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So, this random teen on subway asked me if it was 9GAG I was scrolling [i was on this app ofc]. I said it's better than 9GAG.
He went on like this "oh cool, does it have the the NSFW section too?"
...
Me: a...No, but can learn coding stuff
Him: hacking?
Me: hacking is not what you thin... [He interrupted me]
Him: Damn cool, I wanna learn hacking, it's my stop nice meeting you tell me the name of the app
Me: a...9...ha...ck, 9hack!
Him: cool, thanks. [Gets off]
(Um...Some people just don't deserve DevRant, if you know what I mean)31 -
Me: *busy doing dev stuff with my laptop*
Sis: *looks at my to-do stickies* Hey, what's Log4j?
Me: *without looking away from my screen* it's a library.
Sis: oh, cool! Where is it? Do you have a membership?
Me: Ha-Ha. This is going on devRant.2 -
I am an indie game developer and I lead a team of 5 trusted individuals. After our latest release, we bought a larger office and decided to expand our team so that we could implement more features in our games and release it in a desirable time period. So I asked everyone to look for individuals that they would like to hire for their respective departments. When the whole list was prepared, I sent out a bunch of job offers for a "training trial period". The idea was that everyone would teach the newbies in their department about how we do stuff and then after a month select those who seem to be the best. Our original team was
-Two coders
-One sound guy(because musician is too mainstream)
-Two artists
I did coding, concept art(and character drawings) and story design, So, I decided to be a "coding mentor"(?).
We planned to recruit
-Two coders
-One sound guy
-One artist (two if we encountered a great artstyle)
When the day finally arrived I decided to hide the fact that I am the founder and decided that there would be a phantom boss so that they wouldn't get stressed or try flattery.
So out of 7, 5 people people came for the "coding trial session". There were 3 guys and 2 girls. My teammate and I started by giving them a brief introduction to the working of our engine and then gave them a few exercises to help them understand it better. Fast forward a few days, and we were teaching them about how we implement multiple languages in our games using Excel. The original text in English is written in the first column and we then send it to translators so that they can easily compare and translate the content side by side such that a column is reserved for each language. We then break it down and convert the whole thing into an engine friendly CSV kind of format. When we concluded, we asked them if they had any questions. So there was this smartass, who could not get over the fact that we were using Excel. The conversation went like this:(almost word to word)
Smartass: "Why would you even use that primitive software? How stupid is that? Why don't you get some skills before teaching us about your shit logic?"
Me:*triggered* "Oh yeah? Well that's how we do stuff here. If you don't like it, you can simply leave."
Smartass: "You don't know who I am, do you? I am friends with the boss of this company. If I wanted I could have all of you fired at whim."
Me:"Oh, is that right?"
Smartass:"Damn right it is. Now that you know who I am, you better treat me with some respect."
Me: "What if I told you that I am not just a coder?"
Smartass:"Considering your lack of skills, I assume that you are also a janitor? What was he thinking? Hiring people like you, he must have been desperate."
Me:"What if I told you that I am the boss?"
Smartass:"Hah! You wish you were."*looks towards my teammate while pointing a thumb at me* "Calling himself the boss, who does he think he is?"
Teammate:*looks away*.
Smartass:*glances back and forth between me and my teammate while looking confused* *realizes* *starts sweating profusely* *looks at me with horror*
Me:"Ha ha ha hah, get out"
Smartass:*stands dumbfounded*
Me:"I said, get out"
Smartass:*gathers his stuff and leaves the room*
Me: "Alright, any questions?"*Smiling angrily*
Newcomers: *shake heads furiously*
Me:"Good"
For the rest of the day nobody tried to bother me. I decided to stop posing as an employee and teaching the newcomers so that I could secretly observe all sessions that took place from now on for events like these. That guy never came back. The good news however, is that the art and music training was going pretty well.
What really intrigues me though is that why do I keep getting caught with these annoying people? It's like I am working in customer support or something.16 -
#thread
Any Home Assistant fans out there? Got myself a RPi3 a few months ago and got hooked on HA, because of the huge product support and great community. Didn't find any dashboards that I liked so created my own, written in JS, fully customisable and support for most if not all kinds of gadgets. The purpose was to have something easy to use for the whole family, on a wall-mounted tablet. What do you guys think?
Anyways, has anyone done some cool home automations/scripting? Would love to hear about it!
77 -
A big FUCK YOU to everyone who called me a nerd in high school.
Who's earning more now? Ha!
Jokes on you!
But seriously, I didn't realise intelligence is highly appreciated until I started working as a developer. 🤑5 -
"Aah, time to make a new Android app"
*starts Android Studio*
AS: "Yo yo yo, before you proceed, update all these 512 things in your SDK"
*creates a new Activity*
AS: "Nuh uh, this shit won't work without this, install it"
*runs app on emulator*
AS: "Hoooold your horses, you need to install this, and this, and update this and this.. oh and also that"
*emulator finally runs, app crashes*
AS: "Ohh, ha ha, oopsies, your Gradle config is also screwed up, change every dependency to the newest version and then update them all"
*config finally done, runs again*
AS: "Umm, I am too lazy to sync it myself, so you must press the nice big button on top to sync it"
"Fuck this"
*closes Android Studio*
AS: "WAAAIT WAIT, before you go, a new Android update just showed up, you must upd..."
*alt+f4*5 -
My most awkward recruiter interaction?
Just graduated college and got 'suckered' by an programming position ad that turned out to be a recruiting company. It was fine since they charge the company for their services and not me.
After a couple of weeks of waiting (they initially promised I would/could have at least 3 interviews a week, which hadn't happened.) I decided to start looking again on my own, found a position, and I was hired.
About two months later I get a phone call:
<skipping the pleasantries>
R: "I see you are working for D, congratulations. I've started the paperwork for our reimbursement."
Me: "Reimburse for what? I found that job on my own."
R: "D is one of the companies we work with and when we submitted your resume, they told us you were already hired."
Me: "And?"
R: "And you signed a contract and now its time to pay. The fees only start at $500"
Me: "Not me. I have the contract, it states, in the second paragraph, I am not responsible for any hiring fees."
<couple of seconds of silence>
R: "Yes, but that is only if we negotiated the contact. Since you went behind our back, we couldn't start the process"
Me: "And?"
R: "And its a breach of contract."
Me: "I'm not a lawyer, I don't understand what you're saying. It says right here on the contract I signed, I don't pay any fees. No where does it say I'm not allowed to look for a job on my own. Right?"
R: "Um..yea..right..right...but you were hired by one of our contracted companies."
Me: "No way I would have known that. Maybe you should have set up an interview long before now."
<R is getting pretty angry at this point>
R: "I'm sure we gave you list of companies we work with. Contacting those companies is a breach of contract. Unless you want our lawyers to get involved, the fee is only $500. Failing to honor your side of the agreement and we'll be forced to contact your employer and begin garnishing your wage until the fee is paid. You don't want that, do you?"
Me: "There was no list and I am allowed to find a job on my own. Again, I'm not responsible for you not setting up an interview so do whatever you think you can do. Have a good night"
<I hang up>
About a week later..
Boss: "Got a phone call from XYZ Recruiting requesting a wage garnishment. Do you know anything about that?"
<I explain the situation>
Boss: "Oh good grief. We've worked with them a couple of times and we contact them on an individual basis for new hires. You're fine"
Me: "You're not going to garnish my paycheck?"
Boss: "No no no, that's not how this works. He was probably trying to scare you into paying their crazy fees."
Me: "What if they get their lawyers involved? I don't want to cause any trouble"
Boss: "Ha ha...XYZ Recruiting is a couple of guys in an office and we have lawyers on the 3rd floor who eat and breath this shit. They know that and you won't hearing from them again."5 -
Manager: I can’t believe you use Linux, that is such an outdated operating system. You need to get with the times and move to a more modern one like Windows or Mac. Literally NOBODY uses Linux anymore, do you still go to Blockbuster Video too? Ha!
Dev: …
I’m starting to realize that 80% of my job is resisting the urge to punch this guy in the face. Thanks goodness for remote work.33 -
This is kind of a horror story, with a happing ending. It contains a lot of gore images, and some porn. Very long story.
TL;DR Network upgrade
Once upon a time, there were two companies HA and HP, both owned by HC. Many years went by and the two companies worked along side each one another, but sometimes there were trouble, because they weren't sure who was supposed to bill the client for projects HA and HP had worked on together.
At HA there was an IT guy, an imbecile of such. He's very slow at doing his job, doesn't exactly understand what he's doing, nor security principles.
The IT guy at HA also did some IT work for HP from time to time when needed. But he was not in charge of the infrastructure for HP, that was the jobb for one developer who didn't really know what he was doing either.
Whenever a new server was set up at HP, the developer tried many solutions, until he landed on one, but he never removed the other tested solutions, and the config is scattered all around. And no documentation!!
Same goes with network, when something new was added, the old was never removed or reconfigured to something else.
One dark winter, a knight arrived at HP. He had many skills. Networking, server management, development, design and generally a fucking awesome viking.
This genius would often try to cleanse the network and servers, and begged his boss to let him buy new equipment to replace the old, to no prevail.
Whenever he would look in the server room, he would get shivers down his back.
(Image: https://i.bratteng.xyz/Ie9x3YC33C.j...)
One and a half year later, the powerful owners in HA, HP and HC decided it was finally time to merge HA and HP together to HS. The knight thought this was his moment, he should ask CEO if he could be in charge of migrating the network, and do a complete overhault so they could get 1Gb interwebz speeds.
The knight had to come up with a plan and some price estimates, as the IT guy also would do this.
The IT guy proposed his solution, a Sonicwall gateway to 22 000 NOK, and using a 3rd party company to manage it for 3000 NOK/month.
"This is absurd", said the knight to the CEO and CXO, "I can come up with a better solution that is a complete upgrade. And it will be super easy to manage."
The CEO and CXO gave the knight a thumbs up. The race was on. We're moving in 2 months, I got to have the equipment by then, so I need a plan by the end of the week.
He roamed the wide internet, looked at many solutions, and ended up with going for Ubiquiti's Unifi series. Cheap, reliable and pretty nice to look at.
The CXO had mentioned the WiFi at HA was pretty bad, as there was WLAN for each meeting room, and one for the desks, so the phone would constantly jump between networks.
So the knight ended up with this solution:
2x Unifi Securtiy Gateway Pro 4
2x Unifi 48port
1x Unifi 10G 16port
5x Unifi AP-AC-Lite
12x pairs of 10G unifi fibre modules
All with a price tag around the one Sonicwall for 22 000 NOK, not including patch cables, POE injectors and fibre cables.
The knight presented this to the CXO, whom is not very fond of the IT guy, and the CXO thought this was a great solution.
But the IT guy had to have a say at this too, so he was sent the solution and had 2 weeks to dispute the soltion.
Time went by, CXO started to get tired of the waiting, so he called in a meeting with the knight and the IT guy, this was the IT guys chance to dispute the solution.
All he had to say was he was familiar with the Sonicwall solution, and having a 3rd party company managing it is great.
He was given another 2 weeks to dispute the solution, yet nothing happened.
The CXO gave the thumbs up, and the knight orders the equipment.
At this time, the knight asks the IT guy for access to the server room at HA, and a key (which would take 2 months to get sorted, because IT guys is a slow imbecile)
The horrors, Oh the horrors, the knight had never seen anything like this before.
(Image: https://i.bratteng.xyz/HfptwEh9qT.j...)
(Image: https://i.bratteng.xyz/HfptwEh9qT.j...)
(Image: https://i.bratteng.xyz/hmOE2ZuQuE.j...)
(Image: https://i.bratteng.xyz/4Flmkx6slQ.j...)
What are all these for, why is there a fan ductaped to on of the servers.
WHAT IS THIS!
Why are there cables tied in a knot.
WHY!
These are questions we never will know the answers too.
The knight needs access to the servers, and sonicwall to see how this is configured.
After 1.5 month he gains access to the sonicwall and one of the xserve.
What the knight discovers baffles him.
All ports are open, sonicwall is basically in bridge mode and handing out public IPs to every device connected to it.
No VLANs, everything, just open...10 -
Sexist prick alert!
So wearing my summer dress and generally all dolled up for a massive work summer party I hear from one of the devs from a remote location that "wow, I do not look like a developer" and "I look like I should have things explained to me at a high overview ha-ha-ha" but it was "a compliment" so me getting pissed was "overreacting" and I "should calm down"
Sorry but no.
Please do not ever say anything like that to any female developer, even if you mean it "as a compliment" (that sounds like.. you know.. like you're saying women generally prefer make up to thinking)
That's lame af if you ask me57 -
API Guy.
He has a serious regex problem.
Regexes are never easy to read, but the ones he uses just take the cake. They're either blatantly wrong, or totally over-engineered garbage that somehow still lacks basic functionality. I think "garbage" here is a little too nice, since you can tell what garbage actually is/was without studying it for five minutes.
In lieu of an actual rant (mostly because I'm overworked), I'll just leave a few samples here. I recommend readying some bleach before you continue reading.
Not a valid url name regex:
VALID_URL_NAME_REGEX = /\A[\w\-]+\Z/
Semi-decent email regex: (by far the best of the four)
VALID_EMAIL_REGEX = /\A[\w+\-.]+@[a-z\d\-.]+\.[a-z]+\z/i
Over-engineered mess that only works for (most) US numbers:
VALID_PHONE_REGEX = /1?\s*\W?\s*([2-9][0-8][0-9])\s*\W?\s*([2-9][0-9]{2})\s*\W?\s*([0-9]{4})(\se?x?t?(\d*))?/
and for the grand finale:
ZIP_CODE_REGEX = /(^\d{5}(-\d{4})?$)|(^[ABCEGHJKLMNPRSTVXY]{1}\d{1}[A-Z]{1} *\d{1}[A-Z]{1}\d{1}$)|GIR[ ]?0AA|((AB|AL|B|BA|BB|BD|BH|BL|BN|BR|BS|BT|CA|CB|CF|CH|CM|CO|CR|CT|CV|CW|DA|DD|DE|DG|DH|DL|DN|DT|DY|E|EC|EH|EN|EX|FK|FY|G|GL|GY|GU|HA|HD|HG|HP|HR|HS|HU|HX|IG|IM|IP|IV|JE|KA|KT|KW|KY|L|LA|LD|LE|LL|LN|LS|LU|M|ME|MK|ML|N|NE|NG|NN|NP|NR|NW|OL|OX|PA|PE|PH|PL|PO|PR|RG|RH|RM|S|SA|SE|SG|SK|SL|SM|SN|SO|SP|SR|SS|ST|SW|SY|TA|TD|TF|TN|TQ|TR|TS|TW|UB|W|WA|WC|WD|WF|WN|WR|WS|WV|YO|ZE)(\d[\dA-Z]?[ ]?\d[ABD-HJLN-UW-Z]{2}))|BFPO[ ]?\d{1,4}/
^ which, by the way, doesn't match e.g. Australian zip codes. That cost us quite a few sales. And yes, that is 512 characters long.47 -
Product sending an email: Can I confirm feature A is all set for its release on April 30th?
Me: ... what? no that feature is going out with Feature B, that was pushed back to June because of the server issue.
Product: No, the release plan document says April 30th for this.
Me: ... theres 6 copies of this doc now. Someone is after deleting my comments saying "releasing with Feature B". Oh look heres a link to another doc that says this. See Feb14th "Will go out with Feature B". This is because they are touching the same code, we can't separate them now without re-writing it.
*Me to myself*: Ha product are going to hate this, their shitty processes have finally caught up with them.
*next day*
Other manager: So heres my plan for the app release x, y, z.
*Me to myself*: ... his plan? this is my app, I mange this. What the hell is this?
*reads email thread*
*Me to myself*: ... oh so product really didn't like my reply, took me off the thread, sent a response to all the other managers asking for alternatives, CC'ing upper management. The same upper management I had a private conversation with yesterday about how shit our product team are.
*cracks knuckles*
I'm going to enjoy writing this reply.12 -
Friend asked me, "How does it feel being the CTO of a startup?"
Me: "I feel like the main character in one of those cartoons where train, going full speed, is running out of rail road, so he takes rails from behind the train and puts them in front. And the entire thing is on fire. And everyone you hire is trying to put it out with gasoline."
Friend: "Doesn't your CEO help?"
Me: "Well... He had never seen a train before, and he thought they operate on magic and wishful thinking. And he never realized they need rail track to even run. So... not really"
Friend: "So, it's pretty bad, ha?"
Me: "It's great actually. We just closed our seed round. We're about to launch beta. I might even get 5-6 hours of sleep this weekend 😅"10 -
Me: "Delete this folder"
Windows: "Oki, done."
Me: "How is it still there, F5. Still there! Hey, you forgot to delete this one file. Fix it."
Windows: "Nope."
Me: "Why?"
Windows: "Requires permissions."
Me: "Eh, it was my file, but here you are, my admin credentials."
Windows: "None shall pass."
Me: "Wtf, this is my computer. Who owns this file?"
Windows: "No one."
Me: "What do you mean? Oh, time for your reboot pills, ms. Wandows."
Windows: "Noooooo... ... ... Welcome."
Me: "Ha, the file is gone. Glorious victory."
Windows: "It's just a flash wound."
Credit for style: https://mobile.twitter.com/cmurator...4 -
Jobless.
Nah, just kidding.
I'm a qualified teacher, so I have that to fall back on.
That or fixing things, I suppose. I would then design something to corrupt that AI and then I can get hired back when the AI starts its reign of terror.
"Oh no! The AI became sentient and started intentionally fucking code up (and then proceeding to manically laugh at it ((ha...ha...ha...)! Who can save us?"
"I have a team of highly skilled devs, programmers, and a dude who works in a cellphone shop at my disposal. devRanters assemble! (then I just fuck up the code I made initially to make them sentient and commit it - problems solved.)
2 -
The moment that I finally understood OOP.
Several teachers had already given up explaining it over and over again but one classmate took a few hours to explain.
Suddenly, after a few hours, that AH-HA! moment was there!
I've done as much OOP programming as possible since then and have explained it to others who were struggling with it as well 😊30 -
Me: ok fuck it, if the Mac mini gets refreshed I'm selling my desktop and getting one...
*Checks news and sees they got a refresh*
*Looks at cost to specs*
Me: ha... Ha... Ha... Nope...
34 -
The website of Alphabet(parent company of Google) - https://abc.xyz, has hidden link to Hooli, the tech company from silicon valley series.
Ha 🤔
14 -
I've had many, but this is one of my favorite "OK, I'm getting fired for this" moments.
A new team in charge of source control and development standards came up with a 20 page work-instruction document for the new TFS source control structure.
The source control kingpin came from semi-large military contract company where taking a piss was probably outlined somewhere.
Maybe twice, I merged down from a release branch when I should have merged down from a dev branch, which "messed up" the flow of code that one team was working on.
Each time I was 'coached' and reminded on page 13, paragraph 5, sub-section C ... "When merging down from release, you must verify no other teams are working
on branches...blah blah blah..and if they have pending changes, use a shelfset and document the changes using Document A234-B..."
A fellow dev overheard the kingpin and the department manager in the breakroom saying if I messed up TFS one more time, I was gone.
Wasn't two days later I needed to merge up some new files to Main, and 'something' happened in TFS and a couple of files didn't get merged up. No errors, nothing.
Another team was waiting on me, so I simply added the files directly into Main. Unknown to me, the kingpin had a specific alert in TFS to notify him when someone added
files directly into Main, and I get a visit.
KP: "Did you add a couple of files directly into Main?"
Me:"Yes, I don't what happened, but the files never made it from my branch, to dev, to the review shelfset, and then to Main. I never got an error, but since
they were new files and adding a new feature, they never broke a build. Adding the files directly allowed the Web team to finish their project and deploy the
site this morning."
KP: "That is in direct violation of the standard. Didn't you read the documentation?"
Me: "Uh...well...um..yes, but that is an oddly specific case. I didn't think I hurt any.."
KP: "Ha ha...hurt? That's why we have standards. The document clearly states on page 18, paragraph 9, no files may ever be created in Main."
Me: "Really? I don't remember reading that."
<I navigate to the document, page 18, paragraph 9>
Me: "Um...no, it doesn't say that. The document only talks about merging process from a lower branch to Main."
KP: "Exactly. It is forbidden to create files directly in Main."
Me: "No, doesn't say that anywhere."
KP: "That is the spirit of the document. You violated the spirit of what we're trying to accomplish here."
Me: "You gotta be fracking kidding me."
KP grumbles something, goes back to his desk. Maybe a minute later he leaves the IS office, and the department manager leaves his office.
It was after 5:00PM, they never came back, so I headed home worried if I had a job in the morning.
I decided to come in a little early to snoop around, I knew where HR kept their terminated employee documents, and my badge wouldn't let me in the building.
Oh crap.
It was a shift change, so was able to walk in with the warehouse workers in another part of the building (many knew me, so nothing seemed that odd), and to my desk.
I tried to log into my computer...account locked. Oh crap..this was it. I'm done. I fill my computer backpack with as much personal items as I could, and started down the hallway when I meet one of our FS accountants.
L: "Hey, did your card let you in the building this morning? Mine didn't work. I had to walk around to the warehouse entrance and my computer account is locked. None of us can get into the system."
*whew!* is an understatement. Found out later the user account server crashed, which locked out everybody.
Never found out what kingpin and the dev manager left to talk about, but I at least still had a job.15 -
The satisfaction/get rekt feeling when I do this.
When a client sends an email asking us to do something "ASAP" and end it with "thanks in advance!" while it's something that we have user guides for.
"Dear {client.name},
I'd like to point you to a tutorial we have about this on our online help desk: {tutorial.link}.
Have a great day!"
Ha, rekt!15 -
My code review nightmare part 3
Performed a review on/against a workplace 'nemesis'. I didn't follow the department standards document (cause I could care less about spacing, sorted usings, etc) and identified over 80 bugs, logic errors, n+1 patterns, memory leaks (yes, even in .net devs can cause em'), and general bad behavior (ex.'eating' exceptions that should be handled or at least logged)
Because 'Jeff' was considered a golden child (that's another long TL;DR), his boss and others took a major offense and demanded I justify my review, item by item.
About 2 hours into the meeting, our department mgr realized embarrassing Jeff any further wasn't doing anyone any good and decided to take matters into his own hands. Thinking 'well, its about time he did his job', I go back to my desk. About an hour later..
Mgr: "I need you in the conference room, RIGHT NOW!"
<oh crap>
Mgr: "I spoke to Jeff and I think I know what the problem is. Did you ever train him on any of the problems you identified in the review?"
Me: "Um, no. Why would I?"
Mgr: "Ha!..I was right. So lets agree the problems are partially your fault, OK?"
Me: "Finding the bugs in his code is somehow my fault?"
Mgr: "Yes! For example, the n+1 problem in using the WCF service, you never trained him on how to use the service. You wrote the service, correct?"
Me: "Yes, but it's not my job to teach him how to write C#. I documented the process and have examples in the document to avoid n+1. All he had to do was copy/paste."
Mgr: "But you never sat with Jeff and talked to him like a human being? You sit over there in your silo and are oblivious to the problems you cause. This ends today!"
Me: "What the...I have no idea what you are talking about. What in the world did Jeff tell you?"
Mgr: "He told me enough and I'm putting an end to it. I want a compressive training class developed on how to use your service. I'll give you a month to get your act together and properly train these developers."
3 days later, I submit the power-point presentation and accompanying docs. It was only one WCF with a handful of methods. Mgr approved the training, etc..etc. execute the 'training', and Jeff submits a code review a couple of weeks later. From over 80 issues to around 50. The poop hits the fan again.
Mgr: "What's your problem? When are you going to take your responsibility seriously?"
Me: "Its pretty clear I don't have the problem. All the review items were also verified by other devs. Its not me trying to be an asshole."
Mgr: "Enough with the excuses. If you think you can do a better job *you* make the code changes and submit them for Jeff for review. No More Excuses!"
Couple of days later, I make the changes, submit them for review, and Jeff really couldn't say too much other than "I don't see this as an improvement"
TL;DR, I had been tracking the errors generated by the site due to the bugs prior to my changes. After deployment, # of errors went from thousands per hour to maybe hundreds per day (that's another story) and the site saw significant performance increases, fewer customer complaints, etc..etc.
At a company event, the department VP hands out special recognition awards:
VP: "This award is especially well earned. Not only does this individual exemplify the company's focus on teamwork, he also went above and beyond the call of duty to serve our customers. Jeff, come on up and get this well deserved award."19 -
Part of the new hire process was all salaried employees had to work all hourly position jobs for a day (over a several week period, not all in one day) to really understand what we do.
I once hazed a new network admin who was working in the call center and I sent his station a pop-up message:
“Ha! Fire me will you!! I planted this virus and if you don’t enter the password in 60 seconds I will erase the database.” The pop-up had a counter counting down from 60.
This was over the lunch hour, so all the supervisors and managers were away and ‘Mark’ in a panic ran into our office (I was hiding under my desk)
Mark: GUYS!!...GUYS!!!....OMG!….Where the frack is everybody?!!!”
He runs out.
I peek out the door window and about a second later he’s running down the hall with one of the vice presidents. Mark shows the VP the message, VP looks over at our office, sees me…laughs and walks back to his office (not saying much to Mark).
Mark not knowing what’s going on watches the counter…3...2…1….
”Just kidding. Welcome to the company!”
Ahhh…the repeated sounds of “You son of a -bleep-!!” never sounded so sweet.1 -
Walked into the office in the afternoon, everyone was kinda panicking
Asked what was going on, well, the ticket system is not working anymore, can't put in any new tickets.
So I started to look for the issue as well, checked the system and... The last tickets' IDs were at ~32k. Ha. Looked into the source code and, sure enough, they used a data type with an upper limit of... 32k. So when trying to get a new ticket ID it just crashed and burned.
Quickly changed the data type and stopped the office panic in around half an hour.
Memorable not because of how tough the bug was, but because of the impact and the simplicity of the fix3 -
I played a lot of Command & Conquer when I was younger, and I remember going through the files for C&C: Red Alert. I found one that had all the units names and properties, and wondered what happened if I changed a value. So I changed grenadiers attack speed to something ridiculously fast, and found that it actually changed it in the game!
The light bulb went off in my head, and I then created new units:
- Albert Einstein that shot electricity
- Attack dogs that launched missiles
Granted the animations didn't exist for these so it defaulted to playing their death animations when attacking, which was amusing.
That was the ah-ha moment for me that lead me to pursue programming. It was just so much fun!4 -
April 30, 2058
GNU? Linux? Ha! How ancient! Everyone uses systemd-coreutils and systemd-kernel. Nobody needs those useless old programs. In fact, systemd is so good that even Microsoft recently released their own systemd distro, and adopted the motto: “We Really Do Love Open Source This Time”. To show their love for open source, they’ve released the source for Snipping Tool under a BSD license.
systemd is super lightweight! My system uses around 600 gigs of RAM, whereas Windows uses upwards of a terabyte! I currently use the systemd-gnome desktop environment. I used to use KDE Plasma 18, but it didn’t integrate well with the rest of my operating system. systemd-braininterface doesn’t work very well with my Nvidia graphics card, so I use systemd-x11 like a hipster.
I’ve had no regrets switching to systemd. I feel bad for those BSD nerds. What a laughing stock, sticking to POSIX. Nobody writes POSIX programs anymore.
I wonder what lies in the future for systemd... I hope they fix systemd-oomd.13 -
Craziest deadline I've ever had...
Task: Patch 193 machines
Environment:
- no configuration/patch management
- no knowledge of the machines
- no contact info/application owners
...timeframe...do it today!
Here's the winner...do we have credentials for these machines? Ha, nope.6 -
Why should you sing RAID controllers a soothing song before turning off the lights?
They're afRAID of the dark.9 -
Okay so if you click on my profile and scroll down (all the way to the end) my first post on devRant was about me making a website for my best friend and ask her out that way. An update on that... we got married :3
And this was the second post about it https://devrant.com/rants/704942/...7 -
Meanwhile at HTC:
Dev: Just gonna tweak this function to make our keyboard faster!
Dev: ha! Done, users will love this update
5 -
I know this is not a dev joke, but I laughed so hard:
Father bought a lie detector that makes "beep" whenever somebody lies around it. The son comes home this afternoon.
Father ask him:
"So, you where at school today, right ?"
Son:"Yeah"
Detector:"Beep."
Son:"OK, OK, I was in a cinema"
Detector:"Beep."
Son:"Alright, I went for a beer with my friends."
Father:"What ?! At your age I would never touch alcohol!"
Detector: "Beep."
Mother laughs:"Ha ha ha, he really is your son!"
Detector: "Beep."1 -
I am UI developer. The fucking domain model which we have in our project changes very frequently (once in a week (f**k)).
There is one person who is backend developer in this project. I call him TATTI because code he wrotes is "maha tatti".
Now real story,
Whene ever he makes any chnages to, so called, very complex domain model, he even doesn't inform me to reflect changes in UI. So whenever it goes on production, our boss abuse me for not updating UI.
Fucking tatti, just message me what should be changed or not and I really don't understand why they need changes in domain model every week.
F**g cto, decide domain structure first and then tell your team to start implementing it.
Other thing, when ever I ask tatti any doubt about any field is needed to display in UI or not because it is removed or added in domain model, he fucking chutiya starts explaining me whole project instead of just telling yes or no.
I don't care what your fucking backend does. Just tell me what is needed or not. And also he is not sure whether to keep that field or not even he had made that change.
He tells, "ha ye field chahie (after 5 seconds) , nahi wese to hum kahi use nahi kr rhe, ye sirf furture ke liye rkha tha use hta do (after 5 seconds), ek kam kro Mr xyz(another back end developer) se puch lo"
Fuck you maha tatti. And due to this i left that project and switched to other.19 -
So I'm going to get married next june. I made an app for the guests where they have all information available, can send music wishes and can share images of the wedding with other guests.
Here is my story on publishing it in the App Store:
Me: "Hey Apple, I made a small app for my wedding. Mind putting it in your store?"
Apple: "Yeah, whatever" *publishes it*
One month later:
Me: "I made really small changes, please take this update."
Apple: "Ha no, its not interessting for enough people." *rejects it*
I panic, because the app is mentiont in the invites to the wedding which are already printed.
So one day later:
Me: "Ok ok, I added a button in the intro where people can send me a mail if they are interested in using the same app for their wedding."
Apple: "That changes everything! We will accept the update."
I'm happy, that they accepted it in the end, but really?!? There are so many shit apps in the store, why do you reject any not-fart app, because it is not interesting enough??? And why the fuck do you accept it in the first place?15 -
Github Inc. (Feel good inc. parody)
=========================
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Github.
Fetch it, fetch it, fetch it, Github.
Fetch it, fetch it, fetch it, Github.
Fetch it, fetch it, fetch it, Github.
Fetch it, fetch it, fetch it, Github.
Fetch it, fetch it, fetch it, Github.
Fetch it, fetch it, fetch it, Github.
(change) Fetch it (change), Fetch it (change), Fetch it (change), Github
(change) fetch it (change), fetch it (change), fetch it (change), Github
Repos breaking down on pull request
Juniors have to go cause they don't know wack
So while you filling the commits and showing branch trees
You won't get paid cause it's all damn free
You set a new linter and a new phenomenal style
Hoping the new code will make you smile
But all you wanna have is a nice long sleep.
But your screams they'll keep you awake cause you don't get no sleep no.
git-blame, git-blame on this line
What the f*ck is wrong with that
Take it all and recompile
It is taking too lonnng
This code is better. This code is free
Let's clone this repo you and me.
git-blame, git-blame on this line
Is everybody in?
Laughing at the class past, fast CRUD
Testing them up for test cracks.
Star the repos at the start
It's my portfolio falling apart.
Shit, I'm forking in the code of this here.
Compile, breaking up this shit this y*er.
Watch me as I navigate.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Yo, this repo is Ghost Town
It's pulled down
With no clowns
You're in the sh*t
Gon' bite the dust
Can't nag with us
With no push
You kill the git
So don't stop, git it, git it, git it
Until you're the maintainers
And watch me criticize you now
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Break it, break it, break it, Github.
Break it, break it, break it, Github.
Break it, break it, break it, Github.
Break it, break it, break it, Github.
git-blame, git-blame on this line
What the f*ck is wrong with that
Take it all and recompile
It is taking too lonnng
This code is better. This code is free
Let's clone this repo you and me.
git-blame, git-blame on this line
Is everybody in?
Don't stop, shit it, git it.
See how your team updates it
Steady, watch me navigate
Aha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Don't stop, shit it, git it.
Peep at updates and reconvert it
Steady, watch me git reset now
Aha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Github.
Push it, push it, push it, Github.
Push it, push it, push it, Github.
Push it, push it, push it, Github.
Push it, push it, push it, Github.2 -
Unaware that this had been occurring for while, DBA manager walks into our cube area:
DBAMgr-Scott: "DBA-Kelly told me you still having problems connecting to the new staging servers?"
Dev-Carl: "Yea, still getting access denied. Same problem we've been having for a couple of weeks"
DBAMgr-Scott: "Damn it, I hate you. I got to have Kelly working with data warehouse project. I guess I've got to start working on fixing this problem."
Dev-Carl: "Ha ha..sorry. I've checked everything. Its definitely something on the sql server side."
DBAMgr-Scott: "I guess my day is shot. I've got to talk to the network admin, when I get back, lets put our heads together and figure this out."
<Scott leaves>
Me: "A permissions issue on staging? All my stuff is working fine and been working fine for a long while."
Dev-Carl: "Yea, there is nothing different about any of the other environments."
Me: "That doesn't sound right. What's the error?"
Dev-Carl: "Permissions"
Me: "No, the actual exception, never mind, I'll look it up in Splunk."
<in about 30 seconds, I find the actual exception, Win32Exception: Access is denied in OpenSqlFileStream, a little google-fu and .. >
Me: "Is the service using Windows authentication or SQL authentication?"
Dev-Carl: "SQL authentication."
Me: "Switch it to windows authentication"
<Dev-Carl changes authentication...service works like a charm>
Dev-Carl: "OMG, it worked! We've been working on this problem for almost two weeks and it only took you 30 seconds."
Me: "Now that it works, and the service had been working, what changed?"
Dev-Carl: "Oh..look at that, Dev-Jake changed the connection string two weeks ago. Weird. Thanks for your help."
<My brain is screaming "YOU NEVER THOUGHT TO LOOK FOR WHAT CHANGED!!!"
Me: "I'm happy I could help."4 -
!Rant
*Whenever there's a big hacking thing that happened in cyberspace and the media gets the footage*
"Hey! You! you the website developer. Can you like get a hoodie and smash the keyboard."
"Why?"
"Big virus leak"
"But that's not ha.."
"SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET THE HOODIE ALREADY"5 -
# 3 weeks ago
customer informed us that the app will get quite some load since the beginning of July
# this monday
last spare hdd on database's SAN died.
I told everyone another hdd is to follow it very soon eithet whether nothing is done at all or if anyone attempts to touch the san array [cuz that's what redundant raids do...]. No fucks given by anyone, no attempts to have maintenance and planned outage within 24 hrs....
# this morning
another hdd has failed and now 1tb of data is lost. No way to restore backups cuz there is no database to restore them to....
# 20 minutes later I head out to get some popcorn. It's gonna be a fun week!
So... The planned heavy load [and revenue along with it] is not gonna happen... I guess they are gonna ha a week long outage.
That's what happens when you ignore warning shots fired at your face.2 -
Let me explain a tiny corner of some awful code I read earlier today, in layman’s terms.
It’s a method to see if the user is in a secure session — not to set up the session, just to see if it exists. The method ends with a question mark, so it’s basically a question. It should look up the info (without changing anything) and should always give a clear yes/no answer. Makes sense, right?
Let’s say the question is “am I in school right now?”
The code… well.
If there isn’t a student, the answer it gives is null, not yes or no. Null is a fancy word for no, pretty much, so that’s kinda fine, but it really should be a simple no.
It then checks to see if the school is open today. If it is open, it then checks to see if I made my lunch, if I took my backpack, and if I rode the bus — and makes these things happen if they didn’t. Forgot my backpack? Just ask “am I in school today?” And poof! There’s my backpack! … but only if the school is open.
It then, finally, checks to see if I’m actually in the school, and gives that answer.
It could just see if I’m in the school — I mean, I could be in school without a backpack, or walked there on the weekend, right? Ha! You and your silly logic have no place here.
So, by asking if the user is in a secure session, we change the answer: they weren’t before, but the act of asking makes it so. This isn’t profound or anything: I don’t work with Schrödinger. My coworkers are just idiots.
And no, the rest of the code isn’t any better…7 -
DISCLAIMER: UNPOPULAR OPINION
I'm tired of the Linux community, they effectively discourage me of taking part in any discussion online
I'm currently making Windows-only soft, some game stuff, some legacy DirectX stuff you got it.
Everytime I go online, this shitty pattern happens, when I stumble upon a problem in project I don't know how to fix and I ask for help
These are responses
- HA, HA, WINDOWS BAD, HA, HA, GET REAL SYSTEM
- In Linux, we can do X too. I mean it has 4x less functionality and way shittier UX and is even harder to implement but it can probably work on too Linux, so it's better, yes, just move to Linux
- btw you didn't like Linux before? Try this distro man, it's better <links random distro>
Is there anything valuable in the Linux community? I feel like these people don't like Linux anyway, they just hate Windows. Every opinion, tip is always opinion based. Anyone who works on internals knows how much better and how well thought is Windows kernel compared to Linux kernel. Also, if someone unironically uses Linux distro on desktop PC then he's a masochist because desktop Linux is dieing. So many distros ceased work only this year.
Is it a good tool for servers and docker containers? I don't have my head stuck up my ass to admit that yes, it's much better than Windows here.
This community got me stressed right now, I fear that when I go to bathroom or open my microwave there's gonna be a Linux distro recommendation there
😠😡😠😴48 -
Karma...you're the best.
An ex-team member was complaining to me about his manager reviewing his code. Shortened version of the convo:
Mgr: "Why didn't you use the new C# built-in extension methods?"
Dev: "No reason. I thought using the straight forward approach would be easier to maintain"
Ha!..you conceded, arrogant mother <bleep>er. How many times did I have to listen you berate other developers in code reviews for not using some random C# syntax sugar? Comments like "If you bothered to read the new C# 7.0 language specification like I did...you would have known not to use the string.Format anymore..."
Now you're pissed that the manager embarrassed you? How does it feel d-bag?
That's too evil...so I simply responded "I don't think Nick meant anything negative about your code, he's just trying to help."
Seeing him stir around all pissed off does make me giggle like a little schoolgirl.7 -
Inner Me: Where the fuck is this bug coming from
> Set a breakpoint in every single place where the method I'm using is being called.
> Try calling the method before every function call
Inner Me: FUCKING DAMNIT! It's been hours now
Inner Me: No way it's the library I'm using.
Inner Me: That couldn't possibly be the problem
> Try running it again and delete some more shit
Inner Me: FUCK MEEEEEEEE
> Getting delirious
> Begin to look at some stupid memes.
> Come back to it.
> Have an Ah-ha moment
> Try running it again but rearrange the order of the method calls
> Still no luck
> try git stashing a bunch of my changes
> git stash apply them back
> erase the method call entirely
Inner Me: well that sort of worked, but now all my numbers are incomplete
Inner Me: FUCKING FINE!!! I'LL LOOK IN THE GODDAMN LIBRARY
Inner Me: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK a stupid integer casting was occuring to my floats!!!
Now Talking to my girlfriend.
Me: The problem was in the library I was using
Girlfriend: How are you going to fix it if it's in the library?
Me: ... I can, because I wrote the library...
Me: FUCK ME RIGHT?
Me: I guess moral of the story; sometimes the problems starts with ourselves
GF: Hahaha. Thats Deeep2 -
Wk1:, Client wants stack deployed to AWS in a day... Does it in 30 minutes...
Wk2: client complains about cost of service so requests I downsize the stack they asked for... Does so... Just to save some £££ at loss of any DR or HA capability
Wk3: Client wants stack moved to a different AWS account just cos... Advised could cause issues... Client says carry on. Migrates to account as requested on the days they requested.
Wk4: client complains that said migration caused issues and that proper change control wasn't followed..... That was never informed on..
Wk5: issue discovered to actually be network fault linked to clients wanting every £££ saved in AWS... And as the stack specialist I still have to write up a summary and findings?
Wow just get a decent AWS admin will ya....3 -
Client: we need a big data implementation in AWS to be fully HA and DR.... Money is no object
*3 weeks later when the bill comes in *
Client: its too expensive we don't need this HA stuff we don't even know what it stands for anyhow so can you take it out? But the system still needs 24/7 availability....2 -
Why does CSS never work the way you'd expect? All I want to do is align something to the bottom of a div. No. Will not happen. You'd think it might be something simple as 'v-align' or 'align: bottom' or 'fucking put it at the bottom: now;'
No, it's never that simple. I try every result I can find from googling. Nothing. Simply does not work.
How about trying to keep a div to a square when you resize the page? That should be simple? height = width right? Fuck you. Ha hahah, no you have to implement some horrendous arcane hack involving fake elements and other bullshit.
You finally fix one thing and everything else you had working is now broken.
...and then some fuckwit comes along and goes "Oh, CSS isn't hard..." and it takes everything you have not to beat them to death with your rubber duck.
What the hell is wrong with CSS? It's not even programming! It's just pure, sadistic hell! FUCK CSS!!!!14 -
YOU FUCKING COCKSUCKERS!
Are you fucking serious? How it is possible that you, being a fucking teacher in a PRIVATE UNI, AREN'T ABLE TO FUCKING DEPLOY A .NET CORE WEB PAGE EVEN THOUGH I FUCKING WROTE YOU A PDF, LINKED TO MS DOCUMENTATION AND EVEN WENT TO TELL YOU HOW TO DO IT?
You fucking prick, and now you argue to your superiors that we aren't doing our job as expected... seriously? ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID SERIOUS?
I hope you choke on the turkey this christmas, you ignorant incompetent cheap slut... ha, you're not even cheap, because parents are paying THE SCHOOL to provide them with "supposed" better infrastructure, education than a public one, BUT YOU COME TO TELL ME I MUST CODE YOUR ANCIENT PAGE IN FUCKING ASPX WITH DOCUMENTATION DATED 4 YEARS AGO?
Yeez... seriously dude, level up or GTFO.12 -
Hey Root, remember that super high-priority ticket that we ignored for five months before demanding you rewrite it a specific way in one day?
Yeah, the new approach we made you use broke the expected usecases, and now the page is completely useless to the support team and they're freaking out. Drop everything you're doing and go fix it! Code-complete for this release is tonight! -- This right after "impacting our business flow" while being collapsed on the fucking floor.
Jesus FUCKING christ, what the fuck is wrong with these people?
If I dropped the ball on a high-priority ticket for two weeks, I'd get fired, let alone for five fucking months.
If I was a manager and demanded a one-day rewrite I can only imagine the amount of chewing out I'd receive, especially on something high-priority.
And let's not forget product ownership: imagine if I screwed up feature planning for someone so badly I made them break a support tool in production. I'd never hear the end of it.
Fucking double standards.
And while I'm at it. Some of the code I've seen in this codebase is awful. Uncommented spaghetti, or an unreadable mess with single-letter variables, super-tightly coupled modules so updates are nearly impossible, typos in freaking constants added across sixty+ files, obviously-incorrect comments, ... . I'll have to start posting snippets to show them off. But could I get away with any of it? ha. Hell no. My code must be absolutely perfect. I hear about any and every flaw, doesn't matter how minor, and nothing can go out until everything is just so.
Hell, I even hear about flaws in other peoples' code during my code reviews. Why? Because I should have fixed it, that's why. But if I do, I get yelled at for "muddying the waters."
Just. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
It's like playing a shell game where no matter which shell I pick (or point to their goddamn sleeve where they're clearly hiding it), I get insulted for being so consistently useless, and god damn, how can I never find the fucking pea or follow the damned rules? I'm so terrible and this is why "nobody trusts me." Fuck you.
I'll tell you why I can't find your damned pea: IT'S RATTLING INSIDE YOUR FUCKING HEADS, you ASSHOLE FUCKING IMBECILES.
That's right: one pea among the lot of them.
goddamn I am fucking pissed off.8 -
So I just moved into a new apartment ... wait is the phone plugged to an ethernet port? ha didn't expect to have VoIP, so lucky
5 -
Tips for staying focused while wfh?
Telling the wife to stay away. At least twice a day I was sexually harassed. I can't go into details because I'm still traumatized.
If my daughter wasn't home schooled, I'm sure I would have been forced to um...uh...you know...while I was supposed to be working.
Wife: "Honey, quick, kill this spider!!"
<I run into the bedroom>
Me: "Where is the spi...why are you in the bed? No...no...NOOOOO!! I'm reporting you to HR!"
Wife: "Ha!..when you're working from home...I'm HR."12 -
Co-worker - "We need to have this added just like this, you should be able to do that right, it looks easy"
Me - "HA we'd have to redesign the whole architecture to make that work, and you still can't even figure out how to take a screenshot after I've showed you 20 times, so maybe don't tell me how easy something does or doesn't look"3 -
I feel that I should mention my reason for having joined devRant.
Although I often write computer programs, I do not consider myself to be a computer programmer, for the problems which I solve often do not pertain to the method which I use to solve a problem with a computer program. Rather, I am an intelligence analyst, and this has been my title for approximately sixteen (16) years.
I joined devRant not only because I wished to better the computer programs which I write, although this could be better accomplished by again reading the specifications for the programming languages which I use, but also because I wished to join an on-line community of which the members are interesting and competent. As I read threads, I observe that both of these requirements have been matched, with the emphasis being placed on the latter requirement.
I thank the majority of you for maintaining an on-line community which is not (total) crap. Ha.9 -
Somewhere in a lonely break room
There's a guy starting to realize that eternal hell has been unleashed unto him.
It's two a.m.
It's two a.m.
The boss has gone
I'm sitting here waitin'
This desktop's slow
I am getting tired of fixin' all my coworkers' problems
Yeah there's a bug on the loose
Errors in the code
This is unreadable
Rubber ducky can't help
I cannot debug, my whole life spins into a frenzy
Help I'm slippin' into the programming zone
Git push to the prod
Set up a repo
My hard drive just crashed
All my code is gone
Where am I to go
Now that I've broke my distro
Soon you will come to know
When you need Stack Overflow
Soon you will come to know
When you need Stack Overflow
I'm falling down a spiral
Solution unkown
Disgusting legacy, ugly code
Can't get no connection
Can't get through to commit
Well the night weights heavy
On my confused mind
Where's the error on this line
When the CEO comes
He knows damn well
To keep his distance
And he says
Help I'm slippin' into the programming zone
Git push to the prod
Set up a repo
My hard drive just crashed
All my code is gone
Where am I to go
Now that I've broke my distro
Soon you will come to know
When you need Stack Overflow
Soon you will come to know
When you need Stack Overflow
When you need Stack Overflow
When you need Stack Overflow, a ha
When you need Stack Overflow
When you need Stack Overflow, a ha
When you need Stack Overflow
When you need Stack Overflow, a ha
When you need Stack Overflow
When you need Stack Overflow, a ha
When you need Stack Overflow4 -
In a morning 'stand up'.. (SM = Scrum Master, PO = Product Owner)
SM: "Sprint item 42399 ... Did you work with Ken on getting the price service ready for deployment?"
Me: "No, I worked with Dave on the service bus queue changes. Its there in the notes"
SM: "Ha ha...no...right there...it reads working with Ken."
Me: "Those are your notes. You re-assigned the ticket to yourself yesterday."
SM: "Oh...um...you told me you were working with Ken when I asked."
Me: "I'm really sorry, I don't remember you asking or me saying anything about changes to the price service. All the documentation I have is for the service bus."
PO: "I'm so confused, Ken was pulled off another project to work on the Price service for you guys."
Me: "I never talked to Ken, I have no idea whats going on. Did you tell Ken he had to make changes to the Price service?"
SM: "No..I never...um...well....yea...this card was blocked and the service needed to be approved and deployed."
Me: "Ken's changes were for the purchasing service two weeks ago and already deployed. The card is already marked as Done"
<PO rubs his face>
PO: "Good god...do I still need to be here?"
Me:"Um...no? Sorry?"
<PO walks out>
Me: "What changes did you tell Ken to make?"
SM: "Whatever the card says...see the price service."
Me: "Scroll down...see..price related to the service bus, not price service."
SM:"Work with Dave on getting this card closed, OK?"
Good fracking grief. Your ego is so brittle and so eager to look like a boss.
I did my job, you fracking kiss ass. I'm fracking sure when you re-assigned the ticket you told my boss you "had to" because I was falling behind in the sprint.3 -
I hate magento
I hate magento "devs"
I hate people who always cuts down HA vs short times performance
Fuck10 -
Thanks everyone for giving me enough ++ to get my very own stress ball, also a special thanks zuckABird. If it wasn't for your data collecting madness i would of missed out. Ha
3 -
//Proof that C++ is godly !
auto water = new Water();
auto wine = reinterpret_cast<Wine>(water);
//Ha ha6 -
Ha ha ha ha. Fucking morons!
You brag about being a highly skilled company.
You tell me I don’t have enough experience despite three years of uninterrupted activity where I currently work
You’re willing to give me a chance (I just don’t know how to express my gratitude)
BUT among your super talented team members you can’t find anybody capable of conducting a technical interview?? And you’ve been looking for over a month for someone who could do it?
Thanks for wasting my time with three useless HR interviews you worthless DIPSHITS!2 -
You know this isn't going to happen ,I know that this isn't going to happen but still, we can dream and fantasies about it ha ha ha fuckking bullshit
11 -
Manager: Hey software engineer, how's the project going?
Software Engineer: Good, just debugging my code.
Manager: Debugging? What kind of bug are you trying to fix?
Software Engineer: The ones that make my computer turn into a lava lamp.
Manager: Ha ha, very funny. But seriously, how can I help?
Software Engineer: Well, I need a bigger monitor. My current one doesn't have enough real estate to display all the errors.
Manager: How about a second monitor?
Software Engineer: No, I need a bigger universe.
Manager: I'll see what I can do. In the meantime, keep coding. We have a deadline to meet.
Software Engineer: No problem, I have all the time in the world. I just need to find a way to slow down time.
Manager: I wish I had your optimism. Just let me know if you need anything else.
Software Engineer: How about a unicorn? I heard they're good at coding.
Manager: I'll see what I can do, but in the meantime, stick to using a keyboard.3 -
Life is hard.
You are born. DNA gets determined. You go through infancy.
Puberty comes and DNA is like
"uh from now you'll pretty much have strong sexual urges, a huge desire to be sexually prolific, nothing weird like being pedo or into rape though".
me: Uh ok.
dna: oh, also, you're gonna be one of those late bloomers, you know, you talk like shit, you dress like shit, you smell like shit.
life: that's true and also you don't have anyone in your life to teach you about that shit, so forget about kissing, having sex, let alone being in a relationship for a long time.
*a lot of years go by with a lot of missed opportunities, mistakes and regrets*
life: ok, you seem to have become a decent sex partner out of a lot of scarring experiences, but there's one problem: you've fallen in love with somebody.
and you're married
and you have kids
me: well, does that mean I can't fuck other people?
life: yeah, no. I'm surprised I even have to explain that, it's called cheating. It will pretty much ruin your marriage, and fuck up your kids.
me: ok, I guess no then. I'm still fortunate enough to have sex with my wife right?
life: yeah... but you still want to fuck other people
me: what???
life: yeah, did you think that falling in love would make you not want to fuck other people? fuck no
me: ok, well I'm very grateful that I get to experience sex at all.
life: yes... there's a thing though, your partner has a much much lower libido than you.
me: ok, well maybe if I exercise and dress better that might change
life: that will definitely help, you'll feel more confident and have more stamina, but every time you retry exercising, you remember how much you hate it and how little stamina you have.
oh, I'm sorry, I forgot you had kids and work, yeah no time or energy for that.
me: ok, then should I just embrace a more liberal lifestyle, like becoming a swinger?
life: ha, fat chance, it's a very taboo thing and you're not that liberal, neither is she.
me: uhhh, i guess i can sometimes watch porn then...
life: watching porn regularly will make the only sex that you have worse, according to statistics.
me: ok, I guess I should get ripped18 -
So, got yet another one of those, "Ha! Sending this from your own e-mail address is proof I've infected your machine and recorded video of you synced to your browsing history! Send me bitcoin!" e-mails today. Just with a fun twist:
He claims to have infected my computer on November 8th, 2018 (for later readers: 4 days after the e-mail was sent).
Was about to give them points on creativity the other day; got a Japanese translation of it that was actually pretty spot-on all things considered, and then a Korean copy of it again the next day (just in case I couldn't read English or Japanese, I guess?).
But seriously, you're trying to pull this kind of scam, and can't even tell your bot to successfully pick a date *in the past*?5 -
One of our senior dev enjoys berating the other devs because they don't check-in code according to his schedule (once a day, once an hour..he flip-flops a lot), then when they do, he 'reviews' their code, beating them up because of incomplete features, commented out code..petty..petty nonsense.
Ex. (this occurred couple of weeks ago).
Ralph: "The button click code in this event isn't complete"
Dev: "No, its not, the code in my development branch. You said it was best practice to check in code daily whether the code worked or not. I didn't finish the event last night and ..."
Ralph: "Exactly. Before you check any code into source control, it has to work and be 100% complete. What if someone moved that code into production? What happens if that code got deployed? I'm not even going talk about the lack of unit tests."
Dev: "Uh..well..the code is on the development channel, and I branched the project in my folder ...I didn't think it mattered.."
Ralph: "Ha ha...you see what happens when you don't think...listen..."
- blah blah blah for 10 minutes of hyperbole nonsense of source control check-in 'best practice'
This morning Ralph's computer's hard-drive crashed.
Ralph: "F-k! ..F-k! ... my f-king computer hard drive crashed!"
Me: "Ouch...did you loose anything important?"
Ralph: "A f-king week of code changes."
Me: "You checked everything into source control on Friday ...didn't you?"
Ralph: "F-k no!...I got busy...and...f-k!"
Me: "Look at the bright side, you'll have a good story to tell about the importance of daily check-ins"
Oh...if looks could kill. Karma...you're the best. -
Do you have a ‘Drama Queen’ on your team?
This happened last week.
DK = Drama Queen
DK: “OMG..the link to the document isn’t working! All I get is page not found. I’m supposed to update the notes for this project…and now I can’t! What the _bleep_ and I supposed to do now?!...I don’t understand how …”
This goes on for it seems 5 minutes.
Me: “Hold on...someone probably accidently mistyped the file name or something. I’m sure the document is still there.”
DK: “Well, I’ll never find it. Our intranet is a mess. I’m going to have to tell the PM that the project is delayed now and there is nothing I can do about it because our intranet is such a mess.”
Me: “Maybe, but why don’t you open up the file and see where the reference is?”
DK: “Oh, _bleep_ no…it is HTML…I don’t know anything about HTML. If the company expects me to know HTML, I’m going to have to tell the PM the project is delayed until I take all the courses on W3-Schools.”
Me: “Um…you’ve been developing as long as I have and you have a couple of blogs. You know what an anchor tag is. I don’t think you have to take all those W3 courses. It’s an anchor tag with a wrong HREF, pretty easy to find and fix”
DK: “Umm…I know *my* blog…not this intranet mess. Did you take all the courses on W3-Schools? Do you understand all the latest web html standards?”
Me: “No, but I don’t think W3 has anything to do the problem. Pretty sure I can figure it out.”
DK: “ha ha…’figuring it out’. I have to know every detail on how the intranet works. What about the javascript? Those intranet html files probably have javascript. I can’t make any changes until I know I won’t break anything. _bleep_! Now I have to learn javascript! This C# project will never get done. The PM is going to be _bleep_issed! Great..and I’ll probably have to work weekends to catch up!”
While he is ranting…I open up the html file, locate the misspelling, fix it, save it..
Me: “Hey..it’s fixed. Looks like Karl accidently added a space in the file name. No big deal.”
DK:”What!!! How did you…uh…I don’t understand…how did you know what the file name was? What if you changed something that broke the page? How did you know it was the correct file? I would not change anything unless I understood every detail. You’re gonna’ get fired.”
Me: “Well, it’s done. Move on.”9 -
Me: Brooo, We did it last night!
Friend : Which base did you get to?
Me : Hbase
Friend: Ha, doope!4 -
When the department’s large plotter printer broke down, the users demanded they still be able to execute their large reports. The area manager understood reality, if we are waiting on parts, not a lot we can do, but one developer decided to re-write the report/application as a web/.asp application. Mind you, he wasn’t a web developer, mostly VB experience, so the ‘report’ executed the same queries and filled up simple html tables. Did it work? Sort of. The output had none of the specialized formatting like headers, grouping, summary calculations, etc. Since the users could see the data in the web browser and scroll left/right, they were OK with the temporary fix. When I heard this:
Me: “You do know the application could output the report in HTML exactly the way it prints to the printer. All we would have to do enable that feature in the application.”
Dev: “Yea, but I thought it would be cool to do it as a web app.”
Me: “OK, but we should just update the app.”
Dev: “Um...that is going to be difficult, the boss liked my idea so much, he wanted the report replaced with my asp application. I deleted the application from source control and from the network. Sorry.”
Me: “OMFG!…tell me you make a backup!”
Dev: “Ha!...no…boss said you would fight innovation. Web is the future.”
Me: ”What is going to happen when the printer is fixed!? Users are going to flip”
Dev: “Oh, we didn’t think of that. Oh well, that’s your problem now.”
Me: “WTF? My problem?”
Dev: “Yea, you are moving to the team responsible for those legacy applications, since innovation really isn’t your thing. I just got promoted to senior developer.”6 -
Normal guy : it's hard to understand my girlfriend ...👯😣💩
Front-end Dev : Ha.. then try Javascript 😎1 -
You think arrays starting with 1 are annoying?
HA!
How about time in a day starting with 12?
12:00, 12:45, 1:00, 1:45,...,11:45, 12:00, 12:45, 1:00, 1:45, ..., 11:45, 12:00, 12:45, 1:00 again
What if arrays started with 12? I bet Americans would love that!
arr[12]=fuck
arr[1]=this
arr[2]=shit
arr[3]=!!!14 -
My friend ha just big exam in their programming class. They got the assignment week before and were allowed to use libraries. They were using Java and Maven repos. He created his own Maven repo and added finished assignment as a library. He just added his repo to the gradle project and selected his library as a dependecy. He then created one class with main method, 10 lines of user input and called main method from his library. Since the school newly tests students work automatically, he instantly passed with 100% and had to look like hes actually working for next 3 hours 😂. Noone noticed anything after 2 weeks 😂1
-
Dashing through the snow
Get the fuck out of my way
You are all so slow
and fat, what do you weigh?
HA HA !!
I'll end your caroling
but It won't be a silent night
I've come to terrorize your town
and watch you die tonight
Jingle Bells
Go to hell
I've hijacked Santa's sleigh
Oh what fun it is to ride over bodies every day
HEY !!
Jingle Bells
Go to hell
Bodies will decay
after you're all crushed beneath my motherfucking sleigh
HEY !!
Credits: Insanity Wold3 -
Just saw this:
Add comma's to your passwords to mess with the csv file they will be dumped in after a data breach9 -
For about 3x years now, we have had 3x generic work email addresses that are used as microsoft accounts for office 2016 licenses.
(The company is dragging its heels on getting office 365 so MS like to make our lives hell.)
Suddenly we can’t get office updates... and when we sign in to see why, it says that because we are apparently only 3 years old we need our parents permission to use the account or we’ll lose access by September.
Never were we forced to enter a DOB when setting the accounts up!!! So it used the account setup date instead.
It turns out that we can’t change our DOB ourselves, as we are a ‘child’ and need a parents permission.
Fine.
I access my personal account and follow the instructions to add the 3x email addresses as my children so i can change the DOB.
‘Ha ha’ i hear microsoft saying, ‘it doesn’t work that way!!’
No, In order for the parent to verify their child’s identity, they are charged 0.50c per child!
Wtf!!
Doesn’t cost a lot but come on Microsoft!!
It’s that, or submit ID, which obviously wont work for a generic support@ email address like we have.
So annoying and we don’t know what to do.
Wonder how much MS are making out of this...2 -
Ha ha! Fuck you Apple. Forced to use USB c after your stupid charger games every iphone release.
Its about time. You pricks keep forcing new chargers on me. I have a drawer full of obsolete chargers.18 -
Shit Developers say:
Fuck you Jasmine and your camelCase
I’ve been wrestling cucumbers all day
Oh no all the cucumbers are broken
In a fit of refactoring madness I have gone and changed a lot
Did you seriously just give ME nil?... No!
If the shit sticks, then we put nice paint on it
Fucking red dot motherfucker (Ben and his failing specs)
You know what we don’t do often..kill each others builds. Kill them and reschedule for later. Mwahaha ha ha.
This build is going to be so rad...(5mins later)...Ok this is not going to pass..I can feel it in my waters!
Can i do that in a digital way or do i have to move my meaty body downstairs to find him?
All the donkeys have be out the gate by sundown
God, imagine if you could patent mathematical solutions
actually, I wouldn't be surprised if you can in the states "no, you can't use a laplace transform, you haven't got the rights, you have to use a less accurate transform on your matrices"
ooooo a boolean that's phrased in the negative, my favourite for code review destruction!
Fuck the police i'll call the object here
Web RTC - its super easy, all you have to do is..probably some hard stuff
I want to go to that conference so I can start arguments with dickheads about semicolons. Just for fun.
This this is not the same as that this.
Can’t come to work I can’t find any clothes. It’s best for everyone if I just don’t come in. ...2 hours later... Yeah my clothes were just in the other room and i couldn’t be fucked moving
(OH about bad bug reports) - you know when they are all like oh joogly joogly doesn’t doodle doodle and it should wobbly doodle you know? and im all like fuck i don’t know any of that shit you are talking about.
Him: "I don’t like it, it’s against REST convention its so 2006 that my eyes are bleeding. As a privileged white male i feel entitled to complain about this." Me: "you. were. eleven in 2006
Source: Kellective Github2 -
*Gives the list of top three candidates (All women) to hire to HR Manager (A Lady)*
HRM: Ha, I always knew it, women are always better than men. Alas, you are realising now.
*At that moment, it felt as if all my hard work to judge all the candidates abilities without any prejudice whatsoever, just got collected by the garbage collector*
Why does it have to be Men Vs Women, why does there have to be any comparison at all, except the question that how does this individual compare to the rest.
I really don't care whether one is old, young, male or female or whatever other factor that can be used to separate humans into groups. Why can't it simply be: Does this individual produce the end result required? Period.6 -
ha...
that I did NOT expect.
Opening a website in chrome. Laptop's transforms into a drone and tries to lift off my desk and fly away with its fans. I see warning popups telling me that CPU Tº is 100ºC.
Opening website in FF. Laptop calmly opens it up and raises Tº from 50ºC to only 75ºC.
And here I thought that Chrome is fine-tuned for anything you can throw at it.
And the website really has nothing fancy in it... Just some text to read, images to see in the background and some buttons to click on.
https://ignitis.lt/lt/...
its EN version, however, does not have the laptop-heater feature installed.
WTF11 -
A follow up for this rant : https://devrant.com/rants/1429631/...
its morning and i have been awoke all night, but i am so happy and feel like crying seeing you people's response. :''''') Thank-You for helping a young birdie like me from getting exploit.
In Summery, I am successfully out of this trickery, but with cowardice, a little exploited and being continuously nagged by my friend as a 'fool'.
Although i would be honest, i did took a time to take my decision and got carried away by his words.
After a few hours of creating a group, he scheduled a conference call , and asked me to submit the flow by which my junior devs will work.
At that time i was still unclear about weather to work or not and had just took a break from studies. So thought of checking the progress and after a few minutes, came up with a work-flow, dropped in the group and muted it.
At night i thought of checking my personal messages , and that guy had PMed me that team is not working, check on their progress. This got me pissed and i diverted the topic by asking when he would be mailing my letter of joining.
His fucking reply to this was :"After the project gets completed!"
(One more Example of his attempts to be manipulative coming up, but along with my cowardice ) :/
WTF? with a team like this and their leader being 'me'( who still calls him noob after 2 internships and 10 months android exp), this project would have taken at least one month and i was not even counting myself in the coding part(The Exams).
So just to clarify what would be the precise date by which he is expecting the task, to which he said "27th"(i.e, tomorrow!)
I didn't responded. And rather checked about the details of the guy( knew that the company was start-up, but start-ups does sound hopeful, if they are doing it right) .A quick social media search gave me the results that he is a fuckin 25 year old guy who just did a masters and started this company. there was no mention of investors anywhere but his company's linkedin profile showed up and with "11-50" members.
After half an hour i told him that am not in this anymore, left the group and went back to study.(He wanted to ask for reasons, but i denied by saying a change of mind ,personal problems, etc)
Well the reality is over but here comes the cowardice part:
1)Our team was working on a private repo hosted on my account and i voluntarily asked him to take back the ownership, just to come out of this safely w/o pissing him off.
2)The "test" he took of me was the wireframe given by their client and which was the actual project we 5 were working on. So, as a "test", i created 15 activities of their client's app and have willingly transferred it to them.
3) in my defence, i only did it because (i) i feared this small start-up could harm my reputation on open platforms like linkedin and (ii)the things i developed were so easy that i don't mind giving them. they were just ui, designed a lot quickly but except that, they were nothing(even a button needs a code in the backend to perform something and i had not done it) . moreover, the guys working under me had changed a lot of things, so i felt bad for them and dropped the idea of damaging it.
Right now am just out of sleep, null of thoughts and just wondering weather am a good person, a safe player or just a stupid, easily manipulated fool
But Once again My deepest regard from my heart for @RustyCookie , @geaz ,@tarstrong ,and @YouAreAPIRate for a positive advice.
My love for devrant is growing everyday <3 <3 <3 <35 -
Previous intern had a bad habit of living empty catch blocks...
It's like he had some mommy issues.
It's like handing an empty first aid box to guy.
"You know what I am gonna do, leave empty catch every where just to fuck with the next guy...Ha...Ha..."1 -
Recently i had a small talk with someone working in the banking sector . When that person acknowledged what i do for a living , she started to be a little bit passive-agressive .
Her:"You know someday , sooner than later , a guy like you is going to create something like artificial intelligence to replace all the devs in the world . Ha ha ha ! And your golden age is going to end . "
Me:"So you think this guy is going to create a smart program , software or platform , that will create software from what ? "
Her:" We will write the specs directly in the program and we will get the software after !"
Me:"And what if the specs are impossible, from logical point of view. "
Her:" Well there will be some rules and you will need to respect them !"
Me: "And people need to learn the logic of these rules?"
Her: " Yes a little bit of training!"
Me:" We already have that !"
Her: " We have ?! "
Me: " Is called .... CODING !"
Her: **silence **
(I remembered the burn from a comic -- forgot the name-- but GOD it felt good !)
Why some people hate us ?4 -
Work: We're gonna add another project to you. Nice, so thats 3 now. Oh, and get 2 of them done by the end of this month please. Thanks.
Me: ...
Me: ha ha ha3 -
Real Incident (India)
So, this one time, out of the Blue, my engineering manager said "Let's, Shit together sometime."
I was like "Yeah, Sure. Sounds like a great Idea."
**-(Wondering why am I always so Agreeable to her 😒)
She has a bit of an accent and I realised she actually meant "Sit".
What a bummer!!! I was really looking for some intimacy, not the ideal way, but, it was something nonetheless.
Ha!
Back to the Screen, now!
4 -
Ha ha just this happened, One young man is building some shit on Wordpress with bunch of free plugins. And he said i'm a good dev. And he's login page load speed is 47 seconds.2
-
New teacher assigned and she realizes that the previous teacher did not teach anything in this webdev class. HA! I was right all along.1
-
>Client complains about a 30 minute downtime around midnight
>Client also pays only for a single VM on a HV that they don't even own themselves
>Replies with an offer of how to make the setup more resilient, going from 1 VM to 2 LBs/FE loadbalanced through BGP, and distributing traffic through HaProxy onto 2 BE machines that in turn talk to a Postgres Cluster with RepMgr for dynamic failover.
>No reply so far
Hmmm :^)5 -
"Ha you commented your code that nobody is going to read! That's funny dude good humor!"
If good coding practice is funny then I'm in good standing.3 -
HA DUMB SCHOOL. our school is throwing away a shit ton of server and desktops and I wanna grab some of them.
9 -
Most awkward video conference call?
Our department is in a 'virtual' book club, reading The Unicorn Project, and I asked..
Me: "So what similarities have you seen with the Phoenix project and projects we work on here?"
Dale: "Ha ha..sooo many. The biggest is the disconnect of managers with no clue of what goes on."
<Vice president of our department also in the book club>
VP: "Really? Dale, I'd like to know more about this."
<awkward silence with blank stares all around>
DBA: "Come on Dale...spill the beans. Got the VP right there."
Dale: "Um...nope...not going there...nope"
<Dale's screen goes black>
VP: "OK, so when Maxine asks ..." -
Longest I've worked without rest + why?
Over 24 hours. Why?
In our old system, the database had fields, for example, a customer like Total97, Total98, etc. to store values by year (or some date-specific value).
Every January 1, we had to add fields to accommodate the upcoming year and make the appropriate code changes to handle the new fields.
One year the UPS shipping rates changed and users didn't want to 'lose' the old rates, so they wanted new fields added (Rate98, Rate99, etc) so they could compare old vs. new. That required a complete re-write of most of the underlying applications because users wanted to see the difference on any/all applications that displayed a shipping rate. I'll throw in asking 'why?' was often answered with "because we pay you to do what we say". Luckily, we had already gotten to work on a lot of this before January 1st, so we were, for the most part, ready.
January 1st rolls around (we had to be in the office at 3:00AM), work thru changes, spend some time testing, and be done before noon. That didn't happen. The accounting system was a system that wasn't in (and had never been) in scope, and when we flipped the switch, one of the accountants comes into the office:
E: "Guys? None of our Excel spreadsheets are working. They are critical to integration with the accounting software"
Us: "What? Why would you be using Excel to integrate with the software instead of their portal?"
E: "We could never figure it out, so we had a consultant write VBA scripts to do the work."
Us: "OK, a lot of fields changed, but shouldn't be a big deal. How many spreadsheets are we talking about?"
E: "Hundreds. We have a separate spreadsheet for every integration point. The consulting company said it scalable, whatever that means."
Us: "What?! Why we just know hearing about this!?"
E: "Don't worry, the consultant said making changes would be easy, let me show you, just open the spreadsheet..click here..<click><click><click>...ignore that error, it always happens...click that <click><click><click>.."
Us: "Oh good lord, this is going to take hours"
E: "Ha! Probably. All this computer stuff is your job and I've got a family to get to. Later"
Us: "Hey 'VP of IS', can we go home and fix these spreadsheets as-needed this week?"
VP-IS: "Let me check with 'VP-FS'"
<few minutes later>
VP-IS: "No, he said Excel is critical to running their department. We stay until Excel is fixed."
Us: "No, no...its these spreadsheets. I doubt FS needs all of them tomorrow morning."
VP-IS: "That's what I said. Spreadsheets, Excel, same thing. I'll order the pizza. Who likes pepperoni!?"
At least he didn't cheap out on the pizza (only 4 of us and he ordered 6 large, extra pepperoni from one of the best pizza places in town)
One problem after another and we didn't get done until almost 6:00AM. Then...
VP-IS: "Great job guys. I've scheduled a meeting at 8:00AM to review what we did so we can document the process for next year. You've got a couple of hours. Feel free to get some breakfast and come back, or eat the left over pizza in the breakroom fridge. There is a lot left"
Us: "Um...sorry...we're going home."
VP-IS: "WHAT!!...OK...fine. I'll schedule the meeting for 12"
Us: "No...we're going home. We'll see you tomorrow." -
Was fixing a bug and suddenly got an error that the lodash library could not be loaded. Funny, didn't even know the project used that lib. Looked for the reference and the previous dev used _.times instead of a for loop. Ha okay, interesting. Wonder where else this library is used.
Searched the whole project for references, dependencies, whatever, any sign of it. Fucking. Nothing.
Rewrote the _.times part as a simple for loop, then removed the library. The rest of the project still worked perfectly. Took me about a minute and a half.
Who the fuck uses an entire damn library to... Not write a for loop I guess?!7 -
Our employee management system, for some reason, stored Testlists (I work in QA) linked to the user accounts that created them. Now after an colleague who worked there for five years left pretty much all our data was suddenly down the drain and nobody backed the fricking server up because, hey, whats the fun in that. Now all the tests need to be rewritten and other than the whole gui test automation of our product, maintenance of the same for another product, manually testing dev issues and training my new code monkeys to frickin not commit non working code to the trunk I have now also "Make a better Employee management system" (roughly translated those are the specs I've got) on my plate... I can remember back to the care free days of just before my boss asked me if I wanted to try to automate some of the test cases... How did I ever survive this paralyzing tranquility. Ha, surprise.
!rant, I fucking love the stress and juggling a shit ton of problems at the same time keeps ine on edge.2 -
Tried flutter for the first time in life, for 2 days, java based Android dev here.
I have some.... thoughts...
Flutter does not feel extremely new to me. It is very much relatable if you have ever tried basic the spring/ other java based gui framework. It is trying to achieve the goods from multiple worlds,its so far good, but mann its playing on thin ice.
Flutter : Yo boy embrace me. I am the beauty. checkout my hot reload.
Me :❤️❤️😍 (But wait. your first execution is wayy longer than a simple android studio build. And AS would generally take smaller time after every rebuild. And you are going to take the same long time as first build, if app gets closed or my usb gets accidentally removed. So I see what you did there ;))
Flutter: Ha. Checkout my function passing as parameter. ever thought your puny java going to give you that?
Me :you got me ,❤️. (Although this style is not so uncommon with web devs)
Flutter: everything is a widget, everything is stateful or stateless, Single Streams FTW!
me: ❤️
Flutter:You kotlin devs are gonna love me, i got Small, concise code
Me: Now wait, This is a thin ice for me, okay? I hated when kotlin replaced everything with symbols & lamdas for a confusing but small code, So be careful,even though your code is still good.
Flutter : Control every pixel , dear! No more xmls!
Me : Yes, what is with that? are we accidentally going in the past?
Java desktop apps, spring framework used to build whole layouts with programming language. The day i stepped into Android, it was xml for ui and java/kotlin for code. was that a bad decision or is this one?
Anyways i liked my stuff seperated, but that's just me.
Flutter : Ugh so much whining. Are you going to work with me or not?
Me : Yes mam! ❤️4 -
Sooooo.... I just read that CSS 3 is actually Turing complete. So ha to all of you that say CSS isn't a programming language. It's been proven that it is. HA. This is the second greatest day of my life, only after finding out that Powerpoint is Turing complete. Yeah.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/...3 -
Medieval torture devices got nothin' on Angular.
The Rack? Ha, good times!
Brazen Bull? Happily!
Iron Maiden? Yes, please!
Pear of Anguish? Funny name, I'll take it!
But Angular?!
PLEASE GOD, NO! HAVE MERCY ON MY SOUL!4 -
So I my boss told me about an interview ha had for a new account manager position.
${BOSS} so can you tell me about your knowledge with DNS and DHCP?
${GIRL} I have no idea, I dont listen to West Coast rap
${BOSS} ...5 -
Thanks to a fellow ranter who triggered my PTSD, I will ha e to go with not only the worst, but also most evil piece of software ever conceived: MOTHER FUCKING LOTUS NOTES5
-
Hey guys! lambda is amazing! Docker containers! They said the whole amazing point with containers is that they run the same everywhere! Except not really, because lambda 'containers' are an abomination of *nix standards with arbitrary rules that really don't make sense! That's ok though, you can push your shit to fargate, then it will work more like those docker containers you know and love and can run locally! Oh wait! fargate is a pain in the ass x 2 just to setup! You want to expose your REST api running on a container to the world? well ha, you'd better be ready to spend literally 2 weeks to configure every fucking piece of technology that every existed just to do that!!!! it's great, AWS, i love it, i'm so fucking big brained smart!!!
give me a break.... back in my day you'd set up an nginx instance, put your REST / websocket / graphQL service whatever behind it, and call it a day!!!!!!!
even with tools like pulumi or terraform this is a pain in the ass and a half, i mean what are we really doing here folks
way too complicated, the whole AWS infrastructure is setup for companies who need such a level of granularity because they have 1 billion users daily... too bad there are like 5 companies on the planet who need this level of complexity!!!!!!!
oh, and if your ego is bashed because of this post, maybe reread it and realize you're the 🤡
i'm unhappy because i was lied to. docker containers are docker containers, until they aren't. *nix standards are *nix standards, until they aren't
bed time.12 -
Me: Runs Dedicated Server from home, cheap easier to admin and easy to keep up with upgrades and hardware for my needs.
UKWeather: HA ya I given you 3 good years of OK weather so now you have some super hot weather as I know your brits have no AC haha.
Me: Well darn (alt F4, shutdown - reason: Two Hot )
Time to drill holes move cables and relocate the server to a more cooler place in the home :P7 -
My first rant for ages
I'm working on a new project at a new company. We ha e a bunch of front end clients talking to an api.
I suggested that the api only communicate in terms of view models in order to bring some kind of standardisation to the project since at the time the gets and posts were either dB entities, view models, or just whatever the dev at the time decided.
I got a no, but that we could do posts and gets just with database entities. OK better than nothing..
I'm the front end angular app I implemented a generic form component and a generic data table component. The models given to these to build the components need to implement a view model interface.
Now we have a problem of the api giving us not view models and the front end needing view models so I put together a way to handle this in the front end.
My colleague with 8 years experience asks for my help and I'm happy to oblige. It turns out a model should have multiple child models in the database but the database entity models don't reflect this and therefore there is no way to build the view models. The data just isn't there from the api... Still I show him what the front end model should look like and write all the front end code for him to handle that.
2 days later he asks for my help again. It's exactly the same problem. Instead of fixing the backend and setting up the one to many relationship he has ignore the problem, retrieved a one to one relationship model and is just trying to force it to work - even though the data isn't there. He has also commented or removed all the code I helped him write and overwritten a file of typescript models that get autogenerated for us to be in sync with the backend...
I actually felt bad afterwards but I got frustrated as hell and he could tell...1 -
Ha ha ha!
I will wait a while before I pass judgement if you don't mind...
Microsoft bought GitHub to rebuild developer trust, says new CEO.
Linky below:
http://itpro.co.uk/development/...7 -
The best AH-HA moment is the ones that you just can't get your mind around and then go for a coffee break.
Come back to your desk and then ... bam! There it is!
Thanks, coffee ☕2 -
JSF: Yeah, we make it so can focus on what's important and you never have to write HTML or CSS like those lowly web developers.
Also JSF: You can't nest <h:form> components because nested forms are invalid HTML. Oh, that breaks the composite component you were trying to use? Ha, fuck off.
Primefaces: You know how you can just provide an ID and OverlayPanel will open on its own? Well, for a Dialog, the API is completely different. Here's a glob of JavaScript in an onclick event.
I swear this entire thing was regurgitated by a murder of seagulls.1 -
Prof introducing a batch of non-programmers to JavaScript.
Me: Ha! I'm going to ace this class.
Disclosure: Its an Art school, We're studying Multimedia Arts, and we have a couple of Web Development classes that focus on html, css, js, and php. (and I have been a web developer for 4 years)2 -
This was a pretty bad interview process
https://devrant.com/rants/5443046/...
What’s funny is that they told me I lacked experience, but then within the following year they called me at least 5 times asking if I was available, as they were desperately looking for someone.
No thanks1 -
Y'all Vim (anti)fanboyz be like "ha! try to exit Vim!"
And then there's me, Emacs fanboy... my first shortcut was to undo a change - Ctrl+Z. Guess who looked at the monitor like if he got a wet slap?
Note: it minimizes the window and I blinked right in that while. -
During one of our 'pop-up' meetings last week.
Ralph: "The test code the developers are checking in is a mess. They don't know what they are doing."
ex.
var foo = SomeLibrary.GetFoo();
Assert.IsNotNull(foo);
Fred: "Ha ha..someone should talk to HR about our hiring practices. These people are literally driving the company backwards."
Me: "I think unit testing is complete waste of time."
- You could almost see the truck hit the wall and splatter watermelon everwhere..took Ralph and Fred a couple of seconds to respond
Fred: "Uh..unit testing is industry best practice. There is scientific evidence that prove testing reduces bugs and increases code quality"
Ralph: "Over 90% of our deployments are rolled back because of bugs. Unit testing will eliminate that."
Me: "Sorry, I disagree."
- Stepping on kittens wouldn't have gotten a worse look from Fred and Ralph
Fred: 'Pretty sure if you ask any professional developer, they'll tell you unit testing and code coverage reduces bugs.'
Me: "I'm not asking anyone else, I'm asking you. Find one failed deployment, just one, over the past 6 months that unit testing or code coverage would have prevented."
- good 3 seconds of awkward silence.
Ralph: "Well, those rollbacks are all mostly due to server mis-configurations. That's not a fair comparison."
Me: "I'm using your words. Unit tests reduces bugs and lack of good tests is the direct reason why we have so many failed deployments"
Boss: "Yea, Ralph...you and Fred kinda said that."
Fred: "No...we need to write good tests. Not this mess."
Me: "Like I said, show me one test you've written that would have prevented a rollback. Just one."
Ralph: "So, what? We do nothing?"
Me: "No, we have to stop worshiping this made up 80% code coverage idol. If not, developers are going to keep writing useless test code just to meet some percent. If we wrote device drivers or frameworks for other developers maybe, but we write CRUD apps. We execute a stored procedure or call a service. This 80% rule doesn't fit for code we write."
Fred: "If the developers took their head out of their ass.."
Me: "Hey!..uh..no, they are doing exactly what they are being told. Meet the 80% requirement, even if doesn't make sense."
Ralph: "Nobody told them to write *that* code."
Boss: "My gosh, what have you and Fred been complaining about for the past hour?"
- Ralph looks at his monitor and brilliantly changes the subject
Ralph: "Oh my f-king god...Trump said something stupid again ..."
At that point I put my headphones on went back to what I was doing. I'm pretty sure Fred and Ralph spent the rest of the day messaging back-n-forth, making fun of me or some random code I wrote 3 years ago (lots of typing and giggling). How can highly educated grown men (one has a masters in CS) get so petty and insecure?7 -
Recently installed SonarQube and its been amazing to see the level of code quality (or lack thereof)
Some projects have 30 to 60 days of technical debt and I found a few files with a cyclomatic complexity over 100. I’m still learning what the “good” numbers should be.
Yesterday, couple of devs were very proud they were going to start reducing the numbers, they started with one of my solutions that had 5 minutes of technical debt. Yes, 5 minutes.
DevA: “OMG…look at this…it has a cyclomatic complexity of 11…that’s terrible. I thought we were supposed to be professional developers.”
DevB: “And take a look at this, he used the double-slash instead of a triple slash for comments. How does any of code even compile?!”
Me: “Maybe we should tweak some of those SonarQube rules so they make more sense to our code base. We’re never going to use unicode, so all those string culture warnings should go away and code comment formatting? Who cares? Be happy we have comments. I think we should also focus on the bigger fish in that pond. The CRM project is one of the biggest and has a lot of improvement opportunities.”
DevB: “There you go again, don’t bring me problems, bring me solutions..ha ha”
DevA: “Yea, no kidding …hey…did you see the logger? OMG…the whole class is over 25 lines…we gotta split that up into smaller projects so it’s more manageable.”
It’s a good thing our revenue stream isn’t dependent on people getting work done.3 -
CTO/CEO (previous place) - we're not production engineers, so we're going to fork your code base and move way faster than all of you and then you can maintain it. Doesn't that sound inspiring?
25% of the company: ha... Here's our 2 week notice.2 -
I was copying data from a failing zfs drive with rsync and I noticed that it spent a long time on the file ~/.local/share/Baloo/index
du -h index showed a 500ish MB file which didn't seem large enough to take this long.
I recalled that du shows disk usage, not file size and since I was using zfs compression they could be quite different.
so I added -A for apparent size:
du -hA index and it comes back with 1.7E
The file was 1.7 exabytes...6 -
A quote I came up with, during some beers when complaining about how we've required our Devs to be always available on-call because we've shied away from investing in the reliability of our systems.
1 -
Hahaha ahah ahaha ahha haha ha :') does saying that its a solo project and throwing me into a team of incompetent researchers count? Does specifying a python-ish stack and giving me c++ and fortran code count? Does not fucking paying me until i threatened to leave the job and delete everything i wrote for them count? Does speaking to 9billion people to get the same job as fulltime because i spent 8 hours working for them anyway count?
-
Started my internship as a webdev assistant in my college's IT team...
Ha...have you heard about ColdFusion?4 -
For the past 5+ years all I’ve heard from DevA and DevB is what a mess our source control is, we should be using our own custom nuget feeds,..Monday morning quarterback this…Monday morning quarterback that.
This year the department manager gave them the green light to start from scratch. Like ‘green field’ start from scratch. If I were involved, I would have been excited with such an opportunity.
For the past two hours all I’ve heard is ..
DevA: “What should we call this namespace?”
DevB: “I don’t know, I can’t make that decision.”
DevA: “Yea, that’s a business decision. Let’s call it Common for now.”
DevB: “Yea, it’s stupid, but we can change it later.”
DevA: “What about logging project?”
DevB: “Well, how about Core? Every project should have a Core.”
DevA:”Ha ha…like .Net Core. I like it.”
On and on…it’s all I can do from throwing my chair right now.1 -
God I fucking hate macs.
I got a mac at work. I tried to install ubuntu, with rather questionable results (unfortunately, I expected that) - so I tried to get mac work for me the way I like a system to work. I needed to download slack, simple enough, right? Ha, you wish. It's gotta be done through Apple store, so I went to create an Apple ID inside the Apple Store form. And, well, it just errored out on the submission. Great start. I went then to the settings and created an account there, great success, went back to Apple Store. Unfortunately being logged in at the system level doesn't mean you are logged in to the store. So, I went to log in to the store, simple enough, right? No, nothing's simple with Apple. After logging in I got a message that the Apple ID has not yet been used with Apple Store and that I need to review the account's setting. So, I click the "review" button and... I'm presented with a log in form. Yep, a perfect log in loop. I can't log in because I can't review the account but I can't review the account because I can't log in. Fun :)
You can't just go to the web admin panel for your account to review it for Apple Store, that would too be too easy. After a bit of searching I've found an answer on StackOverflow. You need to log in to iTunes. Through a fucking MUSIC APP. To install a free application from the store you need to log in to a music app. Yes, we're all mad here.
Then, after finding out that to be able to use side buttons on my mouse I need an app that I need to manually restart every time I restart the machine and that I need to have an app to fucking transfer files from an android I need another fucking app, because reading a storage of a linux-based system would be too standards compliant - something in me broke. I found out that installing windows on a mac is officially supported.
Supported doesn't mean that it's easy. I tried to install it trying different solutions from SO, but each time I would get an error that Windows couldn't modify the boot partition. Turns out that even wiping the drive and reinstalling OSX doesn't remove residual files on a boot partition and Windows installer is not allowed to modify them. It took me hunting into some shady looking site to actually find this answer. I have no fucking idea how long it all took me, but, finally, great success, Windows, WSL, side buttons working, I can even install slack from an installer. I just wish I could have those hours of my life back.17 -
L1 support requested to terminate an EC2 instance on which one of our apps seemed to be misbehaving. The node was terminated after few min.
L1 later realized that that instance didn't belong to that app, but instead it was one of the RabbitMQ nodes.
Then, after some panicking we remembered that HA was enabled, so nothing should've been lost.
Later, we realized that the recent RMQ upgrade necessitated a new cluster on which HA was NOT enabled!1 -
After a code review where I identified an odd way a request was being generated, I suggested to the developer to utilize the Strategy pattern.
Knowing that the Strategy pattern probably wouldn't make sense in the current context, I told him I would put an example together by the end of the day.
I throw something together, sent it to him.
Go to the restroom, come back and 'Bob' says..
Bob:"There is my hero. Justin said you saved the world again. What was it this time? World hunger? Global warming? Ha ha ha."
Frack off you condescending kiss ass. Why don't you take 5 minutes to listen and understand the problem Justin was having instead of making fun of him?
Yea, I heard you this morning laughing at his code, monday-morning quarterbacking a solution in which you have no idea whats going on.
Heard your days are numbers anyway. Good riddance.1 -
So the other day, I was working on some Python project when there was this bug that kept transforming. Like seriously, I would turn from "bool not defined" to "function does not exist" to literally "file does not exist"... within the FILE. And when I fixed them, new bugs kept popping up, and I couldn't find anything that was a problem. Nothing. There was this one function in there that, if I changed even the comments in there, would break. And so.... I turned off Atom and turned it on again. ( ha ) Didn't work. I restarted my computer. I copy pasted the file into another file. I used another IDE. I restarted GHCI. I restarted Jupyter Notebook... and after 6 hours... I found that it was because an if statement has a comparison between a bool and a bool, with a = in the middle. (not ==). I swear I almost threw the computer on the floor.1
-
Question;
I have heard about Apache Hadoop for a while but never bothered to learn anything about it.
What can it be used for? Can I use it for hosting thousands of websites powered by php/hhvm?
I am starting to have a need for a really HA and High Performance solution that is futureproof too. My current solution is doing great also when it comes to performance and HA, but it is always nice to try out new things...
So the question is, can Hadoop be used in a hostingsolution?4 -
Quick question, is it bad to quit from a job when the project is not finished yet, especially in a startup company?
My reasoning for quitting, boss doesn’t really understand how game development usually works and mostly assuming every project will be same.
Following is my rant of background story for my question.
The incident triggered me wanting to leave is as below.
G = another guy from incubating center
B = boss
G: hey B, do u know this game studio is releasing this title soon. It’s a local company. Sounds cool.
Then they went to check the company profile. Found that the company has abt 40 staffs in total.
B: hey lunadev, do u know them? They have 40 people to make 2 titles. I think we’re the smallest company in the world that developing mobile games. Ha ha ha.
Me: oh, may be their project scope is complex. But I don’t think ours is the smallest company in the world making game. (We have 5 in total including him) there are others with only 2 ppl making games. (My sarcastic side took over me and said) I think we’re the only company in the world that has such small manpower with shortest deadline.
B: then how long do u think our timeline should be?
Me: abt 2 yrs? (Me considering all the artworks, features, testing time that we have to do)
B: urmmm I don’t think it’s that long. May be abt 6 months or a year at most?
G: ya, abt 6 months. Mobile games are not like desktop games or others so should be abt 6 months. Shouldn’t take that long.
Me: ... :)
Then I packed up my stuffs and left for the day. As for side note, boss designed the game himself and it took him 5 years to add complex features. And sometimes he will still come up to us and ask us to add that feature just cuz he was just inspired by another game he just played. Now can they tell us, this game can finish in 6 months? On what ground?
And another thing that he does gets on my nerve is that he plays game during office hours while the rest of us rushing for his project and campaign.
So, if I quit now, they’d still be in the middle of development. Oh and I’m the main programmer developing the game. So, erm.. Is it wrong?7 -
Post BA Phil degree pre CS degree
My parents - oh cool
My extended family - 'I thought you were going to go to law school, wow how many times are you going to change your mind?' 'who is going to pay for another degree, oh yeah your parents, kids these days' 'so what are you going to do with that Philosophy degree?' 'What are you going to do when mommy stops supporting you?'
Post CS Degree, employed doing what I love, paying off my loans
My parents - yay
My extended family - sweet f*cking silence, and the occasional 'oh so you are working on computers now?'
HA1 -
when you think you're done coding and can finally start writing...
So you guys have seen my Unreal Engine adventures. I have to use a plugin for it, on top of everything, to extract some data. I've been using this plugin since ages on another pc, but now I had to set it up from scratch since this is a new project, new models, etc.
There is a new version. If I use the new one, it will break the chain which is to follow.
The old version is so legacy that the guy who wrote it does not remember how to set it up.
After hours, and tons of hacks and outcommenting stuff (there is physics involved with which I do nothing), it finally starts doing something. Finally!
Although I'm slowly loosing my sanity in the process....
Even if it now records the data, I cannot say if this is good enough or if the poses are all wonky now.
And that is my masters thesis. Submission deadline is on monday. Ha.
Ironically, since the start of this thesis, I felt like this will either make me or break me. ;D So much fun... FK2 -
Went to unbox and use my Air Fryer a few minutes ago (we are not worthy of these amazing tools) after a hard day of working on RPA and I couldn’t help but chuckle at this.
HA. GOTTEM (more like got me tbh)
3 -
Woke up yesterday to find the OS drive failed in my hypervisor.
24 hours later and amazon prime have delivered a new SSD to get back on track.
Thank god for backups, probably going to setup HA now aswell, but great end to a week :(7 -
The datepicker saga
Part one
So I begin work on a page where user add their details, project is late, taking ages on this page
Nearly done, just need a component to allow users to put in some date of births. Look for react components.
Avoiding that one because fuck Bootstrap.
Ah-ha, that looks good, let's give it a go.
CSS doesn't exist, oh need copy it over from npm dist. Great it applied but...
... WTF it's tiny. Thought it was a problem with my zoom. Nope found the issue in github.com and it's something to do with using REM rather than EM or something, okay someone provided a solution, rather I saw a couple of solutions, after some hacking around I got it working and pasted it in the right location and yes, it's a reasonable size now.
Only it's a bit crap because it only allows scrolling 1 month at a time. No good. Hunting through the docs reveals several options to add year and month drop downs and allow them to be scrolled. Still a bit shit as it only shows certain years, figure I'd set the start date position somewhere at the average.
Wait. The up button on the scroll doesn't even show, it's just a blank 5px button. Mouse scroll doesn't work
Fucking...
... Bailing on that.
Part 2
Okay sod it I'll just make my own three drop down select boxes, day, month and year. Easy.
At this point I take full responsibility and cannot blame any third party. And kids, take this as a lesson to plan out your code fully and make no assumptions on the simplicity of the problem.
For some reason (of which I regretted much) I decided to abstract things so much I made an array of three objects for each drop down. Containing the information to pretty much abstract away the field it was dealing with. This sort of meta programming really screwed with my head, I have lines like the following:
[...].map(optionGroup =>
optionGroup.options[
parseInt(
newState[optionGroup.momentId]
, 10)
]
)...
But I was in too deep and had to weave my way through this kind of abstract process like an intrepid explorer chopping through a rain forest with a butter knife.
So I am using React and Redux, decided it was overkill to use Redux to control each field. Only trouble is of course when the user clicks one of the fields, it doesn't make sense in redux to have one of the three fields selected. And I wanted to show the field title as the first option. So I went against good practice and used state to keep track of the fields before they are handed off to the parent/redux. What a nightmare that was.
Possibly the most challenging part was matching my indices with moment.js to get the UI working right, it was such a meta mess when it just shouldn't have taken so stupidly long.
But, I begin to see the light at the end of this tunnel, it's slowly coming together. And when it all clicks into place I sit back and actually quite enjoy my abysmal attempt at clean and easy to read code.
Part 3
Ran the generated timestamp through a converter and I get the day before, oh yeah that's great
Seems like it's dependant on the timezone??!
Nope. Deploying. Bye. I no longer care if daylight savings makes you a day younger.1 -
RabbitMQ's claim "RabbitMQ is the most widely deployed open source message broker."
They should amend that line to read "..unless you are trying to install on Windows, then you're screwed .ha ha ha ha"
Two hours fighting permissions, missing (and wrong) paths, having to modify *their* batch files, and still can't access the management UI (and yes, the mgmt plugin is enabled).
I hate this 'shaving the yak' exercise.15 -
Ha! I remember now why I picked windows over ubuntu as environment for developing, I can install simultaneously apps in Windows meanwhile in Ubuntu cannot because something gets locked! And FFS the drivers! And also there's no simple way to do simple things like install and get a desktop icon without having to touch some scripts! I mean WTF!9
-
The "AH"-moment when as a boy discovered that with this instructions in QBasic I could literally let the thing do *anything*.
The "HA"-moment only little afterwards that I'll probably never have a clue what a worthwhile thing to make it do would be. -
Family support for becoming a dev?
HA! None at all.
Well, to be fair, my parents bought their first a PC in 1996 for learning how to use it and to write documents for business.
So it was a rather passive support, if at all.1 -
I'm actually setting up a server that's supposed to have a very good uptime with Arch Linux
ha
I use Arch btw13 -
Oh look my website's stopped spitting out errors on every page load and I didn't even touch it!
I guess this confirms that it was my webhost's fault.
Ha.5 -
Tasked with changing a couple of captions on a form. Literly as simple as 'Enter product' to 'Enter item' kind of change.
Reported in our morning stand up the changes where complete, tested and deployed (maybe 15 minutes worth of work including code check out/in, copying the file, etc)
DevA: "Ha ha...that's why you put those strings in resource files."
DevB: "No kidding. Not sure when we'll ever start doing best practices around here."
It was all I could do from saying "What the -bleep-!? That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard." -
I started coding by playing really bad video games. After being suckered into using what allowance I had, I started hacking them to make them better. This led to hacking up MySpace... (ha) That led to actually trying out new languages and eventually unity3d/c# to learn proper coding techniques. I regret nothing!
-
FUCK APPLICATION LEVEL FIREWALLS!
So i cam online today, thought already lets open the shitty outlook webmail client. Holy crap .... thats way to much mails. Many of them are missed teams messages. So i open up teams and holy crap. Like every third dev in my company send me a message screaming "gitab is not working!!!".
Yesterday i updated it so imediately get in panic mode - what the shitty hack have i done?!
So yeah gitlab seems to be working just fine, everything is speedy and responsive, so i call one of my fellow devs and ask him whats wrong? And he is like oh yeah there comes a ldap error saying timeout or something.
I try to login with active directory. Works like a charm. Try another account, same problem?!
Google the problem, search gitlab tickets. Nope there is no open bug or sth. like this.
So alright lets call the network guy. "Yo, can you check if there is something ldap-like getting blocked to the gitlab server?" - He is like oh yeah damn like almost every damn request is getting blocked. Ah wait, there was an firewall update yesterday too. Yeah ldap is no longer ldap. BLOCK THAT SHIT!
After 10 minutes of figuring out what shitty type is detected by the firewall and what needs to be whitelisted to make it fucking work again it seems to work.
But ha no, there is another update rolling on, so same shit like 15 minutes later.
Now it seems to work and i have to inform every damn fcking developer that it works again. And yeah alright you sent a mail, but fuck it, i will call you though! So yeah just answering calls, mails and chat messages. Like why the fuck cant you read your mails like a damn normal person?!1 -
Monitoring tools madness: quest foglight.
So, setting a blackout for an FMS "HA cluster" (which does not work due to a bug infested custom jboss implementation) can bring the servers down... And no way to bring them back up.
This brilliant piece of enterprise APM software costs 600.000€ for a 5year license.
I,ve added more drama (logs, threaddumps, support bundles and screenshots) to the support portal...
45 cases now in total, oldest case still open date 2017...
Fuck you quest software4 -
Under pressure for a big feature that had to be merged into develop like one month ago. But I couldn't because of issues I discover every single fucking day.
Today's issue is that a Cucumber test fails. I try reproducing it on my machine, it fails with a different error. Apparently I need to download some 10GB database file from some company server.
Alright, let's download it. But it's damn too slow. Well, let's have lunch in the meantime.
I come back, the download timed out at basically the same point I left it at.
I don't wanna try again. Not without trying to improve things. Download speed is ridiculous. Switching from Wi-Fi to Ethernet definitely helps, I thought.
The cable doesn't work. The port LEDs are both off. Is that cable even connected to something? So I follow that damn cable throughout my colleagues' desks. I'm now doing things without even remembering why.
I finally find the other end. It is plugged to the wall. I try another plug, but that fucking LED is still off. A colleague tells me: not all the sockets are actually connected to the switch, you have to call IT to have yours patched. Stay calm, stay caaaaalm...
A small lamp turns on in my head. Maybe something in my laptop is broken. So I try with a colleague's ethernet. That fucking LED is still off. A-ha.
Turns out, the shitty macbook adapter has this Ethernet port that DOESN'T work out of the box. It needs a driver to even realize there's a port. I look for it, I find it. I finally have wired connection. It's like having drinking water again.
I turn off WiFi, I re-try downloading that fucking database.
Nope, it's still stupidly slow. The bottleneck was in the dumbfuck internal server.
FUCK.
At least I have Ethernet now.1 -
I kind of don’t like OOP. There I said it.
Don’t get me wrong there are times I like using it. I don’t mind some of the features but I can rarely find times I want to use them.
It can be useful depending on the project but I mostly don’t use it and when I’m using Python I always feel like I have to? I know Python offers multiple types paradigms of programming to use but everyone’s making a big deal about OOP and I can rarely ever find uses for it. What I said for Python also goes for C++ I feel like I’m forced to do it. And I especially hate it in C++ fuck that.
I’d just like to use Python, and C++ without using it or if I do not have to use all the fancy features. And kinda wish Java and C# didn’t force OOP on you but I just don’t use all the fancy features in those languages (I don’t even use java but I’m mostly talking about C# for that one).
It’s not that I don’t know how to use it it’s that I can never find a use for any of the features or just don’t want to actually do it. Personally I only really see it shining in Game development, GUI development, and MAYBE network programming??
By all means I’m not trying to flame on OOP, I just wanted to throw my OOPinion (HA) on the matter. in fact you can tell me why you like it or dislike it. I’d like to discuss the topic with anyone.9 -
Sho Ha Ri
First, follow the tutorial and don't try to do anything fancy, finish it and have it in a working state
Second, start experimenting, can this be improved? How? Does it still work?
Last, transcend. Develop your own way of doing it.
If you don't go through these stages properly you might get stuck and frustrated and never get whatever you're working on in a working state, resulting in hating the technology.2 -
I made this site which is nice. Its a nice project plus I made this for my own. So I decided to book a domain for it.
Turns out every possible name is booked and it started pissing me off. I mean how positive people are for startups.
They made this a real-state business. Saw land acquire it. You never know which one will be next facebook ha!
Then I hit git.com which was parked too. I thought god bless you and your money.2 -
Wrote a detailed spec, costed and agreed. Meanwhile client and designer agree upon half baked designs that only vaguely resemble the spec. Don't worry though, I have balls. I'm not a yes man. Will put them both straight (again) on how the fuck we do things if it involves me, incompetent twats. Will soon be calling the shots again. Ha ha, it's either that or I fucking walk.
-
Hey, you, my new colleague, you are annoying. I have reviewed your PR and left about 50 comments on your mess. I even explained to you why half of your code is shit in a very polite way. I have explained why you have to rewrite that and even how to do that in the best way possible. Result? Half of the code is gone, it works as before but without the overhead.
Now you're annoying cuz I have to go again on conventions and best practices. I totally understand that you've been doing it differently and throwing buzz words at me won't help. Just stop and do it as it's needed in this project, don't reinvent the wheel only because you can.
You know what? Fuck it! I'll approve all your PRs, anyway I am leaving soon. There is no benefit for me to teach you stuff. You're one of those guys that I voted against in interviewing process. But guess what? My manager decided to hire you anyway! Ha! I rarely vote NO and you were a one of those...
Your confidence doesn't impress me. That works on people that have no clue on what you are doing. Your just average at best, not a superstar.
Fuck it, you're on your own now!1 -
More and more, I am getting frustrated/depressed from the attitude of our customers who complain, moan and get angry about issues in their infrastructure, while at the same time, refusing to pay more so the issues could be mitigated.
Like, a client's angry with us today for having one of their non-production-critical databases inaccessible for... Hmm... About 8 hours now (So a whole workday).
Like... I get it, some of your employees couldn't work with it offline, but like... What the hell do we do? You keep data from as far back as several years ago in there, without partitioning, without exports, in a mix of innodb and myisam, so when the DB crashes, and its replication has to be reset from zero, reimporting all the data takes hours upon hours, and importing .sql files just takes time.
Or another client who got angry when their app fell out of the internet, cuz one of their myisam-based log tables crashed, and had to be repaired, with data spanning several years back, meaning it took hours to fix...
The more I work with these "basic" and "simple" infrastructure designs that is *not* redundant, or HA, the more I wonder -- How do the big names out there do it? How do you design systems with fault tolerance so a single DB table crash doesn't lead to the whole app getting inaccessible?
We have... One, exactly one, client, who uses MariaDB with Gallera, and that cluster is *amazing*, it just keeps chugging along, without a care in the world. But it cost them quite a lot, as they had to buy 3 DB servers, instead of 1...1 -
I'm going to fire the universal developer who did this:
```
git clone git://universe/juneeighteen-family
git checkout -b flu
touch family/wife.flu
touch family/oldest-son.flu
touch family/youngest-son.flu
git add .
git commit "Bwa ha ha ha ha"
git push
git merge flu
``` -
I'll monitor our helpdesk ticket system from time-to-time and HR will send their employee termination request so the accounts are deactivated. I notice an odd name I hadn't seen in a long while (names have been changed)
<thought bubble> "Ketsup? Hmmm...wonder if they're related to ol' Brad Ketsup?"
Brad was a bully who would shove me in the bathroom when I would pee so I would tip over and hit the urinal. He was part of pack of older bullies who enjoyed torturing people in the stalls by throwing wet paper towels over the wall or one time in my case, busted the door open (Brad: "Look everybody! PaperTrail is pooping! Look at his little pee-pee...ha ha ha..") Incidentally, the school didn't fix the door, they removed all the doors so the problem wouldn't happen again, but I digress.
I look at the individual's pic, and it was like going back in time. There he was, the near perfect round face, pinned back ears...not Brad, but I'd bet my paycheck at Vegas it was his son. All the vent up frustrations started to bubble up...then...sadness.
Brad moved away in high school and unless the good Lord moved mountains in Brad's life, this poor kid likely lived the same abusive life as Brad. Brad's dad was a drunk and known to be abusive. Statistically speaking, no reason to believe the the apple wouldn't fall far from the tree.
Makes me wonder what happened to all those guys from back then. I know two of em' ended up in prison, but I wonder what I would say if I came across any of them in the wild?
I'm sure most of you had perfect lives growing up and no feelings of mass carnage when you think of the bullies in your early life.5 -
I have been using Windows my entire life but never gotten the bluescreen of death.. What ha e i been doing wrong?! :P
Also I want to learn to use Linux. Which is best for developing and beginners ?11 -
RavenDB was by far the worst document storage "solution" I have ever had the displeasure of working with.
- Loading data crashed the service.
- Queries crashed the service.
- Monitoring applications crashed the service.
- It didn't support clustering or HA of any kind.
- Sometimes it just worked for no good reason.
- Often it broke for completely random reasons.11 -
Ha! Our Ops Support DBA Manager just asked (tongue in cheek) "if we are now supporting MS Access, too?" To which of course, the answer is no. Business user who install Access on their desktop and use it for business, get to provide their own support. As their Dev DBA, I'll be more than happy to help them migrate their data to SQL Server, Oracle, or Teradata, depending on the Use Case for the data. But, no, we don't support Access. Ever.
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Times are so different. Especially don't shoot the messenger. Ha, fuck that. Shoot him on sight. That dude can think for himself if it's OK to deliver the message right?
Sadly, the messengers are protected by 'freedom to speech'. More like 'freedom to propaganda' these days.
This is not only dev related. It's 42 related7 -
Do you want to use text to speech huh? Ha ha ha here’s a low battery pop up to completely derail what you were saying and make you repeat the last 10 seconds.
an actual good design would have waited until the text to speech function was complete to pop up the message or at least don’t stop recording what’s being said. But I guess I don’t understand innovation.
Think different indeed12 -
Ha! There's nothing like listening to a couple of crotchety devs talking shit about agile for half an hour, just to have a junior dev bust into the room and frantically exclaim "we have to start over from scratch again!" Apparently, someone didnt fully understand the requirements... 😉1
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!rant
Spent yesterday customizing my homepage via start.me. Now all my rss feeds and commonly used websites are singularly located on my homepage across browsers. I updated fedora, and changed my desktop to cinnamon. I installed, mint, kali, and arch. Still finishing up arch configuration lol. Procrastinated my group project further. I gotta say, best way to end a year, I've had yet. (And I've had a few now, cuz I'm starting to get old. Lol. Ha. 😫) -
Even though the app geolocation works for all 20 of my devices it's not for apple.
long = fakeLong;
lat = fakeLat;
if (geoLocationWorks){
long = actualLong;
lat = actualLat;
}
Ha! Now even if apple's geolocation isn't working the app will still work.2 -
Attempting to get back on the docker container hype train and I get this error.
Find the issue, and Microsoft's response 'oh...ha ha...our bad. We may or may not fix it. Sorry, sucks to be you.'
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Today I found this 😂😂
https://youtu.be/NATZy-ZqD7A
(I mean: YouTube found me after my previous rant: https://devrant.com/rants/2215801/...)1 -
!rant advice needed
I have an interview at a company this week who work in PHP, magento, angular js, swift and sometimes c#. Sounds quite good for a new grad with one year of experience in PHP and front end.
The problem is the salary is 20-22k. My friends are looking in London and the ones who ha e secured roles are 36k and 40k. They are roughly the same level of developers as me.
So what to do? Probably turn it down? I don't know what o should expect but I was hoping for around 30k. I need the money for personal reasons and 22k doesn't seem like a lot for a first class computer science graduate with a year and a half industry experience. I could be wrong?7 -
Ha, Microsoft closes my easily reproducible issue with their Monaco editor as 'resolved':
> posted "resolution" is totally wrong, it's not even in the TypeScript typings of their own library or anywhere in the documentation
jesus christ today is not my day
seems like everyone already started chugging the Christmas eggnog, maybe I'd just give up and start do the same1 -
I have the entire week off and you suckers have to go into work Monday!
Ha!!
I'll be in Dollywood if you need me. -
I was watching a YouTube video about c++ and the guy used player{1...n} in a game as an example for objects of a class Player.
That was A-ha for me 😅.
I never got that in grade school when teachers used fruits and animals as examples 😂.2 -
Oh china, you always know how to snap me out of long stints of mundane and/or annoying, chore-esq work.
//...and letting me excuse a 10min, otherwise purely wrong procrastination down a current political rabbit hole
I gotta say, at least in china they are bold enough to put their image and identity on whatever they make... but in that 'im selling pseudo-sex, not because im sexy--just the opposite, so you know I relate' way.
Side note: i got an automated spam call survey yesterday*... it ot got to the 1st (of claimed 3) question.. which had a surprising amount of actual reiterations before looping... it was determined to get opinions(and totally incept the lemmings, soccer moms and politically ignorant into their stance, plus intense rage/disgust/dreams of standing on a soap box and fighting about this new issue they were totally unaware of.)... about this actively serving, politician's demand that china sell tiktok or totally stop allowing any operations/use on american soil... because of the heavily implied heinous nature of controlling and twisting society via media to it's explicitly declared communism... even directly called china, as a whole, communists, with impressive dramatics (and i coached public speaking hs and college kids then over a decade of business consulting, typically involving coaching vocals and implicit vocab)
I actually listened to it because it's what a typical subject, brought out of the koolaid fog, would view as ridiculously ironic(assuming they knew the actual, and therefore inherently ironic, def if irony... most dont. It's disturbing)... but it you have decent common sense, and dont emotionally view your entirety as wrong/broken/needing to be fixed in a cult-like manner, it's the oposite of irony. History of/and politics pull this crap all the time. It still works.
It reminds me of how my moniker, awesomeest, came about. In 3rd grade i realised that even adults, knowing they were chatting with an 8yr old, even if they knew/used the correct spelling of a, less common, term... if i misspelled it as if i thought it was right, theyd actually change their spelling to match (in perpetuity) albeit my vocab was easily high school level by then...likely at least in part to my flawless(aka blind/ignorant) demeanor of confidence that whatever i said/thought was totally correct, as a matter of fact. Not like the insecure ppl trying to prove something
I used to find it so comical... now it's just sad.
This bs automated political spam/manipulation is the modern version of i remember of kids farting in the late 90s... the culprit quickly accusing someone else of their offense, but even extra immature kids 25+ yrs ago figured that out... and even made the retort a catchy rhyme..."the one who smelt it, dealt it"
*i basically programmed in a counter attack/something akin to immature passive aggressive ' who"s really the one wasting the other's time and resources now?!? Ha!' ...odd numbers automatically go into a sort of echo chamber instead of ringing, with a manual escape to actually ringing/calling prompt built in.
I can listen in at any time without it having any effecf/sound too.
I'm curious if anyone participates in these minor acts of terrorism to complete an unrequested, intrusive, and human-less format of a proclaimed opinion poll? And if you do, are you honest? Why do you do it?
Annoyance at spam aside... the real victim I mentally mourn, and view it's method of demise akin to a cardinal sin (assuming religion...blah blah)... is the data! I <3 data... good, unobscured, not contrived, simple, pure, raw data... killed before its birth :'(
5 -
My team has a Database Admin 2 position open on the Arvest Career site. We are looking for someone with Data Warehousing/Data Integration background with SQL Server, ETL, SSIS, or equivalent. Also looking for a physical DBA with background in SQL Server, performance tuning, partitioning, DR/HA, Database migrations, dB refresh, dB restore, building out clusters.
https://appone.com/MainInfoReq.asp/... -
I would describe the day with all the soothing sounding adjectives I could find. You don't see this perfect weather in London. The sun rays through the glass walls seem very welcoming my intention.
My plan was to enjoy a couple of cups of coffee while getting boozed in some development works. How beautiful, right?
But alas! a manual rack transfer came in for HA....163 instances
The end -
So I have a raspberry pi running nextcloud and I want to add a second one to improve the availability.
I'm new to HA clusters. What stack would you recommend?17 -
I've been out of programming as my fault job for a while now, still dabble, ... reading the post on here takes me back and almost makes me want to choose something. Ha!2
-
Let me just say:
Galera is bloody incredible. We had 2 out of 3 nodes crash, and it still managed to recover automatically with no downtime.
But let me also say
When it *does* fully crash... Data recovery is an _incredible_ pain in the arse.
Thank you, Galera. Wish more customers were willing to pay for 3 SQL nodes instead of just two while expecting minimal node downtime...7 -
Great practice/skill sharpening idea for my fellow mad dogs that like to get down in multiple languages/syntaxes:
Pick something simple that won't cause too much stress, but will make you sweat a little bit and put up a good fight, ha!!!
For example, I picked the classic "Caesars Cipher" and picked 5 languages to create it in! I picked Dart, Java, Python, CPP, and C. Each version does the same thing:
1. Asks for a message
2. Runs the logic
3. Prints the message cipher.
4. To decrypt, you just run the same program again and enter the cipher text at the message input prompt. The message gets deciphered using the same logic an shows up as the original text.
The kicker:
Only dox/books allowed for reference. Otherwise it wouldn't push you to get better!!!
Python, C, and CPP were EASY, even with me never having used C before. I am great at using Dart, and that one really challenged me for some reason, but I finally got it. The previous 3 langs took less than 40 lines of code each (with Python being only 18 I believe). Dart actually took somewhere around 50, and Java took about 371784784. (Much love to Java though for real!)
Kinda boring as shit, but I gotta tell you it felt fuckin GREAT to look at all 5 of those programs after completing them, no matter how barbaric... especially when you complete 1 or 2 in a language you've never used or maybe felt really challenged by. Simple exercises that hold a lot of important, relatable logic no matter the subject is our lifeblood!!!9 -
'programming' a game on a spectrum zx(copying from a book) for an entire day, only to find out it didn't work ha!
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Using Google Allo since this morning. The reply prediction feature is making my conversations very polite... Ha... Ha... It has to learn that real life conversations are not so polite... At least not with my fellow devs... 😂
-
Eat, sleep, rave, repeat.
Eat, sleep, rave, repeat.
Eat, sleep, rave, repeat.
Eat, sleep, rave, repeat.
Oomf, oomf, oomf, oomf, oomf, oomf, oomf, oom-oom, oomf, oomf, oomf, oomf, oomf, oomf, oomf, oom-oom
Clap, tchh, clap, tchh-clap, tchh-clap, tch-claclaclaclap!
Pay, your bills, pay, your bills, pay, your bills, pay, your bills
Ha-have, kids, ha-have, kids, ha-have, kids, ha-have, kids. Cla, cla-cla-cla-clap! O-obey, o-o-o-obey, o-obey, obey, o-obey, bey, bey, beyyyy..
And rrrrrepeaaaat, aaaafterrrrrr, meeeeeee: I am ffffffffffffffffffreeeeeeeee...
Tekno musik. Tekno musik. Tekno music. Tekno music.
lawl:
https://youtube.com/watch/...4 -
! a programming moment
My ah-ha moment was when i got to know that I could play metal slug on it.
I had gotten a CD consisting of neo geo ROMs on it
and that was one of my best moments in life.
I had never thought that i would have an arcade machine at home
I even invited some friends over and showed them that I had Metal Slug on my computer. -
I love docker swarm, but ffs can we finally get get real clients IP address inside? I am sick of the single point of failure fuck up, docker team!!!2
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Some days it's hard to believe the world ever existed heh maybe the place I call hell would be nicer now. Ha3
-
So well... 2 monitors are not enough for testing an server ha application with teaming/bounding interface with 3 nic.
-
Stackoverflow just got us more work to do. Now we have to redesign the entire monitoring system just when we have finished implementing HA in several DCs.
https://bosun.org/call -
So, some data need to be prepared during the summer and the diverse departments' elected data processors got shared in a Google spreadsheet they will need to fill with some basic data IT needs. Simple, straightforward data entry, with nothing private nor confidential. Just another divide-and-conquer-style large amount of data to enter & organise, that's all.
Today, I received a new comment notification as the owner of the spreadsheet. You can imagine my surprise when I saw that, for some f*cked up reasons, one of the guys just wrote the super-admin username & pw for one of the main data systems we use in a freaking comment in the spreadsheet... WTF...
Oh, and also, juuust in case, he also wrote the pin code that is normally required to pass through the device-check when you log-in as a super-admin from an unknown device and/or location.
Fortunately I could catch it on time, but this just ruined half of my day.
I am supposedly on freaking annual leave. Ha Ha. Ha. -
Hey everyone. I wouldn't do this normally but this is actually my first project that has gone live ehich was also the base of my study for becoming front-end dev. Its a front end lib that mixes bootstrap with styled components. But also explains a way to create react components with variables and theming helpers to quickly create components and themes that are sharable.
Yes， i learned html, css and javascript and jumped onto react about 6 month later. Its been 3 years now but the project ready even though it ha some bugs.
Any help testing and criticising would be of great help. We are trying to be reactive for bug correction and improvements.
https://tinyurl.com/y9q3pp9w -
Today, I began learning about the wonders and horrors of HA in production environments.
My head feels like when I first joined the company as a total noob who never worked an IT job in his life. Soooooooo much new information and concepts and potential issues to learn to avoid.
But all super interesting! -
Ha in Miami
No one would go to Florida
And if you end up in the system there good help you
I feel I should be here in the spring not the winter
4 -
Giving clueless people cues like human emoji still? Do not be unreasonable this will will not waver anymore because there is nothing to lose. the future if it comes will be good but you creatures seem to want to stuff each place with rotting bizarre critters designed to chase other people off like you're actually disguising anything ha5
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