*Client calles me at 7Am*

Client: why did you make everything smaller on my website ?

Me: look at the right side of your URL bar, do you see a minus sign ?

Client: yah, so ?

Me: click on it and set it back to default.

Client: oh ok this is working for me now, will this fix apply globally across the internet

Me: ...

Client: oh I think I asked a stupid question, thanks mate have a good day.

Me: you're welcome...

Random : Hey you're a programmer right?

Me : Yeah? *excited about possibilities*

Random : I am having troubles installing a game I downloaded. I've been trying for three weeks now.

Me : *sigh* OK, I'll have a look, but I can't guarantee I'll get it right.

*Spend about 10 seconds installing game.*

Random : How did you do that?

Me : I read the error message, it was pointing to the wrong file.

Random : You are a god man *calls wife* come look at this genius. *calls daughter* look at that *calls dog* this guy is so amazing.

I also now avoid Random, he had three hard drives, each with a different version of Windows installed, he totally screwed his bios, he admitted not having put thermal paste on his cpu. And he asked me to fix all of this whenever I have time.

I am not your computer fixer guy. Take It to the shop.

*at my study a year or longer ago*

Classmate: hey linuxxx, could you come take a look? What is this? *points at screen towards some code*
Me: you don't see it?!
Cm: no...?!
Me: you really don't see it?!
Cm: no!!?
Me: no for real, do you *REALLY* not see it?!
Cm: NO! TELL ME ALREADY!
Me: that's a screen 😊
Cm: 😑😠

😅

Gentlemen,
Please take a look at the enclosed hard drive and let me know if you'll be able to transfer files/software from it onto a laptop. If so I'll send you a laptop so you can get it done.

*Opens box*

And that's why there are scientific programming languages:

"Hey, you are the Java guy, aren't you? My Java is broken!"

Me: *Takes a look at the code*

if ("4+4".equals("5+3")) {
System.out.println("Same result!");
} else {
System.out.println("Different result!");
}

Freshman: hey can you check what's wrong with my code?
Me: ya of course
*Sees zero comments, no indents, all variables named a,b,c,etc.*
Me: oh would you look at the time!

Friend: "Why did you buy a Macbook Pro? Look at the specs, the RAM, the storage, the processor.. heck, ain't it overpriced? I wouldn't if I were you"

Me: "No, I didn't buy it. My company gave it to me when I joined them."

Friend: "Oh.. okay... hey, is there any job opening in your company?"

This is what happens every time I look at Microsoft’s C# docs after someone tells me to

Mathematician girl invites me to code some lines.
I arrive at her flat and she was alone so some part of me thought ehem. Anyway i took a look at the program first.
Me: so... it's a date?
Her: no im using cosmic radiation.
Me: huh?
Her: yeah accessing a value from a sensor gives a..

(Apparently she thought i was asking about the Random Function she was using, which usually uses the date)

Me: *coding*
Gf: *walks into room*
Gf: awww look at all the sad winky faces
Me: excuse me?
Gf: look at all the sad winky faces *points at this ); *
Me: ... 😕😂

Friend: Dude, could you look at my code, see what's wrong??

Me: Its not indented. Indent is properly first..

This is Why I give IT support so much respect.

Friend: my computer stopped working can you help?
Me: (porn...again) fine I'll help.
Friend: come over when your ready
Me: Be there tomorrow bro

Next day.....

Me: where is your desktop
Friend: upstairs, I tried everything man
Me: look at the monitor... look at the hp piece of shit.. see green light on... look back at the monitor...no light... look at my friend.
Friend: 😕
Me:😪
Friend:😳
Me: look behind the desk...
Friend: 😰
Me: 😪your monitor is unplugged
Friend: 😅
Me: fuck you lose my number

*Me using dark theme on everything*

Me: Hey, look at this, I finished that thing that you wanted me to do.

*Project partner looks at my screen*

Partner: Ugh, why do you use that dark theme? It really strains my eyes.

Me: :-|
That is one of the reasons I use dark themes

RE: Why I punched Dave
In my defense to the accusation against me punching back end developer dave in the face, look at the following response:
HTTP 1.1
status: 200
mesaage: OK
body: {
"success": "false",
"message": "error"
}

A typical demo...
Me: We added validation, server communication, caching....
Customer: Meh...
Me: We fixed bugs, sped up queries, implemented X features.
Customer: Meh...
Me: We surpassed the speed of light, transcended to another plane of reality, cured cancer, brought peace to galaxy.
Customer: Meh...

UI Designer: I prepared these sketches for the UI
Customer: Wow, so innovative, look at that beautiful transitions, even mobile design, just wow

Me: * dies *

Being a web developer somedays makes me feel like:

Wow! Look at that super awesome thing these guys coded, and I'm just sitting here aligning divs and changing font colors.

Colleague: OOP is so elegant, isn't it? *Stares at me with a greedy smile*

Me: ?

Colleague: look how classy it gets!

Kms

My dad: Hey Sébastien, I think my computer has a problem, can you look my computer ?
Me: Sure.
*walks in front of the computer*
*looks at the screen*
*go away*
My dad: But, you don't fix it ?
Me: Nope, you just asked me to 'see' your computer
*walks away*

I haven't told anyone I know yet but yesterday I got a call from a user and she asked me if I could come down and take a look at some software I support. I did and fixed the issue.
She then asked if I could take a look at her computer because help desk and PC team had tried to fix and couldn't.

5 minutes later I fixed it (every site she went to gave cert error in both chrome and ie). I stood up and there was a couple seconds of me and her just facing each other not saying anything. She was smiling ear to ear the whole time. (This issue was weeks old I think). Then she walks towards me......

And hugs me.

Me 6 months ago: "This is fucking genius. Beauutiful. Look at that code. See how I did this? Wow, I love it. Fuck I'm good"

Me Now: " What. the. ffuck? Wtf is this? What was I thinking? Goddamn. "

*reduces 3 methods and 37 lines to 2 methods and 8 lines*

Well at least it shows I'm still learning.

People will always ask us to fix their computer :/

Had a meeting with IT-director of our client.

Me: Yes, with our solution you will be sure that the details of all your 17.500 employees will be stored and accessible for all required third party systems. We will have a 6 month preliminary schedule and it will cost..

Random: Excuse me!

Random employee interrupts and has actually stepped into the meeting room.

Random: Can you take a look at my computer? Something is wrong.

IT-director: Is there noone else who can look at this?

Random: But it was working a minute ago. It probably will be a quick fix?

IT-director looks at me like "what even is this?"

IT-director: Go down to the 12th and talk to IT there, we're having a meeting here.

Random: I thought you guys who are so good with computers could fix this in a jiffy!

Me: Burning inside

IT-director: Just leave us, please.

Random leaves.
IT-director looks at me and I look knowingly back. We are both sad for a moment. Then we continue.

This just happened:

Boss: "Hey I can't send this mail, can you take a look?"
Le Me: *looking at the logs*
Le Me: "Your mail gets a spamscore of 2007.69 of max 2000. There is a virus in your mail."
Boss: "oh."

And it was a mail which he received from somebody and wanted to forward....

*Me and my workmates laughing and having fun before going home*

Me: Hey, do you want to hear a joke?
Workmate 1: What is it?
Me: Look at your code.

...
...
...

Other workmates: BURRRRRNNNN!!!!

This happened a month or so ago. I wanted a tablet for more easy/portable server management (JuiceSSH) so I went to a second hand tech store (a good/reliable one) and this guy asked me right away what I was looking for.

"a tablet!"

I pointed at a specific one and he grabbed it and walked me to the cash desk to take a look at it.

"what do you want to use it for?"
"server management mostly"

Then this other guy behind the desk looked at me with this view in his eyes like:

"fucking try-hard"

The employee helping me also looked strangeish at me

😅

Light vs dark IDE themes

I personally prefer dark and all my coworkers use light. When they ask me to look at something, it hurts my eyes just scrolling for 5 minutes on their computer.

<person>: What do you do?
<me>: I'm a developer.
<person>: What?
<me>: A computer programmer.
<person>: **blank stare**
<me>: I work with computers.
<person>: Ohhh. You work with computers! There is something wrong with mine, will you look at it for me?
<me>: I don't do hardware.
<person>: **blank stare**
<me>: I don't fix computers.
<person>: What?
<me>: **walks away**

Don't look at my laptop and tell me to close all my tabs. They are mine mine not yours!!!!

PM: Hey. I need this data right away so I can generate some reports!

/me runs some queries, creates some csv files, emails results

PM: Thanks! I'll look at this after I get back from vacation!

*me seeing rant with stress ball in the pic*
Me to gf:"look babe!!! Streeeeesssssballllllll :D I want one"
*gf points at shirt*:"these are your stress balls ;)"

Stuck in the car driving mum today...

She’s concerned about my little brother’s education and asks me “Is it okay to study I.T at University?”

I just turn and look at her like you’ve got to be kidding me. “Mum I’m studying I.T”

The conversation continues with:
What jobs are there in I.T?
What are you going to do with I.T?
You should become a teacher and I’ll open a tutoring centre for you!

*sigh*

I hate when people look at me weird when I talk sexy to my code. It's like how do you not find this sexy. Lol I'm in class like awww yeah pull that input and increment it you dirty software.

Friend: can you take a look at me code?
Me: sure, it's all shit!
Friend: You didn't even look!?
Me: did you write the code?
Friend: yes...
Me: well, I don't have to look, I can smell ur shitty code!

Take a look at the Linux kernel names on Wikipedia, thank me later.

That moment when the resident IT guy/teacher at your school comes to you at lunch and you look sad.
Me: Hello.
Teacher: What happened?
Me: Batteries almsot dead :(
Teacher: Well, I've got good news for you. I was talking to the school director about you.
Me: Um ... shit
Teacher: We're looking to get you an intership at the company that does networking shit for us (Netcom, anybody?)
Me: FUCK YEAH ... thanks!
*Day brightened by angelic light*

I really f*cking hate it when someone tells me they use PC and they look weirded out at me when I ask what operating system they use and say 'well I use PC so windows obviously' and then I'm like ' PC STANDS FOR PERSONAL COMPUTER NOT FOR F*CKING WINDOWS', man, can't stand those people

I'm an iOS developer who owns an Android device.

Why do people look at me like the world is going to end?

I sometimes look at the code of the guy who had my job before me and I think.

Delete it.
Delete it all.
Delete it with fire.
Use the developer as kindling so it never happens again.

At the risk of getting people butthurt.
Why do you all have to post linux-installation screens?
*Look at me, I'm installing linux, I'm in the elite, I'm so special*

I'm sorry snowflakes, but you don't see people posting images about installing Windows and being like 'I'm so special'.

*We colleagues were cursing Valentine's week*

Team Lead : Committed?
Me: No, I am single.
TL: *confused look* Did you committed that code?
Me: ohh yes! I raised the merge request as well.
TL: Ok. I will review it. *Moves away smiling inside*
Me: *looking at screen* *crying inside*

Coworker: "Hey can you look at this site and tell me why its loading so slow?"

*inspects console and sees 10 links for stylesheets and 33 script tags and over 200 total http requests.

wot n tarnation -___-

When I drink and code at home I put "while drunk" at the end of a commit so I know which ones to look back over later. This system worked great for me until yesterday when I included that in a PR for a work repo.

Coding has caused a paradigm shift in the way I look at the world. Previously I would look at something and be amazed as to how it happened or was made and then depressed because I would think such things could only be done by geniuses and not by me. Now, I know that complex things are made up of many simple things and anything complex can be kind of deconstructed with enough understanding. Its an empowering feeling knowing that I can create something amaizng.

I like my windows phone I got from work. It gives me no reason to even look at it when I'm not working.

first day of new junior.
me : tell me what you know about inheritance
junior : don't look at me, we're very poor, if my parent's die i wont get a single dime

me(in my head) : this is gonna be fun.

That time when you code up something really cool (to you, that is...) and none of your friends understand.

Me: "Look at this cool thing!"
Them: "Looks like a bunch of numbers."
Me: "But they mean foo, bar, and baz!"
Them: "Whatever."

:(

QA: Please Look at this Defect.
Me: Okay not a problem!
QA: Thanks
Me: <Starts to look at Defect>
QA: 2 mins later. Do you have an ETA on when it will be fixed?
Me: Not yet, I'm still looking at it.
QA: Do you know what time it can be fixed? I have a deadline.
Me: I don't know what's wrong yet, I can't tell you when it will be fixed if I don't know what's wrong.
QA: Okay. Update Me.
Me: Opens Dev Rant.

Me: I probably won't program today.
*go to my room lay on my bed and look at my phone *
Mhm.. *get an idea and go to my computer and begin to program*

Me: okay I'll just program for a bit.. I won't spend all day here.

*23 hours later*

Shit .. I need to sleep Dx

At school in computer class,
Me: (to friend who gets excited from "hacking") Hey look im gonna hack!
Friend: *Turns to watch*
Me: *Does "color a" and "tree"*
Friend: Wow.
Me: *Writes a quick Matrix.bat and opens it*
Friend: Woah guys look he is hacking!!
Me: *Sits there awkwardly*

I always look at this app but never post anything because of lack of amazing Dev things happening to me. Still one of my favourite apps.

I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT when people say, "Can you look into it, in your spare time ?"

Why should I spend my spare time looking at company stuff ? Just WHY ? If you want me to look at it, then FUCKING PAY ME FOR IT!!!

Worst part of being a dev: "we need this done by the end of the week"

Me: "ok what are the specifications?"

PMs: "not sure yet, we have a meeting with the client on Thursday."

Me: "cool, I'll look at it Monday."

Don't come to me with deadlines before you know what I'm building.

Just happened at my internship:
Guy: hey could you come over here for a sec and look at this problem?
me: Sure! *walks to table*
guy: the FTP server isn't working. I added config files etc but nothing!!
me: *does some terminal stuff*
me: uhm.... the ftp server isn't installed......
guy: *poker face*
guy: *poker face*
guy: *poker face*
guy: *plz don't tell anyone face*
guy: could you pls install? *desperate look*

Friend: you really should give Windows another chance, it's really not that bad.

Me: are you in possession of the only Windows computer that doesn't blue screen whenever there's a strong breeze outside?

Friend: No ... That does happen every now and then.

Me: So what's great about it then?

Friend: Look at this cool wallpaper, it's a slideshow of pictures of my kids.

Me: ... stop talking to me immediately ... and sit over there.

Ebay app: Hey, look at this offer, you can save 30%!

Me: Urgh, alright, let me have a look
*Clicks notification*
*Offer seems alright, took me by surprise honestly*

*Scrolls down a bit*

Ebay app: ITEM DOESN'T SHIP TO YOUR LOCATION *evil laugh*

Fucking gets me every time

Been a jr. dev at a company that's badly in need of more devs. So they hire a sr. dev to work w/ me. Dude's got yrs of xp over me, so he should be ramped up in no time, right?

Jk, he doesn't even know the basics of git. Also, his code is shit. If he's not let go anytime soon, at least I'll look awesome relative to this guy come performance reviews ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

How me and my dev friend look at code snippets we wrote just a year ago

I'm the only windows user in my office(my only other choice was Mac). One of the salesmen walks in my office with his macbook.

salesman: what do you know about macs?

me: nothing, why?

salesman: well I just got a new MacBook and I can't right-click, is there like a setting or something I gotta click?

me: well there's no "right-click" by default on Macs, but I think there's a way so you can click with the right side of the touchpad and get the "command-click" you're looking for. stand over there quietly while I finish this function then I'll look into it.

*i proceed to fiddle with some code for 5 or so minutes while he stands in the corner*

me: ok so let's look at your MacBook... ok *at this point I jump on my computer* let's see what Google has to say.

search: enable right-click on mac

me: huh! look at that! Google gives you the answer right there, poof! like magic. now we just follow directions, system settings>keyboard and touchpad>enable click with bottom right corner. bam! anything else?

salesman: yeah, I want the little bar thing to go away *talking about the dock auto-hide

me: ok well that's called the dock, let's ask Google again...look, Google gives the answer again, without even needing to click any links, I could probably click these links and get more in-depth instructions, but right here at the top is the answer

salesman: wow man, thanks! I've got a meeting in 10 minutes and I never would have figured this out.

*before he leaves

me: here take this...

Client: Half of our barcodes aren't being recognized. Can you tell why?

Me: Ok, I will look at the problem... Open the imagens of the failed barcodes and see that all of them have a stamp over the barcode...

What I have done wrong to deserve this...

Me today at class, doing a group work, while suddenly I saw my colleague’s code looking very odd.

Me : “Why is your code like that?”
Her : “Like what?”
Me : “Its not spaced correctly... look its way over there”
Her : “Oh well, I just like it like that, its my style”
Me “...”

And im just like, if she post her code at SO, she wouldve been eaten alive...

me: yo, im kinda low on cash right now, i should save some money and not do any iot projects this month

also me: yo, look at those nfc chips, i got an idea

me, to an HR: look at my GitHub, it has amazing projects!
my projects:

I'm the only person at work with a windows phone...

They look at me weirdly...

Ma aunt sent me this right now. Look at how it's written. Sounds like all the crap movies compiled into a pile of shit.

Tell gf that I'm gonna start the washing machine. 30 minutes later she finds me at the computer.

-You forgot the laundry half way.
-oups but I had to try a possible solution to my problem ...

The look from her :/

>be me
>drop out of uni studying civil engineering
>"self-taught" "web programmer"
>start freelancing in 2010
>Make money, feels good man
>clients keep me busy, feel important
>Code just for the fun of it
>be 2019. Married, code to make ends meet
>lose all interest
>mere sight of the ide makes me want to bash the screen
>have zero motivation
>never get any projects done
>become broke af
>look at old friends on fb. They are "Something".
>look at real software engineers and programmers with education
>realize I am an imposter
>start dropping all projects and studying theory
>become more broke
>start taking "motivation pills" to just start working again
>lose all motivation and pissed at all the real programmers and engineers for their success
>be me on May 20, 2019 at 2:56 AM
Yep, this is the end.

I call this the Distraction Stack.

[working on code]

"Hey, can you look at this bug?"

[
working on code,
looking at bug
]

"Can I bother you for a second?"

[
working on code,
looking at bug,
being bothered
]

"When you're done with her can you stop by my desk?"

[
working on code,
looking at bug,
stopping by your stupid desk
being bothered
]

It's enough to make me pop.

- Hey, have you heard of devRant?
- Look I have been a developer for more than 20 years; new IDEs, editors, languages or whatever that is, appear every week and they all just die. I'm sticking to my guns and nothing you can say can convince me to even look at this devCrap or whatever it is.
- Oooooookay...
#devCrap

Product owner: "I want these 6 epics delivered in 12 months"
Me: "can't to that with 2 devs, need more"
PO: "how many?"
Me: "can't say, you haven't spec'd them"
PO: "how do you know 2 devs can't deliver them?"
Me: "educated fucking estimations you fucktrumpet - at least 2 of them look like 6 month projects for 2 devs, so you need to pay for more resource!"

I was told in an 1:1, quite literally, "not everybody can do what they want to do if they are not good at it..." - get fucked! The person I had to "report to" was an idiot (at the same senior level as I was) and obviously threatened.

Then moved down to customer support, where I was fired for fixing problems faster than going through the chain of levels, because I was creating quick scripts to patch the faulty data.

At my previous job a coworker left positive comments alongside any negative ones on my code. “Nice job here. Very clean”, or “nice use of X design pattern here!” Kinda made me look forward to his code reviews.

Today I uninstalled WhatsApp, I mean I haven't had a look at it in over a month and nobody texts me anways.

Writing this makes me realize how sad this is

I don't want to support Facebook or any data mining company, instead I want to support (free) / open source software like Signal

"at least 1 special character except < ' ; / - [ % _"
Also known as "Hey, look at me, I'm vulnerable to SQL injection and a lot of other fun stuff!"

[ Coworker walks up to my desk at 4:15 PM ]

Coworker: "Hey man. We had to make a few changes to the codebase because one of our unit tests were failing. Can you take a look at a pull request for me?"
Me: "Yeah sure, how many files?"
C: "About 600"
Me: [ thinking it might just be a ton of libraries or gradle shit] "...ooookaayyyy... that's a lot but doable... how many lines?"
C: “128,000 lines"
Me: "Fuck you"

I don't understand... How can people prefer complicated web pages with fancy design over the simple and effective design of your router configuration page?
I mean, look at it... It's beautiful. If I ever asked as a client to a developer to build me a website, it'd look just like this.

I’m on a trip through Scandinavia with a travel group. Today we are staying at a Hotel in Hammerfest. I just got into my hotel room and my lamp looked like that. So I made a photo and went to the reception:
Me (showing photo): Is this supposed to look like that?
staff: Uhmm maybe!?
Me: 🤨
Staff: Do you belong to the travel group?
Me: Yes.
Staff: Then it’s supposed to look like that.

WTF!!!?

My mobile provider doesn't allow me to set a password that contains any other symbol than letters and numbers for the website where you can look at how much data you consumed (and can order new data, change plans, etc.). Are you kidding me. This is making shit insecure, you fucks!

- Another package from NY? More stickers?
- No. It's a ball this time!

People are starting to look weird at me over here...

"And how are you?" I said.

Eeyore shook his head from side to side.

"Not very how," he said. "I don't seem to have felt at all how for a long time."

"Dear, dear," said Pooh, "I'm sorry about that. Let's have a look at your code..."

And then Eeyore looked at Pooh with terror in his face, before he vanish into the forest.

He never let me review his code again...

Friend : I will do this when I get back from work.
Me : But you are working from home, aren't you?
Friend : Yes, but I am at work, right now.
Me: And how does your route back home look like?
Friend : I switch input source from my work's laptop to gaming rig.

Look, I don't know why, but after sitting around doing nothing, I think he wants to kill me.
Send help.

I mean just look at him, staring right into your soul.

Why the fucking fuck is it so damn hard for me to draw a fucking curly bracket?!

All my sad attempts at it look like a 3 that was exposed to lethal amounts of nuclear radiation

Wordpress is abolsute garbage trash. The devs who made the core appear to be drunk 24/7 when they wrote it and dont get me started with these fucking shit plugins asking you to GO PRO, GET THE PREMO VERSION, MOAR FEATURES!!!! Fuck this bullshit wordpress, masking itself as a "one size fits all" "Just add a plugin BrO" peices of shit, i hope this cancer stops, plugin devs think this is some place for their own personal billboard to advertise you dumb fucking products. Take a look at any plugin and look at the "Pro features" makes me want to die, peices of trash, fuck all of you

Look right here at this beauty, one of my students wrote :D They were supposed to find all dividers of given number :D makes me question my whole teaching skills :(

I wake up, take a look at the clock: 5:21.
The alarm is at 5:40.
Thanks fucking sleep cycle for waking me up to wake up the alarm clock... FUCK!!!

Arrived at office then almost immediately the boss, who's also a developer, tells me he changed something on the protocol/api.

Me thinking: u just broke the api without thinking on consequences but hey... Ur the boss...

Later, he says: look, our app crashes!

Me: obviously...

:/ what the f**k was he thinking... :/

Hey look at me little animation system.

The animation code is highlighted to the left.

Look at me now!
1024++

So the CEO called me down about a super urgent bug that needs to be fixed or we will loose several hundred thousand pounds of business.

I rush down to his office and there he has a graph "look the values are barely moving i would expect the values to be more erratic this time of day"

*i look at the graph*

"Errrr your looking at 02:00 in the morning, it's 14:00"

Boss: ahh good spot *looks at 14:00* yea that looks good, great job.

When you take a coffee break and a spider 🕷️randomly decides to invade your beverage ☕...

🕷️: Look at me, I own this cup now...

At work:

Why is there no refresh when we submit data into the tables?

Me: there is, but there is no page refresh, as it should be.

Them: but how do we know if the data is being added?

Me: well you can see it in the table right? Look there is even a small message over here **points at message** that indicates the entry code and position.

Them: yeah but how can we tell? Can you make it to where there is a page refresh?

Me:

Manager: "If you need me, just @ me"
Me: "Can you look at this right now?"
Manager: "Sorry I'm at a tennis match, I'll be 30mins"
3 hours later
Manager: "Do you still need me?"

...

Me: "A device died. Playbook says we have to flash it and lose all data on it, but we could go to the vendor for a solution if their fast enough. I just need you to make the call to deviate"
Manager: "Uggghhh" (goes offline for 2 hours)

Wtf man?!

This kind of random stuff happens to me often:

*comes home from going out*
*wants to sleep badly*
Brain: heyyy, why don't we take a look at some vps discounts!!!
Me: please, I want to FUCKING sleep.
Brain: oh come on...
Me: pls don't do this to me..
Brain: But vps discounts...
Me: oh FUCK YOU, I'll go look up some stuff.

My brain can be weird and annoying.

Have been working with javascript for 2 years and I just had a look at node.js docs.

This thing is orgasmic for a guy like me. So much power!

PersonX: Dude, I hate coding in Java. Wish we could do things in python for this project.
Me: welcome to the inner circle my friend.

*After taking a look at his python skills*

Me: I'm going to freaking kill this idiot using his own company provided laptop.

oh you want a code challenge for the interview? sure let me do that just like the 5 other companies i've had to do that for

like dude, look at any one of my multiple websites, saas apps, or mobile apps i've shipped. obviously i know what i'm doing

Scenario 1:
Me: *cover both ears with headphones, start listening to vicious metal, look angry, busy and determined*
Co-workers: "Oh hey! I need to understand ____"
Me: "Fuuuuu..."

Scenario 2:
Me: *place headphones on one ear, listen to gentle, approachable music at low volume with smile on face*
Co-workers: *crickets for hours*
Me: Fucking seriously? *commence Scenario 1*

The other day, I customer of ours asked me to try to improve the performance of an application of his in a particular method. The method in question taking more than 5 minutes.
I took a look at what it did in the profiler, and it shocked me. More than 100k selects to the database, to retrieve 116 records...
I took a look at the code... Scores of selects in nested loops inside other nested loops inside of... That seemed normal to them...
At the end after we improved it's performance it took 3 seconds...
What shocks me the most is that the customer is a developer himself, really knowledgeable and has an order of magnitude more experience than I do. Am I too anti "worthless database round-trips"? Is that normal? :S

I've been working on a thing and running on 5 hours of sleep daily.

* This morning in class*
Friend: Look at the dark circles! You need to quit playing PUBG. You are addicted.

Me: Busted! *🤯😠😤*

Programming helped me realise, that I'm growing.

Since I've learned git long time ago, all my projects are archived and I can get back to them. When I look at my old code, I can see, how much I've learned, and how much more of a developer I've become.

And it motivates me to keep going.

I have a coworker who comments every line of code he writes and it doesn't matter how simple the code is and it drives me crazy when I have to look at it. A real life example:

// Gets the total length of the server name string
var total = serverName.length;

Intern: "Hey Awlex, this function I'm using doesn't work. Can you help me?"
Me: "This function doesn't do what you are expecting. Did you even look at the docs for this function?"
Intern: "No."
Me: "... then start with that"

Some company invited me for coding challenge. Tbh, I can't be arsed. Why can't they look into my fucking git? There is way more info there about how I actually work, so why the fuck not look at what I have done than their fucking exam project?
Urghhhhhhh

Often I look at my seemingly perfect code 30cm away from screen, mumble "WTF", while asking me why it is not working.
My boss might think I'm retarded...

*decides to take another look at the Arduino Mega and LCD*
*suddenly realizes that this LCD controller that I bought has a different pinout*

"Alright, let's look at the seller's product page and they better have a pinout for this fucking thing"

*tries to log into AliExpress*
*can't login*

"At this point I don't even know anymore if it's China that fucked up again or whether this is another feature from the Facefucks"
"LOG ME FUCKING IN ALREADY YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!!"

And honestly, if I want to start a project, I want to work on the fucking project. I don't want to have to deal with all this shit instead!!!

Don't be me. Don't miss an interview because you don't know how timezones work and at least take a look at their website if you're applying for a web dev job.

Boss: our team in El Salvador is having problems with the app. Look at the email I forwarded you.

Me: oh yes. They are running the wrong ionic commands they need to run these commands.

Boss: okay, and that will fix everything?

Me:...Let's just have them enter the right commands...we can go from there.

Meeting yesterday:

Senior E: "Man, every time I do code review I thought this is the stupidest code ever written - then I look at the author, oh wait it's me"

Me: "Well, the perfect code is the code never gets written"

SE: "Casting appreciative look with a nod"

Not a rant, just a gag I do from time to time. Today a new colleague arrived. He presents himself and after sometime he asks me:
- so how long are you working here?
I look at my watch and say
- oh just about six years now.
They always look so confused 😂

Cousins came over...

Me: just compiling some python code, opens up jupyter notebook to take a look at some data science code
Little Sis: *looks at jupnb dump on cmd*
Whoa are you Hacking?
Me: yeah. I got bored of whole Hacking command typing thing so I opened up my hacker console.
*print("hello world")*
Sis:wow!
Me: you know what, typing is too tiresome, I'll connect to it with my mind
*alt-tab*
*cmatrix -b*
*sits in yoga pose*
Little Sis: Screams at the top of her lungs and runs to aunt
"DAVE IS HACKING MATRIX"

Drawing html5 canvas made me go to bathroom to look at the wall tiles and assumed it was a coordinate axis

Spent a month working on a website that relied on crawled data
Got the memory leaks and usage down from 700mb to ~150mb
CPU usage from ~100% to <5%
Shrink-wrapped the DB requirements based on data
Created self-supporting services and what not

When everything FINALLY worked good enough for me to look at it and go "damn, this actually worked"
the whole monitoring sys got dyed in red :v
A quick look up and my crawlers exhausted my godaddy's per-user db limits.

Kill me.
Just fuckin kill me.

4 Weeks ago i went to a Electronics store here in germany. My Intention was to look at some smaller laptios (12-14 zoll) to use while im traveling to my work. While i was looking at some Laptops i hear a conversation next to me between a customer and a guy working at the Electronic store.
He says to the customer That the Laptop has a 8 zoll Monitor pointing at the Laptops bottom. My First thought was wtf because i dont knwo any Laptop with an 8 Zoll screen but its still possible. After they done talking i walk to the Laptop and look at the Spot the guy was pointing at. There was a battery sign saying 8h battery duration. says no more :)

Other Dev: I worked really hard over the weekend to get the issue fixed, I raised a PR but it has a zillion merge conflicts. Would you mind taking a look at it?

Me: Ok. *Changes base branch away from Master.*

Other Dev: Whoa! How’d you fix them that so fast???

Me: Experience.

Not exactly a dev story, but an annoying experience overall. So, I was going to a Starbucks near me, I was too lazy to drive to the nearest shop that sells coffee, so I just went here. I was beginning my work (updating one of my old programs to a usable level). I was downloading some libraries from github for the project, as a middle-aged woman walks behind me. She looks at my laptop, and sees a terminal screen with git clone running. Now, I can understand, that if you aren't proficient at technology, a terminal can look suspicious. But she straight up said: "Stop hacking our passwords, it's illegal!". At this point, she walks over and asks the manager to come look. The manager comes, and calls their "IT guy". The supposed IT guy comes over, chuckles a bit and walks away. The manager proceeds to kick me out, and give me a warning to not come again.

Me to gf: hey hun look what I built! (Shows off new project)

Gf: (sees video playing in background) oh that's so cool! Did you do that? (Points at video)

Me: no, but look at this! (Shows off feature)

Gf: oh... well that's great hun, I'm so happy you are doing what you love

I missed 25 on call alerts over night.

Me and my wife did not budge. Look at me call history and I cleared my voicemail at 4am... No recollection of that at all.

Oh well!

Friend: You're good with computers right?
Me: well...yeah why?
Friend: can you have a look at my microwave? something's wrong with it...
Me: ::face palm::

When you look at some production code that has been released for 4 years and find a HUGE security, like catastrophic here is my server hack me flaw 😁

Me: *finds exploit in site at work*
Developer of site: "You talk bs"
Me: "lemme show ya"

While I was trying to demo it, the guy quickly patched it xD (making it look as if it didn't work in the first place)

Yesterday I pulled 36 straight hours of coding compression algorithms. So help me god, I never want to look at another... Until I need to continue next week. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

be me

be scrolling through craigslist out of boredom

apply to be an intern at a health nonprofit on a whim without doing proper research

*two days later*

randomly look at their website again

see the footer at the bottom: Proudly created with Wix.com

FUCK WHAT THE FUXKA S FICBW WJiB whziNs skid be eiizhw anish e s

Everytime I open Android Studio for the first time. I look at my code and I'm like "What is this? What was I thinking?". But 30 minutes later I'm so deep into the code I'm almost in a trance. Tell me I'm not the only one.

First time committing a ticket is scary… I can’t stop thinking how my colleagues and tech lead gonna look at my code and question me if I lied on my resume…

I just look at the calendar and notice I have 3 days to do what I was supposed to do in 3 weeks.
Coffee, music and for the love of God don't speak to me

I have a customer who seriously calls me, very upset, very bossy, telling me to let go of whatever I'm doing and take a look at this super urgent master bug that we probably are responsible for.

Nowadays I just giggle for myself and telling him I will take a look at it.

90% of the time it's caused by themselves or someone else...

End of sprint and the devs look at me like...

Mom, Look at me. I'm famous.

Seriously I would throw you guys a party if I knew y'all personally.

Did the 32 GB RAM upgrade! Look at me now mom, spending mad cash on my sick rig!

(Well, 40 bucks in this case. Literally.)

Me: * About to send e-mail *

Me: Does this look good? Shall I send it?

Colleagues: Yup, looks good

Me: * Sends e-mail *

Colleagues: Perhaps say something about X and mention Y at the end

-.-

When college professors want students to do college portal's works.
ACCEPT THE FUCKING WORK.

DO NOT CHANGE THE INITIAL REQUIREMENT WHILE I'M WORKING ON IT.

DO NOT CHANGE MY WORK WITHOUT ASKING ME OR AT THE LEAST NOTIFYING ME.

YOUR PORTAL LOOK HORRIBLE NOW WITH SHIT TIER MENU WHICH I SUGGESTED IN THE FIRST PLACE THAT IT WOULD LOOK GOOD THIS WAY. AND NOW YOU'VE MADE IT LOOK SO BAD MY EYES HAVE CANCER.

Started learning PHP bcuz @dfox loves it. Why not me?

(instantly)

WHY IS THERE SO MANY -> SIGNS???????
IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE AN ARROW AT ALL!!!!!!!!
IT SHOULD BE AT LEAST --> TO LOOK BETTER!!!!!

UUUURRRRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

(stops learning a few hours ago, got a refund)

(curses david)

How I think the audience look at me present the software I am developing now.

//computer class at school doing html

classmate:"Hey can you help me? that img isnt showing."

me:"Yeah of course" *look at screen and see a single line if code without spaces or anything*
"What are you doing? Why do you write everything in one line?"

classmate:"Ohh you can write it over multiple lines?"

me:"...."

At that time we worked with html for around 2 weeks

When I look at my juinors who are way smarter than me

First off, what do you mean by ´people like me´?

Do I look like an outer-space creature to you when you look at my profile? Or are you looking for a do-not-feed sign at the side of my wooden fence?

What even, .. I'm human, like you, you moron with a missing 'sapien'.

It's kinda ironic, as you can't even abide the maximum length your message has, which you speak of. Therefore I reckon you lost the second 'sapien' too.

Yes, now you may call me "people", and yourself... well you're mute. You monkey.

Just rambling. /ignored

When a colleague asks me to take a look at his code.

This motherfucker cocksucker E2E tester first pings me on slack that we are good. And then mails my manager that we are not. I don't mind him pinging me at 2am in night. But atleast he should tell that directly to me first not making me look like a fool. Such an asshole. I might just leave my company because of him. Motherfucking son of bitch.

Client: I just want a very basic modification, something a skilled developer could do in a couple hours.

Me: sounds great, can I look at your requirements?

*sees user-defined fields, workflows, navigation, roles, styling, customization everywhere*

D:

So a month after being rejected for a position because it is was the holiday season and the cogs were turning slowly...

Fucking bitch (ceo of corp) contacts me and invites me for another talk

Look lady, I landed another job while you didn't want me at that timeframe and your cogs needed oil... Tough loss ain't it lol 😳🙈

Product manager calls me at 7 PM. "There's gonna be a slight change in the module. You can reuse lot of existing code and I'm sure it won't take much for you to finish. "

Me: Okay, let me take a look at it tomorrow morning.

The next day I saw the spec change.

One and half weeks later, I'm still doing the change.

#FML

How do you handle narcissist managers?

Who look at you not as human beeing but as a thing to exploit for personal gain? Sure there's the business side (capitalism) but the human side of it bothers me.

Well look at me, high as fuck and drunk past reasoning fixing the production environment. Wish me luck.

Seeing so many posts of unsupportive family members makes me sad. :(

I was supported a lot by my family, got provided with all the books I wish for... In a time when there was no Stackoverflow or good tutorials.

I read most books during high school and got beat up for it... But look at me now! :D

Sometimes when I'm working on some front end stuff, I'll forget that I should look at the local file and instead look at the version online. I spend about 5 minutes every time figuring why it doesn't change before I realize just how stupid I am. It gets me every time. Every gosh diggity darn time.

Just had my year 1 review.
They love what I've done so far, exceeded every expectation. But the salary will be looked at 6 months from now. It's already awful enough at work.

About time to look for something new in case they take the piss out of me in 6 months.

Recruiters on linkedin...

Recruiter: You'd be a great fit for this senior position! Let's chat!
Me (knowing I'm not senior level): Sure, let's chat!
Recruiter: Wait, you only have 3 years experience. You're not really qualified.
Me: Yup. You should probably look at a profile before starting a conversation.

Everytime I present to an older client (40+) his new website, he look at me like I am some kind of magician, when I show him, that he can easily add & replace any text or image. Surely I am.

senior dev told me yesterday - stop thinking like a manager, look at the big picture!

shouldn t it be the other way around?

Client: This feature is already present in one of my other projects, you just need to copy paste it.

Me: Ohh, I will have a look at it :)

What I felt: Nothing in code works with 'just copy paste!! Bitch.

AND YOU ARE THE 100TH PERSON TELLING ME THAT, SO...... YOU HAVE DIE!

Finally I was able to look into css grids in more detail and gotta say it's impressive, also "grid-template-areas" made me chuckle for a bit, at how unusual and easy you can define layouts (even compatible with media queries!), which are also heavily obvious and readable, reminds me of the old games where characters were just symbols.

Uhhh look at me I R node.js developer I R so smart I write Java Scripts on the backend uuuhhhhhh

Idiots.

Why am I a rockstar today? So glad you asked! I used "sed" without having to look at the manual. 12 files updated, 10 minutes saved... that's some good time to devRant if you ask me.

so wait... the recruitment agency just gave me the wrong FUCKING ADDRESS.

THAT JUST FUCKING HAPPENED.

Get your head out your arse, and take a fucking proper look at the appointment details, instead of checking your goddamn phone constantly.

Fucking hell, I'm angry.

In 2013: *opens cmd* "look at me I'm a hacker, I can hack your Facebook"

Now in 2019 : *copying some python examples* "I'm a hacker now, I made a bot for hacking your discord server"

So, I'm 100% sure that in a year I'll look back at today and ask why I thought it was a good idea to implement a feature this way.

Looks good to me today, that's all I know. I'm done ✅

If you are thinking long before writing a commit message just look at me.

When my friend wants me to look at his stack trace for him.

Model without conv2:
"I'm gonna be poor and miserable and barely give you .96 acc after much training."

Model with conv2:
"Ahoi! Look at me score .95 in the first epoch!"

😤

Why the fuck are you making me put in my email to look at a computer desk? I saw an ad and was curious about it and the price, so I clicked the ad. I don't give a shit and don't actually plan to buy anything, just let me look asshats.

Shit like this is why you have an email inbox with 650,087 emails about a fucking privacy policy update.

PM: "Did you ever push changes for this one feature?" Me: "No. I haven't had time to even look at it. Everyone wants me to do stuff before my last day." PM: "okay so is it done yet or not?". If i haven't looked at it, if it's not pushed, HOW THE HELL WOULD IT BE DONE?!

Once again, I have to go with the guy that, after seeing my horrible (I can't highlight this enough) code, decided that even I wasn't hopeless, and went on teaching me the basics of software engineering, top-down design and unit testing. All of this in two days, but it gave me the motivation to work on it, and look at me now: I'm a devRanter :')

>Gets assigned to this private Game server's project
>Boss wants me to improve the anti advertisement chat
> k
> Looks at old code
> Code is replacing unicode characters to latin ones that look similar which are being used for advertising
> lol'd who tf developed this
> regex101, building a regex query with endless of possibilities (would look something like this) /((L|\|_|I_)(O|0|\[\]|\(\))(L|\|_|_))/gi to detect lol
> Adds alot of similar looking unicode characters to assure that it will find something
> Works really well in the dev version
> Server open hour
> 30 players
> All chat at the same time
> CPU 100%
> BOSS NEVER TOLD ME TO MAKE IT EFFICIENT

After ten years of working sh*t jobs I finally got the chance to study CompSci at a top university... All the kids look at me as if I've been programming for years, truth is I just study a lot because my scholarship requires me to get B+ or above.

Friend: can you take a look at my code, there’s this bug that I’m having trouble with.

Me: yea sure.

Friend shows me IntelliJ with the default white theme...

Me: WTF man, my eyes are burning.

Never looking at his code again. At least until he changes to a dark theme.

Why do recruiters keep thinking they can contact me 5 months after i last spoke to them? Look at me LinkedIn. I have a job!

Developer tells me jenkins job is broken and to fix it.Doesn't even look at the test report. "Works fine locally." 3 failed tests.

*At the Maker Faire in Milwaukee; I’m looking at a computer with a friend that his brother built*

Old Guy: This is pretty cool! You guys should start a YouTube channel. Look, you even have a pretty girl who can show it off!
Friend: *looks at me awkwardly* Or you can, you know, be a programmer too...

😑😑😑

So I had a nice conversation with man who develops web for around 30 years , he said he loved angular 2 , but he doesn't get the reason of html5 , I just look at him with a straight face thinking " god , you testing me ?"

Look at this guy. He can barely talk but already be messing with some tech stuff.

I remember myself from the age of five. I remember two things: how they asked me how old I was and I looked at my hand showing all five fingers and that I always knew I’ll be doing something tech when I grow up.

- Me: oh look at those earBuds, they're cool !
- *Me looking at my bank account balance*
- Naah not that good, who needs them anyway !

So what's up with @chaosesqueteam ? Are his posts really THAT good (look at their updoots), or does he own a bot squad in dR? To me personally his posts do not make any sense (at least the recent ones)

What do we do about it?

Do you plan to develop a mobile app which works cross platform? DONT USE IONIC(2). JUST DONT. Thank me later. Have a look at react native (not perfect but much better)

Today it is the day of:

"Ok just a few more changes and this thing is good to go. Let me just look at this for a bit to make sure the changes work and...."

And now I'm looking at some APIs spitting out garbage and somehow everything is working and I'm questioning if I know anything at all now :O

Goodbye, imposter syndrome.

Today I patched a StackOverflowException bug (that I myself introduced a few months ago) which caused the prod application to crash the other day.

Now I truly feel like I belong! 😂

For me it is not difficult to explain other people what I am doing as a programmer, but what company I am working for. We write software for the administration of cemeteries. People often look at me like I am joking. So I was wondering: What was your weirdest project/Job as a developer?

Client: Can you have a look at this website template for me?
Me: Sure, what's the address?
Client: You'll need to modify your hosts file to see it...
Me: 😡😷

Anyone else slightly annoyed by the recent uptick of "look at me cute and I'm a programmer" accounts on Instagram? NO YOU WRITE JAVASCRIPT AND RUN WHATS BASICALLY A LIFESTYLE INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT. SIT DOWN.

So at my work no one ever like talks to me, so today someone was talking to me and I had to look behind me twice to realise that someone was actually talking to me. Such fun.

me giving advice to beginners: don't feel bad about your code. as long as it gets the job done, it's good

also me: don't look at my code. it's terrible!

Sometimes I look at my co-worker's code and want to vomit. My poor eyes. Also loves to tell me something should work and hasn't tested it...

The thing that disturbs me the most while working is the urge to look at my Mobile every 10 mins. Would consider shifting back to a Nokia 1100. XD.