A picture is worth a thousand words

a picture worth thousand words

Hello {Project}, my old friend. I've come to debug you again
Because the scope is softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was developing
And the misery that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence...

In restless dreams I debugged alone
Narrow file of cobbled code
‘Neath the halo of a desk lamp
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of git checkin
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand bugs and maybe more
People coding without asking
People coding without listening
People writing code that they never share
And no one dared
Disturb the sound of silence

Fools, said I, you do not know
{Project} like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you
But my words, like silent raindrops fell
And echoed in the wells of silence.

And the people bowed and prayed
To the kludgy app they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming
And the sign said, the words of the prophets are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls
And whispered in the sounds of silence

A picture is worth a thousand words

ten thousand hundred?

Dear Google OAuth,

you might hate me since i spammed you the whole day with access token requests.
But this is all your fault. Because you never gave me ONE SINGLE SHITTY TOKEN!!
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS "BAD REQUEST" ERROR MESSAGE?!

You're a rich as shit company with thousand and thousands of employees.
OAuth is one of your essentials cause it handles the access to all your services.
So why the hell i cannot get some smart errormessage to debug my shit.

You are like my gf, when she is mad at me and does not tell me why. But even she is a lot easier to debug!

"A picture is worth a thousand words"

No one knows the pain of that more than a front end dev trying to reduce load times of a web page.

*taking out phone in the middle of the night*
PHONE: MAY THE LIGHT OF ONE THOUSAND SUNS PIERCE YOUR MORTAL EYES

When anyone tells you some app idea you have already heard a thousand times, do you throw a OutOfFucksToGiveException?

Bought new headphones because my current ones' input fucked up again. Already ordered a new one for free but hours of traveling today without music isn't really an option for me.

New headphones don't work on devices without usb ports! 😭.

Went back to the store because I didn't know that and thought they were just failing and got it explained there. No money back because they were working fine.

Me: "well fuck me right now, then I'll just travel without music today :'(".
Guy: *grabs something from a closet thingy* "Here you go, a pair of earphones!"
Me: "Awesome! How much?"
Guy: "Enjoy your traveling man!".

😮

Thanks a thousand times to that guy!

Coolest project: I once worked for a customer who hosted an exhibition for a few thousand visitors in a big event arena in Stockholm.

They didn't want to use the existing ticket reading system on the arena so I had to build my own application compatible with barcode scanners (they said this about one week before the event).

It wasn't a complicated application to dev but with the tight deadline and no time to actually stress test it, it was the coolest thing to see hundreds of people streaming through the ticket station flawlessly.

Day 2 of the event I built a simple web application so I could see the flow rate of read tickets while I sat in the arena pub with a beer.

Friend: You make games right?

Me: Yea I try to atleast, why?

Friend: I have this cool idea for an MMORPG with fantasy elements and dragons and stuff!

Me: Well thats a lot of work, just setting up serv-

Friend: We can have a bunch of cool stuff like Sandbox stuff, Guild battles and 100v100 pvp

Me: As I was trying to say, it would requi-

Friend: OH We need space for atleast 10 thousand people on each server!

Me: ... Good luck buddy!

I know that my coworker can't write a single fucking operable line of code. So I wrote a script that is called everytime someone pushes new commits. If the commits contain the username of my coworker, create a ticket in YouTrack with the Label "Rewrite", and assign it to the files changed.
So I had that running for a longer time, and my dumbfuck of coworker hardcoded the credentials of the server in a networking library. One of the credentials was his username. He then updated the copyright on the whole project(which adds a copyright in the top of every file), also in the included librarys(!). The script had a check if the files are related to the project or just librarys. In the end, he pushed all of that with another account(in fact, a reporter account), which had another name(and didn't even belong him). So the files didn't belong to the project, the script sees his username anyways, the script assigns a rewrite, and in the end, everyone in the team thinks I'm mad because I(the script with my account) assigned a rewrite to a HUGE library.

PS: It was great fun to remove these copyright notices.

Motherfucker. It's two thousand fucking seventeen. You can get a free ssl certificate for any website.

Then WHY are there still some fucking websites which contain login portals, sensitive information or anything that SHOULD be protected in transit WITHOUT FUCKING SSL?!

I hope that the people who manage those sites and are AWARE that they can get a free cert but don't do that die in agonising pain.

This really fucking pisses me off.

On another note, EVERY site should have SSL, it's free anyways and protects your visitors from a range of threats.-

A picture is better than a thousand words

Why does this app has over 100 thousand downloads?

Manager: 'Please remove this checkbox from that page.'

Me: 'Sure thing, it was stupid anyway. Just gimme a couple of minutes.'

Legacy code: 'LOL the checkbox is wired to everything else and if you simply remove it the backend will shit itself. There is several hundred lines of inline Javascript in the HTML template with some Thymeleaf stuff managing the form data or just are there to make the code less readable. The controller for the page is a bit more than a thousand lines of spaghetti, no easy way to find where is that specific data necessary and where can be easily removed. Class variables declared between methods, dozens of nested if statements checking shit in every method and the data is passed through like half a dozen other classes. Good luck with that!'

Me: '💩.'

Ex-coworker of mine fixed this bug a week after the site was launched and has gathered several thousand users in database.

Yep its exactly what you think it is, each time one user would update its infos, it would update his infos to all the users in the database.

Luckily I was not in charge of the project in that time, so it was really fun to watch how everyone's name was changing every couple of minutes for a whole week :D

Simple 1 day task. This idiot takes two weeks and after 7 days of hounding finally opens a pull request.

I go in to review the code. Should be a simple 10-15 line patch.

13,000 lines of code changed.

THIRTEEN THOUSAND!

"I fixed a bunch of formatting mistakes and replaced all instances of single quotes to double. Consistency is important you know."

I saw this and thought "Wow, only one ++ away from 10,000!"

To all Juniors here(myself included):

If you ever feel discouraged just remember that a few thousand irrelavant mongolian horse nomads managed to conquer half of the known world in less than a hundred years, destroying countless empires and cultures far more sophisticated than their own using nothing but their wits and their brutal willpower.

If they could build a realm from Korea to Poland usibg horses, you can build some software using keyboards.

Today I gained thousand ++'s and got a dog... I left the dog home alone and
...

The importance of version control. Had a school project at a real company and i didn't understand it so i said fuck it. Then someone asked me to alter the js library a little and push/pull that to the server. I thought fuck it, altered it and accidentally pressed save (automatic ftp upload). Suddenly the file was overwritten (that guy worked on it for 6 fucking hours) and it went from like a thousand lines to just a few. We did restore it from the browser. He said: either you're going to use git or you're out.

Then i started using git.

***Interviewing potential sys admins so us devs don't have to build everything and run everything***

Coworker: Do you know how to use cron and cron jobs?

Candidate: Yes I'm familiar with setting up users and permissions.

Me: 😳

Coworker: 😳

Boss: We will give you a call have a good day.

If you had just admitted you didn't know but we thought you could learn we might have been open to teaching you but brazenly acting like you know something when you don't is dangerous if you're running a multi thousand user production system.

DevRant feels a lot like home. Not because I'm a pro developer - I'll probably never be one. But because I get to spend time with "my people". It's like when I went to Dreamhack for work and after 30+ years of being weird there were suddenly over four thousand people just like me.

There is no shortage of online IT culture but devRant is unique. It could have become the usual cesspool of hate, misogony, trolling but hasn't. Somehow it gives me hope to se a place meant for blowing of steam turning out to be one of the more respectful communities. So - thanks people! Your rants actually make my days a little better.

Two thousand fucking eighteen people!!!!
Stop this non sense "get a plane" for a fucking meeting that could be a fucking video conference.

Wtf? Everyone here seems to be addicted to flying, specially upper management... And if we need a new switch to keep the network running? Oh, for that we have no money :)

FUCK WORDPRESS

FUCKING FUCK THIS GODFORSAKEN CMS

FUCK THE GUY WHO USED PLUGINS WHO BREAK WHEN I TRY TO UPGRADE FROM PHP 5 TO PHP 7

FUCK THE THEME BUILDER WHICH WON'T WORK UNLESS I SWITCH TO PHP 7

FUCK THIS ENTIRE WEBSITE WHICH DEPENDS ON A PHP VERSION THAT HAS REACHED END OF LIFE ONE FUCKING YEAR AGO

FUCK THE OLD PEOPLE THAT ADMINISTER IT, AND DON'T WANT TO LEARN HOW TO USE NEW PLUGINS AND KEEP USING THE OLD, BROKEN AND UN-MAINTAINABLE ONES

special mention: fuck this one fucking plugin who claims to implement paypal when it doesn't actually work, and the 2 fucking thousand of JQuery lines I have to go through to fix it

OMFG!! I just discover a fucking bug in a library used by thousand of people in scientific community!! 🤩🎉

Started when my program outputting strange result. I was in a huge fight with my supervisor about one of the function from the library. My hunch was telling me that this function is the source of the problem, but he insisted that no such bugs could exist in the library that has been used by thousands of people.

I couldn't reproduce the bug so I just stayed silent at that time,
But now, I finally got the bug showing. Yeah I am gonna shove it to his face next week.✊
I will also let the people who maintain the library know.
Feels so good being able to be a contributor PR to this famous library 😎

The downside is now I can't use this function, I have to implement by own function.

Manager: We are hiring a new graphic designer today. Can you get him settled in, please?
Me: Sure, I can do that.
Me: *shakes hand of new recruit.*
Me: I've heard great things about you.
Him: *starts going off on all his experience*
Me: that's great. Let's see what you got.

Several hours later...

Me: can I see what you got?
Him: just putting the last finishing touches on this logo.
Me: is that MSPaint!?
Him: yeah! It's good right?
Me: um...

I once reviewed a Pull Request made by a fairly junior developer. They had joined recently, and this was one of the first times they had to touch a bigger part of the code.

Due to a mix of inexperience, new (to them) coding standards and lack of git knowledge, they ended up with a mess of a PR, with a few thousand lines changed, and no way to split it off.
I ended up spending the best part of a day reviewing the whole thing and requesting changes.

Even with the long list of improvements, however, I wasn't sure they would get the magnitude of their fuckup.
So I decided to use a real-world, palpable way to show them what they had done: I went and printed the github diff for that PR. It rendered the glorious amount of 73 pages.

I'll never forget their face, and those of their teammates, when I barged into the room with a thick wad of paper and deposited them on their desk.

At least it worked. I never saw another big, ill-thought pull request from them again.

Gf: "Why are you such a typist"

Me: "I promise not to buy more keyboards with blue switches..."

Gf: "No, I mean like being racist or sexist, but you discriminate types"

Me: "Uhhh"

Gf: "You are always bitching about how awful date/time types are, with timezones, leap seconds and daylight savings"

Me: Face turns pale, thousand yard stare, vietnam-flashback to when I was writing a calendar scheduling/meeting/matching tool which used 3 databases, with timestamps in different formats, and web frontends for people in offices around the world.

Me, with a soft broken voice: "So?"

Gf: "You've been working on that palette tool this week, and you keep talking about how interesting all these colorspaces, white balances and conversion formulas are"

Me: 🤔

I HOPED I WOULDN'T BE BALD AS MY DAD BUT AT THIS RATE I WILL BE HAIRLESS FROM TEARING IT OUT ON MY BLOODY OWN

I got hired for cleaning up a 2 year project of rushed spaghetti code , where they previously only had 1 programmer aND HE WROTE 37 THOUSAND LINES OF CODE!

OH WE NEED A NEW FEATURE?! LEMME JUST RESEARCH THIS COMMENT-LESS CRAP FOR MULTIPLE MILLENIA BEFORE I CAN GRASP WHAT THE FLYING FRICKIN FRIDGE CODE DOES

To top it off, I've about ONE MONTH LEFT BEFORE BETA RELEASE TO FIX THE CODE!

I'm super grateful for this job as it's my first programming job BUT I'M GONNA SET THE REPOSITORY ON FIRE SOON AAAAHHHHHH

HOW CAN YOU, THE PREVIOUS PROGRAMMER, WORK IN THIS ENVIRONMENT WHERE MOSTLY ALL FILES ARE +2000 ROWS OF UNDOCUMENTED CODE

OH AND JUST GOT A MESSAGE FROM THE PREVIOUS PROGRAMMER:
"You can just remove the unused code and refractor it some, izi"

IZI MY SHITTY POOP CAR
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Now with that out of the way, how would you recommend handling a stressful release deadline?

Time to change my skills from PHP developer to AI researcher, Blockchain engineer and grab some thousand dollars deal on Freelancer

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me a thousand times, you must be the writer of the JSwing-dokumentation

I love how some services have trap pricing, pretty much like drug dealers of the interwebs.

Me: I would like to send e-mail to my clients.

Company: Sure bro, here, take our service, you can send emails to all your clients, just 5€ per month!

A year later

Me: I have now over thousand customers, I would like to send more emails and implement some new features.

Company: Thousand customers you say?

Me: Yeah

Company: All in our servers you say?

Me: Yeah, thanks for the great service!

Company: Sure, no problem. We can enable you additional services for 40 000€ per month, half of your liver and two of your first born babies.

So a thousand dollar phone will let you make shit of yourself....

> TeamLeader1: I just discovered SQL is actually super fast! The low responsiveness I've experienced comes from our ORM!
> IHateForALiving: well of course SQL is blazingly fast. SQL has been refined by the best engineers in the world for the past 50 years, its performances are unparalleled for everything you could possibly need, unless you want to scale REALLY big. Sequelize, instead, is an Active Record ORM, so it's bound to struggle with huge amount of data, because every single row will get attached a significant amount of black magic to make sure everything syncs correctly. Why is that?
> TeamLeader1: I have a problem with this frontend component, it doesn't allow pagination. I tried downloading the whole DB to bypass that, but the ORM is slow... so I will bypass the ORM and download the whole table with a raw query. Look at that! It works like a charm, it's super duper fast!'

This mf is downloading some 35 thousand rows every time some user loads a page because he doesn't know how to paginate the fucking table with Angular, there's no way these people are real.

For 10 thousand years I have pronounced "Nginx" as "En ginns" just found out from Ubuntu's official page that it is pronouned "Engine-X".
What a shame (－‸ლ)

I just want to thank StackOverflow. You saved my ass thousand times :*

FUCK Android, whoever invented this piece of shit should be really proud of themselves... And yes, this rant comes from an iOS developer who's working on a project in react-native... Why the fuck everything should always work on iOS but the same thing is fragile as shit on Android? Why the fuck there's a thousand of different versions of every Android package and every single one breaks another? Why the fuck Android is so fragmented... If this piece of shit is the definition of "openness" then I'd really prefer the "closeness" of iOS... Totally reminds me of how much I hated IE6 back in the web development days

Thousand different browsers

Well, fuck. The CTO of our startup decided to migrate data of our hundred thousand customers from a stable functioning platform to an in-house unstable platform with severe performance issues, to "save" costs, despite our repeated requests. He made us not have any contingency plans because he wanted to "motivate" us to complete the migration.

Result- we have a thousand customers reporting major issues daily, which is causing loss of revenue to both us and them. The company ran out of funding. Most of the team members were fired. And he's expecting the rest of us to magically fix everything. Dunno what kind of office politics is this, in which you're sabotaging Your Own company.

Looking for a new job now to get out of this hellhole. I really used to love this company. Feels sad to see it ruined like this.

I used to do freelancing gigs as a kid, maybe 5/6 years ago, I'd remotely fix software issues on fiver for 5€ which would pay for a game every once in a while.

Now, it was pretty common to get customers from all around the world, and I never had any issues whatsoever until I got a message from a potential customer from south Korea...

She had purchased a karaoke machine, but the software wouldn't add anything to its library making the machine useless.

Well, apparently the software was in Korean...

After a LOT of fiddling around I got it to turn into French, and I was able to try a few things and after about 3 hours I managed to "fix" the thing.

3 hours of headaches in Korean for 5€... That's when I stopped doing that and took up an IT education and became a dev, so much better, although I miss the gratitude I used to get from my customers when I fixed their printer connectivity issues from a few thousand kilometers away

No code review for hundreds of thousand $ app with oldest stack pile of shit

So instead of using the budget of 7k$ to buy all the plugins the old developer needed, he torrented more than half of them and deployed the system

which ended up in 20 thousand users including companies reporting a breach, because avira etc reported some kind of drive-by scripts on the new website

what a fucking buffoon, the most annoying thing about this is, that all the plugins had a "license file", so I didn't even first get, where all that shit is coming from

I'm such an idiot.

Spilled water on my MacBook today. Not that much water, but the cup landed right in the middle of my keyboard.

Worst part is I was gaming with my sister and didn't want to stop. So I wiped it off and shook it out a bit and kept playing. A bit later the screen started flickering and eventually went black.

Finally my brain turned on and I switched it off, shook out some more water, and set it up to dry. Just hoping it's not too late.

At least the drying setup recommended by the internet is pretty hilarious looking.

Now we play the waiting game. They say 72 hours before turning it on again. Seems a bit extreme. Will there still be moisture evaporating 3 days later? Not sure I can wait that long to see if it's toast.

Such an idiot.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCKING FUCK MICROSOFT?!!
I go to log into my laptop:
me: *enter the pin*
Windows: Error
me: Ok let's try the password...
Win: WRONG PASSWORD!
me: *checking my password manager* Nope, pretty sure that's correct... Ok, whatever let's try to reset it.
me: *generates new password and resets the password for the account*
Windows: You can now log in
me: *enters the new password*
Windows: WRONG PASSWORD!
me: that's weird... let's try that again
Windows: WRONG PASSWORD!
me: Ok... reset once more *I enter the same password I generated before*
Windows: ThAt Is An OlD pAsSwOrD
me: *getting really pissed* FINE, GODDAMIT, HERE, NEW PASSWORD
Windows: You can now log in
me: *enters the new new password*
Windows: wRoNg PaSsWoRd!

jdjsjcjj+3+@!o(€;#@!(&(1!!#((#(€_"jsjeucjcjfdjosdifhshabxnfnxjsosoguwqlqqlall#7@+1(
aaaaaáaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
YOU FUCKING INCOMPETENT CUNTS AT MICROSOFT!!!!!1!!!!!!!

I'M GONNA FUCKING TEAR YOU INTO THOUSAND PIECES AND THEN RUN YOU THROUGH A SHREDDER!!

YOU MOTHERFUCKING IDIOTIC CUNTS
FREAKING DEGENERATES

A client of mine kept getting hit with a ransomware that was spread over rdp. So I set aside this whole week going to different sites this guy owns. Setting up a VPN tunnel and showing them how to use it. So they didn't have to rdp anymore. No more having a server with rdp facing on the outside of there network. They were all linked in like they were in the same office. I traveled around 400 miles going to all these locations. I finally got it done went back to the main office to talk to the owner. Instead of a thank first thing they say as soon as I walk in is to revert it all. We are going with a different company and they are buying new computers and server from the other company. After he tells me that he then says but when the new computers come in will you come and set them up for us because we are stupid with computers.

I reverted the stuff and walked out. Didn't say a word to him. Didn't agree to set up the new computers. Why should I set them up. He just pretty much bent me over and screwed me out of a extra couple thousand dollars.

Hi im Bind, i know 2 good programming jokes and 7 thousand that will make you go "meh"

FUCK THESE FUCKING ARTICLES THAT MAKE YOU CLICK THROUGH 87290 COCK SUCKING PAGES TO READ THE SHIT. ESPECIALLY WHEN ITS ONLY LIKE TWO PARAGRAPHS WORTH OF STUFF!!

AND FUCK YOU EVEN MORE FOR ALLOWING THESE DISGUSTINGLY LARGE ADS TO TAKE UP NEARLY THE ENTIRE DAMN SCREEN SO ITS ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO CLICK ONE.

I just wanted to read some shit I didnt know about the Trojan War but now ill neVER FUCKING KNOW BECAUSE IM NOT GONNA CLICK A THOUSAND TIMES THROUGH A MINE FIELD TO FUCKING FIND OUT.

Sitting at home debugging code for the fun of it when... "I would debug 500 bugs, and I would debug 500 more. Just to be the man who debugged a thousand bugs to fall asleep on the floor."

When you and your team just gave a thousand reasons why you should do it the right way and your PM just nodded and continue to argue for the retarded way to do it cause it's faster ..

Yesterday I accidentally fried my Arduino Mega with the heat of a thousand suns, but I got a new one!

A project got pushed live before it was finished, the final piece was supposed to enter site visitors into a draw to win a very expensive prize, but the first few thousand visitors hit the unfinished placeholder page...telling them they'd won said prize. Got noticed pretty quickly, not before a few million had to be claimed in business insurance to pay several thousand 'winners' off. The finger-pointing in the aftermath was quite fun to watch.

QA is essential.

Overheating The Javascript Ecosystem

Paranoid thought: You know, in the course of every day, being the corrupt piece of shit that I am, whenever I see a scandal or what looks like shenanigans-in-the-making, I ask myself

"Wisecrack, is this a fucking scam or con of some sort?"

I was recently asking myself this about javascript.

Not the language per se, but the ecosystem.

I noticed how there are a thousand CLIs for simple shit. Another four thousand for page long libraries, for simpleton level shit (because prototypes are designed after satans own aborted love-child of object models). I noticed another eight thousand guys imitating steve jobs, talking at conferences and 'change the world' high-on-huffing-my-own-shit TEDX talks like rubyists that don't realize the world has moved on, all to hawk books and inflate CVs for cushy positions at major tech firms and the herd of dicksuckers following the next fad off a cliff like lemmings. And another eight thousand 'tech journalists' pushing them off the cliff while begging for outrage and hype dollars and slowly circling like vultures above the drain that is the ad-based economy.

And I thought to myself.

"Wisecrack, who benefits from all this noisy self-indulgent horseshit? Where is all the money coming from for all these books, conferences, meetings, publications, media, bread, and circuses?"

"I don't know wisecrack. But if I were the CEO of a big company, threatened by the prospect of a universal language, or universal platform, like flash, but one I couldn't kill like flash, I would try to do the most corrupt thing I could think of."

"Whats that wisecrack?"

"I would try to 'overheat' the ecosystem by selectively hiring people from that ecosystem, pumping money into a boatload of similar products, all in the hopes of provoking the equivalent of an immune overreaction, imitators all flooding the ecosystem with the same shit in different packages, self promoting sycophants, aggrenadizing social media idiots, tools sold as tools, hyped as 'the next coming of steve jobs', overcooked shit that focuses on ceremony over functionality, ritual over productivity, documentation over innovation like some sort of amazonion infinite nesting doll hellscape of documents linking to documents linking to documents, each one a new circle of dantes inferno, where the definition of anything links to another document that says "see also xyz", and I would convince them that they had done it to themselves."

And then I would push typescript as their lord, savior, and master. "

"How do you know all this wisecrack?"

"Because I am a piece of shit, and, this is what I would do in any executive's shoes."

That feeling of getting something to work in Linux after a thousand Google searches and trying a hundred commands

I was at a college career fair and had a list of 20 booths to visit. There were maybe a thousand other applicants. I was the only one in pink (technically coral) shoes. I'd walked four miles in those heels and had blisters everywhere I could from them.

At my last booth, the guy says "Oh! Pink shoes! I've been noticing them all day! Nice to meet you, I'm X." I gave him my background and resume, talked about the kinds of problems I wanted to solve and was invited to interview with them.

On my way home, I walked barefoot through downtown despite the ice on the sidewalks just to get out of those damn shoes.

A few weeks later, I got the job.

I happen to be the only girl in my small dev team of 4 males plus me.
I'm freaking tired of hearing 'hey guys','how are you doing guys', 'what's the update guys' in every meeting/call when one of them is addressing the rest of us.
Yeah i know I/they can't do anything about it. I somehow grew numb to hearing it, but sometimes hearing it one thousand time in a single call is driving me crazy.
I once mentioned it to an a senior dev who happens to be the one using the g word the most during meeting.
Me: could you please stop saying guys all the time, I'm not a guy.
Him: what do you want me to say, 'hey guys and a girl?!'
Me: ... -_- (internally: seriously!!)

Uugh.

Am I the only one whose classmates are listing "Google pictures"/"Google Bilder" as source after a presentation although they got told that isn't a source like a thousand times?

So the CEO called me down about a super urgent bug that needs to be fixed or we will loose several hundred thousand pounds of business.

I rush down to his office and there he has a graph "look the values are barely moving i would expect the values to be more erratic this time of day"

*i look at the graph*

"Errrr your looking at 02:00 in the morning, it's 14:00"

Boss: ahh good spot *looks at 14:00* yea that looks good, great job.

A friend of mine got an account hacked on Crunchyroll. Whenever he tried to login, the website told him that no account with his email existed. As I had two accounts, I tried something real quick. I logged in to the account I'm not using and tried to change the email address to a 10 minute mail. I logged into my own email account patiently waiting for a confirmation email. After 10 minutes I still hadn't received it. So I checked the 10 minute mail, and there it was. I can't describe how furious I got with Crunchyroll at that point. Are you for real? It's that easy? Fucking idiots. I hope the guy responsible for that system dies in a fire with a thousand rubber penises up his ass!

Day 1 of my 1000 job applications TikTok challenge

Goal:
- apply to 9 different jobs per day
- see if i can break the Guinness World Record of being rejected 1 thousand (1000) times

Stats so far:
- 9 job applications
- 0 replies
- 0 hires

Will be documenting this on devrant too

Uh-oh shit went wrong with umpteen thousand jobs in a pointer heavy, multi-threaded application in raw C. Fuck, some pointer gone wild?!

30 minutes later, after trying to find out how many jobs it takes to start failing. Noticed that it's about the default settings. Wait what? That's where the realloc'ing should kick in, check that.

Aahhhh. Maybe I shouldn't zero the whole buffer after realloc, just the new part. D'uh!

The last several weeks I've been coding at 100%, most all day and well into the night. Today, I just can't.

Things I have done today:

*Watched Netflix.

*Walked around outside a bit.

*Let my 18 month old daughter type all over my code

* Closed mysterious dialogs and menus daughter opened up that I couldn't open if I tried

*Watched the Mets score 10 runs on the Phillies in the top of the 5th inning

*Browsed devRant

*Stared at stuff

* Cleaned up a few thousand emails out of my inbox

* Added filters to never see them again

* Noted impending deadlines on the calendar

* Stared at more stuff

In the meantime so many more ideas have come flooding in on how to proceed with these various features I'm working on. Can't even run from work.

So, no such thing as laziness, because apparent laziness is also productive. The exhaustion becomes doubly frustrating because there's just no way to physically keep up with the breakthroughs.

I'm still just staring out the window. It's raining now. Today is done.

The entire IT department was HATED by the rest of the company at the last place I worked because of the complete ineptitude of the IT director and the executives refusing to do anything about it.

I was hired as a sys-admin and on my first day I knew I was in trouble. The help desk was just two guys and the only other sys-admin was the IT director. Our tiny team was supposed to handle everything for a company with a couple thousand employees spread across the country.

There was a budget for staffing but nobody would stick around for too long because of the IT director.

Here are some highlights:

- Servers were so far out of date that it was scary

- There was no documentation besides an excel spreadsheet with some passwords and IPs

- He just DISAPPEARED for a month ???

Turns out, he's related to one of the executives and was given the position with next to no prior experience. Nepotism is a bitch and I'm so glad I was only there for six months.

A: Done job for today.
B: Let me check your code.
A: Sure.
B: Only 6 lines of code in a day?
A: Yup, 6 line of code is better than 1000 thousand line that can do the same thing.
B: 😑😑😑

Colleague: v1 of your Bot + dashboard is due the end of March right? Hows it going?

Me: Well they say a picture speaks a thousand words so:

Python. Ok, so it's a really cool language, as a scripting language it's awesome, quick to write.

When it's been used to make full fledged oop programs that you suddenly have to maintain things like duck typing become problematic. Looking at an object fuck knows what methods are available. Worse still when some bastard that thinks he's being clever doesn't bother declaring any object attributes and instead overrides the __set_attr method to dynamically add them as they are used there is no hope for the poor sod that has to maintain it later.

I've also now worked out I'm at least the 3rd person having been given the task of maintaining it, i spent a day changing CLI options wondering why they didn't do anything but occasionally crash the app. I've now found a few thousand lines deep that someone had hard-coded these values because they couldn't work out where to get the CLI args from!

I've gained a new appreciation for nominative, strictly typed languages.

When I wasn’t the lead yet there are so many things I want to do and improve. I have asked and judged my lead’s choices a thousand times for choosing the easy and fast way instead of the right way.

Now that he left and his role was given to me, I can now sense the same judgements from my members to the decisions I make (or not make).
I now understand. We don’t always have the luxury of time. If I say yes to improving everything at once then our app will never be done. (That our bosses will blame me for)

Our project schedule is quite full at the moment, we are basically at the limit for the next three months.

In comes one of our sales people: "Hey, can we squeeze in a little project, nothing fancy just a very basic static web page." (No question mark there, it was not a question...)

I say no, we are full, the deadline is to tight (3 weeks), can't do it.

In comes boss: "Sure you can, just push everything else back." (We won't change deadlines, what he actually means is for us to do unpaid overtime for two months so he can barocke make a few thousand extra bucks...)

So I cave and allow it. It were just 4 hours of work, we can squeeze it in, maybe do a little less R&D this month.

Next day, the project scope changed, suddenly we are not taking about 4 hours but 80. Sure, we can squeeze two extra weeks into the month.

That is when I realized, I don't hate my work, just my work environment.

Someone I know lost a job opportunity to an indian "consulting firm" later to be approached by the developers of said firm to help with a joke of a compensation.

This is glorious and one of the primary reasons why I hate trying to freelance.

Just imagine having an email with a thousand "Sir, please give how to do .....sir please this sir please that"

Absolutely gorgeous.

Imagine saving Integers and Floats in a MySQL table as strings containing locale based thousand sepatators...
man... fickt das hart!

Wait, there's more!
Imagine storing a field containing list of object data as a CSV in a single table column instead of using JSON format or a separate DB table.... and later parsing it by splitting the CSV string on ";"...

There's nothing like sitting on the edge of your seat when you see a monster batch of records get sent updates.

This system was built 5 years ago and it's "peak" batch size has been < 400 records in a day, it usually sits around < 100.

It's not a big system and just runs in the background. So yea small numbers for this guy.

today though, I thought something fell down and shit its self, someone decided to add a a few thousand records to this thing and update a fuck tonne of data (for this system anyway)😬

The damn thing is standing it's ground and churning, but fuck, the scale of things is beyond what we ever thought it would have to deal with at any one time.

Build for the insane benchmarks kids, one day... someone's going to drop an elephant on it.

I'll just leave this here. Photo tells more than a thousand words.

Urgh, fucking excel!
Why the fuck can't you handle a few thousand calculations you dumb ass piece of shit.

I am this close to... fuck, it crashed. 🤦‍♂️

I fucking give up.
Time to strap this data to a DB instead.

Fucking kill me. Is this really all we do with our lives?

1,715 JIRA-related emails. ALMOST TWO THOUSAND EMAILS. I mean seriously, that's BY FAR the largest email filter I've got. I mean I had them muted of course, but when you really think about the whole thing... are we just wasting our lives chasing some garbage that doesn't really matter? ugh.

Death approaches...

I consider just strangling somebody because iOS14 fucked all legacy Google Cardboard SDK apps overnight.

8 months already, still can't get all my old apps to work, for a thousand reasons.

If I didn't know better, I'd sue somebody. But it's apple, and I'm not Epic, so fuck me.

"Ohh dude why dontya just rewrite your apps to support Unity XR? hurr durr easy peasy lol so cheesy"
I'm tryin, but it's so underdeveloped and featureless, that I need to rewrite and create everything, and in some cases I can't because old apps had many dependencies. I am porting all my prefabs for hundreds of unpaid hours over the last 3 quarters already, and keep getting stuck.

Today I just extended an 8th deadline set by my clients. Each of those are exponentially more explosive and demotivating. It's not just the question of losing money for them - some of their careers depend on these apps I had made. (Long story, but it's exactly like that)

WHAT HAPPENED TO MAINTAINING LEGACY SUPPORT?!?! Nobody asked anyone to deprecate perfectly well working gyro/accel api on all <5 year old iPhones overnight TIM.

(the meeting)

I've had a non-IT world colleague ask me to build a website, I asked if it's a static website like resume etc with no database & stuff. I quoted $1000 if that's the case since that's minimal maintenance
He goes he needs a simple website, like eBay to sell his products. Also need features like Amazon, integration of various payments. And this and that.

For $1000 !!

I felt good that he thinks I can make an e-commerce site but f¢k that thinking man.. I told him to hire a freelancer and told him about few sites.

Maybe we'll see a thousand dollar e-commerce site, haha I only hope the payments part is secure 😂😂 I ain't buying anything anyways. I'm 99 % sure nobody's gonna do it and next time we talk, he's gonna be like 1000 and a 50 haha

There is this minor problem that won't affect any user in thousand years...

But then a developer notices it one day before release

Just finished a project that was estimated to be 8 weeks long with 2 devs. I was given the project 2 weeks ago with no one else to work with. It's going to a few hundred thousand users tomorrow.

Still underpaid and stressing over rent.

Definitely still not getting that salary adjustment...

Fuck this shit. 😐

Bought an S9. One thousand times better than an iPhone. Thank fuck. Finally rid of apple after 6 years. Took long enough.

I just don't have words.....

Yesterday I had message from our CEO, that one of our biggest and most important project's CEO have told her that there is spelling mistake in my email signature and people there will judge because of that.

PS: I had Enginner instead of Engineer in such small font that even no one even noticed in entire year not even me.(I don't even feel ashamed for that it was not intentional and it does not make me bad at what I do at my work)

I just want to ask you guys are people really that bad they judge based on spellings? and not on work and their dedication?
I think there will be thousand of people who can't even speak or write English but are more innovative.

Damn procrastination, I'm sure I would've finished a thousand projects already, I just hate my brain...

Holy shit, UNIX is really ten thousand days old?

WHAT THE FUCK?
CMAKE you pathetic collection of loosely bundled scripts written in a shitty macro language!
WHY? WHY? WHY?
WHY DO YOU REFUSE TO OUT OF SOURCE BUILD?
IT WORKED FINE LIKE 2 SECONDS AGO! I HATE YOU WITH THE FIRE OF A THOUSAND STARS!

Not a rant, but still relevant:
GET YOURSELF A PROPER ERGONOMIC CHAIR!

I'm pushing 30, but have been coding/messing with computers since i was a barely a teenager.
I code at work and i code at home, and while i consider myself decently fit and observe decent routine regarding standing up regularly at work, my lower back is still all kinds of fucked. (Facet Joint Disease - look it up if you are bored)

This is SUPER common in our field and i figure most of you here are working more and more from home, from you couch probably. This is killing your back, and let me tell you, coding is freaking difficult when you feel like the thousand knives of the management layer is in your back literally instead of metaphorically.

You will be sitting in the same damn chair/set of chairs for the majority of rest of your life, make sure its good, preferably before your back is screwed.

Not sure if it was 2016 or late 2015, but it's a fun story anyway (and if it's not you'll at least learn something from it).

Back at the time I was quite new to unit testing (weird how it has become second nature in a years time). I was writing some software that was supposed to send out some SMS to customers. Of course this had to be tested. However, it was a bit difficult to test (or so I thought) without actually receiving an SMS to know if it was sent. So I decided to use the live API key to make sure the sending of SMS was actually working correctly. I tried it a few times but didn't receive an SMS. So I kept working on it and running tests.

The testing setup I had at the time was just a continues loop that went through all tests to make sure it all still worked (I've moved to only checking on file changes now, but that is besides the point). Keep in mind I was still running these tests, in a loop, with the _live_ API key.

So the end of the working day arrives and I go home and sit in the train. All of the sudden I receive some test SMS. I was thinking "hey nice, it did work". Then I started receiving more. It soon turned out to be an alarmingly big amount of SMS. It stopped around 100, but don't think that was the end of it. Oh no. I had changed the number to send the SMS to from my own number to a different number (+31612345678 to be exact, which I found out later isn't an actual phone number. I really hope I was right about that). I was beginning to become nervous, but there wasn't much I could do.

The next day I returned to work and checked the API for sent SMS. Turns out I had sent a couple of thousand (I think between two and three thousand) SMS in a couple of hours. Most of them to the test number I had supplied.

This probably cost the company a couple of hundred euros. Luckily my colleagues and team leader all thought it was pretty funny, but did tell me not to do it again. And I haven't of course.

Lesson learned: don't use live API keys during testing (among other things :)).

So yeah that was probably my worst dev experience.

As if my head couldn’t get any bigger... today we had the guys from the static analysis tool come in to show us how to use the tool and all that... the guys tell us don’t be alarmed, everyone who runs the tool for the first time has thousands and thousands of errors... my co worker did his as a “demo” and had 44 thousand MISRA errors. And a McCabe Complexity score of 700 in main().. I laughed ... and he and the guys from the tool laughed and said well fine then let’s see yours... so they set mine up to run, the room was silent, as I just smiled... only 2 MISRA mandatory errors.. and a few dozen required MISRA errors. My main McCabe score was 13.... understand both software project are working, and do very similar functions, only difference is different generation of product and who programmed it...

My boss walked in the room ... and says sooo how bad was Chris’ code as a joke... and the static analysis tool guys (who literally check people’s code for a living!) says ugh no sir, you have a very talented software engineer on your hands... we’ve never seen someone run the tool and have that few of issues... my co worker was very jealous to say the least...

Seven thousand dependants.
Effort level: ponyfill

A picture says thousand words

Just went out from a 12+ hours session of debugging.

After removing bits of code until there was almost nothing left, sweeping through StackOverflow, step-debugging into thousand-lines framework source code, running tests, considering filing a bug to Android...

turns out I had a
getFragmentManager()
that should actually have been
getChildFragmentManager().

Why did I volunteer to this shit...

I am supposed to maintain 4 old websites (like they were written 10+ years ago..). It's written in PHP, before mysqli, so all the calls to the DB is with mysql functions.. Now the server is to be updated and run PHP7.... guess what? those functions don't exist any more.... Now I have to patch several thousand files to use the mysqli functions... And no, there is no reason to rewrite it more than that, as I'm also developing the new versions om the sites, but those are so far from done and the new server needs the update as soon as possible, so bodging the shit out of this one...

Oh god the amount of repetitive labor 😫☹😭

And I'm not getting paid, because I'm doing it for my scout group... Tho they pay some of the Pizza 😜

NO. NO. A THOUSAND TIMES: NO.

I clicked on this out of genuine curiosity to see if someone was finally trying to discourage people from annoying the shit out of website visitors. A summary of the suggestions in their article as to what to use popups for:

1. Announce new products/services, features, policy updates, new blog posts
2. Promote your sales or coupons (including countdowns)
3. Encourage people to input their e-mail address / subscribe, perhaps also offering some vague thing they will get as a reward for doing so
4. Contact forms (e.g. support etc.)
5. Prompt visitors to confirm their age before showing content
6. Login/register forms
7. Display social media "share" buttons when a visitor has scrolled a certain way through the page content.
8. Display cookie consent prompt.
9. Help guide visitors to the part of the website they want to go to.

Of these: 1, 2, 3, and 7 need to die for sure. If a website does any of these things I'm inclined to immediately leave and never return. 8 is a little annoying but seems a necessity.

Someone even replied to the Tweet saying that popups are annoying, the company responded with "let's change that!"

Blank portions of the screenshot are to avoid promoting the company unintentionally as a result of the rant ;)

During an internship, I spent some time automating reports with VBA. Basically, imagine a few big excel sheets with 1000 formulas and a few thousand lines of VBA.
One of the reports was handed directly to the bosses boss of our boss. After 4 weeks, he came to me and asked why the table entry in row 23 or so was always 84. Well.. I dont know. This data is automatically calculated / retrieved from a database. Went and checked, already sweating, and found that
THE OTHER INTERN COULDNT FIX A FORMULA SO HE OVERRODE IT WITH PLAIN TEXT. WITH A FUCKING PLAIN VALUE OF 84. A FOOKING EXCEL SHEET WITH A THOUSAND DIFFERENT FORMULAS AND LOTS OF VBA. Needless to say, everything is password protected now.

Whats the big appeal of macs. I know there good for graphical use and social media but Linux looks just as good and it dosent cost a few thousand. And then there's windows.

So a friend of mine is starting to learn PHP and HTML and he tells me:
"I wrote some code in HTML but I can't run it through the browser"

I'm not brave enough to tell him you can't "run" HTML

But later, he told me "so now i'm writing PHP just to understand how it works, but don't want to install the program to run PHP"

How the fuck you gonna learn?

I already know I'm gonna have to build what he wants to do :/ at least a couple thousand euros incoming :D

our university results are out
the webpage to check the results has only 3 input fields
roll number
date of birth
captcha
after checking the source code turnsout it doesn't need the date of birth and the most FUCKEDUP part is the captcha it uses is generated using javascript on the client side and literary checked using string1 == string2
I captured the post request its sending..
it only sends the roll number with some headers to the url
I wrote a quick python script to emulate the post request and got back the results of my entire college
note - the university I'm referring to has literally more than hundred thousand students under it, each and every student uses that interface to get his results

I JUST HAD ONE OF THOSE DAYS THAT MAKES ONE WANT TO BANG TWO BRICKS ON HEAD SND END THE PAIN THE STORY STARTS YESTETDAY WITH ISSUES AFTER A MIGRSTION AND THEY ASK ME TO HELP TROUBLESHOOT EVEN THOUGH I'M A DEV DBA AND THE ISSUE IS IN QA/SAT AND I HELP ANYWAY AND THEY CAN'T FIND A VIEW AND SO I LOOK EVERYWHERE AND CAN'T DOING IT EITHER AND IT DIDN'T EXIST IN PROD OR DEV SO I TELL THEM IT'S NOT THERE, AND THEY ARE LIKE, CAN YOU RETRIEVE IT FOR US AND I'M LIKE FROM WHERE? I DON'T KEEP VIEWS IN MY BUTT AND YOU GUYS ARE SMOKING CRACK AND THE GIVE ME THEIR QUERY WHICH CONTAIN THE VIEE ANYWAY AND THEY SAY CAN YOU RUN IT AND IT RUNS AND WORKS AND THEY CAN'T MAKE IT WORK AND IT WORKS BECAUSE IT DOESN'T CALL THE VIEW THEY HAVE ME SO NO PROBLEM THERE SO I FINALLY ASK THEM ARE YOU POINTING TO THE CORRECT DATABASE AND THEY'RE LIKE OH MAN WE TOLD YOU THE WRONG DATABASE AND SO I LOOK AT THE RIGHT DATABASE AND FIND THAT THE GRANTS ARE MISSING AND YEAH THANK YOU FOR TAKING EIGHT HOURS OF MY LIFE BECAUSE WE WERE IN THE WRONG DB YOU GAVE ME AND I HOPE THE FLAG OF A THOUSAND CAMELS INVEST YOUR ARMPITS AND THE CHIGGERS OF A THOUSAND SOUTHERN LAWNS INGEST YOUR SOCKS AND UNDERWEAR. YAAAAAA!!!!

A thousand years ago, Erik the Red names Greenland "Greenland" (even though it's icy) to trick travellers into coming there.

LiveScript was renamed to JavaScript for similar reasons.

What the actual fuck. I just found out that on one of the SSD's I bought, the optimal partition start / finish sizes which apparently on that unit only occur every 65 THOUSAND 4kB sectors (which translates to about a quarter GB) means that I have to throw away half a GB worth of space on that disk in order to align it. Very optimized indeed, dear SSD manufacturer! Huge alignment numbers for just that much extra wastage in the name of optimization. Something like 4x sector size on 512 byte sectors or 1x sector size on 4k sectors.. ain't nobody gonna need that. Let's make it a quarter GB.

And that's what they call engineering?

What kind of drugs can possibly compel someone to write a 7000 line source file?? Seven thousand lines of code. In a single file! When everything else in the project is nice and modular... 🤮

I hate Microsoft for not making Office run on Linux. It's the only reason I have to use a fucking MacBook instead of a Linux laptop. No Microsoft, I'm not going to run windows on my laptop. The system ist too much different to my production systems.
I hate Microsoft for not thinking about the consequences of not providing a Linux version. I have to use the fucking Apple Finder in my daily job. I have to buy a thousand dongles to connect anything to my laptop.

about 6 years ago I was working for a large consulting company on a government project. I put in a change for a stored procedure that hard coded the partition to 0, except 0 didn't exist on production, just on test. several thousand government employees couldn't access it for a day. 😞

The reporting department had a freak out because they couldn’t print to PDFs. Whole reporting nightmare and on fire.
Turns out it was printer unplugged a thousand miles away where someone fifteen years ago put a check in to ensure that a specific printer was connected before allowing physical print jobs.

Start raising tickets/bugs like you were going to the doctors and things would get fixed a lot faster.

X page doesn't work.

Great information there what about the page isn't working?

Doesn't answer the question and gets pissy when you have to ask them again.

If this was a doctor's appointment all you would've done is walked into my office and yelled it hurts over and over.

Then proceeded to shit on my floor as you're leaving because I didn't diagnose the problem fast enough.

What were you trying to do when the system took a crap?
What did the red text say?
Can you take a screenshot? because the old saying a picture paints a thousand words holds some truth.

If you can go to the doctor and give them a full run down of when you got sick and what symptoms you got in the same order they happened why do you struggle to do the same when reporting a bug.

Was an aspiring 2nd grade student then, still a newbie in databases and stuff.

Managed to work with bossy motherfucker who didn't give a flying fuck about proper management, team culture, job roles and everything and treated people like shit.

The big boss wanted me to develop the ecommerce website that integrates with 1c (complete and utterly garbage buggy ass dbms with RUSSIAN SYNTAX, nuff said) and with its own crm to track every employee and even real time chat. He also wanted it to be a kind of online medical wikipedia. And he wanted me to take a professional photo of each and every fucking item for this website, somewhere around 5 thousand photos.

He offered me around 800 bucks for all that job. No, not monthly. He wanted me to do all that shit alone, for 800 bucks and expected it to be up and running in less than two months.

Gently told him to fuck off. Quit that job the same day.

In C# you can open as many scopes wherever you want at whatever time you please. Nested within themselves, doesn't matter.

Use this to fuck with the other developers on your team. Fence off their evil code behind a thousand curly braces!

Or maybe jazz up your indentation, give the code a nice and bouncy flow!

I bought 30 random stickers for 1 € on wish today. Thousand times better than buying 4 stickers for 6,99€ etc...
I hope they'll arrive 🤣

Fuck exams!

Over thousand slides, 100 marks. Postgraduate term exam. So screwed, can't remember title of unit, rather don't want to.

Looking over a clients website to see what they paid for from the guy the previously paid thousands of dollars for.

End up with a personal dilemma of whether or not to let them know all they did was charge them a few thousand to host their Wordpress website on a godaddy server and it's just a generic theme not even customized for the client.

You can get mad about Apple releasing stuff that Android has been doing for 10 years. But also get mad about you not being able to pick up and Android phone that is not a buggy mess. I will pick Apples pretentious products over wanting to throw my phone on the floor at least 5 times a day because swiping doesn't work the first 10 times or because I have to select an input field 6 thousand times for it to highlight or because every action has a delay for no apparent reason.
Yes Apple sucks but truth is Android sucks hell of a lot more. Sorry not sorry.

A server application pulled off some sort of listings as table. Problem was, it crashed with some thousand data files after one and a half hours. I looked into that, and couldn't stop WTFing.

A stupid server side script fetched the data in XML (WTF!) and then inserted shit node-wise (WTF!!), which was O(n^2) - in PHP and on XML! Then it converted the whole shebang into HTML for browser display although users would finally copy/paste the result into Excel anyway.

The original developer even had written a note on the application page that pulling the data "could take long". Yeah because it's so fucking STUPID that Clippy is an Einstein in comparison, that's why!

So I pulled the raw data via batch file without XML wrapping and wrote a little C program for merging the dumped stuff client-side in O(n), spitting out a final CSV for Excel import.

Instead of fucking the server for 1.5 hours and then crashing, shit is done after 7 seconds, out of which the actual data processing takes 40 bloody milliseconds!

Microsoft Dynamics CRM... may the designer's fingers turn into fish hooks and his testicles get infected with the fleas of a thousand camels!!!

I'm the bone of my project
Steel is my brain and fire is my eye
I have created over a thousand bugs
Unknown to people, Solve by death.
Have withstood pain to create many function
Yet, those bugs will never be solved
So as I pray, Unlimited Hope Works

CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION:

Thanks. This is a notice from Yahoo Mail to warm up your IP’s.

Preferably by toaster but only microwave as a last resort.

Background:
Long story short a mail server was used by botnets to send out a few thousand emails over the past few days. We contacted a few email providers in hopes that they remove our IP from their blacklists.

My boss: Can you write something to append the product names with their descriptions?

Sure. Sure you want that?

Yes. Asap please.

Okay, I'll finish it this today.

*Done

Finished it, want me to publish this to production?

Yeah.

(One week later)

Did you put those name changes online?

Yes, why.

Oh damn, your co-worker, D. Trump, has changed a lot of the names so they index better on Google. You should check those kind of things before changing it online.

Right..

Concerns a few thousand products. Long story hah

Tldr; updated many product names overriding many hours of manual labour.

There was a competition being run by a large bank in the Netherlands. The competition involved playing a simple game on Facebook to win prizes. After discovering that much of the game logic was client-sided, I used a combination of cheat engine to speed up the clock and auto mouse clicker to keep the games restarting. Turns out I was able to play several thousand games in a few minutes.

"Did you manage to reproduce this issue in-house?"

Yes, off course we managed to reproduce your fucking random reboot issue that happen to two in thousand customers and might happend just after boot of after several hours or days or not at all when you, as you said yourself, were doing nothing. While at it we also turned lead to gold, water to wine and resurected Elvis (although he is a little bit grumpy and mumbles something about brains).

I used to work at a printing company as their only developer. I was often pulled from doing any development work, and instead would be printing documents, posters and postcards. One time I was printing and developing at the same time for a 12 hr shift. I fucked up over 30 thousand printed pieces of double sided postcards, where the front and back didn't align properly. So it was impossible for the guys to cut them. I left the job about 2 weeks later, and found myself a job that's doing only development, and was working as part of a team of very talented developers. I still have a good relationship going with my past employer though, despite that incident. My supervisors were very nice people.

When you write over a thousand lines of PHP to create three different types of user feeds and your friend demos the site and just asks "is that it, just a few pages?" -.-

I have to fix a memory leaks of two jest test files of

2 FUCKING THOUSAND

lines of code each.

The End.

Now this looks stupid already, but here is the kicker: by "partially hydrated cursor" i mean that once every page size an sql query is ran to get the next page content. This code is put in an event handler, executed once every time a file is uploaded in a dms where files get uploaded by the thousand.

To sum things up, this simple snippet achieves triple dipping:
* waste time on useless sql queries
* waste cpu on useless iterations
* waste disk space on useless logs

Icing on the cake, the author of this piece of shit was complaining about the overall slowness of the process.
Needless to say that when I stumbled on this, both internal *and* external screaming ensued...

Yesterday I had to merge new features. As these have been developed by one developer, I thought "hey, that'll be no problem". Little did I know that every one of the 6 branches had merge conflicts *sigh*. These merge conflicts were so severe, that there where sometimes two methods in the same class with the same name doing different stuff in each branch... Normally I would tell her to fix her stuff but as she is on vacation right now, I had all the fun resolving the conflicts of code I hadn't written and repairing the failing unit tests she wrote.

The best thing is that our software will be featured in one of the most renowned business magazines at the end of the week while simultaneously being presented at a congress in Berlin in front of over thousand of potential new customers. So these knew features have to be running stable in production by then... Needless to say I had a great day yesterday and will have an amazing upcoming week 🎉

i have been working on a web-based game and this is my daily routine (also i listen to rock and metal)

college to home to coding
thinking
coding...
looks like theres a small bug
shouldnt take much time
maybe this can work
*screaming*
i am not the first with this bug *here i come stack*
dont do this to me stack... theres suppose to be a fix for it
*extreme head banging*
F*** it
*changing songs*
nope this not helping
F***
F*** THIS SHIT
*rhythmic head banging*
oh god kill me
F***
am i really that bad
*autistic screaming*
humming song instead of thinking of bug
(8 - 8:30) me: mom i am hungry
this shit is taking toooo much time
*high intensity screaming*
F*** you bug
coding, its not form me
*surfing devrant*
*felling i am normal*
(10 - 10:30) mom: when are you eating
*high pitch screaming*
i am leaving coding for sure now
its too late time to sleep
fml its late again, i am gonna miss the first lecture again
back to coding

A thousand year later...
Bug status: Still not fixed

A site I manage in my spare time with a couple thousand normal users was getting attacked by a Chinese botnet. All the requests were coming from only two subnets. Easy to block. Feels like this was only the vanguard. Prelude to the real attack. I'm thinking about moving the site to its own server, so it won't affect my other sites. There at least if it gets kneeled, it'll only be that site.

I'm amazed how some people either think I'm fucking jesus or a god or both.

App XY not working.

Yeah. We're talking about how App XY and it's exhaustion of the connection pool since a year....

It's not working, what can we do?

Well. I don't know. Tried restarting?

Not working.

Well... Nothing I can do, you're responsible for developing the app and we've talked many times how complex the problem is.

It's not working, can u do something?

<Me just fed up increasing the connection count>

Well. I've increased the connections.
This will not work. It's a band aid. The app needs really a complete migration.

Ok. But it works.

No it doesn't work.. For fucks sake... It still exhausts the connections for unknown reasons, this is a band aid.

But it works....

-.-

This conversations was over then....

Well. Have fun.

I reverted the change I did.

May this crappy piece of shit die a thousand deaths, I:m now working on something else.

Goodbye mother fucking bitches, habe fun with the nightmare you created.

I'll cry over the other fucking nightmares I at least can solve, cause what you created in this App is beyond irresponsible and dumb.

Is it just me or has everyone switched from a thousand ??????? or !!!!!!!!! to even more fucking emojis?!
🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔😟😟😟😟😤😤😤😤😤😭😭😭😭😲😲😲😲😲😲

First software refactoring in the company I worked for. No test environnement because "who needs it?", no unit testing, no comments, had to make sql updates and shit, was scared all day long that something would fuck up.
"Fuck fuck fuck, forgot a part of the where !" Had to fix everything quickly so no one would notice, no coffee/smoke pauses. On top of that, got a ton of retarded requests from the PM and other technicians working with me like "hey boi, could you add an icon to every button we made? There's like a thousand, we need it for tonight, our client will come visit us and I want to show him a better interface blablabla"
And since I was an intern, I couldn't refuse, had to work like a prostitute in virgin-land, and for what?

"Oi, you did good, now do other stuff"

Day 2 of my 1000 job applications TikTok challenge

Goal:
- apply to 9 different jobs per day
- see if i can break the Guinness World Record of being rejected 1 thousand (1000) times

Stats so far:
- 18 job applications
- 3 replies
- 3 rejections
- 0 hires

Background story:
One of the projects I develop generates advice based on energy usage and a questionare with 300 questions.

Over 400 different variables determine what kind of advice is given. Lots of userinput and over a thousand textblocks that need to show or not.

Rant:
WTF do you want me to do when you tell me. It's not giving the right advice for the lights.

Why the for the love of.. do I need to ask you everytime. If something is not working. Tell me what and for wich user. Don't tell me calculation whatever is not working, I don't know that calculation. Your calculations are maintainable in your cms.

And how, like I really wonder, do you expect me, when not telling me what user is having this problemen to find and fix it, You just want me to random guess one of the thousands users that should be given that specific advice?

FCK, like 80% of my time solving problems is spend trying to figure out wtf your talking about.

And then what a miricale the function is doing exactly what is it doing but you forgot a variable. It's not like the code I write suddenly decides it does not feel like giving the right answer.

- I buy product X online.
- AFTER buying it, I'm flooded with ads about the same product X.
- Why are they wasting money in this way - I think - I won't buy it again soon!

Suddenly a crazy idea strikes me:
The company running the ads, is able in this way to tie the number of ads impressions to me and to my purchase.
In some *superficial* statistics, I will be a guy who has seen thousand of ads AND bought a product. The kind of superficial statistics you show to CEO's

I'm the proof that the marketing company is running ads very well and deserve a good share.

More useless ads they send me the better for the marketing company, as it will justify higher expenses.

I think I also helped implementing this system on some website, unconsciously.

It's just that I have a perverse mind, or did I find how to be rich?

!rant.
I think i joined devRant back in October and since then it has become my most used app. Its so great to be under the same of its kind! And even though I don't have something to rant about at the moment, I am gonna support all those ranters with my ++'s! I already ++'t over a thousand rants and won't stop!

My manager believes every bug can be solved by adding a thousand printf(s) and checking which part of the code isn't being hit. How do I politely tell him to get his shit straight? 😂😂😂

Created Linux instalation flashdrive on my notebook like thousand times before. Simple dd if=img of=/dev/sdb . Tried installing system from it but somehow doesn't work. And the it hit me. I have both magmetic drive and SSD in my laptop! So insted of flashdrive, I have bootable beging of my SSD where my encrypted lvm used to be :-( Luckilly I lost just EFI, boot, swap, rootfs, few git repositories and ccache.

My director sends an email every morning asking team members to close their tasks at EOD.

Every. Fucking. Morning.

Like dude, we got it the thousand times you said earlier! Just stop doing that now!

javascript generated captcha and javascript captcha validation in my university website... over hundred thousand students use this website to check results

function ValidCaptcha(){
var string1 = removeSpaces(document.getElementById("AVCODE").value);
var string2 = removeSpaces(document.getElementById("UVCODE").value);
if (string1 == string2){
return true;
}
else{
alert("invalid captcha");
return false;
}
}
function removeSpaces(string){
return string.split(' ').join('');
}

Mobilis in mobili.

Yesterday, I was trying to figure out how to open a folder via the linux terminal (like the `open path/to/folder` in MacOS), and I discovered that it can be done via `nemo path/to/folder`. This rang a bell on me because I know that GNOME file manager was named Nautilus.

This got my interest because both names are in Jules Verne's "Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea". Nautilus is the submarine commanded by the great Capt. Nemo, a brilliant individual who plans to explore the depths of the sea with Nautilus.

I learned that the developers of Linux Mint believed the GNOME file manager Nautilus (v3.6) was a catastrophe, and thus, they forked project, giving birth to the awesome Nemo. So instead of exploring the depths of the sea, I guess we could say Nemo is now exploring the depths of our filesystem, right?

Just a thought, but aren't all those "looking glass" 's, as abusable as w3c checkers to mass flood for free? there's atleast a thousand of those and none of them have any limit in place

> grep -c -e '// BAD HACK:' importantproject/src/main.cc
4287

our most important piece of legacy c++ software with about 44 thousand lines of code and next to no doc aside from inline comments.

"I am the code of my program
HTML is my body and CSS my blood
I have created over a thousand websites
Unknown to Google,
Nor to hosters.
Have withstood sleep to create many websites
Yet those hands will never earn anything
So as I pray, limited budget works"

I finish sentences with semicolons.

I type 'exit' in whatsapp conversations when I'm done sending messages.

I tried to :wq from Google docs the other day.

And most importantly of all, coding got me into tech in general, made me switch to Linux, start a thousand personal projects at a time and is now the thing I dedicate most of my time to, both in and out of work.

In the grim dark future cryosleep or hypersleep or something similar will probably be used to extend peoples lives (and thus politicians careers) before it is ever used for space travel.

Give it time and you'll eventually have, through repeated extensions, term limits of one thousand years or even ten thousand, for congress/senate/president/etc.

You'll have CEOs and upper executives who have lived for 80k years dropping out of hypersleep once a century to document how the shoreline of north america changes near their beach home, as a sort of hobby.

Fart huffing professors (it's a professional sport in the year 28,841 AD) will come out of sleep once every millenia to track the evolution of something irrelevant, like gnat penises.

Big game hunters will wake up every 100k years to hunt new big game prey that just evolved--back into extinction. That and to check with their portfolio managers who will be AI or a highly evolved mongoloid goblin race of slave-quants.

I'm still working on the game btw. Anyone up for testing some prototypes when they're ready?

An image worths more than a thousand strings!

Boss: “Our ecommerce conversions in Google Analytics are less than the actual pace of orders.”

Me: “Nothing has changed in the tracking code or setup. It must be our goals setup which you have to have a Ph.D. to understand, plus whatever mood Google’s algorithms are in today.”

He’s not mad at me. We’re both just confused why Google AdWords, Analytics, and Tag Manager have to be so damn hard to get right. I’ve never been able to do it right. And most data is thrown out because people browse websites while logged into their Google Account, which makes their clickstream disappear and become unattributable because of understandable privacy policies. I don’t want my data tracked when I’m logged in either!

So now we have had to hire specialists at several thousand dollars per month to figure this out.

Ok, I know this has been said a thousand times before, but fuck localization code.

Especially when you have to determine which badly-formatted timestamp is chronologically first.

BLEARGGHHH

After all this time it's back to the basics mhm? Maybe yoloing PHP via SFTP to a single machine along with few thousand LLOCs of vanilla JS wasn't such a bad idea after all...

Fun fact: banks won't let me take loans. Any kind of loans.

Why? It's not because I have a history of missing payment schedules. It's because I NEVER had a credit card or loans — I paid for everything with cold hard cash my whole life. But it all changed when I fried a charging controller on my laptop, so I needed a new one fast. I was in between jobs then. So, I took a loan for a new laptop, one thousand dollars, a large sum for me back then. I found a job and covered that loan ahead of schedule, in three months instead of one year. In total, my bank made a mere $5 off of me.

Banks now know I won't bring any kind of interest in whatsoever, as I never miss my payments. So, they decided to quit on me completely.

That's a proof that banks don't want you to pay on time — they want you to delay your payments and let your interest build up, so you're forced to take new loans to cover old ones. They want you to pay interest forever, having barely enough money to cover interest, but not the loan itself.

Me: Alright Derwent, don't fuck up this database update. There's no undo button and no way to import a database backup so you gotta be extra careful or you're going to have to spend hours writing a whole bunch of regular expressions and sql statements to sift through an 11mb database dump and figure out how to restore 59 thousand records to the correct state. Let's practice this transition on a staging server first and make sure we get it right
Me: I got you fam *presses the wrong button*

One of my most arrogant customers was one that constantly called support because she could not get things to work as she wanted.

We repeatedly told her that she was working against the way the system was built and that was what was causing her problems.

This was not a custom system for that customer but a cloud product we where offering with over a thousand customers on and it was designed with a certain workflow in mind.

Despite this she always complained that the system was wrong and we needed to fix it.

She was also always late for her deadline complaining that she did not get the information from her bosses in time and demanded we help her get it done :)

But I was fortunate that everyone at our company held a unified position that it was not out fault that her bosses gave her info late or that she tried to do things in a way the system was not designed for.

So when she got to aggressive we just offered her to go somewhere else.

I thing they finally did, after about two years.

Someone just asked me to rewrite their application and lower the time of generating 200 000 html files from over an hour to a few minutes
.
.
Why the fuck would u need 200 thousand html files wtf is wrong with you

I have been a developer in one company or another for over 27+ years. Today I had to dismiss / fire / let go of a recently hired developer (a Senior by career length) on one of the teams I now manage. Basically imposter syndrome compounded with an inability to communicate a need for support (even when we reached out daily to assist).

When I had to let this person go I felt all the times when it happened to my colleagues , and to me. Like a thousand knives stabbing . It wasn’t easy.

It’s of course not easy to be dismissed . But it’s also not easy to be the one to dismiss.

New updates... A thousand percent blue screen proof

whose idea was it to give the business major access to the database? we have one thousand tables that do the same thing or absolutely nothing, everything is badly named, and THE GRAMMAR

private static final int TEN = 10;
private static final double THOUSAND = 1000.0D;

[a copy-paste from our repo]

WTF is wrong with Manjaro, every package I install gets "error while loading shared libraries". VSCode, chromium, even yaourt?! I mean this just doesn't even fucking work.

I downgraded my kernel and now I get the same errors and when I -Syu, I get a thousand "Warning: x is newer than y"

Linux.

I HATE SPRING JPA HIBERNATE AND EVERYTHING RELATED TO FUCKING JAVA.

Everything behaves like it was created with a human as an afterthought, so it torments people and target audience are masochists. This whole ecosystem is an abomination of the software world.

Every fucking error has a thousand possible solutions for every single person AND NOT A SINGLE ONE WORKS!!!

The stupid thing will just keep throwing its internal problems in a stack DUMP DIARRHEA that you have to sort through to find anything remotely useful! I DON’T give a fuck about your stupid internal implementation, just tell me what the fuck you want!

And you have to play the guess game and find the right combination of their stupid little configurations to make it barely work. I couldn’t believe reading stackoverflow, people are just poking at it hoping it will work. And I’m literally stuck and can’t fix the damn thing no mater what I do, and I’m abandoning it.

I won’t touch this pice of shit with a twenty meter pole ever again! Last time I was this frustrated was the stupid java ee. Nothing in the software world has frustrated me this much. How does one even come up with this…
I’m done… I’m just done…

Fuck off apache and ur fckinn 10 thousand different goddamn ports in use i can not start my python server bcz hhhhh too many processes use the main port and i need the main port to run the website

Tired of ur shit apache2

!rant
Birthday today, got a dolce gusto pod coffee maker. Just trying the different flavours before i settle on one and put in an order for a couple thousand. Not bad so far.

Customer: "There are only 'X' values in COLUMN_D, your - report - import is wrong!"
Me: select count(*) from table_a where column_d is not in ('X') -> returns more than a thousand... Yeah please only scroll within a couple hundreds of records in your shitty sql client gui without making queries. Fuckhead.

Being a social media influencer i.e. having a couple thousand followers doesn’t make you entrepreneur. Period.

Today, a few thousand dollars of potential equipment being replaced was prevented by deciding to follow the network cords and finding out that the switchboard had the power cord knocked loose.

Payment was in candy.

Pro tip: always make sure your methods return the correct variable.

I’m currently working with deep neural networks using tensorflow. I needed to generate some test data and wrote a program to create it. I had two text files which each consisted of approximately 5000 lines of text.

I wrote a method that should sort out some words, and make my final data shorter. When I executed the program first time on our server, it spent about 25 minutes, then crashed due to MemoryError (which in Python means that the server didn’t have enough ram). That seemed quite weird since I only had about 10k lines of text, and I even sorted out a bunch of it, and the server has 128gb ram, and nothing’s using it.

Apparently I returned the wrong variable. That meant that my program tried to save 750 quadrillion lines of text rather than just a few thousand.

Always make sure to return the correct variables!

I have seen a few rants on here with people struggling with the problems life throws at them. Just remember in your loneliest hour, there are 40 thousand friends waiting...

Stay strong, stay bright...

Customer wants a place to list his products he sells through other sites. He doesn’t have much money, but he’s a referral from a reliable customer, so we arrange a payment plan. We agree on the details, including a place to post his wares.

Then he tells me he wants to post a few thousand items at a time. I decide to throw in a loading system I built for a previous project.

Then he can’t figure out how to add images. Add a way for him to upload them all as a single zip; no good.

Long story short, let myself get conned into developing a full-on Amazon import system that auto-detects several categories automatically AND imports the images. For no additional cost because I felt bad asking for more and we were working through a language barrier.

Third installment payment never comes.

Lesson learned.

My implementation of facebook's haystack storage solution. It's certainly not a faithful recreation, but I think this served my needs better.

The idea is you store all of your files in one large file, and just write down where each of your files starts and ends. This particular implementation I called an indexed haystack because it gives you back an index, sort of like an array.

I was attracted to the idea because it makes the file structure of the server so much more simple, and backups so much easier when you only have a few files rather than a few thousand. Facebook came up with it because it was more efficient to store a million photos all in the same file rather than in a million separate ones.

There is a 100GB limit to each haystack but that isn't technical, it's just a sensible thing to do.

writing naked return inside void method which have thousand++ lines is a BIG SIN!

the first time i tried flutter/dart i was coming from java and published an app composed of one seven thousand line dart file

i hate when people use great tools improperly. what is the point of using SQL if you're gonna have a thousand tables with redundant data?

"He who cannot draw on three thousand years is living from hand to mouth."
— Goethe

Someone: Let's use this XY.
---
Where XY is a new service, like Slack / Jira / ...
---

Yeah. Let's just add another workflow without any planning, thinking etc..

Not that we did that a thousand times already and it always ended in an ever growing pile of shit.

Sheesh 🙄

These pointless discussions...

Reminder, include legal language in next project that says if we're using JIRA then we're using JIRA and not a thousand emails with requirements embedded in spreadsheets and PowerPoints.

I always do reformatting my code to keep it clean and readable, so I have a reflex of doing it a lot of time.

Even on a file with thousand of lines with several persons working on it

but I hate to see that in my changes, 95% of my changes are random tabs that my auto reformatting erases.

That has to be the first time I actually ever saw somebody call 1 billion - 1 thousand million

Just posted a comment, and I realise it should be a rant.

In reply to stalkCoder (i think):
| At first there was nothing
| $: git init
| And then there was light

A new creation myth appears.
$ git add --all
$ git commit -m "Update 32 at 2:48 AM"
$ git push
The new creation myth is destroyed by the pure rage of a thousand Git commit message standards.

The school I went to, and this was really the only benefit of the school, gave all it students lifetime memberships to digital tutors, which was bought out by pluralsight, which then bought code School. So I basically got free membership to three different sites, all of which have a good amount of technical training with videos, guides, and work along lessons on them.

For what school cost to me, it will have paid for itself as long as I live for another Thousand Years.

When to log into an encrypted vm that I set up for finances, and realized I had forgotten my password, to decrypt it. Well after a few min I gave up and wrote a short program with all my sees, and rules for altering the seeds and combinations there of.

Got back a few thousand and plugged it into a macro script and went to do chores for my wife. Came back and was in.

To be honest I check on it somewhere in the middle and thought oh crap did I use my dogs name? I didn't but now I am switching to a password manager.

Stayed up extra late fixing a bug. Fucking bug is buried in a thousand lines of MOTHERFUCKING SML.
FUCKING ASSHOLE SHIT-WAGGLING COCKSMEAR AND THAT SHITTY, GODDAMNED BACKWARDS FUCKING LANGUAGE!
Fucking wasted an entire night chasing down a fucking bug in SML with no positive effect.
I wound up commenting out 7/8 of the entire fucking codebase to try to find the fucking bug. No positive effect.
Finally had to go to sleep because my son was about two hours from waking up.
Getting back to work, and within twenty minutes I found the fucking bug and fixed it.
Fucking wasted nearly an entire night's sleep, and I ended up fixing the fucking bug before finishing my morning coffee.
I seriously fucking hate motherfucking SML.