1. Customer wants X.
2. Developer delivers X.
3. Customer wants developer to change X to Y for free.
4. Developer demands money.
5. Customer gets mad.
6. Developer compares situation to ordering a hamburger, consuming it, and demanding a pizza for free because customer didn't like the hamburger.
7. Customer pays

At the ending part of the interview, I asked a final question to the HR.

Me: "So, what language is mostly used here?"

HR: "Since we're dealing with customers from different countries, English."

A customer just suggested that we use HTML for our web application...

Don't you just love it when customers give you coding advice 😝

Never let customers define the priority levels. It will end in:
- Normal (never used)
- High (used for small text changes)
- Higher
- OMG fix now
- Highest
- the World is ending if this doesn't get fixed now
- different existential plane of priority
- Priority ∞ + 1

When you say "almost 2" instead of 1.7 because you're not sure your customers understand the decimal system.

> Customer calls
Her: I have over 5k 404 request to [insertwebsite]/autodiscover/autodiscover.xml
Me: Sound like a missconfigured exchangeserver/client. Let me have a look.
> Takes a look and can confirm the IP and the owner of that IP
Me: It looks like someone/something from xxx.xxx.xxx.xxx is failing to resolve autodiscover.[insertdomain].com
and defaults to @ record on the zone. Do you happend to know to whom that IP belongs?
Her: No, and I dont care, just block it. I do not like the 404 that shows up on the summary.
Me: Alright
> Blocks the IP in the firewall.

>>> Fast forward to next day >>>

> Someone calls, it is the same girl
Her: I cant reach my website! Infact, I cant reach anything! WHYYYYYY!!!
> I remember, blocking that IP yesterday...
Me: Oh, can you please visist "minip.se" (whatismyip.com, swedish version) and tell me what you see?
Her: Yes, it is xxx.xxx.xxx.xxx
Me: Do you remember that IP that you request that I block yesterday?
> I can hear the shame coming from the phone.
> Turn out that her collegues did'nt have any mail delivered to them from the time I blocked their IP
> Her boss is really mad
> Atleast she had a cute voice

A message to every customers

Customers who start to talk to me over the phone like I'm a little boy can seriously go fuck themselves.

You expect me to talk to you respectfully, then do the fucking same.

Fucking cunts.

"Why was the promotion available on multiple accounts ? "
*suddenly realised there's an ID duplication among customers*
"Uhhh..... Family shares promotions."
"Nice job."

We all know and love this type of customers

Vacation for two weeks, fuck yeah, two weeks of not having to give a single fuck about customers and their problems.

🍺🍿

"There are no stupid questions", they say. Apparently they haven't met my customers.

Brace yourselves, for it begins.
Awaiting furious customers in 3..2..

How can I help you?
"my email isn't working"
What web browser do you use?
"Yahoo"
Err, okay, what's your email address and password?
"I don't have a password."

I was hired as Project Manager.

After few days, I discovered that:
- I didn't have a team
- I was also the main and only developer
- all the projects I was assigned to were late
- I was also the account manager and I had to explain the delay to the customers.

And no, the salary didn't make up for the daily loss of reputation.

I lasted more than I thought, when I discovered that customers were not interested in delivery either, as it was a kind of money laundering scheme

100% my customers.

Wow this one deserves a rant. Where should I even begin? I got a new job for over half a year now doing work in an agency. We're building websites and online shops with Typo3 and Shopware (not my dream, but hey). All fine you might think BUT...

1) I have been working on the BIGGEST project we have all by myself since I started working at this company. No help, nobody cares.

2) If something goes wrong all the shit falls back to me like "wHy DiDnT yoU WoRk MoRE?". Seriously? How should one dev cover a project that's meant for at least two or three.

3) The project was planned four years ago (YES that's a big fat FOUR) and sat there for 3,5 years - nobody gave a fuck. I got into the company and immediately got the sucky shit project to work on.

4) I was promised some time to get familiar with the projects and tech we use and "pick something I like most to get started". Well that never happened.

5) I was also promised not to talk directly to our customers. Well, each week I was bombarded with insults, a shitload of work and nonsense by our customers because (you guessed it) I was obligated to attend meetings.

6) The scheduled time for a meeting was 30 minutes, sometimes they just went on for over two hours. Fml.

7) Project management. It does not exist. The company is just out to get more and more clients, hires more god damn managers and shit and completely neglects that we might need more devs to get all this crap finished. Nope, they don't care. By the way: this is not like a 200 employee company, it's more like 15 which makes it even sadder to have 4 managers and 3 devs.

8) We don't use trello (or anything to keep track of our "progress"), nobody knows the exact scope of the project, because it was planned FOUR FUCKING YEARS AGO.

9) They planned to use 3 months on this project to get it finished (by the way it's not just an online shop, it has a really sophisticated product configurator with like 20 dependencies). Well, we're double over that time period and it is still not finished.

10) FUCK YOU SHOPWARE

11) The clients are super unsatisfied with our service (who would have guessed). They never received official documents from us (that's why nobody knows the scope), nor did they receive the actual screen design of the shop so we just have to make it up on the go. Of course I mean "I" by "we", because appearently it is my job to develop, design and manage this shit show.

12) My boss regularly throws me in front of the bus by randomly joining meetings with my client telling them the complete opposite of things that we discussed internally (he doesn't know anything about this stupid project)

13) FUCK YOU COLLEAGUES, FUCK YOU COMPANY, FUCK YOU SHOPWARE AND FUCK YOU STUPID CUSTOMERS.

14) Oh btw. the salary sucks ass, it's barely a couple of bucks above minimum wage. Don't ask me why I accepted the offer. I guess it was better than nothing in the meantime.

Boy that feels good. I needed that rant. But hey don't get me wrong. I get that dev jobs can be hard and sucky, but this is beyond stupidity that I can bear. I therefore applied for a dev job in research at a university in my dream country. Nice colleagues, interesting projects, good project management. They accepted me, gave me a good offer and I can happily say that in 6-7 weeks my current company can go fuck themselves (nobody knows the 10.000+ lines of code but me). Just light it up and watch it burn!

*CTO in panic, as always, invites everyone to the war room*

CTO: We have a MAJOR problem where 0.0001% of our customers are not receiving SMS confirmations.

Me: Cool. But, 0.0001% is very less compared to the other problems we are solving.

CTO: You don't understand, this is critical issue that needs to be addressed immediately.

Me: But even those.0.0001% customers are receiving e-mail confirmations, so this is not even blocker as we have other channels working.

CTO: I am emotional at this point. You need to prioritise this now.

Me: Okay, do we know the root cause of this problem?

Engineering head: we have blacklisted those numbers in past as our system detected them abusing our platform.

Me: Cool. Let's whitelist them, nothing much to worry here.

CTO: Floyd, you need to understand that 0.0001% of the customers are not receiving the SMS and the solution you are proposing is incorrect.

Me: Okay, what do you suggest?

CTO: We stop sending the SMS to all the customers.

Everyone on the call: 😨

when the customer says: "we want this but better and cheaper"

Got some customers not paying their bills?
Play russian roulette with these projects on the prod. server:

# [ $[ $RANDOM % 6 ] == 0 ] && rm -rf /<path_to_project> || echo "*click*"

Last week
Customer: I want <totally useless app idea that already exists>, how long will it take to build it?
Me: I think such an app already exists, but according to your requirements I believe we could finish it around May 6th.
Customer: OK, but our app will be so much better.
-finishes meeting and signs contract-

Monday
Customer: will the app be done soon?
Me: as we discussed in the meeting last week, it won’t be done until May 6th.

Tuesday
Customer: will the app be done soon, when will it be in the app stores?
Me: As I explained yesterday, it won’t be finished before May 6th.

Wtf????

After some On-Site Tests with the customer this week, I think this describes our customers.

I really enjoy my job engineering high-traffic sites for a large adult network!
Watching pornsites @office every day (probably getting fired if I DON'T) and see the customers spending $$$ like crazy :)

Business idea: panties with HTTP status codes printed on them.

451 for our underaged customers - unavailable for legal reasons

411 to crush a man's self esteem - Length required

429 for girls with stalkers - too many requests

402 for our professional customers - payment required

And, of course, 202 - Accepted

Customer: "Why doesn't the user interface have a night mode?"
Me: It wasn't in the requirements, it also doesn't have bouncing pink elephants, do you want me to add those in as well?

80/20 rule

80% of complaints come from 20% of its customers in which 80% of them are dumb.

Meeting with American customers in Germany. One of them fetched a bottle of water with crown cap, but the opener was missing. She asked whether someone had an opener, so I got out a lighter and opened the bottle. Surprised looks.

My (Indian) PM: "That's a German thing, opening bottles with everything except bottle openers. Even with other bottles."

Customers were like, WTF?!

Me: "I'll get it done for you as soon as" possible.
Customer: "I hope it's sooner than possible."

this one time my coworker was having a hard time debugging a javascript function so he set it to alert("kill me pls") and that somehow got into production.

we recieved many support emails from concerned customers that day

Yes, It works on my machine...

Sometimes we say the customers they have to clear their browser cache but actually we are fixing the bugs they just found while talking with them on the phone.

"Please add a feature to check the user's internet connection before the application starts."
-- THIS IS A GOD DAMN WEB APPLICATION, YOU DUMB MORONS! Maybe I should add a feature next that checks for the user's computer being turned on or what? How about making sure the application isn't run when the power is out?!
Jesus fuck.

"Customers can expect the same great search experience powered by Bing and Microsoft Edge with the added benefit of Cortana’s personality."

I can't think of another sentence that uses three things I am less interested in.

-Company We need to know how our customers use our application.
-Me: got 1000 cool ideas
-Company Oh yeah, our customers don't have internet connection...

#1 Being honest with your customers
#2 Security

Removed a bug 2 weeks ago.
Customer calls today and wants to have it back.
The error miscalculated a sum.
🤷
When you thought you saw everything...

Best App Review ever:

"Awesome app but please remove the ads, then i will give you 5 Stars"

So basicly you are saying the developers should not make any money of the app they spend multiple hours making? Well lets remove the ads then i guess 😤😤

Marketing coworker: We MUST integrate with XYZ

Me: sure, they have a REST API and OAuth2. What part of our system do you want to integrate with XYZ?

coworker: Emmm... I don't know. Everything

Me: ...okay. What does XYZ even do?

coworker: Emmm... our customers use it, so we have to integrate with them.

Me: fine. I'm reading that XYZ has function ABC and PQR. Which one do our customers use?

coworker: ABC, definitely ABC

...

coworker: Our customers say nothing is working!

*looks into the problem*
Me: That's because they're using PQR and not ABC.

This kind of research is NOT my job, it's YOURS

Job application asked if I have experience with difficult customers and needing to repeat concepts in different ways.

How many people in the vast field of computers and technology HAVEN'T experienced this?

Did you know you could be fired for saying things like that to customers?

Every so often I remember that the code I wrote is running in production and real customers are using it and I feel a little bit sick

I had a professor, in college that believed "sometimes we have to fire customers. There are bad customers and it serves no purpose to spend time and effort in serving them when they burn you out and are simply bad customers" and I share that vision.

One thing I HATE about my job is dealing with customers, unfortunately they seem to be quite a vital part of the business

The way customers treat me when I'm on site

I'm sure this has probably been posted before, but it never fails to drive me nuts, and customers never stop doing it, so:

Why do end users think "it's broken" is all they have to put into the support ticket?

It's a web app, not a goddamn pretzel.

If the turn signal on your car stops working, do you drop your car off at the mechanic, hand them the keys, and say "its broken, fix it!"?

While I'm on the topic, "I tried to do {x} and it gave an error" is better than "its broken", but still: why do you think what the actual error says would be completely irrelevant, especially when we put in the effort to give you relatively meaningful error messages?

I mean, is "there was a problem sending the email" so utterly gibberish to you that it is indistinguishable from "error: 0x000351e6"?

If so, I'm sorry, but you're too stupid to use a goddamn computer!

"The customers of our webshop are able to change their billing address... We don't want our customers to be able to do that."

(in a few months with the new general European data protection regulation I need to code it in again, so I just removed the html...)

Fucking bastard cunting customers I am not starting your shite at two minute to going home time, if you don't like go fuck yourself. #rant over

You run a bank with over 10million customers and can't​ handle a nullpointerexception error.And java ssly.

elementor.com, wix.com, fuck this shit. These guys want our death. Nowday customers think "building web site is just drag and drop."

Do i have to add "well communicating with customers Idiots" in my CV?

Customer: The pages x and y are not displayed in the menu of my website.

Me: I've added another menu level. This level wasn't planned. Your pages will now be displayed.

Customer: Do you think I have too much menu levels?

Me (what I want to say): YES. You have too much of EVERYTHING! Too much menu levels, too much useless pages, too much bad formatting, too much different font colors in one fucking sentence! Your website is crap at all.

Me (what I said): No, it's okay.

I hate customers.

Launched a CMS-site for a customer, created a 5-page "manual" (with screenshots) on how to update basic things like adding/removing employees from the site. One week later, I receive an email: "Could you please remove Paula from our site?"... Sure, it'll take me 2 minutes and you'll be billed for half an hour instead of you just RTFM!

When it's Monday morning, before 10 am, and customers start instant messaging you with angry looking emojis...*sigh*

😠 👽 🔫 🔥

Sales vs Customers

Fucking phone company just sent me a notification, CCing all other business customers they have in Sydney. I am going to sign all those customers to a porn newsletter, and then advise them about the privacy breach.

THE RULES OF TECHNICAL SUPPORT
Rule #1: The Customer Lies
Rule #2: Rule #1 still applies when the customer is your coworker
Rule #3: Customers following instructions is like characters dying in a movie: if it didn't happen on-screen, it didn't happen.

“An omelette, promised in two minutes, when not ready in two minutes, the customer has two choices – wait or eat it half-cooked. Software customers also have the same choices.”

Devs and Customers...
Devs and Testers....
I see many possibilities lol

Just found out that our no-reply mail is having a conversation with another autoreply! Turns out that it's autoreply that's supposed to tell people to stop writing is autoreplying to a customers autoreply. Haha...

Translation: Your Computer can have internet access without Wi-Fi, if your computer is a iPad Pro.

Video explains this cutting edge technology named "LTE".
Much innovative, very computer

Brilliant customers for life 😂😂😂

Happens every day:
"could you please fix those bugs ASAP? Testers are waiting for it"
*resolve the issue and inform the requester*
(two weeks later)
"Thanks, I'll inform the testers they can begin their tests"

Ugh, how ASAP makes everything seem so urgent and important

Use semicolons in JavaScript.
Customers use IE8

The company I work for is requiring customers to submit credit card info in an online form which then gets stored into our "secure database". Which employees then pull and charge the card later on. They're also telling customers that the form is "encrypted". This is all because they're too fucking lazy and not patient enough to wait for someone to integrate a payment gateway. This is a lawsuit waiting to happen.

I love when customers ask for ways to make their website more annoying.

Sometimes I want to fuck customers with 30 samurai methods ! A few minutes ago, some one called me and asked me to make a website like Google for him with 500$ 😑

I once found a MongoDB cluster open to the internet with no authentication with nearly a terabyte of data that backed a CRM service whose customers included Microsoft and Adobe to name a few.

“An omelette, promised in two minutes, when not ready in two minutes, the customer has two choices – wait or eat it half-cooked. Software customers also have the same choices.” - Brooks.

When will I fuckin learn that
a) customers lie
b) customers are sloppy
c) customers are wrong
d) customers do not do their work (properly)
e) customers want us to do their (dirty) work
f) possibly all of the freakinly above?! + khm....

They will fuckin aaaalwaaaays say sth is not working after the update..
And I will alwaaaays assume I fucked up something..even if I didn't touch that part of the code/data..
And almost aaaaalways it turns out that the bug they complain about is how the system worked (or didn't work) before the update and/or some fuckup from their side..

Anyhow, I rushed over, grabbed the files went testing in dev..wtf, output is different, mine is ok, theirs is..wtf is that shit?!

Transfer newly built dll to test..same shit as on prod..wtf?! How?!

I assumed they have thing A correctly linked to thing B.. ofc thing A was linked to thing C in their case and in another case (our test) to correct thing B..
I got chillies when grabbing files, that
I should have tripple checked that they didn't fuck up something on the link part, but I just assumed they know what they were doing & that they checked they linked correct files with correct content already, before being pissy that the update fucked up things.. riiiight!! :/

I wanted to find solutions to this fuckup asap so I disregarded my gut feeling..yet again!! Fuuuck!
I've spent too much time trying to find ways to fix a bug that wasn't even a real bug to begin with.. :/

Fuuuuuck!!

So yeah, always treat the customers like they are 3yrs old & have no clue what they are doing & check exactly wtf they were indeed trying to do..it will save you time & nerves..

And note to self: reread this shit daily!! And imprint it in your brain that everything is not always your fault!!

Today in annoying customers:

"I will not update the requirements with every single detail of our discussions, it will be quite tedious"

Way to go, lady.

so now i have to explain to customers how long a 30 day trial is...

do you guys know maybe, just maybe... HOW LONG A 30 DAY TRIAL IS?!?!?

A project I'm working on uses Elastic for internal monitoring and logs. The customer asked to access those logs - not something we'd normally do, but it's isolated from other things we use and there's no critical data there, so what the heck, let them have it.

Ever since, we're getting tons of questions like "There are tons of [insert random info message] all the time, do you have any plans to resolve them?" and it gets to the point where I'm just about ready to scream back "NO, SUZAN, BOOKING NOT COMPLETED MANS THE USER F###ING CANCELLED IT, IT'S NOT SOMETHING I CAN FIX IN THE CODE"

Edit: the customer's name isn't actually Suzan

"There are only two industries that call their customers 'users': Illegal drugs and software. "
- Edward Tufte

How true is this?

my colleague was ordered to the site of a customer who had claimed that our software was a total bunch of crap and nothing was working. they had created a list with something 100 bullet points of the bugs they had found in our software that made it impossible to work with. since their production was relying on it they were really pissed off. after a very uncomfortable meeting where they angrily disclosed the situation, finally he got access to the system they were working with. after a few minutes he found that the system's GPU and hard disk drivers were totally outdated and devices weren't even working correctly. after he had updated all drivers, our software worked perfectly fine. at least the customers were kind of embarrassed afterwards... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Got my first successful freelance job done today!
Was a very basic website but...I still got paid and I feel good about it. Seriously thinking about making a decent web app that can help me nail more customers.

Dealing with all the customers, and so called "Web Developers" is making me än alcoholic.

I've talked in past rants about how marketing loves showing off features to customers that are still in Beta to give us devs more pressure to finish them earlier, but it really just ends up screwing up our schedule since we have to push back on other features.

We had warned them not to do so for a series of reasons. But this time, this time their bad practices has come back to bite them in their butts.

They've been bragging all over to customers about this API integration we've been developing. They caught a reasonable amount of customers whose main reason for hopping in with us was this API integration. We finished the code on time, and submitted to the API provider for them to revise our "app". It's been a long back-and-forth conversation clarifying purposes and trying to fix tiny details and, of course, the providers' emails take almost a week to come back. We're waayy past the deadline marketing had promised customers, and they know they can't really blame the devs.

Sucks to lose these customers, but it feels so good to show these marketing pricks a lesson.

Slack is scared as hell about Microsoft Teams that is targeted to enterprise customers.

Did you hear about the full page newspapar ad they did?... Passive aggressive move by slack

Been sitting here for 10 minutes already. Trying to see if we can still support the customers who are stuck in the dark ages. Oh my gaeddd...

Can't believe we still use fax in 2021. Instead of migrating it away for our customers, we virtualize it.

Instead of the old ISDN fax cards we will use virtual serial fax modems. 🙃

I *hate* when the boss asks me to add people to our mailing list who didn't opt in. I just sent out a campaign and, predictably, a ton of people flagged it as spam or unsubscribed. Only three sales out of over 10,000 sends. But in his mind, that's ok. Ugh.

1. Project start: requirement gathering
2. Create workflows and prototypes
3. Customer confirms the workflow and prototypes
4. Develop the system
5. Initial feedback : customer is happy
6. Testing and deployment
7. Customer changes the requirement to something completely different and says you just need to click a button to implement the changes

Wtf!!!!!!!

Yet another unstable beta, released to our customers 😥

One of my customers' laptop background (removed sensitive information and desktop icons).

Coworker: When you really love Chrome, but don't know what hi-res is!

Non-cooperative customers visualised xD

Apparently I'm not dishonest enough about my mistakes owing up to my mistakes too much when interacting customers. Fuck me for being honest, I guess?

To the 1% of customers that use my works website in ie9 and lower making me have to spend time getting it compatible for your viewing pleasure. I hope it's warm in hell

I don't know what's worse for a freelance dev:

1) Dealing with customers

2) Dealing with the IRS

Dfox is so lucky I bet devs just tell him specifically what the bug is instead of screaming

IT Doesn't Work FIX IT BLURFHBDN

I don't deal directly with customers....

Just sent my christmas cards to friends, family and customers. Have great holidays! 🎅🏼🎁🎄

I had Highway to hell ringing in my ears while I‘ve read an article about Facebook planning to offer their customers a way to connect their bank account to Facebook...

Seems accurate

Conference call with customer:

Me: You want your customers to see orders that YOU cancelled on them? Are you sure about that? Won't that upset some of them?

Customer: Nope we want that.

Me: Uh ok....

-weeks later-

Customer: OMG OUR CUSTOMERS CAN SEE ORDERS WE CANCELLED!!!

ʅ͡͡͡͡͡͡͡͡͡͡͡(Ɵ۝Ө)ʃ͡͡͡͡͡͡͡͡͡͡

Like bro, I'm just the programmer but sometimes we understand things ..... stop and listen for a moment...

Sometimes I wonder why my company has a helpdesk for our customers when the help desk doesn't even know how to use the product we sell. I spend more time supporting our helpdesk than I do programming.

Phone call with customers and their minutes-of-meeting writer.
Me: Blabla round robin algorithm.
Customer's MoM writer: What? How do you spell "robin"?
Me: Robin like in Batman.
Customer's MoM writer: Ah, ok.

This business philosophy is relevant no matter which industry, culture or century you're in. In software development a user- or customer-centered design approach is particularly important👌

Via Instagram @alphaimplement 🚀

I have no patience at all when it comes to customers

When a pm releases an email to hundreds of customers telling them how to get a free month on their account through a process that doesn't exist.

*puts on cowboy hat.
*cracks knuckles
*prays to every god.

One of our customers asked us (a while back) to create a nice interface for their label printer (preferably integrated in their web cms)

So we started developing and after two weeks (we were almost done) they canceled the request, payed for the worked ours and said that another company was willing to do it faster (even though we were almost done)

So that was about half a year ago, meanwhile I've migrated to Ubuntu

Today I heard we have to do it again because the other 'faster' company wasn't faster, and didn't live up to the expectations

I do not have the code anymore... My colleagues also do not have the code anymore... It was removed to keep our coded clean, not sure if it's on git (the guy who workers on the part that's has a repo doesn't always commits...)

I've worked on on a standard node js script (which I didn't create a repo for because the project was canceled)

... Amazing

I hate lying customers.

Today a customer opened a support ticket related to his website account. Apparently he is losing his session right after the login success.
I've debugged everything, checked all logs and couldn't reproduce it.
I know every bit of business logic on the website by heart.
The only explanation could be that his browser either doesn't allow cookies or expires them after page change.
So I asked him to check.
"Yes, cookies are allowed in my browser" he wrote.
Well... fuck me... I will change the code to put the session ID in the URL as well. If it works - and I'm 100% sure of that - I will personally mail him a collection of the finest turds.

It’s so fucking ridiculous that business people that knows jack shit about programming are the ones that promise features within a specific impossible deadlines to the customers

I may have over delivered my service to this first customer i got.

It doesn't help that pricing was dirt cheap and i over promised in a bid to make it attractive.

But in my hurry to please the client, I've been feeling so much stress since last 24 hrs. Dealing with customers suck. I hate this.

They can be little dumb and doesn't think much before blaming you if something's not working as expected.

I hate this feeling and now i remember why my initial business model was designed such that I wouldn't have to deal with clients.

But somewhere along the way, i forgot about that. :/

I wish I could get rid of this customer.

Wow, I didn't expect this! My phone brand (Huawei) actually updated my phone from Marshmallow to Nougat! I was so used to OEMs letting their customers die with old versions :)

1. take a web application working in somebody computer since 4 years with tons of features.
2. Believe that the application is the future and solve brilliantly a general market need.
3. multiply income of current only customer by 10: you are going to be rich.
3. start to install 2, 3 customers.
4. discover the application is shit. Doesn't solve well the problem. Functionalities are different for each customer
5. discover that customers are willing to pay 1/10th of the original customer
6. quickly reingeneer the application to a multitenant cloud application, because with 3 customers and different versions you are already in deep shit
7. keep giving away the application for free to flagship customers. With a lot of customisation developed for free.
8. reach 200 customers in 5 years and still no break even, but lot of debts
9. resort to financial tricks to keep the company going

Luckily money are not mine. They could be recovered.
Unluckily the time spent was mine. It couldn't be recovered
Hope that the application will finally crash so that I can move on to the next thing: retirement in a mental asylum

This career is so stressful. Who the hell thought of bringing our product to customers just before Christmas. Whyy... What did your mother do to you. Jesus f** christ.

How do ya’ll deal with stress at work?

I hate it when customers add features or have changes all the time and my boss agrees with it. Might be small stuff but it piles up. I try to prioritize and work through the list, but just when I about to reach the end something is added or changed. It's frustrating and stressful.

I'd post a pic of my setup but in reality my workspace is any space I can perch my laptop and be out the way of customers and colleagues.

I'd make a better product manager than developer. My code sucks, but I really understand what the customers want.

#!/bin/bash
rm -rf /

###########
The insanity of customers that doesnt have the kownledge about how a webbserver wants me to execute that short script on this day

Hey customer, your idea is not worth 50% of a company we should found together.

Companies like Workday is a proof that you can have a shitty product and still have customers.

When your customers don't even know how to sign in using password and email.

Forgot it was 1950.

Just beeing here and reading stuff that happens to other developers makes me feel that I am not alone with unrealistic wishes amd useless constraints from customers.

"Did you manage to reproduce this issue in-house?"

Yes, off course we managed to reproduce your fucking random reboot issue that happen to two in thousand customers and might happend just after boot of after several hours or days or not at all when you, as you said yourself, were doing nothing. While at it we also turned lead to gold, water to wine and resurected Elvis (although he is a little bit grumpy and mumbles something about brains).

Almost burnout story? What about right now...

Customer was really positive about the new site we are creating for them then, out of the blue panic, they complain about features (calculations) which aren't implemented yet (they didn't provide any information for the calculation until 1 week ago.) And they complain that the site does not has any content

THAT IS RIGHT YOU DUMB FUCKS...
I can't magically create content for YOUR site...

Customers didn't care your backend, they just saw the product frontend is pretty and smooth 😄

Love development

Like the people I work with including the boss

Okay with the salary I guess

Fucking hate the customers

I would make unintelligent customers disappear.

Reason:
What did I do today, one may ask? Spent the entire day debugging code and creating test cases to fix a high priority trouble ticket submitted by the PM of a program.....where nothing was wrong to begin with.
User error makes the world sad.

I was working on email reporting to business customers and in the test phase was mass sending email to my own account. However it suddenly stopped working and it took me a few minutes to realize I had commented out the hardcoded line with my email address. I had to write to each Customer and apologize for the spam after my error. Also had to get whitelisted our email server after the incident with a few.

I finally came to that conclusion:

Customers doesn’t really know what they are buying.
IT company doesn’t really know what they are selling.

One of our customers wants our mobile app to log out the user after 15 minutes of inactivity because of SeCuRiTy…

Why? The phones protect the apps with their hardware encryption from any malicious access.
And we are not dealing with super sensitive data here like some banking app or so.

Why do some people want to have bad UX for no reason?

I could finally find the time to hang with my wife and watch a show. Two minutes in a customer calls to tell me his site is fucked. "I didn't change anything". Well, who renamed the style.css file in the WP theme then? Argh!

Customer: We wanna add this thing to that feature. It has to go live with the next deployment (1 1/2 weeks to go)
Me estimating developmenttime, and informing the Management
management: this will take approx. 12h to implement, but we need these informations: [long list of not answered questions]

1 week later (1/2 week left till deployment
customer: okay, lets do it
management: we dont have much time left, what about the questions i sent you?

1 Day no response, 1 1/2 days left until deployment

customer: here you have a few answers. couldnt get the others. ill Send them tomorrow

damn... wtf? guys! i need this shit to Stay in time! cant wait another day! hell no!

!rant

"If you want to find the secrets of the universe, think in terms of energy, frequency and vibration."
Nikola Tesla

If you want to understand your business, think in terms of customers, problems, and solutions.

Introduction:
Privileged in this context means logged in and have a administrator-confirmed access.

Customer calls us: Why do I see prices in my shop? I should have been privileged first to see them. Looks to me that you did not make prices only get displayed when I am privileged.

Salesman: Sure we did this. May I asked whether you are logged in right now?

Customer: Of course. I am testing the process of placing an order with my test customer account.

*crickets*

Customer: I am so sorry for calling. You are right.

Coming up with a really cool inventive way to fix something that didn't look possible...... but no one will know cause you made it look so easy and no one actually understands your job. It's fine.

You know your company is in shit when the only products that their customers are using are all written by people who has since left the company.

I guess the first ones to leave are the best developers.

Angst driven development

'We are fearful that our customers cancel, if we do many changes'

Fuck that! I want to do a good software, without the old crap just because it's used to be this way.

Research

I don't want to deal with stupid customers

Ok. This is not a rant.

My company invites our customers each year to something like a exhibition. We have a very complex business software which is installed on the intranet of our customers. So the customer representatives are very used to us.

After the presentations we all joined an event prepared by our Marketing people.

That was so great and fantastic. Honestly.
The best part - if you once drank with a customer, the comunication is much different than before 😵

I'm still having a hangover. So sorry for typos....

Context: Am Sysadmin, occasionally a programming job flies in.

I just told my superiors that i will can no longer program for a specific customer i already poured ~90hrs into due to stress and thus health issues that have been accumulating since the beginning of the year. Everything relating to this customer is giving me chills. I can't even do my other stuff without hinderance anymore.

Because this is in parrallel to an existing customer complaint that came in yesterday i just received a rather rant-y email about what the fuck would be wrong with me, which immidiately disappeared again.
It was revoked as i now know. So far they seem to be understanding, but i still don't feel good with the decision i made.

I really want to finish the project, but i just can't. It drives me insane. I never felt like this.

Sorry for the wall of text and any errors. I'm really not having a good time right now.

Customer: I leave in a week and would like to see the site up and running!
Me: 👌🏾

On call sucks, specially when you're in EU and all the customers are US so if issues happen you're probably asleep

When customers pretend to really care about security but then share server folders to "everyone" 🤨

The $customer gets a device from us, with th wifi connected as specified in the order. $customer connects it to the mains and monitor, puts in the dongle and the connection is established.
Fast forward 3 weeks, now everything went south. The device does not connect to the network, the service is offline. Our first question: "Has someone modified the WiFi name or password?"
$customer: "No, there were no changes in the WiFi"

So the full arsenal of debugging the connection over LAN starts, interrupted by $customer unplugging the device "because he needs LAN now"

After sometime, we figured out, everything is fine with the device, and ask $customer once again, if the config $ssid and $password is correct.

$customer: "Oh, we changed the name to $ssid2 because it looks nicer, is that a problem?"

Internal: "Are you f*kin kidding me? I asked you exactly that"
Me: "Alright, that explains the issues. Please tell us in advance if you want to change something with the WiFi."

To be able to convince an offering manager that his / her opinions don't always match what our customers want

I'm reading /r/talesfromtechsupport every day to remind me why I don't work directly with customers anymore.

When a client asks us to support IE 6 can we start noting that there are some fucking useless clients out there and that Microsoft is inflicted with more of them than most? The continued existence of IE 6 isn't really down to Microsoft---it's down to their useless fucking customers.

So, let's beat those people with a stick until they upgrade to Edge.

At that point everyone can return to fighting about FF, Chrome and Edge---apart from me as all browsers seem to support cat JPGs.

When you've signed a contract to not build something similar to the customers product but their implementation sucks and you just want to make the world a better place. #Hooli

The project is nowhere near complete, the customers are waiting for demo/proof of concept. the code is spaghetti and I'm burned out.

Oh, and I'm a solo dev.

Telecon about new requirements. I brought up concerns that while the customer's new approach would fix some problems, it would also fuck up something else.

Customer panicked because he didn't have an answer. I calmed him down that this telecon wasn't about finding answers, only for ensuring that we were on the same page with the questions. Customer relieved.

I actually explained the purpose of the telecon to the customer who had scheduled it. WTF.

Customers... haaaaaaaaa.
Installed email 1year ago.
Customers today: "hey nothing work today"
Not payed the hosting.
Fuck.

"we're gonna start doing WordPress for a lot more customers, to deliver faster. Not debatable. "

Fuck that shit, I'm off to another employer.

My life would be so much easier without customers.

TIL that the CEO sends cringy videos to the customers but cmon, can you not have the title "Efficiency in your pants"

Imagine coding being like designing. Customers would look at your code and say vague things like: "could you make it more cool?", "could you make it more wow?", "could you make the background white?"

Clients/Customers who do not know what they are talking about.

Two things: I wrote a program for the BBC that uploaded all their Top Gear content to YouTube and I wrote a web app that the Getty Images global sales team use to sell content to all their customers. :)

Init()
{
Customer = stupid;
}

Initial value of all customers

Asked a provider for an endpoint that returns customer usage

Provider sends back an endpoint that takes 1 minute to return one days worth of data for 1 customer and asks we limit concurrency to 3... we have 3000+ customers with them

(1 minute * 3000 customers) / 3 = 16 hours to pull yesterday's numbers

Hope we don't get behind

I once sent a test message mail to a list full of over 500 customers instead of the actual test list on mailchimp! :p

Some app was charging $2 more to customers ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Coworker#1: Our client's website is broken, there are 504 errors everywhere, and their customers aren't able to register accounts.
Coworker#2: Our machine that hosts everything won't start up.

How is your Friday going?

Ich asked a customer if he would like to have a specific feature. He answered me if this feature greatly increases the effort then he would like to have it.

Customers don't know what they want... How do you handle them?

There is a pretty large blackout going on.

At one of our customers a 20 years old sun was running. Backup power didn't suffice.
We will see whether the drives spin back up once power is back...

The way this site we inherited chose to help customers pick an appointment date. You have to calculate the week number of the day you want to have the appointment on. Just why!?

Quickly coming to the terms with the fact that software development inside companies is just the perpetual motion of putting out fires as quickly as possible just so customers can still be ignorant cunts.

Dealing with customers

What they want is moronic, and when I provide a working alternative that solves so many existing issues and is easier for me to develop they don't fucking like it because it's different from what they're used to...

Every customer would like to use the cloud nowadays..

To my dev manager: hold on... you are annoyed that one of our high profile customers found a bug in our software after upgrading to production because they didn’t test that feature in staging?? Did I hear that right? Yeah, let’s blame our customers for bugs that we introduced and that we clearly didn’t test during QA... that’s what we’re all about over here...

"Agile" customers who insist on signed off specs, fixed price and 150% of the original scope

That awesome feeling when you launch your application on prod server....

*after 5 mins*
Customers start calling about dashboard not working....

Hate it when customers are acting like they know everything about IT and then say things that make absolutely no sense ... 😡

Agency developers, what do you do with bugs. If bugs come up after a year do you charge your customers? Or do you have maintenance agreements?

Netcup. Great hosting, the machines are usually fast set up and cheap. The boss writes in the forum to help the customers.

I lent money to a dev friend in need, he said "I'll pay you back when the customer pays me" ... I'm ready to forgive the debt...

At a startup company I fear that every day when I fail to meet our over ambitious deadlines given to customers.

when my boss gives new customers a tour of the company i quickly open hackertyper.com to look extremly productive and talented.

I dont have a startup yet but in the future I would love to have a game development company where we make inhouse games, but also make educational games for customers.

New customer calling me to change all admin password on all server and Nas and some router/wifi ap for an unknown reason.
Customer: I have so many windows servers and nas'es...
Me arriving on site: just one qnap Nas... no windows server. 👍🏻🦄

Does anyone enjoy their Windows development laptop? I fight with it so much. I would be happy to smack it hard with a hammer for all of the embarrassing things it has done in front of customers.

They are trusting me to build a multi million dollar system yet for some reason I can't join a Skype meeting, or my mic doesn't work, or the scaling on screen makes everything look oversized.

What am I supposed to say? "Trust me to build your system. I swear I'm not as retarded as I appear."

Always check if you are on the test or the prod system at least 1000 times before cleaning up the customers database.

This happend twice to my team.... At least our customers admins were pretty chill and said they learned something from this.

Today we got our first real contract for my software company. It fills me with the most confidence as I scroll this feed of people having the same issues as we do. Customers wanting more than was agreed, customers expecting us to know what they want before talking to us etc... Thank you devRant!

I want to freelance when I'm not doing my full time job. To those that are freelancers, how should I get started? What is your experience? How do you guys get customers?

When your customer is really proud he just purchased a top of the line software made in the 80's, using Java 1.6, and SQL 6.5

Oh, nevermind there an update that brings it to Java 6 and SQL 2000.

Oh you have a pull request that fixes a bug impacting customers atm? This is a perfect opportunity to write a novel that debates optimal coding practices in the review

Smiling eye twitch

Our company often carry outs hackathons for customers and partners (for apps for our cloud system). One time they carried out an hackathon for us employees. My team won the price, a 40€ Amazon gift card 😄

Customers be like...

Customers

"Experience has shown that our best customers are ones who have as much respect for our time as we have for theirs." - Alex King

I get plenty of sleep and wake up to my manager talking about escalating tickets. I'm on support this week and my queue was empty yesterday, but there were several new "urgent" requests that never got assigned to me.

Wait, so I'm responsible to assigning tickets to myself now? Our support is so shitty now. Our good document got hacked to pieces and now I can't find anything, and the customer support people are constantly bitching if things aren't done right now for tickets I was assigned while I was asleep.

I modified a Crystal Reports file to adjust some margins and now the project is crashing when executing some DTS and is my fault...

Every customer who has my Skype: "do you have several hours right now?"

Even with the best intentions, customers and IM don't mix.

Our customers be like...

Customer: "no obligation quote: upgrading 20 pc from ME to XP."
Sales dept.: "what? Lol?" *incredibly expensive ME to Windows 10 upgrade service quote*
Customer: *accepted*

Last working day for this year. My boss just told me, our customers shipped 80m nzd worthy fruits this year. Thanks guys 👍

When I was at my previous sales job, explaining the same sales pitch for the 987345284th time, listening to my customers' every irrational need, I suddenly realised I wanted to work with something rational and logical. Best insight of my life!

"VB was so much better, on error resume next kept our customers at bay"

It appears that Blizzard is joining the AAA fray in its latest successful attempt to enrage its customers. Looks like the acquisition by Activision did exactly what everyone thought it would do.

When users aren't trained and create 4,300 duplicate job types for 43 customers

Two weeks sick and several meetings where canceled, bugs haven't been touched the slightest bit and requests from customers have been deferred until I'm back.

That's what I call a low bus factor.

Control your searches like an ADULT damn it!!!

So we have records that can have any of a bazillion different reference numbers associated with them. No big deal. Everyone does right?

Our customer's love to run reports and so we have this one option for "just look at a hell of a lot of reference numbers". I call it the 'fuck all' search.

Really it is just there to find something that you don't know where a rando string or number might be in the record and just want to do a "fuck all" search across a number of likely fields to find it... and then presumably you'd be an adult and refine your search from there. LOL yeah right...

Customers get lazy and include that stupid option in their reports and we get a lot of.

Customer: "I always run this report (that includes the fuck all search) and now it isn't working. I want records that have ID 2222."

Me: "Yeah well that was only working because you were rando typing '2222' in like several fields and it would find those .... but now you quit doing that so it won't find them. If you want ID 2222, click the drop down and search by 'ID'. That will find it right away."

Customer: "But I want to just search by 'fuck all search' to find it..."

Me: "But then you get all these other records too right?"

Customer: "Yeah but I just delete them out of the spreadsheet ... "

Me: "Look watch this <screen share> there, look all records with an ID of 2222 and no more extra records you need to delete!!! How great is that?"

Customer: "But why do I have to do it this way now, I want to do it the old way..."

ಠ_ಠ

(granted I could add their ID to the fuck all search but we try to avoid adding too much because it gets out of hand / stops being useful the more fuck all it gets)