PM: By when can you do this?
Me: Monday
PM: Which monday?
Me: Exactly

Morning conversation with wife.

As she puts a stainless steel water bottle on the counter

She: can you make a water bottle for our daughter before school.

Me: I'm not sure, does it have to look like this one, I don't have any training working with metals. But if I have full control over the design. I may be able to come up with something.

She: that not funny, why do you always do that.

Me: do what, that is exactly what you told me to do.

A little later.....

She: I'm running late, can you make sure "everything" up stairs is unplugged..... (She means her curling iron)

I can't wait until she comes home.........;-)

Me: *staring at computer screen, not looking busy*

Boss: Why are you not working?

Me: I am, I'm just waiting for this thing to finish installing.

Boss: You do realize you can still do other stuff while that's running, right?

Me: Didn't you send me an article last week about the dangers of multitasking?

Boss: um...

Me: *now intently staring at progress bar..."

Boss: fuck sakes... *walks away*

Currently acing an interview, had to do a typing test, got 67wpm and 98% accuracy.

"If you want faster I'd have to bring my own keyboard, this one's a little small"

"You can go faster?"

That moment when you make your code such that even dummies can understand it, implement smart ass algos, do all those comment line things for definitions. Then you show your project to your teacher who has this to say :
"Why are you showing me copied code?"
I am like

-During the brief moment stack overflow was down today-
Boss: “can you look up how to do this?
Me: “stack overflow is down”
Boss: “well shit I guess you can go home”

Stack Overflow users in a nutshell:

*8 months ago*

Noob: "How can I do this with Javascript?"
SO User: "You should use jQuery. Here's how to do this in jQuery."

*Now*

Noob: "How can I do this with jQuery?"
SO User: "jQuery is redundant now. Here's how you can do it with Javascript."

This week I started my internship at our local University.

Me: Can you give me access for the internet?
Boss: Well, do you have an antivirus software?
Me: I got Linux.
Boss: *nod of approval*
😂

Me: Can we do this with your module?

Creator: Yes

Me: How?

Creator: By adding the need values. Please see the docs. :)

Me: You have no documentation on this feature besides, "yes."

*Creator has closed ticket.*

Me : You should try this app, its great!
Friend: What is about?
Me : A place where programmers and developers tell jokes and complain to each other
Friend : But you can do that i real life too
Me : But now you don't have to leave your computer to do that

But Can you do this huh?

This is how I feel most of my client proposal start:

* It's simple, I'd like to re-invent <the wheel>.

* All I want to do is use <rocketship engine> on <old typewriter>.

* I'm too cheap to hire a full-time < DBA, DevOps engineer, development team>. Can I pay you pennies?

* I'm poor and broke, can you do this for free?

* I'd like to <commit illegal act> and be <legal compliant standard>.

* I heard it was possible to <fly 30 people to the moon> using <Ford Model-T>. Please do this for us.

* I <sold my house>, but now <I'm locked out by the new owners>. Please help.

Coworker: Can you create program for me?
Me: What this "program" going to do?
Coworker: Hack bank network and send me money. Can you make it for Android?
😆😆😆

Dear sir,

I'm NOT giving you the information you want because I can't verify you. You can tell me that we're the only company who does it like this and name all companies which do it differently, you can curse me into the ground or completely lose your shit at me but that won't make a difference:
I'm not giving you the information you want.

Sincerely,

Go fuck yourself.

I really wish I had known this before. Check this out guys. You can type a unix command and find out what each options mean. Rather than man paging the commands this is a easier way to do it :)

This is so fucking, fucking annoying.

Client (through ticket system): here's new nameservers my domain has to use, please enter them thank you!"
Me: you can easily do that yourself! *gives link to extremely fucking easy click-done tutorial*
Client: oh but I'm not technical, could you please do it anyways?

HAVE YOU EVEN FUCKING LOOKED AT THE LINK?!

THIS SHIT HAPPENS EVERY GODDAMN DAY.

HE:"Hey I improved my code"

ME:
*opens the file*
*Sees random static allocations*
*Code is as verbose as before*
*Down to 2600 lines from 2800ish*
*Still doesn't do shit properly*

"Uuuh what exactly did you do?"

*Starts noticing the lack of namespaces*

HE: "I used this using namespace std to write a bit less"

ME: "Can I pay you yoga lessons so you can taste your own cock and show your parents how good you are at it?"

Lead engineer: "Well, uh... I haven't really prepared a test for you but the HR insists that I should test you before wrapping up this interview.. so uh.... what do you suggest we should do now?"

Me: "Um... how about we walk through my latest project code and you can ask me to optimize it?"

Lead engineer: "Sounds cool, allright let's do that. How much time do you need?"

Welp. Did I just pick my own interview question?

That moment when you finished your first REST API 🎉

And you realise all it can do is useless ☹️

But then you realise, you can extend the functions easily with you new knowledge 🎊

Man, this emotional up an down is exhausting 😆

- We need an android app. Can you do this?
+ Never done that, but I can try.
- Do you even know Java?
+ Not really, but I'll learn fast!
- Any OOP experience?
+ Well...I know CPP.
- 😐

- Will you give me a prototype tonight?
+ Don't know. How about tomorrow?
- Ok.
...

+ *makes a prototype in couple of hours, becomes a Java developer*

Just like that.

boss: please look into tools that do X.

fullstackchris: Ah, here's a solution we can use!

boss: I don't want to use it because it is too complicated.

fullstackchris: ok, that's fine with me...

[one week later] boss: oh I found this nice site that does X, can we do X?

fullstackchris: YES, THAT'S EXACTLY THE SOLUTION I ALREADY FOUND, *AFTER* YOU ASKED ME TO LOOK FOR A SOLUTION, AND IN THE END YOU DIDN'T WANT TO DO IT. OH HAVE YOU CHANGED YOUR MIND?!?!

F*@#! *%*#

Client: "I need you to implement a feature which does x"
Me: "We can it do like this, I can do it in Y hours."
Client: "Perfect do it"

Me: "Here you go have a look and if you give your ok I'll implement it on production."
Client:"That is not what I need. I need Z"
Me: "Well then you should have said Z and not x. But I can do Z if you want me to."
Client:"Do it it is urgent!!!!111"

Me: "All done here you go."
Client: "That works like what I said what I need, but I meant more like xZ."
Me: "Ok, you know I have to charge you for all this, do you?"
Client: "What why? It isn't the feature I wanted!!11 Do it right and I'll pay you for the right one!"

Me: "It might not be what you wanted but it is exactly what you specified to me. I'll send you the bill and will not continue working for you. Good luck finding someone who is willing to do unpaid work for you."

I am so done with that kind of client.

me, sitting @ college, soldering together a charging cable

someone: oh wow you can do this stuff? i thought you were a computer scientist, not an engineer

me:...
me: yeah i need an engineering degree to wrap duct tape around cables

This happened right before lunch.

Me: hey, what languages do you know?
Classmate: i know python that's pretty much it. What abou...

Random fella: ...-yOU cAn TalK SnekK?!?!?!

Sister: (she must migrated from iOS to android) you can download these apps and then you can change like colors and themes and everything 😍😱😵
Me: Yeah off course you can...?
Sister: Oh not, oh no, you're not going to tell me you've been able to do this for years?!?
Me: Uhm... Yes...?
Sister: 😵😭😱😭

Not an apple hate rant, just found the convo funny!

!rant

A: "Hi, I'm A, I'm the CEO of X, we had this project I'd like you to do for me"
Me: "Hi, can I have more details about the project?"
A: "Ah yes, this is some kind of e-commerce for our start-up, we need you to do a web app, iOS, and Android app in 1 month"
Me: "OK we can do it in 2 month."
A: "OK we'll let you know our decision tomorrow"

(next month)
A: "Sorry we have to postpone this project"

(next 5 month)
A: "Hi! now I'm building this Y start-up and we need you to help us migrate our android app to web"
Me: (Looks feasible than his last project) "OK, I can do it"
A: "Can we meet tomorrow?"
Me: "OK"
(tomorrow)
Me: "Hello? where will we meet?"
Me: "?"

(next month)
A: "Hi! Sorry for not replying, can we meet this week for the Y project?"
Me: (...)

So, I saw this on Reddit, and I thought about sharing it here...

What do you think? It's somewhat accurate, or it can have some changes?

(The Chaotic Good made me chuckle 😂)

Backend internship interview

They: Can you reverse the given string without using pointers? (C++)
Me: Yeah, sure
*Then I start explaining how I am gonna approach the problem and such*
They: Ok, we understand that you can do it, now can you write a front-end that has a couple of routes. Also, these routes should have some sort of list views because we want you to print information **attention** that you are going to parse from Amazon inside those list views.

Me: *dumbfounded and trying to explain that am not a front-end developer*
They: But we still want you to do this.

I am officially my Manager's own personal google.

"What is the Wifi Password?"
"I can't print this, can you help?"
"How do I switch keyboard layout?"
"How do I turn on the computer?"
"How do I close the door of my office?"

Soon she's going to call me "Ok Google, <stupid question>"

Development is a team sport.

If you think you can do something better but your team doesn't understand it or can't work with them. You have two options: Teach them or don't do it.

This task seems easy but teach and tell are different things. Prepare to repeat things over and over again and give up your own time to share the knowledge.

Do you program? Then can you hack this Facebook account?

Client: I will send the design you just make it.
Me: uhh,..are you sure you can do it?
Client: ofcourse i can
*2 days later, sends this*

- Google: Can I track you? You'd get this and that and much more if you allow me to.
- Microsoft: I will track you. Disable half of my settings if you do not want to be tracked.
- FB: I do NOT track you

We hired a developer and he has very minimal experience. I feel most of our conversations end up going something like this.

New Guy: I'm not sure how to do this obvious task and I'm incapable of searching Google.

Me: Give me your hand so I can hold it and walk you through the process of copying and pasting code from stack overflow.

New Guy: Ok...give you my hand...right...how do I do that?

FML

38°C, sunday afternoon, client be like: "Omg, I need you, it's important, can you call me?"

*calls client*

"So I got this E-Mail that said my SEO could be improved alot, why didn't you do that"

*looks at auto generated spam mail, hangs up*

Me:, I built you this beautiful site it's super modular, it's really straight forward
Client: urm we aren't tech people if you could..... Set up all the pages for us using the modules so we can just input the data
Me: 😡 yes I could do that or you could take 5, minutes to learn this system. It's simple 😡 see that title there "left image right title module" . I've done the sample for the templates. So if you need to you can duplicate it! There's even a duplicate button!
Client: can you do it I don't want to waste time learning it right now since we are on a tight deadline

Me in head: fuck off you supreme bitch you try to get my mates dad fired! Now I've done you this huge favour getting you out of the shit 😡 and you won't take 5 minutes to just look at the admin section your old site was wix ffs.
My next move(not yet done): here is a word document it outlines what you need to do 😐

If after this see asks again I'm asking to work with someone else or quitting the project

So this guy is supposed to do the frontend.
I do the backend.
I offer an endpoint.
He does his HTML+CSS magic.
Me: Cool but data is hardcoded. Could you get the data from the endpoint I sent you?
Him: "I'd prefer you do that, I can make a git repo so you download the front."

... So you don't do frontend, you just write pretty layouts. And I have to actually write the frontend logic? Go f yourself.

My girlfriend always wanted to have kids while I don't want any, when she does eventually talk about having kids I'll make her this deal "I'll give you a kid if you can close this vim window with out googling how to do it"
It's fail proof

Mum: Is this the big data?

Father: Do you know anything about Bitcoin? Can you explain me what it is?

Manager: We are hiring a new graphic designer today. Can you get him settled in, please?
Me: Sure, I can do that.
Me: *shakes hand of new recruit.*
Me: I've heard great things about you.
Him: *starts going off on all his experience*
Me: that's great. Let's see what you got.

Several hours later...

Me: can I see what you got?
Him: just putting the last finishing touches on this logo.
Me: is that MSPaint!?
Him: yeah! It's good right?
Me: um...

Request: I don't like the way the page looks. Make it better.

Question: can you give me some more info? What is it that you dislike about the page? You approved the design, the mockup, the HTML version...and we just finished implementing the backend. Can you be more specific?

Response: make it more like this *gives link to completly new layout from a theme on themeforest*. Why does mine not look like this. Make it like this!

Reaction: *fuck this shit, never freelancing again...* Well, then do it yourself. I'm done!

// best feeling ever :)

I got laid off from my previous position as a Software Engineer at the end of June, and since then it was a struggle to find a new position. I have a good resume, about 4 years of professional dev experience and 5 years of experience in the tech industry all together, and great references.

As soon as I got laid off, I talked to my old manager at my previous company, and he said that he'd love to hire me back, but he just filled his last open spot.

In order to prepare, I had my resume reviewed by a specialist at the Department of Labor, and she said that it was one of the better resumes that she had seen.

There aren't a huge amount of dev jobs in my area, and I got a TON of recruiter emails. But they were all in other states, and I wasn't interested in moving.

I applied to all the remote and local positions I could find (the ones that I was qualified for,) and I just got a bunch of silence and denials from all my applications. I had a few interviews that went great, but of course, those companies decided to put the position on hold so they could use the budget for other things.

The silence and denials were really disconcerting, and make you think that something might be wrong with you or your interviewing abilities.

And then suddenly, as if the floodgates had opened, I started getting a ton of callbacks and interviews for both local and remote opportunities. I don't know if the end-of-year budget surpluses opened up more positions, but I was getting a lot of interest and it felt amazing.

Another dev position opened up at my previous company, and I got a great recommendation for that from my former manager and co-workers. I got a bunch of other interviews, and was moved onto the next rounds in most of them.

And finally, I got reached out to regarding a remote position I applied for a while ago, and the company was great about making the interview process quick and efficient. Within 2 weeks, I went from the screening call, to the tech call, and to the final call with the CTO. The CTO and I just hung out and talked about cars/boats/motorcycles for half the interview, and he was an awesome guy. AND THEN I GOT AN OFFER THE NEXT DAY!

The offer was originally for about the same amount as I made at my previous job, but I counteroffered up a good amount and they accepted my counteroffer!

It's a great company with offices all over the world, and they offer the option to travel to all those offices for visits if you want. So if you're working on a project with the France team and you think that it'd be easier to just work with them face-to-face, then the company will pay to fly you out to Paris for the week. Or you can work completely remotely. They don't mind either way.

I'm super excited to work with them and it feels great to be back in the job world.

Sorry about the long post, but I just wanted to tell my story and help encourage anybody out there who's going through the same thing right now.

Don't get discouraged, because you WILL find an awesome opportunity that's right for you. Get somebody to go over your resume and give you improvement recommendations. Brush up on your interviewing skills. Be sure to talk about all the projects you've worked on and how they positively impacted people and/or companies.

This is what I found interviewers responded the best to: Be sure to emphasize that you love learning new things and that you love passing along that knowledge to other people, and that your goal is to be an approachable and reliable source of knowledge for the company and to be as helpful as possible. It's important to be in a position that encourages both knowledge growth and knowledge sharing, and I think that companies really appreciate that mindset in a team member.

Moral of the story: YOU GOT THIS!

If a CPU were an employee...

CPU: Hey boss, I'm seeing you are giving me a lot of mathematical tasks that would really profit from splitting into parallel calculations. GPU's are great for that, we should get one.

Boss: But you can still do them, right? If you can do it, I'm pretty sure you can do it at GPU speeds. We gotta save up so I can buy another car!

----------------------

Boss: Why is this taking so long?

CPU: I'm overloaded with work, so I'm overheating. Maybe you could buy a GPU to help me out, or at least a fan...

Boss: You're overheating? Your personal problems should not affect your professional life. Learn to get your shit together or we will hire someone who will

CPU: *melts*

Alrighty then, so you can do this and it'll still work...

Like, I suppose technically speaking it makes sense....

Boss: "Can we create apps that are supercool, superfast, supercustomizable and superhitech?"
Me: "If you want apps like these I have to use this tool, this language and this other stuff. Just keep in mind that are new technologies for me and I need to study a lot before develop everything"
Boss: "Ok! can you do it for tomorrow?"
Me: "...."

"Can you do this?"
Sure, give me the information I need...

"We don't have all of it yet"
So I can't do it then

"Well when can you do it"
When you get the information

"Do you need *all* of it"
Well, it's either I do half a job and waste my time, or get it all done in one shot

"The client wants it tomorrow"
When will we have the information?
"We don't know"
Well they aren't having it tomorrow then, are they...

Sales people... don't care *how* things work, as long as they get a tick against their name to show they've sold something...

Me to my family :
Family: so this printer not working
Me: have you installed its software
Family: no, can you do it?
Me: i could travel 1 hour or you can just google and download it, its really quite simp--
Family: yeah this is to complicated for me il need you to come over

This years~
It’s a class that introduce an introduction to programming.
First weeks of the class.
T: “For those who already know this basic stuff , You can take a final test. If you pass, you get an ‘A’ and dont have to attend to this class for the rest of this term.”
Me: “Fuck yeah~ Let’s do this”
—

That moment that the need for a certain service rises and the domain name you want isn't available so you randomly think of another genius one which you can also do a fun 'joke' with and you start building an api around that idea.

This is gonna be fun 😆

I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU CAN DO THIS BUT NEVER TRIED IT

THIS IS MAGIC

GF's brother, Connel (a seaman), knows I work in IT

Connel: you hack computers, right?
Me: not really. I'm more of a developer for businesses
Connel: can you hack banks like [insert name of local bank]? We can hack other people's passwords and make tons of money *laughs hysterically*
Me: (a bit awkward) probably. it depends
Connel: but you can really do it, right?
Me: uhm, maybe. It depends
Connel: but you can do it if you choose to, right?

*this went over for next 5 mins*

A: Can you tell me your opinion about this? Please, be honest.
Me: Ok, I think you could do it in a different way, but let's talk about what you did and see how to make it better...
A: I don't think so, I think this is the best way to do it.
Me: Oh, OK.
A: Why are you always complaining about my job?
Me: Well, you just asked me, and I work on this too, so I thought...
A: I don't think you're collaborative enough with me!
Me [walking away]: Oh, OK...

him: *explains feature*
Can you do that?
me: No.
him: Okay, you'll do that.

spoiler: I did it. This actually happened like 3 times with the same dude.

User: Bobby, please update this quality controlled document because I screwed it up.

Me: No there is a process for a reason, multiple people need to sign off on this. Also, we talked about this exact issue a year ago that you did not fix.

User: But its a minor change, several hyperlinks in the Word document need adjusted.

Me: Ok, you do it and submit it through the process again.

User: Can you make the changes to the document? It will take me forever and I'm very busy. I know you can do it much quicker than I can.

Me: I really don't want to edit this document myself. It doesn't apply to my job at all and I cannot verify any of the changes would be correct.

User: Oh it's fine. Make the changes and I'll look over it.

...

I hate my job sometimes.

Dad: [this company] is coming to town soon.

Me: I know

Dad: yeah maybe you can get a IT job

Me: I dont do IT

Dad: You never know what you do until you do it.

Me: *getting an aneurism from sheer ignorance*

I DO IT EVERY DAY HOW WOULD I NOT KNOW WHAT IM DOING THAT I EVEN WENT TO SCHOOL FOR?

Dear devRant,

I know you will hate me if I do this, so please set me straight,

I have urges...

Urges to create my own, fucked up flavor of markdown....

and worse yet.....

to make it a JavaScript templating engine.................

and publish it to NPM......................

I know you can do it. You can stop me before I commit this atrocity.

That moment when the you actually think that this huge refactoring isn't worth it, but you do it anyway so you can live with yourself...
Code quality is love. Code quality is life.

— I heard you like programming and are quite good at it.
— Don't know about the latter but I do like it.
— Cool. Can you help me set up this Excel spreadsheet?
Actual conversation I had about two months ago...

Recruiter: You cought my attention because of your positive profile. And my client is looking for someone with your profile. Attachment: java_developer.pdf

Me: What exactly did you like about my profile? I can tell by the filename that the company is looking for java developers. Which is neither what I can do nor what I am willing to do.

Recruiter: This isn't clear by your profile, what do you want to do?

Me: Me profile has exactly two programming languages, JavaScript and Objective C.

You had one job! I can do better than this

While writing a Xamarin Forms app in C#.

Graphic designer: "Can you increase the letter spacing of this label by 1.5em?"

Me: "Uhhhh...."

Graphic designer: "I know you can do it, I've done it in CSS before"

Me: "...."

Watching some Talent-Show with my family. There is this 16-years old pretty good singing boy. My father looks at me and you can read from his face: "Why can't you do sth. like this ?"
The next day I show him some really good webapps and games I made and he just says "Well, I don't care until you make money with this."
...
...

Boss : Can you please make a page where I can add a magazine cover image, summary and source urls.

Me : Sure.
..
..
..
Me : here you go.

Boss : How do I upload multiple images in this page ?

After doing the work he requested as he wanted he was not happy. So i thought we sit and discuss what he didn't like. I was so wrong.

...
Boss: "...you know what I think you are: a fraud; Masquerading as a developer. The database design you have given is shit. The template I gave you I did in 1 hour. You took half the day."

He gave a simple template to use and he told me to come up with an ecommerce db design via downloading PrestaShop and seeing what is relevant to us.

Me: "what did I do wrong?"

Boss: "you think I don't know what PK means in database design? Why the fuck did you put this here."

Me: "can I expl..."

Boss: "I'm not finished, you been here half the month and what work have you to show for it..."

Me: "I have..."

Boss: "You shut up when I can speaking"

Me: "ok"

Boss: "You have no work to show for the time you have been here. I tell you what to do. I want someone who is proactive. My friend, you will do the work I tell you to do, you understand?"

Me: "yes but can I just say that I have been doing your work I have the contact the various developers as you..."

Boss: " You shut up when your boss is speaking. Can you do this work? (Slightly long pause)

Me: "I can do it. But, I have done the bits of the work you said I do. I was h..."

Boss "don't give me bullshit stories...you haven't done the work..."

Me: "But you have spoken"

Boss:" You know what Im giving you 1 weeks notice if you are not able to do the work. Can you do it?"

That moment!!! I was literally shaking I could have high fived his face with his laptop.

Me: "yes I can"
Boss: "Then get the fuck out of my sight and do it"

new !Rant();

Found this on Reddit and can relate to code. Show me what you have done and I'll see what I can do for you.

I like this one the most, it was a gift from a girl I had a unrequited crush with.

It was like: "hey I make stickers, you can have this one, but it's a little girly, do you mind?" and I was "(😍) of course I don't mind"

Friend: Can you write me a discord bot?
Me: Sure, I guess.
Me: *thinking* I can probably do it in 2 hours or less*
Me: *2 hours later* why does this API work like that and why the fuck is my node module folder so big???

???: Salesforce is simply the best. You can do anything you can dream of with it. It can solve all of your pro—

Dev: Sir, this is a Wendy’s.

User: The app is crashing! Fix this immediately. We can’t do our jobs without it!!

Dev: Patch applied, can you confirm it is now working on your end?

User: EXCUSE ME?! THAT IS NOT OUR RESPONSIBILITY! WE ARE WAY TOO BUSY, ASK SOME OTHER DEPARTMENT TO DO THAT OR DO IT YOURSELF!

Dev: …

Front end dev be like:
Me:
This is greatest design concept ever!
Why isn't it working? It was working yesterday.
This is the stupidest design concept ever.
It works! It works! The client is going to love this as much as I do. It's exactly what they asked for!

Client:
Actually, can you do something completely different?

So, the other day a friend of mine called me. It's been years that I haven't talked to this girl. She says "can you do me a favour?". I asked "what?". To which she replies "My Facebook account has been hacked. Can you do something and destroy the guys pc? Don't let him create any other account or even let him use the internet. Ban him from the internet or do something.
And I was like

Just came across this quote...

"The worst thing you can do for your organization is prove how smart you are."

Liked it and thought I'd share it to all the devs out there.

I don't get all this hate for windows, it works great, you can do everything on it and who wants to "customize" his os is just ranting uselessly...
I'm using windows to write this message and I'm not having any prob...

Real fact: 1999

IT: IT, how can I help?
MrB: I'm Butcheek. This program is shit, I can't even log-in!
IT: oh.. Ok Mr. Butcheek, let’s see if I can help...
MrB: of course you can: fix this shitty program and made me log in!
IT: I’ll try to do my best to assist you, can you...
MrB: I just want to log in! Can you speak my language? This new program is ridiculous, I wonder why you IT guys changed the old one, it was a mess but at least I could log in...
IT: I'm sorry you are experiencing this problem, but to assist you I need to know exactly what's the problem
MrB: I CANT LOG IN!!!
IT: ok, I understand this, but can you please provide some more information? Do you receive any particular error messages?
MrB: it says “wrong password” but it's not true!
IT: Ok, that's strange. Look, I'm resetting your password and then you will try again. At the first log in you will be asked to change it again, ok?
MrB: just be quick, I can't waste any more time on this!
IT: sure... Ok done. Please, can you try again? The password is “butcheek”
MrB: it asks for the username. What am I supposed to write here?
IT: “butcheek”
MrB: oh... Ok. And what's the password?
IT: “butcheek”
MrB:... No... Wait... Ok, “butcheek” is the password but what's the username?
IT: “butcheek”!
MrB: you don't understand, I have to put both username AND password!
IT: I know! “butcheek”! For both username AND password!
MrB: so I have to write “butcheek”-”butcheek”?
IT: yes, “butcheek”-”butcheek”!
MrB: so... “butcheek”...twice? Sounds weird... are you sure?
IT: yes I'm sure! However, you can choose either to write “butcheek” twice or “ASS” once, if you prefer...

Dear fellow mate,

I can't reject your request to leave. You have your right to request casual/medical or any suitable form of leave. It's up to the HR to do their calculation and process your leaves.

All I can do is tell you the overview of our team's tasks status. And status of tasks assigned to you. Then tasks status of possible colleagues who can cover your position.

The reason I shared those with you is that you act like you have no knowledge about them.

That's all I have for you. Decide on your own what to do. But consider with this new information.

Regards,
Cursee

Interview:
Candidate claims being seasoned "senior".

Him: i don't know how the solve this
Me: you have to use binary search
Him: ahhaaa
Me: do you know binary search?
Him: yes
Me: can you please explain binary search?
Him: eghm, hmm, sorry I can't

Them: "What can we do to fix this?"

Me: Contact the vendor

Them: Ok, but from our side?

Me: Wait for the vendor to reply

Them: And what can we do to prevent this from happening again?

Me: get better vendors, include I.T on the process when the org decides to purchase shitty third party software.

Them: Ok but besides that?

Me: Drink?

Seriously tho, tf you expect me to do?

My boss: "We need this feature by Friday"
Me: "I can make it work, but I need more time to do it properly"
Boss: "Just fix it by Friday, and you can make a proper implementation later, when there is time"

Like there will ever be time once it works...

Published a new blog article last weekend (finally) and had the idea to make a privacy/security Q&A one this weekend.

I'd make an email address for it to which you can email (a) question(s).

What do you people think?

FUCK

Have you ever worked with people that constantly asks you what to do? People who are in the same spot as you, I mean.

- Hey, you should start debugging this while I finish this menu
+ So what's failing?
- I don't know man, but there's a bug
+ But where?
- You should look for it, I'm trying to link this to the controller
+ How can you not know?
- Do you know?
+ Where should I look for it? Here?
- ...
(One crappy solution after) + Here it is, I'm moving to something else
- ...

Client send email ... (15 seconds pass) ... client sends IM/Slack ... (15 seconds pass) ... client calls.

Me: Yes?
Client: Did you get my email asking how the project is coming along? Also, can you do this <totally unrelated> thing that will sidetrack you for 2 hours?

Our story start like this.

Boss: Hey programmer A, Can you implement {feature X} on this application?

Programmer A: I suggest not implement {feature X} because {negative impact of feature X}

Boss: Ok

Boss asks Programmer B.

Boss: Hey programmer B, Can you implement {feature X} on this application?

Programmer B: Of course, no problem

Programmer B asks Programmer A.

Programmer B: Hey Programmer A, Do you know how to implement {feature X} on this application? I have no idea.

Programmer A: WHAT!!! do you know that {feature X}, Will negatively impact our application?

Programmer B: Well that's our boss want, I can't say no.

Programmer A: (F**k I hate this guy)

Intern: "Hey Awlex, this function I'm using doesn't work. Can you help me?"
Me: "This function doesn't do what you are expecting. Did you even look at the docs for this function?"
Intern: "No."
Me: "... then start with that"

Client:
We want you to use the code you used 3 years ago to deliver a similar feature for a different company and then it means we can do this properly because you can just copy and paste it for our needs.. we can pay you a few dollars but we really know what we need so the cost should be very small.

Me:
What the fuck.

Boss: "i need you to build a feature so that customers can do bla bla bla and it has to be done by friday.

Dev: "Ok i can do it fast if you sure this is what you want, and requirements wont change in the future. Have you considered bla bla"

Boss: "Yes do it"

Dev: *writes, tests and deploys code*

A few weeks later:

Boss: "we need to add bla bla to the feature you built since some requirements has changed."

Here in Philippines, you can basically do whatever you want if you're a corrupt politician.

This is an example of a peak human (or politician, whatever you want to call it) displaying dominance by discussing about VueJS while having 0% experience on the technology.

Helped this guy with one part of his project. Now i wake up everyday to can you do this for me requests.

Marketing : Do you think we can implement this feature in a system?

Dev : Hmm....*checking specs*...This will...

Marketing : *interrupts* we have already signed a contract with a client.

Dev : ugh......

A client of mine wanted me to use a specific picture as a background image on one of his graphics. This is how the conversation went:
C: Can you use this as the background?
Me: Where did you get this image exactly?
C: I got it off Google Images.
Me: you can't do that, you need licensing for the image
C: Well I just licensed it. Screw them.
Me: ...That's not how that works..

I've been taking a bunch of boot camp 'entry' type tests to do some research for the school I'm building - and these things are strange. To qualify, some of them want to make sure you can do basic algebra and others want you to be very comfortable with higher-order JS function type stuff - and then you get questions like this : /

In C# you are not able to do bitwise operations on generic enums so you have to cast them to an integer via object... 😐 Apart from that, this awesome code shows what C# can do 😊

GF: How was your pitch to investors?
Me: it was great (... went-ahead to talk about the daunting process of the preparation and motivation).
GF: Why do you go through all this process, when you can become a fraudster, you can use voodoo and make it even easier, in less than 3 months you can buy a duplex, nice car and we can go shopping... you don't need to do any human ritual unlike before - I heard you can even meet a chief priest to make it faster for you.
just get the bag abeg (slang for getting rich quick).

Me: Fuck the day I met you, not everyone wants to be a low-life, and fuck out from my life.

Men if you live in a saner society, or you are born to elite/upper-middle-class you don't how lucky you are.
Most times I wonder how I keep my sanity with all these shitty people around. like messed up society where almost everyone is a fucking deep hypocrite
.I know I need to change my circle but how the fuck do I do that when I am surrounded by fuckstards, which are far worst than Gypsies.
lowlifes with low dreams.
I need to get the fuck out of this place!

>teacher: you need to enable your webcam so i can tell you aren't cheating
>me: sorry but i'm on a desktop pc, i don't have a webcam
>t: what do you mean? every computer i've seen has a webcam!
how do i explain this to him?
(for context he's like 60)

“Hey what’s this issue? Can you tell me what’s going on?”
“Yeah sure, what is it?”
[login page alert displaying “your email or password is incorrect, please try again.”]

How do people like this live? How do they not forget how to breathe or eat?

What a lazy fuck.

This so called full-stack developer doesn't know how to use mysql from command line. The only way he can do anything in the database is using phpMyAdmin or MySQL gui.

What? How do you even call yourself a developer when you don't know how to use basic command line tools?

The fucker wants me to find out why a particular feature is not working?

Why the fuck are you being paid for? You stupid idiot.

"Can you please grep ... in the server?"

What? Why would I do that for you? How about you ssh the server yourself?

What a waste of time.

"Can you zoom in to this teeny tiny spot on this photo and sharpen it like how they do it in CSI?"
OR
"You can uncensor this, yeah?"

Yeah let me poop out the winning lottery numbers while I poop out nonexistent pixels for you.

What happens if you break your hand/arm/wrist and it requires an arm sling (picture attached)? Can you still work or what? I'm assuming it varies from company to company or something. Do you have anything in place for preparation for this event?

Don't you just hate when your boss goes like:
"Why isn't this feature working?"

SHIT FUCK, IF I KNEW THE REASON, MAYBE I WOULD HAVE FIXED THAT SHIT, INNIT?

WHAT KIND OF FUCKING QUESTION IS THAT?

"Well you should have tested better"

IT TOOK A MONTH FOR 1 USER TO SEE THAT BUG, WHAT DO YOU EXPECT? YOU EXPECT ME TO SEE THAT BUG IN THE FEW HOURS OF TESTING I CAN ACTUALLY DO FOR THIS PROJECT?

"There also are other 15 project to get done"

FUCK THIS SHIT

So VS Code, you're using ~60% of my CPU and I've let you do that for around 1/2 hour now. Why do you do this? I know your brother can do this as well, but he does have some valid reasons unlike yourself. You're just a glorified notepad with some extensions.

Non-technical manager who been managing my team for years: "hey can you take a look at this log?"

*log is all PHP*

Us: "we're iOS devs, none of us know PHP"

Manager: "well why not?"

HOW DO YOU GET PAID MORE THAN US

My friend told everyone in my school class that i programm...
And now they are asking, can you do this and that and what for specifications should my PC have to run this game...

help

This is what I love about fellow devs - they know what's best, you don't need to ask something like "please keep adding xyz to your post so we can see if it...". We just do it. :3

Manager: yo I need a time line for this shit.
Me: I don't know how long it takes.
Manager: tell me how long it takes.
Me: I can tell you what can be done in next couple hours. I don't even know what will happen tomorrow.
Manger: now tell me this time shit.
Me: .......

Seriously, dear fellow ranter. How do you estimate timeline? Your timeline is changing.

-Are you programmer?
-maybe?
-can you do something for me?
-can I?
-I need you to hack this Face..
-Not again...

I love getting a fucking email for every fucking change, instead of getting a list of desired changes.

You know what? Fuck this, I'm tired of being the nice guy, I'm not even getting paid for this, and you expect me to do it expediently on a Sunday. I'm done, you can find someone else to piss off for free.

"Microsoft team foundation" is my current motivation for keeping me wake up in the morning. This is just a small part in their header menu. You can do better than this!

Me: Can you tell me how to do X?
ChatGPT: yes, you can do xwz!
Me: I researched your suggestion and every source I find mentions that you should not do it because it would mess with the UI thread, amongst other side effects.
ChatGPT: Yes, you should not do xwz.

I’m kinda liking this thing, it’s full of noob traps.

Helping this lady with her Microsoft Access work. Wrote some complex Visual Basic script to make the database look pretty. This is what she is asking:

"Hey, where did you get all this code from? YouTube? Can you please send me the link?"

ffs I'm a dev, why the fuck do you think I need YouTube for this simple VBA script.

Bill Gates: I will always choose a lazy person to do a difficult job. Because he will find a easy way to do it.

Me: Hello, is this Microsoft. I'm the laziest person you can find on planet earth. Hire me.

PROGRAMMING AS AN INTELLECTUAL ACTIVITY IS THE ONLY ART FORM THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CREATE INTERACTIVE ART. 🎨
YOU CAN CREATE PROJECTS THAT OTHER PEOPLE CAN PLAY WITH, AND YOU CAN TALK TO THEM INDIRECTLY. 💬
NO OTHER ART FORM IS QUITE THIS INTERACTIVE. 💕
MOVIES FLOW TO THE AUDIENCE IN ONE DIRECTION. ⏩
PAINTINGS DO NOT MOVE.🖼
CODE GOES BOTH WAYS. ↔

- ZED SHAW

did you know, that in PHP, you can do:
if ( ! function_exists('function_name'))
{
function function_name()
{
//code of the function
}
}

which apparently means you can do
if($var == 'something'){
function functionName(){
//some code
}
} else if($var == 'something else'){
function functionName(){
//some completely different code
}
}

so now, apparently:
1. before this code executes, the function doesn't exist at all (okay, i can live with that)

2. after this code executes, any call to that function can result in any of those two completely different bodies of the same-name function executing, depending on what the $var was set at that time?

...so... now not only the same call to the same(name) function can do two completely different things, *but if you change the value of $var afterwards, you can't even properly find out which version of that function is in effect for the remainder of the run of the script*...?????

WHAT.
THE.
...i mean... I can't help but think that the idea of conditional function declaration like this is... kind of cool (have I been warped by JavaScript too much?), but at the same time... WHAT THE FUCK.

Email from Client:
Hi, we'd like this and that done to our website. I know you aren't finished building it yet but I believe we can change what we agreed upon.

Me:
Let me see what I can do, I'll try squeeze in some of those changes but the bigger ones I'll have to check with the boss.

Boss:
Yes, we can do those changes at an additional cost, quote them $1000 (example)

Me to client:
Hi there, yes we can do that but we have to charge $1000 for those additional changes that weren't initially agreed upon, and we'll need an extra week on the deadline.

Client:
Oh no no no... I know how this works. If I wanted to do this myself I would. You will do the work and get it finished in time, and I will only pay you $200 for it. I don't like being scolded for money.

Me and Boss: Yeah.... this isn't working out. Please find a new company to deal with.

Conclusion, this client was always giving us problems and telling us how we should be charging and how we should be doing our jobs. It was so satisfying to just them let go.

Boss be like..

Boss: Hey can make this for me?

Dev: Sure, when do you need it?

Boss: Yesterday

*facepalm*

I find it hilarious the total misconception of hacking that the general public has. I tell people I know cyber security (Not as much as a lot of people around here) but it is a hobby of mine and I find it very useful/interesting.

But I can't stop but laugh when someone is like, can you get all the text messages my bf receives?

Can you hack this for me can you back that?

C'mon even if I knew how to do that without being caught you think I would even admit that to you. Do hackers just walk around with an index card pasted to their forehead of their skill? It's not even slightly reasonable to think this lol even for someone who doesn't know about the field

>import ENi18n
>import ZHi18n

en = {…ENi18n, moreStuff}
zh = {…ZHi18n, moreStuffZH}
pt = {…ZHi18n, moreStuffPT}

“Hey man can you fix this? Seems like we are missing the Portuguese i18n. Check this file please (path)”
“I’m sorry I don’t understand, can you call me and explain?”

Why do I need to explain this? What is difficult to grasp here? How can it take more than 20 seconds to know what to do here? It’s not even a file I made, you made it and I just ran into it!

Fuck man, I’m going to blow my brains out.

Do you guys often get upset because of people that ask your job because when somebody asks me what I do for a living and I say "I'm a programmer" this someone says one of these:

1- Oh really, can you tell me HoW tO HaCk NaSa? (It's more often than you think)

2- WOW AWESOME SO I HAVE THIS BiLlIon DolLarS ApP IdeA CaN yOu ProGraM iT?

3- Hm... and... what do you do for a living? (Apparently programming is not a job)

4- Cool! Me too! Bcs once I MaDe ThiS GaMe I prOGraMmed WiTh GaMeMaKer (true story, and it was a flappy bird, but in the place of the bird it was chuck norris with a moustache instead.)(with lasers.)(Also it wasn't really working.)

5- Cool bro, so, can you take a look at my printer?

6- Hm nice * looks away with disgusting face * (that was my own family lol ;-;)

What can you do with people using so many times git force push ...

* explain gently this is not necessary
* punch him/her everytime you see it
* other stuff that is not in the above list

Boss: Hey, we have a meeting in 10 minutes.. Get prepared for it.. (Though they told me about this 100 years ago)
Me: What!! How can I do that?
Boss: You are an engineer.. You must be used to with last minute preparations..
Me: 😕
==========================

*meeting on Monday*
Client: so I've got this project I want you to do, it's simple right?
Me: seems so
Client: so I'll pay you this much because it's so simple
Me: uhhhhhhhh
Underpaying client: I also told my higher ups that you'd be done by Friday you can do that yeah
Me: ..................

When my manager says you can do this whole project in 14 days its very easy,

meanwhile project and me

The president and manager where I work always say: "We have to defy the status quo". But when I say "we don't need to do that in this way, we can do it this way which is more efficient". Then they say, "We can't because we have to do everything in the same way". You are just making yourself look stupid.

!rant

To those of you who don't know about this, if you have a Microsoft account, you can sign up for Visual Studio Dev Essentials with it. Doing that gives you 3 months free access to Pluralsights, which is a really nice website to learn new stuff. Do check it out.

Anyone else have this, seems like you can do double the work in late night pm/am than in day am/pm..

And I'm starting my internship next week.. gotta be a morning person now :/

"I hope we can soon finish X to do Y", you might think this is the more polite way of asking "are we there yet?", but you're wrong and you're getting blocked for the next 4 days

Co-worker: I'm so tired of working on Wordpress sites! I didn't go to school just to do this all day!
Me: well you can help me with this Magento site...
Co-worker: ...

I can’t even wait for my copy of Leviathan Falls to arrive. I’m so tempted to read the All Spoilers thread on Reddit. Aaaaaaaaaaaaa! C’mon... you can do this. Just a couple more days.

I made a README.md to a bitbucket repo that when a new dev comes in, he/she can refer to the documentation.

After a few hours....

"how do you run this application" 😩

I do not understand how you can be dependent on coffee. I never drank one in my entire life, but i pulled off two 28+ days this week.

F*ck my sleep schedule...

Developer: we are going o have to do it this way because it's the only way I can get it to work.

Other developer: what are you on about that's a easy thing to do you should not be doing it that way you idiot are you thick or something! do it this way the correct blah blah way, "let me show you moron (says out loud to everyone in the office) to show how superior and awesome they are"......

Two hours later, "yes we will have to do it your way in the end, my way doesn't work"

I fucking told you that 2 hours ago. Some people just don't believe lol #timewasted

When you are developing your game and you realise that there exist a game on the same platform which can do this. 😂

Do you think you can start all your weekdays' 730am to 9am with continuous honk noises every 5 to 10 minutes interval?

If you think you can, please teach me how to survive that shit. This much craps on daily (and especially as the start of the day) is definitely killing my mind and productivity for the rest of the day.

Person: Let's rub this lamp

* Genie comes out of the lamp *
Genie: You have three wishes. You know the rules. What do you want?

Person: Can you open this jar? It's so tight

Genie: What? That's it? That's a wish? Someone call an ambulance, I'm having a heart attack

PS: Now replace the Genie character with me and replace the person character with my manager. This is the kind of work I do at work and what my manager and leadership team asks of me

*Nervous student comes in for the first interview I am conducting as a developer*

Me (as an interviewer): What is best approach to search data?

Student: It will take linear time but if data is sorted, we can do it in logarithmic time.

Me: [Smiles] Take a hint Hash Map?

Student: Yes, with it, we can do it in constant time.

Me: Okay, Bloom Filter anytime?

Student: *sweating* noooo...

Me: Okay. I am a developer so I know this.

Student: *about to cry*

Me: No problem but why will you search data when there is no problem? Don't you have better work.

Student: *confused* yup

Me: *laughs but immediately controls* Take it lightly. You know what you need to do this job. You are HIRED. :)

Definitely 'ditto' this is one of the best tool for every programmer.

It's a multi clipboard-history where you can store more then one item. You never need to think: 'what's last thing in my clipboard. Do I still need it?'

"Can we do X?"
Yes, we can do almost anything you want.
"Can we have it ready by last month?"
No.
"What about 2 weeks ago?"
Not feasible.
"Yesterday?"
Sorry I don't think we can.

For real though, how do you deal with unrealistic delivery expectations? I'm not sure if I'm supposed to keep saying no to everything, or if they keep asking in hopes that maybe this time it'll be ok.

You know those ‘Pumped up’ days where you can just do anything? How do we make this an everyday thing? 🤔

Recently at school...
We got new projectors in every classroom. My teacher asked me if you can turn the projector. It's worth mentioning that the projectors are installed under the ceiling (hopefully this sentence is correct). WHO DO YOU THINK I AM? THE ALMIGHTY GOD OF PROJECTORS?
IDK if this is funny but I thought I share it with you.

"Here's the sprint, it's well defined. fullstackchris, can you do this in two weeks?"

"Hmmm... nice work, looks well defined. It'll be tough, but sure, I can do it two weeks!"

Two days before sprint ends:

"Can we quickly duplicate n number of features from apps with literal armies of devs like whatsapp, airbnb, and Instagram?!?!?! We NEED these features to be polished and work perfectly!"

Scope creep will be my ONLY feedback in this retro.

Due to coronovirus, my work asked everyone to login for 30mins (in a 2hr window) to test test max load/capacity...

1. how do you test max load if people can login at different times...

2. Isn't there software that can test that.... Isn't this load testing?

You know you're in for a fun time when you open code you wrote the previous night and a comment starts with "Fuck this, it works, sober me can deal with it"

Why do I do this to myself .-.

"I have this idea which brings me and you a lot of money. But i can't pay you yet, you have to work for free. And no, the idea isn't already coded there is nothing like it. If you can code it, i will give you 1000$ if it's released."

Yeah, well, no. If i've anything learned in may short career of coding professionally: Do nothing for free. If it's a good idea and you can stand behind it, do it with a contract which guarantees you at least a basic salary.

Sorry for my bad english. Not native

Why use an Accept header when you can do this, right?

randomapi.com/random/resource/json
randomapi.com/random/resource/xml

🤦‍♂️

I'm already feeling it, I'm gonna have a great time with this API

Do you think a dual core laptop with 2gb RAM on it can run Ubuntu and Kali Linux? The solely purpose is for programming (ubuntu) and ethical hacking / penetration testing (linux) ?

tbh, I’m learning linux because I want to try a new OS. Any tips so that I can easily adapt to this OS?

PS. I know this is a googleable question but I just want a perspective from this community.

Rant!
Others: hey, can you do this?... //details scrapped
Me: (after thinking a while) yes.
Others: Perfect! Can it be done like 2 days ago?
My mental image: throws my laptop to he/her face while shouting if it's so easy you should fucking do it!

Does anyone else here have coding-fatigue?
Like if someone gives me a problem (BIG or small), I can chalk out an architecture or "oh you can use this-n-this-n-this"

But if you ask me to code it, though it's easy as fuck, I dont want to and will drag it until I gush 2 coffees to force myself to do it.
You give me a junior dev who knows NOTHING and does the typing and I can guide him and make him do it all, but by myself? nah

PS: this only applies to work-code that isnt "fun" per-se. My own projects? no issues at all

Q: can you do this awsome project?
A: of course, i would love to develop this shit.
Q: ok, then lets get started. btw please do this in wordpress.
A: bye

Toxic relationships are the worst thing that can happen to anyone. While some of them you can get out of or avoid. You can't do much about the ones you're born into.

Such people have their egos up their butt. They just don't realise that they're just a tiny dust particle in the entirety of cosmos. They not only make things difficult for others by their presence, but often go out of their way to do that.

Fuck this!

Here's your first project, you need to fix bugs in IE you can do that on this MacBook. :/
Ummm..

"I know you're a front end developer but can you do this database shit?"

Okay so I just went from getting no feedback on job applications to having more appointments than I can manage.... You'd think this is a good thing but how do you do this with or raising suspicion... Guess it means I did something right in all my hard work and late nights....

Installing a software on Linux can be such a pain sometimes....
This software needs a dependency, which needs another, which in turn needs another......

I mean if you already know you need it, go install it yourself. Why do I need to do everything manually?

And no. A simple apt get install won't work. You need a third party dependency which adds the package to the repository and some other stuff before you can do anything.

Why? Just why?

Client: I need you to clean up the database and remove all rows [with children] with a timestamp older than 5 years

Team: OK

Team [internally]: we definitely need a dba for this
Me: dba? Why? A junior dev can do that
Team: yyeeaahh, but still.. A DBA would do it better. You know, foreign keys and everything

Me: ....

Them: let's do iterative pull requests
Me: Great, can I have a review
Them: Your code touches a code that doesn't feel right, I can not approve this folly unless you fix following 30.000 lines:

Client: I need you to integrate with this API.

Me: ok cool, but what are we doing with it (where does the data go/styling)?

Client: what do think we should do?

Me: well it would be really cool if we did it like this *short and sweet explanation of really cool functionality and design*

Client: I LOVE IT! Let's do it, oh also I need it done by tomorrow...

Me: *GOD DAMNIT, why do you always do this...don't you dare say ok* ok, yeah I can totally do that.

...now at the market stocking up on redbull

Do you get informed about the reasons behind business decisions in your job?

That wasn't the case in my last job and I dreaded my code for that reason.

I think this kind of lack of information can lead to bad engineering decisions and unstructured code. Also, this doesn't lead to the needed ownership of your work.

What do you think?

Cookies... They are a mess. (To roughly translate what happened here) the text states: you diss-alowed cookies but to view our video you must accept them. (So far so good) If you want to watch the video, you can do that if you allow them. (Still good) to do this, remove your cookies (wait wat) and hit refresh. So... I did not allow cookies, and you set a cookie to not set cookies????

Got the newest update for Emojis and I was scrolling through them, and what do you know? This one popped up. All I can think of was "Devrant did it first"

> be me
> wake up 8:30 am
> sort and view notifications one by one.
> Manager sends text * can you do this? *
> * yes I can *
> goes back to notifications *so where was I? Ah this email.*
> *Please get it done by the end of the day*, another text by the manager.
> I ignore that.
> Manager spams me till I reply
> I hate my life

Can your iPhone do this...
Take a screenshot of you trying to save your own screenshot and then save its own screenshot in place of your screenshot.

Timesheets were made so that managers can be little dickbags and make a big fuss over the half an hour doing something that someone else asked you to do, instead of something they wanted you to do.

Its also a good way to force employees to become their own managers when you arn't giving them work, so you can have more time to sip tea while they scramble to find out how the fuck they will get their hours for this week with no direction being given

Today I’ve done nothing related to software development or coding.

You can do it too!

This will be my LinkedIn post, of course with a selfie in gym gear✌🏻

If you see my post scrolling, come on bring them thousands of likes😬

Team lead: guys, we need to brainstorm on feature X. We can have this service do blah blah..., have a cache at blah blah...

Me: I think it's too complicated. We can simplify the design by doing blah blah... and measure the performance as we go, let's not do premature optimization.

Team lead: no, we definitely need this. We'll pitch this to the CTO later

*Later when we meet the CTO*
Team lead: Hi Mr CTO, about feature X, we're gonna do this blah blah... what do you think?

CTO: *basically repeats what I said*

Team lead: Thank you for the insights, really helpful. We will do as you suggest.

WHAT THE FUCK?

- can you help with this Angular thing?
- sorry, I'm no front-end guy
- oh, thought you do node.js, no?
- *Facepalm*

marquetting department: i need a new for on the website its urgent drop everithing else
dev: sure can you give me the text and the fields that should be on the form?
....1 week later
dev: do you havr the info
marketing: can you have ot online today
dev: yes just get me that content
1week later
.... you know where im going with this

I just can keep the gdpr memes and rants coming, this is getting out of hand, a fucking contact form needs a checkbox, that you fucking obviously "store" it, by sending a fucking email, are you absolutely out of your mind, what do you expect I do, just /dev/null route your shit? maybe I should, shitheads.

senior "don't do it like this, there are alternatives"

doesn't mention the alternatives

thanks? i can look into implementing it how you want if you'd elaborate the alternatives....

I AM ABOUT TO KICK SOME PROFESSORS ASSES!!!!!!!!!!
THOSE MOTHERFUCKERS ARE MAKING GO MAD BEYOND MY BOUNDS WITH THERE MOTHERFUCKING STUPIDITY AND SELF RIGHTEOUSNESS.

LISTEN YOU FUCKS I WORK AS A PROGRAMMER TO PAY FOR MY FUCKING TUITION. NO IT IS NOT A PART-TIME JOB. I FUCK UP MY SCHEDULE SO I CAN CAME HERE TO THIS SHIT LEARNING SOMETHING BECAUSE YOU FUCKERS DO NOT HAVE A LECTURE AFTER HOURS.

SO WE I SAID THAT I CAN ONLY CAME TO THIS CLASS AT THIS TIME AND DAY OF THE WEEK I AM NOT BULLSHITING YOU.

SO DO US A FAVOR AND STOP BEING SO FUCKING STUPID AND GIVING ME THAT CYNICAL SMILE YOU PIECE OF SHIT.

FUCK YOU FUCKER AND YOUR PIECE OF SHIT CLASS.

Now I didn't do this myself, but I've heard from a senior developer that you can modify C's if statement to require an ADDITIONAL 99% chance, making the code fail 1% of the time with no explanation.

Is it normal to be frustrated when you can't solve the bug for a day and all you can do is update on what you've tried solutions?
3 months in this company

"Cortana can do so many things..."

buT CAn yOu rEmOVe AlL a(i)DS from thIs "OS", inCLuDinG yOursElF?

...

Thought so. Still fucking useless trash

How about a Git for Databases?
Do your changes, delete things, create things, and then when you are sure push these changes to your server.
If you did something wrong like accidentally delete fucking everything, just revert and everything is like before again.
Also you can view history and blame people for doing something wrong.

Tell me what you think about this. Not clue how you could implement this tho... Also I have enough to do already so feel free to take this idea!

"I want you do this *extremely vaguely described task* for our next project. Can you think for less than 30 seconds and give me an estimate?"