Girlfriend: "My computer is so slow!"

Me: "Have you tried turning it off and then on again?"

Girlfriend: "That's not funny, I actually need help."

Me: "Okay babe, I know you think I'm being an ass right now or tying to be funny, but honest to god half of what pays rent here and buys you so many flowers is me telling people to turn something of and then on again. Just try it."

Girlfriend: *Restarts computer*... "You were right..."

Agile my ass. Stand ups should not take 40 min.

Started talking with someone about general IT stuff. At some point we came to the subject of SSL certificates and he mentioned that 'that stuff is expensive' and so on.

Kindly told him about Let's Encrypt and also that it's free and he reacted: "Then I'd rather have no SSL, free certificates make you look like you're a cheap ass".

So I told him the principle of login/registration thingies and said that they really need SSL, whether it's free or not.

"Nahhh, then I'd still rather don't use SSL, it just looks so cheap when you're using a free certificate".

Hey you know what, what about you write that sentence on a whole fucking pack of paper, dip it into some sambal, maybe add some firecrackers and shove it up your ass? Hopefully that will bring some sense into your very empty head.

Not putting a secure connection on a website, (at all) especially when it has a FUCKING LOGIN/REGISTRATION FUNCTION (!?!?!?!!?!) is simply not fucking done in the year of TWO THOUSAND FUCKING SEVENTEEN.

'Ohh but the NSA etc won't do anything with that data'.

Has it, for one tiny motherfucking second, come to mind that there's also a thing called hackers? Malicious hackers? If your users are on hacked networks, it's easy as fuck to steal their credentials, inject shit and even deliver fucking EXPLOIT KITS.
Oh and you bet your ass the NSA will save that data, they have a whole motherfucking database of passwords they can search through with XKeyScore (snowden leaks).

Motherfucker.

Tech industry: "We need thousands upon thousands of engineers!"*

* With a minimum of 5 years+ experience in about 30 technologies, able to do magic and ride unicorns while working 28 hours pr day just for the lolz of it. We do not provide training, courses or certifications of any kind. You are supposed to be able to pull those out of your ass yourself!

I accidentally open eclipse (Java code) during a demo.

The same smart ass Einstein's cousin business guy : Oh that is SQL, I have learnt it.. it was too simple for me that is why I decided not to be a developer

Me : You are lucky it's Friday

Anyone else getting used to seeing certain usernames in devRant? We may not have "friends" like Facebook, but is still a kick ass community 😃

This is the first FUCKING time i succesfully made a responsive site without any frameworks on my own, and i couldnt be more proud.

I mean the design sucks ass but thats not the point.

The next person who calls the server disruption/emergency line for something that is NOT related to a server wide issue/outage is going to get a rusty pipe with fucking sambal up their fucking ass.

I am so fucking done with this bullshit.

There is no need to ever put your greasy-ass nasty fingers on my screen, it may not look expensive or nice but I don't want to deal with your fingerprints all over it.

Oddly enough, it's comforting to hear other devs mumble "mother fucker" or "what the fuck, you stupid piece of ass" when working on things.

It means I'm not alone and we can all suffer together 🤗

So I've got a friend learning Java, using Eclipse.
I walk in one day and see him restarting his computer. I make nothing of it. Few minutes later, he's restarting again.
I jokingly say "Windows update?"
He responds with the straightest face ever: "No, compiling code."

Apparently he thought you needed to restart the computer before compiling.
Not sure if I should be mortified or laughing my ass off.

>be me
>graduate
>find job with a start-up
>offer me 1% share as signup bonus
>why the hell not
>make 50 dollars/hour
>lowkey they didn't give me any real work
>only had to write some simple ass JS functions for the website
>asked boss to work from home
>he accepted
>tfw i get paid to play games, watch tv shows and write the occasional shitty ass piece of code for 50 dollars/hour
>that's about 1 AAA game/hour

Stay in school. Get your degree, kids.

Just downloaded some big ass codebase and the first line i read is:

"// The source code is not well documented, but every advanced programmer will be able to understand it after some time."

Well... let's find out about your definition of "some time", Dickhead!

DO YOU EVEN CARE ABOUT MENTAL HEALTH

FUCKING DICKSHIT THE WORLD DOESN'T NEED YOU, THE WORLD DOESN'T WANT YOU. YOU SHOULD HAVE SUFFOCATED STRANGLED BY YOUR MOM'S VAGINA. HOLY SHIT "Im sO HapPy tO LEarN prOgRAmmiNg" YOU ARE NOT FUCKING LEARNING ANYTHING IF YOU END UP WITH A 3000 LINES SINGLE FILE YOU ARE JUST SMASHING YOUR DEAD PARENTS ON THE KEYBOARD LITTLE SICK PIDGEON RAPER. FUCKING BACHELOR STUDENT OF MY ASS HANG YOURSELF.

When did “responsive“ web design become synonymous with “huge f*cking images, big ass captions and needing to scroll vertically forever“?!

Although sites like that may look good on tiny mobile screens, on desktop screens they are just freaking me out. I am not blind, nor am I too stupid a visitor to handle denser paragraphs of text in a more sophisticated kind of layout! Geez...

"Oh, I reverted your changes because I did not understand them"
I SPENT THE WHOLE DAY REFACTORING YOUR SHITTY SPAGUETTI SHIT U LAZY PIECE OF SHIT !
But I guess being a senior guy entitles u to sit your fat fuck ass in your chair writting garbage all day long.
Btw what he did not understand was f strings. In python. Srsly. How is that arrogant incompetent prick paid at least 10k more than me

You know what I realized we should always say no for demo driven application development.

We should always ask for enough time do a proper development and if its not enough, shouldn’t write a single line.

Because once we deliver a working demo. Its release ready for them because its FUCKING WORKING..

And trying to explain why this is just a demo and cant be put to production is even bigger pain in the ass than saying no in the beginning.

LESSON LEARNED .

got a mail 10 minutes after I finished a 10h shift that my contract won't be refreshed after 4 years ripping my ass off for this fucked up organization. apparently not because of lack of competence but of personal reasons. that's what you get for not being a sheep and having an opinion. my (ex)boss didn't even have the balls to say it to my face.
fuck them! I don't need people like that around me - neither in my spare time nor at work - and I wish them all the worst.
happy holidays motherfuckers!

Well fuck me in the ass and call me Charlie.

I just had to bare witness to 2 years worth of files being deleted due to a minor.. well.. minor in the sense of not checking for an empty string, but massive fucking bug.

Thank all the gods of all the religions for backups!!

STUPID SHIT ASS EMAIL POLICIES NOT ALLOWING ME TO SEND CERTAIN FILE TYPES TO A SUPPORT MEMBER WHEN THERE ARE FUCKING PROBLEMS WITH THE PRODUCTION SITE. THE GUY THAT SET UP THOSE POLICIES CAN ROLL THEM UP AND STICK THEM IN HIS ASS.

There that's better...

No... No... No!

The game engine is not in charge of code optimisation, if your program runs like ass; it is 99% going to be your fault...

Sick of seeing people judge engines because of the poorly optimised things made in them by half assed developers... Why do the good things never get any attention where the shit gets all of it... Why?!

(Just had someone crack the shits at me because I'm not using a 'real' engine and am not a a 'real' developer because I'm not using unreal... So I'm in a fan-fucking-tastic mood after that :-D)

Fuck those who cover their incompetence with complexity. Fuck those who fall for their shitty tricks. Fuck you for depriving me of any sense of accomplishment with overcomplicating everything to show how smart you are when you are not. Fuck you for creating a culture of overthinking egoism instead of shipping and finding out who was right. FUCK YOU IN THE ASS YOU BIKESHEDDING, MOTHERFUCKING CUNTS!

Can we all take a moment to appreciate what a complete mess web technologies are.

We're abusing a markup language made for scientific writing, by styling it with css and in order to make it dynamic somehow, we run a weird ass scripting language on the clientside.

Because nobody really wants to use this burning garbage can, some of us invented web frameworks.

And let's not get started on php...

People say programmers are no fun!! But they don't know the truth.

We have big Ass container of emotions almost ready to explode anytime. We are spending too much time in debugging stuff one after another that having a free time is just a hoax to us, even when we came back home for sleep, it's only to dream about solution. We would be happy with debugging the error that is not letting us sleep for weeks.

FUCKING FUCK JAVASCRIPT AND IT'S FUCKING 10000 DEVDEPENDENCIES.

LET ME FUCKING CODE AND WRITE TESTS AND NOT SPEND FUCKING ONE FUCKITY FUCK WEEK TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO FUCKING MAKE MOCHA AND KARMA PLAY WITH FUCKING ES6 CODE YOU FUCKING FUCKTARD PIECE OF SHIT TECH.

I NO LONGER FUCKING KNOW WHICH PACKAGES I FUCKING NEED AND WHICH I FUCKING DON'T FUCKING DUMBFUCK FUCKWIT OPEN AND HACKABLE MY BROWN ASS PIECE OF TECHNOLOGY STACK.

FUCK WEB3, FUCK CRYPTO, FUCK NFTS, FUCK ALL THIS PONZI ASS BIG BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YOU WHOEVER MADE THJS!!!! THE ONLY ONES WHO PROFIT ARE NOT THE ONES WHO BUY CRYPTO OR JPEGS BUT THE ONES ON TOP OF THIS PYRAMID WHO CREATED IT!!!!! MIGHT AS WELL CODE MY OWN PYRAMID COIN/JPEG AND SELL IT TO SUCKERS!!!!!!!! FCKK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

The three indicators you have spent to much time on devRant while being on the toilet:

0: You reached the post from the last day.
1: Your legs fell asleep.
2: You forgor whether you have to wipe your ass or not.

Fuck Google Chrome and fuck you too MSI...
Why the hell would you not allow me to register my motherfucking MSI motherboard without installing Chrome first.

We are now at this point where Web Devs are refusing to make a simple shitty html form work unless it is running in Google Chrome...

You know what? Shove a big fat horse dildo up your ass.. I'm not registering this piece of shit and if I find the dev behind this, I will shove the entire MoBo up their ass without lube just to watch them scream in pain and agony.

instead of ranting why php sucks or your co-worker being an ass in coding, why not have some of this?

I think Gihub/intellij has spoiled me. Whenever I get discounts or free stuff as a student/employee and it's not either completely free or 99.99% off I feel cheated.

Product - Oh you are a student? Here's $990 of this $1000 software, enjoy.

Me - Not completely free!? I'll take my cheap ass elsewhere thank you.

*Disclaimer - work percs are awesome plz no fire Mr. Bossman if you see this*

THE UNITY API IS SUCH A PILE OF UTTER FUCKING DOGSHIT I CANNOT BELIEVE IT

EVERY FUCKING TUTORIAL IS OUTDATED SINCE LIKE FOUR YEARS

THE FUCKING REFERENCE OFTEN DOESN'T EVEN LIST THE NEEDED ARGUMENTS SO HAVE TO GOOGLE AGAIN

"MOST FRIENDLY ENGINE" MY ASS

GRAAAAAHHHH
NOT TO FORGET THAT ALL EXPLAINING VIDEOS WERE MADE IN 2011 AND ALL VIDEOS ARE PLASTERED WITH ANNOTATIONS SINCE EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT

Architect of this building is so stupid. The toilet lights are triggered by movement. But they are not hanging in the toilet itself. Im wiping my ass with my flashlight on now…

No, css is not evil, that God forsaken mother fucking useless piece of horse shit wanking ass fucking whore framework known as bootstrap is.

Mood:
- Currently coughing my lungs out, I'm not working tomorrow to keep my colleagues safe
- Cat is purring on my shoulder
- Listening to some dope ass synthwave
- Updating the JetBrains IDEs so that I can work on something to busy my mind
- It's 3:45 AM.

Not really a dev habit, but a habit many devs have.
My beyond fucked up sleep schedule.
SLEEP CAN
SUCK
MY
ASS

I've woken up at 8 and went to sleep at 12 for two days, and I'm beyond happy with the purely accidental progress I've made, really hope to not fuck it up this time like always.

Another non programming related rant although kinda tech related.
So I work in a distribution center and today I learned box packing.

1. THEIR LEGACY ASS SYSTEM ONLY RUNS ON IE (FUCK ME IN THE ASS SIDEWAYS PLEASE).
2. SYSTEM CONSTANTLY FREEZES.
3. THE HAND SCANNERS RUN ON AN OLD FUCKING LEGACY WINDOWS (PRE 2000 I THINK) SYSTEM AND IS SLOW AS MOTHERFUCKING HELL.

Yes, it is VERY frustrating to have to work with this FUCKING SHIT THE WHOLE MOTHERFUCKING DAY.

Plus side today, the locations I had to pick from today included 200, 403 and 404. Had loads of inside jokes about not being able to find locations and not having permission etc 😆

I just had my worst hackathon so far and need to puke my whole toxic hatred, the rant will be full of hate so be warned. (I just don't want to let it go on my girlfriend, but I need to shout it out loud somewhere)

First of all, it is alright to be a beginner at a hackathon. It is also alright to not know that much about coding and want to learn. But it is not alright to lie about your skill, pretend to be a senior programmer and waste my fucking time.

Don't even fucking dare to say your are "fit" in Android development if you just have done some foobar tutorial on YouTube, don't even bother to read the document and have literally non existent knowledge about computer science.

Why the fucking hell do you need to pretend to be a seasoned programmer if you are just a bloody beginner? I mean you are in a hackathon full of computer nerds so soon or later your impostor ass will be debunked so what is the point?

And the other guy. Why the fucking hell did.'t you say that you just begin Python for 3 months? You are not a fucking developer if you just started coding for 3 fucking months. Learn some fucking coding before starting with machine learning you fucking punk ass bitch script kiddie.

Alright, maybe I was too naive to not check my teammates' background before make a team with them. Fuck me and my fucking stupid ass. My dumb ass monkey brain fell for big mouths, I deserved the headache right now and none less.

Lesson learned!

>be someone on DevRant
>make a post unironically telling people not to tell me what to do
>don't realise that telling people to not do something is the same as telling people what to do
>basically be hypocrite
>get comments trying to explain why I'm a hypocrite
>tell commenters they're hypocrites and that this is the reason I made the post
>shove my head in my ass because I'm offended
>stop responding to comments because I'm ignorant like that
>pic related
>it's me when I wrote the post telling people not to tell me what to do.

Not a rant.

Whoever came with the idea to implement an automatic restore point in Windows... BLESS YOU!!

Just had some problems and the PC won't boot. I entered the troubleshooting option and saw that there was an restore point from 22 this month. Just saved my ass.

WHY THE FUCKING FUCK CAN FUCKING DESIGNERS NOT FUCKING DESIGN TO FUCKING STANDARDS.

Do they have to just piss all over photoshop and expect us developers to turn their insanity into something that doe snot make us fucking cringe.

To top it off its some old ass legecy product bloated up with that useless peice of shit bootstrap, guess they forgot to mention that to the designer too, not that it would of made any difference with this pile of shit he churned out.

the fuck kind of manager are you that you tell your leads not to fucking answer their damn phones when services need restoring????? If your fucking team member can do his damn job like a grown ass adult, but sees that you (his lead) made a change and has questions, your ass better answer the phone, or i will rocket launch it up your ass, straight into your brain so it's the newest, latest, fucking hippest trend and hooked into your system so you answer every fucking call hands-free. Even when fucking "Windows Tech Support" calls you every 30 minutes because your keep expired.

There are people counting on you, worthless fuckwipe. Get. The. Fuck. Over. Yourself. And do your fucking job.

Edit: phone tried to censor me

Waking up at 5 fucking AM to fly my ass all the way across the country to Vegas on a fucking Saturday. For vacation you may ask? NO! FOR WORK! Just so I can sit in a conference room all fucking week and work there instead.

Oh no... I’m not attending the conference either. I have to provide support for the fucking ticketing systems!

So a company I'm working at has this internal product. I just got employed and was put into that team.

"First task: refactor some of the code"

Alright, I start refactoring. Oh I may need to write a small class for this one. And then rewrite this a bit. And then rewrite that a bit. And then rewrite everything.

"Why are you rewriting most of my code?"

oh i would not have needed to do so if your code was not COMING OUT OF YOUR ASS and if all the teams had FREAKING PROPER API DOCUMENTATION

Got this rude ass email from an idiot client who thinks I'm solely responsible for figuring out how to link his 3rd party email/newsletter sign up form to his new website without any access to the account. He "doesn't have the time to research". Newsflash asshat, I'm not responsible for your 3rd party shit. Go contact their support. 🙄😑

No, I do not wish to work on your Scrum-managed project.

I do not wish to contribute to the Taylorism of my profession.

I do not wish to be an interchangeable cog in your software sausage machine.

I do not wish to be tracked by some pointless metrics like a call-centre worker.

I do not wish to bust my tight, cute ass to sprint after some idiotic management request that could have been factored in earlier.

I do not wish to obtain some piss-ant qualification that "authorises" me to do my job.

I do not wish to be party to your lie that technical debt will be avoided by refactoring---whatever the cost.

I do not wish to contribute to the death of software engineering to have it replaced by software development.

Agile? Sure. I can pick up the phone and talk to the client, users and fellow devs. After all, that's what it FUCKING MEANS. Communi-fucking-cation.

See that burndown chart? See your anus? Know what's happening next?

Fuck Scrum and every fucking bottom-feeder that is scamming a living by promoting it. You're killing this business.

Hugs and kisses,

Platypus

Every time I see this picture here on devRant I think of my annoying ass for a co-worker.
Not only does he refuse to listen to me and whines all the time, but when I show him a solution he copies my work right to the last semicolon. And proclaims himself to be God for "coming up with the solution".
Hubris much?

This dude that i been helping on his project for free wants me to travel to his city(which is in a different country) to discuss the project and what's missing lmao hahahahahahahahahahahahaha yeah right.

Wondering how he managed to text with his head so far up his ass.

Fucking idiot.

Suuuure thing buddy, guess i will be paying for all my expenses as well using the money you have not given me? Fuck you think this is? If i agreed to help out it was to help one of your developers who so happen to be my boy and even he knows u is full of shit

Think this is my first rodeo? Bitch asked me to send him the project and i fucking denied it and he didn't like it. Said the code is his lmfao not ze fuck is not. No contract? Bitch your ass can come on over to Texas and demand it. Damn sure your dumbass is going to dislike demanding shit looking down the barrel of a .45

Fucking idiot

Hahahahahahahahahha I'm not going to do anymore of your "quick" projects that result in shit pay and drain me out. I got actual fulfilling projects I enjoy working on hahahahah not again "friend". The audacity of this guy to ask me to handle a big project alone while he sits on his ass and gets a 50% cut. He should have paid attention in school if he wanted to be a programmer. All he does is lie to clients that he can code yet runs to me to do all the work. Hahahah let's see how he gets out of this one. Not gonna help you today "friend".

After Monday and Tuesday holidays, it's not a very easy task to move your ass back to office.

Knowing that Friday is also a holiday doesn't help.

Bloody hell I have been stuck for two hours on a problem and couldn't find any solutions. So naturally I asked my Senior for help. I was trying to export a js file like :

---------config.js--------
module.export = function (app){
//code here
}

-----------Index.js------------
var config = require('./config.js')

config(app)

but it would throw an error saying config is not a function. Wasted two hours only for my senior to point out that I missed an "s" in module.export 😑

Feels so stupid. bloody ass.

Oh yeah that shouldn't take too long right? I mean it's just the front end.

No shut your fucking dumb ass mouth up. It will take long. The front end is very complicated, and your stupid fucking ass who couldn't learn to code is in no position to estimate how long it will take. Do us all a favor and stick to the "business" side. Fucking incompetent idiot.

If you're not a programmer, when it comes to estimating how long a task will take. Just shut the fuck up. Just cause you work in this industry does not qualify you to estimate a task. Just shut the fuck up.

PM: Hey listen, client sent us his feedback about the app that we need to fix, they wont take time.
Me: Sure no problem.

5 Minutes later:
*Receives email*
*checks email*
15 easy tasks that take not time to finish BUT they are put inside ONE FUCKING TASK ON JIRA! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THIS SHIT! 15 IN ONE YOU DUMB FUCK!
MOVE YOUR LAZY ASS AND WRITE EACH IN ITS OWN MOTHERFUCKING TASK!

Another reason on why I hate humans -_-

I'd say one of the best advice a dev gave me, was that, I should not write duplicate code, but rewrite these parts to a single function.

And another one: If you use specific values in the code, instead of putting it in multiple places, assign it to a variable at one place and use the variable later on.

These advices sound quite trivial, but I think every beginner should learn these as eary as possible.
Boiiii have I seen shitty code from people who don't give a hobo's ass about maintainable code.

Be a good coder.
Write for quality, not quantity.
Care about your successor.

Thank you.
If not, I will fucking find you, fill your guts with napalm and light you up alive on a rusty pole while laughing hysterically.

Called in on a Saturday... I’d rather have my underwear ride up for the rest of my life than having to deal with your bitch ass not knowing how to run a FUCKING computer.

No, I promise it’s working fine you dense fuck. You just don’t know how to fucking run it. Perhaps instead of calling me in, why not ask your other coworkers how to preform the task that you’re failing to learn.

And the shit thing is, I’ve explained this so many fucking times. It’s not my fault you won’t retain the mother fucking information you cheeky bastard.

STOP FUCKING CALLING ME! - who the fuck even gave you my personal number you fuck!

YouTube, why the fuck do you put ads at the end of the video? Who's gonna watch those?! I'm not a marketer but I do know that people watch ads in expectation of something better. Who.. who the fuck thought this would be a good idea?! Fire that certified piece of shit marketing cunt already! What the fuck is even wrong with you nowadays Google?! Pinnacle of tech company my ass.

I really hate to have a non-technical Scrum Master...
He makes these long meetings to explain EVERYTHING to him and ask us help to be on meetings with clients in case "he over commit us" with more work.
I've had cool Scrum Masters but not like this dude that is a pain in the ass...

PS. he's good friend of the boss... so I'm sending him videos about what his role should do 😕

PS2. Fourtunately, he's about to be switched to another project soon.

1) For other devs to stop being such whiny, pussy ass motherfuckers. Legit the ammount of whine in some of y'all is too extreme. Blow, judge and cuss out over the weakest shit ever. Like language wars. Dear lord if there is some pussy ass shit right there it is language wars.

2) To see Perl 6, Clojure and Rust see some hardcore adoption. Specially Clojure since I fucking love Lisp dialects and Clojure is pretty sweet Lisp. Clojurescript is also really nice for those that like working with Js.

3) To completely nuke Microsoft browsers. I am not a Microsoft hater by any means. But their browsers bring more pain than joy to everyone and they know it. If they choose to let them exist then by all means fix them! This is Microsoft! They got the resources!!

That's it really.

*Working on a project with boss, I am working on a mobile app, he is working on web service app.

Me: this service takes user id as parameter to get all account details (all other web services are like that)

Boss: yes, I use the id to filter the data.

Me: but by this, everyone has the id can do anything ! why we do not use session token?

Boss: this is a detail, it is not important !

Me:...

*7 years of experience my ass

> be me
> work on a nice project with friends: A, B and C
> joined in a bit later, but before any real progress was made + we scrap the existing code, because it was Python2 or something
> decide on a framework
> A wants to create one himself, instead of using an existing one
> we fight for a little, but let A do his thing
> 2 months later
> been waiting the whole time
> +1000 lines on github, but still not finished
> "Wouldn't it be better if we would use the normal framework?"
> "No, mine is hand-crafted for that task"
> "But it is full of bugs"
> "If you find one major bug, we'll ditch my framework"
> finds major bug
> "That's fixed, just give me a min-"
> finds another bug
> "Thats just because you don't know how to use the framework"

- Documentation inside ONE gigantic README
- Library is missing the core features we needed/those which are implemented don't work
- Both B and C were on my side from the beginning (in that we should use "Already Existing Fully Documented Popular And tested Framework Which Does Everything We Need")
> "But i dont understand this framework so explain it to me"
> send him a few code examples + a tutorial??? (dont remember if i actually sent im the tutorial before i left)
> "explain it to me, i can't understand it"
> I CANT UNDERSTAND YOUR FUCKING FRAMEWORK DUMBASS
> ragequitted the server+project

To this day i still don't know, which framework they are using..
Also that Python 2 code in the beginning was because A didnt know the difference and copied (yes by hand) the code from atom to github without testing anything.

"git: 'ass' is not a valid git command"

...

Uh!

what the FUCK!!! What's wrong with your heads people!?!? If you write code, write it in application source. NOT IN THE FUCKING DATABASE!!!
Database is a REPOSITORY for entities -- NOT a place to be tangled with BUSINESS LOGICS!

Raise_application_error(-20201, 'Payment already confirmed'); my ass!

Got scammed on devrant by sketchy cryptocoin recovery services? Like a total dumb ass you clicked a sketchy link? Did you suffer temporary retardation and believed a scammer?

You may be entitled to public humiliation! Contact our services (totally not sketchy AF) and get doxxed, reposted, and made to look like a complete fool! (Javascript devs excluded, they suffer enough just existing.)

1-800-dumb-fuk wtfuthinking@dumbass.git

Monday morning and Microsoft goes down across the board

No office
No teams
No SharePoint
No azure
Not any fucking thing.

Well done ass hats, not like I had anything to do today 😓

My ass of a supervisor threw yet another bomb my way.

He basically said I would fire you if I could, but I don't have a valid reason, however I will not give a good grade for your dissertation because you don't do exactly what I told you. (not exact words, that was just the gist)

So I need to start looking for a new supervisor and a new department. He is not letting or helping me grow. I can't be under this fucking much stress, do this much fucking work and stay sane.

Gonna go cry now. Bye.

Mac keyboard and mouse.
Fuck no right mouse button.
Fuck that prolapsed ass key. Why not ctrl or shift instead like any other system?

So I got my internship grades today... The fucking bastards gave me a 16.8 out of 20 when I had to work my ass off on legacy VB6 code, using poorly documented add-ons and barely asked for help. I always tried to figure things out myself and that helped me learn that useless crap. But they rate me that low after all the effort I put into a payless job?

So you mean that not only was I not paid, they were also not thankful for said unpaid job. Fucking waste of half a year.

nvidia makes me sick, nvidia fucks with my kernel, nvidia earned a place in hell, nvidia is shit, nvidia runs like garbage stuffed in to my motherboard, nvidia is so expensive, nvidia made my work harder and that's not what computers are meant to, nvidia's website sucks, nvidia has no solutions if you're running on GNU/Linux, nvidia owes me money, time and tons of coffee, nvidia is so much a pain in my ass.
nvidia is now on my shitlist, just before apple, followed by adobe.

The previous manager bought an expensive enterprise level cms with 0 support and documentacion for doing shit, for which the only ninja that knows how to operate it is our cms admin.

And I saw this person posting shit on her instagram about loving wordpress.

Wish your ass would've known about it before you got us this 58k pos system...

Say whatever the fuck you want about wordpress, yeh its fucky, but not fucky AND expensive........

One thing every junior web developer learns is how to implement a login system.
They may not make it the most secure, but it works.
It boggles my mind how Microsoft still don't know how to make a login that works consistently.
Every Microsoft login page requires like 30 redirections to work.
The Teams app on my PC fails to login at least once a week, just because another Microsoft app is logged in using the same account (usually office), but Windows is not.
Microsoft needs to take it's head out of it's ass and BEG Google to teach them how to make a decent login system.

When you work hard for something and you are sure that you gonna get it, but some ass licking guy who doesn't even know how to code gets it. Yes, it happened to me. I was working for an open source organization called PROBOT. I was working my ass off to get into GSoC with that organization. I created PR(pull request) after PR and solved most of their issues. But later on, I came to know they didn't even saw my single PR. Life surely teaches you some hard lessons but it's you who should not give up I would say. I do not regret working my ass off and writing those code and not getting into GSoC but I cherish those moments where I learnt many new things. And as for that organization, I would say they don't even know how to manage. This was my exact reaction when the result came

You know what fuckin sucks? Those cheesy ass "business" MoTiVaTiOn accounts on social media including but not limited to the cheese master himself: Gary Vee

I'm in deep shit, barely managing myself,
> Fuck Domain resellers who don't know their job (that's not you Jase)
> Fuck GoDaddy
> Fuck cPanel
> Fuck WordPress

That concludes, a friend called in a favor to host a WordPress blog with our hosting and domain from re-seller

and fuck that re-seller with cactus in the ass, for being a hack and saying it is not possible to transfer the domain to my hosting account.

I'm not going to have a lot of new friends here but I am fed up with all those guys complaining about CSS on devRant.

CSS is damn easy. Get over it. Take some lessons, learn it the right way and shut your mouth.

I'd prefer you share your enlighten opinion on CSS in JS with React Native or CSS compositing with ReactJS which are both huge pain in the ass.

Plain CSS isn't the cause of all your pain. You are.

Dear Mobile Designers,
There is a difference between mobile first and mobile preferred. Stop being lazy and take advantage of desktop real estate. My monitor is not a big ass tablet.
Thank you,
Desktop End User

So I just decided I'd hotspot my phone to my laptop (as I have no WiFi) and stream a film I've wanted to watch for a while.

Turns out my shite ass mobile provider wants credit card details to prove I'm over 18.

I'm sorry, what?

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? YOU NOSY OVER CONTROLLING SHIT STAINS! THAT IS A PARENT'S JOB, NOT YOURS.

fucking hell. What is wrong with this fucking race?

Oh, and I can't torrent it because that's blocked too.

Pretty fucking sure it’s Monday... Critical Server KO’ed during hours... Going to be a long day....

Sucks not having the funds to implement preventative maintenance and redundancy... Thank god for fucking backups.

To the Level C’s in our company.... take this as a wake up call you incompetent, undereducated, no dick-having-ass’, spitfucks!

when you find a tool or library that does exactly what you need, but it's not documented at all

or worse, when it's "cross-platform" but all the build/install steps are made assuming you're using a Mac
"brew install my-shiny-metal-ass"

Let's start by saying: God do I love programming and hate work!

My dream job would be a place where I get to write quality code for something that's actually useful and makes sense to people (or a group of people) without all the usual job bullshit; all the politics, fucking useless hours of meetings, the pretentious ass holes, and the useless mindless product owners with good pay to live comfortably and some organization (not being a complete disaster). It's only a dream though...

The biggest lesson I learned in Frontend Dev is: listen to users, not clients.

There are so many rants about stupid ass clients on here, and when you let clients treat you like that, it's kind of your own fault. Look at how people use your interfaces and you will immediately see what's bullshit about them. When you have user behavior as an argument basis, clients will listen to you.

TL;DR - Developers, do not buy HP Stream models laptop unless they are selling at $1.

Cannot even handle Sublime + Firefox + LAMP use case well. On lubuntu OS with literally nothing else on it. Sublime crashes every hour.

Now I am learning how to code using other tools before I can buy a better replacement for it. Failure with gedit; very slow and sluggish. Currently trying Geany.

It's a pain in the ass to learn new tool especially when you are so accustomed to something. 😣

Sure Amazon, 0.02$/GB * 0.000120 GB = 0.01$, not 0.0000024$, sure, that's right.

0.05$ for what amounts to less than 2MB of data transfer in total (there's two more lines like that in the bill).
Eat a bag of dicks.

Free tier my ass, if I wanted to spend money I'd rather use Azure.

New ticket:

Ticket: "I just spoke with-"

Me: "LET ME STOP YOU RIGHT THERE! IM NOT GONNALET YOU FINISH! IS THERE A PROBLEM? THEN HAVE THE PERSON YOU SPOKE WITH / SAW THE FUCKING THING HAPPEN CONTACT ME! ALMOST NEVER IN MY LIFE HAS A GAME OF TELEPHONE EVER DONE ANYTHING BUT FUCKING DRAGGED OUT THE PROBLEM! WIDGET DOESN'T WORK? THING DOESN'T DO A NON SPECIFIED THING? FUCK YOU FOR DROPPING ALL THE INFO I NEED AND SENDING A VAGUE EMAIL!!!"

-ticket set to not gonna do shit until someone who saw the thing gets off their ass and says what is actually happening-

!dev

I'm so goddamm fucking tired of this fucking shitty ed sheeran fucking.

Fuck ed sheeran, fuck this bland predictible squared music.

I mean, not him, the music.

Jesus fucking christ, every fucking uber I take this shit ass song is playing.

I heard this song like 50 times already, I'm not even fucking kidding.

This is the musical equivalent of being a passive smoker.

Reminding myself: No matter how stupid the work is or how a coworker is acting like an ass, it does not matter. I'm here for the salary and I have other things to do out of work.

Rapid firing some mini rants.

Fuck people that go on vacation and post 100 pictures of it. Chill out fam. I can guarantee you that 95% of your followers don't give a shit. Keep the posts minimal; 3-5 is ideal with 5-7 being acceptable.

People that post shit like r/whooosh in the comments on posts can suck a dick. That's not necessary asshats.

Why the fuck do the Android versions of every major app suck ass? Like c'mon man. It's the most widely used mobile OS. Take Apple's dick out your ass and fix this garbage. (I get that supporting the cheap ass devices that never get OS updates is one thing, but ffs im using a Pixel. Get your shit together.)

This TED talk was brought to you by Stuxnet. Thanks for coming.

I called it "Microsoft S.Q.L" but Bobby argued it's Sequel not S.Q.L then I asked Bobby "PostgreSQL" and also he said "Postgre Sequel". Hehe sequel my ass then cus I'm sticking with my abbreviation.

Clients that ask you to build X and then when you ask about said details to know everything up front, you get a deer in the headlights look.

I get it, not knowing right away is fine, but 5-6 months later and still "not knowing", being absolutely lazy with no responses to questions or just dumping the work to me to figure out from whatever source material you got it from and force me to crunch to save your ass isn't fun for me and I really don't give a shit about how much praise you give me publicly for the job I did.

What the fuck is up with this fucking tour bus company called Akdeniz?
These fucking retards want me to login to instagram etc. to get wifi access. Like wtf. Is not my 30 TL not enough?
Are you really going to save my login data for a few TL? Why would you dipshit people want me to login with my social media account (besides of that I do not even have an Instagram account. Miss me with that gay shit.)
I do not have a fucking fuckbook and a twittermyass.
I hope y'all fucking die by sucking my long ass dick, incompetent braindeads!

Fuck you ios,storyboad,xibs,xcode. FUCK OFF!! YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES. Literally giving me migrane with your fucking ass constraints!! Fuck you xcode for not having a terminal. Ios is utterly bullshit. Has fucking all kind of devices that I have to set constraint. Fuck you macos. You are slower than a snail. How on earth do you take so much time to build!!
Width, height, constraints, my ass! What is this fucking logic bro. Fuck you apple for making so many device of different sizes and then hiring us to set constraints. Warning warning warning oh what a load of crap!
I would rather die than set your fucking ass constraints.

UTF-8 without BOM.
{ ä, ö, ü } are not going to be decoded correctly.
Why the fuck does BOMless UTF-8 still exist? Such a pain in the ass.

FUCK YOU IN THE ASS WINDOWS, WHY ALL OF A SUDDEN THE TASK BAR DOES NOT HIDE AUTOMATICALLY, EVEN WHEN IT WAS WORKING? I GO TO SETTINGS TO TURN IT OFF AND BACK AGAIN AND NOTHING HAPPENS. RESTART AND A GOD DAMN UPDATE STARTS.

1. IDE connected to your brain that does the coding according to your thoughts.
2. Compiling and deployment for your applications take little to no time.
3. Not having to wipe your ass 50 times to make sure it's all clean.

I am an university student in India and had been working on my DBMS project for the semester.
I have been working my ass off for a fuckin month , skipping classes missing out on friends. Now it's the end of semester and my professor is handling me by the balls. He didn't even see the actual working model, all he wanted was a project report with near 0% plagiarism.
So today after a week of ass licking and countless trip from my dorm to his office and back, he accepted the project.
And that wankstain jizznut shameless cunt of a teacher took the project ,deleted my name ,deleted any text connecting the project to me or the university and wrote his name ,his degenerate name on the front page.
Not to mention published it under his own name.

Finally made some progress with the project that has been kicking my ass the past three or so months.

Also finally free from the migraines I've been having the last couple of days. First time in a week I'm not either nauseous, in pain or both.

Now I'm going to make grilled cheese sandwiches and watch some true crime youtube.

C/C++ debugging with VSCode sucks ass.

How do I even debug stuff in forks while still debug my threads?
And yeah please just kill my program away, it's not like there happens some necessary housekeeping at exit or SIGINT. FML.

Piece of shit cake. I'll stab you in the goddamn virtual neck with a screwdriver. Not get my nuget packages. Go fuck yourself in your fat fucking ass. Goddamn, who automated this build process. I did. Fuck me.

Am I weird for not liking Whiskey?

It just kinda tastes... bad. Everybody is taking about notes of vanilla, undertones of strawberry, BITCH where. It tastes like weird with alcohol. And the alcohol part isn't really the problem. I'd much rather drink straight up vodka. Yes it tastes like drain cleaner but at least it doesn't have this weird ass taste to it. I actually quite like vodka. I just don't get whiskey

When you work your ass out for days and night together for a feature. Rip your brains apart for that slimy thing to work.

And the client says it was not needed.
FUUUUCKKK

Okay, I think I am losing it, how do you explain a distributed computing VM has to somehow execute code on some hardware at a point to a customer that is clearly a big ass bullshit eater/buzzword bitch?

Because if I can't, I may buy a plane ticket for Canada and an axe, and that is not for cutting lumber

Got fucking graduated, a whole day wasted, fucking ass hole literally trapped us cannot even got to release some water.

To get a fucking degree you have to bear with fucking teacher who don't shit about privacy, security.

And answering fucking theroy questions which has fucking string Match with the fucking textbook paragraph.

Do a fucking report which will be fucking 100 pages and take fucking 2 copy (10 rough copies)

The register to fucking leaky placement centre. Who leak you data to all hiring companies as well as your co-students.

Then fucking attend the fucking ass hole ceremony where some old guy lectures for fucking long time about some civil infrastructure , road and other stuff.

And I have not mentioned other fucking ass hole slutty stuff.i don't know fucking until what time I can hold on.

This Fucked the fuck out of me

When it is 645am Friday and you spent the whole week with meetings and tasks and sleepless nights.

You just cannot give a tiny rat ass about the naming of routes and functions.

DO NOT ask me about my variable names!

Last year I had to program most of my projects in Python. I like the language, don't get me wrong. But man oh man if you indent your line of code one too many fucking times, it can be such a pain in the ass to find your error...

Even if it may clutter your code (not in my opinion), that's why I love them curly brackets and languages which use them <3

After being an active developer in the industry for about 5 years, I still have some bad dev habits on which I'm working on:
- Starting off with the code first without a proper design in mind/paper. (Trust me, I'll always regret of not having a proper design later)

- Writing long method bodies and not refactoring them later. (Because sometimes I turn out to be a lazy ass)

- Duplicating code in some places without reusing some.

Fuck, fucking cock sucking stupid ass prick of a little black box, why, why the fuck do you not fucking boot any more, all you have to do is fucking boot but no, that's to much for you to fucking do!

Ah well, good thing it's only a Rpi!

It had a good life, now to wipe the card and start again! I

We are forced to work on weekends because the management and the project manager loves to kiss the ass of our clients. I was even scolded by working from home.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

ITS NOT FUCKING FAIR THAT WE HAVE TO SUFFER AND SHOULDER THEIR INCOMPETENCE IN MANAGING THIS FUCKING PROJECT.

Damnit. God Damnit.

I started working for a startup around 2 years ago, I literally helped them survive in covid, I worked my ass off for them. (I was getting good money so no complain there) but now after 2 years I started looking for better opportunities and finally found one but now the old company guy is not letting me go they have froze my experience letter, not accepting resignation letter not even giving me my salary slips and since with all this frustration I stopped working 2 months ago and now I got blocked form every possible way to contact them.

"Hey Bobby, can you do XYZ for me? I can do it myself but it's such a pain in the ass"

So why the fuck would I do it if you can do it yourself? Guess what it's a pain in the ass for me too! And it's not even my problem!

My fucking pixel XL just broke. Fuck me, fuck this and fuck every fucking thing

I hope I'm not stuck with this broke ass piece of shit I used to use.

Yo @dfox @trogus, I know I’ve been a pain in the ass lately with my connectivity issues etc, 🤪 but on the auto renewal for devRant++, the transaction (to my knowledge) has successfully went through (can provide screen shot) but I haven’t received it. Not rant, just curious if it’s something in my end, I want to continually support this amazing community.

!dev

i am so lucky to have a good memory. i am not the best problem solver, but i remember lots of previous solution. being a dev has really help my thought processes though.

tldr; i told my gf i'd get an ass tattoo of her choice if i got a 1500+ on the sat and now i'm nervous because after looking online i can't find a single math question i got wrong.

It's kinda nice to have a long weekend for a change to work on my endless list of unfinished side projects and code what I want to code, and not having to use fucking Windows 11 on a slow-ass work laptop.

- 5 days until customer integration test. I finished my work for the test a week ago so I am relaxed. 10 days of estimated work for other team, 1 dev scheduled for this task.
I reminded of the deadline, which seemed not realistic anymore; "Don't be so pessimistic" they said, "Everything is fine", "We'll get it done".

- 2 days to go and half of the system doesn't work, the external test system rejects all data (nobody had time to read the specs -> let's call it 'assumption based development' (ABD))
I reminded of the deadline, and that I would like to have an internal test with all components beforehand; "Don't be so pessimistic" they said, "Everything is fine", "Just some minor issues".

- 1 day to go and dev from other team called in sick... (and I can really empathize this decision); "Someone else can jump in and finish the work" they said.

- An hour later the test was cancelled not even 24 hours before it should take place. We could have rescheduled the test more than a week ago, that wouldn't have been so disgusting and even save our customer some hours of preparation effort.

I hate myself when I was right from the start but wouldn't enforce my position because I'm too kind sometimes.

"Our side is certified, yours is not" ... they yelled from their ivory tower.

Then why does your side send unreasonable responses after a few dozen identical requests and doesn't respond at all shortly after?
Maybe because the certification tests only cover 10-15 requests consecutively?

Certify my ass...

Somewhere in the svalbard vault where github buried all our code is about two hundred megabytes of pictures of my ass and other pornography stenographically hidden in innocous pictures hosted on github. Why? Because I can.

I did the same thing with stock photography back when I used to be a photographer. If you've used pixabay or a dozen other stock sites theres a good chance you've unwittingly looked at my magnificently sculpted ass (and other parts of me).

Future shenanigans include massive (and unsolicited) deliveries of half finished dildos (courtesy of dildo factory dumpster rejects), public accesible blue tooth speakers put in inaccesible spots, deepfakes of opposing politicians banging uglies, public book burnings not because we hate books but because who the fuck reads anymore?

And orgies, lots of orgies.

Its the end of the world. Let loose with the craziness and party.

Professionaly travelling the world sucks ass. It's loosing day and days on airports, railway stations, driving.... Then, completely exhausted, you must do your high-end job on command for a customer who already hates you from the moment you came in, because he knows your hourly rate.They do not realize it's the companies rate, not my wage. And when it's finished and running, it's considered normal...no need for a "thank you". Getting really tired of this shit :/

there is a window on the right side of my pc and a big ass fuckin spider web. there are some green stink bugs that piss me off a lot so whenever my code is broken and im pissed the fckk off i just look at my buddy web developer eating that fcking bug that got caught in the fking web and im not gonna do anything to help the bug go away fcck uu

Fucking hell. I usually really like firefox but today it was a real pain in the ass to download sth. It wold download 99% and then stop. I couldn't stop the download and the file was obviously not working. I had to switch to edge and both the design and the fast download really appealed to me. Ffs firefox!

I love calling (or mailing) helpdesk "engineers" about issues. Clearly something that explicitly has been mentioned to not be the issue is the issue, amirite? 🤪

Engineers my ass 😑

Watching a play via stream from a relative cringing my fucking ass off.

I honestly do not know what the actual fuck will I say when he asks me if I liked it.

30hr non stop programming during university. Self proclaimed "best programmer" did not have shit the day before the deadline while he said he was done 2 weeks before that.
He also proclaimed being the "best leader" and kept trying to take that role from the one we decided on before he joined the group.
He also proclaimed amd lied about making all the documentation to save his own ass and trowing us under the bus while we did not even mention saving his ass.
And much more.

My blood still starts to boil when i see the guy.

*working at a project, currently creating commits and pushing to remote

I created an early PR with a title [UNFINISHED] and [NOT YET DONE]. I'm really not finished yet. lots of stuff still need to be committed and pushed to repo

And suddenly, I find out that my team mate - just out of the blue without any prior warning - MERGES THE PULL REQUEST

"oh hey there are conflicts in the pr you made"

YEAH WELL MAYBE TRY GETTING YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ARE YOU EVEN SANE

So now what happened is half of my commits are merged, he didn't tell me, i pushed more commits, branch recreated, and then he reverts the merge. so now everything is really messed up :)AS)D(F)AEF)SDF)AW)sfdjsigkl;zfghlkkj ghaslkj;gabsd;lkgjabslkfgh GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS I WANT A PROMOTION

started using vim just for shits and I gotta say it's been a massive pain in the ass.

wanted to indent like 7 blocks of code at once. 20 minutes later I've tried several methods, none of which indent it 4 spaces like the rest of my file.

there's like 15 different ways to indent shit. Jesus Christ.

then I had to sift through countless people in heated vim debates on SO.

I am not worthy

Goddamnit I am an idiot. I just fried a microcontroller because I didnt have the right power supply and I used it anyway because fuck it, right? So now I am not a single step closer to the thing I was trying to do but I fucked up my hardware and it is a huge pain in the ass until I get a new one and figure out all the problems with it. Arghn

Fucking christ this year is a fucking shitfest:

- wpa2 krack
- "DUHK Attack Lets Hackers Recover Encryption Key Used in VPNs & Web Sessions"
- "Hacker Hijacks CoinHive's DNS to Mine Cryptocurrency Using Thousands of Websites"
- "Bad Rabbit: New Ransomware Attack Rapidly Spreading Across Europe"

My fucking router didn't yet get patched, my fucking phone is outdated and I can't change to my patched one because devrant just shits the bed in extended desktop mode. Windows 8.1 loses support in 3 months, rendering my last chance of using it on my surface pro done, making me use windows 10 with its fucking shit ass not optimized tablet interface. I have just fucking constant paranoia what else could be hacked tomorrow, nothing is fucking safe anymore for fucks sake. I even went as far as implement 3 step auth and intrusion detection on my shitty ass VPS nodes, fucking give me a break you fucking assholes.

Fucking android framework. Sucks my huge ass balls. What is wrong with the people that wrote this?
You implement a fba and hide it when the recyclerview in the corresponding is scrolled down.
Then you change to API level 25 and they fucking decide it would be a good idea to refuse to send the onNestedScroll when the visibility for a fba is set to GONE which is itself not bad, but they also think setting the visibility for the fba when you call the hide() method to... yea you guessed it FUCKING GONE would be an amazing decision. Oh yea you smart ass nice decision I'm so glad you did it.

!rant

The Philips Hue API is some tight-ass shit! I'm not particularly interested in the light bulbs-- maybe I'll give them a try --but the API for the motion sensor is brilliant. Simple, easy JSON responses to simple GET requests against a device-specific URL. I was able to throw together a working sensorcheck script in only a couple minutes.

Strato. Everything about it. Even leaving as a customer is a pain in the ass.

I want to pay my last invoice (thank god, the only vps hosting ever that is yearly. Bastards) and i forgot my password.

Resetting the password is your customer number (asked everywhere for everything) and your e-mail address.

The thing says 'Het ingevoerde e-mailadres hoort niet bij het klantnummer.' which is dutch for 'Your e-mailaddress is not connected to the customer number'.

Sigh. That fucking customer number. For servers they let you login using the ORDER NUMBER. It's so weird there.

Strato: not even once

If I wasn't a dev, I'd probably still be in sales somewhere.
Can't say I miss that life, customers are a pain in the ass you can't punch in the face. at-least with IT, if I smash my keyboard, it's not going to complain 😇

As we currently see a lot of codeless software platform, in the next 10 years there is gonna be high demand for people to extend these shitty apps into something proper, just like it happened with wordpress. There is a key missunderstanding that writing code and developing an application are the same thing; they are not.
Once you can write code you sure ass aren't a developer, thats a grueling journey until then, and being able to create an application without code exaggerates the problem even further.

You're not really a dev until you start laughing your ass off at every Hollywood attempt at writing a scene where a "computer whiz" does some amazing "hacking"

To all those working from home...
How do you keep yourself motivated to stick to a schedule?

I've been at this for 7 months now; it was great for the first 2 months, now I can't seem to get my ass together.

I still get my work done, but that's the problem.
Because I'm not motivated to stick to the schedule I've made, I'm chipping away at my non-work time to get the work done.

Any advice?

I dare you to spend the last 3-7 hours of 2020 NOT looking at your phone! Go masterbate... talk to yourself... read a book... drink!.. Play chess... just lay down and groan... clean the kitchen!!! ANYTHING! And maybe even the first 24 hours of 2021!!!!!

Get out of your own ass for a while! Or into your own ass - but out of your fucking phone!!It’ll be fun!

For the Germans among us:
Do not you think that this is a lot of request for anyone who wants to do an apprenticeship at 1und1?

What else do these bloody ass cocksuckers want?
It is fucking called apprenticeship for a reason.

#cursee&productivity

It's not a good start for today. I'm sipping my breakfast coffee at my house at 10:13. I just couldn't drag my ass out of bed this morning. I turn off all my alarms and just stayed under the blanket. Winter is my enemy.

Hope I will work with good focus later when I get to office.

Me:
-Lack of experience
-slow learner/fast learner
-not really a team player
-always keep a positive attitude
-but when I started doing smthing, I'll finish it.
-willing to learn

I wonder if anyone would still hire me to their company.. Let me know.. I fucking hate my workplace and the owner. You hire me for doing smthing else, and you always told me to do smthing else that is not even related to my job. I'm not your fucking ass cleaner. = = you shit on that thing, you clean it yourself. Fucking fucking fuck!

Worked my ass off for every single thing, gave everything I had, didn't care about my friends too in some situations
But...
When it came to making someone the head... It wasn't me it someone not even close to me..

I've worked with few incompetent people till now, but one guy who stands out is my peer who is a "Lead Developer".

First of all he knows nothing!! Even Jon Snow knows something, but this guy knows absolutely nothing. And on top of that he has a hard ass attitude. Never sticks to coding standards, pushes unwanted configuration files to Git, uses too many nested loops even when not even a single one is required.

And when I suggest him something, he starts giving these lame ass reasons and tries to avoid my comments. Then I say, "good luck with that buddy" and move on!!

monday.com: our manager has been pushing for it for weeks. We barely got any time with the demo before it expired and the company took forever to get licenses.

Now that we're on it ... this thing sucks ass. It hijacks all the browser keyboard shortcuts. You can't use Ctrl+F or Ctrl+L .. you can't even right click.

This is the worst project management software I've ever seen. It's amazingly even worse that Jira. I wish we had just gone with Redmine. It's free and not garbage

I get being a noob and trying to learn but don't be a lazy ass by not even knowing if the library you're wanting to use is available for the language you're using it in.

Don't be this guy.

Why is American culture so money-centric?
Instead of “he's not believing me” they say “he's not buying it”. Also, “put your money where your mouth is” and “don't let your mouth write checks your ass can't cash.”

FUCK MICROSOFT!!! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!?!?!?!? WHY IS THIS EVEN A THING!?!?!?!?

WHYYYYYY HAVE WE GOT A FUCKING DARK THEME IF WHEN I ADD ANNOTATIONS IN SSIS IT'S HARDCODED COLOURS.

No...seriously...not only am i doing this bullshit waste of time redundant annotations for some bullshit client that thinks they know shit but when I use the dark theme like a normal person, if you go back to a normal theme, all annotations in white.

Just finished like 30 packages on this slow ass remote connection and now all these backward ass people that use light themes (like everyone but me) can't see anything written.

Fuck you Microsoft!!!!! Soooooo many fucks for you right now....don't even know how to express the fucks.

I am currently working as a consultant and I like it. It also makes upset/happy/schadenfroh (not entirely sure how I feel about it) when we tell the client what work needs to be done in which order and why just so they can throw it all overboard and we do it the way they want it and it bites them in the ass a few month down the line.
They hire us for the external professional experience that we bring, so listen to us. We did this before, we know what works, and we know way your way does not work.

Is there actually any crossplattform mobile development framework which is not a total pain in the ass to work with???!

I don't fucking care if you don't understand what I'm trying to convey, I've documented how to configure email with your fucking iPhone (even though I don't own one), I will not fucking guide some FUCKING idiot from management to teach them configure the same documented thing.

It's fucking email, you log in with your credentials and settings are fetched, how is this difficult to understand you FUCKING idiot?!?!??

Also, pic related, translation "I don't give rat's ass" or "I don't fucking care"

I apparently hate myself and have volunteered to help an author I enjoy design his website to be more mobile friendly. Convertri sucks ass, if anyone is wondering. Their mobile "converter" is shit, and does NOT make things pretty, at all. No matter what size or resolution we use (because he's trying to learn) loads like we're back on AOL.

Other than switching sites, any suggestions? Our issue is legitimately only with getting the background image to work on desktop and mobile.

I really got in love with nodejs and shit. And to be honest, the whole async thing isn't that shitty either. I mean the performance itself seems to be whack af (see onoff benchmarks for reference) but your whole project is more responsive.

BUT FOR FUCKS SAKE THE ASYNC WRITE DOWN OF A SETTINGS FILE FOLLOWED BY SOME STUPID CRASH INDUCING MISTAKE I MADE MYSELF, LEADING TO THE WRITE FUCK UP AND ESSENTIALLY ERASE THE FUCKING CONTENTS OF THE DAMN SETTINGS FILE IS JUST LIKE SMEARING TOOTHPASTE ALL OVER MY FRIGGIN BALLSACK!

I'm so sick and tired of people feeling threatened when improving upon their shitty code! I'm here to do a job and I enjoy my profession.

Don't take that away from me by wasting my time making me say every fucking time that I come from a good place and that I just want to provide a better solution AND not create fucking mess that will have to be rewritten when some ninja bugs occur because of completely unmaintainable crap nobody can understand. Holy shit!

I couldn't care less if you're 10 years in the company. I see that all the good devs left after dealing with your shit every God damn day.

I'm not here to deal with your insecurities and couldn't care less about pointing fingers! I just wanna do better and not write same level of quality over and over again!

You're not getting bonus points from me by sitting on your ass all day and half-assing everything you do with some lame ass excuse.

So no LGTM from me when it's utter error prone shit!

So if you don't wanna help, just get the fuck outta my way and don't waste my time! Jeeez

Not a part of the test, but the test itself.

Imagine having to write in a language you don't really know with a pen and paper.

Glad I didn't get the job there because holy moly was that a pain in the ass.

Has any of you worked with someone claiming he's a "Senior Software Engineer" but he does not know what he's doing? I'm not saying I'm a very good developer myself but I know how to differentiate a good code from a garbage code and architecture. It's really becoming a pain in the ass...

Boss: I'm not seeing the fix for the simple text change issue

Me: (who cares about little design details which said boss really likes about me) That simple text change is a long line of text and breaks on all screen sizes besides your big ass monitor, so I asked for a designers opinion, which I finally got today.

My bad for caring just a little bit...

Can somebody explain to me why the fuck creating apps on windows sucks so much ASS!!!! Not only the Electron app that I'm creating is a complete MESS, but on top of that, you need it EV signed, or it will be detected as malware. The fucking Digicert people charge $664/year for it!!!! I only wanted to do a stupid productivity app, and It was going to be free, now I don’t know what to do with it. FUCK

For my graduate level people(aka Masters degree students or holders)

How normal would you say that: giving dense ass lectures in NN with absolutely NO practical examples and just a fuckload of theory + 1 simulation project in Pytorch in which a robot is to detect collisions is?

is it normal? i mean I knew about Pytorch from a very shallow overview, but these assholes gave that project and expected it completed in a week with a fuckload of dense ass lectures and no practical exmaples.

I know school is supposed to be hard, that is not my gripe, but in yalls experience are teachers more descriptive and fun in other institutions? do I just have shit luck with teachers? I don't feel like wasting my money. If your experience was better then let me know, cuz I want education yes, but i want it better.

Why is it that every python project I come across seems to not even want you to use it.
The deployment always sucks, you get some random ass errors because some parts are in python 2 instead of 3 I guess. If there's a C library involved it most definitely won't work. What the fuck is conda and why do I need it to install software?
Where is the documentation to build a release yourself if the public ones don't work?

"LOL what ass-hat saw camelCase and then decided to not use it --- oh fuck I'm the one..."

It took me putting on my glasses to make sure these pixels were real and not just blind ass not seeing shit.

FML. I have to draw system diagram at 12:00 am and the worst part is I don't even have an app that does that so I need to use my Design app to draw this shit full DIY style. This is not my fucking job fuck you...
I wish my project lead go hell and fucking Satan puts his dick in his ass. MotherFucker then you will understand my pain ASSHOLES

Customer service my ass. I wouldn't even call it service. All you could do is check if it's working now. Of course it's​ working... I've​ just told you it's fucking working 2 minutes then inaccessible for fucking 10.

And when I tell you that your service had began to loose quality in the past few months you just sit there in FUCKING SILENCE. MOTHERFUCKER JUST TELL ME THAT YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT... OR SORRY... OR GO FUCK YOURSELF, NOT MY JOB... I DON'T FUCKING CARE JUST DON'T SIT THERE IN SILENCE UNTIL I HAVE ENOUGH AND HANG UP... I WASN'T EVEN SHOUTED TO HIM. I was disappointed but not angry... Not until you decided to just ignore me, fucktard...

Needless to say just when I hung up it stopped working again. -.-

"please like our new post on LinkedIn"

AGH fuck off asking every employee to like your shitty "oh we hired some one new" posts

I don't fucking care that it then seems like an active company. I like shit only if I actually like it... Not some boring ass shit post

Also stop trying to micro manage your employees... Like actually wtf...

This is important.

I officially proclaim myself impressed with @K-ASS and their CSS skills. Those pure CSS spheres are amazing, and I regard their CSS skills as “very high”. Probably higher than most of the programmers out there, maybe just shy of spec-writing demigods out there in knowledge. Yet, not shy in creativity.

Congratulations!

Guy wrote a whole ass thread explaining how to fix it and its not a big issue but the manchild elon musk's ego couldn't handle being wrong so he fired him

Someone : this is not critical, if you have more important task or deadlines, prioritize it first.

Me : doing my more important task/deadlines

Someone, chatting me every hour : Is it ready? I need to submit it ASAP!!!!

What a pain in the ass!!!!

Babel and webpack kicked my ass today. fuck you babel, and fuck u too webpack. neither one of u fucks is making my life any better at the moment. things were moving along, now my app just looks like this. something in this transpile garbage. I'm not missing '>' . it's just not transpiling correctly I think.

Guys, I have an interview Friday to a company I don't necessarily want to work for but I need the job because I just finished a coding boot camp not too long ago. What are some templates for Fintech, business macho companies that I can work on? Also, my resume sucks ass. Any advice is appreciated.

I sincerely want to thank Google.
I was this introverted guy with lots of questions to ask.
Whenever I try to ask question I could not. It might be - my ass liked the bench too much or gravity was different for me.
Anyway, Thanks google.

Incredible that these companies with literally no product, and barely a website (if any) come around offering 100K+ jobs

They have funding out of their ass but literally NO real-world value... it's amazing to me.

Guess it really is not what you can do but who you know.

Connect my brain and communicate to any computer telepathically.
Not humans, I don't want human brains.
But computers. Sweet little bad-ass machines.

Ffs, idiot comes to my PR, that didn’t have anything to do with him (he’s not even part of the team) trying to lecture me without bothering to understand the changes and the context.

I wish I could have replied “next time, I’d recommend you to take your head out of your ass first, and read the goddamn code. It will be a better use of your time than writing this nonsense.”

I might not be the only one who writes a complex ass code to do some task and when it's done I feel like a spartan and then I find out that a library was already there for it. Me 0 Internet 1

So JavaScript/ES6 is kicking my ass. I'm not used to front end development as much. Idk when to use javascript and how. I dont know when I need to manipulate the DOM and how I do it. It's a new concept and I'm hoping PHP isnt gonna have as big of a learning curve..

Other peoples' code... (in C++)
I am finding what some people consider good code is not as described. I found a class that provides strings. Great it gives me paths and stuff. I incorporated it in a new project.

segfaults

Hmmm, it must have an init function... It does, but not in the class. It has a friended init function:
friend init_function(). If this function is not created and called external to the class then the class will segfault...

okay...

I implement this. I use code from another project that implements this correctly. The friend class allows the private constructor to be called to create the main instance of the class. So its a fucking cryptic ass singleton. I look at this class. It uses a macro to decide what to function call in the class. The class already has function names for each call it needs to make. The class is literally a string lookup table. I vow to redo this shitty code, someday...

I start to wonder what other fragile code I will find. Not long later I keep getting errors on malloc. Like any malloc that is called results in a segfault. The malloc is not at fault though. I run valgrind and find a websocket library is returning an object a different size than the header file describes.

WTF...

Somebody has left an old ass highly modified definition of the websocket header in a location in that I include headers (partly my fault). I eliminate that from my include path. All is well, everything behaves. I will be making sure this fucking header is not used and it is going to die. Wasted a bunch of time.

Lessons learned: some code is just fucked and don't leave old ass shit you tried laying around.

So I'm returning from parental leave on next week...
One of the projects I'm involved in, was at 10% progress when I left, had planning and documentation made by me, development environment and test suite setup by me and had tests and was being reviewed.
Right now it should be arround 75% progress, no longer is being reviewed, planning is not being followed and no tests have been made since I've left...
Why bother with dumb ass devs!

Add wifi they said..
It'll be a simple addition that adds a ton more usability they said...
Now just tack on access point mode, everything is already there.. that'll be quick and easy they said..

..... no, no, it's not... It's a fucking pain in the ass dammit!!

Remembers a time when I was considered non-technical founder and not taken seriously as credible tech company leader by smart ass VCs

Years invested in learning, experimenting, building. Now somewhat capable.

Considered too technical to be understood by dumb ass VCs.

😤

If you write an editor or input field, and do not respect our Ctrl+Backspace expectations, I will turkey-slap yo ass, bitch.

I'm not sure if I have made devEnemies so far, because nobody has pissed in my good-morning-office-coffee yet. But I think my tendeny to perfectionism in syntax and code structure may have been a PITA in the ass for some coworkers sometimes...

god damn it, your a grown ass fucking person. Why the fuck can you not be mature enough to stay on slack during business hours?! GAH!!!!!!!!

I just discovered that this game I worked my ass off to make for the past month doesn't meet the requirements. I have 2 days until I have to turn it in to rewrite the entire thing in another language.

I quit. I don't need that kind of stress, and heaven knows I ain't gonna finish it either way. I informed the team that I wouldn't be working on it after for a long time either. I just need to not look at it for a while.

For my fellow stuck at home Nintendo Switch owners: Ring Fit is legit af.

I am in good shape, but can honestly say that you will get a workout out of this bad boy AND by the time yo ass is feeling tired you will not notice it on account of the fun you will have.

Of course, not everyone will like it, shit, I know I didn't wanted to play it. But I did and I loved it.

I am Al, and I support Nintendo's agenda on getting switch owners jacked.

0. A good comfortable chair, one that does not hurt my fat ass and back

1. GPUs, lots of them so that I can train my models faster

2. Patience to endure the stupidity of people

I feel like working in Visual Studio is gonna lead to me developing really bad habits. Whenever I save, VS locks up for about 15 seconds, completely killing my momentum when I'm used to habitually saving all the time. I'm starting to consider not saving my work as often, despite knowing it'll come to bite me in the ass eventually.

Fuck Apple with two pineapples in the ass. 99€ per fucking year to tell me how the fuck should the access to my app be. I damn require users to sign up. I only need email and country. Not a single other piece of data. My app is not a goddamn catalogue or boutique. No free content, free app but each user needs to Auth themselves. You fucking telling me y pay 99€ so you decide how the access to my app should be?

Cunt Apple should rot in 10 day old humid shit and let devs be owners of their apps and hard work. Clowns.

I regret ever picking my CS major every time I stare at my VS Debugger and am stuck reading the values stored in a List<Int>. Why, List<Int>, as the backing for my shortest path, do you not have the proper values after I walk my tree.

I have lovingly set up my Priority Queue. I have followed the class notes and lectures.

Oh why, my List, have your forsaken me?

Oh.

It's a recursion bug. I'm not updating nodes properly.

I'm a dumb ass.