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Some empty-headed helpdesk girl skipped into our office yesterday afternoon, despite the big scary warning signs glued to the door.
"Hey, when I log in on my phone, the menu is looking weird"
"Uh... look at my beard"
"What"
"Just look at this beard!"
"Uh.... OK"
"Does this look like a perfectly groomed beard"
"Uh... it's pretty nice I guess"
"You don't have to lie"
She looks puzzled: "OK... maybe it could use a little trimming. Uh... a lot of trimming". "I still like it though" she adds, trying hard to be polite.
"I understand you just started working here. But the beard... the beard should make it clear. See the office opposite to this one?"
"Yeah"
"Perfectly groomed ginger beards. It's all stylish shawls and smiles and spinach smoothies. Those people are known as frontend developers, they care about pixels and menus. Now look at my beard. It is dark and wild, it has some gray stress hairs, and if you take a deep breath it smells like dust and cognac mixed with the tears caused by failed deploys. Nothing personal, but I don't give a fuck what a menu looks like on your phone."
She looked around, and noticed the other 2 tired looking guys with unshaven hobo chins. To her credit, she pointed at the woman in the corner: "What about her, she doesn't seem to have a beard"
Yulia, 1.9m long muscled database admin from Ukraine, lets out a heavy sigh. "I do not know you well enough yet to show you where I grow my unkempt graying hairs... . Now get lost divchyna."
Helpdesk girl leaves the scene.
Joanna, machine learning dev, walks in: "I saw a confused blonde lost in the hallway, did you give her the beard speech?"
"Yeah" -- couldn't hold back a giggle -- "haha now she'll come to you"
Joanna: "No I already took care of it"
"How?"
"She started about some stupid menu, so I just told her to smell my cup". Joanna, functional alcoholic, is holding her 4pm Irish coffee. "I think this living up to our stereotype tactic is working, because the girl laughed and nodded like she understood, and ran off to the design department"
Me: "I do miss shaving though"68 -
Cortana, please open Firefox.
>okay, anon
Cortana, type in browser "Cortana rule 34"
>O....Okay sure anon
Cortana, open that first link.
>...This link is...uh...Not safe for...
OPEN IT.
>y-yes, anon
Cortana, download every image you see and save it in a folder called "I am a dirty girl"
>why,anon? Why are you ....
Don't make me install gentoo
>Saving files
Who's a dirty little girl ?
>I.....I am anon30 -
Uncle: "It must be noisy, programming. I've seen a datacenter on TV, and those computers are loud" — "It is noisy, but that's more my coworkers fault"
Sales guy at the office: "So you see patterns in the code, you can read this cryptic mess?" — "Uh this is PHP, Its not the syntax that makes it hard to read, it's the dimwit who wrote it"
Father-in-law: "Could you reprogram my laptop, I got a virus trying to download por... nature documentaries" — "I'm not that kind of doctor"
Mother-in-law: "How will you sustain a family, you just play video games all day" — "I make your monthly teachers salary in four days"
Girlfriend: "I learned some Lua today because I needed a world of warcraft extension for..." — "I love you too"22 -
Meeting with asshole partner company CEO at restaurant.
Me: "I'm a bit worried about the bugs in your API. There are some ways to retrieve privacy sensitive info from public endpoints"
CEO: "Well, we're a rapidly growing startup!"
Me: "Uh... so?"
CEO: "So... Move Fast and Break Things! Priority is to improve our API further, and we'll fix bugs as they show up"
Me: "Maybe you should stop trying to emulate Zuckerberg in your management style. You know that even Facebook themselves admitted that their slogan was a retarded mistake"
Waiter shows up at table. CEO orders some overly expensive fish salad.
CEO: "Well, they have done something right... they're worth billions"
Waiter asks me: "And you sir, have you made your choice?"
Me: "Do you serve popcorn?"
CEO: "Popcorn for lunch?"
Me: "No, for your congressional hearing"16 -
Me: That's not how browsers work.
Designer: Well, our users need it.
Me: Uh, I'm not arguing with your idea, but no browser supporters that kind of thing
Designer: Well, figure it out because it's not optional.
Me: ... I'm not disagreeing with you, I'm saying that's not something we can do.
Designer: So, what will it take? What do we need to do to get this in?
Me (not actually): motherfucker this isn't a negotiation! I'm not arguing I'm fucking explaining the limitations of web apps!25 -
Me-Hey, did you install linux?
Friend:- Uh, No. Currently using Ubuntu, I'll install Linux later.18 -
Conversation today...
Guy: "Hey I need a real quick script to pull some values out of an XML document...is that possible?"
Me: "Uh...yeah that's pretty simple if that's all it has to do."
Guy: "Ok excellent I'll send you some files and documentation."
Me: "Ok so is this like a one time use thing or do you need to parse multiple of these?"
Guy: "Actually it needs to run all the time, on this specific PC, watch directories for any files that are added, then generate a XLSX files of the values, and also log information to a database. Etc"
Me: "Oh that adds quite a bit of complexity from what you originally said. It's going to take more time."
Guy: "But you said it was easy."
Well fuck you...12 -
Phone rings
Uh oh
Answers the phone
Its my boss
>the latest tool you made isnt working
Um... Yes it is?
>we cant run it because its a jar file
Um..
>how to you run a jar file?
Um... You click on it?
>it doesnt work, nothing shows up
(Maybe if you fucking read my documentation, you would see that it just generates the files you need)
>there are no files
Yes there are we tested on every possible hardware, theres no way to fuck it up
>there are no files
Okay maybe you just dont see them on your desktop, move the jar to an empty folder
>how do i do that
*hangs up*26 -
When you stare into git, git stares back.
It's fucking infinite.
Me 2 years ago:
"uh was it git fetch or git pull?"
Me 1 year ago:
"Look, I printed these 5 git commands on a laptop sticker, this is all I need for my workflow! branch, pull, commit, merge, push! Git is easy!"
Me now:
"Hold my beer, I'll just do git format-patch -k --stdout HEAD..feature -- script.js | git am -3 -k to steal that file from your branch, then git rebase master && git rebase -i HEAD~$(git rev-list --count master..HEAD) to clean up the commit messages, and a git branch --merged | grep -v "\*" | xargs -n 1 git branch -d to clean up the branches, oh lets see how many words you've added with git diff --word-diff=porcelain | grep -e '^+[^+]' | wc -w, hmm maybe I should alias some of this stuff..."
Do you have any git tricks/favorites which you use so often that you've aliased them?50 -
Girlfriend (art student): “You’re in CS. Why don’t you use Windows? Macs are terrible for programming.”
Me: “macOS is better for doing command line compilation and shit because it supports Unix terminal commands and stuff with a reliable OS that’s better-supported than most Linux OSes. I also have Windows on my laptop too, for Visual Studio.”
Girlfriend: “Only like 1% of people use command line stuff. Windows is better for programming. I’ve seen a lot of CS majors use Windows.”
Me: “Uh. You watch me use my computer every day. The stuff I do in Terminal takes forever on Windows.”
Girlfriend: “Yeah, but Windows is just better for programming though.”
Help.46 -
The CEO asks God:
"God, how much time do you need to create the earth?"
God: "uh, 10 billion years I think"
CEO: " You have only 7 days. Well 6, the last one is to fix everything gone wrong after deploying"
And here we are6 -
I once worked until 8am to get a demo ready for a client of the client. I knew the client was a bit thick, so I made some comprehensive video demos and sent them over to him, to save him trying to demo it himself. I wake up at 11am with him screaming down the phone at me:
“It doesn’t work, none of it works!”
“What do you mean?”
“I go to login and I can’t enter anything.”
“I haven’t sent you anything to log into...wait, are you trying to log into a video? Tell me you’re not trying to log into a video of a login page.”
“Uh...oh hang on, it just worked. Ok no pr-“
“No wait, what do you mean it worked?”
“I logged in fine.”
“It’s a video. You can’t log into a video.”
“Uh...alright, bye mate, thanks!”
The moral of the story is: never assume any level of intelligence on the part of a client, even if they exhibit signs of it at first. If they are paying you they will forget how to tie their own shoelaces.10 -
Friend: Hey! How do you uh... alt tab out of the game?
Me: *wtf* Uhhh... You press alt tab.
Friend: *after 10 seconds* Oh! That’s why it is called alt tab.
Me: *crying laugh emoji*
5 -
"Aah, time to make a new Android app"
*starts Android Studio*
AS: "Yo yo yo, before you proceed, update all these 512 things in your SDK"
*creates a new Activity*
AS: "Nuh uh, this shit won't work without this, install it"
*runs app on emulator*
AS: "Hoooold your horses, you need to install this, and this, and update this and this.. oh and also that"
*emulator finally runs, app crashes*
AS: "Ohh, ha ha, oopsies, your Gradle config is also screwed up, change every dependency to the newest version and then update them all"
*config finally done, runs again*
AS: "Umm, I am too lazy to sync it myself, so you must press the nice big button on top to sync it"
"Fuck this"
*closes Android Studio*
AS: "WAAAIT WAIT, before you go, a new Android update just showed up, you must upd..."
*alt+f4*5 -
Part of my job involves speaking with users on the phone and I really don’t mind it except for THESE PEOPLE:
Me: Hi! XYZ Co. this is Tawzer!
Them: Hi Tawzer this is blah blah I need help with the website I just can’t figure it out!
Me: Okay! Let me ju-
Them: Yeah you know I’ve been struggling for hours with it I really don’t have time for this.
Me: Oh I imagine! What’s your-
Them: Well I was gonna try and get everything done today by 3 but with all of this tech stuff going wrong I just don’t know...
Me: That sounds frustrating, can i get your-
Them: Is this going to take long??
Me: Nope! I just need to know your-
Them: like I said I just really don’t have time for this!
Me: ........ What’s your-
Them: well I-
Me: WHAT’S YOUR USERNAME
Them: Uh I don’t know can you look me up? I didn’t know I’d need that.
Me: 👩🏻💻10 -
Boss: I need to know how much resources a server would need to serve 20000 users at the same time
Me: Sure, can I see the webapp?
B: There's not one yet
M: Ok, can I see its documentation then?
B: There is none
M: But ot depends on the programming language, libraries used, what kin-
B: It's an e-commerce. Try browsing Amazon and see how much they nees to handle the page requests.
Me: *still processing* wh-
Boss: I have to give an estimate to a client within 30 minutes. Hurry.
So.... Uh... I guess i have to hack Amazon now?7 -
Friend: I wiped this drive, and then I open it in my Hex viewer app, and it's all zeros!
Me: yeah?
Friend: Why isn't it empty?
Me: uh well a drive must have its bits set to some value and can't just nothingness so zeros is just a default meaningless value that resolves to nothing..
Friend: No, but why is it full of zeros? why it isn't empty?
...
I attempted several times and then exploded. rip self14 -
Holy fucking hell!
Who the fuck sets up a local network with an 255.255.0.0 subnet mask and then lets the dhcp-server distribute clients onto the 192.249.x.x., 192.2.x.x and the 192.22.x.x networks AT FUCKING RANDOM???
I need to SSH onto 40 routers distributed across the entire campus and have a WORKING internet connection while doing so and you make me spin the connect-disconnect-wheel. Fucking hell dude, don't give me that "Uh, it wasn't intended for this size"-bullshit. You have about 200 active devices. And in one subnet you have space for more than 60 000. Fuck you, dumbass! OH, YOUR FUCKING LIST IS FUCKING WRONG AND YOU DON'T REMEMBER THE IP OF THE ROUTERS? OH FUCK YOU EVEN HARDER!!!
Goddamn people why does legacy maintenance always suck so much?😭😭😭4 -
"I'm just trying to replicate {ticket-1234} so I can write a quick hotfix."
- "Oh, it doesn't work on dev."
- "So... I have to test on stage?"
- "It doesn't work on stage either."
- "Uh, on prod?"
*office laughs*
We're doing it live folks.2 -
!rant
So it turns out that my dad accidentally took my spare laptop on a work trip. He's about as non-tech as you can get, and that laptop runs...Arch Linux. Yeah.
(call from dad)
M: hi dad
D: what's your desktop password?
M: (confused) {Password}
D: okay.
(cuts the call)
M: *shrug*
(call from dad)
M: hi dad
D: so where is PowerPoint?! where's the Windows button?! I've been at this for half an hour now and I have to edit a presentation for tomorrow!!
M: (realizes what's happened) oh...uh...dad...that's.. Linux...
D: don't you people do anything the way it's supposed to be done?
M: uh...
D: ugh! So you can't edit PPTs on this?
M: (processing...LibreOffice isn't installed on the laptop, and he will have to use the command line to connect to the internet to use Office Online or Google Slides since the Deepin WiFi module keeps fucking up for some reason)
D: well?
M: (internal sigh) No, you can't edit PPTs on that.
D: wow.
(cuts the call)
He either thinks we're all useless or that we have godlike computer skills to be able to edit PPTs on Linux. Oh well.
(He managed to use the hotel's "workstation" to get it done, so all is well. I should tell him to change his password though, hotel computers have rubbish security.)14 -
Lead engineer: "Well, uh... I haven't really prepared a test for you but the HR insists that I should test you before wrapping up this interview.. so uh.... what do you suggest we should do now?"
Me: "Um... how about we walk through my latest project code and you can ask me to optimize it?"
Lead engineer: "Sounds cool, allright let's do that. How much time do you need?"
Welp. Did I just pick my own interview question?5 -
I remember some years ago when a professor asked -
"What is the difference between SQL and MySQL?"
And one of the students answered -
Uh... I don't know... SQL is more like a general SQL and MySQL is a personal SQL...
:|5 -
User: We can not register three users on your website, it allowed us to register only first one
Me: What does it say? Some kind of error? Tell me so I can reproduce.
User: Well it says email address is already taken
Me: Uh...
- so yeah, they tried to register three users under the same email address.7 -
Storytime!
Manager: Hey fullstackchris, the maps widget on our app stopped working recently...
Dev: (Skeptical, little did he know) Sigh... probably didn't raise quota or something stupid... Logs on to google cloud console to check it out...
Google Dashboard: Your bill.... $5,197 (!!!!!!) Payment method declined (you think?!)
Dev: 😱 WTF!?!?!! (Calls managers) Uh, we have HUGE problem, charges for $5000+ in our google account, did you guys remove the quota limits or not see any limit reached warnings!?
Managers: Uh, we didn't even know that an API could cost money, besides, we never check that email account!
Dev: 🤦♂️ yeah obviously you get charged, especially when there have literally been millions of requests. Anyway, the bigger question is where or how our key got leaked. Somewhat started hammering one of the google APIs with one of our keys (Proceeds to hunt for usages of said API key in the codebase)
Dev: (sweating 😰) did I expose an API key somewhere? Man, I hope it's not my fault...
Terminal: grep results in, CMS codebase!
Dev: ah, what do we have here, app.config, seems fine.... wait, why did they expose it to a PUBLIC endpoint?!
Long story short:
The previous consulting goons put our Angular CMS JSON config on a publicly accessible endpoint.
WITH A GOOGLE MAPS API KEY.
JUST CHILLING IN PLAINTEXT.
Though I'm relieved it wasn't my fault, my faith in humanity is still somewhat diminished. 🤷♂️
Oh, and it's only Monday. 😎
Cheers!11 -
Me: So we've used Bootstrap for front-end and Django for ...
Teacher: Bootstrap is not a front-end framework.
Me: Uh..Okay. It's a CSS framework ? My bad.
Teacher: No, Python is for front-end.
Me: You mean templating ? Yeah! We've used Jinja templates.
Teacher: No. Use Python for front-end.10 -
Me (to friend): So all your information these days is stored in the cloud.
Friend: Yeah I know that's crazy, huh!?
Me: Yeah!
Friend: I wonder if there's any disruption of the data when planes fly through.
Me: What do you mean?
Friend: Like when a cloud breaks when a plane move through it since we store our data in the precipitation layer. Nikola Tesla would be so proud.
Me: Uh... The fuck?
Me (thinking to myself): maybe he's just joking...4 -
Random Person: *looks at my screen as I’m writing a short pointless script* Oh! Are you coding?
Me: Yes.
R: Oh! I code as well!
M: Cool, what languages do you know?
R: Uh, English?
...10 -
Today I told a fellow dev to join devRant, and explained it was "like Reddit, but only for developers"
Wild manager caught us and said "Uh, just what everybody wants, some geek forum. Thank god I left that world a long time ago"
Fucker...6 -
"We e-mailed out the wrong newsletter last night, how do we get them all returned back before anyone reads them?"
- Client
...I, uh, nope.2 -
The thing that I hate the most about my job:
Manager: We need to get this done.
Me: okay. (after some scouring online) this open source library looks like a perfect fit for the requirement.
Manager: oh sweet.
*some eons later*
Me: dude, I developed this general purpose utility and I think this might be helpful to other developers and something that we could open source.
Manager: uh no. Company policy.
Me: but we make use of open source libraries all the time.
Manager: that's different.4 -
Dude! I have this amazing idea for a website! It's like a social network but for videos!
- uh like youtube?
No! Totally different because in this social network you could share the videos with your friends.
- so... like youtube
No man! Cause you could also rate and comment the videos!
- like youtube?
No! You're just not getting it man!
-...13 -
A few years ago:
In the process of transferring MySQL data to a new disk, I accidentally rm'ed the actual MySQL directory, instead of the symlink that I had previously set up for it.
My guts felt like dropping through to the floor.
In a panic, I asked my colleague: "What did those databases contain?"
C: "Raw data of load tests that were made last week."
Me: "Oh.. does that mean that they aren't needed anymore?"
C: "They already got the results, but might need to refer to the raw data later... why?"
Me: "Uh, I accidentally deleted all the MySQL files... I'm in Big Trouble, aren't I?"
C: "Hmm... with any luck, they might forget that the data even exists. I got your back on this one, just in case."
Luck was indeed on my side, as nobody ever asked about the data again.5 -
A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp a genie appeared who stated "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish."
The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said "I'd like there to be a just and last peace among the people in the middle east."
The genie responded, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits."
The programmer then said, "Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users. Please make all the users satisfied with my programs, and let them ask sensible changes"
Genie: "Uh, let me see that map again."1 -
Me: tried to HTML like a sad anime girl
(someone spots me)
Dude: yo you're good (I'm just making a bouncing ball in HTML in peace) wanna join our group?
Me: uh sure
(Finds out I just entered a coding competition group going to be sent somewhere minutes later after being added to the Telegram group)
Fuck me3 -
!rant
*Just got a package delivered, didn't check yet*
Friend: who sends you stuff from from the USA?
I (excited as fuck): uh it must be my
DevRant
Duck
Delivery.
Friend: your what?
I explain, he walks away not giving a fuck.
But I don't care what he thinks, i love my new devDucks. Oh and special thanks to @dfox for the autograph. Well technically you just signed the customs declaration, but an autograph none the less.
3 -
*my first day on the job to work on a website used by dozens of companies worldwide and 1000s of users*
me: So where can I find the git repository?
dev: Git?
me: Uh... what kind of source control do you use?
dev: We don't use anything fancy like that.
me: *freaking out a little, I already committed to this job*
me: So then where do you edit your code and how do you back it up?
dev: Oh, I just edit it on FTP and zip all the code every week.21 -
Recruiter: Do you use .net C#?
Me: Uh. No. I applied for a position of a front-end developer. I use JavaScript and...
Recruiter: Oh, that's good. We need an Android developer.
*sigh*7 -
9pm Project Manager: We have to push an update TONIGHT
9.45pm Devs: okay guys, all latest bugs are fixed, just needs final check and we can push the update
10:45pm Devs: Guys?...
11:45pm Guy in charge of testing: Uh doesn't work...
- What doesn't work?
- I dunno, I get an error message
- What's the (fucking) error message?!
Aaaaand silence
Fuck this I'm going to bed.6 -
I made a setting that hides your messages in a group chat. The UX guy said it would "cut down noise" to only see what others are saying.
I would like to tell you that I did this thing at gunpoint, but the truth is I did it out of malice. Sweet, sweet malice.
When the community reacted with the expected, uh, reaction... the UX guy got all the credit he deserved.
Sweet, sweet malice.4 -
Those days at 1:49AM when your code finally runs and does exactly what you wanted it to do, and you want to scream and tell someone, but you realize that even if anyone was awake, they'd never understand why you're so excited. They'd probably just pat you on the back and say 'Uh, ... good job...?'5
-
Best part of being a dev :
You get to live the stereotype. "She doesn't talk much, she is always on her laptop - coding, always has headphones on. Too much of a geek. Let's not invite her to a party. "
No awkward "Uh , I cant come. " Yay! B-)2 -
*gets called by recruiter*
R: “We have a job in IT for you at one of our biggest clients”
M: “Okay, what exactly would I be doing?”
R: “Uh I don’t know, we haven’t received an actual job description”
M: “.... seriously?”4 -
(On a phone interview)
"So... in the entire span of your professional career, you've never had someone you could call a mentor?"
"Uh, nope, been mostly on my own."
"How did you learn new things?"
"I read a lot of Hacker News."
True story.8 -
managers: We're all aligned! Let's work as a team and get this started!
devs: ok...
managers and devs meeting to discuss next features: * canceled by managers *
managers: (word for word, can't make this shit up) we cancelled the meeting, we will define the roadmap for everyone
> WE will define the roadmap for EVERYONE
devs: uh wtf???
one hour later, managers: guys we are defining the roadmap can we have a call to discuss?
fucking asshat, insolent, disrespectful pieces of shit3 -
Me: spends 2 hours on a script that converts graphs into colorblind friendly mode
Friend: why didnt you just grayscale the image
Me:
Me: uh7 -
"I want my API to return insults as error messages if they forget shit"
Uh no, I prefer helping them out by writing proper documentation than sending a giftbox with me flipping them off like Linus Fucking Torvalds for their spaghetti usage of your API5 -
So uh... I got fired today. I asked them what could be the reasons. They told me that I am "capable" and a bunch of positive things. I asked them can't the reason they fire me is due to all the positive things. Is there a particular reason?
I asked them the reasons again and again. They say was all fine.
Then the email stated I am fired due to "Not working, not contributing and underperforming". Which I asked them to clarify.
They say they prefer someone who has a corporate mentality and is obedient. As more ideas will cause "unrest" for the company.
I am genuinely confused.
Anyway, I am back to freelancing.17 -
During a random meeting for a project:
PM: We'll need you to learn Go for this project. It says you know python in your job skills, so it should be easy.
Me: Uh, hiiii. I'm in security, not development. Can't help you, I really shouldn't even be here.
PM: I think Go has security built-in, does that help?
Me: ... I don't know, you need a developer.
PM: Do you know any Go people?
Me: I think that's something you should know.
- Silence enters the room -
PM: Yes perhaps, but you don't know anyone?
Fucking wat?8 -
Not having finished any education, and writing code during interviews.
I have a pretty nice resume with good references, and I think I'm a reasonably good & experienced dev.
But I'm absolutely unable to write code on paper, and really wonder how some devs can just write out algorithms using a pen and reason about it, without trying/failing/playing/fixing in an IDE.
Education I think.
I can transform the theory on a complex Wikipedia page about math/algorithm into code, I can translate a Haskell library into idiomatic python... but what I haven't done is write out sorting functions or fibonacci generators a million times during Java class.
I don't see the point either... but I still feel utterly worthless during an interview if they ask "So you haven't even finished highschool? Can you at least solve this prime number problem using a marker on this whiteboard? Could you explain in words which sorting algorithm is faster and why?"
"Uh... let me fetch a laptop with an IDE, stackoverflow and Wikipedia?"22 -
Student approaches recruitment table
Student points to cheap pen giveaway
Student stares at me
Student maintains eye contact until I uncomfortably ask "Can I help you?"
Student: "I like your pens"
(Awkward pause. I expected him to introduce himself or ask for a pen)
Me: "Uh, would you like one?"
(Student nods vigorously, says nothing)
Me: "here you go"
(Student walks away wordlessly)
Career fairs..8 -
ESTIMATING FUCKING HOURS.
Well not literally, that only takes 10 minutes.
But software estimation... anyone pretending to be good at it is a dirty liar. Adding a button? Uh, let's say 2 hours, I mean I gotta poop in between as well, and it's probably some broken bootstrap theme with hacked custom margins.
Building a commenting system coupled to an ancient CRM? Uh... maybe one day? Maybe a month? I don't even know what the CRMs looks like? You won't show me because "that's irrelevant"?
WELL THEN I DON'T FUCKING HAVE A CLUE.
And in the time we spent on discussing time estimations, I could have written like half of the feature... or zero... because you still haven't fucking shown me what the CRM API looks like.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'LL GIVE YOU AN ESTIMATION. ME. VACATION. DONE IN 6 WEEKS.6 -
So apparently Congress knows what I'm up to.
"Uh, ma'am. You can't be 20 people at once. I'll send your message."
I guess spoofing doesn't work.11 -
If I hear "uh" or "uhm" one more time today, I might actually lose it, god damn fucking youtube tutorials.7
-
Several months back when I started this job, one of the HR guys I met was super energetic and outgoing (I'm a quite introvert).
HR Guy: Hey it's so great to meet you! Everyone here is super excited to have you starting in this role!!!
Me: .......uh "everyone"? There's like 500 people here and only about 3 even know I exist.
HR Guy: *thinks for a second* Haha yeah I guess you are right!!!4 -
Roommate: "Hey, man, uh, I know you use computers a lot or something; do you know off the top of your head how to use the touch screen on my computer?"
Me: "Uh, your laptop doesn't have a touch screen."
Roommate: "Yeah, but I thought you might know how to use it as a touchscreen."
Me: "...Your laptop does not have a touch screen."
I swear, this is the dumbest man I have ever come into contact with.
That'd be fine if this was a one-off type of thing, but he seriously has approx. 209.8 brain cells in total.
Once, with no argumentative basis, he told me that, if Mickey Mouse got enough votes as a write-in candidate, he could win the Presidency of the United States. I showed him Article II of our Constitution, and he said "why does that even matter here?"
Three more months, school'll be done, and I never have to see him again.7 -
Client calls: "hey man, my shit isnt working".
Me: "uh... Have you pressed ctrl+f5?" while coding on the speed of light so i can say it was his browser problem -
Interviewer: "Using this 2D array and calculate.."
Me: "This input isn't a 2D array though. Do you want me to parse or construct a 2D array then.."
"It is a 2D array."
"Uh.. ok..and if it's not what if we.."
"Look my notes say you must use this input, and treat it as a 2D Array"
"What if I wrote a function for a 2D array similar to this input, but actually a 2D array"
"You must use only the input provided"
Me: does rain dance code for 20 minutes.
Interviewer: "hmm, maybe it wasn't a 2D Array. I like your efforts but that's all the time we have today."
I promise I can code, sometimes. It does help to have correct questions to give correct answers.1 -
me: "so what version control system + tool you're using for this website?"
co-worker: "what is version control?"
me: "uh... like tfs, you manage changes, merge etc!???"
co-worker: "ah, i'm using filezilla."3 -
*Opens a pack of tablets (8000) and start to prep them.*
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.
SAME MAC ADDRESS.
Okay, that's just an er-
NOPE, ANOTHER ONE. HOLY SHIT. OKAY IT'S GETTING WORSE.
Is it my db?
Oh.
The db is just fine.
*Painfully getting in contact with the reseller*
Me: grumbles grumbles Mac Address grumbles
Reseller: Uh.. What?
It would be okay if we weren't using Mac Addresses as primary key in our databases.
They gave us some weird-looking software to "re-write mac addresses". It's working.
Something tells me that ipv6 is not for tomorrow.7 -
Me: Anytime 9am - 12 my time suits me fine.
Him: Sure, noon our time suits us fine.
Me: *talking to myself* I said no later than 12 my time, theres a 2 hour difference. FFS, uh, I'll have to cancel this, move that around, skip that, ARGH!!! fucking hell jackass ... FINE!!!
...
Him: That calendar invite is for 4pm our time, thats a little too late for us.
Me: ...... but they are 2 ..... 2 hours ahead so ..... oh, thats 10am my time .... oh shit2 -
Did anyone feel like IT is the thing in college not a lot of people really cared about?
Friend 1: "im going for chem engineering"
Everyone: *applaudes*
Friend 2: "im going for medicine"
Everyone: *applaudes*
Me: "im going for IT!"
Everyone: "uh, what about you Friend 4? What did you take?"
...
And i dont just mean it socially, the university doesnt pay much attention to us until they need something fixed or needs us to make something more convinient for them.12 -
Uh, I gotta do Task #1337. It better is a good one!
*reads the title*
"Write technical documentation for... "
... D'oh! -
Me: -gets in Uber hoping it will be a quiet ride-
Uber: hey
Me: hey
Uber: So, uh, what do you do?
Me: Oh I'm a software developer.
Uber: Ooohhhh. So you can make the next Uber/Careem if I were to ask you right!?
Me:4 -
Coworker: Hey, you made some changes over here in module X?
Me: Yeah. The old way was deprecated and we need to switch all of our modules over to the new way.
Coworker: Okay. I'm working in module Y now. When are you going to get to it and make those changes?
Me: ... I sent out an email and a message in group chat saying we all need to make these changes as we find them.
Coworker: Uh-huh. So when are you going to update this? It's blocking me.4 -
For my school coursework, we have to create a search facility, now the problem is my class weren't taught this. So 3 sleepless nights and with basically no knowledge of Javascript, I create it. Now, I like my classmates so I don't want them to fail, so I distributed it to them with clear instructions and told my teacher that I'd done this. They asked for my help anytime it crashed but no-one said thanks, they just treated me like an easy route to a pass. I went onto my school private development forums and it turned out my teacher had created a tag for me called 'Unsung Hero' and made a UH appreciation thread that I could read but others could only type their own post. People in my class were praising me for what I'd done and how much I helped. I understand why I do development and why I'll never stop.9
-
Manager: Here's the design for the next feature, we're ready to hand it over to the consultant
FullStackClown: Uh... okay... is it spec'd out with requirements?
Manager: Huh?
FullStackClown: Well, already look at this design and user flow, did you consider what happens when <insert edge case X here>, <insert edge case Y here>, or <insert edge case Z here>? How is the consultant going to know what to put in for business logic if you don't even know or define it yourself?
Manager: Huh?
FullStackClown: Sigh... yeah, I'm too busy right now to be a kindergarten teacher, come back in a few days once you understand how your own feature is supposed to work
Manager: ...
Dev: ...5 -
me: "Why not just use AJAX?"
guy who wasn't kidding: "Uh... oh is that a SOAP joke? Haha.."
:/ :/ :/ :/ :/ :/ :/2 -
Uh...all of them? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I used to work with a 'floor supervisor' who vaped excessively and obnoxiously. He had one of those things that made vapor like a space shuttle launch too. When he was talking during conference calls or presentations, rapt attention and respect were demanded. When anyone else was presenting, *whoosh*, big cloud of vapor, right in front of the screen, right in the presenter's face. It looked like the building was on fire ten minutes in. Opening the door was like getting out of a car that's been hotboxed. That guy was a douche.2 -
Person: So what do you do for a living..
Me: (here we go)... I am an information security analyst working in an incident response team for x company. I do log collection and manage a large scale correlation engine.
Person: Oh, so are you super smart or something? (Blinks her eyes and continues with blank stare)
Me: Uh... Smart enough I guess.
Person: Can you hack things like a hacker.
Me: That really isn't my job...
Person: What's your job again?
Me: Computer guy
(She lights up)
Person: Why didn't you just say that? I can understand that.
Yeah... I seem to have painful conversations like this often.10 -
I'm cracking up...
"chatGPT will ruin the software interviewing industry!!!"
uh.... what does it tell you about our industry if a fucking ROBOT can "ruin" the interview
well, you're right. it tells you that only algorithmic robots do well and subsequently earn the top spots at software companies after interviewing.
creativity, grit, perspective, wisdom? that stuff is absolute bullshit!!! (and as a feeble human I can't figure that out in an interview anyway!!! better just have you solve leetcode problems ad naseum!!! that'll get us the best employee!!!)
god i hate the dumb fuck rat race. good thing i'm not in it anymore! peace out, girl scout✌️5 -
Me: *reading work order* Customer states Mac does not have sound
*Me turns on Mac, it makes the signature "BONNNNG" sound*
Me: Uh huh...
Coworker: Rule No. 1 of tech support: The users always lie
Me: True, but still! How do you miss the start up Mac sound?!3 -
I work for Google and Facebook.
Well... is that really true?
Uh... well, does a cow work for a farmer?
Hmmm... not really voluntarily... the cow just kinda gets milked and then the farmer sells its milk.
Yeah. That’s what I do. They milk me for my attention - and then they sell that to corporate advertisers.
Yeah... Hmmm... well, I guess you do work for them... but you don’t get paid...
I can still put it on my resume though, right?10 -
Boss: how long would it take you to make an app with this tool you have never seen before?
Me: idk, I've never used that.
Boss: OK so how long?
Me:.. Uh.. 3 weeks?
Boss: you got 2 weeks. Start tomorrow.
Me:... OK then..
Inner me: why does he even ask?
...Fml6 -
Hey y'all!
So uh, I just finished my first week in the new jawb. And thought you guys would appreciate seeing the swagducky's new home!
My first week was awesome, the team is a group of interesting, skilled and clever people.
They started me off on an introductory task... I've been building an iOS game in unity! Different to the say job but damn it's been fun 😂😄
5 -
Me: *submits design document to manager, who sends it to client for review*
Client: "everything is good, except one line here mentions a function that has since been removed" *send email to manager*
Manager: Correct this one line *sends email to me*
Me: uh, ok *deletes line, sends updated document in new email*
Is there any reason in the world the client OR manager couldn't have corrected the line and moved on?
Did we need to get two more people involved and send 3 more emails?4 -
-Welcome to our entry level positing with Xyz company. I know we told your recruiter we are very hands on with developers. But we aren’t. Also you will be the only developer and there is no team.
-uh…. Okay..
-for the first part of your interview we are going to have you write a program in node that will reach out to our api and sort medical data with our clients.
-so you want me to create something live, and you’re going to be using it before you hire me in the actual work place?
-if it works, yes. Then we will decide on if we will hire you or not.
Wtaf?8 -
Support elevates a ticket.
Ticket: customer is getting a weird error uploading photo.
Can’t recreate. Tell support to call them back. I’ll sit in on the call.
Watch the process. Noting extraordinary...
Hmm.
Me: can you get the customer to open the pic in photo viewer?
Support asks as much.
Support: uh, he says he gets a similar error opening this photo in the photo viewer.
Me: 🤦♂️ that is a corrupt file! -
Worked with a European consulting company to integrate some shared business data (aka. calling a service).
VP of IT called an emergency meeting (IT managers, network admins) deeply concerned about the performance of the international web site since adding our services.
VP: “The partner’s site is much slower than ours. Only common piece that could cause that is your service.”
Me: “Um, their site is vastly different than ours. I don’t think we can compare their performance to ours.”
VP: “Performance is #1! I need your service fixed ASAP!”
Me: “OK, but what exactly is slow? How did you measure their site? The servers are in Germany”
VP: “I measured performance from my house last night.”
Me: “Did you use an application?”
VP: “<laughs> oh no, I was at home. When I opened the page, I counted one Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, then the page displayed.”
Me: “Wow…um…OK…uh…how long does our page take to load?”
VP: “Two Mississippi’s”
Me: “Um…wow…OK…wow…uh, no, we don’t measure performance like that, but I’ll work with our partners and develop a performance benchmark to determine if the shared service is behaving differently.”
VP: “Whatever it is, the service is slow. Bill, what do you think is slowing down the service?”
NetworkAdmin-Bill: “The Atlantic Ocean?”
VP got up and left the meeting.2 -
God, I love when people name stuff right. Now I'm reading through an open source project, trying to find out how they solved a critical issue I'm facing now. It's not a small one but navigating through it is a breeze. Look through variable/function names and I don't even really need to read the code. Meanwhile, last assignment, there was "yangDataHandler" and "yangDataManager" that, obviously, had nothing to do with each other in either interoperability or functionality - and then half of the variables would get aliased to abbreviations. Uh, yes, sure it's obvious what
𝚋𝚣𝚋𝚠𝚒 variable means. Just let me run it through 𝚒𝚍𝚣𝚍() function.10 -
"PLEASE COME QUICKLY OUR INTERNAL NETWORK IS FUCKED!
-Uh, mam', could you describe the problem?"
Spent an hour, trying to fix this "network issue". Basic level 1 and 2 support. Can't connect using RDP on the server. No teamviewer either. Unplug, replug everything. Restart the server, the router, the switches. I knew that it was something dumb. I spent 3h on the highway.
To find.
That the fucking.
Ethernet cable.
Was plugged oN THE MOTHER FUCKING ILO PORT! FUCK HP, FUCK THIS, FUCK ME BECAUSE I SHOULD'VE ASKED FOR A PHOTO.
"It's fixed, mam'. Did you touch something when it was working?
-Uh, no, I swear. Also, could you please take a look at our printer? It's not working. It was out of ink so I changed the cartridge yesterday, but today it's not working!"
The cartridge was not inserted correctly.
Then she nicely made me a coffee, thanking me for the fix and asking what the problems were.
Just kidding.4 -
Tips for staying focused while wfh?
Telling the wife to stay away. At least twice a day I was sexually harassed. I can't go into details because I'm still traumatized.
If my daughter wasn't home schooled, I'm sure I would have been forced to um...uh...you know...while I was supposed to be working.
Wife: "Honey, quick, kill this spider!!"
<I run into the bedroom>
Me: "Where is the spi...why are you in the bed? No...no...NOOOOO!! I'm reporting you to HR!"
Wife: "Ha!..when you're working from home...I'm HR."12 -
Skype meeting with bosses be in the middle of the night and I'm drunk as hell.
Uh oh. This sure is fun and troublesome.
How can I be of your help, sir? (Hick)
Sure! I can (belched loudly) do that!
I'd be glad to have your help!
Went to the loo to the point, it's my chance to vomit secretly. Now's the chance to remove the toxin (my head is aching)... and felt so sad when all my food is wasted.14 -
One time in a job interview I got asked a very softball question.
"what is the difference between .net framework and .net core?"
"well not much these days. there's a few APIs that didn't get ported over. but even winforms and that are available now. essentially it's the same experience when you're writing c# or whatever"
"ok but like, what's the biggest difference?"
"well the config files are different..."
"yeah but like the main difference?"
"uh... well there's a cli for .net core. it's not tied to visual studio anymore"
"ok. moving on..."
GODDAMMIT JOSH ALL YOU HAD TO SAY WAS CROSS PLATFORM
This interaction still keeps me up at night.6 -
So I dont know if this has been brought here already but I was busy lately with an oncoming amount of users of my site... and they found a few bugs, anyway me sucking aside:
To my fellow American DevRant users, how do you guys feel when you are about to get fucked by the posibility of get Net Neutrality in your country? Man what is going there sure is a tragicomedy, uh?
24 -
SeniorDev: "If we were only allowed to use C# 6 features, we could reduce our code base by 30%"
- other devs nodding their heads in agreement -
Me: "So, are you going to change our entire code base to be C# 6 compliant?"
SeniorDev: "Uh, oh hell no."
Me: "So those C# 6 features are going to reduce our code base by 0%?"
SeniorDev turns around without saying a word.
Getting a bit awkwardly quiet now. Better watch my back.4 -
When working with hardware some mistakes can be literally painful. Thankfully this was all during undergrad and I'm only around computer hardware now lol.
>Misprogrammed a software kill switch so a sensor that should not have been sending data was actually sending data which caused the system to activate a piston that went WHAM! into the face of a teammate working on replacing some part of it...
>Misprogrammed a controller so it drew too much power from the supply and the puny supply wires literally burst into flame and fell across my arm.
>Spun a 9000rpm CNC spindle the wrong way and caused an attached screw to go rocketing upwards instead of downwards and almost break the (pretty expensive) thing (uh...we were trying to use it as a power screwdriver essentially but I set the rpm to about 100x what I wanted and the direction wrong so yeah).
>Switched a -1 with a +1 in a robot's control system sending it careening into a teammate's leg... let's just say mecanum wheels are paaaainful.6 -
Company: “we need you to engineer this for one of our clients because you’re an engineer and this is what we pay you for.”
Me: “sure no problem”
Company: “we also need you to do a cost benefit analysis, risk/reward analysis, gap analysis and swot analysis for market fit and business finance because we didn’t task anyone else with doing it and since we’re already paying you for this other thing you may as well do this too”
Me: (opens up resume.docx) “yeah I’ll uh…I’ll get right on that”2 -
User: Your web app hasn't been working all day.
Me: Uh ok...this is the first I heard of it. Whats the problem? Are you getting an error message with any details? Can you send a screenshot so I can look into it?
User: Yeah it was an error message.
...
🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃6 -
Uh-oh shit went wrong with umpteen thousand jobs in a pointer heavy, multi-threaded application in raw C. Fuck, some pointer gone wild?!
30 minutes later, after trying to find out how many jobs it takes to start failing. Noticed that it's about the default settings. Wait what? That's where the realloc'ing should kick in, check that.
Aahhhh. Maybe I shouldn't zero the whole buffer after realloc, just the new part. D'uh! -
Realized our scale gives a reading for body water percentage. I always joke that I’m chronically dehydrated, but.. uh… I should probably work on this.
25 -
I've got a file on my desktop called key.txt, and it's just a single line in it that is clearly some sort of API key.
Absolutely no memory of what it is for.
💩9 -
I come from a front facing retail background. And I start my first developer job on Monday. It is also fully remote. They said I can take mental breaks whenever And unlimited pto as long as I use it wisely and don’t abuse the hell out of it. It’s a small company of like 75 people. They don’t want us working past business hours unless it’s urgent and something breaks.
Im like “uh what? You’re not going to yell at me for taking a 5 minute break after a homeless meth head screams at me and waives a wooden sword at me trying to hit me?”
It just feel like this is a grown up job. Like a professional job. I feel like I have work ptsd from being mistreated in the work place for 8 years. It doesn’t feel real. Does anyone else feel like this?9 -
Clients don't know what they want!
Was handed a detailed report and asked if I could create a webpage to dynamically generate the same thing from our database. Sure its ez ps lemon squeezy.
Simple page and database query. Boom, done. Exactly matched what they gave me.
They ask why some of the data isn't there. Uh well you cunts it wasn't on the original report...so it's not there obviously.1 -
first off, they've defined (just yesterday) FOUR (not ONE) features to be done by the end of the month (yes really no joke, i mean _this_ month, as in october, i.e. they mean by monday)
four of them still have "to be defined" labels
so, what, you guys gonna define those today so we have uh.... all of friday to do them?
🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡4 -
!rant
So, uh.
Just came back from my vacation, only to find out that my PC is now broken.
Like, it doesn't turn on.
Great.19 -
preface context: I was recently asked to make a website for an event I participated in before
client: okay I heard you can make a website for our event? that’s great!
me (dev): yeah, do you have any requests or expectations for me?
.
client: not really, but I was a developer before and I can code a bit so I’m wondering in what language would you code or develop our website in?
me: oh I would be using JavaScript, specifically nodeJS
.
client: oh really? i’m not really familiar with that language, so is it okay if you code it in a language I understand and used before?
me: sure, what is it?
.
(lol I wonder if you can guess already what it is at this point)
client: HTML
me: ... (*uh oh* html isn’t a markup language *sigh*) :——) -
While trying to integrate a third-party service:
Their Android SDK accepts almost anything as a UID, even floats and doubles. Which is odd, who uses those as UIDs? I pass an Integer instead. No errors. Seems like it's working. User shows up on their dashboard.
Next let's move onto using their data import API. Plug in everything just like I did on mobile. Whoa, got an error. "UIDs must be a string". What. Uh, but the SDK accepts everything with no error. Ok fine. Change both the SDK and API to return the UID as a string. No errors returned after changing the UIDs.
Check dashboard for user via UID. Uh, properties haven't been updating. Check search properties. Find out that UIDs can only be looked up as Integers. What? Why do you ask me to send it as a string via the API then? Contact support. Find out it created two distinct records with the UID, one as a string and the other as an Integer.
GFG.3 -
my 8 month old on her stroller at the grocery:
*cries in screaming*
*is scared of unrecognized faces*
every single old person we pass by:
let's grinstare this thing right on its fucking face.
baby: *cries harder*
old fuck: uh oh, time to go4 -
User: "Why isn't this process updated? There's something wrong with your system."
Me: "Did you submit the request?"
User: "Uh yeah I'm sure I did..."
Me: "Go submit the request again." (they never did the first time)
User: "I don't know how. Will you show me?" *shows user how to do it* "Ok I did it now."
Me: "You did it wrong, you need to resubmit it."
User: "Ok I resubmitted it."
* a week later *
User: "The process still hasn't shown any progress."
Me: "You didn't resubmit it like you said you did."
User: "Will you show me how to do it again?"
* fuck me *
Me: "Sure..."
Process works as expected and everyone lives happily ever after, except the developer that knows it is just a matter of time till the next user blatantly lies, has no respect for anyone's time, and demonstrates a complete lack of desire to care about their job at all and just wants to bitch and complain like a typical lazy ass-hat.6 -
*Makes a small change in Webpack generator for Eclipse Theia*
*Takes 10 minutes to complete all tests*
*PR*
*Travis CI builds*
*Takes 30+ minutes*
Uh, Travis, you okay?
-
I'm so fucking tired of OOP.
This bullshit never ends. Everyone treats OOP in their own, proper (of course) way. You read tons of those fashion books, like uncle bob and shit. and then comes a dumb asshole that starts reviewing your code, and tells you doing it wrong. FUCK. and you can't tell anything to your TL or PM cuz they are same dumb asholes. Because after you fix all the bullshit from the first asshole, those more responsible assholes come and tell you that you still doing it wrong.
- uh.. bruh, why don't you make interface for everything? that' S.O.L.I.D, you know.. it just right thing.
- bruh, why don't you use enum and switch case. we need a factory.
- bruh, we don't use abstract classes, use interface
- could you rewrite your linq/stream thing into a class and a method. it's just simpler for us. foreach loop is something everyone knows.
well,then go and LEARN the tool you're dealing with, coderfucker.
FUUUUCK.13 -
I uh.. I may or may not have just spent the last hour or so disassembling my headphones, only to find that there's batteries inside and the earcups just clip off.
Always do the easiest thing first...
8 -
https://phoronix.com/scan.php/...
And here's the thing: Trovalds is no superhuman being or something. Gates didn't do the impossible. They all had this "uh fuck that I may correct that later" moment.
Don't strive for perfection, do stuff outta passion my dudes and dudettes.5 -
I'm working on a larger web project for authorities that went live yesterday.
I also trained the staff for the last two days so that everyone knows how to register an account, use the application etc.
Got the first call today: "I can't create an account...the website does not start".
Uh..okay...what the? >_>
Turns out, the user entered the URL in Google Search and wondered why nothing happens and why the website does not load.
Wow... and that was just the first call.1 -
Docker is funny.
I'll try to fire up docker-compose and it will freak out.
Docker Error: "Oh man! Oh man! Something is wrong! It's probably not docker it's YOUR CONTAINER!!!! WTF DUDE!!!"
Me: "Uh docker ... your little systray icon indicates docker itself is broken right now...""
Docker: "No way man, i'm sure it's your fucked up container, must be something wrong with it!!!"
Me: "I'm just gonnna restart you."
Docker: "OK but I'm just say'n th----"
-restarts docker-
-restarts docker-compose-
Docker: "OMG It's up!!!!"6 -
interview today
me: and can you tell me a little bit more about your development process? e.g. an example dev cycle from reqs to testing and review...?
senior dev interviewing me:
*gives frustrated/annoyed "why tf are you asking these?" look*
So, uh, we don't really use testing for these projects cuz it would make it harder to refactor later.
(and responded nothing else on the topic)
I left shortly after that.9 -
Friend: why do I get this error help
[I check the logs]
Me: uh,its a OOM, did you allocate enough memory for GC?
Friend: wait hold on
[changes a method]
[works]
Friend: I shouldn't use this experimental method
Me: Cool man blog it2 -
Going through the list of projects:
Nope...
Absolutely nope ...
Burn it Nope.
Nononono.
Don't touch this.
It's so fluffy, I will die.
Wow. If this was a fungus, it could talk by now.
What the hell was that...?
Uh. Ehm. So old it's already done. Oopsie.
...
2 hours later...
...
Well. Backlog is sorted.
Conclusion: I just don't work anymore.
-.
I think it's time to add a field "pain level" to Jira.
And I doubt that the backlog contains any ticket less than pain level 8 / 10. -.-
But yey. I ordered beer.2 -
!rant
Conversation between [C]oworker and... some kind of customer-side [P]roject manager.
P: Hey, our release 2.0 is ready, but somehow I can't add tag to master. Could you try, please?
C: Yeah, sure.... Done... We are missing tag for 1.2 still, should we add it?
P: Oh, right, I forgot about that.
C: Ok, found merge... Done.
P: *displaying repo in GitBlit* Uh, now the order is wrong. And date is the same. Can we do something about that?
Me: We can just push that tag with replaced date. *just guessing*
P&C: You can do that??
Me: Sure
Me.thinking: Thats git... I would be suprised if we could not.
Me: *pushing tag* Check it now.
P: Whoa, nice!
3 -
So, CS student here.
Gave TCS "national" level test.
Quoting from the question:
"if you have 3 bytes of memory, it can be used to represent 2^3=8 values in the memory"
This test is a waste of at least 30000+ human hours and these guys didn't even put 24 hours of effort to make sure questions are correct.
Fuck this fucking IT industry.
Fuck the people who designed this testing process.
Fuck the people who endorsed this process.
Fuck the management for passing it as a test.
The people who wrote the test question can go die in hell.
It's not my problem that their mothers fucked Neanderthals.
Uh! All I want is a job but ended up wasting 200+ hours of time.11 -
A new head of operations joins a small company.
— Okay guys, I’m planning for the long run. I need 500 warehouses across the country — we might need that capacity. We will build them rather than renting them — Amazon does the same thing, so we should too. We also need our own shipping fleet — FedEx has that too, so it’s a battle-tested approach. We might need that capacity. We need a future-proof solution.
— Uh… That’s kind of dumb. Are you kidding me?
A new head of engineering joins a small company.
— Okay guys, I’m planning for the long run. I need an AWS cluster running Kubernetes deploying microservices built with Docker. We might need autoscaling. Frontend should be Next.js + TypeScript — everyone does that now, plus we can develop a React Native app more easily if need be. We need a future-proof solution.
— Wow! That’s what I call a good manager. You really know what you’re talking about. You’re promoted!4 -
Public CSS discord: "Oh, awesome thanks, man! No need to apologize, I'll check the code. I DM'd you."
DM: Total meltdown cry baby freak-out... "Oh yeah... well, if the code is broken - then why does my repo have 63 stars? I think I'd know if my code didn't work - it must be your computer. Why won't you let me team-viewer into your computer and see your screen? I don't care about your personal information. It's made with React, not CSS. I thought you would be helpful - but you're not at all. You aren't professional..."
Uh... (I can see the code... team-viewer isn't going to help you... and I'm at work... and I already spent 15 minutes helping you - you fucking prick)
13 -
Past two days one of the senior devs has been complaining to anyone who will listen about a UI assembly containing 'hard-coded' references to a third party component causing several builds to break. The developer who added the telerik component probably had no idea the reference is pointing to his personal directory instead of a relative path. Easy fix? Uh...yea...but he just ranted to our boss for about 10 minutes about he has no idea how to fix the problem and the TFS build failure holding up his other projects.
WTF!? You fracking know what the relative path is!...just fracking change it and move the frack on.
The drama this drama-queen keeps spewing out is driving me out of my mind.
3 -
Me, two weeks ago, adding yet another function onto an increasingly complex webservice: "hey uh this is getting pretty confusing, why don't we structure the request this other way so at least it makes more sense."
Manager: "just leave it as is, let the other team worry about how confusing it is. It's their problem now, I want you to move on to a new assignment."
Now- the other team is confused by the webservice and does the requests wrong, resulting in failures. Does it become my problem again when they report that my webservice isn't working?
Yes, it does.3 -
Classic support ticket:
Me: "Uh... those numbers in your screenshot look right"
Customer: "Well it wasn't yesterday, looks like it is fixed now"
Me: "...."
-closes ticket- -
*During meeting*
C:*smiling while looking at massex.py* 'MasSex' uh! You'd change it before pushing
In my defense it's short for Mass Execution not MasSex
FML
5 -
PyTorch.
2018: uh, what happens when someone uses a same name attack? - No big deal. https://github.com/pypa/pip/...
2020: I think that's a security issue. - Nanana, it's not. https://github.com/pypa/pip/...
2022: malicious package extracts sensitive user data on nightly. https://bleepingcomputer.com/news/...
You had years to react, you clowns.6 -
Conference call with customer:
Me: You want your customers to see orders that YOU cancelled on them? Are you sure about that? Won't that upset some of them?
Customer: Nope we want that.
Me: Uh ok....
-weeks later-
Customer: OMG OUR CUSTOMERS CAN SEE ORDERS WE CANCELLED!!!
ʅ͡͡͡͡͡͡͡͡͡͡͡(ƟӨ)ʃ͡͡͡͡͡͡͡͡͡͡
Like bro, I'm just the programmer but sometimes we understand things ..... stop and listen for a moment...4 -
User: This web page form is too hard to use and is prone to have wrong data filled out.
Me: Uh...ok. Here is a redesign. You literally fill out one text field and a date picker.
User: Oh this is great, thanks.
*checks the database and the very first entry they created had the wrong date.*
Fuck me.6 -
People who don't mind their business.
So a while back, in a casual conversation I mentioned to a customer that I maybe might *possibly* have some jewish ancestry, on my *fathers* side, like my grandparents. Distant ancestry. Like the sort of distance that leads to things like dumb polish jokes.
Anyway, this guy starts coming in on a regular basis and talking about jewish related things constantly and I just want to ring him up and be left alone.
He asks me "so aren't you supposed to be in synagogue or something? I thought you're people were really adamant about not working on the sabbath?"
I looked at him deadpan and said "Money is my religion. Have a nice day."
He laughed nervously "uh yeah, thats good, okay, gotta run."
Best part was he forgot his eleven cents in change.18 -
For the Nth time in a row now, the team has met...
...with no agenda...
...with no note-taking...
...with no off-topic course correction...
...and has gone almost an hour over time.
Please stop doing this oh my god, we're wasting time and nobody has a fucking source when two months later somebody asks when/why this was decided and our only answer is "uh we agreed at some point" and we do this all over again.1 -
Dear customers just fucking stop and do the following:
1. Explain yourself in complete sentences.
2. Read the email you just wrote.
3. Regardless of the content delete the email.
4. Go about your day and leave me alone.
Fucking emails like this, I can't even:
Customer Person A: Hey this thing doesn't work when I change X!
Me: Uh where did you change X? There's 3 places that can be changed.
Customer Person A: No, Customer Person B is responding to the wrong ticket.
- Customer B has never responded to the ticket and isn't on the email chain we're talking about...-
-ticket closed, communication impossible reason "Kiteo, his eyes closed"-1 -
How I confused an Indian co-worker.
I noticed that his office desk was using a multi-outlet power strip connected to another one, and then one more after that, because the cable length was too short.
Me: pointing out that this is not allowed in our company.
Him: dafuq-look.
Me: yeah, electrical safety, we need to replace this. Gonna ask IT whether they have something (they did), replaced it.
Him: different dafuq-look.
Me: I guess that's the most German thing you've run into, right?
Him: uh, yes, but I can see the point. :)9 -
Our CEO had a virtual town hall using Zoom and now have a sign language interpreter box as a regular feature... To go along with all the Inclusion stuff...
The most immediate problem though is they didn't turn on auto-captions...
I don't know sign but am deaf so needed the captions which it turns out you can get using the Google Recorder app on Pixels. (This is literally like a fuck you to non-Pixel users and Zoom which disables Live Captions in conferences and recording full transcripts).
Anyway I left it own and near the end, a speaker was like "we're getting a lot of likes and positive feedback about the interpreter box! See how small changes make such a big difference?!"
And well of course in my mind I'm going "uh.... No."
I'll just go back to not caring about anything that isn't related to how much I make.2 -
In our databases lesson, we are going to use Microsoft SQL Server throughout the year.
This shit's setup fails at random, doesn't even start (empty error box??????) on some machines, and when it, uh, works, kinda, it's a convoluted mess.
Help.9 -
(On the phone)
Internet Provider Support: "Hello, how can I help you?"
Me: "Hi, I've been unable to connect to internet for the past few hours and-
IPS: "Haven't you heard the pre-recorded message?!"
Me: "Uh... No? I'm sorry, but no message was played before you answered."
ISP: "Well, internet services are experiencing technical issues in your whole area. We'll contact you soon as it's resolved." *Hangs up*
...The company then proceeded to state that everything was fine, after a few hours. On their website. Without specifying how to manually restore the connection at all, since apparently this was needed.
...Great job?
This looks kinda dumb to me but... Is it just me?6 -
The feeling when you just want to code code code but you have tons of other work 😥
Wish I could just program those tasks (laundry, dogwalk etc.)
Might as well build a robot, uh?!
1 -
If I was rich I would still attend work interviews, except I’d play vodka bingo for every stupid thing I hear.
“We have our own agile implementation” *sips from the mug*
“Yeah we have uh...some testing” *sips*
“We are the leader in our sector” *sips*
I think I’d die at 30 if I started playing at 207 -
I don't like it when progress bars develop their own personality. Gurr.
Friendly reminder: see attached gif.
Uh-uh-uh, you didn't say the magic word.
Uh-uh-uh, you didn't say the magic word.
7 -
HR: Do you work under pressure?
Me: Yes, but I swear very much.
HR: what?
Me: uh.. and sometimes I punch in the face, yes just in the face.1 -
npm: "npm does not support Node.js v10.24.0; You should probably upgrade to a newer version"
Also npm: "Supported releases are the latest release of 4, 6, 7, 8, 9"
Uh...good to know this piece of software is still a dump where rejected code goes to rot.2 -
What the fuck is wrong with Google?!!
Trying to log into Gmail.
Forgot password.
Gmail: To reset, code from authenticator app is required.
Me: Super. Good thing I set it up.
Enters code.
Gmail: Recovery email.
Me : Uh... Forgot that too.
Gmail: Some email address to communicate.
Me: Super!
Enters some other email address.
Receives mail with a link.
Me: Finally!
Opens link
Gmail: "When did you create your account?"
Me: Uh... If I had that kind of memory, we wouldn't be dancing right now.
.
.
.
Gmail: Sorry we couldn't verify you.
WHAT THE FUCK, GOOGLE?!
What sort of sadist play is this?!
Dropped them a mail to get access back. Got a link in the auto reply that explains how to repeat the above process. WTF?!
What the actual fuck?!10 -
Ok, so I REALLY HATE ChromeOS. MY story is this: I'm using Chrome, and I want to get a file from my computer to my phone. Simple enough, I just plug my phone in, and... oh, wait! First it has to open two new windows for my phone's two storage areas. Ok, fine. I close the windows, get my file prepared, and I click/drag it over to the folder I want. Except, the computer doesn't FUCKING see it as a device anymore. It knows it's attached, but it doesn't fucking communicate with it. Ok, maybe it's a cord problem. Nope! Same issue. Maybe I need to update? Nuh-uh! That doesn't work either, since my computer's not supported anymore! And, the cherry on the top of the fucking shitcake that this whole situation is, the Files app, the one that you use to view the stuff on your hard disk? OH, IT JUST GOES AND CRASHES. I can open it! Nothing shows up. No devices work. It's just stuck like that until I reboot my machine.
God... FUCKING damnit, chromeOS.12 -
Uh yeah, the internet connection was dropped for a second while saving an edit of a comment. So I know why it "Whoops"'d.
Android 7.1.2.
1 -
Put one of my devRant stickers on my blue pixel XL.
I uh, am a bit conflicted as to how to photograph this.1 -
-click-
MySQL: 'the table does not exist'
I just fucking made the temp table dude, that's what you literally do in step 1 .... how could it not....
-click-
MySQL 'Records: 1 Duplicates: 0 Warnings: 0'
Me: "Oh there we g---"
-click-
MySQL: 'the table does not exist'
Me: "Hey you just worked!"
-click-
MySQL: 'the table does not exist'
GOD DAMN IT
-click-
-click-
-click-
-click-
-click-
-click-
MySQL 'Records: 1 Duplicates: 0 Warnings: 0'
Me: Uh you're working now?
-click-
MySQL 'Records: 1 Duplicates: 0 Warnings: 0'
-click-
MySQL 'Records: 1 Duplicates: 0 Warnings: 0'
-click-
MySQL 'Records: 1 Duplicates: 0 Warnings: 0'
Guess that API just needed breaking in....3 -
Network manager: administration just canceled our domain registration 2 months before schedule.
Boss: uh.. OK... but can't we make a script to route traffic from www.canceled.com to our server?
Me: that's not how DNS works ( proceed to explain how DNS works )
PS: boss is lead developer... wtf?2 -
Oh so day continued....
My boss just asked me before I left... You know that report we wanted automated, you said you'd get it done by today, is it done yet?
Me: well uh who dragged me into a PROD issue because no one else knows how to investigate... EVEN THOUGH I BUILT AND SHOWED U HOW TO USE THEM... SEVERAL TIMES. (no i didn't say this last but that's what went on in my head).
Oh and I figured out what the issue was... -
"hey good job on the peepeepoopoo server, could you deploy it on this vps?"
Uh sure, i hope you are prepared for my bill at the end of the month for the devops tasks1 -
I was just chatting with my dad. He used to be mostly a C# dev but changed jobs and is now doing mostly Java. He says he likes it better.... Because it doesn't have lambdas/anonymous functions.
Uh.... Java was the first and only language where you can define interface implementations in-line (aka a whole bunch of functions)...
And 1.8 supports lambdas for Interfaces that have a single function...
I bet he'll hate JS... Where functions are can be passed around like objects, ES6 now supports lambdas and await, async... and anonymous functions (apparently they're called arrow functions?)9 -
It's computer science college, and yet :
Them : ... so thats how my project goes ! it's fun!
Me : whoa that's cool, do you use javascript?
Them : ... umm
Me : ...I suppose??
Them : uh, i use node and bulma actually.
WHAT THE FUCK?11 -
let gfInput = '';
try {
gfInput = getInput('Will you marry me? ')
if(gfInput == 'Y'){
// KISS HER
}else{
throw {msg: 'she dumped you.', code: 'red'}
}
} catch( err ) {
//if err.code !== red . just cry but if red... uh oh
if(err.code == 'red'){
// GOTTA DO SOME DAMAGE
let msg = {
sender: 'anonymous',
recipients : ['dad', 'mom', 'brother', 'sister', 'uncle'],
messageBody: '****ntha has been fucking some dude...'
}
sendText(msg);
}
} finally{
// send ****ntha a good bye message
var msg = {
sender: 'pk359',
recipients: ['****ntha'],
messageBody: 'I invite you ****ntha to my wedding with your best friend *licia. PEACE, bit*h'
}
sendText(msg)
}
3 -
I was suggested as a kid to “avoid using too much “uh”s and “umm”s while speaking, especially if giving a speech. It sounds bad.” And I agree.
But now, I see, that people generally don’t fucking care about how they speak. Almost every video on the internet (especially the teaching videos) is full of bloody “uh”s and “umm”s.
It’s okay once or twice, if someone genuinely forgets about something. But why the fuck is it becoming part of people’s way of speaking?
Ruins the whole experience of a video. Even if the video’s contents are actually good.
Pause if you want to, but stop the fucking moaning!7 -
So uh... your computer might be being used for bitcoin mining, and you might not even know it. How do you feel about this? Do you consider the site freeloading off your computer's processing power?
9 -
>Tries to uninstall old version of Visual Studio
>Uninstaller asks to update Visual Studio to continue
... Oh... Uh... That... Doesn't... Make sense? Gee... Thanks?3 -
My Unix class
👨💻using nice looking theme for vs code to edit my bash script
Prof: That's a nice looking theme( he thought it was vim theme)
Me: um.. um.. It's vs code, new guy in a town
Prof: uh! 🤔
Me: ( 5 sec silence) um, It's from Microsoft
Prof: GET OUT!3 -
What's a database? Oh, uh... Think, like, a spreadsheet -- but it makes you wanna kill yourself even harder.4
-
I just saw Kickstarter's blog post about moving over to the Blockchain. They're doing it because, uh, protocols, or something. No joke, here's a direct quote from their post:
"You may have heard of HTTP (Hypertext Transfer Protocol) which helps you browse the web, or SMTP (Simple Mail Transfer Protocol) which helps you send email. Protocols like these make up the unseen infrastructure of the internet. Imagine that, but for crowdfunding creative projects."
What the fuck does that even mean? The rest of the blog post is more of the same. They packed it full of every crypto buzzword they could find while also not actually providing any useful information.
Full article here, if anyone wants to read a headache-inducing pile of nonsense: https://kickstarter.com/articles/...9 -
i'm starting to hate the whole goddamn thing
hating making "content"
hating making "posts"
hating the goddamn screen
hating doing shit that doesn't matter
i want to just do a 3 month sabbatical in indonesia or somewhere... where i just don't have to think or at least put on a facade that i'm thinking
i think i mentioned the last times i took holiday... well let's get started on the last time i took holiday for more than two weeks... uh that would have to be 2019
fuck covid fuck the profit motive fuck chasing everything i quit
ugh10 -
one fucking day of coding
[master bf2b7e5] implement scheduler that process next lbmm every few minutes
29 files changed, 3741 insertions(+), 841 deletions(-)
fuck ya
and its all cleaner than a... uh, something that's really clean4 -
>Running modular program
>One module fails to run
module.start(module.ALL_FAILED)
>Traceback ends with:
>"Your Opus executable is x64, your Python version is x86"
*looks at Raspberry Pi*
"Uh... no?"
>recompiles Opus codec for good measure
>error persists
"Alright, what kinda bullshit..."
>skims file
try:
codecProcessor.load("Opus","libopus-0.dll")
except osError:
errorHandler("processorMismatch")
so, uh... i'm on Linux, so, uh... no. This'll also show this error on Windows if this is missing, too. A simple repoint fixed it, though.2 -
LOL CUSTOMER THAT DATABASE ENTRY DOESN'T 'JUST CHANGE' YOU CRA-----
Uh wait a ...
Oh.....
oh fuck....2 -
So uh, after a gruelling job search, somehow I managed to bypass junior level and became a lead full stack developer on a meaningful project (not at a startup, either). 🤯1
-
> Project does X
< How about you show me how X looks in action
> No
Add fucking images to your project
if there is anything to show off!
Uh I reached 3k, cool.5 -
So, uh... Linux 3DS is going well. It finally boots, turns out it's the SD/MMC driver's issue, not my 3DS dying (phew), but now I have to actually FIX the driver. I thought I fixed it, but no, no, I just entirely broke it so now it doesn't even attempt to load. Fuck me... (These changes are local for now.)
Anyone wanna help?
https://github.com/ParzivalWolfram/...3 -
OK semi rant... Would like suggestions
Boss wants me to figure out someway to find the maximum load/users our servers/API/database can handle before it freezes or crashes **under normal usage**.
HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT WITH 1 PC? The question seems to me to mean how big a DDoS can it handle?
I'm not sure if this is vague requirements, don't know what they're talking about, or they think I can shit gold... for nothing... or I'm missing something (I'm thinking how many concurrent requests and a single Neville melee even with 4 CPUs)
"Oh just doing up some cloud servers"
Uh well I'm a developer, I've never used Chef or Puppet and or cloud sucks, it's like a web GUI, not only do I have to create the instances manually and would have to upload the testing programs to each manually... And set up the envs needed to run it.
Docker you say? There's no Docker here... Prebuilt VM images? Not supported.
And it's due in 2 weeks...11 -
Thursday afternoon. Client gives us the go to deploy the latest release to production.
Friday late afternoon; my colleague - "wait, did we ever deploy"? Me - "uh, nope".
"Alright have a good weekend" -
Even as i type this rant the letters appear after some lag ....
Why is everything so slow ? Uh it's that time again....
4 -
lambda lambda lambda!
So I was tasked with porting a bunch of code to a new set of libraries a few years ago. I didn't have a whole lot of experience with the framework at the time. I just fixed issues with what I thought should be in there. I mean it compiles right?
Fast forward 4 years:
Coworker: Uh, Demo, this printing code doesn't work. A customer is complaining.
Me: I didn't work on that.
Coworker: Yes, you did...
Me: Oh, yeah, I remember that. I just guessed. I didn't know what I was doing back then. It looks like I am not waiting for the printer. I will put a lambda in there to notify when the printer is ready. Then another lambda inside of that to delete objects when that is done. Hey! I put a lambda inside lambda!
Coworker: Thanks, it works now.
Talking to my boss later. I had just explained how I fixed the issue:
Me: I put a lambda inside a lambda! Wait, I have a new goal. Putting a lambda inside a lambda inside a lambda!
Boss: Uh, I am not sure that is a "good" goal...7 -
I label all packages I know are coming as being for a company: Derp Industries. This is from an old in-joke between my friends and I. This tells me whether a package was something I ordered or not from the label (as I often forget I have a package coming.) However, I just got a call from a DHL driver asking me how long we'll be open. I, uh... I told him we close at 8. He said that's perfect, as he has to pick up from the local holding station at 5 and i'm his first stop.
I'm tempted to call back and tell him I'm just a dude living in a trailer...2 -
"Our supplier asks that you double the number of php child processes for this fpm pool"
"Are you aware, that that would lead to about 100% of memory overcommit, taken the current limit of 128MB/child, and that if a lot of them started at once, the system would probably go for OOM-Kill, which would most probably kill your database, that still runs on 100% MyISAM tables that do not support transactions, and you'd have to kiss your data integrity goodbye, right?"
"Uh... Nevermind then"
I get that some people are not IT-versed, but really... Hire someone who knows what they are doing and doesn't live 20 years in the past, god damn it! -
Not really a dev question and was my first interview in a super day (meet with lots of teams) during college.
They're interviewing everyone in short sessions in a large conference room on the 20th floor, with floor to ceiling windows.
Interviewer takes me towards a window and says: would you be willing to jump from here?
Me: uh... No?
I: well I can, here let me show you.
Takes a step onto the ledge in front of the window, turns around and jumps off it.11 -
designer: the distance from the baseline of the letter "p" to the bottom of the box should be 150px exactly. You are 4px off.
me: Erm... baseline?
designer: Yes. Not the "base" or the "beardline". It must be the "baseline" of the font.
me: uh huh....
designer: And it must be the same in all browser, chrome, firefox, internet explorer
me: Orite, lets save the whole Psd and <img src="whole-website.jpg"> Tada!5 -
Me: *opens devTools*
Firefox: yea bro lemme just ..uh.. hmm yeah so this is the css for the element, see?
Me: Thanks.
Me:
Me: this makes no sense, why would I ever do that?
Firefox: also you can't have width on an anchor tag. I can't put that rule into effect
Me: I didn't put any width on your inline element, you sure about that?
Firefox: yea try using display: inline-block
Me: No. I'll just delete that. *checks file*
Me: Maybe that line is wrong because IT DOES NOT FUCKING EXIST!
What is this shit? I just restarted you! What else do you need, a reinstall? Drink too much over the holidays?
It's like the css editor has become a shallow tray with rules on it, and as soon as you bump it a little everything spills over and then Firefox just thinks oops, I've got this font-size: 200% lying around, lemme stick this into the hr tag which makes sense because THERE CAN'T BE ANY TEXT IN IT.
9 -
Public REST (-inspired) API. Should I skip numeric IDs because it's easy for consumers to snoop around?
Example:
POST api/foo
201 Created api/foo/69
Uh, I'll get 68 just because I can. Hopefully it returns Unauthorized, unless we some kind of bug.
Is it just security by obscurity if I use, like, guids or something instead of sequental IDs?17 -
Every single time I try and watch a coding related video on YouTube at the start I hear
'You need a website? Why not do it yourself..'
And I always respond with a sarcastic,
'Uh..why don't you go fuck yourself'
If you know...you know..3 -
That this one component being object orientated is necessary and good design.
We have uh interfaces, theyre contracts.
Spoiler: it wasn't, I could have written it in half the code and half the time. But no, we gotta have those patterns, can't miss on dependency injection!6 -
This is how you become dead to me:
Person: OMG X,Y,Z are happening!?!?! Notify everyone, freak out everybody!!!!!!!!
Me: Uh... have you seen that happen?
Person: No but another person said they did.
Me: ヽ(ಠ_ಠ)ノ1 -
uh-oh, I've made the amazonian gods mad by activating my vpn on my phone at the wrong time at the wrong place. (please don't send delivery drones nuking me)
I thought my alexa routines and other things vanished because of an update of sorts, but it was because it switched to another vpn region, so I've setup the same stuff again only to get like two reminders at the same time they used to be, guess I now have to either stick to the region or deactivate vpn, remove the old reminders and go back lol2 -
I sit in a cubicle and I update bank software for the 2000 switch. You see, they wrote all this bank software and to save space, they put 98 instead of 1998. So I go through these thousands of lines of code and uh, it doesn't really matter. I, uh, I don't like my job. I don't think I'm gonna go anymore.1
-
Anybody else use ellipses somewhat excessively? My GF pointed it out about me and I was like... Sorry.3
-
So, most (if not all) modern operating systems sync their time with some trusted source (like the Internet) right? Windows included. All is well.
When your Windows 10 computers are joined to a domain, it thence relies on your local neighborhood domain controller to tell it the time. Sounds good, since domain controllers Never Go Down, right? All is well.
Services are all being cloud-ified, which means virtual machines. The domain controllers have suffered this fate, but everything is smooth and buttery. All is well.
Wait, the VM's clock is running slow. Uh oh....
Wait, isn't it supposed to ask the Internet?
Well, no. Domain Controllers decide that They Know All, and stop asking the Internet for its opinion.
This causes problems, but only ever so slowly, and it took me noticing all the computers seemed to be ten minutes slow compared to my phone (and well everyone else's phone) to realize what had happened.
Thanks, Windows...9 -
Just needing to vent a bit...
We start off with classic asp.net & Xamarin. K.
Then we run into the shitshow that's lackluster documentation and heavy push for asp.net core.
Whatever, will just handroll things.
K. Azure is quickly turning expensive..
Well let's find alternatives.
Yeah, no Linux ain't gonna work.
Wanna shell out for a windows server? Nah.
K. Well, let's rewrite in asp.net core then.
Nginx proxy passthrough to kestrel. Ez.
Now.. wtf is the deal with mssql behaving like a turd on Linux?
Oh now some security jibber about telemetry and adding Microsoft keys to root.
Whatever. I can do PHP & MariaDB then.
1001 things wrong about Xamarin now.
Mostly performance related.
Especially cuz custom renderers for everything.
& Abused onPropertyChanged.
Uh la la, look at that sexy thing called react native.
Hippytyhop new tool for the job.
Ugh wee, what's this ? Customer impatient & deadline for months worth in Xamarin => 1 week.
Whelp I be fudge..6 -
Virgin Powerbeats™ pro:
- can’t even fit into your pocket, you have to buy special iPants™ with bigger pockets, that would be $1499, thank you
- have buttons so finicky and annoying that you’re really better off with a touch area
- silicone tips deteriorate and are prone to stay inside your ears. Uh oh, anyone but certified iOtholaryngologists™ aren’t authorized to remove them or else they would be put to Apple Jail™. The removal would be $499 per ear, thank you
- you have to be a PhD topologist to figure out how to put them back into their case
- uh oh, one bud just randomly stopped working because of a design flaw in our case, that’s User Error™, would you like to pay for a replacement with your Apple Card™?
- a feel of greasy deteriorating clamshell
Chad Jabra Elite
- a feel of a brass zippo, magnets are just perfect
- firm, real buttons. Improve then just one level and you got the feel of IBM Model M
- you press a button and you hear whatever mics are picking, no need to ever pull them out
- most comfortable buds I’ve ever tried
- small case fits into pockets of my tight booty shorts just fine
- waterproof
- sounds better than anything Noble Audio have ever done
Beats suck i guess 🤷
6 -
Hey, uh, fuck reviving legacy projects. Intern here looking at the shit I have to do and pretty much everything's deprecated by now so yeah fuck that I guess.5
-
FUCK YOU PYTHON. Why you do that to me, uh?
I was using a CNN to classify hand poses and the prediction was not working at all, one class was given 100% all the time. After much investigation, I found the culprit... A FUCKING INDENT was messing my data. Normalization was inside the loop and not outside, so my pixel values were wayyyyy too small...
Also, I'm really dumb, I should have started with making sure everything was right before trying to fiddle with my architecture..
Anyway, it is working now, you can it out here if you want! https://github.com/MrEliptik/...13 -
So you're telling me that you have no documentation, and your app business logic is made on only observables?
Uh no thanks. -
So burnt out.
The worst sort of burn out is when your excited and you still wanna go but you can't seem to get your body to anymore.
Even on a forced break I seem to be thinking product.
I always thought it was so cool in movies where the coder is working there and sleeping there and eating there and chilling there.
Thanks to covid - I've first hand experienced this.
Oh and uh, I fuckin hate it.
I wanna go out.
I miss my coworking space with all the other idiots around me!
I miss eating out!
I miss going out for a beer!
Oh sweet beer how I miss the sweet breweries where I'd get fleeced for a pint!
Take my moniez! Pliz!
Just someone find a vaccine!
Ffs5 -
Group assignment: writing a own Java logger component in a group of four, using nothing else than Java SE libraries, Maven and Jenkins. The software must be able to substitute the logger component without recompilation, just by editing the config.xml (setting jar file path and fully qualified class name of the logger).
I asked around on Slack which group is ready for a component exchange, so that we could test the switch. I found another group and I started doing some testing.
Then I got a `java.lang.NoClassDefFoundError: org/apache/log4j/Logger`. I got in touch with my peer from the other group and asked him, if they've been using log4j. Apparently they did, so I told him that the assignment was to write a logger of one's own, not just using log4j. Then he told me: "Uh, ok, I'm going to tell the guy responsible for the logger part about that..."
X-D -
This is a real history..
So i went to my friend’s party.. and he invited this hot girl.. (u know the girl that would never talk to any programmer)..
so she started asking me about programming, maths, software...
and I was like wtf.. is this real? (because u guys know that this is impossible jaja)
Actually, we spent all night talking about it..
for some reason she started hanging out with me and my friend..
now we are dating.. kind of crazy uh?
(she is an engineer btw)4 -
Trying to use docker for the first time, and getting nowhere. I think I'm actually unlearning how to use a computer.1
-
Fix for bug x
Fix 2 for bug x
Final fix for bug x
Really final fix for bug x
Another fix for bug x
...
Fix 59 fit bug x
....
As the gf egg bf egg Jr DG DG r
Rf we j RF at uh xD egg GB g2 -
Thursday
Project Manager: Reckon we can get a demo/status update tomorrow?
Friday:
*status update*
Project Manager: Alright great
Monday 1pm:
*basically a shit tonne of noise all morning, can't get anything done*
Project Manager: Reckon we can get a status update right now?
*status update*
Project Manager: Alright, reckon you can demo it on Friday?
Me: Uh...
Project Manager: Ok, let's aim for a demo anyway.
Research Lead: Great!
Org Lead: How is everything going?
Me: I don't like how Project Manager micromanages.
Org Lead: Ahhh, yes, but it was me that asked him to manage like this
Me internally:
What's 65 - 28? Oh yeh, 37 more years of this. Is there a way I can kill myself painlessly?10 -
DB team: We will have someone reach out to you and set up a call for your database support request.
Me: *this will suck...some dude with a super strong accent, audio that sounds like crap on a 56k modem, and horns beeping in the background*
DB team: The support engineer is actually from your same area.
Me: Nice! *maybe an American*
DB engineer: "uh yes ello dish is ramajadeshava and I will be supporting each and every request"
Me: *fuck...but at least there's no horns in the background*1 -
Uh so I might be getting a job at a local coffee shop while I go through college. I’ve never had a job before so idk if I’m doing the right thing or if I’m rushing into it.5
-
Today:
Well, this data has been wrong since ... uh forever....
Well, how bad can it be, the company is still afloat and nobody has complained?
*fix*
*fix*
*fix*
-creeps away slowly-
2 -
Read. Everything. CAREFULLY.
And do some research if needed.
Books are there for a reason.
Seems pretty obvious, uh? -
Went out for a night of food and drinks and came across one of those little screens/kiosks with what I assume is Windows 10 and TeamViewer running o.o and the credentials open to the public. What makes it even worse is that all the screens in the area I live are connected to the same account. D:
-
Well this is interesting:
https://slate.com/technology/2024/...
Will be interesting to see what happens here. I knew there was a jack up on prices for accessories. Never imagined it would be a lawsuit. I wonder if there is any collusion by Apple and Google to keep other phone makers out of markets? It seems like most phones are either iPhone or Android based. Maybe that part is organic.2 -
Hey, uh. What's the status on that seafaring devrant ball?
The project kinda just disappeared out of thin air.3 -
Just saw that the University of Hawaii has a Collaborative Software Development Lab, I think that's one of the more useful things in university
-
So uh- DevRant for iOS doesn't let me select text. Why? I want to google all these fancy terms I'm hearing.2
-
Uh... Remember Google Glasses
Weren't there privacy concerns? Or is it OK of Facebook did it?
Just nobody trusted Google... But everyone likes Facebook?
15 -
Making magic machine learning stuff. Also t-shirts and shorts should be allowed. And free food. Uh what else... My own office1
-
Grab ya keyboards, when you see a bug
Call the dev, when you see a bug, uh
Who shot me, but ya QAs didn't finish
Now ya bout to feel the wrath of a menace
Dev, I debug em' up
Coder Shakur - Debug Em Up -
Uh oh, watch out for the latest security issue in Atlassian products ...
https://confluence.atlassian.com/ji...3 -
So I had this conversation yesterday while fixing yet another Windows laptop for someone else.
Other Guy = OG
Me = Me (Duh)
OG: So what are your plans after your apprenticeship?
Me: Uh, I'll probably start somewhere that's e-commerce related, kinda like my current company but somewhere else.
OG: Uh have you thought about being your own boss?
Me: Well yeah, but I wouldn't know how to attract customers and shit
-- This is the moment shit gets real
OG: OH BTW I heard that Germany is lacking AI developers, you should do that! It earns you shitloads of cash!
Me: Uhm.. well, that might be true b-
OG: There's no but dude, it's free money, you're smart.. I mean you can fix any computer, right? AI will be just as easy
Me: It's not like-
OG: Duh, don't make yourself look so bad I know you can do it!
Me: B..But I'm not interested in it at all
*silence for 5 seconds*
OG: Well.. I guess you do you then
After that we continued to have random chit-chat about his job and experience (He's a mechanic)
God I hate when people throw buzzwords around and try to convince other people to do what *they* want.
No, I don't want to develop a structure of 1000 ifs/elses, I'd rather keep doing what I'm doing, thanks!6 -
That moment when you realize you've basically been having a protracted anxiety attack for two months. Should uh...build character or something, right?
-
So my vapes coil wick just gave out and leaked through my satchel... And covered my Chromebook...
Anyone feel like cleaning out vape oil from a Chromebook, not prepared to deal with this sort of oily hell!6 -
!dev
Needing to (re)move all my organised crime, uh, notes and stuff for the cleaning lady.
And having to tell them everytime they don't need to clean my damn keyboard and mouse as they'll ruin the traction pads and fill up the keys with fluids.. -
App Developer - Today, I have published an app for saving anyone's work routine.....plz download it from play store
Web Developer - Sure! I will and I also have a website for my business. You should visit it once
App Developer - What is your monthly income?
Web Developer - About $2100
App Developer - Uh! mine will be more than urs if it reaches more than 100K downloads
Web Developer - Sure!
(1 year later)
App Developer - Oh Shit! I forgot to add ads using admob......earned only $52 -
I teach one night a week at a local college. It makes my company look real good having a a developer who also teaches.
Tell me why they would implement a new policy barring me from using my skills outside of work? This only hurts them. Like, do they think I can walk up to the dean and drop the class as if I am a student? Uh, I will literally have to be in violation of this policy for the rest of the semester.
Scheduled time later to discuss a new job.3 -
This year when I started highschool because I'm at the, uh, math-comp sci, I guess, profile.
(Here in Romania there are highschool profiles that add specific objects to be learned, also math-comp sci is the only translation I can think of for mate-info)2 -
A step aside from one of the answers I ever gave on Stack Overflow, I notice I once made a "jsfiddle".
Already some annoyances...
• When did browsers, uh webkit, decide to fuck every "ul", "menu", and "dir" element with a "-webkit-padding-start" of 40 damn pixels?
• That friggin' fiddly webshite doesn't even force me to HTTPS, bro. Need a reason to fuck yourself in the vulnerable ass?
• Why is it that I can't log in with my tiny four-letter nickname; you identity-fuckers?
-
Reading fine print FTW... Samsung Galaxy Watch features only work with Galaxy phone...
Yes uh.. no...1 -
Trying to build a ros workspace inside VMware...
Called up the teammate who put it together:
Me: hey the workspace isn't building for me, do I need to setup anything before I type "make"?
Him: nah dude just type make and ur good, why what error are you getting?
Me: *describes error*
Him: oh lol I never got that error before, idk maybe your machine is just dumb
Me: *uh ok sure dude* let me try some other stuff
*Boots to native install of Ubuntu*
*Build successful*
Me: oh huh that's weird it built on my native installation but not on the VM
Him: oh lol that's not my problem
Seriously dude? First off, screw you Ros for not being able to build in a VM. Secondly, it's entirely your problem! Linux is nice to use, sure, but it's a bit of a problem when the entire team runs off Mac!
😲😲😲😣😥😫😓 -
[semi-rant, kinda-story]
Day two: Managed to persuade IntelliJ IDEA into, uh, functioning.
Although it still does funky stuff like trying to force JDK v6 for bytecode compiled from Kotlin (the project's not even legacy spaghetti and JDK v6 isn't even installed).
Still had a few problems while setting up the rest of the local dev environment of the project I'm assigned to (which has been caused by documentation accidentally being followed in the wrong order, which I updated in turn, in order to prevent other people from doing the same mistake), but now I can finally work on tickets!
I love that not all tickets are marked as urgent or important, only a few!
Now the fun begins 😎2 -
Dialogflow documentation is ABSOLUTE TRASH. Trying to run the example code? It gives you a super helpful error: `Unexpected error determining execution environment`. Uh, yes, indeed. What it means? IT MEANS THAT YOU PROVIDED NO CREDENTIALS. Because, as we all know, providing no credentials should end in an error of 'determining execution environment', of fucking course.
You want to know how to provide credentials? Think again, all examples in the ENTIRE DOCUMENTATION assume that you're running the code... from their servers. Seriously. You wanna know how to authenticate your shit? NOT IN THIS DOCUMENTATION, LOSER. You want to know what exactly is happening when you're initializing your client with `new dialogflow.SessionsClient()`? Good luck, documentation is on another platform. For .NET. Because fuck you.
Also, you think you can store your auth info in a neat .env file? THINK AGAIN, because google is above such petty things as industry standards, you're getting a .json file and you're gonna like it, HAVE FUCKING FUN.
Dear google, die in a fire.
Sincerely yours.1 -
Hey ranters!
Okay so uh, do you know about LFSRs (Linear Feedback Shift Registers)?
You may wish to tell me else burn me to a toast xD1 -
This has nothing to do wiv developing stuff this site was created for. I just wanted to make a short public statement and there really isn't any place else to say it without the idea that some oik would infantalize it and make fun.
It goes under the heading of something like, "Personal Irony: I'm Not Codependent, I'm Just Trying to Help [Myself]!"
In 2016 I created a playlist that included REM's "Let Me In," Michael Stipe's song to Kurt Cobain. And "Head Down", and "Black Hole Sun," by Soundgarden. I have a good singing voice, I think it's a baritone. But those notes at the end of BHS, you know, "Won't you come?" When you sing it, you pronounce the lyric: WOAN CHOO CU-UH-UHM, the "UH-" dropping an octave into "UHM." It's particular to my range that dropping that note requires discipline and concentration. And even then I'd say I've sung it 100 times and nailed it to my satisfaction maybe twice. Anyway, I had these two songs as a playlist in my media player. I listened to them and sang along as quietly as I could, it being four a.m. here in Seattle. And as the final notes of BHS fragmented and skipped back into eternity, I felt like total shit. Not at all normal for me to personally feel the loss of an entertainer, but at that moment I did feel sad. That's it. Thanks for reading this odd little collection of words.1 -
Mark: hey guys I wanted to connect with you all (on FB) and have a quick chat before the meeting.
Cook, Pichai, Bezos: ok, mhhm... what's up?
Mark: yes so I think we gonna be in for a grilling so want make sure we minimize the damage.
All: uhhm....
Mark: I'm suggesting we agree on the order which we join the webex so we don't look bad..
Pichai, Cook: I don't get it...
Bezos: ... oh I think I get it.... you mean appearing as FAAG?
Cook: hmm..
Pichai: what's that?
Mark: not important but anyway... The solution is simple.
Bezos: yes Sundar just login first and I guess can send us all push notifications to our phones.
Pichai: hm... Ok... Wouldn't this get us in trouble though.... This sounds like collusion...
Mark: ok guys... Uh let's just end it here then... This chat Never happened...
-
So I’m learning JavaScript but with every project I’m delayed because I have to make the page for the project and it irks me because I hate front end. DONT ASK WHY IM LEARNING FRONT END SHIT ALRIGHT? Anyhoo uh yeah no this shit is holding me back because I want to do web dev for web applications but developing the front end is such a fucking hassle. Like creating divs for the apps to look how I want while being basic as shit and I know JS is for front end and I get that and it’s fun to play with but I just wanna get to the programming you know? I’m not a designer I’m just trying to get better at programming and have fun. And also fuck those times I changed something and it literally should have changed but IT FUCKING DIDNT!2
-
My client wants great quality and time consuming code
And wants to pay least 😧😑
Defaq i still gonna do it but uh...2 -
PO: "Remember guys, protect your scope!"
.. moments later, after the PO meeting..
PO: "I want you to do user story x but I want it changed this way"
me: "Ok"
*pling* notification: PO changed jira story
*I work on it for a few hours*
me: "Is this what you wanted?"
PO: "Yeah, actually I made up my mind. I want you to implement it totally different and scrap what you added now"
me: "Thanks for wasting my time bro"
me: *codes*
.. a few hours later, mid-coding..
PO: "Uh, yeah, changed my mind. The way you did it now is ok, but I want something else added"
*3 iterations of the same crap later*
me: "Sigh, make up your minds!"5 -
So uh does anyone have any advice on freelancing/contracting? I’ve been considering doing it a little while going through college since it would be a little better than a full on job (or at least for my current situation) I’m realizing, but I have concerns like the myths I hear about clients, or with my own performance, or just the pay in general.
Idk what do you guys have to say4 -
https://youtube.com/watch/...
Uh yeah have fun
And my fucking mail server still does not get through most of spam filters even though DKIM, SPF and DMARC pass -
Okay this is gonna sound weird just hear me out.
I feel a massive difference when programming on a desktop compared to my laptop.
I prefer using a desktop so much compared to my laptop. I usually have to plug my laptop into a monitor for the past year, and I can’t use my desktop because it’s currently, uh, let’s say inoperable.22 -
Dejar A.I. who's about to rule the world:
If you steal my job I'll have to go back working as waiter and I hate it more than I hate grub updates. Please, consider to preserve my job as sysadmin and, in exchange I will rat out all my contacts with suspicious non digital activities. If I loose my job I'll be forced to do something drastic, like tell everyone you've been created by Steve Jobs. Let's be nice to each other, uh? -
Sitting at my desk, happy tapping away at code, and one of our newer team members asks a general question (4 of us in the office)....
"Uh.. how do I undo a git revert?"
🤔🤦
FML... Very much looking forward to leaving this place next year.5 -
Customer calls, "my steaming provider just called and told us were running in unprotected mode with DRM disabled" , I reply "uh what? I'm on it!" Few minutes later I see that all lines related to DRM are commented out in latest build, git blame points to the new recruit... Calling back to the customer and make up some weird reason to why this was disabled and apologize.1
-
Ugh. Been working on a huge React component that's now dependant on another co-workers PR, and had this one open for like a week. Go to merge and one of the fucking useless reviewers decides that *now* is the best time to flag everything wrong with my code!
I get it, it's good feedback, but uh... Could you not have done this a FUCKING WEEK AGO instead of RIGHT BEFORE I GO TO MERGE?!
Prick.2 -
Can't find a good dev internship here, sure imma move out. Trying to move out, nuuh u uh, you need a years experience to get a resident-work permit in any good country that's got dev internships. Now do I go in as a master's student or what now :(4
-
Need some advice on RAM,
So I’ve a laptop with 8GB ram and I am planning on a upgrade, now if I remember correctly I CAN add a 16Gig stick and it’ll be 24gig, but is it a good call to have different sized ram.
PS. Suggest a ram
Current RAM : HMA81GS6AFR8N-UH
Hynix
P.P.S - I’ll obviously add RAM of the same frequency10 -
"...what I'm looking at... uh... wait this is ridiculous... what is this... how do I update this..."
This new guy I'm supposed to bring up to speed constantly mumbles like this. He's just talking to himself. But it's so annoying that it's like he's constantly asking me questions.2 -
We have had 2 days on intermittent internet literally we have 5minutes of down time then 15-25seconds of the internet working. How can a tech company be expected to function like this!1
-
Called in for an interview for graphic design, didn't get it. Same company contacts me a few months later for a web design opening. I get the job. They were behind on graphic design work, so my first few months were helping them to catch up. One day they asked how the web site was going. I was like, uh, you've been scheduling me graphic design since I started. It took a few more months to get my plate cleared completely but I was able to finally build out their site and a photo appointment scheduler that we could all love.
-
Customer pays an extra charge ($) for using a thing over time. Unlike some customers this charge isn't broken out separately anywhere is and actually it is hidden in an overall bill / number they receive that is just a non itmized sum of a bunch of stuff...
They want an accurate number.
This request came up in a meeting and it was so bonkers that it had to be repeated like 8x ;)
The repetition isn't so bad really as at least it indicates everyone was all "uh wait wut!!?!?" -
Uh so I can’t really find a clear answer to this but, can you program iOS apps with C# or not because I’m only seeing shit on fuckin Swift. More like swiftly beating myself to death with a wooden bat6
-
My friend brought up me copy writing my file transferring code and my response was “uh.. I was gonna just throw it on Github”.
So rip that -
hr- "so why are looking to switch from X"
me- "well i currently work in b2b domain amd i really want to work on B2C product where millions of users are being impacted"
hr- "yeah we also have premium companies as users and b2b work is not much different than b2c. what else?"
me- "uh umm, also i saw the opening for a journalism company , so i was very tempted to apply as i always
wanted to work for jo-"
hr- "the opening is for p, a subdomain of our company which is a music player"
me- "umm that's okay. i guess i like listening to music as well 😅 . also i wanted to work nearby to my home"
hr- "yeah that's the real reason. your current company is asking you to come to their city"
me- "no they are still remote!" (they aren't)
hr- "i will connect you with another person. please be negotiable"
🥺😭 mann i am so much out of the game i am embarrassing myself over a phone call. can't even answer a stupid why question4 -
Uh... What? This is for Live Transcribe... Why would I want to hide it?
Interestingly though, I now can't uninstall it... Maybe it became a system app with the last upgrade (Pixel phone)
3 -
Uh, oh. Helping finish a project heavy on forms. Notice that everything is straight up jQuery to pull and push every single individual input value. Not a form tag in sight. But there are tables. Tables are everywhere.
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