How do you even come up with shit like this?

"HTML is a language that needs to be compiled"
- Web dev "teacher"

(regarding a discussion with a female programmer about an event)

Me: ... But Id feel so out of place, I don't even have a date

Female: well you can always just import a date

Me: what do you mean? 😕

Female: import Java.util.Date;

Sometime I’m developing in Rust and I do something wrong.

Then I look at the terminal and it says...

“You did X, did you mean to do Y”

Then I do it and it works perfectly, and I’m like...

Why do I even have a job if the compiler is this good?

"Using HTTPS is only useful if your page has a login. Just use HTTP."

Must have 5yrs experience in a framework that is 4yrs old
-_-\ do you even brain?

Everyone that finds out you're an app dev: "So I have this multimillion $$$ idea!"

Me: "I'll do it for $100."

Everyone: "$100!? I'm giving you the chance to be part of the next best thing!"

Me: "Well I guess the 'next best thing' isn't even worth $100."

I literally don't even like telling people what I do 😒

Here's a recent interview I had for an Android Developer job:
I: Interviewer, M: Me

I: hello, welcome
M: hi, thanks

I: do you know Kotlin?
M: yes, I've been working with it for 1.5 years and have written 3 projects in it

I: do you know RxJava, Dagger, Retrofit, and how to make Custom Views?
M: yes, I'm comfortable with them *explains*

I: do you know Room?
M: yes I do, I've done a lot of practices in it, but unfortunately have never needed to use it in production

I: what architecture do you use? Do you know MVP?
M: I'm currently using MVVM, but not MVP. I've debugged projects in it so I know what's going on in it

I: ok, do you have any questions for us?
M: how did I do?

I: I'm sorry sir, but you're not even a junior here
M: what? Why is that?

I: well you don't know Room and MVP?
M: I said I know them, just haven't used them in production.

I: well you have 3 years of experience but you dont even know Kotlin!
M: Kotlin was your first question and I said I have 3 projects in it. Did you even check the samples you asked for in the job posting?

I: SIR YOU'RE NOT A GOOD FIT FOR US, THANK YOU FOR COMING.

:/

Why would you even do this? People don't read these anyways...

"It is just a small task. I can do that in just..." Never ever ever say the above statement even if you are 10000% confident.

I heard that "options are options" so - maybe we should have even more options. What do you think?

This is so fucking, fucking annoying.

Client (through ticket system): here's new nameservers my domain has to use, please enter them thank you!"
Me: you can easily do that yourself! *gives link to extremely fucking easy click-done tutorial*
Client: oh but I'm not technical, could you please do it anyways?

HAVE YOU EVEN FUCKING LOOKED AT THE LINK?!

THIS SHIT HAPPENS EVERY GODDAMN DAY.

- We need an android app. Can you do this?
+ Never done that, but I can try.
- Do you even know Java?
+ Not really, but I'll learn fast!
- Any OOP experience?
+ Well...I know CPP.
- 😐

- Will you give me a prototype tonight?
+ Don't know. How about tomorrow?
- Ok.
...

+ *makes a prototype in couple of hours, becomes a Java developer*

Just like that.

Do side projects, even if they're small. If you already have completed side projects, show them off. Employers love to see your efforts and eat that up.

So you poor devs... you have to be strong now, hr has a new tool to torture you: Skype has a new coding interview function.
What do you think about that? Good or even more abuse?

HP printer: *starts acting on its own*
*pulls plug*

NOW WHO FUCKING OWNS YOU, FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT?!! WHO PAID COLD HARD FUCKING MONEY FOR YOU HUH, FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT?!!!!

Don't you ever dare to do anything again, unless I fucking tell you to, fucking worthless piece of shit, that can't even do its printer jobs properly!!! WORTHLESS FUCKING PIECE OF JUNK!!!

Guess I'll leave it unplugged until I have a new print job for it at this point. Geez, can't even trust my fucking printer to do what it's supposed to anymore!!! Long live the world in Big Brother. Lest we forget that there exists such a thing as fucking ownership!!!

Rantish story time!

Today I impressed myself. I was told in all seriousness by a PM "couldn't we do this API in HTML?" and kept a straight face. Even though he doubled down, following with "oh, do you think the language isn't powerful enough?".

Good times!

"By larger do you mean bigger?"

I was honestly just asked this in an email from a client.

The funniest thing is I didn't even say "larger", I said "bigger".

Me: Fuck I love my chromebook!

The world: Why would you love Chromebooks, you cant even do anything with ChromeOS?!

Me: *Sit's down and listens to music and podcasts for 3 hours* Oh look, still got 82% battery...

You can hate me: as a 34 year old php developer, i've never used git in my workflow...
I plan to start today using it on one of my personal project (only because i have arrived at "backup-49.rar")(yes i develop on windows).
Finger crossed

Stupid bloody PM.

I asked him for two images a long time ago: a 1x and a 2x ‘0’ monogram for Apple wallets, since we currently have monograms for glyphs 1-9 and a-z. And this is in production, so any merchant whose name starts with a ‘0’ will cause a crash. We’ve been fortunate thus far.

But this PM. He lied about who needed to make the images for three weeks, saying it’s up to the designer, when he actually made them himself. He also said he was going to take care of handing the task off, and never did, and then said designer when on FTO. When I asked the designer about it after he came back, he had no clue what graphics (and even the feature) I was talking about, or even what the requirements for the graphics might be. I had to confront the PM before he admitted he made the originals, and (begrudgingly) said he would make the new ones.

When said PM did finally make the images, the colors were all wrong. They’re not the light teal from our branding, they’re dark blue and the font is different, making them pretty ugly.

Also, after assuring me that the naming convention for the new images is the same, I discover that they’re neither organized into folders nor even named properly. (And yes, he is aware of how it should be.) I can rename and move them around easily enough, but come on, don’t say you did the work and then give me a mess to clean up!

And to top it all off, he completely spaced making the ‘u’ monograms, so I’m still short a fucking glyph!

Asdfjskldf.

How do you do every single thing wrong? Like, how!?

I'm pissed at my cousin who's studying IT at the moment. He wants to copy my thesis project(from 3 years ago) and make it his own for his thesis project this year. Like woah dude! Can't you be creative, work hard, and make a project of your own because that's for your own good? And don't you dare bring up the "I'm your cousin, pretty please"-card up! He also wants me to lie if his professor contacts me and tell that he was part of the project. Are you effin' kidding me? You didn't know how to code 3 years ago! How would you expect me to tell your prof that you were part of the team? I just gave him the documentation(without the source code) and I said I lost the apk. That's just how far I can go for someone like that 😕

Recruiters, do you even copy pasta!!

ALRIGHT

WHAT FUCKING DUMBASS AT APPLE DECIDED THAT YOUR AIRPODS SHOULD PAIR WITH YOUR

CLOSED

FUCKING

MACBOOK

INSTEAD OF YOUR ACTIVELY SEARCHING IPHONE

PRODUCT MANAGERS ARE SHIT

DEVELOPERS ARE SHIT

THE WORST IS KNOWING THEY ALL EARN EASILY 6 FIGURES

AND ARE ABSOLUTE GARBAGE AT EVERYTHING

70% of the population see's you as a scammer. You will have to explain to your family every single day what you actually do and still they will be suspecting you. The annoying part of this , is the fact that literates even think you are a scammer.

Welcome to Nigeria.

So just today I stumbled upon Deepin OS (Linux Distro based on Debian) and it looks amazing! Arguably even better than Elementary OS :D Has anyone else used this distro/what do you think?

Microsoft can't math.

Never do something​ technical for free. You end up being treated as the responsible person for batteries even if your actual profession is web development.

so my university just updated ALL of their PCs to Windows 10 and every time I log in......
"We're preparing some things for you"
*5 mins later*
"This may take a while"

Neighbor: So what do you do for work?

Me: I'm a software engineer.

Neighbor: Oh I don't even know what that means. What exactly do you do?

Me: I write code for Fortune 500 companies while sitting on my couch in my underwear.

Aww SwiftKey, after two letters youre suggesting the right password, that's so nice of you...

Wait a minute... WHY DO YOU EVEN KNOW THAT?

You're not a password manager and you don't do that with other passwords, what's wrong with you?

You ever see a rant with zero ++ and even though you are not that good person but just want OP to feel loved so you give em one of those ++? I do

I'm in that weird spot where the more I study programming, the more I realize I know next to nothing. I get pretty demotivated at times because it can be so overwhelming to study for hours, finally understand a topic... only to find out the next thing is even worse and there's literally thousands of things to learn, from languages themselves, to rules, best practices, paradigms and so on and so forth.

How do you guys deal with this? Do you even have the same problem?

Dad: [this company] is coming to town soon.

Me: I know

Dad: yeah maybe you can get a IT job

Me: I dont do IT

Dad: You never know what you do until you do it.

Me: *getting an aneurism from sheer ignorance*

I DO IT EVERY DAY HOW WOULD I NOT KNOW WHAT IM DOING THAT I EVEN WENT TO SCHOOL FOR?

WTF?! Do I look like your personal Google assistant or amazon alexa?!

You messaged me to call the customer support for some doubt you have. Why can't you do it yourself?!

I then sent you a FAQ section from the website covering all the required details.

And you couldn't even bother to open the link to check there?!!!

Fuck off.

I'm working on my author website and I really suck at designing. So, can you give me your opinions? I can take honesty, even if it's harsh.
So, ugly or decent? What do you think?

Are you reading your own email?! Do you even comprehend what you just wrote?!

At least it's Friday. Happy Friday everyone!

Yo, is this devrant or spamspace???

Like, do you even fucking work, mates? Are you a dev? How doesn't a fucking legacy code piss you off on a daily basis? What are all the ways you want to respond to your customer's/PM's abuse? Does your lead dev even know jackshit?

Where did all your quality rants go? Why do you all sound like second graders writing essays for school? Have some passion for your job, and hatred for the incompetence for others!

Now, go produce some quality rants! Funny ones too! Bonus points if it's angry-funny.

why the fuck people name variables endig with numbers? why? how the hell do you even figure out what's what?

checkStatus1
checkStatus2
checkStatusMyAss

justfollowus.io
ontwitter.io
because.io
wehave.io
abeautiful.io
name.io
and.io
logo.io

even if you don't know what we do. just fucking use our tools.io

FUCK YOU WINDOWS. HOW MANY FUCKING HOURS DO YOU NEED TO 'GET THINGS READY' ? IT'S BEEN 5 FUCKING HOURS ALREADY 😠 Even a woman doesn't take that long to get ready!

Mom: why haven't you been doing your computer science homework at home ?
Me : because you won't let me have a computer and I can't run the software I need on my school iPad
Mom: bull shit you can run it that iPad can do anything that you can do on a computer
Me : no you can't that's not even...*mom cuts me off*
Mom : don't talk back to me you just don't wanna do your homework
Mom: all computers are the same they just have different names
Me : that's not even true in the slightest... *gets cut off again*
Mom: shut up and do your damn homework
Me: 😐

Worst part of being a developer?

Everyone thinks you want to freelance a website for them...

Even when you're not a web developer

What do you do?

I write software.

Oh so you're good with computers and stuff?

Yeah

That's p sweet, can you build me a site?

No. 😃

I honestly don't get too mad when people aks me to do things like install programs for them. This is not my dayjob, but when you think of it, they're right when they say "you are a programmer so you must know how to do that". We do know how to do that. When you have a question about plants and you know a farmer, you are going to ask the farmer, even though he is not a gardener. He will know. Just as we know how to use computers very well.

Nothing makes me cringe more that some dumb fuck jabbing their finger at any computer screen to show me what they’re talking about. DON’T. FUCKING. DO. THAT. What makes you think it’s even remotely good for the displace? Do you see it freak out the way it does, that’s not a good thing. Stop fucking doing that!

Informal poll: how often do you find yourself looking up trivial things, even if you're a seasoned vet? I know I do almost every day.

Love my android. But oh my fucking stars in a pickle jar... I just did a damn software update. The fuck you mean I have one??? Wasn't even 5 minutes ago. Why are you making me do this???

NO FUCKING WAY YOU ARE GONNA PAY SOMEONE THE EQUIVALENT OF TWO MONTHS WHAT I MAKE TO DO SOMETHING I CAN DO IN A FUCKING WEEKEND BECAUSE "I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO ALREADY AND COMPANY STUPID POLICY DOESN'T ALLOW EMPLOYEES TO BE CONTRACTED AS FREELANCER ON THEIR SPARE TIME!!
HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT TO MY FACE YOU STUPID COCK SUCKER! I BET YOU CANT EVEN SUCK A FUCKING DICK PROPERLY STUPID FUCK!!!!!!!

Intern: "Hey Awlex, this function I'm using doesn't work. Can you help me?"
Me: "This function doesn't do what you are expecting. Did you even look at the docs for this function?"
Intern: "No."
Me: "... then start with that"

Windows, if you can't even do as much as mounting network shares *after* the network comes up, don't you fucking dare to tell me that I can't disable my firewall. Some people may actually know what they're doing and maintain that elsewhere, you know?

Do you even use arch?!

What do you need a boss if you can find the idea, analyze it, design the product, code it, test it, setup the cloud and even do the marketing.

Dear bosses,

I am a developer not a God!

fucking piece of garbage postman!

WHY THE HELL do you auto-update yourself when i explicitly DISABLED updates?

why the hell is it just a "minor" update to switch to a version that FORCES you to have an account, even if all you do is use offline features?

and why is there no option to disable syncing your data to their server, even if it's not needed at all? YALL EVER HEARD OF A THING CALLED PRIVACY?

and why the fucking fuck of all fucked fucks DO YOU DELETE MY PREVIOUS OFFLINE DATA SO I CAN'T EVEN CONTINUE WORKING BY INSTALLING AN OLDER VERSION?!?

some dumb-piece-of-garbage-waste-of-oxygen managers decision to screw their userbase cost me several HOURS(!) of work already and probably will cost some more due to the lost collections.

How do you even type --no-preserve-root accidentally?! :-o

Just found there is an alternative to create-react-app with parcel. It's called create-react-app-parcel or in short CRAP.

To initialise a new project you even do

crap sample-project

Nice!

Do developers have to get everything approved from the product manager. Even the name of a function and explain why you chose to pass something as a parameter? Isn't this micromanagement?

"Knowing" Bootstrap or Foundation is not the same as knowing CSS. If you claim to know css and you can't even tell me what media query is or how to make a page even semi-responsive without a css framework, please do everyone a favor and fuck off.

Ugh first week in Google Udacity scholarship and they all just directly want to start a start up 🙄😮😒
Yeah best of luck with that shit with your amazing html skills...

Have you ever looked at code you had written years or even decades ago and asked yourself either:

1) How this this even work?

2) What the hell does this do?

3) or, I can’t believe I wrote that. (In horror or serendipitously)

"I'm not very smart with computers"

Why do people say that? Obviously you may not know 100% of what you can do with a computer, but NO ONE does! I get that some people know slightly more than others, but it all comes down to how much time you put into learning it!

And how do you even respond to that? "I know, I'm dumb." You can't ignore it or affirm it, you just have to awkwardly acknowledge and then change the subject. Ugh...

Fuck you for imposing the upper limit on password length for my online banking! Why do you even care about my pass - don't you fucking hash it beforehand?!

Have you ever reach a point where you lost any desire or mood to do anything? Like when you don't even want to rant about the fuckedupshit you are in.

Why the hell do you keep commit+push your shit to the master branch! We have develop, feature and hotfix, you *************!

Just because you want to test something in prd environment, you don't mess with the master to build the production image. And you do not even rebase fucking develop branch and keep it out of sync you POS!

Excuse my language, thank you.

Nobody:
My dad: hey how do i do {{thing}} with this trucks multimedia system? What? No i dont know the exact model or release date or software version, arent you a programmer? You should know this without ever even seeing the outside of the car.

When someone tells you how to do a job but they cant even get to your basic level to even begin with

"Bro, do you even git push?"

So the US Congress decided that the online privacy of it's citizens do not matter. What steps do you guys take to maintain your privacy ? I can't even convince my friends to stop using fb messenger and move onto Signal.

How do you tolerate a colleague who

- Fails to work as a team member, is inherently lazy and writes software that is simply horrendous
- Blatantly takes the easy road and even admits to it
- Has no sense of pride in the work they do
- Is your supervisor

I have this pact with my neighbor - if someone delivers a package to them, I knock on their door when I notice it to let them know and if they don’t answer, I take it into my apartment and leave a note. Same goes if she or her kids see a package delivered for us and we don’t answer.

So last month, we have a flooding incident in our complex and her flat’s damaged so they have to leave to stay at a hotel for a bit. It’s only supposed to be until the 20th (of last month).

So when she gets a package a few weeks ago, I knock and when there’s no answer, take it into my apartment and leave a note.

Note stays on the door for days.

And then it disappears, so I assume she’s home.

But she never answers the door.

And then I see workers in her place.

So now I don’t know if it’s the workers who picked up the note or if she was back and I missed her.

But it’s been a couple of weeks and I’m starting to worry about her. Like, the day of the flood she almost died and I ended up coming over to help (getting her oldest to do CPR, talking to 911, trying to keep people calm), so I know she’s not feeling great lately.

And I’m the kind of idiot that never thought to exchange numbers.

So I’ve resorted to internet stalking and messaging her on Facebook.

And knocking on the downstairs neighbor’s door since I know they’re related. They didn’t answer. I’ll try again later.

I have no idea what else to do. I mean, I don’t think I can contact the office and be like “Can you please provide me contact information for my neighbor? I have their stuff. Thanks.”

#awkward

when you have a great idea for a project, the you open android studio and like ''ok, how the hell do i even start? i'm going to sleep''

Friend: why do you hate react so much ?
Me: Because web development should be all about browser compatibility ( yeah even for that shitty ie8 ) and usability not spa and shitty made animation that breaks when you switch from landscape to portrait .
Friend: then why do you use it ?
Me: money.

Me: do you even know what computer programming is?

Person: agh yea... its when you program a computer...

Hey guys.
Got this motor here... What do you think it's voltage is?
Tryed 12v, didn't even move...

HR logic: You know how to write simple bash scripts and you have "expertise" in programming = You are our next kernel/hypervisor developer!

Girl, I do not even know what a hypervisor is.

When a Client is supposed to send you sponsor icons for the new website and all you get is a single PDF file containing all of them. Why ??!! This is even more work to do for them ???!!!

do you guys code while you're sick??
I'm affected with this flu and I don't even want to open my laptop! -.-

Do you guys drop the S from your variable names? I am constantly in a dilemma as to what makes more sense.

For example a SQL Table:

Books
----------
BookID
BookName
....
---------

OR

Book
---------
BookID
BookName
.....
---------

Or even in a language like C# or JavaScript:

const BOOKS
var books
let books

or

const BOOK
var book
let book

Even if you have multiple items in that variable/table it seems very redundant to ever have the s.

What do you guys think? Any input appreciated!

Happy coding!

Honestly I frankly do not care for your title, I care for what you've done and can do.

You may be "more qualified" in research, but if you have no idea how to write software, you're not qualified in software engineering, and frankly, you shouldn't be telling me how to write my code if you don't even understand the use case.

And then don't pretend you own it??????????? The fuck man. I'll sink you.

FUCK YOU PHP, WHY THE FUCK DO YOU GIVE ME DECEMBER 1ST WHEN I DO
strtotime('-1 month', '12/31/2015)
USING DateTime PRODUCES THE SAME FUCKING RESULT. ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED OR WHAT?
YEAH I KNOW NOVEMBER DOESN'T HAVE 31ST BUT YOU COULD AT LEAST RETURN 30TH OR EVEN RAISE A WARNING, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT.

When you stop freelancing because clients don’t spend enough to keep you making enough money to continue freelancing for a living. But then they come back begging you to keep working on their stuff because suddenly they have enough money and a need and because they can’t seem to find anyone who can do it as good as you did. But even with them handing you new cash money all you want to do is not do that stuff anymore. But money.

When a client sends you an email with multiple question marks "????" Just because you havent answered an email solely stating "ok thanks" in the past 24 hours.

What am I even supposed to do with that dude?

PS we need to fix some stuff on his wordpress website thingy to which we agreed literally a day ago. First of all do you really expect we magically fixed everything today even or ehm at least try to be friendly instead of just sending a bunch of question marks thank you very much

First off, what do you mean by ´people like me´?

Do I look like an outer-space creature to you when you look at my profile? Or are you looking for a do-not-feed sign at the side of my wooden fence?

What even, .. I'm human, like you, you moron with a missing 'sapien'.

It's kinda ironic, as you can't even abide the maximum length your message has, which you speak of. Therefore I reckon you lost the second 'sapien' too.

Yes, now you may call me "people", and yourself... well you're mute. You monkey.

Just rambling. /ignored

I loose it big time when developers in my team say "it's not working" and don't even care to explain what is not working and what were you trying to do....

Boss: "how is the project going? When will you be finished? It's not that much to do right?"
Me - I'm stuck in my spaghetti. Not even started to implement things - fuck

Dear Hipchat, if you are going to implement an Autocorrect Feature, LEARN THE FN TECH LANGUAGE

if i type gradle i do not mean grade
if i type coap, i do not mean soap
if i type mqtt i do not mean mitt
and for f-shake hipchat is not "hip chat", how do you even mess that one up!

(feature now disabled)

Colleague: We need to deliver it today so let's hardcode some values in the code to make it work
Me: Ok you do it. I don't even want to see it!

When you know the whole week's weather forecast w/o even looking at it, because your neighbours above you are aged people and when they read it out *loud* you can hear it all sooo clearly...

Boy do I want my own house....

Conversations with SQL Server:

Me: TRUNCATE TABLE users;

SQLServer: Okie dokie, Command(s) completed successfully

Me: WTF SQL, u didn't even ask for confirmation

SQLServer: Well, you did type 'TRUNCATE' then 'TABLE' then 'users' didn't you. I mean how much confirmation do you need you prick.

When you want to do a few test deploys (project going into alpha today) and your Internet is too slow to even login to the server 😭

!rant
If you don't even know what MySQL is, fuck off and let me do my job. Don't insist that you can't find the solution to the problem. That's why I'm here. Your incompetence and persistence are slowing me down and if you really want your stuff to be done on time, don't even dip your fingers into my codes. I know you may think that I need help, but your help is useless if you have zero knowledge and can't even understand the solutions given in stack overflow. I'm fine doing this on my own, so fuck off. Just. fuck. off.

I find it hilarious the total misconception of hacking that the general public has. I tell people I know cyber security (Not as much as a lot of people around here) but it is a hobby of mine and I find it very useful/interesting.

But I can't stop but laugh when someone is like, can you get all the text messages my bf receives?

Can you hack this for me can you back that?

C'mon even if I knew how to do that without being caught you think I would even admit that to you. Do hackers just walk around with an index card pasted to their forehead of their skill? It's not even slightly reasonable to think this lol even for someone who doesn't know about the field

Always keep trying, never give up on the bugs you have.even if you have to start over again.

Someone once asked me:

Why do we fall?

I answered him:

To rise up again even stronger.

How do you find motivation to work on projects when you don’t even want to get out of bed...?

It's 23:00 and I'm too fucking tired to do anything but sleep.

How the fuck you people stay up all night and even develop cool stuff while doing so is beyond my understanding.

I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you hardly ever do any thinking and even on those rare occasions the results make me wish you hadn't tried.

Logarithms give me a headache

Today I was trying to convince a colleague that:
fun example(){
if(thing){
//Do something
}
}
Is stupid because it should be
fun example() {
if (thing) {
//Do something
}
}
It's the small things that are the most frustrating

TypeScript...
An annoying "helpful" friend who points out your mistake even before you do it...

Many advantages of being a dev:
- You can work on multiple projects simultaneously.
- You solve problems for a living, how cool is that!
- Job security (Even if you get fired or something, you can still earn your bread with your skills)
- Even if you are bed ridden or get in an accident or get old, you can still work(kind of a pessimist).

But the best part is, you get to do what you love(for me its true).

What gets me is that still, even now, most bosses do not seem to understand that quality will give you speed.

Why is this even still a fucking debate..

her: * watching me 👀 *
guy 1: "what else do you do asides coding..?
her: * scoffs *
me: "lol, I do other things"
guy 2: * laughs hysterically 😂😂 *
me: "whattt..?? I do video editing and I write as well 🫤"
her: * 🙄 *

What's it with you guyssss??? 😂😫🤲🏻...I have other interests asides coding; you just have to be close to me to find out. I even make music and play the piano 🌝.....
Y'all dream a lot and you know it's your dreams I code 😪 {if you can dream it 💡, I can code it 💻

Urge to kill anyone who creates two-state progress bars - 0% and 100% - is rising. Why do you even put the freakin' bar there?

"Hey Bobby, can you do XYZ for me? I can do it myself but it's such a pain in the ass"

So why the fuck would I do it if you can do it yourself? Guess what it's a pain in the ass for me too! And it's not even my problem!

I can’t even wait for my copy of Leviathan Falls to arrive. I’m so tempted to read the All Spoilers thread on Reddit. Aaaaaaaaaaaaa! C’mon... you can do this. Just a couple more days.

Why isn't this ready for testing yet?

Could it be that despite multiple meetings emails and face to face conversations none of you have provided me with what I actually need?

Yes I can create you new email and SMS campaigns. But I need two little things first.
1 The template text.
2 The sign off forms from compliance

Without them I can't do shit. So stop chasing me on where we're at because I've been chasing you on this for two weeks.

This shit here is why I'm the grumpy It guy.

Dear team leader, If you tell me „I need to review this merge request before merging”, then make sure you are able to allocate time to do this.

If you need MORE THAN A WEEK to even start, then maybe your delegation skills are nonexistent.

So uh... your computer might be being used for bitcoin mining, and you might not even know it. How do you feel about this? Do you consider the site freeloading off your computer's processing power?

What the tickets I receive daily are like... -

“You’ve got to be kidding me. I’ve been further even more decided to use even go need to do look more as anyone can. Can you really be far even as decided half as much to use go wish for that? My guess is that when one really been far even as decided once to use even go want, it is then that he has really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like. It’s just common sense.”

I fucking hate those apps/websites where you can create an account but there's no fucking way of deleting it by yourself, nor even by messaging a moderator...fuck, and it's even worse when they put you on their newsletter list and the unsubscribe doesn't do anything...Fuck

Please fellow devs, if you ever work on apps that require creating an account, provide a way to delete it too.

Ugh fuuuuuuck.

Bro, do you even git init?

Do you know feeling when you have just so much fun refactoring + ( listening + singing / humming ) to music that you can't even properly type anymore because you move around too much?

I feel so happy rn, maybe it's also the coffee ..

LoL, why do we even have job reference contacts? So your previous manager can tell your new potential employer how much you sucked?

It's all so pointless..

Clients assume that because they can't see it, means no real work was done. Or even worse, you show them code that was written for the server, even demo the apis but without a pretty front-end it's pretty much meaningless. Even if ITS NOT YOUR JOB TO DO THE FRONT-END!!!

Get a request for commit rights for my container repo; another developer would be lovely. Let's see what they know and want to work on.

*reading message*
*reading message*
"...I'd like to enable your containers to hold other containers."

They already do. Stay the fuck away from my code.

Why do you always sign me out after two days, even though I checked the "remember me" option?!?

When a bunch of unit tests start failing locally because the AWS secret key got rotated.
oh wait...
THOSE AREN’T UNIT TESTS!!!
Unit tests do not depend on any external system, that includes AWS...
AAARRGHHHHH

Me: "Can you get the user to send us a recent crash dump?"
(Support person forwards my email)
User: "The most recent ones are from November"
Support person: "It seems they haven't had any this month"
Me: (?????!!) "Which November?"

The eventual crash dump was datestamped with today's date.

Why do you even bother writing docs if you don't include anything worthwhile in it!

Right now, whether you're making money or not, try and make sure you take some time for yourself. Whatever you like to do: take a walk, exercise, meditate, or even sit by the shore if you live close to the coast. 🏖️

You know that feeling when the junior programmers do their job quickly, properly, and elegantly just like how you would have done it? :)

Yeeeeah, me neither. What the fuck is this dog shit?? God dammit! Why we have 2MB of CSS?? Do you even you this jQuery plugin?? What do you mean frontend.php and frontend2.php?? Why is this block of code indented all the way to the right?? "Just 1 bug left" OH REAAAAALLLYYYYY?

whenever i tell my dad about a technology that is going way beyond our imagination and tell him about the consequences of it and how we should worry about that
then he watches some random tv show about internet security/cyber security and various algorithms (very abstract) which are currently changing the world and how we should care about our data and what the consequences of X technology is...
he be like: "oh is that true? that's interesting, how does that work?"
i'm like😑 dad, i already told you about that😩

ever had similar experience?

She : Bring the stars for me.
He : Are you mad? How can i even do that? Impossible, ask something else.
She : Stop writing Codes.
He : Ok, How many stars you need?

I really like how there is something new everyday that you can do to protect your privacy even more 😄

When everybody has an opinion even though you didn't ask them and you know how to do it.

Simple PHP problems....

That moment when you don't want to quit your job because of your cute crushes 😍 in your company and this motivates you to do even better every single day.

feel stupid bcoz you underestimated the time to complete the project, feel even more stupid when you do it again and again

Do you ever spend any day in a week/month without working for even a bit?

Human-robot studies suck.

Like, why do I even have to compare dumbass humans to computers? Or why should I even make my robot human friendly? Why can't humans be robot friendly? Example: Robot says beep, you get out of the way. Why should the poor robot do so much planning because humans are too stupid to move out of the way? How is this fair?

Job offer listing: "IT Specialist"

"Personality prerequisites and skills"
- "Programming in MS Excel"

How do you even put programming and excel in one sentence??!!
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE???

Own before you do it.

Create user stories, fill tickets, draw diagrams, send approval mails, fill docs, write in the company blog and then some, before you even think about writing a line of code.

It sucks to realize that none of ur work leaders appreciate the efforts you and ur team are doing even though they don't give u the necessary materials to do ur job.

Lesson: no matter what u do, theres always gonna be ungratefuls out there.

What do you think of LinkedIn's quizzes? I passed the JavaScript one but failed JSON... JSON!! Are you fucking serious! How is that even possible!!!

Something you can do even if the (windows) PC is locked. Win+i to bring forth the funny menu (if I recall correctly). From there you can do stuff like invert colours and zoom extremly

Which keyboard layout do you prefer for programming and why?
Qwerty, Dvorak, Colemak, Workman, or even another one ?

they say "you can do anything on C++"

I can't even initialize an array with a random length

Coming back to c++ after far too long in python...

Compiler: "Do you even know what a semicolon is?!"

So according to my manager its not really acceptable for me to sit at my desk and vent about what a colossal idiot my Tech Lead is. Fair enough i suppose. even though he feels the need to chime in on every technical decision when he himself doesnt understand how async code works. he thinks you can set a variable inside a promise and then return that variable outside the promise, because its after the call. This guy is a senior software engineer on an iOS team and I, a trainee, have more iOS experience than him.

You shitty brat, if my HR staff didn't call you, they didn't call you. Still don't understand? Ok, simpler explanation. Because THEY DO NOT WANT YOU.

Just because we know each other doesn't mean you will get hired at my work. And you are not even a developer, you are a freaking sales man. Why the heck do you keep asking me about it?

i dont give a fuck why would you take a perfectly good domain name and shit out a fucking 80s useless website THAT DOES NOT EVEN DO ANYTHING

FUCK U

Who on here used GeoCities?

I never got to see it since I'm born after yahoo bought it but do you maybe even have your old site to showcase?^^

Chrome 63 forces .dev domains to HTTPS via preloaded HSTS.

Well, FUCK YOU google. Why do you even give a shit of my local proxy.

my busineas user asked me today.

How and why do you read log file
Does it even help..?

That moment when you feel that you are a great developer ready to do some pull requests to the framework you are using and then you check the source code of it and wonder if that's even the same language.

How do you deal with a boss who doesn't know code at all and he expects you to code for him??? How can I explain to him anything because even a single word like git confuses him... :/

Some people just don't get it. When you meet friends who are either non technical or very new to programming, all they ask you is what language do you use.

The language is important but not everything. It's what you do with it that matters. Just because you know python, doesn't mean that you can do machine learning. Even simply asking what do I do is better than that!

The language is just a tool! Learn to be language agnostic please. Be a programmer, not a code monkey

I spent the whole day on git conflicts, I know it happens sometimes. But I do feel like a slow programmer, the boss even said so by comparing me to someone who has 15 years experience by saying I produce less lines of code than than him ( I have 5 years of experience).

So everyday, I have this nagging thoughts; "you are too slow, you can't even program, what are you doing, do something else this isn't for you etc" .

And then when I solve the problem "You are the best, you know everything etc"

A constant battle between self-destructive and positive thoughts.

looks up JavaScript question, gets jQuery answer

Are you kidding me? Does anyone even do plain JS anymore?? D:

... that will take a while to upload the files to Amazon

"Do you know you can even download images via Google search and save it or print it? Guess what, that's the secret to my template images."

How do you guys keep motivation in a long term project? Cause I could be completely motivated in the first like half but then just lose interest even though I love the project itself.

That rage when you reinstall Ubuntu MATE on its partition, and it decides to nuke your Windows partition instead, with all the files you had on it too.

FFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

HOW HARD CAN IT FUCKING BE TO INSTALL YOURSELF WHERE I FUCKING TELL YOU TO? WHY THE FUCK DO YOU EVEN ASK ME WHAT TO DO, IF YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A MIND OF YOUR OWN ANYWAY?
DIE IN A FIRE

If you think that you don’t get enough fame and GitHub stars for what you do, just remember that LonelyGirl15 once was the most popular YouTube series. Have you even heard of it though?

Trying to explain to people why 6GB of RAM on a phone is overkill.

Seriously, you do know your phone can only do one thing at a time right?

And Android still shuts down the app after certain amount of time even if there is enough RAM.

Why everyone in management wants to know how i solve the bug if you do not even know what is Bootstrap. All that matter is fucking bug is resolved PERIOD

Why the hell are senior engineers coming to me me to debug and figure out issues? I don't even own this code..why should I care? Does your brain stop working as soon as you see the stack trace leave the code you have written? You are getting paid more than I do so go figure it out yourself. Why are you asshats even getting paid more than me? How did you even get there if you can't debug? Again why am i getting paid less than these asshats

So my boss wants me to build his portfolio website, and he says to me. "Yeah do whatever you want, just don't make it look like a blog." What does that even mean!? 😨

Friend (Computer Science student) - Dual boot my Windows 10 with Ubuntu
Me - I will, but chances are something bad may happen. Mostly it does not. I advise you to backup everything first.
Friend - But I don't even have an external hard drive.
Me - So what do you want me to do?
Friend - Forget it. I'll figure how to do my work in Windows
Me - But how else are you going to learn?
Friend - Ain't nobody got time for that!

When you're so antsy about getting the eff out of your current job and find a better one that you can't even think properly and do your tasks anymore...

Spotify you little shithead how often do I have to reset the random mode for you to finally play stuff at random and not loop the same 20 songs? WTF? you literraly have like 1k of them in this list and you loop 20! HOW AND WHY <.< i even pay for you. Get it together.

Anyone else feeling murderous mood today for no reason? I'm not even at work yet...

Co-Dev: The table doesn't have pagination. You said if I use your code it will have search bar and pagination.
Me: Did you initialize datatable? (we are using JQuery DataTables)
CD: No. Do I have to? How can I do it?

I. can't. even.

Fuck, my watch later playlist is full on YouTube. Why the fuck do they limit that? I even pay for premium you fuckers.

Oh fuck off. Why do you put a fucking iMac on the floor
... Face up I imagine to then have your gf step on it 😡
Why the fuck would you even allow that situation to happen

Guys do you even know that PornHub has a homepage?

I told my client i cannot do every shitty thing you say and change it again and again whenever your mood swings and it wastes lot of time doing unwanted things even if you pay me.

I m not guilty.

git rebase > git merge

I'm honestly tired of colleagues completely fucking up the git history along with creating conflicts for no reason at all.
How do you even manage to "recommit" changes when merging?

I can't even squash properly because there are 5 merge commits on the feature branch. Fuck off

My love for you I can't describe it,
so I dont't even try and hide it.
Dev. you are my one true passion
you are always there to teach me a new lesson.
Some missing semicolon;
I have searched for you soo long.
Or was it a wrong indent,
ah f**k it was the missing increment.
Thinking through endless loops
in while, for and even do form,
just that my programs do a little better perform.
You give me the possibility to express myself as who I am and who I want to be,
in so many languages, from java, JS, GO, python and even C.
You give me bugs and issues that I track,
from motivation for you I never lack.
There are projects out there, where I contribute to
oh what a beauty are you.
And now you even bring fun into my life
with devrant, I now know how to survive.
How to survive client meetings and non devs around me,
oh how much stupidity I there see.
Let's exit this small programm of mine, this so called rime,
where I an immutable statement define:

I think about you even when we are not together,
My dearest DEV I will love you forever.

Thought I'd share this gem with you. Overwriting a value by itself. Why would you even do this? It's not a single occurrence, but happens 3 times even in the same class.

First day of a group project and one of your group members utters the immortal phrase: "what's a get hub?"

Do you have to be a math genius to program?
I myself hate math but have been programming for a hobby in about 3 years now.

I keep hearing that you have to know a lot of math to program even though i usually only use basic math when i do.

When you have two managers and one of them is trying to screw you into a position on his team even though you have made it clear that you want nothing to do with that type of development.

I am looking for a new job now...

So many businesses, even if successful by targetting companies and contacting them themselves, can't get a website that actually tells what the fuck they do or offer, you can use your business buzzwords, smash some "marketing" here and there, but seriously, how would I know what you're actually doing, if I just stumble across your website and would even want to do any business with you, if all your pages are filled with absolute non-sense.

Xcode, why do you hate me? You’ll work fine for a few days and then bam, you don’t even wanna open :(
That’s all

what percentage of these dune hipsters haven't read a SINGLE word of any of the 6 books in the dune series (yes drooling losers, there are 6 of them)

I'm guessing > 90%

wow congrats you watched a 2 hour film, make it your entire identity 🤡

god the world has become ever decreasing cycles of cringe... they will decrease in time length until we reach unending - and therefore infinite - cringe

FullStackCircus Principle™

WHY THE FUCK DO YOU FUCKING RETARDS USE TWO DIFFERENT AUTHENTICATION METHODS FOR THE PAYMENT AND THE CHECKOUT API AND DON'T EVEN DOCUMENT THIS SHIT PROPERLY!! 🖕

Why do we even have IT in schools if it doesn’t teach you anything whatsoever (at least in my case it hadn’t)

take it easy
even you do not like w3schools as first result when searching for some related content? *** I just searched bootstrap tooltip *** bootstrap tooltip you heard it //

Executing git commands you found online as proposed solution to your problem without checking what they do. Not even once.

I just wondered... Is it even possible to write unit tests for an OS kernel or a bootloader?

How would you do that?

To have a genuine passion for what you do even if your work impacts that positivity.

oh THAT'S why malwiki was down...

what the fuck do you mean amplified the whole internet's dns the fuck does that even MEAN

You can do java program on dance platform, even on beach platform... Because it is platform independent

When the web conf guy bores you with very stupid and slow tech! 😐

I already have better tech for the same thing, why do you even bother to sell yourself!

Getting so comfortable in a language/framework that you do everything with it. Even if you have to shoehorn the hell out of it for a purpose it's not made for.

you call your self master of CSS and the only thing you are good at is using frameworks always for animation and every little task. you can't even do simple animation with css. FUCKING BASTARD

What do you guys think about #uploadfilter ? Are companies like Google, Facebook etc. even able to create a working copyright filter algorithm?

You should have a giant snapshot of your software at the beginning of your website.
Even if you're an open source project. Some linux DE don't do this!
We're not in 1995.

You explain something exactly. Write extra documentation and even do tutorials and videos for the approach.
And then others come along and think they want to do it completely different. And only because the colleague before them has already done so.

Every customer who has my Skype: "do you have several hours right now?"

Even with the best intentions, customers and IM don't mix.

When you use someone else’s computer and you can’t find chrome... all they have is IE or Edge... like wtf how do you even?

Pluralsight said I'm in the 85th percentile of people who know JavaScript and therefore I'm an ”Expert"

So now I walk around like, "bro do you even know how to pass a callback?" 😏

Colleague: I'll write a stored procedure that does fully qualified database table path names to access data from the other databases and then do business logic with all of it in the same proc.

Me: That will be 600 lashings.

When the designers work, look so much like shit. That even you as a developer can do it better.