Under settings, we made a checkbox labeled “Run Program Faster”. The state was saved but it didn’t do anything.

We turned it “on” when people said things were slow. Usually they were happy and no one complained the “run faster” option wasn’t working.

"Don't use git, it is too complicated and we don't have time for this."

2 days later the same person made changes directly on the FTP which I later unknowingly overwrote.
Take that you imbecile!

My app just reached 10k users today🎉🎊

About 10 years ago my wife and I were buying a house. We found out late that we needed a lot more cash than we had previously thought we needed, and the deadline to deliver it was just a few days away. After returning home from my full-time gig at about 6pm, I took a break for a bit and then worked all night on a job for a client to make up the extra money. When 7am rolled around I had just finished up. Then I went back to work at my full-time job, and later met with the client to present my work. It was roughly 27 hours at a keyboard for me. That effort made it possible for us to successfully buy our first home. If you want something badly enough, make it happen!

Phone rings
Uh oh
Answers the phone
Its my boss
>the latest tool you made isnt working
Um... Yes it is?
>we cant run it because its a jar file
Um..
>how to you run a jar file?
Um... You click on it?
>it doesnt work, nothing shows up
(Maybe if you fucking read my documentation, you would see that it just generates the files you need)
>there are no files
Yes there are we tested on every possible hardware, theres no way to fuck it up
>there are no files
Okay maybe you just dont see them on your desktop, move the jar to an empty folder
>how do i do that

*hangs up*

Android app update available! I wonder what they've changed? 🤔

Changelog: "We improved the app and made it better."

Well thanks. 🖕

The worst career choice I ever made was walking away from a six figure salary software development job with benefits to focus on the small startup I co-founded just a few years earlier. My wife and I had two small children at the time and my wife was also nearly 8 months pregnant with our third. It resulted in an approximate 70% reduction in income, prematurely cashed out 401k and loss of existing health insurance.

To be fair, it was also simultaneously the best career choice I ever made. Three years later I make more now than I originally walked away from. The raw roads of stress, anger, fear and complete uncertainty have aged both me and my wife at an accelerated rate but we have grown closer to each other than we would otherwise be. We have relied on each other, and she has been unbelievably supportive with all the late nights and required traveling. We discovered what we are capable of. In one day it will be October. In one day it will be the month that we finally pay off our last batch of credit card debt that resulted from that career choice.

I cannot recommend following in our footsteps as from where I’m sitting there are much better, more calculated ways of going about it. Logically, what we did was beyond stupid. Luckily for us, we were still young enough to not grasp the full magnitude of stupidity and we also refused to fail. It’s also crucial to have stellar business partners who are just as crazy and just as determined. We have all labored tremendously and we have each played critical roles in our success. The hard times of fear and uncertainty aren’t over. I don’t think they will ever be, to be honest. But, it sure has been one hell of a ride. I wouldn’t change a thing.

Me: would you like me to design the website as well?
Client: no, we have a web designer. you just have to implement it.
Me: *receives the design, made with powerpoint* 😐

Our designer (and frontender) just saved my ass big time. Had to do a tiny project involving design and frontend so I gave it a try and it looked like crap, deadline in a week. The designer made the most beautiful thing in like two days.

Kudos to all designers for doing what they're good at and ensuring that we, backenders (and cyber security people for that matter), can do our thing without having to worry about knowing how to design stuff and create interfaces because we might hate doing that and sometimes just really suck at it.

Kudos designer guys/girls!

We used to do this more often - but to kind of bring it back - what is everyone working on this weekend?

I’m working on some new API endpoints for the awesome new devRant web version that @trogus made that we’re releasing soon.

Share your weekend project!

Just had a customer complain that the website didn't work in Microsoft Edge. After a WordPress update and slight CSS correction everything was fine. Then backend got a hold of us kindly asking "What the effervescent F*** is going on with that website"

Apparently it loads half a gig of data from our servers with each visit, we made the website and host it but we did not cause this. Further inspection shows that it's all images.

Me and the youngest (and possibly brightest) guy in the bunch view the PHP to try and control the amount of posts loading when visiting the start page as a means of controlling this issue.

We soon reached a conclusion we didn't expect, everything was in one post..........

First day at new web dev job:
Me: what IDE do you guys use?
Coworker: Notepad/notepad++
M: Okay... Any version control?
C: Oh we don't need it. We just update the server pages.
*Boss walks in*
Boss: Heres the project for you to do just need you to rebrand this web app we made for client A for client B just need to change some scripts. Should only take afew hours.

I take a look. No comments. Not formatted. Missing braces and brackets. Semicolons at odd places and missing at others. 7802 lines of code...

Every goddamn time.

Boss: Hey, how is the project going?
Me: promising. We have some basic functions working, but at this point it is more like a proof of concept.
Boss: Ah ok, I see.

Couple of days later...

Boss: I talked to a client who was very interested in the stuff you are just building. Made a really good deal! We need to be live by the end of the week.
Me: What?
Boss: What?

Dev : Every user in your organisation requires their own username and password...

User: Why?

Dev: Because if everyone uses one account, every note, product, message etc made by all the user's will be saved to that one account and confuse the he'll out of everyone using it when they can't find their 'own' information they made/captured/downloaded.
We just need the user emails.

User:We can't give you all the user emails just use one account ....
(The reason for not providing us the emails is purely cause it would require user to do work and that's out of the question)

Dev: Uhm ok, but this is not what you want, and *interrupts*

User: It is what we want, do it like that everyone will understand and it will make the system easier.

*Two weeks later*

User: Why is there only one account? Why doesn't everybody have their own account? This is not what we wanted.

... The shit you have to deal with when you are on holiday ...

client: the math on this investment calculator you made is wrong.

me: ok, how is it wrong?

client: one of our salesmen sais it not calculating correctly.

me: that's fine. i just need an example, or the corrected formula to use.

client: on this other website we put in the same information and it comes out different.

me: ok, let me investigate... this other site adds a fee every month so the output is different. If i turn that off the calculations are the same. would you like to add a monthly fee field?

clients: no, the calculator is working how we want then.

repeat 5 times at 3 month intervals.

client: the interest calculator is broken again. didn't we just fix it?

me: it was never broken. your people just can't math.

With the other members of the team refusing to learn git and making changes directly to the staging server i get to write the commit messages for everyone.

Log:
UPDATE: *informative details *

UPDATE: mark made some changes

UPDATE: colin made the same changes as mark but different

UPDATE: andrew undid all colins updates to change one link and I had to add them back in, thank gawd I commit the night before

BUGFIX: andrew keeps changing the database host to localhost and uploading it without changing it back

UPDATE: we all hate andrew

I'm proud to announce a new project made by myself and @thejohnhoffer, that started on devrant.

We started collaborating after I made a rant about machine learning and, since then we've been working hard on a plain language blog that simplifies machine learning concepts.
We call it learn-blog.
Check it out at ironman5366.github.io/learn-blog

Getting annoyed by the framework made by school which we had to use. We werent allowed to use Laravel or other frameworks.

What did I do with a classmate, we expanded on the schools framework. Added a templating engine, improved routing, made a query builder and a few other things before startimg the real project. 4 weeks of building the framework to build the application in a day.
Where others were still using the schools framework were strugglimg and not able to make it.

Because we all have that code that never made it...

I needed this, we needed this, so i made it

We all once printed "Hello World" & were acting like a pro 😏
Cheers, we all made it till here, more than "Hello World! 🍺

*Programers can't spell*

In a previous job, I once spelled inquiries as enquiries. It was a service and it was used in many places throughout the app. Somehow, it made it through peer review and even my teammates started using the misspelled word.

I didn't realize my mistake till months later and by that time I thought it was too much work to fix it (or I was too lazy).

I'm pretty sure we even misspelled it for the on-screen texts.

Moral of the Story: know how to spell shit

Client: "We don't want line breaks in that column make it 500px wide!"
Me: Makes the column 500px wide. Sees that the line breaks are still there. Asks if it should be made wider to fit the text.
Client: "Just implement what we send you"
Me: Ok (thinking wtf)
Client after testing: "Why are there still line breaks?!?"
🙄😥😤😭
Why the actual hell can't they get there freaking requirements in order?!? This shit happens with every fourth request!

Co-worker: "We would appreciate it if your future commits weren't so ignorant and bigoted"
Me: "Excuse me?"
Co-worker: "You made the gender variable a boolean"
I... But... Okay...

We interrupt your usual scrolling to inform you that.... you made it!

**********************
* ITS THE WEEKEND *
**********************

You may continue scrolling now ⬇️⬇️

Actually just 2 hours ago my boss showed me his "hack" which solved a problem he worked on half of the day.
My eyes suddenly began to itch heavily and I felt a strong urge to quit immediately.

The problem was no big thing and we actually spoke about it at noon and I made a proposition how he could solve it.
Turns out he .... aaaaaahhhh I better do not mention it, as it may summon evil spirits... sorry.

Can we all take a moment to appreciate what a complete mess web technologies are.

We're abusing a markup language made for scientific writing, by styling it with css and in order to make it dynamic somehow, we run a weird ass scripting language on the clientside.

Because nobody really wants to use this burning garbage can, some of us invented web frameworks.

And let's not get started on php...

Joomla!

We took PHP and made it worse... somehow.

Code. Scotch neat. Happy Friday ladies and gentlemen.

Dev: This content might be too large to fit into this area on mobile.
We might need to add scrolling or design it differently.

Designer: It fits perfectly in the design.

Dev: But the user might have a smaller screen size than in the design.

Designer: We don‘t optimize for small screens.

Dev: But we still need to handle it somehow.
Also, the text might be longer for other languages.

Designer: No problem, we will provide short text for all translations.

Dev: We have 30 languages and the translations are made by a third party. We can not control it.

Designer: We‘ll manage somehow.

Dev: Also, the user might be using an accessibility setting on the device which makes the font size larger.

Designer: Unlikely

Dev: Also, the available screen size might be reduced by the on-screen keyboard.

Designer: … Ok then.

-

It‘s always a conversation like this. It repeats indefinitely.

Made the mistake of mentioning ISO27001 security standard near management.

- "What?? Why don't we have that certificate?! Why are you not thinking about this?"
- "We don't need it."
- "Of course we do! we must have the highest standards!! Lets hire some lawyers and security consultants to help us get certified!"

A week later:
"Ok, turns out we don't need it."

Satan give me strength...

Well, just remembered a fuck up one of my friends and me did. Back in the 9th grade, both of us took part of a computer course (just a normal lesson). He got me into programming. So after half a year we "hacked" into the school server. Tbh it was quite simple. The server did a backup each week in a specific folder. The problem was, the backup file had no proper rights set. Everyone had access to it. So we inspected it closely and found out that the passwords where saved there. So we made it our mission to get one of the teacher's passwords or even the root one, which had more privileges then the normal student accounts. After about 2 days we managed to crack one of them (using a hash table available for download). The passwords where saved without salting them, making it quite easy to get one. Now we were sitting there, having access to a teacher's account. So we logged in and tried to figure out what to do next. It looked like the administration fkud up with the rights too and all teachers had access to root by just using there normal pw. Well, the Grand final is coming. We put a script into the startup of the server (which restarted at 4:30 AM each Friday). The only line that was written in it was "./$0|./$0&"

We never got caught. And it was a heck of fun ^^

Everyday I wake up, I just think where did humanity go wrong? What mistakes were made? How the fuck did we end up with IE? And why do people still use it?

Coworker: Hey, you made some changes over here in module X?

Me: Yeah. The old way was deprecated and we need to switch all of our modules over to the new way.

Coworker: Okay. I'm working in module Y now. When are you going to get to it and make those changes?

Me: ... I sent out an email and a message in group chat saying we all need to make these changes as we find them.

Coworker: Uh-huh. So when are you going to update this? It's blocking me.

I was working for a startup that needed to update 300 machines that had just come from the factory. We had to open all 300 boxes and update them one at a time. I made a simple script that would run a folder full of shell scripts then keep track of what it ran so it would not run the same script twice. It made it so we could just plug the machines into the internet, they would query some server, download my program, and run it. It saved me from having to ssh into every machine and run commands. Well the head programmer guy saw what I did and implemented it as the main program that would update the entire machine. I didn't program anything into it to verify updates, the shell scripts did not return any indication of success or failure, and I made it in less than 3 hours. It was supposed to be a temporary program to be used for those 300 machines only, but ended up sticking around for 2 years.

I’ve begun to notice a distinct pattern with devs. I realise it has probably always been there but Im just thinking out loud as Ive started to actively notice it.

*Dev has literally one problem with a library/framework/environment*

“Holy crap <NAME> is the worst thing ever!! its actually worse than an STD. whoever made it needs to quit making software and become a goat farmer” (paraphrasing of course)

What is it with us that the second we have difficulty with a library or framework we immediately brand it as a cancerous polyp on the anus of humanity?

So, for an assignment we have a task of developing an IT product for a business to solve one of their problems. One of the project development examples contains the following screenshot.
You can tell, from this screenshot that whoever made a screenshot of this example has no idea what they're doing.

For my school project that was due awhile back my group ran into the problem of a certain feature not working on a site we made. I had a test version of the site and it was working perfectly. Both the test version and the project site had the exact same code. We couldn't figure out why it wasn't working and so we just turned it in and took the point hit.

Today I was thinking about it because I was still annoyed/upset that the site feature didn't work. I started talking it through with a friend and in the middle of it stopped-I figured out why it didn't work. My teammate didn't actually update the database, he just downloaded the code to the database and was using an outdated version of it. I suddenly stood up and screamed, "F***!" At the top of my lungs.

I startled my friend so bad that she spilt beer all over herself.

On the screen: four text boxes cycling through rainbow color backgrounds and spinning wildly in circles.

Manager walks in.

Here's the context.

We were pair programming and working on a simple form. We were just finishing up the style, and I suggested we use a CSS3 animation to make the invalid fields pulsate a light red once.

I'm the young guy in the office, so I am most familiar with the "new" front end stuff like flex and CSS3.

My colleague was unfamiliar with CSS3 animations, so I implemented the red flash quickly and showed him.

He was curious what else you could do with CSS3 animations, so I changed my "to/ from" to a "0%/ 25%/ 75%/ 100%" style animation to show how keyframes worked. Then I made the animation iterations infinite so it went on forever. Of course, I didn't have any normal colors on hand so I just went with my debug colors: red, green, blue, yellow, etc.

We submitted the form with invalid inputs and sure enough, they flashed rainbow colors. It looked pretty funny so I thought "haha, lets quickly add rotation while we're at it"

That's the point where the education turned to a little fun but it wasn't going to take more than a second.

So we did it and it looked pretty funny and it actually made me laugh. Then we started discussing next steps on the form (back-end). Discussion lasted maybe five minutes before our manager visited to update us.

As we were discussing, the invalid controls were still spinning and rainbow colored in the background. Whoops.

The words we managed to say were just "It's invalid" and then we broke out laughing.

Our college has PC's with Pentium Core 2 Duo processors and 1 GB RAM. We are made to code Java on windows using default notepad and cmd. There's nothing more infuriating than that.

Me: Ma'am, can we use any IDE for our mini project or finals?

She: No kid, you can't just use that. This is code you have to write it.

Me: Wut?

FUCK THE EU!

Ok I said it, what? Someone had too.

Can we all move on now?

Ps: if you made it this far, be sure to ++ for your angers and frustrations over the current articles we all know and hate.

Am so fricking happy right now. Last year I posted a screenshot of one my apps hitting over 10k downloads. Well today i woke up and another one of my apps has over 12k monthly active users too. Feeling like a champion!

Found out a senior dev threw me under the bus for a mistake I made while coding and it affected my raise. Not only was I never initially informed of the mistake, I was never told what went wrong and why it needed fixing. We also don't implement code reviews or anything of the sort. Seems like a great avenue for improvement and growth, right? 😑

Since the beginning of this year our IT department has a new boss. He has no idea about IT, but worked with the other departments and CEO + management on an new business strategy. The other department bosses recogniced that this guy is stupid and only talking hot air, but not the CEO and management.
The IT part of the strategy is abstract and bullshit. The IT Team (we) was not included in building this. We only got the "finished" presented.
So our Team should integrate 6 big new systems (ERP, CRM,...) within 1,5 years. No system is actually fixed and the IT boss is only saying: "Its easy, just some interfaces to connect".
Nice additional: CEO says: Either we go with the strategy or we can leave the company.

My decision is made.

Where I work we develop drivers and command-line software for embedded systems. The contracts we have with our customers tend to be in the £100k-£500k range and are usually completed in 6 - 9 months; our team is made up of 20 developers. You would think that it would be worthwhile investing in the department. But no, instead we have to deal with >10 year old build servers on their last legs; limited numbers of development boards with wires soldered on so that we can keep up with new board revisions; no room for R&D into new products; and to top it all off, not one of the executives has a laptop on par with the placement students in the next department. It's like the company is trying to kill the department, we've seen our staffing dwindle with no new graduate (or higher) positions being made available in the last 3 years while we've lost at least 5 people to other places. I just don't get it!

!dev-related

Didn't think that'd ever happen, but I got back together with my girlfriend.

We hadn't seen each other for a while due to... let's call it a "very unfortunate combination of circumstances", which made me sad (and her too, apparently).

Some years ago I was in cyber security in the military being shown some new tech for our use. Was challenged to try and get past it after being explained it's basics. Took me one long line in Linux about 10 seconds.
Anomaly detection firewall with machine learning seemed like a good idea.
Setting it to aggressive response and then change the package header to the firewall's own address however made it kill itself.

We didn't deploy that firewall that I know of.

Boss: We should thoroughly test any changes made. Let it run in the test version for a few weeks before we wide release.

Also Boss: I want to add this tiny feature that is low priority because I am the only person that needs it. Wide release it right away.

Just received this beauty by a customer. They "made some changes to the HTML". WTF?! Also, alongside was another docx called "printscreen.docx" with only a picture and nothing more in it. I would really like to laugh, but it would evolve into sad, depressing crying.

(Sorry for the "screenshot", but this is on a very restricted Winshit laptop we got from the company who buys our stuff.)

Hey fam, first post in devrant!

Possible client comes up to me and asks me what my mockup for his app looks like. I show it to him on running on my Android device.

Him: where are all the images and descriptions/info?

Me: you didn't give me any. I just made what it could look like if we had images and descriptions.

Him: well talk to some people in the departments and put it in.

Me: but that's not my job. You wanted me to make what it could look like if we actually went through with this project.

Him: okay. How hard would it be to make it for Apple?

Noooooooooo... I'm out.

A follow up from my previous rant about a dev colleague in the security company we work for consistently forgetting to lock his screen...he's done it again, so I made him a dickbutt loop this time

This is not really a job and I didn't get paid money for it, but I hope it counts.
I am in college now. There are a bunch of eateries on campus, and while I was at one, I started talking to the owner. The guy was an entrepreneur and had a whole bunch of outlets across various college campuses. One thing led to another, and I agreed to make an Android app for his outlets that would allow customers to place orders for home delivery.
It takes me and a friend a few weeks to get it ready, but we managed to do it. Also we made a website for the administration and viewing of orders.
In return for this, the owner offers me unlimited free food at his outlet.
It's been almost two years since I made it, and I still get free food.

We made a simple SMS application - when there is alert in a building, SMS is sent to specific range of numbers, based on the alert type. After a month we received invoice of approx. 10K € from the client, my colleague was supposed to pay
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After checking the logs and running tests on module, we found out it was not our fault, client then told us he played with SIM-card while module was sending SMS and somehow he managed to fu*k up. I still don't get it, partially.. Mobile service provider doesn't give a sh!t about sending tons of SMS/hour? No warning, nothing..

Ahh.. Clients, right?

There's this WebDesigner who wants every single website made pixel-perfect to his design.

We usually spend like 1 extra month on each website just because we can't do it pixel-perfect for each resolution

Now I'm working on yet another of his websites and his brother is beside me as a stagist

Am I allowed to insult the designer and swear against him every 5 minutes or so?

Week till deadline

PO: are we going to have feature xyz ?
Me: it wasn't in the original spec, we'll put it in the next spec.
PO: but we made a new spec for this fase yesterday and it is in that one.
Me: you can't do that you signed off the original spec before development started
Po: but we've signed this one off too
Me: ...

Today the 'restrict account' feature I made hit production. Restricted an account and got an angry email with broken english.
Funniest shit that happened today. Made me proud.

To top it off we might get free loadtesting lol

Staying at friend's place bcz he had corei5 and I had p4 for uni project. We were making arch linux and package installation took whole night on slow net. Made bash script of possible sequence of commands and we slept.

In morning when we woke, it was perfect!

So, my boss is pretty cool. Two of my colleagues made a review of my code (me being new, also on job training). We three were sitting in front of my code, me explaining enthusiastically my code, one of my colleagues looked a bit confused. My boss listening to the whole conversation, he said: "Her code works perfectly". But the way he said it, priceless! I swear, he had a very 'bitchy' voice and also waved while saying that. He looked proud, and we started to laugh.

The boss made us to set a shitty background (pattern) to the website we are working on right now but it looks ugly as hell. I tried to change his mind several times but no, he fucking loves that background.

I've made a social dashboard to pull tweets/instagrams with certain hashtags for a big company event we have next week, which will be on all the big screens. We've been testing it this week on some of the screens. This morning, a Twitter spam bot posted a rather explicit picture of 2 girls having some fun, with one of the hashtags.. It was on the screens for 20 minutes before I realised. 😢

DO NOT be afraid to argue with people. It doesnt matter who they are. Senior engineers, tech leads, delivery managers, if you know something is wrong make it heard. I made a point of telling my Project Manager that the current project is the worst ive ever seen. The technology is awful and we all hate the development. They need to know this stuff. And if they come to you with a deadline that you dont think you can make, say it then and there. Then they cant come back and say why isnt this done. Basically dont just do as youre told. If we needed that we would get robots to do our job. We need people who think and have opinions and make those opinions heard at the appropriate level.

So we have a bug.
Yesterday I spend the morning sorting through other people's code to find out what is causing this bug report it to team leader once I find it. He asks me find out who made it and hunt them down! So git blame... Turns out it was him :S felt awkward mentioning it to him so didn't. 5 minutes later team leader "oh it was me"

Work enforced a screensaver policy - a corporate screensaver that even us local admin devs can't change.
I swiftly made a .reg script and distributed it.
We all laugh whenever someone's "Ribbons" screensaver starts up.
I love using my powers for evil.

When i worked in IT there was a client who bringed his desktop saying that it gets really hot and made some noices. When we opened the case we found a giant dead rat inside, its tail was tangled in a fan. It smelled horrible.

My friend is a 1st time programmer. When we learned about tabs vs spaces in our mandatory beginners c++ class, the friend said "what, you can use spaces?" and I said "yes, of course, like this!" and demonstrated it. The friends reply, without knowing about the controversy, made my day:

*silence*
"well, thats dumb"

Working in security for many years only granted me world-class paranoia about taking pictures of myself and my family. It even made it hard to keep in touch with my friends as we don’t live in the same country anymore.

The good side is that it pays well enough to grant me a platinum foil hat.

Ever since i was a little boy, i was fascinated by the stars in the sky and what made them shine. I used to wonder how our universe came in to being. What made it what it is today. What will happen to it long after we re gone. Will it die? Will it live forever? How big is it? Why is it big if it s big and why is it small if it s small. "God did it" was never a satisfying answer for me. God does not play dice as Albert Einstein said. So many questions went through my 10 12 year old mind. Until someone recommended to me the book, "A brief history of time". The book answered a lot of my questions and gave birth to more. Computer science is like my crush. I love it as a friend. But Astrophysics, its the true love of my life. It not only quenches my thirst, but it satisfies my curiosity, while making me more curious. Its an endless cycle. It teaches us that we came from the stars, we go back in the dirt, and only to be returned to the stars again.
Stephen Hawking, his work, his books, taught me so much. Inspired me. Made me more curious. And today the world has truly lost, one of its greatest people.
You will be missed Sir Hawking. RIP.

First week in the job and I was told to update an intranet page. Opened it in notepad, made the change and saved it.

Turned out it was a SharePoint site and saving it in notepad broke all the links and turned it into a static page. Even worse, it was the homepage of the intranet.

I blame lack of training and, in hindsight, how awful SharePoint is.

Anyway, at least we successfully tested the backup process...

We work in an office where we must lock our computer screens because our screens may have confidential information on them, plus you could do things as the person without taking any blame (ie sending an email).
Anyways anytime someone forgets to lock their screen we always prank them pretty hard. The greatest thing we ever did was in our latest release we had our managers buy us drinks at the pub. Well our managers left to go to the pub and one of them forgot to lock their computers. So we downloaded an image of the blue screen of death and made it full screen, unplugged his mouse and keyboard for added effect, and locked his computer. He came in the next Monday and couldn't log in because his keyboard wouldn't work. He actually called IT to bring him a new keyboard and mouse... then he unlocked his computer and freaked out with the IT guy because there was the blue screen of death. Needless to say he got a brand new computer as well as a new mouse and keyboard.

I'd call it a win win?

I presented a graduation relevant project this week.
We re maked our school website. Our teachers liked it, the most students liked it too.
But at the beginning I made wrong decisions.

The guy who should design it made nothing and at the presentation, he told that you need a pencil and eraser to design a website.
A "friend" of mine should do the HTML/CSS part but instead of finish it, he made a not working search bar in JS and was like "I made this, it doesn't work and we don't need it but give me attention"

I hate working in a group.

Sorry for spelling mistakes, English is not my native language.

Okay karma, why?!

I made some backup scripts, it should dump our MongoDB every 30 Minutes... Nope I didn't test if there's something in the tar and yes it's my fault but now we needed this backup AND THE ONLY BACKUP SCRIPT WHICH DIDN'T WORK WAS THE ONE WHICH BACKUPS THE DATABASE...

COME OOOOON

Well I'm a first year student in computer science and in the first semester we started to learn C language and the IDE they told us to use for better learning was Devcpp.
We made a few small projects and all went well, but now in the second semester we started to make bigger projects with linked lists and memory allocation and Devcpp starts to be a complete bug itself... We are working hard in the project and after saving the project with no errors at all, at the next day, Devcpp starts to make any function we made invalid...
So we spoke to the same teacher about this and asked what can we do about it....
"Are you using Devcpp? You shouldn't, it is not that good for C"...
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

PM: "Please try to prioritize this request that we made last Friday at 5pm over all your other high priority stuff we know you're busy and we should have requested this 3 months ago... but now we need to deliver next week and well we need it"

5 minutes later "When can you deliver that?"
Another 5 minutes later "Sorry can you give me that delivery date? We REALLY need it"

Well maybe if you leave me in peace and I can concentrate on my job rather than answering silly requests I can make up an idea of how much time I need to deliver... but of course I'm just a code monkey, I press some randome keys and the magic happens.

Damn simulation.

Some juniors grabbed keyboard and reprogrammed main species to stay at home and fear of death while I was busy working with other features.

Moreover someone made additional changes from infected computer and guess what....

Unfortunately it’s real time system with increasing entropy and we can’t revert changes so fixing damn shit would take from one to two decades.

We don’t have backups cause last time we used them we also killed dinosaurs.

It would be just easier to erase everything and start from beginning cause our statistics charts are fucked up - again but motherfucker boss don’t want to do it.
He’d rather teleport again to adjust the world. Damn fucker thinks he’s god but in fact he’s just prick with rich parents.

I’ve decided to piss him off by adjusting planet thermostat so we can start over.
2 years more and changes would be irreversible.

Damn job.

Today we migrated from TFVC to Git.

Emotional times. This may become the reason for a future rant or it may be the best decision we've ever made (had made for us).

I wish I can fucking clone myself.

We have been providing digital marketing services for like 5 years without having a proper QA team. Well because we cannot afford to hire one. Technically I am supposed to check and control the quality of our operation team. But I have been juggling so many balls and couldn't do that properly.

So this year we decided that we have to seriously take care of that. But we are providing all kinds of services and creating a QA team for all those services is gonna be costly. We wanna solve it, but also doesn't wanna hang ourselves with another rope. So we have decided to just found a QA team with leaders from various departments mainly Sales and Customer Services. They are the ones who have talked with clients. So they should be able to judge the quality of the services our operation made.

It is a fucking nightmare. It is like we have doubled the amount of clients. And that extra half of those newly popped up clients are sitting in our office.

Sorry fellow dev from another company, we really appreciated your help even though it was your free day. There is little chance you are also on devRant, but if you are we cant thank you enough debugging the dll provided by you and even supplying us with a dev version in which you made some changes for us to perform some extra tests. The changes looks promising as far as we have seen for now.
This might save our asses.

A colleague and I were asked to build a website to show every product from a chain of hardware stores. Each product (1000+ products) needed a 3D model and we needed to recreate the model ourselves from stock photographs. The idea was the user could rotate a product and it from any angle. We also needed to write a description for each product without ever seeing any of them. There were only 2 of us, a 5 week deadline and it needed to be made in Silverlight. The whole thing lasted about 3 days before we convinced them it was impossible!

We had a quiz in our class recently that some students from our class made.

One of the questions was "Who made Google?". Later when correcting the answers she it was fucking Steve Jobs!!!! Wtf!!! How dumb can you possibly.

A bit different than wk93, but still connected and a fun story.

Back in high school when it began to digitalize everything, so began our teachers journey with technology. We, as IT class were into these things, but as far as I can say, others in the school including both teachers and students were like cave mans when it came to IT.

Most of them kept the different wifi networks password on the windows desktop, in a file 'wifipassword.txt'. When we were on robotics seminar, we had to use a teacher's laptop. The wifi network was incredibly fast and powerful,, yet so poorly configured that even the configuration page user/pass was the default admin/admin, because the IT admin wasn't the most skilled one.

We got the idea to sell the password of the wifi network to other students. Not much, for about 1 dollar a week. The customer came to us, we took the phone, took note of the MAC address, entered the password, and if the guy were to stop paying every week, we just blacklisted that MAC on the next robotics course.

Went well for months, until a new sysadmin came and immediately found it out, we were almost fired from the school, but my principal realized how awesome this idea was. You may say that we were assholes, and partially that is true, I'd rather say we made use of our knowledge.

tldr:
first year in college we programmed 24 hrs straight to fix somebody's mess before the deadline. Decided not to screw him over, instead he claimed to have done everything and we failed the assignment.

Long version:
var group= new[]{"Mike", "Gavin", "Gus", "I", "Ben" };
var client = "Jack"';

First year of college we had an assignment to make a web program for somebody.
Ben wanted to join our group and he already knew a client so we let him join.

After joining Ben wanted to be project lead, but we already decided Mike based on his experience.
Ben claimed to be much better in every way than Mike at and kept coming with stuff the following weeks why we should make him project lead. He kept pointing out when Mike did something wrong and he even came with an audio file where he clearly made jack say that he wanted Ben to be project lead .
After that we were all a bit pissed and told him that he should get it in his head that he was not going to be project lead and just start working on his part of the assignment.

We also found out that Ben was a documentation addict, what we could write in a small paragraph, he wrote a whole page about it. No joke, I rewrote a page of his in 5-6 rows with the same information in it.
No problem you thing, wrong! Because of this he kept bothering us arguing and claiming that our documentation was wrong because it was to short.

In the week of the deadline we asked Ben if he was also done, and told us that he was done for a while now.

The day before the deadline we came to school thinking we only had to do some merging and finishing up documentation.
Then we found out that Ben has almost nothing, and what he had the IDE was screaming that it was incorrect, spaces in Id's and css class names for instance. A really good programmer, my ass!
We were so pissed off at this point, but we had 24 hrs and needed to come up with a plan to fix it.

We decided that Mike and I were going to fix Ben his shit in the coming 24 hrs and Ben was going to make our last bit of documentation because we would not have the time for that, Especially if we had to argue with him like we had to do for each bit of documentation. Gus did not have time and Gavin could not program on his own yet, he wanted to help, but helping him help us would cost more time than we had.

We all went home after that and Mike and I started to program 24 hours straight while in a Skype call, making what Ben had 2 months for. Shortly before the deadline Mike looked at our finishing up documentation received from Ben and told me it was "Okay" and zipped everything up and uploaded it to school with a few minutes to spare.

After that we thought everything was good, we made Ben's part work and delivered it in time. We also decided not to throw Ben under the bus, because this would hurt all our grades because we did not work good as a group since we should have noticed it earlier.

A few weeks go by till the assessment.
The assessment start with asking if we want individual grades or as a group when you all think you did equal amount. We choose as a group, because if we chose individual not only Ben but also Gavin would get a lower grade and we did not think that was fair because he tried so hard.

We demo the product and the teachers are positive. When the teachers start about the documentation, the first thing they tell is that they found something interesting in the documentation, and they read it to us:

"I, Ben, have made all the documentation because my group did not want to."

That was so far from the truth, we all did make our documentation about the parts we made. Yes he did do overall a little bit more because every single bit of documentation we had to argue with him, so every time he volunteers to make it, we would all agree. And he made Mike's and i's last bit of documentation.

Telling the teachers on that point would not have mattered, it would only have hurt is in another way, so we did not and all failed the assignment. And we all felt like to strangle him.
This is now a few years back, but i still want too.

Secretly installed Automate app on my friend's Android phone to mess with him. (For those who don't know, with Automate you can automate anything on an Android device).
Made a 'flow' that would read his incoming sms's, and send an email to me with his exact location if I sent him an SMS saying 'where are you?'.
Was funny to mess with him and tell him his exact location even though we were miles apart.
Cleared it up for him a while later but it made me feel like #hackerman

We have an open office and sales team laughing on top of their voice. What's funny? Nothing. If someone says "I have shit on my pants", they'll start laughing loudly. I have made several complains but the GM says that their laughter makes this company friendly.

I really don't get it.

We were all drunk at a college party. I pretended that I was able to code something for a friend. He put me on his laptop and made me code. In 20 minutes I had finished. Everybody reviewed the little program and said it was all good.

When we reviewed again the program sober, it was full of bugs that none of my drunk buddies tested out

A company you loved working for announcing mass lay offs due to a lack of funding.

We were like a family which made it all the worse.

Yesterday, I and my team built a good hospital management system for Trauma centers containing two apps and two websites.So that the system should contain transparency. But unfortunately, we didn't made a place in top 3 but it was a great experience to build this project with my team.

*client comes to us "please take care of our app, it's ugly and the previous devs made it all buggy, especially the Android version"
*we write code, analyze bugs, fix them, QA them
*we deliver a preview
*client only looks at the iOS app, doesn't give a flying fuck to the Android app

Fulfillment company: the order you put in our system is wrong, the hours we needed to correct this will be charged to you (Red: or rather my employer)

Me: *Checks logs and our server - finds out the order was made in their own webform/webapp*

Me: hey how come I can put in values in your webform that should not pass sanity checks, thats weird (in this case it was a product w/ a quantity of 0)

Fulfillment company: we don't do sanity checks or validation, we just find out when shit crashes and burns, nothing weird about that

Me: WTF

I took like 3 years to my company to get this huge-ass client to ask us to remake their website (the client is already our client for other purposes).

The old website was hosted on their local machine, behind a proxy that was there for other 30 website servers.

The old website took like 30-40 seconds to load on a browser and had a google score of 3-6/100.

We made the new website in wordpress, since it was basically a blog and managed all of the older links to redirect to the new pages so that SEO wouldn't get affected.

We then asked the previous developers to let their domain redirect to the new one (it was like example.com => ex.example.com and now it's just example.com, so we needed them to make ex.example.com redirect to example.com).

What they did was making a redirection to the 404 page of the new website, making everything go to fuck itself.

Damn this might be the first time I despise other developers, but this move was fucking awful.

I mean, I get it, we stole your big client, but it's not our fault if we made the google score go up to 90/100 in a week just by changing server and CMS.

Spent around 5 hours last night trying to do honestly one of the most basic things in PHP with a classmate of mine.
We are making a website kind of like Google Photos where the user can upload their images, store some information about the images they uploaded. (Basically just an online photo storage site). For what ever damn reason we could not figure out why our images that the user would upload from a form where not being put into their associated user image folder; Hell for the longest time they weren't even being loaded onto our LAMP server.
We still have no fucking idea what made it start working, we went over our code and iterated it probably over a hundred times and suddenly..... Like I said we have no fucking clue why; it started to work.
Over 2 hours in a hangouts call and around 500 messages later it worked.
I think we all know how this feels.

What a fucking mess.

Why can't you just fucking tell me what type of website you want. Every week you are fucking adding/removing new features and don't want to pay for it. You know what? Fuck you! From next week Monday I' am putting your website on hold until you agree to pay for the changes we made for the past 3 weeks.

On the same note, fuck you to my General Manager who thinks he will get laid for not charging for the changes made to the website. She is just using you dumb piece of shit.

>import ENi18n
>import ZHi18n

en = {…ENi18n, moreStuff}
zh = {…ZHi18n, moreStuffZH}
pt = {…ZHi18n, moreStuffPT}

“Hey man can you fix this? Seems like we are missing the Portuguese i18n. Check this file please (path)”
“I’m sorry I don’t understand, can you call me and explain?”

Why do I need to explain this? What is difficult to grasp here? How can it take more than 20 seconds to know what to do here? It’s not even a file I made, you made it and I just ran into it!

Fuck man, I’m going to blow my brains out.

We founded a 3 man startup.
I am on holiday for two weeks and my mates paid 50k to someone so he programs a prototype app without any specifications. They told him about what the app should display without any mockups or images via Skype. Returned Monday, found out about it, and on the following Monday we will see the current status..
Oh boy, dog help me. I expect a clickdummy made with Adobesomething, and we paid 50k for that. Why didn't they wait for 2 weeks?!

So not too long ago I made a rant about this time I told my superiors of a problem and it got shot down because "We don't want to save developer time".

I warned them that the CPU was going to reach it's limit because the issue involves exponential growth on CPU usage the more we develop.

As it turned out, despite my thoughts that we wouldn't reach that limit for over a year, a new development led to it blowing up in their face today.

I am now treated as the expert on the topic and they're rushing to plan my suggested implementation in the next release.

I'm mildly amused.

Blue Robotics

This company makes underwater thrusters for submarine applications. With their first thruster they made it easy to make a homemade submarine. The motor was powerful, the thruster just worked. They even had a promotional where they created an automated surfboard that made it from hawaii to somewhere in california with one of their thrusters pushing it there the entire way. It was a great product.

Then they created the next version. This was the same thruster, but it had an ESC(Electronic Speed Controller) sealed in an aluminum puck on top of the motor. This ESC could be controlled by servo controls, or by plugging it into an i2c bus. You could pull different stats off of the motor over i2c it sounded great. So my robotics team trusted this company and bought 8 motors at $220 - $250 bucks each. We lightly tested them since we had not even finished the robot yet. One week before the competition our robot got completely put together and we did our first few tests.

Long story short, Us and 22 other teams did roughly the same thing. We bought these motors expecting them to work, but instead the potted aluminum ESCs were found defective. Water somehow got into the completely resin sealed aluminum puck and destroyed the ESC. We didn't qualify that year due to trusting a competition sponsor to deliver a good product. I will admit that it was our fault for not testing them before going to the competition. Lessons were learned and an inherent distrust of every product I come across was developed.

Second intro to programming class we remade tetris, it was incredible

I probably spent more time making graphics than coding, but I also coded a mini graphics framework for the game

We additionally made incrediblly addictive modifications to the game, it's still super fun to play

We also barely had the knowledge we needed to code it, but I'm still super proud of it

Manager: this feature is not working correctly
Me: yes it is
Manager: no it isn't, change it to do X
Me: but X doesn't account for half of the logic
Manager: I don't care just get it done

(1 day later)

Manager: hey, the changes you made aren't accounting for some of the logic we need. Change it back immediately!
Me: ...

My boss had a 50 page word document where he add any bugs he has found (he likes to test before it goes to QA) we then have to read that document for any changes (hi-lighted in blue) then add them to our bug tracking system. Any updates that are made on the ticket we have to add to the word document.

We tried letting him use our bug tracking tool but he hated using it as the padding on the navigation links was too big. We would have to redesign the 3rd party tool just for him

I once single-handedly developed an entire drag-and-drop ui for creation, provisioning and control of virtual datacenters and all its infrastructure. Other people developed backend and database and the whole project took about 10 months, but about three weeks before we had a working, stable release the company decided to cancel an entire project.
We thoroughly researched the market, and at that time there was no better such solution. We would have made something extraordinary.
Especially because it worked with VMWare.

We won a competition - it was the first time he has taken part on it - and we had 1. place (me :p) and 2. place.

He was happy like a small kid, hung the certificate on the wall, made photos with our principal and the winners and we got in the newspaper xD

Stickers made it to Niagara! Not the first set either, we have a solid dev community up here. Thanks for the stickers @dfox!

People: "Well we could put this data in the address book.....?"

Me: "Wait, what does that data have to do with the address book? Does a given address need that data / is it specific to that address?"

People: "No it's not related to addresses ... we just thought we could put it there."

Me: ....

Me: "So if you use that address you always want that specific data you want stored in the address book?"

People: "Oh no it's not tied to addresses."

Me: ....

Me: "So help me out here, when do you use a given piece of data? In the example here, what made you add that information?"

-Silence-

People: "Um, I'm not sure."

Me: "I think it would be a good idea if we found out. That might provide us some important guidance here."

A funny story I just remember while my code is compiling :

Back in high school, in Math, we were taught how algorithm works, and we made some exercises with practical examples.

I didn't know anything about it back then, so was curious. Was pretty fun, but one day, my teacher said that a IF is a loop. I said "no, this is a test" but she keeps saying that it was a loop, ignoring me (I dunno if she actually heard me) and no one actually noticed it as she repeated it several times (while I was saying that it's not). I just gave up trying to say it's wrong.

!rant && Thanksgivings++

I am truly thankful to be a programmer for it is the only job on Earth where doing mistakes is the profession itself.

Think about it. We make more mistakes than other professions on DAILY basis. If a doctor miss a step during a diagnosis or an operation, a fucking human being might die. Engineers, lawyers, teachers you name it. They are not allowed to make mistakes.

Us? We are earning money from other people for all the hours we spent fixing the mistakes which we made in the first place.

Fuck it..
What’s the point?
Why do we care about a point at all?
Why do we even try to make sense out of it?
I’m religious but if you think about believe long enough that’s a point to question as well.

I guess the 2nd lockdown is getting to me.
I’m extremely introverted but this I too isolated even for me.

In the the 1st lockdown I made it for 3 weeks, now I’m breaking after 1.5weeks....

Management: ReactNative is great because it is faster!
Me: What else do we get from it?
Management: Facebook made it so it is good!
Me: 😑

On your standard epitome of being a geek, I started to show my coworkers how to play Cardfight Vanguard, a TCG since we all love TCG's (we play Magic, Pokemon and a few others) and we had made Friday our official "TCG or Board Game" day.

List of games we have played:
Star Wars CCG (dear lord this game is BEAUTIFUL shame it is no longer being published)

Magic the Gathering, we have a love hate relationship with this game, mana plays a big reason as to why we do not fully love it, it sucks getting stuck with no possibility of drawing proper mana.

Pokemon - Easy to get into, easy to play, there is nt much more to say, by far, our favorite in terms of how much money we can make out of selling rare cards that we do not use.

Dice Masters - My Personal favorite, and I am also the undisputed champion of our group

Cardfight Vanguard is my current favorite, very tactical in a lot of ways, luck of the draw hits in a funny way, I feel it is properly balanced, not much bullshit ass rules or mana issues. Reminds me of Duel Masters, I used to LOVE that Game, but Wizards of the Coast and the anime fucked it up so well....

Anyone here likes playing card games?

If we made computers out of Fry's transistors, it would cost a couple billion dollars. These better be insanely deluxe.

This temporary hack will just temporarily fix this problem. We will come back and actually fix the problem later.

We never come back to fix it later. This shitty hack I made in less than a day that fixed the problem for the day "fixed" the problem for the next year.

Lesson learned that temporary structures and side projects will be there forever. Make them right the first time.

Sorry, I have to say this. I get patriotic at times.

Asian Cup 2019, we Vietnam had made it to Quarter Finals after defeating Jordani in the penalty shots.

I'm happy. It's stressful watching the shots. It's stressful watching the match but I'm happy. We're happy.

And now back to homework.

My killer PR:
I made a small feature and it was to be merged in my senior's branch.
So I made it, resolved all the conflicts and when it got merged it broke my senior's branch.
This is nothing new and it happens, so me and him sat down and got it working. After two days, his branch got merged and broke it's parent 😂, after investigation my code was the reason, got fixed and merged.
Same thing happened 3 more times, and every time my code was the culprit.
Now for staging we thoroughly tested everything and deployed it, after running for 2 hours the piece of shit broke again 😂😂😂.
A meeting was arranged for scolding the team, and after the meeting the architect comes to me and say "how did you manage to fuck things on so many levels, literally?". I handled it like a pro with an awkward laugh.

We exhaustively checked it for production. Deployed, it did not broke, we were happy. After a month of successful run, I just joked about the above incident while we were working on next release on morning coffee. That cursed thing broke on the same evening. I was like 😮

I was once asked to create a fully secure chat system prototype (the ui didn't matter) in 2 days. We ended up building a client in python (which I wrote) and it kinda worked and a c# backend that didn't really work.

1 hour before we had to present the project to some high up management we decided that we couldn't fix the bugs in the system.

So I came up with a cool idea. Why not use ssh?
So I set up a bash script that writes to a file and tail -f that reads from the file. That way you could chat securely with another person.
I made it 15 minutes before the presentation with no Internet working :) they said it was hacky but a cool solution they saw that day :p I felt happy and that I had to thank Linux for being there for me

I dunno if I should have but I told my clients their video they are having made is shit (not exactly like that)

And that it would likely drive people away and we shouldn't put it on the site if it's going to be like that

80s TV animation is better seriously.

We use a third party paid company to produce a service and give ongoing support for it, which all our revenue streams depend upon. They are shit and their service is shit. Here's how my conversation about testing went today.

Me: 'hey X wrote an integration test project for the service. It shows the service is broken 50% of the time. We should give their team access to it and have them run it as part of CI'

Colleague: 'They are too shit to setup CI'

PM: 'we are stuck with them so there is no point. It is what it is'

Boss: just ignores me. Not even a reply.

Some days later

Head of QA: 'Hey Dev and QA are broken'

Me: 'because their service is broken. I made so and so suggestion before but it was rejected. We will just have to accept Dev and QA are broken 50% of the time'

Head of QA: 'no we cant'

Me: 'ok so we should setup the tests to run by giving them access'

Head of QA: 'No we shouldn't. The tests can only be used by us and if they break it tells us so we can act on it, or choose not to'

Me: 'We would not want to act immediately on all our revenue streams breaking? Yes we can reverse engineer their client and fix errors as they occur, or we could just have them run the tests and a team our company pays for can stop adding breaking changes to their own API every other day. Right now it has been broken for 2 weeks.'

Head of QA: 'in an ideal world we would have an internal team so you're wrong'

Me: :)

I really don't understand how they can come to such a conclusion. Am I missing something or am I surrounded by total fucking idiots?

Instead of asking how old people are, how about this:

Post the specs of the first computer you regularly used. I will start.

Tandy 1000 SX. Not one, but TWO 5 1/4" floppy drives. An 8088 CPU and 640K of RAM. The operating system was MS-DOS 3.2, which was always in the A: drive.

We used it to make papers for school in Wordstar, and my parents made spreadsheets in Lotus 1-2-3. We learned to type on it. We played Space Quest, King's Quest, Carmen Sandiego, and Lords of Conquest on it. We transcribed BASIC programs from the, "BASIC Training" column in 3-2-1 Contact magazine.

We LOVED that computer.

So this is what I understand from reading about Deno:
"We couldn't improve the Node.js platform because so many people already use it, so we made a new platform that no one will use so we could keep improving it forever!"

On the university we made a robot using Lego, which communicated on bluetooth with a tablet. We wrote a smile detector using opencv for the tablet. On the tablet you saw the view of the front camera. And when you smiled into the camera, the tablet notified the Lego robot which gave you a chewgum. The purpose of this project was to demonstrate on a fair what our robotics group did. People really liked it. 🙂

Designer made the layouts reading only half the requirements. We have stuff such as "3 email inputs" where he just stuck one and told us to eyeball it if we needed something else.

Plot Twist: everyobody sucks designing stuff on the dev team, so after explaining that we needed more input from him, he sent us the psds and told us to change them as we saw fit.

We made it into MagPi Magazine!!!!!!

Worked with a team on a mobile app project. The system needed to contact a system coded in php.
When a call was made to php, it would be stored in a variable $call. Weirdly it never worked. After spending days trying to find the bug, it turned out that a junior Dev had created a variable $call in another file that was being included into the api file.

We partied the day the bug was fixed 😎

In a meeting, we made some pretty major adjustments to a dev server. We broke it. Under pressure, I cracked and I randomly forgot the syntax for a sql update statement that might’ve at least got it back semi-online. To be fair, it’s been several years since I’ve needed any sql. Thank goodness I grabbed a snapshot as soon as I realized things were about to get edited. Saved. 😁

"We need smaller deliverables so that we can validate each iteration with the client! Instead of doing the whole batch, let's try a minimum viable unit of work first!"
And then the cook made a single unit of French fries. Like, a single stick. It took about 10 minutes, or about 95% of the time it would take to fry a whole portion.

First month of project we suggest that we test that Entity Framework has made reasonable DB queries because the system will need to handle a lot of records. “Not a priority in this sprint because we need features.” Devs try to get it into every sprint. The last week of the project they want us to dump in a ton of records so they can test it. The N+1 SELECT query issue is on main queries. It is so bad and slow with more records that a simple query causes the container management to auto scale the application on a single query. They can have max 8 users in the system at a time and it will take 10 seconds to do a simple page refresh.

They get on our case and we dredge up all of the correspondence where they completely ignored our advice. Fix it now! We need another sprint. Fix it free! No.

Lead: I want you to make this library we wrote mockable, so that we can write better tests.
Coworker: Ok

...

Lead at the end of the day: How's it going with the library?
CO: Good, I have made all calls to the library mockable.
Lead: you mean inside the library, right?
CO: No, all calls to the library

Lead:

So a guy made us develop a website, an Android app and an iOS app prototype under contract for a really low amount. We had initially agreed as it would be a learning experience.

3 months later we are still doing bug fixes for end-to-end deployment. For some reason we are responsible for publishing and deploying the whole system. He hasn't paid us anything yet and has given a shitty LOR which has been taken off the net.

Normally you would have:
- Management
- SysOps
- DevOps
- Devs

In the company (30-50 workers) we only have:
- Management
- SysOps (they don't know how to deploy apps beyond FTP to a webhost either)
- Devs

Jepp, management does not want a specific DevOps department, because he thinks every single "I just finished the Javascript course on codecademy" person knows how to deploy an app beyond dragging&dropping it to a webhost with FTP...

I tried to propose to them that I handle DevOps and teach it to others, so we can deploy code that we deem "production ready" in a more proper manner...
They refused...
They rather stick to "just use FTP to push any changes we made directly to the production server and test changes there"

Inside Microsoft Palo Alto, the office where only women work: a surgery! The kidney is a frag grenade.
Left to right: white coat, black coat holds kidney (frag), a girl in “sleep” T-shirt, a girl that holds a gun. Meanwhile, my gun’s barrel was made from that fridge flexible magnet material. I fixed it using rainworms as glue.

Now we’re entering my uni teacher’s brain, trying to make her give me a passing grade, all while she sings.
It’s just two of us here. Inside her, we fuse into one. Now we sing too:
🎵 We are Scottish — 🎵
🎵 A batshit crazy thing to be, 🎵
🎵 Trying to be normal 🎵

Xiaomi made a torture device for home that was quite popular in Kazakhstan.

Working at a big-ish tech is like a completely different world.

Do we even speak the same words?

Why can't you say agree like a normal person. Who the frig made "++" a real life word (is it a verb/noun? wtf is it)

and then all those other acronyms like OKR, P1,p2,p3

Who talks like that?

Don't you just love customers?

It al began when they showed us the flyers they were printing for their new products, an some one at our company who doesn't work here anymore had the brilliant idea of copying it to their webshop, as a fucking gimmick... Ooohh man the customer didn't seem to understand it was only visually

They wanted the 3d layering effect to be dynamic, so each product would have its own with custom colours

So it was made

A few weeks later they didn't want the informational text, they wanted links to each product that the layer uses

Sounded like logical so it was made

Again some time later, they noticed that the layers were not textured, but just plain

I argued against it because it would add unnecessary loading time for some 300 by 400 px element but they insisted

So they got what they wanted

A few days later they said that the textures were of low quality, and that we had to create ones with higher quality

Again our management said, yes

We made ~ twice the size of the element in image pixels to create a higher definition image

Then the customer wanted that the layers should change based on some selection menu above it

(At this point we realized that it would no longer be just a fun little gimmick)

So we tried to refactor/rebuild it to remove most if not all the hacks we did just to make the customer happy, that took too long for them (the customer) so we had to revert back to the hacked together version because otherwise we would not be done on time (commanded by management)

But again, we ... I say 'we' as in the company but realistically I've been the only one who has worked on the fucking abomination

But I digress...

A few stupid requests later, some layer images are almost fully transparent PNG images that are almost 1mb in Filesize each (some products have 5 or even more layers) and the god damn thing now has to account for optional layers...

I AM FUCKING SPENT... I'VE JUST CAME BACK FROM VACATION BUT I ALREADY NEED IT AGAIN... FUCKING WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK JUST TO KEEP ONE CUSTOMER HAPPY WHILE OTHER PROJECTS BREATH ON MY NECK

While doing my undergrad, we had to submit a major project in last sem. We were grouped into teams. Spent whole semester doing nothing and near the deadline, a friend bought a project and i just changed the footer. On submission, we had the discussion with the external lecturer who viewed our project and he asked us to write down the number of tables we used in our project in separate paper each. A friend wrote 5 , I wrote 12, and the friend who has bought the project wrote 17. Turns out there were 11 tables. I said someone must have dropped a table.. And later made up saying i was doing the database and others were doing the rest of the project.
It was one of the lamest excuse we made to escape such uncomfortable situation.

Read it online today
"Hello Google,
You have made great maps. If you could only add one little extra feature which would tell if we should go on the flyover or beside it. How could a man see a half a milimeter deflection on a 5 inch screen.

Your's Truly
A guy who had to take a UTurn after going 2km more"

It was back on 96~97, using Pascal on a 386 for sure. But the program itself was probably a calculator. We want to learn how to make a program that would stay running on background to copy itself for other files, like a virus. But we didn't intend to build one. It was just to learn how to do that.

My first visual came some time later, on Win 95, made in Delphi. It were a music player, something like winamp.

Good times! :)

During my first semester of CS we were mostly using MatLab for basal scripting - assigning variables, learning about scope, that type of thing. I was excited to start learning programming but wanted to actually make something rather than reversing arrays and incrementing counters for weeks.

I discovered the image() function which takes a float[][] matrix and displays it as an image. I generated my arrays of random numbers and made a simple nested loop where I iterated over each element, averaging it with its neighbours, and - it worked on the first run! I made a freaking noise and blur filter!

That rush of planning it out, making it, and seeing it work I think is my main drive in coding. All the hours of undefined-but-they-are-tho import paths and mystery segfaults are worth it once there is that moment of "it lives!".

So I was told to look into a new project management tool to replace our home grown one that must be free, decided on visual studio team services because we all have msdn so it's free. We just got everything migrated and we've been using it very successfully for the past few months and it's honestly made task management so much easier.
Get back from vacation and my company just spent $100k on sales force agile accelerator... 😑 I don't understand how upper management works

The day we had to have an app ready for an upcoming demo. Management said everything needed to be done by the end of the day. My change was done, but was dependant on another change being merged first. I had been in the office since 8am. It didnt get merged until 5pm. I was in the office until 8pm trying to fix the insane merge conflicts. In the end i gave up and went home. The next day we discovered that the "deadline" was made up anyway so we still had time. I wanted to flip every single table in that office.

I have a course at my university about personal data and it feels more than a law course than a computer science one. I asked the teacher why do we have to be taught that subject and how would we be able to use what we learn in real life and she got triggered, telling me that with just by coding I won’t achieve anything and i have to learn more topics and if I didn’t want to be taught this subject why did i choose the university.
I just made a question you fuckin butthurt, chill the fuck out.

I don't know which one is worse.
Freezing of laptop while am important demonstration or battery dying in the same situation.
I forgot the charger back home and the only thing client could make out was that the software we made bricked my laptop right after opening it and that I was making excuses to cover it.

Last year, we had computers architecture class where we study about the architecture of processors like RISC, CISC, SIMD... The teacher was a nice person but didn't have much knowledge on the field. I read some of Patterson&Hennessey book (computer organisation and design iirc) and learned how to use openmp and mpi, and then in the last lab we were required to optimize matrix multiplication using 4 threads in openmp, the best students optimiseed for 4 times at best, meanwhile I made 16 times optimisation and showed the teacher how fast it was. She was really impressed lol

Been made redundant today.

Get some tissues cause imma spill my tea across your keyboards.

It was my first job. I was a UX designer.(I guess I have to use past tense?) I was there for 6 months. It was enjoyable and rewarding,slightly stressful because I worked for two companies under an umbrella company and was split 50-50.
I was told to come to work and I went and I saw one of my bosses in the room aswell ( I have two bosses btw - 2 companies)
The head of IT comes in and tells us we both have been made redundant as our company is not doing well ( its a travel company)...
I was shocked and I cried. I felt sorry for my boss he was there for ten yrs. And he has kids. I was told I could go home but I went to bathroom and cried. I came out and I didn't know if I was supposed to finish the day ( I had 3 meetings) or go home.... So I went to the meeting like a dumb dumb.
Most awk meeting because the other company didn't even know I was made redundant. The meeting was about how even though its a difficult time for us we r United and we aren't firing u guys just take unpaid holidays etc. Btw IT head was in that meeting was shocked to see me there ... I don't even know why I went. Anyways I found out they got rid of 174 employees across the umbrella company. I had to awkwardly tell my other boss I've been made redundant. He was shocked... I don't even know what to do. How to do. Sigh. I asked him if we wanted me to finish work off he's like do whatever u want to do.... I mean whattt.

Also does anyone know what a redudancy consultantion meeting is? It's my first job I have no idea what happens. Anyone here made redundant? How did u cope with it? Do u think I'm gonna get another job in this pandemic? Sorry I'm just a bit lost

Hello! My name is opalqnka and I am a Windows user.

I followed the 12-step program and now I am a step away to being certified LPIC Linux Engineer.

As step 12 preaches, here I humbly share the Program:

1. We admitted we were powerless over Windows - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of Linus as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to Linus, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. We’re entirely ready to have Linus remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through bash scripting and kernel troubleshooting to improve our conscious contact with Linus as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to Windows users and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

That would be Sony.

Mainly because the of PlayStation 4. I mean what kind of company blocks the access to third party’s account so you can use it only on their console (the Fortnite situation). That’s literally saying “we own you, bitch”. Even Apple doesn’t do that kind of crap.

Fuck Sony and their PlayStation. I’m sticking with Xbox. Yes, it doesn’t have as many of exclusives. Yes, it’s made by Microsoft - the same company which made Windows 10. But fuck Sony even more than them.

Not entirely dev related, but definitely shameless. In high-school we had to study CS, but it was more about knowing to use Office. We had class tests, which mean that we all had the same task and we had to finish it until the end of the class. Obviously no one wanted to do it, so whoever finished first would email it to everyone. Most people, however, were stupid enough to leave the meta data untouched, so it was obvious who was the original author. To not appear suspicious, I removed the original metadata and put my own in, and deliberately made errors in the sheet and corrected others that I noticed. I never got caught, because my work would always have "unique" mistakes.

once found a bug in an outdated sdk we were using that made an enpoint take 10 seconds. after passing one extra param to the function from that sdk it went down to 30ms

2 weeks ago my boss: “This are the requirements, make fronted and backend”
Yesterday we finally delivered the project and today he changed all the requirements. I have to remake everything, the only thing that will not change is the database because he made it. And it is the single source of garbage.

In my current org we had a AWS SES event processor written in node js, it was struggling everytime we had more than 1000 messages in queue. It looped over every single message made some db calls then processed the next message. At one point we had to run 300 comatiners of this thing to clear out the queue.. It was still horribly slow.

I rewrote it in Golang with channels and goroutines now we need to run a single comatiner to handle upto 100k messages in queue. Used 10 goroutines to pull 10 messages constantly and put them in a channel, then spawned 1 goroutine per message to process them quickly. I'm so proud of this solution, we then brought this workflow to many other event processing services. 😎

We have this marketing class that none of us gives a rat's ass about and it's not related to software engineering in any way, and our professor knew that.

So to make things easier for him and for us, he made the rule that if we do at least 30% right on the test, we'll pass.

If we got a question right, we get 1 point, if we got it wrong 0 points, and if we left it unanswered, a quarter of a point.

That meant that if we didn't do anything on the test, we get 25 % anyway, so we almost pass by doing nothing.

Fucking genius.

I only answered 5-6 questions that I knew were right and left the rest unanswered and passed

Made parsers that are downloading and parsing 100 years of law data right now.

I am so happy I don’t have to read every document and just let computer do it for me.

That are great times we live in.

Today I found out we have 5 different Customer databases, one for each product area. We don't have access to more than 2 of them, while corp. it central has full access, but we have to beg and pay to see our own customers....
Now i'm tasked with integrating all these into a Customer db. and the way i get access is cobolt made, fixed length csv files and it's different for each db.
FML

What a shit day, wasted 5 hours because the fucking temperature sensor of this goddamn turbine engine won't work, which in turn prevents the engine from starting up at all.
Why does shit fail whenever you need it the most? We had 45L of kerosene we had to burn, and now we'll have to move it somewhere else for the whole summer instead, and send the engine away to have it fixed (which means a whole lot of time and money wasted).

Fuck's sake, the one thing that had never let me down so far... we even made a brand new test stand just for the occasion :(

OKAY WHAT THE FUCK JAVA.

At school we were assigned the task to do Huffman's algorithm. Since I am way ahead of all the others, I made a GUI for that. (Btw, we use BlueJ for Java, it's just painful)
Now... I made a JTextField to put the output, which would be any character from 0x0 to 0xFFFF, into it.
Apparently, there is a bug in the setText method, which throws random NullPointerExceptions right into your face if you give it those Unicode characters.
So I looked it up:
It was a Bug, in JDK 1.6.something, where putting a 0xFFFF together with a 0x10000 would cause this. Now you may think, do we still have 1.6? No, we have 1.8 v171, WHY THE FUCK DOES THIS SHIT GIVE ME A NPE?! THE WORST PART IS I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT!
AND IT HAS THE WORST UNDEFINED BEHAVIOR:
1. NPE, nothing else happens
2. The Text box just gets invisible, but the border stays visible + NPE
3. The box completely disappears + NPE

Try-catching it doesn't do anything, everytime I fill the box with text, one of those options happens, and the box was never to be seen again! NOT EVEN CREATING A NEW TEXT BOX AND ADDING IT TO MY WINDOW WORKS.

I implemented the equivalent of “?.” In typescript with a function callled safeRetrieve(descend into the field only if the object is not null).

We could not update typescript, so I just created this function and it made me used to use ‘keyof T’ as a parameter type… I still feel very satisfied after I use this approach with anything because it really feels like using typescript correctly!

Arduino project going off the budget and teacher asking for more functionality because "it can be made within 30 mins". We are working for 3 days and only things we are getting to know is new components that we need to add. That too in summer holidays... Fml

Worst mistake I have made is accidentally wiping a database table by messing up a SQL script. This was caught after it had been deployed to around 30 customer sites, most of which had no technical staff on site, and we didn't have remote access to. I bought our support team cookies for fixing that one.

At a previous company, we got stock options. My options wouldn't have made me a millionaire but it wasn't chump change, either.

For months, we went through the whole "we can't say we're going public but watch what you say" game.

One Monday, they called us down by groups to one of the large conference rooms to tell us paperwork was filed, that we were in a blackout period, and, oh, by the way, all those stock options were split 1-for-2 (half the stocks at twice the price.)

I really wanted to punch those smug motherfuckers when I watched them ringing the bell on the balcony of the NYSE.

When some random customer of one if our (bank) clients tweeted about receiving money to their mobile money account in less than a minute (while it was like an hour before we built an API for that shit). Knowing I was the dev that made that happen made my heart melt

I don't think it could be more .net core than this: Several parts of the application ended up failing because of a too long URL. For example we used a List to store selected items in an array and they each looked like this:
&model.selectedIds[n]=true
The server side made more sense but we were running late with the project so we just went with it and hoped no one would use this feature.

It was in highschool. The classes were boring, the teachers were dull. One day, I was making a silly application in Visual Basic. A guy I had been in class with all year saw me coding, after that he came up to me. He was excited he found someone who was a coder as well. We started talking about our experiences and the possibilities. We could fill hours of stupid highschool subjects with talk of code. We immediately became best friends, despite never really have spoken before.

We made some cool shit together.

He is still one of my best friends 7 years later, even though he stopped pursuing a programming carreer.

Time for some bad puns I made up with my coworker when we were stuck in traffic. Got any dev puns of your own? Share them here!

Why is it called Python if it isn't a snake?
Why is it called Ruby if I can't put it on my jewellery?
Why is it called Rust if it's so clean?
Why is it called Go if it stays in the same place?
Why is it called Perl if it's so ugly?
Why is it called C# if I can't write music with it?
Why can't I drink Java?

FUCK FUCK FUCK Windows share feature
just fuck it !
and fuck the people who made it!!!44

ok calm mode on

I had to copy a 30 gb file from my computer to my sister's one, and since the largest pendrive I have is 8gb, and I'm just lazy to split the file into parts, I thought it would be a great idea to copy it over LAN. (tldr: it's not)

First attempt:
Right click on file and share it with everyone = fail
Enable network discovery in sharing settings = still fail
Ohh, right, I just forgot it, disable firewall, it usually solves everything = still fail (2)
Google the problem and try every possible solution = still fking fail

Second attempt:
Ok, when last time I had the same problem, I made a homegroup and it worked.
Let's enable it on my Win10 = it's missing
After some googling: "We removed the home group feature from Windows 10, because why not and we would be fired if the change log was empty."
Ok, fuck it.

Third attempt:
Download a portable FTP server.
Enable it.
Create an account.
It works.

Tye branch manager just made me spend 1.5 hours rearranging a huge dropdown list because he wanted to be able to sort it differently. We are deleting that dropdown list tomorrow.

!rant. Story from my college abt 6 months old.

We had to make projects for our course.
One team made a very nice project. One part of that was mobile no. verification using OTP.

And the student who was supposed to to that, did it by sending the required otp to the frontend page, and when user enters it, validate it using javascript.

The prof got mad about it and the rest of the class couldn't stop laughing.

Just remembered. Thought it would be worth sharing.

We got new workstations today and the following happened:

Me: We got your new workstation but your screen doesn't have the right input to use it, so we'll exchange it too.

Her: No! I love that monitor!

Me: Well you won't be able to use the computer if you don't wanna change it.

Her: There has to be a different way!

Me: Okay I'm going to get some adapters and we'll try again.

After literally 30 minutes of searching I finally made it work.

VGA->DVI->HDMI->DisplayPort

That just felt so wrong.

Me: So it works now

Her: Thanks but why does it look so bad?

Me: It's because of the old monitor.

Her: Oh... *10 seconds silence* Then I'll get a new one.

New floor opened in our office building last month or so.. they are filling it and now there is lack of chairs. So we typically can pay musical chair @office. This is my wallpaper made using gimp

Intel 8085 micro-processor, anyone?

In my graduation, one of the semesters had Intel 8085 programming in the curriculum. It's because of that dev-kit I understood what assembly-level language means.

A simple scenario of adding two numbers would result in half a page long sequence of commands that literally didn't excuse any mistakes.

It made me understand the semantics or basically what we get taught as "middle level" languages.
We had to memorize the exact pins of the thing and had to draw it from memory. And we had to learn the instruction set it had.

Later we had to learn Intel 8086 but its instruction set was way too complicated and I gave up on it.

I know it sounds geeky but I randomly remembered it today.

"reach out"

"touch base"

"ping an email over"

Just a couple of examples of terms people like recruiters love using that make you cringe so hard you want to throw yourself under the next bus. Very similar to clients who say:

"can we make it pop"

"I showed it to my graphic designer friend and they said it needs more fonts"

"I've made some improvements in Word for you"

So I came from the Portal modding scene. And I know most other ones who did similar stuff.
Now there was a cool looking upcoming free mod and I somehow came in touch with the lead Dev. Now somehow I managed to get into the developer team and me and my girlfriend we're part of it. We got a level name and should start mapping it (TL;DR, we never finished one because we didn't know what to do).

I actually made a website for the mod. But sometime later we both left the team because the lead Dev (12 yo btw) was "hiring" (working for passion not money btw, that's fine in this case) everyone he got in touch with. They had no team structure just a huge list of people and a long story script. I'd guess the mod won't ever be done, although it has made it through steam greenlight (R.I.P greenlight). Just because they're not working on a team.

My weirdest dream about programming?

I was sitting with my buddy and we were programming, and literally, verbally arguing with compiler that he should compile, and he was spewing out different errors each time we compiled, and it somehow matched our arguments, so it literally was "replying" with different kind of errors ;-;

I mean, we didnt change code, but tell to compiler "no, no, no, you dont understand. This error is wrong, becouse here and there is this and that and it just should work" **pressed compile again and gets different errror**

Yes, that was after few nights of c++.

Edit:
yes, in that dream compiler was spewing out bullshit errors that didnt made sense.

Coworker: "Hey, I have an idea. I think it will be much better if, one month before launch, we pivot this project from using 2D animation to using 3D Animation with Motion Capture! It will save us so much time!"

Me: I'd be happy to look into it for you, but those technologies are very labour intensive and we don't currently employ anyone who has any experience in those technologies. However, I absolutely agree and I believe we could look at this in 1-2 years after the prototype of the application is completed.

Coworker: I'm more optimistic than you.

Actual conversation. Coworker made an animation once in college, which is the entire basis of their argument.

We had application for appointments with cashier for invoices. Made some changes. Didn't test it. Clients couldn't issued invoices for half a day, were super pissed.

Boss was realy angry, tought I will be fired.
I wasn't.

So for Father's Day I bought my dad premium coffee (Single Origin, Now Bottle Voyager pack). Very expensive even compared to Starbucks...

We brewed a few but they taste like crap. I thought he was doing it wrong. So today I dropped by the store and brought myself a cup that they made to see how the pros do it...

Well this is what I got for $5... And it also tastes like crap...

So now my question is do we actually like drinking coffee or non-carbonated sugar water that we call coffee?

Had this client for which I did some work on agreement. The agreement was fairly well laid out and the work was well defined. We delivered on time and he was all good. Move forward a couple months and this guy comes back asking for changes, upon which I said we'd need a new agreement because the last one expired when the job ended, but he didn't want a new agreement and to not make a point of it we didn't. We made the changes and I invoiced him, as we do, and then he starts accusing me of trying to rip him off and calls me a child. Stopped working with him after that

The day I read The Simulation Argument, by Nick Bostrom, a thought popped into my mind: "if we are made of code, maybe there are ways to hack life as you would hack some random program", I started thinking privilege escalation over the simulation, buffer overflow, picking signals as if I was eavesdropping... it was an epiphany and also fun