Conversation with my Boss

B: Are u a hacker?
M: No
B: We need a hacker?
M: Why?
B: Because X department wants to do a hackathon.

git commit -m "fixed issue with fan"

How to calculate walking distance

Km/m/inch ❌
3 songs ✔️

Substitute Teacher who apparently majors in Java sees my copy.
T - Your programs are incomplete
M - You mean ?
T - Where are the braces ?
M - Its Python
T - It works ?
M - Yes
T - It works on linux ?
M - Yes -_-

Me: good day, how can I help you?
Client: *explains issue*
Me: alright, let's take a loo.... *AACHOOOO*
.
.
M: my apologies sir, that came out of nowhe... *ACHOOO*
M: do you have a second sir? My apologies!
C: sure man take your time 😁

*30 seconds later, nose seems to have calmed down*

M: back I am, apologies for the inconvenience!
C: no problem, it happens!
M: where was I?.... Right, I was going t...
*ACHOOOOOOOOOOO*
*ACHOOOOOOO*
AH... AH... AAAAH..... ACHOOOOO*
M: I'm very sorry, I'm going to put you through to a collegue!
*puts through to collegue*
*goes to bathroom*
.
.
*returns to desk*

*tringgggg*
Me: good afternoon sir, how may I hel... *A-MOTHERFUCKING-CHOOOOO* (thinking: oh for fucking fucks sake)
C: bless you!
M: thank you! Apologies, I seem to be having a snee.. *CHOOOOOOOO*
.
.
.
*sniffs a few times*
- zing attack.

*collegue yells at me to transfer my call*
*transfers call*

Me: thanks man, idk what's wrong with me hahah... *ACHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*

OH FUCKING HELL 😠

So... A random morning moment:
(c - Cient, m - me)

C: Help!!! Our users are complaining that our website is not working as intended!!! This is crucial!!!!
M: What's the problem? What is not working?
C: EVERYTHING!!!! FIX IT!!!!
M: Could you be more specific...?
C: Look at the bugsnag - it has all the errrors!!!
M: *looks there - no errors* - But... It has no errors...
C: Okay, so client told me he's using Galaxy SII - does that ring a bell?
M: *thinks that I'm fucked* - Asks, which browser?
C: Why do you need it? It's a browser after all...
M: Yeah but not all browsers are the same and I need type and version to investigate...
C: It's Samsung default browser... Last updated 2012 January.
M: Well, tell that user to update the browser, the site is working fine on newer versions...
C: No, you update it.
M: Browser?!
C: Yes, what else?!
M: Of course, I'll fly 3000 kilometres to press UPDATE button on clients phone...
C: Well, he's not doing it himself - he's afraid!
M: Well, that is his problem. Site is working fine for other users with newer browsers.
C: But... He's a client
M: I get it but he's a client that uses 6 years old browser and tries to visit our website. Don't you remember that we ditched IE support on your behalf for the same reason?!
C: Oh... I see... Can you make something that it works with 2005 browsers?
M: Of course... *evil laugh starts* I'll make the website work on EVERY single device EVER - make it plain text.
C: Are you joking?
M: Are you?

----

And since then, we ditched the actual need for supporting users with old browsers that don't update to modern standards... Feels great!

Client : Can you make some adblock?
Me : Why? There is a lot of good things already...
C : I mean... Listen carefully.
M : ok
C: i have some google ads and user blocks with adblock
M : yeah, that is normal
C : so i implemented adblock blocker which blocks adblock so that i can show the webpage plus ads when the user disables adblock.
M : i bet users hate that.
C : yeah, so users found out a way to disable adblock blocker which disables adblock blocker which i implemented to show the ads! So i cant earn revenue..
M : so what?
C : Can you make ad block block block block?
M : Sure. How much will you give me ?
C : 20 to 30 dollars
M : great ( the most generous client ever seen)

*couple of years later*

Client : can you make ad block block block block block block block block block block?
Me : i cant understand
C : count the number of block
If there is odd number of block i means to block ads.
If there is even number of block ads, it means to show ads making user to disable ads.
M : so just tldr your request this time
C : even number
M : ok how much will you pay
C : 20 to 30 dollars

*next day*
C : can you..
M : offline

Who in the fucking world made ads, made adblock and made adblock block?

My brother logging in to my facebook to post "i m gayy".

Things were simpler back then.

Git add .
Git commit -m 'stuff'
Git push
Error: merge conflict in 594 files

Git commit suicide

! Rant
Got promoted today
Fuck yeah \m/

Me: good morning, what can I help you with?
Client: I THINK REMOVED SOMETHING AND NOW ALL MY EMAIL IS GONE. HELP.
M: okay sir, do you have the domain for m....
C: HEY WAIT IT'S BACK NEVER MIND THANKS BYE
M: Oh tha....
*click*

😆

I delivered a small C# program long time ago.
Unit tests, integrations tests, functional tests, all passing (users even happy).

Colleague of mine approached me.

C: "I finally fixed the program"
M: "Which program?"
C: "Product X"
M: "What was wrong with it?"
C: "Nothing, but now it runs on Python"
M: "..."
C: "Yeah, we lost a few features, but it's Python!"
M: "Aren't you busy with other things?"
C: "That can wait"
M: "..."
M: "..."

A: "You write code? Can you fix my computer?"
M: "No, that's not how it works, bud"
A: "Why? It's both computer stuff."
M: *points to the greasy tire shop* "Let's go get your car painted there*
A: "Hell no"
M: "Why? It's both car stuff."

😂

A true story... sad but true
2.00AM ->> git commit -m "it's time to sleep"

2.45AM ->> git commit -m "I can't sleep, fixed the UI issue"

Me(m) vs Apple(a)

m - hey apple!
a -
m - apple?
a - oh yeah, who are u?
m - umm, titan?
a - titan who?
m - titanlan- .. umm nevermind . hi , i am a developer :D
a - developer ? hah.. get out.
m - but wait, I want to develop apps for you! I have been developing android apps for last one year and i love mobile dev! wanna talk more on this ?
a - umm.. ugh ok. so you wanna develop apps?
m- yes!, i am doing great at java an-..
a- yeah wait. we don't have that in here. we use swift
m -Oh. no worries , the principles are the same i will watch some free youtube vids and have a plugin for studio or vsco-..
a- yeah wait you can't do that too.we don't have plugins
m - Really, no plugin? then where do people develop ios apps?
a- xcode
m - Oh , how stupid of me , an IDE of course. anyways i can simply install it in my windows or linux an-..
a - nope, you can't do that.
m - what? then where does it run?
a -macOS
m -Oh, then surely you might have some distro or-
a - nope, buy a mac. pass $3000
m- wha-? i just want to run your bloody IDE!
a- oh honey, your $3000 will be totally worth it, you will love it!
m- but i haven't even started making an app, leave alone publishing it.
a- oh, that will cost you another $100 . plus if you wanna test your apps, make sure it runs in our latest , fragile iphones otherwise we won't publish it. that will cost another $1500
m- what? but I already have a fine , high tech laptop and a smartphone!

a- yeah you can dump that

FML. how the fuck is apple living and thriving? lots of selfish motives and greeds i guess? because i don't see a single place where they are using the word "free" or "cheap" .

Here's a recent interview I had for an Android Developer job:
I: Interviewer, M: Me

I: hello, welcome
M: hi, thanks

I: do you know Kotlin?
M: yes, I've been working with it for 1.5 years and have written 3 projects in it

I: do you know RxJava, Dagger, Retrofit, and how to make Custom Views?
M: yes, I'm comfortable with them *explains*

I: do you know Room?
M: yes I do, I've done a lot of practices in it, but unfortunately have never needed to use it in production

I: what architecture do you use? Do you know MVP?
M: I'm currently using MVVM, but not MVP. I've debugged projects in it so I know what's going on in it

I: ok, do you have any questions for us?
M: how did I do?

I: I'm sorry sir, but you're not even a junior here
M: what? Why is that?

I: well you don't know Room and MVP?
M: I said I know them, just haven't used them in production.

I: well you have 3 years of experience but you dont even know Kotlin!
M: Kotlin was your first question and I said I have 3 projects in it. Did you even check the samples you asked for in the job posting?

I: SIR YOU'RE NOT A GOOD FIT FOR US, THANK YOU FOR COMING.

:/

!rant #happynews

It's a boy :D

1/7/17 - d/m/yy

Fancy dates 😎

git commit -m "adding summer 2009 photos"

git add -A
git commit -m "fixed tupo"
git push

🤓

I saw this little gem in file explorer. I think M$ needs to update what is considered gigantic!

wtf
i m done with android studio

So i sent my bill to the client yesterday and:

C: the amount is too high i can’t pay this
M: but you validate the number of working days
C: but the amount is huge ... nevermind i’ll pay you because you are good guy
M: ...

I am so metal! \m/

Is Microsoft going to ruin GitHub? NO!

Are we going to get amazing git integration in VSCode? ABSOLUTELY!

They're a 600 billion dollar company and they're one of the leading contributors to open source. They know the community they are handling and how fragile it is. This is just a developer trust move from them.

Stop pretending this is the end of GitHub, cause it isn't.

D E F R A G M E N T I O N

git commit -m "fixed issue with fan"

!rant
So it turns out that my dad accidentally took my spare laptop on a work trip. He's about as non-tech as you can get, and that laptop runs...Arch Linux. Yeah.

(call from dad)
M: hi dad
D: what's your desktop password?
M: (confused) {Password}
D: okay.
(cuts the call)

M: *shrug*

(call from dad)
M: hi dad
D: so where is PowerPoint?! where's the Windows button?! I've been at this for half an hour now and I have to edit a presentation for tomorrow!!
M: (realizes what's happened) oh...uh...dad...that's.. Linux...
D: don't you people do anything the way it's supposed to be done?
M: uh...
D: ugh! So you can't edit PPTs on this?
M: (processing...LibreOffice isn't installed on the laptop, and he will have to use the command line to connect to the internet to use Office Online or Google Slides since the Deepin WiFi module keeps fucking up for some reason)
D: well?
M: (internal sigh) No, you can't edit PPTs on that.
D: wow.
(cuts the call)

He either thinks we're all useless or that we have godlike computer skills to be able to edit PPTs on Linux. Oh well.

(He managed to use the hotel's "workstation" to get it done, so all is well. I should tell him to change his password though, hotel computers have rubbish security.)

School principal : P / Me : M / Interviewer over Skype : S

P. I recently heard you run a software club in our school.
M. Yes. (started from March)
P. Well, one software community seems that he found you somewhere, and asked me if we can do a quick interview.
M. Sure. What is it?
P. So he will connect to skype.
M. Let's start then...

*A few moments later...*
M. Wwwwhhhhaaaaattttttt?
P. Calm down! What's the problem?
M. How can I have more than 5 years of android development?
S. Ok. Recorded. Next question.
M. (uhhh)
*A few moments later...*
M. What? Why in the heck do I use subversion?........
Yes... Ah... Ummm....
No! Why should i make a gui client for subversion?
*A few moments later...*
S. Do you have hacking experience?
M. Of what? I know hacking is illegal here..
S. Like... Anything!
M. Do YOU have an experience?
S. Yup.
M. What?
S. Google.
M. How?
S. (silence) Ok. Let's move on.
M. (wtf is this guy)
*A few moments later...*
S. Okay. We were about to hire you but you didnt met our job requirements.
M. ......What? What was the job?
S. Web developer Intern
M. I got no questions regarding "web".
S. I know devs should be great at all things.
M. Shut the hell up. What company are you?
S. (says something)
M. (Searches in google) Doesnt come in search results.
S. Where did you searched it? (trembling voice)
M. (Searches in naver, search engine of korea) Nothing. Are you sure you are a company?
S. (ends call)

Hate these fake interviews. And i have no idea how they found my school
I never wrote my school anywhere.

My thoughts when my uncle was introducing me to one of his friends.
(M = me, U = uncle, F = Uncle's friend)

U : Meet M, he is a software developer, he works at * blah *.

M (Internally): That is a very reasonable introduction.

U : * Continues speaking. *

M (Internally): No, staph! It was good enough. Don't go any further.

U : He does * blah blah *

M (Internally): That's not even remotely related to what I do.

U : If you have any tech related problems, he is your guy.

M (Internally): You should have kept shut.

U : If your phone slows down, he can fix it.

M (Internally): Why would you even say that !?

U : He can fix all you printer issues.

M (Internally): Excuse me. What. The. Fuck!?

U : You should definitely consult him before purchasing any tech.

M (Internally): That's it. I give up. There is no hope left.

F : * Gestures U to clam down. *
F : * Nods at M in a very assuring manner. As if he were saying, 'chill bro! Its all cool, I understand.' *

M (Internally): Hold on. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe there is some hope left.

F : So, tell me, how good are you with excel formulas?

M (Internally): * Dies *

git commit -m "some changes nothing big..."

Git commit -m "nothing to say"

M instead of K wasted my whole day. So much furious 😡

B a l l m e r P e a k

D A Y U M N 🔥

M: Me
FAC : Fucking annoying colleague
1.
FAC: Hey how did you set up your microservices?
M: I used docke...
FAC: But docker is hard to setup, i want an easier option
2.
FAC: Which services do you have?
M: I have one service for the api, one with redi..
FAC: Redis is not a service
3.
FAC: Do you use AWS API gateway?
M: No, in set up my ow..
FAC: why would you set up your own? I just use the one from AWS.
4.
FAC: How many instances are you have running
M: I have 5 replic...
FAC: 5 replicas? That's why i hate microservices,they are costly
5.
FAC: How did you divide up your app?
M: Since I am starting, its better to run the monolithic and then break it up lat...
FAC: I knew it,you don't actually use microservices
6.
M:(thinking)* Fucker, if you know it well why are you fucking disturbing me?? *

Tip: pretty print json file using:

cat file.json | python -m json.tool

git status
git add .
git commit -m "Minor changes.."
git push
...
git status
*closes terminal*
...
"Fuck that char in that variable name isn't meant to be a capital!"
*makes change*
git status
git add .
git commit -m "Minor changes.."
git push
...
git status
*closes terminal*

git commit -m 'fix typeo'

😶 I M IN

Once made a commit with a fullstop as the commit message

git commit - m '.'

Slowbro: Do you have time tonight?
Me: No sorry, I can't stay late tonight, I have a thing with my wife.
S: Oh yeah, I'm not staying late either.
M: Oh, so what do you want?
S: Can you help me install linux?
M: Uh no, I can't stay late -
S: No, no you don't have to stay, you can do it from home.
M: What? No I don't have time tonight. Wait you want me to take your computer home?
S: No, no I need to use my computer tonight.
M: So... What do you want me to do?
S: You can do it on your computer.
M: You want me to install an OS on your computer, but on my computer??
S: No, no *sigh* just try it on your computer so we know it will work on my computer. It is a proof of principle.
M: Reinstall my OS?
S: As a proof of principle. So tomorrow when we do it on my computer, we need not waste any time.
M: ... No I'm not going to reinstall my OS just as a test for you.
S: Not a test, a proof of principle.
M: What are you.. I'm sorry, I don't have time for this tonight.
S: Just a proof of principle!!
M: Ok see you.

f w v f
m D w w?

git commit -m "bug fix"

git commit -m "did a bunch of stuff"

Changed width:600px to width:500px

git commit - m "optimized responsivity for enhanced mobile experience"

git commit -m "Fixes"

Fuck XML. Fuck it right up it's X with it's M, all the way to L.

*gets called by recruiter*

R: “We have a job in IT for you at one of our biggest clients”
M: “Okay, what exactly would I be doing?”
R: “Uh I don’t know, we haven’t received an actual job description”
M: “.... seriously?”

This is not just an obligatory 'stickers have arrived' post...

...this is a farm assured, oak smoked, northern tale of sticker arrival, infused with succulent, Instagram filtered, bengal pet photo...

This is not just any rant... this is an M&S devRant.

git commit -m "Batman! (this commit has no parents)"

I'll show myself out.

Person: You're good with computers right?
Me: Yes.
P: My computer won't boot after I unplugged it while trying to move it, how do I fix it?
M: I don't know
P: I thought you were good with computers
M: I am. Can't troubleshoot a computer with that little of info.
P: If I bring it to you will you fix it for me?
M: No.
P: What if burritos are involved?
M: I would consider it

This. This is how conversations should go when somebody asks us to fix their computer.

git commit -m "quickfix"

This community is AMAZING \m/

Friend = F
Me = M

F: We should combine everything that's awesome with stackoverflow and slack together.
M: that sounds like a really bad idea.
F: We can call it SLACKOVERFLOW ~laughs maniacally~
M: I think you've drank too much tonight dude...

Got this old girl from a reseller on Ebay. I wanted to know if they were worth the hype.

It was made in Aug `89, my birthday. It's almost 30 years old and will likely outlive me.

DevRant Shop:
XS: available
S: Sold out
M: Sold out
XL: available
2xXL: Sold out

guy add proposal.txt;
git commit -m "Wish me luck";
git push

git commit -m 'fixed the issue with my light switch'

Small Me(m): learning some basic code
Senior Dev(d): *walks by and sees my code*
m: hey got any advice on this?
d: learn to use regular expression. *walks away*
m: 30min later... *Mind blown*

And coffee of course ☕

THE 1986 IBM MODEL M HAS ARRIVED!

M - "Hey... 👀 where's the boss?"
P - "He's gone to get lunch 🍱"
M - "😮 WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A DEPLOYMENT!"

🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃

My Friends say i´m no dev...
Why???? :(
I love do Sports,
I have free time,
I´m eating healthy,
I don't like coffee....

Typical TSA (Airport Security)

Security: Please put all of your handheld objects and your outer clothes in this basket.
Me: (puts my bag, in flight luggage, and takes out laptop, bluetooth speaker, bluetooth mouse, bluetooth keyboard, tablet, android phone, dongle bag, and windows phone)
S: (stares at me as if I am a rich kid)
M: May I go through?
S: (nods)
M: (smirks, and goes through metal detector)
BeepBeepBeep!
M: (oh shit.)
Scanning Officer: Raise your hand!
M: Mmmhmm
S: (Hovers the detection stick around my body, but it doesn't ring, tells me to pass through the detector again. Still rings. Super confused. Asks me to do this 2-3 times more. Still same.)
M: Aha! I have my bluetooth earphones here! Sorry!
S: (stares at me, as if he is saying what a f****** weirdo)
My stuff comes out. I put my devices in the bag. The scanning officer stares at me.
M: (smirks)

To be continued....

I just saw

`git add . --all&&git commit -m update&&git push`

as a npm script hook m) I don't even care, just surprised it wasn't named yolo.

git commit -m "Increased technical debt"

If Trump was a dev:
git commit -m "Make tests green again"

C: hey mate, what's the best tool to open up this 31.1M rows x 106 cols CSV file?

M: Umh...Pandas DataFrame or R DataTable I guess?

C: all right, Excell will do, thanks!

M: erhm...yeah, anytime?

My wife brought an old and filthy keyboard from her workplace.

git commit -m "last"
git commit -m "last1"
git commit -m "real last"
git commit -m "real last 1"
git commit -m "real real last"

git commit -a -m 'added new files'
git status

-.-

git add .
git commit -a -m 'added new files'

When you fall in love with a collaborator:

git commit -m "May I have your number?"

It's json!!!! Not Jason.... m*th**Fu*k**

git add .
git commit -m "all the changes I did in 20 years"

That's how I roll

I have those conversations with my coworkers about once a day. We use Linux at work and I am the only one with any real Linux experience.

C: I have a problem! I tried and googled everything already! Come help me...
M: *slowly walks over to their PC*
M: *copy-pastes the error into Google*
M: *clicks the first result*
M: *presses two buttons*
*everything works again*
M: So you tried Google already, have you?

When I leave there (it's a PhD position and I'm almost done) they will probably crash and burn...

Manager: How's the site going. Can I see it?

Dev: ya sure

M: what's that

Dev: that's a * it means some restrictions apply.

M: hmmmm

M: make it a diamond

ENE = Entitled New Engineer
M = Manager

EOE: "I've been here 6 months and I know how everything works. Can we talk about a promotion?"
M: "No, now begins the period wherein, through your labor, you repay us for overpaying you while you got up to this point."

git commit -m "$RANDOM"

Me and colleague went to coffee shop to work...
C -> colleague
M -> Me

...
C: "do you know what I tell myself when I want to gain the courage to talk to a girl I like?":
M: (gave it some thought) "No what?"
C: "If internet explorer has the courage to ask me to become the default browser! Then what am I afraid of?"
M: "No wonder your relationships are buggy! And full of insecurities!"

Got a friend request on Facebook and it reminded me of xkcd #624.

I hope they're at least using git-lfs.

When you know it's .. System.out.println(I m here) ..time

Left unchecked, recursion jokes can go on forever

git commit -m "fix"

git add .
git commit -m "hello there!"
git push origin dev-rant

C is for kids, real men code in assembly.

April fools by M$. (it had reset and off them not just this one)

git commit -m "jdjsbdjsjfak"

Definition of liar: git commit -m "minor fixes"

- git commit -m "well described comment explaining addition"

oh crap forgot to take out this one thing

- ctrl-S
- git commit -m "ahskdbejjeebdosjeb"

Females🏃‍♀️ <--- 100 m ---> AvatarOfKaine🏃

I am interviewing people for a job position with python knowledge.

My first question is how to reverse string and second one what’s the difference between set and list.
So far no one knows.

Fairly speaking I am asking only basic questions about what is decorator, generator, lambda. Also some basic data structure questions.

Is it to hard ?

I lost my faith in humanity.

Beginning of the project:
git commit -m "Added index.html, implemented user-creation"

Towards the end of the project:
git commit -m "Idunno, did some stuff or so (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻"

git commit -m "Weekend"

I was reading devrant.

Obviously I was laughing while reading different rant's.

My curious friend

F: what are you reading? Look's something funny.
M: devrant
F: what?
M: it is developer's community.
F: show
*After reading few rant's*

F: 😪
Nothing interesting

M: don't ask me again about your pc , mobile, software issues
😏

PowerShell is the slowest, most pathetic, unelegant attempt at copying bash.
The Command-Names are stupid and impossible to remember, the syntax is too awkward to put a name on it.
And holy shit how painfully slow can it be!
It feels like it's Java running in a Windows 95 VM running on a dead cow that was revived against its own will by a Cortana ghost that pretends to be GDPR-compliant.

Dev slang

Me: Hey “Schatz” (german equivalent to “treasure”, “sweety”)
Schatz: Yes?
M: What R U doing?
S: Working on my page
M: Oh C (C for “Sí”, what is “Yes” in spanish)
S: && U?
M: null (nothing)

* several Simpsons memes later *

S: Schatzy (female schatz, me), (Want to go to Amy Winehouse tributte) == true
M: !C
S: Why?
M: Cuz I !like it
S: oh, && you.want2Go2TheCinema == true
M: !false
S: True ^_^
M: When?
S: I !know, Tomorrow at !morning?
M: !not cool
S: !hate you
M: Me !neither

Note: Schatz it’s also a dev (Php dev)

What do you think? Should we all promote a “developer slang”? Which phrases would you like to add?

I propose to consider the question, "Can machines think?"
-Alan M Turing

TEAM is the magic word:
T – Teach.
E – Educate.
A – And.
M – Motivate.

I am serious, when did M$ release this for Android?

git add .
git commit -m "updates"
git push origin master

M. M
MM. MM
M. M. M. ERRY

CCCCCCC
C
CCCCCCC. HRISTMAS !!!!

All your OSS are belong to them...

INTERNET EXPLODER AND M$ OS 7 WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING YOU LITTLE PIECE OF CTHULHU SHIT

Interviewer = I, Me = M

I: What is your project all about?

M: It is about reading data from memory of a program and transfer it to output register via a dedicated bus attached inside CPU and then projecting data of registers onto LCD crystals of display.

I: Can you show the working of your project?

M: Runs "hello world" program

Me - 1, Interviewer - Slap on my cheeks with shoe in one hand.

Mom: it's time to go!
Me:
$ git commit -m "I have to go"
$ git push
I'm ready!

Person: What are you doing for living?
Me: I am a software engineer.
P: what does that mean?
M: we build applications and websites. basically
P: like what?
M: I don't have an example now, but when you open your computer and navigate to a website, we build similar things..
P: ahhaaah, so you make computers
M: no no, *open Facebook on my phone* see this is an application, we made applications that run on devices.
P: so make phones, that's cool
M: nooo!
P: so you do nothing !
M: yes 🙄

when I m pissed off I feel like changing all my api's public methods to private

git commit -m "fixed some problems"
git push -f

git commit -m ‘minor fixes’

Whenever I make instant coffee, I apply this formula:

18ml² water + (recommendSpoons*2) + (milk*M³)

Where 'M' stands for the motivation which is a constant of 0

git commit -m "because cafés never have enough outlets and my laptop is dyiii---"

This scene is an 8-year-old.
My friend(F) got his first mobile. First featured mobile.
Maximum smartness in that mobile was a snake game and Bluetooth.
So I decided to prank him.
M: Bro do you know this particular model need a network to use Bluetooth?
F: I am not stupid to believe you.
M: I can prove that.
F: K prove me, I will give you treat.
M: ok, turn on your Bluetooth paired it with my Bluetooth.
F: Ok
*start sending him the movie. We were on the train, a train was about to enter the tunnel*
M: When the train will enter a tunnel, We will lose network and sending will fail.
F: ok let's see.

*when a train enters in a tunnel, we shift light to black in meantime for 3-4 sec our eyes feel blindness. so I closed eyes before entering a tunnel and once train enter in the tunnel immediately restart Bluetooth *

M: look sending failed
F: Seriously man, I didn't know that.
M: It's ok bro next time inform me before buying any electronics.
F: sure
M: my treat?
F: Yup

*for next few days, he was thinking that Bluetooth need a network to send files until whole group laugh on him*

git commit -m "My 7 days of psychological torture mental breakdowns and suffering ends... now"

Just bought a 1986 IBM Model M!

Be us
Be pair devs
Be doing PHP
Be explaining code to each other to find bug.
Be confused. Code checks out.
Be laughing asses off
Be realise the filename had a m instead of n
@TheCapeGreek

$ git add .
$ git commit -m "This HAS to be online soon"
$ git push
*merge conflict*
*did not look at difference*
*using mine*
$ git commit -m "resolv merge conflict"
$ git push

$ ssh root@x.x.x.x
# git pull
# cd /path/to/webapp
# npm run production

git commit -a -m"fix image"
git commit -a -m"fix image 2"
git commit -a -m "fix image 2 bug"
git commit -a -m "fix image 2 bug bug"
git commit -a -m"fix image final"

Shit.. Came here to post for wk63.. m late again..

Hi I m new to here

git commit -m "weekend, in the middle of fucked up!"

(in a meeting between o&m team and business partners to assign priorities to various tasks)
I.T.: So what priority would you put this new task?
Business : it's our 1.
I.T.: ok, and this other one?
B: it's a 1.
I.T.: ...

Supervisor: *starts meeting*
Me: *joins*
S: Hi, thanks for joining
M: Yup, what's up
S: I wanted to set up this 1 on 1 to talk about how you're doing and your progress.
M: OK...
S: As you know we're supposed to do a 3 month review.
M: OK... Sure... *looks at calendar*

//It has been 5.8 months since I've been at this company.

Fuck M.2 and mSATA SSD's. Not only do you have to worry about lengths (30, 42, 80mm), but then there's mSATA vs M.2... Where SSD's with an M.2 connector can STILL use mSATA internally! AND on top of that there's a bazillion connector types. For that I'll let the attached image speak for itself. I don't see the difference to be honest. Maybe someone in the comments can explain.

Long story short, I bought what looks to be an M.2 SSD that nonetheless uses mSATA and I pretty much wasted my money on a paperweight. The little enclosure I bought for it only does mSATA *connectors*. It doesn't fucking fit!

Am i doing it right?
git commit -m "Multiple changes and minor changes in the project."

newbie rant -

freaking started esterday at 1am.

m hooked.

Copying a javascript anonymous function (Yes, the whole function) 11 times with only one parameter changing
I'm currently cleaning it up...

O H B O Y F U N D A Y S I N C O M M I N G...

Why M$, Why?

git add greeting.php
git commit -m "added Christmas greeting"
git push origin christmas-tree

!rant

Hey all... I have a question...
So, I m really burnt out of coding (C++ guy here)... I have always been learning something but never built anything... I really wanna make some game or something but it jst takes soooo long... M really lacking motivation and m soooo through learning stuff for now...
Please suggest what do i do? (Cant change language... I find all others boring... No offense)

$: git commit -m 'I died'

Last commit message.
Comment yours below 🙂:

P=Pull Requester
M=Me

M: Hi, can you update your pull request title ?
P: Sure!

The pull request title: "A pull request title"

M: oh..

git commit -m "I hate bad commit messages"

So, here is the worst experience, not one.. but recent two of many of the encounters I had with my OOP teacher... (I am in Second Year of Engineering). Lets Call him T.
To give a background of T... He knows nothing but acts like he is the master... you'll get to know this...

Incident #0:
*me developing a website for a client and T just bumps in*
T: Hey, what are you upto.
M:Nothing sir, just some Web-dev stuff.
T: What languages do you use?
M: I am currently using embedded ruby.
T: No no, I meant, what languages do you use for web-dev?
*inner* M: Ok, try to act stupid... He is not worth of all the knowledge.
M: Sorry sir, I just use simple HTML-CSS.
T: Ohh, I use Wordpress... It's a great language to build websites.
*inner* M: He has no idea what WP really is, he is a fuckshit.
T: It's so simple and easy, that you code for Desktop view, press Ctrl-M and then it automatically makes it for mobile view.
*inner* M: Bursts out into laughter
M: OK sir, will look over it.

Incident #1:
*He is teaching, suddenly topic comes of Oracle Certification for Java*
T: I know many of you have idea about java, but do you have what it takes to be an OCJP..
*inner* M: LOL...
T: It is a really hard thing, and I can bet... I can bet *he did repeat that twice* that no one from you can even qualify OCJP.
*inner* M: It's time... It's time
M: Excuse me sir, first of all it's OCA... OCJP does not exist anymore... And secondly, I am an OCA...
*inner* M: Yeah... Fuck you bitch!
*assucimg inner* T:Fuck, asshole..$#@#%@!@$@%#

And whole class was like -> o.O

My Model M and my red Swingline

m nvr lzy

git config --global alias.yolo '!git commit -m "$(curl -s whatthecommit.com/index.txt)"'

I m Windows fan-boy but sometimes I have to say
Fuck u

If I was doing push-ups during Visual Studio's loading times, I wouldn't be able to walk through doors with those arms after one fucking week.

Kiki feet these days

S — Sucks
T — To be broke
I
M
U
L — Lambo
U
S

W8 wut?! O.o
How the hell is someone gonna hack my computer using calculator?!
Also WTH?! I don't even know what that built in admin BS is in win10, let alone how to log in with this o.O

Currently working on thesis:
Me:(Using iText to convert PDF Files to String)
Groupmate: I think the conversion makes our program slower.
M: Fine, I'll search for other libraries

M:(Finds Apache PDF Box and another open source PDF Util)

M:(Tests using nanotime then converted to seconds)

PDFBox: 24.3464 seconds
PDFUtil : 20.8365 seconds

iText : 7.937 seconds

:///////

git commit -m "heck yeah! finnaly!"

defuq!!
I was on the airport and wanted to buy a millefeuilles to eat, those bustards buy the single piece fir almost $2.5 (few meters outside the airport it's just less that $0.5).
Let's do the math: the dimensions of one piece is almost 10x5 cm, which means a surface of 50 cm² (0.005 m²).
So a m² of millefeuilles costs $500, what the shit, a m² awful millefeuilles is more expensive than m² of land in a respectable area.

rm -rf *
git add .
git commit -m "Initial commit"
git push -f

for(i=0;i<i+1;i++){echo"I\'m happy\!";}

Ello i am no prgrmmer. I m vry g4m3r. Me also leet haxx0r. My ip is 127.0.0.1

Convo with me an my friend today (i purposefully left out my opinions and reactions):

Friend: i want to learn c#

Me: sounds good, but I'd go java if i were you

F: yeah but i want to do unity

M: sounds good, but I'd go with unreal engine if I were you

F: what language is unreal engine?

M: C++, but if you want to make apps, go with unity

F: yeah I want to make an android app

M: sounds good, but I'd try out renderscript if I were you

F: yeah I've used that before

M: oh really? What does it do?

F: I don't know

M: its for gpgpu because android game devs needed better performance

F: yeah I've used that

M: what does gpgpu stand for?

F: umm… i know what gpu stands for

M: okay dude, you didn't use it

F: yes I did, I made a cypher

M: dude, you didn't use it

F: yes I did!

M: what does gpgpu stand for?

F: *left*

*five minutes later*

M: *checks phone*

M: *sees text from friend*

Text from friend: dude it was general purpose gpu

How Mark Zuckerberg tells Bill Gates that his company is retarded.
.
Whatsapp works with M$ Edge 13+
DOWNLOAD THE LATEST VERSION OF WINDOWS 10 or use Google Chrome, Firefox... 😂😂😂 -- No. you can't just download M$ Efge 13+ it won't work

`git ci -m "Remove not needed escapes"`

Removed some \ from bash script.

But how it sounds :D

git add salt.png
git commit -m "lol"

"Have a lit summer full of m e m e s and a will to live” - fam

In case of Cyclone emergency,
git add *
git commit -m "cyclone times"
git push origin master
Run

This week is going to be one big all-nighter. A-W-E-S-O-M-E

Why yes, yes I do sort my M&M's and Skittles according to color, then eat them from fewest to most.

Everyone argues about the perfect date, so I searched and found it using complex machine learning, a lot of trial and error, and too much alcohol:

'#76ab%Y%Y@98:%M%D%h@()%m&%m%Y%D%Y€¥$¢%M%h+%s-%s%%'

Where:
- %Y stands for one number of the last year
- %M stands for one number of the following month
- %D stands for one number (09 are two numbers for example) of SQRT((CURRENT_DAY^7)/3)
- %h stands for one number of the hour next evening(12h system)
- %% stands for either 7 or 3, 7 means that the hour(%h) is a.m., 3 means that the hour is p.m.
- %m stands for the minute the next solar eclipse will happen
- %s stands for one number of the second you will hate yourself to have this system implemented.

How to use it im 3 simple steps:

1. Implement it using ???
2. ?????
3. Profit?

I m speechless now

M!@@N friday nailed it

wow, i m that old already....

When you're dead tired and keep making stupid mistakes...
git commit -m "ugh..."

git commit -m suicide

Im in the process of developing a tool for small comunity of gamers.

That tool will help people in mod making.

Currently you have to use notepad++ in order to modify .json files that contain unit properties.

I downloaded grep for win to check for patterns in those .json files to understand how they work

I ran a simple search and...

Avast decided to frezze my pc for 20min to check 300 files because winGrep accesed them...
WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DECIDE TO SATURATE MY HDD IO YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT? I HAVENT GOT ANY WIRUSES FOR 6 YEARS YOU ARE USELESS. I WILL UNINSTALL YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE JUST WASTING MY RESORUCES AND MY TIME.

I cant even reboot my laptop because i would lose my code!

Fuck AV's
Fuck slow hdd's
Fuck inefficient programs
Fuck people who thought that instaling a bunch of crap on win 10 is a good idea
Fuck people who will try to convince me to swich to linux
Fuck apple
Fuck M$
I love my C hashtag

I might swich to win10 ltsb

Developers don't go in com(m)a, but into semi-colon;

🤖 🤖 🤖

Every time, I'm telling you, e-v-e-r-y-t-i-m-e.

What the f*** is this gradle in Android Studio??
M getting tired with this error. Whenever m starting studio it stuck on waiting for build to finish project.. I already done with checking offline work still it's not working.. What the f*** should I do with this error??

friend : bro which phone may I buy?
me : mi / honor

next day
f : bro are you sure?
m : yup pretty sure ,in your budget this 2 are best phone

after 3-4 day
*call*
f : bro I buy phone.
m : congo , which pne ?
f : oppo f9

o(╥﹏╥)o

<?php
define("NOW", date("Y-m-d H:i:s", time());
/* ..... more code ..... */
$nowUnix = strtotime(NOW);

When you realise a so-called app developer has used nvarchar columns to store every single date record, in every DB table of your platform.
Using d/m/Y format.
Without leading zeros.
And, in just a few tables, m/d/Y.
*sigh*

Hey @dfox, @trogus, the birds on the shoulder are super pimp, but would you be interested in making a parrot? You know, to go along with a Hawaiian shirt, an eye patch, and a pirate hat?

That'd be metal af \m/\m/

Understanding pointer arithmetic in C. M still not proficient in them 😅😭

I think my ultimate life fantasy is to chew mouthful of m&m's for hours.

It feels kind of extremely selfish and greedy to eat it like that.

Ah. The joy of installing arch fills through my veins...

I so did not miss installing it twice just to get it correctly installed... But m addicted!

FML

How to spend more time writing docs then code?
15m = doc
1m = code

<code>
/* Motor DC + Mosfet IRF520 + Servo
Materials:
IRF520 (Mosfet) + Dc motor + Batery (3V min)
diode (1N4007?)
Changed Tip122 for IRF520: Tip122 has less resistance and produces more heat

Hardware:
ARDUINO = A(port , 5V , GND)
MOSFET = M(A[port] , + , GND)
MOTOR = MOTOR(+ , -)
BATERIA = BAT(+ , -)
DIODO = D(sinal_1 , sinal_2)

MOSFET
M(port) = A(port)
M(+) = D(sinal_1) AND MOTOR(+)
M(GND) = A(GND)

D(sinal_2) = B(+) AND MOTOR(-)

ARDUINO
A(port) = M(port)
5V = null
A(GND) = M(GND) AND BAT(-)

*/

#define motorPIN 8 // A(port)
int loopy = 0; // Loop variable to limit de program

void setup()
{
// Initialize the motor pin as an output:
pinMode(motorPIN, OUTPUT);

}

void loop() // 1 loop == 100ms
{
if (loopy < 10) // Turns motor ON for 1 second
{
digitalWrite(motorPIN, HIGH);
}
else // Turns motor OFF
{
digitalWrite(motorPIN, LOW);
}
}

</code>

svn ci -m "routine submission"