*client calls in*

Me: good morning, how can I help you?
Client: my ip is blocked, could you unblock it for me?
Me: certainly! What's your ip address? Then I'll have a look.
Client: I'm not giving you my ip?! That's too privacy sensitive.
Me: 😶
Me: 😶
Me: 😶
Me: sir, I'm very keen on my privacy myself but without that information I can't do much for you 😬
Client: ah so you're refusing to help me?
Me: not like that, it's just very hard to lift an ip block for me when I don't know the ip address.
Client: you just don't want to help, fine.

*click*

😶

Bf: what you doing?
Me: coding
Bf: do you ever stop working?!
Me: I'm not 'working', I'm doing my own project.
Bf: but you do that at work. Why do you want to keep doing it?
Me: it's fun?

--- a few days later ---

Bf: what you doing?
Me: reading.
Bf: omg you're not coding! What are you reading?
Me: a book about coding
Bf: *faceplam*

Installed Linux on an old windows laptop. This is my conversation 5 minutes ago...

Wife: "Have how you got internet?"
Me: "What do you mean, it has a wireless adapter built in?"
Wife: "But it's not Windows?"

WTF!!!

Me: "Pass my phone, this is going on devRant"
Wife: "Please no, not again"

User:"It's not working"
Me:"Have you turned it off and on again?"
User:"Yes"
Me: goes down there, system uptime is 360days...
"How do you turn it off?"
User:"by pressing the button on the monitor

So, this random teen on subway asked me if it was 9GAG I was scrolling [i was on this app ofc]. I said it's better than 9GAG.
He went on like this "oh cool, does it have the the NSFW section too?"
...
Me: a...No, but can learn coding stuff
Him: hacking?
Me: hacking is not what you thin... [He interrupted me]
Him: Damn cool, I wanna learn hacking, it's my stop nice meeting you tell me the name of the app
Me: a...9...ha...ck, 9hack!
Him: cool, thanks. [Gets off]

(Um...Some people just don't deserve DevRant, if you know what I mean)

Mom : My washing machine is not working.
Please fix it.
Me : I am a computer engineer.
Mom : You are an engineer though.
Me : That's not how it works.
.
.
.
2 hours and many YouTube tutorials later
Me : It's done.
Mom : Didn't I tell you you can do it.

Friend: Man you're a programmer why aren't you a billionaire already like the others??

Me: It's not that easy believe me.

Friend: I have a great idea for an app something like facebook...can be that hard?

Me: :/

Friend: you could do that instead of your no pay opensource shit...

Me: FUCK YOU AND YOUR STUPID BULLLLLSHIT GO FUCKING DIE YOU PIECE OF SHIT !!!! YOU HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE ..STUPID SON OF A BITCH.

Owner of company I freelance for: I need you to find out what CMS [website] is running in.

[Checking...]

Me: It's running in Drupal

Owner: Prove to me that it's running in Drupal, because she's saying you're wrong.

Me: Who the hell is "she"?

Owner: The boss over at [PR Company we do work for]

Me: Is she a developer?

Owner: No, of course not. She barely knows how to run a computer.

Me: Then tell I said it's running in Drupal, and if she wants proof, tell her I'm the developer she has begged to fix two other failing projects and I have delivered both times ahead of schedule.

Owner: If you don't show me proof, I'll fire you. I don't need attitude from my employees.

Me: A.) I'm not your employee, you are my client. I don't clock in for you and you don't withhold taxes from my pay. B.) If that's how you want to be, tell her to use terminal and cURL the website for the response header, as well as cross-reference folder structure for CSS/JS file inclusion to show it's running in Drupal.

Owner: What the fuck is terminal?

Me: If you don't know what terminal is, neither will she, meaning you have no business telling me how to do my job. Stick with assigning me tasks and let me use my expertise to get them done. Micromanaging need not apply here, mmm'kay pumpkin?

Owner: You sure are grouchy today.

Me: Yep...

QA: It's not working.
Me: Are you getting 503 errors?
QA: No, just the one.

Me: That's not how browsers work.

Designer: Well, our users need it.

Me: Uh, I'm not arguing with your idea, but no browser supporters that kind of thing

Designer: Well, figure it out because it's not optional.

Me: ... I'm not disagreeing with you, I'm saying that's not something we can do.

Designer: So, what will it take? What do we need to do to get this in?

Me (not actually): motherfucker this isn't a negotiation! I'm not arguing I'm fucking explaining the limitations of web apps!

Client: we need you to give us access to the code ASAP. We don't like this black box approach.

Me: You have always had access to the code. It is here on this bitbucket repo and your usernames have admin access.

Client: We want the code moved to our GitHub before EOD.

I check out how to move repos over and it's fairly easy.

Me: just give me access to create a repo on your GitHub account and you can have the code moved over.

Client: Sorry it's late in the day and we stepped out to get drinks. (It was 2:30 pm). Not sure why you think there is a rush on this, we'll handle it first thing next week.

Me: WTF

Dev: this task is done, can I put it in review and do something else?

Me: sure, of course.

Dev: cool, just be aware I'll make some changes to it later.

Me: ... wait, then it's not done.

Dev: no it is, I just need to re-read it and make some changes.

Me: yeah, so it will be done when those changes are made.

Dev: but I don't know what those changes are.

Me: ... I get that ... but ... ok I'm extremely confused. Why do you think it's done.

Dev: because I've written everything I need to and I'm happy with it.

Me: ok so why do you want to make changes.

Dev: I don't.

Me: ... ... ... ... you ... you are really not being clear. If you don't want to make changes, and you are happy with it, why are you planning on making changes later ... after marking the task as done.

Dev: well if I re-read it and see something I don't like, I would like to change it.

Me: ok, so re-read it as many times as you like and make as many changes as you like. But don't mark it as done until it is done.

Dev: but it is done.

Me: no it's not.

Dev: it is, look.

Me: ... yeah looks ok at a quick glance.

Dev: ok so I can mark it as done?

Me: are you going to make more changes?

Dev: yes.

Me: then no.

Dev: why?

Me: BECAUSE ITS NOT DONE.

Dev: ok maybe I'm not explaining it clearly.

Me: ... we can both agree on that. Ok so to summarise, we don't mark something as done until we have stopped touching it. We don't half finish something and say it's done and comeback to it later. We mark it as done when we are happy with i.....

Dev: but I am happ.....

Me: *raises hand* I repeat, if it's done, we lock it away and stop touching it. If someone reads it and complains, we can come back to it with a new ticket. But it's not done until we think we are ready to send it on.

Dev: I am ready to send it, I just may want to change it.

Me: ... ... ... ... ... due to a new policy implemented just now, we are only allowed to send 1 email to a person each week. So unfortunately we can only send on 1 copy. So when you have that 1 copy, let me know.

Dev: ok, let me re-read it a few more times then.

Me: there you go.

Me: Alright, let's code!

School: Psst. Hey.

Me: What?

School: Remember that assignment from last week?

Me: Oh god please no.

School: Yeah, it's tomorrow. And you have a Geography exam next Monday. You love geography, right?

Me: Please, no, I want to become a programmer, not a--

School: Shush... It's okay. Programming can wait. You want a to get a job, right? What would they say when they see your poor Geography?

Me: That doesn't even... Okay, fine, I'll do it...

* two days later *

Me: Fuck me! Finally! Let's do some coding now.

School: Psst. Hey.

This is a fun conversation I had:

Test Engineer: 😑 The test bench burst into flames.
Me: 😪😲 Do what now?
TE: 😐 The test bench burst into flames. It made a pretty impressive fire ball.
Me: 😮 . . . How are you so calm about this?
TE: 😐 Well it's not on fire now.
Me: 😶 Good point.
TE:😧 made me mad as hell though.
Me: 😕 why's that?
TE: 😬 Cuz I only had one damn step left in that test procedure and it was to turn the damn test bench off.
Me: 🤔 Correct me if I'm wrong but the test bench is off is it not?
TE: 😐 Well yeah.
Me: 🤔 and you caused it to be turned off by your actions no?
TE: 😕 . . . yeah . . .
Me:🤔 sounds like you turned it off to me.
TE: 😒
Me: 🙂
TE: 😐
Me: ☺
TE: 😑
Me: 😎
TE: 😐 but it won't turn on again.
Me: 🤔 do you have a requirement to be able to turn it on again after you turn it off?
TE: 😑 It's implied.
Me: 😐 not what I asked
TE: 😧 No not explicitly.
Me: 😎 sounds like you completed the test procedure.
TE: 😑
Me: 😎
TE: 😑
Me: 😎
TE: 😧 that's not how it works.
Me: 😎 doesn't it?
TE: 😑 No.
Me:😎
TE: *walks away* 😧😧😧
Me: *turns back to computer* well I was just trying to help YOU out 😒

I am the best at interpersonal communication.

Boss: "it's not the same font"
Me: "yes, it is"
Boss: "don't argue with me. It's a different font"
Me: "ok it's a different font" (it's not)
Boss: "change it please"

15 minutes later and I've done nothing at all to it. Boss comes back.

Boss: "see? I knew it was a different font. This looks perfect now. Why were you lying to me before? I don't like you arguing with me"

Boss: We are using Angular 1 in our project, right?
Me: AngularJS, yeah, we are using it.
Boss: I heard they have AngularJS 4 now and it's faster and better.
Me: Angular, yeah that's much better.
Boss: So shouldn't we upgrade it? Can you do it this week?
Me: Erm... It's gonna take more than a week.
Boss: How much time do you need?
Me: 6 months, at least.
Boss: What if I put one more guy with you on this? How much time will it take then?
Me: Let me rephrase. It's gonna take 6 months for the entire team to upgrade all the modules in our product to Angular 4. Not including the time to train everyone on Angular and TypeScript.
Boss: Oh, Angular 1 is suddenly seemed to me a better option now.
Me: Smart move 😉

Client: Where are we with the project, it's been a week and I see nothing.

Me: You asked me to do something that was not in the agreed scope of work, which has kept me from starting on the project.

Client: Do I need to plan out everything in advance on paper for you to get it done in a timely manner?

Me: Is that a serious question? Yes, you should. That's the whole point of creating a scope of work. It's to allow me to schedule out the time necessary to build out a product in a "timely manner".

Client: I don't appreciate your attitude. This is not how you should be doing business if you like making money.

Me: I don't appreciate your condescending, unreasonable, dickhead mentality that makes you think it's remotely okay to act like you're better than me. Money doesn't grant you the right to be a dickwad, and just because I'm being paid doesn't mean I have to put up with any level of arrogance or disrespect.

I am in this business to make money, but not at the cost of my dignity and self-respect. You will be receiving a full refund later today, not because I have to provide a refund, but because I never want to communicate with you ever again moving forward. Take your unacceptable bullshit somewhere else.

I was activating virtualenv in powershell when my younger brother came in.

Me: *all nervous* please don't think I'm hacking or trying to set off a bomb. (He always thinks I'm hacking and tells on me.)

Brother: *silent*

Me: *even more nervous* I don't want my laptop to get taken away. Don't tell on me and say I'm hacking, because I'm not.

Brother: Oh, I know you're not hacking this time.

Me: You do? *relieved.*

Brother: Yeah, because this time it's a blue background, not a black one.

Me: Oh, haha. So you're only scared of things such as these? *opens CMD and Git Bash* you know, just because it's dark themed, doesn't mean it's malicious. Besides it—

Brother: oooOooOh! You're hacking again! I'm telling on you!

*Note to self: Never use dark theme in front of the ignorant again.)

Windows: Copying 2,513 items from <here> to <here>.
Me: OK.

Windows: 84% complete.
Me: OK.

Windows: Shit.
Me: What?!

Windows: "Copying" dialog box is not responding.
Me: Fuck you.

Windows: Well, yeah, sorry.
Me: Fuck you.

Windows: Do something else until it unfreezes.
Me: OK.
.
.
.
Me: Fuck you. Everything's stuck. Can't click anywhere.
Windows: You can still use your mouse, though.

Me: Yeah, I guess. Wait a second, it's also stuck. The whole thing is frozen as ice.
Windows: What about keyboard?

Me: I said, THE WHOLE FUCKING THING!
Windows: Well, sorry?

Me: FUCK YOU!!

Person: HTML is a programming language
Me: No it's not
Person: Yes it is it can compute things
Me: No it can't, and what do you mean?
Person: Have you ever heard of a script tag
Me: That's not fucking HTML that's JavaScript.

!rant
Girlfriend doing her first IT internship:
"I think I got the roto virus"
Me: "Disconnect LAN cable and turn off PC, so that you do not infect the entire company's network".
GF: "Why would I do that, it's my body that feels bad".

It's depressing how true this is

Me: "Tech support, how can I help you?"
Them: " I'm not able to log into the website!"
Me: "Okay, what message is it showing when you try to log in?"
Them: "Sir, I am NOT a computer person so I don't know."
Me: "Do you know which web browser you're using?"
Them: "I don't know what that is!"
Me: "Okay, when you want to go on the internet, do you click on a blue E, or a mulicolored circle, or..."
Them: "SIR I ALREADY TOLD YOU THAT I AM NOT A COMPUTER PERSON, YOU'RE REFUSING TO THELP ME SO I'M GOING TO HANG UP"

My dad called me up at 11:30 PM telling me that his computer wasn't booting. I drive over to see what was going on. I notice immediately that the motherboard light is a solid amber light.

Me: "The motherboard is amber, that means it's failing to POST".

Dad: "How soon can we fix it? I need to run my Ebay business."

Me: "A week probably. You have a laptop that works can you use that?"

Dad: "It doesn't work great with Windows, it's not a very powerful compu"

Me: "You're going to use Linux dad. Welcome to Linux."

~Ring ring~
Me: Hello, how can i help you?
User: The system is not working
Me: It's because there is not electricity
User: Oh, thanks

10 seconds later
Me: Hello, how...
User: Hi, it's me again, i checked in the building and there is light in the hallway
Me: It's the emergency lights
User: Oh, thanks

Angry customer (😤): Your software is still too slow!!!
Me (🙄): It's running good all in all. Let's divide this into smaller aspects. Which steps do you need to perform faster?
😤: Every step needs to be as fast as google!
🙄: But our software ain't google, not even to mention your infrastructure
😤: Everything needs to run in 2 seconds!!!
🙄: You aren't helping in any way. We need something to grasp...
😤: It's all your fault.

📴

Friend: What's that?

Me: DuckDuckGo. It's my default search engine.

Friend: Try using Google instead, it's better.

Me: But Google spies on you.

Friend: So?

Me: Don't you care about your privacy?

Friend: It's not like they are going to kill me. It doesn't matter.

Me: *mumbles* typical muggle...

I'm surprised that people could care less for their privacy. I would ban all things google, but I need google docs.

Also, my idiotic school requires gmail and google classroom. Oh, and did I forget to mention we have to use chromebooks!

"there's a problem with your API"
Me: "why?"
"I get no data"
Me: "what response code are you getting?"
"405 - Method not allowed. But only on the /version endpoint"
Me: "Soo... What request are you sending?"
"POST"

WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU SEND A POST REQUEST TO AN ENDPOINT THAT **GETS** THE VERSION OF MY API???!!!!

Me: "Read the documentation. It's there for a reason"

Omfg this fucking guy!!!!

Context:

We are going through a major refactor of some of our backend components. I was tasked with cleaning up our ML code while another guy was tasked with cleaning up the general CRUD side of the backend, let's call him DA for "dumb ass".

** At 11pm
DA: I am getting a strange error from your backend. Look:

"Invalid call: method=PUT expected=[POST]"

Me: you need to send a post request not a put request

DM: no, it's not that. I am sending the right thing

Me: ... Let me see...

* 15min ish of testing *

No, it works fine on my version, 1.1.0 what's your version?

DM: I'm on 1.1.0.

Me: send me code?

DM: *send

"request.put(..."

Me: you are sending a PUT... It's literally in the screenshot. Send a Post

DM: I am

Me: no, send a Post

DM: I don't understand, I am sending the request

Me: it's a post not a put

DM: but...

Me: it's a post not a put
Me: good night!!!!!!

BOSS: That icon is not centered, move it slightly to the right
ME: You're wrong, I can garantee you it's centered (it was centered)
BOSS: Well, my eyes are telling me it's not, so move it to the right
ME: (faking increasing margin)
ME: Ok, now it's 10 px to the right, what do you think?
BOSS: it's a great result, now it's perfect! Cant you see the difference?
ME: Absolutely, you do are the real designer here...
BOSS: Ohhh, stop complaining, you'll learn one day...
ME: Yep.

Me : I'm having a pretty bad headache.

Boss : Stop acting like a girl and get back to work.

Me: It's a migraine headache.

Boss: Ohh!! You know it's just in your head stop being a pussy. Don't think about the headache, and you won't feel any pain.

Me(in my head) : You fucking idiot you are partially correct it's in my head. But the pain won't stop if I stop thinking about it.

*Why the fuck does no one understand a neurological disease. If i'm not physically hurt, it doesn't mean i'm not in pain*

Fucking ignorant bastards.

Fixing family / friends technical problems, episode 2.

Problem: "I lost my iPhone, I know there's a thing that lets you find it. Can you help?"

Debugging:

Me: sure, it's called "find my iPhone"

Friend: ah yes that's it. How do I use it?

Me: I'll show you, just login here and ... oh you didn't set it up?

Friend: Probably not, I don't know much about this computer stuff.

Me: ... when you setup your phone for the first time, it's a full screen thing that says "do you want us to locate your phone if it's lost. Yes / No". It's hardly writing an encryption algorithm now is it?

Friend: no it's not, but still I just didn't know. I probably clicked no for everything.

Me: ... says here you clicked yes for iCould ... and yes for photo sync ... so you read the one about your pictures but not about lost or stolen property ... nice.

Friend: ... so you can't find it then.

Me: No, natural selection took it away from you.

Friend: oh **** off.

HR people working in tech companies, let's talk about them...

*phone rings and I pick up*
HR Lady: Hi, this is [name] from [company]. I'm calling you regarding your application you submitted [some date 2 months ago!].

Me: *realizing that I've applied 2 freaking months ago* Hmmm OK....

HR Lady: Yes, well, we asked for your GitHub account, but you seem to have forgotten to provide it.

Me: *open up the email and see that I've sent them my GitLab account* Well, I have the email right here and I did send you a git account. I mean, it's not GitHub specifically but it's a GitLab account, pretty much the same thing, you should be good with that.

HR Lady: OK, let me put you on hold for a minute.

*2-3 minutes passes*

HR Lady: Hi sir, I've asked my colleague [which I suppose is another HR] and he told me that they're not the same thing, we cannot proceed until you give us the right link, you need to send us a link to your GitHub account.

Me: I mean, they aren't the SAME EXACT thing, but both companies provide essentially the same service, it's like Messenger and WhatsApp. Look, I'm pretty sure that if you give this to another programmer they'll be fine.

HR Lady: No, Messenger and WhatsApp aren't the same thing. Sir, please stay polite. We need a GitHub account not a GitLab account.

Me: *mumbling* Oh boy.... M'am, it's OK, I don't need the job anyway, I've found something. Two months is a long time and I needed something quickly. Thank you, have a good day.

I accidentally open eclipse (Java code) during a demo.

The same smart ass Einstein's cousin business guy : Oh that is SQL, I have learnt it.. it was too simple for me that is why I decided not to be a developer

Me : You are lucky it's Friday

Non-dev coworker (ndc) sees me using google chrome: I don't understand why chrome is so popular. I hate it and don't know why anyone would use it.
Me: what browser do you use?
NDC: internet explorer.
Me: why do you like ie better than chrome?
NDC: it does everything chrome can do and it's free.
Me: ie can NOT do everything chrome can do and chrome is free. You just have to download it from google.
NDC: no I read that chrome is proprietary software and why would I pay to use it when ie is free.
Me: ie is also proprietary software. Proprietary doesn't necessarily mean it costs money it's just not open source. Plus ie is not free. You paid for it when you bought the windows license that came with your computer.
NDC: no ie was already on the computer when I bought it so I didn't have to pay for it.
Me: it was included in the price of the computer but you still paid for it.
NDC: whatever I'm going to keep using ie because it's free for me.

ARE YOU RETARDED???

A while ago (few months) I was on the train back home when I ran into an old classmate. I know that he's a designer/frontend/wordpress guy and I know that he'll bring anyone down in order to feel good. I also know that he knows jack shit about security/backend.
The convo went like this:

Me: gotta say though, wordpress and its security...
Him: yeah ikr it's bad. (me thinking 'dude you hardly know what the word cyber security means)
Me: yeah, I work at a hosting company now, most sites that get hacked are the wordpress ones.
Him: yeah man, same at my company. I made a security thing for wordpress though so we can't get hacked anymore.
Me; *he doesn't know any backend NOR security..... Let's ask him difficult stuff*
Oh! What language did you use?
Him: yeah it works great, we don't get hacked sites anymore now!
Me: ah yeah but what language did you use?
Him: oh it's not about what language you use, it's about whether it works or not! My system works great!
Me: *yeah.....right.* oh yeah but I'd like to know so I can learn something. What techniques did you use?
Him: well obviously firewalls and shit. It's not about what techniques/technology you use, it's about whether it works or not!

That's the moment I was done with it and steered the convo another way.

You don't know shit about backend or security, cocksucker.

Mom : there's a letter for you. It's from USA. Are you in trouble ?

Me : oooouh shit what have I done ?

Fiuuuuu..NSA still not tracking my buggy code 😂

Me, in the zone, staring at the code. Co-worker enters.
Co: hey, can you...
Me (not really listening): no.
Co: it's just...
Me: no.
Co: later?
Me: no.
Co: but...
Me: no.
Co: (leaving)

I kid you not, it's been impossible to find a rubber duck, so I had to make my own. Yes, his head is wonky, it's intentional, I wanted him to match me 😁

Client(On Call): I emailed some query a day before. I got a response too. But, i am not able to find answer of my specific query.

Me: Let me check that for you. Yes, it is there. See the mail carefully.

Client: No. It's not there.

Me: Can you read the whole mail for me?

Client: Sure. *Started Reading* Oh yes. Yes. it is here. *Hangs up the Phone.*

Me: Sigh.

Me: So we've used Bootstrap for front-end and Django for ...
Teacher: Bootstrap is not a front-end framework.
Me: Uh..Okay. It's a CSS framework ? My bad.
Teacher: No, Python is for front-end.
Me: You mean templating ? Yeah! We've used Jinja templates.
Teacher: No. Use Python for front-end.

It's hard to use Google Voice when you're a bilingual.

Me *driving in car*: Ok Google, open Spotify..

Google *beep*: Không chắc chắn làm thế nào để Open Spotify (Not sure how to to "Open Spotify" - in Vietnamese)

Me: Ok Google, mở Spotify (same command in Vietnamese)

Google *beep*: Not sure how to "mở Spotify"...

Me *frustrated*: Ok Google, f*ck you!

Google *beep*: Không chắc chắn làm thể nào để "fuck you" (Not sure how to "fuck you" - in Vietnamese)

f*cking Google Voice :|

I hate when people look at me weird when I talk sexy to my code. It's like how do you not find this sexy. Lol I'm in class like awww yeah pull that input and increment it you dirty software.

My boss: "Do you ever like, not be on the computer?"

Me: " it's my job"

Boss: "oh shit you right. My bad"

Germany

It's:
"oh cool. you must have good job perspectives."

Or:
"you just use a computer. that's not real work. do a job where you use your muscles. lazy student."

And the best:
"Can you gift me with computer parts for free" or "can you copy program XY for me? It cost to much."

To people who don't know how to use Linux: Just because I use nano instead of gedit or any other GUI text editor does not mean I'm showing off. Why can't you understand that ssh-ing into a server and opening a file in the terminal itself to edit three lines of configuration is much easier than opening FileZilla, connecting, downloading the file, making the changes and uploading it again. It's fine if you want to do it that way. But please don't judge me for doing it my way.

To people who are good with Linux: Can you please stop suggesting me to use vim instead, EVERY FUCKING TIME? I know it's more powerful, but I haven't been using Linux enough to have surpassed it's learning curve. Plus I google up how to use it and do use it when I have the need. Please let me be?

To people who tell me to use Windows for everything: Go suck a fat dick, you uncultured morons.

It's not micromanagment. But I would like you to report to me every single day and discuss everything that you and every member of your team does every day.

Fuck you and your shitty updates Microsoft.

I never asked for a fucking weather app on my taskbar.

Why the actual fuck would I EVER need that shit? I have that on my phone already, same for my news, and literally everything else you try to molest me with.

Want to know why Linux is growing market share? It's because it's an OS first and not some husk that shoves content at you and screams "CONSUME ME!"

FUCK YOUR SHITTY UPDATES, AND FUCK YOUR PLATFORM OF PETTY METRIC BULLSHIT.

TL;Dr be specific, it's actually helpful.

Client rings... "The internet is down"

Me "ok where are you exactly and how are you connecting"

"Ugh the WiFi! Just fix it"

"Ok but where are you?"

"At $companyname"

"Ok and which wi..."

"The wifi?!! Can you do anything right?"

Well... I'm allowed flexibility in terms of pleasantry...

"Ok, there are 3 buildings, 55 rooms, 2 SSID's, 17 access points, 3 routers a RADIUS server and 2 gateways... Be specific or I'll do nothing"

Simple reboot of an access point, but c'mon... It's not a secret where you are

Rating:
"1 star for now. Will give 5 stars if it can make me coffee, bring me breakfast in bed and drive me to work."

It's a digital assistant not a literal butler you troll!

Me: "It's been three months, and you haven't placed the footer at the bottom of the page yet? It's in the bloody middle"

Colleague: "I havent gotten around to it yet"

Me: "I'm not really involved in this project, but I'm gonna move that fucking footer, it takes literally 2 seconds!"

He got pissed of and told me no.
He later told me "I don't want you to do it... cause I want to learn how to do it myself".

He's been working with web development for the last fucking year and a half...

Oh. It's been another 3 weeks. The footer is still right in the bloody middle of the page 🙃

On my annoying radar today - devs who learn one language and then *insist* on using it for everything, even when it makes absolutely zero sense.

"Ooh I'd like to do some microcontroller development. But I only know Java. How do you run Java on a microcontroller?"

"...You don't."

"...but I heard a talk where someone did it. Look, there's this microjava page. How do I use it?"

"It's an interesting technical demo, but that's it. Dude, just learn C. It's not hard, Java has C style syntax anyway and this way you can...."

"...but I only want to use modern programming languages. C is irrelevant these days, it's pointless me learning it."

"It's definitely still relevant if you want to program a microcontroller."

"...but I want to do that in Java."

🤦‍♂️

Me: hello IE, you see that div with id?
IE: ...... ..... .... yes.
Me: would you like to set it as absolute and stick to bottom?
IE: ........... i don't know...
Me: but all the other guys like chrome and firefox are doing it.. come on it's not object-fit: cover; just absolute positioning. Please.
IE: ......... I can't!
Me: why the fuck not??
IE: ......because I don't see the id...
Me: FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT!!!!!
IE:...............

My friend at school (IT High School in Poland if you're interested) just asked me what version of Windows does Elliot in Mr. Robot use. After I said that it's not Windows, he didn't let me finish my sentence and said that you can't push macOS theming this far.

Any time someone gets an idea that they talk to me about 'I want to build an app can you build apps'
Me : I'm not amazing at it but I can certainly try what's the idea?
Them: it's like Facebook but...
Me: that's plenty

Conversations I've genuinely had at work:

Me: "Do you want some advice understanding that function?"
Dev: "Yeah, please!"
Me: "Get a plastic bag and some super glue..."

Dev: "I think I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel!"
Me: "It's just the train of mental bitchslaps coming in the other direction."
... Some time later
Dev:"You were right... "

Dev: "If the system is so unstable, how does it keep working?"
Me: "Do you see any goats in the office?"
Dev: "Uhm no... Why would there be goats?"
Me: "There aren't, now, we ran out."
Dev: "The hell are you talking about?"
Me: "We just sacrifice our own blood to Cthulhu these days, it's cleaner and we didn't have to pay to have all the goats blood and waste matter to be cleaned up. That and it was needlessly cruel to the poor goats and that is why there is no goats and despite conventional logic the app continues to work."

Dev: "So what language is the web app written in?"
Me: "You need to understand I inherited this project, I had nothing to do with it's spawning..."
Dev: "OK, that sounds ominous... How bad is it?"
Me: "Java..."
Dev: "..."

Dev: "So what's it like working on this project? What should I expect?"
Me: "You'll call your grandmother during your lunch break just to know there's a world beyond this project. You'll go home, nose bleeding and you are gonna sit in the shower and rock back and forth, holding yourself and feeling like you're suffering imposter syndrome. You'll question why you joined this team and it'll get inside your head til it's all you think about..."
Dev: "Damn man, why are you still on it?"
Me: "Stockholm syndrome, it's too late for me..."

PM: "You're such a dark person, we're not gonna find you hanging from the lights one day are we?"
Me: "Impossible, we use those industrial fluorescent strip lights, there's no cord to hang from."
PM: "That really wasn't the comforting answer I was looking for."

Head of department: "So I need to apologize, you were never meant to be left on your to manage the product on your own, it's something someone way more senior should have been doing and we reassigned him. It wasn't professional of us, it wasn't fair of us, we're sorry. Truth be told,we're impressed you've not gone mad."
Me: "I think I have. Wibble."

A card goes round work for a sick member of staff I've never met.
Me: "How would you describe her condition?"
Dev: "She said that she 'survived' the surgery."
Me: "Yeah, I'm not great at being appropriate but even I think writing 'glad to hear that you are not dead' in a get well soon card isn't the done thing."

I really like JS, but sometimes it's just incredibly stupid.
NaN stands for Not-A-Number

typeof NaN
> 'number'

why are you doing this to me

Friend: you really should give Windows another chance, it's really not that bad.

Me: are you in possession of the only Windows computer that doesn't blue screen whenever there's a strong breeze outside?

Friend: No ... That does happen every now and then.

Me: So what's great about it then?

Friend: Look at this cool wallpaper, it's a slideshow of pictures of my kids.

Me: ... stop talking to me immediately ... and sit over there.

Made a website respecting ALL OF THE THINGS my client wanted to have.

Client sees result :
- "I don't like it, it's not a good idea."
- "But that's what you wanted me to do."
- "Yes, but you're the programmer, you should have known it wouldn't be good."

I had told him it's not a good idea a week ago. Fml.

QA: Why have you sent this for testing? it's not working!

Me: Have you cleared your cache?

QA: Oh

It's so fuckin hard to work with people who don't get sarcasm or humour.

The UI guy gives me design (which is a regular design, not something unique)

Me: “wow fresh and unique design (obviously sarcasm).”
Designer: “thanks, I worked on this whole day. Glad you like it.”
Me: “huh...”

Now I feel like a terrible person.

It's time for another teacher story. So grab a cup of tea and listen.

We were casually talking about Arduino programming because he told me he teaches this in another class.
Teacher: it's so sad that i can't use my java code on the Arduino. I mean the Arduino uses java so there shouldn't be a problem.
Me: *internal* HOLD THE FUCK ON
Me: you know that the Arduino uses c and not java, do you?
Teacher: but the Arduino can do java commands! How do you explain this!?
Me: because java uses the c-syntax and it's more of a coincidence that they're named the same way?
Teacher: huh. Ok. But C# doesn't use it, am i right?

How can someone this dumb be a programming teacher 🤦

Me: takling to a colleague on Skype for business

My 3 year old son: what are you doing?

Me: talking on the phone

Son: that's not a phone

Me: ... That's right, it's called Skype. But its' executable is called lync.exe. It's just trying to pretend to be Skype. Repeat after me: lync

Son: lync

Me: great! Stay away from lync. It's evil!

Boss: Here's the next project that I would you to start immediately.
Me: So the client wants <Application Name>
Boss: Yes and it's due on Friday after 2 weeks.
Me: Yes can be done. By what time today you can give me the requirements.
Boss: Not today, I will give you the requirements next week Friday.
Me: So I should start the project next week Friday.
Boss: You have to start the project today
Me: Start with what? There is no requirement. Excuse me, I need a break.

!dev

My mental health has been down the drain b'cuz of circumstances. And unfunnily, it did end up taking the better of me. yet folks around me still do not believe it's a thing that people don't want to live anymore; rather it's a "childish" thing and "are you so weak" thing.

And I'm just gonna tell you, if you ever said that to someone who feels like the world is coming to an end for them, you're an unbearable ass, and you're probably one reason that person wants to off themself.

Living around some people is just torture on its own.

Dad: “Hey son.. I have this new software called blablablu.."

Me: "yeah?.."

Dad: "well it's not working.. there's an error and it's not doing what I want.."

Me: "okay.. I don't know.. sorry.. I don't know that software.. I can't help you.."

Dad: "you're studying computer science... you should know what to do.."

You ****ing serious?! -.-

Just spoke with another teams developer. (She's using Java)

Her: so we get a json object from your service, I want an array
Me: well that's not what you said in the specs... And it's not hard since it's just a Map
Her: what Map? It's JSonObject I need an Array
Me: give me the library your using..
Her: here...

I Google the documentation and methods and paste the link and the methods to use:

-length (she also wanted count)
-toJsonArray

This ain't JS, just use the . operator and go thru all the methods' docs... Or learn to use Google

Oh yeah, that's an awesome 404 page, what do you guys say?

P.S. - Page is not developed by me, it's MailChimp

YAY! I know it's not much compared to you geniuses but it's been hard for me to take the time through high school to really wrap my head around the technicals. I just wanted to share my joy with y'all!!! :D I'm also currently going through the "30 days challenge" and I'm on day 19 still but ayyy I'm getting there!!!

Me : I'm a software developer.
Neighbor : Hey could you fix my PC it's not starting.
Me : *goes*
*Finds monitor cable disconnected*

*Facepalm level==69*

Fuck you idiots at medium.com for your sheer impudence. Not only that you track me, which I havn't agreed to, you think it's a good idea to nag around and gather even more data!
You stinking farts label your stalking as "let's make things official"! Who shit in your head?
I've seen other places way more often, and guess what, no coffee bar has ever had the idea to ask for my ID card just because I bought my second or third coffee there.
But just because it's the internet you think it's OK to be intrusive wankers, yeah?! Fuck off.

I rarely codes in the morning, it's just not the time. I can't focus.

My inspiration comes at night. That's the right moment for me. I sometimes wish that my office hour is at night 😂

How about you?

Windows: "You put in a USB I can't read property cuz it's not NTFS/FAT, want me to delete everything??!"

I think Gihub/intellij has spoiled me. Whenever I get discounts or free stuff as a student/employee and it's not either completely free or 99.99% off I feel cheated.

Product - Oh you are a student? Here's $990 of this $1000 software, enjoy.

Me - Not completely free!? I'll take my cheap ass elsewhere thank you.

*Disclaimer - work percs are awesome plz no fire Mr. Bossman if you see this*

Team leader: hey why this bug is taking too much time? You could fix it hours ago let me try to fix it. I really fuckin hate juniors ...

*Hours later*
Me: could you fix it ?

Team leader: ....

*Couple of years later*

Me: ah i see it's not an easy but could you find any solution bro?

Team leader: no it's not a straight forward bug. You are right am sorry i shouldn't prejudge

Me: The phone rings but when I pick up there's nothing there.

Indian call center: Okay sir can you tell me if the landline is plugged into the modem

Me: It's ringing. Yes, it's plugged in.

Indian call center: Okay we'll reset the modem.

Me: I already did that. Twice. Just to be able to speak to you because the robot made me.

Indian call center: Okay so we'll reset your modem again.

*resets*

Indian call center: Do you get a dial tone now?

Me: Yes. I have this entire time. No one can call me.

Indian call center: Sir that is not possible.

Me: Call it and see for yourself.

Indian call center: *calls, phone hangs up for them the second I answer*

Why did you hang up on me, sir?

Me: *internal screaming*

~ Freelancer.com Week #1 ~

Project: I need someone to debug an application's code and review it. Budget 30 bucks.

Bid: I am an experienced developer I can probably review it in an hour.

client: Hi, need you to check if app is contains virus [link to scam website]

me: sure, download supposed "social Bitcoin miner" and run some AV tests...8+ positive flags for a Trojan virus.

>Me: It's a Trojan virus mate it's not legitimate😟

>Client: Can you remove the Trojan virus so that the legit not stays?

Me: Umm there is no bot mate it's just a virus 😕 I wouldn't open it outside a sandbox

Client: But here it says Bitcoin faucet bot [links shitty how-to youtube video]

Me: 😒 it's not real dude you are about to get scammed, I can test it in a VM if you. . .

Client: I opened it already, it's working

Me: 😮 r u sure?

Client: yes, can you install VM for further testing?

Me: sure, in your computer?

Client: yes

Me: just download the windows image and text me when it's done

Client: My disc is full! Only 3 gb left

Me: 😑 call me when you clean it

Client: [ offline ]

Not just another Windows rant:

*Disclaimer* : I'm a full time Linux user for dev work having switched from Windows a couple of years ago. Only open Windows for Photoshop (or games) or when I fuck up my Linux install (Arch user) because I get too adventurous (don't we all)

I have hated Windows 10 from day 1 for being a rebel. Automatic updates and generally so many bugs (specially the 100% disk usage on boot for idk how long) really sucked.

It's got ads now and it's generally much slower than probably a Windows 8 install..

The pathetic memory management and the overall slower interface really ticks me off. I'm trying to work and get access to web services and all I get is hangups.

Chrome is my go-to browser for everything and the experience is sub par. We all know it gobbles up RAM but even more on Windows.

My Linux install on the same computer flies with a heavy project open in Android Studio, 25+ tabs in Chrome and a 1080p video playing in the background.

Up until the creators update, UI bugs were a common sight. Things would just stop working if you clicked them multiple times.

But you know what I'm tired of more?

The ignorant pricks who bash it for being Windows. This OS isn't bad. Sure it's not Linux or MacOS but it stands strong.

You are just bashing it because it's not developer friendly and it's not. It never advertises itself like that.

It's a full fledged OS for everyone. It's not dev friendly but you can make it as much as possible but you're lazy.

People do use Windows to code. If you don't know that, you're ignorant. They also make a living by using Windows all day. How bout tha?

But it tries to make you feel comfortable with the recent bash integration and the plethora of tools that Microsoft builds.

IIS may not be Apache or Nginx but it gets the job done.

Azure uses Windows and it's one of best web services out there. It's freaking amazing with dead simple docs to get up and running with a web app in 10 minutes.

I saw many rants against VS but you know it's one of the best IDEs out there and it runs the best on Windows (for me, at least).

I'm pissed at you - you blind hater you.

Research and appreciate the things good qualities in something instead of trying to be the cool but ignorant dev who codes with Linux/Mac but doesn't know shit about the advantages they offer.

3:30 on a Friday, random PM: our Argentina devs just sent out a merge request. We need to release before the weekend.
me: We try not to release on Friday afternoon unless it's for a high priority bug fix.
PM: This is urgent
me: why?
PM: We're two weeks behind schedule and the dev for this it's going on vacation in an hour.
me: so, you want to release when there's no one around if something goes wrong and the person who knows anything about it isn't contactable?
PM: yes
me: no.

Me @ people having code trouble : haha, relax! It's not the code's fault nor computers, it just does what you tell it to.

Me @ code giving me trouble : I fucking know code has ancestry and you bring dishonor to yours, fucknuckle.

Boss: We are going live tomorrow, are you ready?
Me: (Goosebumps and dry mouth) Sorry can you repeat that
Boss: Oh sorry not you, it's Sam whose app going live tomorrow
Me: (Inner me) Motherfucker. You dry dick piece of shit

Hey junior... when I'm asking a question it's not the answer I'm looking for.... It's your thought process! Just tell me the things you will not do and we can take it from there!

Is it just me or does this shirt make no sense? If your coffee was empty, then it would return true and you would keep coding. If it was not empty you would fill it.

Plus it's not a while loop, so unless this is some sort of recursion you wouldn't keep going....

Interview for a new job
Team leader: well yes, we have this webapp with Angular, it's a bit convoluted so we need help working on it
Me: sounds good enough, I have no experience with Angular though, I'll need to learn on the road
Team leader: no worries :)

A couple of weeks later, after joining the team
Me: wait a moment, that's not Angular you got there. That's AngularJS, it's like 10 years old
Team leader: 😊

Bruh

Guy: - "Your restart script doesn't work."
Me: - "What do you mean?"
Guy: - "It does nothing."
Me: - "It should kill every processes that's running within the project and start them again. Wait... Why do you terminate it?"
Guy: - "I don't. It just stops."
Me: - "It says `Terminated` here. You killed it. Just let it do it's job, don't kill it."
Guy: - "I'm not killing it! It just stops!"

(...two hours later...)

Me: - "Wait... Where do you run it from?"
Guy: - "What do you mean? I just run the script you gave me."
Me: - "Yeah, but where do you run it from? Where did you put it?"
Guy: - "It's part of the project so I put it in the project, d'oh!"

PO: "I'll email you the details."
Me: Sure, I'll start with what I have right now.

I start coding, 7 hours later I got something working, not sure if it's what he wants.

Still no email.

I might have a followup rant tomorrow when he tells me it's not what he wanted at all.

Dev: Hay dude , look this page is broken, how long has it been like this.
Me: No? 🤔, Weren't you working on the Database for this yesterday?
Dev: I didn't change anything yet...
Me: Okay, let's do a git bisect and see where this came from.
...After going back in history and checking out like 3 commits.
Dev: It's fine I'll just search for it
Me: 😕, that's what we are doing the bisect for?
Dev: But we've already looked at so many!?
...After some time of convincing, finds good commit, does the bisect and finds offending piece of code. The database details changed.
Me: okay so while it's still pointing to the old database it's working but switch it to the latest one and it breaks. You sure you didn't change anything?
Dev: I didn't do anything.
Me: okay well it seems to me like it must be a database issue, let me know what you find.
10min later...
Dev: Hay dude, soo I found it, I accidentally renamed a table
In my mind: 😲😲😲

I hate working at a company with bad practices like saving database config into git and not making a copy of the database when you intend to work on it, and not edit the f'ing live instance! Not even close to the luxury of migrations.

Started my own business recently, it's still in the works but it's picking up nicely... Had a (l)user call me this morning asking if I could help him with his website design. I tell him he's and ask him what he's like his website to do... His exact words "I want everything like Facebook but the site not to be called Facebook and the colors green. Can you please make this happen?"

FUCK YOU!

When you ask the IT-Department of a company collab with Microsoft, why you aren't allowed to use Firefox instead of IE.

The answer is: "It's insecure because it's open source"

YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME INSECURE ??? IT IS MORE SECURE AS IE!!! INSECURE BECAUSE OPEN SOURCE? THAN LET'S USE CHROME OR OPERA INSTEAD BUT NOT IE

"PLEASE COME QUICKLY OUR INTERNAL NETWORK IS FUCKED!
-Uh, mam', could you describe the problem?"
Spent an hour, trying to fix this "network issue". Basic level 1 and 2 support. Can't connect using RDP on the server. No teamviewer either. Unplug, replug everything. Restart the server, the router, the switches. I knew that it was something dumb. I spent 3h on the highway.
To find.
That the fucking.
Ethernet cable.
Was plugged oN THE MOTHER FUCKING ILO PORT! FUCK HP, FUCK THIS, FUCK ME BECAUSE I SHOULD'VE ASKED FOR A PHOTO.

"It's fixed, mam'. Did you touch something when it was working?
-Uh, no, I swear. Also, could you please take a look at our printer? It's not working. It was out of ink so I changed the cartridge yesterday, but today it's not working!"

The cartridge was not inserted correctly.

Then she nicely made me a coffee, thanking me for the fix and asking what the problems were.

Just kidding.

“This must be Thursday,' said Arthur to himself, sinking low over his beer. 'I never could get the hang of Thursdays.”
― Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

^^ this couldn't come more handy..

It's thursday, my computer didn't auto reboot due to updates (yaaay) but VS decided to kill my keyboard shortcuts nevertheless... :\

FU VS!!
Wen't to check, it's actually still there (written) ok..

Me: Why won't you work?!
VS: Not tellin..
Me: Dafaq?! Ok, I'll delete you and reset..
VS: Nope, you won't!
Me: Why don't you allow the same shortcut to be assigned?! Why is nothing getting typed in?!
VS: Dunno, to piss you off maybe?
Me: What's wrong with you?!
VS: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Processing is WHAT?!
So is it just me or is processing like the most fun thing to do with coding ? I mean, it's perfect for relax; it's fun like playing games but it still gives you something.

I've never been so keen to code like I am after weekend with processing. OMG!
And it's not just that you can do everything, understand how M$ Paint/Photoshop does things, understand how games work and how EVERYTHING around graphics works, it's also that there are SO MANY REAAAAALLY GOOD resources that you enjoy ""studying"". Things like pong, game of life, Gaussian blur (the one you use in Photoshop daily, yeah, do you understand how it works ?), Painting or edge detection OR ANY OTHER THING RELATING TO GRAPHICS.

It's simply amazing so if you don't know about it, give it at least 10 minutes(at that point, you'll be programming GTA 6/Photoshop 2 or something..), you won't regret it.

Anyaway, feel free to share your creations!

Java script is like an angry girlfriend who won't tell you what is wrong.
This shit happened today.

Me: somearray.includes[stuff];
JS: I'm alright everything is fine.
Me: no it's not, Clearly the feature is not working.
JS:* silence*
Me: Fine be that way.. * spends lot of time debugging finally finds the issue*...oh shit.
Me: somearray.includes(stuff);
JS: I SAID NO TRAILING SPACE IN END OF THE LINE YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT NO TRAILING FUCKING SPACES AAAAHHHH!!!

Co-worker: dude, I need your help!
Me: all yours.
Co-worker: can't fix that sh$t over here.

[IDE]
Err on line~~
badFunction(...);

Me: piece of cake, gimme your keyboard.

[IDE]
Build successeful.

Co-worker: duuude, how did you...???
Me: Better not look.
Co-worker: but I am curious to know, ya know
Me: promise not to scream, k?
Co-worker: I just hope it's none of your old-stylish jokes.
Me: oh dude, you know me for years, trust me, it's fine.
Co-worker: -_-

Pattern I'm noticing...

*email* Hey, can you help me with my code, I don't know why it's not working...*end email*

no comments. if you wrote the shit and don't know what the blazes it's doing, how am i supposed to know what you broke? I'm not a mind reader, I don't know what you were thinking when you wrote the code.

true, I could go through and read it and try to figure it out, but then i'll be cranky and much less likely to want to help you in the future because you're causing unnecessary work, and part of my job is to get you ready for work environments, and I WILL DO EVERYTHING IN MY FUCKING POWER TO MAKE YOU THE ONE PERSON THAT EVERYONE DOESN'T HATE, BUT I WILL HATE YOU FOREVER BECAUSE YOU'RE PISSING ME THE HELL OFF.

It's not a bug if a feature is working how you told me it should work but not how you wanted it to work.

Found a bug, reported it to the maintainer.
He then tells me to ignore it since no one noticed it (besides me).
I tell him i can't do it since it's just wrong and he can simply fix it.
Turns out he's just lazy as hell and got mad at me, so i go and fix it.
Next day boss is mad at me because i'm wasting time on tasks that it's not of my concern even knowing all my tasks were completed.
Not even a "thank you by the way".
What did i miss here?

Me: "ok for the following changes you must pay the following charge because it's not in the scope"
Customer: "bUt tHiS Is Not whAt I wanT, wOnT pAY thE ResT iF yoU arE nOt DoiN It blablabla"
Marketing: "please do it for him"
Fuck me.

them: "This external HD isn't compatible with my Mac."
me: "It is, it probably just needs to be formatted."
them: *hands me box, with HD still in plastic wrap*

So, how do you know it's not compatible?

Is this just me?

if(..... expression.....){
System.out.println("it works, calm down");
} else{
System.out.println("it's not fucking working, holy fucckk, fucking WORK");
}

Tell me if you do something similar.

Hey Google, maybe I'd subscribe to YouTube Premium if you weren't throwing midroll ads into my tutorials every 3:45.

It's stupid, because they're trying so hard to annoy me into subscribing that they've done the opposite and annoyed me into NOT subscribing. I'd have considered it before, but ever since their recent changes it's so frickin' annoying that I refuse to subscribe just on principle because I won't financially support those pieces of trash anymore than absolutely necessary.

Here's a real tip for people new to the industry.

It's one of those things that's been said over and over again but very few can really seem to employ. I suggest you learn it /well/.

You are not your code. Criticisms of your code, ideas, or your thought processes, is not a criticism of YOU. You absolutely cannot take criticisms of your work personally.

We are engineers. We strive to seek the best solution at all times.

If someone has found a problem with your code or with an idea or whatnot, it is coming from a place of "this is not the best solution", NOT "you're an idiot".

It's coming from a place of "I'm closing this PR because it is not a change I feel suits this project", NOT "I'm closing this PR because it's coming from a woman".

It's coming from a place of "This feature request is ridiculous/this bug is not actually a bug", NOT "you're a fucking idiot, fuck you".

It's coming from a place of "I've already had to address this in a number of issues before and it's eaten up a considerable amount of my time already", NOT "I don't even know you and this I don't have time for a nobody".

You do not get to be bitchy to maintainers because they denied your request. It's not a reflection of you at all. But if you're arguing with someone who has maintained a piece of code for almost a decade, and they're telling you something authoritative, believe them. They're probably smarter than you on this subject. They've probably thought about it more. They've probably seen their code used in many different places. They have more experience than you with that codebase in almost all cases.

Believe me, if we cared about who was behind all of the issues, pull requests, etc. we get, we'd get NOTHING done. Stop taking shit personally. It's a skill, not a defense mechanism. Nobody has the time to sugar coat every little thing.

Let's normalize directness and stop wasting time during technical discussions into opportunities for ego-stroking and circle-jerking and back-patting.

It's a new semester and the introductory class for a General Ed is going on.
Prof: What do you want to be when you are done with engineering?
Me: I'd like to be in the security domain but I'm still not sure.
Prof: Then why are you doing Computer Science? You can just get a job as a security personnel.
FML.

Colleague: Hey! This is not finished!
Me: Did you pull from the repo?
Colleague:
Me:
Colleague: Oh look, it's finished.

After 2 years of applying for jobs and not getting any, I'm beyond tired of hearing employers complain to me and ask: "You have a Bachelors degree in Computer Science, you should be able to find a job without breaking a sweat".

Excuse me? In what world do you live in? Are you not aware that we have been living in an academically oversaturated market for more than two decades now? Nowadays you need a degree, plus a heavy portfolio plus crazy interest in the field (to an obsessive degree) because the competition is fierce.

It's not my fault I don't get jobs. It's always some "no fit", "not enough experience" bullshit.

Sigh.. seriously.

Me: 'alriiight let's run this code here'

Logs: 'lol the function you did is deprecated. how about you don't do that, and do the right thing instead'

What was the right thing?
I don't know. It's not on their documentation in their site.

Thanks, js devs :) you guys are the absolute best

Grandma: so how do I scan that thingy in order to comnect to the wifi?
Me: I already told you that's something that you have to do only once. Just turn on wifi and it'll connect automatically
G: But I already turned it on and it's not connecting. Now tell me how to scan that again
Me: Are you sure that you did?
G: Yes
*Checks*
Me: It's disabled...
*enables wifi*
G: Oh, thanks, it's working now.

Literally every time she wants her phone to connect to the wifi.

Girlfriend: How much water did you drink today?
Me: About 3 litres.
Girlfriend: How much of that is coffee?
Me: 5 cups.
Girlfriend: How can you count coffee in that?
Me: Why not?
Girlfriend: It's diuretic.
Me: Yes, but it's still water that goes through my body.
Girlfriend: You're such a smart-ass, huh?
Me: Well, yes, I am.
Girlfriend: So why are you so tired if you think you're drinking enough water? Well?
Me: Never ask a question you don't want to know the answer to.

Girlfriend slammed the door.

So no, women don't want honest men. Guys, lie, lie, lie.

And now I can look at the error message.

Customer: can you fix my flashdrive? I think it's corrupted or something.

Me: sure no problem

*plugs in flashdrive in pc*
*tried to format*
*Disk is write protected*

Me: ... not you again.

-Friday
Me: *pushes fix for an issue in app*

-Tuesday, the next week
Colleague: "Hey, dude, fid you fix that issue?"
Me: "Yeah, it's available since Friday morning"
Colleague: *e-mails me screenshot with the issue still present*
Me: "That's odd, let me check that on your machine"
Me: *opens the app on his machine, the issue really is there, starting to freak out that I messed up the repo*
Me: "Why the hell would that not work... wait a sec, lemme check something.."
Me: *checks the app version and discovers that it's from 2 months ago*
Me (turns on colleague): "I guess, you should update it to see the newest functionality"
Me: *goes to the toilet, locks himself up, cries*

To register for Facebook's hacker cup.

Fuck you 1:
I need a Facebook account

Fuck you 2:
I need to enter my address and phone number mandatorily. Because they'll send me a t shirt if I win one. It's not like anyone would not win a t shirt or not want one right? So fucking slurp away at all their privacy data any way.

Here's my address for you facebook

No 666, fuck you street, privacypolis, fuckington offville.

I'm starting to think about not working for this potential client I met today.

He said he wants me to modify an open source software, I asked him what language it's written with, he replied "Open Source". He thinks Open source was a language.

He hasn't even given me the link of the repo, he was already telling me not to put bug in the project in a bid to always make him contact me for updates.

I asked him sarcastically, "Who does that? ".

He was also talking about me doing minor tweaks here and there if need be after I deliver.

Too many red flags for me. No contract and I'm not interested. I foresee it's going to go sour.

What do you guys feel?

What are your feelings on committing your .gitignore file to the repo? I argue that you SHOULD commit the .gitignore file because you are much less likely to accidentally commit things you don't want.

My team lead just told me that he doesn't want the .gitignore file in the repo because it's not part of the build.

Found this while googling an error...

It identifies as an easter-egg therefor it is an easter-egg, so don't you dare egg shame me!

😁 It's not much but i'll take it 😂

Writing some algorithm:
me: *codes for half an hour*
"hmm... isn't working... wait wtf this isn't right..."
me: *codes for an hour again*
"still not working hmmm... wait what no this isn't supposed to work..."
me: *codes for a few hours*
"still not working God damnit.... it's supposed to work now..."
me after another few hours: MOTHERFUCKER CAN YOU START FCKING WORKING FUUUUUUUUUUU

Docker is funny.

I'll try to fire up docker-compose and it will freak out.

Docker Error: "Oh man! Oh man! Something is wrong! It's probably not docker it's YOUR CONTAINER!!!! WTF DUDE!!!"

Me: "Uh docker ... your little systray icon indicates docker itself is broken right now...""

Docker: "No way man, i'm sure it's your fucked up container, must be something wrong with it!!!"

Me: "I'm just gonnna restart you."

Docker: "OK but I'm just say'n th----"

-restarts docker-

-restarts docker-compose-

Docker: "OMG It's up!!!!"

WTF chrome/google?! Fuck you & your new designs & features!!
Anyone else got forced new grouping for tabs after the update?! Hey, you can group tabs in.. I know, I just don't want to!! It's fugly and annoying and counterproductive..
It used to work to change flags to not have that 'feature' but I can no longer force the old layout for tabs even with flags.. :/ It's driving me nuts..

I just got the question why I'm moving around so much when I'm programming...
How can you NOT move around!? Let me dance, air guitar, air drum and I will perform three times better! It's my zone :-D

I want to know what brings you Joy while programming/coding?

I've been trying to catch that certain feeling...

For me it's having everything make sense and a logical flow through the code and it works every if it is adding two vars.

And please definitely not the money if you're coding for money then you're not enjoying it.

Being sick absolutely deleted what bullshit I can tolerate

- Searching through feed of jobs
- See 999$ Job with description "*platform* forced me to put a budget, but it's not fixed, tell me your quote and what's fair"
- Quote X$ with Y$ interview cost
- Get a message, write and then get the budget "I got offered 10$, 40$, .. if you can do it for 75$ it's a deal!"

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME, THAT'S WHAT THE FUCKING BUDGET IS FOR, WHY PUT 999 IF YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T SPEND MORE THAN 75 WTF?

It's the 21st century. We have this amazing thing called the Internet. It's literally at our finger tips. Any information you want can be found with the tap of a phone screen, and the information will be presented to you in less than a second.

Why is this concept so fucking hard for people to comprehend? Instead of asking me "How do I write a resignation letter?", search the damn internet for resignation letter guides. Like Jesus Christ, it's not that hard of a concept to comprehend. Especially when you've basically grown up with the internet in our lives.

Me: Hi, I finished X and Y, will finish Z tomorrow and be able to push it to the staging server for you to test!
*Client 15 hours later*
Client: I don't see it, where is it?
Me: It's not there yet, I need to finish Z first, it's right now on the development server, not the testing server
Client: Yes, but I don't see it?
...

Yesterday
Boss: Can you export the foo data and send it to me?
Me: Sure
Me (later): Ok, just shared foo.csv with you. It should have everything you need, just let me know if you need the bar data.
Boss: OK, thanks.

Today
Boss: Did you get the foo data exported?
Me: Yes, I shared that with you yesterday
Boss: What did you name it?

This is all in a chat, by the way, not in person. Scrolling for 1.5 seconds reveals all the relevant information.

How do I respond in a way that is not sarcastic and does not belittle my boss? I'm not sure it's even possible.

Some non-IT people wrote a crappy software tool. Others have started using it for business critical processes.

Asshats: "People are starting to use our tool and that means it's production ready!"

Me: "If and when this breaks are they going to call you to fix it?"

Asshats: "Well it's really just a proof of concept."

They want the glory but not the work that goes with it. And they dont want anyone else to develop it. They have been a huge pain for me lately.

My boss says to me this morning.

Boss: Can you add these links as a redirect 301 to this link.

Me: Ok, I'm not the developer for that domain but I guess I can do it. Let's try to update apache htaccess for that domain through my account.

(After a swift ssh connection to the server to check out that domain.)

Me: Er...boss, we don't own that domain. We cannot redirect it's links to our other domains.

Boss: Why? What do you mean?!

Me: well if we don't own that domain, than it is not on our server and we cannot update it's server config files. So we cannot redirect that domain to our other domains.

Boss: Are you sure?

It went on like this for a while. I had a laugh break after.

Quick rant!!

Deadline in 2 days, working with a team.

Me: yo ! , How's the xyz feature? Is it working now?

Teammate: yah, made it work yesterday.

Me: epic! Can you present it to me?

Teammate: wtf, it's not working today!!

Me: no worries, you can sort it out!

Teammate: the latest release you worked on doesn't work properly.

Me: yah, merged code fucked up, I'm fixing that, I'll push a fix today.

And the cycle continues...

The kitchen at my office is pretty small, it fits a max of two people. Today morning while making a sandwich, an infrastructure dev walks in and proceeds to say... "I hope you don't mind me standing behind you, it's really not a Christian thing to do"... what?

Hello world. I'm new here :)
Here we go..

Me: Oh I really need this software but it's Wangblows only..
*Installs wangblows temporarily*
Me: ugh. So much bloatware
*starts uninstalling all shitty games and useless shit in win10*
Me: much better. Let's get coding...
*30min later*
Me: *restarts pc*
Me: why the fuck are all of these apps back? There are even more fucking games and useless crap.
*goes batshit crazy because it's not the first time happening*
Me: fuck this shit
Me: *installs Linux again*
Why the actual fuck do you have to pay for this disgrace called an "operating system" and then you get so much fucking ads and bloatware and..and.. inf cucmfing suofelelchefhdisksls

Company I work for issues Macs to everyone, and it's a software company. I'm not a MacOS fan. Tried for 3 months, still irritates me. Now I have Windows 10 on my MacBook Pro, and the world is right again. You can't imagine the flack I get!!!!

Fuck you sideways stupid ass clowns of HR people.

If you don't want to hire me, it's okay. What is not okay it's to steal several days of my life with your idiotic multi-step interviews, telling me I did awesome and you'd like to hire me as soon as possible, then actively avoid any contact for three whole fucking weeks, just to finally tell me you've chosen someone else with a more prestigious degree but way less actual experience in the field. You'll come to me begging soon and I'll laugh in your faces.

Just right now:
Management: How's the feature going?

Me: The backend is done. Here's how the front end looks so far...

Management: What?! No! Where will they input the units? What about the input#2? and the graphs?! You were just not going to put that?

Me: ... this is how it's lookin so far. The deadline isn't until next week. I'm actually pretty ahead of schedule.

Management: But what about button #2 and #3? And input #4?

Me: Yes, it's all planned. It's not done yet. You asked me how I'm doing so far. Of course I haven't finished.

Kotlin support on Android:
i never liked Java, not because of the language but for the usual bad design implementations and Android is one of those.
Then Kotlin arrived, it looked very promising but it's when i looked at Coroutines that it simply blew my mind:
you just have to write your code and the Kotlin's compliler "magic" will do most of the boring/complex stuff for you and it's even great performance wise!
I even refactored inter-process calls to simple sync functions with few like of code and for a non-android developer like me it's just love at first sight!

Fucking hate when business people says this to me:
- You have no time to do this, we will find somebody else to do it. (EXCUSE ME? how do you know I have no time? If have no time I WILL TELL YOU)
- Your team is too busy, we will outsource that (IF THAT it's a priority, we WILL DO THAT, fuck you, I'll tell you if we need to outsource or not)
- Requirements are too complex to do now. We will think about it and we will tell you, maybe it's just enough to add a column to db (WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS too complex? I didn't even see anything we can call requirement, nor speak with relevant people, so how do you fucking know they are complex if you don't know shit about dev and our platform)

Conclusion
It's true, I have no time, because I don't fucking understand what do you want, so I'm running all day and night doing useless things.

Context:
Me, Front-end Developer, Javascript stuff
---

Junior Dev: Hey xxzer0, could you help me with this? I spent the entire day on it and at this point, I think I just broke Chrome.

xxzer0: *---* Okay, let me see.

Junior Dev: Do you see it? I am updating the Javascript code but it's not working at all. The browser is not even loading it... Literally, the code I just wrote is not there.

**
Now be me, be the fucking idiot I was and I have been my whole life, I already knew what was going on because I lost a fucking day on it as this guy.
**

xxzer0: Well, let me see just one thing...

'Open Chrome Dev Tools' -> 'Network' -> 'Disable Cache'.

xxzer0: Now try again...

Junior Dev: What are you..doi........ IT'S WORKING! O.O

Chrome, I love you but sometimes I wish you could make this more "accessible" to newcomers.

I am of the firm belief that a function should always return just one type.

I think it's the most convoluted thing that a function should be allowed to return any kind of type.

I've seen shit like return a string when something is valid and then a boolean if it's not valid.

To me, that kind of flexibility has some funky code smell.

I'm looking at you WordPress 🤨

Boss: "how is the project going? When will you be finished? It's not that much to do right?"
Me - I'm stuck in my spaghetti. Not even started to implement things - fuck

client: can you add *these fearures*
me: sure
client: can we get it in 2 days
me: sure

*it's 2:22 am , not funished and should present the project tomorrow*
damn , always fall in the same mistake.
wish me luck

Customer: as soon as you get a proof of concept could you send it to me?

Me: sure *sends app to test* here is what it currently does and does not do.

Customer: thanks, here is a list of 59284 things that dont work or need changed.

No shit sherlock. It's not done, you wanted a very early version, and of the things you listed I already mentioned half of those.

When you've finished a project and the site goes live, you get a message from the client "looking good". To me that implies it's not finished, and I'm expecting a follow up message "can you just..."

How my day went.

Project Manager: We need deliverable X.

Me: That's not listed.

PM: But we need it. Other PM says what you provided isn't enough.

Me: Too bad. I was not told to deliver it.

PM2: We need deliverable X.

Me: Look at the requirements. It is not there. I'm not providing it.

PM2: We need it. Let me ask PM3.

PM3: We need deliverable X.

Me: No. It's not listed. And here's why it's not even applicable.

PM3: Oh....ok

Friend1 (being lewd): I'll merge you in to my git repository
Me: When you try to merge but she has her special days of the month it's called a merge conflict
Friend2: It's not a merge without a little blood

Serously I just recoverd from being overworked and senior developers are complaining to me that their code does not work???

DUDE just read the fucking error and start googling!

How the fuck do you think I learned software development?

It's a fucking matter of trail 'n error!

someone: so what do you do?
me: I'm a software developer
someone: oh, can you design me a logo?
me: no
someone: something simple, I'm sure...
me: NO, IT'S NOT MY F***ING JOB

Today:

Someone: OMGz I have a demo in an hour and I need X, Y, Z.

-at this point it's not a big ask-

Me: Ok there that's good.

Someone: Also A,B,C!!!

Me: Ok you need to tell me D, E, F...

-radio silence ... clock continues to click...-

ʅ（´◔౪◔）ʃ

Who's the dumbass that decided you can't delete your PayPal account at all unless your balance is $0?

I am not giving you my card information for the $0.18 balance I have. For God sakes, I don't even bend over to pick that up if I see it on the ground.

It's one thing if it were like $100 or even $10. But it's eighteen fucking cents. Not even a a quarter of a fucking dollar.

At least make me put in my password and answer a security question or some shit, not straight up remove the option to delete it.

Fucking ridiculous.

In one of my teams there was this non-IT girl.
One morning, she asks out loud:
G - Can I run a Json?
Me - Wait! What are you trying to do?
G - I need to deploy my changes into the Dev server.

Suddently I realized what she meant.
Me- It's Jenkins! Not Json. :D

Me: Hmm... My Android phone has been acting strange lately, cell signal keeps dropping... Maybe I picked up a virus... let's flash the latest update.

Phone: Updating Done

Me: Hm... signal is still bad... maybe it's hardware... *Angry*

Phone: By the way you lost root

Me: @#$%$&&$%^#$!#$@$%$#%^ OK LETS SEE, SUPERSU, REINSTALL THE BINARIES... YES!!!

Phone: Reinstalling... Restarting...
......................................................
......................................................

Me: it's not loading.... why? NO! I bricked it..... NO NO NO NO.....

*1 hour of flailing...*

Hey Recovery still works! OK, let's try to reflashing the OS

Phone: Flashing... Restarting...

Me: Please, please... let this work.... it's not starting............. wait. IT LOADED!!!! WOOT!!!! AWESOME...

Phone: still no root...

Me: Eh...

And there went my most of my evening which I was supposed to spend preparing for an interview tomorrow....

Central team: No, your team must be doing something wrong. Our pipeline is super-configurable and works for any situation! You just have to read the docs!

Me: Where are the docs?

Central team: Uhh, well, umm... we'll hook you up with a CI/CD coach!

Me: Okay, cool. In the mean time, can you point me at the repo where all the base scripts are?

Central team: Sure, it's here.

Me, some weeks later: Yeah, uhh, the coach can't seem to figure out how to make our Prod deployment work either.

Central team: That's impossible! It's so easy and completely configurable!

Me: Well, okay... but, here's the thing: your pipeline IS pretty "configurable", in the sense that you look for A LOT of variables...

Central team: See! We told you!

Me: ...none of which are actually documented, so they're just about useless to me...

Central team: But, but the coach...

Me: ...couldn't make heads or taisl of it either despite him literally being ON YOUR TEAM...

Central team: Then your project must just be architected wrong!

Me: Well, we're not perfect, so could be...

Central team: Right!

Me: ...but I think it's far more likely that the scripts... you know, the ACTUAL Python scripts the pipeline executes... while it took me DAYS to get through all your levels of abstraction and indirection and, well, BULLSHIT... it turns out they are incredibly NOT flexible. They do one thing, all the time, basically disregarding any flexibility in the pipeline. So, yeah, I'm thinking this is probably one of this "it's you, not me" deals.

Central team: Waaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!

When your non-programmer boss asks how exactly some code/bug was fixed.

"You sure? I mean, alright... "

It's not like every time something doesn't work right, this will be the fix. We're not going to have a conversation in the future where you help me troubleshoot something by remembering parts of this conversation.

Client: "documentation, oh you mean those grey texts the previous code guy wrote on the code files"

Me: I kinda need more than "grey texts on the code files" if you want me to actually fix the system and implement the new specs.

Client: oh you mean the Microsoft asp books

Me: It's a Laravel system sir, it's php not asp.net

Client: what are those?

Me:.................

I remember the first time I had a code block, I sat on my desk for up to 18 hours trying to fix it. In the end realizing that my impatience is not helping me. It was all in vain. A tired mind did not help.

I finally came to realise that I was lacking on knowledge and a tired brain did not help. I did it the next day but learnt a huge lesson. When it's just not your day, it's not you day. A fresh mind will help next day. Relax, do anything apart from code.

Too much of code can drain you of ideas and smartness. You need to let your mind breathe. Life away from the PC is important too.

devRant community!! My little brother brought me my rubber duck!! (it's not reeaaally a duck.. it's more like a watermelon, and it's name is "senor Sandia"!)
I've lost it a couple of months ago.. but NOW I CAN BECOME AN AWSOME CODER AGAIN!! (or just keep trying.. xD)
sorry, but I had to share it with you!

How many times will you say hi to me when we're passing on the stairs for nth time? How many 👋 will you send me in one day at almost regular intervals? I'm not a fucking rest api. You don't have to generate a fucking oauth token every time you pass me some information. I have a fucking state and it's getting distracted by too much human interaction

Client: it's not a feature it's a bug
Me: comparing with the old system and proofing that it is currently definitely working like it did in the old system
Client: I didn't instruct you to check the old system

Wtf?

People: "Well we could put this data in the address book.....?"

Me: "Wait, what does that data have to do with the address book? Does a given address need that data / is it specific to that address?"

People: "No it's not related to addresses ... we just thought we could put it there."

Me: ....

Me: "So if you use that address you always want that specific data you want stored in the address book?"

People: "Oh no it's not tied to addresses."

Me: ....

Me: "So help me out here, when do you use a given piece of data? In the example here, what made you add that information?"

-Silence-

People: "Um, I'm not sure."

Me: "I think it would be a good idea if we found out. That might provide us some important guidance here."

Here's an advice to you guys:

Ever look at your mailbox and think it's so full of junk?

Archive all your current emails.

Then next time you get any spam emails take the time to unsubscribe or block the sender.

Trust me, life is so much better after you've got rid of those craps. And it's not that hard like it seems. In a week you'll probably get rid if 90% of those.

#wk13
Client: Let's get our car online using the phone as the router!
Me: let's do that!
Client: Can we use NFC as the protocol?
Me: Probably, but just to automate the connection..
Client: No we should use NFC for the entire session!
Me: No!
Client: Why not? It's new, it's happening, bosses will be excited!
Me: You do know what the N in NFC stands for right!
Client: New?
Me: -_- thinking "I hope you lose your genitals to a horrible case of blue waffles.."

God I wish it was legal to kill people... Taxi driver stopped outside the building.. on the street, not even parked, bur there are many empty spaces that he is also blocking - which would be another issue with these assholes during the day time..parking in the street, going to get some coffee, not the takeaway.. they sit on their fat asses and watch you struggle to park a car cuz it's a narrow street..

And now he's blasting music at full volume.. It's fucking 4 am!! 04:04!! Friggin birds aren't even up yet!!
Fuck you!! One day that it's not extremely hot here and I could actually sleep..and now I can't cuz this asshole woke me up with music.
Just die you sad excuse of a human being!!

An old client came back to me stating that I didn't fix the last change he requested a month ago. I went in old emails, found out what he needed, tried the website, it was doing exactly what he wanted.

I wrote to him with confusion asking what was he wanted me to fix.

"It's not working"
"It is"
"No, it's not. Can't you see?"

I attached old email conversations and sent him to see for himself.

"I am not talking about that." I want it to work like this, like that, blah blah blah.

-------------

Fucking asshole. Tell me you wanted new feature in the website.