I used to work with a guy who had 2 PH.Ds, in Computer Science and Electrical Engineering and over 600 patents but I kid you not the guy could not use the coffee machine. Now it's not like this coffee machine was as easy as a Keurig, it was some $20,000 espresso machine that took a while to figure out but I tried teaching him how to use it a few dozen times and still he couldn't get it right. It got to the point where I thought he was faking it so that others would make it for him so I offered him $500 if he could figure it out. Still nope. So for the remaining 2 years we worked together I made him coffee whenever he wanted, 2-4 times a day, and he bought me lunch everyday. Before I left the company I bought him a Keurig so that when I left he'd still have coffee.

Difference between C# and Javascript
Me: Hold my cup of tea.
C#: That's not a cup of tea.
Me: Hold my cup of tea, with two teaspoons of sugar in it.
C#: That's not a cup of tea with two tea spoons of sugar in it.
Me: Hold my cup of tea, with two teaspoons of sugar and milk in it.
C#: That is not a cup of tea, with two teaspoons of sugar and milk it.
...
Me: Hold my cup of tea.
Javascript: I'll hold your cup of coffee.

Me - "Hey, would you like a coffee?"

Linux User - "Let me tell you about Linux."

Me if there's no coffee at work:

(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ I WANT COFFEE.

┻━┻ ︵ ヽ(°□°ヽ) I WANT COFFEE.

┻━┻ ︵ ＼\('0')/／ ︵ ┻━┻

I WANT COFFEE!

ಠ_ಠ Kurt...

ಠ_ಠ Put.

ಠ__ಠ The tables.

ಠ___ಠ Back.

(╮°-°)╮┳━┳

(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻ NEVER!

Friend: I hate my new OnePlus 6. It's really slow and hangs a lot

Me: I can't believe

Friend: Use it yourself, you'll know.

*Me using his phone
*Realising it was really slow
*Checking his installed apps

- CCleaner
-DU Booster
-Antivirus free version
-Antivirus pro
-Antivirus ultimate
-Battery Saver
-App Booster
-Super Cleaner
-RAM Master

*poured poision in his coffee
*enjoyed watching him die slowly

How do you feel when there is no coffee??

Me: Depresso

Just me minding my own bussiness at a coffee shop (not starbucks) and a stranger comes up to me.

“Check line 37, might be an error there (laughs)”

I was shocked to say that she’s correct, is she the one guys?

Me: Coffee has more coffee than energy drinks.

Coworker: You're right, coffee does have more coffee than energy drinks.

Me: I meant caffeine!

~yesterday at a coffee shop~

Brother *bragging* about new workstation: "he" has 512gb of ram.

His friend: imagine how many chrome tabs you can keep open at once!

Me: almost one.

GitHub is down. House about to be flooded by a hurricane. Data Centers about to be flooded by a hurricane. Dentist appointment today. ... you know what's going well for me today? Coffee. I have a fucking cup of coffee.

FUCK YOU TOO COFFEE MACHINE!
HANDING ME YOUR STUPID FUCKING SHITTY WATER BACK. YOU'RE SUPPOSED BREW SOME FUCKING COFFEE TO FUCKING MAKE ME AWAKE WITH ONE FUCKING HOUR OF SLEEP NOT PISS IN MY CUP!
I'll just go back to bed...

Got married yesterday and am now on a call for the same problem that occurred over Christmas...

I need a new job...

When I'm right in the middle of a difficult piece of code/algorithm and a colleague gets me a cup of coffee without me asking

Me - okay mom im going to sleep don't bother me.

Mom - okay goodnight sweet heart.

Me - *puts on headphone , have a cup of coffee and begin to code*

Client: "Can you make this totally dynamic function calling system 100℅ fault-proof?"
Me: "Hell yeah, hold my coffee"

Was working on some a project at a coffee shop with my girlfriend when I got frustrated and exclaimed "God damn why is this method breaking everything". My girlfriend looks up at me and starts in surprise "code can break?".

I don't need coffee to code.
Will the society accept me?

Best: how do you like your coffee?
Me: Black.

Got the internship

Faaaaaaaaaaaak. Elevator door closed on me and friggin cracked my favorite GitHub coffee mug.. RIP

!rant

Working at home this Saturday. My wife made coffee, some toasted bread and is leaving me quiet in my corner. She's the best!

!rant
After knocking off from work, I went to nearby Coffee shop to grab a Coffee. I met a girl and we started talking about our day. She asked me to do her a favor and take a look at her laptop, it’s been playing up for sometime now. So, I went. She took me to her bedroom where the laptop was, and the conversation continued on topic romance, sex and girlfriend. You know what happened next…Yes.

For the first time in my life I fixed a hot cheeks computer and got laid.

What was wrong? There was a malware in her computer which was opening random websites.

I love my wife, i really do. But seriously.... STOP PULLING ME OUT OF THE ZONE for every tiny thing!

She:
"... can you make me a coffee"

Me:
"sure babe"

What i actually want to say:
"Its a fucking one button machine, do it yourself you lazy shit. And it takes me half an hour to go back this deep! Isnt it enough that i did all house chores made you dinner and took the dog out after working for 8 hours streight. You better give me some attention later tonight, since you should have more then enough power after sleeping all day! If i would at least get a compliment... GIVE ME COMPIMENTS."

Non-smoker coffee lover. Who's with me?

My dev superpower would be the power to magically refill anything.
Out of hot coffee? Refill your thermos!
Bank account running low? Refill with money!
Battery empty? Refill with charge!
Going bald like me? Refill your head with hair!
Bed empty? Refill with beautiful women!
Clients / managers annoying you? Refill their bladders!
The possibilites are limitless!

OK morning rant from yesterday.

Get into the venue, connect my surface to the dock, keyboard won't work.
Try more USB ports, try another machine, keyboard (corsair k70) is totally broken.

Ugh.
Fine.

Disassemble keyboard, someone asks me a question, turn around and knock full coffee cup over my surface book.

Fuck sake.
Now I need a new laptop.

Waking up, feeling like I have a cold I sit down at my computer and see that my biggest client has asked for a minor change. I haven't had my coffee yet, but I can do what they're asking for in a minute. The site is *gone*. Just a permissions error. Have they been hacked?! Why hasn't the client called me?! The files are there and no changes have been made. It doesn't come up on any browser. 10 panicked minutes later I check it on my phone. It comes up. Wait a minute ... While editing /etc/hosts yesterday I'd accidentally uncommented a line for this site that I'd foolishly left in there. One character later my false alarm is solved. I'm getting my damned coffee now.

Rating:
"1 star for now. Will give 5 stars if it can make me coffee, bring me breakfast in bed and drive me to work."

It's a digital assistant not a literal butler you troll!

This coffee is looking at me funny...

Conversations between 2 java programmers.

Me: How it's possible that your code works?
Frank: I don't know. I try 10 times, and each time, I get an error.
Then I take a break...
Eat a humburger, play ping pong, drink coffee.
Me: That's it?
Frank: Yes
Me: I need a break...

Work has been very stressful lately...
But after one week of vacation (and two in front of me) I am ready to get back to my side-projects again...

coffee: checked
music: checked

Lets GO! This feels so good! I am glad to be back ;-)

!dev

Just went to Starbucks for the first time.
$5 for a coffee, fuck me...

Very funny/random/weird partly non-dev related story that happened today.

We're selling our coffee machine at work since the coffee is gross.

Someone wants to buy it and wants it to be sent.

Coworker: just the general way through a package?
Other coworker: hmm yeah through post is fine
Me: POSTAL PIDGIN
other colleague: BY PENGUIN
Another colleague: BY LIKE 100 PENGUINS FLYING THAT THING THROUGH THE AIR WITH LIKE WIRES ATTACHED TO IT
Me: just hold on for a second and imagine this graphically...
Colleagues: damn that would be fucking genius xD

Yeah we're quite random 😆

Which is why I wrote my coffee machine in Linux! This is real photo taken by me in englewood co this morning.

Flyer: "Looking for someone to code for coffee factory-thingy, we will not pay you in cash."

Me: "Fucking Pass!"

Flyer: "-We will pay you in bags of coffee instead, from itally"

Me: "-me that pen and sign me up!"

!rant but True story!

OMG, my coworker (rather elderly if it matters), asked if he needs to open webapp in internet exploder.. < - It was intentional, but this happened in convo over morning coffe and me and some other guy almost choked with laugher & coffee..

Fucking brilliant! IE = Internet EXPLODEr! Love it!

Man, I love my coworkers (some)!!!!

An AI that fixes my bugs and makes me a medium hot cup of coffee..

There are things that i wish i didn't see.

Yesterday, i went to a coffee shop to relax and reviewing my works. And suddenly a college friend of mine approach me and we started talking about work.

Me: So, What do you do at work? What's your stack?
Him: Not much of a new. Still working with wordpress, html,css and jquery.

So he started talking about how cool wordpress is and how he generates money doing sites.

Me: Can i see your sample works?
Him: Sure, *opens his shitty windows laptop with Web Tech stickers*. and handover his laptop to me.
Me: Woah. the design is so neat (I'm lying). But it's freaking slow man(REALLY FVCKING SLOW).

* I decided to open the devTools and inspected the source code. And I can't believe what i saw.

- 20+ images with 2~4mb file size
- 13 unminified javascript files with variable declarations that looks like minified.
- CDN's of bootstrap, foundation and semantic UI
- LOTS OF FVCKING PLUGINS

* I didn't told him what i saw. I just turn over the laptop to him and finish my coffee.

Him: My sites are cool right? I have a lot of pending projects right now. Easy money Bruh!
Me: Wow. *sips* coffee. and say goodbye to him and walkout.

I FEEL BAD FOR HIS CLIENTS!

These mother fuckers know when I'm packed up and ready to go to work and decide that's the perfect fucking time to call me. WHY COULDN'T YOU CALL WHILE I WAS STILL LOGGED IN AND DIDN'T HAVE TO LOG THE FUCK BACK IN, WAIT 90 YEARS FOR THE VIRTUAL MACHINE TO LOG ME IN and then tell me your issue self resolved. Come down to my office and bring me coffee for being so damn annoying before I'm sufficiently caffeinated.

My doctor told me to remove coffee from my diet for a week

This will be a looong week

I'm a Dev that doesn't like coffee, fuck me right?

Outside more like in a coffee shop for me lol

Someone wrote a piece of code half a year ago. It's fuckin complex and recursive. And uncommented. Today it's my job to figure out WHY and HOW it works.
If it wasn't clear before, that someone who wrote it was me. I'm not sure if I was on some substances back then, but that shit is fast and I have no clue how I was able to create it. Perhaps it was the coffee overdose...

However, wish me luck figuring this thing out.

- No I wont give you a ballpark estimate.
- No I wont grab a cup of coffee to discuss your idea
- No I wont check out your existing app/website

I'm a professional and my time is actually what I'm selling. If you want me to spend my time on you then you better spend yours to persuade me.

Send me a brief, your research on competitors, your roadmap, a deck, whatever. I'll probably won't read any of it. But at least I'll now that you you mean business and you value and respect my time.

The people I work with are so fucking antisocial. Everyone waits until the kitchen is empty before going to get a coffee. Also, the dev next to me seems to think breathing heavily is a great idea. Fuck these people.

Oh...the kitchen is free! Time for coffee!

Small Me(m): learning some basic code
Senior Dev(d): *walks by and sees my code*
m: hey got any advice on this?
d: learn to use regular expression. *walks away*
m: 30min later... *Mind blown*

And coffee of course ☕

boss: what else resource do you need

me: a cup of coffee

My prepaid travelcard company sends me an email whenever I buy coffee for 50 cents. Decides to ignore when I make a €2500 withdrawal.

Im way to fucking dense... Today a girl tried to show me she wanted to get to know me.

I was at McDonalds to get a coffee at McCafe. Since Im a regular there I know one of the guys enough to make jokes with him. So I was talking to him while he was making my coffee. Just before he finished it a girl interrupted him with the question if she could finish it. All she had to do was draw something with caramel on top of the cream.

I thought it was kinda rude because I was talking with her colleague. She gave me the cup and I walked out after thanking her, only to realize what she had drawn after I sat on my bicycle.

She had drawn a big heart with a question mark in it. I didnt really pay attention to the girl because I was annoyed she broke of the conversation and just took my coffee and walked out.

Now Im trying to remember what she looks like so I can talk to her tomorrow, but I dont even remember her hair color..

12th cup of tea of the day, 12 more to go, coffee is not counted

Caffeine will kill me

3 years going to the same coffee shop to work on various projects every weekend. Finally someone comes up to me for a chat about programming!!!

This is how most comments in code are. Why are you telling me it's a coffee cup, I can fucking see it's a coffee cup, who owns it and why is it right here? Are you putting coffee in it or something else?

My smart watch just reminded me to get my lazy ass out of my chair and move some.
I picked up my coffee cup, drank a sip.
That satisfied it.
Lazyness : 1 - Technology: 0

Is it normal my boss want me to pay for the coffee I drink at work? 🤔
He asks me €1 for 2 coffee capsules for his coffee machine, while each costs only 22 cents… fucking bastard.
And it doesn't even taste good…

Procaffeinating--- It pisses me off when the lipstick that I'm wearing alters the taste of the coffee.

I simply hope no one bashes my head against the wall for this for this...

I don't like coffee!

There, the words spilled out of my mouth! I simply don't like coffee.

I remember the first time I drank coffee, I was trying to study for finals. A few moments after my lips departed from the cup, I got a really bad headache and stomachache. How do you coffee lovers handle that?

Needless to say, that was simply not a pleasant night for me. I despise coffee and coffee despises me.

Fuck you idiots at medium.com for your sheer impudence. Not only that you track me, which I havn't agreed to, you think it's a good idea to nag around and gather even more data!
You stinking farts label your stalking as "let's make things official"! Who shit in your head?
I've seen other places way more often, and guess what, no coffee bar has ever had the idea to ask for my ID card just because I bought my second or third coffee there.
But just because it's the internet you think it's OK to be intrusive wankers, yeah?! Fuck off.

!rant

Am I the only dev who doesn't drink coffee?

Not drinking coffee makes me a bad coder? 🤔

- Go to sleep early
- Get up at 5-6
- Drink quality coffee
- Work at your desk not from the bed or couch
- Don't start new projects until the last one is done
- Have a good and healthy diet
- Excercise frequently

Essentially don't be like me... Be like anyone else but me and you'll do fine...

First and last time I used tinder, the guy figured that I know sOmeThIng aBoUt Co_0mpUters and asked me to fix some stuff on his website. I can't complain, it was the least boring part of this "date". And free coffee.
tinder.delete();

getting onto the elevator just behind someone,

like 3 seconds behind him,

he presses his floor and doesn't press the hold doors option, doors close on me , coffee goes all over the place

Fuck that Ballbag, hope he eats sumthing dodgy and he shits himself!!

Yesterday my boss saw me getting my 4th cup of coffee and asked: Isn't that a bit much?
Me: Didn't you know? Programmers run on coffee and pizza.
Him: I allways thought it was cigarettes and (something I don't remember...)
Me:... '-.-

First time my laptop acted as a CV.

I've been in a personal project with my pal for like a three months. We meet sometimes at a cafe which is a very nice workplace, we often see more people with laptops, so we are not the only ones that thinks so.

My pal was waiting for me, he got a table early and then I arrived. there was a guy nearby us.

Me: (this guy has a newest new macbook pro, fucking riche)

-- I sit, put my laptop and start to work with my pal --

The guy starts looking at my stickers without hiding his doing at all. I noticed that instantly

Me: (Crap, he's gonna ask something :( )

-- I kept discussing stuff with my pal for like 5 minutes and then it happened. the guy stands up and... --

Guy: hey! how are you? sorry for bother, are you perhaps developers? I'm asking because I saw your stickers

Me: mmm yes

Guy: Do you have a job currently?

Me: We are in a project (No need to mention this is personal project and I got my full time job)

Guy: Oh, ok, no problem, you see I got a company, and currently we are looking for people to work with us, we want frontend developers with javascript skills preferable, but anything is welcome. Interviews starts next week, so if you are interested or know someone that could be, I'll give you my card and please write me at my mail if anything.

Me: got it, no problem.

-- I tried my best to hide my displeasure face(but I think I showed it a little), for him to being a riche with a new macbook pro, and you know, the interruption, I wanted to be focused while working in da project --

-- I got the card, I read it a bit, didn't dig into too much, there was stuff to do at the moment. the guy already returned to his chair and my friend --

Pal: Excuse me Mr Guy, what's the job tittle?

Me: (FUCK! dude!, we're working in our shit, don't give him more reason to try to scout us. we are behind the schedule and I need to explain this shit to you FFS)

Guy: Oh yes, will be frontend developer(again), but if you are a full stack that will be a plus too, we got some stuff with angular 1.x(ugh), and sencha touch(ugh) and ...(don't remember what else was it)

Pal: Ok and the job is full time in site? or are you open to work remotely

Me: (ok man, you sound interested, that makes me look interested too >:( )

Guy: preferable in site, but we would consider remotely depending on the person.

Pal: Good! thank you very much Mr. X

Guy: cool

-- Later on, like two hours, my friend goes to the counter for more coffee --

-- I text him: dude, I feel the guy will kidnap me or something --
-- then the guy start looking again at my laptop and... ---

Guy: hey! Jhon was your name right? Do you have experience with devops? I see your aws stickers

Me: yes

Guy: do you have experience with microservices?

Me: yes, a bit with lambda, also I've done some stuff with kubernetes, opsworks, rds and whatnot. no biggie

Guy: oh cool! we have a devops job too, there is a migration we need to do for an app to micro services. again if you are interested or know someone that it does. please mail me :)

Me: gotcha

There were no further interactions with Mr. Guy the rest of the day.

I'll be thrilled if someone ask me about my bee and puppycat sticker

Coffee, weed, and NPR.

Don't judge me!

Apartment owner tells me to get out for a few hours while he repairs some stuff around the house . Get laptop , get wallet , go to kfc , go to order , only have money to get a large coke and a coffee , set up laptop , start working on my 2D game project , one hour later hobo comes in and begs around for 2 mins , before the guard catches him , he goes to order instead and gets a large duo bucket with coffee ...fml being a poor dev before paycheck...

If you drink coffee and code with earphones on then you're already a cool person for me

Show me your coffee cup. This is mine.

Is it just me or does this shirt make no sense? If your coffee was empty, then it would return true and you would keep coding. If it was not empty you would fill it.

Plus it's not a while loop, so unless this is some sort of recursion you wouldn't keep going....

I have the best reason not to leave my "office-chair"...

More comfort and colleagues bringing me coffee😎☕️

I get great support from my coworkers and friends! Thank you!!!

Fren: you suck at design
Me: hold my coffee, you baka gajin

Me and colleague went to coffee shop to work...
C -> colleague
M -> Me

...
C: "do you know what I tell myself when I want to gain the courage to talk to a girl I like?":
M: (gave it some thought) "No what?"
C: "If internet explorer has the courage to ask me to become the default browser! Then what am I afraid of?"
M: "No wonder your relationships are buggy! And full of insecurities!"

there are more kinds of programmers :
the ones that drink coffee
the ones that drink alcohol
and there's me eating sunflower seeds

I regretfully procrastinated the entire week so now I must suffer with my projects.

Both programming and non programming related.

I blame the fact I was distracted with Netflix, books, google docs, and devRant.

Well... Time to drink some coffee, even though I'm a coffee hater. The caffine in tea has no influence on me, so nasty coffee it is.

I hate coffee. But because I'm a developer, people just assume I love it and don't offer me an alternative.

Have u built your own robo who makes coffee for u while you are coding?

0- yes! // u r cooooool!!!
1- no. // me 2 😸☕

[If you answered yes, then comment how did you ]

Programming made me addicted to coffee

So here I am at 4am ranting about not being able to sleep after having drank some at 2

Coffee helps me maintain my “never killed anyone streak”

> Take girlfriend to Starbucks
Me: I'll ask for a cold brewed coffee, what would you like?
She: I don't like coffee...

Can somebody please drown me in coffee?

I could need the caffeine.

Which of your everyday tools do you like most?

For me it's:
- Sublime Text
- IntelliJ
- BetterSnapTool (os x)
- coffee machine
- Zsh

No amount of coffee can prepare me for this code review

This happens more often than I care to admit.
I take a coffee, then I drink a sip.
Because it's too hot I put him aside.
Start working
Lose track of everything around me
Then when I am no longer distracted by the stupid bullshit line of code that I was stuck at, I go to drink the coffee and is FUCKING COLD!!!!!

Is it just me or are developers obligated to drink coffee?

1. Keep your rythm: 7/8 hours of sleep each day and DON'T take your work home. Unless you have your own business ofcourse. Still: don't wear yourself out!

2. Put on music. Me personally like fast punk when i'm struggling with a deadline. Makes you want to go faster.

3. Close ALL communication like chats, mail etc. Hell i even thought of a sign "do not disturb"

4. Coffee. Lot's of coffee

5. Use a time tracking method like pomodoro

Coffee and music. Lots of both. Swap coffee for alcohol in the evening.

When you take a coffee break and a spider 🕷️randomly decides to invade your beverage ☕...

🕷️: Look at me, I own this cup now...

So, you ask me for a quote. You know nothing about the technology or the problem, but you think the quote is too high.

On what fucking basis are you assessing the quote? On the number of words? Font? Whether your spouse/cat hates you (both do). Basically, whatever I said, you'd have said it was too high, right?

Fuckwit.

Next time *you* tell *me* how much you have to spend and I'll tell you what you can get for your budget.

Maybe a coffee and a small cake.

Don't fucking call me again.

that moment as a sys admin when everything is in peace and you have nothing to do.
I usually go outside and get me a nice cup of coffee at a local cafe

today its a Latte Machiato with white chocolate

Colleague: Cookies taste best with Coffee.
Me: Tried them with sessions?

Me: Can you do the javadocs comments
Coworker: I've never done that, *looks for it on google*, I can't do it, I don't know how.
Me: Did no one asked you to comment you code at school?
Coworker: Yeah, but only the ones with '//'
Me: Ok, bring me coffee

It's funny how all the pretty girls on LinkedIn want to have a cup of coffee with me after I updated my profile to match my current position. Previously not even bots on Tinder would chat to me.

Where I currently work (and have done for 10 years) we were recently recruiting for another dev, and one of the other devs and our line manager were running the interviews.

After 3 or 4 failed interviews they decided to test the questions on me... I got 3 out of 10 :(

My argument was (and still is) if I get stuck programming I can google, or you can teach me new stuff. And I can make a good cup of coffee

Me: (upon waking up) "I am going to be very productive today."
Me: (during my commute) "I am going to be very productive today."
Me: (getting coffee before going in) "I am going to be very productive today."
Me: (sitting down to be very productive today) "Oh look! New devRant notifications!"

How do you like them apples ?
Devrant style

No kidding she was looking at me while I was drinking coffee, I almost spill everything up seeing that.

Dammit apple let me have some privacy !

I eat it...

Bring me some coffee.

Being able to drink coffee (nope no decaf) including espresso's without my heart complaining. Idk that taste always gives me a boost!

Been a while but I'm back with fresh rants.

If you look in my history you will see support wanted us devs to start paying for writing bugs. Now the release presentation has passed but we're still in crunch time because we can't put clients onto the new version yet. And in the meantime our coffee machine broke. So support has started to manually pour coffee, which was actual real nice of them.

Now yesterday I'm in a hurry and the coffee is out so I decide to pour a quick cup for myself with the leftover grounds. When I'm back at my desk I get a call asking if I just made coffee. I'm like yeah something wrong? Proceed to get chewed out for being selfish and that they see how it is with me, then get hung up on before I can even explain.

So yeah not only is my company too cheap to get a new machine, the lack of one causes drama.

Today however our network guy, who was present when my colleagues asked what was with the weird phone call, brought in his own machine and let me have coffee from it. Meanwhile suport can keep their crappy manual pouring. And I don't need to go into their office anymore.

Me: okay brain! We had our morning coffee. We're ready to work. Lots of things to do today.

Brain: yay! I feel unstoppable! Can't wait for logic problems and amazing things we're going to build! What's the plan?

Me: great! Today we're going to work on the ios implementation of our app. Where should we start?

Brain: ...

Me: brain?

My day.

07.25 early ringing of phone.

I'm usually dead asleep till 9 o clock.

Went to bed at 01 o clock.

Something crushed at work, needed to be fixed ASAP.

No coffee. Tired. Stinking peace of garbage

08.45 o clock - super market delivery came earlier than expected, while la me was still trying to communicate necessary steps to resolve the issue.

Forgot to pre pay online.

Still had no coffee, still a piece of stinking shit, still tired.

Took me nearly 20 mins to get my PIN right.

Poor delivery guy had unpleasant call from chef, I needed to deescalate.

Back to work, people angry for me being 20 mins away in midst of chaos.

Me back to fixing stuff.

Done at 09.30.

One of these days where everything you touch becomes a large pile of poop and no matter what you do it's wrong.

Yep. The rest of the day went pretty much as bonkers as it started.

At least no work on weekend.

Yay.

Girlfriend: How much water did you drink today?
Me: About 3 litres.
Girlfriend: How much of that is coffee?
Me: 5 cups.
Girlfriend: How can you count coffee in that?
Me: Why not?
Girlfriend: It's diuretic.
Me: Yes, but it's still water that goes through my body.
Girlfriend: You're such a smart-ass, huh?
Me: Well, yes, I am.
Girlfriend: So why are you so tired if you think you're drinking enough water? Well?
Me: Never ask a question you don't want to know the answer to.

Girlfriend slammed the door.

So no, women don't want honest men. Guys, lie, lie, lie.

And now I can look at the error message.

Today, the coffee machine gave me only a lump of sugar. Without coffee, without water and without glass. It's going to be a long long day...

Story time!

Like I mentioned in a previous rant, I’m (or was) a coca-cola addict. Coca-cola has caffeine, right?

This happened a tuesday. I forgot my mug at home (I wanted to draw it a bat🦇) so I bought a jumbo coffee at a store near my office. I drank it, and then, all my partners went to the kitchen for coffee. I went with them and I refilled my cup.

I was working on my code, and suddenly I felt a strange sensation on my chest (I don’t think I could describe it, it feels like when you have intestinal problems and gases, but in the chest). I didn’t give it importance. One hour later I started trembling. I googled my symptoms and I found I had a coffee overdose 😱 But how? I drank a lot of caffeine in soda, but this only happened to me with coffee. This lasted 5 hours 😓

You, specially the most experienced devs and coffee addicts, how can I drink more than 1 cup of coffe per day without trembling? Btw, I have no heart or pressure problems, so I don’t know... this happened because I don’t drink much coffee?

I like coffee. This fact gives me a personality.

I asked my friend to design a flyer for an organization's annual dinner, asking her to send me an invoice so I could pay her (I can't design worth shit, she's doing me a huge favor).

She said she'll do it, declined payment, and doesn't even want me to get approval for her to put it in her portfolio...

How the hell do I pay her back for her work? If we lived in the same town, I'd at least take her to coffee and lunch, but she moved states and I moved countries :(

Can someone explain to me why there is no such thing as a self refilling coffee cup?

What motivates me to get up early and go to work every day?

Free coffee!

Sitting at work listening to music, doing absolutely fuck all right now because I ain't got no tickets! All the mfers need to answer me before I can work on their stuff.

Sounds great, no?

It's not. It's hell being unable to do work for me. I need to busy myself with doing random shit so I don't go insane.

Mhh, coffee...

Oh, by the way, Sir Jav'alot is still around too.

* Building an android app

Me: I just make some coffee cuz this will take a while.
.......Returning in front of my computer....
"Error installing APK"
Me: @#%@%#&!!

a bit late to the party but here goes my coffee mug. Always motivating me to the do the right thing.

For an early meeting PM promised to bring coffee for every one.
Now he says that he forgot...

Early in the morning, stuck in 3 hours meeting without coffee...

Things said at work that would be misunderstood when taken out of context:

Yesterday-
client: "I don't like the D"
Boss: "well what if it's a little d"
Client: "I don't think the size of the D matters, do you think people make decisions on the size of a D"
Me: *trying so hard to laugh I spit coffee everywhere*

Today-
Boss: "are you working on that sex padding?"
Me: *trying so hard to laugh I spit coffee everywhere*

N: Me
C: Keurig Coffee Machine

N: *Turns on surge protector and keurig*

C: WAIT, PREHEATING

N: *Lifts handle to put Keurig cup in*

C: LOWER HANDLE TO PREHEAT

N: Fine, I'll just wait.

C: FILL WATER TANK

N: Wtf I just sat here for like 3 minutes and now you tell me? *Fills Tank*

C: WAIT, PREHEATING....

N: *Waits another 3 minutes*

C: INSERT CUP

N: *Inserts Cup*

C: *Makes coffee in 1 minute*

C: ENJOY COFFEE. WAIT, PREHEATING

N: *Turns off surge protector before finished preheating*

Is this really nitpicky shit? I feel like I have to babysit it through the entire process.

After many years... I truly believe that non IT people belive that this is how programmers work:

- Goodmorning computer. How are you? Can you make me a program? I want the program to include an userfriendly userinterface, database, optimized code, documentation and dont forget that i dont want any bugs! Thanks computer. I'll get back to you when my coffee is ready.

Some simple yet underrated tips for staying in the coding game.

* Coffee.
* Shower if your head feels heavy.
* A simple change to your theme or fonts
* Change of body posture: standups or sitting.
* Switch between desktop and laptop.
* Switch OSes, linux and OSX (good way to also ensure your config/build is portable)
* Long occasional morning/evening walks to think of solutions.
* Throw some shit on the political left on devrant..

Send me some coffee if you find these tips helpful. xD

!dev !rant
You guys talk about having too much coffee occasionally - enough to where you weren't able to even focus;
I, being the dumbass I am overachieved a little and actually drank so much once and basically seized up
My friend was driving me home and all of the sudden i felt my arm muscles contracting, and then my abdomen and chest
shit was scary
we had to pull over and i had to struggle to shove a bottle and a half of water down my throat before he could drive me home

moral of the story = Make sure you eat in the morning, and there IS such a thing as too much coffee

I ran out of milk, so used a five second squirt of ‘cream’ for my coffee this morning. That’s ok right, normal behaviour? All this COVID-isolation isn’t getting to me..? 😆

me: *has insomnia*
me: ok I'll check ways to improve my sleep
me: *keeps drinking coffee after 6 pm and using my phone in bed* i wonder why I can't sleep

I just look at the calendar and notice I have 3 days to do what I was supposed to do in 3 weeks.
Coffee, music and for the love of God don't speak to me

me: *procrastinates till 1:00

me: *feels sleepy. *grabs coffee. okay im gonna start working after i take a sip.

me: *takes sip. *opens devrant.

im still not working btw

Person: I am a developer. Give me coffee and I will convert it to code.
Me: What have you ever developed?
Preson: 😮. Well I can print hello world in 6 languages!
Me: 😕,You can show yourself out.

A guy came to me with a laptop that wouldn't boot. After some poking around, I opened the machine just to find everything submerged in coffee. No sh*t your computer doesn't work..

Me: hmmmm it's a pain in the ass building my program and having to rebuild it everytime I want to swap to my Chromebook (going from x86 to ARM64), I really wish they could develop an OS that is essentially a VM so you would compile once and have the OS' VM later do the heavy lifting

My brain: hey Alex, that sounds like a great idea, you deserve a coffee for that!

Me: yes I do... Wait... Coffee... Cup of jo... Java.... WAIT! This sounds like what Java was intended to be!!!!!

My brain: oh dear god... Time to fucking bury this thought to never be discussed again!!!!!

What's the lesson to learn here? If it looks like Java, sounds like Java and acts like Java, beat it over the head and bury it 6 feet down :-3

Could this be the programmers life +dating a programming language and for food add especially coffee. I feel it applies to me in a way.

It's 14:59 and my grandmother has just called me in for tech support I guess.
I'm sitting here in fucking slouch clothes with a cup of coffee and, for some reason, sunglasses?
What a strange morning.

Was fixing my project for college the whole night... when I finished it was around 07:30, the sun was rising, a steaming mug of coffee in front of me and I was like “That’s why I love this shit so much”

The worst thing a medic can say to a programmer is: "you need to stop drinking coffee". Happened to me :(

Observation

Usually happens when hitting some heavy development after waking up to an idea at 5am and rushing in to the office to make it happen. Then you write for hours straight refilling some coffee once in a while.

At some point you start finding other people at the coffee station and the smalltalk starts. For some reason I can't turn my brain into social mode. Someone asks me stuff like "How was your weekend?" And the answer can be anything between "I like turtles" and some totally uninhibited and unintended truth in the TIM category.

Flow is strong but it totally fucks up my social capabilities. It also makes me happy =D

Therapist: How do we deal with stress from coding?

Me: Drink more coffee

Therapist: No.

Coffee is the only thing that keeps me from sleeping after lunch.

Well, I have a friend working on a major bank in my city. Yesterday we went for a coffee when he told me that the wifi connection that the costumers can use is the same as the network they work in. Like, are you fucking me? Do they know what security means? Jesus Wallace, wake up!
And they have a fucking "web security guy" working there. Doing what? Installing ccleaner on pcs? This shit gets me mad. And that's why I don't trust banks.

No coffee can keep me awake rn

Yesterday, I came to the office a little late and found there's no coffee, so I set myself to make some. After making it, some of my coworkers told me that the boss wants us to use less coffee powder when making coffee and has gone as far as specifying the amount for a full pot. I think in the US, they drink coffee-flavored water because that's what it looks and tastes now. So I guess it's either no coffee for me or to buy my own coffee powder as my coworkers don't want to protest over this.

Am I the only one that prefers energy drink over coffee?

So I'm on a Scout camp as a leader, and three kids wake me up with coffee. Aahhh, wonderful!

And just when I was having a shut eye, my mom woke me up, because WiFi wasn't working..😒

> Half asleep
> No coffee

Story of my manager and me, in a small poem :

"peek a boo, peek a boo
how many task you got to do?"
"4 tasks" "Do it Fast!
that's all that i ask from you"
"its 4 hours, eod isn't far.
where is that damn coffee, carl?"
"peek a boo, peek a boo
you want coffee, but what about you?"
"one done, heading out for fun"
"2 more tasks i added for you"

I like to use programmer logic in everyday conversations, especially with not programmers, like

They: would you like coffee or cake?
Me: yes

The real question is "would you like coffee xor cake?"

I get so fucking awkward and autistic when i sit at work 8h a day and just work... I cant fucking communicate with people. I behave like the most extreme "nice guy" beta shithead and its hard to fight it.

Went to put coffee in the sink now and a girl was washing the dishes. In the same time another girl was coming into the kitchen. I stopped and wanted to wait for her to wash them. The girl walking in looked at me weird. I was turning around pretening like im searching something. She asked hey do u need something. I then turned a 360 in place (oh my fucking God) walked towards the sink 1 step and then 1 step back as if i forgot to walk. Then i replied i just wanted to wash the coffee. And then i awkwardly put the coffee in sink for the girl to clean my coffee too

So fucking embarrassing!

Only when i work from home at my pace within my environment ALONE (im the biggest introvert) is when i dont become autistic. I can communicate. Im an alpha chad

So today is a very lazy day for me.
My code doesn't work. Don't feel like bug fixing.
Just feeling sleepy BUT THE COFFEE IS BLAND!!
Sooooo. Here I am, typing away.
Writing these cute commented lines.
I'll thank myself later.

"I In fact choose to use a coffeemaker to boil vegetables. Why? Because if I used something else that just makes coffee, my client would ask me 'Can it boil vegetables?'" - Joel Fisher

Me when considering grabbing a cup of coffee after arriving at my desk in the morning: "Do I want to feel more awake or do I not want to have to poop all day?"

I was hating on Postman for 10 minutes straight...
and then I found out it was me all along.

Turns out, it's an advantage if you actually select the proper environment before sending a request.
fuck me... coffee! ☕

Without caffeine ➞ me ⩶ useless
With caffeine ➞ anxiety++

Btw I don't drink 10 liters / 2.6 gallons of coffee everyday or anything, just a small latte does the trick ..

[Me at night]

1 Me: should I sleep?
2 Brain: right after finishing this module
3 Me: <drinking coffee>
4 goto 1

Urghhhhh Monday again!

Can someone else write this algo for me pleaaaaaaaase?

😴

i'm literally the only one in the office today. feelsweirdman

Don't judge me, but i don't have any special cup for coffee

Late night after everyone has slept, switching on all the 3 monitors, reclining on a comfortable chair, fetching some snacks and coffee by the table gives me the perfect mood to code!
There is silence all around 😌

Each day night, whenever I'm sitting to code and I feel like taking a break, this is my jam.

Brilliant lemon soda, with sugar. Helps me concentrate a lot better than coffee, or Red Bull.

Time for late night coding, debugging, thinking..been busy since I woke up, work, college, exams, work..work while waiting for an exam..

Coffee - check
Cigarettes - check
Music to keep me motivated - check
Laptop still not lagging - check
Will probably want to sleep in couple of hours - check

Working 18 hours per day was tough, at the beginning coffee helped a lot. However I started loosing friends and the little free time I had, I spent it drinking, lonely in anonymous pubs, trying to socialise.
Workload increased and stress started to affect me, so I began smoking weed to relax.
To recover and work with renewed energy coffee was not enough anymore, I started with pills, amphetamines, coke, crack. After the biggest deployments I would disappear for days in an opium den.

Work, it's a gateway drug.

Nothing distracts me more than people eating in an otherwise quiet office. It makes me so livid that i usually leave the room for a coffee refill or bathroom break and hope they are done by the time I'm back.

I can code while holding a conversation, I barely even notice when people do phone calls or skype meetings next to me, but hearing people chew and breathe through their nose while smelling their lunch just annihilates me.

To get into the zone I need 5 minutes to focus, think and lay out a plan. Need a clear schedule the next 4 hours, minimum. Clean desk, headset on, water refilled and a fresh coffee. Away we go.

10 minutes later someone taps me on my shoulder .. fuck!! Every damn time

me : can you get me a coffee ?

colleague : can you code with no bugs?

me : ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

No Coffee, No code. Coffee is the source of all my code.

Coffee makes me go sudo.

Me: Damn you good tasty coffee!!! Now I can't drink coffee anywhere else than at home and (more) expensive coffeebars!!!

Coffee: But you love me!!

Me: I know!! That's the fucking problem!!

Oh thank god for coffee.

Having one of those days where every slight criticism feels like a personal attack (they're not, I have very nice co-workers) and every small task makes me want to just go back to bed because I'm so useless...

Me - Let's drink coffee to calm down.

Brain - Umm, that's not how it works.

Last time I had a cup of hot water instead of coffee. This time I have 2 cups of coffee on my table. Can you remind me what's life?

Team member knows x better than me?

No fucking way am I gonna ask them to do it. Even if I have to learn the whole damn thingamajig from scratch. Coffee and some Halo OST are all I need, baby!

(In fairness to myself, said teammate is a bit of a hijacker when it comes to helping...)

Yesterday I had a discussion with a freelancing developer

Me: You're already earning good, why are you freelancing?
He: Freelancing is my hobby.
Me: !! Why don't you participate in some open source development? I do.
He: How much do you earn there?
Me: In terms of money? few bucks as donation for 1 coffee in a month.
He: few bucks only !!!
Me: Opensource development can be good for your career. You can get a good job or promotion....
He: I believe in certainty.
Me: Hmmm

Job frustrated me again today.

The shit just keeps on commiting suicide...

Cannot talk much about it, but essentially it's faulty software killing randomly one or one up to N servers running elasticsearch...

Conversation between me and a good friend:

Me: No gaming today, work todo.
Him: noooo...
Me: Yes...... Could u go buy some groceries? Household help is sick.
Him: maybe...what u need?
Me: coffee. I need frigging fucking coffee.
Him: ok. How bad is it.......
Me: empty today.
Him: will be at your house in hour. DON'T DO ANYTHING STUPID.

...

It's funny how good friends immediately sense danger and become very attentive when the lack of coffee and myself is mentioned in one sentence.

Coffee has never done anything for me, I had a toothache hence the straw

Just relocated to work in stockholm to work as android dev. Any devs out here who would like to meet up have some coffee or a beer and teach me the swedish ways? :D

Damn, nespresso! As if your fucking webshop wasn't bad enough, don't bug me (haha) with useless mails AND JUST TEST YOUR SHIT BEFORE PRODUCTION!!! Seriously, thousands of customers pay lots and lots of money for mediocre coffee in aluminum capsules, so JUST HAVE THE DECENCY TO INVEST SOME BUCKS INTO THE CUSTOMER FACING APPS!!!

Anything from JetBrains is top-tier. Those guys just rock! Their IDEs and programs are just fantastic. Made by developers, for developers.

Who am I kidding? Cats and coffee. Those are what keep me going!

Everyone has gone to sleep. It's just me and the coffee mug now

Eating burritos and drinking coffee somehow works for me

I try to change my workplace to a local coffee shop or library.
That new environment and a good, large coffee really boost me

Family: why are you always so grouchy and grumpy
Me: because you make me get up when I'm in the flow of coding/studying
Family: oh sorry we understand we'll try not to do that again

Skip to 30 mins later when they repeat the same stuff and offer a cup of tea or coffee... as if just one cup of tea/coffee will do the trick.

Non tech hobbies that helped me with developement:

Lego technic/mecano/knex were a great way to learn about abstraction, you build modules that you can reuse somewhere else.

Cooking is similar, you notice useful patterns that you can reproduce. E.g. roux, which is butter and flour is used for a lot of sauces, then add milk and you get béchamel, which is again used for a lot of sauces.

Coffee brewing helps because I can't focus if I don't get coffee.

µRant
Doing a little bit of javascript and php at same time.
Im sleepy.

I am looking for function in JS that is bugged to fix, but accidently opened php file instead.

It took me hot minute of annoyance that I cant find darn function I am looking for.

time for coffee or sleep for once.

Meetings.
You want to ask me if a button could change behavior?
Instead of asking me directly and have an answer in 5', let's have a meeting with 5 other persons who don't give a shit!
Let's have coffee! Hey, why not hold a meeting to choose where? Please take me outta here...
That's how you justify your job here: by polluting other people.

*Developer working from home*

Dev -- Make me some coffee
Wife -- *no response*
Dev -- sudo make me some coffee
Wife -- It's not gonna work on me !!!

- Hey darlin, how about u n me go out for coffee on 2021-02-19?
- Hey lovely. I got an event from 2021-02-19T05:45:00Z to 2021-02-19T07:15:00Z. How about we meet at 2021-02-20T04:00:00Z?
- Perfect, there's a movie at 2021-02-20T06:10:00Z
- It's a date then

so, i got a job in a company with 140 employees. they wanted me to work 9 hours a day, 30 min rest time and i had to pay for everything like lunch and even coffee. if i get to work late or leave work early they would punish me.
Oh god...

I have a feeling that one of the most valuable skills I have yet to learn is the ability to drink coffee.

!rant

For the first time, I solved a pretty serious optimisation problem in our codebase without any external input. It's a little thing, but small victories like this are part of what makes the job so much fun for me.

Currently rewarding myself with coffee and chocolate. I feel good!

Me: aah finally the best in the morning MY COFFEE

Also me a half hour later: Uhm fuck my coffee is cold.

Suffering from concentration, meaning my coffee is cold. I can’t drink cold coffee, it makes me retch. That’s the second cup today I’ve let die on me. It’s pissing me off now.

That moment when it's midnight and you have to wake up in 6 hours but suddenly you think about a way of fixing a bug that a library that you really need and is no longer being maintained has... sigh.

First, I want to say don't look this company up if you've never heard of them. I really don't want to be a reason to drive more traffic to this company, because I really don't trust them.

So someone gifted me some coffee called Javy Microdose Coffee.

The reviews online are obvious plants and there was a hard social media promo going on for the last few months, so I'm already not interested in even trying it.

The packaging and colors scare the shit out of me, and the bottle itself doesn't seem to have a break seal on it. Besides that the bottle itself reminds me of the bottles of poison that were around when I was a kid.

My questions; has anyone on here ever consumed this terrifying bottle of liquid? Is it worth it?

Fck.... I realized I don't need to pay McD $2.60 to make me iced coffee...

I can make it with the free coffee in the office....

Does anybody else drink strong coffee in order to actually get RID of a headache? It works for me....but now I've got to continually drink coffee every few hours for the rest of my life.