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Twice today I've spoken up in meetings and was totally ignored. I guess my idea wasn't even worth a reply? :-/
Five minutes later: oh, right, I forgot I'd muted myself.
- @bradfitz21 -
Lady calls me asking for help with her website.
First thing she does is trash all FIVE of her previous developers for "never completing the project."
No, thank you. Take your crazy somewhere else. Buhbye.4 -
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years working in this company?
(The company shut down after 2 years.)6 -
Client : Hey make me five page website with blabalabla blabla blabla blablablablablabla that should be easy for you! for 10$?
me : for 10$ i can create a new folder and thats it and i am not gonna call it project i will name it asdaddaddadsas!15 -
I just gave a 20 minute presentation in front of fifty people, and apparently did well enough that I got five private compliments afterwards, including one from the vice president. 🥳
And all of that without a single drop of rum!17 -
Me - "Has anyone changed the password on the print computer"
Him - "It's the same one."
Me - "Carrots99?"
Him - "Yeah, what's the message that comes up?
Me - "Password is incorrect."
The dumbest conversation I've ever had in my fucking life. You little shit, I know you changed the password just to fuck with people. You've been reading too many books on elevating yourself, tried to be important for something. It means fuck all if you can't remember what you changed it to. So you held up two hours of my work, not to mention everyone else, because you can't help but stick your beak in shit. You dont think people can't see what youre doing? Watching you scurry over to the computer with a big smile, only a to fuck off silent as a mouse not to be seen mumbling some shit about a system administrator. Yeah you forgot it you prick.
Stop sucking up to the boss, and commanding people on what to do, when you're as junior as junior gets. Don't change our fucking passwords, just so you can have the whole team approach you the next day asking for you, then not remember them. You cunt.13 -
*after 2 hours of programming*
Me to me: you can watch one episode of [some series]!
Me to me after that episode: just one more couldn't hurt for once!
...............
...............
...............
*five hours later*
Me: "what am I doing with my life 😭
This happens too fucking damn often 😫11 -
At a club because other people wanted to and I was wondering why I hated them...
They're still playing the same mainstream bullshit as five fucking years ago, drunk people everywhere and so on.
Someone please get me out of here 😥15 -
HOSTEL WOULDN'T NOTIFY ME ON THE MAIL BUT LET SOME MOTHERFUCKER STEAL IT AND LEAVE THE COVER RIGHT THERE 😡
WAITED FIVE FUCKING MONTHS FOR THIS 🤒
22 -
Fresh out of college?
Entry-level?
Apply Here!
Junior Web Intern: 16k A Year!
Basic Requirements: HTML, CSS, JavaScript, Node, Angular, JQuery, Bootstrap, Backbone, Handlebars, D3, p3, CMS (WordPress, Wixx), PHP, Java (Android), C++(iOS), openframeworks, openGLSL, Cinder, failed at least two startups, 8086 assembly language.
Recommended requirements:
Git version control
Agile development
Must be able to display example of each requirement.16 -
My 4yo monster just randomly told me:
"Mommy! One plus two plus three plus four plus five equals fifteen!"
I'm so proud.
And really surprised 🤔
I've been teaching him basic math (adding and subtracting numbers 0-20), but haven't gone beyond two operations / three numbers.10 -
How to ask him/her out
Dev 101
You:
Do you know there are five different flavored coffees around the world?
Your crush:
No
You:
(Recite the names of all 5)
Your crush:
Okay
You:
The question is:
When are you going to have one with me?
;)26 -
Imagine being me, an intern at Google and having to work with Google Drive on something with a deadline in five hours.
You have three guesses - when did all Google servers go down in Central Europe? Yeah. I missed my deadline.
7 -
It would be really FUCKING great if NodeJS or mysql could give me a FUCKING shout or ERROR MESSAGE when one of the parameters I'm giving is not the RIGHT FUCKING DATA TYPE INSTEAD OF THROWING A RANDOM ERROR THAT DOESN'T INDICATE A WRONG MOTHERFUCKING DATA TYPE. Five FUCKING hours of debugging later.16
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Fuck me. I just posted a huge post on StackOverflow with images and huge puddles of code everywhere because I had been stuck since yesterday and five FUCKING minutes after asking, I read the code on the website (Pretending to be an outsider solving my own problem) and find the FUCKING TYPO.11
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Today I got told to stop using a repo and work directly from the FTP server.
Today sucked. That is all12 -
Completely losing my shit over a 'class Predis\Autoloader already defined' error.
Just noticed that I already created the object five lines up
How fucking retarded am I?! I mean, I've been debugging this for a WHOLE FUCKING HOUR.
Let's just blame it on the alcohol 😅7 -
Me: So, I need stay focus on my open source projects to get some GitHub stars...
Five minutes later ...
Me: oh look new movies on Netflix !
Daaaamn !!!1 -
One of my coworkers made an R2D2 for his friend's wedding (it was the ring bearer). It took five 3D printers working around the clock for three solid months.
4 -
I haven't checked my work email in a month or two.
We use slack, so every time someone needs me they just message me there or text me. It works nicely. I also dislike email in general.
Anyway: I looked at my inbox this morning, and again just now. I've gotten just over 900 emails today.
Why?
Tons of useless alerts on a shoddy as hell codebase. As an example: Every time a coworker uses a tool or lookup with a sub-par query, it ties up the single shared database long enough to generate response time alerts.
As a better example, there are many many many informational alerts that intentionally begin with "500 Internal" specifically to trigger an email alert. Why? I guess they were useful at some point?
There's just so much to fix...
And I guess I don't care enough.
On the bright side: this gives me a great reason to ignore my email!6 -
John von Neumann once said: "With four parameters I can fit an elephant, and with five I can make him wiggle his trunk."
We took it literally
4 -
Fuck yeah!!! After five days of fiddeling round in assembly without any sort of tutorial finally, im there :)
16 -
Pretty sure someone already posted it here, but I don't have the patience to check. Just want to share it.
Source: https://towardsdatascience.com/five...
1 -
Came to work and there ware my boss and CEO waiting there next to my place.
"Hey, you remember that you mentioned yesterday that you had a break through and the thing is finally starting to do something? We have few journalist downstairs can we show them a demo in like five minutes?"
"Ok, give me five minutes and don't click here and there otherwise it blows up."
My boss came back from presentation after ten minutes that it doesn't work, after little investigation turns out to be hw issue, replaced hardware went to the conference room and it worked.
Crazy deadlines? No, just another day at work. -
Yesterday in a job interview the guy asked me at least five times if I knew how to program in XML.... FOR GOD SAKE DO YOUR HOMEWORK!!!4
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Mom bought me this mousepad... Written in visual basic...
What's worse is that the code has five lines that have been commented out
5 -
I find it od that 3 of the most hated languages on devrant are part of the top five most in demand languages?
🤔
37 -
Congratulations? For fucking what. So you built a wix website. Now youre a web developer and the whole world knows it, my services aren't needed anymore.
Congratulations you bypassed half a decade in 50 hours a week of coding, then you have the bone and fucking marrow of emailing me because your like buttons are causing users to create a new instagran account. Good one kid.3 -
That moment when you're watching something NSFW on the internet and your boss enters the room.
And that moment later when you click the minimze button and the browser freezes for five seconds.6 -
My bosses have estimated 5 (five!) days to start & finish a corporate website (no wordpress) for one of our clients.
However, we don't even have images and texts :)
This will be funny5 -
Woooo! Closed on a new home today, and it's ours. 2500 Sq ft, 4 bedrooms, huge farm kitchen. Five minute walk from a trailhead for a trail that runs along the shore of Lewisville Lake. Same commute to work. I'm happy.6
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Just refactored 100+ lines of madness to 5 (FIVE!) lines of code. It's pleasing me and shitting me off at the same time.
Some people still get paid per line of code, I'm convinced.21 -
We were in a college group. Five people. Making project in PHP. Some forced us to use cakePHP framework than left. One guy decided to not participate and decited to do it next year. One guy didn't know PHP at all. The two of us have to do all the work for five people.
On the presentation day we have ten minutes to do it. Guy without PHP knowledge forget password for our app, make three wrong guesses and locked us out of our app for five minutes.2 -
The worst part about being totally in the zone: looking up after a hour or five and realizing you really really really really need to pee. And knowing that as soon as you get up it’s all over. 😭7
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"Shit, redefined."
"Shit, reinvented"
"One shit to rule them all!"
"A new era of bullshit"
"The world's 1st portable pile of shit!"
-> Typical Kickstarter slogans...
Seriously I found at least five campaigns using them! Wtf how uncreative can you be!?5 -
My GF said today that she had a dream where someone took her laptop, deleted elementaryos and installed windows. She was so infuriated and enraged that she woke up, and it took her like five solid minutes to realize that it was just a bad dream, and her Linux is safe.
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Isn't it lovely when someone wants feature X and Y and one is five minutes (and mostly CSS) and the other one is hundreds of hours of backend code.
"I don't want to know, just make it happen. Jeez how hard can it be, it's just a new button"4 -
Me - "I need to find the children"
CTO- "Okay. How many?"
It takes about 10 minutes to realize the conversation you just had1 -
I left for lunch early to drive five miles away to an abandoned parking lot so that I could cry about an email I received... this week has been fantastic.10
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The struggle is real:
"Honey, it's five in the morning. Go to bed!"
"But mom, I am programming this-"
"GO TO BED NOW!!!"
"Damn mom, chill. I'm going now" -
I once forgot to lock a cronjob, which dispatched queued text messages. Some people received the same message ~five times. I wasted around 4000 EUR in total ... :(1
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Ever have one of those days that you want to high-five people? With a chair? In the face? That is the day I'm having now. Mondays suck.4
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Five years learning how to build normalized information schemas to end up designing denormalized DBs.1
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“Yes Haskell is my favorite language, so elegant yet so powerful, a pure form of expression of my complex thoughts”
*proceeds to code nothing but crappy hacky CRUDs in php5.4 for five years straight*
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To not waste time, let's just commit my work and put the message as ".....". Oh, and let's do that dozens of times.
---
One day we had to git bisect his work and found that. Then, obviously, we asked him "what the commit with five dots do?" he said that there was a a lot of them, and i proceeded to explain why it was a bad idea to not write a proper commit message.
He is a good dev, so he understood and started to write what the commit does, instead of five dots.3 -
Hi DevRant, the last five years I've been repairing old computers for people who should really upgrade but rather stick to their beloved IE8. I'm sure we'll be friends!
-
When you give a Deep Learning scientist a clean whiteboard.
This is literally 5 minutes into the second section of the class 😂😂
4 -
Threaded API Calls, or rather:
How I killed five server instances in one shot..
Creating 50000 Threads sounds like a good idea in general, the bad part starts when you use start() in a for loop to run them all at once.
No further comments your honor...7 -
/* My Three Wishes */
1. Nvidia starts fucking supporting the linux community with open source mainlined drivers that support GBM.
2. All five eyes countries apply some proper privacy protection laws. Other countries would be appreciated.
3. 5G and other core future tech standards are implemented under open firmware/hardware that can be reviewed and reproduced.
Please monkey paw this3 -
"took you long enough" gave me a computer at five - was programming at 6, learned Python and Ruby by 10.3
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Have a whiteboard next to your office position. Keep your To Do list there and update every day/half day.
PM can just pass and see status. Maybe ask for clarification. Never takes more than five minutes. Both me and him are pleased.4 -
Coding competitions.
Expectations: a period of intense coding, satisfaction from solving problems, finding neat solutions.
Reality: five FUCKING HOURS spent staring at the screen doing literally nothing, because none of your ideas would fit the time limit and you have NOT A SINGLE FUCKING CLUE WHERE TO EVEN START.
#LookAtHowMuchFunI'mHaving6 -
My friend after five tries:
<p>yeuahhhhh bitchessss</p>
Also my friend:
Whew, that was hard. At least now I'm officially a hacker2 -
So a little story about finding your way. I worked at an IoT software firm, very well established. I had a hard time with the on boarding process due to some factors, and I must have lagged behind their mental schedule for my growth. It was clear nonetheless that I was a quality coder and had made some friends there.
It wasn’t enough for the ensuing corporate bullying. It went by and I took it. I became the yes man just so I don’t frustrate anyone enough to turn away my ask for help. This made things worse and before long, I a grown man went to visit my mum and all but cry at how small I felt, after all my hard work getting to the company.
I felt sick with failure but I knew I couldn’t go back. I emailed my resignation and dropped off my company laptop.
4 months later I am working at a medical startup with my own projects, that I have 100% control over. And the quality of my work and ethic is pleasing upper management in all the right ways. I’ve never been happier, and there are barely any perks on paper. No free lunches on Thursdays or discounts at the local high street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life because I said NO to feeling or being treated any less than I worked and progressed to be.
Don’t let other people stop your potential for their own ego, or any other reason. 😊 -
PHP is the Fidel Castro of programming languages; after all Castro outlived five US presidents who ordered his assassination. And of course, like reports of Mark Twain’s death being exaggerated, it’s patently absurd to call a language that powers 80% of the web dead.3
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Dear new devs/me five years ago:
Practice the 30 second rule-- Whatever brilliant thing that your about to say, just think on it for minimum of 30 seconds. Is it still a brilliant idea? Then share. Else trash it 😉 -
You returned from your five-day vacation you spent in the mountains. You’re exhausted, but you feel awesome. After all, you climbed Mount Hood all alone, all by yourself.
As phones die in freezing conditions, you took pictures with your camera, that amazing views from the mountain peak, and everything on your way there.
You connect your camera to your PC. You open the pictures folder and realize the photos you took are gone. Instead, there are just five pictures.
Pictures of you. Sleeping in your tent.
9 -
on the first day of christmas my PM send to me
There's a bug in your B-tree
on the second day of christmas my PM send to me
two threads deadlocked
and a bug in your B-tree
On the third day of christmas my PM send to me
Three servers crashing
two threads deadlockd
and a bug in my B-Tree
on the Fourth day of Christmas my PM send to me
Four clients angry
Three servers crashing
two threads deadlocked
and a bug in my B-tree
on the Fith day of Christmas my PM send to me
Five SCRUM meetings
Four clients angry
Three servers crashing
two threads deadlocked
and a bug in my B-tree
On the sixth day of Christmas my PM send to me
Six deadlines waiting
Five SCRUM meetings
Four clients angry
Three servers crashing
two threads deadlocked
and a bug in my B-tree
on the Seventh day of Christmas my PM send to me
Seven machines learning
Six deadlines waiting
Five SCRUM meetings
Four clients angry
Three servers crashing
two threads deadlocked
and a bug in my B-tree
on the Eighth day of Christmas my PM send to me
Eight repos compiling
Seven machines learning
Six deadlines waiting
Five SCRUM meetings
Four clients angry
Three servers crashing
two threads deadlocked
and a bug in my B-tree
on the Ninth day of Christmas my PM send to me
Nine interns asking
Eight repos compiling
Seven machines learning
Six deadlines waiting
Five SCRUM meetings
Four clients angry
Three servers crashing
two threads deadlocked
and a bug in my B-tree
on the Tenth day of Christmas my PM send to me
Ten Features requested
Nine interns asking
Eight repos compiling
Seven machines learning
Six deadlines waiting
Five SCRUM meetings
Four clients angry
Three servers crashing
two threads deadlocked
and a bug in my B-tree
on the Eleventh day of Christmas my PM send to me
Eleven products deploying
Ten Features requested
Nine interns asking
Eight repos compiling
Seven machines learning
Six deadlines waiting
Five SCRUM meetings
Four clients angry
Three servers crashing
two threads deadlocked
and a bug in my B-tree
on the Twelve day of Christmas my PM send to me
Twelve DBs updating
Eleven products deploying
Ten Features requested
Nine interns asking
Eight repos compiling
Seven machines learning
Six deadlines waiting
Five SCRUM meetings
Four clients angry
Three servers crashing
two threads deadlocked
and a bug in my B-tree3 -
if I would have got as many right swipes on tinder as likes of devrant I would have ten gfs five wives and lot of kids4
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So yesterday terminals for clocking in and clocking out where installed at a customer. In the evening I got a call, telling me, that only one of five terminals works. I tried to figure out the problem and finally the customer asked me, if maybe every terminal would need an individual IP adress.5
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FUCK YOU if your IDE IS TOO FUCKING BAD TO LOAD MY FUCKING 300 LINES C# PROJECT IN FIVE MINUTES WHAT THE FUCK2
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I ran out of milk, so used a five second squirt of ‘cream’ for my coffee this morning. That’s ok right, normal behaviour? All this COVID-isolation isn’t getting to me..? 😆
18 -
Twenty five goddamn minutes finding an incorrect quote mark in a bloody massive query of mySQL, I need a beer.1
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Me: "How many MB of files do you want to send me via mail? Maybe it would be better to upload everything..."
Client: "Oh don't worry. It won't be to much. It's just five folders."5 -
Tomorrow is friday and I have to deliver five big releases for two projects, because they were scheduled this week. And afterwards I'm gone for vacation.
And I don't care the slightest little bit.2 -
DigitalOcean, beyond doubt
You might argue that having everything in a single place is bad, but having domain management right next to my servers is really nice. Spinning up new VMs with just a few clicks, and then being able to take it down again five minutes later is a blessing.9 -
!dev
Yes! I just managed to play Take Five by ear with the exact chords. Might not sound like a lot, but this have been a milestone I've always wanted to reach. Yay!4 -
Navigating Directories with PowerShell, coursemates staring and thinking I'm a badass hacker. Their reaction when a directory not found generates five lines of bright red jargonized line in the console and I just nod slowly as if I'm understanding something deep 😂😂4
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Proud moment this week. Have been making my first contribution to Open Source software. And a huge project too. I hope it will long continue :)2
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This kid on the tape is me. I'm not even two years old there and I'm already messing around with wires.
Five minutes later on that tape I figured out how to turn the vacuum cleaner on and tried to tie it to the cassette deck.
No wonder why I'm a programmer now 😂
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»The European Commission has revealed it is considering a ban on the use of facial recognition in public areas for up to five years.
Regulators want time to work out how to prevent the technology being abused.«
https://bbc.com/news/...12 -
Coding without propper dev-ops:
These are the shittiest five lines I've ever read in my life!
Yeah, force push it to master!5 -
Me buying toys:
Stranger: (coy oooo) "How old is he?"
Me: "ooh. He's turning 23 this month"
Stranger: "months?"
Me: "years."
Five minutes later in the same store meets stranger again.
Me: "Wanna come to my birthday party?"3 -
Can interviewers PLEASE stop asking cliche and terrible questions??
Interviewer: "Where do you see yourself in five years?"
Me: "Not with you guys obviously, you dumb piece of shit."
That's what I'd like to say to them at least... :/7 -
Our "intern", who is working here about ONE-POINT-FUCKING-FIVE YEARS with web front- and backend, just asked me how it is best to create a link from one page to another page and sending an additional parameter.
Oh boy...8 -
Twitter emails are the nastiest shit somebody could have ever thought of, theres atleast five million variations of emails: suggestions, you missed these tweets, ... and every single one has to be unsubscribed via its own link, you can't just fucking unsubscribe from all its bullshit2
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I haven't touched my laptop for five days (because I've been sick) and now that I'm better, I've been making so many typos and I can barely type. It's like I'm learning touch typing all over again.
-
Am i obsessed with security?
No Way!
Does my laptop need five seconds to calculate the aes-key for the program I'm working on, because I've set the hash-parameters unreasonable high ?
Maybe.3 -
My father showed me MS Paint when I was five years old or so, and I still remember I thought it was incredibly awesome.3
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"This needs to go into production NOW"
Five hours later...
"That fix is on production now"
"Thanks, did you fix that other bug on production? We need it fixed now" -
Internships in BLOCKCHAIN
Required skills at least five among:
C++, Java, Java Script, Python, Solidity, Simplicity, PHP, Ruby, Rust, GO, C#, CX, Rholang, Scilla, Vyper.
Why do they expect so much? 🙄4 -
Just been hired as a mid level developer for an IoT company. With considerable benefits and pay increase!
YES!! -
Five or six years ago I was mining bitcoin. I was among first miners. I had a lot of bitcoin. I sold most of btc for 1$ or under to buy laptop so I can code. Bitcoin price was 1200$ at one point. I paid my laptop 300.000$. I am now senior dev. Fck money.5
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My phone is speed capped to 64 kbit/s download. The only app which loads it's content in under five minutes is DevRant...1
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This morning... Five hours of theoretical lesson of informatics, systems and networks!! :)
Let's Go! 💪2 -
Still have work to do on this one, but just in case I f*** up the shading, here’s the work in progress. Took me literally five attempts to get the whole quote done. Kept running out of space or writing the wrong word. *shakes fist*
6 -
Me: I get physically uncomfortable in meetings that last more than an hour.
Software Architect: This meeting is going to take four hours but don’t worry it’ll feel like forty five minutes.6 -
Today I bought some parts at Conrad Electronics (they have a blue logo) and wore a blue shirt.
I got asked for technical support a total of five times.😅6 -
@$&#! Grrrr... FACEBOOK API SUCK, A FUCKING CATASTROPHE, TEN POUNDS OF SHIT IN A FIVE POUND BAG... !#&$@
That's it, thanks for listening, i'm out. 🙃5 -
Took a devops position for a friend who needed help managing a small datacenter.
Five months of writing nothing but yaml for ansible. I'm about to go mad...1 -
Just got Caffiene/energy drink vapes and they work like a charm within like five minutes. Productivity 💯 sleep 035
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When you find an extremely cool SQL query online but instead of returning the high-five your wife turns around and walks away, shaking her head mumbling1
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I've reinstalled android studio five timed… today. on a chromebook, 4gb, ram. but 16gb ssd. it has no regard for storage whatsoever.1
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I really have to say, huge props to the shutdown speed of Mint. This thing shuts down in less than five seconds.2
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Yeah these fucking assholes lost a 300 pound gaming chair at my local depot for 3 weeks where I eventually got a refund from Amazon. I ordered a USB desk fan for the heat off ebay, yeah these fucking cunts delivered it to my workplace at 9pm.
Guess who is building my companies new ecommerce platform, where I am currently integrating the shipping options. Fuck off Yodel.7 -
Five interviews and challenges later and I’m told they won’t be going further with me.
Over month of my life. Finally thought this was the one. But oh well. Depression.
I officially quit being a dev.
It’s been rad y’all.12 -
Duolingo used to be better. New updates and restrictions are shit. Specially the whole "take a heart away for a mistake, five mistakes and you can't use the app for hours". Like, I get it, you couldn't manage the traffic. But this is ridiculous. Also, where did the lesson overviews go?9
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"Someone studied rich people for years and this is the five habits you should start having"
FFS, if I read this headline one more time...5 -
Shower thought:
The anti-procrastination-technique "If it only takes five minutes or less, do it right now" is basically "Shortest Job First" for Real Life3 -
Please, please, please stop cornering me at the water cooler and asking me about work. This is my break.. I can answer your question in five minutes when I’m back at my desk. Thanks.4
-
Some nice comments about how fucked up is the world of Android development.
Sometimes I feel like a clown having to pass though Google's hoops that change every five minutes. 🤡
4 -
i had a 2-day, sat & sun, coding contest on codingame, but after coding for 24h my mother called me and said that her brother (and my uncle) died from alcoholic addiction
i did not commit my solution on that contest and now, for already five years, i'm afraid of participating in any similar contests2 -
At the moment I'm working on a project where every line of code is actually garbage. However, the client insists on continuing to use ZF1.
Zend_Locale is a mess. I've been sitting on it for five hours and nothing's working.8 -
I can't share details of ongoing research projects (NDA-esque) which is frustrating because I do want to rant about them.
Let's it just be said I'm frustrated with ROS and packaged built on top of it about five times a week.7 -
Me: okay, just gonna look on devRant for five minutes then get ready
Me: *goes to recent tab*
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Me: *sees my own rant posted a day ago*
FUCKKKKK IM GONNA BE LATE WHY THE HELLL AM I STILL WRITIBG THIS OK SHIT SHIT SHTI3 -
Picked up stress braiding as a habit. Had a full loop Tuesday and after being unable to sleep more than two hours that night, found myself braiding my hair. For five hours. Straight. Was too lazy/tired to undo it, so went to bed with my hair braided. (My hair tends to stay without help, so I didn’t use hair ties or anything)
Today, I remembered that if something takes you five hours to do, it’s going to take you a while to walk it back. Took a couple hours.
Now I look like a poodle.
6 -
Just wondering... anyone else think having a script automatically kill gradle if it runs for more than X amount of minutes would be a great sanity saver?
"Jesus Fucking Zombie Christ I only added ONE FUCKING TEXTVIEW IN A SIMPLE GODDAMNED LINEAR LAYOUT YOU WORTHLESS MOTHERFUCKING PIECE OF SHIT AND GRADLE IS STILL RUNNING AFTER FIVE MOTHERFUCKING MINUTES?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!"1 -
Today I spilt a glass of water onto my palm. As I was shaking the hand of a senior executive. He looked at me in disgust as our hands squelched together.
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When three out of your five classes at school have to deal with computers or programming you almost want to go to school5
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Look at this guy. He can barely talk but already be messing with some tech stuff.
I remember myself from the age of five. I remember two things: how they asked me how old I was and I looked at my hand showing all five fingers and that I always knew I’ll be doing something tech when I grow up.
4 -
Badass scenario:
Professor: writes a loop to sum up first five numbers and asks the output.
Me: 500
Other random student: 15
Prof praises him.
He runs the code.
Output: 500 ( internal server error)
(He had a missing semicolon) 😅6 -
Dear Colleagues. Stop saying iOS (i-oohs). It's (i-oh-es). You don't call it fucking windows ooohs. You sound like fucking idiots to our clients1
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My mother and my stepdad spent all their money on themselves. They even went to Finland once, not bringing me with them, and do you know what they brought me as a present? A bottle of dish soap. I was the one to wash all dishes for the family of five.
Yeah.13 -
I went on a coding tear last week, probably because my boss was on vacation. I optimized the bejesus out of a half dozen apps and created five or six new features to downstream apps. But now I need to write them all down, and make retroactive stories for them. I hate admin.5
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When you spend hours working on something, finally look at the fruits of your efforts and think 'what the hell is this?'. Delete. Start again. Repeat in five hours.1
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Driving though Malmö today is like when you've got five stars in GTA. Blue blinking lights and roadblocks everywhere.30
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"You need five years of Java experience, with at least two years being Java 10, but if not at least seven years of C++17"1
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OMFG! I've left an editor with auto save feature open at work. Now I see notification from Dropbox over the movie every other five minutes.4
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That moment you realize another team renamed everything, but only in have the project, and the live demo to the customer is in five minutes
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I am just saying that many successful biotechs were built on shoddy Unix scripts.
We don’t have to go that far anymore, but if your programmers are swearing at you in five years about your terrible code, that’s a win! You lasted five years and grew enough to hire judgmental programmers! Congratulations!
- Michele busby1 -
If you have a system76 laptop and are frustrated with the battery life, like I was, maybe I can help you. Following a mishmash of instructions I found online, I've extended my battery life from about two hours to almost five.5
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I'm just so fed up with these constant updates and changes in the tech world. Can't we just stick to one thing for more than five minutes without it becoming obsolete! It's insane, makes me want to punch a wall am I right?8
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So I was looking at my imac... While baked... And my iPhone X... And... I wonder if I could simply create an apple script (I guess) that would throw an and/or on the Apple TV and the or would be iMac... Just slide it in there...
So if I explained this right it's two cranberries on a pumper nickel five In five out on the dock ah yatzee!2 -
That cloud of dread that hangs over your weekend because you deployed just before five last night.2
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computer: "save this image as yv958gpyig071.jpeg?"
me: "yes”
five months later: wtf is yv958gpyig071.jpeg?3 -
WFH and I got up to get a mouse for my laptop. Five minutes later, I sit back down with a plate of fish. Dammit, brain, wrong animal.
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Finish a personal project.
Any personal project. I'm not picky. The last time I completed a project that wasn't for my job was like five (well, now six) years ago. -
Have you read about this yet ?
https://itnews.com.au/news/...
I don't live in a FVEY country , but it still terrifies me.7 -
Dfox should make a script to pull all the creative curses from devrant and publish a list of them.
Like search for every standard curse (fuck, shit, cunt, etc) and then print them out with the five or so words before and after it to hopefully capture most of the longer creative swears.4 -
https://docs.microsoft.com/en-us/...
Cause who the fuck wouldn't expect a TriState to have FIVE goddamn values of which only TWO are supported.
Yeah, makes perfect sense.1 -
Leave a "I will see you like a php team lead in five years" (CEO words) job and be a co-founder for a startup.
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Dividing currency values across new invoices results in ball aching rounding issues.
Finally solved it and there's no one around to high five.3 -
A business's site that has only five pages, and one of them is a 404, is.... ***scratches chalkboard with wire brush***
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Guys, why is everybody complaining about apple usb-c ports? Isn't that the future?
Wait four/five years and it will all be usb-c
I mean, 100% chances of inserting the drive in the computer at first attempt. Fucking rad!11 -
Trying to manage and develop five massive projects does not leave much free time and does not do much for my sanity.3
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It was five years ago tomorrow when Greta predicted the end of the world. Enjoy your last day on Earth today. ;-) We are at the point of no return.
She deleted her tweet. Wonder why?
(bracing for impact)30 -
I'm not political - but Agile sprints remind me of Soviet/Maoist "five year plans". Agile in and of itself is so fucking oddly soviet...6
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@dfox
Awesome devrant podcasts.
Seriously, if you enjoy devrant you will be really impressed with the two they have done so far.
Surprised at the five star guests they have gotten so far.
Just need to net Uncle Bob. -
A puzzle for you guys(not my invention, so contains bugs):
If a 5-hour candle and a 6-hour candle were lit at the same time, how much time would have to pass before one candle is five times longer than the other?7 -
That moment when you've been investigating one particular bug, then stumble upon the cause and fix for another bug from 6 months ago that had left your vendor stumped...
1 -
! wk95
My project back in university, where I used bash and NLP and Python to create a utility thay would execute sentences written in English. Much like typing "change my wallpaper to abc.jpg"
Even though the tokenizer took almost five minutes to tokenize a sentence ( longer than five words ), and the parser took even longer, I still love it, for it was my first dive into ML ! -
Fun fact: in macOS Safari, you can copy text from images. It works on videos as well when you press pause and wait five seconds. This is the next-level web browsing UX — now I can copy text from an image on the internet and paste it anywhere I want.7
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So I had to travel to the city for a team project I was working on. On arrival, I stopped to check-in at a hotel and was given the keys to room 404. I climbed the awfully complicated stairs for about five minutes only to not find the room in the end.1
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Not dev related but got offered to work at the Champions league final.
The tickets sold out within ten minutes and there's me making money!3 -
Trying to log into my laptop, I got "wrong password" alert five times only for my illiterate girlfriend to notice that the caps lock was on!2
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If Tetris figures consisted of five squares instead of four, it would've been called “Pentis”.
There are also Sextis, Septis and Octis.9 -
It took me five hours to find a Byte Order Mark added at the beginning of a configuration file of a php application.
Everything was working but every downloaded file was corrupted (the bom sequence was prepended to the content). -
Newton Asked: How To Write Four Between Five?
Pharma Student: Nice Joke MBA Student Said: Not Possible
Programmer: F(IV)E2 -
Disconnect from everything that you're thinking of for a moment. Step away from your computer, and dump all of your thoughts out for about five minutes.
In better terms: clear your cache. Your devices need it, and you need it too. Bonus points if you give your eyes a stretch and look outside your window.2 -
Quick Java question.
Does spending £200 on Oracle certification raise your job market value?
Or is it just a pointless money maker for Oracle.3 -
Account manager: could you amend these small, super tiny thing on *.*. Should only take you five mins.
Me: oh, the gulpfile is broken...
Me (5:30pm): oh, the gulpfile is broken... -
"Hey - just get inspired by this code from _insertBigTechCompanyHere_ and you will be fine!"
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"You mean the code for which x departments have worked x months and spent x million dollars?
Yeah.
Five minutes..." -
That one time the management du jour asked devs to quantify why they needed new machines after five years on third-rate hardware...
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eleven billion, seven hundred twenty-three million, five hundred twelve thousand, three hundred sixty-eight hashes later and I still haven't found the vanity address I'm looking for 😴...
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After debugging my embedded code for five hours my teammate just sent me a message "I just commited the latest PCB". Well thanks, after looking at the new layout I got the initial code working by just changing one variable!
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Editing rants i wrote more than five minutes past.
Edited on my Huawei P8 mini lite with dual sim slot, golden color with 32gb sdcard.2 -
Test: this time, I copy a line with line break, because, when I did this yesterday, it fucked up devRant web.
Not copied:
Five brave knights write code in one night for free, because they like it
Copied:
Five brave knights write code in one night for free, because they like it
Does this fuck up the web-version? If so, @dfox needs ta parsed a capied text and add the needed line-breaks...1 -
So my compiler has been compiling the newest version of my compiler for about five hours now, and progressed 10% in the last hour... Looks like my poor laptop is gonna have to pull an all nighter2
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Am moving back to linux again, after having lived on arch for three years , I decided to give windows a try . It's been less than five months, I can't do it, I just can't.
Anyway , am trying out manjaro with deepin , atleast until cutefish works1 -
Alexa, what’s a quarter times 13?
Alexa: One US quarter times 13 is 13 US quarters.
🤦♂️ Alexa, what’s point two five times 13?4 -
Disconnected a production servers Ethernet adaptor ten minutes early. While people were working on it, and its failover was not quick...like five minutes not quick. Why isn't there a confirmation box on that Microsoft...2
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This moment if you are realizing that you are sitting since one hour in the waiting room of your doctor just to talk five minutes with him.1
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I know your code is great and that you learned about scrum a month ago. But I didn't know the scrum training had to say you don't assign yourself tasks, mark them as done and be surprised when other team members haven't done them, two minutes to five the day before a national holiday (yesterday).
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Since I started living by Sandi Metz rules for devs, i feel like my code has really improved.
My favorites:
* Classes can be no longer than one hundred lines of code.
* Methods can be no longer than five lines of code.
I hope you find them as usefull as I did.2 -
K&R style Brackets are so goddamn shitty. I hate hate hate hate that style. It makes code so goddamn hard to read. And for what gain? You write "less" lines of code? So what? Who gives five fucks about that? Readability is key for coders.7
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I suppose to be on leave after few hours... The team leader added five task to my sprint tasks... No wonder...
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Got fed up with my bank. Scheduled five daily payments to transfer $0.01 from my transaction account to my credit card every day each. Is it considered spamming their DBs?7
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Freeze time with the computer I am sat on.
So when somebody says something can be done in an hour, they're usually correct -
System Engineer who is adhoc scrummaster got all pissy when us devs did not transition their jira tickets when they merged with develop.
Jesus christ take five minutes, google it and figure out how to do it automatically and while you are add it add the fucking reviewers!
It’s a pain to do it each time!!!!
Fuck!!!!!!!!!!’1 -
When you just want to build your app in peace, but instead get dragged to a wedding that was apparently planned by gorillas, and your entire afternoon is shot wondering why the bride and groom disappeared for five hours.
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One little two little three little endian
Four little five little six little endian
Seven little eight little nine little endian
Ten little endian bytes1 -
SeniorDev(in code review): Yeah, I know this is wrong but I will look into it later
Me: Can you please mention the ticket you have created to look into it later
[JuniorDev gives me a high five for sticking to our coding principles. No sweeping under the rug! Felt awesome.] -
You leave two marines and a crowbar in a room for 15 minutes, and one of them is pregnant, the other one is dead, and the crowbar is in five pieces. This is why military tech is designed to handle the abuse of a pissed off gorilla in a hurry.4
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I had an interview at a forensics place. I was so nervous the interviewers told me over and over to calm down... It happens automatically to me. I do CBT but it does not help when you are in a room of five people watching you like a hawk5
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Q. What's the greatest number of rebuilds / redesigns for a full system that you've done?
It still sticks in my head that in one job we went through five specs, and the system still didn't do what the business owner wanted! I think the goals posts must have had wheels!
😂😂😔😔😭😭😨😨4 -
One question to the devRant gods: why make rants uneditable after five minutes?
I find no reason to this. Even the paid version does not eliminate this restriction.
All social media I know allow editing your posts afterwards (with some, showi g a change history).
Maybe... are the rants stored in a blockchain❓ 😱😂😂7 -
Fucking Apache Maven. We are required to use it at university and it's shit. Sometimes I think that successful usage relies solely on the position of the stars in our galaxy, since stuff will work after trying same thing again five times.
Maven == Insanity -
Happy 5th Birthday CoderDojo 🎉😊
'You're opening doors for them' - The community that encourages kids to code is five today
http://jrnl.ie/2980639
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When you finally prepare some tea and cookies and want to watch Conan, but you receive FIVE different emails requesting and "urgent" fix 😑.2
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Project before lunch: Green and good to go.🏞🏞
Project during lunch: Holy fuck the world is collapsing what the fuck are these exceptions! Get back and fix this! 🌋🌋
Five minutes after lunch: It's fixed... Files were being named incorrectly.🏞🏞 -
five minute of panic upgrading to xubuntu 17.10
dpkg was interrupted, you must manually run sudo dpkg --configure -a to correct the problem.
Fortunately sudo apt-get dist-upgrade save the day.1 -
Week : 47
How is the weekend going?
The five stages are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance .
Which stage are you at? right now?
Previous Week : https://devrant.com/rants/108125935 -
Hit shift five times on Windows and click yes. Then spam ctrl and/or shift and get confused about the bleeps!1
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Damn.. I'm filling in a web form on my mobile, and when I got to 'phone' field I tried to submit this3
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Am I the only one that thinks that websites like dev.to are a huge pile of useless buzzwords and still less useful articles? I speak as a less-than-junior developer...
Just scrolled for five minutes dev.to and I didn't find anything useful nor interesting...1 -
If someone is proud about using Alpha Five Software for developing... You just upgraded from MS Access to MS Access++... And you suck...
Go and learn some serious PL's and tools...1 -
Five years ago i started to study It & Economy and after a couple of months i said to myself that i am never going to be a programmer because i hated it. Everything about it. Guess what.... 😂5
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One of our testers got the brilliant idea of switching the desktop environment to KDE on some debian. Response of our Qt-application: crash! - "Cannot mix incompatible Qt library"
Yeah. And we only want to support five distros in at least three different versions. -
Has anyone had any experience with OVH? Are they as good of a hosting provider as five year old forum posts say they are? Specifically looking at their VPS Cloud RAM2
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Have you already met the code that you have no idea how to refactor?
In five years I met those twice and I'm still puzzled with one of them. (I don't mean just a spaghetti or too long code) -
What sentence can have five ‘and’s in a row, like this ‘and and and and and’ and still make perfect sense?3
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Whenever you're stuck with a problem, Google it and open the first five search results in different tabs and then go through each. You learn a lot more than just the solution to your problem that way. =)
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Hello all, recently I have been doing alot of front end work in web forms and lead generation. I would love to learn more about marketing and how it can be applied as a dev.
Does anyone recommend any good books atall?
Thanks!2 -
Starting new job, moving to new location, and trying to finish five massive projects.... "You want me to take over development of that entire stack? Sure I've got time!"2
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A five-minute overview of the differences between concurrency and parallelism.
https://monades.roperzh.com/concurr...
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Walmart Retail Link has been down for five hours. No word on when it will be back up. All our work is halted until then.
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Spent hours installing m2cryoto adb openssl on Windows but couldn't reach anywhere, at home it took five minutes and done. There is nothing like osx (brew) and linux. Things are so easy on them. They make development faster.
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