"Are you familiar with uploading your code to Google Drive?"

I left the building at that exact moment.

"Can you put my site as the first result on google?"

I can add SEO to your site, just give me your preferred keywords, a description, and let's make sure we follow white hat best practices etc.

"No call someone at google and ask how much to go to the top of the list"

So you want to pay for ads or..?

"No get a figure I can pay to get to first page"
"Or can you just edit the google"

... And so I never renewed that contract ever again, the end.

Customer support story time: (swearing in Dutch because it sounds more fun but it's general swearing so no translation needed I think (will translate the non obvious parts)

Me: good morning, how can I help you?
Client: hello, I have a question for you.
Me: go ahead!
Client: alright so.... one sec, let me turn off my music.
Client: hey Google
.
.
.
Client: hey Google
.
Client: Heeeey Gooooooogle
.
Client: HEY GOOGLE, GODVERREDOMME
.
Me: 😆
.
Client: REAGEER GODVERDOMME. "HEY GOOOOGLE"
.
.
Client: VIES VUIL TYFUS DING, LUISTEREN. HEEEEEY GOOOOOOGLE
.
.
Client: JA GODVERREROMME, LUISTER GEWOON, FUCKING KUT DING. *SHOUTS WITH ANGRY VOICE* "HEY GOOGLE HALLOOOO LUISTEEEEEREEEEEN" (oh for fucks sake, LISTEN fucking piece of shit)
Me: *desperately trying to keep it together*
Client: IK DOE HET ZELF WEL JEZUS GODDOMME *FOOTSTEPS, MUSIC STOPS* (Translation: I'll do it myself, fucking hell)
.
.
.
Client: finally, sorry for that 😅
Me: *still trying to control myself* no problem!

Me, trying to create a LaTeX document: *googles "latex string comparison"*
Customer and boss walk in.
Google: *shows NSFW results*

I.. Let...- Let me explain, it's not what it looks like!

No, Patrick, Dropbox is not a Version Control System. Google Drive isn't a VCS either.

learn how to Google properly!
no seriously, learn how to query well its important asf!

Me: *types "recursion" into google*
Google: Did you mean: recursion
Me: *clicks the suggestion, even tho I see no error*
Google: Did you mean: recursion
Me: ohh I see. I feel stupid

boss: What the fuck guys! Why didn't you go to the meeting this morning? Have you checked your google calendar?
me: But, but it is scheduled to tomorrow, google calendar says that.
boss: Who put that date?
me: You
boss:....
boss:And fo you double checked it?
me: What do you mean?
boss: Double check! Check if what is in the google calendar is correct!
me: But that doesn't make any sense.
boss: No excuses!! Next time you must double check!

When you were growing up to be a developer and your mom brags about what a genius you were and has literally no idea what she was bragging about...

#IJustInstalledLinuxMomChill...

Funny story my step dad was bragging about me hacking Google to a group of his guys a few months ago (mind you I'm 21, he's a roofing contractor) and he calls me over and is like "yo, Jimmy. Tell them how you hacked google. (Obviously I never "hacked google", whatever that means) and this guy he's talking to say:

"Oh shit. You can do that shazz".

For my own amusement I replied:
"Yeah I hacked google last week. I HTML'd into their json databases to pull out an ASP in order to bash attack on their .Net services using only CSS"

Of course the man's only response at this point was to ask me how much it would cost me to build him a site...

There is no shame in using google to program.

'Back in the day' we had phonebook sized books of documentation on our desks we would reference constantly.

Why?

No one is going to memorize a phone book sized book. Not to mention three or four of them.

Being a good dev is about creativity, not memorization.

Me: Hey Google, open devrant
Google: Results for dev brand

Me: open devrant
Google: Results for dev hand

Me: No! open "dev" "rant"
Google: Results of some dude named Dev Randhawa

Me: Dammit open devrant
Google: Dewa rent? Electricity bill paying sites of some town called dewa.

Me: Open d.e.v.r.a.n.t
Google: Opens Google play song from Kevin Durant.

Me: gives up and listens to Kevin Durant sing some shit about LeBron James.

I discovered this the 'new' open source OS by Google named Fuchsia. Build from the kernel up so no Linux.

Dev: Hey, do we have a Google cloud machine running?
Me: No we have AWS remember?

Dev: Okay..
Me: Why do you want a gCloud?

Dev: I had this large stack of files and want to put them somewhere, off of my laptop. I just feel comfortable using Google than AWS.
Me: Umm.. there is Dropbox for that sort of stuff. Not high performance servers running our services.

Dev: ...
Dev: (After a moment) Yeah, why didn't I think of that? :/

Me: Seriously???

I think he forgot to have breakfast today.

If you ever feel you're not self-confident enough, think about the guy who told his manager at Google about the great idea he had been working on: a T-Rex that jump over cactus when there's no internet connection in Chrome.

My girlfriend keeps getting review requests from restaurants we visited.

Then there's a list of all the visited ones on her phone.

Location services is off.

Fucking annoying.

Google sucks.

Absolutely no respect for privacy.

None whatsoever.

Privacy is a myth.

😡😡😡😡😡😡😡

1. Purchased GTA San Andreas from Google Play
2. Always got a download failure at 85% downloaded.
3. Contacted Google support, got asked how my day was going
4. Had no idea how to answer that

I tried DuckDuckGo like two years ago and my opinion was “meh, I don’t like the results”.

Yesterday @Root made it clear that the sole amount of data collected changes the whole perspective of tracking.

I went to shower thinking about that and as I was standing there enjoying warm water...

It hit me.

I liked google results and disliked DDG not because DDG was worse.

I liked google results because they were CRAFTED for ME to LIKE them. They exploited my confirmation bias, the strongest of all biases.

I took my other phone which is android, has a different sim that isn’t tied to my identity (don’t ask, this is Russia), was never connected to my WiFi and of course has no google account tied to it.

I tried googling stuff.

The results was just like what DDG gets you, the only difference was google amp were on top.

The fuck. One of the wokest moments ever.

I am a programmer, and if you ask me to fix your pc, I accept the challenge... After all, I can Google a problem and implement a solution like no other, you are right to have come to me.

Client: I have lost everything on the cloud holy crap!

Me: Are you signed into your google drive, and within the folder?

Client: No, how do i do that again? I obviously cant be bothered reading your well formated and instructional guide and would rather contact you at 6pm on a saturday night

Dear mobile apps devs,

No one's gonna hate you if you do not provide a multilingual support. Just, please, stop using Google Translate and force the app's language to the phone system's. It's just dumb

Sincerely,
A non native english speaker

You know shit just got serious when you go to page 2 on Google

It looks like those who say "I don't use Chrome, I use Firefox" or "I use duckduckgo instead of Google" are like vegans.

No one gives a flying fuck if you're a vegan or you use Firefox.

Yes, many of us use Firefox, ddg, Altavista, Netscape and FreeBSD but there is no need to remind us at every opportunity you do so.

Do whatever you want to but we don't care and probably won't judge you.

Person: Oh! blablabla.onion isn't working. It must be the government censoring it.
Me: No, its because you're trying to open a onion website in Google Chrome.

Why would a keyboard store 155 MB data?
Oh wait! It's Google's keyboard

Google: “Your websites must load the first byte in under 500ms and be fully loaded with no render blocking and local caching of all external site callouts to even begin to rank in Google searches.”

Me: “Ok, Google. Your wish is my command.”

*Looks at Chrome’s memory usage to load a blank page*

My new phone will probs arrive tomorrow and me and mates are going on a vacation to Germany next week.

Currently using nearly all bandwidth/ram of one of my dedicated servers to download maps for offline use (OpenStreetMaps) and convert them to formats OsmAnd can use.

No need for google maps ❤️

I am officially my Manager's own personal google.

"What is the Wifi Password?"
"I can't print this, can you help?"
"How do I switch keyboard layout?"
"How do I turn on the computer?"
"How do I close the door of my office?"

Soon she's going to call me "Ok Google, <stupid question>"

According to my sysadmin, there is no point in changing our shitty, 20 year old website because technology develops so rapidly, and making it more accessible by Google is overrated...

They asked me if I could recommend any video streaming frameworks. I said no, but I could google around a little. I found one, sent it to them with a note that I hadn't used it but it seemed solid.

One afternoon, right before hometime, a month later and the day before go-live, I come in, to emails with _all_ the managers on it, demanding that I assist immediately. They'd finally tried testing it, and they had found an issue. No details.

I email back, asking for the actual issue they'd found - no response. I phone - that developer has now gone on leave for week, there's a new dev who'll help me. I email him, asking for "precise technical details" of what had gone wrong.

He replies, "when you try use it, it literally causes the apocalypse." and goes silent. I check the skies, no visible apocalypse yet.

Based on some keywords they'd mentioned, I google and find a known issue as well as a patch for their version. I email it over to them.

The response? "If I'd known he was just going to Google it, I would have tried that myself."

Client: My email not working
Me: What error message you getting
Client: Nothing, it's just stuck on Outbook
Me: Is your Internet working?
Client: Yes, of cause am not that stupid
Me: No! No! just asking as checkup
Client: Okay
Me: Open your Internet Browser and goto Google or Facebook
Client: Okay hold on..I am getting message "There is no Internet Connection"
Me: Yea, your Internet is not working that's why email can't be send. Talk to your IT Guy or Internet Provider about it.
Client: Okay, thanks!

Stackoverflow 101:
- spent 6 hours to Search if my problem is already asked and/or answered
- spent another 4 hours to Google the question and make sure there is no article about it,
- Still got banned.

Juniors nowadays are so lazy.

J: How to do X?
M: Did you try google this?
J: No I thought you will give me a solution

Thanks God there will be no competition for me in the future...

Interestingly, Google maps thinks I have no regard for roads.

HUGE FUCKING DILEMMA FOR ME.

I will probably get the chance of choosing a company phone soon (as in, next few days).

Option 1: Android - not allowed to root or anything crazy so I'll have a partly open system but with google tracking fully enabled at all times (most probably).

Option 2: iOS - Also not allowed to jailbreak or anything 'weird' but it's entirely closed source. Although no Google tracking shit.

I honestly have no clue what to choose.

Halp.

Seniors: Welcome to the team. Feel free to ask anything if you need help. There is no such thing as stupid questions.

New Dev: Sure. Thanks.

*a few minutes later*

New Dev: How to comment a code?

Seniors: Google it....and please don't ask stupid questions.

Today @ 4pm:

New dev: I need help with this issue, i've been stuck on it all day.

Me: ok let's look ...... ok, and did you try google this?

New dev: ... no

Me: ... why?

New dev: well this is clearly my issue, why would I google it? I only google for things I don't know

Me: ... ok ... we'll do you know what this bug is then?

New dev: haha ok, fair point, I'll give that a try. Thanks for the tip.

Seriously, should I be worried? I feel worried

Do you know what annoys the living fuck out of me?
Me: no...?
Me: may I tell?
Me: yes, please do!
Me: okay here we go:

Sites which use Google fonts or apis or ajax or other Google-hosted libraries.

It takes fucking ages to load those sites (if they lost et-all) since I block as much as possible from that cocksucking mass surveillance network.

Google, feel free to die in a fucking corner while getting an acid shower and being stripped of your skin layer by layer, as slow as possible to increase the pain and suffering.

Today I learnt that my LG Nexus 5X uses a Samsung manufactured DRAM :O

I had no idea that several Google and Apple devices use Samsung manufactured RAM chips!

PS - Don't judge me, I'm a hardware noob.

Apple doesn't trust Google and they seem to host their YouTube ads on another server xD
They ads ain't got no YouTube ID.

Warning: JPEG artefacts incoming!

Dear Google,
you know exactly which languages I speak. So please explain to me why you still feel the need to push some random video titles and descriptions through Google Translate, making them look unprofessional and confusing me because I know that I watched that video already, but now it has a new title? And why is there no option to turn this off? And why do you explicitly state that the language setting does not affect text submitted by users? Even though it does? What the actual fuck?

Also lol even Google isn't perfect at using ecape characters correctly

Just when I deactivated Facebook I found devrant. Hmm no regrets 😁 (thanks to Google play's homepage).

Me: Yes! I'm finally ready to upload my first Android app to PlayStore, im so excited!!

Google: Make sure to remove all the Log calls from your code.

Me: *Finds out that there's no way Android studio can make it for you*
FUUUUUUUU**

When you start typing localhost but you are to fast and to furious for the browsers autocomplete and end up searching in google for this...

So far no one has notice but it is only a matter of time before I will be questioned about my Shakira obsession...

Me to my family :
Family: so this printer not working
Me: have you installed its software
Family: no, can you do it?
Me: i could travel 1 hour or you can just google and download it, its really quite simp--
Family: yeah this is to complicated for me il need you to come over

What kind of braindead motherfucker at Google thought that it's a good idea to update the bus departures in real-time based on the current time and the departure of your first bus?! No Google, I didn't miss that first bus. I took it and now I have to transfer. Ever heard of that, certified motherfucker?! You don't have to reschedule the departures of my next busses to a later time for that!!

Yesterday I installed the linux subsystem. Wrote some python code, but it never run no matter what. It was always the same sintax error. I got pretty desperate after finding no solution on google and decided to reinstall the linux subsystem, erasing everything I made.

Turns out the problem was that python pointed to python 2.7 instead of 3. I'm not a smart man.

Whenever I do a search on Google and it returns no results, I feel like I won the internet.

When your primary Android app (with over 1/2 million total downloads) gets banned...

And all the email says is read these [links to] policies!

Back story: this happened to me back in 2011, no matter what I did there was no way to get in touch with a human at Google, I sure hope this process has gotten better! Having my app suspended with no way to fix and get it back is ridiculous!! This could ruin a business.

Over two years later, on a Google+ hangout with Google Android devs out of the Google London office, I said to them how silly it is that this happened....one of them asked me for the app ID, I provided, he looked it up in a system which then had a reference code which then related to SEO violation....wow I finally found the answer, how silly that an SEO violation (too many keywords in the app description) can get your app permanently suspended. What a shame. I wouldn't wish this on any solo developer trying to self learn and make something...

Sometimes I really just have to say "Fuck you, Google" out loud a few times.

No Google translate, I don't want you to translate my Lorem Ipsum. You are misunderstanding what I'm trying to do here. Thanks anyway.

So my in-laws got a new computer 😑
Yup you know where this is going. Ok so after I transferred all of their data set them all up etc.
They wanted to use "word" and could I set it up for free for them. I said no Microsoft office is not free you lost your license and disk and your old computer is trashed so the better choice would be Google services . So I explained the value of using Google drive, docs,sheets etc.. today and told them how much better it is everything would be on their Google drive so if I got hit by a bus they could get a new computer again and still have access to their data etc... So they said great and so I did.

Two weeks later... Can you set up word for us on our computer. Me annoyed at this point " sure no problem"

I made a shortcut on their desktop to Google docs. Them: oh boy this is great see John all you have to do is click on google docs to go to word! Thanks so much!

🤫🤓

WHAT THE FUCK? IS THIS REAL?

I got a call from a managment institute asking me if I have any MBA plans after graduation.

I said no and asked the person where did he get my number.

He said: Google

Like how? How does this even work? HOW?

No one:
Literally no one:
Google:

When you have literally no idea how to make your homework project so you try to Google/StackOverflow it piece by piece to make a Frankenstein's monster code.
And then you still have no idea how to cobble it all together in a way that makes sense.

Let me Google Translate it for you..
😶😏

Searching for a lib.
Find it on google code.
Moved to github.
No commit in 5 years.

Google: hey website owner, use link rel preload for images loaded by CSS to reduce roundtrip delays. Chrome supports that, Safari also, and even Edge does.

Mozilla: we had some bug with preload back in FF 57 and our solution since has just been to disable preload per default. Done. Who would care about loading speed?

Also Mozilla: we have no idea why our market share has been plunging. Google is evil.

You have a question.
You google it; nothing comes up.
You read the documentation; no good.
You ask it on stackoverflow; no answer.

You are in... The Twilight Zone

It happened just now.

Yes, I put "there is no need to be upset 10 hours" on governmental terminal.

#hackerman

How? Well, I discovered that it was web ui, so random menu category -> random external governmental website with Google map on it -> you know the rest.

1. get a job interview in google
2. design a kitchen
3. ???????
4. the kitchen is for a giraffe
5.?!?!?!!?
6. new kitchen
7. a baby giraffe
8.??!?!?!??!??!??!??!??!??!??!?!?
9. we will call you
10. __time passes__
11. no call
12.X_X

My company grows like crazy. We have more money than we could ever spend, no deadlines, super smart people (some coming from Google, Apple, FB etc), and all the perks one could wish for.

I'm sometimes feeling like I don't belong here, because I'm mediocre at best with everything I do. 😥

Pings google, no losses in 1 hour!
And just as I run that JavaScript code on Node.js, the internet stops! Every fricking time!
-_-'
>_<

I am getting better and better. I no longer leave ":w" at random places in Google Docs... Now I'm just "cmd-s"-ing regularly.

Multi-factor authentication does not mean I have a password to your site AND have to login with Google. Also, I logged in with Google, you should have my email address now.

Oh, a user with that address already exists? No shit, it's me.

Your fucking login flow is broken.

Please Google, allow us to disable that retarded Google translate thing you've got going on the play store.

Seriously, 90% of the apps' short description are absolutely unreadable because they insist on translating it to my device's language even if no translating is available.

I know it's probably useful to some people (the ones who don't understand English but somehow understand the human language equivalent of spaghetti-code, which I suspect is not many), but this needs to be disable-able, it makes the experience of discovering apps extremely awkward.

Open source...

Apple: F*** Open Source!!!! Money's our god!!!!

Google: Let's make MONEYYYYYY... and then give code

Microsoft: Ya... ok... yeah... no... sry but we have do to some money...

Linux: OPEN SOURCE FOR EVERYONE!!!!! IT'S FREE!!!!!! hey... guys... what ain't you coming, I'm lonely *Play "sound of silence"*

> likes linux
> maybe not even install windows on shiny new laptop?
> debian-live.iso
> y u no wifi?
> google: lol apt-get
> but i has no internets...

Why only with Debian and not with literally any other flavor of Linux I've tried, which are all Debian variants?
Halp?

Today the IT deparment update the firewall's configuration, they blocked almost every website except email and Google.
The problems:
- Blocked some systems outside the organization, there are in another building and also network
- I can search on Google but I can't see the results outside Google
- Forget about download depencies, libraries, deploy code to outside services, search at StackOverflow

I JUST WANNA SAY GOOD JOB, GUYS

PS: The firewall also block the SSH port, I had explained to my boss and he sent a request for allowing the port, so far no answer

Me: Can you do the javadocs comments
Coworker: I've never done that, *looks for it on google*, I can't do it, I don't know how.
Me: Did no one asked you to comment you code at school?
Coworker: Yeah, but only the ones with '//'
Me: Ok, bring me coffee

No wonder the trains never run on time here, Google Chrome is sucking all their CPU

Just spent an hour trying to fix a bug on my Xamarin app that only affected the android project. Finally decided to Google it and figured out it's a Xamarin bug. FUCK YOU XAMARIN GO FUCK YOURSELF WITH A BROOMSTICK WITH NO LUBE.

the most incompetent person that ever worked with me had no proactivity, always waited for an explicit order to start to do anything and had absolutely no autonomy. this guy would frequently ask me stuff that he could find with a google search.

when the IT team was let go, the company lined me up for another job, and my boss actually told me "you work well so i can refer you, but i can't do the same for <that guy>". i honestly thought that was his first job, but no. i have no clue how he managed to work in a hospital before that.

NO! I WILL NOT USE FACEBOOK, THEY SELL MY DATA!

...but i will continue using all 316 preinstalled Google apps on my phone, Instagram, Snapchat and other apps that keep my data safe... safelly stored somewhere, without my knowledge...

No! I refuse 😠😭

Why are you killing THE best mail client of all time google, why? 😭😭😭

Google's slogan is (was?) "don't be evil" but all of their new MD apps are blindingly white light themes!

Retinas?, no don't need them. Thanks Google.

No Google, this isn't useful to me right now.... Or ever.

Turns out Google round off the answer automatically, just like that, no side note, nothing, just round off.

Story time on my job hunt: Currently interviewing with Google during my notice period.

I always had a love hate relationship with Google. Unlike my hate towards Meta or Amazon, where I had a reason to hate them for how ill intended they are, I never had a valid reason to dislike or hate Google apart from the fact that they steal my data.

That's it. That's my only reason why I hate Google. But I fell in love with their products during my trip to Istanbul and how throughout my journey, Google products were there for me to solve all my needs.

As y'all know, I was treated badly during my Meta interview, last October. With Google, the experience is on another level.

People are fucking smart and ingenious, but at the same time very polite, humble, and respectful.

During my 3 interviews so far (2 more remaining), each one of them made me so comfortable that I was more anxious before the interview than during or after.

They supported me during each question they asked. They made me felt heard and focused on my strength, instead of the weaknesses (or trying to break me down unnecessarily).

The interview syllabus is so fucking vast, and recruiters know so much that they helped me not only with preparation material, but also guided me personally. Haven't seen such knowledgeable recruiters.

The questions were dynamic in nature and thankfully because of my preparation, I was able to answer them most.

Overall, the culture at Google seems brilliant and an environment where one can flourish. No wonder companies are trying to copy every aspect of how Google operates and no surprise that Google is doing well at scale.

I feel so high on emotions (positively), after these interviews that I wonder how would it be to work at Google with such phenomenal people and exceptional environment.

No offence to anyone but I'm wondering why so many people go for Google chrome while chromium browser provides about the exact same browsing experience and speed etc but without Google's proprietary tracking shit. I know not everyone cares about their privacy but still wondering.

Goodbye google+, you were totally shit and no-one used you. Piss off now.

Google a problem

Click on first link that details the exact problem I'm looking for. This guy has exactly the same problem as me.

First answer is "Oh my god just google it". There are no other answers.

Go back to google. The entire first page is jackwagons just telling people to google it.

God damn it, I am googling it.

So ive been messing around with my Google Home.. because having a voice activated weather station is cool and all, but as a developer it needs to be useful no?... and Raspberry Pi, cause you know, we cool kids have those sitting around doing nothing useful.

But back on track, getting these two to actually work together, and that almighty moment you can say "Hey Google, Deploy Project -X- to the Pi" and the Rpi just kicks into gear and pulls down the latest master branch from Gitlab for the correct project is mind boggling.

No more ssh + sudo git pull !!!

Disclaimer: i didn't pay for that Google Home, but its in my house, listening to my TV, so i may as well use the damn thing.

Please stop saying, "stock Android." What you mean is AOSP, and no phones from any manufacturer come with it. Stock means it's in the original state that the manufacturer intended, filled with bloat, whether it's Samsung, Google, LG, Xiaomi, or whatever.

When you're a web developer and the building's internet is down.

There is no technical reason why Microsoft should buy Github, no!
It's the same reason why they bought Skype, LinkedIn and Minecraft and everything else: Money and monopolisation.
That's destructive and an obstacle to progress.
Microsoft, Google, Apple, Facebook: Go fuck yourself!

Ordering a Pizza in 2022.

CALLER: Is this PizzaHut?

GOOGLE:No sir, it's Google Pizza

CALLER: Sorry, I have dialled wrong number.

GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.

CALLER:Ok, I would like to order a pizza.

Google:Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER: My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE: your last 12 orders shows, extra-large pizza with cheeses, sausage on a thick crust

CALLER: Awesome! That's what I'll have.

GOOGLE: sir, we suggest you try our Gluten free veg pizza?

CALLER: What? I don't want a veg pizza.

GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir

CALLER: How the hell do you know that?

GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone no. with your medical records

CALLER: Ok, but I don't want your rotten veg pizza! I have taken medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE: But your medication wasn't regular. you just bought 30 cholesterol tablets once,4 months ago from Loyd pharmacy.

CALLER: I bought more from another pharmacy.

GOOGLE: That doesn't show on your credit card statement.

CALLER: I paid in cash.

GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER: WTH man! I'm going on island to live without internet & social media.

GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport. It expired 6 weeks ago.

No solution found in stackoverflow nor google :(

Working on my Google Foo Bar level 4 challenge.

9 days past figuring out how to solve this problem..

And finally reached on a working solution. When started compiling my solution.

And then i Find out, the fucking Google tool is facing some bug and not allowing compilation. Tried hard to do everything but still getting errors...
And after searching on Google just found I'm fucked up.. It's on Google's end and they are not fixing it since so many days..

Just 5 days left to complete.. And i have no idea what should i do...

4 month work just fucked up

Microsoft's business suite is much better than Google's business suite.

If not for Google's monopoly in consumer market, MS would have easily taken over the consumer space as well. No wonder this company is acing their game in B2B space.

I can see myself migrating to MS ecosystem because fuck YouTube and Google Maps. MS has everything better now.

You know what MS did right?
They heard herd.

And this is what annoys me about Google. A company arrogant and adamant in their own approach that they even refuse to acknowledge a user's existence.

"Hey Google define *word*"

>>*Definition of word*

"Hey Google define *struggle to pronounce word while sounding like I have tourette's or I'm having a stroke; get no where close to the accurate pronunciation*"

>>*Gives definition of the word I'm trying to say*

This asshat can understand me stroking out while failing miserably to pronounce a word, but when my southern accent kicks in and fucks with the pronunciation of some words, this thing can't take it? Fucking hell bruh.

Manager after google went down: Hey I don't want our project to go like google. Once one server went down, gmail went down, then youtube, then drive, and everything else with it. Could we separate all of our features into different servers so that if one thing goes down, the rest aren't affected?

NO

No Google .. I don't appreciate you calling me a ho ..

NO. FUCKIN. THANKS. LIKE GOD.
I can't use a SINGLE google service without Google trying to push its shit down my throat.

Arduino & ESP-32 without the arduino library.

Good look finding any example code. It's just you and datasheets with fontsize 2.

Google

I used to be a fan, but recently they really stopped listening to users. No one asked for a wide angle selfie cam. If you give us that huge notch at least provide a FaceID equivalent or something that makes up for the notch.

Remove the headphone jack, cool. But then make the adapter and Bluetooth reliable. Even after a year the adapter isn’t working and the Bluetooth doesn’t connect on the first attempt. Never. The fix is constantly “coming”.

Google copies Apple without thinking. Apple gets away with shit because they provide something in return.

I was an Android user for almost 10 years, and I’ll say this: I bought the iPhone XS (I’m a purist, non-stock OS is a massive no-no) and it’s a much more usable device than the Pixels or other Android devices I used. It’s lacking in a lot of ways, but overall it’s a much better phone.

Google really needs to hire people who understand what people actually want. An amazing camera on its own isn’t enough these days.

Stumble across weird error, google error, find single search result with exact error, open page, question posted in 2006, no answers

So if I understood it correctly...

Google rolled out YT-Dark for quite some time now FOR IOS(!!!)

And Android doesn't really have it? Random users get random popups asking if they wanns switch to dark but there's no official dark theme?

(Seriously:) WHAT THE FUCK?!
No wonder everyone switches to other services

is google fucking with me today?

today i was accepted for some google summer internship program thing. they send me a google form right? so i open it up in chromium and it doesn’t work. it doesn’t let me type in any textboxes or anything. i try to fix it and no luck. then, i copy the link to firefox and voilà, it works.

so, google forms didn’t work in chromium but did in firefox? alright. then i check off yes, send me a copy of my responses to my gmail account. and guess what? gmail classified that as SPAM. google email classified a google forms email as spam.

good work google, you’re fucking stupid.

The moment when even Google show no realted searches, is the moment when you realise you are in some real shit !!!
#stuckupcode #noclue

That feeling when a bug has no solution on either google or stackoverflow.

I hate people who dog on wsl

Windows subsystem Linux

I use it. It has been wonderful. No problems that Google couldn't fix. Always a patch or an update.

And I can use Windows just fine.

No dual boot needed, no bullshit wine needed, no having to do without Photoshop

There,.. I'm out of the closet

My uncle showed me how to use it ok mom and dad

I'm starting a wsl parade who's in

VMs.....You always have to install Google chrome... Can't OSs just include it in the installation? No Microsoft is forcing you to use Edge and Internet Explorer

Oh no internet?

Hmm...I'm no longer a programmer then.

But I will be as soon as I can talk with my friend Google!

I have a rule of thumb.
No call on private phone number.
Definately no reply on whatsapp...
Dare adding me on any WhatsApp group.
No communication beyond slack and Google meet.

People need to classify things between professional and personl communication medium.

I am scared.

Google detected unusual traffic from my home network?

When I search anything in incognito mode, this page appears.

No incognito mode -> Google search works.

Feels like an attempt to force me to use my google account.

Me searching on the internet how to fix my error. After a long time of searching with no results...I searched for:
"unity draw a fucking line in UI"
Google: How about this website? (second search result was devrant com)
And that's the story of how I got here.

Seems like "Google Magic" and I have a disagreement (nb: this is the 4th of Snyk auto-follow up mails and I have no idea why they speak to me in French)

Try and Google for 'Apple iBag'. No, really, I wish I was kidding...

Gets scheduled into team meeting. Relatively new, see 5 pm ok sweet nbd. *reads IST. Tf is IST? Google that shit, INDIA FUCKIN STANDARD TIME? 5 pm IST != 5 pm EST. Fuckin oh no that shits at 6:30 am. Brb while I slice myself open with safety scissors.

If git was written in english or in ancient greek it made no difference. It's everything counter-intuitive and you have just to learn commands by heart and google the errors. Because nothing makes sense, even if you know how it works and you used it for years

Speaking of annoying stuff in coding. What the fuck is it with the localized error messages?

No. Fuck you. No. Give me the English version so I can google it and find answers from the huge English speaking community instead of the tiny community of my language.

Who had no idea what was going on when they nuts about Kotlin at Google IO?

are you scared yet?
that google one ain't no joke :)

Why people like Google pixel
Worst design
No waterproofing
No wireless charging
No dual camera stuff
And now no headphones jack 😐😕
Samsung galaxy S8
And LG V30 Is far better choice

It is increasingly difficult to believe that Google CAPTCHAs are not deliberately made unsolvable.

Everyone hates CAPTCHA, that is nothing new. As most people know, CAPTCHA frequently whines "please try again" after the user provides the correct answer. Sometimes it shows "Please select all matching images." when no new images with the named subject exist. However, now Google is taking it to a new level.

After clicking, the pictures take five seconds to fade to white and the new pictures take another five seconds to fade in. And CAPTCHA challenges have an expiry duration of two minutes. This causes CAPTCHAs to expire before it is possible to solve them.

Does Google think I am not a human because I don't have the time to waste whack-a-moling random StreetView pictures?

I have a feeling that Google is laughing at us for wasting efforts solving CAPTCHAs that are not meant to be solved.

Trying to reserve a tour guide at Auschwitz in Birkenau. Google captcha wants me to prove I'm not a roboot. Pops up a collection of images where I should select only those with a TRAIN station..

well played google.

Why has Google implemented those stupid menu bar buttons across the bottom of their apps. Isn't the YouTube app over jammed already. With most android phones using on screen buttons, you have to reach your thumb over the bezel, nav buttons and menu bar just to make a scroll motion for your content. I've sent Google feedback multiple times to of course (typical Google) to no avail. Let iOS have lower third menu buttons. We don't all have an S8, which as I see it is the only way this is alleviated.

Whenever tech support answers "yes, i can help you with that sir",

what they really mean is "no, but i will google it for you"

"We totally know everything about SEO, you should trust us and pay us so your website is #01 because we know how Google ranks their shit" (not literally)

No fuck you. No one knows how google ranks pages. No one. And your pseudo information is even free to find on the first google result about seo that is above yours. Oh look, they must be better than you with that.

Hello world in different languages. Everyone can add a suggestion :) . No google translate!!! I give the first ones :)
Only one language per person! 😂

English: hello world

I have no idea how the fuck it happens, but whenever my mom uses computer, somehow, she manages to end up with the stupid shit Ask and other useless shitty extensions taking over Google Chrome!

:/

*clears my google fan boy throat*

No

Firebase is pure fucking assrape!
How can these spoiled cunts of Google "develop" such a stinking pile of rotten placenta?
No, one fucking Promise is not enough... you have to return Promises for every single smegma function!
I want to just blow up this ugly afterbirth!!

It seems that Google devs are just spoiled MacCunt Pro brats who copy-paste code around until something "kind of works".

Hmmm!!! google photos me null? am no null shit.

Scouring the internet for documentation, then you find a promising google result

THEN IT'S A FUCKING FORUM THAT I HAVE TO SIGN UP FOR FIRST

no thanks

I'm installing Unity. Choosing the "sign in with Google" option, this leads to a screen asking for my Google account and password - *inside the installer*. No external browser.
What made them think it's legitimate? Why can't they just open my web browser for this? Why should I trust them with my email password?

Hello Google.... My app is a calculator. No payments involves...

Wow $50 a month for LinkedIn premium.... What a joke?

Signed up for trial just to msg some ppl at Google and Microsoft... Including Nadella.... No reply but still.... Wow.... Why the fuck would anyone pay for this stuff other than recruiters...

Is this some sort of status symbol?

I was stuck at this error for the 4-6 days.. Did lots of research on stackoverflow, Google, YT.. Asked my peers tried like hell. Finally one of friends told me you aren't giving I/p and how can you expect an o/p there is no error neither in the compiler nor in the code..
Me: ;_;

Just when I need to update, Google says no 😒

The Play Store just added even more white to it's design with the latest update.

Once again Google is going the wrong way with their design choices....

Can we please just have a dark mode.

I just read this great line in the Google SRE book which I have experienced myself:

"Some of the most satisfying coding I’ve ever done was deleting thousands of lines of code at a time when it was no longer useful."

Is anyone here living Google free?

I've switched to using DuckDuckGo and ProtonMail for a while now, but I still find YouTube to be unreplaceable.

And also all the Google stuff on Android, like the play store and other integrations.

I know there's F-Droid and ROMs I might be able to install that wouldn't use any google service; just curious if some have done this successfully.

PM keeps asking me for a report on page hits. I've given him page hits, page views, page visits and his reply is always the same...

"No, this means nothing to me. I want page hits/visits. Google analytics!"

I'm like O_o ...

Serious question for anybody who has dared to understand manager-speak: Do you know what a 'Task Rewind' is? We have it in our documentation, but google gives me no help as to what the hell it could mean.

...Or should I just take my original gut feeling and classify this as yet another word for the clown dictionaries?

Caller: Hi, I work with Google. Can I talk to the decision maker of [your company]?
Me: I am. (Ho, my god, this is finally happening, I'm the chosen one!)
Caller: Would you like to improve your visibility on Google by ...
Me cutting short: Thanks but I'm not interested.
*Click*
To myself: Raaah, me too I work "with" Google!

(no my phone doesn't do *click*, it does *bee doooom*, but well)

TFW you google an error and all you get are GitHub issues with rambling conversation and no resolution. Marginally better than having no relevant responses IMHO.

Stuff is so rapidly depricated in javascript that you always have to add current year in Google searches to find something relevant.

"Dammit, this answer is from 2016, probly no good today".

If you are sad about not getting into Google I/O, just know that people AT the event also have to livestream sessions because there's no room in the venues.

It sucks.

No one is perfect. Not even Google Assistant!

I've never installed games on my phone (except one or two for testing, from the beginning of my use on phone)

But Google keeps fucking suggesting Games every single time I open Google Play.
And no, it's not just one or two suggestions, it's the all fuckening screen full of games..

I'm not fan of games.. good work google and AI and alll stuff

When your project is absolutely awesome but no one finds it on google...

Wait what. Soo apparently google duo is a system application? When did that happen... And why duo tho? And not allo?? Kind of wanted to try out allo tbh. Just have no friends using allo...

So I was messing with mitmproxy in my phone and for some reason all Google services are blocked on it.

Apps hang when I suppose they're requesting to Google api, though chrome works for some reason.

I just realised Google even tracks the links you share with your contacts via chrome's address bar.

I'm thinking of going no-Google, any rom recommendations?

Thanks

How Mark Zuckerberg tells Bill Gates that his company is retarded.
.
Whatsapp works with M$ Edge 13+
DOWNLOAD THE LATEST VERSION OF WINDOWS 10 or use Google Chrome, Firefox... 😂😂😂 -- No. you can't just download M$ Efge 13+ it won't work

I get questions a lot online on how to do something with programming. (at least it's not someone asking me to help with their printer). I have no clue why they keep asking me though, I don't know how to do shit. I just google and press buttons until it does something somewhat cool.

Today's my company's official final day with Slack.

Starting tomorrow it's nothing but the "superior" Google Chat. I will have no choice but to join the others who have already migrated over.

FML

It also mean I won't have any access to messaging outside the office because I don't want to accept the security certs on my phone.

Microsoft buys npm
Am I the only one seeing a tendency of a few big companies (Microsoft, Apple, Google, Yandex, Tencent and 10-15 more) slowly (or not so slowly) acquiring more and more small companies? I hope however that it stays as transparent to the end user; I also hope it even helps, because I hate getting used to a product/service and then the company dropping it because they have no resource and/or interest in supporting it (Google Inbox anyone?)

"would you like to share these anonymous statistics to google to improve angular in the future?" And the default option is No

Lol

It baffles me that there is no option to embed a YouTube video in a Google Doc.

So I go into Google Search Console to try to determine why its saying pages are not compliant with mobile and whatnot.

3 hours later I come out realizing that what Google REALLY wants is for everyone to build every web page as static HTML with no script tags and never a call to an external website. Just dump all that javascript and css and HTML into one BIG FRIGGIN FILE so our crawler feels satisfied that it's loading everything all in one request.

No CMSes allowed unless GOOGLE built it.

Let's just all revert to HTML 1.0 and be done with it.

If you type "Google" into Google, you can break the Internet.

So please, no one try it, even for a joke.

Finally Google kills off a product no-one wanted in the first place! First genuinely exciting announcement from Google in a LONG time. Good riddance Google+!

Am I the only one that wishes that YouTube to either:
-becomes a separate company from google (because, god damn it. Its the only app thats keeping me from going gappless or use microg)
-gets replaced entirely with something not related to google and actually respects the creators

No Google just because I use your app while running daily and hence providing you my data regarding my pace, my running track, my high weight and more doesn't mean that I want to diet

Stop showing dieting tips as news

Conspiracy theory:
There is no parent CSS selector because Google effectively controls web standards, and if that existed then it would be extremely easy to hide ads, ruining their business model. Do you a-- help help they've got me hehgxh dry jvcgk cc d

Integrating Google recaptcha into my web service. For some reason it always errors, both on a production and development environment, correct domains configured, and with he simplest setup. I'm fucking lost, documentation assumes it actually works. Similar errors on stack overflow and Google groups either got no answers or have obvious issues.

Fuck this man

Microsoft Teams logic when using it from Chrome on Linux:

Wanna have a team call with multiple people? Sure no problem, proceed.

Wanna have a direct call with one person? Hell no, we don't do that here!

Also lets just ignore the fact that you are actually running Google Chrome, you should really try out Windows and Edge.

Well, in Google I/O, Android P Beta is announced for Android devices.
I could see it supported by Google, Sony, OnePlus devices. Even rolling out for Oppo, Vivo, MI.

No Samsung? 🤔wondering why??

No, I don’t want to buy a car, Google. I just want the definition of the word, “emission”...

My son used an ASUS Live L1 for about 3 years, and then we bought a new smartphone 1 year ago. Cool, except that the e-mail address he registered with Live L1, no longer exists, has been permanently deleted. His newest phone was stolen, and we took the L1 to set it up again. Only... Google wants him to log in to the original email (FRP Lock) that no longer exists.

How absurd, the L1 cell phone was never marked as stolen, and now we are unable to use our property. Is there a way for my son to convince google that the phone is his?

Microsoft, Google, Apple... They give the impression that people give money and use devices as if they were a "favor".

As a 0.1x programmer, I realised an important lesson today :
You can win school coding contests by plagiarizing code. No one cares, and no one will know.

Because the dude who won the contest was literally copying from Google and stackoverflow and they didn't caught him 😭

Trying to make use of Google Maps. Search results are always sorted by "most relevant" by default, instead of by distance. Always I switch to distance, next search goes "most relevant" instead, which should be labelled "most irrelevant" instead, as it seems to be an excuse to show a list with promoted businesses not only far away, but often unrelated to my actual query. Wasn't Google supposed to be some sort of search engine experts? or at least the lesser evil of search engines? Oh wait, no, they're actually an advertising company, and it shows. Fuck you, Google. Where am I going to throw my Pixel phone and why did I open your shitty apps in the first place? I should switch MY own defaults back to Open Street Map etc.

Google has a really strange idea of what a rate limit is.

I’m trying to feed a few hundred URLs into the link shortener service. Docs say “1m a day, 1 req per second per user.”

No problem. Put a 1.2s sleep between hits.

Almost to the end... 403 rate limit exceeded.

(╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

Gotta make a bullshit deck, not really my job, but I guess it makes a change...

Right-click, save image.

It's a webp file...

...oh just FUCK OFF WEBP YOU F-oh, actually, I'm making this in Google Slides. That's literally their own format! I'll just save these as webp, no need to worry.

(ten minutes and lots of saving later)

Drag a webp file into Google Slides, in Google Chrome:

"Sorry, this format is not supported."

Even your parents hate you, webp. Time to have a nice bath with a bar heater, webp.

Had a fun adventure this morning. Had to deliver some bags to some houses. Entered the addresses in Google Maps. Off we go. First house, no problem. Second house, and Google is taking me on a weird route, through some parking lots and stuff. Finally, it wants me to turn onto a bike trail. WTF? My Google maps is set for bike routes. Went a lot faster when I set it to car. No wonder there were so many bikes and the road seemed so narrow.

so that's how it is... 2,500 seats and no place for me... I don't blame anyone, just sad about it 😭
'Google and Udacity have developed a variety of free learning resources for you'... yeah of course, no need to apply to the scholarship because you provide free learning resources???

Fucking Google firebase database has no equivalent of 'SELECT * FROM shitheads LIMIT 10, 10'.
Better download those first 20 elements!

Descending order? haha. Fuck you.
Add your own custom index for that shit!

Why the fk is there still no dark theme for google calender? Mostly for phones. This shit is lame google. Even freaking outlook has a dark theme by now!

We were are going there is no internet!
Not to worry, I'll bring the Google

Fuck Android Studio updates. Why you morons call it a "STABLE" update when its clearly not? -_-
You guys ruined the layout editor -_- But you guys also left no way to use the older version nowadays.

Fuck you Google!!!
FUCK!!!

Fuck you Firefox and your shitty debugger.

Why do you try to be so different, to the point where you make the error messages obscure?

Google the error message I get in the Chrome debugger - hundreds of results.

Google the error message I get in the Firefox debugger - I can count the results with my fingers.

Just use the same error messages god damn it.

P.S: Also, why is there no fucking option to open an image in a new tab, like in Chrome?

Yes you are. Not a single reason. Clearly no one. I am very surprised. This recruiter put in some very subtle irony and lots of effort (google "minutes in an hour")

When your partner decides right as you are able to sleep is the time to be worrying. No that freckle on your arm doesn't look like a bed bug bite. You've obviously never seen a bedbug bite. Now I have to look them up on Google to prove I'm correct. ಠ_ಠ