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Search - "shut the fuck up"
If you are using a FREE software and you don’t like it
You have 3 options:
- Stop using it,
- create your own,
- or simply, SHUT THE FUCK UP
You get the right to complain about what I build IF AND ONLY IF you paid for it.
Hope this is clear!!!21
Big event. Massive traffic in production, so we were monitoring all night.
I was in a room with 2 devs of my team, a marketting girl, my boss and a designer... chilling.
Suddenly the production is down.
Boss: production is down, anyone can check?
Me: already on it
Dev1: it looks ok for me
Dev2: me too
Me: wait what? Impossible everything is down
Dev1: oh I refreshed the page it's not working
Me: don't stay on the page refreshing it like you are fucking monkeys. Give me useful intel or be quiet.
Market girl: is it working?
Guys is it working?
Me: Not yet we are looking. Don't distract me.
Boss: client called us. They want it online now.
Dev1&2: he's looking
... 1 min later...
Boss: is it working?
Boss: is it working?
Boss: is it working?
Me: SHUT THE FUCK FOR FUCKING ONE SECOND. ALL OF YOU, OUT NOW. YOU ARE FUCKING MONKEYS WHO CAN'T DO SHIT. IF YOU CAN'T HELP JUST SHUT YOUR DAMN SHITHOLE. DEVS, LOOK WITH ME. MARKET GIRL PREPARE A FUCKING POST-MORTEM MAIL. BOSS GET THE CLIENT ON THE PHONE AND STALE. DO. YOUR. FUCKING. JOBS.
That's how I ended up screaming at everyone... the rest of the night went in complete silence and I fixed the issue 2min after the got quiet or busy.25
Today my current company fuck itself.
We were in negotiations about the end of my contract/mission, I want to quit to create a company around AI.
And the actual chairman said to me "You think too highly of yourself. I could find a tenth of people to replace you so shut up and take what we offer".
30 minutes later they received my resignation. 1h after that, the 15 dev under me resigned (after two year working with us they are clearly under paid). At the end of the day, the Head of product and the two good PO resigned.
This morning I get an email, talking about suing me as I made everyone resigned and asking for a meeting.
So I went to the meeting with a lawyer, they weren't expecting it. Boring legal stuff came after that.
And the funny fact: at the end of the meeting the CIO, chief ops and the SRE resigned as well.... As they didn't want to have the run it without all the team...
Funny day :)
Last month the main product, 90% of the company use it, was launched. And in three months 80% if the IT profiles will be out...37
Sales employee Bob wants a clickable blue button.
Bob tells product owner Karen about his unstoppable desire for clickable blue buttons.
Karen assigns points for potential and impact (how much does a blue button improve Bob's life, how many people like Bob desire blue buttons)
Karen asks the button team how hard it is to build a button. The button team compares the request to a reference button they've built before, and gives an ease score, with higher score being easier (inverse of scrum points).
These three scores are combined to give a priority score. The global buttonbacklog is sorted by priority.
Once every two weeks (a "sprint") the button team convenes, uses the ease scores to assign scrum points. Difficult tasks are broken up into smaller tasks, because there is a scrum point upper limit. They use the average of the last 5 sprints to calculate each developer's "velocity".
The sprint is filled with tasks, from the top of the global button backlog, up to the team's capacity as determined by velocity. Approximate due dates are assigned, Bob is a happy Bob.
What if boss Peter runs into the office screaming "OUR IMPORTANT CLIENT WANTS A FUCKING PINK BUTTON WHICH MAKES HEARTS APPEAR"?
Devs tell boss to shut the fuck up and talk to Karen. Karen has a carefully curated list of button building tasks sorted by priority, can sedate boss with valium so he calms the fuck down until he can make a case for the impact and potential of his pink button.
Karen might agree that Peter's pink button gets a higher priority than Bob's blue button.
But devs are nocturnal creatures, easily disturbed when approached by humans, their natural rhythms thrown out of balance.
So the sprint is "locked", and Peter's pink button appears at the top of the global backlog, from where it flows into the next sprint.
On rare occasions a sprint is broken open, for example when Karen realizes that all of the end users will commit suicide if they don't have a pink heart-spawning button.
In such an event, Peter must make Bob happy (because Bob is crying that his blue button is delayed). And Peter must make the button team of devs happy.
This usually leads to a ritual involving chocolate or even hardware gift certificates to restore balance to the dev ecosystem.23
When our sales guy came by for the 200000000000th time on a day to boast about how good he advised someone on a sales related matter.
Mate, we're Linux engineers and currently trying to fix shit up so why don't you get yourself a cup of shut the fuck up.7
7 am. Dog wants out. I roll out of bed after trying to pretend I am dead.
Walk down the stairs to the side door. Half asleep and notice that the door has daylight shining through on the lock side. Didn't shut it all the way the night before. Walk outside. Dog does his thing. Turn around. Doors locked.
Go for my phone. In the house. Go for my keys. In the house. Fuck. Fuck a duck.
Start checking my windows. One opens a fraction of an inch. Doesn't do me any good. Dog is outside with me. Freezing his ass off. It's like 5 degrees here.
Both of my neighbors don't answer their door. Life flashes before my eyes. Put my dog in my jacket to warm him up. Little 15lb rat terrier. Not made for snow.
He's fine for now. I grab a piece of rebar from my backyard and lever my window a bit more open, busting one of the locks.
And then I yell "ALEXA. OPEN THE FRONT DOOR." The voice of an angel responds. "OK." Whirrr. Click. Door opens. Sweet warmth.
I need a fake rock with a key under it.
Postman: We will stop supporting our Chrome app. Please download our "Native" app for better performance.
No motherfuckers.. Go die, alone, while your fucking family watch you bleed to death helplessly.
Electron is not native, don't mix true native development with lazy ass electron. Fuck you. A native postman would've been around 15MB in size but your "native" installer is 68MB so shut the fuck up and don't call it native or I will stick my native dick in your fucking throats.
I develop native apps So yeah, I'm pissed when web devs are starting to call electron and JS as native desktop apps... They are not... Now fuck off you smelly cunts.42
My mentor/guider at my last internship.
He was great at guiding, only 1-2 years older than me, brought criticism in a constructive way (only had a very tiny thing once in half a year though) and although they were forced to use windows in a few production environments, when it came to handling very sensitive data and they asked me for an opinion before him and I answered that closed source software wasn't a good idea and they'd all go against me, this guy quit his nice-guy mode and went straight to dead-serious backing me up.
I remember a specific occurrence:
Programmers in room (under him technically): so linuxxx, why not just use windows servers for this data storage?
Me: because it's closed source, you know why I'd say that that's bad for handling sensitive data
Programmers: oh come on not that again...
Me: no but really look at it from my si.....
Programmers: no stop it. You're only an intern, don't act like you know a lot about thi....
Mentor: no you shut the fuck up. We. Are. Not. Using. Proprietary. Bullshit. For. Storing. Sensitive. Data.
Linuxxx seems to know a lot more about security and privacy than you guys so you fucking listen to what he has to say.
Windows is out of the fucking question here, am I clear?
Yeah that felt awesome.
Also that time when a mysql db in prod went bad and they didn't really know what to do. Didn't have much experience but knew how to run a repair.
He called me in and asked me to have a look.
Me: *fixed it in a few minutes* so how many visitors does this thing get, few hundred a day?
Him: few million.
Me: 😵 I'm only an intern! Why did you let me access this?!
Him: because you're the one with the most Linux knowledge here and I trust you to fix it or give a shout when you simply can't.
Lastly he asked me to help out with iptables rules. I wasn't of much help but it was fun to sit there debugging iptables shit with two seniors 😊
He always gave good feedback, knew my qualities and put them to good use and kept my motivation high.
PSA: kali linux is literally just a debian with extra preinstalled software. You aint hot shit cause you use kali. You aint hacker cause you use kali. You can do the exact same shit on any other distro what doesnt have a 4gig live iso. Shut the fuck up.18
Also a big “fuck you” to whoever decided under any circumstance holding the power button down on a computer case meant anything other than shut this mother fucker all the way down and try the fuck again.
Gahhh. When I hold the power button I don’t what you to sleep, I want you to die! I’m electronically smothering your bitch ass. When I’m holding down the power button to restart, the computer should feel like it’s being waterboarded! Like these may be it’s last moments on Earth if it doesn’t act right and get in compliance! No it’s not nap time, it’s time to shut up or shut down...forever!9
FUCKING LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!
I NEED TO FUCKING WORK!
NO I DON'T CARE ABOUT POLITICS.
NO I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR RANDOM FUCKING DREAMS.
NO I DON'T CARE ABOUT COINS OR THE PRICE OF GOLD.
NO I DON'T CARE ABOUT SOME EXPENSIVE PLANE OR BOAT OR CAR YOURE NEVER GOING TO BUY.
NO I DON'T CARE ABOUT CHINA.
NO I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR DRAMA.
I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THE ARBITRARY FUCKING BULLSHIT YOU BLABBER ABOUT.
STOP. WASTING. MY. TIME.
I'M THE ONLY ONE PAYING THE BILLS
SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME DO IT!28
My thoughts when my uncle was introducing me to one of his friends.
(M = me, U = uncle, F = Uncle's friend)
U : Meet M, he is a software developer, he works at * blah *.
M (Internally): That is a very reasonable introduction.
U : * Continues speaking. *
M (Internally): No, staph! It was good enough. Don't go any further.
U : He does * blah blah *
M (Internally): That's not even remotely related to what I do.
U : If you have any tech related problems, he is your guy.
M (Internally): You should have kept shut.
U : If your phone slows down, he can fix it.
M (Internally): Why would you even say that !?
U : He can fix all you printer issues.
M (Internally): Excuse me. What. The. Fuck!?
U : You should definitely consult him before purchasing any tech.
M (Internally): That's it. I give up. There is no hope left.
F : * Gestures U to clam down. *
F : * Nods at M in a very assuring manner. As if he were saying, 'chill bro! Its all cool, I understand.' *
M (Internally): Hold on. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe there is some hope left.
F : So, tell me, how good are you with excel formulas?
M (Internally): * Dies *4
Navy story time again. Grab that coffee and fire up Kali, the theme is security.
So, when I got promoted to Lieutenant Jr. I had to attend a 1-year school inside my nostalgic Naval Academy... BUT! I was wiser, I was older... and I was bored. Like, really bored. What could go wrong? Well, all my fellow officers were bored too, so they started downloading/streaming/torrenting like crazy, and I had to wait for hours for the Kali updates to download, so...
mdk3 wlan0mon -d
I had this external wifi atheros card with two antennae and kicked all of them off the wifi. Some slightly smarter ones plugged cables on the net, and kept going, enjoying much faster speeds. I had to go to the bathroom, and once I returned they had unplugged the card. That kind of pissed me off, since they also thought it would be funny to hide it, along with the mouse.
But, oh boy, they had no idea what supreme asshole I can be when I am irked.
So, arpspoof it is. Turns out, there were no subnetworks, and the broadcast domain was ALL of the academy. That means I shut EVERYONE off, except me. Hardware was returned in 1 minute with the requested apologies, but fuck it, I kept the whole academy off the net for 6 hours. The sysadmin ran around like crazy, because nothing was working. Not even the servers.
I finally took pity on the guy (he had gotten the duties of sysadmin when the previous sysad died, so think about that) and he almost assaulted me when I told him. As it turned out, the guy never had any training or knowledge on security, so I had to show him a few things, and point him to where he could study about the rest. But still, some selective arp poison on select douchebags was in order...
Needless to say, people were VERY polite to me after that. And the net speed was up again, so I got bored. Again. So I started scanning the net.
To be continued...3
Overheard this phone conversation:
I honestly wanted to punch her in the face.9
A couple of months back I got an interview for a junior android devel position. I do not consider myself a junior devel, bt fuck it they paid 78k a year plus benefits and this is for south texas where it ain't thaaat expensive. So i kept my mouth shut and went with it.
The company was glorious, one of those hipsert marketing companies with cool couches and shit and people doing fuckign whatever all over the place and cool tools and desks.
So the initial interview with the hr dept went amazing, real cool guys and very down to earth. Next was the senior android dev.
It was to be a phone interview, with a lil coding test. Fine whatevs. But the moment he called i knew shit was going down hill. Dude sounded dead af. Like he could not stand being himself that day. Asked asshole questions that every developer in Android should know that were frankly quite insulting ("what company develops the Android os" kind of deal) but kept my mouth shut and answered as needed.
Then the coding portion. Given a string, find the first position of the first repeated char, so if I had , fuck i dunno "tetas" then t was the first (and only) char repeated and it should have given out 2.
Legit finished it up in less than 6 mins and only because he was making me explain my entire thought process.
He got angry for some reason. Mind you I speak like a hippie, with a melow town and calm voice all the damned time, got that Texas swag going on as well as any good ol' boy from Texas should right?
Well this dude was not having none of that shit that day.
Dude was all like "ok now....why exactly did you do it this way?"
With a VERY condescending tone. And i explained that at first I normally think about solutions in pseudocode, so I wrote that as well...1 min or less. In python. This is after I still had the Java solution on screen with perfectly clean and working Java. I saif that since Python was as close to pseudocode as it gets that I figured i would just write the "pseudocode" in python and then map it to Java with all the required modifications.
"Welk i did not ask you to write it in java, so i dunno why you would even do that to begin with"
That is one of many asshole remarks. The first when I mentioned that I found React Native good for prototyping complex ideas for FUCKING FUN. Passion motherfucker. Shit so fly I do it for fun. "We don't deal with that here so I am not interested in what you can do with that or how would it help me"
Well going back to the python shit. I explain (calmly) that it was just a way that I had to figure details, to think of different implementations. He continues by saying that it takes valuable company time.
Then he proceeds to tell me that he believes that i cheated since i fi ished the java "problem" too fast.
I told him that simple stuff like that should take even less for any senior java dev and that we could run another example if he wanted.
Bring it puto.
He then said that he still did not understand the need for Python in my solution. I lost it.
"Look man, getting real tired of your tone, i explained already, it is just a mental process, i do this when comming up with solutions, thinking in theory, not languages, helps me bridge the gap between problem and implementation, the solution works, it is efficient and fast and i can do it in 5 diff ways if you wanted, i offered and you said no. Don't really know what else you want"
"All i am saying, i am not going to hire you if you are going to be writing Python for Android, that is useless to me"
Lost it more.
I do sound different when pissed. So I basically told him that he asked for my reasoning behind and it was given, that not getting it was a you problem.
Sooooo did not get the job. Was relieved really. Can't imagine having a twat like that as a lead devel.19
Senior development manager in my org posted a rant in slack about how all our issues with app development are from
“Constantly moving goalposts from version to version of Xcode”
It took me a few minutes to calm myself down and not reply. So I’ll vent here to myself as a form of therapy instead.
- You frequently discuss the fact that you don’t like following any of apples standards or app development guidelines. Bit rich to say the goalposts are moving when you have your back to them.
- We have a custom everything (navigation stack handler, table view like control etc). There’s nothing in these that can’t be done with the native ones. All that wasted dev time is on you guys.
- Last week a guy held a session about all the memory leaks he found in these custom libraries/controls. Again, your teams don’t know the basic fundamentals of the language or programming in general really. Not sure how that’s apples fault.
- Your “great emphasis on unit testing” has gotten us 21% coverage on iOS and an Android team recently said to us “yeah looks like the tests won’t compile. Well we haven’t touched them in like a year. Just ignore them”. Stability of the app is definitely on you and the team.
- Having half the app in react-native and half in native (split between objective-c and swift) is making nobodies life easier.
- The company forces us to use a custom built CI/CD solution that regularly runs out of memory, reports false negatives and has no specific mobile features built in. Did apple force this on us too?
- Shut the fuck up6
I love it when lying, cheating, bitching dinosaurs act like they're all powerful and on God mode just because they can click buttons in a mobile app and do whatever the fuck they want. You know the system logs your shit, do you? I guess not.
I booked a car using a mobile app that I've been using for years. They absorbed their competition so currently, they are the only car booking app here. When I saw that my driver arrived at the pick-up location, I looked around and found that he wasn't there so I asked him where he is. He did not respond so I walked around the pick-up location and said, "I'm right outside <insert building name here>."
To my surprise, the mobile app said he has already picked me up. I kept messaging him asking what happened and why he picked me up in the app when I'm still waiting for him in the location. No response. I called him thinking it was just a misunderstanding and politely asked what happened. He was angry and said, "Why weren't you in the pick-up location?" I said I was there and couldn't find him. Thinking there must have been a mistake, I asked "Can you cancel my booking? I can't cancel from my side because it says I'm already in your car." He yelled, "Well, I can't do anything about that. I picked you up anyway and if I cancel now, it would reflect badly on my record."
I dropped the call. Now I'm stuck in my location because I can't use the app to book another car until this motherfucker "drops me off" when I wasn't even in his car to be dropped off anyway. I'm late for my appointment and had to chase down some taxis when most of them are occupied due to the rush hour. A few minutes later, I received a notification that I was "dropped off" and my credit was charged for the "trip".
I was furious and I swear to fucking Satan, I'm gonna destroy this man's career. This guy is on a power trip. First, his car just zoomed by the pick-up location. He did not consume the given 3 minutes wait, not like he would consume it anyway since I was fucking there waiting for him. I hate it when people are late so I also avoid making people wait. Second, he didn't have to pick me up at all. He could have just cancelled or let me cancel. And finally, he gave me that fucking attitude when I called him like IT JUST MADE SENSE that he picked me up anyway. Now I'm hassled and he gets paid for it.
What he said kept ringing in my ear:
"I don't want to get a bad record."
"I don't want to get a bad record."
"I don't want to get a bad record."
So I emailed the company and told them what happened. I explicitly said that not only do I want a refund, something has to be done with this driver given the details above. How's that for not having a bad record? I swear, the fucking rotting old corpses in this country act like they own the place just because they existed before Jesus was born. And these motherfucking drivers, the chariots from hell, they just abuse their passengers like they're some almighty god who can do as they wish because well, you don't have much "choice", do you? I have the choice to hand your ass back to you, sir.
This is why you're all fucking poor. You get a small taste of presumed "power", you act like little shits. This is why I have no sympathy for the poor in this fucking place. You're all lazy fucks who hassle everyone just because you feel entitled to do it. Because everything is unfair, right? You're not given opportunities, right? And yet given an opportunity, you do this kind of shit and assume everyone else is too dumb to prove what you did because you went clickity-clickity-click on an app you think you know everything about.
Fuck you. Fuck you. May god have mercy on you and I hope my rage blows over soon enough before I do some crazy shit as to stalk your next fucking location and keep spamming you with bad reports using different accounts until you lose the fucking job that you don't even care for. It's not that hard for a raging lunatic like me. God damn, I hate liars and cheaters. An eye for an eye, motherfucker.
"Now you're acting the same way and all powerful just because you can report them."
"It's ironic how you--"
Yeah, yeah, nice observation, genius. Stop spreading your mediocre "findings" on someone else's rant. It doesn't make you look smart, it makes you look desperate.
"Oh yeah, oh yeah? Well, stop spreading your mediocre rants in this plat--"
Shut the fuck up, oh my gggggggggggggggoddd. Just let me fucking rant.10
Dells XPS are made of magic. [long story, major fuckup, 10k+ damages]
It all started in December. One morning I was late to work, drove there as fast as possible. (I live like 3 minutes away so me being late really meant *late*) Parked my car in a secluded car park, grabbed my backpack and ran to work. The car park is like 100 meters away from work so I took my feet into my hands and ran. Next thing I know my heels loose all grip while I go down a small slope and I drop on my back full force. On a sharp edged stone. With only my 1700$ XPS in it. Fuck.
I paniced, but got up and ran to work. I checked on the notebook, praying it would boot. It booted! Holy shit. I flipped the notebook and saw two small dents in the aluminum shell. I was thorougly impressed. I later discovered that it left a small shadow on the display, but given what a hit that was (I am not exactly a lightweight), impressive would be a massive understatement.
Fast forward to February, I am weighing my options to get the screen replaced maybe, as damage on my hardware (even if neglectable) triggers some sort of OCD and makes me feel bad 24/7. Also my laptop tends to shut off from time to time, looked into the Event Viewer and saw kernel panic. I figured that the battery probably still took a hit and that it drops voltage from time to time and the kernel assumes a critical situation, thus shutting off.
It stayed quite snowy in Austria up until March, so occasional snowing wasn't rare. Got out of work one day, saw it snowed a bit. Whatever. I had my moms car at the time, so I tried if it would slide a bit if I donut on the now (5pm) empty parking space. Nothing. Drove done a small hill, ABS triangle lit up red (board computer can't outbalance the snow). I drove out to the main street where everything was salted and drove along towards my house. Took a turn into my street, accelerated for a bit and then went off the gas so the car would smoothly drive along with the speed slowly degrading. So I went off the gas and noticed I was a bit to the right, no wonder, centrifugal forces.
"Huh seems like I need a bit more"
*car still doesnt move much*
"What the- go to the left!"
*steers left hard*
"Fuck that wall is coming closer"
*car doesnt break*
"FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!"
Everything got quiet in seconds, me waking up to an open airbag, ripped pants, a hurting wrist, the radio somewhere on the ground and fumes that smellt like burning wires. I grabbed my backpack that was now somewhere on the floor instead of on the seat and ran outside, tears in my eyes and the phone on my ear calling my mom. I walked inside as she walked outside, hearing a weeping scream that I haven't heard from her since I am alive. While walking inside I noticed my backpack was wet on the bottom, my 2 litre water jug shattered when my backpack hit the dashboard. I tried to stay calm and act rational, knowing that every second counts when It comes to water damage. I hastely searched for some rice and a bag to put my laptop into, stuffed the bag with both and went outside. The car was totaled, my mom pissed and crying. And I was in shock, sad, angry and hurting.
I kept the laptop on my heater for a few days, bagged in rice. I dared to try a boot after a while and you wont believe me, it fucking booted. Even the keyboard backlight worked, just the screen was obviously broken in the back (no color distortion or bad pixel rows though!!) and the aluminum shell had a dent on the front. I talked with Dell Support a few days later, asking if it would be ok to open the XPS up so I could drain all of the water. She said yes thats fine, as long as I dont touch anything or screw around with it.
She said I can send it in and get it checked, but the pickup and analysis will cost 150$ and I can go from there.
I sent it in and estimated that, because battery, screen and other things probably needed changing, it will be around 900$.
Got a call a few weeks later:
"Hello beggarboy, the repair team reported back to us and said that they will have to replace everything, which will be 1700$."
"Fuck... Buying a new one is cheaper.."
"Yeah I know I am sorry about that, I can offer you a voucher so you can buy a new one for 250$ off if you would prefer that"
"Sorry but I will need some time to consider"
The agent clearly noticed I was bummed about it.
After going back and forth what to do I got another call a few days later.
"Hello beggarboy, we talked a few days ago. I have good news"
"Hello, yes, speak up?"
"I was able to get a special offer for you after putting in a few words..."
The next thing she said seemed unreal to me.
She was able to cut 600$ (!!!), making the new offer 1100$, instead of 1700$ or a new one for 1500$. I figured the reason she probably did that was because I am always very polite with support members. Always.
My XPS is back and healty again.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Dells XPS are made of magic.13
Dropped out of college. Got a job. Happily earning while doing what I love doing.
I still meet wise asses who tell me “...but you should still go back and get a degree...just to be safe”.
Shut the fuck up guys, just SHUT THE FUCK UP AND FUCK DEGREES26
"Do you like your job? I mean, all those collored lines in that funny font... sitting at the desk with this adorable rubber duck... Do you guys jus".....
Me: "SHUT UP YOU STUPID ASSHOLE!!! I MADE 26 COMMITS DURING THIS FUCKING DAY, THE DAY THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE LAST WORKING DAY OF THIS SHITTY YEAR! I HAVE NOT SLEPT AS I SHOULD AT ALL CAUSE THIS FUCKING MIGRATION OF NEW YEAR'S UPDATE AND NOW... AHH NOW YOU STUPID FYCKING PSYCHO... NOW I HAVE TO CONTROLL MYSELF DURING NEXT DINNER WITH FRIENDS, HAVE NO MUCH ALCOHOL CAUSE DURING SUNDAY, EVEN ITS A FUCKING HOLIDAY AND EVEN IF I AM IN A LOOONNGG HANGOVER, I DO STILL NEED TO COMPLETE THIS FUCKING NEW YEAR MIGRATION YOU ASS PUNK! GO FUCK YOURSELF YOU LITLE USELESS TINY LITLE SHIT!!!"
And this is how I see my new years resolution: the time is priceles doing this questions to me...
Happy new year, fellazz! 💃🎆🎉2
Other really autistic Dev: hey how does this work?
Me: *stop what I'm doing and go to his side* well I'm not entirely sure since I didn't write any of this but I believe it must be... Proceed to try and explain the code
Other Dev: *uses his hands in a shut up motion and raises it's voice* NO, I ASKED HOW DOES THIS WORK?!?!
Me: ok I don't know I'm just trying to help
Other Dev: literally repeats the same thing as before but even louder.
Me: get extremely annoyed and tell him wait man you really are disrespecting me Im just trying to help
Other Dev: no I'm not disrespecting you
Me: *internally screaming* ok... I'll go and do my work any other questions you have put them on slack
How the fuck can people communicate like this?11
So I'm doing my thing... Suddenly all open windows start closing one by one and computer starts a shut down.. and i realize the windows update is coming..
But like.. can you at least give me a 2 minutes heads up? How the fuck such a process gets approved in microsoft?
"Yeah just close everything and force restart.. it's fine"14
Just saw Time magazine's cover
Person of the year 2019: Greta Thunberg
What the fuck did she do to deserve that????
It's time someone acknowledge a developer/techie as a person of the year.
There was automation, spaceX and many more advancement in the field of technology. Why does it feel like technology is always taken for granted.
Not to sound to sexist with that comment. But, living in Sweden (one of the most developed country) and telling the world leaders go fuck themselves is not an achievement.32
I hate it when people from other "cool" departments come in to our office and call us "too quiet", "unsociable" ,"not fun"..
They need to stop for a second and realize how we got to being programmers...
Personally, I went through all the possible professions and asked myself.." which job requires the least amount of human interaction?"
SO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET YOUR HIPSTER FACE THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!8
Fuck my life...
Okay, so I’m working on a web app with a small group... the app is basically a lead generator for new business in another country. We just need contact details cause they’re a fucker to buy.
Step 1: prototype to the investors, working with the ceo to make this thing look shiny AF.
Goes well as fuck.
CEO: “when can we get this out?”
Me: “it’s basically done mate, get your guys to look at it and we can talk about marketing”
Que a shower of 10 or so bellends with senior in their title going into a room and coming out with:
Bellends: “so on this page we want the user to confirm and accept the contract”
Me: “cool, makes some sense, that’s what it’s already doing.”
Bellends: “afterwards we want to show them the price and have them put in their banking details.”
Me: “Wait, you what when?”
Bellends: “Yeah, well Jenny says we should have as few clicks as possible to get to the final stage and have the customer accept.”
Me: “Jenny’s on fucking crack, moving the contract formation phase to after the contract acceptance stage is not an option”
Bellends: “Oh it’s okay, Andy in legal said that would be okay”
Me: “Andy’s a fucking moron, tell him that online contract formation laws were updated 2014/2015 and you can’t do that anymore”
Bellends: “No, andy’s legal, surely he knows”
Bellends: “We want all of this above the fold”
Me: “OH FUCKING SUCK A DICK YOU ABSOLUTE BAND OF FUCKWADS... which one of you, which one hasn’t looked at a website this millennia!?”
Needless to say I ignored all their shit, got the lead generator out and told the CEO those ten people are certifiably fucking useless.
Bonus round; recent, but “it has to be on internal infrastructure”
“Why? It’s a mobile app sending rest calls to a third party saas.”
“It just has to, we have this thing called the private cloud and w”
“Wait... you what son, priv 🤦🏼♂️ private what mate?”
“You... you mean a server rack?”
“Nah we spent £2mn on it, it’s brilliant”
“Hahahaha you fucking dick, you blew £2mn on server infra with fuckall to put on it!?”
“No, no it’s the private cloud”
“Fucking idiot, aye son, where’s the fucking bean stalk you prick!?”
“It has to go on internal infr”
“Shut up, that won’t work”9
"You claim you are a developer and don't know what firebase is? Pfft"
Words uttered by one of my classmates flexing on some 4th semester college inmates. I don't know what's more annoying his squeaky voice, the pretentiousness of using headphones as a necklace during class or that I was just like him when I was a freshman (minus the low hanging fruit flexing).
God fucking damn, I'm not even mad at his obnoxious pampered kid semblance, it's the irony of this enlightened fago falling into the god forsaken rat race. Why?
Because he hasn't been magnanimously disappointed by one of the most corrupt systems I've ever been witness of, yeah keep talking about firebase to the teacher who just nods pretending she knows what you are talking about.
I've had this same teacher before and your nice asynchronous ES6 express nosql solution will come last compared to all the WordPress templates she'll approve because they are pretty and all the time you invested, yeah, right into the crapper, seriously it would've been more satisfying to just masturbate everyday until Christmas break. I'm not pissed at him, annoyed by his semblance maybe, but I actually pitty him because the system will take a big shit on his face and he's just smiling.
Damn it, all these careers ruined by lazy ass professors who think leaving a shitload of diagrams as homework counts as teaching. And before any quirky brother interjects with "oh maybe your University is shit", "muh University verry gut u suk", you shut the fuck up! I know my university sucks even tho is "one of the best ones" by the corrupt media's standards, I'm here to vent about issues, real fucking issues happening in real corrupt systems, I'm taking about professors sexually abusing students, not going to classes, no centralized teaching systems, fucking chaos.
I'm happy for you if you feel good about the piece of paper you hang on your wall that certifies you as Bobby the guy who not only learned a shit load about computers, he also bent his ass so far for us and payed us so much money for it, it's funny he thinks himself as smart.
I know, I know, you went to an ivy league college, have a wonderful job and owe some money, good for you, some are not so lucky and I'll make sure those lazy asses who take advantage of the system lose their jobs.
I'm so sick of this shit we call "moodern educashion"7
If you comment shit like "mUsIc ToDaY iS gArBaGe" and "iM fRoM tHe WrOnG gEnErAtIoN" on YouTube, you deserve to have whatever rights you're given stripped from you.
We live in the most technically advanced time the world has ever seen. We have music available 24/7 from literally all over the world. So shut the fuck up and listen to your preference. Nobody holds a gun to your head and makes you listen to today's music. Don't like it? Don't listen.
It's not brain surgery and this doesn't make you unique or quirky as much as you want it to, nor is it a personality trait.15
Marketing wants to remove the word "sex" from one of my slide decks.
Fuck people who get outraged for others. They are making a bad situation much worse.
Yes, there are people who get triggered by the slightest thing---but those people are going to be triggered no matter what you do. And it seems to me that I'd not want to have them as customers anyway---massive support cost.
We are in danger of washing everything until it becomes an inoffensive shade of beige.
Why do the 99% have to be bored for the 1%?
It's not like I'm doing a live demo...yet...
So, fuck outrage by proxy. If you are personally outraged then say that. If not, shut the fuck up.17
I guess schools in DE are very safe, because this kind of behavior is normally punched out of you around 4th grade.
Just close the fucking window and shut the fuck up instead of snitching in a chat where the boss can see. And why the fuck was that guy in the lab on Sunday?
BTW, there is no chance anyone could pull our 75+kg robots out of that window. Not to mention they are like 20 years old and their only worth is as scraps.13
Just gonna leave this here.
Don't complain if you refuse to speak up. You don't like how something is going? But you don't want to do something about it? Then shut. The. Fuck. Up.
Getting sick of these fucking coworkers who bitch and whine about everything they don't like but when given the opportunity to speak up and voice their shit they just fucking clam up.
Context: nobody was saying anything during today's retrospective but were talking shit about the project the whole sprint. Gee I wonder why NOTHING FUCKING CHANGES. I'm the only one outside of our product owner and tech lead who even speaks out on problems/issues during the sprint. This dev team I'm on is just.. urgh.
They expect me to have their back, but they don't have mine. For months I've been carrying them. Fine. Enough is enough. The next time they need help from me they'll just get the obligatory "have you googled it because I don't have an answer" response.7
I just looked at CPU sales this year. Now damn.
AMD 2:1 Intel
AMD 69% and intel 31%
Now my classmates will finally shut the fuck up about Intel beign the best deal.
We all know AMD is best deal for the buck.
Some people are just Intel fan boys. Some are AMD fan boys. Sure i like AMD because they put everything open-source. But that doesnt change that AMD has sold 1/3 more CPUs then intel while Intel actually released new CPUs 2 months ago and AMD didnt and people still buy more AMD CPUs.
AMD good fucking job you did there. Congrats.
Lets destroy Intel totally with Ryzen 3.
What a time to be alive !77
When you get a client from real MOTHERFUCKING hell.
You just really FUCKING want to say this:
Scorched earth MOTHERFUCKER. I will massacre you. Now SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME DO MY JOB.
First, take a big step back and literally, FUCK YOUR OWN FACE.
I will rain down an ungodly FUCKING firestorm upon you.
You're gonna have to call the FUCKING United Nations and get a FUCKING BINDING RESOLUTION to keep me from FUCKING destroying you.
I am talking SCORCHED EARTH MOTHERFUCKER.
I will MASSACRE you.
I WILL FUCK YOU UP!
But for your own sake you keep it at this:
Yes sir/ma'am :).7
more buzzword translations with a story (because the last one was pretty well liked):
"machine learning" -> an actual, smart thing, but you generally don't need any knowledge to use it as they're all libraries now
"a bitcoin" -> literally just a fucking number that everyone has
"powerful" -> it's umm… almost working (seriously i hate this word, it really has a meaning of null)
"hacking" -> watching a friend type in their facebook password with a black hoodie on, of course (courtesy of @GeaRSiX)
"cloud-based service" -> we have an extra commodore 64 and you can use it over the internet for an ever-increasing monthly fee
"analysis" -> two options: "it's not working" or "its close enough"
"stress-free workplace" -> working from home without pants
now for a short story:
a few days ago in code.org "apscp" class, we learnt about how to do "top down design" (of course, whatever works before for you was not in option in solving problems). we had to design a game, as the first "step" of "top down design," we had to identify three things we needed to do to make a game.
graphics is literally a png, but what the fuck do you expect for ai?
we have a game right? oh wait! its getting boring. let's just sprinkle some fucking artificial intelligence on it like i put salt on french fries.
this is complete bullshit.
also, one of my most hated commercials:
"iot data and ai from the cloud"
yeah please shut the fuck up
The ultimate "I am vegan" guy will be arch linux user, vegan, trans, crossfitter and cryptocurrency investor. I've just met guy like this in my job. He did not shut up for a while. I am not sure whats he doing and whats his job but my guess is that hes paid for spreading cancer, sucidal toughts and eatig your will to live and talk with people...
R - retard
M - me
R: Hey CopyPasteCode I found this bug, it does 'this' insted of 'this'. *spreads arms to see his "muscles"*
M: *headphones off* Ok, I will look into it... *headphones back on*
R: Btw you invested something in the crypto, didnt you? Ive invested... ...bitcoin... ...crypto... ...litecoin..., do you think that... ...something... ...bla bla bla?
M: *tries not to kill myself after his 5 minutes of monolog* Ye sure
R: By the way Ive found this awesome vegan restaurant that accepts litecoin, would you like to come sometime?
M: *10 minutes monolog about vegan food and shit. At this point I want to die* Ok, I will now work on that back, see you later.
R: ye sure bro (wtf, "bro"?)... *looks like hes walking away* *teleports on my otger side touching my monitor*
WOW you are also a Limux user? 😮 Ivr installed arch linux this weekand and its so awesome, *another 6 minutes of monolog*
M: *smiling and preparing to kill him or myself* Nice, awesome *fake smile*
R: Anyway, I gotta go (FINALLY!!!), btw, I am going to the *name of local trans and gay club*, wanna go with me?
M: *after a month after a breakup with my GF (because she was cheating on me) which everyone in the office knew...)* Not really *trying to thing how to say "fuck off" without having meeting with HR*, I cant, I already have somethimg.
R: Oh, ok. Btw, you are rly cool bro (again), we should hang. We should hangout more often...
I hope someone is paying me for loosing 27 minutes with this guy.14
I don't understand this. How is that Facebook is one of the biggest company in the world and have the worst fucking mobile apps ever created. I just use messenger to talk with my mom and it's utter rubbish.
When a call arrives, there's no way to silence that call apart from setting the phone to mute. All the other apps shut up when you either click power button or volume button. But this fucking messenger piece of Satan's anus won't respond to any fucking button when I have a call.
Not only that, once you have received the call, there's no way you can rotate the app without ending the call, turning on auto rotate and call again. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? how the fuck is it that you're so fucking big but you don't have this simple features in your fucking app?
And yeah, most of the time, when I receive a call in mobile, it doesn't appear on the desktop website. If it does and I receive the call from there, the mobile app still keeps shouting. AND GUESS WHAT, at that point, if I reject the call from the mobile, it will end the call that I accepted from the desktop. HAHA, WHAT A FUCKING SURPRISE.
Facebook, please stop being a piece of shite. Put your goddamn money to good use. If you can't make a good app, maybe outsource it to other companies. They will do a better job than you.22
This Part 3 and finale of the tale of Mr DDTW, or the worst coworker I've ever had to deal with. I suggest you start from the beginning if you don't have the context, it's been a trip.
Part 1: https://devrant.com/rants/4210605
Part 2: https://devrant.com/rants/4220715
The problem with this man threatening to snitch on me to the professor if I didn't revert my commit was that he backed me into a corner. Letting him go at his pace with his quality standards would have ruined the project for the rest of us, and I'm not going to let three other people's grades suffer because one was lazy. I'm the PM, team lead, the guy who will ultimately be held responsible for this project succeeding or failing and the mediator of problems.
So I snitched first.
The professor knew us. He had an idea of how we worked as a team, who was enthusiastic about this subject, who was diligent, and who wasn't. It'd been half a semester and he wasn't stupid. I'd also taken the not-so-minor task of testing our software and handling all the little integration problems between components and between the professor's server. This had resulted in several calls between me and him because he'd been flying by the seat of his pants with some of the upgrades he'd been doing to the server code and as the fastest group we were the ones running into all the bugs on his end. And he'd also noted our prior complaint and seen the discrepancy in commits, author tags and hours logged. Mr DDTW had been graded significantly worse than the rest of us. So when I sent him a goddamn novel about our team's internal problems, the bomb was set. And so we get to the conference call, with everybody panicking and with no clue what any of this is about. Except me.
Dear god. That call was pure catharsis. Never have I seen a man get demolished so hard. Mr DDTW got a 45 minute LECTURE, a goddamn SMACKDOWN, about how he needs to take some responsibility for this team effort and that in the real world he'd have been fired. And the professor was so incredibly serene throughout! He could've blasted him with the rage of a thousand suns but he said it in such a way that Mr DDTW's only real responses were "yes", "I understand" and "I'm sorry". An entire semester of this useless fucking bitch being nothing but a leech on our team in three separate projects and he was finally getting SCHOOLED. And then, it gets even better. The professor asked how we could solve this problem, as Mr DDTW needs to do work to be graded but he can't hold us back.
I dropped a suggestion: As I had implemented the module in a way that worked, we could carry on using my version while Mr DDTW could work on a separate branch. Everything else was working reasonably well for an MVP, we just needed to improve and test now, so if Mr DDTW got it working we could merge it back into the main branch. This solved the team's problem of not being able to progress, it solved Mr DDTWs problem of not wanting to fail the course, and it solved my problem of not having to work with this shit-for-brains for the forseeable future. A weight was lifted off my shoulders. No more Mr DDTW. No more bitching and no more shitcode. A grating arsehole that had been bugging everyone all sememster put in his place and out of my hair.
On the way home from uni that day, I rang a friend and told him the entire story as I needed to get it off my chest. Every time I brought up a problem, an issue, a setback, an argument, he made a remark.
"Damn, if only he just... did the work."
Every time he said it it was in a slightly different way, but every time it made me laugh harder as he just didn't stop interrupting me with the same comment. If only he did the work. But the funniest part of all was how right he was. Mr DDTW had so many opportunities to just sit down, shut up, and do the work like the rest of us, but instead he decided to do fuck-all until he got flak for it and proceeded to dig his own grave. What sort of delusional entitlement, sheer incompetence or other dumbfuckery was he suffering from to make such terrible decisions? It's his last year of university and he still hadn't learned to just do the goddamn work (I would later find out that his friend had covered his shortcomings a lot and was apparently the reason why he hadn't flunked out of uni yet).
And so ends the story of Mr Didn't Do The Work the worst person I have ever had the displeasure of working with. We never did merge his branch as we ran out of time during testing. The professor passed him, possibly out of pity or just so that he wouldn't have to resit the course and burden some other poor sods. We weren't the top scorers this time, partially because of my shortcomings as PM but mostly because of the huge delays and manpower deficit, but we did well enough to pass the course with some very high grades. With one exception of course.5
Teacher : What's 1+6 ?
Some kid : it's 7
Fan boy: Shut the fuck up kid.It's still 6.. It's Oneplus 6.13
Allright, I'm pissed.
Warning: more than 4k characters written by a non native english speaker ahead.
> Short summary of the current situation
> "Something being said"
> (Something being thought)
* Actions *
-- Background --
In an attempt to reorganize my desktop I accidentally deleted a folder I called "development". In there I stored links to all my IDEs (Not sure how you call these in english), but also some workspaces like unity (Not much stuff there, processing (just some hobby stuff) AND Eclipse (FUCKING EVERYTHING RELATED TO SCHOOL WEB DEVELOPMENT). Now 3 days have passed and I realized this important folder was missing. Cleared that windows trash the instant I deleted the trash on my desktop.
> Shit, Regret
Install a file restore programm. Do every possible search. Nothing found.
> Big shit
Deadline was in like 3 days. Week was fucking rough so:
> "Screw this, the teacher nevet corrects the assignments and also fuck JSP"
Fast forward 2 months to last week. Teacher starts checking assignments.
* Sees pattern: Only students with missing or bad marks are checked. *
* Feels save *
Teacher approaching me while working on current projects.
* Doesn't feel save anymore *
> "Well, I'ld like to see your THAT programm"
> Well fuck
* Tells the truth *
> "Well that's unfortunate, but I must write a mark. Do you really have nothing to show?"
* Remember that I worked on the school pcs when I started *
> (Better than nothing. Gotta try it)
* Teacher checks programm, not pleased *
> (Fuck me, but at least it's over...)
* Teacher calls me over *
> "With the mark I had to write today you can't reach that good mark even with a good examination, what are we gonna do about this?"
> "Well, there were other assignments that were never checked. Could we replace that mark with one of those?"
* Teacher agrees *
> (Srly bless this guy for that support)
My best choice was an Android app we had to develop during December in pairs. I did the front end (90% of the whole work) and my partner the backend (10 %). I also did 30 % of these 10 %, because I had to review the shit he wasn't able to debug himself.
> brainlogic.exe provided by windows vista
This distribution was partly my fault since I overestimated the work needed for the backend, but also the fault of that fucker. I mean, he didn't tell me the professor already provided 90 % of the backend...
Rest of the week was really busy (always 1 or 2 things to study for each day, workout and family stuff).
Yesterday (It's past 12 already) I arrived at ~9 pm in the dorm I could finally start reviewing my code.
Internet gets shut down at 10 pm.
* Opens project *
* Sees half a year old code *
* Fights urge to puke *
> (Alright I gotta do this. For the mark!)
* waits for gradle to index files *
* Remembers the fact that I haven't opened Android Studio in the last 2 months *
For those who don't develop with android studio: This is an equivalent to ~10k windows updates waiting to be installed
> (Well, gotta work with this kinda old version)
"gradle sync failed"
> ( Ok, just restart it. You're fine )
* Android Studio doesn't react anymore and/or renders *
* Waits 5 min *
* Restarts laptop *
* Android Studio is reacting again*
"gradle is synching"
9:45 pm: gradle is done and I can finally compile my app
* Sees App launched on phone *
* Almost pukes again *
> (This was the assigment for the UX chapter, so design doesn't matter)
UX is decent. Proceeds with testing stuff. Save paths work, but some bugs can be caused by going of it
* fixes as much as possible *
* Takes quick look at backend *
Date date = new Date (GregorianCalender.getInstance().getTimeInMillis());
C'mon, I asked you to be the backend. You got 90% of the methods already written by the teacher and had 2 months to write the interfaces to my Front end AND you come up with shits like that.
Note: this example is a minor example of brainlogic.exe
I did what I could to make improve my situation. Hopefully he doesn't discover the bugs. And If it's a backend bug then I could't care less, since that was not my job!
Wish me luck for today!9
I sometimes encounter developers who try to be serious all the time and be super rational at everything and have a pride in never smiling. One time my friend was crying and her dev boyfriend went like "I am a developer and I think rational, the way you think about X........." Dude shut the fuck up and hug her! Nobody gives a fuck about you being a RoboCop right now. The fact that you lack emphaty and emotional capacity doesnt make you a mighty god, it makes you a fucking asshole.4
What's the difference between a wasp and single loose hair?
Apparently none till the wasp stings :/
Yesterday I thought I had a loose hair on my neck.. ok, I shrug it off.. later again the creepy feeling.. shrugs off..
I continue to work, sumberged in code, wanting to find the fucker (bug, not the wasp/hair).. lean in to the monitor... 10 cents away from the screen... Ok, maybe that's it! Feels the hair on my back, near shoulderblades again... shrugging again more violently to get it further down to fall out.. nothing.. ok, got the bug, threw myslef back in the chair with substential force & BAAAAM!!! Motherfucking hair bit me!! O.o
I scream in horror & on top of the lungs (it was late, after work hours so I didn't expect anyone else still at the office) PROKLETA PRASICA (roughly translated to goddamn female swine).. I previously saw some green bug flying around the office and I thought that nasty thing bit me (didn't know they bite soo, much more horror for me).. O.o
Anyhow, I jump up from the computer and see my coworker looking at me all baffled.. I proceed to franticly take of my headphones and hoodie..thinking about wtf should I do now, I cannot get undressed in front of him (not for my sake, bra is the same as top of the bathing suit for me, but still..I don't want anyone suing me for impropper behaviour of undreasing in front of coworkers..), how the fuck should I get to the toilet?! O.o
C: Are you ok?!
M: Um.. sth bit me..wtf?!
C: There was a wasp flying around somewhere some time ago.. are you alergic?!
M: um..not sure, I don't think so..we'll see soon..
I proceed to the WC, to take off tshirt & check/kill off the fucker.. on my way there (walking funny to not press the hair to my body again) I got another surprise, another coworker was working late..
C2: Are you ok?! O.o
M: yeah, sth bit me, probably a wasp..
Ok, finally on the loo..ok, do not lock self in in case it escapes and you need help.. don't even shut the door. Check.. standing between the doors I contemplate on how the fuck should I take my tshirt off without angering the fucker even more and getting bitten again.. O.O
I lifted the tshirt up my back to let it out.. nope, not there..the creepy felling of buzzing around between my shoulder blades continues.. crap.. what to do?!
I stood there & contemplated the task.. ok, roll up the tshirt to the shoulder blades, not against the body (duh) to prevent further stings..tighten the fabric, so it cannot escape, quickly remove the band from the body.. done..reversed the tshirt and straightened it.. bzzz... Fucker fell somewhere.. Dafaq?! Was it really just a wasp?! If yes, no problem...but what if coworker was wrong and I got bitten by that nasty green whateveritsname bug?! Eeeeewwww! Is it poisonous? Gotta find it & kill it for good.. waited a bit, than saw a goddamn wasp crawl from under the toilet.. wasp!! Yess!! Stopm stomp fucker!!
I get dressed & go back to my desk..
C: Did you terminate it?!
M: Yup, fucker went on a toilet paper trip down the drain!!
I sit down, starting to get my headphones back on and proceed to work.., but before I could, one last gem:
C: CTO would say, thank god it didn't sting you in your finger cuz you wouldn't be able to type anymore..
M: O.O so true hahhahahaaa
Disclaimer - I like animals, but I freakking hate wasps..especially if they get under my tshirt to sting.. :/8
So we have this long term contractor that EVERY FUCKING TIME says MySQL meaning SQL Server... Like wtf dude? Shut the fuck up...5
After using StackOverflow for years, it makes me mad that the devRant community hates on it saying "i get downvotes", "people are assholes". But when you go ahead and see those questions, the Poster took less that 15 seconds to copy/paste their shitcode with poor indentation, no context, no question, no expectation description, and no result description.
YET, THEY DEMAND FREE HELP and for people willing to help, to BREAK THEIR FUCKING EYES reading your non indented and/or non preformatted crap of shitcode
Listen here you little shit, if you don't take at least fucking 5 minutes to let me know what the fuck are you trying to do, what the fuck have you tried, and what the FUCKING SHITFUCK you expected to happen, THEN DON'T GO RANTING LIKE A PRE-PUBERT GREASY KID ON WHY YOUR FUCKING QUESTION GOT DOWNVOTED.
The problem is YOU AND YOUR LACK OF CONSIDERATION TOWARDS OTHER DEVELOPERS, <BOLD>WHO ARE WILLING TO DO FIX YOUR SHITCODE FOR FREE</BOLD>
It took me a while to understand that, when I started posting years ago. But once I learned, it was extremely helpful.
SO SHUT THE FUCK UP, BE HUMBLE, AND WRITE A PROPER FUCKING QUESTION.
WHY AM I RANTING ABOUT THIS, YOU ASK? WELL SOME FUCKTARD JUST POSTED "java - if(Plot Number == booked)then change the color of CardViewBackground color and text color Recyclerview Android", AND THE FUCKING BODY IS JUST A COPY PASTE OF A SHITCODE JAVA CLASS.
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU EXPECT TO GET WITH THIS???
OOOOHHHHH BUT, I'M SURE AS FFFUUUCKKKK HE'S GOING TO CRY TO DEVRANT ABOUT HIS FUCKING QUESTION GETTING 3 DOWNVOTES.12
Oh my fucking god. Stop posting the same screenshot over and over again. Ok, a company tested in production. But please don't send me screenshots of that shit every goddamn few minutes you cunts. After seeing the same screenshot for 20 times I finally got it so shut the fuck up now.
And maybe you should not only think about bad software. Maybe you should remember who is using that shit8
I’m reluctant to comment on the github / Microsoft thing because to be honest, the way a lot of people are reacting to it is just completely retarded, and it’s had far too much airtime.
Anyway... if you’re gonna leave GitHub because they’ve been acquired by Microsoft, then just shut up and leave. No one gives a fuck. Least of all anyone at Microsoft, because you’re probably not paying for anything there anyway.
Just fucking go to bitbucket or gitlab already... however I bet the vast majority don’t end up leaving.4
Had a tinder "date" last night. Shit was just awkward the entire time. She lives right over a state border, and I live right on the other side, so it was maybe a 10 minute drive. Plus she had a bunny, so that was pretty cool.
She said she wasn't interested in a hookup or anything, which I was fine with, sex isn't everything. We saw the bunny for a bit, then she started talking about her abusive ex boyfriend she was with for like 2 years (she did not shut the fuck up about it).
She lives in a fairly sketchy place too, so that didn't help the situation. At one point, a car drives by and shined a flashlight through the window I was sitting by. The flashlight was turned off right after that. Then she continued talking about her ex boyfriend.
I held through for 3 hours of that shit. It was the most uncomfortable I have ever been in my life. Eventually she said her friend texted her about having boyfriend issues and invited herself over to stay the night there, so she basically said "you might as well go, I don't think you want to deal with a crying 16 year old"
So I went to my car and left. I drove as fast as I could back to my apartment. Then I was telling my roommate about it, and he was like "I think you need some alcohol after that shit", so I took a couple shots of vodka.
Shit was fucking weird guys.8
There was a time I made an update on one of our client's e-commerce website sign-up page. The update caused a bug that allowed new users to create an account without actually creating an account.
The code block meant to save user credentials (i.e email address and password) to the database was commented out for some reasons I still can't remember to this day. After registration new users had their session created just as normal but in reality they have no recorded account on the platform. This shit went on like this for a whole week affecting over 350 new customers before the devil sent me a DM.
I got a call from my boss on that weekend that some users who had made purchases recently can't access their account from a different device and cannot also update their password. Nobody likes duty calls on a weekend, I grudgingly and sluggishly opened up my PC to create a quick fix but when I saw what the problem was I shut down my PC immediately, I ran into the shower like I was being chased by a ghost, I kept screaming "what tha fuck! what tha fuck!!" cus I knew hell was about to break loose.
At that moment everything seemed off as if I could feel everything, I felt the water dripping down my spine, I could hear the tiniest of sound. I thought about the 350 new customers the client just lost, I imagined the raving anger on the face of my boss, I thought about how dumb my colleagues would think I was for such a stupid long running bug.
I wondered through all possible solutions that could save me from this embarrassment.
-- "If this shitty client would have just allowed us verify users email before usage things wouldn't have gotten to this extent"
-- "Should I call the customers to get their email address using their provided telephone?... No they'd think I'm a scammer"
-- "Should I tell my boss the database was hacked? Pffft hack my a**",
-- "Should I create a page for the affected users to re-verify their email address and password? No, some sessions may have expired"
-- "Or maybe this the best time to quit this f*ckn job!"
... Different thoughts from all four corners of the bathroom made it a really long bath. Finally, I decided it was best I told my boss what had happened. So I fixed the code, called my boss the next day and explained the situation on ground to him and yes he was furious. "What a silly mistake..!" he raged and raged. See me in my office by Monday.
That night felt longer than usual, I couldn't sleep properly. I felt pity for the client and I blamed it all on myself... yeah the "silly mistake", I could have been more careful.
Monday came boss wasn't at the office, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday not available. Next week he was around and when we both met the discussion was about a different project. I tried briefing him about last week incident, he seems not to recall and demands we focus on the current project.
However, over three hundred and fifty customers swept under the carpet courtesy of me. I still felt the guilt of that f*ck up till this day.1
Some time ago I quit my job at a big corporation. Getting treated like a resource, a production line robot, just isn't for me.
My current job is way better. Small company, lots of freedom, getting to work on multiple projects, the result counts. But, as a small company, we also collaborate with big corporations. So I joined a team at one.
Watching my coworkers there, I'm reminded of robots again. Lunch break? 15 minutes tops. Just shovel some edibles into your face hole and back to work. Five minutes break between meetings? Open laptop, work work work. The concept of "needing rest" seems entirely foreign to them.
Yesterday our product owner "relayed some criticism" from other team members to me. Apparently, me going to the toilet in breaks is "suddenly disappearing". Or me not replying within 15 minutes in the chat is outrageous. And then he tried to berate me how I'm "his developer" and his team's tasks have top priority. So, according to the PO the problem is me and I should "get used to their mode of operation".
How about "no". I quit a fucking job because that "mode" is simply inhuman. After that feedback, you bet I'm taking my legally protected 30 minutes lunch break and any other break I can. Because fuck yourself, you're not going to burn me out. The best part, that team has smokers who "suddenly disappear" twice as much as I do, but apparently that's somehow a-ok.
I had to remind him that his project is just one of several I'm working on, so no, not "his dev". While that wasn't exactly a powerful comeback, it did shut him up. Still going to talk to my boss on Monday, at least to ensure that the PO can't talk shit about me behind my back.4
Everytime someone compliments me on my work all I can't think of is:
- ok,ok, shut the fuck up and give me a raise already.5
Front end bois, listen that carefully.
YOU DONT FUCKIN TELL THE BACKEND HOW TO ACCEPT REQUESTS.
Backend creates the fuckin methods, the parameters and the responses, AND YOU FUCKIN ADAPT TO IT.
This guy at my work, we are both from Uni but i picked backend because i suck at frontend and i like using backend languages, sends me a message and tells me he can't make the project work.
At this time i have almost finished my part, i have made the method, have checked that they work, and i closed the work computer.
And now he tells me he wants to make a GET request instead of POST. LISTEN HERE MOTHERFUCKER. The methods are ready, adapt to them and shut the fuck up.
And before you tell me some methods don't work, make fuckin sure your part is correct because if i boot up the work laptop again to check why the method you have told me doesn't work, and it still does the job it was intented to do but you can't fix your part, i will fuckin cut your throat.
I do my part, and have to study for uni exams, since you don't have to because you have passed them, do your self a favor and fuckin learn to do things.
It's not my fault that i got experience on my own while you were just only doing our uni retarded projects and didn't bother to learn anything on your own.
I don't mean by any needs that i'm better than you but fuckin accept that i have learned something else that you have not and i would like to share the knowledge with you since you didn't bother.14
Someone should write a really infectious virus for Linux to make all the fanboys shut the fuck up about security.11
OmG I haTeZ WhEn PIp0L tHinK I Am A haCk3R bIcoZ of My trMinAl Lib mi alone! XOXOX
shut the fuck up.19
*Whenever there's a big hacking thing that happened in cyberspace and the media gets the footage*
"Hey! You! you the website developer. Can you like get a hoodie and smash the keyboard."
"Big virus leak"
"But that's not ha.."
"SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET THE HOODIE ALREADY"5
Getting told that technology is bullshit and that humans have forgotten how to interact with each other (meaning being social) by people from the same age bracket that throw a fit because they can't use said technology is both hilarious and infuriating.
Seriously, aren't these old farts more concerned with things such as starbucks not putting "merry Christmas" on their fucking red cups? Am I supposed to take their shit seriously? No the fuck I am not, and neither should you.
If your old ass can't work how your fucking smartphone works, or have a haaaaard time trying to select Netflix from your smart tv app selection then the problem is not my generation. Its your dumbass for not keeping up.
Its fine if you don't want to use technology, fuck if I care. But you ain't winning this shit because of your preferences regarding technology.
Also, telling me that I am wrong for wearing my headphones at the gym to shut people off. Wtf dude, not everyone wants to fucking talk to others all the time, specially during gym time. I am there to work out and get sexy af, not to ask you how your fucking day went, I don't know u, i don't want to know you, you already showed me how fucking close minded and uninteresting you can be, why the fuck should I give that shit a chance?
Fuck outta here with that shit. He went on to tell me that software is made by people with 0 social skills. Booooooy I would have your granddaughter(she is my age) any day of the fucking week and you can tell me if we lack "social skills"
A colleague approached me today and said - "Why are we using Linux? Windows server is clearly better. We need to migrate our infrastructure"
I'm generally not someone who gets too caught up in opinion - but shut the fuck up. There is no way we're going to adopt Windows server because it has a GUI and you're too shit to learn how to use a console.23
Your daddy Johnny is pissed off again.
My therapist advised me to do some things for myself after I told her that I'm finding the simplest tasks overwhelming again. This is after a month of studying, coding, and working on some personal projects on my free time. I thought "Fine, I'll buy new clothes since I have very few of them and also get a massage."
But guess what these activities involved? People. I went to the mall and some attention-seekers yell at a high-pitched tone when their dumbass friend taps them on the shoulder. Then goes the screaming match "AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH" because they saw their friends. OMG. FRIENDSHIP! So exciting! Let's scream in public for absolutely no fucking reason because it feels so damn good when everyone turns around to look at our ugly asses.
I went to a shop and two women are talking in the most annoying fucking made-up accent I've ever heard. If you want to know, social distancing is no more than a suggestion at this point. I go to the fitting room and same women are talking loudly in that curly, rich-wannabe, bitch accent. "Emergeeeeeeerd, you lost so much weiiiight!" Then another ugly fuck man joins them and they start screaming flirtatiously, "Emergeeeeeeeerd, why are you heyyre?! Geit outttttuh! Ugh." In my head, "My pussesyyyy is so wet rightt now and my labia flaps are as green as my haeeirrrr!"
I tried to finish the day off by having some tiramisu pancake in this Japanese shop, to make up with the stress of having to co-exist with these people. Two girls sat at the table near me and started talking loudly again but some dumbass gossip. There is no way not to hear the shit they're talking about. I thought about wearing a headset but then I'd hear myself chew. Classic gossip about some other girl they know being a slut and some guy they know who is cheating on his girlfriend plus the casual sexism, "He doesn't know 'cause he's a guy." Non-stop "he's just a guy" bullshit.
I didn't finish my meal, went home, and decided that I should stick to online shopping and food deliveries. I know it's considered healthier to get out every now and then but not in this fucking country. Then I went to go get that massage in my favorite massage place. Guess fucking what? Two couples went in and started chatting and laughing loudly. Keep in mind, there are signs everywhere "Please observe silence" and it's a fucking massage place where people go to relax in peace with just the relaxing music.
Again, another set of stupid goddam gossip that just can't wait for a fucking hour. Even my therapist got pissed up and started shushing them. She did that three times and they started whispering but you can still hear it. Fucking hell, you bitches can't keep your mouth shut for a fucking minute. You have nothing of importance to say and you just ruin everyone's day. You are inconsiderate and you're all a bunch of uncivilized fuckwits.
How fucking ironic that these activities that are supposed to relax me just reminded me of the reason I was burning myself out in the first place and why I hate, hate, absolutely hate going out or doing anything that involves people.
Fuck you all. I'll get a massage at home. I'll fucking do everything at home. I can't stand you annoying fucks.24
I had the perfect opportunity to finally do some hobby project coding: a 6 hour fight.
I take my fucking expensive laptop out of my bag, it's hot as fuck. FACKING WINDOWS 10 didn't shut down properly, took up ALL battery (which usually lasts ~12 hours). FACKING waste of 6 hours of private time. FUCK WINDOWS 10. FACK. I am now about to embark on 6 hours of boredom. FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT OS7
Our school like:
School: hey everyone! Today we are learning java.
We: But we can Java and we already read the whole book
School: So ok! Let's do Java for 4 months!
We: What the... c'mon that makes no sense!
*After 4 months*
School: So class lets write a exam in java!
We: oh boy! this is nice!
School: Open your VM!
*Everyone started theyr VM and opened Eclipse*
School: Aaaaand now open NetBeans!
We: Holy Moly Crap! Really? why?
School: because...because...because...fuck off! we dont know...but it stands on the fucking exam so shut the fuck up u little crap!11
After doing the work he requested as he wanted he was not happy. So i thought we sit and discuss what he didn't like. I was so wrong.
Boss: "...you know what I think you are: a fraud; Masquerading as a developer. The database design you have given is shit. The template I gave you I did in 1 hour. You took half the day."
He gave a simple template to use and he told me to come up with an ecommerce db design via downloading PrestaShop and seeing what is relevant to us.
Me: "what did I do wrong?"
Boss: "you think I don't know what PK means in database design? Why the fuck did you put this here."
Me: "can I expl..."
Boss: "I'm not finished, you been here half the month and what work have you to show for it..."
Me: "I have..."
Boss: "You shut up when I can speaking"
Boss: "You have no work to show for the time you have been here. I tell you what to do. I want someone who is proactive. My friend, you will do the work I tell you to do, you understand?"
Me: "yes but can I just say that I have been doing your work I have the contact the various developers as you..."
Boss: " You shut up when your boss is speaking. Can you do this work? (Slightly long pause)
Me: "I can do it. But, I have done the bits of the work you said I do. I was h..."
Boss "don't give me bullshit stories...you haven't done the work..."
Me: "But you have spoken"
Boss:" You know what Im giving you 1 weeks notice if you are not able to do the work. Can you do it?"
That moment!!! I was literally shaking I could have high fived his face with his laptop.
Me: "yes I can"
Boss: "Then get the fuck out of my sight and do it"8
HAVE YOU JUST TRIED TO BARGAIN ON MY ESTIMATE?!
I really hate when people try to bargain on my estimates. It's done when I say so. I really think it through before I tell you the deadline, so GO FUCK YOURSELF PLEASE AND SHUT THE FUCK UP. NEVER EVER BARGAIN ON THAT AGAIN.
If you do, it will take one week longer for every time you try it.7
Why do people say "Well, I don't know about that" to voice disagreement?
If you admit your own naivety on a subject compared to your peers, if you admit that you do not have the required knowledge to have formed an opinion, how can you disagree?
So it can either be expressed with genuine innocence, like 'Well, I don't know about that, tell me more!', which is never the case.
Or it means "Well I don't know anything about that... and I'm ashamed of the fact that I can't find any counter argument, so I refuse to trust your fucking expertise, shut the fuck up until I give you the right to voice your knowledge"
Which is a bit rude.
Now that we're on the topic of annoying expressions and platitudes...
"It's not rocket science" -- Rocket science, understanding how a rocket works, is surprisingly simple. You fill a cylinder with fuel and oxygen, add a pump or two, put some sparks underneath. Chemical reaction equals energy, direct energetic particles using a nozzle, Newton's first law does the rest. It's so simple that people don't actually study rocket science. They study aerospace engineering, or astrodynamics, which are difficult topics.
So if someone says "Devops is not rocket science", they're right, but for the wrong reason. It's actually harder than rocket science. Maybe easier than developing thermal protection system materials or solving n-body orbital problems with a slide ruler though.
"Great minds think alike" -- No, great minds actually think creatively and generate unique thoughts, if two minds think alike, the solution was just fucking obvious.
"Don't reinvent the wheel" -- First of all, pretty much nothing in code looks or even remotely functions like a simple wheel. Even metaphorically, all existing code equates to oval or square wheels. If you said "Hey, don't bother making better wheels, I like my ride to be bumpy because it stimulates my asshole", say no more, who am I to come between a product manager and their anal stimulation.
Anyway, those were four coworkers who I would've strangled with an Ethernet cable if it weren't for a certain pandemic and the risk of infection which comes with choke-coughing.
What are your linguistic pet peeves you get homicidal over?31
"Eww that is not Dev-related!"
Shut the fuck up. For me, devRant is a social media for developers and not a social media about only dev-related shit.
"devRant is a fun community for developers to share and bond over their successes and frustrations with code, tech, and life as a programmer!"
"about code, tech and *life*"
For fucks sake... Stop crying around and just dislike it if you don't want it.7
Motherfucker, every fucking meeting on this project we have a fucking 3 week deadline to accomplish the fucking impossible.
And now they practically want me to rewrite the whole fucking application.
And my fucking boss can't fucking shut the fuck up and keep having "ideas" on new thing.
YEU FUKCING STUPID PIECES OF SHIT!!! HOW CAN WE ADD SHIT WHEN EVERYTHING IS HALF ASSED BECAUSE WE DONT STOP ADDING SHIT? FUCK YOU!7
Ah the classic meeting terrorist....
Us: "These emails are working."
Rando customer on conf call: "No they aren't, I haven't seen any of these emails."
Us: "Is your email on the list?"
Rando customer on conf call: "No."
Yeah fuck you.
The rest of us are paying attention here, can you please shut the fuck up on the meeting.1
I am DONE with this woman.
Background: we're a team of 3 developers and I'm the junior in this team and I've been in this shit for a year now. 2 months ago the team leader left for another project and I had to stand in for him in every responsibility against the PM and other teams.
Now I not only had to endure this insecure woman but I was also supposed to work with her! Fast-forward to today, the team leader is back and I thought I could put my headphones on and work peacefully at last.
I've found out she's sent a faulty code to production - no big deal - and said that over chat (although she's sitting right behind me):
Me: We need to fix this.
Me: *giving some details about the issue*
Her: Your attitude is important when you ask me to do something. Whenever you're writing to me you're typing on your keyboard like you're going to break it on my head.
*me not knowing what to say at this point because we had something stupid like this before*
Me: So you're offended by the sound my keyboard makes? (I have mx brown switches by the way and they're not even loud)
Her: No you're typing too fast when you're writing to me. The sound echoes in the office.
Can you fucking believe this shit? I hate people that think they can educate me but have no idea how to rationally respond to situations and take responsibility! I didn't even say anything!
And she's been saying to me she hadn't had a problem with any other people for gazillion years who knows how long and why would she cause a problem now! And thinks I am the problem, fuck YOU!
Since you don't like receiving orders why hadn't you taken the place when the fucking guy went for another project but I had to take all the responsibility? I know why you fucking entitled bitch.
Because you HAD NO IDEA AND YOU STILL DON'T.
So shut the fuck up and do as I say.
OK< been a long time user of Unity.
Tried the latest update as I and others were enthusiastic about creating a joint project of gamers and developers.
As I was building up a started website and we were getting things with Unity ready...BOOM,. They Fuck up the installs.
Not just a minor thing here or there but not finding its own Fucking file locations where it installs shit. You try and say, Hey Unity you fucking twat, install here in this folder.
Boom again, it installs part of it there, and then continues installing shit everywhere else it wants to. Then the assholes at Unity give this Bullshit claim "the bug has been fixed."
Fuck you, its never that simple, You have to delete all sorts of fucking files to make sure conflicts from a previous corruption isn't just loaded on top of so it does not fuck up later.
So we did all that from programs, program data, program(x86), AppData Local, Local Low, and Roaming.
For added measure we manually removed all the crap from the registry folders (that was a pain but necessary), and then ran a cleaner to make sure all the left over shit was gone.
Thinking, OK you shit tech MoFo's we are clean and here we go.
HOLY SHIT BALLS, Its fucking worse with the LTS version it recommends and Slow as Fuck with their most recent version which is like 2020 itself, and insane piece of fucking bloated garbage and slower than a brick hard shit without fruit.
So we were going to all go post on the forums, and complain the fix section isn't fixed for shit.
Fuck us running backwards naked through a field of razor grass. Its so overloaded with complaints that they shut down further posts.
What makes this shit worse is we cannot even get the previous fucking versions of the editor before all this to work where our only option is without using the fucking Hub demand is just install 2018.
great if we started coding and testing in that. We cannot get shit where we were at back on track because you cannot fucking backward load an exported saved asset file.
Unity's suggestion? Start over.
Our Suggestion? Stop fucking smoking or using whatever fucking drug you assholes are on, you fucking disabled the gear options so we can resolve shit ourselves, and admit you did that shit and other sneaky piece of shit back stabby, security vulnerable data leak bullshit things to your end users.
Listen to your fucking experienced and long time users and get rid of the Fucking backward stepped hub piece of shit everyone with more brains than whatever piss ant pieces of shit praised that the rest of us have hated from day fucking one!
And while fixing this shit like it should be fucking fixed if you shit head bastards want to continue to exist as a fucking company, overhaul the fucking website or get the fuck out of business with now completely worthless SHIT.
Suffice it to say....
We are now considering dealing with the learning curve and post pone our project going with unreal just because of these all around complete fuck ups that herald back to shit games of versions 3.0 and earlier.10
Some more of Stux's !dev pet peeves
1) Teenagers who comment shit like "I'm from the wrong generation" or "today's music is trash. This is real music" on songs from like the 70s and 80s. Like shut the fuck up. You can like whatever music you want, but your taste in music doesn't make you unique, so just shut the fuck up and listen to the music. I was jamming out to 70s and 80s when I was 9, so you aren't the first to enjoy older music at a young age
2) "Old heads" who comment shit like "this isn't real *genre*" on a new song that isnt like the older version of that genre. News flash: music fucking evolves. Just because that country song doesn't have a twangy guitar in it, that doesn't mean the song ain't country. Just because the rap song ain't some deep ass poetic shit, it doesn't make it any less of a rap song.
3) People who edit their comments on YouTube to say shit like "wow thanks for all the likes, I wasn't expecting this." Wooptie fucking doo. Your comment got a few thousand likes. Fun fact: those likes are meaningless.
4) Humidity. Fuck that shit man.
5) General education classes. They're a fucking pain in the ass man. Like im 98% confident I don't need art history in the real world. Or mythology. "tHeY tEaCh YoU tO lEaRn." Teach me to learn in degree specific classes then. At least their content will be interesting to me.
My name is Stuxnet. Thanks for coming to my TED talk again.20
i fucking hate when people just make tutorials with powerpoint slides explaining and talking for hours ughhhhh just shut the fuck up and show me the fucking code u fuckin mouth fucker6
I don't understand why people are making a fuss about Facebook.
It's free to use, the amount of users kept increasing (thus the cost of maintenance) yet the company kept getting bigger and bigger. Obviously they're not making all their money off the advertisements on Facebook's own website.
So why are people so surprised that they're "selling" user information?
This is really funny to me. Especially the media joining in saying that it makes all your information available to everybody when they're actually talking about the fact that the majority of Facebook users have their profile set to public and they can be easily found with a simple Google search.
People are so fucking hypocritical it makes me want to puke. If you don't want anybody to know what you posted, just don't fucking post it on a SOCIAL MEDIA in the first place.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that facebook is all flowers and love, they clearly didn't handle this situation well. They could have done something about this whole situation when it started instead of waiting for things to blow out of proportion.
However, people are just being assholes now. I highly doubt that they're reading all chats nor are they sending it over, they're probably just sending out some words you mention often so that it is pertinent for advertisers (ex. If you use the word computer next to buy, then maybe that triggers something). I could talk extensively about it but I'm way too lazy, the point is, they most likely aren't sending the nudes you sent to advertisers because that does not provide any benefits.
If you don't like Facebook, don't fucking use it. Delete your account and shut the fuck up. When you screw up in real life, there's no takesies backsies, why the fuck do people think it doesn't apply online? The government gathers up quite a lot of information on you yet I don't see you crying your eyes out.
Why the fuck do you care so much if an advertisement is tailored to specifically? Yeah, you talked about dildos and now you see dildo ads from Amazon, not happy? Just download adblock and shut up. If you're gullible and the moment you see an ad about single women in your area you click on the ad because you want to get laid right now, that's your problem.
Don't want people knowing about some aspects of your private life? Don't share it online.
Stop acting like people are any better at keeping secrets, I'm sure you had some people leak your secrets at least once, yet I doubt you sued them and you brought them to court.
I'm sorry about this, it's just that Facebook is all over the news and I'm getting sick of it.
Also, I hate facebook, I'm not necessarily defending it, I'm more pissed at the medias for blowing this situation out of proportion.22
Oh yeah that shouldn't take too long right? I mean it's just the front end.
No shut your fucking dumb ass mouth up. It will take long. The front end is very complicated, and your stupid fucking ass who couldn't learn to code is in no position to estimate how long it will take. Do us all a favor and stick to the "business" side. Fucking incompetent idiot.
If you're not a programmer, when it comes to estimating how long a task will take. Just shut the fuck up. Just cause you work in this industry does not qualify you to estimate a task. Just shut the fuck up.1
You know what really grinds my gears? When new employees start shouting out suggestions of what feature we should do.. and how stupid this/that thing now.. or how slow that page is.. or how there's a bug somewhere.
WHAT WOULD'VE WE DONE WITHOUT YOUR OPINION?! thank you so much!!!
+10 points if their job has nothing to do with product or development
SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP
Got asked into a meeting to give my opinions on the security about software that might be used to implement a web app.
After 20 minutes of listening to bullshit that wasn't even my concern they got into databases and I was constantly talked down, by people who know shit about tech, about the professional use of PostgreSQL and they only did shut the fuck up when I compared their "important business" to Facebook using MySQL.
Come on... Stop talking down about shit you know nothing about.3
The Cloud Of Bullshit
Every day I wake, and I think of my one true mission in life. To mock and ridicule paint huffing idiots. Something recently that drew my ire, like the hemorrhoids on my ass is this idea of 'the cloud', THE CLOUD and the buzzword lingo-bingo bullshit that providers use to hype and sell it.
For example, airtable is an amazing service. I love that I can insert just about anything into a row, create any of my own row datatypes, that it's flexible as all hell.
I love it.
And I hate that I'm essentially locked in to the cloud.
I fucking hate how if my internet goes down (thanks you pie eating inbred dipshits at comcast) I have no access.
If the company is bought, they'll shut down like all the rest , to be "relaunched at a later time" (or never).
I hate that if the company doesn't make enough money, or it's investors change their mind, woopsie, service is shut down.
I hate that the cloud is synonymous with massive data leaks and IOT-levels of stupidity in security practices.
Every time someone says "but its in the cloud! Isn't it amazing!"
I always think 1. YEAH IF IM AN INVESTOR I GET TO MILK LOW BROW FINGER PAINTING FUCKWITS EVERY MONTH like Adobe sucking the blood from infants who are still in college.
2. Why? So I can get locked into their platform, have them segment off previously free features (fucking youtube and the 'subscribe so you can continue playing audio with your screen off' bullshit), and then have fees increase month over month?
3. Why, so every four years during the presidential selection, if I piss off some fuckstick braindead lemming literally sucking his girlfriends BFs cock, they can potentially shut me out from my own data completely?
The Cloud is built on shit-colored hype sold to knob gobbling idiots, controlling idiots, profiting at the expense of idiots, and later fucking them for buyout payola. The Cloud is a Cloud of Bullshit shat out by huckster messiahs straight into the lapping mouths of fanatics worshiping slavishly like toilet drinking scum at the porcelain alter of a neon god, invisible, untouchable, and like a spigot, easily shut off without anyone noticing. And when it happens, I'll be there, shouting "WHERE IS YOUR CLOUD NOW?"
Native any day. 100% native or I don't fucking want it
None of this node.js-gone-native bullshit either with notetaking apps taking up hundreds of megabytes of ram, where everything is bootstrap or react, in a browser, in a window container, because people are so fucking incompetent we have to hold their hand WHILE they give themselves a reach around.
Native or nothing.
For my favorite notetaking app, I use Microsoft OneNote. "OH god, a heathen, quick, stick his body up on a stake!"
But hear me out. I'll be the first one in a crowd to kick bill gates in the nuts (not because I particularly hate microsoft, just because I think hes kind of a cunt).
So when I say onenote is good, I really fucking mean it. Sure they did some cunty things like 'dumbed down' the interface, and cut out some options. But you know what they can't do?
Shut down the damn service (short of a system update completely removing the whole app, which, frankly, wouldn't surprise me).
It's so god damn good it waxed my balls, cured my cancer, fixed my relationship with my father, found my long lost brother, and replaced ALL my irl notebooks.
It's so good that if it was cocaine I'd be hospitalized for overusing it.
So god damn good it didn't just replace all my notebooks, it even replaced and sped up my mockup process three to five times. Want layers?
Built in. Just drag an image on to the notebook to import instantly.
Want to rearrange layers? Right click select "send forward/back/bring to front/send to back".
Everything snaps to grid by default and is easily resizeable.
I had all the elements for a UI sliced and diced. Wanted to try a bunch of layouts. Was gonna take me two damn days.
Did it in three hours with the notebook features of onenote.
After I started using onenote, me and my bodypillow finally conceived even.
Sweet marries mammaries I just fucking jizzed. Thank you onenote.
P.s. It really did speed up my UI design, allows annotated images, highlighted text. Shit, it can even do kanban.
And all I can think is "good job microsoft making an awesome product for free, being dumb as fuck for not charging for it, and then not marketing it at ALL."
It was sheer fucking luck that I discovered it while was I was looking for vendor STD bloatware to blast off my new install.
OneNote: Worth a try even for the kick-gates-in-the-nuts fan club.
The cloud can suck my balls.18
How to clean the new Macbook Pro ->
- Clean outside
- Open MacBook
- Mac boots up, fuck
- Shut mac down
- Clean the keyboard
- Accidently boot it up using Touch ID while cleaning inner aluminum, fuck
- Shut mac down again, because haven't done touchpad and screen yet
- Clean remaining parts
- Boot mac up
One of my biggest pet peeves is when I see people say shit like "fix it now" when a bug pops up.
Like bitch go fix it since you're such a fucking intelligent individual. You can't? Well then, shut the fuck up and let them fix it. They're human too, ya know2
"It's so hard to find someone to have an intellectual conversation with. I love philosophy but no one at work understands me."
Their philosophy: "sOmEtImEs pEoPlE cHaNgE.."
SHUT the fuck up.7
JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DONT TOUCH ANYTHING FUCKING IDIOT!
Changes my code while I’m in holidays, deletes the tests that fail and pushes it to master. No backwards compatibility or anything..
Now I can spend a week to revert all his changes because they break lots of stuff and pray that he didn’t mess up the data too much..9
This will definitely trigger some people.
New smartphone releases aren't 'tech news'.
An implementation of a technology ripped off from other devices (GPS, VR etc..) isn't 'tech news', it's just implementation of an existing technology.
So please, everyone who reads the self-called 'tech news' to look for a new phone release to waste money on - stop calling yourself a 'tech geek' - "Oh my god, I'm such a tech geek, it's embarrassing - this new iPhone was released and I just couldn't wait to get spend my money on it".
Just shut the fuck up - you are willingly dragging a tracking device everywhere you go and you are PAYING for it to look cool and be full of features you won't even fucking use.10
After seeing this "old" picture I want to let know at the guyz who are in love with AMD that before Ryzen(s) I was able to cook my fuckin' breakfast's eggs on their fuckin' CPUs.
Big mistakes brings to great solutions and shut up the fuck up AMD, probably your core code is full of vulnerabilities but no one cares about your ultra threads architecture.23
"how did you make that app?"
"nice website, how'd you make it?"
"I thought only geniuses could make x? how'd you make x?"
maybe because I put in half a fucking ounce of effort into making it. please kindly shut the fuck up and realize that I don't care enough to tell you how I did it, because it would take more fucking effort to tell you than to walk away (surprise?). no I will not take your idea in consideration. why? because it's not worth fucking considering. go fuck yourself. and don't ask me the same thing tomorrow you cunt.6
I was called back into work last night at 4 a.m.
(L)user - *anony* I’m sorry to wake you but I’m needing on the internet and I can’t get out.
**Just installed a new firewall and I haven’t had time to get a trusted cert pushed through**
Me - alright I’ll be there in a second.
After rolling my sweet ass out of bed and getting here, I get her through and leave. When I get back to my house I realize I’d forgot my fucking keys... I come back and the bitch has her computer shut down reading a book and isn’t even using the internet...
Me - I thought you needed on the internet, whys your computer shut down...?
Her - Oh, I don’t need it right now, I was just having trouble getting on is all.
FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FUCK! This is the SAME fucking (l)user that somehow managed to get the fucking toner stuck backwards in a printer. It’s the same girl that has called me in the past at late hours and requested that I move a chair from one patient room to the other. A fucking chair. I’m not in the maintenance department... so first, you’re calling the wrong department and second; the time it took you to call me you yourself could have fucking done it. She didn’t like the way that call ended.
Although partially my fault, if I would have finished everything I wouldn’t have had to get up but shit... this fuck still deserves a chair to the fucking face.3
My idiot boss keeps coming up to me and asks "How far along?" every hour. Shut the fuck up you asshole let me work for some time undisturbed before you poke you non technical nose and ask me that dumb question!!!4
In my unenlightened youth, when programming was a module in my college diploma that didn't seem to be taking me where I wanted to go, I had a couple of guys guy in my class that could arguably be the weird ones.
Jonny, although he asserted that he was to be called "Jonhty", whatever, we never did. He was pretty much top of the high school food chain and for some reason elected to study computer science, none of us was prepared to put up with his shit. He was always boasting about some fanciful claim or another, famously entering the classroom and exclaiming he'd "fucked an absolute milf" and seemed somewhat evasive about the answer, turns out he was 17 and she was 35, the age difference was greater than his own age. We burst out laughing. He would also turn up late and state the college bus was late (it wasn't I got the free bus every day, he'd just not got out his wanking chariot early enough).
One valentine's day we got him a card from a mysterious stranger which was accompanied by a package containing a cucumber and Vaseline, the inside of the card read "to assist you in the following request: please go fuck yourself".
Before you think we were being unduly harsh, we had a centre table where we'd be taught from with computers around the outer rim of the room. He'd come up behind people while at the centre desk, quietly press ctrl+P and slowly walk back to the printer. I saw him do it to my machine and I got to the printer first, to which he shouted "that's MY work" which was amusing because unbeknownst to him I had put headers on all my documents so he really didn't have an answer for why my name was at the top of every page.
To top it all off he had dead eyes, there didn't appear to be much going on but the rent, there was no spark of intelligent life, and while I thought it, I never said it out loud, but other students did and I had to agree. He was just copying his way to graduation. However, he ultimately didn't graduate when people refused to allow him to copy.
Another guy, Richard I believe his name was, which is just as well because he was a right dick. In the UK our word for white trash is "chav" (that's a very naïve explanation for it but that's another rant best left for "socialsciencerant") and he was an complete idiot who was gifted with more brain cells than he ever needed to use. He actually studied hard and got reasonable grades, probably on par with me, but he boasted about smoking weed all the time, he was forever playing dark side of the moon via his loud mp3 player. I kinda left him alone generally until he was high in class one time and while we we're watching a documentary he'd shake my chair and make a weird noise in my ear every few minutes, the first couple of times startled me, the remaining multi-dozen times pissed me off.
It all came to a head with this guy when I'd been hearing about his uninteresting bs on drugs, music and how best to spend my time ("you need to lighten up man, come round my house, take a joint and relax man", that sorta thing), well this guy walked like he was mid way through shitting himself so I personally think that perhaps he is too chilled. Anyway he's arguing with me and after the exchange of him making his point, me disagreeing and expecting the end of it, he made the mistake of saying two words to me:
And I had him in check mate.
"Listen, I ain't your fucking mate , I don't even like you, you're a disruptive annoying twat that thinks he knows it all, we're all 17, none of us know anything, so shut the fuck up, sit the fuck down and stop boring me with your drugs, I ain't interested, and for the record I think pink Floyd ruined prog rock!"
He looked at me with sad puppy dog eyes, and started with the "but, why?", However I was interrupted and had to leave the class for unrelated reasons, I returned to be told he'd put safety pins up right on my chair so I'd sit on them, and mutual friends who TD me I'd been cruel and that he doesn't was hurt, so I should apologize, he overheard and said he was sorry for bring a bit of a dick.
However, you just know when you don't get on with someone? Yeah, that. So I said I wasn't sorry for what I said, for while it was harsh, I am not his mate, nor did I want to be his mate and that was all I had to say on the subject, and that if he wants to take offensive to a nobody not liking him then he's in for a very rough time in life.
Unsurprisingly I don't keep in touch with anyone from college!2
I've lost all fucking motivation to do anything at the moment.
Fuck not even gaming is much fun anymore.
Also amazing that I have so little time on Mondays that I can't even eat properly.
Literally living on caffeine, a spoonful of, like, porridge and water on Mondays.
And of course the nice bistro is closed on Mondays.
Then there is that motherfucker of person at school that just randomly starts sharing weird ass details with you and promptly started to break out in tears when she failed maths today.
Like fucking hell, then for some reason the same person fucks up everything in her volleyball group by literally doing nothing and complains when she gets hit by a fucking volleyball, like, she doesn't even attempt to dodge it catch it.
So much for that fuckery.
Then there's these little brats that just completely play asshole and are being jackasses to everyone including upperclassmen and teachers.
Grab em by the throat and fucking put them in a toilet.
Literally the reason why our school is generally known as the 'Drecksloch', literally dirt hole.
The fucking volume is driving me batshit insane in school to the point where I just start yelling at people.
Fucking kids, it literally doesn't cost you shit to just shut the fuck up.
Okay, vent over.
Sorry for that.13
Scrum. And agile. And people over-communicating. And estimating work complexity on a prototype. And people in general. I like nights, when all annoying people just shut the fuck up and sleep.1
You know how, sometimes, you start being tooooo proactive and implement stuff even though your boss never told you to do it? Well, that happened at my previous job, and apparently almost everyone at the team questioned the changes and made me look like the fool I was. That day, I learned that you should never implement stuff that wasn't asked... And it was humbling, since I was an arrogant fuck and basically I was speaking loudly and denied the criticism... But today, I'm better, I know how and when to shut up, and I accept criticism now.2
What is up with people asking for help and then immediately getting pissy like the first fuckin thing you say?
Shut the fuck up and let me help you, damn.10
1) That loud ass mother fucker sitting besides me, shut the fuck up.
2) Air motherfucking condition turned all the way to the max makes me horny and want to fuck your motherboard.
3) Illiterate assholes writing code without any comments and half assed function name just to look cool when we approach them for doubts.
4) Onsite motherfuckers enjoying their lives, taking photos of it and posting it in a monthly magazine while we s(h)it behind the fucking systems all day.
Thank-fucking-you, y'all can die suffocating in your own smelly dierraea poop.6
Parents had asked me to assemble some furniture, fix the pc and so some other "brain" work
Me: *Stops to check something in the manual*
Parents: Are you stuck? Maybe try assembling the door upside down
Me: No, it is the right way
Parents: *Ramble, ramble*
Me: Just let me work, shut the hell up
Me: *Checks cables, checks logs, ect*
Parents: Maybe it is the problem with (insert random tech word there)?
Parents: W h y?
Me: Let me finish, it isnt that, (tech word) isnt even correlated to that
Parents: But, but, you never talk to me... (ramble ramble)
Me: Get the hell outta the room
*Argumemt breaks out*
Me: *Finnaly manages to fix it after the heated argument*
Me: I finished, everything works
Parents: Great, but you are mean
Me: I managed to finish the work in 15 min, you dont even have enough strengh to call for a specialist, (but knowing me i wouldnt allow it anyway because a lot of them make a poor job), so in order to make it properly and to relieve you from learning how to fucking google i want you to stay out of this so i can just finish my job. Your interruptions waste time and i dont need your help at all. Everytime you tried to fix stuff you always managed to fuck shit up when you tried to do anything.
Me: SHUT THE FUCK UP, LEAVE MY ROOM
Parents: *Leave the room*
1h later i get 25$ for the job perfectly done
Sometime i wish they were tech independent, so i can save my sanity and time but money is nice.
If anybody tries to argue that i should respect them:
I tried talking to them nicely countless times through years, but they always force themself to a project and they always fuck shit up because of it. I tried telling them about my problems and they tried helping me but after it didnt work they retured to the old: "it is the pc fault" and similar. Even if they couldnt help me i juat wanted them to understand my situation, but no that didnt happened.
First i fix my life then i will fix the relationship
But but greeeeeg, relationships should be cared for always!
Eat shit. There is time for family and there is time for me especialy when my life can suddenly colapse due to my problems.5
Am I the only one that thinks it's extremely fucking stupid that the software engineering industry is simultaneously experiencing a "shortage of talent" and maintaining the same ATS that filters legitimate talent just because the resume doesn't fit keyword specifications?
We see it every day. People with years of experience that should never be allowed to touch important code. People with little to no experience that learn fast and perform well. Fuck years of experience being the only thing some recruiters see.
"We generally don't hire people with less than 3 years experience" shut your fucking mouth. Ridiculous. You hire people out of college, don't lie to my face.
Oh and don't even get me started on how many people fabricate their industry experience and get interviews from it. That's what happens when recruitment patterns fail to catch up to an industry that increasingly trains people better up front, and in shorter time periods, and values skills that ATS doesn't give a shit about.
Crazy idea: make job applications test problem solving competency instead of weeding out quality candidates.
Job searching is frustrating.3
Front-end dev trying to dictate back-end tech.
We are gonna start split stack (front / back ) development with the following projects and this stupid fucker who knows jackshit about backend , servers, etc... , is more versed in front end stuff and said herself that she knows nothing about databases told me this:
"No way we are gonna use Java."
I politely said:
"We are gonna analyze the projects requirements and see what technologies best fit the scenario"
Me inside my head:
What is wrong with Java CLI applications? Is it really necessary to output a billion lines consisting of INFO an WARN messages?
If I work some longer with beeline I turn into a Java application myself.
INFO: Writing rant
INFO: Clicking submit
WARN: Heart rate too high
ERR!: SHUT THE FUCK UP JAVA!10
Oh boy, finally something to rant about.
I got hired in a "small" company (not even 2000 people in it), then got "shipped" to a way bigger company. Basically, I work for this company (the french biggest internet / phone service provider) but in the name of my own. And this since last wednesday.
First off, I'm fucking stupid. After leaving the big company that I was in before, I swore to myself that from now on, I would work for smaller companies, mainly because I couldn't stand the inertia that big company have. You ask for something, you get it a month and a half after. The old company has about 6000 employees... This company has 98k people in it. Fuck. My. Life.
Now, to the rant: Orange (the company) decided that they had to move their office somewhere else. They set up a lot of things so that all we needed to do was to put things in boxes, to work somewhere else until next monday, then we could go to the new office on tuesday morning.
Keep in mind that I have been there for 8 days: I keep learning how they do their stuff. For example, if I need a specific docker image, I can't get it from the Docker Hub, the download will fail. However, if I hit an Orange subdomain's registry, I will get this image from a mirror. Because fuck logic.
When we join the company, they give us a Windows laptop ("yeaah we have useless but required Orange softwares that don't run on Linux" "Yeeaaah fuck you") that have a specific VPN allowing us to use the Orange network and, in theory, you can download docker images or clone orange repositories from that network.
In practice, you can simply just go fuck yourself. Why? Because whenever you want to curl, wget or pull anything (or even pip install), your connection keeps being shut down while it waits for the response's header.
The worst part? According to my (new) boss's evasive answers, the way to fix that works with glue, sticks and the power of the Force.
WHY THE FUCK DO YOU ENFORCE US A SHITTY OS FOR DEVELOPMENT, WHEN THE TOOLS YOU SHOVE IN IT WITH A FAKE SMILE DON'T EVEN WORK, AND WE HAVE TO HACK OUR WAY TO FUCKING WORK?6
How lawyers fuck up technology!
I rented a car today, given that I don't want to go by train currently. That was some VW Golf, and it had a lane assist which can't decide whether to be helpful or obnoxious:
Either I kept the steering wheel and still steered myself, in which case the lane assist's actions made the steering feel somewhat wobbly. Initially, I suspected a worn out control arm bearing, but that's a long term damage in aging cars, not in new ones.
Or I just rested my hands on my upper legs, as I usually do (palms facing upwards and holding the wheel lightly), then the lane assist worked by itself. It was even smart enough to deactivate itself upon blinking before changing lanes.
However, it complained after about 15 seconds that I didn't steer. I said, shut up and do your job. The warning intensified, and I said, fuck you. Then it initiated some stutter braking to wake me up. Annoying like a reincarnation of Clippy.
I ended up giving the steering wheel a slight tip to the right every 15, 20 seconds just to let the lane assist know I was still there, relying on the lane assist to correct it again. On a long trip, I would have had to deactivate that crap.
Obviously, the VW engineers did their job, but the legal department feared law suits should anything go wrong and ruined the feature!
What was also annoying is that there is no real hand brake anymore in many modern cars. Sucks when pulling off against a hill. Plus that at red traffic lights, I usually put the gear out (manual transmission) and pull the hand brake instead of keeping my foot on the clutch. That's not the same with this pseudo hand brake!
(In case you wonder why anyone would do that:
it's an anachronism that avoids lengthening the clutch wires, decades after cars switched to hydraulics.)14
Anyone that stands in the middle of an open space building and talks loudly is an absolute cunt.
Nobody wants to hear you bitch about your problems, so kindly shut the fuck up. K thanks2
> Using VSCode to work on a netcore project
> Switch to VS for some resharper refactoring
> VS eats up 100% of an i7 3.5GHz CPU, freezes the whole fucking PC
> Force shut down the computer, turn it back on
> "Windows is working on updates"
FUCK YOU, YOU COCKSUCKING MOTHERFUCKER! GO CHOKE ON A THROBBING FUTANARI COCK!8
I'm fucked on wine so I'm just going to fucking rant this one out.
Noticed and only by random chance that a comment I made was gone, and though huh. What the fuck. Have I been downvoted to hell? Nah, I don't think so. Then why?
Ah, post is gone. Wait, what? THE POST IS GONE? WHY.
I hate you for deleting shit. You got that? I. HATE. YOU. It's not about your background, your ethnicity, your gender or how much of a fucking voidstar your heart is. I don't give a single fuck about THAT.
But you deleted a GODDAMN RANT? I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. That is now a moment that might as well have never existed. You have basically given me the virtual equivalent of a blackout. You've STOLEN my time.
And all for what? Nothing, big ole pile of fuck & nuthin. You're a goddamn chicken man. Do and do not regret. Act like a MAAANNN.
I tell you this is the first problem. Cowardice. This is THE very first problem. Shit has to be done but them be afraid-ers. And not even behind the keyboard you can muster some balls. THAT is an insult. A very serious one.
And don't gimmie your sob story, fuck you. I'm under minimum wage and my wife is dead. I don't use that to justify shit. That'd be disgraceful. Have some fucking BAWLZ man. Step up, own up, or shut the fuck up.
Yadda, yadda, might come off as an attack. Well what you basically launched was an attack, on a much broader scale that this. So what. Aren't we all grownups? Sorry, I thought this wasn't fucking kindergarten. Express yourself. Talk it out. If you think there's an issue, then the LEAST you can do is bring it up. And I support on you on that. But if you can't stand to do even that then why in the fuck are you opening your mouth in the first place. Or writing, in this case. You get the idea.
I'm gonna go in circles probably but what the hell. I blame the USA. So sensitive about words. Not so sensitive when launching drone strikes, but that's a sotry for another day. Don't get political on me or I'll haunt your dreams, that is a promise, one I can certainly keep. You don't know about my arcane powers.
Also what IS a bias. I have some vague idea of what BIOS is but not bias. Sounds funny as fuck to me. Prejudice bad? Ya sure yet everybody is higher than shit on prejudice. Sniffup that thing, man. Ugh. That's good. There's some kids in my neighborhood, literally sitting right around the corner, slanging yeyo. They ain't got shit. The mother fucking police takes most of their illicit earnings, funny enough. You think they ain't buried up to their necks in solid shit? Ah, but what YOU go through is so terrible, people are so mean.
You're soft like a newborn, Pippin. But you're not a baby anymore. Grow a fucking pair. Go out there and tell 'em they suck. You can do it babyboy. This is now motivational harassing. GET IT TOGETHER.
I got lost now and don't want to rewind this. But I'm going to lead by example now and click POST on this viscous, stinking dump of a rant, and bear all of the "NEGATIVITY" in order to show you how it's done. You're welcome.
One more thing fix the fucking image uploading because I miss the spicy memes, goddamit. I need another drink.8
- being sat at an office that didn't have chairs with proper back support. It would kill my back every day. Like sitting on a bar stool coding.
- not having access to basic resources (cafeteria, salary bonuses)
- being seriously underpaid ($200 under)
- not having an IT process pipeline (yeah, this is a huge one): no JIRA, no git, no VCS, no continuous integration, etc. I fucking spend 45% of the time fixing coding-unrelated shit.
Second company (very aggravating):
- dumb frontend bitch and privileged colleague who both kept telling me months on end to shut up and who wouldn't listen to my advice on anything, while my advice would actually help the company advance in productive ways. The key here is being told to shut up while stagnating. i.e. dead end job.
- people advancing in the company based on nepotism and favoritism, based on having tits and ass, rather than skills and independence.
- pointlessssssssss meetings where decisions are made solely based on the opinion of Mr. favorite senior dev. The rest just sits there like a bunch of sad saps and yay-nodders. Incompetent PO's who "would like to hear your input" but then when you give it, they completely dismiss you.
- pointlessssssssss monthly meetings with stakeholders, where the dev teams do nothing but clash and act like pussies in front of the PM just to get in his favor, but behind scenes continue to make the same mistakes and telling the CEO everything is fine. Goodness, how can it get more unproductive.
- completely antisocial and nepotistic 'colleagues' who won't even talk to you, let alone smile at you or be friendly. You saying good morning and them pretending you're vapor that doesn't exist. Go go company atmosphere! Especially during lunch, those are the worst times. Imagine sitting at lunch where everyone looks like you killed their dog and the rest is huddled up in little high school groups.
What else? The incessant and pointless smalltalk that makes me want to bang my head against the wall. Talking about dogs, kids, what show was on tv last night. The fuck man, do you have a brain?!
- HR bitches who think they are the shit and developers are antisocial, helpless misfits, but they work with computers and they don't even fucking know what a status bar is! The irony!
- forced socializing and stigmatization for the opposite. Imagine coming into a company and you don't say good morning. Should that be a problem? No. Instead, everyone starts dogging on you and hating you just because you didn't smile in their faces and said: hiiiiiiiiiiii how did you sleep? Did you feed your dog? Fuck you.
Elliot (Mr. Robot): "Wouldn't it be awesome if there was a mute button for life?" -boop, boop, boop, boop...- Ahh.. there.. that's much better."
- CEO's sucking up to you but when it comes to salary increase, they say shit like: "Ahhh ya know, it's kinda difficult." Yet another dead end job.2
When coworkers say, "I know you have a lot on your plate buuuuut...."
Then shut the fuck up and let me work 😑
My classmate had a really shitty computer and all of the sudden it crashed and holy shit she panicked so much because she was supposed to deliver an apparently really important task and shit and then she decided to buy a fucking macbook pro and she doesnt know shit about it. And now she is so cocky that she cant shut the fuck up abou tit8
When you're developing it's very well advised to run your software locally in an environment as much as possible matching the real environment.
So for example, if you're running linux on production then you also run it locally to run your code.
Here's where people need to shut the fuck up:
No, mac is not good for linux development. Not unless portability is already a concern that you have and even then it might be counter productive. So many times when people say this, portability isn't not a concern. What runs on servers is up to them.
If your servers are going to be centos, then you develop with centos. Not with debian, gentoo, ubuntu, maxosx, etc.
Even different linux distros are a headache for portability when it's just to support a few desktops for development so don't think that macosx is going to cut it. It might not be as radical a difference as between windows and linux traditionally is but it's still not good for "linux" development. I don't think people making that statement really know what linux is now how different distributions work.
What you use for your graphical operating system doesn't matter to much but when you run your code then there's a simple solution.
Another thing people need to shut up about. It's not docker, unless you're already in Linux where docker is one of many options such as chroot or lxc.
This question always comes up, how do you developer for linux in windows? No it's not docker it's virtual machine.
It's that simple. You download the ISO for the distro you want and then install it on a VM. What does docker for windows do? It runs a linux VM that runs docker.
This may come as a great shock to developers around the world but it is possible to run linux in a VM and then any linux application your want including docker.
Another option is to shove a box in the corner, install what you need on it, share the file system and have people use that to run their code. It really is that easy.10
Here we go....
At our school we had different industry people come in and talk about whatever they want to.
My last presenation for the day is on 3D modelling in Game Design, and of course we have middle school kids being generally loud and obnoxious.
Some fuckers are being exceptionally obnoxious, and the teachers decided, in their infinite FUCKING wisdom, to stick them in front of a table where Juniors and Seniors are sitting, minding our own buisness.
Of course, the fuckers decided to continue being obnoxious and despite my request to keep it down, and another Senior's direct approach to tell them to shut up, they continue being disruptive.
At one point, a teacher, again using INFINITE FUCKING WISDOM, decided that instead of removing the fuckers from the room, put a Senior in between them, hoping that that would somehow keep them quiet. Yes, the fucking preschool level attempt didn't work.
Eventually a teacher concluded that the fuckers were pissing us off and removed them from the room. Thank fuck.
That feels much better, excuse me as I need to reinstall an OS on my desktop since the Universe seems to fucking hate me today.
"damn bro, you made that? how can i get into coding?"
shut the fuck up. you can get into programming like anyone who wants to can. by googling how to code. it's not the question itself that bothers me, it's the fact that if you actually wanted to code so bad, you already would've googled it. stop projecting your lack of passion on me.
this is most common with programming, but it happens so often with so many other things.
if you want to learn about biology and chemistry, there's free courses online and papers from nih.
if you want to learn about forsenics read a book about it and read about cases and how they were solved.
i could go on and on. the internet gives you access to so much that if you actually wanted to learn something, you would've already have.4
Ok, so many people rant about windows update. It can fuck up things, starts unexpectedly (after 100 warnings and messages letting you choose when but ok) and it takes too long to update.
I use Windows daily so I update regularly and never takes more than 5 mins. 20 when its a major update twice a year. So let's talk about Linux.
Yesterday I wanted to try out .net core on Linux so I booted my antergos vm to do it. TLDR: Didn't do shut because, surprise, Linux updates.
So apparently I downloaded the wrong version of visual studio code. Uninstall and install the right one then. Nope, can't do that. Some dependency must be updated. That dependency is on the highest version on the AUR, I have to get a different one. Ok, no problem. But I can install the other because uninstalling the original breaks more dependencies. Well fuck then.
So I decided I'd do a full system update with pacman, shouldn't take long. 1.6gb worth of update. I have 200mb download so it should be fast right? Well, I had to wait a couple of hours.
So I couldn't do anything on my afternoon because of Linux updates. That's an original rant isn't it?
And before the comments get here, yeah I know it's arch, it's difficult and all that. This isn't about being hard to do. It's just annoying and making me lose time.3
I genuinely want to murder the degenerate retard working at chrome how decided that extensions are allowed to open popups whenever they update.
NO ADBLOCKPLUS I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOUR NEW UPDATE JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND BLOCK YOURSELF YOU WORTHLESS CUNT4
Today I was debugging some shitty code left by unknown developer whos linkedin account is dead and phone number left in contact card calls local pizza house.
I knew it qould be hard so i've made myself comfortable, gathered 5 redbulls and other items that diabetes people would kill for eating again.
After around 10 minutes i was already frustrated but i kept the pace. "Who is the best, little devie, you!" - I fooled my ego to keep up and shut up.
After around 10 next minutes my attention span has ended. Limbic system started injecting some hormones into my brain, but I remained silent.
First two energy shots were applied. I felt like hero again. Two minutes after I was debugging through some library that was written fo java and found out that it ahots some natives to a c lang lib called "mypreciouslib".
Oh flock, how can i debug it if ita compiled , I cannot do such things, Me be only junior dev. I started swearing, but silently.
Started ollydbg to see what is inside livrary, i searched through but i couldnt match anything it was like mess stirred with fecals of an elephant.
So I opened aida pro " with vitamins" cause obviously, our pm says "but you write in java right " so we dont need those tools right ? Fuck no.
Aida was better at least i could find some funcions calls, but hey, the progress. I was swearing out loud, with earplugs in. And by the time I've sweared all the things in company i got a reminder.
"Hey -insane- stop swearing, the children are here."-sayys pm, it is some kind of " family and work " shitfuck day.
So i asked them: " why wouldnt you buy this fucking tools for programmming for us , you wouldnt have to hear me fucking swearing" . then i realized that , colleagues in room heard all of it, and one of them, total fuckface buttlicker(dev without bit of knowledge) started something like "you are wrong, see how good our software is sellling". Pm was like smiling like he thanked him for buttlicking again. Not to mention he is officially retarded and i know his password to all our services cause he is so smart to put it into text file and then have sharing files in windows turned on.
The other one told aloud, that we would be much better with some debugging tools that are better than fucking eclipse if we have to work without code.
PM told us that he will arrange a meeting. At that point I didnt care any longer. I just fired myself, fuck them.
Please saint Stallman give me hope and joy of programming from my teenage years. Uhhh..2
I love how hospital forms still have "Religion" in it like it's supposed to mean anything. If I put in "Satanist", what are you gonna do? Not give me a check-up? Spray holy water all over my body while I sizzle my way back to hell as if my temperature isn't hot enough? It's as if that's gonna kill me. I've been looking forward to that my whole life, boi. It's the same for government forms. What are you gonna do? Not allow me to pay my taxes? Sweet deal.
I'm just glad it's on a piece of paper, not some required online shit form that wouldn't let me proceed. Then again, it has "Sex" on it which I would love to answer with "too hot for you right now" or "born with an enlarged urethra and spiritual penises". I'm just glad there's no debate here on that one, just put F or M and get the fuck out of the receptionist's face.
Just kidding, I know sex actually means something. Like if you're a woman on your period, they can diagnose you with hysteria or witchcraft and you get a complimentary clit stimulation to chase that flu away.
No, really, I mean it.
F for Futanari
M for Meningitis
No, seriously. It's just the religion thing that's weird. I just shut the fuck up and put "Catholic" on that shit. It makes me wonder what they do with that information in online forms though. I think I remember a few online forms that require that information, some with dropdowns. Do you get routed to a different service with varying discounts and services?13
Mobile phones are from hell >:[ Well, at least my gf's Samsung is from hell. It makes noise for anything. If someone calls, play a stupid melody. If there is a text, play a stupid melody. If its battery needs to be charged, play a stupid melody. If its battery is fully charged, play a stupid melody. Even if it's in the middle of the night and people just maybe would like to get a few minutes of sleep! What's next? Play a stupid melody when the stupid Samsung Android piece of junk wants its diaper changed? Or when it's bored? Or just needs attention? Or when it realises that the word "smart" in smart phones actually means stupid? SHUT UP!!! We don't need a tamagotchi, we already have two kids and two cats to fullfill our tamagotchying needs! Technology is supposed to make life easier, not worse FFS! No wonder so many people get stressed out these days! And you, pathetic people at Samsung, or whoever that come up with these "smart" features that deprave decent people of their sleep, now it's your turn to be woken up! WAKE UP IDIOTS! Get outside your small mobile-bound shitholes of confined fart-filled bubbles! Learn about REAL LIFE, get yourselves nagging gfs, screaming kids and a PUNCH IN YOUR FACES! Maybe that will teach you to manufacture phones that SHUT THE FUCK UP during sleeping hours!31
Well what an adventure with this SSD...😑
my sis' laptop is from 2013-ish(?) and has/had a slow HDD in it. I wanted to speed it up, before her study, so I bought a new internal SSD (no new laptop wanted).
Created a bootable USB, exchanged the hard drives and install the OS on it. Seems easy enough...
The laptop restarts to finish its process ... laptop shuts down immediately, no warning whatsoever. 😳🤨
Start it up, loading screen, fan gets louder and louder ... instant shut down.😳🤨🤨.
Redo process, this time landing on blue-screen, error code critical process died? ... instant shut down again.🤔
Restart from old HDD, normal.😐
Retry with boot USB and reinstall SSD. Setup process copying files, meanwhile instant shut down.😳 Please don't tell me!😩 Since every part of the laptop was working, except the new inserted SSD, I thought "FUCK not a broken SSD!😣"
I had my own PC with internal SSD slot, so tried to find out, whether it would be broken...
All starting up fine??🤨🤨
Ok then? Finish the setup for the third time now ... everything up and running.😐🤷
Normal shut down, unplug, plug back onto laptop, it works. HOW?? WHY?? 😕
Why the fuck are you suddenly working? 😐🤷🤷🤷
That's some magic...5
You all complaining about shit code from coworkers and about fucking WordPress. Looks different, but know what? Answer is the same.
Let me explain.
For example, you were born in USA. You can choose any profession, and if you became pro - you will be payed great. Looks nice, isn't it?
But if you were born in Russia, India, somewhere in Africa, whatever, you can be businessman, coder or you can suck a dick to the end of you life.
Not that great, yeah?
You are looking around and see great people with their own dreams and talents. But then you ask them "to which faculty are you going?" Answer is obvious. And that's how shitcoders are born.
And yeah, about WordPress. I'm mobile developer, I just can't understand how awful it is (or not, idunno). The only thing I know - if I were PHP developer, I could earn twice more than now. But why I didn't choose that way? Because I REALLY LOVE MY WORK. Everyday is good, I'm working at weekends often, because I want.
So please, shut up. You could never work with WordPress, but you motherfucker CHOOSE IT. You could switch to node, go, Java. Why the flying fuck you didn't? Oh yeah, MONEY. So please, shut up.
Devrant isn't for crying girls complaining about shit they did themselves. (No sexism, just metaphor, sorry girls)10
"Can I have an app? It's a million dollar idea: you take a picture of yourself and it tells you if you're pregnant or just fat. I don't have any money at the moment but I'm willing to give you 5%, maybe less if my friend wants to join. plus, no ads, and make it a free app so it will be liked alot."
Can you shut the fuck up? do you have any idea what the fuck you're talking about? that's the most fucking ridiculous idea I've ever heard. how the hell would it even work?5
My colleague can be so fucking annoying I’m close to snapping. It’s morning, I just got it, didn’t have any coffee yet and he asks me “what did you do while I was gone?” (He was away sick a few days). So I start explaining to him the code changes we did and he takes it as an opportunity to interrupt me and ask more questions during my explanation. Mostly because he thinks it’s amusing. I continue explaining not giving in to his shit and he continues interrupting me and tries to make other team members laugh at his stupid face. No one does. I finally tell him to shut up and listen and he does.
It’s like having a kid run around, focusing on every sound other than what is important and trying to be funny when all that’s happening is everyone thinking he’s and asshole that should shut the fuck up. ARGH!!! So annoying.6
"Hello sir, do you have time to talk about...."
Shut the fuck up. Sit the fuck down. Name your stack. I know how to fucking work with it. If I did not select it it is because it was not the right choice. I did not spent 4 years teaching myself to code AND later on obtaining a B.S in Computer Science(another number of years) as well as obtaining industry grade experience for you to tell me what I should use.5
This entire google playstore review system is annoying and sometimes useless. Before you download something, you tend to check for the reviews. It's just the way it is. If you see something negative, you tend to have second thoughts of proceeding to download. These muggles think as if they were entitled with anything. "3 stars. I would give you 5 stars IF..." Shut the fuck up, man. No one gives a shit! So you wouldn't give 5 stars because the feature that only you want is not there?2