My company is like:

Boss: How long do you estimate to make a universe?
God: 14 billion years.
Boss: You have 7 days. Please reserve 1 for Q&A.

Email clients, please DO NOT TRIM THE TITLE !

*Website exists*

Client: “I should be rich by now. Please fix.”

Me: “... Did you do any ... marketing?”

Client: “I don’t have money for marketing. That’s what the website is for.”

Dear Microsoft

Please do not fuck up GitHub.

Yours sincerely
All developers

Please people! I'm begging you! please use !Rant correctly
! means NOT
!Rant == NOT Rant
You cannot call yourselves developers if you do not understand this simple syntax!

Me: Can we do this with your module?

Creator: Yes

Me: How?

Creator: By adding the need values. Please see the docs. :)

Me: You have no documentation on this feature besides, "yes."

*Creator has closed ticket.*

Please do rename the "master" branch to "Führer". The umlaut will probably catch a bunch of applications that aren't UTF-8 ready.

A Man from the toilet shouts to his wife :
- Darling, darling, do you hear me?!!!!
- What happened, did you run out of toilet paper?
- No, restart the router, please!

This is how I feel most of my client proposal start:

* It's simple, I'd like to re-invent <the wheel>.

* All I want to do is use <rocketship engine> on <old typewriter>.

* I'm too cheap to hire a full-time < DBA, DevOps engineer, development team>. Can I pay you pennies?

* I'm poor and broke, can you do this for free?

* I'd like to <commit illegal act> and be <legal compliant standard>.

* I heard it was possible to <fly 30 people to the moon> using <Ford Model-T>. Please do this for us.

* I <sold my house>, but now <I'm locked out by the new owners>. Please help.

One of our CEO: “we dont have the internet speed that we have paid for - I will check it out”

Developers: “please dont, remember last time?”

CEO: “the net will only be down for a couples of minuts”

Developers: “please dont touch anything, and do it after hours”

1 hour later we still dont have the internet restored.

FML!

Client: Please fix the logo.
Me: Okay, what needs to be fixed exactly?
Client: Put this word next to that word(shows me an example).
Me: Okay, no problem.
*after 5 minutes*
Client: You did not do what I asked for. Please fix the logo. Make it look better. Make it bigger and more outstanding. Dont change my logo
Me: Okay, I will revert the changes.
*Reverts to the old logo, and only does that as I do not fucking know what to do with oudstanding for fucks sake*
Client: I will talk to your boss. No one cares. My web site is not even finished and no one cares.
*It is finished, now the client looks for small things to make a big issue of*
Me: Could you please tell me in detail, what do you need to be fixes?
Client: I want the wording better. Im going to talk to your boss...

well fuuuck fucking fuck Im pissing blood!!!!!!!!!

Mum: Tom time to do something get off your computer
Me: *continues staring at computer*
Mum: Tom?
Me: ...
Mum: TOM
Me: Whaaa? *moves head slightly up but still doesn't take eyes off computer"
Mum: Please get off your computer there's stuff you've gotta do
Me: *finally looking up* OK just let me fix this one thing I'm so close
Mum: fine, 5 mins
*5 mins later:
Mum: come on Tom time to get off
Me: uuuggghhhhhhhh I'm nearly done please
Mum: hurry up
Me: *tries to hurry and finish as to not upset her* please I'm so close
Mum: *furious glance*
Me: *furiouser typing noises and frantic clicking*
Me: *finishes, attempts to run the program*
Program: *runs just fine and problem I was trying to fix was working great*

...

...

*something else breaks*
Me: ok mum please just this one thing
Mum: OFF

This is so fucking, fucking annoying.

Client (through ticket system): here's new nameservers my domain has to use, please enter them thank you!"
Me: you can easily do that yourself! *gives link to extremely fucking easy click-done tutorial*
Client: oh but I'm not technical, could you please do it anyways?

HAVE YOU EVEN FUCKING LOOKED AT THE LINK?!

THIS SHIT HAPPENS EVERY GODDAMN DAY.

When so called developers "fixes" things by setting 777 on directories...

Please do not call yourself a dev

Dev : Can you change permissions for conf file please ?
Me : Yeah sure, what permissions set do you need ?
Dev : 667
Me: ...

Hired a dev with everything he asked for on interview.
Started on Monday.
Take half day leave on Tuesday.
Informed his resignation on Wednesday.

For fuck sake, please don't do that people. For your mother and grandmother and great great grandmother sake. Please just don't.

”OMG WE CAN’T GET INTERNET TO WORK! WE CAN’T DO ANYTHING! PLEASE COME AND HELP US ASAP!!!!!”

*rush over there, expecting the worst*

”So yeah, what’s the WiFi password again?”

:|

Yes please. Do it! #StackOverflowRulez
But he missed Ctrl+A 😂

My computer to me :- Please don't do this😢😢

This bitch at work is afraid of hard work and is currently spending more energy fighting the work than just doing it.

She wants to keep a legacy setting that's on the wrong scope -- per merchant, not per payment -- in addition to the setting I've added on the correct scope. She's bringing in management two levels up all because "I've already moved on from this" and "it will require me to write code quite a bit" (first paraphrased for clarity, second is an exact quote)

Bitch, your way is dirty as fuck and is going to break things. Roll up your sleeves and do your damn job!

Dear Santa,

I know I'm 11 months early, but I have an urgent request. Please, never make me have to do web development again. It has been 24 hours and I've had enough.

Lots of love,
Me

Welcome do London! Please mind the plugs.

Snapchat, then Instagram, then WhatsApp, then effin FB messenger...
devRant please DO NOT GET THAT SHITTY 'STORIES UPDATE' NOW...

Please don't put this on your resume and definitely don't list a language at 50% just because you used it once for a project.
We both know you're over exaggerating and all you'll do is waste my time.

Dear son: when I ask you to stop using Netflix because I need all the network juice for a work-related call, please do close it or play a downloaded movie. Don't just turn the volume off...

PM: Please get this done by tomorrow. It's just a small change.
Dev: No its not that simple.
PM: Why is it not simple? Please explain so I can understand.
Dev after a hard thought finally explains: blah blah blah
PM: Well, we have promised the client so please do this by tomorrow, thanks.
Dev: *bangwall

PM: Please do this immediately.
Me: But the other deadline, I...
PM: I don't care, do this first!
Me: Alright, fine.

(at the end of the day)
PM: Why is the thing you were doing not finished yet!?

Linux you are just the perfect OS in all terms but please do something for gamers. I cant keep on switching laptops for work and playing dota. Hell even the keyboard layout is like way different in both.

“Please develop my complicated eCommerce website. The cost should be somewhere between $0 and $100 because I can do it with a template in Wix or SquareSpace or hire a bot non-person from Fiverr to do it for me if you don’t honor the price I’m asking.”

—United States

Look babe, i love you. I really do, and i will make time for you, and have dinner dates & go to movies, and beaches, but please just let me finish my f*$&ken code!!

Why the fuck would people use non English html classes and IDs, or just randomly mix languages. Please don't fucking do this

Should I be afraid right now?

Dev: can I swap out an existing UI framework from this codebase for a completely different one, because it doesn't do the small enhancement I've been tasked to do?

Me: ...............

please lord, give me strength in these pressing times.

@dfox can we please add an optional 'vote' option in rants? :D It would be fun to check the preferences of people for different things.

e.g. How do you pronounce 'git'?
1. Git
2. Jit

Please, if you're recruiting a freshly graduated or junior developper, DO NOT ask him to be a fucking expert in whatever field or tech you're looking for.

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Please tell me how much do you HATE yourself for owning 0 / not enough bitcoins.

Please do not send me fucking messages saying “hi how are you?“ and then wait for my response before asking me what you actually want.

Qa: do you think this looks like the provided designs?

Me: yes I do...?

Qa: well it doesn't, please check

Me: well I hate playing find the difference, how about you fucking tell me what exactly is wrong?

Please don't comment in front of the code like this:

doSomething(); // does something

Please just stahp

Do this:

// does something
doSomething();

Much better and friendly for everyone

A frustrated husband in front of his laptop wrote in the search box:
"Dear Google please do not behave like my wife ... allow me to complete my sentence before you start suggesting or guessing"

Just got a merge request to review. It's TERRIBLE

- 93 changes
- 23 commits
- includes multiple features
- includes new project configs
- includes refactoring

NO. Please don't do that.

Do smaller commits. One feature per MR. It will help you and the reviewer :D

I didn't actually realize anyone could be this dumb. Sure, I'd heard stories, but I wasn't sure that I'd ever come across this level of stupidity in the wild. I was moving email across hosting accounts for someone, and I asked them to please navigate to a certain domain. Then they asked what navigate meant, so I told them to please type it into the URL bar. They said "OK." 5 seconds later, they said, "Which one do I click on?" They googled the url. So I asked them to please type it into the URL BAR. Then they asked what that was.

...like what? I just told you this yesterday. How fast does information fall out of your head? Do you forget where your toilet is when you wake up every morning? How do these people even function in society?

-_-

Yes, please ask me 5 times more, if I'm done yet, each time you do, things just magically do themselves

Client: "I'd like something like eBay..."

Do you answer:

A) Use eBay
B) You'll need more than the £250 budget you've set
C) Please leave and never bother me again

Dear Apple
I'm using AppLoader, a tiny app with only one thing to do: Upload IPA (app) file to your servers, please explain WHY THE FUCK IT TOOK 4.5GB RAM TO DO A SIMPLE TASK!

Dafuq is wrong with these guys -.-

Please do not ever add a rantMap update, it would be creep as fuck. Thank you for your time.

"Okay sales guy, please keep in mind, this is just a PoC. Do not sell it yet." ...and it is sold.

Just got an email from a professor.
"Please note that there are times that are blocked on the schedule! I’d also ask that you not pick a time marked as 'free'."
...
Then when do we meet

Chrome please STOP... Chrome why you do this...

Day 1: Client requested this change! Please do it!
[Make the change]
Day 2: Hold on, this is a new request and out of scope. we should reject this change.
[Rollback change]
Day 3: Client said they really need it. Please make the change.
[rollmyeyes]

To whom it may concern,

When I say I use Linux, please do not presume that I mean Ubuntu or other Debian derivates. If you send me instructions like 'apt-get update' you are not being helpful.

Thank you.

Dear Luis,

If you are an anonymous hacker, please do not include your name in the mail.

Sincerely,
cursemeslowly a.k.a the person who has visited a porn site and supposedly being hacked by an Anonymous Hacker named Luis

Boss : Can you please make a page where I can add a magazine cover image, summary and source urls.

Me : Sure.
..
..
..
Me : here you go.

Boss : How do I upload multiple images in this page ?

I'm so weary of JS right now but every time i want to code something in another language i just think:
"Why don't i just do this in JS. Would be much easier."

Please help me.

Super important prospective client: Yes but can your software application do that thing?

Me: Yes, yes it can do that thing.

Prospective: Great, fantastic thank you please take my money.

Me: Awesome.

Me: *runs away to implement that thing*

Please have my tombstone read "sales-oriented software" as cause of death.

Android Studio, could you please, pretty please, pleaaaasssse update my drawables on the layout preview when I change them? Or, at least, if I change 10 images, update all of them, or none. Don't choose randomly what to do with them. It's really unnerving.

Me at home with my sister.
She(with water jar): Roshan, I can't open up the jar, please help me.
Me(coding): Do not disturb me!! just install Java runtime environment (JRE) and open it again.

HAPPY NEW FUCKING YEAR BECAUSE IT WILL SUCK WAY MORE THAN THE LAST ONE AND CAN WE PLEASE JUST FUCKING STOP CELEBRATING AND GET BACK TO WRITING FUCKING RANTS AGAIN?! BECAUSE I WILL FUCKING DO!

Oh are you fucking kidding me?
Why the fuck do you need people to add you as a person who could view all my activities?

Why the fuck would I do so?
How does this help with network security

I might be wrong. In that case please correct me

What gets on my nerves 😤😤😤😤😤😤😤

Please do it asap I'm sure it is a simple task

Please don’t do this.

Can't believe a student, that got higher grade in Database Management System, asked me
"How do you connect 2 Tables in SQL?"

Well I did help her, but please...

"STACKOVERFLOW"

SOMEONE PLEASE JUST TELL ME:

HOW DO I STOP BEING SO FUCKING AWKWARD!!!!!!!! Tell me please, i swear to you. My life would be so much better if i wasn’t so awkward and have social anxiety. Tell me what to do because i’m tired of it, i hate it so much.

Please remember that comments in html do not start with //. This comes from the website of one of the most important gas and electricity distributor in Italy btw...

Go a text from the IRS this morning.

Started with "Hello dear" and ended with something along the likes of "sir, please do this sir, thank you sir"

Yeeeeeeeh, definitely legit

!dev

In the US, when a technician or something says "yeah anywhere from 8am to 7pm" they will show up around 6pm.

In Germany, however, if they say "8am to 7pm" they're at your door at 7am, knocking loudly and unapologetically.

Yes, please, checking my heaters is so urgent, please do it right now. There's not a moment to lose. Don't worry, it's not like we were still asleep.

>_>

Please add option to share results on Facebook. I worked on a grading software for teachers. Do they want to share "I just failed a student. Come and join me on (link)!"??

I hope we wont turn this app to devgag tho

Is there anybody who startet a startUp and failed? Not to be rude, but could you please explain, what you did wrong atd what I could do better?

Someone I know lost a job opportunity to an indian "consulting firm" later to be approached by the developers of said firm to help with a joke of a compensation.

This is glorious and one of the primary reasons why I hate trying to freelance.

Just imagine having an email with a thousand "Sir, please give how to do .....sir please this sir please that"

Absolutely gorgeous.

What do you wanna become? / What are you?

1. PHP Developer
2. Python Developer
3. Node.Js Developer
4. JavaScript Developer
5. Java Developer
6. Android Developer
7. Other (please mention in comment)

Rant!

When I'm in my "zone" working please for the love of god don't stand behind me staring at me and my screen, every time you do that you make me feel that my privacy is being raped and I can't do anything about it !!

Dear Gradle,
I just modified a single attribute value in an XML. Please!!
You just built the whole thing a few minutes ago.. Why do you wanna... Oh well...

Gradle build running....

I'm not knowledgeable when it's about Linux, so when I want to do some stuff I always have to take a f*cking lesson and a half. Could someone please explain to me what Docker is?

Every 2019 tech startup: We do deep machine learning with big data in the cloud.
Investors: Please take our money!

I have a dissertation to do in under two weeks.....i still haven't finished coding the program, to get the results i need to write about.... could i have a stress ball please D :

Where do most devRant users come from?
Please add your country in the comments or ++ if already existing!

Dont ++ this question though. I ask out of curiosity and not for the ++.

Yes former technical person who is now a business person. Please, please advise me on my job with your decaying outdated skills. Yes, google for me. I didn't know how to do that. Ah wonderful yes, you recall this being "easy" which is why you quit the field. What a nice time this is.

Please do not shutdown your computer, we're updating GitHub.

Guys! Guys!

How do I pull? Please help me!!!

What do you guys think of codecademy, free code camp and their likes? Please recommend good learning platforms better than these for absolute beginners.
Also can you use android studio for java programs and not just android apps?

"Can you please restart your computer?"

"uh... how do I do that?"

It's going to be a long day.

What music do you listen to when you code? Also, can you please recommend some. Music with minimal to no wording is what interests me. Any suggestions would be appreciated:)

Devs: Can we please get adequate hardware to do our job correctly? Please, just a new set of larger monitors.
Lower management: Sure, this is going to be easy.
Upper management: Wait what? This will cost us around 500€ times 10? Any maybe in the end other departments will want that to, so make it times 100.

We're a 4+ billion company ... but yes, please, I love scroll bars and they make my work so much faster.

A question for all the front-end developers of devRant. How the fuck do you get a really good color scheme for a website?

P. S. I am not a front-end dev so please simple words

This is what I love about fellow devs - they know what's best, you don't need to ask something like "please keep adding xyz to your post so we can see if it...". We just do it. :3

When the project manager (who knows nothing about code) tells me how to structure HTML markup. No, please, tell me how to do my job.

Wait... Do people really think C is an accurate way to learn how a computer works... Please tell me it isn't so

Getting up at 6:00 probably starts to please me. It's been three hours and I've done most of the things today.

Do you prefer to get up early or sit at night?

atm: what would you like to do?
me: $40 fast cash from checking
atm: select an account
me: checking
atm: please enter an amount to withdraw
me: $40

FINALLY fixed a stupid website issue. Absolutely nothing to do with my job, but it's also no-one else's job - the website was apparently contracted out years ago and everyone just let it go when they saw this thing.

...also 'finally' refers to the fact that it's been bugging me since I interviewed several months ago. I spent longer finding the thing I was looking for than I did fixing it

I received this message this morning. Please house What do I reply these newbie scammer? Am laughing here.

Relatives: what do you do?
Me: Software Engineer
Relatives: Can you please fix my printer!
Me: what ????

Guys do you know some good music for coding ???? I really need to inject hype or relaxation into the long long way of coding ?? If you know any good playlist in spotify for coding please say in comment
Thanks.

My manager when I forget something: "I can't micromanage you, you should remember to do the thing"
Also my manager: "Please remind me to do that thing"
I'm the company reminder it seems.

Can interviewers PLEASE stop asking cliche and terrible questions??
Interviewer: "Where do you see yourself in five years?"
Me: "Not with you guys obviously, you dumb piece of shit."
That's what I'd like to say to them at least... :/

Quora, Can You please tell me where is the FucKinG Close Button?
😡😡😡
I do not want to download your app :/

I hate developing UI, I really do someone please murder me I promise I won’t press charges

I die a little when I see inline styles
Don't do that please

I love Mondays, I can finally rest after a "please do something beside sitting in front of this computer!" and start coding peacefully.

I would say that I have good parents and my dad also supports what I do (most of the time) but could my mother please calm down and let me do what I enjoy doing while not yelling at me to learn Latin saying that it is 'the most important subject'.

Guy at school
"I could do that... OR I could do it... in C#HNNNNNNNNGH"
Yeah, we get it. You like C#. Hooray for you. Please stop cumming every time it's mentioned.

Dear bug,
Can you please just go away? I'm away from home right now so I can't do much, I did a lot yesterday to try and get you to leave. Thank

Hey React, why won't you die?

Seriously, you are cumbersome to use, heavy as shit, awful syntax and do only the most basic reactive operations possible.

Why do you have to re-render un-changed components?

You were good when you came out, but please, get the fuck out of job requirements everywhere.

Meanwhile at my place (Translation L-R):

"Wow! Are you good at hacking?"
"Please hack my neighbor's Wi-Fi"
"Download me some movies!"
"Are you good at math?"
"Please fix my phone!"
"Can you remove the virus on my computer?"
"How many hours do you sleep in one day?"
"Put some cheats on this game!"
"Please hack my boyfriend's Facebook account!"

Yep, my family and even the entire neighborhood are ignorant of what I do as a dev!

FFS I'M NOT A PC REPAIR MAN!!! 😤😤😤😠😡

If you do this, please, don't have children.

P.D. count the number of *if*s

Game reviews on Steam are now like, “Not recommended. Seemed like a good game, but the story is linear and there’s really nothing to do.” …with approximately 180hrs of playtime on record for a $25 game.

Do us all a favor and please continue to stare at your phone while walking into oncoming traffic.

„Please do not ask any questions in the meeting next monday, I don’t want to be embarrassed!“

- The senior giving me and two colleagues an introduction into his field of work...

WTF

TechSuppDept: There is a critical antivirus upgrade we need to do...

Me(email): can you give me 48 more hours, ive already spent 7days processing my data... cpu, mem already at 97% utility

TechSuppDept: Please explain your email.

Me: .

If you're recording a tutorial then please switch to dark theme. Just because you like getting your eyes burned it doesn't mean the rest of us also do

daily.
PM/PO/SM/dev(new!): so i've continued working on feature X, i did this and that (shows screenshot of UI in Jira) and for today i'm planning to do XYZ. anyquestionsnothennextoneplease.
me: sorry, i have a question. did you persist your changes in our repo?
PM: no, not yet.
me: okay, please do this, you've spent several days of work on this. i mean, it's fine if build servers don't build it yet, that's what our feature branches are for.
PM: you're absolutely right, and i will definitely do it at some point.
me: at some point?
PM: yes. dev x, your update please.

- Can you please repair my laptop?
- Ok.... -.-

What do you think, how old is it?

Lecture videos should not have background music.

Please, if you are making a teaching video, do not do this. It is very distracting.

Do you live alone? Do you work hard and barely have time to do things?
Please tell me how you eat 3 meals of healthy food. If you do of course..

Please stop tagging rants with the weekly rant tag if they have nothing to do with the weekly rant, it makes you look attention hungry.

Dear Apple,

You suck at push notifications. Please allow Google to do its good job (Firebase) without going through your servers.

Fuckingly pissed,
A programmer

!rsnt

How do I get out of my shell and be more extrovert?
(Please don't say '>exit' !!!)

If there is anything I hate in life more than XCode is not organizing work!

A feature done few months ago on mobile, tested, passed QA and now it is not working! Why? Because API got screwed!! Why? Because someone is changing the core of the system without notifying anyone!!

Both API and that feature were not touched in months and suddenly stopped working and guess who is blamed, damn right me and the API dev when non of us even made a change -.-

Food and Programmers life:
Spaghetti —> My Code
Pizza —> We are spending the night working in the office
Power Drinks —> delivery date is tomorrow morning
Candy —> extra task
Coffee —> bug massage
Water —> wash your face, we have meetings in five minutes
Truffle —> fu** BlockChain
KitKat —> upgrade your phone please
Lollipop —> one more time please
Marshmallow —> do you like some Nougat?

Talking to a computer: change bootstrap class onclick javascript

Talking to an human: Good morning, please how do I change the bootstrap class when I click on an element with Javascript, thank you, I love you.

do not use the word coder please.

if you write code, you're a programmer. if you call yourself a coder, you're either a sixth grader who just learned about the terminal, or an idiot.

Battleforthenet.com do your duty! Please 😢

So...you downloaded a new keyboard you can't get it out of the second person. You don't know what to do. Help you, please.

Please and please, if you cannot take the time out to create new classes do not copy and paste another without editing it properly! I noticed you do a find and replace and then leave 50% of variable names un-edited because all errors are gone. I am begging you in the name of Zeus edit your shit!
Here is one dick head:

Will be offline for few days.
If you see me like/comment to your post or post any rant until next month, please mention me there with "gitlog do your work or you'll not make it"

Worst captcha i have ever seen:

IT description of remote access tool on IT wiki page:
"Support for latest Mac and Windows release"

Also same page:
"macOS Mojave is not yet supported (...) Please do not upgraded until instructed"

No comments...

If you use CamelCase, please don't write acronyms in all caps like MakeDNA, it breaks the harmony and confuses punctuation. Instead do MakeDna.

There are at least 3 posters in the bathrooms at the office saying please put the toilet seat down before you leave, yet people still can't do that

Please take note : I don't want a "subscribe to our newsletter" pop-up to cover the entire fucking screen whenever I visit your website; nor do I want that damn video to auto-play.

While I'm not a dev, I do love computers and I do know my way around them, so friends/family often ask me for tech support.

Friend: Please fix my computer!

Me: what's wrong with it?

Friend: *sends me pic of blue screen of death*

Me: ...

Me: I don't think you understand

How do you generate/ write your invoices? Please, recommend me your favorite tool/ procedure.

Hostinger
Hostgator

DigitalOcean for VPS ?

Something else ?

Please do suggest a host for shared hosting.
Moving from GoDaddy 🤦😅.

I know, shouldn't have tried in the first place.

Guys may i have your opinion please.

Should i take a job opportunity seriously if they are asking me to do an AngularJS code challenge?

Taking into consideration that AngularJS became outdated or legacy few months ago.

What do you think

Intern - adds commit message like "added two files"

Me - Hey Intern, I've added commit lint, please don't disable precommit hooks.. so let's follow standard commit message format

Intern - commits like "feat(app): fix changes"

*later*

Me - Hey Intern, please commit with short meaningful messages like what actual changes were made

Intern - commits like feat(app): whole long story of what he couldn't do and some changes..

Me - 🤦

For whatever ungodly reason my containers library, which has extensive testing, profiling, and benchmarks against other containers libraries receives regular emails directed towards me about it, always one of two things

1) "don't reinvent the wheel" I have to assume these people haven't looked at the performance characteristics or features at all. I didn't waste away weeks of my life. I needed something and couldn't find it anywhere. I'm outperforming many crap implementations by nearly an order of magnitude, and can offer queries upon the containers in both generalized and specialized forms. As an analogy, I made airless 3d printed wheels, and people are regularly telling me I should still be using ancient wooden spoke wheels; they probably would argue in favor of using a horse drawn carriage as well. How is it possible technically minded people can also be so anti-progress?

2) "Please rewrite this in X language." You know what? YOU rewrite it. I chose what I did because it made it easy to do what I needed to do. Hilariously, the languages I get asked to use most often, are the same who's containers libraries perform worst in the benchmarks.

Both sound like half baked developers trying to sound superior. Pull your head out of your ass and actually outperform me and others. I'm so fucking sick of this "all talk no action" bullshit.

Q: can you do this awsome project?
A: of course, i would love to develop this shit.
Q: ok, then lets get started. btw please do this in wordpress.
A: bye

Just curious; what kind of music do you guys listen to while coding? I tend to listen to all kinds of instrumental music, which I find great for keeping focus.

Please do share if you're sitting on a great playlist for coding, it's always fun to listen to something new!

Aws Lambda and serverless framework. Yes FaaS is cool. Love it. But it is pain in ass when you have the only way for you deploy is zip the fucking code with all the dependencies. Comm'on AWS you can do better. Look at azure functions. Please give me a git deployment support. Please I beg. Each test iteration takes like for ever. Also no proper local emulator. Fuck you AWS. Fuck you serverless.

A) "Why did you do that?"
B)<typing>
A) "Hello? I'm talking to you..."
B) "Sorry, i missed to tag this Commit. please see the commit history for your questions. That's why i use the DVCS.

I am to sleep, boss calls please do this...

Boss thinks we are machines hahaha, 72hrs of no sleep and counting...

My dear designer friend.
I do not appreciate you juggling colors on the website that we're supposed to finish in a week. Please stop that. Your mockup was titled "FINAL" three weeks ago. It's not just replacing variables in files, but also shit like recoloring image backgrounds and svgs, and GUESS WHO HAS TO DO IT BECAUSE YOU'RE ILLITERATE WHEN IT COMES TO WEB OPTIMIZATION.
And if you do change shit please, please just ping me about it and not expect me to be a psychic that I need to download new sketch file.
Always yours.

Whatever you do, just please don't run web server over DSL connection. Thank you

Guys, I'm wondering what do you put in your CVs.
Do you only mention what you master?
Do you mention things you only worked with once?
Do you mention things you only have theoretical knowledge about?
Do you mention mainstream skills ( HTML/CSS) that almost developer knows?
Please, I'm struggling.

Please, can someone explain to me how in the frickin world an "authorized support person" can do this inside a ProCurve switch?
"Look ma! I have soldering skillz!"

Why apply to interviews if you don't wanna show up? I start feeling stupid because I showed up on time for your interview.

Please, please people; don't apply if you're not going to come; we have other things to do too...

Why do popular media paint "programming" as easy... this is a very big deciet. please let stop this lies.
programming is not for everyone, not everybody can code.
and please dump the f**king "Girls can code" slogan.
there is no need for the hype.

The on thing in an email pisses me off more than “Do the needful”, Or “raised a request”, or even referring to me by my last name is ending an email with “Please advise”.......

Holy Hell. I have never wanted to reach through my monitor and slap the shit out of someone so much. Want to piss me off. Yeah. Finish an email with please advise. Gharrrr!!!

[LinkedIn, Recruiter InMail]

Hello,

I am Lazy As Fuck, and I'm looking for people to work for a company that pays me for doing nothing.

Do you know anyone that is an Angular developer? If you do, please tell them to send me their resume and phone number.

Thanks.

All I wanted to do want uninstall an extension from Visual Studio and then a message came up "Please update Visual Studio Installer before proceeding."

Has any of you reached a point that you want to resign from work because of a client?

We are dealing with a client at work that uses the app for prototyping instead of making designers create wireframe, imagine the amount of code to write,edit, remove, write it again and yet there is always something isn't right from the client point of view.

What is even worse backend guys screw the server and I am the one to be blamed for errors: 5xx
I even get blamed for error 400 (bad request) when that request passes tests but out of a sudden server returns 400, when you hit refresh the exact same moment of error and server decides to return data and stop throwing error 400.

I also get blamed for server fails to return data from a search endpoint, and if server throws 403 for a public endpoint.

This isn't a rant or getting out of my system but I need opinions, I've been working on this project for a year, with complete mess from either client or backend team, if any of you is instead of me, what would you do?

I'm not a complete guy either, but that situation is just beyond my abilities to handle.

PLEASE do not format your code like this!

**phone rings**
- Hello
- Hi. I am calling from *some MNC*. We have a job opportunity for you. Do you have any plans to switch?
- What's the domain?
- It's asp.net and Xamarin.
- Sorry, I do not work on that anymore. Please let me know if you have any openings in Python.

**phone rings again**
- Hello
- Hi. I am calling from *another MNC*. We have a job opportunity for you. Do you have any plans to switch?
- What's the domain?
- It's python.
- Sorry, I do not work on that anymore. Please let me know if you have any openings in asp.net.

My story for last four years. I guess I have found the most humble way to reject the job calls.

Facebook refuses to load up due to a "long running script".
Would you please fuck off with your "hurr let's do *EVERYTHING* in JS" garbage please?

Alright I'm about to flip out so please give me something to program.

JS (web stuff generally)
Python
NodeJS

Just send me stuff to do please

Trying to do something quick: Configuring windows update 1 of 686354587321 please wait...

Please share C++ advice for devs new to the language. What do you guys think is the fastest route to self learning C++ development for infrastructure systems and please suggest resources.

@dfox Please do target="_blank" or similar thing for links in rants on the website :)

“I’ve tried everything, it won’t work. I HAVE to do it this __insert-stupid-dev-fuckery-here__ way”

Hmmmm 🤔 ok have you tried getting down on your hands and knees and walking around like a little piggy begging daddy to rough you up and put you in a pen?!? Because that’s what your gonna need to do for me to forgive you. Please please please just try to THINK about it before you do ANYTHING

Oh boi... that was a great and a shitty day.
Let us just see the positives tho.
A: Shopping in huge ass mall. (I hate Shopping, but not when it is about tech, cars, books, ahem playb... errrm just joking, food and Cinema I am all in.)
B: Visiting a place for animals living on the wild streets of Antalya. That place was right under the sun. It was not a building or anything like that. Near a well-known tower from the Osmanian Empire. There were a lot of kittens everywhere. The kittens were so cute. Omg. Most of them even had an own house. All of them colored in many different colors. Their houses have been donated by couples. Even the government helped the kittens by placing water refreshers with a roof above them. The man who is feeding them is someone who seemed to be like a poor man. He was very kind. I like him. We donated some money, but we could not do any more than that since we are not allowed to take them to Germany via air plane. Makes sense, right?
C: We made a boat trip. Oh boy... That was fucking awesome. I was allowed to get to the "nose" of the boat and chill there. I somehow found the confidence to take a group selfie with strangers LOL

can we just get rid of floating points? or at least make it quite clear that they are almost certainly not to be used.

yes, they have some interesting properties that make them good for special tasks like raytracing and very special forms of math. but for most stuff, storing as much smaller increments and dividing at the end (ie. don't store money as 23.45. store as 2,345. the math is the same. implement display logic when showing it.) works for almost all tasks.

floating point math is broken! and most people who really, truely actually need it can explain why, which bits do what, and how to avoid rounding errors or why they are not significant to their task.

or better yet can we design a standard complex number system to handle repeating divisions and then it won't be an issue?

footnote: (I may not be perfectly accurate here. please correct if you know more)

much like 1/3 (0.3333333...) in base 10 repeats forever, that happens with 0.1 in base 2 because of how floats store things.
this, among other reasons, is why 0.1+0.2 returns 0.30000004

Presenters, please. Do not name your presentations "Advanced X" if you spend 75% time on explaining every detail of basic software usage. DO NOT WASTE MY TIME LIKE THAT

Helping your family with their computers would be much more pleasant if they used right language:
"PLEASE, we NEED you superior problem-solving intelligence and self-confidence, because we are too stupid and anxious to do it ourselves! Please help us!!!"

Do you say to police officers "Please stop me if I'm breaking any laws"?
Do you say to traffic wardens "Please fine me if I'm parked illegally"?
Do you say to rental agents "Please reject my application if I don't meet the requirements"?
Do you say to Restauranteurs "Please turn me away if I don't have a reservation"?
Do you say to Airport staff "Please confiscate my item if it's prohibited"?

...

...then why would you say to a Facebook Group Admin "Please delete if not allowed"?

C'mon, I'm making all the logic and only ask you to make the site look better than my plain html structure. Please do your thing, because the lonely "Slightly improved layout" commit is not helping very much

Well played Alexanderr. If only, you stopped wasting time and put some aside to improve yourselves but no, you'd rather keep crying for me.

Well then, do as you please. And get rekt.

Looking for where a certain value is set I found that our project has a (undocumented) class FunctionsHandler which extends a (undocumented) PIHandler which extends an (undocumented) AbstractHandler which extends Object. All of them do random shit. Somebody, shoot me. Please.

* yes, I have seen the new iPhone
* no, I'm still happy with my current one
* actually I think lots of high-end Android phones are very good too
* will you please stop talking about the sodding headphone jack you're driving me insane please stop please oh god it's happening again I did warn you but you didn't listen you wouldn't stop and now look what you made me do this is all your fault they'll never take me alive

for OSX users: please comment with the top 3 reasons of why do you prefer it over Windows and Linux. Thanks a lot.

Keeping the clients happy is very important but when you have alot of shit to do, being a glorified helpdesk bugs me the fuck out. My inbox is screaming at me: "Please no more... Master please end me!".

How often do you use design patterns and which one most?

Please add your language in which you use them.

Guys, please use caddyserver as your webserver! It creates official tls certs for you without you having to do anything. Help making the web secure. There are too many websites that do not have any security.

Me: I have very perfect reason why I did not come to work to day .
Client: Please state your reason .
Me: its silly I don't wanna talk about it.
Client: please do
Me: my index fingers are hurting
Client: why
Me: what do you mean why I was tying to git push heroku master
But every time some json dependency failed

Heyo fellow i3wm-users.
Please give me some inspiration for my next setup.
What are your color-settings do you have,
What applauncher do you use,
What programs work really well with i3 or something completely different?

So LUA injector to Payday 2 requires on Linux certain library (libcurl3). So you know, sudo apt install libcurl3 and there you go!

You would think.

Apparently while you do that, the installation of libcurl3, it completely nukes your Steam installation... For some reason.
Can some please explain me, what the hell just happened? Please?

Do you think free VPN providers are reliable and not tracking our personal data?

If your answer is Yes then please let me know name of that VPN provider.

CATCH2 PLEASE DO YOU FUCKING WORK.

I HAD TO REWRITE MY FUCKING THING TWO TIMES BECAUSE YOU FUCKING RUN MY TEST CASES WEIRDLY THUS MAKING MY THINGY NOT WORK

I swear to god, If I have to explain git bisect to another "senior" one more time!! Like, how do you _not_ know this?! Know your basics, please! 🤬

Never watch how your coworker solves conflicts 😲

The conversations that come across my DevOps desk on a monthly basis.... These have come into my care via Slack, Email, Jira Tickets, PagerDuty alerts, text messages, GitHub PR Reviews, and phone calls. I spend most of my day just trying to log the work I'm being asked to do.

From Random People:
* Employee <A> and Contractor <B> are starting today. Please provision all 19 of their required accounts.
* Oh, they actually started yesterday, please hurry on this request.

From Engineers:
* The database is failing. Why?
* The read-only replica isn't accepting writes. Can you fix this?
* We have this new project we're starting and we need you to set up continuous integration, deployment, write our unit tests, define an integration test strategy, tell us how to mock every call to everything. We'll need several thousand dollars in AWS resources that we've barely defined. Can you define what AWS resources we need?
* We didn't like your definition of AWS resources, so we came up with our own. We're also going to need you to rearchitect the networking to support our single typescript API.
* The VPN is down and nobody can do any work because you locked us all out of connecting directly over SSH from home. Please unblock my home IP.
* Oh, looks like my VPN password expired. How do I reset my VPN password?
* My GitHub account doesn't have access to this repo. Please make my PR for me.
* Can you tell me how to run this app's test suite?
* CI system failed a build. Why?
* App doesn't send logs to the logging platform. Please tell me why.
* How do I add logging statements to my app?
* Why would I need a logging library, can't you just understand why my app doesn't need to waste my time with logs?

From Various 3rd party vendors:
* <X> application changed their license terms. How much do you really want to pay us now?

From Management:
* <X> left the company, and he was working on these tasks that seem closely related to your work. Here are the 3 GitHub Repos you now own.
* Why is our AWS bill so high? I need you to lower our bill by tomorrow. Preferably by 10k-20k monthly. Thanks.
* Please send this month's plan for DevOps work.
* Please don't do anything on your plan.
* Here's your actual new plan for the month.
* Please also do these 10 interruptions-which-became-epic-projects

From AWS:
* Dear AWS Admin, 17 instances need to be rebooted. Please do so by tomorrow.
* Dear AWS Admin, 3 user accounts saw suspicious activity. Please confirm these were actually you.
* Dear AWS Admin, you need to relaunch every one of your instances into a new VPC within the next year.
* Dear AWS Admin, Your app was suspiciously accessing XYZ, which is a violation of our terms of service. You have 24 hours to address this before we delete your AWS account.

Finally, From Management:
* Please provide management with updates, nobody knows what you do.

From me:
Please pay me more. Please give me a team to assist so I'm not a team of one. Also, my wife is asking me to look for a new job, and she's not wrong. Just saying.

Age 20-25: Don't tell me what to do!!
Age > 25: Please tell me what to do.

Single page apps? Why are there not more complaints?

Why are there so many ways to "build" these apps? Where are the standards?

Also, what do you prefer, framework wise? Please don't say Ember.

Well, I'm now making apps for Android in my class. This is going to be fun. (Sarcasm, please don't make me do this)

First rant!
Ah, npm... Lots of packages use ES6 syntax because it's nice to write, and then transpile to node-compatible code either with CI or a precommit script. Just spent a whole day trying to figure out what was wrong with my project, when it turns out I just had to tell webpack to ignore node_modules *except* for this specific package. Sigh.

Just because I didn't know the direction to work on doesn't mean I didn't do shit

Also, aren't you the professor so you please tell me what to do

And no you don't need to focus on the sample dataset I'm working on. Yes its name is "Breast Cancer" SO WHAT!!!

I completed 3 tickets in a day. Now can I do nothing for the rest of the week please?

Xcode is frustratingly slow and horrible. They engineered it really badly. Why don't you just please collaborate with these intelligent Jetbrains guys? No, you won't do that because ego or because money is more important than your developers' happiness. I do not enjoy this career path to your ecosystem anymore.

Whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy?

Why one would put all 30+ menu items in mixin??! Please do tell.

What frontent framework(s) do you use and why? Please no flame wars in the comments.