Big event. Massive traffic in production, so we were monitoring all night.

I was in a room with 2 devs of my team, a marketting girl, my boss and a designer... chilling.

Suddenly the production is down.

Boss: production is down, anyone can check?
Me: already on it
Dev1: it looks ok for me
Dev2: me too
Me: wait what? Impossible everything is down
Dev1: oh I refreshed the page it's not working
Me: don't stay on the page refreshing it like you are fucking monkeys. Give me useful intel or be quiet.
Market girl: is it working?
...
Guys is it working?
...
Hello?
Me: Not yet we are looking. Don't distract me.
Boss: client called us. They want it online now.
Dev1&2: he's looking
... 1 min later...
Boss: is it working?
Boss: is it working?
Boss: is it working?
Me: SHUT THE FUCK FOR FUCKING ONE SECOND. ALL OF YOU, OUT NOW. YOU ARE FUCKING MONKEYS WHO CAN'T DO SHIT. IF YOU CAN'T HELP JUST SHUT YOUR DAMN SHITHOLE. DEVS, LOOK WITH ME. MARKET GIRL PREPARE A FUCKING POST-MORTEM MAIL. BOSS GET THE CLIENT ON THE PHONE AND STALE. DO. YOUR. FUCKING. JOBS.

That's how I ended up screaming at everyone... the rest of the night went in complete silence and I fixed the issue 2min after the got quiet or busy.

preface: I'm fucking exhausted and angry.

Why does everyone assume I know how to do frontend?
Why am I always the design girl?
Why?

You hire me to do backend. STOP GIVING ME FRONTEND DESIGN CRAP. I HATE IT.

AND STOP GODDAMN YELLING AT ME FOR NOT MAKING SOMETHING RESPONSIVE.

I DON'T KNOW HOW.

yes i can learn, but I CAN'T FUCKING PICK UP A SKILL LIKE THAT IN A DAY. Also, I fucking hate it.

STICK IT UP YOUR (min-width: 1400px) ASS.

But seriously, I've spent 13 hours today figuring out completely new things (webpack, susy, express.js, cloudinary, responsive best practices, more webpack) because the boss is in panic-mode (his preferred state) and wants this project released last monday.

guess what? it isn't done.
because i still don't know how to do everything. and ofc there's nobody to ask because there never fucking is.

Seriously, boss-man. hire a fucking designer, and stop being an illiterate sales goon while you're at it. ffs.

Boss: You'll need to make the presentation an hour earlier than usual. There'll be 20 people attending..

Me: Sure. Will everyone show up?

Boss: Oh yes, they'll show up.

*Reschedules other work at home*
*Gets 4 hours of sleep to wake up earlier*
*Prepares material*

*Shows up for the meeting 5 minutes earlier*

*Crickets chirp*

There literally wasn't a single person there. Everyone shows up at the normal fucking time and good old boss was 2 fucking hours late.

Guess what the presentation was for? To solve the fucking issue of why stuff never gets done on time and nothing works right. I think I might have a tiny fucking idea why, at this point.

FUCK MY BOSS WHEN HE SAYS HE DIDNT SEE ANY UI CHANGES AFTER NOT SLEEPING FOR 24HRS TO GET THE ENTIRE BACKEND REWRITE DONE. I WENT OVER THE ACTUAL CHANGES WITH HIM 100 FUCKING TIMES! I GET THIS MESSAGE AFTER FINALLY GRABBING SOME FOOD "What did you do, you said you were going to work on the site??" FUCKFUCKITYFUCKFUCK!!! FUCK YOUR MONEY AND YOUR JOB!!!! AND WHILE IM AT IT FUCK WEBDEV!!! 🖕FUCK YOU GUYS🖕 IM GOING HOME

/rant Thank God for devRant

Food arrives, boss grabs his food.

Boss: ahhhh finally! *looks lovingly at food* you won't hear me for the next 15 minutes 😍 *starts eating*
Me: well that was about fucking time.
Boss: 😐😶
Other engineers: 😂 *trying to keep food in*

Me: *Applies for entry level full-stack job*

Recruiter: "Sorry, I can't hire you because you don't have the years of experience we're looking for. We can take you on as an intern! Unpaid of course, while we train you."🙂

Clueless Me: "Sure, why not."

*second day into the internship*

Boss: "I have this really big project, and I want you to be the lead. I'm going to be very vague about what I want, so you'll constantly have to make changes to user stories, wireframes, & database designs until I'm satisfied. Don't ask me any questions for clarity, because I'm busy 🙂"

Silly Me: "okay"

Boss: "Also, can you train all the other interns? You're so lucky! You'll get to pick the best to join your team" 🙂

Stupid Me: "okay"

Boss: *emails me a spreadsheet of 80 Front-End interns (freshmen and sophomores)*
"Did you start building the app yet?" 🙂

Me (Dummy): "You haven't approved the final wireframes ye-"

Boss: "And for the other interns' training, what did you have in mind?" 🙂

Me (Dumbass): "I made a training guide, they're already followi-"

Boss: "My project manager for this other project left, guess he couldn't handle the pressure of a real job... HAHAHAHA! You're gonna take the lead of that project, too!"
*Adds me to the slack group* 😁

Me (Imbecile): "Wha-"

Boss: "And we've been having trouble with keeping track of everyone's code. Is there something we can do instead of slacking code snippets back and forth?" 🤔😮

Me (Fucking Imbecile): "Wait, you guys are working on a project and you don't have any form of version control? Maybe we should take a few steps back and plan thi-"

Boss: "Are you gonna take initiative or not!?" 😡

Me (Enlightened): "I quit." 😑

Former Boss: "Too bad... I was going to offer you a paid role tomorrow morning. Oh well!" 😔

C: application not working
Me: k. What changed?
C: we didn't make changes
Me: k... *gets a tech team (W) on the phone*
W: Hey, what's broken?
Me: C's application. How do things look?
W: running healthy. I'll check logs.
Me: thanks. *gets tech team (S) on the line*
S: hey, everything clear on our end, will check logs.
Me: thanks *gets tech team (U)*
U: hey! They asked us to deploy their new version today during normal deployment time. Is it acting up?
Me: C, what did you change?
C: nothing major, just how we connect to W and S...
W&S: are you shitting me???
Me: U, will you please roll it back?
C: no! Must stay on this version, you need to fix your side!!
Me: nope. *calls U boss (UG)*
UG: U, you have my permission to roll back, they need to fix. C, if your boss doesn't like it, have them call me.
*rollback fixes problem*

IF I FUCKING ASK YOU WHAT THE FUCK YOU CHANGED, YOU BETTER TELL ME THE TRUTH, OR I WILL STRIP YOUR CODE OFF OUR FUCKING SYSTEMS AND SHOVE IT DOWN YOUR THROAT. MY JOB IS TO HELP YOU AND YOU NEED TO BACK TO FUCK UP AND NOT GET IN THE WAY OF MY JOB OR YOU WON'T HAVE ONE ANYMORE.

so i just got fired 🔥 🔥 🔥 because i wanted a 200 fucking dollars raise after 1 year of work and sacrifices and feeling like shit.
200$ because i live in the 3rd fucking world, working with a stupid motherfucking boss (you know the fat old tone deaf cunt), he's american, and he brings projects from the US from clients paying thousands of dollars, and he pays us 300$, and by the fucking way he used to pay us 100$ (we are 3 developers, a dick who does nothing but report our behavior, and a shit who does shit. we are a development company and we are the only developers and we got fired because he thought we didn't deserve the raise and that he sees no reason in giving us more money because we're already wasting the company's money and time).
So now the only people left there are the dick, the shit and the fatass boss who's in the states rn.
the funny thing is after we left by an hour or so we got calls from many other companies that we refused to work with because of our loyal-fucking-ty.
the motherfucker thinks we're conspiring against him, that we don't trust him, well of fucking course we don't, he lies about having a company in the US, well it's there but it's suspended (we looked it up), he says he's a microsoft, intel, adobe, dell, lenovo partner, and he's not.
well fuck i'm kind of happy that i left, i'm sitting with my friends in a cafe right now thinking about finishing our personal projects.
forgot something: the projects we were working on are unfinished, and there's not a single fucker to finish them, so he's ball deep in shit. hope this rant is relatable

*Manager enters the room quickly*

Manager: Coffe2Code, we have a serious problem on the application, (We are working on a chat app).

Me: What? now just few hours before the Demo?, what is it?

Manager: when I send or receive a media message (audio or video) the sound is not playing, the file seems like corrupted !

Me: that's strange, let me debug it and see.

*Me spending an hour and could not even reproduce the bug..*

Me: Boss, I cannot see the bug, can I debug on your device quickly?

Manager: Sure, here it is.

Me: hold the fucking device, press VOLUME UP, IT WAS FUCKING MUTE. THERE WAS NO ISSUE MOTHERFUCKER.

Manager, oups ok good no issue then, thanks

My last internship. When acquiring a new project and having to give an estimate the boss/sales guy always went to the programming team first to ask them what the estimate was and then communicated that back to the client(s).

Asked him why he does that because many companies don't:

Well, the programmers are going to write the software so why the hell would *I* be the one who gives the fucking estimates?

Yes that was a good boss.

* Starts work with boss
* Works till night
* Decide to continue the next day
* Both leave work at the same time
* Both arrive at work next day at the same time

"Hey is the work done?"

Oh forgive me for not fucking dreaming up the work in my fucking sleep.

My boss is a bit annoyed that I’m listening to the music in my headphones during work.
“Are you sure it doesn’t make you lose the focus?”

Fuck you!
The will to quit is everyday greater.

Me : I'm having a pretty bad headache.

Boss : Stop acting like a girl and get back to work.

Me: It's a migraine headache.

Boss: Ohh!! You know it's just in your head stop being a pussy. Don't think about the headache, and you won't feel any pain.

Me(in my head) : You fucking idiot you are partially correct it's in my head. But the pain won't stop if I stop thinking about it.

*Why the fuck does no one understand a neurological disease. If i'm not physically hurt, it doesn't mean i'm not in pain*

Fucking ignorant bastards.

YELLED AT FOR 45 FUCKING MINUTES OVER OTHER PEOPLE’S FUCKUPS

IF YOU PIECES OF SHIT WANT ME TO DO SOMETHING, FUCKING SAY IT. WRITE IT THE FUCK DOWN IN THE FUCKING TICKET.

AND IF YOU WANT A FUCKING DEMO, SCHEDULE THE FUCKING THING, AND STOP FUCKING CANCELING THEM. DON’T BLAME ME WHEN IT’S YOUR FUCKING FINGER ON THE FUCKING CANCEL BUTTON EVERY. FUCKING. WEEK.

AND SERIOUSLY, DON’T FUCKING EXPECT ME TO DROP MY LAST FUCKING TICKET THE AFTERNOON BEFORE VACATION FOR SOME LOW-PRIOIRTY CRAP BECAUSE SUDDENLY IT’S ALL THE RAGE INSIDE YOUR TINY DUMBASS HEAD. BUT OH BOO FUCKING HOO, @ROOT DIDN’T DO WHAT I ASKED WHEN I WAS BEING A FUCKING MORON! GO FUCK YOURSELF YOU FUCKING STUCK-UP IDIOT

AND FUCK BOZO THE CLOWN BOSS FOR BLAMING ME FOR THE FUCKING IDIOT’S BRUISED FUCKING EGO

FUCK THE LOT OF YOU

A "support" guy my boss got in. I had told my boss numerous times, "Get rid of this guy, he's only wasting our time and money. And he's going to end up doing something where we will end up having to put out the fires."

Sure as a pair of nuts on a squirrel, this crazy bastard goes and DELETES a client's database. Yes folks, in fucking production. A live database. The heart of the business' transactions are... *poof*... GONE!!!

No backups for the day! No synchronisation beforehand! No nothing... just GONE!!! Fucking flat-lining!

Well, when I realised what he has done, I had to remove myself from the room before shit got outta hand!

I told the boss man that is the last straw and he needs to go...

The long and short of it...
- The client had luckily only lost about half a days data.
- I'm no longer at the company.
- This dumb fuck still is.

Summary of the summary: Boss is an asshole. Root gets angry; boss leaves instead of picking a fight for once. This makes Root sad (and really angry).

Summary: Root has another interaction with her boss. The boss is an asshole. Root is a bitch. Root would have been so so so much more of a bitch if the boss actually fucking responded. Root is sad this didn't happen. Root might have gotten fired. That would have made Root happy. :<

-------------

Le wild blackout appears!

-- Conference call (the short-short version) --
Boss: *freaks out* Fix it! Why aren't you fixing it? You have to fix it.
Me: I'm already fixing it. 😕
Boss: You have to fix it! This is important!
Me: Then let's get off this call so I can focus on fixing it!
Boss: Okay but fix it! *begrudgingly hangs up*

-- Slack --
Me: (posting a running log of what I'm doing) This is what i discovered. this is the cause. these are the possible fixes. I picked this one because it's quick and has few consequences, though it may break ____ so it'll need followup fixes. I'll do those tomorrow. Blackout resolved!

Boss: (apparently doesn't even noticed I fixed his shitty service)

-- Next day --
Boss: I want you to work on [stupid shit] instead.
Me: But what about the followup fixes?
Boss: Top priority! because customer service!
Me: ... fine.

-- Next week (verbatim because wtf) --
Boss: Did we test that [resolution] on ______? No one thought to test this. It didnt cross anyones mind at all? Either you guys can make good decisions and document concerns or I have to be part of every decision [...]. But this is basic. SHould have been a team heads up and said if we are switching this what can it break and can we test it. [sic]

Me: Did you want me to resolve the blackout quickly and allow people to actually use our service, or spend two days checking everything that might possibly have gone wrong? I weighed the possibilities and picked the solution with the quickest implementation with the fewest consequences. You're welcome.

Me: (Quotes boss's "SHould have been a team heads up" and links my "this is what could go wrong" heads-up in Slack)
Boss: (pretends not to even notice)
Boss: (talks about customer service related crap)

What a fucking loser.
I'm so angry he didn't respond and start in on me over it. I wanted to tear him to shreds in front of everyone.

Related:
He tried adding another huge project to my plate earlier today, and I started flipping out on him for all these shitty sales features he keeps dumping on me in place of real work that i still get blamed for not finishing. The contractor stepped in before it got too heated, though, which is probably best because my reaction was pretty unprovoked. The above rant, though? Asshole doesn't read, just blames and yells when he's angry.

I really hate him.

Pain the ass sales guy walks into my office uninvited. Looks at one of my screens which has sftp copying a lot of files and spewing out each one. He asks what that "nonsense" is.

I politely tell him that it is all his sales data and I am deleting it. At which point I got up and went to lunch with no further discussion.

The next phone call I received was from my boss asking me to stop fucking with the sales people. I hope he learned to knock after this.

Ranted about this internship before but just remembered this.

1st internship.

The employees and the boss were having a joke/laugh. I found it funny as well so I laughed along

A little later the boss pulled me outside (as well as my internship guide person): why where you laughing along? You had nothing to do with that conversation. It was none of your fucking business. Stay out of other people's business, understood?

I was scared, shaking and trying to keep my tears in.

That was not the best internship.

Ex-Boss (62years old)- why do you wear a watch? Take it off.

Me (bewildered) - why? What happened?

Him - see I don't wear a watch also.
Come on, take it off.

Me - *took off my watch* now what?

Him - see. Now you can also look at the time using your mobile, like me. No need of watch. U should be modern.

Me- *WTF. Are u high or something, u fucking insane asshole? *
He was one weird piece of shit.

*meeting with boss about a quick site for one of her clients*

Boss- "okay so basically I just want you to copy the content from -already made site- and put it on the new one"

Me- "okay sure do you want it verbatim or "

Boss-"no but something similar"

Me-"okay so you want me to paraphrase this list that's on the homepage?"

Boss-"Well no we dont actually need the list at all as it isnt relevant to us so just take that out"

Me-"okay well that is the only thing on the homepage so what should I replace it with"

Boss-"I dont know, something similar to the list. You can figure something out"

Me-"....I dont know anything about the clients business. I am not going to just make up content, you guys can at least give me some direction there"

Boss-"i didnt think it would be that hard"

Me-"it's really not hard. You're making it harder than it needs to be for me though. Anyway, do you wanna keep the same exact pages as the other site or only transfer some of them or"

Boss-"something that resembles that website but isnt exactly it so some of the pages but not all"

Me-"which ones"

Boss-"the ones relevant to client's business"

Me-*closes notebook, stands up, starts to leave room*

Boss-"where are you going"

Me-"I'm going to get another two cups of coffee cause I didnt have enough this morning for this bullshit"

Boss-*raises eyebrow*

Me-"dont tell me to copy paste a website at first and then continue to tell me its going to be "similar" but different and then further continue to be as vague as possible about what is expected of me to be done in order to make it different! Take the time to decide what it is you want exactly and then tell me, with detail, what you're criteria is so I can do the thing!! I cant read your mind."

Boss-"..... I just didnt think it would be that hard to jot in a few sentences here and there"

I left the room at that point. Irritating as fuck. You dont know tech stuff, don't expect me to know enough about YOUR job to write about it as if I'm a professional. I cant fucking read minds, I have no interest in researching anything just to create the site content myself, and its fucking rude that they wont even take the time to sit down and decide what they want for a website that THEY are paying for. For fucks sake people get your fucking shit together

I’m going to fucking kill my boss.

He’s known about how I’ve been writing this fucking ticket (screwdriver followup) for four fucking weeks, and on the last fucking day (yesterday) he tells me it’s not the correct fucking architecture and to rewrite basically all of it using <unknown bullshit> instead, and that i must have it done by today — by this fucking morning — so it can make the release.

WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T YOU TELL ME ABOUT THIS AT ANY POINT IN THE LAST FUCKING MONTH WHILE YOU WERE BUSY NITPICKING MY FUCKING CODE YOU FUCKING CUNT?!

Boss: "If I double-click this button, the modal it opens flicker once for 0.00001 seconds?!?!?!?"

Me: "Ya... It opens two modals. It doesn't break anything, it looks normal except the flickering"

Boss: "It's no good!"

Me: "I've got a solution; don't fucking double click. It's a fucking website."

Boss: "IT'S NOT A WEBSITE. IT'S A SYSTEM"

Me: "It's a fucking website" *Exits room, trying not to strangle the boss".

Client: Please fix the logo.
Me: Okay, what needs to be fixed exactly?
Client: Put this word next to that word(shows me an example).
Me: Okay, no problem.
*after 5 minutes*
Client: You did not do what I asked for. Please fix the logo. Make it look better. Make it bigger and more outstanding. Dont change my logo
Me: Okay, I will revert the changes.
*Reverts to the old logo, and only does that as I do not fucking know what to do with oudstanding for fucks sake*
Client: I will talk to your boss. No one cares. My web site is not even finished and no one cares.
*It is finished, now the client looks for small things to make a big issue of*
Me: Could you please tell me in detail, what do you need to be fixes?
Client: I want the wording better. Im going to talk to your boss...

well fuuuck fucking fuck Im pissing blood!!!!!!!!!

Thank you dear mr. boss for fucking up our master branch by adding local changes to a 2 months outdated master branch (250 FUCKING COMMITS BEHIND), pull the remote and then just push without resolving any conflicts!!!1!!!

But thank you so much for sending me an email at 10pm asking me to resolve the conflicts.

It is 3 in the morning and it took 1 hour to get it clean.

Sometimes I want to break some necks...

My boss literally spends half an hour finger-fucking his phone on the mobile site to find "bugs", that I can't replicate. A combination like: swipe, pinch, landscape, portrait, back pinch, open new tab, close tab, ash cigarette on phone, dunk in toilet, dry, double tap... Aha I've found a bug, there's 0.5 pixel line of space between the bag header and the browser bar.

Former Boss: "We need a messaging framework!"
Me: "What do we need a messaging framework for?"
Former Boss: "To send out messages to the App and by Email!"
Me: "We already have everything in place for that."
Former Boss: "But it must be _one_ generic solution, not _two_ solutions."
Me: "Both content and form are totally different for those messages. They have nothing in common besides being 'messages'."
Former Boss: "But it's better to have a messaging framework!"

We had that discussion in every fucking weekly team meeting. So I decided to put a concept together that was so overdesigned, generic and complicated, so my boss wasn't able to understand it at all, and of course didn't read it entirely.

He never mentioned the term "messaging framework" again.

OH MY FUCKING GOD!
What is the point in separating us into backend/frontend developers if everyone has to learn/do everything?

And now this FUCKING DUMBASS that is leaving!!! The company convinced my FUCKING STUPID boss to start using react with nodejs on the new platforms ...

Did anyone think about talking to the fucking devops that maintain the fucking deployments about this????
By the way, this sucker is me.

And now I have one month to: deploy a new app... ALONE!! learning fucking react (please kill me) and probably merge it in a clusterfuck of unseparated backend/frontend because fuck it.

Oh, and figure out a way to make deployment automated and easy for me at least.

I'm about to rant in real life...

Boss assigned me a task on Google Docs:

Boss: "Please remove this line"

Me: "What!? You're already there! How hard is it to fucking select the fucking sentence with your fucking touchpad and press the fucking delete key on your fucking keyboard!? Why assign me with such a fucking waste of time and fucking trivial task!?"

!rant but a story

This happened today. Sorry for long post. A manager from another team in development team, I'll call him junkfellow, called me very very late last night to help them solve an issue in our application's test environment that blocking them from doing testing. They apparently doing integration testing with our application. Now said test environment is not even prepared by our team. We are development team and this test environment prepared by our application's support team. So I politely told junkfellow to get in touch with our support team counterpart as I am from development team. And he began shout at me

junkfellow: "WHY DO YOU THINK I'M FUCKING CALL YOU? IT'S BECAUSE I CAN'T FUCKING REACH ANYONE FROM SUPPORT!"
me: "With due respects sir I have no instructions to assist you and your team in your testing"
junkfellow: "THEN WHAT GOOD ARE YOU? IF YOU DON"T GET ONLINE NOW I WILL FUCKING ESCALATE YOU TO CW!!!"

We all know who CW is and he can make some people life very hard and I didn't want to call my boss so late so I quickly went online and spent the next 4hrs supporting their testing. Next morning I told my boss what happened and he scolded me for not calling him last night. He dropped an email to junkfellow's boss about junkfellow being "unacceptable attitude, disrespectful and threatening to escalate my team mates". My boss always refer to us as team mates, not his staff or his team member.

Then in few minutes, someone walking like a school bully with his chest out came to my boss place and announced himself (he is junkfellow). I say announce because he talking like he wanted everyone to know who is he. My boss stood up promptly, greeted good morning, introduce himself, shook junkfellow hand and sat down. Still young, maybe in late 20's or even younger than me. junkfellow talking to my boss loud enough for most of us to hear. Everyone's neck suddenly long like meerkat and listening:

junkfellow looking down to my boss who is sitting down: "How dare you send email like that to my boss? We are both managers you should act like one, you have a problem with me then you talk to me. You don't bypass me and go directly to my boss. You didn't even give me face!"
my boss sitting down: "So you didn't even ask your boss before picking a fight."

*junkfellow suddenly look confused*

my boss still sitting down talking calm with poker face: "I did give you face. You think by going to your boss I bypassed you and went one level up? No I went one level down!"

junkfellow still look confused and then slowly realized what my boss meant. Now he is staring at floor and can't look my boss in eye after he realized he is screwed!

my boss now standing up: "You treat my team mates like that againi or ask them to do something without my knowledge and I will talk to your boss' boss about it"
boss to me: "Hey tollywood! junkfellow here sincerely regrets what he did last night and wants to apologize to you in person" and boss' poker face turned to his familiar smirk

junkfellow immediately came to me, said "it's ok you no need to stand up", he sat down in a squat and apologized repeatedly. He really looked like he was about to cry and for a moment I pity him. But then I remember what he did and I just enjoyed the moment! Was pure gold :D :D :D

My current one. When I was chosen for my current job as the final candidate, he went for me partly because we've got the same favourite music and that made us click very well.

Now, a year later, it's still going awesome.

We can be serious but most of the time (when we see eachother) it's (savage) jokes, 'rekking' eachother and we keep eachother up to date on new music releases and festivals.

I remember this convo about music:
Boss: Heyy, this is a track I go hard on: Rejecta - Followed 😉
Me: oh yeah that one is awesome! Have you heard his other tracks?
B: HE HAS OTHER TRACKS?! 😍
M: Yaaaaas! He's got 'deserve to die', ''let my tape rock" and 'move my body'
B: OH MY GOD THIS IS FUCKING AWESOME 😍
M: enjoy man 😘
B: thankies 😊

He's not that much older than me and actually listens to advice.

Just an awesome boss in general!

Boss - so how long will this transport booking app take, native android and iOS ....plus backend, plus localization, plus live location tracking, blah blah.

Me - at least 4 months, or more

Boss - HOW can an app take MONTHS? That is totally unacceptable, it’s not gonna work this way, blah blah. I’m giving u 2 months, tops. No project should take more than 2 months.

—

Next app,
Boss - so this new e-commerce app needs to be made, u have api. How long?

Me - 2 months coz ——-

Boss - WHATTTTT!!!??? 2 months for an APP!!???? What is this? Not gonna work this way, you should make apps in a week. Other people make apps in a week.

Then fucking hire those other people. Lol.

I really hate this company.

The code is a disaster. Every single other employee is a salesperson. Nobody has any bloody clue what I do or how difficult it is. They don't care about stability (unless things are crashing), maintenance (until crashing), code quality (until it delays features), or anything apart from shiny new features they can sell. The boss (the king salesman, if ever there was one) doesn't know how to manage, but tries to by acting like his "nice asshole" self -- he's an asshole that gives you passes, makes sure it's bloody obvious that he's doing it begrudgingly, yet everything is still absolutely your fault. If he arbitrarily decides it's too much your fault, he stops being "nice" and flips out on you in front of everyone. That's a "nice asshole": an asshole who can barely even pretend to be nice.

Fuck him.

And you know what? I really hate having to work next to these fucking birds, too.

Today was our weekly conference call, and I was both late and unprepared. I was too focused on my work, and got a ping 4 minutes into the meeting, so I obv didn't have time to prepare. Boss was also pissy today, and I didn't have much to show for my week, thanks to lots of little "OMG NEED ASAP" shit projects that all took too long, pushing back what I was actually supposed to work on. Which didn't get finished, of course, and today that project was "the most important" -- I suspect simply because it wasn't finished. AGADJFSKL. Cue the birds fucking screaming and never fucking shutting up no matter what I did. Blanket? No effect. Spray bottle? SCREAM MORE! Boss was yelling at me, the birds were screaming, and I couldn't think. Goddamn fucking disaster.

and yes, we have a macaw. A macaw and over 20 cockatiels. Said macaw decided today was a lovely day to just fucking SCREAM non-stop, and the tiels were doing their best to keep up. Thinking clearly during this cacophony? Not gonna happen.

Wait, "go elsewhere," you say? Somewhere quieter? Where is this "elsewhere?" We live in a fucking tiny house, and during the call it was (and still is) filled with sleeping people, and surrounded by a fucking desert. Who the fuck thought living in the desert was a good idea, anyway? Like, seriously. What brainless moron thought "You know what? This is a great place! Let's settle down right here," while trudging through the scorching sand and dust, looking at the basically lifeless horizon filled with large, hot, dry, dusty, barren rocks (aka "mountains"), and fucking dying from thirst? Probably someone so delirious from heatstroke they never actually recovered, and continued raving that it's a goddamn paradise to their heat-addled imbecile followers. I really hope they hallucinated a la-z-boy in place of a hedge of teddybear cholla and died an excruciating and prickly death. Fuck that guy/girl, too.

But I digress.

I seriously need an office that isn't a 30 min drive into gang-central. I'd work outside, but I live in the middle of the bloody fucking desert, and get heat exhaustion within about half an hour. Everywhere else in the house people bother me almost incessantly.

just. FUCKING FJASKLDFJGAG.
I HATE THIS PLACE SO SO SO MUCH.

'I've had such Zen lately,' Alex said. Maybe then, but lately? I've just been too exhausted and burned out from putting up with all this shit to get angry. Days like today? I could pour kerosene over everything and laugh as it all just burned to ash.

At work today. Someone unregistered a domain name (don't remember the exact one) with something funny/positive about beer (for example beerisawesome.com).

Collegue: What?! Why would you unregister this?!?
*tells the boss*
Boss: well someone's got their priorities fucking wrong.

😆

I usually don't work for indian clients. But when I do, they make sure I don't get paid.

Some highlights from my last project,

Client: Do you know ERPnext?

Me: No, but I am good at python.

Client: My boss wants me to find a guy who can create barcode generator for erpnext.

Me: I can use pyBarcode to do it.
This is exciting I thought. I get to learn a new framework. Start working on it. Not an hour passes by,

Client: hey can you remove this menu item?
Me: Which one?
Client: Also can you add the dashboard icons to left sidebar? Like Odoo? Do you know it? It is also python based.
Me: Then why don't you just use Odoo instead?
Client: My boss wants it. He doesn't understand computers. He is pissing mr off.
Me: Then how come he suggested erpnext?
Client: His friend told him.
*experience mindfuck*

For the next 3 days he has me working on these UI tweaks, never mentions barcode again.

But I finish the barcode stuff. Tripple check everything to make sure they work. Tell him to check so I can get paid. Guy asks his boss to check.

Boss > Client: It doesn't work
Me: What doesn't work?
Boss > Client: Everything!
Client: I actually tested everything and they work. My boss doesn't know how to use it. He is very old.

Makes me make more changes and finally when I ask for the work done so far,
Client: Boss didn't come to office today. I'll get you paid. Please try to understand my situation.

Me thinking, "mofo your boss didn't hire me,l. You did". But I keep calm and tell him I won't work until I get paid 50%.

3 days passed. No reply. Set his skype status to "Away" forever.

*spidey sense tells me I'm not getting paid, again*

U am beyond pissed and burnt out. I fucking wish there was a mafia I can request to collect my fucking money from them.

Had a meeting with my boss earlier. Got yelled at for:
a) Working on a high-priority, externally-committed ticket (digit separators) that i was 85% done with on the Friday afternoon before my vacation instead of jumping to a lower-priority screwdriver ticket that just came in. Even though my boss agreed with me that what I did was exactly what I should have done, it's still bad because I was apparently rude to product by not doing as they asked?
b) Taking too long on that digit separator ticket that amounts to following a gigantic mess of convoluted spaghetti and making a few small changes, and making sure it doesn't break the world because it's all so fucking convoluted and fragile as hell. Let's not even mention my 4-10 hours of mandatory useless meetings every week.
c) Missing something that wasn't even listed in that same ticket -- somehow my fault? -- so I very obviously didn't test my work. Even though specs all passed and QA also tested and signed off on it as working and complete. Clearly half-assed and untested. Product keeps promising/planning UATs and then skipping them, and then has the audacity to complain about it.
d) Not recovering fast enough from burnout and daily mental breakdowns. I can still barely get out of bed and you want me to be super productive? Got it. Guess what? I'm being amazingly productive for my mental health. But my boss, Mr. Happy-go-lucky, thinks depression is dropping your icecream cone on your clean kitchen table, and this three-ton pile of spaghetti is "maybe a little messy, I guess."

So I need to somehow "regain the confidence" of both him and product because I'm taking awhile on difficult tickets (surprise), while having these ridiculous breakdowns (surprise), and because I don't fix things that aren't even listed in the fucking tickets (fucking surprise) -- and worse, that the lack of information is somehow entirely. my. fault. (surprise fucking surprise)

GOD I HATE THESE PEOPLE.

OMFG WHO THE FUCK USES TWO FUCKING HANDS TO

CTRL+SHIFT+V

WTF BOSS?? FOR REAL?!?

I see my boss interested in learning new languages as if it is gonna be some sort of holy grail but his logic remains the same.

I'm in a step of my life that I finally understand that this language fight is a total waste of time:

PhP is fucking delicious to deploy

Java is fucking delicious to work with spring boot

Python has a fucking delicious syntax and I wanna marry it

Go is fucking delicious to outperform others

Anyway, my point is that when you get the hang of it you should learn concepts and improve your logic instead of hoping language x is gonna save you, its not.

I need a vacation.
I’m horribly depressed and burned out, every day for months has been a little harder than the last, and really doing anything at all is a monumental challenge, work or otherwise. Let alone working on the fucking screwdriver.

I told my boss last night and requested time off.

His response?
> Oh no, but the new screwdriver! We were all really really hoping to get it out by the end of the month!

I’m a crumpled wreck and all you care about is the fucking screwdriver that PRACTICALLY NOBODY WILL FUCKING USE? Seriously dude, go to hell.

Boss quote: "I don't care if the duck is male or female, get me tha fucking egg"

fujioaskl;f;asdfjkl
WHY THE FUCK DOES MY BOSS HAVE ME MOCKING FUCKING RECAPTCHA API RESPONSES? IT'S SO FUCKING STUPID

I CAN'T MOCK THE RECAPTCHA JS METHODS SO I HAVE TO MAKE VALID-LOOKING JSON RESPONSES AND I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING CLUE HOW ANY OF IT FUCKING WORKS

THIS IS THE STUPIDEST THING ANYONE HAS EVER ASKED OF ME (okay, it isn't, but it's pretty damned close.) AND IT'S DURING MY BLOODY PERFORMANCE REVIEW.

Enough is enough!!!
I just received an email from HR because "Your not supposed to work that much as a trainee! Your should study at home"

WELL THANK YOU, BUT DID IT EVER COME TO YOUR MIND THAT I MIGHT ACTUALLY BE WORKING?!

I just wrote back that I have tons of stuff to do, and that they can talk to my boss if they want me to work less.

So to sum up:
I solve problems and get screamed at by HR in return?
IT FUCKING GREAT

My summer internship adventures

Cunt Boss: you will receive salary and a bonus at the end of the project
Me: *works for 3 months*
Cunt Boss: *sends 60 fucking euros to my bank account*
Me: is that just the bonus?
Cunt Boss: oh I'm sorry, we have some financial troubles here and that's all I can give you

Thanks! Now I can buy you a dildo so you can go fuck yourself

One month ago. By email.

Boss: so, this client A has a problem with one of our devices and he believes that it's a bug in the software.

Me: all right then, what happens?

Boss: well, he says that the parameter P in the option menu does not changes the device's behaviour as it is supposed to. I'll forward you his mail. You will find attached an excell file with the results of his test performed with and without the parameter active.

Me: < read mail, read excell file > well, boss, his tests are performed in completely different conditions, how could he expect to infer a meaningful results from this?

Boss: damn, you are right. Send him a test plan and follow up.

Me: < send detailed test plan >

No answer in a week. Then...

Client: hi, there, I made this tests, I attached the excell with the results, can you check the software now?

Me: < read another bullshit filled excell file with none of the suggested test performed >
You know what? Just download the procedures you are using from the device and send them by mail, specifying the software version you are using so we can perform some tests here in the lab and get yo a solution asap.

No response. For a MONTH.

Super Boss: client A still has his problem, how could possibly be that it takes more than A FUCKING MONTH to solve his issue??

Me:...

Had an unannounced performance/progress review at work today.

I always get nervous when having those but I know my boss and lead support engineer by now so i got to relaxed mode quite fast.

Then i was getting very cold and started to shake (in combo with the slight nervousness).

That lead to extensive stuttering 😬

Apparently I put my chair right under a fucking ceiling fan thingy in my nervousness.

😅

OH MY FUCKING GOD! WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU REWRITE A FUCKING PIECE OF CODE AND DON'T MAINTAIN ITS FUNCTIONALITY?
ARE YOU FUCKING MAD????

JUST SPENT 1 FUCKING HOUR TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY THE FUCK THE DATA WASN'T BEING PASSED TO REDUX STORE!

YEAH, UNIT TESTING SURE IS A FUCKING WASTE OF TIME YOU DUMB FUCKING IDIOT THAT HAS MASHED POTATOES FOR A BRAIN!

GO ROT IN HELL YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!!!

NOW IF I DON'T FIX THIS SHIT MY ASS IS ON THE LINE BECAUSE I MADE THE FUCKING FUNCTIONALITY THAT YOU BROKE?? NO FUCKING WAY!

I DON'T CARE IF YOU ARE MY BOSS, I'M GONNA GIT BLAME THE SHIT OUT OF YOU IF ANYONE PISSES ME OFF!

Application has had a suspected memory leak for years. Tech team got developers THE EXACT CODE that caused it. Few months of testing go by, telling us they're resolving their memory leak problem (finally).

Today: yeah, we still need restarts because we don't know if this new deployment will fix our memory leak, we don't know what the problem is.

WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING IN THE LOWER REGIONS FOR THREE FUCKING MONTHS?!?!?! HAVING A FUCKING ORGY???????????????

My friends took the time to find your damn problem for you AND YOU'RE GOING TO TELL ME YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM IS???

It was in lower regions for 3 MONTHS and you don't know how it's impacting memory usage?!?!?! DO YOU WANT TO STILL HAVE A JOB? BECAUSE IF NOT, I CAN TAKE CARE OF THAT FOR YOU. YOU DON'T DESERVE YOUR FUCKING JOB IF YOU CAN'T FUCKING FIX THIS.

Every time your app crashes, even though I don't need to get your highest level boss on anymore for approval to restart your server, I'M GOING TO FUCKING CALL HIM AND MAKE HIM SEE THAT YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT. Eventually, he'll get so annoyed with me, your shit will be fixed. AND I WON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOUR USELESS ASS ANYMORE.

(Rant directed at project manager more than dev. Don't know which is to blame, so blaming PM)

I remember my first software engineer internship, the boss was terrible. He was cheap and only hired interns we had 0 guidance. This mother fucker would say shit in meetings like "hey we should start providing DBAAS, similar to DynamoDB start researching it I want a prototype by Wednesday" Wtf this guy is nuts. The overall product was suppose to be a fucking virtual machine hosting platform to compete with AWS, Digital Ocean, RackSpace etc designed by BS computer science interns lol. This guy tells us in a meeting one day "You know what's the difference between those guys (the competitors) and us?" We all looked around lost. This pompous ass hole says "Me , that's the difference you guys have me " 😂 what a fucking joke , not to mention all he has is a shitty math degree from a bullshit no name college in India, no developing experience what so ever. Man o man I never met anyone that was so fucking stupid but thought they were so fucking smart

– we’ll be making money teaching people to code
– okay, so what should I do?
– it’s up to you. Develop the whole course and start making money for us
– ...

Another one, same boss:
– let’s develop paid website/press kit wysiwyg generator, it should be ready today
– it’s not a fucking landing page, it require more time, so let me do some research first
– you’re fired

Boy, was he an asshole. Me and my gf worked there for several months, then we left and boom, a month have passed and his company stopped existing

Motherfucking WordPress coupled with motherfucking sales people.

If you promise the client something, please fucking relay it via the correct process (i.e the fucking ticketing system that took me a month to write for the company - it's seriously just a click away on your desktop.). "I told your boss" is not a fucking apt excuse.

My boss forgets, and well, doesn't give a fuck about procedure either.

Now you phone my boss and he phones me, on a fucking Sunday evening, telling me that the client was promised a website by tomorrow morning at 10AM. You tell me this at fucking 9PM.

Why didn't you tell me earlier? How the fuck am I supposed to shit out something I would be proud of in a few hours? Nevermind me fucking up my sleeping routine; how the fuck?

Conversation went like this:
"xyz was promised this site by sales person fuckTwit, I need this live by Monday morning. I have sent you a few images. Make it in WordPress, client says they want a 'tangy looking theme'.

Me: it's a bit unrealistic requesting this, is there no way we can extend the time so I have time to create this?
Also, what do you mean by 'tangy'?

Boss: don't know. Make it happen. No excuses.

What the fuck is a tangy theme? When I become a webDev at the company? More importantly, fucking WordPress?!

Now I'm sitting on this shit, tired as a manatee in mating season, and using goddamn WordPress.

I have to halt my irritation, because I get severely irritated when I'm tired, I have to restrain myself from telling the involved parties tomorrow to install the FuckYourself WordPress plugin, coupled with a resignation letter.

Same sales person got me in shit a while ago, because I refused to give him access to the network to download fucking cartoons. Sales director went and moaned that his bitch (the sales person) needs this for a presentation. Yeah fucking right.
Go Snorkelling in a sewer truck you egotistic, megalomaniacal, indecent, outrageous, horrible motherfucker of a person.

Time to develop a fucking website with, oh, a company profile pamphlet.

Times like this I keep telling myself, "my time will come, my time will come".

No boss... For the fucking millionth time: unit tests are not a waste of time.

You keep testing everything manually and hoping that you tested everything every time and praying that there are no bugs IS THE FUCKING TIME WASTE

My boss just can't fucking wrap his head around automated tests... I'm trying hard... Gonna try harder...

I did it! I FUCKING DID IT! I got the new job, where I am paid better and won't get abused! The culture is better, pay is better!

My struggle now! Do I do finger guns to my current boss after telling him? I hate that asshole.

Check this out.
Brazil is coming to a halt right now because of a distribution blockage by the truck drivers.

Gasoline tripled the litter price from yesterday.

Gas stations are going empty.

Air-fucking-ports are out of diesel/gas.

Public transportation might stop tomorrow.

And my boss "will consider" home office, wtf dude, are you retarded?

Guuuyyyssss

In my recent rant I told that I will go to an programming challange (or so) in Bonn, Germany.

Today my boss told me I can go if I present the competition to all other bosses in our department + I will be a participant in the "innovation section" of our department. YESS FUCKING YESSSSSSS

I could get fucking promoted jeeeeeeeeeeeee

On call: part 2... WHY THE HELL ARE YOU GOING TO ASK US TO STOP RESTORING *YOUR* SERVICES SO *YOUR* CUSTOMER HAS ACCESS TO *YOUR* STUFF BECAUSE YOU WANT TO SLEEP. If you call me because shits down, I'm going to fucking fix it. Idgaff if you're tired because it's been an 8 hour day, I've been working for 15 hours and I am contractually obligated to get this shit up asap and you needing your fucking beauty sleep is not a damn good reason to fuck up my contact...

(They got my boss' boss' boss' boss' boss' boss on the line who told them that but nicer -its why she gets paid more- and they still insisted. But at least they owe US more money to cover some *legal contractual mumbled jargon* it makes it better, and it's documented so they can't turn it around on us)

Will someone please send coffee? I have 2 more days of this.

I'm starting to fucking hate the word 'done'.

Scenario 1:

Boss: How's the spec coming along?
Manager: Oh, it's done.

Manager to me: Hey can you get it done?
Me: Why would you call it done? There's a days worth of work and it's only half done. Boss wasn't even rushing it yet.

Manager: Too late I've already committed it. I'm sure it's simple anyway. Just do it.

Scenario 2:

Manager: Hey is it done?
Noob dev: Yea it's done.

*Commits half assed incomplete sphagetti shit that breaks stuff*

Manager: Well done. Completed so quickly.

FUCK THIS SHIT.

Been reading devrant posts for a month or so, this is my first actual post. I'm hoping it will be therapeutic. ☺️ I need something to keep me from killing my boss when I see him again tomorrow..

Some backstory: Currently working in HR for the last 7 or so years with complete shit for brains boss, even worse when it comes to anything related to technology. For almost two years I've been working to get another bachelor's degree. This time in computer sciences, to make a career switch to systems and software engineer. Last week I roughly had the following wonderful conversation:

Boss: we've needed new Recruitment software for a while now. Can't you make us one as a school project?

Me: 'Make us one?' It's not really that simple.. I'm barely halfway through my education, maybe I could do it, but it would take me quite a long time even if I could work on it fulltime.. Combining a halftime job with a fulltime education is taking up enough of my time as it is and I have more than enough school projects btw..

Boss: it would be a win-win. Work a little harder in your spare time and when you graduate you have a real-life project on your resume.

Me: I'm sorry, i'm failing to see the 'win' for me here.. I work 10 hours a day, 7 days a week on average, trying to combine work and studies. I'm pretty much maxed out..

Boss: Your coworker(also extreme dumbass) told me you wrote some quick code the other day that helped him out. Don't underestimate yourself, I'm sure you can do this.

Me(in complete disbelief by now): I wrote him an Excel-macro! They don't even teach me that at school. It's a very very very long way from actual software development! I'm sorry, it just can't be done.

Boss: Thats too bad. I expected you to welcome an opportunity like this and be more motivated towards this company..

Me: ***more disbelief and silence, just staring at him***
I'm sorry you feel that way.
***walked away***

WTF, I work my ass off for 7 years for this fucking shithead.. Even before I started this bachelors degree I had at least some understanding of the work developers put in their software. It blows my mind, no, it fucking angers me how people think making software is so simple.. Why do you think it's a 3-year education you fucking cunt?

Please, someone tell me how I can keep myself from ramming his fucking head through a wall tomorrow...

I'M NOT HELPDESK. I CAN'T FIX YOUR BROWSER OPTIONS. I LOVE YOU TO FUCKING PIECES BECAUSE YOU STOP THE INCREDIBLY FUCKING STUPID CALLS, BUT I CAN'T HELP YOU and now I feel like a prick. Call your boss and make him do his fucking job. Please. I don't want to scream at you. I need you in my life...

So;dfjkhijasdfkjq;sdfhjkl;asdf

I copy a line from one spec (to create a user) and paste it in another spec. It works just dandy in the first, and throws MySQL missing column errors in the other.

Fucking what.

This codebase is full of shit like this. Things work in one place but not another, and it’s never obvious why. Tens of thousands of gotchas and quirks. The only way I can get an answer to things like these is to either beg my boss for an explanation, which I’m sure he’s long since tired of, or spend a full day (or more) wading through several rabbit holes filled with raw sewage.

I wasted two hours today trying to get a simple fucking factory to work. And you know what? I just gave up and used the existing admin user. Yeah it’s a bad idea, but it’s fucking good enough.

They can yell if they want.
I have no cares left.

Okay, y'all!
Thank you for being remotely interested in my post. It really cheered me up :-D
Here's the definition I submitted, also attached the proof of my humiliation.

devrant

It's the ray of fucking sunshine in a developer's perpetually annoying lifestyle. It is developer-made for developer-use.
An anonymous social platform where the app owners/founders/creators ACTUALLY LISTEN to user feedback!

Developers who have made up a million fucking ways to ask their fucktard co-worker/boss/client to go die, can exchange their creativity for ++s.
It's a platform to channel their rage into a creative rant and calm down a bit. It's like taking a long, deep, virtual breath.

Useless software/apps that behave like they were developed by 5 year olds, also take a hit sometime.

PS - Addiction is a common side effect.

Fucking boss trying to "inspire" us by talking about famous people like elon musk, steve jobs etc.

Well newsflash dumb boss, they are not employees, they are fucking bosses too!

Atleast, consider paying us for overtime before trying to make us rebuild entire project in an impossible deadline.

And yeah, hiring someone who has experience in that framework would be helpful too.

A fucking shit happened.

I finished coding the front-end design of the website and pushed it to the PM and Boss to review. After 5 days, they came back and said that they made mistake. They gave me the wrong sitemap and design. 23rd June is the deadline, I hope they extend the deadline.

I've only experienced a quitting coworker once.

In a previous job a coworker quit with the words directed to the boss in a very loud and aggressive manner: "Ich künde, du verfiggti pissmorchle!!!"*, while throwing around office chairs and swearing all kinds of nasty stuff.

My boss at that time was indeed a fucking wanker. He exploited the shit out of every employee and expected from us that we work overtime for free. No pauses were paid, eventhough he'd had to by law.
I don't have to mention that he was a sexist fucktard and 3 female ex-employees sued him for sexual assault.
Sadly he is still in charge of that wanker company and he "miraculously" dodged every "bullet".

* trigger-safely and roughly translated to: "I quit, you fucking wanker!!!"

Is it normal my boss want me to pay for the coffee I drink at work? 🤔
He asks me €1 for 2 coffee capsules for his coffee machine, while each costs only 22 cents… fucking bastard.
And it doesn't even taste good…

Dear fucking boss,

If you want me to implement a huge feature which requires the creation of dozens of db tables, server side classes and front end pages, just fucking stop ask me every 2 hours if I’m done.

Best regards,
The employee that will quit in a week or two

When you are given a task or bugs to fix and your boss will tell you everytime that, "this is so easy this will be done in just 3 seconds".

WTF! Then don't hire devs and do it yourself! And start fixing all the damn bugs in just 3 seconds yourself! There are 28800 seconds in whole fucking 8 hours, I guess if we divided it by 3 you can finish a task or fix a bug at approximately 9600! (Applause) Now we are silently calling him "The 3 seconds man'.

Once crafted a beautifully executed use of Polymorphism with intuitive interfaces and classes with a concise and loose code just to watch my boss get rid of the interface , because it had no code in it, and fill the fucking code with an ugly switch statement to choose which class to instantiate.

My life is hell

Got selected for in a start-up
Went the other day to finalize things

Bastard of a boss makes me wait for 2 hours
Then calls me and says "I have seen your game and i know your potential,,My development team isn't able to make this app,so I want you to do it alone,,Plus i want it better than out competitors product,and oh,,make for iOS as well"

Someone tell that bastard that unity game development and Android app development are 2 very different fucking things

Surely getting fured with lot of humiliation
😭😭

OMFG GOD BOSS!! JUST TELL ME ALREADY EVERYTHING I HAVE TO FUCKING KNOW ABOUT THIS FUCKING FEATURE!

EVERY FUCKING TIME I FINISH IT YOU GIVE ME SOME DETAIL THAT I HAVE TO REWORK PIECES OF IT!!

DUMB PIECE OF SHIT!!!

Yesterday I received the API documentation from an external company. Over half of the endpoints are either wrong or send invalid data and even the given test requests are fucking failing.
It's a nightmare. We have to finish a website until friday and that company did nothing for 2 months and now we have 2 days left.
The sheer incompetence is too damn high.
My boss said it would have been much better if we had implemented the API on our own. Damn right.

The kind of method names you get for making me go to work on Saturday

my fucking boss wants me to wear formal clothes to work (no tracksuit, no hoodie etc...), it's like i will type 1/3x faster with my FUCKING TIE! I WANT TO MURDER THE MOTHERFUCKER

Sorry boss, I can't work today, fucking Intellij is indexing again.

Holy fucking shit!
Look, I know I'm kinda average, I actually think I'm kinda stupid... But holy fuck this new mother fucker at work is in a fucking new level of dumb ... OMG!

I'm actually thinking about asking my boss to let him go and this guy isn't even there for 2 weeks yet.

I’m working for fucking idiots. Here is an actual conversation I had with my boss today.

Me: I checked the numbers, and barely anyone is using our app more than once. Not only is a minuscule amount of people downloading it (we have 300 downloads), but none of those people use it more than once. Use retention is important and we’re failing in that regard.

Boss: User retention doesn’t matter. Investors don’t care about that. Blah blah blah all we need is marketing blah blah. We just need a bunch of people to download once. That’s all that marketers care about....in fact, an potential investor himself told me that he doesn’t care (obvious lie)

Me: Well, can I talk to this investor? What’s his name? Is he in California or India/China?

Boss: oh you can’t be at the investor meeting. It’s high level. Just don’t worry about it. Trust me, I know what I’m talking about.

On the bright side, this whole exchange has motivated me even more in my quest to find a new job. And I guess it’s important to learn what not to do from idiots

I'm really close to just quitting coding all together. This job is sucking the life out of me. I've lost my interest in code and the idea that there are better jobs out there.

My "boss" who's not even really my boss but behaves like he is, is micromanaging my every tag, and is an information hog. He doesn't document, he doesn't tell me anything, I've been here six months and still don't know half of what I need to know to do my job properly!

I'm expected to implement a new responsive design, but we don't have design specifications.
Cool, you'd think, new ideas, complete overhaul! Let's get a good foundation in bootstrap going!

WRONG! It needs to fit in with the old, fuck- ugly pre 2000 design.

Not because of any design constraints in particular, but because HE wants it that way. You know what was fucking trendy in 2000? Tables. Tables fucking everywhere. YOU KNOW WHAT TABLES ARE NOT? RESPONSIVE YOU FUCKING ICE LOLLY CHEWER!

We have no development timeline, no process management, no fucking project management. THE FUCKING PASSWORDS WERE STILL STORED IN PLAIN TEXT UNTIL LAST MONTH YOU IRRESPONSIBLE BANANA DEEPTHROATER! 😤😤😤😤😤😤

I'm doing my best here to get something resembling the old page, but there needs to be some fucking compromise! We are in fucking 2017, let's work with Bootstrap instead of against it, how about that you fucking bald cactus!

I know enough about UI to know that the way we're going, this is just going to be another unusable fucking clusterfuck.

YOU KNOW THE BEST FUCKING PART? I'M A FUCKING BACKEND DEV AND I WAS HIRED AS SUCH! GIVE ME A DESIGN TEMPLATE AND I'LL DO MY BEST TO IMPLEMENT IT, BUT FUCK YOU FOR EXPECTING FRONT END LEVEL DESIGN KNOWLEDGE YOU DUMB FUCKING SPAGHETTI!

I found my people. We're going to start late night drunken security certification studying. Germany is fucking awesome. I haven't had anything to rant about since my flight here.

Also, celebration: my terrible boss declined the job offer from the company that bought us out. Life fucking rocks

We used to use Trello for our team boards and was starting to transition to Gitlab's issues for better code integration...

I became aware that my boss was being "demanded" to have a better analytics of our team performance so I started digging more insightful issue/tasks software like YouTrack ( Jetbrains ) and Jira ( Atlasian ).

After 2 months of trial and learning I suggested we go with YouTrack.

"We" are now using it for about 6 months already and it is a fucking mess.

My peers have no clue how to scrum, even after my efforts to teach them and they even spent a fucking 3 days workshop about it on fucking Google (!?!?) without me ( there is a rant about it ).

My boss is a nice person but the dude lacks any trace of competence to manage anyone other than him.

I'm tired of babysitting a man that is 10 years older than me and has a car that costs almost 10x mine.

I'm two days back from vacation and I almost rage quited 5 times.

A dickhead boss that wrote a single fucking sql select (SELECT * FROM data WHERE 1) to display all the not normalized and redundant shit in an html 4.0 styled table. He proudly shown that shit to me saying "modify it to make a crud that will become a full management software in the 2.0". Furthermore he wants to scarpe data from websites that ecplicitly say that using that data it's not legal.

Conversation with Boss about a new project.

[Me]: We have to program an API and preferably our own backend, so that all the wishes of the customer are covered. In addition, there will also be an app later, as the customer has requested

[Boss]: Why should we program everything from scratch?

[Me]: We do not have to program everything from scratch, we can already use some existing stuff, or even use frameworks etc. But the project is so complex that such a path must be taken.

[Boss]: Hmm, ok.

... some time later ...
boss comes to me.

[Boss]: (shines and is very happy) I have the perfect solution! We simply use Shopware and finish the project as soon as possible.

Are you fucking kidding me? I’ve never worked with Shopware, and the Backend looks like fucking Windows 98. He’s not even a Dev! So how can he judge it that way?
he does that every fucking time!!

The worst work culture I've experienced was at a local security company.
There was a reason why over 15 people come and go within 6 months (just 30 people work there):
The boss is a fucking psychopath and should be (mis)treated in a high-security mental health institution.
There has not been one sane day during the 90 days I had to work there.
A friend of mine still has to work there because he can't find anything else in his current situation...

My call team lost power. If our major clients try to call and can't, we're fucked. My boss isn't helping and I can't do shit about it without him, he just keeps saying they need to get power. The people they need for that aren't answering. How fucking difficult is it to stop jerking off long enough to help them out so we don't get fucked out of egregious amounts of money.

So after you fucked your Ubuntu installation last year because you decided to `chmod -R 777 /` you are telling me that you did the same to /home and /var/lib because the former intern "told you so"?!?!

How can someone be SO FUCKING STUPID??
Fuck...
My boss ladies and gentleman...

"why do java programmers wear glasses? ...
Because they can't see sharp"

My fucking ex-boss trying to be funny. Well you're not funny youfuckingpieceoftrash

WTF BOSS?

STOP WRITING THESE FUCKING OBVIOUS SQL INJECTABLE CODE YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT!!!

BURN MOTHERFUCKER, BURN!!!

The face of confusion my boss made when I suggested the development of a simple "api" (one end point) to solve a particular issue we faced after improving our infrastructure made me realize I need to abandon this ship...

He really can't wrap his head around calling a URL and doing something on a server although that's what we do every fucking day...

I just realized that my fucking boss managed to put a back end dev to do front end and a front end dev to make an api.

So me and the front end dev are constantly asking each other stuff instead of doing the fucking job properly because it isn't the subject that we like/spend our free time learning.

Although I understand that its good to have some "full stack" knowledge I also understand that my ui/ux is gonna suck while his api is gonna suck :)

Hey boss, I see you working saturday 11pm updating these fucking cards...

That is why you manage to "do the impossible" , get a life dude... go be with your wife and "soon to be" kid.

Damn, no wonder he always says the deadline is possible.

my boss: this fucking thing doesn't get done and everyone is coming after me about it

me, who doesn't have the access required to fix that for him:

Wow my job sucks right now. Un fuckin believable.
I got hired a month ago as a programmer. Everything went fine at first, then my Boss asked if I could do 3D modeling, and I could, I used Maya for 4 years, but I told him I only can do simple low poly models. A partner company of ours needed some help in their 3D department and I had to help.
Well, I thought, a small 3D project from time to time would be nice and refreshing, especially since it was very easy geometry, my Boss even showed me some previous projects and That was totally doable even for me.

So i started out making the first few models in blender, because we dont have anything else. After a day of getting used to blender i sent off the first models and it all began.

They wanted detailed, high poly models of some mechanical parts, my Boss originally told me it was just an abstract visualisation... fuck me...

Well I agreed to it so had to do it. The partnering Company started to change things, seemingly at random. Had a model completely modelled, textured and animated, now they want to change the model so I have to redo the UVs, the texture and the Animation god fucking damnit.

But still I thought ok, its only for a bit. Now my boss accepted even more work. Because of endless reworks I couldnt finish even one model and have to already make the new ones.

Now my boss is pissed because that company is pissed that i cant know what they want.

Big pile of misscommunication.
I hope this is over soon but I overheard that more is coming...

One day at a meeting I proposed a solution and explained it to everyone and everyone agreed to it. And then comes in this motherfucking Mr. shithole who starts talking about a piece of shit approach which had apparent drawbacks and everyone could see it but no one mentions. Why, becuase that bigger asshole is the boss of these smaller assholes. When I mention the drawbacks, all I get in return is, you are right but we think you should go this way. No fucking explanation why should I or any son of bitch should go that way. And every single one of those fuckers in the meeting suddenly became ok with his approach without any question or doubt. I mean WTF! What kind of developer you are if cant fucking express your views.

You know the anxiety that is caused by having your boss breathing down your neck as you fix something?
.....
WELL I DON'T
SIT DOWN MOTHERFUCKER AND WATCH THIS SHIT

I fucking invite this micromanaging fuckery. Come on dude get closer and check this shit out. Countless hours perfecting my sweet skills, lemme show them to you and make yo dumbass feel inadequate AF

dude was literally looking as i saved the day over some fuckery that happened while i was taking care of alllll the other motherfucking support tickets.

Dude even said wow.

I said "i am in this bitch what's up?"

Guarantee mfkers won't fuck with you if you show them how much of a fucking boss you are.

*doesn't drop mic
*smashes guitar instead

So, boss asks for support on sunday, I say sure, no problem. I arrive, get to my station and suddenly my nose, eyes and throat become itchy. The goddamn building's been fumigated. Fucking assholes. I'm going back home dizzy and nauseous.

Motherfucker, every fucking meeting on this project we have a fucking 3 week deadline to accomplish the fucking impossible.

And now they practically want me to rewrite the whole fucking application.

And my fucking boss can't fucking shut the fuck up and keep having "ideas" on new thing.

YEU FUKCING STUPID PIECES OF SHIT!!! HOW CAN WE ADD SHIT WHEN EVERYTHING IS HALF ASSED BECAUSE WE DONT STOP ADDING SHIT? FUCK YOU!

> be me a 23 y.o intern
> two years on self learned MEAN stack

> first day of intern<

> boss: we need you to become an iOS intern
> me: *whut*
> me: *thinking swift syntax is similar to JavaScript*
> me: OK, in swift ?
> boss: No, in Obj-C
> me: *fuck*

> spend 2 days to familiarize with Obj-C
> boss: Here's a bug, solve it.
> me: OK
> me: *checking their code for the first time*
> me: *fuck, fucking huge*
> me: *open up bug related ViewConttoller*
> me: *fuck, 6k lines of code*
> me: *fucking MVC*

> spend 2 hours to fix the bug <

> boss: you did great ! awesome
> me: *heh*
> boss: *announce to everyone* from now on INTERN will take over the project.
> me: *whut*
> boss: here's our roadmap plz implement features

> after 3 months <

> me fixing bug <
> me do feature development <
> me write shitty code <
.
.
.
repeat, life as an intern

My boss codes shitty ugly fucking abominations.
These fucking piles of hacky crap are worth less than a penny puked out by a dog, eaten by another one and then shit out, grabbed by a vagrant, stuffed in his arse and then sold as raw metal by the cremation worker after the former's death.

Fuck this. I'm not gonna rewrite this. Fuck you.

sooo shit started hitting the fan

after another useless discussion where PM tried to hardcore micromanage me and then bullshit his way out, i fucking tilted and started swearing.
after this discussion, he invited to a meeting next week to talk about "miscommunication".

no need bruh, i'll tell my boss on Monday i want to switch to another team.

OH MY FUCKING GOD XD

My female coworker was in an phonecall with my boss and he was sharing his desktop.

He is not the smartest so he forgot about sharing his desktop after the phonecall.

We are watching since half an hour while he is answering his e-mails :D and he don't even notice XD

I started working in a company where they use scala/akka stack, that requires a huge amount of hw resources to compile and debug, so my boss bought me a new laptop: a MacBook Pro. I came from a Dell with Linux Fedora, and now:
FUCK YOU APPLE YOUR COMPUTERS ARE SO SHITTY
JUST EXPLAIN ME WHY THE FUCKING KEYBOARD IS SO A PIECE OF SHIT WITH THE FUCKING COMMAND KEY
FUCK YOU COMMAND KEY
FUCK YOU MAC OS WITH YOUR SHITTY POLICIES YOU CAN'T INSTALL THIS PROGRAM BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO ENABLE UNKNOWN RESOURCES
FUCK YOU BREW AND BREW CASK WHAT THE FUCK OF TWO SHOULD I USE
FUCK THE STUPID TOUCHBAR I WANT THE FUCKING ESC, DELETE, F1, F2 AND SO ON
FUCK YOU APPLE YOUR MAC IS FRAGILE AS FUCK I CAN'T THROW THAT FROM THE FIFTH FLOOR OF MY BUILDING LIKE A THINKPAD
FUCK YOU SAFARI THAT YOU DON'T REFRESH THE PAGE WITH F5

I have a small gif for you just to explain how much shitty is Mac OS

Last meeting I suggested we started using unit test and perhaps TDD on our platforms.

My boss is open to it and everyone seems to like the idea...

Now I just discovered that our dumbass coworker is trying to say by my back that its a bad idea to double the code efforts and that he sees no point in it...

Well dumbass cock sucker who can't even fucking remember how to write `docker-compose up` without messing things up you can fuck your self because you are certainly gonna be fucked sideways untill the end of the year.

TL;DR age != competence

My boss is a fucking computer illiterate self taught programmer.

Don't get me wrong, he can do shit, pretty shitty but it gets done...

But the dude has 38 fucking years old and somehow still searches for keys on the fucking keyboard and struggles to touch type anything...

I sometimes crying the fuck out when I have to help him with something...

I'm having a mini fucking panic attack right now just thinking of it... Fuck

He is our "manager" but doesn't even have the fucking balls to confront his own subordinates when they need to be confronted... Everyone is aware of this and everyone is fucking around... And no one sees any consequences... I wonder why deadlines are always missed...

He is so passive that every fucking thing someone asks he goes and says it is OK...

I was studying same psychology about ignorance and I think he lacks the understanding that shit is hard to do...

We literary had a conversation the other day something like that:

Boss: so, what do you think? One call to the api for it to return all data or multiple calls to return smaller ones?

Me: well... It takes ~180ms just for latency to the server for one call, if you have 10 calls it will take 180*10ms, it is better if we have one call and cache it if necessary on the backend.

( he has no fucking clue wtf caching is, besides browser cache)

Boss: (looking confuse AS FUCK!!) Well, I don't get it... Maybe I'll test it later.

Me thinking: test how you dumb motherfucker? On you fucking workstation with no fucking latency?
There is no fucking test. I'm stating it. IT IS A FUCKING FACT!

Me: well, it takes that for the call to go to the api and come back , its simple math. 1 == 180, 10 == 1800.
Suit yourself.

Me:
Totally riffing to my new playlist....
the ideas are just flowing.....
Code flying...
changing in my brain....
I think I've got I might have it.....
...... RING RING ITS THE MOTHERFUCKING BOSS,
Boss:
Why is the whole website down?

Me: WTF, looks fine here, all logs are clear.

Boss: I just got an email saying the whole thing is fucked. Stop everything and fix it now.

Me: but we just agreed dev is taking priority over any support issues within sla and I've checked from everywhere there are no issues, just data issues probably from user error.

Boss: Just get it back and figure it out!!!!! Why are you being difficult?

Me: okay whatever, let's patch each of these shits.

COULDVE SENT THIS ANYWHERE BUT NOW MY IDEA IS GOOOONEEE!!!!!! NULL FUCKING DATA FIELD ON A SINGLE FUCKING EMAIL....FRAAAAACKKK THIS

New boss: So, you'll do just some coding, we just need to restructure current DB.
Me: Ok

One month later...
Boss: So, we are creating new LMS in WORDPRESS (yeah, fcking wordpress) so you'll do this and that and...
Me: Oh, well I like challenges so let's see.

Another month later...
Boss: WE NEED OFFLINE MOBILE APP THAT WILL DOWNLOAD WHOLE FUCKING WP WITH EVERY SINGLE VIDEO AND EVERYTHING AND STUDENT WILL LEARN FROM THAT. WE ARE OPENING IT IN ONE MONTH.

So we have this HUGE ass project , really challenging , that my boss and "PM" have been meeting with the client for months now...

I got on board , guess what?

NO ONE HAVE A FUCKING CLUE ON WHAT THE FUCK THEY WANT!!!!!

ALL FUCKING GENERIC REQUIREMENTS!!! WHAT THE FUUUCK!!!

[ insert fucking pitch screaming!!!! ]

FUUUUUUUUUUCK YOU!

Yeah boss, lets study Scrum extensively so you can:

- Create variable length sprints
- User stories that are meaningless like 'fixes'
- Tasks that should be User Stories
- Duplicated tasks/stories that are on the fucking backlog already
- Cross sprints on projects
- No meetings at fucking all to determine who will do what
- Assign people on vacation to current sprints

The list goes on...

An when I point things like that out lets just look at the guy who spent 6 months studying this shit, taught you ( at least tried... ) as if he is saying nonsense while our projects get delayed and our code spaghettifies because we are always in a hurry for lack of time to plan anything :)

I was hired as JS Dev, done some projects with Angular and Node, after several months my boss told me to maintain a FUCKING PHP webapp with no documentation and shitty codebase. After he saw the results, he told me *man, you got some potential*, and he assigned me to build websites using wordpress(WTF is he thinking!). I thought that was the last time he would do something ridiculous, Yesteday he asked me if i can do Video Animation(After Effects)!!

Boss left. Now I'm the only c# developer left to maintain 137 projects at this company. I woke up to a flood of emails with 3 requests and 2 applications breaking because he was a shitty programmer and didn't understand layering and design patterns and unit testing. Fucking dear God help.

Boss: Any idea why ColleagueX's code might be blowing out the memory?

Me (internal): Cos he's a fucking retard who can't code for shit, doesn't listen when I tell him to do stuff properly because he's fucking lazy, has no idea what stack and heap are, uses goto everywhere, doesn't know how to debug, doesn't write any unit tests, and generally WASTES MY FUCKING TIME!

Me (external): Probably a memory leak. I'll take a look.

When your boss gives her boss an update on your project that isn't true, and makes you look incompetent, just because she had no idea. Fucking muppet.

Thanks to Microsoft and Windows for making my work day one hour shorter. FUCK OFF WITH THIS FORCED UPDATE/RESTART SHIT!!!! Who the fuck in Microsoft thought that this was a smart idea? Fucking assholes. And yes, I did tell it to only update outside office hours. Doesn't work apparently.
Luckily it's easy to explain to my boss why I had one hour of not being productive.

My boss keeps trying new tech with important new projects instead of trying the fucking new things with anything other than important shit.

I support this let's try better options approach but cmon, be rational about it.

Dear Boss

Would you.
Fucking.
PLEASE.
Stop.
Moving.
The Standup.
Time.

You've fucked around with the meeting time eight times since the end of Jan. Figure your schedule out, pick a time for our daily shit, and stick to it dude. PLEASE.

I'm a family man and you're making my mornings absolute hell to plan for.

Signed,

me.

Trying to explain functions to my coworker and why they should be used even if powershell scrips don't 'need' functions
I've explained it 5 different ways across multiple meetings when they've gotten stuck on something.

At this point I've decided 1. I don't have the patience or brains to be a teacher..., 2. I'm going to have to review every script they ever fucking write, 3. I'm never letting them work on anything critical or time sensitive for big clients. (Small clients ehhh) I'll fight my boss to avoid that headache lol

I seear man fucking shit php devs make it hard for people to appreciate the language.
To start, i don't think there is anything wrong with php. As a language I know damn near all of its pitfalls and have successfully deployed huge applications with minimal fuss.

The thing is...this shit seems to happen only when I AM THE MOTHERFUCKER THAT DOES IT

In any other scenario i am constantly cursing the original author under my fucking breath hoping that they choke on their own dicks. Fucking cunts.

Really man, some of the fucking code i have seen. This shit is dangerous as fuck and i can't believe that in 2019 motherfuckers would not have the decency to google for best fucking practices or learn it from a fucking book and shit.

Writing proper php code is not that fucking hard people, every fucking update to the language, every fucking tool that comes out is for the betterment of it.
Guess proper oop or functional paradigms are too complex for some dickheads. Hell, not even top to bottom procedural code.

Fuck me. Good thing is, boss is happy, the entire faculty is happy, the board is happy. Everyone is motherfucking happy.

Dez negroids better remember this shit cuz I just asked for a $20k raise.

I got a raise literally every time i ask for one so this one better make the cut.

Fuck shit php developers man. Y'all don't deserve the language, y'all make the language look bad, y'all make the community look bad.

Fuck you, die and eat a dick. Do all that shit in whatever order you prefer.

Oh, my boss never fails to amaze me...

Every fucking time he talks about changes to someone outside the team he says something like:
"we always gotta be prepared for breaks because it is always like that, you change something here and when you see you broke something there"
All in a manner that *tries* to bring tensions down.

And every time I explain to him why the fuck automated tests are important and wtf they do he always manage to understand it as a waste of time...

I'm never gonna give up, motherfucker.

The boss made us to set a shitty background (pattern) to the website we are working on right now but it looks ugly as hell. I tried to change his mind several times but no, he fucking loves that background.

I had a delivery deadline on the same day when an urgent support request came in. My boss was a stupid sucker who was afraid of taking responsibility, and that's a vice I absolutely hate with bosses.

We had quite a heated argument where he just wanted me to give priority to both things, which I declined because I had no idea how much time the support research would take me.

Finally, he decided that I should work on the support item immediately, but only for up to one hour. He was totally surprised when I accepted that without further argument. I told him that all I had wanted from him had been a priority decision, and that was one.

Felt like explaining to my boss what his fucking job was.

Boss: We need to disable CSRF and any other form of security, because that shitty, insignificant client has a website that is abomination anyone's eyes, can't pay because of the iframe thingy.

Me: I'd advice against it. This is a significant security issue that just screams to be exploited and there has to be a solution, but idk much about this situation.

Boss: Idk we need to kiss every clients ass till they come. Remove all the security

Me: *Just wants to get home, last one in the office besides the boss* fine
*removes it, deploys and gets the fuck home*

...2 weeks later

Payment gateway: Yeah, we blocked your account, because someone was trying to purchase 30k product in a span of 1h

I'm not even mad about that, but rather about the fact I fucking called it.

* Achievement unlocked: Targeted by scammers

P.s. no major damages, cause the guys from the payment gate understand shit about security.

For God fucking sake! The absolute worst platforms are TV's.. LG - WebOS has barely any documentation and a framework that runs very poorly. Not to talk about the 200 bulletpoint self checklist you have to go through before you can submit a new release!

Samsung - Tiden TV... Told me to contact a content manager, and I've almost been waiting 3 months now for any answer, haven't heard a word. My boss thinks I should write another email and cc him so Samsung will get scared... Jesus fucking Christ this sector is a bunch of arrogant lazy fucks

I'm at a pretty cool company today, learning new stack now. Everyone is helpfull and teaches me a lot.

I remember at my first job, when I just started, my boss sent me a MINIFIED .js file (just one file and nothing else) and said "it doesnt work, please fix this". After OBVIOUSLY not being able to fix it, at that moment, I started to doubt my choice to become a web dev.

I turned out to be pretty okay. But, fucking hell, thinking back, that "ex-boss" of mine could potentially influence my later career decisions and not in a good way.

Been a really sad day today. Learnt this morning that my friend had died. Couldn't concentrate on anything but managed to give a nice report to boss on video call. Tried coding, but could only code a dropbox before giving up and firing up PES. Was so absent-minded the AI kept hammering me. Closed the damn thing and tries coding again but realized the combo box was that would get done today. Fucking sucks when you lose a friend. Even harder to take that he died after falling of a rooftop. Fucking suck!!

Me: I’m gonna make it so the users can access the locations for 30days.
Boss: wtf? U dumb? Do you know how valuable that data is, dont fucking put a limit

Me: *listening 10minutes of him ranting how that’s the stupidest idea he’s heard all day*

Boss:why would you want to do that anyways like wtf?

Me: storage optimization

Boss: 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 wtf r u like a idiot or smthng.

My head: nah I’m done, I’m about to roast this guy with my numbers*
Me: every single minute 40k rows of data come in from just ONE☝️ CLIENT.....AND THATS HOW, EVEN IF WE ADD THAT FUCKING 2 YEAR LIMIT WE WOULD BE HOSTING 5 FUCKING PETABYTES OF DATA FOR JUST ONE CLIENT, not including other shits, this is only for heatmaps. And imagine changing all of that database system in the future, that would require going threw so much databases and pages, this ain’t just like changing one number and bam less storage space.

Boss: Ok, add that 2 year limit, later we will sort this out.

My brain: *omg, now that I know these numbers how will I ever fall asleep😦*

WOW!! What a fucking cop out. After what happened yesterday about branching. my senior and our boss had a meeting and I wasn’t included. My senior then message me to next time dont create another branch just use the existing branch even if it was merged. I said “ok but i thought thats the best practice, we we’re doing that since the beginning”. Senior then responded “Whats best practice for our boss, that will be our best practice” what a fucking cop out!!! Bitch!!

I am actually a bit angry that there is no fucking thing to rant about at my new work - no dumb clients, no dumb project managers (I am doing project management with the boss and the company is somewhat startupish) and the project is interesting as well.

Don't you just hate when your boss goes like:
"Why isn't this feature working?"

SHIT FUCK, IF I KNEW THE REASON, MAYBE I WOULD HAVE FIXED THAT SHIT, INNIT?

WHAT KIND OF FUCKING QUESTION IS THAT?

"Well you should have tested better"

IT TOOK A MONTH FOR 1 USER TO SEE THAT BUG, WHAT DO YOU EXPECT? YOU EXPECT ME TO SEE THAT BUG IN THE FEW HOURS OF TESTING I CAN ACTUALLY DO FOR THIS PROJECT?

"There also are other 15 project to get done"

FUCK THIS SHIT

We are on a tight deadline and EVERY FUCKING TIME I see, my fucking boss is developing new features for the product... WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?

I think there is such a thing as "getting too comfortable with the people you work with".

My boss came over and wanted to show me how to do a new process. We start going through the steps and a question arises. I then IM my team lead, because he's the one who would know the answer, and all I get back from him is sarcastic comments and profanity (he doesn't know my boss is sitting at my comp with me). So I keep trying to get him to be serious, and he just keeps his mouth (well, fingers) going. (He is remote - not in our bldg). I want so badly to shut him up because what if he says something about my boss while she is sitting there? Not that he does that, but at the pace he's going, it no longer would surprise me.

There should be some sort of code to hint to your team to STFU and give a fucking answer when one is needed. Sort of like what kids do to hint that a parent is in the room, but for work?

The fact that I have to convert a 90s-ish design into a WordPress theme despite the boss trying to convince our client that WP's shit and we should do it in something else doesn't tilt me as much as it should.

But what DOES tilt me and piss me off is the fact that the shitheads told us to 'make the design better', and so I tried; I made one of their graphics responsive by only designing it with CSS (and for once, I even made it work right) because they wanted a mobile-friendly version but failed to supply a mobile-version PSD so I had to improvise and they had the balls to tell my boss that they're 'disappointed that we failed to follow the guidelines'.

Did you bitchsicles even bother to hire a proper fucking designer who would know how to fucking design a PSD to convert into HTML? There's no fucking grid, the design's all over the fucking place like your mother after a Viagra-fueled Friday night bukakke party at an old home and the colors are an eyesore like your own fucking selves if you ever bothered looking in the fucking mirror. Fuck you all to hell.

So I started a 80hour intership today at our Department of Education and this is how it went...

Boss : Design a database to show all applicants that applied for jobs at schools.

*I start thinking which tables and columns I'm going to use and start designing the database, writes out all the tables on paper*

Me : Is there a pc I should work on or should I use my laptop? And which database engine do you use?

B : No you can use your laptop. And btw we use MS Access

*Thinking wtf kind of business even governmental uses Access for their databases. But anyway, start creating the databases and relationships when my boss walks in*

B : No, what are you doing?

M : Im creating the database you asked for.

B : No, you design it on paper. Draw all the tables, draw the report and the form then you come show it to me, if I decide its good enough you can come in tomorrow and start creating it.

*Wtf kind of place is this, are you mentally retarded? You have a IT staff of 3 people, in which only the actual fulltime intern is a qualified IT professional, but when me or him tries to do some actual work, you give us shit about doing what was asked from us*

Dear boss,
I'm calling in sick today - this fucking thing has the bright idea to update the firmware on its own.

Regards,
@C0D4

During an internship, I spent some time automating reports with VBA. Basically, imagine a few big excel sheets with 1000 formulas and a few thousand lines of VBA.
One of the reports was handed directly to the bosses boss of our boss. After 4 weeks, he came to me and asked why the table entry in row 23 or so was always 84. Well.. I dont know. This data is automatically calculated / retrieved from a database. Went and checked, already sweating, and found that
THE OTHER INTERN COULDNT FIX A FORMULA SO HE OVERRODE IT WITH PLAIN TEXT. WITH A FUCKING PLAIN VALUE OF 84. A FOOKING EXCEL SHEET WITH A THOUSAND DIFFERENT FORMULAS AND LOTS OF VBA. Needless to say, everything is password protected now.

The day I got hired because my (now) boss saw me showing off my super powers as a dev to some fellow students. He liked that I was so energetic.
Now I make quite a lot of money (for my age) and learn so fucking much. By the way, I'm only 17, so it's quite nice.

Murphy's law is completely true.

Deployed my own software the very first time on a customer system on monday.

Today I'm at a job college class when my boss calls me: "...Hey yeah (unrelated) (yadda yadda) the software does not function for anyone").

I fucking knew it.
We don't have a proper project planning nor a real project manager/lead, we don't do QA, and now it's gone to shit.

I did my own testing extensively on monday & Tuesday, everything looked alright and worked like a charm.

I'm looking forward to the weekend already...

Discovered yesterday that my boss does tests with production database... and I'm responsible for the fucking backups and he doesn't even care to let me now when so I can at least schedule one at slave. Come on... it's not that hard to let others know or test on your own machine...

Just noticed my boss turned a nice and beautiful polymorphic code into a fucking hard to maintain switch case that now this mother fucker here has to maintain just because he probably thought it was too hard to understand.

I bet he finds it hard to fuck his wife in any way other than the one she needs to wear a strap on and tear his ass apart...

So we are completely burned out with this project that had a fucking generic contract and my boss never had the balls (and never will) to say no to the client's endless requests and changes...

We are about to deliver it once and for all and they complain about one thing that I have already agreed to my boss that we would not do...
We tell the client that it is the case...

They email everyone involved in the project with a high level of drama on it...

I ask my boss, who is on vacation, on directions as to "how" I should tell them the fuck off...

My boss answer: I'm making a script to solve this issue and to avoid further trouble with it...

Ooo you stupid motherfucker! Can't you see you only bring more trouble with that attitude?

My ex boss wants me to finish some stuff stuff for his company, which means month or two or more without getting paid, while my current job pays me 5 times more then my previous job.. No way I'll make my priority something that doesn't even give some money. Yes I'm young, yes I learned a lot in your company,but I am paying my bills, I have to eat something, and there is no fucking way I'm going to spend that much time in something that gives me nothing.

My job title should be Fireman.
Seriously, the only reason I think my boss makes such stupid fucking decisions and starts fires everywhere is because he knows I have to and can put them out.
Infuriatingly blood boiling or compliment? Can’t decide...

Working at my company for one year with two old 20 inch monitors. My boss asked my what would improve my productivity. I said give me two fucking huge and nice monitors. I got the approval that he ordered for all of us new monitors.

One of the support guys told me the we will get the monitors today. Yeah but that was two weeks ago..

Now all of us are only taking about new monitors.. kinda funny that you can get excited for hardware so easy. Love the IT <3

I just can't... I don't wanna be here anymore... 😭

So a website is due today. Then I just saw the image file of the design they want for the homepage... Today. I don't know when my boss' wife uploaded it on our ERP system, but I was never informed about it. I only saw it when I checked today. No fucking way I'm gonna finish that design today.

FUCK THIS PLAAAAACCEEEE!!!

This is a story about the shitty client who managed to ruin everyone's day, consistently....

So this client, its our biggest revenue source (about 33% of total) and our boss is total wuss when talking to them because of that... Each meeting he has with them he ends up bending over nd just takes it all...

So after each meeting with those shit heads, it's always the same...

It's our fault for going over budget (them changing their mind like 10 times during a project over key issues has of course nothing to do with it, because hey, we're a flexible company and all we do is modular and extendable right?)

Its our fault for not meeting the deadline, because of course our boss keeps accepting last minute projects like there we're otherwise sitting on our thumbs

And than their fucking contact person... Biggest ass ever, always involving us in his own office politics... I'd throw him through the window

I am a fucking first year student and am doing an internship at a SHIT start-up. I've devoted my FUCKING PRECIOUS TIME into their SHIT iOS app, and the fucking boss is keeping procrastinating to get me that fucking pay cheque. For God's fucking sake that they pay me using the Canadian government's money (CSJP), FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
FUUUUUCK YOU

Pretty much right now. I'm seething, just thinking about going to work in a few short hours.

I work for a company that doesn't respect me. A fucking simpleton designer who can do no wrong has changed everything about a project that I'm responsible for, hundreds of times. She gets out a ruler (yes, really), measures stuff against her little mockups (that are also prone to changing without notice), and screams when things don't precisely match her "designs" on every single device she can get her goddamned hands on. She's changed everything except the deadline. I have gotten none of the recognition and all of the blame, and I'm completely over it. This is nothing new. In addition to being a dev team of one, I also found out that I'm the third such person in my company's employ in the last two years, and I've worked here for one.

The final straw was when I was given a schedule for the next project, which I had not been consulted on. It was a printout of an email. Copied in the email was the designer, my boss, and an intern. A FUCKING GOD DAMNED HOURLY INTERN.

Fast forward one week.

I'm in third stage interviews with half a dozen companies right now, second stage interviews with at least that many. When I do get another job, I was originally going to give notice, but I think now I'll just give my boss a printout of an email to the interns and walk out.

Shove the internet up your ass, you fucking fucks

Forms with autofocus. What are your opinions on that?

My boss keeps asking us to always give autofocus to the first input of a form, without any UX study to support it, just his opinion ("I think it makes sense"). I fucking hate it. He says it's nice for keyboard users, but I'm a keyboard user myself and I say that's what the tab key is for. To fucking focus stuff.

It really annoys me to no end when things like this are requested, but it's ok to have buttons, checkboxes, etc without fucking :focus and :active styles. Just :hover is not enough ffs.

And "links" that work with "onclick". Damn how I want to kill anyone that does that.

Sometimes my boss wants me to fire a bullet without a gun, they want me to throw the bullet so hard that it feels like it was shot via a gun.

Maintaining a legacy app sucks so bad when you don't even have the full codebase and some douche bag decided to just randomly throw the codebase on the fucking SVN. 😠

"We're promoting you to be a Team Leader, since you proved your skills to handle tough tasks and bring good solutions, and we're raising your salary by 25%."

That sounded good for me, until I realized that all they need is an interface between them (the boss) and other employees to force their style and monitor every fucking thing that could be different from a dev to another. But since the boss is a sEnIoR with mOrE tHaN 10 years of experience but he does not have any clue about good practices and how to make a code that does not push you to be humiliated by the client, he still thinks that he's the fucking programming God.

That's a shit

Wtf man, you are using fucking Ubuntu for 5 months and I really have to tell you how to edit fucking /etc/hosts? Fuck you... I should be the fucking boss...

porra; caralho; toma no cu.

this fucking shit xamarin. I wish the ass who programed the xamarin vs2017 integration to go fuck off.

srsly, I just want to fucking code this fucking fucker VS2017 keep shitting all around me

first I was gonna install it. didn't install because no memory left. fair enough, my fault there.

cleaned 35 gbs.

finish installing VS, with xamarin. FIRST GOD DAMN TIME I create fucking project, 2 fucking errors and 3 warnings. I DIDN'T EVEN TYPE A COMMA.

ok, tried fucking it. it seems to be conflict between version of Android and xamarin forms. fucker you it shouldn't be like this. anyway.

tried downloading the updated Android version.

it failed at 80%! what error you ask? missing fucking space ok, fuck that thing is huge, ok, my fault again. uninstalled all programs I was not using, all projects I'm not current working on. more fucking 30GB free. tried again. ANDROID IS TOO FUVKING HUGE CAN'T INSTALL IN 30GB!!!

Ok. instead of updating android, gonna downgrade xamarin, can't downgrade. ok gonna remove and install an early version.

unistalled. CAN'T FIND XAMARIN DLLS.

I was like, fuck this project, gonna start a new one. ok, all seems fine, for some weird reason. Except no. I try adding a new page, ops, APPARENTLY VS2017 CAN'T LOAD A GODDAMN .XAML

Ok, I can create a .cs page. done, except now I get a fucking timeout error. fuck.

I search the internet for a workaround, see a guy saying I could manually add a .xaml + .cs by creating this files and then adding them to the proj file.

did it. I go again, everything seems fine. but now I can't freaking reference the damn page.

I'm fucking losing my mind here.

In the mean time I have to turn in this project at the end of the week AND I CAN'T FUCKING OPEN THE GOD DAMN FREKING PROJECT PROPERLY!

FUCK. MY. LIFE.
FUCK XAMARIM AS WELL
FUCK VISUAL STUDIO
FUCK MICROSOFT
FUCK THAT DAMN SSD
FUCK THAT BOSS WHO THINK THAT A 128GB SSD IS ENOUGH
FUCK IT ALL...

I was tricky this time and sent a separate email for the client and my boss about the new release.

Client response: "Its very good, runs flawlessly, could you check x if you have the time? It gives errors simetimes"

Boss response: "[...] urgent fix get working on it right now [...]"

Seems like my boss has been the fucking piece of shit all this time :)

My new coworker: That "I know everything about all and I'm better than you" kind. Is working on Accounting but already has her fingers on my work, telling my boss things like "that's easy to do"...
Of course, she knows absolutely nothing about programming and I.T., but is easy for my boss to believe an easy lie than a complex truth.
(sorry, crude language and caps follows)
Hey, listen you fucking excuse of person, DO YOUR FUCKING JOB and stay away of my DAMN GOOD FUCKING CODE and my FUCKING SERVERS.
Not going to give you admin access in a gazillion years, even if my life depends on it.
And stop saying nonsenses about things that you WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND, because those things are too complex and abstract for your little stupid mind to understand.
Go ahead, mess with me! Will sue you to the end of your FUCKING world!

Thanks girls/guys/lasses/lads.
This is absolutely therapeutical.

My boss is such a fucking pussy when it comes to stand up for anything that, even being a calm person, sometimes I just want to bitch slap that mother fucker, get him by the neck and say:
GROW SOME FUCKING BALLS FOR FUCKS SAKES!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!

I work in a bitcoin startup , my fucking boss really wants everyone to use ubuntu because of security and all , the bad thing is i am the only guy who knows how to install and deal with it , so when any one joins or has some problem he always bugs me and the thing is i am an android developer not a sys admin and now he fucking want to get 2 factor in ubuntu desktops when they log in

Learning cryptography, Dont fucking know why , guess my boss said so

After exhaustive talking to my boss, who always expresses the same concerns, we always end up agreeing that we need to separate development across our coworkers competences ...
We are even gonna hire a full front-end developer this time (as we did with the last 3 hires)..

And what did he do you may ask...
Put our front ender in charge of:
- Build a api in python
- Build the front-end
- 2 months deadline

The front ender is smart and is constantly asking me stuff and learning a lot.

But wtf boss? I could do it in no time...
I literally spent this whole week doing nothing, waiting for some approvals...

He is making everyone unmotivated as fuck ...

I'm starting to wonder pretty fucking every time if he is genuinely retarded.

My boss:

Doesn't manage the fucking agile board..

Doesn't call for meetings when we need...

Decides randomly for sprints duration.

Decides to do whatever he feels better with an obvious lack of thought.

Decides what to do based on assumptions instead of FUCKING ASKING THE FUCKING CLIENT!

Oh you stupid piece of shit how many time do we have to go over me explaining you how planning works and you pretending to agree?

Rewrite of the sync api to REST.

Coworker: “hey, I know you’ve written and maintained our sync module for the past 4 years. Something I need to know? Some hints or knowledge you can share?”
Me: only thing you should not do is x and y. Otherwise you will face problems a and b.”
Coworker: “great, thanks a lot!”

2 months later...

Customer call: “da fuck are you doing? When I do stupid stuff then I face problem z and problem a!!!”

*me checking new code*

*me calling coworker*

Me: “WTF did you do? You asked for my advice and then did exactly what I told you NOT to do.”

Coworker: “oh, let me check the code..”

*coworker calls boss*

Coworker: “Boss, I can’t work with this guy, he starts fights all the time..”

*boss comes to my desk*

Boss: “I don’t want you to work on this anymore, people are complaining.”

Me: “what the fuck, I just asked him a question..”

~ 1 month later

coworker quits because he can’t handle all the bugs he caused and I have to maintain this piece of fucking retard code..

So lets start here, as i have been preparing myself for a while for that rant. I have been putting it off for a while, but today I had enough.
Fuck react-native and fuck facebook react-native team. Bunch of lazy incompetent twats.
The all amazing framework that suppose to be speed up your development process, since you don't have to compile your code after each change. SO FUCKING WHAT if the god damned framework is so fucking buggy and so fucking shit that you constantly have to fix build, dependancies etc issues. Every day since I work on this project that is using react-native I have to deal with some of the react fucked up behaviour. You got an issue ? don't worry google it just to find out that 100 other people had the same issue. Scroll through down the bottom of the page just to find out that facebook devs have closed the issue as resolved (without fucking fixing it) because there wasnt recent replies to the post. Are you fucking kidding me? It's ok thou, create a new issue just to get an automatic reply from the bot that locks the thread and keeps it locked till you update your React-native version to the newest one. You do that and guess fucking what? Their newest version fucks up remote debugging on iOS(fucking android been broke for over a year) so say good bye to debugging your js code. Documentation is fucking trash. You found a nice function like autoCaptialise on your text input? Great! Ah wait, its not fucking working, what is wrong? You google this just to fucking found out it, function never worked on android, so why the fuck you still have it exposed and still have it in your docs? You want to add package? So fucking ez, just type npm install <name of the package>. Ha! fuck you, you still have to go and add them fucking manually in gradle in android and in pod in xcode, because obviously react-native is a one big fucking bullshit. Oh and a scroll view is a fucking glorious highlight of that framework, try add some styling to it, you gonna have loads of fun. Fuck react-native. And fuck the fucking idiot who convinced my boss that framework is so fucking great and now I have to work on this shit. Sincerely Xamarin Developer.

Please... Don't be shy to tell at your boss that her ideas is fucking shit and will piss like 95% of the user base !!!

In videogame, application, website, UX, UI or any fucking place

FUCKING FUCK ANGULAR!!!!
LIKE FUCK IT IN THE ARSE AND BURN THE MOTHERFUCKER WHILE LAUNCHING A MISSILE ON IT TO BE SURE!

(ﾉ≧∇≦)ﾉ ﾐ ┸━┸

So I am making something on angular and I got everything running in ng serve(development environment) , after handling all issues and showing it to my boss man he approves and asked to put it up on prod for a demo , doesn’t sound like an issue , I make the prod build on cli and BAM! 16 errors ? No issues right?, I’ll just google the issue. Googles.... there aren’t no clear solutions to it as the angular version keeps changing and nobody knows what broke it, I mean people have the issue,but like 100 reasons that can cause it,
HOLY LORD RELEASE A NEWER VERSION AFTER MENDING THE OLD ONE
But nooooooo!

Angular Dev:We fucked this one, lol what should we do boss man?
Angular boss man: lol just leave it, we need to build the new version with newer bugs,

P.S. I like angular, but it’s like a underdeveloped framework, too many issues and too many changes

ever had the experience that people want you to do UI development or think you can only do / you love UI development, just because they like your UI?

my former boss (dev) thought i had spent most of my development time for my in-house web app (student project) for the UI and didn't see the work i had put in the business logic behind (which was more). also, he wanted me to completely switch to 100% UI development after my studies. when he asked me what kind of work i could imagine in the future, i said different things, but also that i somehow hate UI development. XD if i have to do it sometimes, fine, no problem, but doing only UI sounds fucking boring to me.
however, then i got another boss and worked on new topics which i like and which are rather far away from UI development.

one day my former boss asked me how i was doing with the new topics, and i told him about the cool stuff i did. he was somewhat surprised and told me, he didn't know that i was also enthusiastic about those topics, and he had always thought that i was most interested in UI development.

...did you actually hear anything i said? xD
also, just because i can, doesn't mean i want to. 🤷‍♀️

I fucking love my job. The boss just bought all the devs, QA and support guys brand new sit/stand desks and gaming chairs. Those chairs are so damn comfy! :)

My last boss, one of a kind:

Despite being an officer and me just a lowly enlisted, always closed the door and asked for my honest and unfiltered opinion on why whatever we're doing is a stupid fucking idea. Understood that when I call everyone idiots, it's not out of spite or disrespect. It's because they have no clue what they are doing and making nonsensical requests, and I just want to get us back on track.

A good boss doesn't say things like "I'm in charge so this is how we do it" or "I'm an officer so you can't criticize me because that's disrespect!" But instead listens to the ideas and thoughts of those that nobody else takes seriously.

When you emphatically explain the code you've been working on non-stop for the past week, only to have the boss hit you with that "but what's the point?"

And your heart fucking breaks