When your CPU is motivated and gives more than his 100%

GF: "Honey can you leave the PS and give me some attention?"
ME: "ofcourse!"

**Gives her 29 minutes of attention**

When you finally get the team running on git and your boss gives you a bitbucket to commemorate

I dream of the day a professor gives me a question that requires a meme be made lmao

Teacher: answer this question without Googling
Me : *gives answer after using DDG*

When will people realize that Google isn't the only way to browse the internet

Programming in portrait gives you a different perspective

When life gives you lemons, develop an app that sells lemons.

I love my job, but...

Me - "Has anyone changed the password on the print computer"
Him - "It's the same one."
Me - "Carrots99?"
Him - "Yeah, what's the message that comes up?
Me - "Password is incorrect."

The dumbest conversation I've ever had in my fucking life. You little shit, I know you changed the password just to fuck with people. You've been reading too many books on elevating yourself, tried to be important for something. It means fuck all if you can't remember what you changed it to. So you held up two hours of my work, not to mention everyone else, because you can't help but stick your beak in shit. You dont think people can't see what youre doing? Watching you scurry over to the computer with a big smile, only a to fuck off silent as a mouse not to be seen mumbling some shit about a system administrator. Yeah you forgot it you prick.

Stop sucking up to the boss, and commanding people on what to do, when you're as junior as junior gets. Don't change our fucking passwords, just so you can have the whole team approach you the next day asking for you, then not remember them. You cunt.

Here's a funny joke

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says "okay but only if you tell me a meta joke". So the man says a man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says "okay but only if you tell me a meta joke". So the man says  man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender gives him a beer. The bartender gives him a beer. The bartender gives him a beer.

Just created my first program using powershell, It runs in the morning and gives me a weather forecast.

When the PM gives you the project estimates...

When life gives you lemons..
Well we know what to do :)
They play sound!

gives root permissions to the real world.

based on true story
> delivered project on time
> giving good performance
> boss noticed
> gives appreciation
> raise in salary
> profit

Me: "Mom, dad, I'm a programmer"
*dad suddenly becomes sad, gives mom 50 bucks*

It’s code like this that gives me severe migraines 🤯

Anyone ever noticed the names Github gives to their releases for Github Desktop?

Internet Explorer.

When you show your girlfriend the CSS animation that took you 2 days to make and she gives you the most unimpressed look.

Fresh out of college?
Entry-level?
Apply Here!

Junior Web Intern: 16k A Year!
Basic Requirements: HTML, CSS, JavaScript, Node, Angular, JQuery, Bootstrap, Backbone, Handlebars, D3, p3, CMS (WordPress, Wixx), PHP, Java (Android), C++(iOS), openframeworks, openGLSL, Cinder, failed at least two startups, 8086 assembly language.

Recommended requirements:
Git version control
Agile development

Must be able to display example of each requirement.

When boss tries to look smart and gives you advice about the project you wrote:

When i ask a question in StackOverflow and no one gives a shit 😐

When your API gives a successful response after 30 hours.
Pure bliss😇

This dude has to be my best ever coworker !
Not only does he never disturb me, he also gives me amazing feedback during debugging 🐥

!rant

A site that gives you free iphone

Gmail Username:[ ]
Gmail Password: [ ]
We dont store your password!

(Ooh i guess then its safe)

I like to code with my laptop unplugged. Gives an extra bit of excitement knowing that my last change might not save.

Well VS really gives me a lot opportunities for code improvement...

You know you have a tabs problem when Google gives you a smile.

When a restaurant banner gives you an error message.

When GCC gives up on you..

I like my windows phone I got from work. It gives me no reason to even look at it when I'm not working.

> Manager gives me new ticket.

> This seems like a ticket Dingus would do.

> Remember Dingus got fired a month ago.

> Realize I’m the new Dingus.

Today I got told to stop using a repo and work directly from the FTP server.

Today sucked. That is all

Print 'Hello World' in ReactJS.

# Time - dies
# Memory - cries in silence
# C - gives an evil laugh

I don't know why it gives you that, just force push ...

😂😂😂 Hackerrank gives you an XKCD comic whenever you get a 404 on their site:

Discord gives me life.

SQL Server gives such descriptive errors after failing at 99% -_-

Crucial Memory posted this, had to share 😂

Courtesy of r/ProgrammerHumor

Windows 10 deletes files so slowly that inadvertently it gives the impression that it's secretly sending data to three/four-letter organisations instead of the trash

Have deleted FB account and uninstalled the app. Devrant gives me all I need for socializing with like minded people.. fuck u fb..

You know you have been using devrant too much when you open it and the algo only gives you rants that you already ++'ed.

I hate when someone compares two languages depending on which one gives a "Hello world" with less lines of code.

Hey thanks Windows for automatically wasting my data on these two beautiful games.

I had to install windows only for gaming. And windows gives me these 😑

when Administrator Gives Full Internet Access

When you are so incompetent your senior gives up and writes your code for you

When the project development finishes and client gives changes.

Office gives me a Windows laptop.

Never have I felt this handicapped in my life.Sigh.

ESPN's Roku app gives out awesome error information!

When your client gives you their logo as a .txt file Fml

Sometimes I give someone a ++ on here just to bother them with a notification on their phone. It gives me a sense of power.

It gives me utmost pleasure knowing that even people at Google forgot to remove the link to Orkut for three years!

Throwback to my first assignment in MATLAB.
Still gives me the heebie-jeebies!

Me: *gives 8 story points*
PO: Why is it 8 points? this is just copy-pasting and should not take more than 2 hours.

Congratulations? For fucking what. So you built a wix website. Now youre a web developer and the whole world knows it, my services aren't needed anymore.

Congratulations you bypassed half a decade in 50 hours a week of coding, then you have the bone and fucking marrow of emailing me because your like buttons are causing users to create a new instagran account. Good one kid.

What gives you the feeling of power?

Me: reports vulnerability that can be used to steal thousands of dollars from a company.

Stingy company: gives me 66 USD voucher as a reward. :)

When amazon coupon gives you 110% discount!

Is it even possible?

That moment, when @dfox gives you more than +1))

5 minutes into render and chill and your computer gives you this look:

The feel that it gives when your code works after so many hours and attempts to debug it...

😇😇😇

How does a developer gives birth ?

`git pull origin mother`

Yea, that's seems about right.When the user gives incorrect password,throw an Internal Server Error.
Great API design!

coding gives me peace

Windows logic:
* User disables notifications *
* Windows gives a notification about disabled notifications *
Fuck.

'Yay!! My program runs and is giving expected output.'

** Professor gives large input file **

Segmentation fault (core dumped)

'FML'

(My story in every algorithms lab)

I did it, I took the plunge and deleted all my social media. Never felt so liberated

Coffee and music. Lots of both. Swap coffee for alcohol in the evening.

How many of you know what this is?
It's what gives me energy to code all day long!

When your boss gives her boss an update on your project that isn't true, and makes you look incompetent, just because she had no idea. Fucking muppet.

Me - "I need to find the children"
CTO- "Okay. How many?"

It takes about 10 minutes to realize the conversation you just had

Java gives me weird habits;

My first interview as a Java dev tomorrow! Wish me luck

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says "okay but only if you tell me a meta joke". So the man says a man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says "okay but only if you tell me a meta joke". So the man says a man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender gives him a beer. The bartender gives him a beer. The bartender gives him a beer.

Being able to drink coffee (nope no decaf) including espresso's without my heart complaining. Idk that taste always gives me a boost!

Realized our scale gives a reading for body water percentage. I always joke that I’m chronically dehydrated, but.. uh… I should probably work on this.

Coding saved me from a dark place. Computers saved my life. Coding gives me food and shelter so I won't starve to death homeless

My best source of motivation is bad software. The feeling of "I can do better" gives me an immutable energy to actually do better.

I read a bible verse and get back to what I was doing
God always gives me power

I like coffee. This fact gives me a personality.

Internet Explorer.

I never use it, but still, even looking at that icon gives me the creeps.

Don't you just love it when eclipse gives you these wonderfully informative error messages? Couldn't you at least say something?

So a little story about finding your way. I worked at an IoT software firm, very well established. I had a hard time with the on boarding process due to some factors, and I must have lagged behind their mental schedule for my growth. It was clear nonetheless that I was a quality coder and had made some friends there.

It wasn’t enough for the ensuing corporate bullying. It went by and I took it. I became the yes man just so I don’t frustrate anyone enough to turn away my ask for help. This made things worse and before long, I a grown man went to visit my mum and all but cry at how small I felt, after all my hard work getting to the company.

I felt sick with failure but I knew I couldn’t go back. I emailed my resignation and dropped off my company laptop.

4 months later I am working at a medical startup with my own projects, that I have 100% control over. And the quality of my work and ethic is pleasing upper management in all the right ways. I’ve never been happier, and there are barely any perks on paper. No free lunches on Thursdays or discounts at the local high street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life because I said NO to feeling or being treated any less than I worked and progressed to be.

Don’t let other people stop your potential for their own ego, or any other reason. 😊

When life gives you lemons just "rm -rf" if that doesn't work try "sudo rm -rf".

On the next episode of "when life gives you lemons" we will teach you how to enter a USB correctly on the first go. Yes, you heard me, after 7 years of research, and 2 years of not research, we did it!

You know you have a good job when your manager gives you permission to watch porn on a hololens while on camera

My face when Project Manager gives changes of her own and wants it before 5:00PM on Friday.

Reading all practiseSafeHex's rants, gives me hope that i can get a job once i get to that point XD

Proud moment this week. Have been making my first contribution to Open Source software. And a huge project too. I hope it will long continue :)

Tries to fix bugs for hours.
Gives up, goes to bed.
Tomorrow is another day.
#story of my life

My mentor only gives me honest feedback when she's drunk AMA

I posted 'programming partner wanted' on some social media app.

Some youngster immediately gives me his wisdom : 'JS sucks'.

Some people....sheesh

Next major version of spring will require Java 17.

Bloody finally. Hope this gives corporations the kick up the behind they need to move beyond 8.

[wk200]
Ordered a set of copic markers, they should be here tomorrow. At least this quarantine crap gives me time to draw again after 5 years.

Conversation between a developer and admin team to change configuration in higher environment.
Dev: Please change these config parameters.
Admin: What is environment url
Dev: 😑. Gives the url
Admin: How to change?
Dev: 😑. Gives all the details
Admin: I am unable to perform as server is slow.
Dev: Whom will you report the slowness of server as you are the admin?😵
Admin shocked developer rocked

It's 2020 and our designer gives me instructions in pixels. "Make the button 40px". What else, how should I make this flint arrow?

I always end my iOS apps with an anonymous inner function. Call me sentimental, but it gives me a sense of closure

When life hands you lemons,
create a startup to market lemon juice
as a healthy, low-carb alternative to
lemonade.

saddest day of my life when system log gives me this

failed with status [ERROR]! - see null for further information

*Writes Slack message*
*Sends*
*Notices mistake*
*Goes to edit*
*Accidentally pins message*
*Goes to edit*
*Accidentally deletes*

*Gives up on life*

Me after using Prolog for 6 hours because of University...
Sometimes prolog gives me brainfuck (pun intended)

Windows gives you just a few windows but Linux gives you a home ❤️

Working only four days a week. Gives you that one day to have actual fun.

Just been hired as a mid level developer for an IoT company. With considerable benefits and pay increase!

YES!!

Some epic software gore when someone called me right as I unlocked my phone

When DBA gives you access to the Prod DB instead of the Dev DB.

greetings from windscribe vpn!

finally a free private vpn that gives you a reasonable amount of data

❤️ privacy

that awesome feeling when someone gives your app a 5 star and leaves an amazing review :D

What's the point of testing if the tester just tests the scenarios which developer gives. Isn't it obvious that only those scenarios will work.

Javascript's log() because it gives me everything ☺

Google is faster than my computer's calculator launching..

I'm still typing, he already gives me the answer.

Save everything.
My angular app gives errors.
Go to vscode do a ctrl+s on any file
And it works!

Anyone?

I have a co-worker that gives me shit for locking my computer. Uh what?

You know you're in bad shape when Google gives you an Experts Exchange answer and Stack Overflow is nowhere in sight.

How many developers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Who gives a fuck the jokes been done before

*Debugs a thread synchronization issue in a C program*
*Gives up after few attempts to debug a bootstrap table that’s not showing a column*

Yeah these fucking assholes lost a 300 pound gaming chair at my local depot for 3 weeks where I eventually got a refund from Amazon. I ordered a USB desk fan for the heat off ebay, yeah these fucking cunts delivered it to my workplace at 9pm.

Guess who is building my companies new ecommerce platform, where I am currently integrating the shipping options. Fuck off Yodel.

"Revert the revert" This always gives me laugh 😂

when life gives you lemon, buy vodka and stuff. prepare good vodka martini. then develop an app to sell it across countries.

For you game Devs out there,

There should be a UE 4.20 this year... Gives a whole new meaning to baked lighting 🌿💡

According to my university professor a reliable connection(secure connection) and an established connection (which gives ACK) is same......I feel like dropping out

I hate when the manager gives a task to me and say: 'I think that in one day you finish this'.

When life gives you lemons and everything is going well, you'd best be prepared because you haven't gotten the whole package.

What's the right thing to do as a junior dev when your boss acts too intimidating and gives you feel like you are unwanted?

I'm very frustrated at my job. Nobody gives a shit to work and don't have technical knowledge. My colleague keeps on battering the peers. And colleagues are discussing everything without me.
So trying to switch company but no luck in a year. And I have stopped working at my job. Gives me serious anxiety.

When life gives you class, make as much objects as possible so that there is a memory leak in the system...

Stack overflow gives php as "techs you dislike" sugestion.

Today I spilt a glass of water onto my palm. As I was shaking the hand of a senior executive. He looked at me in disgust as our hands squelched together.

"A designer who gives her art away, makes no pay. A designer who keeps her art to herself, makes no friends. " - Amber Seree Allen

That's what happens if I'm bored and some one gives me a microwave.

Me: *asks for sample data for all tables to test database transactions*

Team member: *gives over 45000 records only for city*

🤔 😐

When a client gives the app mockups that are clearly designed by a toddler with crayons. And you have to follow it strictly.

The proof that the time machine really exists and that Microsoft is using it gives me a lot of anxiety

On the low, every time someone on here gives a suggestion on how to better the app, @dfox and @trogus are probably thinking "give us a break!"

Guys, wish me luck for tomorrow, I'm so nervous.
But thanks to everybody who gives me good advices and tips

when your boss, while out of the office, gives your personnal phone # to the client.

and when that client could have just emailed you.

Dear Colleagues. Stop saying iOS (i-oohs). It's (i-oh-es). You don't call it fucking windows ooohs. You sound like fucking idiots to our clients

"Preparation gives birth to self-confidence. " - Denise Harman

when life gives you free coffee
go out in a caffeine coma

Manger gives kudos to an engineering team for working weekends to hit a deadline he set three months ago... Isn't this just celebrating shit process?

When your boss finally gives you the wifi access codes to check the responsive design on your phone without killing your personal 3G quota...

The only thing that gives me life.....😌☕

Taking my laptop in.

TIL that in JavaScript [1, 2, ] gives you a 2 elements array, while [, 1, 2] gives you a 3 elements array
WTF JavaScript???

When anime gives you rant material

Philosopher: "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade"

Developer: "When program gives you bugs, make feature"

i always assume that my code is right so when the compiler gives an error, its hard for me to find out why it gives an error and why it doesnt work. my mind is too convinced that it is correct.

i guess i have to sleep it off 😴 maybe tomorrow it will be easier to fix

If I can’t find software I’m looking for it I don’t like the options I can just make it, it gives me the ability to automate tasks, it’s fun and it gives me a logical outlet.

If life gives you key, hash it without collision 😀

Is it possible that developing gives me dopamine?

Listening to hardstyle - gives me energy

School (I don't mean this in a positive way) - creates a lot of hate and anger which gives me plenty of energy to code and to change things (mostly privacy and also a bit of freedom related)

I just realized that I could create a whole rant about the issues I have with school

"We have updated our ... "
Well, guess what, nobody gives a fuck!
#noFucksGiven

Gives unclean shit data.
Scolds you when your app won't work properly.

When an intern gives me suggestions on technology stack to use for the new application I'm building...

When developer gives you a shit website the night before launch. Fml

It’s astounding how when a school gives me 100 dollars to make something to teach high schoolers with stem that I immediately build a lightsaber.

working against a database over a bugged VPN connection, which gives you periodically timeouts, after the request takes 15 minutes 😑

when my boss gives new customers a tour of the company i quickly open hackertyper.com to look extremly productive and talented.

I actually like writing documentation. It gives me a break in a different pace, gives me time to refocus on what I've built and hopefully make it useful for others as well.

People tell smoking is injurious to health and developer tell floats are injurious to website but no one gives a damn

My favorite part of working with git is how big of an idiot I feel like. Always gives me a warm fuzzy feeling.

Spending all morning working on personal projects cause the work your boss gives you is bullshit lol

When the company gives you a 4k monitor, but it's laggy as fuck

Well, look at the brighter side Android developers, that long time gradle takes to build gives you the much needed break, doesn't it?

Gotta love it when checking out tickets gives you the template screen 😁

What if the reviewer gives you bad reviews that lead to bad code, and you can't defend because he couldn't understand the shit you're talking about?

My Cat-magnets make me smile every time I look at them!

OfferZen gives the best swag for developers in South Africa!

why has express always felt like such dogshit always

res.send(...)

ugh, just gives me shivers

hey!
'sudo rm -rf' gives you free internet!

I know a doctor's practice which gives you your first name as a default password for your account. Watertight security for all these medical records :)

1. I make money off of it
2. It pays the bills
3. It gives me an income

When you can't do your job properly because management refuses to fork out for the expensive tools you need and gives you cheap/shitty tools instead

When your wife gives you a deadline to finish a personal project to build your portfolio... 😅

The number of new libraries I have to learn these days gives me the shits and shits for the future. FML

I forgot to create a branch and pushed directly to master...

Thankfully nobody reviews my code in this project or gives a shit anyways

When the deadlines tomorrow and the client gives you 20 more features to add... :()

The git log created by my coworker. It gives me a sad.

returning from 2 weeks of PTO, the haiku

what was I doing?
*Looks through tickets in jira*
gives up. plays halo.

so.. I took a drink tonight, and finished watching some devRant posts about alcohol and some funny stories..
whats wrong with u guys 😂

Which is better? Working in a company with someone who can mentor you or working in a company that gives you time to study on your own?

Not dev related but got offered to work at the Champions league final.

The tickets sold out within ten minutes and there's me making money!

This what apple gives me for my pixel 2 :(

God gives me two options

When dfox likes your last 2 rants, it gives you that awesome feeling

Roll on the end of the week!

When you have some important system maintenance planned but your body says "not this time wolke" and just gives you 3 days off with sickness :<

Fixing one bug gives birth to a different bug!!

this gives me anxiety, just setting up cache updating with urql

People posting their (not so good) workstation. Post it if you code on 3 widescreens, 9 monitors, a gaming rig or if your debug duck is a ducking (pun (maybe)) dragon.

A laptop on a 10 inch table is pretty sad.

My mobile/web app that gives you a list of open restaurants within 500m/1km. Need to further ML.

Two words, red bull.

I dont drink coffee often or drink it otherwise, so it gives a real kicker to the old brain.

- Going through new open source projects
- Subscribed to blog that gives all the shit about new things
- Never missed updates from WWDC, Google IO.

when client sends you an email and calls you to read it for you... seriously, what gives?!
if feels like green eggs and ham

Boss gives project to be done in two days and expects no bugs. Anyone familiar with that?

When the code works on Friday and gives errors on Monday

When you ask for a USB C charger and someone gives you an Apple Charger 😪

1. Solving problems gives me orgasms
2. Code allows me to be extremely creative
3. I love logic (and maths too, but to a lesser degree)

No one gives a fuck about clean code in the office. So fuck it! I'm writing bullshit!