My manager always tell that we're less process oriented and self sufficient.

Later on, I understand what that means
- Poorly written JIRA tickets
- JIRA tickets with only title, rest for you to fill
- Two teams did same task, client side team pushing their change directly on master, while mine still waiting on code review will eventually get rejected
- Client writing raw SQL in ORM framework instead of using any single feature of ORM.

Does anyone else's manager measure their performance based on jira ticket count or merges to master? It feels like a new lines-of-code measure to me...

Jira for one of my personal projects has an epic called "progress repo". No description. No child tasks. It seems vaguely famiar, but I've got no idea what I was talking about 4 weeks ago...

Open a older case in #JIRA and either I'm in past or this thing is messing with me today Jan 30, 2018

if jira exists and client sends requirements via mail

I FUCKING HATE JIRA because it doesn't have markdown by default.
What a fuckign pile of dog shit

Each day, I read the vast swath of ticket hell hole that is our JIRA.

I read tickets that are written by people with not just 0, but an undefined understanding of technology...

I read tickets that are technically impossible due to this 0 understanding...

And finally, I laugh in bitterness seeing the time estimates stack up to months and months worth of work for which the managers expect to be done in 2-3 weeks 😂

You know how people are making fun of duo lingo birb getting’ all in your business about learning new language & not missing out on your daily exercises?

Well, our jira just upped the ante.. Boss asks why task xy is assigned to him.. um dunno?! I go check activity, as I don't even remember doing anything with that task recently..

All the dates, 'just now' remarks etc. on activity tab are in Russian.. WTF jira?!
ты пытаешься мне что-то сказать?

JIRA want captcha from me.
Captcha service returns 500 error.

Spent an entire day clearing the backlog of the previous sprints in JIRA. Now i am seeing jira numbers everywhere :/

over 300 issues in jira... plz kill me

I wonder...

On a global scale, how much of Google's storage space is being consumed by unread JIRA emails.

So we're using Jira Wiki for all the documentation related work. It's hell rich with features as they describe. But for me easiest way is to write doc on markdown and then copy paste on Wiki. Highlights code, format tables and aligns paras perfectly.

ClickUp is worse than Jira 🤷🏻‍♂️
Change my mind.