A train station that finally plays by the rules.

*at work* (fictional names)

Kevin (linux support engineer): Bob, could you come for a second to take a look at something?
Bob (senior linux engineer): *tiny voice from a corner behind a desk* bob is not available right now. Please try again later.
Kevin: Bob, please, just for a second!
Bob: bob is not available right now, please try again later.
Kevin: Boooooooooooooob, come heeeeereeeee
Bob: as said before, bob is not available right now, try again later.
Kevin: but booooooob, come oooooon.
Bob: it seems that you might have a hearing problem since bob is still not available.
Kevin: but booooohooooob, come heeeeeeeeeeereee
Bob: it seems like the person on the other side of this line might be retarded. Bob is not available right now.
Kevin: But boooohooooohooooooob come oooohooohooon, just for a seeehehecond *starts fake sobbing"
Bob: Bob is getting real tired of your shit. Leave bob alone.

😆

Me: good day, how can I help you?
Client: *explains issue*
Me: alright, let's take a loo.... *AACHOOOO*
.
.
M: my apologies sir, that came out of nowhe... *ACHOOO*
M: do you have a second sir? My apologies!
C: sure man take your time 😁

*30 seconds later, nose seems to have calmed down*

M: back I am, apologies for the inconvenience!
C: no problem, it happens!
M: where was I?.... Right, I was going t...
*ACHOOOOOOOOOOO*
*ACHOOOOOOO*
AH... AH... AAAAH..... ACHOOOOO*
M: I'm very sorry, I'm going to put you through to a collegue!
*puts through to collegue*
*goes to bathroom*
.
.
*returns to desk*

*tringgggg*
Me: good afternoon sir, how may I hel... *A-MOTHERFUCKING-CHOOOOO* (thinking: oh for fucking fucks sake)
C: bless you!
M: thank you! Apologies, I seem to be having a snee.. *CHOOOOOOOO*
.
.
.
*sniffs a few times*
- zing attack.

*collegue yells at me to transfer my call*
*transfers call*

Me: thanks man, idk what's wrong with me hahah... *ACHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*

OH FUCKING HELL 😠

My GF, an iOS QA, went for an interview with a large enterprise and was rejected.

Interviewer: Your current application is hybrid or native?

GF: Native, because it is written in swift using native iOS SDK.

Interviewer: Does it use internet?

GF: Yes.

Interviewer: It is a hybrid application if it uses internet. You know nothing about your projects. You are rejected.

GF: 😯

YouTube TV changelog:

"Hey can you make these changes?"

*does absolutely nothing*

"That's way better!"

Mhmm sure. Totally changed stuff. Yup.

You devranters feed your cats too much

Clearly not...

Found this on Intern's screen

Can relate

the advantage of dating a non-dev: she thinks I'm incredibly smart when I describe what I'm working on, when in reality I have no clue what I'm doing 🙃

Boss : How do you access code at home ?

Me : Well, Git is fairly accessible from anywhere with the right credentials at hand

Boss : What of you have virus in your system ? Can't the virus infect our NodeJS code ?

Since then, I haven't been able to get out of the mental comatose induced.

2 years ago: Connection goes down at the office

Boss: -"Damnit, you are responsible to ensure uptime. Fix a redundant connection asap."

Me: Fixes redundant connection

Today: Connection goes down at the office, failover connection does not work.

Me: Calls ISP and asks what's happened.

ISP: -"Your boss cancelled the account 3 months ago"

...

I made a web app and a mobile app for a client two months ago. Yesterday I shut down the server because I wasn't paid yet despite my multiple warnings and reminders.

Under thirty minutes the money was in my bank account.

Sad thing is they weren't responding to me, ignoring or lullabying me with good cop bad cop acts, acting like friends etc...

Lowering my bar to people / agencies like this depresses me.

Btw they are my former agency, they have all the money in the world but turns out they are all jackasses after all...

I would be totally surprised with starting at 4 and stopping at 6!

A little while ago I was on my way home from work sitting on the train and then this guy sat down next to me.

Pulled out a laptop and suddenly opened a code editor!

I just tried to determine what programming language he was doing and after about 5 minutes I finally was about to ask him...

Then he copied his 'code' into excel.

Well, all the excitement went to a pub to get drunk at that moment I think.

When a girl joins your team as an Engineer and unleashes her badass coding skills, you look her up on the internet and notice she has 500k+ followers and is a former idol/singer. What do you do?

Last day on the contract from hell. I'd written a project with one other person in our spare time that performed a critical business function. The following conversation was had between myself, the job thief who was handed my job and their manager, with the 10 other IBM GS "dev domain experts" assigned to that team sitting silently on zoom:

Moi: hey all, what seems to be the problem?
JT: how to update the java for requirement?
Moi: I would assume a text editor, have you tried intellij
JTM: she's talking about ticket BS-101, the data is wrong
Moi: ah, well, you might want to fix that
JT: how to fix?
Moi: update the database and update the logic that depends on it
JTM: what changes are those?
Moi: the ones described in the ticket, I would assume, I'm no longer on that project
JTM: didn't you write this application?
Moi: yes.
JTM: ok, so do you know how to fix the issue?
Moi: definitely
JTM: ok... ... Can you tell us how to fix it?
Moi: yes.
*The sound of silence*
JTM: *will* you tell us?
Moi: I would, but I'm already off the clock, and as of an hour ago I no longer have a contract. And even if I did, I don't have a contract or authorization to work on that system. I'm not actually being paid for this call.
JTM: ... What are we going to do about this?
Moi: I have no idea
JTM: ok, so we can look at getting a 1 month contract to support this
Moi: I'm sure our firm has someone who can definitely help you out
JTM: *heavy raging* ... Can you do the work?
Moi: Unfortunatley, I'm already committed to a new contract at another customer. I also don't do one month contracts. I'm an engineer, not a car wash employee
JTM: well, I don't understand how you can just leave us in the lurch like this?!
Moi: well, respectfully, it was your decision to cut me from the budget because you thought you were close enough to end of the project to get it across the line with junior resources.
Interjecting-JT: I am senior!
Moi: Right. So, basically, you took ownership of the product before go live. We advised against it, in writing, numerous times. We also notified you that we would not carry a bench, so the project resources are now working on other things. We can provide you with new resources for a minimum 6 month duration who can help you out. Also, since we've cycled out, our rate has increased per the terms of our MSA.
JTM: we don't have budget for that! How are we supposed to do this?!
Moi: *zoom glare at JT* that question is more appropriate for your finance officer and the IT director. I can send a few emails and schedule a call with your account representative and the aforementioned individuals so you can hash this out.

-_---------------
I'm free! 🥳 That said, still plenty of residual fodder I need to get out of my system on these guys. Might need to start my own Dilbert.

Decided to learn language.
Chose language Lua.
Arrays start at 1.
FML

Boss: I need to know how much resources a server would need to serve 20000 users at the same time

Me: Sure, can I see the webapp?

B: There's not one yet

M: Ok, can I see its documentation then?

B: There is none

M: But ot depends on the programming language, libraries used, what kin-

B: It's an e-commerce. Try browsing Amazon and see how much they nees to handle the page requests.

Me: *still processing* wh-

Boss: I have to give an estimate to a client within 30 minutes. Hurry.

So.... Uh... I guess i have to hack Amazon now?

Omg...
T-Mobile AT was asked, why they store passwords in plain text, and in a long discussion, they answered this (see img)

I don't know, if this is a late april fool...

*me, coding at a pub*
*random dude walks up to me*
He: "what are you doing? Programming? What?"
Me: "yup. That's a horizontally and vertically scalable webservice, that's using amqp, rest APIs and encryption to schedule starting, stopping and autoscaling of a total of 90 heroku applications. This webinterface *showing* allows you to trigger starts and stops manually and monitor all processes."
He: "oh, so you are programming a Website? In HTML?"
Me: "euhm........ Yes."

I understand this dude had probably no clue what I was talking about.. Yet I am angry at him. Reducing more than 12k loc to HTML... Go fuck yourself.

Regarding the whole GitHub purchase:

At least it wasn't Oracle.

I don't understand the phrase "once in a while".
If you execute something only “once“ then why you keep it in a “while“?

0 public contributions because everything is closed source at Apple.

That moment when you can't help but drop from the lecture.

TRIGGERED!

Collegue: hrrrrrrrrrrrrr *mumbles something*
Me: Rawrrrrrrrrr (the sexual'ish kind)
Collegue: Hmmm what?
Me: Miaaaaaaauwwwww 😏😉
Collegue: Duuuus.... (English something like "sooo...."
Me: x x x x ("kisses") 😏 *😘*

(I know I can do this with him for the record)

01000110 01110101 01101110 01101110 01111001 00100000 01100001 01100110

Throughout the day I check Google analytics, I do it so much that I have a habit of typing "anal" and hitting enter into chrome and it auto completes,
I accidentally typed it not realising I still had focus on my company Slack chat window. The delete message feature is disabled 😰.

*Overhearding Convos*

A : "Dude, have you tried vim? It sucks!"

B: "I know right, why do they have to make it so hard to use..."

Me whispering : Git Gud Boi...

My company just made a nice design on the first door you see after entering the building.

Im so happy they started counting dev rooms from 0

Fuck the memes.

Fuck the framework battles.

Fuck the language battles.

Fuck the titles.

Anybody who has been in this field long enough knows that it doesn't matter if your linus fucking torvalds, there is no human who has lived or ever will live that simultaneously understands, knows, and remembers how to implement, in multiple languages, the following:

- jest mocks for complex React components (partial mocks, full mocks, no mocks at all!)
- token cancellation for asynchronous Tasks in C#
- fullstack CRUD, REST, and websocket communication (throw in gRPC for bonus points)
- database query optimization, seeding, and design
- nginx routing, https redirection
- build automation with full test coverage and environment consideration
- docker container versioning, restoration, and cleanup
- internationalization on both the front AND backends
- secret storage, security audits
- package management, maintenence, and deprecation reviews
- integrating with dozens of APIs
- fucking how to center a div

and that's a _comically_ incomplete list; barely scratches the surface of the full range of what a dev can encounter in a given day of writing software

have many of us probably done one or even all of these at different times? surely.

but does that mean we are supposed to draw that up at a moment's notice some cookie-cutter solution like a fucking robot and spit out an answer on a fax sheet?

recruiters, if you read this site (perhaps only the good ones do anyway so its wasted oxygen), just know that whoever you hire its literally the luck of the draw of how well they perform during the interview. sure, perhaps some perform better, but you can never know how good someone is until they literally start working at your org, so... have fun with that.

Oh and I almost forgot, again for you recruiters, on top of that list which you probably won't ever understand for the entirety of your lives, you can also add writing documentation, backup scripts, and orchestrating / administrating fucking JIRA or actually any somewhat technical dashboard like a CMS or website, because once again, the devs are the only truly competent ones - and i don't even mean in a technical sense, i mean in a HUMAN sense of GETTING SHIT DONE IN GENERAL.

There's literally 2 types of people in the world: those who sit around drawing flow charts and talking on the phone all day, and those WHO LITERALLY FUCKING BUILD THE WORLD

why don't i just run the whole fucking company at this point? you guys are "celebrating" that you made literally $5 dollars from a single customer and i'm just sitting here coding 12 hours a day like all is fine and well

i'm so ANGRY its always the same no matter where i go, non-technical people have just no clue, even when you implore them how long things take, they just nod and smile and say "we'll do it the MVP way". sure, fine, you can do that like 2 or 3 times, but not for 6 fucking months until you have a stack of "MVPs" that come toppling down like the garbage they are.

How do expect to keep the "momentum" of your customers and sales (I hope you can hear the hatred of each of these market words as I type them) if the entire system is glued together with ducktape because YOU wanted to expedite the feature by doing it the EASY way instead of the RIGHT way. god, just forget it, nobody is going to listen anyway, its like the 5th time a row in my life

we NEED tests!
we NEED to know our code coverage!
we NEED to design our system to handle large amounts of traffic!
we NEED detailed logging!
we NEED to start building an exception database!

BILBO BAGGINS! I'm not trying to hurt you! I'm trying to help you!

Don't really know what this rant was, I'm just raging and all over the place at the universe. I'm going to bed.

Wanted to make a python script that makes a file, deletes it, make another one with incremented title, deletes it and so on.
Fucked something up and ended up with ~20k files before ending the script few seconds later.
Gotta love the ideas you get in the middle of the night

"Arch Linux is actually not that difficult".

I ssh'ed into my home server yesterday.

I was greeted by a message from an ext3 disk about needing fsck. Fine, "I haven't been in here for a while, might as well do some maintenance". fsck /dev/sda6, let's go!

This nicely "repaired" the sshd service (i.e. cleared the sectors), I cursed at myself for pressing enter at "repair (y)" right before the connection broke.

So I connected a display and keyboard... ok so let's just pacman -Sy sshd or whatever. We can do this! Just check the wiki, shouldn't be that hard!

Wait... pacman has not run since 2010? WAIT IT'S ACTUAL UPTIME IS 9 YEARS??? I guess we know why I'm a DB admin and not devops...

Hmm all the mirrors give timeouts? Oh. The i686 processor architecture isn't even supported anymore...?

4 hours, 11 glasses of cognac, 73 Arch32 wiki/forum pages, 2 attempts at compiling glibc, and 4 kernel panics later: "I think I'll buy a new server".

Boss, on a Saturday: "Here's some code to upload."

Me: "Bruh..."

I'm not angry, mostly sad.

At my workplace we don't use git.
There are constant overwriting, sending code via email or USB stick and forgetting passwords to zip-files shenanigans going on.

I already use git for all my local projects (literally git init in the directory) but my coworker and I thought that it would be a great idea to have a local server with a Gitlab running on it.
So I started looking into running a self-hosted Gitlab (for about 15 minutes) and then our boss who was sitting right next to me almost shouted at us: "Such stuff should be coordinated with the boss! We don't just do something and burn my money because it's _cool_!"

No, git is not cool, it's necessary for crying out loud! Gitlab is cool but at the end of the day also just another tool too.

I guess I have some persuasion to do.

I don't know what version control has done to our boss that he has such a deep dislike for it.

Today I got my programming test back. 50/50 points. I only deserved 40 of them, since I wrote horrible code, so I told the teacher "I don't understand my points." His reply: "I also don't understand." I was laughing for at least 5 minutes 😂

Got inspired by a rant and got something to make my desk at work more green.
What should I name him/her?

"I want blah blah blah and I need it now! There's a commercial expression called TIME TO MARKET!"

And there's a programming expression called TIME TO DEVELOPMENT, you stupid brick.

What an I doing with my life? What's the meaning of all the efforts? What if I'll make a perfect own project?..

Oh, great, IDE is finally booted on!

Generating SQL scripts using Excel. That's the practice at my company.

DB/Systems teacher starts all his lists at 0

Why should we use CSS when we can just use "&nbsp" ?!

(Found at work...)

One of my colleagues at work has cooked up this amazing amazing method.. and guys brace yourself.. This code is on production..

So this just came up...

Hello, I'm new to devRant.
My name is Floydian, I just wanted to say:

console.log('Hello devRant');

Someone just rang the IT Helpdesk moaning that outlook wasn't syncing his mail and it was because the brand new laptop he's just gotten is crap.

So first, the guy on the helpdesk asked to log into the users laptop to look at outlook.
He apparently isn't at his laptop and doesn't have time for anyone to log in!
Wtf lol
So he rings back 10 mins later when at his laptop but wont let the helpdesk log in as he has 'confidential' documents open.

Wtf, close them, why are you ringing us to look at your laptop if you won't let us log on?? lol

So helpdesk was like ok, just check cat cable is plugged in, check wifi is off, do a send/receive etc. and the user's like yes, they're all okay!

Helpdesk tells him to reboot his pc. He does so.
Doesn't resolve it.
Skip forward another 10 painful minutes while the helpdesk guy is pulling his hair out checking everything in the background, and all looks fine.

User then says "should i also turn off my iPhone?"
Helpdesk: 'No, outlook is just on your laptop'.
User: 'No *assured laugh* its on my phone too. I get emails there too'
Helpdesk: 'No, you use the generic 'Mail' app on your phone. Outlook is a separate app. We don't use it.'
User: 'But you're not listening, regardless of the app name, that's my problem, mail's not working on my phone'.
Helpdesk: '.....so why didn't you say so 20 minutes ago when i asked to log into ur laptop?'

User: 'Didn't think it was relevant. Laptop was fine. Assumed you'd know'.

...........

Why.

Why???

Why.

Shockingly, a phone restart fixed it. The user couldn't remember the last time he'd turned the thing off.

Me: Making me work 17 hours without a 8 hour break is illegal.

Manager: You just sit at a damn desk all day and long shifts are required of IT

???????? Do you really think I just sit at my desk twaddling my thumbs?

A common scenario strikes again today:

- Blocked on a problem at the end of the day
- Tell my wife I'm headed home
- Inspiration strikes
- time flies by coding in the zone
- realize I'm super late
- run out the door like a crazy person

What the shit!!!

At 11:00
While studying
"ah... I'm sleepy, can't tolerate any more", and just go to bed.

At 11:05
While scrolling rants
"hahaha... So true, same happened with me.. bla bla...."

At 12:47
Doing same thing from last 1 hour 40 mins
Even not sleepy yet!!!

It's too addictive. Having so much good posts, much better than fb feeds.... Loving the rants... New experience

😜 arrays

Dear designers/project managers,

I am a developer. That means you don't have to explain simple programming concepts to me that you half know and think you fully understand as if I have never seen code before.

Save your breath and stop being so condescending. You don't know half as much as you think.

Thanks, from one annoyed dev.

CS graduates that have never gone beyond "Hello World", fuck college and it's "system".

So the actual victims of the story are friends of mine, CS colleagues, but I can't help but share as the existence of code freeloaders enfuriates me.

At college in order to graduate you need to present a project in form of a thesis a side from your actual thesis, there is a shortage of pre-approved projects and everyone wants one.

A talented friend of mine who has many years of programming experience got in one with another friend of mine and a lady who I've never seen before. One Saturday night my friend and I were having some beers at a local bar and his phone didn't stop beeping so I jokingly said:

"Bro, tell your girl you need some space", he laughed and explained it was the chick from her project having some "issues" with node.

"So? Tell her to google it, it's Saturday night", he explained the girl has never coded before even though she's about to graduate so she had take it upon herself to pressure him to finish ASAP so she can graduate and get an already agreed position at the federal energy commission... As dev!

I've seen my bud in a lot of dumb calls with said chick trying to explain how you CAN'T COMPILE THE NODE WEBSERVER TO A .EXE!

It frustrated me how such an idiot can go through a CS major buying homeworks and getting low self-esteem geeks to code for her. Then I realized that as an aspiring InfoSec guy, lazy idiots coding is good for business.

-could you please stop texting?
-it's called devRanting

To save server cost and developers' productivity, devRant should have an intentional downtime of 3 to 6 hours daily :3

I have been asked to teach a few things for newbies at work, without coding background.
I used the metaphore of pizza, empty pizzabox and no box for teaching NULL. I have read it here on Devrant, written by someone awesome of the community here.
My boss overheard me explaining it, and said that that was the most beautifull expanation of NULL he ever heard.
.......I was like: yaaay Devrant FTW!

Also newbies understood it instantly so kudos to you sir, original poster!

So the end of my college semester is coming up...

Hooray?

> be me
> create profile in dating app because pandemic rules make meeting people at irl events impossible
> match with cute girl
> start to talk about interesting stuff
> mention being a software developer
> her: 'pls help me I have a not activated windows 10 on my laptop and can't do stuff since the last update'
> fml

Unintentionally Hilarious joke at work yesterday.

We were doing some data analysis, and I had to dump some stuff into a table for my colleague. So I ran the script and went to the bathroom (no.2).

When I came back, they asked me if the dump is done. And I said without thinking: "I just went." 😂

ARGH. I wrote a long rant containing a bunch of gems from the codebase at @work, and lost it.

I'll summarize the few I remember.

First, the cliche:
if (x == true) { return true; } else { return false; };
Seriously written (more than once) by the "legendary" devs themselves.

Then, lots of typos in constants (and methods, and comments, and ...) like:
SMD_AGENT_SHCEDULE_XYZ = '5-year-old-typo'

and gems like:

def hot_garbage
magic = [nil, '']
magic = [0, nil] if something_something
success = other_method_that_returns_nothing(magic)
if success == true
return true # signal success
end
end

^ That one is from our glorious self-proclaimed leader / "engineering director" / the junior dev thundercunt on a power trip. Good stuff.

Next up are a few of my personal favorites:

Report.run_every 4.hours # Every 6 hours
Daemon.run_at_hour 6 # Daily at 8am

LANG_ENGLISH = :en
LANG_SPANISH = :sp # because fuck standards, right?

And for design decisions...

The code was supposed to support multiple currencies, but just disregards them and sets a hardcoded 'usd' instead -- and the system stores that string on literally hundreds of millions of records, often multiple times too (e.g. for payment, display fees, etc). and! AND! IT'S ALWAYS A FUCKING VARCHAR(255)! So a single payment record uses 768 bytes to store 'usd' 'usd' 'usd'

I'd mention the design decisions that led to the 35 second minimum pay API response time (often 55 sec), but i don't remember the details well enough.

Also:
The senior devs can get pretty much anything through code review. So can the dev accountants. and ... well, pretty much everyone else. Seriously, i have absolutely no idea how all of this shit managed to get published.

But speaking of code reviews: Some security holes are allowed through because (and i quote) "they already exist elsewhere in the codebase." You can't make this up.

Oh, and another!
In a feature that merges two user objects and all their data, there's a method to generate a unique ID. It concatenates 12 random numbers (one at a time, ofc) then checks the database to see if that id already exists. It tries this 20 times, and uses the first unique one... or falls through and uses its last attempt. This ofc leads to collisions, and those collisions are messy and require a db rollback to fix. gg. This was written by the "legendary" dev himself, replete with his signature single-letter variable names. I brought it up and he laughed it off, saying the collisions have been rare enough it doesn't really matter so he won't fix it.

Yep, it's garbage all the way down.

Hey look, now I have 256 bytes.

At 4pm, after 6 hours of work of migrating from mysql to mongodb...
I am drinking coffee with my team.
Boss, comes from somewhere and asks...

what do you all want? (What he meant was, go back to work you all)

One of my team member- (angry and agitated) says-- a comfortable sofa.

Holy fuck, i laughed my ass out.

Guess what happend next...

Dear self,

If you start a statement with “I think”, you do not have to also edit statement to add “in my opinion”. This is redundant and silly.

Sincerely,
Why are you so freaking timid?

Well, thanks Microchip!

This how every cluster-fuck begins..

11:45pm
I better go brush my teeth and do all my other things, to be safely and happily in bed with plenty of time to get a good night's sleep.

11:52pm
I am done doing those things. I sit back down in front of the computer to start closing apps to shut it down.

11:53pm
I get an idea to write a script to more effectively launch my remmina sessions with keywords in my keyboard launcher. It will take about ten minutes to write.

2:07am
The script is pretty much done, and I've done 37 quizzes on jetpunk.

I love this

This morning my girlfriend told me about the network at her school constantly disconnecting, to which I jokingly replied "So, it doesn't deserve candy". She came back with "But it's already asking for so many cookies"...

I was told in an 1:1, quite literally, "not everybody can do what they want to do if they are not good at it..." - get fucked! The person I had to "report to" was an idiot (at the same senior level as I was) and obviously threatened.

Then moved down to customer support, where I was fired for fixing problems faster than going through the chain of levels, because I was creating quick scripts to patch the faulty data.

To the guy who shits religiously at 2pm everyday and leaves the door open, making me have to stand up to put an end to the foul smell:

alert("FUCK YOU");

And what's most disturbing is that I've grown accustomed to his shit's smell.
Shit.

Sunday morning... Guess what? I'm at the FUCKING airport why you ask? Because I need to fly somewhere to school the stupid customer how to use our fucking app.

Instead I could sleep in my warm bed. Or write some code also in my warm bed. WHYYYYYYYY??!?!

Today I took an extra swig of idiot juice and deleted my /usr/lib directory in the first 5 minutes of the day.

Example of really really bad UX. The site consists of more than 50% of the footer and at least 10% of the header.

Whoever designed this shit deserves a shoe deep in his ass.

Sister: *walks up to me at my desk* Hey, I was wondering if you can undo what you did to the internet and put it back and make it work better in my room and also make it faster
Me: Sure

Yeah, I’ll get right on it and go hit the fucking magic button in the router settings called “enable extended range and make it go faster”.

Everything but UI/UX
Because I suck at it, lame but true, I love every kind of code, from MEAN and LAMPP to assembly, but when it comes to UI I just lack of the imagination and creativity to design something that looks averagely good.

I'd like a gin and tahnik, please

Ah, the joys of developing.. It's 5am, the world has gone quiet and I'm still wide awake, writing code like no other.. It's so peaceful! Who needs yoga when you can develop!

Seriously, look at this guy’s bloody phone. He’s not letting go of it, it’s been like this for ages. He’s got missing pieces of glass above the lcd, there are cracks all over, sellotape all over. At some point you gotta realise it’s affecting the user experience.

If you don’t want to get a new phone, at least have the screen replaced!!

Okay so here are a few lessons that I have learned from being an intern to a junior developer (who’s just 2 years out of college).
- every ninja engineer starts off as a noob. There’s nothing to be ashamed of if you don’t know “everything” about coding
- Respect everyone’s opinion (including the one that shouts your design is crap in a meeting). Don’t process them too much.
- leave things that happen at work, in the workplace
- Keep yourself up to date even after you’ve bagged the 100,000$ offer. Never.stop.learning.
- Be polite to your interns (been there). They look up to you and treat their juniors the way you treat them.
- Be honest. Including your tiny scrum updates. If you need more time, tell it. If you’ve screwed up something , own it up.
- Never blame or point fingers.
- Nothing is irreversible.(except things like sudo rm -rf/)
- There’s always a way out(of any mess).
- Respect what came before.
- Respect what comes after (before you push badly written code)
- It’s ok to point out mistakes but Be kind. (Else you’ll end up in someone else’s rant ;-) )

Predictions about internet in the early 2000's:
"This invention will help advancing science, research and access to knowledge and education".

Reality:
"LINUX IS SEXIST, HOMOPHOBIC, FASCIST .."

Hello devRant,

This is already from a few days ago but I had to process the whole thing myself first.

It was a normal day at work nothing special. Customers came in got their repaired PC's/Laptops and brought some new work in. So I went through some and then I got to the case that is the most well unbelievable and shocking I had in the only 2 years doing this. At first it was a normal HDD bad sector thing and I started copying the old HDD to a new one.

//NOTE: the program we use shows every file it's copying and the sectors it spans //

Suddenly I saw a weird thing happening where it started copying tons of files from a folder called "mature/kids" over to the new HDD.
I noted the path and after it finished we returned the laptop to the customer and he luckily left his old HDD with us. So my boss and I we did some investigation and we'll turns out the dude has a whole library of childpornography.

tl;dr check what you copied and report such cases to the police.

Don't do such stupid shit and stay legal guys.

Which you all a great day/night/morning/evening/whatever

//EDIT: I ofc won't post pictures cause of obvious reasons

So I was preparing for my project assessment at school when some business guy walks up to me asking if we were students here and if we were interested in doing "internet things" for his new business..

Avicii died. 😞😢
At just 28.

He got me through some tough and grueling times. I still use his tunes while coding. I'm still shocked that he left so early. But he made it count. He might've lived short but he lived large.
I'll miss him. I'm sad that he left so early. But his work will live on. I hope to become as good at programming computers as he was at using them to make music. His music was perfection. RIP.

Forty year old fathers squeeze in a quick beer on the way back from the grocery store while the kids are napping. Or at least this one does.

Two days ago I went to change an Nvidia driver on my Linux mint partition and it ended up breaking everything, all my fault because I'm so new to Linux, anyways to dig that hole deeper I looked for ways to fix it, found some random command that managed to destroy mint even more lol. I had no start menu and cinnamon kept going into recovery mode.

But the next day after spending time working through what to do I managed to fix it, I basically downloaded mintmenu again and uninstalled the graphics driver

All in all I think I've come closer to learning how fun Linux is, it was fun fixing what I broke rather than actually clean installing mint again.

Morale of the story: don't randomly use commands found on the net that has 3 upvotes lol

Just got my masters degree in AI
Now it's time to relax and work on my old old projects that i left 😊

There are two essential things to understand if you want to get along with me :
- Respect goes both ways. If you don't respect me I aint gonna respect you.
- Array starts at 0

I dream of meeting a programmer girl. I'm starting to think only programmers understand me, and therefore yadda yadda

Me: I want to learn Clojure
Me: But I need real tasks to learn
Me: OK, reconnecting device with wireless adb
Inner me: Are you kidding? 5 lines with bash
Me: In clojure it will be more elegant and faster to write similar tasks in future
*2 hours later*
Me: IT WORKS
Internal me: Really? This is ugly as fuck. And the only clojure feature it uses - sh and re-find
Me: But... It... Works... *cries*

Public announcement: if you build shitty software and get called out for it, either fix it and stand up for it, or fuck off. Nobody needs your idiotic passive aggressive tone.

Thank you

that moment as a sys admin when everything is in peace and you have nothing to do.
I usually go outside and get me a nice cup of coffee at a local cafe

today its a Latte Machiato with white chocolate

So we're working on a few initial apps for a hackercamp and finetuning the OS. We've been coding for like 17-18 hours trying to finish this off without a day 1 patch on the event itself, when someone starts swearing like a sailor. We walk past him take a look at his code and see that he's started an array at 3 instead of 0. He's one of the more experienced members on the team so this is a lack of sleep bug rather than a not knowing. To this day whenever someone makes an array error in their code someone always shouts "Arrays start at 3 right"!

Maybe not the most satisfying bugs but man is it funny as hell.

*problem*
Who's fault is it?

A) your fault

B) your fault

When the comment is longer/harder to understand than the actual code

Well fuck you too Farnell 🖕

Losing my passion towards programming... hope it'll return eventually, or I'll be fucked.

Rant. Always start debugging with the start point :p

We have a lamp with a dimmer.
A day, the dimmer make some noisy noise. Just down it and the lamp never bright again.

I open the dimmer, check all connection, bullshit what is wrong?
I decide to bypass the dimmer with a standard interrupter. But doesn’t work.
Finally.... I check the bulb 💡 and... burned...

Morality: if the bulb doesn’t work, check the bulb!
:p

When your boss resigns, so you have to learn everything he knows in 2 weeks... 😰

Oh my God...
A colleague of mine got an email. The email was badly translated into our language (probably Google translate was used) it said 'please open invoice attached'.
The anti-virus software successfully marked it as a virus, and did not allow my colleague to open attached 'invoice.exe' file.
Now by this point you would think that the person would just delete the email, but no. The colleague looked at me, and with the bitchiest voice said 'I got an invoice and can't open it after your anti-virus installation. Fix it!'
Needless to say, I had to explain, what a virus is and teach all the colleagues not to get hooked on scam mail... Took about 4 hours to explain this seemingly simple concept.
Fuck knows, how they did not nuke their IT infrastructure before I came here :/

I found this

!rant

I've been working for the last 5 months at this job and I'm getting promoted. My manager built a custom position after noticing my skills. I love my job. AMA!

There is a mark on the whiteboard hanging behind my desk that says:

"Days without people walking on <me> doing something weird"

Thus far. The head of the department has walked on me making fun of Indians(I make fun of everyone, my indian brothas from another mothas don't be upset, I particularly make fun of Mexicans), going on a monologue about how the white ranger rules supreme. Why Mario could totally destroy Mickey Mouse in a fight, why my manager is secretly in love with me(with her listening intently into my reasons) and singing the bad touch going "mimi"...dude just make mimi sound like words and you'll get what I mean.

Sometimes the dude just pauses by my desk to check if I am saying anything stoopid.

Work can be really funny sometimes.

What if Brian Kernighan was just trying to say "Hell O world" and we misinterpreted as hello world

(¬ω¬)

Python is such an amazing programming language. Look how easy it is to write business-logic for the production world. This snippet is used at YouTube HQ to process how the users think about the ads that are displayed every now and then, while the user is listening to music

Aah the feeling of going back home after finishing your assignment

When you're both a designer and a programmer at the same time

Building a pull request on our Build Server takes 14 hours, it can do about 10 builds at a time and there are already 26 builds in the queue and it isn't even 10am.

I've been waiting for a build since I queued it on Friday - because the queue is actually a stack.

And management / senior developers are like...

I’m so fucking sick and tired of !devs telling me how simple a feature should be to implement.

Like motherfucker the most complicated thing you’ve ever done with a computer is attempt (and fail) at working with tables in Microsoft Word and you’re trying to tell me how long a new feature/K8s architecture/noSQL aggregation should take to implement?

A monitor cable wiggling loose paralyses you for hours but I’m supposed to bow down to your understanding of what is causing a bug?

Currently playing "the IT guy" for my uncle. I'm supposed to "speed up" the laptop. It's a low tier Toshiba from about 5 years ago, that while idle sits at about 100% CPU usage and 80% RAM usage.
From what I can tell, it has NEVER been turned off since I set it up for him 4 years ago, or unplugged..

It's not really a rant but has anyone tried yoga? I absolutely love it after being stuck at my desk for hours and hours. Highly recommend giving it go! 😊

IIS is a piece of shit. Windows is for playing video games and looking at stupid memes, not for real work. Defenders say that wInDoWs SeRvEr Is PoWeRfUl REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, but it only appears powerful because microshit took all of the things that normal servers can do easily, split it up nonsensically, and hid it in bizarre places in an overdesigned and FUCKING CONFUSING set of config menus. No one can change my mind about this.

Told my GF she's my number 1.

... She wasn't happy finding out devs count from 0

My friends netspeed. Must be nice.... attached in the comments is what I’ve got to work with. It’s sad when my mobile hotspot is faster than my fucking wall connection.

Every deadline is impossible if you procrastinate it enough..

In lua, arrays starts at 1
What is this madness??

Who is down for a shower party?!

Yet again

If foo():
return True
else:
return False

Agrrr!!11

Idiots. Just... Fucking Idiots.

Junior Frontend dev got a feature to implement. Decided to add a field to a set of mongo collections. I'm the responsible adult for those collections. Talked to the junior - told it, "don't do that, you will lose the data you are adding later". Junior says "will not happen", and goes on to try and prove It is "Right". Problem? Junior is an Idiot. did not trigger the data loss scenario. So... Junior got his TL to talk to the RND manager. And those Idiots Decided that the implementation will go forward as is.

Data loss will happen. QA will not find it. Only the client will experience the data loss, and complain....

#10 year challenge is basically data set father for new ai which will predict how X looks after 10 years

Data mining at its best

Correct xD

Nothing good will ever come by looking at your old projects. It is the dev equivalent of reading your old social media posts.

Being woken up in the afternoon by a client phone call, mouse in hand and a long line of spaces in your code. The benefits of self employment.

I just saw the equalizer 2 at the cinema and about half way through there is a phone with "military grade encryption" on it. We see the phone screen showing the encryption and what is it? Freaking JQuery!

You asked for it--here it is.

It was a regular day in November--I was taking my dog out for a walk. We were walking past an elementary school when my dog started barking at a rock. I went to have a closer look at the rock when suddenly it vanished into thin air. "How strange" I quietly thought to myself, called out to my dog and carried on walking.

The next day at around the same time, at the very same place--next to the elementary school, my dog started barking at a log which lied in the exact same spot as the rock had occupied the day before. I did the same as I had done a day earlier--walked up to the log to check it out, but it vanished into thin air. We kept on walking.

The third day I decided we'd pick another route. This day, nothing interesting happened.

The fourth day went the same as the third.

The fifth day, went the same as the fourth.

On the sixth day, God was almost done with his works, for that reason we celebrated by going to the movies--me and my dog. To be fair, the only interesting thing that happened on that day was the movie, which was shit.

On the eight day when I got out of my bed I fell, broke my neck and died. And that's when I ate my code to make it shorter.

What if dfox and trogus were to have an AMA?🤔

Rant!

A colleague bought a mechanical keyboard to the office today.

Pro: if you miss a deadline you can blame that colleague.

Con: schizophrenia.

10 chapter book due in 5 days?

Oh well…

It's Sunday. A day for prayer. Today I am praying that others dont mess up the code base when I get to work on Monday. Amen.

Non-techie friend: Does Blu-ray Compact disc will be blue in color or contains blue films ( In India we use blue films to refer porn movies ) ?

Me: :/

My boss: Can you write something to append the product names with their descriptions?

Sure. Sure you want that?

Yes. Asap please.

Okay, I'll finish it this today.

*Done

Finished it, want me to publish this to production?

Yeah.

(One week later)

Did you put those name changes online?

Yes, why.

Oh damn, your co-worker, D. Trump, has changed a lot of the names so they index better on Google. You should check those kind of things before changing it online.

Right..

Concerns a few thousand products. Long story hah

Tldr; updated many product names overriding many hours of manual labour.

Found this gem today (and there is not anything else defined as "any") WTF are you kidding me? Some people should not be allowed to program

Nearly 30 days into my new job. Haven't done any coding.

Just a lot of paper pushing and meeting scheduling.

What do?

I said “furrowing his little mouth brow” because I forgot the word “frowning”.

English is my first and only fluently spoken language.

Now that most people at our company is working remotely at home, the worst thing is that everyone thinks I can somehow magically fix their home network..

I suspected that our storage appliances were prematurely pulling disks out of their pools because of heavy I/O from triggered maintenance we've been asked to automate. So I built an application that pulls entries from the event consoles in each site, from queries it makes to their APIs. It then correlates various kinds of data, reformats them for general consumption, and produces a CSV.

From this point, I am completely useless. I was able to make some graphs with gnumeric, libre calc, and (after scraping out all the identifying info) Google sheets, but the sad truth is that I'm just really bad at desktop office document apps. I wound up just sending the CSV to my boss so he can make it pretty.

The week where you have so much to do on different projects, that even if you manage to work on all od them a bit it feels like nothing has been accomplished.
The point of being so tired that even the mildest sickness feels rediculously awful.

And it's friday. I manged to do some work for one of my bosses but the work I want to do didn't really get done and now I have two meetings in which I can say I started doing xyz but couldn't finish it due to bugs and exhaustion. And for the other project I wrote documentation.
Well.
T_T

My boss gave us a spring framework assignment as a training. I did it in half the time required while my colleague was struggling with it. later on he asked me for help so i came to his desk and to my surprise here i am looking at my code and he managed to f*** it up. I don't mind taking my code but have the decency to say so. P.S: he accessed my pc over LAN from the run command

We have the funniest and weirdest conversations during lunch, most of them not dev related. Have been thinking about ranting them for a while now because they are just good fun.

The following one brought a bit of a discussion so It convinced me to post it because i would like to hear all of your opinions about this one:

Imagine that one day you come home and there is a (deep) clone of yourself having sex with your wife, what would you do?

We got divided into 3 groups mostly.
Group one would send him away and let him life his own life.
Group two would make use of the fact that there are 2 of them.

Group three would murder him, the explanation Why Was quite interesting, because it was the first instinct of them, it would also have been from the clone, that's why that had to.

Again I would like to hear what you all would do :)
Maybe if this one does okay I will post more stories

MYSQL has gone away.....😔

Client calls screaming they want to go live today.

And oh yeah they also want three morebpaymentbgatways integrated before that.

The documentation is scarce and we never used them before.

Got it on the table 4h before day ends.

Awesome!

Such beautiful. Much wow.
I am sick of this shit.
Yet another tour bus company fails to serve a website for tourists to reserve a seat ffs.
Tried the mobile version first. The UI looked awesome, but I could not reserve a seat. I could only see free and already reserved seats.
"Fuck you" I tought. Let us try it by changing user agent to desktop.
Now the UI sucks camel pussy, but the functionality works. Well... not so well. I want to sit at the most right corner to avoid people who keep going to WC or have other ADS syndroms thus interrupting my fucking sleep once every 30 minutes.

It's not like we needed this information board anyway, to help us monitor our servers, tickets and calendar.

Thats some microsoft quality!

Fuck these languages which have their array index starting at 1
Yes R, I'm talking about you.

This week at work I spent 20 hours debugging automated tests to avoid manual testing that would've taken a few hours.

Remember to exercise kids!

My back is dying. Work equipment is great, but at home my posture is screwed from my chair not going high enough and my desk being too high for my arms to be parallel.

What the fuck is even this?!

The empty fucking box in the middle!

I am not even angry now. Just frustrated. I have encountered so many visual bugs in iOS now. This is my first iPhone. Tim Apple doesn’t want retain me.

iOS: A beautiful looking OS that shits at times.

So my boss yells at me for texting right after she finished her text. Not sure if I wanna throw back the sass at her.

Just had my first issue raised on my GitHub project!

Not sure if that's a good or a bad thing...

Wasted 2 days working on an obj (3d model) exporter….messed up meshes … missing faces … despair build after build …

And then the realization: Vertices in obj are 1-indexed.
…
..
.
FUCK
nobody learned anything from the array start at 1 meme

How many of you wear shades at work?

I started doing it after I faced some problems due to the extremely bright lights. It's such a complicated problem that no one in the management or admin team can do anything about it. 🙄

If anyone looking to start learning blender because of any reason (like being a masochist among others), check out blederguru's tutorials.
The guy is doing God's work. At least animation Gods. Funny, awesome & detailed content.

The IT policy at my company is down right ridiculous. You’re required admin rights to fucking move desktop shortcuts to the trash, all chrome extensions and almost anything you download from the internet is a ‘virus’, good luck getting driver support for external devices.

Finally over this sickness I think. Time to start coding again :)

I need to encrypt some large files at rest and then decrypt them immediately prior to processing.

App and files are on a Linux system (CentOS). App is in C. Machine is controlled by a third party.

What encryption libraries would you recommend? And, is there any clever way of managing the decryption key beyond compiling it in the code and doing some basic obfuscation?

Are they fancy obfuscation libraries out there, for example?

And, the reason I'm not going to SO (well, one reason) is that I don't want to have 50 answers that tell me that's it's impossible to 100% protect data on a machine you don't control. This I understand---just looking for "best effort" solution.

try {
thesis.defend();
} catch(TimeoutException reached) {
thesis.attack();
throw new Thesis aimedAt(theProfessorsFaces);
}

STOOOOP TELLING ME THE TABLE DOESN'T EXIST. YOU'RE FUCKING SUPPOSED TO CREATE THE DAMN TABLE NOT TELL ME IT DOESN'T EXIST! YOU FUCKING DID IT AT HOME ON MY DESKTOP SO WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

!rant seems that my raspberry pi serial idea is a little bit complex at the moment and may take a more serious turn later, but I have studied and found DOS based TCP/IP software that will allow me to use my 5150 with actual Ethernet. There are a few 8bit ISA Ethernet cards that will work in the 5150 and separate executables that will configure DHCP, DNS, and even allow me to use a terminal emulator and SSH to connect to *nix based computers over lan! I'll keep you all posted!

If corporate always bothers that they can't find any female dev to hire, then encourage them to look into femboys!

!rant

I'm sitting in my RV and it's been raining for two days almost non-stop.

Is there anything more wonderful than rain falling on the roof of the car? I love that sound. Nightly silence and rain.

Umaru-chan and Teddy would like to wish you all a Happy Valentine's

I am on eat..!

Soooo....,fellow Devranters,some moron just sent a PR with just an added space.....
Idiots never cease to exist

In Matlab, arrays really do start at 1!!!

Fucked up.

Reviewed a code and gave ship it for a colleague's code change.

In a single day, got high severity ticket cut to the team.

I am done. Not going to do anymore code reviews. I suck at it.

tomorrow is finally the last day of a 2.5yr odyssey at the worst client project ever in my 20yr work life. I have the feeling that I have lost at least 10 years of my life there. I suffered from immense boreout, followed by a burnout and I will take 6 month off now in hope to recover from that.

If you're not at Codemash 2017, you're wrong!

Awkward, but the only possible way.
Either I didnt figure it out or shame at Apple, this is not a good way to handle this.

Ooh. Here's a "deep" one.

For the self thought/online learners, at what point did you consider yourself an "actual" developer and felt ready to go out and apply for jobs and stuff?

And what challenges/reactions did you face?

is it blasphemy to sit in office and use devRant??

No brain. Half 11 at night is not a good time to learn a new programming language. Please be quiet so I can get some sleep and go back to working on really boring things tomorrow without being grumpy about it

Windows 10 why you turn on my PC at night and then doing your restart for update AND AFTER THAT YOU CANT HIBERNATE PC LIKE IT WAS? YOU DUMBASS IM SLEEPING RIGHT NEXT TO THAT BEAST. I WANT SILENCE. Linux users pls rant with me. Thank you devrant, now I can go to sleep after sharing my frustration.

I always forget
To take my afternoon meds
Took night by mistake
😅

Been at it inconsistently for two weeks and a few days now. Hitting approx 30 wpm with dvorak! Starting to slowly integrate it into my daily work. I'm on my way to becoming ambitextrous. 😎

"Holy shit, my computer is laggy, what's taking this much ressources?"
> top
"Holy shit why the fuck is Java even running? Let's kill this son of a bitch"
> kill -9 <process>
> Rubymine closes

I'm a fucking idiot.

I remember the promise I made to myself when I dropped out of university to look for work.

"I'll explore different areas of software engineering since I like a number of them. But never shall I ever do backend web development"

Guess what job I landed.

Is there anyone else who's working for a company regardless of day and nights? Holidays or working days? And still get the old shitty pay?

Fuck this job I want to resign but can't do it because of financial problem.
damn I'm hating this situation.

do anybody know how can we build freelance profile how much time it takes?

Anyone else like... REALLY bad at algorithms and logic stuff?

I just hate them so much.

Tell me to build something and gg done. But all these tests for jobs freak me out.

Like. It probably ends up being something simple and when it's explained I know what to do but at first I just instantly shut down and can't think.

I hate extremist to the point where I became an extremist of hating the extremist.

If life is as simple as 1 and 0, we won't even be fucking evolved and alive till this far.

Every story has different perspectives. Different motives. Is it Kingslayer the one to blame? Is it the Queen's fault? Or was it Little Finger?

We look at one piece of the puzzle and we talk and talk and talk. Well not only do we like to talk our own thoughts out loud, we like to persuade others to join our thoughts. Just like what I'm doing now.

Does this all sound simple as 1 and 0?