Conversation with my Boss

B: Are u a hacker?
M: No
B: We need a hacker?
M: Why?
B: Because X department wants to do a hackathon.

Installed Linux on an old windows laptop. This is my conversation 5 minutes ago...

Wife: "Have how you got internet?"
Me: "What do you mean, it has a wireless adapter built in?"
Wife: "But it's not Windows?"

WTF!!!

Me: "Pass my phone, this is going on devRant"
Wife: "Please no, not again"

Heard a conversation between my colleague and the boss

Boss: (saw my colleague's messy desk) hey, could you organize your desk? It's not nice to see when clients come in. You know what they say, messy desk represents a messy brain..

Colleague: (glanced over to the boss' empty desk) and what does an empty desk say for the brain?

Train conversation between 3 girls:

A: "Oh, I've got 4G.. "
B: "What, we have 4G!?"
C: "OMG I HATE 4G!"
A: "Yeah, it's almost as slow as E"
C: "I know, right?!"
.....
Kill me pls

Phone conversation between me and a client:

CLIENT: "I see it weird..."
ME: "Which browser are you using?"
CLIENT: "The one you tech guys don't like"
ME: "Internet Explorer, isn't it?"
CLIENT: "Yeah, I'll switch to Firefox then."

* phone conversation with Dad*
Dad: What are you doing?
Me: Busy creating website.
Dad: So, if I type " www", will I be able to see it?
Me: *explaining website hosting and servers for 15mins straight*
Dad: Huh. You do learn something in college then.
Me:🤐

Best conversation this week:

A: *reporting a visual bug* The text on this page seems to be placed too far to the right, is this intended?

B: No, it's indented.

Listening to a conversation about politics near my desk and had a Freudian slip in my code...

My girlfriend is on phone, now over 3 hours complaining something about her friend, she doesn't suspect she is talking to my Google Assistant. Looks like my Google Assistant is doing pretty good.

"Mm-hmm."

I just overheard a conversation in my uni and I'm horrified.
They want to use Comic Sans as the main font in the app they're going to develop
I hope I just imagined this

Had this conversation the other day:

Girl: So, what do you do?

Me: I'm a Software Developer.

Girl: So you write 1 and 0 all the day?

Me: Yes!

----
I actually work with C#

Client: "This feature doesn't work! I thought you said it was done?!"
Me: "Please press CTRL+F5 and try again..."
Client: "Okay, great, works now."

A conversation I seem to have on a very regular basis.

A friend called me up today . Here's how the conversation went
Jack :- Hey dude , my computer is lagging way too much . Do you think there's something wrong ? Like Virus ?
Me :- I don't know . What do you think might have caused that ?
Jack:- Oh , I kept my flash drive open without a cover , it might have caught some virus from the air.
Me :-

So what are you studying?

Software Engineering.

Oh, so sit infront of the computer everday?

For the most part, yes, but I also d...

What a waste of time, you and your videogame-internet. Back in my days...

-every conversation with elderly people ever.

Having a private conversation over WhatsApp these days...

So I had a job interview and got offered the job on the spot, then I went back to my manager at my current workplace to raise an issue about me being underpaid for this months wages and this is how the conversation went.

Enjoy.

Conversation in (not so far) future:

Me: Sorry boss, I can't get to work this morning. My car is updating. Automatically.
Boss: Oh you have that Windows 10 car, you can work from home today.
Me: Boss, but my computer...
Boss: Oh, okay it can wait till tomorrow.

I shit you not I had this conversation today...

Me: So this is either going to fix everything or break the universe... should I run it in the sandbox first?

Supervisor: We don't have a sandbox.

Me: Perfect. Okay. Well, are the most recent backups good?

Supervisor: No.

Me: Great. Are there backups at all?

Supervisor: Of course not.

Me: Awesome! ...should I run it anyway?

Supervisor: ...

Me: ...

Me: Fukkit.

Supervisor: Thug life.

A conversation with our network/system admin.

Me : Can I install linux on my computer, windows is slow and terrible.

Him : No, if you use anything but Windows in this company, you will be fired for bypassing our security protocols. Its written in your contract.

Me : *boots up my Macbook*

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

SOMEONE WAS HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH ME AND I TOLD THEM I'M A DEVELOPER

THEY ASKED IF I HAD A GIRLFRIEND

HAHAHAHAHAHA

.

.

.

.

of course I do devs are the coolests

Me: Your computer has Operating System corruption.

Customer: What does that mean?

Me: *something, something potato chips* and the only fix is to reinstall Windows.

Customer: Well that's stupid! I need my computer! Darn Windows! Microsoft should pay for that reinstallation! What causes that corruption anyway?

Me: Well, any number of things, but it's mostly caused by a part of the update not downloading correctly, so when it gets installed it creates a hole.

Customer: So now hold on... could shutting the computer down during the updates cause this corruption.

Me: It could, yes. That's why they say to not unplug your computer or shut it down while running the updates.

Customer: I see. Cause yeah, I remember that I was angry when it said it had to do updates, so I shut it down.

Me: Yep, that would cause it.

Customer: Okay, reinstall Windows...

This actually happend in my secondary school class. A new guy came to our class. The whole family moved from another city.
*new guy want to start conversation with me*
new guy: "So you into computers and stuff like that?"
me: "Yes" *seems like a cool guy , want to develop the conversation further* "what about you man? do you like computers? do yo program or smth?"
*new guy wants to look cool in front of me*
new guy: " Yeah dude, actually I am hacker"
*me saying to myself, oh fuck not again this shit*
he continues with: " Once I got into the NASA system"
*switches mode to making fun of him*
me: "what the fuck man? really? that´s freaking cool, how you manage to do that? "
new guy: " you know the thing when you press F10 when starting a comupter? "
me: "You mean BIOS?"
new guy : "yeah yeah man through that shit"
* I am done, laughing my ass off and walks away*

A recruiter from Amazon scheduled me a phone conversation with a hiring manager. So I took it in my room, cozy in my PJ's, but the manager decided he wants the video enabled. And that's when I realized what he's seeing right behind me...

This might be a little off topic, but I just wanted to talk about this for a bit.

I know that quite a lot of devs aren't the happiest of people, and I've seen many of you discussing depression around here. It's great to have this platform be open about these issues.

Makes you remember that people aren't all that bad, a small conversation with another person could make your day a bit more bearable.

Also, don't forget to have an honest conversation with yourself sometimes. Cut yourself, and others, a bit of slack.

Don't let the big black dog grow too much. It will still be there, but don't let it engulf you in darkness. 💜

Overheard this phone conversation:

"So I have to use Internet explorer since it is the only one that supports JavaScript.

I had to upgrade Java to use it, and now it has to be internet explorer, not even Chrome or Firefox supports JavaScript."

I honestly wanted to punch her in the face.

Guy in my class: "Why do you use Linux? It is shit. You can't even play games"

Me: "Lutris, PlayOnLinux, Wine with NVIDIA Drivers?. Did you ever even use Linux??"

Guy in my class: "What is that? No I didn't"

Me: "Don't talk shit about stuff you don't know... Then"

I think everyone a similar conversation at least once. Yesterday was my first time.

/*The following dialogue is an excerpt from an actual conversation I had a couple of hours ago*/

Microsoft support:
Please check that you've installed the correct version of JavaScript in the Control panel.

Me: JavaScript isn't standalone software.

MS: Are you sure you downloaded JS from Oracles website then?

Me: *ended the chat*

I did a little website where people can make reservations. I made an administration section where my client can create a reservation and delete them.

But every day damn I have this conversation. EVERY DAY between 9am and 10am:

My client to me: Can I ask you a question?
Me: Yes?
Client: [the question]
Me: Open the documentation i wrote for you.

Email = Perfekt (Chat) Conversation

Conversation with Microsoft support I had after 1 hour:

“You’ll need to wait for 15 minutes”
“By the way did you know you have 5GB free OneDrive storage with a Microsoft account?”
“I’m a customer of a 1TB onedrive plan”
“Well if you’re interested in using it, you’ve got 5GB for free” 🤦‍♂️😔

Overheard a conversation in class today: This dude was talking about how "Linux was terrible and worthless" because he'd spent a few hours trying to install Ubuntu on his laptop over the weekend and couldn't get it to work. I don't know how to tell him Linux isn't the problem here.

A conversation between me and a girl who is a university topper from CS degree.

After interviewing tens of candidates, finally found that one guy who doesn't start the conversation by mentioning jQuery 😂

Too many people started off with jQuery and didn't even bother to learn more about Javascript itself.

This conversation gonna be very very interesting 😆

I'll update further info in comments.

"could you put me through to a colleague who has the ability to have an actual intellectual conversation?"

-

Somehow I finished the call but God damn it took some energy and self control not to completely lose my shit. His tone was also very denigrating (he just didn't agree on something which was his fucking problem)

Fuck him.

Real conversation:

dev 1: so what are you working on these days?

dev 2: some wordpress project.

dev1: hahaha. wordpress is shit. are you a real developer?

dev 2: have you ever used wordpress?

dev1: no.

dev2: okay.

The question goes straight to @linuxxx.

How secure is Viber? After an update recently, each conversation one starts says it's end to end encrypted.

How true is that?

"Do you like your job? I mean, all those collored lines in that funny font... sitting at the desk with this adorable rubber duck... Do you guys jus".....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Me: "SHUT UP YOU STUPID ASSHOLE!!! I MADE 26 COMMITS DURING THIS FUCKING DAY, THE DAY THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE LAST WORKING DAY OF THIS SHITTY YEAR! I HAVE NOT SLEPT AS I SHOULD AT ALL CAUSE THIS FUCKING MIGRATION OF NEW YEAR'S UPDATE AND NOW... AHH NOW YOU STUPID FYCKING PSYCHO... NOW I HAVE TO CONTROLL MYSELF DURING NEXT DINNER WITH FRIENDS, HAVE NO MUCH ALCOHOL CAUSE DURING SUNDAY, EVEN ITS A FUCKING HOLIDAY AND EVEN IF I AM IN A LOOONNGG HANGOVER, I DO STILL NEED TO COMPLETE THIS FUCKING NEW YEAR MIGRATION YOU ASS PUNK! GO FUCK YOURSELF YOU LITLE USELESS TINY LITLE SHIT!!!"

And this is how I see my new years resolution: the time is priceles doing this questions to me...

Happy new year, fellazz! 💃🎆🎉

I never liked cleaning my room.... usually the conversation goes like this

Dad: clean ur room
Me: meh... I'll do it later

$200 robot vacuum: clean ur room otherwise the crap on the floor will jam me
Me: ok ok... Give me a few mins

My designer made this after overhearing a conversation DEVS were having.

User: "it stopped working"
Me: "ok. Could you be more specific?"
User: "it just closed"
Me: "could you give me the stacktrace/error message?"
User: "no."
Me: "why?"
User: "can't find it"

With a long conversation and some frustrating debugging it turned out that, ironically enough, the crash reporter crashed...

Having an english conversation with a russian client.
"What do you want the info to be?"
"I want the name, adress and etc."
"Etc?"
"Yes! I attached you a picture with everything...as you can see..."
<the picture is a huge table in russian>
"But the table is in russian"
"Yes"

Client: You can develop a e-commerce system for me right?

Me: Yeah sure, whats your budget?

Client: 100$ and I want a really good vps included in the price.

** FManzi left the conversation **

No more work for inexperienced

Future pickup lines.
...
(Some random conversation)
...
Girl :- So what do you do for a
living ?
Me :- Umm, I am a writer.
Girl :- Oh ! Wow, Awesome. What
do you write ?
Me :- Well, you know.
Code. I write code.

Annoyingly typical office conversation:

Person 1: "Good morning."
Person 2: "Good morning, how are you?"
Person 1: "Good. How are you?"
Person 2: "Good."
Person 1: "Good."

NO! Not good, fuckers. I hear this all day long, come up with something real or original. Talk about the massive shit you just took, or how hard you're taking the news about Diablo Immortal. It reminds me of that scene in Office Space with the repetitive call center lady, lol.

Actual conversation:
- Vim has weird commands. For instance, you copy by typing "Y".
- Why?
- Correct.

That moment when my boss and I were having a conversation (2 weeks into my new job) and she tells me her daughters name is "Amber" and I jump up with, "oh snap!! That's my dogs name too!!" 😑

Had a fun little conversation with a potential employer...

Him: We use git for version control. To work with our team you'll be expected to do the same and be proficient at it.

Me: Not a problem. I am well versed with all things git! May I ask, what does your work flow look like?

Him: All of our source lives in a single repo and everyone commits straight to master.

Me: 😐...

Him: Conflicts will not be tolerated.

"So what do you do?"
"I am a software engineer"

3 most frequent conversation routes

1. "I have some great app ideas maybe you could help me..."
2. "My computer/phone crashes frequently, what is wrong with it?..."
3. "so how many software/games/mobile apps have you developed?..."

!rant
Thinking about quitting my job and opening a bar named "foo" where the walls have a tapestry of random foo-bar code examples. (Easy conversation starter for programmers)

Another error, another long conversation. Hello again, ol' friend 😎

Conversation with my boss via texts across the table in a meeting.

I find coding is the best way to alleviate boredom on a plane.

Not because I enjoy coding that much, but because there are two types of people:
1) Those who know what programming is and who will ALWAYS ask about it interested. (Conversation starter)
2) Those who don't know what it is and just assume you're hacking the plane!

Coding changed the way I think, made me more confident about my decisions, and ruined my conversation topics.

I gave lift to an old man. Starting the conversation
He: what do you do?
Me: I am a software engineer
He: Nice....... where do you get the material to build a software?
Me: mmmmm google or stackoverflow
He: maybe they are new in market, never heard of them

From r/linuxmasterrace (u/KeithKatar)

How many times has this conversation happened at your workplace?

My roommate

He’s become so cynical watching crappy engineers write dumpster fires that every single time he is chatting with somebody in online dating he details the conversation and starts ranting about crappy software

“So what do you do?”
“I’m a software engineer”
“Oh I have this computer...”
“LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT YOUR COMPUTER”

Seriously he needs supervision when dating

Update on my rant from yesterday where I mailed my hosting admin that I got blocked.
I am not offended
Check out the whole conversation. Its by far the best converstation over mail.

Conversation with my older sister

Me: "open CMD and enter command"
Big sis: *enters command*
Me: "Look for Ethernet Adapter"
Her: "What?? I can't see it"

*pause 'cause I'm confused*

Her: "Wait, was I supposed to press enter?"
Me: ...

A triangle to a circle

t : you're pointless 😑

c : that's how I roll 😎

My boss when:

Conversation regarding passwords:

Me: "It should be longer than that"
Other dev: "That's what she said"

*taking note of the inappropriate-ness*

Me: "We need to get a room for us"
PM: "That's what she said"
Me: "Come on Ryan!"
Other dev: "That's what she said"
Sales Lady: "This will never end!"
Me: "That's what she said!"

Office dies for a minute. Michael Scott would be proud.

Conversation between me (intern) and a guy from communications, let's call him Bob.
Bob: "Hey, client X wants these pages to be changed."
Me: "Again? Last time I changed them was less than a week ago!"
Bob: "Yeah, everyone thinks X is a pain in the ass, but hey, more money for us."
Me: "But you don't pay me..."
Bob: "Oh yeah, you're right haha XD."
Me: "Haha... :')"

Overheard this conversation today:
1: look at this! My shiny new iPhone can measure stuff!
2: how accurate is it?
1: not very, it is pretty buggy.
2: how did the bugs get in there?
3: it is an apple so

A conversation with my friend:

Me: Sure, I’ll whitelist you. What’s your IP?

Friend: I think it’s localhost.

Me: ...

devRant is the only social media I like and use regularly.

It certainly has it faults, as any network of people will, but overall I think it provides a much needed conversation between like-minded people.

GDPR conversation in public transport

“GDPR is so boring, basically it means delete all your clients and go home”
- unknown

Can I write this?

Studying Multimedia Arts, we are required to take a couple of courses in basic web development. (PHP). Since its known as new media grrr 🙄

Coming from a webdev background, I have no problem understanding PHP. However other designers in my course do.

A friend messaged me asking me how to fix a problem while in the dev environment. She tried explaining her problem without any of the terms we use in our general communication. You can read the conversation below.

I broke off a long term relationship recently and today I deleted the text conversation with my ex. With 13000 messages being deleted at once I managed to crash my texting app for a whole 10 minutes.

As a human being, you're multithreaded. You can type with multiple fingers, you can drive and hold a conversation at the same time. The only blocking function we have to deal with is sneezing, where all current activity must be suspended for the duration of the sneeze. That's pretty annoying, especially when you're driving and trying to hold a conversation. You don't want to write code that's sneezy.

OMG! I fucking hate it when people who have no idea about technology whatsoever have a conversation about some 'technical stuff' and I've got to listen to trash like:

A: "It's a wonder that all of this stuff actually works!"
B: "Yeah, I heard that it all connects over some kind of WAVES or something like that..."

FFS! I know you can't know everything, but please for the love of god ... just don't!

- Currently sitting on the train and cringing like a madman -

My conversation with a phone plan.
Me: Hi phone plan, why isn't my data working?
Phone plan: You used it all, wait until the 1st day of the month for it to renew.
Me: *checks calendar* It is the 1st?
Phone plan: April fools! It really renews on the second!
Me: ...

So we were out celebrating the 18th Birthday of a friend and the conversation drifted to mobile phones and some people were seriously asking why someone who can afford it doesn't choose an iPhone and why her brother chose the Google Pixel over the iPhone because apparently iPhones seem to be the best phones for these IT people

Worst part being a dev

I generally do anything on a computer with music

I get so annoyed when people just randomly start talking so I have to pause my music, take off my headphones and talk to them.

Wouldn't be a problem if the conversation wasn't completely useless to me... I know people like to be listened, but don't you see the headphones? it means that I don't want to chat with anyone...

Conversation with Boss about a new project.

[Me]: We have to program an API and preferably our own backend, so that all the wishes of the customer are covered. In addition, there will also be an app later, as the customer has requested

[Boss]: Why should we program everything from scratch?

[Me]: We do not have to program everything from scratch, we can already use some existing stuff, or even use frameworks etc. But the project is so complex that such a path must be taken.

[Boss]: Hmm, ok.

... some time later ...
boss comes to me.

[Boss]: (shines and is very happy) I have the perfect solution! We simply use Shopware and finish the project as soon as possible.

Are you fucking kidding me? I’ve never worked with Shopware, and the Backend looks like fucking Windows 98. He’s not even a Dev! So how can he judge it that way?
he does that every fucking time!!

This is a conversation my friend and I had.

Me: let me just delete this file
*rm -rf filename*

Frnd: what does the rf do?

Me: Don't know man I just do it coz the memes tell me to.

50 years from now, this might be a conversation I have with my son and grandson"

Me: "I remember the time we had a dot matrix printer"

Son: "What's a dot matrix printer?"

Grandson: "What's a printer?"

— I heard you like programming and are quite good at it.
— Don't know about the latter but I do like it.
— Cool. Can you help me set up this Excel spreadsheet?
Actual conversation I had about two months ago...

An old conversation with a former Team Lead (TL)

TL: The client has requested for a feature. Can you provide an effort estimation.

(gives estimation with task breakdown)

TL: 2 weeks? They wants it in 3 days!

Me:

"I have this great idea for an app, it'll be like Facebook but better"

How I imagine the conversation went before devrant was made

So I went to a Linux meetup group and there was this dude wearing an Arch Linux shirt and I went straight up to him and mocked him a bit. Had a nice conversation about i3 configs and other nerdy stuff. We stayed in touch via twitter :)

The phone conversation that resulted in a breakup:

Me (to the new girl): So, which service did you take?

[My girlfriend enters and takes the phone from me; I was shocked by the sudden entry]

New girl: GoDaddy!

Girlfriend slams the phone on my face.

That day, I lost 2 things: one on-going and another potential relationship ...

Its never a good idea to let 2 bots have a conversation on Discord...

i think they have some kind of relationship crisis idk.

Typical conversation between my parents and me

Parents: Can you make stuff?

Me: Make what?

Parents: The thing you do all the time.

Me: "Computer stuff"?

Parents. Yah...

Me: Well, yes, why?

Parents: What can you do?

Me: Well, I know C# the most...

Parents: Can you then make software like Facebook, Twitter, etc?

Me: Well, I can, but that will take a lot of time.

Parents: You should really make something and make money.

Me: Ok. (goes into my room, and turns on laptop)

(a few monents later....)

--[[CHORUS START]]--

Parents: U DOIN COMPUTER???

Me: Uh-huh.

Parents: When did I said to do "Computer stuff"?

Me: Well, you said to rest.

Parents: But I never said to do your "Computer stuff"!

Me: But you said to rest. For an hour!

Parents: WHY U SHOUT AT ME!!!! TURN OFF THAT **** NOW!

Me: Ok.... (turns off and opens C# book immediately)

Parents: What's that?

Me: C# book

Parents: What's C#?

Me: Programming language.

Parents: Where can you use it?

Me: Make stuff.

Parents: Like what?

Me: (lists my personal projects)

Parents: Show me.

Me: (turns on the computer and shows one of it)

Parents: Good. (leaves)

--[[CHORUS END]]--

Me: (deep breath) Can I FINALLY use the computer?

--[[CHOURS]]--

Everytime a non tech friend start a conversation like "hello my lovely companian, I think I forgot my Instagram password.."

Always ends up with "..so can you hack it for me"
-_-

Why is it that every time I tell someone I love programming the immediate question that follows is: "So you can hack?". And when I tell them that I can't, the conversation is over.

When these "LinkedIn recruiters" call me and start the conversation by saying: "We are a growing company and we can't offer you what you are asking for"

Like what!! Really? You called me at the first place!

Actual conversation today with one of my remote developer teammates in Ukraine

Me: "next up I'd like to discuss the 'bigger picture' so you have context for the next tasks..."

Dev (after an hour or so and some chat in between...): "Yes, could you please send more details about a large images issue?"

Me (somewhat perplexed): "what are you... oh! Haha"

😂😂😂

Note to myself:

Went alone to a conference, without knowing someone and
have problems to start a conversation with complete stranger,
is a stupid idea.

Social anxiety HURRAY but at least the talks were nice.

I hate recruitment agencies. Had a conversation, i said no thanks. They phone back they next day and tell me i need to let them know if i want to go forward with the job then get angry with me as i tell them no again. WTF?!?!!

Anyone else need about an hour after work before talking to anyone outside of work because you'll just point out every logical flaw in the conversation like an asshole.

Just found out that our no-reply mail is having a conversation with another autoreply! Turns out that it's autoreply that's supposed to tell people to stop writing is autoreplying to a customers autoreply. Haha...

We were having a conversation with a bunch of friends and somehow i came up with this

Ps, the data is valid

Overheard a conversation between programmers:

.... Your dirty hack finally caught up with you!
.. it is responsible for bug A, B , .. E ... F..

That "temp" code was not touched in years.

when you really get into deep conversation with allo about siri

A friend asked if I could take a look at the function, which he wrote, to see if two trees are equal.

The chat conversation:

F: I sent code.
Me: *put eye on "flag and && true"
F: Hey?
F: You are there?
F: All right?!

A few hours later...

Me: Each time this function is executed, a programmer dies. Goodbye.

And so it's over.

Rant about social media in general, including devRant.

I enjoy interacting with like minded people. What I do not enjoy is the whole degradation of the conversation at hand. Sooner or later, someone takes something the wrong way, addresses something this social network was not meant to address (it's devRant not Facebook), and the audience has a multitude of English as a #(rd/th/whatever) language human beings.

Accept that as the premise, and I think we could get along a lot better.

However commonly this fact is ignored. Understand the sentiment behind statements, not the statement itself. If any part of it is unclear, then request clarification.

Agree, disagree, civil debates one thing, but degrading the conversation to name calling or similar emotions only results in poor communication, useless emotions running high, and nothing gained.

</rant>

The moment when you can't be bothered to tell family or friends what you do for a living so you just say working with computers....and the conversation normally stops there....

Also bonus when they contact you in the future to fix ALL their computer issues.....

Me - "I need to find the children"
CTO- "Okay. How many?"

It takes about 10 minutes to realize the conversation you just had

When you turn up to work and realise you forgot your headphones so you gotta try and concentrate while overhearing every conversation in the office.

!dev !rant but still funny story

As the goth of the dev team, sometimes people ask me several things about me.

I was working on my code. It was 3 or 4PM and a bored dev asks came to me

He: Have you ever tried to be a vampire?
Me: No, I’m just a goth
He: Do you know a vampire?
Me: Unfortunately no, but I’ve heard of them.
He: Do they suck blood?
I don’t know if he was asking because of curiosity or in a sarcastic mode. As usual, I answered in a polite way explaining him what means to be a vampire, the types (blood and energetic) and the difference between a goth and a vampire.

While I was explaining to him this, the boss came into the office, heard me talking about the energetic vampires and said “Wow wow wow! What is coming on here?!” 😂

- Honey, your code reminds me of the delicious dinner you cooked us last night!
- Oh you mean the meatballs and Spag-.. Wait a minute...

Today I was being social, apparently not a success.

In the train on the way to work I had a talk with a cute girl. Ten minutes in the conversation she started putting on makeup, to which I replied that she looked great without makeup as well.

Then she was offended and put on music...

Apparently you cant give compliments

I hate Skype for Business with a passion. It's the most garbage useless chat program imaginable. It can barely send basic text chats without throwing an error, and it can almost never send an image without the upload failing. The fact that it can't even save conversation history for each of your chats within Skype is ridiculous -- it fucking saves the conversation as an email draft in Outlook. Come on Microsoft, why do I have to open a completely separate program to view conversation history?! Skype conversation history should be saved IN SKYPE! Fucking AIM was able to save conversation history. I've tried multiple times to get the company to move to Slack or Teams, and for some reason they think that Skype is a good program and they ignore the fact that it's completely useless. It's 2019, why are we using a program that's built like it's 2009? I swear they haven't updated Skype at all in the last decade

Dumbfucks start conversation with me on LinkedIn and never care to respond.

Go and fuck yourself in ass with a cactus.

So you are having a conversation about relationships, breakup etc with your friend on WhatsApp.
Then you instantly see a tinder ad on the first YouTube video you play.
Coincidence or something else ? 🤔
(Every one has some similar experiences i, I bet)

Client: I don't know programming. But I think you should make the button more fancy?

Me: ... I am not Harry Potter, don't imagine programming like magic. And you ain't even a programmer...

Daily conversation with our precious client

Reported an important security vulnerability inside our organization, right before getting off work. A security team member contacts me over chat asking for some details on my investigation. At the end, he tells me: "thanks, I will copy and paste this conversation on the ticket so that everyone can see".

What I imagined: he would copy and paste the conversation as is, so that every line written by me is prefixed with my name.

What he does: he writes a summary of our conversation, barely mentioning my name, making it look like that part of the investigation was done by him.

Now I have so much anger inside of me that my internal organs are boiling.

My roommate: why do you look so mad.

Me: stupid program is broke

My roommate: didn't you fix it yesterday?

Me: yes. I broke some thing else

Roommate: oh on a different project?

Me: nope same one.

Roommate: [walks away more confused than when the conversation started]

My team are so needy and incapable of figuring anything out independently that I've basically not got any of my sprint tasks done so far. So today I told them that I was working from home for a day to actually get done work done, but I'm on Slack if they really need me.

The only observable difference now is that instead of just bugging me, they start every conversation with, "sorry, I know you're busy, but..."

Naming conversation 😝

Just another normal conversation as a Kubernetes Operator

Recent covo
Me; wow!! I love this phone 😍😍
My girlfriend: Then date it. Leave me 😣

Being a programmer for a while now it always irritates me to try to explain what I'm working on to friends and family. I forget what I knew before I developed. I'm always like "I made the strings in the database- oh I mean the words...well they're actually more like strings of letters- well anyway I made a code to sanitize the user input- I mean make it so it is secure before uhhh saving." I spend so much time watering what I'm saying down I forget what I'm talking about

It's not even funny. It'd be funny if one single person in my family or friend group understood what I meant to some degree.

I was on a flight yesterday and I had my Bluetooth headset on me. As the flight was taking off, it happened to pick up what seemed like a cockpit conversation. It was pretty darn strange and kind of freaked me out. It kept me awake till we landed and has now messed up my sleep too.

"Can you hear me?" – This is how my Skype conversation starts, interrupts and ends with long distance Client.

@lunch conversation today..
Q: "if you were to write this world in a virtual environment, what would be the first thing you would define? "
A:" define Vegas as a closure with no return declared.
Whatever happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. "

Yesterday at work the internet went out. Our director of IT stopped by our cubes and the conversation that followed went like this:

Director: "Is the internet out for you guys?"
Us: "Yeah"
Director: "But you can still check your emails right?"
Us: ".... No?"
Director: "But the phones are working!"

*Director walks away to talk with our networking group*

Just taught a neural network to have a polite conversation. It might as well be a goldfish flopping on a keyboard, but hey, it's something...

Why do programmers confuse halloween and christmas? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.

The person who I was closest to in the workplace is leaving and everyone else is a "professional employee" and they make "work safe jokes" that deserves "polite laughter" now everyone looses their shit if I let out the f word. I guess I will have my next free conversation with the goldfish.

conversation between me and coworker via slack:

me: why ffs does this class extend this class. Calling it as a static?
me: it's called as a static exclusively throughout the entire project. shouldn't it be moved to a core singleton class?
me: yup, moving it to core
me: thanks for being my rubber duck

Just overheard a conversation between 2 pilots while waiting to board a flight at an airport about some airplane related software. The guy talking seemed very proud (read egotistical) about his tech knowledge. It went something like... "Well you see it's open source so they are worried someone might have put a backdoor in it somewhere".

That's the point of open source you dumbass you actually have the ability to check 🤦‍♂️

When your "product owner" just doesn't listen...

Skype conversation:

PO: What format will the dates need to be in for the csv file upload?
Me: Just tell them YYYY-MM-DD
PO: ok

Two weeks later...

PO: there is a bug in the csv file upload! The dates aren't being picked up
Me: ok will have a look, send me through an example date the are using
PO: ok, example date 12/03/1990

FFS! 😡

Had a conversation with the client , idiot was asking what will happen to the Android application.If he clicks the power off button.

I fuxking want to killl myself -_-

Friend: i have an idea
Me: what is it?
Friend: uber is not yet here, lets do the app exactly like uber only for the city, can you do that like in one month?
Me: uber is a billion dollar company with several and the best engineers in the world
Friend: so what, just copy the exact same idea, of course the money comes when the app is done
Me: sure... ill call you in a month. (delete conversation)

So I had this conversation with my dad
Background : He saw news about some celebrity's Twitter account got hacked.

Dad : Do you know how to hack a Twitter account?
Me : No dad. There are ways for people who do this kind of stuff.
D : But, you studied software engineering!
M : Yeah, but I don't do hacking.
D : Although hacking is not ethical but everyone should know about their field.

*Awkwardly left the room*

Just because I studied computer science doesn't mean that I SHOULD know hacking.

And this is not the first conversation of this kind!

Friend: Is this Nvidia GTX 440 a good graphics card?
Me: idk
Friend: if i get it how do i put it in my computer
Me: idk
Friend: but you are a programmer
Me: exactly, i am not an engineer

Dear University,

How can I entrust you with my emails when you are using outdated, and weak cipher suites?

We will have a very long conversation!

Client called with a query regarding her email client. Said to me during the conversation, "I've got yozzamite". Took me a few moments to realise that she meant Yosemite.

Intelligent conversation

I don’t know if I have dyslexic hearing but I’m pretty sure I do.

I’m in school and overhearing a conversation about indenting lines for something. The software I heard was “Microword Soft.”

I’m slowly going crazy...

Windows 10: Please reboot, I want to update
Me: K, do it
Windows 10, after reboot: I could not update, what do?

I had this conversation with my laptop about 15 times in the past couple of months and SINCE THEN I DID NOT HAVE A SINGLE SUCCESSFUL UPDATE. WHEN A NEW WANNACRY ROLLS OUT I WILL BE THE FIRST VICTIM BECAUSE AT THIS POINT A POTATOE HAS MORE RECENT SECURITY UPDATES THAN I DO

Sat down with the Project Management team today to discuss a signage installation. This is how the conversation went...

Me: Right, so we need to get the hardware on-site asap so we can get this configured before it goes over to the production guys to have the facisa installed.
Them: That's fine we have plenty of time. Stop rushing things.
Me: Okay, so do we have the story board in place ready for development?
Them: Nope. Hasn't been done by the designer yet because he is in a bad mood.
Me: Okay so when does the client want this?
Them: 3 Weeks' time
Me: But it is atleast a week of dev time?
Them: Sure. But you can work late if needed...right?

This is a typical conversation between them and me. I'm the sole developer here. So done with today.

Some group conversation just now,

X: guys, anyone have the VPN app for mobile?

Y: *shared some vpn client app

Z: didn’t that one need a password or something?

Y: you can use the shared credentials we use at the office

X: dude seriously, I need vpn to browse some hentai

*how can you be bored with friends like these

So me and my colleagues were talking about bitcoin (how it works, why it's value is rising etc.). After sometime I logged into facebook and the first thing I saw was an ad for buying bitcoin, for the first time! Is this just coincidence or google is recording my conversation?

When i sit down and code, its like a conversation with women.
Im not sure whats going on, but it appears to be working.

In job description :
.....
- You should have a good communication skills .
....

At the company:
JUST FOCUS ON WRITING CODE , No useless conversation

“Falling in love with code means falling in love with problem solving and being a part of a forever ongoing conversation.”- Kathryn Barrett

Have you ever tried chatterbot library (python)?
Last day I tried to train a bot with a list conversation but no matter how long the list was , the bot was really stupid!

Do you have any idea how I can make it a bit smarter?

Going to a tech entrepreneurship meetup only to strike a conversation with a guy who looks for a CTO and mind rapes you for the entire mingling time. FMDL <-- this is me coining a “Fuck my dev life“ expression. Remember this day ;)

Had a weird but wonderful moment with my boss a little while ago - not being able to completely explain what I wanted to, I actually used the phrase (without thinking) "because... Reasons...". I realised what I just said as he looked at me and laughed, somehow we both just understood and it summed up the conversation.

Crossed the 3k mark.. 😁
Thanks to everyone.
Every rant, comment and conversation has been wonderful.
One of the best decisions I took in last 1 year was to join DevRant...

Anyone out there like agile but find that project managers make it horrible. It is kind of like when you are having an interesting conversation then a bore comes around and overtakes the cool conversation.

We hired a new developer and on his first day he starts nagging about our technical depts, our database and so on and so on, and we're all like, we know dude 😐

To make it worse, the guy eavesdrop on your conversation, interrupts you and tries to be a smart ass...
He doesn't know how our system works to begin with 🙄

Boss: we need to standardize the CMS we use.

Me: well 90% of what we build are custom Wordpress deployments...

Boss: yeah but Wordpress is best suited for all our clients.

Me: well yeah, I know...we could use Django or Rails and give the clients more customized solutions...

Boss: yeah but not all of our developers know those frameworks, and they require maintenance...

Me: -_- we could really use Jekyll for most sites we build

Boss: yeah, but what about our clients that want a blog?

Me: ...we can build a blog with anything...

Boss: ...we just need to standardize what we use.

Pssst!

Marry with her!!

When your non-programmer boss asks how exactly some code/bug was fixed.

"You sure? I mean, alright... "

It's not like every time something doesn't work right, this will be the fix. We're not going to have a conversation in the future where you help me troubleshoot something by remembering parts of this conversation.

When you got hired

HR: please come to us if there's any problems related work so that we can give a solution.

After years of working you send a mail with you problems, it's been months. Still no reply! And try to avoid conversation regarding that problem.

Passive aggressive commit notes should be mandatory, such a good stress reliever and conversation starter.

I have a coder friend...
Here's a translated conversation. (read original one followed)
She: Watcha doin?
Me: Foolishness.
She: Means what are you making?
Me: A fool.

Original--
She: Kya kar rahe ho?
Me: Chutiyapa
She: Matlab kya bana rahe ho?
Me: Chutiya :/

Recruiters on linkedin...

Recruiter: You'd be a great fit for this senior position! Let's chat!
Me (knowing I'm not senior level): Sure, let's chat!
Recruiter: Wait, you only have 3 years experience. You're not really qualified.
Me: Yup. You should probably look at a profile before starting a conversation.

I had to bite my tongue today when the MD and my colleague started to have a conversation about remote working "not working". It doesn't ******* work if you sit at your mom's kitchen table, cramped around "the team" while all using laptops without additional monitors.... yeah sure, my 3 monitors, large desk, peace and quiet and the ability to go to the bathroom without a security card "doesn't work" and is such a bad environment to get stuff done. ARGGGGG

Developers that prefer to play the asshole card because it is easier than going through the trouble of acting like a normal person and lose a chunk of their time.

I come across this more and more: if I have a conversation with a random stranger at an event, and we touch upon a new thing that neither one of us knows about or whatever, there is this sudden cut off when one stops the conversation and leaves, rather than staying and keep on exploring the subject and risk of saying something stupid.

Am I just in the wrong place talking to the wrong people?
Or is there some developer budget your time manual that I haven't heard about?

!Rant

when you join a comment conversation... i know it's not an original post, but i love these!

My boss was gossiping about all the staffs except me and the other person who was listening to him. I was coding and not part of the conversation.

What do you guys think, is he fit to be a boss and a leader?

When the sales guy decides to strike a conversation and breaks the code flow.

No, I'm not in the mood to talk

Just saying hello. I'm a Google Store chronic downloader and found this. I'm so happy to see so much conversation around coding. I've been learning by myself for 2 months and since then I've been desperate to have someone to talk about programming and stuff. I hope I can learn more and have fun here :)

> Learning Front End Development

> mention it in passing conversation

> "Hey I got this idea...."

My reaction everytime.

I worked with a delightfully eccentric co-worker for many years... He was a UI/UX guy by trade but had a uniquely broad set of experiences in life.
Typical day often included singing, nerd-ranting and general jovial conversation. He was always a hoot at lunch as well, choosing to loudly proclaim his ultimate satisfaction and enjoyment at the meal he was consuming.

So today at work while trying to get a group of people together to play a game of foosball my boss comes up to my friend and starts talking with him.

The conversation then goes on to include the topic of a new hire coming onboard and my boss not wanting to take him into our team because he feels that the new hire isn’t smart enough.

I’m the time span of this argument/conversation I went and helped another coworker, bought a keyboard from a friend and also finished reading a 25 page white paper.

At the end he still doesn’t want to have the new hire on our team.

All I wanted to do was play a game of foosball 😥

Best conversation I ever had with a manager.

Pulls me off into a meeting and in the same breath tells me he values my opinion, must not argue with him and he does not want "yes" men. Lol

This is long rant/story:

My manager conducts sync-up meetings regularly. The idea is to sync up all developers on current state of work. He does’t conduct stand-ups. He doesn't have time for it. He rather discusses on individual basis if we are blocked. The rule of the sync-up meeting is NOT to discuss any blockers or problems but simply explain each other what we are doing and how we plan next.

Sometime ago, the manager brought up and explained a new way of working in the sync-up meeting. At this point, a new developer in the team was absent due to sickness.

Today, there was a sync-up meeting and the manager started to question the new member about the newly introduced way of working. He was unaware of it and the manager never communicated this important information via email or any mode of communication available.

So, the conversation goes on as follows:

"Manager": — "Why didn’t you complete your task as per the new way of working?"
"Employee": — "Well, I've no idea. Am I supposed to do? I’ve been working as usual like any other"

"Manager": — "We have a new process and you have failed to follow it, so we’re late in delivering your work"
"Employee": — "I’ve already finished my work on time. I've raised a pull-request this morning"

"Manager": — "It doesn’t matter, it is not merged to main branch and so we can’t include your work in the release"
"Employee": — "I’ve no idea about the new process"

"Manager": — "Haven’t you asked around about what happened from previous meeting"
"Employee": — "Yes, I have. I was told which tasks were handled, but nothing about a new process"

"Manager": — "Aren’t you interested to learn it?"
"Employee": — "Why won’t I be interested? I was on a sick leave and I have no clue what happened here"

"Manager": — "What’s happened is past now, let’s not focus on it"
"Employee": — <Dumbfounded>
The Employee felt ashamed in front of everyone. He did his job but it didn’t pay off.

…. After an hour … the Employee had a talk with the Manager

"Employee": — "You shouldn’t have pointed me out in front of everyone. It made me feel real bad. You should have emailed this information if its important for the team."
"Manager": — "I have no idea what you’re talking about. When did I say so? I think you’ve a bright future in the team. You should be focusing on doing better things."

Employee goes back to work. A minute later, the Manager sends a PowerPoint screenshot of the process in the group chat.

**The Process**
It's about delivering release packages based on priorities defined by client. Each release package is a set of work items or requirements. Individual developers are assigned to work items. They are expected to deliver on planned delivery timelines in order to consider a work item into a release package.

A few days back I talked to a person who is far away from me with an air distance of 7937km and electronic signals moving at almost speed of light crossing countries. That was good decent conversation.

I love Slack because people say all sorts of things and then forget.

So resharing the direct link to a Slack conversation is a passive aggressive way to tell them off.

The second passive aggressive thing is making an animated gif of where that conversation took place.

* Conversation with friends on our Discord server *
[admin]
-Hey guys! Soon there will be a programming competition on our server, we encourage you to participate
[person A (me)]
-Language?
[person B]
-Engine?
[person C]
-The goal of the competition?
[person D]
-Story?

When you juggling between a technical conversation, a private conversation and one with your parents at the same time.

I don't know what to feel anymore

We have the funniest and weirdest conversations during lunch, most of them not dev related. Have been thinking about ranting them for a while now because they are just good fun.

The following one brought a bit of a discussion so It convinced me to post it because i would like to hear all of your opinions about this one:

Imagine that one day you come home and there is a (deep) clone of yourself having sex with your wife, what would you do?

We got divided into 3 groups mostly.
Group one would send him away and let him life his own life.
Group two would make use of the fact that there are 2 of them.

Group three would murder him, the explanation Why Was quite interesting, because it was the first instinct of them, it would also have been from the clone, that's why that had to.

Again I would like to hear what you all would do :)
Maybe if this one does okay I will post more stories

Dev calls are so awkward when you're waiting for everyone to join and someone insists on having a conversation

"If there is one word I’d like to remove from any conversation about design, it’s 'pretty.'" - Aarron Walter

I think I speak for everyone when I ask, "How did the conversation go between @trogus and @dfox when they were setting out on creating this app?"

Our stand up takes an hour everyday.

Explanation: everyday the same two guys pretty much hijack stand up by talking about tickets that ONLY involve them and has no relevance or dependency to the 8 other guys standing idle. Eventually I suggest they take the conversation offline because the rest of us aren't required. Scrum master gets offended and looks at it me like I've just spat in his face.

Productivity out the window or am I at fault?

Anyone else here that doesn't answer people that only write "hi" to initiate a conversation?

I always feel like they try to put me in charge of leading the convo. You wouldn't call someone and just say Hi, now would you?

So I had a nice conversation with man who develops web for around 30 years , he said he loved angular 2 , but he doesn't get the reason of html5 , I just look at him with a straight face thinking " god , you testing me ?"

Today, making a list out loud while in a conversation with a co-worker.
Me:
"thing one" *puts out hand*,
"thing two" *raises thumb*,
"thing three" *raises index finger*,
"thing four" *raises middle finger*

Co-worker: "That's 3 fingers, you said 4 things.."
Me: "I guess I mentally counted in base 0.."

TFW you google an error and all you get are GitHub issues with rambling conversation and no resolution. Marginally better than having no relevant responses IMHO.

Going through the conversation for xxxxth time with my business partner, why we will not launch a new product on top of pre-made PHP script / plugin.

Just got our company into TDD, and automated QA via CI server & code checks etc, PLEASE stop trying to drag us back into the land of spaghetti code & bug legions in production. That's all thxbye.

business: could you just add this small button? it's nothing right?
my thoughts: why... why do we keep on having this conversation???