Internet streaming website be like:

Oh no, you can't right click and save the video file on your computer!

*f12* *ctrl+f* *<video* *right click* *open in new tab* *right click* *save as*

Only in computer science you'll find that root is on the top of the tree and that parent may kill it's child after its function is no longer needed.

*computer fell, broken in pieces*

Me calling [Microsoft] tech support: hey can you check my warranty on this computer, I think I broke it?

Tech support: yes sir but we must first go through the troubleshooting steps,

Me: no, no I just-

Tech support: have you tried pressing F8 sir?

Me: umm… no, look I'm just -

Tech support: sir please press the F8 key sir

Me: okay… I pressed it, now can you just check my-

Tech support: sir please what happened when you pressed F8?

Me: it's broken, now if you could just check my warranty -

Tech support: sir I'm sorry sir I think you did it wrong. Please press F8

Me: no just check my-

Tech support: sir I think you do not understand, sir it is at the top-

Yup.

Every single time I visit my family during holidays they expect one to fix their computer/smartphone/printer/whateverFuckingShittyIOT-Device... Just printed them postcards this time ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Also: Hello devRant! Just been reading here for a week and every single day was full of gold - Thanks :)

"serverless" is a stupid name. There's always a server, just not yours. It's just as dumb as people thinking "cloud" means there's no computer. There's always a computer, just not yours.

I think I'm losing my mind working in the IT Department. 😂 Sometimes the questions are UNBELIEVABLE!

Client: Hi, my computer is not working.

Me: Hi, what's wrong with it?

Client: IDK. It won't work.

Me: Alright, what do you see on your screen?

Client: Nothing!

Me: Nothing as in there are no icons on your desktop or black screen?

Client: Oh, black screen.

Me: Is your monitor on? Do you see a light on the power-on button?

Client: Yes, it's white.

Me: Ok, good. What about your computer? Is it turned on?

Client: Well, I never turn off my computer so I assume it's on. I leave it as is when I leave the office then log-in in the morning when I come in.

**At this point I realized this person doesn't even lock the computer until it locks by itself after a while.

Me: Ok please turn on your computer by pressing the power button with a thin line on it. It should turn white.

Client: Ok but as I said I don't turn it off so why should I turn it on? Did it turn off by itself?

Me: That can happen.

Client: Ok....oh wait, it working! Thank you so much. Sorry if I was a little pain. I am a little stressed out this morning.

Me: No problem. Glad it worked. Have a good day.

*Hangs up confused. I mean really confused. Smh

*Admin leaves his computer unlocked*

1. Takes a desktop screenshot and flips it and sets it as background.
2. Disables right click.
3. Hides taskbar.
4. Flips the screen.
5. Connects keyboard to another computer close by with screen off.
6. Has the time of the week.

*Hopefully, there is no revenge 😁*

IT: Hi, how can I help?
User: Hi, I can't get onto the wifi / internet, my computer says "No Signal".

IT: Hm, we don't have wifi, your on a cable, what exactly is saying no signal?
User: Its just on the screen here.

IT: No but where, are you inside a browser, or is it a popup down the bottom corner?
User: No I haven't got that far yet, it just says no signal on a black screen, then it flashes and says no signal in another position.

IT: ...... did you turn on your computer after turning on the monitor ... thats the screen saying no signal from the computer.
User: ah yep, thats it, thanks!

Meeting with client.

Me: our solution does not require a central server, any computer (windows, Mac or Linux) on which you install our software can act both as a client and a server

Client: no we need to have all our data on our server

Me: sure, you can install our software on any computer

Client: no, we need it on our server

Me: ok then, we can make the needed changes to install our software on your server, it will cost an additional fee though

Client: very good then

!rant

Seen this one intermittently for the last few years. Always gets a laugh.

A: "You write code? Can you fix my computer?"
M: "No, that's not how it works, bud"
A: "Why? It's both computer stuff."
M: *points to the greasy tire shop* "Let's go get your car painted there*
A: "Hell no"
M: "Why? It's both car stuff."

😂

An iPad Pro is totally better than a computer.

Can I code on that piece of fuck? No? Fuck off.

There's no greater waste of time than laying in bed with your significant other and waiting on them to fall asleep so you can tip toe back to your computer in order to hit a deadline.

Literally my ritual every night.

Summing up my 5 years of computer science studies - no life, no job, but at least I got this.

So we were doing Computer Network revision.

our teacher asks,' what is another method except GUI to send mail?'

I know it is using terminal.
'Terminal' I replied.
'No, it was something else'
'Console'
'No, not that'
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
'Command line?'
'Yes, that's it. That's what I m talking about'

FML!

Today is the end.
No WiFi.
No Computer.
No Netflix.
No Spotify.
For 3 fucking months.
Fucking summer.

Sitting in a dorm, chilling..

My new roommate: So You study Computer Science?

Me: *Here it goes again*

Roommate: Can you fix my HDD? Something is wrong with it..

Me: No...

Roommate: But..

Me: No I study computer SCIENCE! Go ask yout physics professor to fix your fucking trebuchet, because he knows how that stuff works..

Roommate: *Silence*

God... That was my best reply in whole life... Someone should make a shirt of that...

Overheard this guy talking to his friends about Python.

Guy: "Have you seen Python?? You basically just talk to the computer. There's no variables. You just go 'a = 2' and you can print 'a' and it'll give you 2! And there's no imports or anything!"

A conversation with our network/system admin.

Me : Can I install linux on my computer, windows is slow and terrible.

Him : No, if you use anything but Windows in this company, you will be fired for bypassing our security protocols. Its written in your contract.

Me : *boots up my Macbook*

Windows 10 once again held my computer at ransom! When it finally came around after the update, all it really seem to do is place Edge back on my task bar. No... Bad Microsoft, I don't use or want Edge.

Dev stickers are for loosers.

No for real， just received the new computer i ordered . i hear my daughter scream something from the other side of the house.

I thought she said:“is this your new computer?”

But actuaylly she said: “can i put stickers on you new computer???”

So I'm working on a computer vision project that grabs video from my webcam and detects faces in each frame. Earlier yesterday morning I was capping out at 30 frames per second, which is what I believe to be the max for my webcam. As the day became night and I was wrapping up my work on a portion of the project, I noticed that my newly compiled version was only getting around 8 frames per second. Confused, I looked into my frame grabbing + face detection code.

"Maybe I can only detect faces in a certain region of the image, based on where the face was in the previous image?" No, still 8fps. Hmm.

"How about I lower the resolution of the image, that would definitely help!" I tried that, but no speed boost came either. What??

I start to dig deeper. Maybe I'm not linking my libraries correctly, and it's using an older library I compiled. So I recompile that. Nothing.

"Am I low on resources?" I close out of all my other apps. Nothing.
Okay, wtf. Now I just comment out the face detection code entirely, and only grab webcam frames.

8fps. ?????

Suddenly, I get an idea. I get out of my desk, walk over to the doorway of my room, and flip the light on. I sit back down, and run my code.

30fps.

The stupid webcam switches to "night mode" when it detects low light, which restricts its ability to output frames at high speed and caps at 8fps. Damn, I felt like a fool 😂

So I've got a friend learning Java, using Eclipse.
I walk in one day and see him restarting his computer. I make nothing of it. Few minutes later, he's restarting again.
I jokingly say "Windows update?"
He responds with the straightest face ever: "No, compiling code."

Apparently he thought you needed to restart the computer before compiling.
Not sure if I should be mortified or laughing my ass off.

Me: you should not open that log file in excel its almost 700mb
Client: its okay, my computer has 4gb ram
Me: *looking at clients computer crashing*
Client: the file is broken!
Me: no, you just need to use a more memory efficient tool, like R, SAS, python, C#, or like anything else!

"I have always wished for my computer to be as easy to use as my telephone; my wish has come true because I can no longer figure out how to use my telephone." - Bjarne Stroustrup

A: Hey look! I have a brand new computer!
B: Oh, so you use Linux?
A: No, I use Windows.
B: Than it's not your computer.

"Dude, don’t you hate it when people say "well yes and no" like they are some kind of goddamn quantum computer or something?"

Slowbro: Do you have time tonight?
Me: No sorry, I can't stay late tonight, I have a thing with my wife.
S: Oh yeah, I'm not staying late either.
M: Oh, so what do you want?
S: Can you help me install linux?
M: Uh no, I can't stay late -
S: No, no you don't have to stay, you can do it from home.
M: What? No I don't have time tonight. Wait you want me to take your computer home?
S: No, no I need to use my computer tonight.
M: So... What do you want me to do?
S: You can do it on your computer.
M: You want me to install an OS on your computer, but on my computer??
S: No, no *sigh* just try it on your computer so we know it will work on my computer. It is a proof of principle.
M: Reinstall my OS?
S: As a proof of principle. So tomorrow when we do it on my computer, we need not waste any time.
M: ... No I'm not going to reinstall my OS just as a test for you.
S: Not a test, a proof of principle.
M: What are you.. I'm sorry, I don't have time for this tonight.
S: Just a proof of principle!!
M: Ok see you.

Relatives: What does he do as a job?
Mom: He's an informatician, he tinkers with computers
Me: No, I'm a programmer.
Relatives: Is it computer related?
Me: Yes, but..
Relative: Sounds like an informatician to me.

I'm so tempted to say that I butcher animals, but I'm afraid they'll think I'm a veterinarian.

My family: Can you repair the printer ?

Me: No ...

My family: can't send my emails, fix it !

Me: No ...

My family: why this people can share my photos on Facebook ? Stop it now !

Me: Then stop sharing all your god damn life each time you eat, fart or go to the bathroom !!!! For fucks sake !

Also me: why have I started computer science ?

One of my friend at college asked me why her computer is running slow even when she is running only chrome.

Me: how much memory does it have?
Her: 1TB.
Me (somewhat confused): no no I meant RAM.
Her: yeah yeah it's one TB. I read the specifications of the laptop.
Me: *in my mind, fucking read it again* please read it again. You must have misread it.
Her( grinning face ): alright.

Guess who didn't talk to me for a week. 😂

RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?

ME (Has a degree is Computer Science): No

"What's your major?"
"Computer Science"
"Do you fix computers and stuff?"
"No"
"So wait then do you like hack stuff?"
"Yes, all the time, every day."

I know we agreed to stop the Windows 10 rants, but this fucker just crapped itself 20-ish minutes before a live video production. Had to run to the other building and steal a computer from the folks in the studio because this one would no longer boot.

No, my family did not support me.
They complained about everything.
From how "Python was demonic" to how "Working with computer wont save you from the coming tribulation"

Growing up in a religious cult sucks.

Person: You're good with computers right?
Me: Yes.
P: My computer won't boot after I unplugged it while trying to move it, how do I fix it?
M: I don't know
P: I thought you were good with computers
M: I am. Can't troubleshoot a computer with that little of info.
P: If I bring it to you will you fix it for me?
M: No.
P: What if burritos are involved?
M: I would consider it

This. This is how conversations should go when somebody asks us to fix their computer.

You want to write a minus? No, better turn off the computer. What did you do to us, asus...

Ps: note where did the num lock gone. You have to press fn+home to get numlock enabled. But better have awesome rog key instead of numlock so you can randomly open it's software.

"There is no cloud, it's just someone else's computer." - Buddha 1947

First day on new job. Hardware guy comes to my office, says "Hi, here is your computer" (no eye contact) and leaves a pile of boxes on the floor.

A few hours later I finished building the computer from scratch lol.
Not sure if it was some kind of test or just him being weird 😂

I work in a computer repair shop. A COMPUTER repair shop. And every day, I get asked "Do you repair phone screens?" No. No, I do not. Stop asking!

Does anyone else hate the screens after you're done updating Windows 10. "Hi, we've updated your computer"

Like no shit Windows I just spent 4 hours waiting for you to finish updating and 5 restarts later.

Gotta keep that code DRY...

"It should be noted that no ethically-trained software engineer would ever consent to write a DestroyBaghdad procedure. Basic professional ethics would instead require him to write a DestroyCity procedure, to which Baghdad could be given as a parameter." -- Nathaniel S. Borenstein, computer scientist

When you almost fall asleep but then windows 10 starts your computer up for no reason. 😤 💻💥🔫 😴

6:30pm: "You programmers have no life at all. Spending the whole day infront of a computer! "
6:31pm: "Hey could you please loan me some money, I am so broke right now"
*Me singing in my head*: 🎵🎵Young, dumb and broke

I just mistyped a keyboard shortcut that caused my computer to say «I AM FILO AND EVERYONE LOVES ME» at full volume.
I have no memory of leaving a script attached to some random shortcut, and I can't find the setting anywhere.
Young me was a narcissistic asshole

My brother: “There’s no way you can remove games from my computer!”
Me: “Oh really?”
Bro: “Yes! I got password on Windows!”

He didn’t knew I had remote control setup on my PC... So I hid games on his PC

When you realise there is no cloud computing. It's just someone else's computer.

- Learn to touch type Dvorak
- Set all Qwerty keyboards to Dvorak
- Watch as no one can use your computer.

Me: Do u have antivirus Software installed That could possibly Blockade the Data for our Software.

Customer: Yes My computer is very safe i use 3 antiviruses.

Me: At the Same time?

Customer: Yes so My computer is better protected

Me: says no more

True Story just happend 10 minutes ago xD Had a good laugh with My coworkers

A Merry Christmas to everyone! Hope no one will get server down or family asking for help with computer!

*ring ring*
Me: Hello?
Unknown: We received info that your computer has a wirus
Me: and how do you know?
Unknown: We received a report
(Playing Along)
Me: Ok? How do I fix it?
Unknown: Sir, are you by your computer?
Me: Yes (No, I am at work 😇)
Unknown: Sir, do you see the ctr key?
Me: Yes (here it comes)
Unknown: Do you see the flag picture?
Me: Yes (Getting closer)
Unknown: Press both the flag key and the r key at the same time. (BINGO!!!)
Me: My computer crashed and it is saying your a scammer, so bye.

It is fun to trick scammers!

"A computer has no idea what your program is supposed to do.
Therefore, it will only do exactly what you tell it to do." -
Programming from the Ground Up
Jonathan Bartlett

The simplest and most truly sentence 👌👌

$50,000+ Computer Science fucking diploma, yet here I am on a Sunday evening doing data entry coz there is no one else to do it!

First contact with computers: draw a square using LOGO language. No idea which was the computer back then.

I have a Kali Linux VM running on my Windows machine. I decide to try and exploit the Windows machine (THAT THE VM WAS RUNNING ON) because of a vulnerability with smb that requires NO user interaction. I decided to make my computer shoot its own legs and I thought "Hey, this is gonna be fine."

Aaaaand the whole system crashed on me.

So my in-laws got a new computer 😑
Yup you know where this is going. Ok so after I transferred all of their data set them all up etc.
They wanted to use "word" and could I set it up for free for them. I said no Microsoft office is not free you lost your license and disk and your old computer is trashed so the better choice would be Google services . So I explained the value of using Google drive, docs,sheets etc.. today and told them how much better it is everything would be on their Google drive so if I got hit by a bus they could get a new computer again and still have access to their data etc... So they said great and so I did.

Two weeks later... Can you set up word for us on our computer. Me annoyed at this point " sure no problem"

I made a shortcut on their desktop to Google docs. Them: oh boy this is great see John all you have to do is click on google docs to go to word! Thanks so much!

🤫🤓

My girlfriend has no idea what I do at work, but apparently she thinks I'm the best "computer guy" ever when I can plug in a Chromecast to her TV

I've just realised the dual monitor computer option (for Dev Avatar) has no computer, it's just two monitors.

I don't think that's right (episode 2)

No screenshot because work computer.

I feel like at some point it'll become more shit than it's ever been. Partially due to the fact that it seems like EVERY school is trying to get the students into computer science at this point.

NOT EVERYBODY BELONGS IN COMPUTER SCIENCE. PLAIN AND SIMPLE. IT'S NOT FOR EVERYONE.

I feel like some kids that are being forced to do computer science will basically be like "huh there's money in this, maybe I could do this" but they're completely shit at it, when they would have been MUCH better off doing something else.

Side rant, somewhat related actually:

I had a teacher last semester that has to teach one of the computer science classes starting this year (I was not taking her computer science class, it was an unrelated class). From what I've seen, she does not seem fit to teach the class at all.

She's supposed to be teaching some simple programming (no clue what languages, I didn't bother to take the comp sci class). And she knows that I know the stuff, so she would ask me about the simplest things. Which is 100% fine...if she wasn't teaching a computer science class.

She just does not seem fit to teach a computer science class. I'm sure that the school basically just threw her in there because they needed SOMEONE.

I'm honestly kinda scared for the students in the class that might want to go further into computer science, only having taken that class and having met the requirement for a more advanced class, but then being thrown into a class where they don't know a fucking thing.

I'm going to a friend's house because his computer won't boot. In case I don't return, please clear my git stash. No one needs to see that kind of crap.

THEM: "I got a chrome thing that says, 'Don't turn off your computer. Someone is trying to hack into your computer.' ...and it had some lady's voice saying, 'Error. Someone is hacking into your computer.' Should I click anything?"
ME: "No. I'll be right there...what did you click?"
THEM: "It was some Facebook quiz about 'Which Disney movie are you?'"
ME:

Mom: why haven't you been doing your computer science homework at home ?
Me : because you won't let me have a computer and I can't run the software I need on my school iPad
Mom: bull shit you can run it that iPad can do anything that you can do on a computer
Me : no you can't that's not even...*mom cuts me off*
Mom : don't talk back to me you just don't wanna do your homework
Mom: all computers are the same they just have different names
Me : that's not even true in the slightest... *gets cut off again*
Mom: shut up and do your damn homework
Me: 😐

wE oNlY uSe 10% oF bRaIn pOwEr
yeah, no shit, now go to your computer and launch 400 chrome tabs. Congrats, now you're using 100% of your computer performance. Does it work well now? Quick and snappy innit?

fucking muppets.

No no.. my computer.. not yours...

!rant
Storytime!

I'm on the phone with an elderly customer.

Customer: Yes, I just got my computer back and now it's not talking to my monitor.

Me: Okay, and the monitor cable is plugged in?

Customer: Yes.

Me: Okay, I think I remember that you had a graphics card. Do you have a horizontal blue port?

Customer: No.

Me: Okay. So let's look near the middle of your computer. Do you see a blue port?

Customer: I don't know. I know the blue monitor cable is plugged in, but I don't know what color it is.

Me: Alright, let's unplug the cable for a second.

Customer: Okay, done.

Me: Now let's look for those two blue ports...

Customer: I only see one.

Me: And it's near the middle of the computer?

Customer: Yes.

Me: Okay, let's plug the monitor in.

Customer: Okay, done.

Me: Now does the monitor come up with anything?

Customer: Let me get to where I can see it... No, there's nothing.

Me: Even if you wiggle the mouse a little?

Customer: What?

Me: Does the computer talk to the monitor if you move the mouse a little?

Customer: How do I do that?

Me: ...You take the mouse... and move it from side to side

Customer: Oh! I understand. Um, no. Nothing.

Me: Okay, well let's bring the computer in. I think I know what the problem is, I just need to put a piece of tape somewhere.

Customer: Oh, okay. Fine.

So, as a programmer, I'm basically the go-to tech support guy for my family (and now my gf's family).

So, my gf's mum updated windows and her computer stopped playing around through headphones, asks me for help.

I've got no fucking idea, I don't even use windows.

She's like "if your computer did this what would you do".

"I'd google the problem and randomly try solutions until it started working again. And hope I didnt break anything else."

She didn't seem happy with my debugging technique...

Teacher who has no clue how to even turn on a computer asked me to connect a JBL Go Bluetooth speaker to a notebook. 1st attempt: Driver error; 2nd attenpt: BSOD 😶 Lenovo notebook with Win 8.1 + bluetooth speaker = BSOD... Ok...

Made a bunch of bad decisions.
This one is the absolute worst.
Studying biology as a main subject intstead of computer science in high school.
Indian people in here would know, studying PCMB is no less than being a dare devil. 🤣
Why did I do that ?
I didn't want to get into medicine.
I just wanted to study it for fun.

And thought, I'll be able to study all of computer science in college 😶.
Its totally useless now.
How much of biology do I remember now ?
Not much.
Studying CS would have been much more beneficial for me.

No grandpa, I don't scam people online. I am a web developer - I earn my living online, building web apps, plugins, etc. (and stuff that you won't really grasp). And again, stop telling people that I'm lazy - I don't watch movies on my computer from 8AM-5PM. Lovely grandma, please don't believe him.

Ten Immutable Laws Of Security

Law #1: If a bad guy can persuade you to run his program on your computer, it's not solely your computer anymore.
Law #2: If a bad guy can alter the operating system on your computer, it's not your computer anymore.
Law #3: If a bad guy has unrestricted physical access to your computer, it's not your computer anymore.
Law #4: If you allow a bad guy to run active content in your website, it's not your website any more.
Law #5: Weak passwords trump strong security.
Law #6: A computer is only as secure as the administrator is trustworthy.
Law #7: Encrypted data is only as secure as its decryption key.
Law #8: An out-of-date antimalware scanner is only marginally better than no scanner at all.
Law #9: Absolute anonymity isn't practically achievable, online or offline.
Law #10: Technology is not a panacea.

Computer: Please check your authenticator app to login

Phone: Please fill in the code you see on the screen

Computer: * No code *

Me: * presses the "I can't see the code" button *

Phone: Prompt goes away, 3 seconds later it asks for thr code again

Computer: No changes

I love Microsoft at my job

when you type faster than computer response:
------------------------
Ubuntu 16.04.5 LTS server tty1

server login: sysadmin
adminPassword:

Login incorrect
server login: sysadmin
Password:

sysadmin@server:~$ _
------------------------
"FUCKING SHIT !"
*sees if there are anyone in the back*
*saw no one*
"fiuuh... what a relief"

sysadmin@server:~$ clear

*Turns on computer*

Hmmm, must be getting that time to do a full format... Wait, my HDD is being a bit weird...

*Runs disk optimise*

- No problems detected, disk %67 fragmented

Ah huh... That would explain a lot, but how the fuck did this happen so quickly 0.o

I want to connect to the servers,
but computer says: "nooooooooo"

IF (no error ) {
Food is delicious;
Weather is nice;
Friends are kind;
Home is comfortable;
Computer is fast;
Return ( continue life );
Else {
Food is disagreeable to the taste;
Weather is stormy;
Friends are zombie;
Home is hell;
Computer is slow;
Return (stop life);
}
}

When I was 20, I coded for 24 hours straight, even ate at the computer, as a dare to finish all the tasks in one go. I was successful.
Now I'm 25 and I have no time for such stuff. Kinda miss that

Yes I am a computer science major; No I'm not volunteering to be your IT guy.

Things I learnt by attending meetings from home:

* Wear pants even if no one can see them
* After meeting is done, turn off your computer to ensure it has ended.
* Mute and screen share is not reliable
* Tell your family members that you will have a meeting so they do not do anything weird.

Suddenly some some strange noice from the kitchen... Hmm my wife's laptop sounds like it plays some TV series but no one is logged in.

Conclusion: windows update restarted her computer while it was paused on Netflix, after reboot chrome opens to latest url where it autoplays trailers.

Conundrum resolved.

My second computer was a large tower (486DX). When my Mom saw it first time under my desk she asked me: "Is that a mini fridge under your desk?" Me: "No Ma. Its actually a "smart" heater..."

I've always liked the idea of a virus that attacks other viruses. An antivirus virus, if you will. It would infect a computer and clean out all the malware and perform a bunch of random system improvements, then delete itself without a trace. To the end user, one day their computer would suddenly start running a little better for no apparent reason.

School computer logic...

Rant against useless metrics:

No, your bootup time is not from when you hit the power button, until the moment the login screen shows up.

It's from when you hit the power button, until the moment when you can actually use your computer, e.g. the web browser or IDE is running and responding to input.

Me: I want to be a dev..
Mom: But you only sit in front of the computer to play games.
Me: That's not what I always do.
Mom: Then why are you sitting behind the computer all the time.
Me: To make software. Most of the time you clearly see me typing code.
Mom: No, I can't trust you, you play too much games. Study hard and get another job.
Me: *Middle finger behind a back.*

Wtf windows I leave my computer for 30 fucking minutes and you just initiate an update. No confirmation box that I want to shut down my entire computer for an hour. Fuck you windows

I just want a goddamn option to “Never trust this computer. Never trust *any* computer” when I plug in my phone to charge.

Also, only got an hour of sleep. No idea why.

But woke up to find an emergency alert that we’re in flash flood territory, so that’s exciting.

Teacher requests help with projector. I go to the classroom.

Me: What seems to be the problem?
Teacher: Yes, I just can’t get this projector to show image from the computer! I’ve hit every single button on the remote!
Me: .. The computer isn’t on?
Teacher: Huh?
Me: There is no power on the computer? Have you turned it on?
Teacher: .. What?

I thought maybe she had accidentally shutdown the PC, but no. She had just walked to the classroom and just turned on the projector.. Didn’t even touch the computer..

Heard the students snickering when I left the classroom.

Who remembers time when you actually had to press power button in order to turn your computer off?

Seen some YouTube video the other day with kids nowadays told to work on an old computer with I think win95 and no one figured out what the cryptic "You can now turn your computer off" meant :-)

Late one night I realize that Visual Studio has an update available.

> Might as well. Maybe they finally implemented that auto bug-fixer.

I download the update and it warns me that I must restart my computer. Fair enough, I was just about to shut down my computer anyways.

I turn off my computer for the night.

Boot up the next day, try to open Visual Studio.

It says to me: "No, I mean, you gotta RESTART. Not just re-start, or whatever shit you just did."

Ok. Restarted the machine.

Always back up your data.

I came to my computer earlier today to find it on my Linux login screen. This could only mean one thing: something went horribly wrong.

Let me explain.

I have my BIOS set up to boot into Windows automatically. The exception is a reboot or something horrible happens and the computer crashes. Then, it boots me into Linux. Due to a hardware issue I never looked into, I have to be present to push F1 to allow the computer to start. The fact that it rebooted successfully, without me present, into *Linux*, could only mean one thing:

My primary hard drive died and was no longer bootable.

The warning was the BIOS telling me the drive was likely to fail ("Device Error" doesn't really tell me anything to be fair).

The massive wave of panic hit me.

I rebooted in hopes of reviving the drive. No dice.

I rebooted again. The drive appeared.

Let's see how much data I can recover from it before I can no longer mount it. Hopefully, I can come out of this relatively unscathed.

The drive in question is a 10 year old 1.5 TB Seagate drive that came with the computer. It served me well.

Press F to pay respects I guess.

On the bright side, I'll be getting an SSD as a replacement (probably a Samsung EVO).

Physics class, groupwork

Me: *Writing a protocol in Markdown and LaTeX*
Partner: Are you currently using Excel?
Me: "No"
Partner: *yells* We need a new computer!

SOOOO FUCKING FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING FRUSTRATED WITH PYTHON IMPORTS.

I WANT TO SMASH MY FUCKING SHITTY ASS LAPTOP AND GO BECOME AND FUCKING OUTDOOR INSTRUCTOR OR SOME SHIT BECAUSE IM SO FED UP OF THIS COMPUTER NO WORKY SHIT.

FUCK.

I do apologise for the caps there.

New guy started today. Nobody knew this. CPO forgot. There was no computer available. He was sent home after an hour of waiting in reception.

Anyone else suffer from this.

Have a brilliant idea, start computer, open you IDE, write a few lines of code as proof of concept and then just loose interests coz it's no longer a challenge !

opened up my laptop at the car dealership where I am chilling at rn while I wait on my car's service to be done.

I open my laptop and start working on some small fix that I had forgotten about for work.

OMG guess what? no one is looking at me doing shit in the computer because in reality no one gives a flying fuck like most of you attention whores wanna make it sound like.

No one thinks you are hacking because you opened up a terminal in public.

Bola de jotos ridiculos.

Fucking fuck fuckity keyboard autocorrect on windows (and on osx): NO FUCKING THANK YOU, FUCK OFF, STOP FUCKING AROUND WHILE I WRITE

I turned off fucking autocorrection on windows 10, I write an email in french, and every word that has a similar spelling in english gets autocorrected FUCK YOU OUTLOOK, FUCKING RESPECT MY FUCKING SETTINGS, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF CODED SHIT PILE OF SHITWARE

So much time lost correcting and recorrecting.

Oh, also: a phone is a fucking phone, a computer is a fucking computer, not the same device, not the same behaviours, fucking get that you fucking companies

Can I code in Java after “Introduction to Computer Science”?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No
[x] Using IntelliJ

-Active hours set
-Update regularly
-No programs that interfere with the normal update process

5:30pm (INSIDE SET ACTIVE HOURS) my computer reboots IN THE MIDDLE OF ME USING IT with NO WARNING OR PROMPT

Windows you dork

After 3 years finally taking an actual holiday... I don't have my computer with me, no access to work, no WiFi... Just my beautiful family, the beach and a beautiful resort to explore.

Interviewer: "Is studying computer science the best way to prepare to be a programmer?"

Bill Gates: "No, the best way to prepare is to write programs, and to study great programs that other people have written. In my case, I went to the garbage cans at the Computer Science Center and I fished out listings of their operating system."

My coworker asked where his toolbar was.
I said I removed it for him because... you all probably know why
He literally slapped me and yelled at me.
I know going onto his computer was wrong but Jesus Christ no need to fucking slap me

I generally don't whine about Windows...

So, I shut my computer down last night, I thought. But no. A rare OneDrive prompt prevented the shutdown. I don't use OneDrive. I've even tried to remove it, but it just keeps popping up.

Other programs stopped just fine though, such as my firewall.

Clients that barely can turn on their computer that have opinions on how much complexity and time is involved developing X feature. I'm no rage-o-holic, but that is one of those rare things that make me want to stab someone in the face.

So my grandma just called me saying that there is something wrong with the computer and the UPS is making a weird noise. When I went to find out what's going on, the UPS was beeping constantly and the computer was in the middle of a startup repair. Obviously there is no way to cancel the repair, and unplugging the UPS would probably do more harm to the computer. So we had to listen to that constant, loud, high-pitch noise while waiting for the startup repair to complete. And mind you, I'm talking about a very old and slow computer with windows 7 on it. After the repair was done, I quickly turned off the computer so I can reset the UPS and save my eardrums from burning in hell.

The worst thing is that I've downloaded the documentation of the UPS, and there was no mention of what a constant beeping means, it only described the meanings of normal beeping patterns (battery low, etc...).

My eyes are still ringing and my ears are still blurry from 20 minutes of that noise.

A guy came to me with a laptop that wouldn't boot. After some poking around, I opened the machine just to find everything submerged in coffee. No sh*t your computer doesn't work..

User: "My computer is broken!"
Me: "What seems to be the problem?"
User: "I can't go to any websites."
Me: "It appears our connection to the internet is down."
User: "No it's not, look" *points to Wi-Fi status*
Me:

In `Computer Fundamental` class

friend: What 1 + 1 equal to?
me: two.
friend: ...no, it's equal to ten.
me: oh fuck!

Senior[0]: emacs is the best text editor
Senior[1]: yeah, right. It literally stands for Emacs Makes A Computer Slow.
ME: GNU loves recursive acronyms, don't they?
Senior[0]: lol
Senior[1]: lol
ME: what?
Senior[0]: he obviously made it up
Senior[0]: no, I didn't. Use vim ffs.

Tried to figure out why my computer was being slow and lagging earlier. Thought it may have been a bad update to the kernel I recently did, or an update to a package.

No, it was chrome and its horrible memory usage.

I had a USB WiFi dongle installed and working great. Then someone pulled it out of my computer, without talking to me, so they could use it. I found another in the office...exact same model...plug it in. Drivers don't work. Can't update them. Reinstallation crashes. Try to restart computer, it crashes. Restart computer and now Outlook won't even open. No idea what to do now, but this is going on an hour and counting of no productivity.

WTF Windows? You can't even handle a WiFi dongle right?

Your no-dev friend while you use terminal in his computer:

No one ever tells you that once you start doing facial recognition that your computer gets filled with tons images of your colleagues.

Looks a bit suspicious.

!rant

This morning, I thought I'd give devRantron a try, and man, I'm not disappointed.
Since I'm always at my computer, I rarely check my phone and now that we have a proper desktop client, I can finally shitpost while sitting at my desk. :v
No seriously though, this app is awesome.

Props to Tahnik and the other guys who worked on it.

Dev friend: Happy in your job?
- Me: Kinda, don't see myself doing it for another 35 years tho.. :(
Dev friend: Go back to school, learn computer sciences and get a dev job. You'll love it.

So now I'm back in school, no regrets whatsoever. Without a doubt best advice.. :)

When you learn something interesting and you have no computer people to share it with.

I was 7 and the night before Christmas my grandparents asked my mother if she could give me a computer for Christmas, my mom said no. I woke up Christmas morning to a computer sitting on my dining table :p. My mom was pissed

Padlocked the router... no idea where the physical key was supposed to go to gain access to the network though cause I couldnt find a keyhole in my computer

Set up a 2GB upload to run and a 6GB folder to compress while I went to do an errand. Came back to find computer had rebooted itself while I was out. No reason for it in event logs. Just a random reboot for giggles, I guess. File upload aborted with no resume and I’m unsure if the full folder compressed. Have to start over.

I can't get any work done at work... The potatoe they gave me for a laptop is 5 years old, Every day I was approx 2 hours (no joke) for it to power up, open up my visual studio solutions, connect to the VPN, and open my browsers.

Then my fucking shit computer loses connectivity with one of my 2 monitors every 15 min so I need close the lid, reopen it again so it "picks up the monitor" then wait another 5 min for my windows to respond.

Agh!!!!!

It's frustrating too cuz my boss ordered me a new computer 2 months ago. But cuz I work for corporate bozos it took them 2 months just to process/place the order for a new computer. So now I have to wait even longer just to have a functioning computer.

me: alright let me print this now.

*goes downstairs*

printer: *on the display* ... Printing ...
printer: *on the display* ... Printing ...
printer: *on the display* ... Printing ...

*no paper to be seen*

me: why isn't this working?

*checks computer upstairs.*

computer: *popup* We have an update scheduled for 17:40, we can install it then or, if you like, now.

me: oh, ok.

I have no idea how the fuck it happens, but whenever my mom uses computer, somehow, she manages to end up with the stupid shit Ask and other useless shitty extensions taking over Google Chrome!

:/

Me yesterday evening:

"Fuck java, fuck JVM, fuck everything about it, shit doesn't work for some reason, no runtime errors, no compiler errors, no syntax errors, nothing, *turns off computer*".

Me today morning(coffee = false), after comparing the documented example code provided by the API with one someone else made, I've noticed that the one provided by the API was messed up and couldn't work.

"Lemme change that one value in the properties...okay here we go"
Shit works out perfectly.

FUCK FALSELY DOCUMENTED CODE

FUCK DOCUMENTATIONS IN GENERAL

computer wont turn on, no video...

Coding along, frustrated already, need to restart computer to test something.

Of course im running on Windows and then I realize I have no restart opinion, the only one that exists is "update and restart"

*sigh*

know what is worst than fucking clients from hell?

fucking websites that need a mortherfucking good spec computer to run. i cannot even type properly. thought my keyboard had problem. no. I can fucking type fucking quick and well here now with no hiccup. i wish i can burn those all down.

no wonder we love devrant. even the website is fast and good.

!rant

Coworker: I've been working on this computer for an entire day now and it's still having issues

Boss: Well, we can give the client an option to get another SSD and clone to it before reinstalling the OS.

Coworker: But he doens't have an SSD...

Boss: Yes he does

Coworker: *opens computer* let's see, two 1TB hard drives... but no SSD... Oh, there it is. It's hidden. But it's booting too slow to be....

*epiphany*

Coworker: Oh my god. I've been telling the computer to boot to the wrong hard drive. That explains everything!

"The computer programmer is a creator of universes for which he alone is the lawgiver. No playwright, no stage director, no emperor, however powerful, has ever exercised such absolute authority to arrange a stage or field of battle and to command such unswervingly dutiful actors or troops."
-- Joseph Weizenbaum

Saw new issue on jira. When look, they are like my computer is slow or I cannot any buttons in Excel.

For fuck sake, don't send stupid tickets, we already got stupid projects the company took from the others without consulting to the IT team.

There are about 600 tickets every month and most of them are issue because of their stupidity not the software (they never read the error message). And no we are not IT support, go ask those ppl for your computer issue.

I'm usually very careful with *everything* except today, I spilled half my water bottle on my personal laptop which I was using for interview prepping and while I had no plans to buy a new computer for the time being (not by choice lol). Here's a photo of my 5 year old boy.

*feels sad.
*steps outside for a while in search of someone who would maybe understand him.
*finds no one.
*returns to his computer and music and feels extreme happiness again.

I don’t remember the first experience as I was a very small child, but I remember a very defining one: picture a 4yo just casually turning on the computer and playing a game.
My mother and sister find me out and panic because “oh no, turning it off it’s hard how will we do? Your father is working and can’t turn it off!”

Now picture the 4 yo saying “it’s easy, you just do this”, followed by him closing the game, launching the bash command to close the computer and going away.

I must have been so creepy in their eyes 😂

First exposure to computer?

Back in 2005, I think. Windows PC, I think. The rest is very blur.

All I can remember is it was white and monitor was big like a television. First ever computer of our family. No internet. No game except solatire and craps. Mainly just used it for porn-purpose. Did some programming assignments. Did some poems writing and then printed them out with all-in-1 printer and tried to sell the booklet to girls in public. (Obviously sold zero).

Quiet working environment (aside from hearing a joke from time to time)

Fast computer, lots of screens, keyboard and mouse of my choice

Good product owner that doesn't accept bullshit request into the sprint

No legacy crap

Person: "Can you speed up my computer? Don't delete anything though."
Me: "Your hard drive is at 99%... you need to get rid of some stuff."
Person: "Can't you do it with out deleting anything?"
Me: "We can move it to a cloud service..."
Person :"No, that won't work. How will get my stuff back?"
Me: "Nvm..."

!dev

TL;DR: Computer rooms closed? Ok. Music rooms closed? Fuck!

I understand why the computer rooms are locked up in breaks and not accessible for every student anytime. But..

Why on earth are the music rooms closed as well?!

It wasn't always like that. But stupidass teacher Mr Fucker decided that he wants the music rooms (plural) for himself in breaks. That means they are both empty 90% of the time after 13:00 Uhr and in breaks. Closed. While I could play piano in my free time where I have to stay in school anyways. But no.

Fuck you, Mr Fucker.

When the company my mother worked for was arranging computer courses and could not leave the computers in the borrowed classrooms.

They brought them home and I got to play with them :)

Sinclair ZX80 with 512 bytes of RAM (no hard drive, diskette or CD).

This was 38 years ago ;)

Computer Says No

There is no cloud , it's just someone's else computer .

yeah I am a software engineer.
yea I am a programmer too.
yeah I am behind my laptop all the time..

but no I don't want to fix your computer.
I have no interest in changing your windows, installing antivirus on your pc and so on..

just understand it , God damn these shit people :(

No x-server, wayland. just drm and framebuffer. use computer just fine in this env. I can watch youtube and video. play music, play twitter, read rss, edit my program, surf a web, connect with other computer, view my image, read pdf with this freaking lightweight env.
Basicly, my super battery saver mode.
(want me to list all of these cli/tui app?)

Planned on installing Linux, for the first time, on a old computer today. Turns out you need a usb-stick to install it from. Minimum 2gb. - No problem, I thought, because I have a old stick in a drawer. Turns out it was on 128mb. Outdated technology. Time to go shopping.

Funny how everything that seems like an almost general truth about the computer users is conditioned only but the phrase "..excepting Linux users" 🤔

No one randomly recommands operating systems ... excepting Linux users!

No one needs to know how to do <complicated hilly-billy technology> in order to use <generic simple software>!

It seems that we (the Linux users) are all rebels without a cause😅

Wireless printers are evil...

Mom's computer: Page with useless print on, then blank pages, then nothing.
My computer: Nothing
E-mail to printer: Printer says there's no paper. Wrong format?
Print from phone using wifi-direct (after realizing the automatic mode for this does NOTHING): Manual mode gives me confirmation box for connection on printer at least... "connecting..." one minute later connection times out.

Somehow using a wireless printer just never comes without some pain. And always when I have other stuff I should be doing...

So I'm working our remote build/testing server, and all of a sudden my computer just turns off. No crash message, no error, just turned off. My co-worker tries to help troubleshoot the problem.

Nothing.

I take the computer downstairs to the hardware department. They plug it in and it starts no problems.

After it finishes updating, I take it back upstairs and plug it back in.

Nothing.

I suggest that it is the power cable, and my co-worker looks under his desk. Turns out he had kicked the switch on the surge protector. 😑

When I am on Computer. I like the room to be dark minimum to no sunlight's and cool. That's why I hate my work environment. The room is so fucken bright. Damn those eye strain.

I forgot my computer on the wrong side of my hour commute.
*heavy sigh*

Just got asked to fix a friend of my mom’s (whom I have met all of once) brother’s computer. 😒

It’s a stereotype and it’s so frigging true.

Thank goodness I'm not a .NET developer. There's no need to install that huuuuuuge Visual Studio tumor bajesus on my computer.

I took a computer apart despite my mom and dad telling me no and that I'd electrocute myself. After I took it apart cleaned it up and put it back together, it was at this point I knew I had the control over these things.

"You're always on the computer".
No, but I am continually trying to spend *some* time on personal projects before being interrupted 10 minutes in, to be forcibly given a list of jobs that are on *your* agenda. There is a difference.

Hello there devranters, long time no see
I have a question for all the computer scientists and students out there. Do you have book recommendations especially for the maths part? I'm in the process of buying some books, they're very expensive but if I'm going to buy they might as well be useful books.

If you want a self stem boost talk to some non programmers sometime. They seems to see us as gods with some mystical magical powers!!

Talked with a broker today and he told me about a damaged computer that he had with some important files. I told him that I'm not that kind of computer guy and proceeded to explain him briefly what I do (I build stuff) and he was like "oh, so you a the the REAL computer guy!" (no offense to any technicians here!)
I loved it!

So, get out and talk to the muggles and stop complaining that you are not good enough to work for Google (or Google is not good enough for you anymore anyways...)

Chemists recently "compiled" a programming language into chemicals! I'll admit that I have no clue how it works, but they were able to get a mathematical function working without any electronics. The article I read doesn't describe the speed of the reaction, so I'm not sure if it's really useful as a replacement for computer operations.

The bad luck has raped me. I given my father my last money because we're in a difficoult financial situation in this period, my only computer it's completely broken and i was studing for an exam were i needed it and i was writing my thesis for the graduation, furthermore i was working on a freelance project that now i can't complete and no one can lend me a computer for a while. What can go wrong any worse? Cosa può andare storto peggio di così? Damn.

Just got this popup again, and it always comes right in the middle of me doing something. And of course there's no "remind me in an hour" - if you select "Try in an hour" it usually just automatically installs and restarts your computer in an hour, instead of asking you again.

Apply a Fortran code patch on a Gould SEL via a Mod 40 TTY terminal, which is essentially an electric typewriter connected to the computer. No graphics display. Once you hit enter on a line, that was it. If you fat-fingered something, you got to start over. We've come a long way, Baby!

* at DrupalCamp *
"Now, you can use our all-in-one .exe to install Apache and MySQL on your computer"
ME: but why would someone do that?
"In order to use the LAMP architecture"
ME: But there's no Linux!
"It doesn't matter, Apache runs on windows just fine"
ME: Feels kinda like using Express on Python

"There is no cloud, it's just someone else's computer"

I don't understand this statement. Could someone please explain.

I hate android studio. No wait i love it. No i hate it. Can't seem to make up my mind about it. Its slow, kills my computers performance, messy interface. But despite that it's something appealing about it. Everything seems to be avaliable for previewing as one work.. aaand then it breaks my computer and I hate it again..

Hi devRant, meet the unresettable computer. When you try to reset it, it asks you for a keyboard layout...BUT YOU HAVE NO INPUT DEVICE TO ANSWER! Fucking great...

*Me on the phone with a client*

Me: Alright, is your computer connected to wifi? If not, you will need to get it connected to your wifi.

Client: Is that Chrome?

Me: No...

Works in production?

Yes: Copy changes to dev and test.
No: Start humming and walk away from the computer.

I cant believe its impossible to find a dev job even with a computer science degree. What have I wasted 6 years of my life for then if no one values a degree? Fuck you

You know what the best invention is for devs?
It's not JS, not C++, no IDEs, not VIM, not VSCode, not Linux, not Apple, not a computer (🤔).

It's coffee :) hmmmm....

Work gave me a linux computer and asks to integrate an application that has no Linux support and wonder why it is going slower. The linux computer also has not enough RAM to develop comfortable on a VM

*sigh*

My colleague went to the kitchen and left his screen unlocked :p
So....
I took a screenshot on his computer opened the image put it in full screen and waited for him to get back. I was laughing my ass off when he hit the reset button... no worries he had already pushed :p

My lecturer gave us a piece of very buggy software with no API which we use to model computer networks. It literally says in the assignment specification "Your program must run for at least 60 seconds before crashing."

These people are setting us up for failure.

We were forced to work from home since our region is under "Enhanced Community Quarantine". I brought my work computer at home so I don't need to set up shit on my personal computer. After 2 days, I lost my internet connection and I can't contact my fucking ISP, their office is closed and their customer service doesn't exist. I am now under No Work No Pay policy. Fucking what the fuck.

had to cancel my presentation to a client today

apple is taking their sweet time to review my app.. im on week 2 right now...

No new computer for me yet this week...

At the car workshop, the mechanics are trying to print some pdf from the net. It looks like the job is sent to the printer, but nothing comes out. Restart the printer: no luck. Restart the computer: no cookie. Open the pdf in chrome instead of IE: yep.

In freelance world,

Some Computer Science degree holder (from client company) explain how good are they in Software development.

But when as soon as my team and I (after got criticized by this guy for the fact that my team and I don't have a degree in computer science) review their code, the code is a bunch of spaghetti! No proper Architecture, no documentation, and everything in one class?

Damn...

I knew I wanted to be a device in college when I found out about it and it all made sense. I loved computers, video games and programming seemed like a no brainer. Now I'm happily developing and graduated with a computer science degree.

when you are the one that knows about networks and computer and no one else knows about and it's my fault that it doesn't work and the ISP has a full log of everything that has been done. how about no they don't because it's just router changes not anything that we browsed to on the internet. why don't you go back and do what you do and I do what I do?

When leaving my computer logged in, for a few minutes, I always run "cmatrix" in fullscreen ... no one dares to touch it.

“The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.” (Edsger W. Dijkstra)

Ive been thinking for a few now that if like to begin a social program to get old people to play computer games.

They are often bored as fuck， cant move much and have no mental challenges.

I mean what else than video games could save the day?

Old homes with puzzles and missing pieces. Dementia neighbours. Ots a no brainer!

I don't generally agree with the death sentence, but maaaybe it should be allowed specifically for the person who created the current iteration of Windows Update. Just got woken up by a video playing on my computer, which happened because Windows fucking Update thought it was a good time to reboot for no reason.

Buying a thunder purple 1+6T on Thursday... It will have more memory and more storage than my daily use computer (a Chromebook). Going to install UserLAnd, get a folding Bluetooth keyboard and a stand.

Laptop replacement. No, seriously.

which one is better?

sitting on a comfortable chair with foot rest,
having very powerful computer,
having the best IDE's with UI designers,
ML based auto completions,
Free food. but $4000 per month

or

sitting on an average chair without foot rest,
having average computer,
having only notepad or vim*, without UI designers
NO auto completions!
paid food. but $40000 per month

* Vim is actually very nice text editor

A: Is it raining today?
B: ... Is it raining today?
C: There's no rain in the forecast.
B: There's no rain in the forecast.
A: ...

Which voice is a computer?

I'm not usually a believer in anything paranormal, and I know there's no rational basis for this, but I reckon threatening to beat the computer with a shovel genuinely seems to work quite a lot of the time.