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Search - "like a boss"
My company is like:
Boss: How long do you estimate to make a universe?
God: 14 billion years.
Boss: You have 7 days. Please reserve 1 for Q&A.8
Big event. Massive traffic in production, so we were monitoring all night.
I was in a room with 2 devs of my team, a marketting girl, my boss and a designer... chilling.
Suddenly the production is down.
Boss: production is down, anyone can check?
Me: already on it
Dev1: it looks ok for me
Dev2: me too
Me: wait what? Impossible everything is down
Dev1: oh I refreshed the page it's not working
Me: don't stay on the page refreshing it like you are fucking monkeys. Give me useful intel or be quiet.
Market girl: is it working?
Guys is it working?
Me: Not yet we are looking. Don't distract me.
Boss: client called us. They want it online now.
Dev1&2: he's looking
... 1 min later...
Boss: is it working?
Boss: is it working?
Boss: is it working?
Me: SHUT THE FUCK FOR FUCKING ONE SECOND. ALL OF YOU, OUT NOW. YOU ARE FUCKING MONKEYS WHO CAN'T DO SHIT. IF YOU CAN'T HELP JUST SHUT YOUR DAMN SHITHOLE. DEVS, LOOK WITH ME. MARKET GIRL PREPARE A FUCKING POST-MORTEM MAIL. BOSS GET THE CLIENT ON THE PHONE AND STALE. DO. YOUR. FUCKING. JOBS.
That's how I ended up screaming at everyone... the rest of the night went in complete silence and I fixed the issue 2min after the got quiet or busy.25
Boss: "I don't want to comply with the GDPR"
Me, DPO: "I've told you the house rules. You must comply, stop arguing"
Boss: "But I don't want it. Bobby doesn't have to, and Eve doesn't have to, their moms are cool"
Me: "I don't give a crap about the other kids, you're going to be GDPR compliant. Bob and Eve will end up being raped in prison. It's that what you want?"
Boss: "What if I just pretend to do it."
Me: "I'll take away all your marketing toys. No more mailchimp for you young man."
Boss, crying: "You wouldn't touch my Facebook pixel!"
Me: "Especially your Facebook pixel. I'm so sick of that thing...."
Me: "...Look, you can still play with your toys, all I'm saying is you need to be honest and ask your buddies for consent before you put your pixels up their various holes"
Boss: "But they will never agree!"
Me: "Maybe that is good thing"
Boss: "But how will we get people to like us if I can't feed them pills and insert probes into their holes to measure their responses?"
Me: "Maybe you should focus on being a nice kid, someone people like to play with. Your buddies will tell other kids that you're a nice guy. Now, I'm not going to lie to you, it will be hard work. Much more effort than what you're doing now. But you know, those friends will stick with you for decades, instead of just until the marketing-drugs wear off"
Boss: "I think I want a new mom"
Me: "You signed a contract. You're stuck with me for the next 2 years. And as long as you're living under my roof, you will follow my rules."16
*Me Coding with a laptop and desktop when friends enter *
Friends : u r a coder right? Hack something in front of me.
Me : *sick of explaining ppl*
*SSHs into lap from desktop and shuts it down*
See. I hacked my lap
Friends : whoa! Cool man9
Boss walked towards his office asking a coworker to do something.
Coworker replied that he'd like to but only the boss has the login codes or something like that.
Boss: ah right *walks to coworkers table* let me enter that stuff *starts typing*
Coworker: Maybe I'm running a keylogger 😏
Me: *exchanging funny eye contact with coworker* yeah maybe he is.... 😏
Boss: *looking back and forth at both our faces suspiciously*
*three of us laughing*
Learnt Murphy's law the hard way,
Don't use your office laptop to create a personal auto porn downloading project specially when your boss suddenly wants to use your laptop to do a product demo to client.
Now looking for a new job, let me know if anyone need a smart developer who loves solving problems like the one mentioned above.26
So apparently my boss knows the "new senior dev", which I will call 'B'.
Program which I worked on for a year, my baby, is doing fine. Suddenly B decides to update it to "standardize it", against my suggestions/protests. Fastfoward to the following morning, I get to work and there's a bunch of emails from B waiting for me. I'm like "Well there's a meeting in an hour, so no point in answering all of these". 30 minutes go by and then boss shows up in my team's area. Asking for me.
(I didn't know this at the time, but apparently boss knows B. And thinks that B is this amazing programmer and super nice.)
According to boss, B has been trying to contact me all morning about my program failing.
It is at this moment that my mentor stands up to defend me. She basically tells our boss that B is a piece of shit. And I'm just loving it, ++ to mentor for bring awesome.13
Boss: "it's not the same font"
Me: "yes, it is"
Boss: "don't argue with me. It's a different font"
Me: "ok it's a different font" (it's not)
Boss: "change it please"
15 minutes later and I've done nothing at all to it. Boss comes back.
Boss: "see? I knew it was a different font. This looks perfect now. Why were you lying to me before? I don't like you arguing with me"12
Me, trying to create a LaTeX document: *googles "latex string comparison"*
Customer and boss walk in.
Google: *shows NSFW results*
I.. Let...- Let me explain, it's not what it looks like!14
Boss: "Could you join the new DevOps team for a week or two, for some coaching?"
Me: "I'd rather watch you masturbate furiously in a corner of the office while you cry over your ex boyfriend"
Boss: "Yeah... that's why I ask you. You are the only one brave enough to watch"
Me: *Sigh* "But I don't know shit about what DevOps does, I'm a DBA. I've told you the difference a million times. Can't we just douse it in gasoline and set it on fire?"
Me: "Not the team, the servers..."
Boss, imitating Gimli: "And my ex!"
Me: "I get why he left you"
Boss: "It's funny, he was actually better with computers than me, maybe even better than you. He hated me for starting this company, told me I was just chasing money instead of ideals. He just isn't grown up enough to see that there is more to the world than computer games, brewing beer, maker festivals and gay bars, that you need to take responsibility... Maybe it just never works out between managers and geeks..."
Me: "Indeed. The difference in competence is too large"
Boss: "Ugh. You are like straight version of him... but will you at least take a look?"
Me: "Fine, unzip your pants..."
Boss: "No, not that... you need to teach DevOps this docking thing, with the parallel stuff, and the horizontal growth"
Me: "Damn I really hope we're talking about servers now... Do you mean Docker?"
Boss: "That's it. They want to learn how to dock on the Windows servers. They reserved two 4xlarge on AWS. Is that enough for docking?"
Me: "You know what. I'm going back to hug my DB designs, and wash my brain with some queries. Then I'll return here to burn everything to the ground. There is no hope for you left"
Boss: "That's what he said"
Me: "You're using that meme wrong"
Boss: "OK. So what if you just stay on DB management, and I'll just give you the budget to recruit a new DevOps lead and pay for training?"
Me: "That would work"
Boss: "Why are you grinning?"
Me: "Because I have your ex's phone number"19
My boss typed up a GitLab ticket that looked like it took at least an hour to make. Screenshots, diagrams, how to reproduce the bug, dreams, hopes, desires, dinner recipes, marriage advice, how to diversify a portfolio. Honestly, the whole 9 yards.
The bug fix was changing a SQL Inner Join to a Left Join. 10 seconds.14
That moment when your coworker puts on loud music, you're wondering if your boss is going to like this and then your boss turns his music twice as loud and the two start a battle of who can play their music the loudest.
Yup it was friday again!14
We are required to say “leaving for the day” when we leave office. (On slack)
One developer decided to quit and just said “leaving “ and we realised the next day what he meant when he did not show up 😂😂😂7
Boss called ! Said no need to come in today because it's friday and I worked hard this week... feeling like a boss. 💪4
Why do people always feel a need to complain about something on the first showing? There were some menus with a fade on it,
boss:"the fade is too fast, I want it about 10% slower"
Me:"it's exactly the duration you wanted it to be"
Boss:"just do it, I'll be back in 10 and expect you to have done it by then"
*Proceeds to work on what I was working on for 10minutes*
Boss:"alright, that looks better already, can you also make the margins on it a bit bigger?"
Me:"yeah sure thing, I'll call you in a bit"
*Proceeds to work on other things until I feel like calling him*
Boss:"perfect! I knew you could do it!"
Me : I'm having a pretty bad headache.
Boss : Stop acting like a girl and get back to work.
Me: It's a migraine headache.
Boss: Ohh!! You know it's just in your head stop being a pussy. Don't think about the headache, and you won't feel any pain.
Me(in my head) : You fucking idiot you are partially correct it's in my head. But the pain won't stop if I stop thinking about it.
*Why the fuck does no one understand a neurological disease. If i'm not physically hurt, it doesn't mean i'm not in pain*
Fucking ignorant bastards.18
I made a Trello board and listed some tasks for me and my team.
My boss comes in, I show him the trello board to show how I organized our tasks.
He liked it, so I asked him if we can use it more frequently.
He replied: this is your code, do whatever you want.
I asked: my code?
He replied: yah didn't just build this webpage? This interactive task manager.
Me in shock: hold on you think I built trello?
Boss: oh ... You didn't ? It looks like something you'd do for your "front end masterbaution".
Me: oh wow, well... If that was the case I would've made $425 million on top of my salary.
Boss: looked at me like meh ~ and walked away...7
At work today.
Collegue: hey, if you continue like this, you'll be just like me in a year or so!
Me: as, so completely fucked up?
Boss: hahaha rekt!
C: okay gotta give you that one 🤣
Love those random moments :)4
Ex-Boss (62years old)- why do you wear a watch? Take it off.
Me (bewildered) - why? What happened?
Him - see I don't wear a watch also.
Come on, take it off.
Me - *took off my watch* now what?
Him - see. Now you can also look at the time using your mobile, like me. No need of watch. U should be modern.
Me- *WTF. Are u high or something, u fucking insane asshole? *
He was one weird piece of shit.28
Boss: Who knows VB?
Me: I once wrote a calculator
Boss: Good enough! You will edit the companies biggest VB Application.
Lesson learned. When your Boss asks if you know a programming language you do not really know, you are like John Snow: Know nothing7
So my boss sent me a msg at 00:05 to update production.
And here I was at 7:30am reading it with a poker face thinking "no dude, my working hours are not like that, lol. Get a life."5
Boss: Google Excel sucks!
Me: You mean Google Sheets.
Boss: Whatever, there used to be formulas for the cells, just like offline Excel, but now it has some weird text like a web address...
Me: You're looking at the web address bar. Look down 20px and you have the cell formula.
Boss: Oh! Still, I don't like this Online Excel!11
1) Stop going to univershity
2) Started python coding at home from online courses.
3) Got the best paid job among batchmates.14
My boss isn't really a developer. He isn't part of the development team and doesn't know any technical details about the product. He doesn't want to code, "too much effort", he just wants to boss. But he wrote some php in the early 2000's and is really, really proud of his codecademy html/css badge...
And that makes him dangerous.
Today I hear him talk from behind his laptop: "Right, we have this page for creating management groups, but we can't edit them yet. I can fix that!"
This task is literally on the current sprint, but he doesn't know that because he doesn't attend scrum meetings and ignores everything people say to him.
Me: This smells like probable cause, let's look with suspicion over his shoulder.
"OK, right-click create.blade.php -> copy.
then right-click directory -> paste.
now just rename file to edit.blade.php!"
I start walking to the office kitchen.
Boss mumbling in the background:
"Now all I need to do is just copy the whole method in the controller, change the post url in the form, and modify the <h4> at the top, so it says edit instead of create."
Boss, looking at me now:
"This is so easy... creating and editing is almost the same thing, you can just copy paste all the code from one template to the other! I don't understand what you developers are always complaining about!"
Me: *Hands him a roll of paper towels*
Boss: "What is that for?"
Me: *points at code*6
My boss said something genius today: "understanding client's wishes is like writing a regexp for everything they say"😂5
So was first day at new job ... Boss takes me around meeting everyone. One employee stuck editing file by typing in new records data, calls boss for help.
Boss to me: "I like to get handsy with data from time to time. "
*me smiling, watch how he copies and paste the new records*
ME to boss:"why don't you just write the script to update all the records?"
Boss:"I don't trust the automation of input. "
Me:" what about human error?"
*crowd of other employees gather around awaiting answer*
Boss:"we include margin of errors in our disclaimer to the client... "
*He hears himself*
Boss:"... and we bill by the hour why would we work faster for less money?"
*me grinning, going to remember that line next time I need extension of deadline*
Me*murmurs*:" Master has presented dobby with a sock"
*Girl in next cubicle snickers clearly caught the reference "
Going to love it here.3
My first boss. He sat next to me yelling “Think before you code“, “Hands away from the keyboard“ and stuff like that at me while doing my first few codings ever. He even made me cry from the pressure. Afterwards he bought me a muffin and told me he wants me to be a better programmer than he ever was14
My boss literally spends half an hour finger-fucking his phone on the mobile site to find "bugs", that I can't replicate. A combination like: swipe, pinch, landscape, portrait, back pinch, open new tab, close tab, ash cigarette on phone, dunk in toilet, dry, double tap... Aha I've found a bug, there's 0.5 pixel line of space between the bag header and the browser bar.14
!rant but a story
This happened today. Sorry for long post. A manager from another team in development team, I'll call him junkfellow, called me very very late last night to help them solve an issue in our application's test environment that blocking them from doing testing. They apparently doing integration testing with our application. Now said test environment is not even prepared by our team. We are development team and this test environment prepared by our application's support team. So I politely told junkfellow to get in touch with our support team counterpart as I am from development team. And he began shout at me
junkfellow: "WHY DO YOU THINK I'M FUCKING CALL YOU? IT'S BECAUSE I CAN'T FUCKING REACH ANYONE FROM SUPPORT!"
me: "With due respects sir I have no instructions to assist you and your team in your testing"
junkfellow: "THEN WHAT GOOD ARE YOU? IF YOU DON"T GET ONLINE NOW I WILL FUCKING ESCALATE YOU TO CW!!!"
We all know who CW is and he can make some people life very hard and I didn't want to call my boss so late so I quickly went online and spent the next 4hrs supporting their testing. Next morning I told my boss what happened and he scolded me for not calling him last night. He dropped an email to junkfellow's boss about junkfellow being "unacceptable attitude, disrespectful and threatening to escalate my team mates". My boss always refer to us as team mates, not his staff or his team member.
Then in few minutes, someone walking like a school bully with his chest out came to my boss place and announced himself (he is junkfellow). I say announce because he talking like he wanted everyone to know who is he. My boss stood up promptly, greeted good morning, introduce himself, shook junkfellow hand and sat down. Still young, maybe in late 20's or even younger than me. junkfellow talking to my boss loud enough for most of us to hear. Everyone's neck suddenly long like meerkat and listening:
junkfellow looking down to my boss who is sitting down: "How dare you send email like that to my boss? We are both managers you should act like one, you have a problem with me then you talk to me. You don't bypass me and go directly to my boss. You didn't even give me face!"
my boss sitting down: "So you didn't even ask your boss before picking a fight."
*junkfellow suddenly look confused*
my boss still sitting down talking calm with poker face: "I did give you face. You think by going to your boss I bypassed you and went one level up? No I went one level down!"
junkfellow still look confused and then slowly realized what my boss meant. Now he is staring at floor and can't look my boss in eye after he realized he is screwed!
my boss now standing up: "You treat my team mates like that againi or ask them to do something without my knowledge and I will talk to your boss' boss about it"
boss to me: "Hey tollywood! junkfellow here sincerely regrets what he did last night and wants to apologize to you in person" and boss' poker face turned to his familiar smirk
junkfellow immediately came to me, said "it's ok you no need to stand up", he sat down in a squat and apologized repeatedly. He really looked like he was about to cry and for a moment I pity him. But then I remember what he did and I just enjoyed the moment! Was pure gold :D :D :D13
Somehow, my boss got his son, 19, working in a team of developers last week.
Son: i got ton of money and i dont need to do this. i inherit lot of properties from my dad.(trying to sound funny, superior, and boasting of his inheritance knowledge he might have learned in school during java class probably.)
A guy in the team: No you dont. You are like us.😎😎😎
Son: minds his own business now.
Damn that line made my day.
++ for this dude for insulting morons like this at work.
I may have to remove it on boss request if he see it. But for now hit as many ++ to show that idiot no body likes people like him.8
Every goddamn time.
Boss: Hey, how is the project going?
Me: promising. We have some basic functions working, but at this point it is more like a proof of concept.
Boss: Ah ok, I see.
Couple of days later...
Boss: I talked to a client who was very interested in the stuff you are just building. Made a really good deal! We need to be live by the end of the week.
Step 1: Turn off any intellisense and debug tools.
Step 2: Code all day without running the code.
Step 3: Push everything to the build server and avoid looking at the result.
Step 4: Go home.
LIKE A BOSS!7
C : Hi, I will send you the minor fixes with new images soon. Can you update for me?
Me : Yes sure.
C : We would also like to launch the website tomorrow.
Me : Oh cool. Then I'll connect it to the live domain after the updates.
C : My boss also likes to press a button and launch the website....
Me : ... umm ...18
Wake up at 7am
Start work at 7:30 am
Set status to "working from home"
Dive deep into code
Boss calls at 10:30am...
Codebrain makes me sound a bit absent: "Uhhh... sup?"
Boss: "Oh sorry, did I wake you up? Would like to discuss the application of the new intern with you, but I can call back after lunch if you want..."
I usually don't work for indian clients. But when I do, they make sure I don't get paid.
Some highlights from my last project,
Client: Do you know ERPnext?
Me: No, but I am good at python.
Client: My boss wants me to find a guy who can create barcode generator for erpnext.
Me: I can use pyBarcode to do it.
This is exciting I thought. I get to learn a new framework. Start working on it. Not an hour passes by,
Client: hey can you remove this menu item?
Me: Which one?
Client: Also can you add the dashboard icons to left sidebar? Like Odoo? Do you know it? It is also python based.
Me: Then why don't you just use Odoo instead?
Client: My boss wants it. He doesn't understand computers. He is pissing mr off.
Me: Then how come he suggested erpnext?
Client: His friend told him.
For the next 3 days he has me working on these UI tweaks, never mentions barcode again.
But I finish the barcode stuff. Tripple check everything to make sure they work. Tell him to check so I can get paid. Guy asks his boss to check.
Boss > Client: It doesn't work
Me: What doesn't work?
Boss > Client: Everything!
Client: I actually tested everything and they work. My boss doesn't know how to use it. He is very old.
Makes me make more changes and finally when I ask for the work done so far,
Client: Boss didn't come to office today. I'll get you paid. Please try to understand my situation.
Me thinking, "mofo your boss didn't hire me,l. You did". But I keep calm and tell him I won't work until I get paid 50%.
3 days passed. No reply. Set his skype status to "Away" forever.
*spidey sense tells me I'm not getting paid, again*
U am beyond pissed and burnt out. I fucking wish there was a mafia I can request to collect my fucking money from them.20
When your boss asks for a web application that has drag and drop, resize, popup, fade inand out, dynamic styling and mobile compatibility but must work on IE8
You feel like:
Mission: Go to the moon
Tools: Broom's stick
Yeah i'll just pretend to be a witch and fly away7
Context: I work in a cyber security company which develop cyber security solutions.
I started testing the API of the dashboard we have. Within 15 minutes, after poking around with burp suite, found SQL injection in post data that leads to the whole DB dumping in sqlmap.
Told the boss and the API developer. Boss said, "it's ok to have bugs/holes in trial box". But this is on a machine that is gonna be sent to client for trial in a few days. I even compiled a report and how to fix it, which is like 2 lines of "if else" statement by the way. Told the API developer how to fix, he didn't care. 'I work on functionality first'. Doesn't look like he gonna fix.
A damn cyber security company, developing cyber security solution, do the "don't" in web security 101, which is dumping POST data directly into the SQL query, which requires only 5 minutes to fix. 🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️15
I'm supposed to take a work-related online course which you pay for monthly. My boss asked me to start it now, but I'm going on vacation in 2 weeks, so I told him it's a pity to pay for a month when I'm only available for 2 weeks.
He was like, but can't you continue the course-work on your vacation?8
New boss rant here!
Boss: Can you give me an estimate for a new project that we willbe running?
Dev: Oh yes I have already calculated at approximately three months.
Boss: Thats great start on it!
3 months laters....
Boss: Why did it take so much? I feel like our productivity sucks.
My lead developer left on vacation for a week. Without notice to my boss and/or myself.
Well to be fair we did have the minimum which is a 2 day notice....
So what did we do? Well the boss and I acted like absolute adults and did what any other adult would do.
Me sticky noted the fuck out of his desk and screens.
4 screens full of sticky notes.
Phone is full of sticky notes too. And geez man....everything is sticky notes....so...many....sitcky...notes12
My boss just got a call from a client because he needed to install an outlook plugin for them.
In the call he needed to explain them how to install teamviewer like
Boss: just install the teamviewer software on your computer
Client: the what?
B: teamviewer. its a software giving me access to your computer to install the software
C. ok and how will i do that?
B: go to their website, download and install it
At this point he needed to explain them EVERY FUCKING 'next' button
in between they needed to switch to skype with a video call and my boss explained them 3 times to click the green phone to accept the call.
at ome point when there was a delay while installing the client really asked my boss (a senior web dev) to fix their printer.. I looked at him with a huge grin and never saw him with such a fucked up face.
At the end he ended the call telling them he has a meeting now and they need to call back later (then they will get a real support call they have to pay for)
btw the "meeting" is going to McDonalds for lunch
I really had to control myself to not laugh out loud while this call4
A fanfic based on devRant-chan. The character was created by @caramelCase and a drawing by @ichijou.
This is freestyle. I'll think of an image of a scene and go with the flow. I won't remove my fingers from the keyboard and I won't edit or change anything. That's how I come up with my best ideas.
B/N = Boss' name (I was too lazy to think of one.)
Anything in between astericks is in italics.
Ex.) *this is in italics.*
It was an early January morning when devRant-chan was situated in her desk, typing away on her laptop. She was working on a Python script for her barbaric client when she could've been out with friends. Oddly enough, her Sunday was surged with tranquility.
Normally, Sunday is when her irksome boss barks orders at her on the phone.
"This is wrong!"
"What is this?"
devRant-chan resented her boss but loved her job. After all, "you can't force yourself to like everyone," was something her elder brother would tell her.
She released a slight chuckle, the one she would only display at the thought of her brother.
Her musings were interrupted when a concerning thought crawled into her mind like an undesirable intruder.
Why hasn't her boss called to complain yet? It's not that she enjoyed his complaining, which she didn't. She simply found it odd, since he's done this every Sunday morning, since she was a junior developer.
Unless he found someone else to complain to? In that case, good riddance!
But still, it wasn't a euphoric feeling to be replaced. She was already accustomed to his Sunday morning calls that it feels almost lonely not to receive them.
She should call him... Just in case some situation—or—problem—has emerged.
She dialed his number, waiting patiently for a reply.
"Hello," said her boss.
"Ah, hello," said devRant-chan. "I called, wondering—"
"You've reached the voicemail of B/N, please leave a message after the beep."
"Damn..." mumbled devRant-chan with a sharp exhale. "I always fall for that."
Why didn't her boss answer the phone? It was odd of him, considering he's always answered her calls.
She was about to dial her coworker when she received an email, which stimulated her attention. The subject of the email read:
*Important. Please read.*
She opened the email. It was her boss. The email read:
*In case you aren't aware, I had quit my job, due to the stress. I've left the manager in charge. Starting tomorrow, he will be your new boss.*
Before she could rejoice in excitement, she detected a strange change of voice, emitting from the email. Did her boss really write this?
That's when she spotted something. The word "tomorrow."
Her boss didn't write this.
He would never use words such as "tomorrow," or "today." He would use time instead. If this was her boss, he would say "in 24 hours."
She checked the IP of the email. Oddly enough, it was her boss' IP.
Still, the pieces didn't fit the puzzle. Her boss didn't complain, answer her call, or use his style of speaking in the email.
Something happened to him and she knows it. Whatever it is, has something to do with the manager, and she was determined to figure it out.
This was just a quick random fanfic, and I'm not sure if I'll continue it. As I said, I didn't plan anything, since it's freestyle. I might or might not continue it, so I'll think it over.9
* Boss gives you a shitty work that doesn't follow standards
* you tell him that this is wrong, and there will be consequences on time and performance on the future.
*you do the work like he says
*after a while he asks for modifications
*takes too long because of structure problems, and non compatibility
*you get blamed
*you hate your job, your boss and your life.7
I like it when a boss is a Dev (or a former Dev). Makes them a bit more sympathetic towards us i think :)2
I had a dream that I was working in an office, writing Python scripts.
Then they changed my role as a frontend web developer. I wasn't happy, but I dealt with it. My coworkers were playing games instead of working and the boss yelled at me for slacking off even though wasn't.
I had enough so I told my coworkers to stop slacking off, but they were about to beat me up and the boss held a gun and that's when I woke up.
Thank goodness I'm too young for a job like that.4
Boss: ehi I was checking out our latest product (made in vuejs) it's blazing fast and responsive.
Me : shiny eyes "... Can I refactor our biggest project from angular 1.5 to vuejs?"
Boss: "mmh what can you save from the old code base? "
Me: "mmh.. A lot.. Mmh like.. The CSS!"
Boss : "no"
My boss just told me that my next task will be to create a website like amazon... It took me quite a long time to explain why something like that needs a big team and a good amount of money.7
This moment you realise your GUI fake just went to a paying customer. Boss decided it looked like it is working and ordered release without asking ...3
Our working hours are from 9 to 6 which is the standard in Malaysia (I'm not malaysian )
Yesterday I came in around 10AM and my boss took me to his room as soon as I arrived.
Boss: If you were in school and you come late what do you expect to happen ?
Me: get punished, I'll compensate by working an extra hour today.
Boss: well our clients aren't available at your extra hour and I'm struggelling with a big client you're supposed to ship the rest of his site and golive today and he's freaking out
Me: yh well his site is done it just needs final QA before going live.
Boss: oh its done already?, cool cool. Anyway you shouldn't be late you're not Malaysian and being late doesn't run in your genes like them.
*ops manager (Malaysian) walks in*
*ops manager looks him in the eye*
*boss looks at the ground*
* me giggling while walking to my desk*2
My boss says "cocker" once (referring to docker) a teammate and I make a meme of that, allways we have to talk about docker we say "dicker" or when we have to talk about git we say "dick" like "dick commit, dick pull, dick push".12
A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.
Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter ‘penis.’
Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer’s response:
PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!1
A bug in production, so I was debugging and the boss says to me "how do you stay so calm?" and I answer "just like a surgeon does't have to freak out with blood, a developer doesn't have to freak out with bugs"3
Working at best buy (don't remember if I was geek squad yet or not).
"hi sir, that line hasn't moved in a while, I was headed up to help, but let me ring you up here so you can get on with your day."
...random talking leads to graduation and what's next...
"my friend works at *company* and seems to really like it. I gave him my resume when he asked, but i guess is boss can't hire anymore people or something, so I'm applying other places. It's been about a year."
"oh. Hi. I'm boss. Send resume again"6
I'M NOT HELPDESK. I CAN'T FIX YOUR BROWSER OPTIONS. I LOVE YOU TO FUCKING PIECES BECAUSE YOU STOP THE INCREDIBLY FUCKING STUPID CALLS, BUT I CAN'T HELP YOU and now I feel like a prick. Call your boss and make him do his fucking job. Please. I don't want to scream at you. I need you in my life...14
"Work is intended to earn you money, you don't have to like it to make a living from it" - my first boss9
So boss finds out that a competitors app has a youtube vid making half a million views.
His response to the lead dev: make one video like that!
Lead: But that video needs at least a video editor to make it, a professional and at least a couple thousands euros.
Boss: you are my best dev just do it, I believe in you...
Worst part is that he tried he made a couple hundred views and boss dissed him that he is useless. Go figure!10
Boss: "Can we create apps that are supercool, superfast, supercustomizable and superhitech?"
Me: "If you want apps like these I have to use this tool, this language and this other stuff. Just keep in mind that are new technologies for me and I need to study a lot before develop everything"
Boss: "Ok! can you do it for tomorrow?"
As usual finished the task just an hour before demo meeting. That hour is for transportation. Obviously I didn't test nor rehearse.
As usual, in to 2 mins of demo and greeted by error page.
1) stay the fuck calm
2) this features was already demo-ed and fixed and went fine few weeks ago
3) what the fuck happen now
4) stay the fuck calm, smile.
5) "ah please give me one minute, I forgot to clean up some stuff while working on new features"
6) shit shit. read the error message and log
7) oh I did refactor some files last week. Reorganized the files and folders for better structure and easier understanding. Thought I corrected every occurrences. Obviously I missed few.
8) ssh to the server while screen is still showing on projector
9) dig into the file quick
10) stay the fuck calm
13) sorry all good, so I was saying ....
Well finally it's done for today and going back to office. After all it went ok. 👌6
Came to work and there ware my boss and CEO waiting there next to my place.
"Hey, you remember that you mentioned yesterday that you had a break through and the thing is finally starting to do something? We have few journalist downstairs can we show them a demo in like five minutes?"
"Ok, give me five minutes and don't click here and there otherwise it blows up."
My boss came back from presentation after ten minutes that it doesn't work, after little investigation turns out to be hw issue, replaced hardware went to the conference room and it worked.
Crazy deadlines? No, just another day at work.
Just put my job on the line today and went to my boss's, boss's, boss's boss to raise concerns and protect my team from terrible management. He apologized to me and has scheduled a meeting to talk to the team to let them know they are valued. Sounds like middle management is going to get a talking to. Fingers crossed.12
Before I took on my current position (internal transfer), I stated that for what my boss asked for I would need a small team.
He agreed to that and promised I would get 2-3 developers.
6 months after (with countless reminders) he told me I could train some people at one of our providers.
Turns out those guys were Java developers, even though I asked for C# (since our codebase is .net)
After a few training sessions, where concepts as source control were a big topic ("why not just copy the code to a new folder with _good_ naming?"), I gave them a test assignment.
After reviewing their code I just gave up. They cannot program. They don't understand concepts like scoping of variables. Concepts of separation of responsibility.
I told my boss this but I had to make it work with them.
I went to my bosses boss (Head of IT) with my resignation in hand, since I felt my boss didn't want to support me actually getting a team. After a few talks I was asked to "keep it cool" and wait until he presented his new organization.
Now my boss asked me for which skills new developers should have. To which I could just laugh at him and forward countless mails from the last 6-8 months asking for developers.
<Irony>I love my boss</Irony>6
Boss asked me to make a script to automate some tasks. After some days i found out that my task will replace the job of one of our colleagues.
Now the *script, that looks like a big project, is almost done.
Feel for the guy.13
My current boss' boss. Dude has my back, no questions asked. If I mess up, he backs me up to the customer and then teaches me the right way behind the scenes. Even stands up for me when i'm not around.
He's helped me change my lifestyle, too, connecting me with trainers and coaches who can help develop a workout plan around my one hand. He understands the value of work/life balance, but has no power to change our schedule, so he helps out however he can around that.
He is honestly #bossgoals. I want to be like him when i'm a boss2
Had 4-5 hours of sleep last night because I had to wake up early this morning for an internal demo of the feature I worked on. It was scheduled early morning because the boss was busy.
I come to the office looking like a zombie, practically sleep walking my way to the office, and guess what... The app server is down! Yay.
I had to reschedule it to right in the middle of lunch time because hey... The boss is busy. Now everyone in the team hates me for ruining their lunch.
Now I'm sitting here, staring at my code, remembering the sweet luxury of sleep.2
Conversation with Boss about a new project.
[Me]: We have to program an API and preferably our own backend, so that all the wishes of the customer are covered. In addition, there will also be an app later, as the customer has requested
[Boss]: Why should we program everything from scratch?
[Me]: We do not have to program everything from scratch, we can already use some existing stuff, or even use frameworks etc. But the project is so complex that such a path must be taken.
[Boss]: Hmm, ok.
... some time later ...
boss comes to me.
[Boss]: (shines and is very happy) I have the perfect solution! We simply use Shopware and finish the project as soon as possible.
Are you fucking kidding me? I’ve never worked with Shopware, and the Backend looks like fucking Windows 98. He’s not even a Dev! So how can he judge it that way?
he does that every fucking time!!10
Programming is a lot like playing video games. It challenges you to beat quests/tasks and hunt enemy bugs while providing boss levels in the form of large projects with tight deadlines and project managers who like to move the goal posts.4
That moment when you listen to your boss' lies to a client when presenting a new product/feature.
I am like: damn, this guy is a talented actor!3
today morning my boss talking to the designer.
Boss: hey, when we can see the design finished for the web site asked by the client X?
Designer: hmm, about a day and a half, there are many pages and details.
Boss: heheheh, it's impossible, we need it today at the end of the day.
Me insid: wth, then why you ask him about the time like he have a choice..11
Today I nearly killed my new boss, he picked the really wrong day to accuse me of something I did'nt do and could prove... You wouldn't like me when I'm angry cause I back up my arguments and would willingly quit gladly for a better job.9
I brushed my teeth and went to bed at 10, opened up youtube and just chilled out,
boss calls me up at 11 I'm like, nah fam tomorrow...
Calls again and again and again, calling for the 6 time on 2 numbers!?
(M8 can't u see I'm out)
Then he texts me, bro, it's urgent!
I decide to call him up.
Boss: hey dude
Me: hey (trying to not get triggered)
Me: so what's so urgent?
Boss: OK so 2 things, I will email all of our job applicants on August 28, 2: are you available tomorrow?
Me: ( LITERALLY GOT TRIGGERED AS FUCK, THOUGHT WE HAD A DICK PICTURE ON OUR SITE OR HOSTINGER DECIDED TO BILL 2 TIMES)
ME: 👏Dude, this is so urgent? R u kidding me???? Am I available tomorrow and you will email are job applicants on August 28????
Ffs I swear6
It was around 14:55, I had no energy, and was ready to call it a day, but then I messaged my boss on slack, "Ballmer Peak". He comes back 5 mins later and my desk looked like it this.3
After doing the work he requested as he wanted he was not happy. So i thought we sit and discuss what he didn't like. I was so wrong.
Boss: "...you know what I think you are: a fraud; Masquerading as a developer. The database design you have given is shit. The template I gave you I did in 1 hour. You took half the day."
He gave a simple template to use and he told me to come up with an ecommerce db design via downloading PrestaShop and seeing what is relevant to us.
Me: "what did I do wrong?"
Boss: "you think I don't know what PK means in database design? Why the fuck did you put this here."
Me: "can I expl..."
Boss: "I'm not finished, you been here half the month and what work have you to show for it..."
Me: "I have..."
Boss: "You shut up when I can speaking"
Boss: "You have no work to show for the time you have been here. I tell you what to do. I want someone who is proactive. My friend, you will do the work I tell you to do, you understand?"
Me: "yes but can I just say that I have been doing your work I have the contact the various developers as you..."
Boss: " You shut up when your boss is speaking. Can you do this work? (Slightly long pause)
Me: "I can do it. But, I have done the bits of the work you said I do. I was h..."
Boss "don't give me bullshit stories...you haven't done the work..."
Me: "But you have spoken"
Boss:" You know what Im giving you 1 weeks notice if you are not able to do the work. Can you do it?"
That moment!!! I was literally shaking I could have high fived his face with his laptop.
Me: "yes I can"
Boss: "Then get the fuck out of my sight and do it"8
Every time I have to deal with my boss code and lack of convention and everything that makes a clean code I just want to scream like a bitch and punch him in the face without minding breaking my own hand.11
Was feeling like a boss in new office after fixing a major bug.
Yes, the bug was fixed. Only half of the program doesn't work anymore.1
A few months ago my now boss, then he was my mentor and school teacher asked for my help with a feature, said he had tried for some time and couldnt get around it, I solved it with regex in less than a day, and the company is like the golden standard of my region. The issue itaelf wasnt hard but being able to help my mentor was pretty cool
my boss asked me a few days ago to get a website responsive, i did that in like twenny minutes and today he came to me, looked at the website and give me a pat on the schoulder "good work"
some days are good days2
*starts coding in C/C++*
*M so gonna use raw pointers... Raw pointers ftw!*
*Spends 2 hours to code*
*Spends next 4-6 hrs trying to find why it is crashing/giving segmentation fault*
*Finally finds the solution and feels like winning a boss in Dark souls*
*Totally worth using raw pointers* 😎😎😂😂6
when I finally get my code to work, no matter how small, I get up and walk around feeling like a boss4
Every time I hear my boss say "surely it can't be that hard" or "that's what, like a 5 minute job?"
finished learning a framework/plugin.. *feel like boss* 😎
bam! new version with breaking changes.. *feel like sobbing* 😭7
My boss just brought these to the office some time ago.
We have this new PM who's actually a really cool guy, and earlier we were eating a watermelon next to these pillows.
All of the sudden, he rearranges them to look like in the picture, presses one of them with his hand and says "bloop!".
Laughed my friggin' ass off! 😂😂😂18
Boss: Why did you schedule a party?
Me: newGuy just made his first productive contribution to the group.
Boss: That's great! On that note I'd like you to meet superNewGuy. He's like newGuy but comes with the added bonus of being unfireable!
Me:........... You don't get cake........1
Currently rewriting a typescript app to ES5
You read that right, from typescript 2.9 to ES5, not ES6 or 7, just ES5
I guess the boss doesn’t like modern stuff
On the bright side, i contacted some recruiters today and there are already 2 companies who want me over for an interview11
“I won it! It’s a major award!”
I’d like to thank the Academy, @dfox, and all the devRanters who ++’d my story about my boss wanting me to change the YouTube to look like our website.2
Boss slides keyboard over to you during conference call. It's slightly crooked. Trying to punch in credentials without looking like a noob... impossible.2
My boss: "We need this feature by Friday"
Me: "I can make it work, but I need more time to do it properly"
Boss: "Just fix it by Friday, and you can make a proper implementation later, when there is time"
Like there will ever be time once it works...3
Boss: this is different from the old console I don't like it
Me: but this has been approved by product management and the team already made estimates and committed to the feature
Boss: Well this needs to change, our existing users will not like it
Me: This is far from agile to be honest, and the change came from user feedback analysis
Boss: You are not doing your work *swears and curses* this is against the team direction!
Me: then why was this committed on this sprint? All I did was facilitate the needs of the team to proceed development.
Boss: *runs out office and starts calling other bosses to boss around*
Runs in 5 minutes later, saying we are not allowed to destroy a feature with enhancements like this.
Me: *Infinite facepalm*7
Does anyone else usually feel a bit homicidal towards someone(replace with boss or client) who doesn’t know a thing about what you do but constantly critiques your work?
Client: I don’t like how it looks, put some more design on it.
What does that even mean ????!?!6
My boss just asked me to participate in a conference call to help an external senior dev implement some stuff/tool into our website.
My boss suspects that he doesn't even know Git...
Let's see how that whole thing will turn out.
My boss told me that he looked at his code and it already looks like an abomination of PHP...
It is enough that my boss usually writes shitty spaghetty code.
I will not sleep well this night.1
Boss just gave me a bonus out of the blue for my "continuous show of dedication and engagement". Not sure what I did specifically to deserve it, but pretty happy nonetheless!
Not really a rant, I just wanted to share. Spent the whole day smiling like a retard :)2
Hello (World)! Noob here. I installed devRant around 5 days ago. I just keep reading the rants and didn't created my account because i was not sure if i will stay here for long time coz most (cr-)apps are boring.
After 5 days:
I owe all of you a tons of '++'.
I want a boss like @Linux have. (i know tags work only in comments)
Gonna stay here till i stay in IT industry.(maybe)10
Want a pixel perfect css/design? Get a monitor with as less pixels as you possibly can! Now when your boss says "move it one more pixel" it'll be like moving to another part of the world.
Thank me later :)6
*Working on a project with boss, I am working on a mobile app, he is working on web service app.
Me: this service takes user id as parameter to get all account details (all other web services are like that)
Boss: yes, I use the id to filter the data.
Me: but by this, everyone has the id can do anything ! why we do not use session token?
Boss: this is a detail, it is not important !
*7 years of experience my ass5
Boss asked hey can you build me out a site?...Me ...sure got the PSD for the site?...Boss...no just build something out...Me...okayyyy....I build out a site...Boss...I don't really like the design...Me... ....*internal eye roll because I'm not a designer*2
So, I'm travelling back with my boss from a client and he stopped for a meeting in another city. Now I'm here like...6
So we are having lunch on a normal day when our boss announced that one of our clients are visiting and our boss is telling us to standby and act like we are working so that the clients will see us in action.
WTF!? Is this company *that* desperate!? Then they should hire actors not developers2
Thanks everyone, another follow up:
After successfully securing the interview and going through it like a boss I'm starting my new job on Monday. Bless y'all6
I had to buy a mobile printer for my company for an "emergency" for a demo. I sent my boss 3 prices and he just said "go get it, we'll pay you back." After I deliver the features my boss says "Just take it back and demand a refund" this made me feel like such a douche with the supplier, plus I had to pay a 15% handling fee.6
Finally got a job I see myself staying in more than 2 years :) A boss that give us time to write / read blog posts.
Flexible work life.
Working with all the new stuff like dotnet core, docker :)
Hey friendly coworker with the same scripting skills as a paraplegic monkey:
Even the boss told you not to lose time on worktime trying to do spaghetti scripts, not enough?
I don’t mind helping your unpaired couples of neurones , but losing 2 days for a forgotten bracket? When it took me like 10 seconds to notice?
And if it wasn’t enough, telling that I saw it quicker thanks to my IDE?
You’re just a mistakenly fertilised ovum4
My boss says to me this morning.
Boss: Can you add these links as a redirect 301 to this link.
Me: Ok, I'm not the developer for that domain but I guess I can do it. Let's try to update apache htaccess for that domain through my account.
(After a swift ssh connection to the server to check out that domain.)
Me: Er...boss, we don't own that domain. We cannot redirect it's links to our other domains.
Boss: Why? What do you mean?!
Me: well if we don't own that domain, than it is not on our server and we cannot update it's server config files. So we cannot redirect that domain to our other domains.
Boss: Are you sure?
It went on like this for a while. I had a laugh break after.1
The worst boss and human being so far, still wondering how he keeps the company afloat. This was my first longterm developer job almost a decade ago and I was a student at that time. The application was an outlook plug in for a document management system.
Boss: The processing is too slow. Make it faster.
Me: After analysis and profiling I can prove that the core (developed in VB6 by a physicist and autoconverted to VB.NET) is the bottleneck.
Boss: I don't care. Make it faster and don't touch the core.
Boss: I want the app to behave in that way.
Me: This is not what we specified previously. Look here. Nonetheless, I would have to rewrite half of the plugin. Mind that it is an outlook plug in and we are restricted by outlook. If you want that, it would take XX days and we do not have enough time until release.
Boss: I don't care. Do it. And the deadline stays as it is.
Boss 2 weeks later: I don't like it.
Me: To release in time I need more resources. I need at least one tester and another developer would be a huge plus. Also, I need a second PC for testing.
2 weeks later:
Boss: why does it not work properly in outlook 2010? Didn't you test it?
Me: I could not. I have only outlook 2007. I asked for more resources and did not get them.
Boss: it's your fault. Bad work.
*Me having failed multiple exams, stress at work, started to drink*
Boss: Don't you like working here?
*Me getting written sick with severe depression*
Boss: fires me.
Me: Loses flat. Quits uni. Unemployed for 6 Months, one rejection after another (boss was phoned, that's sure). Moving back to parents. Sues boss. Gets money.
I still hate him and wish him the most painful experiences in life. Such people belong behind bars. But the justice isn't always served. One has to move forward and improve himself.4
My team lead be like when we're in a meeting with the boss:
He: I'll have a working session with her, we'll brainstorm on how to come up with a better design and improve such and such feature, once that's done, we would call you to have another meeting.
Boss: sounds good, I'm looking forward to it.
Me: *internally rolls eyes...*
He: thank you everyone.
couple of minutes later, I get a message from him:
He: hey, it turns out I'm busy and I can't have that session with you, do come up with a new idea/design and share it with me.
Me: .... *fuck you, like you didn't know you were busy before making that fake promise*
The fucker will take credit again for things he didn't do.8
Things said at work that would be misunderstood when taken out of context:
client: "I don't like the D"
Boss: "well what if it's a little d"
Client: "I don't think the size of the D matters, do you think people make decisions on the size of a D"
Me: *trying so hard to laugh I spit coffee everywhere*
Boss: "are you working on that sex padding?"
Me: *trying so hard to laugh I spit coffee everywhere*1
Sometimes I feel like a Jedi:
My boss says: Look the app is not sending any notifications.
I just have a feeling that he deactivated notifications in the app settings.
I check that and it was deactivated
Does that count as Jedi skills ? Or just programmer intuition5
Man I love VM's!
I'm on a very tight deadline and my laptop died this morning and needs a reformat, usually this would be a very dire situation... Luckily I use a virtual machine for my dev env so I just remoted into a pc at my office using my phone, launched an instance of my vm and forwarded a public IP to it.
I'm currently working on my rasberry pi while machines installing linux. The only noticeable difference so far is that I only have enough ram to keep open around 5 browser tabs. :-D4
I was underpaid and doing a job I didn't really like, I stuck with it for 6 months and told my boss about it. He didn't do anything about it. Our head of department told us at a meeting that as a young professional, you own your career path. I quit the following month and all of a sudden, my boss was ready to listen to him. I told him it was too late, I own my career path and this isn't good for it.
Code review? You presume that when I had a boss that he gave a fuck!
I like to review my own code over a nice glass of wine.2
A few days ago, I went to a job interview where the recruiter (boss) expected me to fill a position that normally pays $30 an hour elsewhere for $10 an hour. As if that wasn't enough, he acted like he was being very generous with the $10 an hour because I'm a college kid. Smh.
This is a story about the shitty client who managed to ruin everyone's day, consistently....
So this client, its our biggest revenue source (about 33% of total) and our boss is total wuss when talking to them because of that... Each meeting he has with them he ends up bending over nd just takes it all...
So after each meeting with those shit heads, it's always the same...
It's our fault for going over budget (them changing their mind like 10 times during a project over key issues has of course nothing to do with it, because hey, we're a flexible company and all we do is modular and extendable right?)
Its our fault for not meeting the deadline, because of course our boss keeps accepting last minute projects like there we're otherwise sitting on our thumbs
And than their fucking contact person... Biggest ass ever, always involving us in his own office politics... I'd throw him through the window3
Junior dev: Can I run lint on your codebase
Senior dev: hmmm
Jdev: Its a very nice code inspection tool
Sdev: Go ahead
Jdev: wow 50 errors
What a shitty day.
Lead very pissed bcuz backend don't know specs
Boring meeting where everything is repeated like 6 times
In a few hours boss wants to talk with the whole team
My co-workers jokingly say they want to fire me.
I should be the "hero that will make things better"
Please just kill me instead...
Edit: started working there 3 weeks ago3
I got a dayjob in a company. I got an error. I cannot solve it and I am so desperate. So I go to stackoverflow, nobody answers. I post on git issue, but nobody solves the problem. So, I pay someone to solve it, like Hackhands.com to find a mentor. There is no mentor that can help. So I pay more, hired a peer, and finally a development team just to help me. They get paid only if they solved it.
But each of my folks repeat my same steps, asking on stackoverflows or github, and none of these help. So, they end up hiring their own friends and mentors. Their friends also end up paying (pay before problem solved) someone to help them.
their friends pay for friends of friends, then friends of friends of friends
And all of a sudden it becomes a giant MLM scheme.
And those people they paid for actually work for a company behind the scene which I am a founder of 😁
Multi billions startup idea, is it?4
I was tricky this time and sent a separate email for the client and my boss about the new release.
Client response: "Its very good, runs flawlessly, could you check x if you have the time? It gives errors simetimes"
Boss response: "[...] urgent fix get working on it right now [...]"
Seems like my boss has been the fucking piece of shit all this time :)1
For the last 4-5 months the boss hasn't paid our wages complete. Since then he has promised over and over that he will pay all that he owes us, and we (most of us, anyway, the smart ones already leave) like fools believed in him.
The boss still is lying to us, the same lies over and over (i think he believes them himself)
YOU FOOL, NOBODY BELIEVES YOUR LIES, SHOW ME THE MONEY. DAMMIT!
I'll leave the job and very posibly sue him at the end of this month. Took me long enough. I'm not a smart man...5
I went to a client and forgot my laptop.
Called my boss to send me the file I needed just to realize 1 hour later that I had web access to the repo and could have download myself.
It looks like it will be a promessing day 😑1
About every project at my last job. Impossible to like any project with a boss that legitimately thinks frames and tables are a better option than learning css.
But why not, attribute styling on html-elements are the future indeed.8
Whenever my boss pitches an idea to me I close my eyes and try to make an this-is-a-really-complex-problem face like I am a sort of rainman or something, while I am actually thinking, wow this is stupid3
*Me Scrolling through devRant smiling at posts*
Boss comes from behind
Boss : Stackoverflow is a funny place 😂
I'm taken by surprise since I should be working, and im like
Ya amatuers developers asking stupid questions.. 😂
Damn you devRant Addiction. Phew !4
"This trend to build software from (open-source) libraries like AngularJS, etc. is just wrong! You never know if there's a bug in it. If you just write it yourself you're much better off!" -- my boss
This is so wrong in so many ways...2
so I left uni after my PhD and joined a start up where the boss is a Cambridge grad who does coding and is like 50 years old (he never told us the true value), the CTO is very talented and another dev who quickly became my best friend and me doing data science. the 4 of us worked together like friends and the efficiency was fantastic, there's no bureaucracy bullshit or shit boss talks. We built the whole thing from scratch (okay I admit they did most of the building) and to this day, we work just has we have been.
When you point out a bug for the first time on a popular library and your issue has been reopened with apologies and given the bug tag.
Feel like a boss after struggling with the problem for 14 days haha1
When your boss comes to your desk and starts talking about a great feature with such enthusiasm and you can tell he's been thinking about it for a while.
"we already have that. You asked me to add that like 3 weeks ago."2
Junior dev told me that he would like to use a powerful editor, I forced him to use only VI for 30 min, now my boss sent me an email about "appropriate training methods" for the colleagues.3
After 4 months of dev, Project went into production
Client: it should work like that.
Me: it's a CR!
Client: No, it's not!
Me: talk to my boss.
FUCKING FUCK ANGULAR!!!!
LIKE FUCK IT IN THE ARSE AND BURN THE MOTHERFUCKER WHILE LAUNCHING A MISSILE ON IT TO BE SURE!
(ﾉ≧∇≦)ﾉ ﾐ ┸━┸
So I am making something on angular and I got everything running in ng serve(development environment) , after handling all issues and showing it to my boss man he approves and asked to put it up on prod for a demo , doesn’t sound like an issue , I make the prod build on cli and BAM! 16 errors ? No issues right?, I’ll just google the issue. Googles.... there aren’t no clear solutions to it as the angular version keeps changing and nobody knows what broke it, I mean people have the issue,but like 100 reasons that can cause it,
HOLY LORD RELEASE A NEWER VERSION AFTER MENDING THE OLD ONE
Angular Dev:We fucked this one, lol what should we do boss man?
Angular boss man: lol just leave it, we need to build the new version with newer bugs,
P.S. I like angular, but it’s like a underdeveloped framework, too many issues and too many changes2
Come into work, 5 of our 18 employees have been fired. The boss stares at you with a gleam in his eye. This makes me want to program incredibly technical shizzle. Of course it does. There's nothing like a supportive work life balance :/6
So my boss got a call from a company, trying to sell a piece of software supposed to monitor your ink levels and send you an email, if they are running low, so that IT has a chance to send new before the old one runs out.
They wanted something like 20$/month/printer, so guess what I'm developing now...4
Can someone help me understand this oxymorron?
40y/o boss wants the company to grow, yet doesn't understand how social networks work.
Now i'm not saying Social networks are the be all end all for brand recognition, but not knowing how they work in my POV is like not turning on the stove and expecting the food to cook.
That and throwing a tantrum like a kid...4
I don't scream because my teams are in a different country and we communicate by IM and email.
I do write long ranting/passive-aggressive emails or type really quick replies when I'm pissed though. .
An example of the latter:
Boss: I need you to make a "quick" fix...
Me: hmm ok sounds like we should implement it like ...
Boss: I was thinking something like this... since it's a temp fix
Need: (typing faster) why is it a temp fix... why not builds it properly so it can be reused
Boss: but that takes time, this is quicker
Me: it's bad design because ... (Typing so fast I'm making typos)... Anyway I can do it. This is better...
Boss: ... ok fine... if you can finish it before deadline6
Sometimes when I'm telling my boss how to do something on his computer or I am watching him explaining something to me and he seems like a fucking lost infant that never used a fucking computer in his life I just wanna say loud and firmly:
"What the fuck man? Can't you fucking just click this shit already? Your fucking mouse pointer is on it already, click this motherfucker for once!"6
Learning to code but must do website.
Must learn illustrator....
Can`t even select a fucking circle without it becoming a splatterod non sensical shapes.
Been at it for 2 weeks.
Boss/friend like. Hey i know its the holidays but lets catch up to see what youve done....
Me. Well... I can fuck up circles ;)9
Facepalm moment - When the boss tasked me with a backend rewrite (or writing a backend in the first place really...) but only looked disappointedly at frontend stuff during the presentation.
"But this looks just like before?"4
When your non-programmer boss asks how exactly some code/bug was fixed.
"You sure? I mean, alright... "
It's not like every time something doesn't work right, this will be the fix. We're not going to have a conversation in the future where you help me troubleshoot something by remembering parts of this conversation.1
Just started a new job three weeks ago. I was doing pair programming with another developer that has been there two years; I was assigned an issue and wanted his opinion on it. He implemented a fix that involved multiple complex if statements.
He was surprised after I went ahead and showed him that the variable in question could be used (it was either 0, null, or > 0) like a boolean. I brought it down to 3 lines; a single if statement. Felt like a boss.
I still have the best boss. He's very open-minded and lets me do my job without much interference.
But if I have to collaborate with him in one more project, I go take a peaceful drown in a bucket of sewage!
He codes like a first semester CS student.
>Gets assigned to this private Game server's project
>Boss wants me to improve the anti advertisement chat
> Looks at old code
> Code is replacing unicode characters to latin ones that look similar which are being used for advertising
> lol'd who tf developed this
> regex101, building a regex query with endless of possibilities (would look something like this) /((L|\|_|I_)(O|0|\[\]|\(\))(L|\|_|_))/gi to detect lol
> Adds alot of similar looking unicode characters to assure that it will find something
> Works really well in the dev version
> Server open hour
> 30 players
> All chat at the same time
> CPU 100%
> BOSS NEVER TOLD ME TO MAKE IT EFFICIENT3
I got an extremely hard task in the morning, I asked for some clarification and I got them at 13.23.
Boss ask for updates at 13.45 (during lunch pause).
I work on it 2 hours like never before, he calls me and I said I can manage to finish in half an hour + testing.
I work more 10-15 minutes, time is around 16.15.
2 other enormous bugs shows up on the same project, boss ask me to take care of them, and I manage in only 2h to look up something like 40 web pages and correct each of them, write reports and inform the affected people. After it I work more 15 minutes to report and finish small tasks. Ended up working almost 1h more on a non paid extra time working contract.
In the morning, while my boss was aware I spent that time
In the morning boss ask "everything went fine with the big project, right?"
I already got a burnout from this job, I really can't go on like this.2
coming back from monday OoO to this email chain from user 1. "hey i get an error please help" 2. cc teammate 3. cc my boss. 4. cc his boss. 5. meeting between him and someone on a different team who'll 'take care of it'
Get pinged in slack before i even sit down 'please help'
"hey man, whats the error?"
'oh i get a java exception in $application_completely_unrelated_to_anything_weve_ever_worked_together_on and you've fixed errors like this for me before can you do your magic . #bro4
My boss wants me to make a web application in .NET, it's like asking a Android developer to build the app for iOS as well.
Note: Im a PHP developer5
What's the right thing to do as a junior dev when your boss acts too intimidating and gives you feel like you are unwanted?4
The day tours would like be fired would be like:
Boss: how have you done that job?
Me: <<taking glitter from my pocket while i describe a arc>> It's Magic
Then you unlock the "you got epicly fired" achievement
One day i started to code.
One day i was told you will not code without git.
Many days i lost code on git because i was ignorant.
Today i reset the act of commiting without losing all my shit.
Git reset --soft HEAD^
I didnt event sweat it ;)
Today i feel like half a boss!!!
I don't get it?
That doesn't make any scene....
goto line 5980
😎 coding like a boss....
goto line 8764
🤡 I have no idea what I'm doing....
- A boss that's not 100% incompetent to computers and technology in general.
-Coworkers who aren't jackasses
-Doesn't feel like a job
-Nice break room
-Option to leave early and work from home
So I started to write a small script that my boss asked me to do.
I thought I will be able to do the job simple in just one file.
after 5 days, mostly researching and writing like 10 important functions I gave up the idea of being easy and I configured it as a project.
Feels so smooth now.1
company lands huge enterprise project
promises client to deliver it in MIN_TIME_REQUIRED/4
No architect, no technical lead, no seniors, no designer just juniors and interns in the project.
all the project time wasted by manager making shit decisions and not giving a fuck what devs have to say about how project will be disaster if goes like this.
Now the project is officially under raging fire
Boss to dev : What happend to the project. Why are things not working?
Dev: You made decisions not us.
Boss: I don't buy it. Work 24hrs until this is done.
Dev: F*** you and this project. I am resigning.
The best QA in the world is your boss. He always jump in and ask you to show him something that is not completed yet. He then acts like a professional and points out the red is not red enough... You have no word, mark down all the design changes, pass a message to designer, and then, finally, You forgot what's going on in your mind!!! And it takes another hour for you to resume your memory back....1
I am new at a company and I really like it. After one month I got a job offer from my most wanted company with a higher payment. Told my current boss. He said he is very happy with me and will give me a huge raise starting next year. I already got the details on contract.
What to do? Both jobs will pay me about the same. I love the current company and my colleagues but the new has much more challenging requirements and I feel like my life will get a little bit boring on the long run at my current job.16
Current boss is best boss.
Seriously though, he's a great guy. He has a lot of knowledge technology-wise, especially in electronics and will explain things to you without tiring if you don't understand them.
He lets me run my thing which is cool and letting me run too freely/not taking enough time is probably the only thing I'd criticize.
He seems to have a similar mindset to mine which makes it (most times) enjoyable to work with him. I like him personally - though I'm sometimes not sure whether he gets my somewhat weird humour.
Anyone else have a coworker that tries to act like you and manages to completely fuck up everything to the point where if you go to your boss about it you're the one in trouble and not them. -_-
High school tech team job sucks
Best boss is my current boss(es). They don’t breathe down my neck, no micromanagement, and basically let me outsource anything I don’t want to do or don’t know how to do. I work 100% remote on my own schedule (except for a few core hours) and every time I ask if they have any problems with my work or feedback for my improvement they say they couldn’t be happier. If I make a mistake, they don’t rake me over the coals and they just let me handle the problem.
I’ve been waiting over 20 years for a job like this one. Why can’t it be this way for everyone?3
Would I be going too far out of my role as a developer if I write a coding standards/development practices/procedures guideline for the whole team dictating a set of rules everyone needs to follow? Basically telling people how they should be doing everything.
I'm senior developer but not the only one and also the youngest. No one has to follow it but I would plan to present it to my boss and his boss. I feel like I would come across (if not already) like "I'm better/more experienced than all of you, so you should do what I say because the way things are now isn't working and will only get worse".6
Few months ago I was working on something rhat wasn't mission critical for the current sprint. Near the end of the month I was asked to help the BD team (which usually do the testing) with testing the webapp as well as the mobile versions. First day of me testing ever, found more bugs by myself than the 5 BD people did in the entire week. Really felt like a boss. Next month they asked me to help again. And again. And again.
This is how my desk looks nowdays (the 3 phones are behind the laptop charging)
Have any of you pitched a directional or starting idea to bosses and have it go well? I feel like I'm at such a low "worked bee" level is have to send a lot of time preparing data to back up the idea. Also not sure if I should go to immediate boss who is cool but a little reserved about ideas like this or boss's boss who has more leverage to put an idea like this in action?3
Today my boss granted the intellij Ultimate license. It's a good day.
(even though eclipse isn't that bad I like intellij more)1
Episode 2 of the "I don't know Python but my non-technical boss seems to tell everyone we do" saga!
In a big meeting with a new client discussing the terms of a contract and how the work would get done. I've explained how I'd like to push through the changes one at a time in the interests of debugging shit.
Client: So when each week do you think you'd do the changes?
Boss: Friday at the end of the day. So if there are any problems nobody will really notice it over the weekend.
Me(quietly to boss): but that means if something goes wrong we'll not have any time to fix it.
Boss: yeah we should definitely push them Friday at 4/5.
So I'm looking for a new job already. Never working with a non-technical boss again.1
When my old boss from previous company called me to take on a project that their current developers didn't able to finish. I return to my old office like a saviour of the day 😝5
How do you deal with a boss who doesn't know code at all and he expects you to code for him??? How can I explain to him anything because even a single word like git confuses him... :/4
Has anyone else been able to convince their boss to let them work remote? If so how did you do it? Mine has trust issues with remote working so we started a trial and it's going well but I would like to do it more often. I've also been reading the Remote book and blogs.7
After your boss side tracks your udemy course to learn something else and then going back to that course after a month like "wait what the hell is this alien language"
When the boss or pm give you some work to do before end of day (which actually takes a few hours longer than when you're supposed to leave) and they leave early like 'cheerio'4
Can we get a way to block users from seeing our posts? Two of my coworkers are on here now and it's only a matter of time before my boss appears. He's nosy like that4
Boss while working at a computer repair shop, he was a chill guy and great guy to talk to. Didn't mind if I came in a little late and regularly let me leave early.
Regularly got fun stories like how someone's cd drive broke because they thought it was a bagle holder.4
After 2 days of trying to understand unclear requirements I got for a new project... I discover my boss wrote them....
From the description, it read like he flipped it around from what he actually wanted (there's a difference between parent-children and child-parent)
And he always gave me the feeling that he had gotten it from some business team so I spent 2 days trying to figure out who wrote these requirements so I could ask them.
What the heck is wrong with these recruiters? You have a good facebook group with rules that states not to post ads or job listings. Then this headhunter just joins and ignoring the rules start pointing their job posts. What's worse is they are even posting unrelated programming languages. This ain't a people farm scumbags!10
I was going to show my boss DevRant. Due to my quick thinking of past and future rants pertaining to said boss, I decided not to. Quickly switching to Instagram seemed like I was in the clear, I just had to find a funny picture of... a DevRant ad... "Oh what's that app? Didn't you have that one?"
Then a client walked in!!!
Never have I been, nor will I even be, so relieved to have a client storm into the office!10
I feel like front end guys and gals are basically the folks that make the back end guys and gals look good for the boss. Not in a straight dev shop, but when your boss thinks html is a programming language...4
Starting a new project, I suggested using git instead of TFS(last project was TFS) to my boss. He said “It (the project) is VS based, so to keep things easier...”.
I don’t think basing your project around an IDE is a smart thing to do. I don’t even like TFS its caused quite a few problems for us and is much less smoother than git. Furthermore VS offers really good git integration!4
In my last sprint planning my Project Manager said: "...Drupal is a programming language, like swift or jquery.."
And my boss wonders why our plannings take so long.
Hi fellow devranters,
Just started working for a small engineering company ~10 employees. They have a single guy that have done most og the development work and version control management. Turns out everything was stored om his personal harddrive with a backup on an USB drive. I'm doing the "dirty work" on porting the version control to a network drive. Not ideal, but the boss was insisting on doing it this way. Have anybody encountered anything like this?2
Putting in 6 weeks dedication into a project and getting told by your boss "get it to a state you like and we'll park it"3
My boss from a job I recently quit, there was a slight problem and I wasn't sure how to approach it as I didn't want to bother the customers and she just went out there like "I want to bother them 😈"
Well I've got this new worker and me and him are like "great minds think alike" , we're now trying to convince the boss that a specific monitoring product that cost hundreds has an equivalent open source.... No luck so far in convincing him1
Feeling like a boss! 😎
Long story short:
Solved a formating issue in a program at work by using ancii code 32.
Even my team lead didn't think of that solution!4
Working on a very simple report in C# with DexExtreme.
Got rejected by boss for more than 5 times.
"We don't use comma, the line looks like doubled, the title isn't right, one field is missing..."
Feel so depressed 🤦♂️
I don't even write C# normally1
Just finished a app for mapping printers based purely on convention in a Citrix environment, no manual config needed. Chief of operations said "it's fixing stuff like this that should trigger a bonus, too bad we're the government". (Yay, thanks for rubbing it in).
Then I responded "I'll get my reward in heaven as usual, then". CIO says: "but you're not going there...."
Guess I just need a fire extinguisher then. Thanks boss.1
I left my last position after getting passed for a promotion 4+ times over 2 years. Old boss just asked if I'd like the job out of the blue.
...no. You're a little late.1
We have this guy at the company who always presents good ideas and always suggests new projects. One day he suggested a great project, our boss really liked the idea and gave me the green light to start creating it.
The guy, seeing the opportunity to promote himself, and without consulting me about the deadline, set up a meeting to present the application to the directors, and only then informed me about the deadline. At that moment I did my part, told him that it would not be possible to meet the deadline with all the requirements, something had to be withdrawn, and that's what he did, took a lot of things from the project and we went on like this.
While I was implementing the application, he was always pushing, asking me to do it faster, asking my boss to put me exclusively in his project, and things like that, the boss was always saying that there were not enough people on the team to devote someone exclusively to the project. The guy of course did not agree with that.
At the end the application, without a lot of the initial requirements, was a really mess but ready, he presented to the directors, who in turn liked a lot, and consequently asked to do all the initial requirements and some more. But now those initial requirements had to be made on top of a mess because of all the rush and adaptations.
A few months later, with the change of the board, the guy turned up being my boss, and I've prepared myself to go back to his project with exclusive dedication.
Then came the surprise, when the guy, in the boss position, realized the limitations of the team, instead of putting me to do everything he wanted in that project, he canceled the project entirely and for all the reasons that had already been said to him by the former boss.
Please, don't be like that guy!2
Best boss ever. He gave me light working hours, i could ask for a day off whenever i wanted or leave early if i needed to. Never felt like a slave working for him and always felt respected and valued. Taught me basically most of what i know today and introduced me to some awesome games. Never bored me with formal speech. Come to think of it hes more of a friend. If the company was doing a bit better financially i would never had left. Obviously i dont expect to ever have a boss as good as him in the years to come.
Boss: I'm thinking something like a facebook wall...
For a site where people access once, download what they need, and never come back.5
Colleague (Lead Engineer): Hey, check my code. I'm trying to group a list of Request objects by their id. Something is not working here
Me: * saw his code, had a lot of shitty loops, called all for a quick meet, changed his shitty mess to one liner
Walked out like a boss*
Just got started with nodejs and I never thought I’d have to use async/await this early. Concurrency seemed like a far fetched thing. Feeling like a boss😎1
Someone at work asks boss something stupid. He gets mad and says "omg don't they teach you anything at school?" and proceeds to give us all a pop quiz... On paper... Then tries to read all the code pieces like a lecturer.1
My previous boss. He is a very cool guy. He treat us lunch and dinner sometimes. We always have a conversation topic like existentialism and being in a subconscious state of mind, because most people I met is just very basic. He also owns an office where we are all working in. we watch porn together at night, gossip about hot girls nearby the office area and curse a lot. I love laid back person like him. Also he's humble as fuck.5
Have a issue to deliver today, Xcode start to act weird...
Ok let's just quit Xcode and open again...
"Xcode can't be opened while updating"
Fuck no! Who gave you permission for that, stop! Stop!
Hmm.... boss won't like this9
wow, to think about it , I have not been really 'excited' about stuff for last few years...
Now its like yeah, this is all a rat race...gotta learn this , learn that ,learn everything...but not really excited about it..Maybe feel like a thug-life boss if I get paid or recognised for my work...
However this is a race I am happy to run in,I like coding, like nerdy/smart tech jokes , like learning new stuff, and like my programming life.
A day without opening my laptop is really a day I feel sad but not the other way round.
Looks like using another language to develop a separate process on the system is too much of a mind blow to my boss.
The look on his face when I tried to suggest such thing made me realize it will not be worth the time explaining the benefits of using the right tool for the job.1
When you marvel at your code creation and the beauty of your envisionment only to be painfully whittled down as your boss tells you to change it all, because he doesn't like how the code looks. Joys of being a junior developer!1
Trying to setup a staging server boss says just use AWS, system admin doesn't like that thought because it doesn't involve him so waited all day for 3 VM's and still not ready... All I need is 3 blank CoreOS VMs nothing fancy like even doing the cloud config no. Anyone else has colleagues scared of moving out of the private high maintenance servers in the basement?6
Well I would say a pretty humbling experience was my last job interview where my new boss and hr guy were truly shared by my skills and then the first day at work where my boss said please do this decision, I really need an opinion by an experienced developer like you as I am not sure which one is the better one.1
After a week of working days of testing and development, the new feature finally finished. But my boss wasn't satisfied with the flow so he sent a revision.
After finished with revision, he still not satisfied with it and then sent another revision. This happened 3 times in a week after completing task before any revision and this week comes the fourth with some vague businesses flow. I feel like I don't have value anymore in this company.1
"I don't know about changing that part of the platform"
-"Do you see any other way?"
"No, but this one is pretty complex"
-"Would you like me not to do it?"
"No, but like, really test it, OK? It's a very complex part of the platform"
-"Would you like me to include the phrase 'this was really fucking complex' in the release documentation?"
Sometimes I think my boss is against coding :/
How can I interview new developers like a boss. E.g. Give them a PSD and tell them to do the layout etc. What you guys recommend?3
When I was an apprentice in a small company, ...
I had to witness the shortest job interview in my life. The company was searching for a secondary full time developer and one applicant got the chance to have a job interview.
The interview was planned at 10 o'clock in the morning. The applicant has arrived at the interview at time, but my boss didn't. After about a hour my boss has arrived.
They went into his office, and you can just hear a loud yell why the applicant came too early. The applicant told him that he got there at time and he has waited about a hour for him.
My boss have asked how the applicant came to this place and the applicant told him that he has used public transportation with the correct arrival time.
Someone like my boss who does not use any public transportation at all accused the applicant being a liar and he should stop bullshitting him.
The applicant yelled back what the hell is going on and he is not there to get yelled at. After that the applicant went away very angry.
We had a very good laugh at the neighboring office.3
Recently we created a Slack team with co-workers and our boss. Everybody was shocked when we saw his username. It is "armageddon". Like a fucking gamer child.2
Meeting time; issue. People have been leaving at an alarming rate. New boss pulls us into a meeting. We are the people that do the most every day to the point we are tired.
Boss: why do you think we are having issues with attrition?
Me: because we are tired of being told we are doing great work and then being treated like we sit around with are thumbs up are ass.
Boss: I... ummm
Me: yeah it's bad, also I quit.
Point is, I am now making more money, doing better work, in a better place. Point is, don't quit out right, but don't be afraid to look for a better place and take the time to interview.2
I'm so f*cking tired to have a lot of work rejected just because "I don't like it", because "today I like this thing, but tomorrow maybe"...
1. You are NOT even a designer
2. You have NOT a f*cking plan on what we are going to do in the next weeks
3. You are crazy AF because you pretend to have always what you ask without any kind of explanation, changes included..
YOU ARE NOT A LEADER.
YOU ARE JUST A bOSS.4
I am going to rant about this here because there is nowhere else where I can "SCREAM".
My work process....
Working on a project that does not have mockups nor a plan. I am building as I go. Design, infrastructure, EVERYTHING. Because my boss is a "genius".
And the project goes like this....
1. Boss tells me to build something.
2. I tell him the functionalities and design.
3. Boss, "Figure out yourself and we will see how it goes".
4. Me, Builds something.
5. Boss does not like it and demands changes.
6. I make the changes.
1 year and a half for one project that is a simple e-commerce. Show the products, a search functionality, users sign in and can order and show their orders.
A simple page in which does not take time, but without a plan, without A FUCKING PLAN this project will go on forever.
I am losing my mind. I put on test and tell my boss to test it for bugs. He demands a meeting and tells me, "we need to add this".
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE. TEST THE SITE FOR BUGS YOU FUCKING USELESS THING. I WILL FIX THE BUGS AND THEN WE WILL TALK FOR NEW MODULES.
I am doing documentation, database infrastructure, front-end, back-end, testing (because my boss cannot do it. It took him 2 week to start testing for some things after asking him every fucking day "Did you test it", "Did you test it").
Maintaining out CRM for bugs and new modules and maintaining our company's website.6
Soo today (Sunday) I received a Email from my boss. He wants me to do a fucking huge project done by next Friday.
This "so amazing new idea" exists for like 5 years already. So I said I'd be done this Tuesday. Him not knowing I'll be copy&pasting this all the way 😂😂.
Not that I'm lazy, but just that why should I recreate something that exists for years now.5
Just finished importing over 70,000 rows with a bunch of joins onto a data warehouse for billing purposes. all done thanks to SQL alchemy and python. I feel like a boss.2
Open inspector from Chrome in front of your friends and proceed to deleting annoying ads or bypassing scripts like a boss.1
Does anyone else have a boss who is supposed to have a lot of technical but you have to explain everything like your talking to a newbie that can't seem to follow logical arguments?
Tag: I already proved it's not... Why do you still think it is1
Anyone else in the habit of having a PuTTy window signed into a personal server, for stuff like IRC, because it looks too much like work for the boss to question it?1
The feeling of telling your boss that you hate you are putting in your two weeks is a feeling like no other. I'm FREE!
My boss asked us all to do a 360 review of
Our colleagues. I HATE ratting on my colleagues, even though someone of them are rubbish programmers. He’s the boss, if he doesn’t know how to tell who the bad eggs are, why should I help? It’s not like it get paired for for helping him or get any shares if the company does well.
I won’t rat of my colleagues.1
Wouldn't call it a feature. More like worst practice. Data manager (and my boss at the time) kept using our website as a way to host large files 3rd party vendors/partners could download instead of using one of the many secure transfer methods out there to send them data. This was sometimes extremely sensitive data. No authentication or security that I could find. I went ballistic on him after seeing that.
There's like a billion developers out there but I'm the single developer this boss man chooses to be a pain in the ass to.
Great. Just great!
How was I able to fix this bullshit report generator task?
Simple bitch. I am that fucking good. Matter of fact. I am more than good. Sit the fuck down and listen.
That fucktard you have over there acting as a faculty member teaching kids about code and security? Blame that bitch for the horrible code that was NOT working since he wrote that with absolute disdain for software engineering and without taste or finesse.
Yeah I was able to troubleshoot his monster of an app. His ass is the reason why people hate php, giving the lang and community a bad name and shit.
Pleased to meet you btw.
I am Alex. Your new rockstar.
To my manager: i got it babe don't worry. I'll be your huckleberry.
I am out.1
How can one "steal" a job anyways? Is not like there's a robot with a gun forcing your boss to fire you and give him the contact instead, which the robot is way better at anyways, producing no bugs and ten times the features you were able to do, and all that for a few bucks of electricity a day... FUCK, WE'RE DOOMED!!!5
the moment other people are struggling finding a file using "find" in Linux and you find it using "locate" in seconds like a boss.1
So we are gonna have a presentation offshore in an international event, in some hours from now.
Boss asked me to update some data along with some that a coworker was working on.
I asked about said data to coworker and she replied: they are in dropbox since yesterday.
And I was like OK.
AND NOW I'M FUCKING AWAKE AT 3 AM TO UPDATE IT AND 80% OF THE FUCKING DATA ISN'T ON THE FUCKING DROPBOX!!!! WTFFFF!!!!!
Last week I refused to sign a full time contract for a company that I worked for as a consultant for 6 months because of technical details.
Now the boss of that company sends me an SMS merry christmas, in my 12 years, it never happened to me, like sure I heard it from a boss before but not like that and not that late at night
Now I wish the clock can go back for me to sign any contract. I have to live with the decision I made... If I could turn back the clock I'd replace the better part of my life.2
So i just saved myself like a day of work.
My boss wanted me to make a new endpoint for a webpage I'm working. Ok, spend yesterday afternoon planning it out.
Come in this morning, ready to write it. Look through our api docs. Turns out we have almost the exact endpoint i need, minus 1 simple field. Add the field (1 line of code).
Everything is looking good, I'm a day ahead of where i planned to be. I just wish my boss had told me of the endpoint earlier.
Planning and good docs pay off.
when you hire a third party team and the ceo is so technically behind that the team starts treating you like an idiot as well.
Unlike my boss who can barely work a mac, i can use github so you dont have to send me a zip file.
Unlike my boss, you can use big words.
Unlike my boss, you dont have to treat me like im stupid.1
I was fed up writing spaghetti logic every time I need switching class names in React, so I made a library to make this easy-peasy.
It's really nice and declarative now!3
When you've already spent three days trying to debug a problem with a Magento site and start questioning your credentials as a developer.
But then the other senior says they get stressed just popping in and out to help so they can't imagine what it's like for you and your boss says 'look at it this way. You're one step closer to solving it than you were yesterday'.
Sometimes it's great being a developer... Even when it is stressful.1
I got my current job in the most standard manner,
1. Saw an ad for the job in the local newspaper.
2. Called the boss and had a chat with him. He sounded nice and the job sounded interesting.
3. Submitted my application and resumé
4. Boss called and we set up an appointment for an interview.
5. Met with boss and HR, had a cup of coffee and an interview.
6. Boss called and told me I'm one of two, and that he would like me to do a DISC personality analysis.
7. Met with HR and did the analysis, a bunch of questions that I answered as thoroughly as I could.
8. Boss called and said, congrats! Can you start next month? Yes, I could and it's been more than three years since :)
To make a boring story a bit more funny: Half-way through my first day, I noticed my zipper was open =:O And today I'm wearing two exactly identical socks...save for the colour, different shades of grey on left and right foot. Hush, don't tell my colleagues, maybe they won't notice ;) Well, I guess it's alright as long as I'm not wearing nothing but underwear, or being butt naked, like in some nightmares.1
In that frustrated moment where the code is right but doesn't work...
Boss is a non-technical guy who's like I don't care just get it done and I'm just sitting here staring at the screen not knowing what to do...1
Not the biggest hurdle, but I felt like THE BOSS on finishing the task.
I have to create Branch in a repository for respective folders in S3 bucket and have to commit that folder into it's respective branch. There are around 29 folders in the bucket, the task would have taken my entire day. Rather I completed the task in less than half an hour. Shell Script is the coolest tool, which saved my entire day, indeed I felt like THE BOSS.
Why are people so geleous?
Showed an app I'm making to help with work with my boss and Co-workers... When I said I'm a noob programer he was like... Your What? Your just dumb... Same for most my co-workers... It's like... I'm dumb because they don't know stuff?3
My boss writes code like this:
def someFunction (someArg: String) = ...
Who does that?! A space? Da fuck?! And it's all over the code base. Whenever another dev touches any of his stuff, we correct it:
def someFunction(someArg: String) = ...
The way god intended it!8
JOOMLA!!!! jesus fucking jones . Been asked to migrate a site to joomla 3X and I cant get off the start line and my boss is freaking pissed. " its just like word press" em is it just me or is it overcomplicated1
Remember when you were an intern, a junior or new in the company and would get this one but that you spent hours on an the boss would be like "don't worry about it. Just track your time and you'll get payed, even if it took sooo long"?
And now... If you stay two hours in a bug the cut your holiday hours...1
When you are in a party and your boss messages
Boss - are you online, the servers are failing.
Me - i am online.
Boss - your phone doesn't count. Get to a computer.
I am like WHAAAATTTT?.
Friend, jestingly: Gabe I did a hack, I edited the html on my browser and sent a pic to my boss so that it wouldn't look like I was 20 minutes late
Me, seriously: Friend that's literally 99% of IRL hacking. Human error.
Friend, who is positive about humanity, unlike me: why do you disappoint me like this
Do you know that lady who waits in line at the grocery store for ages and when it's finally her turn she suddenly realizes that she might need her wallet somewhere from the bottom of her bag?
That's our current business analyst managing external dependencies like a boss... :D
Hate new company within a month.
They are downgrading my technology..Seniors are behaving like a boss..It's been a month and I don't know who are in my team.
Project setup is not done and asked to finish the task within 1.30 hrs which has been pending since long days and need to fix on other's machine.
What the heck is this?4
the feeling when you pick up your AOP library that you've last updated on 10/Oct/2016, has single commit "Initial commit (MVP)", absolutely no docs and you touch a couple of places for 10-15 minutes and boom you get everything working ...
Thanks former self, thank you for actually being more or less logical, thinking and did coding like a boss..
Here we go another with another pet to get refactored and revived
I'm a student at uni and also one of the two web devs at a website agency.
Today, I got in office and my boss told be, that he just signed off (confirmed) two mobile apps ( we're switching to React Native) and is in the talks with a few other clients, also we're like a week from starting our first big project.
Furthermore, internship deadlines are ending at the start of next month.
Goodbye Life 😂 🔫 💻
Has anyone ever thought of/written like a letter of recommendations for themselves? I guess like how you think ppl like ur boss sees you?5
Dat Moment when the exchange Server seems to crash and you found 20x1gb Mails From boss to all employes
Dau Like a boss2
How do you guys explain to your CEO, PM, boss [whatever] that you cannot give them accurate time estimates for debugging? 😅
If something i made has a bug, and uses external libraries, not even debugging my code (more like, how i used / implemented something has a problem), i obviously have to first of all check what the hell is wrong ! I dont just make bugs for fun and happen to know exactly what is the problem and therefore the solution ...
So after a couple of days of playing around, I just finished the larger part of a program that my new boss wants in C# (which is new to me). So far I'm really loving the wide variety of functions, but I'm struggling to get used to the fact that everything in the ASP.net part gets "processed" (like using BuildForn to create a form tag instead of just typing the HTML) and it just slows down the process a bit 😂2
I built a postman collection with all our company REST calls and sent it over to my IT colleagues to make our lives easier. A week later my boss told us we are not allowed to use apps like postman or paw because it breaks our server. Only curl calls from terminal are allowed, it's a fucking mess. FML12
Boss/prof (does not understand code): "I like it more this way. Come on don't make that face thanks to OOP it won't be that much of a deal to make a change right"
He wants to change a fundamental data structure of our software 😉😉😉1
My favorite thing, when your boss makes up a feature in their head and is angry that you didn't magically read their mind and implement it. I'm like a computer, I do exactly what you tell me, nothing more, nothing less, dummy.
Boss changes plan & schedule for this year's projects at least 5 times within 3 weeks.
Since everything changes so frequently, would you mind making the following changes as well:
1) Give everyone a better PC/Mac
2) Get a better PM
3) A sales team that can sell things
Or maybe a more creative, decisive and organised boss so we can have all 3 wishes at once just like Kinder Surprise
Yes, I sit right next to the boss. No, I don't know where he is or when he will be back. I'm a Dev like you, not his secretary1
my boss is the software designer atm where every feature or modification is either conflicts with previous ones or is a change request.
Its like try and error development !
When you know your boss was in different country, then you have a free time to browse anything but suddenly you heard his voice in your office. He came unexpectedly.
Us be like.... 😨
wow... so just finished watching the last episode of Naruto...
I haven't watched though since they beat that final boss thing, thought it was all filler/side stories like Bleach... But yea, did I miss anything good? Was there a build up to the final ep?1
Having to sit through a debate between my lead and boss about how to implement something trivial like front end validation in a non-public facing part of our system. Or worse, working on something as per my lead's instructions only to have my boss tell me its all fucking wrong and to start over.
When your thrown into a project that youre supposed to be working under someone then it suddenly becomes youre the only one working on it. Boss man keeps coming in and saying "That site done yet man?" and im just like suh dude lol.3
In the other day i was restarting my windows machine like a normal procedure but it was taking too much time. I waited and sudently in the middle of the restart I got a blue screen and the PC restarts.
I am like OK....... Well at least boots up :)
I need to tell my boss that we need to change to linux.
Last year my boss decided to outsource a project I did the year before to another company.
Now he wants my opinion on why this company estimates 10h to do an upgrade on a API interface I did on that project.
Like I remember details on what I did two years ago. And like I have any idea how this company is rigged to handle the project.
Hey ... Is it possible to figure out the clients path (f.e. C:\Users\...) to a file he uploaded to a website on the server side?
My boss thinks it could be done and wants me to programm it. But I think we'd need a zero day vulnerability in a specific (and probably very old) browser to do something like that... That would be a huge security issue...
What do you think?15
Game-devs I have a question:
What's is a regular or recommend workflow when developing a game that has a good/elaborated background story.
Let's say you are developing a game like Metal Gear or Resident Evil.
Where does the writing of the story get in? At the beginning? Your write the whole story or at list the majority of it before putting the game together?
And what's the writing style for a videogame story? You write it like a book? Or is more specific for a game?
I mean, your character Jason meets a boss and fights it: do you write: "Jasons finds evil genius hideout and meets him" or instead "the player gets to the boss and the fight starts"?
Sorry for the long question.6
Boss isn't a person.
It's not a name.
It's a feeling.
It's an emotion.
It's something that you are afraid of even in ur dreams.
It's something that pushes you, shouts at you, criticises you, shouts at you again, but at the end he gives you appreciation, money and fame(sometimes).
No matter how shitty the pay is, it is something. Better than nothing.
If you don't like it, go to another boss.
BE YOUR OWN BOSS.2
Looks like there are new horribly regurgitated packages in python nowadays which somehow my boss keeps finding I don't know how , which have shorter commands that take more and more time to run because they are just attaching these smaller tags to bigger tags and so on.
And my boss doesn't understand that there's such a thing called as overhead time ffs and it takes the same fucking time to run that same shit and maybe more because the new packages don't have a proper fucking API.2
[brag] Started working on implementation of REST service using Zend Expressive. got in to HATEOAS/Richardson maturity level and HAL + `application/vnd.error`..
nailed them in a day.. feel like a boss
Meeting just after given a vacation to the whole company. We had 1 week of no work. Everyone of us including the boss went on a vacation together. He sets up a meeting the very next day at 8:00 fucking AM . Sent at 10 PM. Like nigga . Let me reset and prepare my mind ffs. That was a ridiculous meeting recently just for the sheer fuck of it.1
A new product release plan is shared on friday with everyone
On Monday morning its goes like this:
My boss: "when have we planned to do feature x?"
Me: "am sorry, I forgot my release plan at home."
My boss: in his mind ->"i thought you shared on Friday?"
Me: in my mind -> "Just say it loud"
When your boss installed Activtrak on your pc and some cctv and hidden recorder in the office. It's sound more like a prison than an office.
It's 3AM and here I am trying to fix the mess that I made last night when I was drunk and the deadline is 12PM (only 9 hours left).. You don't but if you do know how do I kill my boss so that I would look like a bug from a software made by our company killed him to take revenge of killing the bugs?1
That exciting moment when remotely connected from one job's computer to second job's PC and doing third job's tasks. 😏
The boss says: "Spreadsheet structure must be the same of this other app".
There is no documentation of the other software so:
• try some different input parameters;
• compare the spreadsheets;
• find a possible (and temporary) solution.
I do not like Excel.
My best coworker was probably my last boss and team. We always were able to help each other out when needed and really worked as a team. It was great except no one worked onsite so it's not like we could go get drinks or lunch.
Well today my boss wants me to “tweak” our coldfusion framework to behave like a REST api....talk about an entire rewrite.
There’s a reason why no one uses coldfusion anymore.1
Saw today a little French YouTube video, "Me, Max, developer". With overused jokes (what mom thinks I do, what my boss, etc), and, at last, the job is vaguely explained, and the video concludes by "and, sometimes, by miracle, it works! And I feel like the savior of the world"
For me, telling that something works by miracle is a proof that you don't understand what you've done, which makes you some kind of not very reliable developer...
Ok so this is more like a question than a rant
Have you ever gotten to close to your boss and how did it turn out for you?
Currently im as close as you can get without marrying her but we have trouble separating work from our private life...
Any advice or stories that you can share would be much appreciated1
Website updates make me sick. Changing a color button, increase/decrease paddings won't make any differences. Why people are not focus on technical stuff like a 40 fields form instead ? Oh I know my boss is a web designer . Feeling alone as Web Developper.
Working on a national holiday and the boss come at 1:30pm and wants a meeting with the devteam
- NOTHING IS WORKING ON THE 1st RELEASE
- We: like what?
- Boss: GO FIND YOURSELF
- We: why you are screaming on us?
- Boss: I HAD A FUCKED WEEKED
- we: we're sorry but it wasn't our fault
- Boss: LEAVE THE ROOM
My boss told me to search some information about a specific way to program a web wich name i don't remember. It was based on Java and the icon was something like this. Am i fcked out?2
When your boss has you learn a new language but then doesn't listen to any of your input concern this language and acts like they know the language as well....which they don't
Not enough disk space error..just when I am done writing code and unzipping the bigger dataset.
Hours later.. Now mounted 200Gigs to machine.
Feels like a boss.!