My 9 year old son checks out the source code of every website he visits. If he finds something he doesn't understand, he bounces it off me. I love the snot outta that kid ❤️❤️❤️.

Had to debug an issue,

*ssh user@domain*
"some wild network connection issue"
*hmm weird.. *
*checks everything again*
*hmm seems alright.. *
*tries again*
*same damn error*
*ssh -v user@domain*
*syntax error thingy on the -v part*
😮
*messages co-worker asking what the fuck could be giving on*
"ey mate check your aliases 😂"
*alias"
"alias ssh="echo {insert network connection issue"*

*loud laughing from the co-worker I messaged*

MOTHERFUCKER 😆

Was doing some work on a server today and removing loads of stuff.

rm -rf file1
Etc
Etc
Etc

Went into another directory with very important data. Wanted to do ls -la but my fingers went:
rm -rf ./
.
.
*1 milisecond later*
😶
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
CTRL+C
CTRL+C
CTRL+C
CTRL+C
CTRL+C
CTRL+C
CTRL+C
CTRL+C
CTRL+C
CTRL+C
CTRL+C
CTRL+C
CTRL+C
CTRL+C
CTRL+C
*VIGOROUSLY CHECKS FILES*

Everything still there 😅

CS teacher tip of the day:

server side input checks and sanitization are always useless. because nowdays all browsers have javascript enabled by default and nobody disables it. so client-side checks are safe.

me: ***WTF!?!***

*random person stars my repo on Github*

Me: Fuck yes give me those stars!

*checks user's profile, has starred 40k repositories*

Me: Take that star back you whore.

Client: you never sent an email!! What am i paying you for!!
Me: *checks freshsales, sees he's ACTUALLY OPENED THE EMAIL* sir we're sure we've sent you an email.
*Argumen goes on for a while*
Me: *pissed, sends freshsales screenshot that he's opened it* have you or have you not opened this email on your account ****@**.com?
Client: oh on that account? Ok.

The typical devRanter

1. Uses dark theme of IDE and devRant app
2. Hates his/her clients
3. Likes Arch based distros
4. Checks his/her ++'s count or notifications after publishing a rant
5. Hates facebook
6. Associate the morning with a cup of coffee
7. Can't do any job when there are no headphones
8. iPhone vs Android? - fuck, they both are good/bad
9. Every time googles git command to remove a local branch
10. The best VCS is git, but I never used any other VCS

Hmmm, I think this checks out.

passionately making love on Friday morning.

Cellphone buzzes for WhatsApp notification, ignored.
Call ignored, SMS ignored, again call, ignored.

She : whose that bitch calling you?
Me : it's no one important.
She : Checks WhatsApp, message from CTO, server crashed.
Me : Umm, darling, I need to fix this.

It's been 2 days she hasn't answered my call after she left.

So in Telegram there is this funny little game called Lumberjack where you need to click left and right to cut the branches. My and my fellow students played this in the group. Then I got bored for like 30 minutes and decided to write a little bot which checks where the branches are with pixel detection and sends a left/right click to the window. Imagine my friends faces when all of sudden my score was 500+ and the character ran through this like a fucking jackhammer :D
#justmebeingaprogrammer

Is it just me or am I the only one who gets pissed if someone checks the expected result of a variable first?

For example:
if(true === $var)

Instead of:
if($var === true)

*someone ++'d your rant*
devRanter: "meh"

*someone commented on your rant*
devRanter: *Stops everything and checks*

A guy who doesn't work on our project anymore, but still checks on us regularly just did this:
- reported a bug
- started explaining what's causing the issue
- realised the problem was in a piece of code written by him before
- fixed his own mistake, committed it and created a pull request

We all had a good laugh.

On the first class of cryptography professor says, "Hackers are people who dropped out of school, didn't obey their parents and turned to drugs and alcohol and steal money from people by hacking their facebook."

Then goes on to say, "People tend to keep their birthdate as their debit card's PIN so hacker checks their facebook account, finds their birthdate and goes to ATM machine and hacks their bank account."

I was speechless.

"Who the fuck wrote this garbage?"
colleague checks commit log
"..."
"Fuck, it was me"

*spends 40 minutes modifying and remodifying algorithm*

*gets the same output*

....

*checks print statement*

print localVariable

*throws keyboard out the window*

one of our computers at work suddenly shut down. our boss panicked like it was the end of the world cause he knew we couldnt buy a new one and we desperately need the computer. when i came in he started telling me he's gonna pay me extra if i fix the computer

me: *checks cpu and finds out it was unplugged* u sure bout that?
him: hell yea, id rather pay u that buy a new one

*30 mins later*

me: *plugs it back in and pushes power button* its done

>> guess who's got extra money without any extra efforts yay

When my first PR got merged with all checks passed 😁

me: Better check my phone for texts from friends
me: *checks phone*
me: Better get some friends
* Few seconds later *
me: Better go back to terminal

Here is my debugging buddy. Checks my code, and lands on the part of the screen where the error is. I'll feel bad when I kill him

WTF your function takes in 12 parameters!!! Then it checks one and pass the rest to another function!!

Me: ok fuck it, if the Mac mini gets refreshed I'm selling my desktop and getting one...

*Checks news and sees they got a refresh*

*Looks at cost to specs*

Me: ha... Ha... Ha... Nope...

->Be me
-> Learns computer science
-> Be like above average in class
->"Let's take this to the next level"
->Joins hacker rank
->does the beginners problems.
->hmm that was easy af
->Checks the "easy" problems
->Go to a corner & cry. ;__;

* Updates and adds unit tests *
* Runs unit tests *
* All tests pass *

What the fuck? I'm not THAT good to write tests that pass on the first iteration.

* Runs unit tests *
* All tests pass *

Someting's not right here.

* Checks terminal *

FUCK I'm in the wrong project folder

*starts coding by 7pm in the evening.
*remembers that he would soon have to go fetch something to eat but keeps on coding.
*tells himself he would get food by 10pm.
*checks the time - it's past 12am.
*codes all night long on an empty belly but doesn't care.

Pointy Haired Boss: "There's an issue with this simple bit of that service, could you take a look?"
Me: "Sure, give me a minute to investigate"
*A minute later*
Me: "No wonder there's a problem, this code is horrendous! What idiot wrote this unmaintainable crap?"
PHB: "Doesn't matter, just fix it, test it and release it."
Me: "I just want to check who did it, so they never touch our code again."
*Checks SVN log*
Me: "Well, I guess I can never touch our code again."

Manager: "Pls deploy the changes ASAP."

Me: "Right away."

Me: *creates pull request*

... 5min later ...

GitHub: "Some checks haven't completed yet."

... 45min later ...

GitHub: "Some checks haven't completed yet."

Me: *looks into delay*

CircleCI: "Partial System Outage"

——

(╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

Angry Client: All the data from this account is missing. I can't work like this with the app loosing data.

Me: Checks logs, see that client pressed the reset all data button and after that the confirmation button.

Me: As polite as possible informing the client what he did.

Client: Ooh yeah I did that.

It's sad that it has come to the point where you need logs on pressing buttons because they try to blame everything on the app.

*creates table in database*
*writes query to retrieve data*
*gets error and Google's problem for 2 hours but no luck*
*in frustration, takes a half hour break*
*checks database for set up issues*
*realizes that the database is the wrong fucking database*
*face palm & quits fucking life*

I make dumb fucking mistakes like this way too much

"Please add a feature to check the user's internet connection before the application starts."
-- THIS IS A GOD DAMN WEB APPLICATION, YOU DUMB MORONS! Maybe I should add a feature next that checks for the user's computer being turned on or what? How about making sure the application isn't run when the power is out?!
Jesus fuck.

Working on a funny/new api/service (will be a public one) and I'm only now realizing how important good security is but especially:

The amount of time that goes into securing an api/application is too goddamn high, I'm spending about 90 percent of my time on writing security checks 😅

Very much fun but the damn.

Was running tests on a big project I'm doing which still contains a fair amount of bugs but I was sure that all thresholds would succeed and the test wouldn't fire an alert.

Ran the test: alert received any fucking way.

FUCK.

*checks rule*
*waaaait a second, I've set the threshold differently by accident...*

HOLY SHIT THIS MEANS IT WORKS 😵

*pats project* - "good project 😊"

!rant
*opens devRant*
*checks the profile*
*sees an 8digit number in ++*
*HOLY SHIT DUDE, DID I CROSS linuxxx ?*
*checks his profile*
*sad realisation that ++ are now binary*

(I'm using Sennheiser bluetooth headphones)

Me: What device is that music coming from?
*checks desktop, nope*
*checks laptop, also nope*
*checks for phone, can't find phone*
*checks living room*
*checks bedroom*
*notices phone is in hand with google play music open*

Wireless headphones are weird.

Client: "I did not receive the email that should be send after that event. Please fix."
Me:
* Checks code - ok
* Tests feature in locally - ok
* Tests feature in production - ok
* checks values in database - ok
* 2 hours wasted - ok
"Please help me dear CTO, idk what else I could check or how I should even respond to this."
CTO: "hmm, the clients account uses a adminstrative email address for testing. Let me just check if it is in the mailbox."
*checks* "Yeah, that's the email you're looking for, right?"
Me: *experiences relief, anger, blood lust and disappointment at the same time* "Could you please respond to the client for me, I need a break. Thanks"

*production is down*
Ops: At 5pm? On a Friday? *checks deploy history* God! Who did the deploy
Dev: It was a small patch, a tiny patch. It shouldn't have....
Ops: Deploy on a Friday evening?
Colleague: I didn't think it would...

Ops (on the outside) : *takes a deep breath* Its okay Dev, we can fix this. Don't worry

Me(in my mind) : for fuck sakes! Are you fucking kidding me?*** **** *** god damn it! *****

Pretty new at the job still.

-”Hey, best practice to do X?”

”Just check how we did it in previous code”

*checks whole bloody project, everything done in 500 different ways by 20 people*
*selects what seems as the best solution already used*

”Ya, you should have done X like this instead”

😒

Had an interview in a MNC company.

He: Propose a solution for reading huge logs file like 1 GB and parse errors with today's date.

Me: Gave two solution, one with regex and second with buffering the logs (reason: reading the entire in same shot will cause cpu spike with huge memory consumption) and I fell in love with my second approach. By the way it was on paper.

He: (Without seeing the logic) Your syntax is wrong.

Me: Got frustrated who the hell checks syntax in interview. I asked how may years of experience you have?

He: 10 years.

Me: I don't wanna continue, and I left.

Running a script to do some checks on a list of Git repos.

One repo is taking ages to clone.

Take a look at the repo…

A 8 FUCKING GB VAGRANT DISK IMAGE IN IT.

fuckpress.Pi
Yep, thata right. Fuck Wordpress Raspberry Pi. Thanks to my inability to interact with proton mail filtering I just made a script that checks for a new email and if it contains words "wordpress", "help", " hack", "build" and it is not from whitelisted contact, the email is moved to the Fuckpress folder and automatic reply is sent back that I AM NOT FUCKING DOING YOUR GAYPRESS FUCKING SHIT FOR YOUR 5$ CUNT.
rant over

*dad's w10 computer running super slow*

*checks task manager*

100% disk usage

*checks whatever-the-advanced-system-monitor-is-called*

*Compattelrunner.exe is at the top of the list in disk usage*

*searches online to find what the hell that is*

"Compattelrunner.exe collects program telemetry information if opted in to the Microsoft EatASackOfDicks Customer Experience Fuckup"

Telemetry is supposed to be disabled on this computer.

What the fuck Microsoft, if you want to straight out lie to my face as a customer at least try to not be so obvious that you basically lock down my computer with your telemetry shit.

UI/UX Team: "We're using a new piece of software; all you developers can install it, its going to revolutionise our workflow and collaboration"

Me: *checks download page* ... "Only supports MacOS... FFFUUUU"

Where is all the linux love these days -_-

Simplicity is a prerequisite for reliability.

I put those words on the wall in giant vinyl letters, and I point to them every time someone asks me "can you add a frontend button which checks this external API and stores the correlation between the amount of rain and the sales numbers of purple buttplugs inside the user profiles?"

People always ask for one more column in a table, one more paragraph under an image — they never ask for replacement or removal of items.

So I force them. Want a feature? Fine, if you point at something of equal or greater complexity to delete.

Who else checks the source code of porn sites 😀😁

Today:
Me: I need to reimage my Hard Drive

IT (Professional):we need to check the disk for errors.

Me: no, I need reimage my HD

IT: we shouldn't do that if the disk is bad

Me: the disk is fine we just need to reimage my HD

IT:let's check it anyways to be safe

Me: :/

Three hours later................
HDD: Pass
All checks: Pass

IT: maybe we should reimage the hard drive.

Me: Great Idea

ME: 😵🔫

Tech startups, an analogy:

After 18 years going from help desk teams to NOC teams, telecom engineering and all manner of startups in between I have concluded the following:

Imagine wanting to start an aerospace company because you know how to fold a paper airplane, but not how to actually design and engineer an actual craft that will pass basic air worthiness checks.

That’s 99% of “tech” companies.

Discuss. I’ll make drinks.

Teacher: Write a program to print fibonacci series up to 8 terms
Me: *hardcodes 0,1,1,2,3,5,8,13*
Teacher: *runs the programs*
Me: *relieved*
Teacher: *checks the code*
Me:

Started testing out the concept of a new application I'm developing (nothing special)

I always seem to play games instead of coding, so I'm developing a trainer which monitors for any open games and checks whether I have coded enough in a day to play games.

If I haven't coded for long enough, it will force close the game and warn me.

Further development to happen.

Oh my fucking god... I am looking at this code written by a previous developer and he put the passwords in plain in an array in a PHP file, like WHAT WHERE YOU THINKING? (btw that's also how he checks the password, just check whether it's in the array)

c'mon pls

Me:
- Few days ago: Orders thinkpad
- Now: Checks email
- Sees shipping email from lenovo
*YES! Earlier than expected ship date by a full week*
- Opens email
- Package only contains the additional charger that I had ordered, I can't even use it without the laptop

*facepalm*

Me: *opens up a test script*
> only http response code is checked

Me: hey, coleague from qa, why didn't you also write response body checks?

Col: I had then implemented but removed them later.

Me: ?? Why??

Col: because tests were failing

Crickets: *chirp chirp* .... *awkward pause* [in high pitched crickety voice] what the fuck?!?!

*Working on android app life is good, but iMac suddenly became slow*
Me: Wonder what I have open
*After checking and found only Android studio and FF Developer edition*
*Checks RAM: 654MB remaining*
*Closes Android Studio*
RAM: 4.83GB remaining

T_T

"Why is doesn't the script work?"
*checks file*
"Oh, the file is empty.😑"

Was coding on a project at home and suddenly i got the feeling that i had forgotten something...
*Checks the time*
06.30AM
Oh... yeah...sleep...
Hello coffee my old friend...
Time to head off to work then :)

How often does this happen to you?

Let me explain a tiny corner of some awful code I read earlier today, in layman’s terms.

It’s a method to see if the user is in a secure session — not to set up the session, just to see if it exists. The method ends with a question mark, so it’s basically a question. It should look up the info (without changing anything) and should always give a clear yes/no answer. Makes sense, right?

Let’s say the question is “am I in school right now?”

The code… well.

If there isn’t a student, the answer it gives is null, not yes or no. Null is a fancy word for no, pretty much, so that’s kinda fine, but it really should be a simple no.

It then checks to see if the school is open today. If it is open, it then checks to see if I made my lunch, if I took my backpack, and if I rode the bus — and makes these things happen if they didn’t. Forgot my backpack? Just ask “am I in school today?” And poof! There’s my backpack! … but only if the school is open.

It then, finally, checks to see if I’m actually in the school, and gives that answer.

It could just see if I’m in the school — I mean, I could be in school without a backpack, or walked there on the weekend, right? Ha! You and your silly logic have no place here.

So, by asking if the user is in a secure session, we change the answer: they weren’t before, but the act of asking makes it so. This isn’t profound or anything: I don’t work with Schrödinger. My coworkers are just idiots.

And no, the rest of the code isn’t any better…

So there is a ransomware that after infecting a device checks its geolocation. If the device is in Russia it does not encrypt anything and is harmless.

I wonder which country is this malware from...

I just made a shell script that checks the ratings of movies that I have locally in IMDB and plays the one with highest score. #justsaying

Was a co-lead on the first project to add image recognition to ATMs for depositing checks. Turns out, it was a pretty OK idea and people liked it.

*Goes hiking in the woods* *Finds Bigfoot asleep* *Slowly takes out phone* *Turns it on* *Checks DevRant for rates*

just found out that one of my users replies to himself with blank email with a subject "checked" every time he checks his emails... and then he ticks it as "completed"... He has created chains with hundreds of replies long crashing his brand new xps15 every time he clicks on the chain...

What if Google checks candidate's browser history before hiring them? 🤔

Checks display on-screen.
The watched test gazes back
and threatens to break.

!dev && rant

*Checks mailbox*
"To the energy consumer of this residence"
This better be something official, even though electricity is provided by solar panels here, and that as well as water and gas are part of the rent.
*Opens letter*
"AD: GET A CHEAPER ENERGY CONTRACT!!!"
Fuck you. If only you addressed it properly, you would've known that I pay exactly €0 for energy. Try and beat that, will you?!

Anyway, that's one way to avoid liability for sending crap to people who explicitly mention "no unaddressed spam" on their mailbox I guess... Pieces of shit.

Dev lead on another team: Ok we can build that API for the mobile apps, we'll generate everything, generate printable images for the labels, persist it all and do all the relevant lookups and checks. Do you need an SLA?

Director: Yes, 9ms

*silence*

Lead: Sorry .... 9ms?

Director: yeah, its a must have

Lead: ... the speed of light wouldn't even let us transmit it that fast

That feeling when someone sees your rant, upvotes it and then checks out and upvotes other rants of yours.

The saga of requirements changed after the feature is done continues:

Manager: “I have reopened your ticket cause it doesn’t fit the requirements”

*checks for requirements changes*

“Updated 2 mins ago”

You fucking piece of

Am I the only one who keeps adding articles to pocket and seldom checks it

Procrastination..

I mean literally.

Someone: Be grateful that you aren’t laid off, and received all your pay checks in time.

Me: Be grateful that I haven’t severed you head and eaten noodles in your skull yet.

Of course I say it out loud in my head.

> creates new PR for open source project
> runs tests locally before pushing
> pushes
> waits 8h (not kidding) for appveyor checks to complete
> tests failed

MOTHERF-

Pretty simple oversight in a SQL pull led someone to run about 3,300 background checks that had already been run. Somebody told me we spend $25 per check, which would have totaled around $84,000. It ended up being much less, but for a good 40 minutes I assumed I'd be looking for other work the next day.

Them:
Its an Algorithm!!

*checks code*
Five lines of if else

Less rant, more mildly interesting Java trivia.

Integer i0 = 3; Integer i1 = 3;
Integer i2 = 300; Integer i3 = 300;

i0 == i1 is true as expected
i2 == i3 is actually false

Java caches -128 to 127 Integer objects for faster perf so when you're inside that range, the objects are indeed the same, but because == checks object equality, the Integer outside of the range is not cached and had to be initialized, so i2 and i3 are two different objects.

You can totally break some tests this way :)

Omg so I've been stuck on this function I'm writing that checks if a certain array value is so many characters long and well, it just wasnt returning false when outside the conditions..

I tried taking it step by step, echoing out every line and it all made sense to me and there were no syntax errors.

Time goes by and inside the configuration file I was testing.. I was changing the value of a DIFFERENT array property than what I was using in my condition. They looked really similar.. fml xD

The project tech lead asks me to add some Docker configuration files sent by the client to a project. He gives me a zip file and I unzip it and add the files to Git. Job done.
Later he checks the commit and starts bitching because I unzipped the file and it should have been added as a zip. After much debate trying to explain to him that Docker wouldn't open the zip file to search for the Dockerfile he just says "Can you just do it? I double checked with the client!". I give up after giving him all the arguments why he is wrong and do it.
The next day the client checks the commit and comments bitching that I included the zip file and not the contents of it.

TPM decide to upgrade all our servers at once Friday night and didn’t bother with any smoke checks. This is what our APIs looked like Monday morning.

They added a javascript that checks the login info. Worst part an if statement was the only thing keeping you from logging in without the correct password

PM: Hey listen, client sent us his feedback about the app that we need to fix, they wont take time.
Me: Sure no problem.

5 Minutes later:
*Receives email*
*checks email*
15 easy tasks that take not time to finish BUT they are put inside ONE FUCKING TASK ON JIRA! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THIS SHIT! 15 IN ONE YOU DUMB FUCK!
MOVE YOUR LAZY ASS AND WRITE EACH IN ITS OWN MOTHERFUCKING TASK!

Another reason on why I hate humans -_-

Dev blog writer: "I'm a polygot developer, check out my Github..."
Checks Github, only finds JS and 1 HTML repos...
Thanks for making me feel better about my employment chances mate!

Certified Enganeers: 0, Internet Connectivity Issues: 1

Those idiots couldn't even understand why I'd connected a second router (a DLink DIR 816) for better WiFi than their default garbage modem/router. And one of them told me that he'd login to the router by "putting the address in Google" (and proceeded to type 192.168.1.251 in the search bar, after I explained to him that Firefox was a browser too, just like Chrome -.-)

And they didn't even fix the problem, which is most probably on their end since everything checks out here. Brilliant. More shitty 3G/4G for me.

YOU CERTIFIED PIECES OF CRAP

> Young dev apprentice me pair programming with another developer
> Dude checks bug report of a customer, saying something about a "Blind SQL Injection"
> Young me asking what that "Blind" part means
> "Dunno man, maybe u gotta close your eyes when hacking this"

Guess what, the issue was never fixed

Finish programming assignment.

Jump right into 10 page paper with auto correct/spell/grammar check turned off (technical paper, office tries to correct issues that aren't issues).

Finish paper, turn checks back on.

Realize ended all sentences with semicolons.

FML.

When residual +1's trickle in from an old rant of mine, I feel like a rockstar from the 80's who still gets royalty checks from that one hit they recorded...

GUYS I BUILT A FUCKING URL BAR AND IT EXISTS, IT'S ALIGNED, AND IT FUCKING WORKS

It doesn't have a very good check for what is a valid url tho, it is currently working checking for subreddits like /r/<whatever> and it checks if the link begins with http:// or https://. At some point in the near future I want to clean it up a bit, maybe write some regex (oh god kill me now) that'll actually check for a valid url

- Let's write some code to check for memory leaks
- Oh shit, memory is leaking like crazy
- In fact the program crashes within 10 minutes
*Some hours of debugging and not finding the cause later*
- Starts thinking about the worse
- Hell yeah, the memory leak is caused by the code that checks for memory leaks. But fucking how
- Finds out the leak is caused by the implementation of the std C lib
- In the fucking printf() function
- Proceeds to cry

I know, I know, "OMG ppl are wrong the internet."

Even so, I don't think I'll ever fully get past the continuously lowering barrier to entry on sites like medium and free code camp, and at times even alligator.io. The information routinely ranges from wildly inaccurate to dangerously wrong with few checks and no peer review can't be good for the industry in the long run.

Starting to yearn for the old days when the biggest risk was skilled plagiarism.

This rings true even if the customer is internal. Built a feature and provided documentation on how to use it and one of the end users still used it wrong.

It was a simple validation process too. Input the member ID then click validate, the app then checks if the person is in the system and fills in some other fields and does some other backend stuff. How could you get that wrong?! 🤔

So this JUST happened.

I do what I've been doing since its release, that is go through devRant in my spare time.

My girlfriend is right here working on her project and notices me looking intently into my phone, unaware of what I'm up to and literally snatches my phone asking me which girl i was messaging and checks it to see devRant open! The look on her face after that was priceless :D

EVEN NOW as I type this Rant she looked at me and asked "Who is that you're messaging? Your 'girlfriend'?" xD

God bless devRant xD

*Randomly using laptop to serialize data
*Only 8:53, already at 47%
*Checks bag for laptop cord
*Sees its not there
Oh god what have I done

I was writing simple neural net program which checks if given passenger would survive the Titanic accident and Chuck Norris indeed would survive :D

Was office SharePoint bitch at one point. This guy wanted me to build a workflow for him that would enforce insane checks on his (peer) colleagues. Asked if his manager approved and obviously they hadn't. So this guy started telling me he would build his own application from scratch and host it on his home server if I didn't help him. Pointing out the business might object to their confidential data being put on his home server didn't put him off. Getting laid off a few months later for gross incompetence did however.

Am I the only one who checks if installer is working with pen/ruler?

Grandma: so how do I scan that thingy in order to comnect to the wifi?
Me: I already told you that's something that you have to do only once. Just turn on wifi and it'll connect automatically
G: But I already turned it on and it's not connecting. Now tell me how to scan that again
Me: Are you sure that you did?
G: Yes
*Checks*
Me: It's disabled...
*enables wifi*
G: Oh, thanks, it's working now.

Literally every time she wants her phone to connect to the wifi.

Why the fuck is it, that American online companies ONLY ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS

WHY NOT JUST DEMAND FUCKING CHECKS FOR PAYMENT

Am I the only one around here that checks daily rants before going to sleep? O.o

Dev1: "How did you wrote this code? It causes bug on production."

Me: *checks on gitlens*

"Dev1... 3 months ago"

Why I love Salesforce 👀

- Run a test method
- failure: no field found

- checks test, queries field
- checks field security (access permissions) visible to user

- runs test again
- failure: no field found
- adds debug log of queried field

- runs test again
- succes

Thanks, thanks for fucking with me today 🥲

git push origin stupid-long-feature-name
git pull origin develop
*Checks through all changes. No major conflicts. Accepts changes.*
npm test
*4 failing tests, none of them in pieces that I touched for my feature.*
*That's funny. QA was loaded from the develop branch, and everything works.*
*Actual data has dates from today. Expected data has dates from a week ago.*
*examines tests*
Why are all these expected dates hard-coded‽

tl;dr The external development team committed 4 tests that would only ever pass on the day they were written.

In an application that everyone in production floor used... I made some "improvements"... Next I know I get tons of tickets because is really slow... Like 20 minutes waiting and it doesn't load... I try with my user in their computers and it loads instantly... Puzzled... After trying in many computers my user loads instantly... Oops... I left a if(user = "me") skip all active directory checks 🙄... Made all production floor lose about 3 hours 😆 because I didn't believe 😛

!rant

I love these Sanity Checks just for the comments along with them 😂

James: Your windows dev machine is setup and now ready.

Me: Checks if something is missing...

Me: [ installs notepad++] ... it’s perfect now!!!

Be us
Be pair devs
Be doing PHP
Be explaining code to each other to find bug.
Be confused. Code checks out.
Be laughing asses off
Be realise the filename had a m instead of n
@TheCapeGreek

*wakes up *
*checks github *
5 pull requests accepted
"dude you're on fire!"
Feelsgoodman

<IT Support Feature Request>

"Developer Mode"

- reduce condescending support agent chat level to 1.
- remove unnecessary checks for "have you turned it off and on again" & "please ensure your machine is plugged in".
- instantly be put through to second line support as a minimum level.

Cons - none
Pros - reduced developer anger, reduced developer time wastage, reduced developer hatred for people less technical

The moment when NVIDIA realise they just compared there too of the line laptop chip to what is essentially a mid range device... I mean... The math checks out but you know... You compare nano to vim and you know what that looks like

One of our juniors was adding a feature and made a small mistake in one of their (copy-pasted) unit tests by forgetting to cast a return value of a mock

So he spent a ton of time changing the main code to do type checks, try/catching and error handling.

Poor soul realized the mistake in code review one day later

[random article] - interesting TITLE.

Click.
checks scroll bar - not much
Quick read.

read
read
read..

hmmm

read
read
read

hmm seems forever that i'm reading.
something's not right

check
check
chek m**F8d8fd , it loading a freaking 3000 words article with ajax.

User: This web page form is too hard to use and is prone to have wrong data filled out.

Me: Uh...ok. Here is a redesign. You literally fill out one text field and a date picker.

User: Oh this is great, thanks.

*checks the database and the very first entry they created had the wrong date.*

Fuck me.

How many here know surge.sh? it seems each time I mention it somewhere, nobody knows it, checks it out and thanks me. It basically allows you to host a static webpage on their servers - for free and with custom domain if you wish. They are also the creators of Cordova/Phonegap.

Problem: Someone isn't receiving emails.

Me: Finds that someone else set up their account without an email address.

Me: Man what kinda person would let you turn on email alerts without a valid email address .....

-Checks-

Me: You know anyone could have made that mistake, I'll just fix it up right here ....

...5 minutes ago per ssh on the productivity server...

"ok, let's delete this old test directory ..."
*types rm -r www*
....*thinking* ...*realising* ... "FUUUUUCK!!11"
*quickly types git clone gitadress"
*checks website* "phew!"

Learning neural network algorithms and feeling very accomplished........

.......then checks out OpenCV and flips desk.

Fun issue

Swedish client is unable to enter a currency conversion rate in a field and submit. 'Not a float' well we can clearly see that it is a float when he does it (0.5 for example), not an issue for us though.

Reproducing was a nightmare, eventually it boiled down to the fact that the framework we were using had automatic locale checks. Now because our numeric fields are actually weird text fields (front end nonsense), it was converting the period to be a comma (Swedish people would write 0,5 normally). And if you actually entered 0,5 the range check (0.01-1000) failed because it couldn't parse the comma (no locale check on that one)

Godamn facepalm. Really confused the hell out of us when we saw the error, had to go diving through library code. To top this off, locale checks are supposed to be disabled as of about 2 years ago

In revenge against our oppressor :PHP: on slack is now an alias for the shit emoji

Fulfillment company: the order you put in our system is wrong, the hours we needed to correct this will be charged to you (Red: or rather my employer)

Me: *Checks logs and our server - finds out the order was made in their own webform/webapp*

Me: hey how come I can put in values in your webform that should not pass sanity checks, thats weird (in this case it was a product w/ a quantity of 0)

Fulfillment company: we don't do sanity checks or validation, we just find out when shit crashes and burns, nothing weird about that

Me: WTF

Me: *pulls down the quick settings drawer and taps Bluetooth*
phone: *forgets everything about having multiple CPU cores and threads - the process responsible for all user input and drawing the ui grinds to a halt*
me: *sighs* oh, fuck, not this shit again *sets phone down*
*several minutes pass*
*watchdog decides that the UI is stuck and kills it, forcing the phone to soft-reboot*
phone: *boots up after a minute of loading*
me: *checks if Bluetooth is on*
*Bluetooth still off*
me: *tries to tap Bluetooth again*
*the procedure repeats*

Me: *joins devRant once again*
"Wow this community is surely active! Better check frequently to keep up!"
*checks two times in 6 hours*
"Yea it was weekend. Probs everyone is getting their hands in a dirty pile of compileable code or a spaghetti of jQuery."

So, how is your day/night so far?

3 time sheets: One for the company I work for, one for the parent company staffing us to clients, one for the client.
All three have to be handed in at different times, have different rules, are on different systems and have to fit hourwise.
A waste of hours per week.
And add an offshore team that checks all 3 to this.
Also once in a while they complain about something in it. (Audits, reviews,etc.) Forward to boss, he has to argue with them.
Waste of so much time.

adding feature and came across some code that looks quite efficient.
really wanted to tell the guy that he did a great job. checks revision history, and the author was me, 2 days ago...

*has a test in school on html and javascript*
*Studies a lot and checks to see if code works*
*it works*
*goes into test confident*
*None of the Javascript works* (legit nothing)
Kill me

Client: Please add feature x in "here"
Me: Adds feature x in "here"

Fast forward to QA

QA: Test for feature x failed. Feature was added in "here" but is not in "there"
Me: There was no request to add x in "there"
Client: Feature x was already supposed to be in "there", you might have removed it.
Me: *Checks file where feature would be added.
* Git blame show no changes since received we the project (one major release back)

Lying cunt. I'm sick of your literally incomprehensible tasks giving government fucks, speak human language not overhead driven bureaucracy-jargon

Just merged a PR, all checks were green and it was reviewed and approved by me and another dev.
Had a great big ‘do not merge’ label on it...
fml whoops

me: alright let me print this now.

*goes downstairs*

printer: *on the display* ... Printing ...
printer: *on the display* ... Printing ...
printer: *on the display* ... Printing ...

*no paper to be seen*

me: why isn't this working?

*checks computer upstairs.*

computer: *popup* We have an update scheduled for 17:40, we can install it then or, if you like, now.

me: oh, ok.

Got asked: Could you add more columns to this Word document?

Me: *Checks* *Sees it's all tabbed, not a table* Um. No.

We have a long standing, transient, occasional error in our system that we haven't quite been able to (or have had the time to) pin down.

I was thinking out loud with our project lead what the cause could be, which - before I realized it - segwayed seamlessy into me being tasked with hotfixing it in order to unblock some other tasks that people expect to start working on tomorrow.

I think I'm starting to see why people use inanimate objects for rubber ducking instead of other devs. Here's hoping my theory checks out.

*checks upload progress*

45 min remaining

*checks again a minute later*

1 day remaining

:/

Boss: The numbers on the report don't look right. Can you check?

Me: <checks> Yep! I verified the numbers against all external data sources and they match perfectly.

Boss: OK well we need to take a deeper look because they don't look right.

Me: ... I don't follow?

Boss: The numbers... don't... feel right.

It's a tie between 3 things for me.

1. md5 hashed passwords
2. post variable concatenated into sql with no checks
3. admin login over http

sad thing is that all 3 was one website I redid a few years ago

"We need to have a meeting to clarify your role"

My head: Just give me a raise and then leave me alone

My mouth: Yea, sure. When works for you

Context:
My job is a little confusing.
My title on paper is support technician and I'm on the DevOps team but I have my own project to automate health checks. So most the accurate title for me would actually be Automation Developer Attached To [department name] DevOps

When you spend hours doing cross browser capability checks on your PC workstation at work and your web app looks like trash on Safari on your Mac at home.

Trying to debug why there's NaN% instead of 15% (project in JS).
Later realises isNaN(Val) literally checks for NaN datatype rather than Val is a number or not.
*shit*
Ctrl Shift F - isNaN in Atom (searches entire project), rethinks logic, refactors code
Looks around *no ones there*
Silently pushes the changes along with another major commit.

*Gets a call*
*Gets phone out of pocket, phone goes silent*
*Checks who called... PM*
*Calls back PM*
*No answer*

Pm comes in 2 minutes later, I asked her why she called me and said:

"Oh I didn't manage to use my badge to enter the building, I was calling you but suddenly the badge worked"

FG_FGDFDLFMVDLöGPçT"*R"*¨23r*WMLSC;S

sr: XML is difficult format parse PDF instead.

me: (-_-)ゞ゛

checks code...

foo.fooBar = element
.match("<XMLELement>(.*)</XMLElement>")[1]
?.trim();

me: (☉_☉)

The feel when you remember you have left any vulnerability in your code.
a wired wave arise in your body.

I can’t understand why every time I work for a multimillionaire company that sells their product to thousands of companies, when I start to debug this fucking product it crashes because of the absence of simple input checks... wtf

“Can’t divide by zero”
“Null everywhere”

That feeling when you hace your first talk with new lead QA, all the way from Microsoft:

QA (sitting at her new desk & PC): "How do I get the log in screen?"
Me (trying to be helpful): "Have you checked the machine is on?"
<QA checks>
QA: "How do I turn it on?"

Ok so apparently somebody at Google gcp thought it would be a great idea to be able to select more than one instance at a time and select something like delete and it goes ahead and deletes it without any sanity checks.

3 days down the tube

all documentation points to an Invalid auth token being code 400 (ignore the fact that this is a code in the JSON response and not HTTP)

Me: here iz credential. Plz send datas
API: haha fock off and die mate, then credentials you got there aren’t workin’
API: code 998 invalid auth token
Me: *speechless* so that’s why it took me longer than it did to find that error, because YOUR CODE WAS MISSING ALL MY CHECKS FOR CODE 400.

Why can’t people design apis properly.

Going through the conversation for xxxxth time with my business partner, why we will not launch a new product on top of pre-made PHP script / plugin.

Just got our company into TDD, and automated QA via CI server & code checks etc, PLEASE stop trying to drag us back into the land of spaghetti code & bug legions in production. That's all thxbye.

I was thinking about how I implement login functionality, and realised I have no clue how I came up with it so decided to ask if it was a good way to do things.

Basically, client logs in, username/email and pass are sent to server.

Server salts and hashes password and checks it against the one in the database for that user.

If its correct, send the client the user ID and the user token. (User id could be username, or a number, it depends)

When that client makes a request, the request must contain the ID and token.

The server checks that the ID and token combo are correct, and because the ID is linked to the user we know who it is and can complete the request.

Usually I make the token a random string of 16 or 32 chars, each account has their own token, and it may be stored in the browser so they stay logged in. I also normally add a "log out everywhere" button, which essentially just generates a new token to overrides the current one, making any previously saved tokens invalid.

Staying up till late in the night just to get this message. Finally it's done. :D

In modern applications it's media files that take up so much space, code files are relatively s-

*checks size of Rust project* -> 4GB wtf?
Turns out Rust Language Server generated fucking 3.6 gigabytes of "code analysis"!
Hey, I like what they're doing with RLS but seriously, 3.6 GB? I'm on an SSD, people. Every byte counts.

Rust is still 😍 though

Got a senior dev at work.

The guy is good at his job, no doubt, but his insecurity drives me up the wall.

- Constantly double checks work done by non-seniors.
- Setup a policy where only seniors can code review.
- Tells non-seniors not to give out advice as they don't know what they're talking about.
- Edits pull requests for you.
- Demands unobtainable quality for insignificant pieces of work.
- Patronising teams messages on the regular.

We're all just trying to get work done and he's always acting like we haven't got enough stripes on the badge.

First dev job is my current one.

I'm a software engineer in test, writing automated UI tests for web and mobile apps.

Its pretty great. I work from home with flexible hours. I have a boss but he doesnt manage my dev team, he just checks in to make sure I'm getting support, training and have all my questions answered. My dev team is myself and 2 other people, both of which are cool, and all the work is dev-driven.

Might just stay here until retirement, that sounds easy.

My face when PM checks the project day before the deadline and list down time consuming changes that needs to be completed the next day (Deadline day) before 10:00AM.

Sysadmin's nemesis: a DBA. Especially an oracle DBA. There's no other kind of tech worker I've seen who's more opposed to best practices.

How about for devs?

Do any of you have two browser instances for personal and work things? I do at least, and it's so annoying when I click a link and it opens in my personal browser instead of my work one.

So I made a script that I set as default browser that checks the link and opens the correct browser. Oh boy do I love Linux :D

php's type hints are completely broken.

Why is strict mode not the default? Why does it completely break down for arrays? (You have to abuse phpdocs to get any meaningful hints but you still lose any runtime checks.) What's with union types? (I know, php8 now has them but what took you so long.)

Me: I'm quite good at C programming language
Also me: Checks man page for library functions' information

Ran the build today 4:30 and found out our grunt file is missing some pretty critical error checks without even logging a warning. A dependency was unavailable and it was pushed to production. The site was down for 30+ minutes.

Most of my time coding in Javascript goes to handling null checks and fixing crashes caused due to missed null checks.
`"abc" is undefined` is an error which I must have seen more number of times than any other bug in console and even in real life.

Tl;dr: I'm a shitty PHP programmer, but even a shittier JS programmer.

I made a whole image upload system which has an elaborate login/sign up facility, checks the dimensions of an image, it's size, checks if it's broken, compares it to previous uploads to prevent duplicates, take comments, sorts them per user and stores it efficiently in a db and accesses it using PDO, not mySQL, displays it as a gallery, and even lets the users transfer images amongst them.
But I can't make a simple shopping cart in js.

Why? Just, why?

When some one else checks in code by merging a class you wrote, but now they've broken the build .. And some how it's now my problem 😳

In a helper for a testing environment there was a flag called CheckLayoutConf. The documentation stated: if set checks if the layout configuration is valid and fixes it. I was curious about the validation and fixing mechanisms, so I looked into the code. But if the flag is set, then the layout configuration is just deleted, so in the next start of the program a new default layout configuration is created. Nice "validation" and "fixing" you for there, I thought to myself.

Write an app or design a toilet that checks consistency of my poop and tells me what to eat
Suggestions are welcome on what to call it

Me: "Oh right I still had to fix that"
Me: *fixes thing*
Me: *checks on staging to make sure it all works*
Thing: *works absolutely fine*
Me: "Cool, let's promote it"
Me: *updates production stack*
Me: *checks on production to make sure it works*
Thing: *still broken*

dsfhjh dsaghdsaupot nvhudfot vnhgue

Phone meeting with the makers of a program the company uses regularly:

Me: "so I believe you received the list of problems we have run into recently, can you walk us through how to make the changes necessary to fix them?"

them: "we see none of these errors"

me: "that's impossible, we had all of them yesterday, they crashed a few servers"

*checks version number on program, it's different*

me: "hold on one second"

*checks computer log, they were logged in this morning before I came in*

I figured out they received the list, fixed it, and then turned to us and said we didn't know what we were talking about because none of the errors were there, because they wanted to look superior.

Fuck those guys.

I've been working for two days (after work) on my blog idea...

Man I forgot how fun it is to work on your own projects, and the stuff I learn at the moment... It is insane!

I am currently a very happy developer, hopefully I can keep this up.

I still have to look into automated unit testing and code formatting checks with github though, cant wait!

Heads-up, stop using email as a user-id in your systems. netikras@gmail.com and net.ikras@gmail.com are the same recipient. And noone really checks for that dot when validating a new user in our systems, do we? :)

Android, the development side.

First it was cool to put stuff together and then i wanted to actually use the phone hardware and realized that the api is terrible and abstracted away in the worst way possible.

Like every java dev would make something like new Camera().photo("penis.jpg") and let the gc take care of the rest but nooooooooo you need persisted objects and datastreams and special permission checks.

Question: is it common for test guys to ask you for data that requires you to explicitly break your software? I mean literally remove safety checks from the software to generate such data? Cuz our test guys seem hell bent on breaking our system, even if it means supplying data that is illegal.

I've just received an urgent bug report email saying something like:

Stop sending [item] to destination. This should have been taken care of in the initial work, but we forgot to say so.

... The work they requested was that [item] gets sent to destination if the user checks a checkbox. If I wasn't supposed to build this, then what did they want me to build in the first place?!

So these same mother fuckers that think 8:00 is reasonable time for a meeting, have decided that the health checks need tk be done by 7:00

But no, I must just be grateful to have work

The year is 2035 and HR checks your rants to see what kind of employee you will be :D lord save us.

- Implemented oauth1 - no body hashing
- URL contains credentials in plain text
- Used Azure API management feature as a proxy of the our API, however the documentation was on the our API, thus exposing the API URL with no management to developers.
- easy resource DDoSing because each trial user got a DB, the registration process did not have bot checks. You could literally freeze the db instance by spamming registration requests.

Golangs error handling is really annoying. I'm writing a cli that does a bunch of stuff, and a lot of that could cause an error. Now I have to either explicitly ignore the errors everywhere or write an abundant if, that simply checks if the error exists and print it to console. So I either won't see any errors when something goes wrong, or I will have ugly bloated code... wtf, I want "throw" back

I mean, seriously? Skipping over the line that disables certificates checks... Did you forget where the button to run the build is?

Just when i somehow accepted that Austrian part of team is naming theirs methods in Deutch, i almost got heart attack when i saw this. They're combining english with deutch, for example isOffen(), isLoeschenAllowed(), isEinsichtHinzufuegenAllowed() and so on... And most of the time these assholes even dont add javadoc, but when they do it something like: "Checks if *curentClass* is offen". Thanks a fucking ton.

Do you guys know the feeling when your opening PR on side project late at night..

The CI takes forever to make all the analyses and checks and you almost fall asleep because your so fucking tired?

Visiting a webshop and ordering what you need? Wack.

Visiting a webshop, seeing that what you need has to be ordered, assuming it costs extra money (it doesnt), calling your son on the other fucking side of the country, telling him to buy the exact same thing there and when he checks the local webshop what says he has to order it too, saying 'no it has to be available there'? Woke.

Thanks mom very cool.

Customer: You say you connect to XYZ service, but my data is not getting synced!

*checks their account*
Me: I see you have not integrated your two accounts. Go to Settings > Integrations > Connect to XYZ.

C: Why? But you already connect XYZ! You should already know all of my data!

Wrote a set of beautiful Swift functions. Runs Xcode, nothing. Checks code...looks good...clean build, delete app, re-install, rebuild...nothing. Checks documentation, watches three videos, re-writes code...nothing. Stares at screen for an hour...realizes I never actually called the functions. Closes laptop, checks self into pysch ward.

Background: Process issue in the plant that the workers said was a software problem. I’m a Software Dev Manager

Exec: This is broken and it is a software problem. We just noticed it this week.

Me: Couldn’t have been us, relevant code was changed this time last year. Sounds like a process issue.

Exec: Can you give me an exact date it was changed last year?

Me: (Seriously, WTF?... checks git...) It was changed on December 2nd, 2016. Couldn’t have been us.

Exec: Can you detail that change for us?

Me: (GTFO) No, not my problem, stop trying to make it my problem.

When a company reaches the point where ya need to do welfare checks and send out a link to a crisis helpline at Christmas, y'all gone fucked up so many times you're putting a band aid on a broken arm.

Whoever put the hundreds of static_cast<T *>(p) followed by nullptr-checks in the code I am working on: Someday I will find you and then I beat you to death with a hardcover version of "C++ for dummies"!

There's very little good use cases for mongo, change my mind.

Prototyping maybe? Rails can prototype, create/update/destroy db schemas really quickly anyways.

If you're doing a web app, there's tons of libs that let you have a store in your app, even a fake mongo on the browser.

Are the reads fast? When I need that, use with redis.

Can it be an actual replacement for an app's db? No. Safety mechanisms that relational dbs have are pretty much must haves for a production level app.
Data type checks, null checks, foreign key checks, query checks.
All this robustness, this safety is something critical to maintain the data of an app sane.

Screw ups in the app layer affecting the data are a lot less visible and don't get noticed immediately (things like this can happen with relational dbs but are a lot less likely)

Let's not even get into mutating structures. Once you pick a structure with mongo, you're pretty much set.
Redoing a structure is manual, and you better have checks afterwards.

But at the same time, this is kind of a pro for mongo, since if there's variable data, as in some fields that are not always present, you don't need to create column for them, they just go into the data.

But you can have json columns in postgres too!

Is it easier to migrate than relational dbs? yes, but docker makes everything easy also.

Service status pages that poorly reflect actual service status are so annoying. Ex. GitHub is having a lot of latency issues with processing updates and like 5 people in my office noticed it while their status page still says everything is fine.

This isn't to explicitly call out GitHub since many service status pages behave like this, but it definitely shows a general weakness in these health checks. I've seen similar issues with tons of services, web hosts, etc. Monitoring is definitely hard but will hopefully keep getting better.

Why are OSS maintainers so fucking incompetent and cocky? A documentation clearly says to use "use_parent_assets: true" when creating a child theme. Yet not a single fucking line of code actually checks that value. The fix is literary a single if(value) assets = deepMerge(parentAssets, assets). But because some contributor somewhere didn't write that line to the maintainer's liking, it's been hanging in the air for months.

Take your head of of your ass, there's thousands of people paying for support & addons for your product, and you can't add one fucking line to fix a rather critical bug.