When you don't have money to pay a designer so you decide to do it by yourself.

It's my first try...

Friend: How much do you charge for a website?

Me: Depends, what do you need?

Friend: Just a basic website.

Me: I am going to need more details than that, is it static HTML site? Do you want to be able to add content yourself? Do you have hosting? Do you....

Friend: Dude, just give me a rough estimate.

Me: But...

Friend: It's for a friend, he has an idea for a business.

Me: ...fine...$100 million 👿

//Because making a website is just a push of a button to some people

FUCK YOU SHITTY FUCKING DICK HEAD!!!.. I'M FUCKING TIRED OF YOUR FUCKING BULLSHIT ABOUT "YOU'RE A PROGRAMMER... YOU MUST KNOW HOW TO USE PHOTOSHOP!"... OR "SUCH A SHITTY PROGRAMMER YOU ARE... DON'T YOU KNOW HOW TO FIX MY COMPUTER"... OR "CAN YOU MAKE ME AN APP?... IT'S LIKE OTHER APP BUT BETTER, I CAN'T GIVE YOU MORE DETAILS BECAUSE IT'S CONFIDENCIAL, SO YOU GOT TO DO IT WHIT OUT KNOWING WHAT THE FUCK YOU HAVE TO DO"... GO TO FUCK YOURSELF WITH A TRUCK FULL OF DONKEYS FUCKING IDIOT!!!... STOP TALKING BULLSHIT AND GET AND FUCKING LIFE YOU ASSHOLE!!!... sorry about my english for those who read

classmate: Hey, "friend" told me you do freelance website development. right? I need to create a new website and need your help.

Me: umm... OK... what's it about?

Classmate: It's for my dad's friend's business.

Me: OK. but I will charge the standard rate.

classmate: No... I will make it myself. I just want your help.

Me(Internally): ...not again...

Me: Do it yourself then.

Classmate: It will be quick. an hour or two max.

Me: *speechless*

Classmate: And one of my uncle who did IT told me that c++ is faster. can we use that instead of HTML?

Me: huh...?

classmate: you don't know shit.

... classmate walks away...

This guy somehow manages to get As in exams (mostly cheating. and our papers are shitty theory papers which you can mug up. so that helps) and in a year will have an IT degree.

An open letter to the guy that commented on my website:

«Function X does not work. This program is shit. I am going to uninstall it and tell everyone.»

I'm sorry that my completely open source project didn't work for you. The fact that I lost countless days and months and years working on it in my free time, without ever asking for a cent, just trying to do something good for the community, doesn't give me the right to release a feature that may be buggy.

You could have opened a bug report. But that takes time. A whole 2 minutes. I understand the urge to post such a harsh public critic on my website. That's why I was so calm and understanding when I replied to you there.

However, it's a long time I wasn't browsing devRant and I confess I felt the urge to tell you to go fuck yourself. And this is the best place to do it! I'd pay to know you. I'd love to see your face. Oooh you must be so confident of yourself. I'm sure you have accomplished a lot in your life. So here's my message:

Go Fuck Yourself Asshole

Saw an ad for Wix, went like this:

"You need a website, why not do it yourself?"

Aren't they advertising to NOT use their crappy platform?

What the fuck!? Did you just fucking say you don't want to discuss API endpoints with me because I'm just a frontend developer? Get the fuck down from your imaginary backend throne and talk to me like the software engineer that I am. That's right, I'm a software engineer too, you fucking asshole. Just because you do backend and I do frontend doesn't mean you can talk down to me. And I swear that the next time you say you made all the work and I just have to "style it" I'll just leave. You can "style it" yourself.

Tech industry: "We need thousands upon thousands of engineers!"*

* With a minimum of 5 years+ experience in about 30 technologies, able to do magic and ride unicorns while working 28 hours pr day just for the lolz of it. We do not provide training, courses or certifications of any kind. You are supposed to be able to pull those out of your ass yourself!

Me (5 days ago): A major, life-threatening hurricane is coming. I need to prepare. I know you have a need to launch so I will do my best to finish your project.

Client: Ok, stay safe.

Client (today): I know you're not done. You're late actually. To provoke you into further action, we went ahead and announced the launch and people will begin using the website now.

Me (at the store buying food for the next two week): What in the actual ... Here is your code. Finish it yourself. May God have mercy on your cold, dark soul.

"You need a website, why not do it yourself?"
NO FUCK YOU WIX. I HAVE DONE IT MYSELF AND I BET YOU USE WEEBLYS WEBSITE BUILDER FOR YOUR OWN FUCKING HOME PAGE. YOU KNOW WHAT, I WILL DO IT MYSELF.

*opens code.org*

Never worked for this guy, just saw it someone else's feed and thought it would be appropriate here. This is not leadership. This is bullying and stomping on people in a vulnerable situation which most likely has very little to do with their work ethic and more to do with company health. Yea, definitely elevate yourself and be that A+ person for you. Not for assholes like this. A good leader would empathize and provide resources for advancement and transformation to roles that are more aligned to the current environment.

Dear sir,

I'm NOT giving you the information you want because I can't verify you. You can tell me that we're the only company who does it like this and name all companies which do it differently, you can curse me into the ground or completely lose your shit at me but that won't make a difference:
I'm not giving you the information you want.

Sincerely,

Go fuck yourself.

This is so fucking, fucking annoying.

Client (through ticket system): here's new nameservers my domain has to use, please enter them thank you!"
Me: you can easily do that yourself! *gives link to extremely fucking easy click-done tutorial*
Client: oh but I'm not technical, could you please do it anyways?

HAVE YOU EVEN FUCKING LOOKED AT THE LINK?!

THIS SHIT HAPPENS EVERY GODDAMN DAY.

Me on the train. A fucking 12 year old kid, fanboy of the iPhone X.
1. He calls it "X" (the letter). I bet he doesn't even know that it is a 10.
2. "it has only one port so you can use Bluetooth headphones". He seems like he is amazed by that. Like wtf? Guess what motherfucker you can use Bluetooth headphones even if you have a dedicated headphone jack.
3. "it has wireless charging"... Oh would you please fuck yourself you fucking donkey.
4. "it is so thin. Not like those other phones". So can somebody kick this guy or I will do it myself...

Sry gone full AlexDeLarge here...

(clicks on HTML tutorial video)
(ad starts playing)
"You need a website, why not do it yourself?!"

Arghhhhh that's exactly what I'm trying to do 😡

Yesterday Mr Senior told us that "it's not possible to do that".
I (30 years younger) replied I read about that possibility in the manual.
So he challenged me to do it, laughing at me.

Today I went to the office really angry, I put the headphones on, with the song "Suicide Silence - O.C.D." in loop, and after 5 hours I solved the "big problem".

So, go fuck yourself Mr Senior, and RTFM.

Damn, I'm still listening that song.

It's the biggest satisfaction to know that Wix means wank in German!
"why not do it yourself" just adds to it.

Do you ever talk to yourself out loud while thinking/programming/debugging? (Not a rubber duck in sight, because that makes it okay?)

I need to avoid making this a habit..

Me: What? Why is this even an error?

Someone: What?

Me: What?

How to start coding (for fucktards)

1: Choose desired programming language like python or java

2: Search on youtube or google: "<language> tutorial beginner"

3: if step 2 was to hard for you...
STOP learning how to program, you are hopeless

4: Instead of asking everyone on how to learn programming, just fucking DO IT already!

Seriously, if you don't even know how to use google and youtube to educate yourself programming is NOT FOR YOU!

I love my wife, i really do. But seriously.... STOP PULLING ME OUT OF THE ZONE for every tiny thing!

She:
"... can you make me a coffee"

Me:
"sure babe"

What i actually want to say:
"Its a fucking one button machine, do it yourself you lazy shit. And it takes me half an hour to go back this deep! Isnt it enough that i did all house chores made you dinner and took the dog out after working for 8 hours streight. You better give me some attention later tonight, since you should have more then enough power after sleeping all day! If i would at least get a compliment... GIVE ME COMPIMENTS."

Dear Telegram, the fact that you're using a service which provides app usage/metrics/analytics kind of is not nice.

"But they've got the right to!"

Of course they do. But, when you advertise yourself as a messaging app focused on privacy, I expect you to behave that way.

And yes, we know your crypto is broken as fuck but that's not the point right now.

Oh and yeah, the next blog item will probably be about Telegram and how not-privacy friendly it is.

That feeling: When you see a piece of code and you're like "I can do that in half the number of lines..."
And so you spend the next 45 minutes redoing something that was working perfectly.
Except now it's a convoluted and unreadable demon child that appears to writhe on the screen before your very eyes and cause madness and hatred in all who view it. But.. it works in 3 lines now instead of 7... and you don't need 4 of those local variables that you did before... and even though it's completely impractical because no sane mortal (including yourself - barely) can actually read it, it's still yours and you're proud of it.

Vsauce has made all of its Mindfield content free on youtube...

Watched the episode about moral licensing

TL;DR; If you do something very good you tend to compensate and give yourself a free pass to do not so good

It happens to me in software when I accomplish something really fast, like a bumpy process that is undefined and in most cases should take X amount of time, but due to luck + experience + right mindset I get it done like 5 times faster...

I end up wasting the other parts of the time feeling good about myself and exploring google maps and writing rants here...

1. You don't code to add a feature or whatever. You do it to solve Users' problems. It's a User-centric system.
2. You read more code than you write. So help yourself and write code intended to be read.
3. If people don't know you did something, you did nothing!
4. Never answer a call at 3 am if you're not paid to be on night call-duty. You'll become the guy who answers at 3 am.
5. Remember the big difference between you and me is that I failed to do stuff more times than you have tried to do.
6. When you start shaving the yak, stop!

If you don't format your code correctly in a time where IDE's do it with a fucking shortcut you should boil a kettle, pour it over your useless fucking head, and throw yourself off the nearest building, you absolute useless cunt.

FUCKING SHIT.
I'm at my first Hackathon with my best friends in life and there has never been a time when I've felt this miserable all my life.
The theme is IoT (something idk jackshit about) and people here are done with the projects when we are still at the idea stage.
Yes, it's true that this shit is intense but I really want to do good at this.
This is what I've learned from my first Hackathon:
1. Prepare your shit.
Unless the problem statements are given on the spot, you should've discussed everything that you would be doing and not divert. (We spent 5 hours on a problem statement and then we decided not to go with it.)
2. Have people with different abilities who you can trust to get the work done without you having to give a second thought.
3. Don't you dare build a sub-par application. What's the fucking use of that? Don't do it for the certificate or the stickers. If you do that, then how the fuck can you make yourself put those stickers on your laptop?!
4. Have food. Keep yourself healthy and up to max potential.
5. DO NOT BE DISCOURAGED. A lot of people will look like they're done with the shit. You know what you have to do now? NOT GIVE A FUCK! Just focus and do your thing and make it awesome.

Fun fact: "wix" of wix.com in German language phonetically translates to a vulgar word for masturbation. Not only describes my feeling towards services like these but also gives new meaning to the "do it yourself" mentality.

Why do HR people ask stupid questions like the following ones? Everytime I get those questions, I have imaginary answers like the ones right after each question.

Why do you want to work here?

- Obviously, because I need the money to survive. I'm not here because I love working for you and having to endure your stress. I'm not that type of a kinky person.

Are you flexible?

- Why? Do you want to annoy me when I'm sleeping in the middle of the night because of a sudden deadline or because a god damn employee didn't show up?

Do you see yourself as a perfect fit for both developer and tech support roles?

- Read my fucking resume, moron. I applied for a developer role. Nothing else.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

- As if you would care. It's none of your business, but since we are at it. I see myself as your manager in 5 years. Hope that you like that thought.

We didn't bother reading your CV. Would you like to tell us about yourself?

- Nope. Have a nice day and suck my dick. I'm leaving.

Can you give us your phone number and the phone number of your girlfriend?

- I didn't know that I am selling my soul to your company by accepting this job offer. I'm not your slave and you will not call me whenever I'm enjoying my private time.

What's motivating you?

- Money and the peaceful vibe at work when you are shutting the fuck up when I'm fully focused during my projects.

How do you handle stress?

- I dick slap everyone infront of me.

Do you see yourself as a hard worker?

- Nah, I'm not interested in sucking dicks, eating her ass and bending over to get a little bit of a raise.

FUCK!!! FUCK IT ALL. FUCK YOU AND YOUR CRAPPY BULLSHT UNDOCUMENTED AND OUTDATED API.

YOUR DATABASE SERVER BACK-END HAS TO BE THE ONE MANAGING THE DISPLAY DATA FOR ITS WEB AND MOBILE CLIENTS. NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND, DAMN IT.

I'M NOT GONNA SIT HERE ALL DAY HARD-CODING ALL YOUR SERVER'S INADEQUACY.

MAKES ME WONDER DO YOU EVER USE DESIGN PATTERNS OR APPLY DESIGN PRINCIPLES? DRY AT LEAST? DON'T FUCKING REPEAT YOURSELF, DAMN IT.

I CAN'T WAIT TO LEAVE THIS PLACE FOR GOOD.

It is very hard to make me mad.

But if you imply I "didn't do anything" or that my job is "easy" because all I do is just ”sit in front of a computer” 9 to 10 hours a day then you can go fuck yourself.

“Can’t you just open up my iPhone right now and check what’s wrong with it??”

My response: “See, you already know what to do! Since it’s so easy, why don’t you just do it yourself?”

Beware: this is me expressing how I feel about my programming/my skillset, and so on. It might be imposter syndrome but I am having a fucking bad episode right now and I just need to get this the fuck out.

I work at a distribution center right now. Can I provide for myself? Yes. Do I even slightly like my work? No I fucking hate it to the point. I hate going there every day, doing shit I don't like, not being able to focus on the shit I love but that's it for me for now.

In my free time I still am able to program a little but then the (I will call it imposter syndrome for now as I have no clue how to call it) imposter syndrome comes looking around the FUCKING corner.

*What the fuck are you doing? For real man, someone else could do that like way fucking better*

*Wow man your code..... there are so many people who would write that a million times better*

*You have re-written this for 10 times now. But seriously, this still sucks fucking balls*.

Fucking hell. Yes, at programming level I am still a junior, I fucking know that. But it fucking sucks feeling like anyone but you would do the shit you're making better anyways.

How fucking down can you get yourself. How bad can you make yourself feel through just a few fucking words/thoughts.

The only thing I am happy about right now is the fact that a very good friend is able to keep me at least slightly sane right now.

soooo Texas froze before Hell, thought it was never going to happen but it did 🥴

Had a meeting scheduled for today, but since my employees (crucial for the meeting) do not have power I had to reschedule.

VP: I saw that you cancelled the meeting
Me: yes I did sir, my people do not have power at their homes so I decided that we can postpone it for later.

VP: Understandable, I just wanted to see if you guys were ok.

Me: yes sir, we are thank you and yourself?

The rest of the conv was standard pleasantries.

Why can't it be like this for all devs around the world?

Bad dev habit to unlearn:

Impostor syndrome before starting a project.

Don't think a lot before diving into a tough project. Just jump in. If you second guess yourself about being ready, you'll never do it. Either you're already good enough or you'll figure out what you need.

I wasted way too much time before starting to write an AI chess engine but it turned out a lot simpler than I expected.

"doEs AnYOnE HAVE IssUeS wiTh gETTing gIrl beCoz CodIng"

lmao what a fucking dweeb. What a loser really. How about we don't make a fucking job something akin to a personality trait?

were I single, would I sell myself as a "cODER" to a girl? fuck no, do some of you nerds really introduce yourself in such way? is this bs ass job your end all be all? aye, this be the easiest way to poise yourself in the complete opposite direction of the female sexual organ.

Fucking quit that shit, ain't no one really gasping for air because you can lay down some fucking js in a website, who gives a fuck? like really? these posts are so fucking annoying.

Grow a pair, and some personality.

Background: some dweeb complaining to me about finding it hard to get girls because of his "passion" station women would lose interest because all he would talk about is dev shit

Tech Support Cheat Sheet

It's not motivation that you need, it's dedication.

You see, motivation is temporary thing, that sudden flow of dopamine running through your body that you get after some success or after being admired by someone or simply after good sleep and nice morning shower.

But the problem with motivation is that it's just temporary thing. After a while (hours, days, if you're lucky weeks) it just wears off and you're left pretty much where you started.

But there's one thing that remains and that's persistent. It's called DEDICATION. If you dedicate yourself to something, you are willing to do it no matter what it takes from you. Even if it frustrates you along the way or makes you angry, you wanna be able to say "It's finished. I'm satisfied with it" after you finish it. You are willing to crawl to the finishing line but no matter the obstacle, just knowing that you're getting closer to the finishing line is gonna motivate you. Your dedication is gonna become motivation generator. And that's the key. You need the passion and dedicate yourself to it.

But hey, sound simple but we all know the struggle. Sometimes it's even hard to recognize dedication from motivation. And sometimes you just go "Ok. Fuck it. I'm done" and leave it and that's okay AS LONG AS you get back to it after a while. As long as the inner you, the dedicated you that got you here in the first place, goes "Dude, it's tough. But it's alright, we refreshed a bit and now we're gonna fucking make it" (nope, I don't have schizophrenia) and you listen and get back at it.

Dedication is tough. It's about self control and understanding yourself deeply and balancing your mind. It's nirvana of success. It's the ultimate balance. But you can get there. If you want. Badly.

TL;DR You need dedication, not motivation. Punish yourself and reward yourself. Not too harsh and not too much. Just so that you don't lose track.

But most of all, GOOD LUCK YOU AMAZING FUCKS!

Request: I don't like the way the page looks. Make it better.

Question: can you give me some more info? What is it that you dislike about the page? You approved the design, the mockup, the HTML version...and we just finished implementing the backend. Can you be more specific?

Response: make it more like this *gives link to completly new layout from a theme on themeforest*. Why does mine not look like this. Make it like this!

Reaction: *fuck this shit, never freelancing again...* Well, then do it yourself. I'm done!

// best feeling ever :)

I opened a tutorial in youtube about web development , suddenly enter wix add
"You need a website why not do it yourself"
Me: no shit thats my job to work on a website but not on wix

So, the HR has made it mandatory to fill a Google form,
fill in info about yourself (name, employee ID),
your family (name, address),
and select radio buttons for symptoms like fever,cough, cold.

You must fill this form DAILY, and if you miss filling the google form, it will be Loss of pay for whole day.

Yes, so if I have contracted coronavirus, and am running a high fever, first thing I'll do is login, open a shitty ass google form and select a bunch of stupid radio buttons.

And if I'm not ill, I'll still go and fill this form every single day.

Because fuck logic.

So IT just blocked all web browsers at work apart from internet explorer.....

I have been using it for 2 hours and I think I'm about ready to end it all....

Yeah sure, you can have your site files and database. Host it yourself. Get your cousin to maintain it. Go ahead. Yeah, sure, you're gonna do ~really~ well. Bye bye, ya micro-managing fuck nugget :D

Me: Hello, IT Support? I can't use your system because as I log in I can't bypass a form saying I must confirm my email. But I haven't received any confirmation email. Can you resend it?

Support: We can't resend it, you have to do that yourself. What's your email?

Me: it's <blahblah>.gmail.com

Support: have you checked Junk?

Me: I sure have!

Support: Then please restart your computer and the email should come

Me: ....................
Me: have a nice day

This is more on work and life balance.

1. Don't do hard work, but do 'Smart work', else you will end up burn yourself 100%.

2. Don't think your manager is your guardian angel, even though it seems like sometimes. He has his own goals to achieve.

3. Spend considerable time daily in and out of office/work, for your own development/improvement.

4. Learn new languages and technologies.

5. Stop making things perfect, 'good' is enough.

and it goes on ............

When you are given a task or bugs to fix and your boss will tell you everytime that, "this is so easy this will be done in just 3 seconds".

WTF! Then don't hire devs and do it yourself! And start fixing all the damn bugs in just 3 seconds yourself! There are 28800 seconds in whole fucking 8 hours, I guess if we divided it by 3 you can finish a task or fix a bug at approximately 9600! (Applause) Now we are silently calling him "The 3 seconds man'.

"Quality CSS" is much a fucking misnomer. As someone whose been writing this shit at scale for 15+ years I can tell you all CSS code is garbage. The only thing you should do is make sure you don't have name collisions. Classes/components are self contained. And use variables when possible. DRY makes sense usually, but if you're dogmatic about it you shoot yourself in the foot.

Websites that do this.

Is there a good reason for this? What, you can't strip out the spaces yourself?

Honorary mention: my local council's bin collection schedule website. Says "Invalid post code" if you enter it without spaces (eg, it rejects E123BC, you have to enter E12 3BC).

Dealing with space characters must be really really hard for web developers. Maybe someone should make yet another js framework for that?

I'm real tired of my coworkers always trying to one up me and being elitist about their code. Like I get it, you think PHP is shit, C is so much better than Java. Wow, you must be so knowledgeable! /s

Just because you're bashing on bad languages and talking shit doesn't mean you write good code, and in fact your code isn't top quality, I've read it. All you're going to accomplish with an elitist mindset is close yourself off to improving, and that's probably the worst thing you can do as a developer.

FUCK OFF!! JUST. FUCK. OFF.

I've been studying for around 4 hours and my roommate just asked me "why do you take so much time to study? Reading through it twice should be more than enough"

Simply reading trough it twice he said. MOTHERFUCK I'M NOT EVEN DONE READING THIS SHIT, THAT I'LL NEVER APPLY IRL, ONCE AND I AM NOT A KIND OF GENIUS THAT REMEMBERS EVERY DAMN DATA OK BY READING SHIT TWICE LIKE YOU. PUT YOURSELF IN MY DAMN POSITION YOU INSENSITIVE FUCK

Frankly if your a dev that doesn't push yourself. I wont take you seriously.

Experience levels range greatly! You have to be mindful of that to.

I push myself with every project looking for better ways to do things

Doesn't mean you can't have fun whilst you do it 😉

WTF?! Do I look like your personal Google assistant or amazon alexa?!

You messaged me to call the customer support for some doubt you have. Why can't you do it yourself?!

I then sent you a FAQ section from the website covering all the required details.

And you couldn't even bother to open the link to check there?!!!

Fuck off.

Me: Ok, so send me your logo.
Client: Here it is <template.xlsx>
Me: What I am supposed to do with a fucking animated gif in excel spreadsheet ?
Client: I don't know you are the IT guy
Me: OK go fuck yourself.

"C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg."
Bjarne Stroustrup

That moment when the you actually think that this huge refactoring isn't worth it, but you do it anyway so you can live with yourself...
Code quality is love. Code quality is life.

(I am an entry-inter-intermediate level dev)
P = Person

P:Hey Can you build me a POS system for free?

Me: Yea whatever. (because... immediate family member)

P:Ok Great.

Me: *starts working on it.. almost done with inventory control and layouts in one night*

P: When will it be done? and I need it in a full screen window not a browser!!

Me: Soon..and I have not worked in ASP yet. So it will be a full screen browser app.

P: Aww you cant do it fast? You are not skilled enough??? Poor you, you are not good enough. I can do it in a few hours. Just write a C program which stores entries in a txt file. I dont want sql shes-que-el on my system. You dont want to use .txt because it will be harder for you. Poor you.. no skill.

Me: *raging to a level where i turn into kryptonium and burn superman to death but still keeping my calm* You will get it when you get it. Period

Inner Me: GO FUCK YOURSELF. IM DOING THIS FOR FREE SO THAT IT HELPS YOU OUT. NAGGING ME WONT HELP YOUR CAUSE ONE BIT. GO FUCKING LEARN HOW TO CODE YOURSELF AND MAKE IT YOURSELF OR BUY IT FOR A FUCK TON OF UNJUSTIFIED MONEY. IM GIVING YOU A BEAUTIFUL LAYOUT, GREAT APPLICATION ARCHITECTURE USING LARAVEL AND GREAT DATABASE DESIGN WHICH WOULD BE SCALABLE AND PRODUCE MEANINGFUL REPORTS. WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU PREFER A .TXT FILE OVER A WELL DESIGNED DATABASE. WOULD YOU FUCKING OPEN THAT HAMSTER CAGE OF A BRAIN OF YOURS WITH A KNIFE OR A SCREWDRIVER?
IF ITS THAT EASY FOR YOU GO FUCKING DO IT YOURSELF AND STOP BOTHERING ME. I AM TAKING MY TIME OUT FROM FREELANCING TO HELP YOU OUT. I COULD BE SPENDING THIS TIME ON OTHER PROJECTS WHICH WOULD GET ME SOMEWHERE. THE ONLY FUCKING REASON IM DOING IT BECAUSE I MIGHT BE ABLE TO RESELL THE POS (PIECE OF SHIT) TO OTHER PEOPLE IN FUTURE AND MAKE MY SHARE OF UNJUSTIFIED SHIT TON OF MONEY.

Hello "friend", whom I haven't seen or talked to in years. How have you been? Please don't mind me, my life is boring as shit and nothing happened to me since. Yes, I'd gladly make an app for your company because you agreed to do it but apparently you lack the skills. Oh, you've been fucking around for a month doing nothing? That's sad but sure, I can do it by Sunday, I don't have plans for the weekend anyway. You say you can't pay me more than what I earn in six hours doing my day job? And your boss should think you did it all by yourself? Well, let me consider this cool little opportunity. I'll be in touch, talk to you "soon"!

Are you a mango in Siberia?

Mangos seeds don't grow in Siberia. But if they are moved to a warmer climate they grow to be the King of fruits.

Do not beat yourself up if you are not doing good at one organization in one role. Analyze what is the problem and if it requires a change of team/organization, roles..just do it!

*How to graduate in style*
(And prob get arested)
(Because i am graduating soon)

-Make a simple reverse_tcp payload with persistence and encode it with veil or do it yourself. Make sure it connects to your VPS.

- Give it to your classmates and teachers! Sharing is caring!

- make a wallpaper that says "Happy graduation class 404!" (Isn't our class number awesome?!)

- wait until graduation to... i think you know what i plan to do ;)

User: The app is crashing! Fix this immediately. We can’t do our jobs without it!!

Dev: Patch applied, can you confirm it is now working on your end?

User: EXCUSE ME?! THAT IS NOT OUR RESPONSIBILITY! WE ARE WAY TOO BUSY, ASK SOME OTHER DEPARTMENT TO DO THAT OR DO IT YOURSELF!

Dev: …

HAVE YOU JUST TRIED TO BARGAIN ON MY ESTIMATE?!

I really hate when people try to bargain on my estimates. It's done when I say so. I really think it through before I tell you the deadline, so GO FUCK YOURSELF PLEASE AND SHUT THE FUCK UP. NEVER EVER BARGAIN ON THAT AGAIN.

If you do, it will take one week longer for every time you try it.

If your developing a game and it runs at 30 FPS do not make your menus and cutscenes run at 60 FPS (looking at you farcry) and vice versa, if your making a 60+ FPS title do not make your cutscenes fucking 30 or 24 FPS... It's the most jarring thing and of you do it, go fuck yourself, be consistent

GO FUCK YOURSELF BY A CRAZY PONY SAFARI !
Fucking useless browser that hide by default the fucking dev tools.
And also it fucking supports flexbox but can't fucking calculate height 100%.
Fucking fuckitty fuck.
Have your website with a shitty ui then. Might as well do a popup saying "switch browser" cause even IE manage to understand height:100%.

Let me share a piece of advice to entry level devs that are getting ready for job interviews that I wish someone gave to me when I was first looking for work straight out of school. Do not focus making yourself look good to this company by trying to make your resume flashy or trying to oversell yourself. Although its important to present yourself sure, but it should not be the foundation for you to base your interview goals around. Rather focus on the company itself. Find out whether the company itself uses modern technology,practices and upholds to project management and the software development cycle, find out how they work,communicate and develop as a team. Simply put focus on whether they are worth working for instead of looking like your worth being hired. Can they collaborate,communicate and solve problems efficiently. Otherwise you may end up getting hired and hating your job. Just a thought and some advice on my own experiences. Hope it helps someone.

!rant

Do you ever find yourself proudly staring at your beautiful code, forgetting everything else and suddenly noticing you've been at it for far too long?

I love it when a fellow "dev" asks about some interesting security topic (full disk encryption) and I'm like "yeah I use LUKS pretty much everywhere".. and then takes an entire arm when given a hand.

Performance in LUKS? Yeah sure you can benchmark it within cryptsetup. Here's how to do it and choose a good cipher for your CPU.

D: Oh also how do I check my battery life?
M (thinking): you lazy fucking piece of shit.
M: FUCKING GOOGLE IT
D: Obviously that means that you don't know it.
M (thinking): so not only lazy but also disgustingly ungrateful, fucking twat.
M: acpi. Next time fucking Google it.
D: You know what? Never mind.

As if I'm the one that's fucking wrong now!! But you know what, never mind indeed. Because you've successfully wasted my fucking time instead of fucking googling "check battery life Linux" like a sensible dev would.

Fellow "dev", if you're on devRant I hope you read this. You can seriously go fuck yourself.

yeah sex is cool but have you ever tried making a website? why not do it yourself?

PM, on kickoff meeting: good code speaks for itself, need no documentation

PM, on UAT day: how does this features work, where is the documentation for it?

Dev: Just do me a favor and go fuck yourself.

Why do managers always want to fucking "discuss"? If you had literally a first-grader's education in basic electronics, you could define tasks and tickets by yourself and not have to fumble around all day and fuck it up,

Having pets is a good way to prepare yourself for working in a brown-field environment.

When your cat or dog shits on the floor, you get the same feeling as when you need to dive into a legacy code base.

You know you can't just leave it there, and yet you still want to find anything else to do except for touch the pile of shit in the middle of the room.

Meanwhile you know your users are going to end up trampling over it and mashing it into your carpet.

Coders get yourself a electronics friend and electronic heads get yourself a coder.

I got a friend who studies engineering and really loves it and i do software development with a passion.
And we both love to chill with some drinks every now and then.

The result: We're currently creating a thing which fills you drinks via a button press on your phone.😁
Optional paypal payment for every drink for use at parties of course.(;

Well, it finally happened.

After 25 years coding in all types of languages and environments, I’m no longer having fun.

It now seems like it’s a fight to get interested in the code. I used to be something that I would spend hours / days doing. Now I just want to walk away from the code.

Is it true (do you think) that after a while all you see is a for loop, an if statement, a null check and you just think to yourself. Fuck this! Because I think I’m there.

God it’s depressing to think that I no longer find it fun.

TLDR Question:
When do you consider yourself an expert at a language?

More details: there is a really cool Data Science internship opening up near me that I want so badly it physically hurts me, but it asks for expert level knowledge of python, Java, or R.

I’ve only been studying R and Java for like 3 months, and Python for about 8 months, so I’m obviously no expert. When exactly does someone reach that threshold, though? When did you realize you were an expert at a language?

Is it because my browsing history already suggests I am a retard who sucks at programming?
YouTube now show this whenever I click any video about web dev :(
"You need a website. Why not do it yourself. ... choosing from more than 100 templates... "

The other day a non-programmer colleague asked me:
"How do you know what to type in, like, did you write all of that?"
As I responded, he asked me another question; "but how do you know wuat to type".

I use to have those same thoughts years ago.

It occurred to me that through constant bugs, errors, bad (team) projects and failures that its become second nature, like breathing.

So, as an experienced developer to people just learning the craft and juniors. Don't give up on your collabs, don't be disheartened by group projects, don't be discouraged by your peers who seemingly try to make your life harder.

Take it as an experience to better yourself and teach them something.

These are the experiences that will make you a better developer.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who gets really annoyed when someone uses jQuery to do stuff that would take the same amount of pure JS. I think these days many people only use jQuery out of laziness, not because it's necessary. Why load an entire library to set CSS attributes and innerHTML? Yes, there was a time when it was very useful to have jQuery, but today we have querySelectorAll and all that. You can save plenty of kBs, load time and improve performance.

Next time you're about to load jQuery ask yourself: do I really need it? Chances are the answer will be no.

Client: I want a new feature for my chat bot. It should be able to rap.
Me: ... k
*monologue: wait u w0t m8*
Also me: Can you please go more into the details? It should be able to rap. Ok. But how do you want it to look like? How "strong" should be the discrimination level, for instance?
Client: It should beat ass, yo.
Inner me -> core me: Let us just ignore him. We won't be able to do it, since he isn't really explaining his needs. "It should be able to rap". We are not wizards.
Core me -> inner me: Chill. We will just use some insult apis, combine it with cleverb0t api et voila.
Me: Alright. I got an idea for it. I can do it within this week. And if you don't like it, I will ofc do some changes to it.
Client: Hmmm... that's nice and good. But within 1 week?
Inner me: I can't do magic and pull that feature out of my fucking ass!

Clients... clients... clients...
0. Don't expect us to be done in a few days. We are also humans. And not fucking machines.
1. Do us (all devs on planet earth. -Microaggression in 3, 2, 1..) a favor and (kill yourself) learn how to request a feature.

Ok, YOU fuck up THREE (!) times, and send me new text for the app, each time saying its '100% finished, no errors' and expect me (each iteration) to do it IMMEDIATELY

Why don't you go fuck yourself, do your damn job, do it right, and THEN contact me instead of running around like an childish preschooler with a pair of scissors

When your week has been so busy and exhausting you remember at 1PM Friday you have a deadline for Monday morning and force yourself to do a weeks worth of work in 4 hours and deploy it on a Friday without QA testing!

To future me - I apologise for Monday’s headaches.

Today my grandmother called and told me she wasnt able to login to her account for her ISP. Alright, maybe shes confused about the passwords as we had to change it recently. No, turns out they still have this "oh sorry you typed your password incorrect three times, so we will lock your account and your granny have to do the 2 hour telephone queue"

You and your fucking outdated auth practise can go and kindly fuck yourself. Fix this shit before I get real mad.

So, I'm a Portuguese dude. I have my OS's in English language and Portuguese keyboard. Today, I spent 30 min raging at my computer because I couldn't login. I tried like all my 865725428 passwords (fake number, in case u don't get it) and still couldn't access it. Then I fucking looked and remembered Windows is an asshole and changed my keyboard input to English, so all my symbols were changed. Fuck you Windows, Linux never did this to me. Y the fuck would u? Do u like to fucking make me waste my precious time? Go and fuck yourself with a 35'' CAT-5E cable you prick.

"Just add X, it'll be easy!"

Well if it's that easy, why don't you do it yourself! 😑

if you want it done that way then fucking do it yourself because that shit makes no sense to me, and you have not adequately made your case to me as to why it makes sense, and since I'm writing it it seems prudent for it to make goddamn sense to me.

Hey I have an idea ! Why not we developers normalise the IKEA way of delivering project to customers? Let me introduce the DO IT YOURSELF software .

Here's how it is done , we set up environment for the client , write manuals , design and pass it over to the customer , let them DIY it by code for themself!

fucking piece of garbage postman!

WHY THE HELL do you auto-update yourself when i explicitly DISABLED updates?

why the hell is it just a "minor" update to switch to a version that FORCES you to have an account, even if all you do is use offline features?

and why is there no option to disable syncing your data to their server, even if it's not needed at all? YALL EVER HEARD OF A THING CALLED PRIVACY?

and why the fucking fuck of all fucked fucks DO YOU DELETE MY PREVIOUS OFFLINE DATA SO I CAN'T EVEN CONTINUE WORKING BY INSTALLING AN OLDER VERSION?!?

some dumb-piece-of-garbage-waste-of-oxygen managers decision to screw their userbase cost me several HOURS(!) of work already and probably will cost some more due to the lost collections.

Worst part about the people I know IRL knowing I’m a white hat Hacker - “Hey, so and so was taking shit I need you to hack their Facebook.”

*rolls eyes* I’m not your personal keyboard warrior nor do I give a shit who said what. Take care of it yourself. You’re an adult.

"Learn PHP! nearly 90% of the web is done in PHP"

That's EXACTLY the reason you DON'T want to work with PHP. Tutorials, SO answers, blogs, every source of info is FULL with bad practices, horrible patters or no patterns, spaghetti code... Most PHP devs are web scripters who have absolutely no background on software engineering whatsoever.

Do yourself a favor, unless you plan to learn Laravel and stick with it, don't, do not, don't'm'st, don't'm'st've go with PHP ... just don't

Do these NPC devs even read the README of a project before spewing some dumbass stackoverflow like garbage in an issue thread?

Do your damn job. Being a good software engineer is not like TiKtOk or cHaTgPt where some "magical" answer or entertainment is spoon fed to you, do your absolute best to solve it yourself first, before causing more chaos out in the opensource world.

I HATE IT WHEN I HAVE TO BE NICE TO THESE KINDA FCKED UP IGNORANT PEOPLE

[11:10, 16/04/2020] +263 73 ...: Hi I want to develop an app do you live in glen view
[11:12, 16/04/2020] Softaz: Um in budiriro
[11:12, 16/04/2020] Softaz: What do yu have in mind
[11:15, 16/04/2020] +263 73 ....: There's an idea I've been testing and its about creating an app thats track patients with the covid virus the people they have infected even before the infected ones test positive
[11:16, 16/04/2020] +263 73 4....: What do you think about this coz this is not a money generating project but we will do it for humanity
[11:17, 16/04/2020] +263 73 4...: We will finish the project in less than 3 days coz I've got the research covered and how the app will operate I jus need someone who can punch the code
[11:22, 16/04/2020] Softaz: Its a good idea
Though your time frame is too tight

What platform will this app run on?
[11:26, 16/04/2020] +263 73 47...: About the time frame its becoz its a very simple mechanism

You know a good way to handle all of the issues with W10 force updating your system? Do it yourself FFS!

You know there are updates. Windows has been telling you ...

Pick a damn time, start the update and go get a coffee, lunch, take a dump or go home for the day.

It's *never* going to be the right time if you don't choose it. It will always be an inconvenience or you'll be "in the middle of something important" and then you'll get all pissy about it.

Yeesh ...

Reinstalling Android Studio.
It takes a while.
So you take a rest, exercise a little. Sure, it will installed when you'll come back ready to throw yourself into deep work, with fresh energy.

You come back.
There is a pop up: Do you want to send usage data to google ? Nothing installed yet.

Only Yes/No option. Where is the "Fuck you" option?

Listening to my coworkers bounce ideas back and forth on design

If you ever get an idea for an OpenCV project: shoot yourself in the foot, drink some bleach, do whatever it takes to get it out of your head, because it will all be less painful than the python docs for cv2.

hey buddy mate pal friend bro nacho

IF YOU FINISH A TASK NOT ASSIGNED TO YOU THEN FUCKING ASSIGN IT TO YOURSELF SO WE DONT WAIT FOR SOMEONE TO DO WHAT YOUVE ALREADY DONE

Ask yourself a couple of simple questions:
Do you like to code?
Do you like to learn new things and improve?
Do you like to solve problems and spend hours on a single detail until it finally works?

If your answers contain a "no", then development is probably not for you. You will hate it and you will suck at it. And you will make lifes of devs who actually love it miserable. So do something else.

How do you guys program when you don't feel like it especially for school? I've fallen a bit behind in my classes and the programs are really easy to write but they're time consuming to do and sometimes (most of the time) I honestly just don't feel like doing them. How do you get yourself motivated?

Burnout is the absolute worst. Feeling like you can’t bring yourself to do anything even though you really want to work on the project. You know logically that you want to get it done and you do genuinely care about the project. But you just can’t bring yourself to commit to it anymore because you’ve given it your all for far too long. You keep telling yourself that you will get us back to work tomorrow or the day after. But rest never feels like enough rest it’s exhausting. Baby steps I guess. I feel like at this point I’ve just developed a habit of putting it off. Time to build a more constructive habit.

wHY N0t dO iT yOuRsElf?

Whoever it was that thought that MAC address spoofing/randomization for "muh network security" was a good idea, I'm gonna violently fucking murder them. It doesn't solve jack shit for security, doesn't magically make your network device "anonymous" or whatever and it never fails to confuse my DHCP servers that use those fucking things. Whoever it was, hang yourself or I'll fucking do it for you. Filthy incompetent motherfucker!!

LabVIEW.

Because WHY THE ACTUAL FUCK should you want to use a visual programming language in a professional environment and pay for it.

(Other than: the manufacturer of your measurement device/power supply/electronic load/etc. has already provided a LabVIEW module so you just have, you know, 'click' your program together and be done.

No, we won't give you the documentation on how to do it properly without that piece of crap or even give you code snippets.

(If you don't feel the urge to shoot yourself in the foot, you have obviously too much time on your hands and could simply be reading the interface definitions for that particular interface. At least it's standardized, d'uh.)

Oh, and you want a lightweight application? Here comes the runtime environment! A big clunky ... thing you'll need now to start up even a simple measure-and-log-data-thing.

Well, OK, it works for the occasional Measure-and-Log-Thing. If you don't need the data too fast.

If you want to do something a bit more complex, knock yourself out, but don't ask me to debug it for you afterwards because that colourful entanglement of wires and connections and blocks is a DAMN HUGE MESS and trying to understand how it works feels like defusing a bomb in a shitty action movie.)

Never again.

If you think learning a language / working with a language you don't like is offensive to you and your morals .. Then don't do it.

Money is important to you ? Then you're just prostituting yourself to some higher authority. So DONT COMPLAIN!

You have the right to hate stuff while being paid for it. Understandable.

But don't shit on the shit you think is shit just cause you put yourself in the situation of not having an option !!

You're a worthless. Money hungry whore.

Yes, you hate Java/ x language but have to work on it ?

You're either a whore or have serious problems with standing up for yourself, but on the internet you become this amazing troll saying the language has problems.

Half the people who hate languages hate them cause it's common to hate them. Like being racist in the early American ages cause it was "normal".

Brain deficient motherfucking whores. Manipulated cocksuckers.

Sidenote : if you've honestly gotten shit on by a new version of the language you were using .It's understandable and I'm on your side. Using it without thorough research on the other hand is your mistake. Languages aren't ideal. Just Like most women don't like your dick cause, well it doesn't fit their use case. Deal with it not, troll about it.

I'm not like you. I experiment with whatever I like before using it. I work on my own stuff. I suck my own fucking dick and I get paid.

If you honestly disagree with me, put a couple points down on the language you hate and why you hate it ( considering the fact that you have actually used it and are not just trying to disagree with me )

Do yourself a favor and don't install it.

People learning to code who seems to have more interest in that their code works than in why it works. Do yourself a favour and learn something you have an interest in.

I'm getting convinced that some areas are not teachable. You have to learn it by yourself. Databases (sql), for instance, the teacher never manages to get the class attention. Even I that consider myself a very interested guy can't handle 2 hours of his explanations. I tried to think in a better way he could teach the content but don't really think there is one ..Do you guys faced issues like that in school?

Ideas for future weekly question:

- Where will you see yourself in 5 years?
- Do you automate tasks when developing and what kind of automation do you write yourself or use?
- What do you think about hooking up with someone from work?
- What are your thoughts about books in IT?
- How do you make your workplace comfortable?
- How would you change your company if you became the boss today?
- What are your thoughts about the future of computer input devices (kb & mice)?
- What are your prevention measures agains Skynet?
- When will HL3 be released?
- What's the solution to everything?

Whoever is reading this...

Have a great day! I know the world is in a bad place rn and everything is chaos but take it upon yourself to strive for a great day everyday. Make sure you eat your food drink your water and take some time for yourself to relax and do whatever makes you happy! Spend some time with your loved ones, start a new project that could help the world, go outside, etc. Make the most of your day!

"Did you really buy a macbook to put ubuntu on it?"
"Wow why would you use such an overpriced piece of garbage just to put linux on it?'
"You made the worst choice of hardware to put ubuntu on"

Maybe, just maybe, I didn't fucking buy it myself and I got it from work? Maybe I didn't fucking pay a dime to get a laptop to put ubuntu on it? Ever considered that I got it for fucking free and have the privilege to do what I want with it?

Go fuck yourself if your first assumption is that I would actually buy a macbook just to erase MacOS from it

Just lost my shit with a colleague which went for the Nth time "Oh MaN tHiS sCrIpT sUcKs So BaD".

Dude, I wrote the thing in 5 days, and back when I did I had no experience whatsoever with JS -or with programming at all, for that matter. It was pretty much my first project and I was as green as it can possibly get.

And yet, that script served us well for well over a year and a half without being touched once. It always worked for everything you could possibly want. Shut your mouth or do it yourself, buddy.

After you automate away task into a tool or program, do you tell your boss or keep it to yourself so they remain amazed at your efficiency and productivity?

And for data analysis ones, that you have godly data processing skills as you can somehow read a 1,000,000 line log file and find the root cause and other insights in an hour or minutes?

!rant

After 4 weeks of no coding i start slowly missing it. especially when i'm reading dev rant 😁

Got some time for myself to upgrading elzdev 2.9 to elzdev 3.0

I can highly recommend you to do something good for yourself and spend some time alone with no work.
I chose Barcelona for one month 😍

And now i can't wait to start work again at the begining of november 😄

Is it just my random madness...

Or do you sometimes picture yourself in a fictional comic / movie / whateva...

Had this feeling today.

Burned a database down, grilled 2 terabyte of data, deleted ~ 500 elasticsearch indices.

Then I chopped an haproxy loadbalancer into 6 seperate machines, because noone likes to read ~ 2.5 to 3 k of lines.

And I guess now I'm doing some backups of elasticsearch before the second round of flamethrower madness starts.

It's somehow very satisfying to just destroy everything.

It continually never ceases to amaze me how many people ask me a question without doing the proper research beforehand. For instance, "How far is the Earth from Jupiter?" How am I supposed to know that? The only thing I'm going to do is Google it and then tell you anyway. Stop asking me stupid questions that you can easily search yourself!

2 in 1

How I fucking hate people that are over apologetic, but don't actually learn anything out of it, maybe next time you do the same fucking mistake again, I'll shove a fucking spiked metal rod up your ass and twist it, so next time you sit down you seemingly still fucking feel it and remember to check beforehand to avoid the fucking issue, you fucking buffoon.

--

Another thing I'd stick a rusty crackneedle pipe up somebodys internals is "for each day late we will penalize 500$ from the budget" while the budget is like 2k, go fuck yourself and eat your cash, with your "30 day challenge" job, you fucking cumstain.

Do computers have bad breath or something? Every time I look at a game it has 'System Require mints' on the box....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
GODDAMN GET A GRIP ON YOURSELF

Cannot understand those who are frustrated with it.
Sure, one can feel frustration when some project is not going as they were supposed to go, but that is life for ya, boi.

Without wanting to offend anyone it feels like devs who complain so much either do not actively search for a solution and learn shit properly and cry their soul out afterwards or they do search, but cannot find anything.
Patience is the solution. Do not let yourself fall down and stay strong.
Even if it takes a lot of willpower, retries, inner pain, patience and non-sleepy nights, you will and can do it. I believe in you.

My whole life was basically a psychological disaster.
I have had and still have depression and a lot of short frustrations from time to time, too, but I do not cry it out loud.
My high school is fucked up. In every single aspect. I am doing all-nighters almost every day. With maybe half an hour of sleep to get school projects done on time.
I cannot just say "fuck you. I am not gonna do this shit" to school, because that would affect my grades in a negative way. Same thing applies to you, as an employee, too. But at least you do not need to be afraid of getting bad grades.
Bad grades->not getting the desired degree->bad chance of finding a job
In your case:
Bad communication with boss->bad connection->bad chance of finding a job

But is that really so?
I do not think so. Nonetheless, you still can have a good chance of finding a job, if you have proven yourself to others in a great way. Everyone has bad times. Even with their bosses. That's normal. Being bad with someone does not make yourself bad in general.

The job world will still accept you, but school won't accept you again. Whenever I feel like the burnout is about to catch me, I take an immediate break and go outside. Take a walk in the sunset. Go to the forest. Run with music playing loudly. Swim. And other things like watching the stars in the silence of the night.

To finally come to an end here...
Do not make yourself feel bad that quickly and try to endure the pain. This is going to make you a better and stronger person.
If you cannot do it anymore (hitting the borders of burnout), take your time and do whatever makes you happy and treat yourself.
Life is not all about work. Were you born to be a worker? No. Were you born to be a slave of others? No.
What is holding you then? Let go of all the stress (for a minute). You are free.

You are a great person.
Do not forget that.

A rule of of thumb that I use when it comes to security is "don't do it yourself, use a library"

*Have idea.

*Start thinking about it.

*Start seriously thinking about it.

*Push yourself to do it.

*Have a mini unconscious panic attack that tells you you're gonna fail.

*Do something else completely unrelated to what you wanted to do.

*Feel good about the meaningless shit you just achieved.

*Recognize you're procrastinating.

*Try to stop.

*You can't cause you're stupid and lack the control and discipline to trick your own mind.

*Watch video about how to overcome procrastination.

*Get a more firmer understanding of it.

*Realize you're a helpless piece of shit.

*Cry till dead inside.

*Resume daily mindless shit.

"Why would you make your own when you can just get one for like $30 online?"

One of the single most disheartening things I've heard from a peer.

Seriously, are you really so incompetent and dependent upon other people's work that you can't even come up with a single reason why I would do this?! Don't you dare try to call yourself an engineer. Call yourself a cheat, cause that's the only way you passed that class.

Even after explaining that making it yourself is one of the best ways to learn about/understand it, they still couldn't understand.

I found this on a wiki with Haskell Humor... it's interesting...

How to Shoot Your Self in the Foot With Haskell: Putting the unsafe in unsafePerformIO!

You shoot the gun, but the bullet gets trapped in the IO monad.
Couldn't match expected type 'Deer' against inferred type 'Foot'.
While compiling your program the compiler produces a type error long enough to overflow a kernel buffer, overwrite the trigger control register and shoot you in the foot.
After trying to decipher the type errors from the compiler, your head explodes.
After you've finally found a way to circumvent the type system and shoot yourself in the foot, Oleg appears out of nothing and shoots you in the foot for coming up with it before him.
You shoot the gun but nothing happens (Haskell is pure, after all).
Your foot is fine, until you try to walk on it, at which point it becomes mangled.
You have a shootFoot function which you've proven correct. QuickCheck validates it for arbitrary you-like values. It will be evaluated only when you end up at the hospital. You hope this doesn't come to pass, as it actually returns a bullet-ridden copy of yourself and you don't want to be garbage-collected.
foreign import ccall "shootparts.h shootfoot" shoot_foot :: Gun -> Programmer -> IO ()
shootSelfInFoot = unsafePerformIO . shoot . foot $ self -- Shoot self in foot 0 or more times depending on evaluation order
No instance for (Target Foot)
arising from use of `shoot' at SelfInflictedInjury.hs:1:0
Possible fix: add an instance declaration for (Target Foot)
In the expression: shoot foot
You go to shoot yourself in the foot but the bullet is in the ST monad and the gun is in the IO monad, so you can't.
You ask Haskell to shoot you in the foot but by the rules of lazy evaluation you don't need the result yet so it doesn't happen.
You decide to shoot yourself in the foot but get distracted devising a ballistics algebra and wondering if you can do the calculations in the type system.
You want to shoot yourself in the foot but realize there is no Gun datatype so use Arrows instead.
You shoot in the direction of your foot, but since you are inside the STM monad you can just retry until you figure out what to do.
You shoot yourself in the foot, but you are perfectly fine as long you just don't evaluate the foot.
You shoot yourself in the foot, but nothing happens unless you start walking.
Don't forget about memory consumption! If you don't look, the bullet causes heap overflow. If you look, the bullet causes stack overflow.
You *appear* to have deliberately shot yourself in the foot, and yet your program actually runs perfectly OK due to lazy evaluation. (So long as you remember to not look at your foot...)
You aim the gun at your foot, pull the trigger and remove the clip. When you look at your undamaged foot, the hammer clicks on an empty barrel.

There are two types of people: Doers, and Talkers.

It really annoys me when talkers (who do nothing) ask me to stop doing things because it makes their lack of productivity look bad.

So sorry sweetheart, if you want to look better, just start doing work yourself and then you don't have to worry about my work making you look bad.

Being mocked by the chef because I am "almost a week on a task"... Yeah dude, if a script which should update hundred thousands of main entities in production with a 45 min duration even though it is already paralleled is a half day job why don't you do it fucking yourself?

Is it just me, or is the term full stack developer a bit carelessly thrown about in job listings and such?

In the past, as far as I can tell, you could refer to yourself as a full stack dev if you had experience with both front end and back end technologies.
If you for example knew HTML/CSS, JS, PHP and MySQL, you'd be a full stack dev.

Now however, I feel you need to know so much more to justify calling yourself an actual full stack dev, and yet most job listings ask for a full stack dev.

What do you guys think?
Should the term full stack developer still be used, and what do you need to know to justify calling yourself a full stack dev without feeling like a liar?

So my coworker is gonna change computer and for the past two weeks is "annoying" me to install Ubuntu for her...

Look ... I'm a dev just like you... Get your shit together and do it yourself or wait.

So Wednesday I gave her the task to backup her shit because I'm gonna do it today... Guess what she told me? That I'm better at it and if I could do do for her...

Sure.. Yeah... Gonna rsync your /home/user folder to the new machine and fuck you if you loose anything, that's not my fucking job you useless piece of shit.

Code your own damn stuff!

I am building a RFID and button controlled music player for kids.
I am using a couple of different modules for that. The one for the input was really laggy. I thought it was so laggy because of the network delay. I tinkered with it a week but it didn't improved. So I just coded my own module which was much easier to do than I thought.
It was a really rewarding to code something yourself in less than a day instead of trying to get something working for a week.

"Can I have an app? It's a million dollar idea: you take a picture of yourself and it tells you if you're pregnant or just fat. I don't have any money at the moment but I'm willing to give you 5%, maybe less if my friend wants to join. plus, no ads, and make it a free app so it will be liked alot."

Can you shut the fuck up? do you have any idea what the fuck you're talking about? that's the most fucking ridiculous idea I've ever heard. how the hell would it even work?

Network, talk to people, and get yourself on the spot, document everything and make sure that you take action when others do not.

Kissing ass can take you far, but I ain't about that life, because sooner or later the fucker that promoted you because he liked his pp getting suckd by you will leave or get put in the spot. Or change alleagiances.

Your best bet is to be ANYTHING OTHER THAN A FUCKING NECKBEARD WITH AUTISM and be someone that people likes being around, I know it sounds hardcore, but people around you will ignore the things you don't know if you are a charismatic guy. Dress well, work out or find ways to improve yourself in ways that are noticeable, use human psychology to be fucking likeable.

Work hard, both on yourself and on your craft, study, get better, be social.

Stop being a twat because high chances are that the higher executives of your branch will not give a shit about your knowledge, but how good is to have you around. Join the circle, fuck your opinions about anything else, this is business, and business doesn't care about a lot of things. Don't cut throats, but make yourself a force to be reckoned with.

Source: Upper management, deals with VPs on a daily basis, knows that being a neckbeard will not take you anywhere.

Best:

- survived 2020 and all its woes.
RIP those that didn't.

- delivered a major project this year that felt like it never wanted to end.
Scope creep.... nope, scope realignment kills the soul.

- hired a competent dev!!! 🥳 Not being a SoloDev is a weird feeling!

- pay rise during a pandemic, that was a nice touch.

Worst:

- dealt with several useless contractors and ended up redoing most of the work myself.

- don't lie to me when you say you *can* do something, only to throw yourself into a complex rabbit hole you can't dig yourself out of.

- major project took 500% longer then originally scoped - it was only meant to be a tight 6 weeks, not an excruciating never ending list of changes and rebuilds 🤯
good thing I get paid regardless - but I don't think the burnout was worth the while.

2021:

- let's see what the world has on offer to try and burn me out of existence this time!

No I will not use Facebook to schedule an appointment.

If you're unwilling to answer the phone and do it yourself, I'm more than willing to take my business elsewhere.

What the hell is it with WordPress people. Just read a rant where this dude is calling himself a "developer" . What the hell you're not a developer stop calling yourself a developer. All you do is click and drag pictures into squares. And type plain English into text boxes. Using software thay an actual developer actually did develop. You don't see me on cook rant calling myself a cook you know why cuz I can't cook. Leave don't learn a respectable language and get back to me. And no HTML is not a language.

If you already know the best way to get this project done, then why are you paying us? Do it yourself then!

Student here.

For those who got a degree in CS or similar, what is some advice you can offer to a sophomore in school?

The education I have gotten so far for a Software Engineering degree seems like it isn't enough. So far, I only know C++ and front end web development. Besides the little tiny projects they give us, they do not teach us how the field works.

One of my most lingering questions of all is.. what technologies should I know before interning and/or job hunting?!?! There are dozens of languages for everything; I'm lost. I feel the pain for developers in the future who have to catch up on technologies.

I have heard that learning C++ will make it easier to learn other languages. I won't know until I start another language (too busy working in the summers).

What regrets do you have? What do you wish you could've known while studying as a student or self-teaching yourself?

Just a little poll for you guys :)

Do you comment your code during the development or when it's done?

Do you keep track of the documentation during the development or after?

Do you use Git only for source control or also to work from multiple places and keep the code up to date?

Do you sh*tcode on purpose (or don't make any effort to clean it) when it's not for yourself, or not for something you value much?

If you have any other strange habit, feel free to mention it :)

It's sometimes really anxiety inducing thinking that all data could be gone, if somebody decides to kill/discontinue/crash [see gitlab shitting 6 hours of data due to fucked backup strategy and shitty seperation of servers] your account/service, be it server, git-repos, backups, chrome syncs, games, music, sim card, ..

But there's simply no way of having a backup of absolutely everything (ignore DRM) - especially automated and abstracted away from you, so you don't have to do all that shit yourself

My 8 year old nephew gave me a call
nephew: I think I deleted recycle bin
Me: you need to make some settings for it to show on the desktop
Nephew: what should I do
Since I was on Ubuntu and he was on windows I made few guesses
Me: right click the mouse go to personalization then click on theme
Nephew: okay wait......done now
Me: what do you see on the top left
Nephew: fan
Me: hang yourself

I think it's incredibly sad that one of the first serious discussions I ever have with my child will be how to Google yourself effectively, to do it at least once a week and how to go about getting certain things removed (If you can) 😕

More like a colleague more than a client, but it doesn't really matter.. They're the same shit,aren't they?

Dude, when you ask for something on Sunday, and spend the day plus Monday and Tuesday not returning my calls or emails... You can go fuck yourself with a huge unicorn's dick. I already moved on to more important shit to do and now you're going to wait until I'm fucking done.

Fucking assholes.

The president and manager where I work always say: "We have to defy the status quo". But when I say "we don't need to do that in this way, we can do it this way which is more efficient". Then they say, "We can't because we have to do everything in the same way". You are just making yourself look stupid.

If I uncheck the "stay signed in" checkbox on login, don't have it checked when I need to sign in again. Especially, don't do that and make me sign in ten times when I'm just navigating your page.

Try to avoid making the website for people like yourself, because not everyone is stupid.

A cousin: Hey, You're a programmer, right?
Me: Yeah, what do you need?
Him: My smart washing machine is not working, can you fix it for me?
Me: Well.. call the company.
Him: How can you call yourself a programmer? You didn't even know how to reconfigure my cable receiver yesterday!..
Me: .... (WTF internally).

It's one of the rare fields where you get to be both creative and functional. Whatever you want to happen on the screen you can make it happen. You can really put yourself into whatever you are making. Maybe you can't do that and make a ton of money at work. Maybe you can't do that and release a product everyone will love. But you can do it. You can put power in people's hands. You can embed parts of yourself, your philosophy, your thoughts, your wishes, etc. into software and spread it all over the world very quickly. I like that about it

Why the fuck don't you provision and configure the cloud virtual machine yourself, "web lead" guy who uses fucking WINDOWS to develop software? Why don't you install Webmin and PHPMyAdmin in the VM yourself if you like GUIs so much? Why do I have to configure Apache and MySQL and fix all sorts of little issues for your project just so you can use some shitty CMS? I'm not your fucking IT support guy. Go learn how to use Unix, take responsibility for your shit, and let me spend my time actually developing software.

"Hey Bobby, can you do XYZ for me? I can do it myself but it's such a pain in the ass"

So why the fuck would I do it if you can do it yourself? Guess what it's a pain in the ass for me too! And it's not even my problem!

Never trust others. Even if they own the system or service.

Better do it yourself.

Always ask yourself: Can I do it better?

I watched some of markipliers videos back when I watched yt

I felt down and like I wasn't giving my best and stuff
Searched for "markiplier inspiration"

Marks video "believe in yourself" is just that
Inspirational af

Say what you want about him, I guess there are people who think he's about the money or stuff, but no matter how you look at it he is a good guy.
He makes you laugh when you need it (if you get the idea of watching his videos)
He has a kind heart, he is a fucking inspiration on himself, inspiration in person.

Comparing myself to myself, I still think I can do better, but that's also what he encourages, set your own goals and just try to be a bit better than yourself
Only compare yourself to your past self.

I may not be as great as I want to be, but I am a lot fucking better than I was a year ago.

And that's what it's all about.

I'm gonna try a bit harder as I go, I wanna BE BETTER as he says, I am going to be fucking better.
It won't be instant, but I'll try.

I hope some one who reads this crap will get inspired a bit as well.
Believe in yourself, and know that others believe in you as well.

...His hair looked better in blue.

I fucking hate those apps/websites where you can create an account but there's no fucking way of deleting it by yourself, nor even by messaging a moderator...fuck, and it's even worse when they put you on their newsletter list and the unsubscribe doesn't do anything...Fuck

Please fellow devs, if you ever work on apps that require creating an account, provide a way to delete it too.

Ugh fuuuuuuck.

"We'll reach you out soon"

This is a sign you got rejected without hurting you.

"How do you see yourself few years from now?"
Is a sign that your employer would end your contract or you get to be terminated if you say that you will not be in their company.

"What's your expected salary?"
If you went overboard, they won't accept you. You either lower it or never give a fixed salary.

God why did no one tell me about these sooner. I'm facing mind-reading interviewer/recruiter/hr just to please them.

How can you call yourself a code if you live in a city and never experience the outdoors, trees, birds, life. I do it all the time and it gives me so many more ideas and concepts to include in my coding.
#include <outdoors.hpp>

"Can you teach us how to do x? If not, how much would you charge for doing it yourself?"

Bitch, my time is valuable, if I teach you, I'm gonna charge you anyway...

Find yourself a manager/leader who knows a bit about software engineering. Better still, find one who is/was a software engineer him/herself.

Because software engineering is a form of art. A leader who doesn't understand your art won't be able to properly appreciate it.

They won't be interested in how and why you make/do something. They're only interested in how fast can you get it done.

So my teacher doesnt like us sharing code with eachother cause: "Y'all learn it better when you figure it out yourself."
FFS if ya dont figure it out yourself, you'll end up having learnt nothing. So I ended up uploading every library and exercise solution I wrote to a github repo and shared it with my classmates. Prolly gonna get into some trouble for dis if my teacher finds out. But I dont care. I've written it so I can do with it whatever I want!

After drilling yourself with links and resources, documentation and cant execute what you want. You leave it.

Some time later you go back and you are like why the hell didnt I understand this it's so simple :/ and it literally says what to do.

This is when I became a calm developer. Don't rush yourself. If you want to quickly do something. READ dont just look 🙃

Also, don't persist with understand the official docs. The third party explanations will show you flames 80% of the times if you are learning something new.

How do you guys prevent yourself from overworking? With deadline pressures I feel like it is very easy to work more than your regular 8 hours

My wifi card has been in the bugs section of almost every major Linux distro for the past 4 years since an update. Tried almost every solution i could find. nothing helped. couldn't use it with it's unstable speed and disconnections. So much for open source and GNU/shit and fix it yourself crap. Do you really expect me to learn to write a wifi driver? I'm done with Linux. Installed Windows and everything was fine. open source software may be good but not the best. Much better to use proprietary software than to waste time trying solutions from the seventh page of google search results.

Started reading about toilet bidets, read some posts and one caught my attention cuz the disclaimer at the top.

"Warning: This is a review of a bidet. There will be unabashed talk of human excrement and the body parts that produce it. If that sort of thing offends you, then do yourself and everyone else a favor and stop reading now. Offended people screaming in the comments will not be tolerated. You've been warned."

😂

How do you prove yourself?

I'm an iOS developer and I've been developing apps for a year or two now and I don't see anything hard in it I just think it's knowing how to wire things up and avoid common bugs I've also worked on a couple of complex apps and the idea is just the same.

I want to know if I really want to prove myself well (to myself) how can I do that and how can I challenge myself more to improve.

Ps: I'm by no way an expert and I know I've got a big road ahead of me but I just want advise to improve more in the right direction

I have a few questions for the people having a 3D printer and/or are interested in 3D printing.

1. Where do you retrieve your models from? Or do you make them yourself?
2. What is your thingiverse name (if you have it)
3. Personally I'm missing a single good information source where questions can be asked, models can be shared etc. Thingiverse doesn't have a mobile UI and is pretty limited in my opinion. I'm thinking of creating a "social media" platform where people can share their creations, collection of information sources about 3D printing. Would you like to help or is there a good alternative for Thingiverse that I have not found yet?

Do you think it’s appropriate to use the phrase "dried" in commit messages to refer to removing duplicate code? (DRY = don’t repeat yourself)

I just used it and I’m not sure if it’s ok because some devs might not understand it and the the original letters from DRY went away and became "dried" so it might be even more cryptic.

On the other hand it’s so much more concise having "dried type X" compared to "refactored the code so that it doesn’t contain duplicates of type X"

- only idea is not enough
- it should bring in value to you
- accept you can’t do everything all by yourself

Day 2 of devWholesome...

Have another great day! Have fun and do something productive! It is always a great feeling when you finish something that requires a lot of time and effort. Finish that project that you started but never finished, clean your room, or maybe just catch up on school work! Make sure you are also taking care of yourself with your hygiene and to eat all your meals and drink plenty of water. If you are feeling stressed today, take a break and relax! And again, make the most out of your day!

Every single time I try and watch a coding related video on YouTube at the start I hear

'You need a website? Why not do it yourself..'

And I always respond with a sarcastic,

'Uh..why don't you go fuck yourself'

If you know...you know..

To all those working from home...
How do you keep yourself motivated to stick to a schedule?

I've been at this for 7 months now; it was great for the first 2 months, now I can't seem to get my ass together.

I still get my work done, but that's the problem.
Because I'm not motivated to stick to the schedule I've made, I'm chipping away at my non-work time to get the work done.

Any advice?

That rage when you reinstall Ubuntu MATE on its partition, and it decides to nuke your Windows partition instead, with all the files you had on it too.

FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

HOW HARD CAN IT FUCKING BE TO INSTALL YOURSELF WHERE I FUCKING TELL YOU TO? WHY THE FUCK DO YOU EVEN ASK ME WHAT TO DO, IF YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A MIND OF YOUR OWN ANYWAY?
DIE IN A FIRE

If you call yourself a developer or consider yourself part of the IT world and at the same time complain about software updates (all those dumb windows update rants) then do one of the following:
1- write a multi -million line of code OS that runs on virtually unlimited number of PC configurations and hardware and get the code right the first time with no major bugs, no security vulnerabilities, and a consistently fast and stable performance.

Or...
2- stop calling yourself a dev, or part of the IT world.

If the last 2 options are unreasonable, unachievable, or unfathomable.... Then stop bitching about software updates.

How do you guys motivate yourself to finish private side projects?
This is merely a rant about my incompetence to stay motivated until I finished a project just for and by myself... Most of the time I start coding until I figured out how it works and then mostly never touch it again. And this is fucking silly

Refactoring is like dating. You have to remember stuff, maybe you're insecure and you may have to overcome yourself to actually do it.

But when it works out, it's great.

Me:
-Lack of experience
-slow learner/fast learner
-not really a team player
-always keep a positive attitude
-but when I started doing smthing, I'll finish it.
-willing to learn

I wonder if anyone would still hire me to their company.. Let me know.. I fucking hate my workplace and the owner. You hire me for doing smthing else, and you always told me to do smthing else that is not even related to my job. I'm not your fucking ass cleaner. = = you shit on that thing, you clean it yourself. Fucking fucking fuck!

Magento 2.

If you've worked with it, you know why.
If you don't know why, do yourself a favor and keep it that way.

many many times in the past I had this impostor syndrome in various situations but I never lost faith in my dev skills!

you have to be humble to realise that this situations are fine and that you will learn something from it (not necessarily tech things, but also how life works). Also you have to realise that development as everything else in life is just never ending learning endeavour! When you accept all of that, impostor syndrome goes away forever.

It's been around 3 years since I felt like impostor for the last time because I accepted who I am as a person.

It crawled up on me last week in a different way - I was thinking of myself - what if I am just really good at googling things and understanding how those things work but I am also very capable problem solver so I can understand the principle and apply it to my code.

Then I realised - ok, that's what programmers do! So that's the story of how the impostor syndrome actually become confirmation syndrome!

Folks, believe in yourself, be forgiving to yourself as we all were there, give yourself some time as people don't become good developers overnight - and this is OK.

Oh my, never was i triggered more. Of course i can only speak for my experience. I study software development as focus.

First off, the starting languages and or concepts you learn.
Why the fuck do they start with java and don't even really explain how instances actually work? Of course they don't. Because it would be way too fucken much for a semester to go over garbage collection, Instanciation of stuff, allocation in such an advanced system, etc..
How about starting with something not 50% managed by a vm?
Good ol' C. And now don't tell me thats a rough start. We all know about these subjects or exams where it's all about sorting people out. Who will be able to manage a whole bunch of shit or who should consider something else.
Yo dawg sick idea: how about sorting it via the will to achieve the skill of coding?
Nah but we make the exams around coding (by the fucking way done on paper, what the hell) such a fucking breeze, asking you how to convert hex do dec.
Meanwhile maths will make you cut yourself in a dark corner, after you nearly shot yourself because of some lame-ass business-subject.

Weekly Q: How do you keep yourself motivated?
A: No matter what - I allocate a little bit of time every week to something I really care about right now.

When I was green it was mostly learning. Now it's mostly codebase cleanup, dev experience improvement or dabbling with some feature that's not prio.

Might not sound like a lot but doing it weekly does add up.

Installing a software on Linux can be such a pain sometimes....
This software needs a dependency, which needs another, which in turn needs another......

I mean if you already know you need it, go install it yourself. Why do I need to do everything manually?

And no. A simple apt get install won't work. You need a third party dependency which adds the package to the repository and some other stuff before you can do anything.

Why? Just why?

Little brother wants learn programming and asked me if I could help him learn it.
"Sure, I'll show you how I learned it."

Gave him a book for starters to go through it. To have a slightly better time, I'll read his code and recommend some ways to go.

In my opinion it's important to learn to learn by yourself and learn to help yourself. Therefore I think this is kinda a good way to start with a bit of supervision from me.

What do u think of it, or how would you have done it?

I mean sure I could be some kind of teacher, but with a fulltime job + uni I don't really have time for that.

In getting a remote job, go to a lot of online job boards. Filter their feed for remote work or work from anywhere. Get the RSS feed (if they don't have it, make one yourself), and add them to your RSS reader, like Feedly.

Do the following daily:
Go through the feed, study the job post ad, apply for the job as per their instructions. Archive those you don't have an interest in and those that you have applied. Repeat.

This also applies for hunting freelance contacts too.

Combatting imposter syndrome is all about being more realistic with yourself imo.

Not in the way you might think. By realistic, I mean you NEED to regularly tell yourself that you are doing your best - especially in the work or areas that can promote insecurities of “not being good enough”. Acknowledge that you are only human, that all of us are different, that all of us make mistakes, and all of us have different interests in life. That, and practice gratitude for your situation. Your interests and decisions lead your different paths, so might as well embrace, enjoy, and love your uniqueness.

That being said, I also think it’s important to do difficult things. I think @wisecrack said it the best in that “real learning feels like falling”. Like the uncertainty of the abyss causes the most anxiety. Next time you feel like you don’t belong, recognize and separate that feeling and reframe it as a symptom to your own self improvement process. Take that risk and do things that are uncomfortable in the pursuit of personal success.

!rant

So this has probably been asked loads of times but I've never seen it. When working on solo projects for yourself do you still use source control like git or mercurial?

I usually don't because when I do personal projects its usually filthy and fast development to prototype quickly.

However, this current project I'm working on I am using git and I'm finding that slowing myself down just to follow good practice is actually improving my code quality and my understanding of my own project.

When do you consider yourself a senior IT/Programmer?

joined blind today...

i don't see smart engineers...

all i see is a bunch of scared sheep blathering around and complaining and wondering why a job in a capitalist society isn't 100% secure all the time...

get off leet code for once and read a damn history book

🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡