A scammer called me today. They were saying that harmful files were moved to my computer and they needed to remove them. I don't think they are ever going to call me again.

S = scammer; M = me;

S: this is tech support we need access to your computer because we detected harmful files and need to remove them.
M: oh my! Hold on, let me go to my computer now. How can you access it?
S: we can just use RDP and delete the files. They are in a hidden folder that is encrypted so this Is the only way.
M: oh ok I believe you. Hm... it looks like my son only allows certain IP addresses to access our computers.. I don't know how to disable this so can you just email me your IP address?
S: Sure...

He then sends me his actual IP address... it doesn't even look like a proxy or VPN.

M: oh my I forgot that you need my password to login. It's really long and complicated... can I just email it to you?
S: Sure!!

I then tell him to hold on I have to find it that my "son" stored it somewhere.

At this time I'm taking a photo of my bare ass and attaching it to the email. I then say in the email "Please note what my job title is in my signature.. I just sent the FBI your name, phone number, email, and IP address. Please enjoy my bare ass, you'll see a lot of it in prison."

D: “Did the attackers exfiltrate any data?”

M: “I can’t say for sure, but most likely based on—”

D: “—but did you find any undeniable evidence of it?”

M: “Keep in mind that the absence of evidence isn’t necessarily evidence of absence. There was very limited logging to begin with and the attacker erased artifacts and logs.”

D: “If there’s no evidence, then there was no exfiltration.”

M: “If a business doesn’t have cameras on its front door and then gets robbed, it can’t claim there was no robbery just because they didn’t video-record it.”

D: “That’s a poor analogy. Nothing’s missing here. I couldn’t care less if a robber made a *copy* of my money. That isn’t robbery.”

M: “... If the Titanic really hit an iceberg, then how come no pieces of an iceberg were ever found in the wreckage?”

Bought this Lenovo thinkpad netbook a while ago.

I was told it has 4gb ram.

Just did a free and free -m command.

It shows nearly 8gb of ram.

😯😍

Long rant ahead, but it's worth it.

I used to work with a professor (let's call him Dr. X) and developed a backend + acted as sysadmin for our team's research project. Two semesters ago, they wanted to revamp the front end + do some data visualization, so a girl (let's call her W) joined the team and did all that. We wanted to merge the two sites and host on azure, but due to issues and impeding conferences that require our data to be online, we kept postponing. I graduate this semester and haven't worked with the team for a while, so they have a new guy in charge of the azure server (let's call him H), and yesterday my professor sends me (let's call me M), H and W an email telling us to coordinate to have the merge up on azure in 2-3 days, max. The following convo was what I had with H:

M: Hi, if you just give me access to azure I'll be able to set everything up myself, also I'll need a db set up, and just send me the connection string.
H: Hi, we won't have dbs because that is extra costs involved since we don't have dynamic content. Also I can't give you access, instead push everything on git and set up the site on a test azure server and I will take it from there.
M: There is proprietary data on the site...
H: Oh really? I don't know what's on it.
<and yet he knows we have no dynamic data>
M: Fine, I'll load the data some other way, but I have access to all the data anyway, just talk to Dr. X and you'll see you can give me access. Delete my access after if you want.
H: No, just do what I said: git then upload to test azure account.

Fine, he's a complete tool, but I like Dr. X, so I message W and tell her we have to merge, she tells me that it's not that easy to set it up on github as she's using wordpress. She sends me instructions on what to do, and, lo and behold, there's a db in her solution. Ok, I go back to talking to H:

M: W is using a db. Talk to her so we can figure out whether we need a database or not.
H: We can't use a database because we want to decrease costs.
M: Yes I know that, so talk to her because that probably means she has to re-do some stuff, which might take some time. Also there might be dynamic content in what she's doing.
H: This is your project, you talk to her.
<I'm starting to get mad right now>
M: I don't know what they had her do apart from how it interfaces with what I've done.
H: We still can't have databases.
M: Listen, I don't do wordpress, and I'm not gonna mess with it, you talk to her
H: I won't do any development
<So you won't do any dev, but you won't give me access to do it either?>
M: Man, the bottleneck isn't the merging right now, it's the fact that W needs a db
H: I know, so talk to her
M: THE RESTRICTION TO NOT HAVE DATABASES IS NOT MINE, IT'S YOURS, YOU TALK TO HER. I can't evaluate whether it's a reasonable enough reason or not since I don't know the requirements or what they're willing to spend.
H: It's your project.
M: Then give me fucking access to azure and I'll handle it, you know you'll have to set up wordpress again regardless whether we set it up the first time.
H: Man just do your job.

At this point I lost it. WHAT A FUCKING TOOL. He doesn't wanna do dev work, wants me to go through the trouble of setting up on a test subscription first, and doesn't want to give me access to azure. What's more, he did shit all and doesn't want to anything else. Well fuck you. I googled him, to see if he's anyone important, if he's done anything notable which is why he's being so God damn condescending. MY INTERNSHIP ALONE ECLIPSES HIS ENTIRE CV. Then what the fuck?

There's also this that happened sometime during our talk:

M: You'll have to take to Dr. Y so he'll change the DNS to point to the azure subscription instead of my server.
H: Yea don't worry, too early for that.
M: DNS propagation takes 24 hours...
H: Yea don't worry.

DNS propagation allows the entire web to know that your website is hosted on a different server so it can change where it's pointing to. We have to do this in 2-3 days. Why do work in parallel? Nah let's wait.

I went over his head and talked to the professor directly, and despite wanting to tell him that he was both drunk and high the day he hired that guy, I kept it professional. He hasn't replied yet, but this fucker's pompous attitude is just too much for me alone, so I had to share.

PS: I named his contact as Annoying Prick 4 minutes into our chat. Gonna rename him cz that seems tooooooo soft a name right now.

So... A random morning moment:
(c - Cient, m - me)

C: Help!!! Our users are complaining that our website is not working as intended!!! This is crucial!!!!
M: What's the problem? What is not working?
C: EVERYTHING!!!! FIX IT!!!!
M: Could you be more specific...?
C: Look at the bugsnag - it has all the errrors!!!
M: *looks there - no errors* - But... It has no errors...
C: Okay, so client told me he's using Galaxy SII - does that ring a bell?
M: *thinks that I'm fucked* - Asks, which browser?
C: Why do you need it? It's a browser after all...
M: Yeah but not all browsers are the same and I need type and version to investigate...
C: It's Samsung default browser... Last updated 2012 January.
M: Well, tell that user to update the browser, the site is working fine on newer versions...
C: No, you update it.
M: Browser?!
C: Yes, what else?!
M: Of course, I'll fly 3000 kilometres to press UPDATE button on clients phone...
C: Well, he's not doing it himself - he's afraid!
M: Well, that is his problem. Site is working fine for other users with newer browsers.
C: But... He's a client
M: I get it but he's a client that uses 6 years old browser and tries to visit our website. Don't you remember that we ditched IE support on your behalf for the same reason?!
C: Oh... I see... Can you make something that it works with 2005 browsers?
M: Of course... *evil laugh starts* I'll make the website work on EVERY single device EVER - make it plain text.
C: Are you joking?
M: Are you?

----

And since then, we ditched the actual need for supporting users with old browsers that don't update to modern standards... Feels great!

TL;DR: Clients are dumb.

Client IT Lead: "Your code isn't working on our website."

Me: "Because you didn't load our code into your website. Do that, and everything works."

CIL: <proposes terrible alternative>

M: "No fix on my end will matter if you don't load our code into your website."

CIL: <more disagreement>

M: "Let me discuss with my team and I'll get back to you."

... later that day, in a follow up meeting with client's team ...

M: "Load our code into your website as was initially intended and everything works fine."

CIL's Boss: "That makes complete sense, and I'm not sure why we weren't doing that from the beginning. Let's make that happen, CIL."

CIL: "Okay."

——

👨🏽‍💻🤷🏽‍♂️🤦🏽‍♂️

Client : Can you make some adblock?
Me : Why? There is a lot of good things already...
C : I mean... Listen carefully.
M : ok
C: i have some google ads and user blocks with adblock
M : yeah, that is normal
C : so i implemented adblock blocker which blocks adblock so that i can show the webpage plus ads when the user disables adblock.
M : i bet users hate that.
C : yeah, so users found out a way to disable adblock blocker which disables adblock blocker which i implemented to show the ads! So i cant earn revenue..
M : so what?
C : Can you make ad block block block block?
M : Sure. How much will you give me ?
C : 20 to 30 dollars
M : great ( the most generous client ever seen)

*couple of years later*

Client : can you make ad block block block block block block block block block block?
Me : i cant understand
C : count the number of block
If there is odd number of block i means to block ads.
If there is even number of block ads, it means to show ads making user to disable ads.
M : so just tldr your request this time
C : even number
M : ok how much will you pay
C : 20 to 30 dollars

*next day*
C : can you..
M : offline

Who in the fucking world made ads, made adblock and made adblock block?

Reading devRant feed is so fucking hard nowadays. Every other rant is about Windows rebooting, Google being evil, Quantum beating Chrome, M$ users being cunts and all these fanboy shits.

Fucking hell. Write some actual code and rant about some solid problems rather than being a stupid fanboy.

Me: good morning, what can I help you with?
Client: I THINK REMOVED SOMETHING AND NOW ALL MY EMAIL IS GONE. HELP.
M: okay sir, do you have the domain for m....
C: HEY WAIT IT'S BACK NEVER MIND THANKS BYE
M: Oh tha....
*click*

😆

So I have been temporarily assigned to new team .. moving from mainly backend.. to help the Web team ..

Me .: Aight guys .. what we working with ?
Team: MVC .net
Me: awesome ..
Team: but we have our own version of MVC .
Me : 🤔 your own MVC ?
Team: yeh we only buse controllers.. but no models at all ?
Me.: 😲 So where does the view gets its data from ?
Team : from Azure functions apps.
M: how ?
T: ( in very proud tone ) .. we use js to call all functions.
M: so why not just use HTML pages . Why MVC then !
T: coz MVC is modern architecture design.
M: but you not using it and all of calles to the functions are exposed publicly.
T: 🧐 THIS IS MODERN DESIGN !!
M: 🤪 My bad .. what the hell do I know ! I only been developing MVC applications for 7 years !!
Please tell me more about your " Modern Design "
🤮🤮🤮

Me(m) vs Apple(a)

m - hey apple!
a -
m - apple?
a - oh yeah, who are u?
m - umm, titan?
a - titan who?
m - titanlan- .. umm nevermind . hi , i am a developer :D
a - developer ? hah.. get out.
m - but wait, I want to develop apps for you! I have been developing android apps for last one year and i love mobile dev! wanna talk more on this ?
a - umm.. ugh ok. so you wanna develop apps?
m- yes!, i am doing great at java an-..
a- yeah wait. we don't have that in here. we use swift
m -Oh. no worries , the principles are the same i will watch some free youtube vids and have a plugin for studio or vsco-..
a- yeah wait you can't do that too.we don't have plugins
m - Really, no plugin? then where do people develop ios apps?
a- xcode
m - Oh , how stupid of me , an IDE of course. anyways i can simply install it in my windows or linux an-..
a - nope, you can't do that.
m - what? then where does it run?
a -macOS
m -Oh, then surely you might have some distro or-
a - nope, buy a mac. pass $3000
m- wha-? i just want to run your bloody IDE!
a- oh honey, your $3000 will be totally worth it, you will love it!
m- but i haven't even started making an app, leave alone publishing it.
a- oh, that will cost you another $100 . plus if you wanna test your apps, make sure it runs in our latest , fragile iphones otherwise we won't publish it. that will cost another $1500
m- what? but I already have a fine , high tech laptop and a smartphone!

a- yeah you can dump that

FML. how the fuck is apple living and thriving? lots of selfish motives and greeds i guess? because i don't see a single place where they are using the word "free" or "cheap" .

Here's a recent interview I had for an Android Developer job:
I: Interviewer, M: Me

I: hello, welcome
M: hi, thanks

I: do you know Kotlin?
M: yes, I've been working with it for 1.5 years and have written 3 projects in it

I: do you know RxJava, Dagger, Retrofit, and how to make Custom Views?
M: yes, I'm comfortable with them *explains*

I: do you know Room?
M: yes I do, I've done a lot of practices in it, but unfortunately have never needed to use it in production

I: what architecture do you use? Do you know MVP?
M: I'm currently using MVVM, but not MVP. I've debugged projects in it so I know what's going on in it

I: ok, do you have any questions for us?
M: how did I do?

I: I'm sorry sir, but you're not even a junior here
M: what? Why is that?

I: well you don't know Room and MVP?
M: I said I know them, just haven't used them in production.

I: well you have 3 years of experience but you dont even know Kotlin!
M: Kotlin was your first question and I said I have 3 projects in it. Did you even check the samples you asked for in the job posting?

I: SIR YOU'RE NOT A GOOD FIT FOR US, THANK YOU FOR COMING.

:/

Boss: I need to know how much resources a server would need to serve 20000 users at the same time

Me: Sure, can I see the webapp?

B: There's not one yet

M: Ok, can I see its documentation then?

B: There is none

M: But ot depends on the programming language, libraries used, what kin-

B: It's an e-commerce. Try browsing Amazon and see how much they nees to handle the page requests.

Me: *still processing* wh-

Boss: I have to give an estimate to a client within 30 minutes. Hurry.

So.... Uh... I guess i have to hack Amazon now?

Had this recently with a client, mysql server of one of our shared hosting servers went down:

Senior engineer 1: heads up guys, mysql of {server name} is down, working on it! *calls second engineer in*
Support people: thanks for letting know! (in case clients call about it)

*triiiingggg*
Me: good afternoon, how can I help you?
Client: this site which we manage for a shared customer says it can't connect to the database...
M: is it hosted on {server name of mysql problems}
C: yes.
M: there's a mysql disruption there right now, we're working on it!
C: *starts guilt tripping me about thy they chose us for stability reasons and now this happens*
M: sir, I can't change this situation so you can go on and on about that but it's not going to help anyone.
C: okay, so what can I tell my client?
M: you can tell that we have a mysql server disruption right now and are working to fix it as soon as possible!
C: and what am I going to tell my client if they don't accept that answer?
M: you can tell that we are fixing this disruption as soon as possible.
C: yes you said that but what if they don't accept that answer, what am I going to tell them THEN?!
M: Listen, sir. We have a disruption right now. It's not fun but whether I tell this by writing it to you in a fairy tail or shout it at you, it's not going to make a difference.
We have a disruption and we are working on i....

*click*

Well, fuck you too.

Parents:why is my iPad so slow?

Me: It's old (1st gen that came out in 2010)

P:well just clean it up and make it go faster

M:Theres nothing to clean... Theres only a browser app and solitaire....

P: well just fix it so it's faster

M:....... *turns it off and on again*

M: All fixed

Teacher: Homework for next time is to make 2 web pages with three javascript.
* whole class is quiet *
Me: What's "three JavaScript"
T: undefined
M: Do you mean three files?
T: No, I mean three JavaScript.
M: Okay, so let's go with five CSS and twelve HTML as well then...

Please, go somewhere else when you can't explain your OWN HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT. Holy fuck.

Lamer rant

For a really long time I said to myself that this is too basic to rant about but lately it became so frequent and extreme that here is my rant about completely clueless users that ask me IT related questions.

Disclaimer: Said users are people that I generally can't avoid. Distant family members, neighbors and etc.

Case 0:
U: I don't know what's happening!! The computer doesn't work!!
M: What do you mean?
U: There's no Facebook! And everything is stuck and no messenger!!!
M: The WiFi on your laptop was off. I turned it on. Still, this doesn't mean that the pc wasn't working.
U: I don't understand this shit!!!

Case 1:
U: I hate this computer!!! It never works!!! Help meeee!!!
M: What now?
U: Where did the internet disappear?!
M: (assuming it's wifi or browser related)
Actually user moved the Chrome window to bottom-right corner and lost it.

Every time I try to show the user how I resolve the issue the user yells that there are too many steps, that they are complicated and that I'm a bad teacher and doing it too fast.

Case 2:
U: My computer is so slow! It barely can load google translate! And I can't listen to music on youtube!! Shitty laptop! It's you! Your computers in the apartment drain everything!!!
M: You have no idea what you are talking about.
U: My husband told me that your computers are heavy and drain everything!
M: What exactly did he tell you that my devices drain?
U: I don't know! All the energy! I believe him! He knows!
M: My computers drain less electricity than your vacuum and I have a separate internet connection. Not only we share nothing but also I drain nothing.
U: Since you appeared all the computers are slow!!!!

Fkk...

Case 3:
U: I don't understand, where is my whatsapp?
M: You can't locate the app on your phone?
U: Yes! F*ck, help me! I'm so angry and I really need this NOW!!!
M: Shut up. I'm already here and helping.
(I open users phone and whatsapp is the active app...)
U: I can' t find my whatsapp with Clara!

F*ck you! F*ck you! Ghckjfshij!!!

Case 4:
(crazy hitting on my door)
U: I don't have THE internet!!!
It's you again! You took all of THE internet!!!
M: No, it doesn't work like that. Your provider is bad, your package is cheap and your cables are of low quality.
U: I need THE internet immediately!!! Stop playing with your typing and fix the facebook or I'll cut the power cables to the house!!

I can go on, just don't think that recalling all those events is healthy for me.

Dad calls:
D: Hai, so, um, my pc's not booting up.
Me: So?
D: What do I do now?
M: You tried fixin' it?
D: That's why I'm calling you.
M: I'm 400km away from you. Does it do anything by pressing a power-on button?
D: No. But I touched it, it's really hot.
M: When was the last time you cleaned that shit up?
D: I have to clean it?
*PC is located at dusty environment at work. 5 years old and is being turned on 6 days a week*

Clean. Your. Pc.
Oh, and yeah, it overheated, burned the mbo, power suply, and cpu cooler stopped spinning.
It's like Satan threw a curse on a pc, and took a piss on it.
The best part? He's mad because I "never help him nor have time when he needs something to be fixed".
He can fix the PC in a pc shop that is across the street.

So, you doin' any better this week?

So i sent my bill to the client yesterday and:

C: the amount is too high i can’t pay this
M: but you validate the number of working days
C: but the amount is huge ... nevermind i’ll pay you because you are good guy
M: ...

Friend gave this self made "pocket advent calendar" to me (has 24 m&m's in it)

*me to her: aww thank you thats so sweet!
*OCD to me: but she could have aligned that numbers...
*me to me: and that's one more reason you're single

Sister: "Can you fix my computer?"

Me: "What's wrong?"

S: *explains the issue

Me: *types that into Google and shows her the search results

S: *gives me the look

M: "This is seriously what I do to fix a lot of my problems 🧚"

!rant
So it turns out that my dad accidentally took my spare laptop on a work trip. He's about as non-tech as you can get, and that laptop runs...Arch Linux. Yeah.

(call from dad)
M: hi dad
D: what's your desktop password?
M: (confused) {Password}
D: okay.
(cuts the call)

M: *shrug*

(call from dad)
M: hi dad
D: so where is PowerPoint?! where's the Windows button?! I've been at this for half an hour now and I have to edit a presentation for tomorrow!!
M: (realizes what's happened) oh...uh...dad...that's.. Linux...
D: don't you people do anything the way it's supposed to be done?
M: uh...
D: ugh! So you can't edit PPTs on this?
M: (processing...LibreOffice isn't installed on the laptop, and he will have to use the command line to connect to the internet to use Office Online or Google Slides since the Deepin WiFi module keeps fucking up for some reason)
D: well?
M: (internal sigh) No, you can't edit PPTs on that.
D: wow.
(cuts the call)

He either thinks we're all useless or that we have godlike computer skills to be able to edit PPTs on Linux. Oh well.

(He managed to use the hotel's "workstation" to get it done, so all is well. I should tell him to change his password though, hotel computers have rubbish security.)

School principal : P / Me : M / Interviewer over Skype : S

P. I recently heard you run a software club in our school.
M. Yes. (started from March)
P. Well, one software community seems that he found you somewhere, and asked me if we can do a quick interview.
M. Sure. What is it?
P. So he will connect to skype.
M. Let's start then...

*A few moments later...*
M. Wwwwhhhhaaaaattttttt?
P. Calm down! What's the problem?
M. How can I have more than 5 years of android development?
S. Ok. Recorded. Next question.
M. (uhhh)
*A few moments later...*
M. What? Why in the heck do I use subversion?........
Yes... Ah... Ummm....
No! Why should i make a gui client for subversion?
*A few moments later...*
S. Do you have hacking experience?
M. Of what? I know hacking is illegal here..
S. Like... Anything!
M. Do YOU have an experience?
S. Yup.
M. What?
S. Google.
M. How?
S. (silence) Ok. Let's move on.
M. (wtf is this guy)
*A few moments later...*
S. Okay. We were about to hire you but you didnt met our job requirements.
M. ......What? What was the job?
S. Web developer Intern
M. I got no questions regarding "web".
S. I know devs should be great at all things.
M. Shut the hell up. What company are you?
S. (says something)
M. (Searches in google) Doesnt come in search results.
S. Where did you searched it? (trembling voice)
M. (Searches in naver, search engine of korea) Nothing. Are you sure you are a company?
S. (ends call)

Hate these fake interviews. And i have no idea how they found my school
I never wrote my school anywhere.

Android : devRant is consuming too much power in background
Me : Say what ??
A : I said devRant is consuming too much pow.................
M : Who the fuck told you to rant about it
*Turns the phone off

No one speaks ill of devRant and lives long enough to tell about it.

Want to Google io earlier this month and a senior director at Google game a presentation and used a chrome dino for a demo and after I found him on LinkedIn and asked her m where I could buy one and he asked for my address and sent me one for free. Idc what any of you say Google is really cool for doing this.

Wife: commit, and come to bed..
Me:
> git commit -m "wife wants me to go to bed"
> git push origin master -f

Why the fuck did I set up GitHub and all the deploy scripts if your just going to fucking ignore it and edit directly on the server?!?
"Oh, I ran out of time"
DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW SIMPLE GIT IS?!?!?
"git add file
git commit -m 'Queef farm'"
AND YOU'RE DONE!

M: Me
FAC : Fucking annoying colleague
1.
FAC: Hey how did you set up your microservices?
M: I used docke...
FAC: But docker is hard to setup, i want an easier option
2.
FAC: Which services do you have?
M: I have one service for the api, one with redi..
FAC: Redis is not a service
3.
FAC: Do you use AWS API gateway?
M: No, in set up my ow..
FAC: why would you set up your own? I just use the one from AWS.
4.
FAC: How many instances are you have running
M: I have 5 replic...
FAC: 5 replicas? That's why i hate microservices,they are costly
5.
FAC: How did you divide up your app?
M: Since I am starting, its better to run the monolithic and then break it up lat...
FAC: I knew it,you don't actually use microservices
6.
M:(thinking)* Fucker, if you know it well why are you fucking disturbing me?? *

Co-worker: "Should we keep this server up and running?"
Me: "Hmmm…"
C: "Do we have any other uses for it than the dedicated wiki?"
M: "Not really, and maybe it's time to move to the centralised platform Corporate™ introduced. Have we checked if anyone is using the server?"
C: "Good point, let me see…"
C: "… oh it's been down for last two weeks since the power outage."
M: "I think that answers the question. Let's leave it like this for a month more and if no one complains we can announce it dead"

*goes to the local town hall to get my new ID*

A week ago:
Clerk: Sorry sir, our systems don't work anymore, we can't process your request!
Me: Epic. Is there any sysadmin in here that can fix this pronto?
C: No it's a centrally managed system. It's managed by the people in ${another town}.
M (thinking): Well how about you fucking call them then, fucking user. Screaming blood and fire when nothing is wrong server-side but doing nothing when there is. Fucking amazing, useless piece of shit.

One week later, i.e. today:
M: Hey, I'd like to renew my ID card. I've got this announcement document here and my current ID card.
C: Oh no I don't need the announcement document. I need your PIN and PUK code letter.
M (thinking): What the fuck do you need that for.. isn't that shit supposed to be my private information..?
*gives PIN and PUK part of the letter*
C: Alright, to register your new ID card, please enter your PUK and then your PIN in this card reader here twice.
M: Sure, but I'd like to change both afterwards. After all they're written on this piece of paper and I'm not sure that just destroying that will be enough.
C: Sure sure you can change them. Please authenticate with the codes written on the paper.
*Authenticates*
C: So you'd like to change your codes, right?
M: Yeah but I'd like to change it at home. You know, because I can't know for sure that this PC here is secure, the card reader has a wired connection to your PC (making it vulnerable to keyloggers) and so on.
C: Impossible. You can't change your PIN at home. (What about the PUK?!)
M: But I've done that several times with my Digipass for my previous passport.. it is possible and I've done it myself.
C: Tut tut, impossible. I know it's impossible and therefore it is.
M (thinking): Thanks for confirming that I really shouldn't enter my personal PIN on your fucking PC, incompetent bitch.
M: Alright, I'll just keep this PIN, try at home and if it's really impossible because the system changed to remove this functionality (which I highly doubt, that'd be really retarded), I'll come back later.
(Just to get rid of this old stupid woman's ignorance essentially.)
C: Sure sure...
Me: I'd also like to register as an organ donor. Where can I do that?
C: That'd be over there. *points to the other room in the town hall*

FUCKING THANK YOU LORDS OF THE WICKED RAVEN AND THE LIBERATED TUX, TO GET ME AWAY FROM THAT STUPID FUCKING BITCH!!!

.. anyway. I've got my new ID and I'm an official organ donor now 🙂

My second job. I've been hired as a research specialist, not a developer, but they found out I could code during the interview.

Boss: hey, so we have our main product line that shares the control panel for all the models, right?
Me: unh, yeah
B: well, we need to know how it works.
M: sorry?
B: yeah, I mean, we should have a manual with all the tech documentation so we know how everything works
M: ...and didn't you handle the tech docs to the developers?
B: uh...no, actually we requests feature to the devs (note: external company) with a phone call, or email...now we need the specs.
Me: omg

...

The other company (which is part of the same group) handles me the source code.
It is a huge, 25k lines of spaghetti written by at least 7 people, one at a time, uncommented.
After a month I produce a 50page doc with how everything works, after actually compiling my resignation letter 3 times.

M: boss, here the docs
B: fine, I'll take a look
15 mins later
B: this is not what we need! You cannot describe those algorithm like this!
( I described the algorithms with their block flow, with a punctual verbal description)
M: umh.. So how do you need it?
B: we need an excel table, with all the entering conditions on the rows and all the exit conditions in columns, and the description of the condition of work in the crossing cells!
M: are you even serious?

I generally like to separate changes into as many commits as is reasonable. That way I can go back and see how, why, when and what was changed, along with meaningful commit messages.

But sometimes...
Git add *
Git commit -m "changed lots of stuff"

God I hate myself.

Clients can such cheapskates, client asks me for hosting options, I suggest Webfaction ($10/m), decent service, storage etc. Client goes and buys ($20/year) hosting, storage space 2GB. Client has 2.9GB worth of emails. Now am charging said client ($110) for migration.

So... m starting my internship tomorrow. 4 months, 6-8 hours a day, 5 days a week.
M VERY anxious and quite frightened to b honest.
Wish me luck guys 😨😨😅😅

It is kinda what I wanted though... contains web parts but also C++ 😍
Tech stack: c++, JS, Python 😅

Customer : c
Me : m

*Few weeks ago*
C: the server is slow, it sometimes takes 7 seconds before I see our data

(the project is 7+ years old and wasn't written by someone who is very good in SQL)

M: yeah I see that, our servers are busy with this one "process" (SQL query)
C: make it faster
M: well that's possible but it will take a few days (massive SQL spaghetti that I first have to untangle)
C: 😡 nvm then

*Yesterday*
C: server is down !
M: 🤔 *loads data from server and waits ~ 7 seconds*
M: Well what's the problem?
C: I need the data but it's so slow

WELL YOU MINDLESS IMBECILE... If something is slow it doesn't mean our god damn production server is down !
That just means that you have to give us a day or two so we can optimise the (ALSO BY YOUR REQUEST) rushed project... And save you YOUR money that YOU waste on the processing time on our server...

Nothing technical

Just wanna share with my devrant family.

Now I have own restaurant.
Ya ya I know it's nothing techie but I m happy that I own some business and I will test my entrepreneur skills here.

Fucking happy.

> git commit -m 'fixing what I broke earlier'
> git pish
> git: 'pish' is not a git command. See 'git --help'.

Did you mean this?
push
> you know I meant push, why can't you leave me alone and just do it

Friend = F
Me = M

F: We should combine everything that's awesome with stackoverflow and slack together.
M: that sounds like a really bad idea.
F: We can call it SLACKOVERFLOW ~laughs maniacally~
M: I think you've drank too much tonight dude...

Small Me(m): learning some basic code
Senior Dev(d): *walks by and sees my code*
m: hey got any advice on this?
d: learn to use regular expression. *walks away*
m: 30min later... *Mind blown*

And coffee of course ☕

The ultimate "I am vegan" guy will be arch linux user, vegan, trans, crossfitter and cryptocurrency investor. I've just met guy like this in my job. He did not shut up for a while. I am not sure whats he doing and whats his job but my guess is that hes paid for spreading cancer, sucidal toughts and eatig your will to live and talk with people...

R - retard
M - me

R: Hey CopyPasteCode I found this bug, it does 'this' insted of 'this'. *spreads arms to see his "muscles"*
M: *headphones off* Ok, I will look into it... *headphones back on*
R: Btw you invested something in the crypto, didnt you? Ive invested... ...bitcoin... ...crypto... ...litecoin..., do you think that... ...something... ...bla bla bla?
M: *tries not to kill myself after his 5 minutes of monolog* Ye sure
R: By the way Ive found this awesome vegan restaurant that accepts litecoin, would you like to come sometime?
M: *10 minutes monolog about vegan food and shit. At this point I want to die* Ok, I will now work on that back, see you later.
R: ye sure bro (wtf, "bro"?)... *looks like hes walking away* *teleports on my otger side touching my monitor*
WOW you are also a Limux user? 😮 Ivr installed arch linux this weekand and its so awesome, *another 6 minutes of monolog*
M: *smiling and preparing to kill him or myself* Nice, awesome *fake smile*
R: Anyway, I gotta go (FINALLY!!!), btw, I am going to the *name of local trans and gay club*, wanna go with me?
M: *after a month after a breakup with my GF (because she was cheating on me) which everyone in the office knew...)* Not really *trying to thing how to say "fuck off" without having meeting with HR*, I cant, I already have somethimg.
R: Oh, ok. Btw, you are rly cool bro (again), we should hang. We should hangout more often...

I hope someone is paying me for loosing 27 minutes with this guy.

Typical TSA (Airport Security)

Security: Please put all of your handheld objects and your outer clothes in this basket.
Me: (puts my bag, in flight luggage, and takes out laptop, bluetooth speaker, bluetooth mouse, bluetooth keyboard, tablet, android phone, dongle bag, and windows phone)
S: (stares at me as if I am a rich kid)
M: May I go through?
S: (nods)
M: (smirks, and goes through metal detector)
BeepBeepBeep!
M: (oh shit.)
Scanning Officer: Raise your hand!
M: Mmmhmm
S: (Hovers the detection stick around my body, but it doesn't ring, tells me to pass through the detector again. Still rings. Super confused. Asks me to do this 2-3 times more. Still same.)
M: Aha! I have my bluetooth earphones here! Sorry!
S: (stares at me, as if he is saying what a f****** weirdo)
My stuff comes out. I put my devices in the bag. The scanning officer stares at me.
M: (smirks)

To be continued....

Dear Managers,
This is not efficient:

Boss: * calls *
Me: * answers *
B: there's a bug in feature ABC! The form doesn't work!
M: ABC uses a lot of forms. Is it Form A, B, or C?
B: Umm... let's just go on a Zoom call!
* 5 minutes trying to set up a Zoom call *
* 3 more minutes trying to find the form *
B: This form in here.
M: It works fine for me. What data are you inputting?
B: * takes 5 minutes trying to reproduce the bug * (in the meantime, the call is basically an awkward silence)

You spent 5 minutes wasting both of our times trying to set up a Zoom meeting, and another 8 wasting MY tine trying to find the bug.

This is efficient:
B: There is a bug in form C. If I try to upload this data, it malfunctions.
M: Thank you. I'll look into it.

You saved me 8 minutes of staring at a screen and saved us both another 5 minutes of setting up a meeting.

Don't want to break your commit streak on Github.
So you change one line and :-
git add .
git commit -m "Minor Tweak"
git push

VOILA ! the box is green for today . *Evil Smile*

I have those conversations with my coworkers about once a day. We use Linux at work and I am the only one with any real Linux experience.

C: I have a problem! I tried and googled everything already! Come help me...
M: *slowly walks over to their PC*
M: *copy-pastes the error into Google*
M: *clicks the first result*
M: *presses two buttons*
*everything works again*
M: So you tried Google already, have you?

When I leave there (it's a PhD position and I'm almost done) they will probably crash and burn...

When I first started using Git, I didn't understand the purpose of the 'commit message' and branches.

So I automated the 'git add .', 'git commit -m "update"' and 'git push origin master' so I could update my git repo faster, with one command 😂

Me passing time on the weekend

Random call from unknown number

Turns out it's the manager

M: hey , how is your weekend going ...

Me: nothing much ... Whatsup ?

M : yeah well , we wanted to push some minor adhoc fixes as some clients wanted it urgently

The Devops folks need developer support . Can you pitch in and monitor

Me : I'm not aware of what changes are going , i don't think i can provide support

M : don't worry it's minor changes , it's already tested in pre prod , you just need to be on call for 30 mins

Me : ugh okay .. guess 1 hr won't hurt

M: thanks 👍🏽

Me: *logs in

*Notices the last merged PR
+ 400 lines , implemented by junior dev and merged by manager

*Wait , how is this a *minor* release...

*Release got triggered already and the CI CD pipeline is in progress

*5 mins later

*Pipeline fails , devops sends email - test coverage below 50%

Manager immediately pitches in ...

M: hey , i see test coverage is down , can you increase it ?

Me: and how do u suppose I do that ?

M : well it's simple just write UTC for the missing lines ... Will it take time ?

Me : * ah shit here we go again

Yeah it will take time , there are around 400 lines , I am not aware of this component all together

Can you ask junior dev to pitch in and write the UTC for this

*Actually junior dev is out on a vacation with his girlfriend

M : well he's out for the weekend , but
as a senior dev , i expect you to have holistic understanding of the codebase and not give excuses ,
this is a priority fix which client are demanding we need this released ASAP

Me : * wait wat ?

---

I ended up being online for next 3 hours figuring out the code change and bumping up the UTC 🤦🏾

When the code is so bad that the only meaningful thing to do should be executing
rm -Rf *; git add -A; git commit -m "bugfix"
and then start the project again.

ENE = Entitled New Engineer
M = Manager

EOE: "I've been here 6 months and I know how everything works. Can we talk about a promotion?"
M: "No, now begins the period wherein, through your labor, you repay us for overpaying you while you got up to this point."

C=consultant
M=Me
D=my Dumb boss

M: so how are you guys planning to implement the block all accounts feature?
C: oh it should be easy! We will just loop over every account and lock it!
M: what about implementing a flag that just blocks anyone from accessing the site till further notice?
C: what? I’m sure it’ll work. Just need a list of all accounts, we don’t need anything fancy!
M: what happens when we want to revert back to the pre-block state?
C: oh, so we will just unblock everybody
M: even people who were previously blocked for good reasons?
C: i guess so, unless you think otherwise
M: we r….
D: listen! We just need to be able to block all accounts, who cares about this details! So long as we block all accounts! We need this nuclear option in case something bad happens…
M: but what about when that bad thing passes and…
D: when it passes it passes who cares!

Arghhh so much rage here… like first at the stupid engineering design of looping over all of the accounts instead of using a simple flag. Like 1 http call (from one microservice to another) is a lot better than O(n)… not to mention, we won’t have to deal with failures and retries.

And second for my boss being a dumbass… ok you deal with being to afraid to unblock people after we used this “genius nuclear option”!

Currently developing an android app that is a clone for an existing iOS app. Sadly all the PMs and POs (the P-M/O fraction) at this firm are somehow iPhone users.
So every time we implement stuff according to android guidelines some PMO comes around and asks: "why doesn't this look/work/smell like in iOS?"
Somedays I feel like crying...

Me and colleague went to coffee shop to work...
C -> colleague
M -> Me

...
C: "do you know what I tell myself when I want to gain the courage to talk to a girl I like?":
M: (gave it some thought) "No what?"
C: "If internet explorer has the courage to ask me to become the default browser! Then what am I afraid of?"
M: "No wonder your relationships are buggy! And full of insecurities!"

This happened today...
Manager: how long this is going to take?
Dev: 3 months
M: cool! 3 weeks then
D: no.. This is quite complicated and most of us are unfamiliar with the topics. It'll take us 2 weeks just to get started
M: drop the unit tests then. Just get the features done in 3 weeks. We have customers waiting
D: that's a bad idea. We'll end up with unstable co..
M: oh we also need to complete documentation, release guide, and this [shitty feature no one care about]
D: but that is even more complex. We don't have enough ti..
M: just copy it from stackoverflow. It'll only take 5 minutes guys

Worst part? This guy is technically sound and understands our pain really well. He is just acting dumb and trying to put the blame on us when the higher management asks

Second worst part? The whole team keeps silent when I try to convince him somehow and starts ranting after he leaves the call

Casual workday be like:

Project manager: It is important we deliver these features.

Me & Coworker: Sounds reasonable, here is how long we need, roughly.

Mgr: Well, the deadline is already set and the contract is signed and written.

M&C: Ummm...

Mgr: Also, while we are hosting the application, we are not paid for operational cost, so make sure to optimise the crap out of it immediatly. Preferably while developing the features.

(A wild architect appears): Also everything has to be built on cans and kubernuts, with rectangular ui and bootstyling and with these internally developed backend frameworks NOBODY tests. Coroporate policy you know.

(A wilder division CEO appears on meeting): Also we are rolling out code KPI's across the organisation. Everyone is expected to Focus on documentation, test coverage and there is now mandatory SonarQube scanning of repos. ZERO DEFECTS PEOPLE

M&C: ...

(Wildest Salesteam appears): By the way we sold the application to these other customers, they love feature XYZ and must have it.

M&C: It does not have feature XYZ

Mgr: It will have feature XYZ

M&C: Allright so with all the extra funding from the sales, we need to hire atleast one Machine learning guy, an extra frontend specialist a developer and maybe funnel some of the funding into slacking the operational budget in the start.

Animated Suit *Railing a line of coke from his gold plated ihpone 15*: What funding? Get to work. Also your havent been super sharp with your time registration.

April fools by M$. (it had reset and off them not just this one)

N: Me
M: Mother

M: Can you help me? I can't update pages.

N: Sure *Checks problem* it looks like you installed it with the old apple account, you just need to reinstall it using your new one.

M: What about all my pages documents on icloud?

N: *Compares documents on mac to her other Apple devices that never had the old account* See? The documents would have to be on the new account.

M: Are you sure? I don't want to lose any documents.

N: I know, don't worry their on your new iCloud.

M: *Calls apple support*

N: *Talks to apple support who after an hour of chatting to her through me because I translate customer support to mother confirms what I was telling her*

N: Reinstalls pages and everything is fine.

I was originally going to make a post talking a bit about how people love to second guess anything I say but thought this story provides a decent example. When it's something of a personal nature or someone is asking for my opinion in genral then it's perfectly reasonable to ask multiple people. It doesn't bother me when someone asks for my help, it bugs the shit out of me when someone asks for my help and then doubts everything I say in this case even after providing some evidence to back up my claim and wasting a solid hour. If you ask for my help your trusting that I have the knowledge necessary to assist, if I don't know for certain I'll try googling the problem but even in that case calling support doesn't bother me because I clearly don't know how to help.

P.S. This was my first story, how did I do?

I love it when a fellow "dev" asks about some interesting security topic (full disk encryption) and I'm like "yeah I use LUKS pretty much everywhere".. and then takes an entire arm when given a hand.

Performance in LUKS? Yeah sure you can benchmark it within cryptsetup. Here's how to do it and choose a good cipher for your CPU.

D: Oh also how do I check my battery life?
M (thinking): you lazy fucking piece of shit.
M: FUCKING GOOGLE IT
D: Obviously that means that you don't know it.
M (thinking): so not only lazy but also disgustingly ungrateful, fucking twat.
M: acpi. Next time fucking Google it.
D: You know what? Never mind.

As if I'm the one that's fucking wrong now!! But you know what, never mind indeed. Because you've successfully wasted my fucking time instead of fucking googling "check battery life Linux" like a sensible dev would.

Fellow "dev", if you're on devRant I hope you read this. You can seriously go fuck yourself.

does every computer guy has this sitting problem....

for the record i do
and i never notice that unless and until i m finished with my work😂😂😂😂😂😂

On reccomendation of @chabad360 I made this its own rant.

I switched from marketing to CS (complete with a three year degree, no Bootcamp). I still went to interviews as you'd expect a marketing man to go; in a suit. Commence the weirdest interview.

$I: interviewer
$M: Me

I: "You're not the typical engineer. Can you talk to real engineers?"

M: "could you elaborate"

I:"you're dressed in a suit. That leads me to think you're a MS user. Do you think you could talk to real, ie. Linux using engineers?"

M: " well, I haven't used windows in about a year soo..

I: "Mac isn't Linux."

M: "I'm aware. I've switched to Ubuntu so I could use KVM-QEMU android emulator with GPU pass through to train Deep Convolution Networks on mobile devices. Also had to compile Google's internal build tool because it had bugs I had to fix so I could compile the APK."

I: "ah, Ubuntu eh? **Insert Smirk** How about a follow-up?"

M: "no, I'm switching to Gentoo this week and would like to talk to real engineers about that."

I thanked him for the coffee and left.

Last night my boss played with our access points in the warehouse for a client, he messed something up and they stopped working.

I asked a person from our service to fix them

Service: he fucked something up again?
Me: yup
S: can you fix them?
M: yup
S: then why ask me?
M: it's not my job 😂

He swapped them, and got mad.

This morning there was this window cleaner again, that actually made me remember a rant from the old box - my previous account. Repost of that coming in an hour or so :3

Turns out that he came in the morning, and I completely forgot about it. The only appointment that I had today got canceled so I was like, eh fuck it. There's been this family event yesterday that made me so fucking tired... I'll just stay in bed for a little while longer.

Apparently that window cleaner ringed my bell multiple times, haven't heard him do it but anyway.. he and the cleaning lady had the genius idea to ask my landlord whether they can just barge in my home. Way to start the day, isn't it? I thought there were burglars.

In my bathrobe and visibly pissed off (I am NOT a morning person!), I let him do the window cleaning and waited for them to get the fuck out already. Then that cleaning lady, the fucking bitch that called my landlord to break into my home without MY prior permission!!! While the window cleaner was doing his work, she proceeds to ask me this.

Cleaning lady: "I had this technical issue earlier, and since you are good with phones I thought I'd ask you."
Me (thinking): oh, here it comes.. *rolling eyes*
M: "What's the issue?"
CL: "Well my stepson has an iPhone, which he broke and we brought it to a smartphone repair shop. They repaired it twice but an hour after receipt of the fixed phone, it breaks again."
M (t): You went wrong at iPhone, and you went wrong at visiting that incompetent mofo "teknishan" twice.
M: "Well I have no experience whatsoever with iPhones, but continue."
CL: "Well, he replaced the motherboard, and some pin at the bottom.."
M (t): The fucking motherboard of all things. The whole fucking motherboard?! The last thing that I'd look at, he just replaces like that?! Fucking piece of shit. That's even worse than Apple stores. And what's up with that goddamn pin? CAN'T YOU POSSIBLY BE A BIT MORE SPECIFIC?!
M: "Given only this information, I have no idea what's wrong with it."
CL: "But you are good with these things, aren't you?!"
M: "I disassemble my own broken phones, and dick around with their motherboards. That, while I'm fully aware that in the process I can break it beyond repair. That does not make me an expert on every phone out there."
CL: …

Well what did you even expect, fucking bitch. You barge into my home, don't even have the dignity to leave for me to be able to shower and dress myself, and then you go ask shit like that? Go suck my fucking cock, and shove that iPaperweight down your ass!! How about that?!

brain: ABSTRACTION ABSTRACTION ABSTRACTION too much ABSTRACTION!

me: jeez calm down a lil i just deployed a boilerplate ember web app with cli tools with next to nothing amount of 'my' code.

b: YES U SUCKER THAT'S WHAT WENT WRONG U DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT THE LIL STUFF THAT HAPPENS BEHIND THE SCENES THE FUCK MAN U CALL YOURSELF A CS STUDENT YOU CAN'T EVEN WRITE A COMPILER YET

m: sooo remember when we were studying logic gates and binary conversions and you sigkilled all my threads cuz it was 'boring'?

b: why yes why do you ask

m: WELL that's where we'll end up again if you don't stop nagging me about going down. Trust me, I KNOW how to starve you and you'll beg me to use Python again. You start making advanced data structures in C and the next thing you know you're writing assembly code 'just for fun'.
I have a hackathon coming right up and I have to use a framework or my team loses the advantage. Are we good?

b: well if you put it that way...BUT AFTER THAT YOU'RE TAKING ME TO AN ALGORITHM SESSION

m: *eerily stares at the dusty book in the corner*
you... have a deal

One day, I spoke to my team which yubi or nitro key to get.

Senior (s) : but what do you need it for?
Me (m) : for encryption. And securing our password managers. Stuff, I guess.
S : encryption is not gonna be a thing. It hasn't and it won't.
M : *leaves*

I've been so baffled I couldn't cope with the situation.
A few weeks later I left the company. There were too many of such people and those products.

Customer: Do you have a 2GB RAM stick?

Me: Yes, we do. Do you know what you have and what you need?

Customer: Yes, I have a one-zero-two-four M-B stick and a two-zero-four-eight M-B stick.

Me: So... a 10-24 Meg stick and a 20-48 Meg stick

Customer: Yes.

Me: Ok.... and do you know if it's going to be DDR2 or...?

Customer: Yes, DDR2.

Me: Okay, yes, we do have some. And will you want us to install it?

Customer: No. I can install it. I've been putting computers together for 30 years, so I think I can do it.

TEAM is the magic word:
T – Teach.
E – Educate.
A – And.
M – Motivate.

Lots of fun open source stuff, but I had a lot of fun working on a survey taking m&m dispenser. The goal was to encourage students to answer survey questions that would help the faculty get a better idea of what the students found most valuable (different things they wanted to learn, classes they found useless, etc.). So me and another student built this :) Its a node server running on an Intel Galileo, which served up an admin and survey interface using React. When a student answered a survey question, a servo would turn a gear, which interfaced with a rack and pinion that had two little pits in it. When it would slide under the jar, two m&ms would fill the pits, then the rack and pinion would push them out. Then we had a webcam hooked up to the end of it that would compare the colors of the m&ms to see if they were the same. If they were the same, the student would get more m&ms. The gear pieces were 3D printed.

We could never get the webcam stuff to work right with the Galileo because OpenCV (the computer vision library we were using to interact with the webcam) could not be built/compiled on such a specific version of Linux. Later, I was able to do it with a RaspberryPi, but never got it reintegrated.

So lets see if i can get this devrant stuff right.

So a couple of years ago i worked for this company, where i worked in datawarehousing and business intelligence. I was in my 3rd year of working as a software engineer and was full of ideas, motivation and just wanted to do cool stuff.

Anyway, after the first couple of months of working where i learned what they actually wanted to achieve, i got some ideas on how to improve the workflow. They were just simple things, like updating our IDE (we were working with a very old Visual Studio version), getting useful editors, using some more modern ideoms like unittests, continous integration, etc. Simple stuff really.

So in my endless naiveness i went to my supervisor and told him my ideas. He was not particularly interested in my ideas and cut me off somewhere in the middle and said that he would talk to his boss.

So a couple of weeks after that (nothing happened), i went to him again and asked about it.
M:" Hey Bossman, have you thought about my ideas?"
B:"Yes."
M:"And?"
B:"We won't do them."
M:"None of them?"
B:"No."

So at this point i was a bit bummed out, but surely he has a good reason right? So i asked why.

M:"Why?"
B:"Well, because we always have done it the way we do it now."

I think i had a bit of a blank stare at that point, because he looked at me funny. If we would do things like we always have done them, we would be still in the stone age you moron.

God i hate it when people say stuff like that.

man fuck miners. I;m trying to build an budget pc build for my cousin, and every singe meh card is fucking overpriced thanks to miners. I hope they get fucked over in the ass

I m glad I did not throw away this Android mini PC MK808 which I had purchased a few years ago!! i decided to clean the dust today and start it up and now with this I am able to video conference on my TV again 😁

Lenovo, you dumb fuck cunts.
How the fuck did you think it might be okay to ship a laptop with a BROKEN FUCKING WLAN DRIVER??????
This piece of shit doesn't even have RJ45 anymore.
And also who shit in your empty cavities where your brains should be when you thought it was a good thing to disable booting from anything but the main windows partition? My Mint installer stick works on any and everything I have ever tried him with except for this.

Person: What are you doing for living?
Me: I am a software engineer.
P: what does that mean?
M: we build applications and websites. basically
P: like what?
M: I don't have an example now, but when you open your computer and navigate to a website, we build similar things..
P: ahhaaah, so you make computers
M: no no, *open Facebook on my phone* see this is an application, we made applications that run on devices.
P: so make phones, that's cool
M: nooo!
P: so you do nothing !
M: yes 🙄

Thank you for the stickers @dfox @trogus. The duck has been a life saver and the stickers look good with my trusty model M. Proud to support this site and the community! 👍❤️😘

After EVERY. FUCKING. RESTART... I have to delete one of my keyboard layouts and re-add it so Im able to switch between them. Its been a YEAR now! But hey! Notepad has tabs now! M$...Bunch of glue sniffing monkeys...

Interviewer = I, Me = M

I: What is your project all about?

M: It is about reading data from memory of a program and transfer it to output register via a dedicated bus attached inside CPU and then projecting data of registers onto LCD crystals of display.

I: Can you show the working of your project?

M: Runs "hello world" program

Me - 1, Interviewer - Slap on my cheeks with shoe in one hand.

Me: have you tried turning it off and on again?

Customer: oh come on, is that the best you can do!

M:ok how about we
clear all active memory,
Reset the firmware parameters
run system diagnostics and
reinitialise the basic input output system?

C: Wow .. yeah how do we do that?

M: turn it off and on again!

INTERNET EXPLODER AND M$ OS 7 WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING YOU LITTLE PIECE OF CTHULHU SHIT

Fucking tired of hearing the hatred against php. When I began learning php , i didnt know how unpopular it has became and now i' m in the middle of learning laravel, and i see people saying php is not even worth programming in. 😣

TL;DR: a dude thinks good graphics make a game good.

so every day when the school ends, me, a dude and another girl walk home. as expected we have lots of time to talk about anything. I wanted that day to tell that dude about what I am going to buy on steam summer sales with just 15$.

me: I am going for this summer to play lots of games so I saved some money for this summer sale. do you want to hear what awesome games I am about to buy with just 15$?
dude: yeah, sure thing.

he wasn't expecting much

M: this summer I am going to buy 5 games and maybe keep more for some others. they are so awesome!
D: ok, let's hear those 'awesome' games!
M: the first game is devil daggers, maybe you don't kno...
D: of course I do. is that game
M: I want to get that game just to improve my aim, but maybe I will have some fun.
D: yeah yeah, I know that game
M: *poker face*

I KNEW he doesn't know this game and anything about pc games because of the followings...

M: ok then... I also want to get Half-Life 2 : Episode 1 & 2. they have pretty rich story and I already have both Half-Lives.
D: holy shit but the graphics... ok, one more 'awesome' game of yours.
M: there are 2 episodes, 2 separate games. I really don't care about the graphics, I love the story.
D: continue with your 'awesom' games...

that dude didn't even knew about half-life and said that game is bad.

M: another game I want to get is Battlefront 2, the one from 2005 and...
D: 2005!?
M: yeah, the new one sucks, and the gameplay in the original is way better and...
D: *starts laughing* 2005!? I thought you were getting the new one. I imagine the graphics being like this car. *points to a fucking car, yeah that kind of comparasion, I know*

after this I was so fucking pissed off. he doesn't even know about some cult classics that are meant to be played. he doesn't even have a pc nor console and he is stating his opinion on fine air for fucks sake!

M: ok, what about getting the facts and then make an opinon.
D: yeah yeah *making fun of me at that point*

I didn't tell him that I wanted to buy the binding of isaac, cause it was enough for me. I told him to watch some reviews on these games and blog posts about them and I am sure tomorrow he will say that he 'wathced' the reviews and that those games are garbage. it's his style to underestimate things. I fucking hate him, not becuase of the games, but because he underestimates everything that is not on his list of 'good games'. that list consists of new games with great graphics(3D only).

sorry if I exaggerate saying that those games are cult classics but I really look forward into buying them.

if you have another indie game to run on this potato machine(2gb ram, pentium dual-core 2.1ghz, gtx 525m) that I should or at least try comment, I am open to suggestions!

Merry Christmas everyone.

I passed this day alone, in another country, away from family, friends and without anyone to hang out with.
On top of that my gf (she lives in my country) posted a video dancing with her ex.

So, enjoy your time with your family and friends, even they're not perfect they love you and care about you.
I m kinda sad right now, but I will fight this. I m gonna be alone and when the year change so i believe its time to strengthen my character.

Happy holidays boys n girls. 🙂

C: “Look, I agree that these are likely leading practices, but we really don’t need all that.”

M: “These aren’t even leading practices, these are the bare minimum practices to help ensure secure login sessions and that account passwords aren’t trivially compromised.”

C: “How do I put this...? You’re trying to secure us against the hacker. That’s a noble goal. But my only concern is the auditor.”

M: “...”

git commit -m "because cafés never have enough outlets and my laptop is dyiii---"

Hey, I´m through with the Win10 update.
That was fast. And no problems! Everything seems to be working.

Wait...
Android SDK not found...
Java not found ...
Seems all my environment variables are gone.
Even better all the standard variables are wrong too.
My Home Drive is now "H:" ?
What the hell?

3:40 in the morning... Finally set up most of the basic of Arch with i3. Been more than 12 hours... My eyes r dying... And so m I... Kinda swollen arteries near side of the head coz of overload...
And I have college tomorrow... Or today... Watever 😭😭😭

Not separating different changes into different commits, and just adding "a few tweaks" when I can't be bothered to list changes.

git commit -m "Added x, updated y, renamed z, and a few other tweaks"

This scene is an 8-year-old.
My friend(F) got his first mobile. First featured mobile.
Maximum smartness in that mobile was a snake game and Bluetooth.
So I decided to prank him.
M: Bro do you know this particular model need a network to use Bluetooth?
F: I am not stupid to believe you.
M: I can prove that.
F: K prove me, I will give you treat.
M: ok, turn on your Bluetooth paired it with my Bluetooth.
F: Ok
*start sending him the movie. We were on the train, a train was about to enter the tunnel*
M: When the train will enter a tunnel, We will lose network and sending will fail.
F: ok let's see.

*when a train enters in a tunnel, we shift light to black in meantime for 3-4 sec our eyes feel blindness. so I closed eyes before entering a tunnel and once train enter in the tunnel immediately restart Bluetooth *

M: look sending failed
F: Seriously man, I didn't know that.
M: It's ok bro next time inform me before buying any electronics.
F: sure
M: my treat?
F: Yup

*for next few days, he was thinking that Bluetooth need a network to send files until whole group laugh on him*

git commit -m "My 7 days of psychological torture mental breakdowns and suffering ends... now"

ARGH. The moment you realise the previous developer centralised ALL of the current software around a M$ access dBase. WTF. Same dude also stores day of year, week of year, month number and year as seperate fields in a MySQL dBase. Alongside a datetime stamp. OMFG!!!!

"Tar up your projects as version control."
- CS teacher

I understand git is hard (just the awkward syntax) and not part of a curriculum, but can it at least be suggested? A whole year later, I found out about git and it has made CS projects so much easier.

git commit -a -m "No more tape archiving"

I'm a contractor at a product company and today I had the pleasure of working with some jQuery.

A function needed to be called before another function, hard work right?

So I moved the call to the function 3 rows higher, checked it in, set the task as ready for test and started to look for other tasks.
Within a couple of minutes I get a direct message from another dev, let's call him Steve.
Steve wanted me to set the task to ready for code review instead of test, so I did just that and tried to move on.

Some minute or two later Steve contacts me again:
"It would be great if you'd move the comment so it'd be over the call to the function"

Well, I'm not one of those who likes comments... If you need a comment, it's probably not good/readable code. In some cases sure, it might be a complex block coming up.
Sorry, lost my train of thought.

I answered Steve : "Are you sure, I could just remove it instead?"

(for readability S will be Steve and M will be me)

S: Well, it's always good to have comments
M: In this case I think it will be alright.
S: But it's nice to see what the function is doing.
M: I'll do it if you really want me to.
S: It's better to have the comment than to not have it and needing it.
M: Okay then

The name of the function : LoadOrganizationTree()

And this is the comment :
//Load organization tree

I just got a phone call from "Microsoft" because there are Trojans on my pc. The broken English (and the content of the call) told me that it was scam, but I wanted to have my fun, so I continued the call.

After I told them that I am on my Computer, I was forwarded to an "expert", and now the funny part starts 😁

Scammer: you have your keyboard in front of you??
Me: yes
S: you see the strg, control ctrl button on the bottom left
M: yes *rly?*
S: what button. Is next to it?
M: fn
S: ...
M: ... *XD*
S: and next to it?
M: that's the windows button
S: ok, press that button along with 'r'
M: ok
S: what do you see?
M: *telling him what I see on my GERMAN pc*
S: ok, type 'eventvwr' *spelling it like hell*
I did so. Just while this spelling I could have hit my head on the desk... It was hilarious

He navigates me to the error and warnings and tells me that those are Trojans 😂 and that this is the reason some programs (especially my antivirus software) aren't running properly.

Well I told him that those aren't Trojans and that all my programs are running properly. I don't know if that was the reason, he stopped the call, but I wasn't able to connect to their 'headserver'.

In the end I am sad that I wasn't able to f*ck him up more. Maybe I would have been able to get some more information about their company to kick their *****.

Next time I will be (more) prepared

The joys of Drupal.

Coworker: i can't hide this option from this select. it's been created programmatically by another module.
Me: doesn't that mean you defined it somewhere?
C: nope, the module does it with the whole taxonomy
M: can't you interact with it somehow,
C: i don't know
M: you don't know?
C: it's a module by the community, i don't understand it
M: *what the fuck.* ...fine. can you hide it with some js for now?
C: i tried no. they get loaded at different times from different behaviours.
M: then... what?
C: i don't know, i've been searching drupal.org for the whole morning to no avail.
M: *god. damn.* Create the select with something else, then? maybe by raw php?
C: that's bullshit! you don't create elements lile that in 2018! no one writes php or html anymore, unless he"s retarded!

Bloody hell. I'm not covering for this. My part is done (in rails) and i'll deliver it this afternoon. Not for this kind of delay.

So I am conducting an introductory seminar on git and GitHub for juniors and as per my knowledge I've drafted this outline, please add your inputs..

The seminar will be of 1 day only

1. Install and configure Git and Github

2. Digital Signature mapping

3. Git init

4. New Project with HTML

5. Configure remote (git remote add <origin> <url>) ends with .git

6. Git commit (git commit –m “Title” –m “commit message”)

7. Pushing git push (git remote push origin master)

8. Git commit –amend

9. Git pull (git pull origin master)

10. Git checkout (git checkout –b new_branch_name)

11. Do some changes

12. Git push new branch (git remote push origin new_branch_name)

13. Git switch branch (git checkout <name_of_existing_branch>)

14. Pull requests

15. Git log (git log –oneline –graph)

C#: the only language where you have 0 based arrays and 1 based collections, just to mess with you... Damn you M$!
(spent hours trying to understand why collection[0] was raising an out of range exception...)

Am i doing it right?
git commit -m "Multiple changes and minor changes in the project."

Fuck M.2 and mSATA SSD's. Not only do you have to worry about lengths (30, 42, 80mm), but then there's mSATA vs M.2... Where SSD's with an M.2 connector can STILL use mSATA internally! AND on top of that there's a bazillion connector types. For that I'll let the attached image speak for itself. I don't see the difference to be honest. Maybe someone in the comments can explain.

Long story short, I bought what looks to be an M.2 SSD that nonetheless uses mSATA and I pretty much wasted my money on a paperweight. The little enclosure I bought for it only does mSATA *connectors*. It doesn't fucking fit!

(in a meeting between o&m team and business partners to assign priorities to various tasks)
I.T.: So what priority would you put this new task?
Business : it's our 1.
I.T.: ok, and this other one?
B: it's a 1.
I.T.: ...

!rant

Hey all... I have a question...
So, I m really burnt out of coding (C++ guy here)... I have always been learning something but never built anything... I really wanna make some game or something but it jst takes soooo long... M really lacking motivation and m soooo through learning stuff for now...
Please suggest what do i do? (Cant change language... I find all others boring... No offense)

Hey...just wondering...

In Germany its quite common for M$ nazis to call Windows "Windoof" , which means Win-stupid...

I'm not aware of anything similar in English or other languages...And that can't be ;)

Enlighten me please!

M: Type "cd path/to/files" where path/to/files is the path of the files I just sent you to download and send me a screenshot

C: Done!
*sends screenshot of them typing "cd path/to/files" and an error message because the path doesnt exist*

Supervisor: *starts meeting*
Me: *joins*
S: Hi, thanks for joining
M: Yup, what's up
S: I wanted to set up this 1 on 1 to talk about how you're doing and your progress.
M: OK...
S: As you know we're supposed to do a 3 month review.
M: OK... Sure... *looks at calendar*

//It has been 5.8 months since I've been at this company.

Boss : we have to do 'task', come up with ideas.
Me: cool

Few days later...

B: we will do 'A' to accomplish the task.
M: but I have few ideas that are better.
B: Nevermind, we are doing 'A'
M: but 'A' is impossible to scale.
B: doesn't matter its only POC
M: I have better non scalable solution, which is easier and faster to Implement.
B: yeah whatever, we are doing 'A'.
B: also I am on leave next week, so take care of completing 'A'.

WTF.

P. S. Was happy for few months, didn't need devrant, guess I will need vent out again.

Just wanted to share a really cool sounding song with everyone. I’m sitting in my car in the rain and just playing this loud as fuck and it’s an amazing experience.

Artist: “Carbon Based Lifeforms”
Album: “Interloper”
Song: “M”

Long story short,

Fuck programmers who call them selves entrepreneurs (pronounced in French), I'm going to entre-preneur my dick in your fucking worthless calculator you piece of camel cum!!!

git commit -m 'some fixes. FTR I hate Torvalds and I am NEVER using any piece of software built by him!'

// inspired by someone's rants a while ago

My Model M and my red Swingline

That moment as the three day weekend comes to a close, you look at the project you managed to create in a haze of booze, coffee and your body weight in m&ms and think...

Damn, that's awesome!

Now, to shower, go outside for a bit and try to be a real adult for the rest of the week.

Today me started to come to college by wakeuping at 10@m to attend DAA class by 1pm a strict warning to all to attend by sharp 1'o clock but at the scene my madam is absent and my effort gone wrong😢😢😢(Computer Science)

I always used / preferred Nano over Vi(m) for its simplicity.

But fuck, just because of the simplicity for Vi to be able to find a string and replace it by another via ':%s/string1/string2', I'm feeling like installing Vi everywhere from now on...

So, here is the worst experience, not one.. but recent two of many of the encounters I had with my OOP teacher... (I am in Second Year of Engineering). Lets Call him T.
To give a background of T... He knows nothing but acts like he is the master... you'll get to know this...

Incident #0:
*me developing a website for a client and T just bumps in*
T: Hey, what are you upto.
M:Nothing sir, just some Web-dev stuff.
T: What languages do you use?
M: I am currently using embedded ruby.
T: No no, I meant, what languages do you use for web-dev?
*inner* M: Ok, try to act stupid... He is not worth of all the knowledge.
M: Sorry sir, I just use simple HTML-CSS.
T: Ohh, I use Wordpress... It's a great language to build websites.
*inner* M: He has no idea what WP really is, he is a fuckshit.
T: It's so simple and easy, that you code for Desktop view, press Ctrl-M and then it automatically makes it for mobile view.
*inner* M: Bursts out into laughter
M: OK sir, will look over it.

Incident #1:
*He is teaching, suddenly topic comes of Oracle Certification for Java*
T: I know many of you have idea about java, but do you have what it takes to be an OCJP..
*inner* M: LOL...
T: It is a really hard thing, and I can bet... I can bet *he did repeat that twice* that no one from you can even qualify OCJP.
*inner* M: It's time... It's time
M: Excuse me sir, first of all it's OCA... OCJP does not exist anymore... And secondly, I am an OCA...
*inner* M: Yeah... Fuck you bitch!
*assucimg inner* T:Fuck, asshole..$#@#%@!@$@%#

And whole class was like -> o.O

I love how odd very intelligent things can (seem to) be. Cryptography is incredibly complex, and the reason the computer was created in the first place. But that doesn't stop them from being all

"Heyyyy, y'all got any of them P R I M E N U M B E R S? We like em BIG, we'll paaaaay"

Just before the holidays started I was given a task by my manager, $M.

$M: "Kyntak, while I'm away I want you to look into this new way of starting $important_service"

$me: "Okay $M, is there a bug for this that explains what is needed?"

$M: "Yes, you should be able to find it"

Goes looking, finds someone else working on something connected but not the same, finds the code change that makes this available... It doesn't explain how to use it, when the async events fire or (well, to a junior engineer like me) really anything.

Message the other (very experienced) eng.
$me: "Hey I've been asked to make $important_service use the new starting API, can you tell me about?"

$eng: "Yup, here's a bug for that and I'm happy to answer any questions you have" *goes offline*

I read the bug. It doesn't mention the original problem I was trying to solve, it doesn't even mention $important_service. There's no design doc mentioned. The bug has a higher priority assigned than any of my other work. It has an expected completion date only days after I get back from holidays (which $M told me to take).

I try to contact $M and $eng. They've already left for holidays.

"Hmm"

Implements as much of the fairly inevitable boilerplate that I can infer from the bugs and surrounding code.

"Hmm"

So, I'm into my second week of holiday and am starting to think about the potential shit storm I may return to.

I hope the bug's priority was wrong.

I didn't manage to win a Hacktoberfest 2020 shirt because I don't use GitHub anymore (and they require that apparently) - but I figured I might as well have a go at it.

echo "- an amazing project" >> README.md
git add devduck.png
git commit -m "update docs"
git push devrant feed

Pls like, comment, share, and subscrieb to CodeWithCondor for moar laif hakz :3

!rant
After the last rant where i complained about drawing fishes using p5.js

I added those zombie looking vectorized fishes to my game and it's currently working

Now, I m going to add more fishes then maybe colour too

Update to my previous desire to install Arch Linux on my MacBook...

Well, I installed it, played around a bit... now gonna install OS X back... primary reasons being the fact that there r a lot of things which u must do to get arch to work perfectly in MacBook... ( special kernels and stuff ) and I use an iPhone 😐... in other words, m locked to the ecosystem... for now...

I was so hoping to use arch... it wud have been amazingly fast on the SSD... 😍😍

No m not gonna use VM since it’s not fun 😂😂

Wish iTunes worked in Linux too ☹️😕

Was about to go to bed when I saw this. Went to my laptop and coded for 8 hours. The 'M' in memes comes from motivation.

Manager: These estimates are wrong
Me: Why?
M: These shouldn't take too long
Me: Well you asked me to make those while I was busy with the mess design did.
Jr frontend: Manager is right. They shouldn't take too long.

*me knowing jr doesn't know the system nor coding standards*

Jr: I'll fix mine to get a more accurate estimation. Do you want me to do yours?

* Me thinking f*ck no*
Me: Just do yours.

M: Ok. Then we are settled.

He just wanted me to fit a 10 week project into 6 weeks while I carry the Jr and was complaining I didnt do it well.

Fml

Just love it when the client discloses their requirements in phases. M sitting here with the complete stack waiting for him to come online and fuck me a little more as he discloses the next phase. Client's done this 3 times already. Fuck that asshole.

!Rant

That amazing moment when everyone leaves office and I can enjoy music loud on iMacs amazing speakers \m/

So it's friday and I'm almost done with all my work and suddenly manager comes in and asks me that client wants to talk to you. I agree and we move into meeting room here is how conversation goes
(C)lient-There is some new feature we want to add -/Describes his feature which is somewhat like an existing feature we have. The feature needs many images which area already present/-
(M)e-Ohkay this can be done. How much time is allotted.
C- You can take a month or two -/I have fucking happy fucking over the moon beacuse i knew it wouldn't take more than 2 days-/
M-Sure
C- Yeah make sure the images are rotated manually.
M-*In Shock* Manually? You mean like i have to right click and then select rotate -/in which ever direction you mother is getting fucked?-/
C-Yeah..
M- But there is a tool which can do the same thing!
C-No the tool maybe wrong we want 100 percent accuracy.
M-*For a while like this -_-* I can start the tool and then manually check if any image is wrongly rotated.
C-No you can be wrong sometimes. .
-/Meanwhile the manager is giving me a stern look like/-
M-If i can be wrong after running tool why i can't BE WRONG WHEN I HAVE TO ROTATE THE IMAGE 10000 TIMESSSSS
C- do it manually.
*He cuts the call!*
I have no fucking option now! THESE FUCKING CLIENT'S AND THEIR BALL LICKING MANAGER FUCK MY LIFE FUCK MY JOB
I'LL DO IT BY SCRIPT ONLY FIRE ME YOU FUCKING MORONS
ASSHOLLESSS

Here's a task for the bored of you ;)

"Write a python script that prints out all numbers y from one to 10**30(including 10**30) that have two of these traits: [n**5=y, m**3=y, x**2=y] but not the other one; n and m are whole numbers."

Correct answer was about 103000
I can't seem to find the solution... Here's my (failed) try:

Chasing fucking unicorns…

I want an F# job where I don’t have to deal with the M$ bs beyond dotnet.. no fucking M$ servers, no Win workstations, none of that bs that makes work uncomfortable.

Guess that ain’t happening.

Looks like I’m going to be stuck writing PHP for the dough indefinitely, and be content in playing around with greatness on my own time.

Passed out college this year...
Got a job too (lucky 😀)
Now all juniors are asking me how to prepare for placements... N keeps asking my resume..
And m saying everyone same stuff.. DS and algo is must.. n chk my LinkedIn for resume..
Soon, seems like m gonna tell them join devRant first and then I will say further..
Note: Placement starts in few weeks and they care now on how to prepare for it.. Folks say it's better to start late than never.. but still.. I wud love to help them but asking same questions repeatedly not gonna help them..

Everyone argues about the perfect date, so I searched and found it using complex machine learning, a lot of trial and error, and too much alcohol:

'#76ab%Y%Y@98:%M%D%h@()%m&%m%Y%D%Y€¥$¢%M%h+%s-%s%%'

Where:
- %Y stands for one number of the last year
- %M stands for one number of the following month
- %D stands for one number (09 are two numbers for example) of SQRT((CURRENT_DAY^7)/3)
- %h stands for one number of the hour next evening(12h system)
- %% stands for either 7 or 3, 7 means that the hour(%h) is a.m., 3 means that the hour is p.m.
- %m stands for the minute the next solar eclipse will happen
- %s stands for one number of the second you will hate yourself to have this system implemented.

How to use it im 3 simple steps:

1. Implement it using ???
2. ?????
3. Profit?

Working on a team to take functionality from the latest version of an old executable and put it into a new web-based app.

Coworker: I can't get the results to match so I'll just change the options I'm using in the original program until they match.

Me: That's not how this works. That's not how any of this works. Same options on both source and new app, and you should get identical results. Otherwise, there is a defect.

I walk over to look at what CW set up.

M: "Why do you have this box ticked? That option doesn't even exist in the new version."

CW: I don't know. It was there?

M: (trying not to lose my cool, sets up options the way they are supposed to be) This is actually a pretty simple program. It just queries the DB, so we have to make sure the queries and results are the same.

CW: (runs it) Still doesn't match.

M: What version of the source app are you using? Make sure it's the latest.

CW: I can't tell. There is no help/about menu.

At this point, I kinda want to quit and live in a cave.

M: You don't need that. Check the executable in Windows Explorer.

CW: What do you mean?

At this point, I'm sure I look like Anger from Inside Out. I show them how to do it (right click file, properties, etc), wondering how they got this far in their career without knowing how to do the simplest things.

M: (surprised and irritated) This... isn't the current version. It's two versions old.

CW: Well, I couldn't get the newest version to return the results that matched the test cases, so I used the version that did...

M: You can't do th... Why wou... How is that acc... (turns around and walks out to tell the manager he hired a moron)

defuq!!
I was on the airport and wanted to buy a millefeuilles to eat, those bustards buy the single piece fir almost $2.5 (few meters outside the airport it's just less that $0.5).
Let's do the math: the dimensions of one piece is almost 10x5 cm, which means a surface of 50 cm² (0.005 m²).
So a m² of millefeuilles costs $500, what the shit, a m² awful millefeuilles is more expensive than m² of land in a respectable area.

"Have a lit summer full of m e m e s and a will to live” - fam

Currently working on thesis:
Me:(Using iText to convert PDF Files to String)
Groupmate: I think the conversion makes our program slower.
M: Fine, I'll search for other libraries

M:(Finds Apache PDF Box and another open source PDF Util)

M:(Tests using nanotime then converted to seconds)

PDFBox: 24.3464 seconds
PDFUtil : 20.8365 seconds

iText : 7.937 seconds

:///////

Convo with me an my friend today (i purposefully left out my opinions and reactions):

Friend: i want to learn c#

Me: sounds good, but I'd go java if i were you

F: yeah but i want to do unity

M: sounds good, but I'd go with unreal engine if I were you

F: what language is unreal engine?

M: C++, but if you want to make apps, go with unity

F: yeah I want to make an android app

M: sounds good, but I'd try out renderscript if I were you

F: yeah I've used that before

M: oh really? What does it do?

F: I don't know

M: its for gpgpu because android game devs needed better performance

F: yeah I've used that

M: what does gpgpu stand for?

F: umm… i know what gpu stands for

M: okay dude, you didn't use it

F: yes I did, I made a cypher

M: dude, you didn't use it

F: yes I did!

M: what does gpgpu stand for?

F: *left*

*five minutes later*

M: *checks phone*

M: *sees text from friend*

Text from friend: dude it was general purpose gpu

When you're dead tired and keep making stupid mistakes...
git commit -m "ugh..."

How to spend more time writing docs then code?
15m = doc
1m = code

<code>
/* Motor DC + Mosfet IRF520 + Servo
Materials:
IRF520 (Mosfet) + Dc motor + Batery (3V min)
diode (1N4007?)
Changed Tip122 for IRF520: Tip122 has less resistance and produces more heat

Hardware:
ARDUINO = A(port , 5V , GND)
MOSFET = M(A[port] , + , GND)
MOTOR = MOTOR(+ , -)
BATERIA = BAT(+ , -)
DIODO = D(sinal_1 , sinal_2)

MOSFET
M(port) = A(port)
M(+) = D(sinal_1) AND MOTOR(+)
M(GND) = A(GND)

D(sinal_2) = B(+) AND MOTOR(-)

ARDUINO
A(port) = M(port)
5V = null
A(GND) = M(GND) AND BAT(-)

*/

#define motorPIN 8 // A(port)
int loopy = 0; // Loop variable to limit de program

void setup()
{
// Initialize the motor pin as an output:
pinMode(motorPIN, OUTPUT);

}

void loop() // 1 loop == 100ms
{
if (loopy < 10) // Turns motor ON for 1 second
{
digitalWrite(motorPIN, HIGH);
}
else // Turns motor OFF
{
digitalWrite(motorPIN, LOW);
}
}

</code>

So I forgot to put (m) for minutes in Jira, and made them hours automatically, my boss wants to see me

Why yes, yes I do sort my M&M's and Skittles according to color, then eat them from fewest to most.

I 'm working with python 3:
Was about to make my app print a text letter by letter (same as somebody's typing the text) and read it at the same time.
I wrote a method for typing and works fine but cannot find a solution for the tts and make them run at the same time.
Can U halp me please ?

Thanks in advance 😊

Fuck you windows and your bizarre line endings.

^M (CR) all over the place now, fuck this, going to make an automated tool now that converts all line endings to LF

I';m officialy spending 30$ / day on cigarettes.

And average of 20$/day on beer.

Where do people find motivation to stop these things lol ?!

A lot of money here xD

Those living in Sydney know there's an app called Opal you can use to navigate public transport.

Part of this is app is a trip planner which can suggest the fastest route to your destination, and is aware of train and bus movements in real-time (supposedly)

Me: Fastest route from station T to station C
App: In 5 minutes, walk 12 minutes to station M and board train. You will arrive at your destination by 20:12

5 minutes later...
Me: Fastest route from station T to station C
App: In 1 minutes, board train. It is the same train that will arrive at station M in 12 minutes. You will arrive at your destination by 20:12

Am I going mad, or does they algorithm stink?

When we subtract some number m from another number n, we are essentially creating a relationship between n and m such that whatever the difference is, can be treated as a 'local identity' (relative value of '1') for n, and the base then becomes '(base n/(n-m))%1' (the floating point component).

for example, take any number, say 512
697/(697-512)
3.7675675675675677

here, 697 is a partial multiple of our new value of '1' whose actual value is the difference (697-512) 185 in base 10. proper multiples on this example number line, based on natural numbers, would be
185*1,
185*2
185*3, etc

The translation factor between these number lines becomes

0.7675675675675677

multiplying any base 10 number by this, puts it on the 1:185 integer line.

Once on a number line other than 1:10, you must multiply by the multiplicative identity of the new number line (185 in the case of 1:185), to get integers on the 1:10 integer line back out.

185*0.7675675675675677 for example gives us

185*0.7675675675675677
142.000000000000

This value, pulled from our example, would be 'zero' on the line.

185 becomes the 'multiplicative' identity of the 1:185 line. And 142 becomes the additive identity.

Incidentally the proof of this is trivial to see just by example. if 185 is the multiplicative identity of 697-512, and and 142 is the additive identity of number line 1:185

then any number '1', or k=some integer, (185*(k+0.7675675675675677))%185
should equal 142.

because on the 1:10 number line, any number n%1 == 0

We can start to think of the difference of any two integers n, as the multiplicative identity of a new number line, and the floating point component of quotient of any number n to the difference of any number n-m, as the additive identity.

let n =697
let m = 185
n-m == '1' (for the 1:185 line)

(n-m) * ((n/(n-m))%1) == '0'

As we can see just like on the integer number line, n%1 == 0
or in the case of 1:185, it equals 142, our additive identity.

And now, the purpose of this long convoluted post: all so I could bait people into reading a rant on division by zero.

I think my ultimate life fantasy is to chew mouthful of m&m's for hours.

It feels kind of extremely selfish and greedy to eat it like that.

Yo, where's @g-m-f at ?
Haven't heard from him in last few months, his puns were sharper than a toothpick and shorter than a 3 minute jack-off

Hey @dfox, @trogus, the birds on the shoulder are super pimp, but would you be interested in making a parrot? You know, to go along with a Hawaiian shirt, an eye patch, and a pirate hat?

That'd be metal af \m/\m/

So I'm toying around with an old Pentium M laptop I used to use back in 2013-2015,and it's surprisingly more useable than I thought it would be,but I swear I don't remember the internet relying so heavily on JavaScript.

git add . && git commit -m "Because we're constantly interrupted and because we are not given enough time to do things properly, I need to check in and out of branches all the time (because separate envs are actually separate branches now) and have to interrupt what I'm doing. So this commit message reflects that."

three days ago my manager force me to complete a huge android app in one week, alone😑

this project contract signed three years ago😑 and my manager every day lie to contractor 👹

i`m new in office and now he wants fuck me 🙄

one week piece shit😡

so whats your idea to safe me😶

This is my first rant but I don't understand what a rant actually is so yeahhh I m totally confused now lol😁😁. Btw I hope everyone is good and doing great in their life. And I don't know what to write next so bye bye for now

When engineers get so CS-driven they can’t see simple things 🙃

Another manager messaged me and my boss last night to ask whether he’ll have to expose a certain function to be available in objective c classes (we’re iOS devs and most of our code is in swift, but some older stuff is still in .m files). He said he dug into the lower level code and didn’t see any connections or exposures so he assumes he’ll have to add these. My boss concurred and told him to go ahead and make them available.

Then I showed up with my didn’t go to university brain & searched the codebase for calls to that function from .m classes. There were like a hundred lol, working just fine. It’s already exposed. Neither of them thought to do that.

Tbh it would be:

* Figma app for desktop in Linux, with grids, and offline support.

* Turris Omnia routers - These mini servers are the bane of my existence and I want 2 of those with M.2 SSDs installed.

* My will to live. Yes.

When you realise a so-called app developer has used nvarchar columns to store every single date record, in every DB table of your platform.
Using d/m/Y format.
Without leading zeros.
And, in just a few tables, m/d/Y.
*sigh*

Web developers working since years in Java, spring and hibernate have no idea how to make a website live and don't even know basic MVC structure..
Being a PHP developer m so shocked !!
Is it true for most of the java developers??