My "Coding Standards" for my dev team

1.) Every developer thinks or have thought their shit don't stink. If you think you have the best code, submit it to your peers for review. The results may surprise you.

2.) It doesn't matter if you've been working here for a day or ten years. Everyone's input is valuable. I don't care if you're the best damn programmer. If you ever pull rank or seniority on someone who is trying to help, even if it isn't necessarily valid or helpful, please have your resume ready to work elsewhere.

3.) Every language is great and every language sucks in their own ways. We don't have time for a measuring contest. The only time a language debate should arise is for the goal of finding the right one for the project at hand.

4.) Comment your code. We don't have time to investigate what the structure and purpose of your code is when we need to extend upon it.

5.) If you use someone else's work, give them the credit in your comments. Plagiarism will not be tolerated.

6.) If you use flash, you will be taken out back and shot. If you survive, you will be shot again.

7.) If you load jQuery for the sole purpose of writing a simple function, #6 applies.

8.) Unless it is an actual picture, there is little to no reason for not utilizing CSS. That's what it's there for.

9.) We don't support any version of Internet Explorer and Edge other than the latest versions, and only layout/alignment fixes will be bothered with.

10.) If you are struggling with a task, reach out. While you should be able to work independently, it doesn't make sense to waste your time and everyone else's to not seek assistance when needed.

11.) I'm serious about #6 and #7. Don't do it.

Oh my god... Storytime.

A customer comes in with I assume is his father or grandfather.

Customer: I need a computer, but without all the internals

Me: So a case?

Customer: Yes, I need a Dell computer outsides, but without the internal components.

Me: Well, we don't have Dell cases, but we sell custom build cases and they come with a power supply.

Customer: *says nothing, but looks interested*

Me: *walks over to the cases to show him* So this is what the cases look like and we have two types, one for a ATX and one for a micro-ATX.

Customer: *still says nothing, but looks at them*

Me: What motherboard do you have at the moment?

Customer: Well, I don't have anything right now, but I'm replacing another computer that didn't work very well. I'm going to be getting some Dell parts to put in here.

Me: O-okay. So this other computer, I'd like to see it in shop to see what's going on with it.

Customer: Oh, you do NOT want to do that. I hooked it up to another computer and it blew it up.

Me: Huh, that's weird. I'd still like to look at it if possible.

Customer: Oh no, it's all wired wrong and... *some bullshit, but stay with me*

Customer: I am the best at technology. My hand has computer parts in it--government funded. *some more bullshit*

Me: Okay... *I try to bring it back around* Well, I'd still like to see the other computer for myself. So you don't have parts for this new build yet, right? You don't know what type of motherboard you have?

Customer: No.

Me: Well, I would get the internals first, so you know what size of case to get, and then get the case.

Customer: Okay. Thank you for your time.

He shook my hand with his "cyborg" hand and I was tempted to say something about "try not to crush my hand," but elected not to. Also during this entire exchange, the old man continuously farted in the background.

classmate: Hey, "friend" told me you do freelance website development. right? I need to create a new website and need your help.

Me: umm... OK... what's it about?

Classmate: It's for my dad's friend's business.

Me: OK. but I will charge the standard rate.

classmate: No... I will make it myself. I just want your help.

Me(Internally): ...not again...

Me: Do it yourself then.

Classmate: It will be quick. an hour or two max.

Me: *speechless*

Classmate: And one of my uncle who did IT told me that c++ is faster. can we use that instead of HTML?

Me: huh...?

classmate: you don't know shit.

... classmate walks away...

This guy somehow manages to get As in exams (mostly cheating. and our papers are shitty theory papers which you can mug up. so that helps) and in a year will have an IT degree.

Biggest hurdle: torn between having boobs and missing an arm. I swear some people are under the assumption the brain is in the arm.

I am fully capable of building your network, resolving your outage due to your faulty code, can even tell you how many users your database can support at once. I don't need arms for that. Nor do my boobs distract me that badly.

"but men are going to make your life so hard" yup. And that's true no matter where i go

"all that typing with one arm can't be good for your back" welp. Find me a job that doesn't require a computer. Or manual labor. If you think typing will fuck me up, that's DEFINITELY out of the equation

"you're too pretty, there's no way this can make sense" dafuq you just say?!?!

"why don't you just stay home on disability, I'm sure you qualify, you wouldn't need to work" I'd rather be a fucking trophy wife if I'm staying at home. Fuck that.

And many more.

Sometimes they're fun. Give me more dumb arguments to counter? ;)

We were talking about harddrives at work when someone was wondering if filling them with helium would make them spin faster... Then imagination took over!

"But helium balloons float, right... So would helium filled hard drives float..? Probably not due to weight but imagine dropping a hard drive and seeing it float towards the ceiling.."

"John, the delivery guy has a box with new harddrives downstairs, could you go get them?
*shouts* John did you get them? Just don't open the box outside!! No, no, NOOO DON'T OPEN IT OUTSIDE! JOHN, THE HARDDRIVES, BE CAREFUL, DON'T OPEN THE BOX OUTSI.....
*harddrives floating by the window into the air*
NOO, JOHN, WHAT DID YOU DO?!

"*walks into the office, harddrives floating against the ceiling* goddammit John, not again"

"John, why are you putting one kilometer long cables on those harddrives?
*John let's them float into the air towards the clouds*
We offer cloud storage!"

(We have a usual office building ceiling)
"John, I need a 1tb harddrive, where are those?
Uhm... C12!

*takes a ladder and walks towards c12 to pluck one from the ceiling*"

😆

To all developers who think "I don't need to delete that one 1KB temp file"

FUCK.YOU.

You are not the only garbage developer who does not clean his shit up. The reason we need TERA FUCKING BYTE storage devices nowadays is because you incompetent shit heads have no idea how an application has to properly work. A temp file is not there to exist for ever. HENCE THE FUCKING WORD TEMPORARY

Ex-Boss (62years old)- why do you wear a watch? Take it off.

Me (bewildered) - why? What happened?

Him - see I don't wear a watch also.
Come on, take it off.

Me - *took off my watch* now what?

Him - see. Now you can also look at the time using your mobile, like me. No need of watch. U should be modern.

Me- *WTF. Are u high or something, u fucking insane asshole? *
He was one weird piece of shit.

//Long rant

[Boss man]: Hey, we need you to build us a web app.

[Me]: Okay, what do you need it to do?

[Boss man]: We need staff to be able to login from anywhere, create new appointments, check room availability, display live times for the rooms, schedule future appointments, record all the data as stats and export the stats to (email address).

[Me]: Okay, sounds useful, anything else?

[Boss man]: we also need it to send all relevant data to a calendar where certain staff will be notified by email of events.

[Me]: Okay... I'll get right on starting this.

[Boss man]: So you can have it done by the end of the day? (4 hours from this time)

[Me]: *Internal screaming* *WHAT THE FUCK* Uhm, no, I don't think that is possible to complete in a four hour period by myself.

[Boss man]: Okay, well by tomorrow then, I'm leaving for the day though, have a good one.

[Me]....

//End long rant

Shopping for fridge with sister in law.

"Yeah that one is nice but it doesn't have an app"

"Why do you need an app for your fridge"

"I don't know, but this other fridge has an app, so I think if it doesn't have an app it's not that good"

"But it's very energy-efficient, silent and spacious. The one with the app is the same size, has a worse energy rating, is noisier and is more expensive as well"

"Yeah I know but if there's no extra features that's kind of boring"

"You are everything that's wrong with modern consumers"

Holy fucking hell!
Who the fuck sets up a local network with an 255.255.0.0 subnet mask and then lets the dhcp-server distribute clients onto the 192.249.x.x., 192.2.x.x and the 192.22.x.x networks AT FUCKING RANDOM???
I need to SSH onto 40 routers distributed across the entire campus and have a WORKING internet connection while doing so and you make me spin the connect-disconnect-wheel. Fucking hell dude, don't give me that "Uh, it wasn't intended for this size"-bullshit. You have about 200 active devices. And in one subnet you have space for more than 60 000. Fuck you, dumbass! OH, YOUR FUCKING LIST IS FUCKING WRONG AND YOU DON'T REMEMBER THE IP OF THE ROUTERS? OH FUCK YOU EVEN HARDER!!!
Goddamn people why does legacy maintenance always suck so much?😭😭😭

Jesus fucking christ, entering w3schools.com (don't ask) and I immediately get a cookie consent thing shoved in my face.

WHY?! Please don't tell me it's so I can get the 'best experience' because that's straight out bullshit. I don't need cookies and you fucking name it to get 'the best fucking experience' while looking up again how that one PHP or HTML or CSS or WHAT-THE-FUCK-EVER thing worked.

E-v-e-r-y GODDAMN site has this nowadays, to 'improve my experience' - I block ads anyways so what's the motherfucking point?!

Mother of FUCKING god.

alskdjaioethsdjlkjrfoikmedr

Fuck you, devs who quote Knuth:

"Premature optimization is the root of all evil"

I agree with the spirit of the quote. I agree that long-winded arguments comparing microsecond differences in performance between looping or matching constructs in a language syntax is almost always nonsense. Slightly slower code can even be preferable if it's significantly clearer, safer and easier to maintain.

But, two fucking points need to be made to you lazy quickfix hipsters trying to sell your undercooked spaghetti code as "al dente", just fucking admit that you had no clue what you were doing.

So here we go:

1. If you write neat correct code in one go, you don't need to spend time to optimize it. Takes time to learn the right patterns, but will save you time during the rest of your career.

2. If you quote Knuth, at least provide the context: "We should forget about small efficiencies, say about 97% of the time [...] Yet we should not pass up our opportunities in that critical 3%"

YES THAT CRITICAL 3% IS WHERE YOU MESSED UP.

I'll forgive you for disgorging your codevomit into this silly PR.

BUT YOU'RE QUOTING KNUTH IN YOUR DEFENSE?

Premature optimization is the root of all evil... 6300 SQL queries to show a little aggregate graph on the dashboard... HE WOULD FUCKING SLAP YOUR KEYBOARD IN HALF IN YOUR FACE.

We build a backup infrastructure at work to make sure that clients can restore their files and databases themselves when something gets fucked up.

We also have step by step tutorial on how to do this.

Every fucking day we get requests to restore backups.

Mostly used reason is "I'm a technical so I won't understand it".
With all due respect, if you don't understand this and keep asking without even trying, please don't host with us.
Because, if you did as I asked and actually read through the entire article, you would.
In case you're wondering, anytime one of us asks what part they don't understand, that question is simply ignored and they pushing for us restoring it anyways continues.

Sometimes they get angry and want to talk to someone higher up or start complaining that they're paying loads of money already and that it would just take us a second anyways.

If you would read the fucking tutorial/manual instead of trying to eat out your mother's badly shaved pussy and hopefully choke on it while you're at it, you wouldn't come asking us for it.
If you genuinely don't understand this article, feel free to ask but also provide us with cocksucking feedback.

Why do you think you have the right anyways to ask us to do it for free? We maintain the backup infrastructure which definitely isn't cheap but we do it so that you, pubic sniffing weazel, can do this shit on your fucking own.

You're entitled to ask us for help but not for asking us to restore your bullshit for free every freaking time.

Tip: give your parents some condoms. Because that way they hopefully won't reproduce again, we don't need more of you in this universe.

WhatsApp, freaking WhatsApp.
How did this thing become such a standard. How? Why does everyone EXPECT you to have it. They assume that you have it installed on your phone.

'Why don't you respond to my messages? '

'Which messages? '

'The ones I sent you'

'I didn't get any messages. Wait, how did you send them to me? '

'WhatsApp'

'Ah, yeah I don't use that. Wait, where did you even get my phone number from? '

'What? You don't have WhatsApp? Freaking weirdo. '

'bye'

How did an app(lication) become such a standard and why does everyone automatically assume that you have it? And whenever I explain them why I don't use it (Facebook = bad), they just react with 'install it again' (most ridiculous answer) or 'what is wrong with you' or they just give me a confused look and walk away.

A lot of them also act like there were no alternatives (some even better than whatsapp). One of them and probably also the best one is signal. It has all the necessary features a messaging app needs and is also very secure.

Luckily a few of my friends have installed signal and I am currently trying my best at my parents. They have threatened to 'take my phone away if I don't install WhatsApp again' or 'if you don't use WhatsApp then you also don't need a phone'.

Okay finale:

Fuck whatsapp, fuck facebook, fuck ignorance

I have this one major pet peeve - getting interrupted on any messenger by "hey".

Q: Hey
A: Hey, what's up?

-minutes pass, I try to resume work-

Q: Do you have a second?
A: Sure, what's up?

-minutes pass, I try to resume work... Again-

Q: Do you know anything about #feature#?
A: Yeah, I wrote most of it, what do you need?

-minutes pass, I try to resume work... AGAIN-

(goes on same pattern, takes half an hour for a 10 second question/answer)

Like... Come on!!! Don't do this to me

I get it, I like to be cordial and friendly - but there is absolutely nothing stopping you from getting your message across without making me have to go back and forth (interrupting my work).

BOSS: i will need your resume for this new project, can you make it?
ME: sure, but don't you have one?
BOSS: yes, but i would need it changed for a new details
ME: ok...

after work...

BOSS: we have a problem, remember that resume? we need it on english, and need it right now, can you translate it at home?
ME: ok, but give me a few minutes...

sends translated resume...
BOSS: ummm, it's not translated well, you didn't translate your education...
ME: the name of the school? you can't translate that...
BOSS: this lady asked for it, so do it...
ME: ok...

sends again...
BOSS: not quite there yet, you have Ć in your last name, translate that...
ME: translate my last name?
BOSS: yeah, this lady has a spell check and saw that incorrect...
ME: .....

im going to celebrate when i leave this itterate shithole

So apparently devRant is a problem in my life. As those of you who've read any of my stuff here know I work at Victoria's Secret. So two of my friends come in just before I was ending my shift to see what the plans were for tonight. The usual - hit the club, crash at one of our houses.

Thing is, I was scrolling through devRant when they walked up. (the below is paraphrased)

Friend1: Ugh, you're still on that thing?

Friend2: Is she really? <looks over my shoulder>

Me: <eyeroll>

Friend2: I don't get it. <pokes me in the left tit> You barely post on Instagram and you don't tweet anymore. And you haven't commented on any of my posts in like days. Wtf bitch?

Disclaimer: Yes, we are those girls who talk like that and go clubbing and dress up and makeup and all that shit. Don't judge me because I don't give a fuck. Anyway...

Friend1: Seriously.

Me: Really? We're doing this? Because I haven't posted on fucking Instagram? I talk to you every day. I see you every other day. I like coding. I like tech. This place is awesome and the people are cool. If I want to see your ass or your outfit, I can just look at you. I don't need to be on Instagram 24/7.

Friend2: Jeez bitch. Need a tampon

<we all laugh>

Me: This is my thing. It doesn't mean we aren't friend and we won't chill, but my future is in development and technology. So deal hoes.

Friend1: Ugh you're such a nerd.

Friend2: <laughing>

Me: And you're both like totally vapid sluts. But I love you.

Friend2: Jelly

Friend1: Totes jelly. Girl you need some vitamin D

Me: I'm sayin'. But that doesn't mean I won't spend my free time coding.

Friend2: Ugh alright we don't give a fuck. Code or whatever. Just be ready at 11.

We all flip each other the bird and they leave. I guess if that's the level of acceptance I can get from my wonderful, gorgeous, annoying, amazing, asshole best friends, I'll take it. I am not changing my path.

FUCKING LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!
I NEED TO FUCKING WORK!

NO I DON'T CARE ABOUT POLITICS.
NO I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR RANDOM FUCKING DREAMS.
NO I DON'T CARE ABOUT COINS OR THE PRICE OF GOLD.
NO I DON'T CARE ABOUT SOME EXPENSIVE PLANE OR BOAT OR CAR YOURE NEVER GOING TO BUY.
NO I DON'T CARE ABOUT CHINA.
NO I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR DRAMA.
I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THE ARBITRARY FUCKING BULLSHIT YOU BLABBER ABOUT.

STOP. WASTING. MY. TIME.

I'M THE ONLY ONE PAYING THE BILLS
SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME DO IT!

Hey, Root? How do you test your slow query ticket, again? I didn't bother reading the giant green "Testing notes:" box on the ticket. Yeah, could you explain it while I don't bother to listen and talk over you? Thanks.

And later:
Hey Root. I'm the DBA. Could you explain exactly what you're doing in this ticket, because i can't understand it. What are these new columns? Where is the new query? What are you doing? And why? Oh, the ticket? Yeah, I didn't bother to read it. There was too much text filled with things like implementation details, query optimization findings, overall benchmarking results, the purpose of the new columns, and i just couldn't care enough to read any of that. Yeah, I also don't know how to find the query it's running now. Yep, have complete access to the console and DB and query log. Still can't figure it out.

And later:

Hey Root. We pulled your urgent fix ticket from the release. You know, the one that SysOps and Data and even execs have been demanding? The one you finished three months ago? Yep, the problem is still taking down production every week or so, but we just can't verify that your fix is good enough. Even though the changes are pretty minimal, you've said it's 8x faster, and provided benchmark findings, we just ... don't know how to get the query it's running out of the code. or how check the query logs to find it. So. we just don't know if it's good enough.

Also, we goofed up when deploying and the testing database is gone, so now we can't test it since there are no records. Nevermind that you provided snippets to remedy exactly scenario in the ticket description you wrote three months ago.

And later:

Hey Root: Why did you take so long on this ticket? It has sat for so long now that someone else filed a ticket for it, with investigation findings. You know it's bringing down production, and it's kind of urgent. Maybe you should have prioritized it more, or written up better notes. You really need to communicate better. This is why we can't trust you to get things out.

*twitchy smile*

Now there was this meeting where our boss called our team to reach at exactly 8:00 . One minute more and you will be fired.
Turns out he himself reached at 8:15 for the meet. And we were just staring him, wanting to say, "Hey boss, you don't need to come anymore. YOU ARE FIRED."

- Password can't contain less than 3 chars
- Password can't contain more than 12 chars
- Password must contain only alphabetical and numerical chars
- Password must contain at least one uppercase letter
- Password can't contain a sequence of repetitive chars
- You already used this password in the past
- Password can't contain parts of passwords already used in the past
- Password can't contain your name, birthday or any other personal information
- Password can't be an anagram
- This password is too weak

"Remember that you have to update your password every 6 months".

Who the fuck has enough imagination to invent a new password that meets all these requirements every fucking 6 months?
And if so, how the fuck you can also remember it?

Fuck off… I don't really need access to my university account, right? 😡

Bought a Microsoft surface (3 pro) from a colleague (more about how that runs later).

It had only one USB port and I definitely need more so started searching online for docks. They mostly seem to be about 100+ euro and all have hdmi ports and other shit other than USB ports as well but I don't need that.

Fuck it, let's get creative (and fuck 100 euro for something like this)!

Double sided tape (however you call that) + 2 euro USB dock:

Works like a charm!

I've been writing PHP for more then 10 years. So, one fine day while having coffee with new tech manager...

Manager: huh, you've been programmer for very long time. Can you explain how echo works?

Me: err.. Echo. Spit out string. (show some example code on my phone)

Manager: I mean, I want to know, which part in C++ code in PHP engine. (trying to impress with jargons)

Me: I don't know. But why?

Manager: As programmer, you need to know, so you can echo more efficient.

Me: ... Errr... Ok... (I've been echo-ing for more then decade. Is there a way to make echo more efficient?)

Client: why hasnt anything been done for the new site?
Me: because you never paid for the last one thats been put into production
Client: yeah but that was a smaller simple site. I need this one up and done already
Me: it'll be worked on when I get paid for my previously worked time for you.
Client: but that was a month ago. I don't understand why you are asking for payment now
Me: because you never paid me for last months work!!
Client: but its may now
Me: holy shit, -clients name-, I know very well what month it is and dont need a lesson. I also know better than to work for free. I have bills to pay just like you and everyone else so until you have paid the last invoice, I'm not lifting a finger for you. That includes answering your calls
Client: oh well why didnt you just say that to begin with

Motherfucking fuck people are horrid and dumb and make me violent

It looks like those who say "I don't use Chrome, I use Firefox" or "I use duckduckgo instead of Google" are like vegans.

No one gives a flying fuck if you're a vegan or you use Firefox.

Yes, many of us use Firefox, ddg, Altavista, Netscape and FreeBSD but there is no need to remind us at every opportunity you do so.

Do whatever you want to but we don't care and probably won't judge you.

Reviewing coworker's code:

Me: I see you're doing a convoluted sort for every element twice to get your two lists in sync... 😐
CoWorker: Yeah. *straight face, no regrets* That's the only way to do this.
Me:... Uh... No? You can just manage one list with a simple struct and then use the the standard sort.
Coworker: Yeah sure I know. But it'll take time. We don't have time.
Me: *aghast* This is embarrassingly bad code!
Coworker: Don't worry, later on I'll use a hashmap for it. But this needs to be pushed now.
Me: *to myself, no you don't need a hashmap*
Okay, you do you but I can't back you on this. It isn't going to take a lot of time to correct it.

Next day.
Coworker: Hey can you review my code again?
Me: You've made the changes already? *in a bored tone, knowing that they wouldn't have changed shit*
Coworker: No this is a different file. Our manager agrees that we can worry about performance later.
Me: Sure. *😀🔨🔨*

Few weeks pass by:
QA: The operation takes absurdly long time to complete even with the smallest data. Ten minutes for X is unacceptable.
Me: Who would've known? ☺️

One day my boss called me in to his office. "I need you to sort Bernie out".
Bernie? "Oh, you don't know about Bernie!"
Turns out Bernie was a Windows 2000 server running SQL 2000 that had all sorts of antique applications and SSIS packages running on it. Nobody was sure what it did, or if it was even still alive, but nobody was game to just switch it off.
So, after 2 months of chasing down source code, analysing it, looking for non-existent documentation, I was finally able to say.
Bernie's dead. You can bury him.

Being a programmer on a non-tech startup company is not too bad. That means aside from coding:

- You have to check if the office printer works
- You need to figure out why the phone lines aren't ringing
- You have to teach a stupid colleague on how to unzip a file
- When they give you a task, they'll say that it's "not urgent", but, they just "need it by tomorrow"
- You have to be a "mind-reader" because if something goes wrong, they don't know how to describe what's going on. Or probably, they're just too lazy being specific. They'll just say, "Hey, I have a problem.", and you will be like "What problem? Your dog is sick? You shit your pants? You lost your faith in God? Fuck what?"
- You don't have a time to "focus", because everyone interrupts you for just about anything related to "technology". Yeah, because you're the IT guy
- You always have learned and applied the latest practices/stacks, but no one gives a fuck
- You will start to re-think your life and devrants make you feel better

*In teams meeting with client*

Manager: Yes we can do all of that and it will be actioned very quickly. We will make all of these feature requests top priority. We will set aside everything we are currently working on in order to get this done!

Dev: ...Are you writing any of this down?

Manager: I don't need to, I always remember everything!

Dev: Just so you are aware, I'm not writing anything down. You're going to need to create a ticket with requirements spelled out for each one of these promises you're making otherwise they won't get actioned by the team.

Manager: I know that!

Dev: ...

*Later that day*

Ticket Title: Action client feature requests TOP PRIORITY!!!

Ticket Description: *empty*

Dev: ...

Do you have a spare usb phone cable?
I have but I'm using it to charge my phone

Do you have a spare laser pointer for my presentation?
Sorry, I don't

Do you have a spare mouse?
No :)

Sometimes things become a little weird

Do you have a spare keyboard?
No sorry. :/

Do you have a spare monitor?
:/

Do you have a spare computer?
what?

Do you have a spare mac?
>:(

Do you have two spare computers and one printer for each? Would be nice for the conference that we are going to hold tomorrow if someone need to print.
What's wrong with you people. I'm just a developer, not a fucking warehouse

One of the morons said today that we should use C because you don't need to "apply logic" in Python. Everything is automated in python. Fucking morons............

It doesn't ends here. One of the "9 pointers gang" student raised an objection. I was happy untill he said that there is no boolean datatype in C. I literally shouted "Shut up, morons. There is a whole fucking library dedicated to it." in a class of 60 students.

Don't know how I survived 3 years here. And more importantly, don't know how will I survive my next year.

P.S.: the 9 pointer guy who raised the objection, once asked me whether chrome is developed and maintained by Google?

> in da zone, headphones beating, caffeine rushing through my veins, snack-stack at 75%, code and commands flowing like campaign promises, I'm one with the keyboard... I can feel it ~(◉_◉)~

roomie: Hey J! J!
me: ಠ_ಠ I'm kinda busy, what do you want?
roomie: Dude don't forget to pick up bla bla bla
me: Okay
> Headphones back on, feeling the h4ckx0r fire resurge through my gut like a majestic phoenix (not to be confused with taco tuesday gut fire)
roomie: J...J! dude also make sure bla bla bla
me: ಠ╭╮ಠ I know, you don't need to be so specific with me.
> Headphones on...about to hit play again...
roomie: Dude do you happen to know bla bla bla

(ಥ﹏ಥ)
(ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻

FUCK! just tell me everything at once so I can go back to ignoring you and the irrelevant world around me!

I hate when people do this.

I don't get it
My brain does not have the capacity to understand it

How the fuck does my colleague manage to write 12 classes/interfaces for something so stupidly simple??

Two classes, a hand full of functions, done.

Why do you need this level of abstraction?
To mock the interfaces in unit tests? The unit tests you didn't write because "they're not necessary"?

No one will be able to understand this clusterfuck of a module even though it's entire purpose is "read number and write number elsewhere"...

I really hate how people see Bachelor of Computer Science as a meme.

I think it's because everyone who has a Computer calls himself a IT-Expert. So today on Xmas family joined for a meal, we talked about work and study and stuff...

Auntie: "So why do you need to study to Operate a Computer, my Son built one by himself without studying, you should study something solid like economics"

First I thought this was a meme, later I found out she was dead serious.

All the math, physics, scientific research, papers, software engineering just to operate a computer 😂

I'm not gonna call her names, because it's Xmas so:

father forgive them, because they don't know what the fuck they're talking about.

COMPANIES DON'T NEED FUCKING BLOCKCHAIN YOU CAN JUST MANAGE IT YOURSELF. THE WHOLE FUCKING POINT OF BLOCKCHAIN IS SO NO ONE HAS CONTROL AND IF YOU MAKE A BLOCK CHAIN THAT YOU CONTROL THEN WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT.

I got this one from my senior PM, You...go to your seat and get me a software...that would create other Softwares for me...so that I don't need to have explain every time I need something to be built...to people like you...i will use that and build for my own. I told him...Sir you can use an IDE.

It's fine if you're 'not good with computers' and need help. Ask me politely and sure I'll see how I can help and teach you what you need so that you can do it yourself in the future.

It's not fine, however, if you refuse to fucking learn after the millionth time I've taught you how to do the exact same thing because 'It's too hard' and 'I won't understand anyway'. And then proceed to call me a bad and ungrateful friend because I can't come to your rescue the very second you need me and don't seem 1000% enthusiastic to help at 1am in the morning when I'm still doing my own work.

Sure, I'm the 'tech person' amongst our friends. I *do* understand the frustration you experience when something isn't working. But that doesn't mean I'm obligated to be your 24/7 IT support, while listening to your complaints of how I was probably the one who fucked it up in the first place when I helped fixed your phone/laptop last time (for the record, this was *never* the case).

UGHHHHHHHH

ps: I just found this community and I love it already! Thought this mental rant I had earlier would fit right in lol
(Also, sorry English isn't my first language D:

This happens nearly every sprint.

TEAM: So, are you happy with how we are going to make this feature?

Business: Yeah, we really need it! It's exactly list that! Quick build! 🏗

TEAM: You're sure.... remember what happened last time...

Business: yeah, yeah, yeah

TEAM: ☕️💻

one week later....

Business: Oh yeah, that thing, we changed our mind we don't want it can you do something else?

TEAM: ...

Business: Agile!!!!!!!!!

TEAM: 🤦‍♂️

Found out they all went on a 2 day course to learn SCRUM...

Just gonna leave this here.

Don't complain if you refuse to speak up. You don't like how something is going? But you don't want to do something about it? Then shut. The. Fuck. Up.

Getting sick of these fucking coworkers who bitch and whine about everything they don't like but when given the opportunity to speak up and voice their shit they just fucking clam up.

Context: nobody was saying anything during today's retrospective but were talking shit about the project the whole sprint. Gee I wonder why NOTHING FUCKING CHANGES. I'm the only one outside of our product owner and tech lead who even speaks out on problems/issues during the sprint. This dev team I'm on is just.. urgh.

They expect me to have their back, but they don't have mine. For months I've been carrying them. Fine. Enough is enough. The next time they need help from me they'll just get the obligatory "have you googled it because I don't have an answer" response.

I hate all of these rants about JavaScript being a terrible language.

In reality, it's one of the easiest languages to work with. This makes it easier for new programmers to write messy code, but is it the language's fault?

People get mad about the things that happen when you multiply "undefined" and a string...what do you expect?

You also have the freedom to choose from a variety of tools the community has created to solve existing problems. People just don't realize that they don't *have* to learn everything, you just learn as you need them.

Don't blame JavaScript for you bad programming, terrible type conversion needs, and great tooling.

Guy I work with: Hey can I borrow you for a minute

Me: sure. What do you need?

Him: so this is a project me an the other dev worked on

Me thinking: Well I know he did it all and sent you the project so don't tell me you worked on it

Him: so we use it to do this and this and send an email to this new account I made because (2 minute explanation)

Me thinking: I don't care. Just tell me what your issue is! I already know what it is and does from what you told me the last time when you showed me. Which took an hour of my time.

Him: so he sent me this code which is called <Descriptive name> and in the method we have variables call <descriptive name> and it returns a <variable name>

Me thinking: You mother fucker! I don't give a shit what your method is named, what it the variable names are, and you don't need to read through every line of code to me! Just from the descriptive name you just said I know what it does! What the fuck is your issue!?

Him: we also have these other methods. This one is called <Descriptive name> which does...

Me: are you fucking seriously going to read me your code line by line and tell me what you named your variables AGAIN!?

Him: and we named this one <descriptive name>

Me: you mother fucker...

Him: and it calls this stored procedure. (Literally opens the stored procedure and shows me) and it is called...which has parameters called... And it is a select query that inserts

45 minutes later after he finishes explaining all 3 pages of his code and his 5 stored procedures that the other dev wrote...

Him: So anyway, back to this method. I need to know where to put this method. The other dev said to put it in this file, but where do you think I should put it in here? Should I place it after this last one or before it?

Me thinking: You fucking wasted my fucking time just to ask where to place your mother fucking method that the other dev sent to you in a project with only 3 files, all less than 500 lines of code with comments and regions that actually tell you what you should put there and 5 small stored procedures that were not even relevant to your issue! Why the fuck did you need to treat me as a rubber ducky which would fly away if you did have one because you didn't have an issue, you just didn't know where to put your fucking code! FUCK YOUR METHOD!

Me: Where ever you want

Him: Well I think it won't work if I placed it before this method.

I walked away after that. What a waste of time and an insult to my skills and really unchallenging. He's been coding for years and still can't understand anything code related. I'm tired if helping him. Every time he needs something he always has to read through and explain his shit just to ask me things like this. One time he asked me what to name his variable and another his project. More recently he asked why he couldn't get his project he found online to work. The error clearly stated he needed to use c# 7. His initial solution was to change his sql connection string. 😑

He should just go back to setting up computers and fixing printers. At least then he would never be in the office to bug me or the other dev with things like this.

I used to work in a call center for a local hospital.

One night, all of our lines are swamped. Literally no time for a break between phone calls, +15 minute wait times. I answer the next call:

Me: "Its a marvelous Monday at AskIT, how may I help you?"

Doctor: "This is Dr. [Noone Care]. I need you to fix my password now."

Me: "Absolutely! You should be able to enter a new password now."

Doctor: "MY HANDS ARE NOT FOR PASSWORDS, MY HANDS ARE FOR SURGERY!"

😩 So glad I don't work for doctors anymore. Oh and the best part is, he had selected the general phone queue, rather than the doctor queue (~3 minute wait time instead).

Boss: agrees to unreasonable deadlines.
Team: misses deadlines because they're unreasonable.
Boss: "you just don't understand how important the deadline is"

He legit thinks the only reason we fall behind, is because we dont care. Not because we're doing stuff that hasn't been done before, and need to tech ourselves everything as we go.

Also, he's not a programmer, he's a salesman... and he runs the company like one too.

Anyone looking to hire a VR/AR developer?

It's not motivation that you need, it's dedication.

You see, motivation is temporary thing, that sudden flow of dopamine running through your body that you get after some success or after being admired by someone or simply after good sleep and nice morning shower.

But the problem with motivation is that it's just temporary thing. After a while (hours, days, if you're lucky weeks) it just wears off and you're left pretty much where you started.

But there's one thing that remains and that's persistent. It's called DEDICATION. If you dedicate yourself to something, you are willing to do it no matter what it takes from you. Even if it frustrates you along the way or makes you angry, you wanna be able to say "It's finished. I'm satisfied with it" after you finish it. You are willing to crawl to the finishing line but no matter the obstacle, just knowing that you're getting closer to the finishing line is gonna motivate you. Your dedication is gonna become motivation generator. And that's the key. You need the passion and dedicate yourself to it.

But hey, sound simple but we all know the struggle. Sometimes it's even hard to recognize dedication from motivation. And sometimes you just go "Ok. Fuck it. I'm done" and leave it and that's okay AS LONG AS you get back to it after a while. As long as the inner you, the dedicated you that got you here in the first place, goes "Dude, it's tough. But it's alright, we refreshed a bit and now we're gonna fucking make it" (nope, I don't have schizophrenia) and you listen and get back at it.

Dedication is tough. It's about self control and understanding yourself deeply and balancing your mind. It's nirvana of success. It's the ultimate balance. But you can get there. If you want. Badly.

TL;DR You need dedication, not motivation. Punish yourself and reward yourself. Not too harsh and not too much. Just so that you don't lose track.

But most of all, GOOD LUCK YOU AMAZING FUCKS!

Christmas-rant:

So I'm having a nice dinner with my in-laws when one of them turns to me: "So, what I want is a website with a link on it to another website, you can do this right?". Seems overly complicated to achieve this result, I know, but she had a fair reason for it. So, I start walking her through what she would need for it. "First thing, let's buy a domain name." "I have to buy these??! I don't believe you, I know people that did not pay for this!" "Well, that's technically impossible except for certain subdomains", I respond politely. "No, I don't believe you!"

So far my happy helping christmas mood.

Merry christmas y'all!

$work: Ey @Root, make this super simple thing.
$work: No, not like that.
$work: It also needs to do A, B, and C.
$work: No, not there. You should build it somewhere else, but I won't tell you where.
$work: You need to build out F and G, too.
$work: What do you mean you don't have the data? Just ask support drone #3. (who directs me to #2, and that one to #8 who doesn't know, and that one to #12 who won't answer)
$work: Why can't I do K, Y, or S? You should be able to infer these from the mind of whoever wrote the ticket by its wording, despite no mention of them whatsoever.
$work: Are you done yet? It's a super simple ask!

Gotta love well meaning juniors with completely misplaced intentions.

Nathan: "Hey, do you want a quick 5 minute demo of the code we've changed to move to library version x?"

Almond: "Sure (I wasn't that fussed about moving to library x, but he seemed determined and there's some nice to haves with bumping the version, so we approved it.)"

Nathan: "Cool, so we have this built here, and..."

Almond: "...wait, that's not our CI system!"

Nathan: "Yeah, so I moved to a new CI system too because we couldn't get that working in the old one"

Almond: "...right, we'll need to discuss that, because..."

Nathan: "Sure, we also moved the templating engine as well as there were more examples using this one with library x"

Almond: "...yeah, so I don't think we're looking to switch the templating engine because..."

Nathan: "...and you guys also need to change a bunch of your code as it's all broken since we put the new version in, most of the tests fail..."

Great... so we've got a branch that breaks a bunch of code, switches the templating engine to one we don't want to use, and switches the CI to the one the company is trying to actively migrate away from...

Almond: "We're going to need longer than 5 minutes. I'll put something in the calendar."

🤦‍♂️😬😠

"Can you do this?"
Sure, give me the information I need...

"We don't have all of it yet"
So I can't do it then

"Well when can you do it"
When you get the information

"Do you need *all* of it"
Well, it's either I do half a job and waste my time, or get it all done in one shot

"The client wants it tomorrow"
When will we have the information?
"We don't know"
Well they aren't having it tomorrow then, are they...

Sales people... don't care *how* things work, as long as they get a tick against their name to show they've sold something...

Best part of working from home? Oh boy, here I go

1. NO COMMUTE !! Fuck public transport. I can just grab my laptop straight to my bed, get comfortable and work in whatever posture I wish to.

2. Relaxation and peace of mind. The local park, library, football ground. I can go anywhere to get work done. All I need is my phone and laptop.

3. Better food - I can cook my own food. Dieting actually works by eating home-made food and not the fried bullshit we eat outside.

4. No office politics - Remote working means you don't have to think about being a circle and getting liked or not. Get your work done and that's it.

5. No "Extra" Activities - We all know HRs are just bored af people making employees have "fun" activities just to push a "culture" agenda on LinkedIn. Umm no thanks.

6. No toxicity - Well, this one is a doozie, you don't get workplace toxicity but you do get home toxicity. People assuming that you stay in ur room all day and do nothing. I'd still take home toxicity though.

7. If there is no work, I don't have to pretend that I am working and hiding my screen from my boss. I can just play video games in that time.

8. Option to start a side-hustle. You have more chances to retain some energy after your shift to start investing/putting time into something that can make you extra cash.

9. Worldwide opportunities - Because of WFH, I work with clients from Netherlands, Estonia, London and Cayman Islands. It never would have happened if I was in an office job.

10. Only work, no extra bullshit - be it smoke breaks, casual tea, conferences, work summits etc. None of that and I don't want it.

11. Your errands get done - Need to go to the dentist at 10 am? You can do that. Need to pick up your kid at 3 pm? You can do that. You need 5 pm time dedicated to go the gym? You can do that.

In conclusion, I absolutely vouch for WFH and would never take WFO for as long as possible.

WFH FTW !!!

FUCKING FUCK JAVASCRIPT AND IT'S FUCKING 10000 DEVDEPENDENCIES.

LET ME FUCKING CODE AND WRITE TESTS AND NOT SPEND FUCKING ONE FUCKITY FUCK WEEK TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO FUCKING MAKE MOCHA AND KARMA PLAY WITH FUCKING ES6 CODE YOU FUCKING FUCKTARD PIECE OF SHIT TECH.

I NO LONGER FUCKING KNOW WHICH PACKAGES I FUCKING NEED AND WHICH I FUCKING DON'T FUCKING DUMBFUCK FUCKWIT OPEN AND HACKABLE MY BROWN ASS PIECE OF TECHNOLOGY STACK.

Client: hey ***, happy birthday can you help me fixing....
Me thinking: hell no, i deal with yall fuckers 364 days a fucking year and yall can't leave me the hell alone for one cocksucking day. I need this one damn day a year not dealing with yall assholes where i don't snap and drive 300 fucking miles to not drive a nail in a broomstick and drive it up your fucking asdls

When the client says "I just need a really easy edit, shouldn't take more than a few minutes."

*in my head* "Oh really? Can you do it? No? Then don't tell me how easy it is going to be to find the one line of code I need to edit out of thousands of lines in hundreds of files."

It was friday evening and almost everyone in office had left. I was assigned a bug related to some of my code changes. I called my senior to help me debug (has three years of experience, whereas me having only one year exp, who is also a very good friend of mine *always helps in debugging*).
So the code goes

switch (someEnum) {
case One:
doSomething()
// no break
case Two:
t.x = someEnum
break
case Three:
.....
}

I had recently added new enun One and was reciting the code logic to him as we were looking through code.
Him: Hey you haven't set t.x in case One. How did you miss that?
Me: No look, I haven't but a break on it. It will go ahead and set it in next case.
Him: What are you talking about? if the someEnun is One why would it execute Two case. Lets copy that line up there and try it locally.
Me: No no no wait. Are you saying that groovy doesn't need breaks in switch (Me being new to groovy but good with Java).
Him: Why would you need break in switch case even in Java?
Me: *stares at him*
Him: I'm going to execute a psvm right freaking now.
Me: *while he writes the psvm* Why did you think there were breaks in switch in any code?
Him: Shut up. *writes psvm code cursing me everywhere*
*executes code*
No way. Really??
Me: Tell me why do you think are there breaks in switch.
Him: I though they were to get you out of switch block and not execute the default block.
Me: So were you coding switch until now without breaks?
Him: I don't know man. I'm starting to doubt all the switches I have ever written.
Me: Anyway that's not the problem, so moving on.
*a while later*
Him: If a interviewer would ask me how would you rate yourself in Java. I would be like "Well I worked on various projects for 3 years in Java, but didnt know why we put breaks in switch. So you figure it out yourself."

One of the best moments in office.

Me: Hey Guys we've been working on this application(project 1) for 4 months and i think we're almost done.

Owner of Company(Not My Boss): CooCook4Choo we moving you to project 2, forget about the previous one.

2 months go by, project is completed.

Boss: I've got another project for you
Me: Awesome!

1 month later...

PM: We're moving you back to project 1
Me: Why?
PM: Our senior dev resigned, we only have junior Devs and we need a lot of help before deployment next month.
Me: Why am i moving back to a project i was taken off of
PM: Where an agile company and you will be moved off many projects
Me: **Fuuuuuuuuuuck!!!* Ok i'll need documentation of everything that happened in the past three months, the current issue, what the current sprint revolves around and A demo of what has been added.
PM: Relax, I've got a lot of work myself, you will get them soon.

2 days later, still don't have what i need, PM is on vacation.

Me: Guess i don't have any work to do.

Had to setup 7 HP laptops today for a small hackathon.
Install windows 10...
just shout in the room and hope all cortanas hear the same answer.
done after a couple minutes.
Windows 10 rules.

...

This story could be over but no, have a plot twist.
All pcs connected to our wifi network as we tried to install Chrome ( cause edge sucks), realized it takes hours to install.
someone drawing internet over here?!
our network wasn't that bad usually.
opens windows store on one laptop by accident.
42 downloads running.
Yep on all of them.
what were they downloading?
candy crush... bubble witch saga...mcaffee.
spent about 4h uninstalling bloatware and teaching windows not to reinstall it over and over again...

Microsoft sucks...

and I didn't even mention the "tell us why you think you don't need McAfee premium protection pl0x" and "you really sure you don't want to try edge as default browser? is really fast and stuff" dialog fields...

1 - Please hack his/her facebook account for me.

2 - (at home) I used to block wifi access by mac filtering and if there's legit server down and wifi isn't working, everyone blames me.

(I am freelancer and mostly work from home)

3 - almost all of my relatives think I don't work.

4 - I am first choice for everyone's phone, PC and hardware repair.

This one is classic

GET A REAL JOB, you need to go out in the field for work.

cw: I need a server to put my node backend

me: sure, I'll run a docker container for you

cw: nice, I've never worked with docker but I learn quickly, I'm already reading the Docker file docs

me: no wait, you don't need to learn anything, you'll be inside the container, so you only need an ssh connection and that's it

cw: this Dockerfile stuff is really complicated, it'll take me a while, but it's ok you don't have to worry, I like learning new things

me: you won't need that, just imagine it's a cloud server with Ubuntu installed, you only have to use it, I'll put node, git and ssh there for you

cw: ok got it, I'll have to learn the commands to run the docker, I'm on windows but I can use PowerShell and stuff I'll figure it out

me: ...

cw: ssh is a linux command right? does it have a push or publish option? how do you upload files there

me: ...you can use a ftp client but you'll need ssh to run the node server

cw: ok, I'm almost done with the Dockerfile, I only need to add git and nodejs, I'm starting to understand this thing...

me thinking: yeah keep doing that, you're such a crack, such a quick learner...

This son of a bitch is either a retard or is doing it on purpose and laughing at me the whole time, making my life so miserable, but I'm about to go insane with this dude, I'm proud of how I've been able to control myself, BUT ONE OF THESE DAYS I'LL LOSE MY COOL AND FORCE THIS MOTHERFUCKER TO DRINK A BIG POT OF BOILING, SALTY AND STINKING VOMIT WITH A SIDE OF STEAMING DIARRHEAL GREEN DOG SHIT WITH WHITE CHOCOLATE CHIPS WHILE I PUT MY OLD CRT MONITOR TO GOOD USE BY BEATING HIS FUCKING HEAD WITH IT!!!

Old boss story. This guy was nice but a terrible boss. Also relevant, he has a background in IT so should know better.

Him: So when you wanna check a password is correct you just unhash it in the database?
Me: *facepalm*

Me: Hey we should be doing unit and integration testing at a minimum to lower bugs.
Him: We don't need those, we're not a bank. If a problem comes up we just fix it and push to production.
(A while later)
Him(in email): Why do we keep getting bugs reported. Don't you devs test your code.

I was mildly annoyed at that one.

Him: We're always over budget on projects, how can we fix this.
Me: What if we increase our quotes.(technically there are other ways as well but not really possible at that time)
Him: We can't do that, clients won't want to pay.

Me: *finishing off my handover as I'm leaving for a new job*
Him: Wow you do a lot of work

Tl;dr

Longest Rant I've written so far.

How to manage a school (by out school director):

Did this student do something spezial to emphasize the school?
-No: Ignore him
-Yes: Did the student achieve this with the help of this schools staff?
-No: Take all the credit
-Yes: Hahaha, just a joke, nobody receives help from the school. Goto -No

Q: Should this class get the 5 day trip, they've been waiting for the whole year?
Director: No.
Q: But they don't even participate in other trips just to go there.
D: No
(Good thing she did not have the last word there)

Does the school director need this one week trip to india, just to talk once about stuff, you can talk about via email, to a sponsor?
D: "Of course I deserve it"

D: "We need faster internet in this school"
Network admins: "But it won't be of any use, if the network can't handle it. We'll need better pcs (and network conponents) on top of that"
D: "No, bot enough money available for that one." *browses email with IPad paid by school money*

Teacher: "I want to realize project xy with the students. We'll need around 1200€ (for 20 people)."
D: "Can place xy at our school to as advertise?"
T: "No, but it's be a valuable le-"
D: "600 at most."
(Again denied by people who aren't fcking assholes. We got 1500€, so 300€ per group)

D: So what makes you think you can teach informatics in this school"
Applicant: "Well, I'm friends with one of your teacher here. We went to university together, where I learn't nothing about informatics and I don't even understand the principles of this subject"
D: "Close enough. Hired, you can teach them all the theory stuffy. You don't have to prepare that yourself another teacher has done so. Just read it from his documents."

*In class with the mentioned teacher talking about Threads*
*Le wild code appears*
while (doStuff())
System.out.println ("Thread working...");
System.out.println ("Thread terminated");
T: "... and most importantly, when you have done all the work be sure to terminate the thread with 'System.out.println ("Thread terminated");'"

Should this teacher be allowed to participate in this seminar about burnouts?
D: "No, I can't afford paying the supplenze."

Staff: "We need to talk with the director about this."
S: "Not in her office. The cafeteria maybe"
*Not in the cafeteria either*
S: "Seems like she didn't come to achool today. Let's try tomorrow"
(^ Stuff that happens almost daily. Screw semicolons. I see her only once a month at most)

*Student send 5000 emails by accident* (Shit happens 😂😅😂😅)
D: "You gonna work here for a full afternoon"
*Student arrives for his punishment*
Staff: "Good that you're here. Do this real quick."
*10 min. Later*
Student: "Done"
Staff: "Well, we have no more work to give you, so you might as well leave"

DONE!!! Good job coming so far.

Our school is supposed to be the best, but internally it's one big meme.

last semester i was working as assistant professor teaching Basic OOP Subject. and my girl happens to be enlisted as my student. One day she was late for my class and get in without a permission. so i ask her
Me : Why don't you knock the door?
Her : Why should i ?
Me : did i give you my permission ?
Her : Public class doesn't need permission. our class is not Private.

oh my god i'm so in love with her

Boss: Client wants those stockphotos for the frontpage.

Me: ok. Please license them and let me know. I will upload them to the page.

Boss: How does that work then?

Me: you have to buy the five credit package. Here is the link...

Boss: (no response)

...few days later...

Boss: please remember to upload those images...

Me: well ok. Did you buy them?

Boss: isn't that your thing?

Me: I don't understand. You had all the info. You new where to buy them. You knew what images to buy since the client sent the preview versions. What do you need? ...and why didn't you tell me that you were waiting for my input? I was the last one to reply to this conversation.

Boss: i don't want to buy the wrong images.

Me: just buy the ones the client chose.

Boss: I don't want to look up the email he sent them in.

Me: I don't understand. I directly replied to that mail. It is in the same conversation.

Boss: ok.

...day later...

Boss sends me mail with images attached.

Boss: are those the right images?

Me: well yes. Those are the ones the client sent. I don't have more information than you.

(Me looking at the attachments and finding them in the smallest resolution available.)

Me: why did you download the images in the smallest resolution? It does not make any difference in price.

Boss: well I thought they were not needed in a bigger size.

Me: why do you make my options intentionally smaller? I am the guy doing frontend.
..please give me the login info for the stock account so I can download the images in a better resolution.

One of the biggest reality checks you will run into when starting your first dev related job - and which they don't teach you about in school - is that a lot of the time will be spent working with other people's code, and rewriting it into "your own" is rarely an option.

You might be super into making things, but not everyone manages to maintain that same spark while taking over a 15 year old project with fundamental issues that have to be triaged "for now" because you need a hotfix on this other specific thing out in prod before lunch.

There are no gods now. They left the company years ago and nobody knows why they used the windows registry as a user repo.

When the last battery of one of your phones die. And you don't want waste more money with a new one.
But you need to perform a backup.

I need some advice: How could you stop laughing at a meeting? Help!

Yesterday, in a meeting with the development team, my boss accidentally wrote "Puto System" on the board (of course, I cannot post the real name of the project). For those who don't speak spanish, "Puto" means "asshole".

Oh, I laughed so fucking hard XD Well, we continued with the meeting, but I couldn't stop laughing, and then, I was going to ask a question about one of my tasks, and accidentally said "hard" instead of "boubt" (in spanish "dura" instead of "duda") and all of us laughed again.

At the time I'm writing this post I can't remember that without laughing, help! I need to get serious :'v

I hate when someone throws at me some task all of sudden with a tight deadline.

Wednesday was one of those days.

manager: we want to remove all the offices because of our tight budget this year (multimillionaire company, lol), everyone will use office 365;

me: ahn... ok, but everything was already tested? Some macros, routines, old documents can be a big problem, as far I know (I don't use M$ at home, servers are Linux, so I really don't know about that). I can do some tests, only will need some real documents to make sure everything will do fine;

manager: yeah, yeah, everything will be fine, the high management already decided, don't worry, just remove the offices in the company, ok?;

me: alright...

*me deploys the remotion script in every f*cking machine*

48 hours later...

manager: well... everyone is complaining about the office 365, random complains, can you attend all the calls and reinstall if you can't solve the problem?

WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!

[RAGES INTERNALLY]

This is what f*ckin' grinds my gears to the max...

Today a family member asked me to help them with online banking so I agreed because they are really not computer literate.

I don't use the bank they use so the whole online banking website interface was new to me and I had to figure out where some things were.

The family member that I was helping was getting really annoyed because it was taking long (by the way it took me less than 15 min to finish helping them).

As I was assisting them the f*ckin' idiot had the nerve to tell me, and I quote, "I thought you were good in IT. You can't even assist me with online banking".

Honestly, WTF?!?!?! 😡😡
How does one even respond to such...

Anyways... This is just one simple example regardless of what field you are in IT, you NEED to be good with whatever tech gets thrown at you.

So irritating....😡😣

Once I've worked in a start-up located in an engineering university "incubator", so we had a lot of engineer-to-be students applying for part-time jobs.
One of these kids was hired by my boss who labeled him "highly technical, very skilled in IT".

One day, while very busy with my own upcoming release, I had to help him finding a bug in his (horrible) code.

Me: Oh, that's easy, you need to load the image from the parent directory
Guy: ...
Me: You know how to do this, right? You're 1 exam away from being a computer engineer
Guy: ...
Me: Ok, ok, don't worry. Just type "../" right before the path

The guy starts typing, literally, "dotdotslash" into the path.

I immediately stopped him, almost crying. Then, I asked him to go for a walk.
"Don't mind about your bug, I'll take care"

This one crazy:
We made an app for our client to scan some parcels via barcode.

They just created a ticket, for complaining that it's hard to scan in the storage room, because it's so dark. They are like sometimes we need to use a torge to scan. Can you increase the contrast of the app or something to scan better in darker place.

Did not know what to answer, but my thoughts were like: why the fuck you don't put enough light in that room?! 🤔🤷🏽‍♂️

I seriously can't get why people don't get user experience right my designer just put in two search bars, one in the at the top of the home page and one I the header .... why do you need both 😒

COMMON SENSE PLEASE

A recipe for COMPLETELY hacking me off - ask for help, pretend my advice is bollocks, then rephrase it as your own and follow it up with a smart arse comment.

"Almond, could you lend me a hand with this regex? I'm trying to match this particular group, but only if it doesn't have 'foo' after it."

"Sure, take a look at negative lookaheads - that sounds like it's exactly what you need"

"Nah that won't work for me, because I need to check for more than one character after it, I need to check for 'foo'"

"What? That doesn't make sense, you can..."

"Ah don't worry, I've found the answer by myself now, I can actually just add '?!' before the text I don't want to match and it'll do it - I'm fast becoming a regex expert here! Let me know if you want me to explain this to you"

DAHHHHHHH THAT IS A NEGATIVE LOOKAHEAD YOU CRETIN

!rant

Trust no one.
The internet is not your friend, until you find stackoverflow and you get down voted.
That rm -rf / won't make you server faster.
System32 is needed.
Yes, that is a package manager, you don't need to write more ccode
Do not write commets on languages that only you speak, the team does not speak in latin.
Paint is the best engineering tool.
Keep a stress ball nearby.
Your client is always right, unless they mess with your coding skills.

True story.

@Apple iPadOS an iOS teams: you puZies.

You release one buggy iOS / iPadOS after another, each piling on features and bugs, without fixing crowd documented long standing defects.

But what really pisses me off is when you don't have the balls to own up to your mistakes. This is at least the 3rd time you have re-released an iOS / iPadOS update under the same version number. This time it is 14.5.1

I have iPadOS 14.5.1 installed and the iPad is now telling me I need to update to 14.5.1. Just own up to it, you released buggy shit and you need to release another bug fix days after... call it 14.5.2. Call it like it is and we respect you. Try to hide it and you lose our respect, you pussies.

If Microsoft did one thing right, they defined the release sequencing:
X.Y.Z

Changing X means rewrite the manual it is so new and improved (🖕🏻 you Adobe and FileMaker)

Changing Y means it is an update with more features than bug fixes but not a generational change that constitutes a rewrite of anything (🖕🏻 you macOS team for bastardizing with 10.X.Y)

Changing Z means you fixed your stuff, we respect you for owning up to your mistakes.

Man-up Apple, grow some balls and stop confusing people with trying to cover up your screw ups. It's all about the Z.

Outsourcing front-end for web is like playing russian roulette, but with 6 bullets in 6 chambers.
You shoot yourself in the balls (or ovaries)... HARD.

I don't know how you can develop in a complete nightmare of a SCSS file - 3500 lines of insanity.
This dev must have changed his mousewheel at least 50 times!
SERIOUSLY, why the fuck use SCSS when you piss everything into one single fucking file???
What drives me completely nuts is the fact that he even used an @import to include his custom.scss file... how many more IQ poins are needed to realize that you could SPLIT your spaghetti into smaller, sane files?

I need a whiskey...

Ah the wonders of working with non-technical people. 😤
I had a logistical problem. The SSD on my laptop crashed.
Me: No biggie just request new one.
Them: Sorry we don't have any on stock.
Me:Okey then give me a new laptop.
Them:Ok fine here you go.
Me:I specifically required 16 GB of RAM.
Them: ok here is an extra 8gb
Me: I need DDR 4 not DDR3
Them: don't have any. We will restock shortly.

A couple a days later a colleague requested 8gb DDR3 and got DDR 4.
The fuck is wrong with people. Can you not read?🤔🙄

The worst boss and human being so far, still wondering how he keeps the company afloat. This was my first longterm developer job almost a decade ago and I was a student at that time. The application was an outlook plug in for a document management system.

Scene 1:
Boss: The processing is too slow. Make it faster.
Me: After analysis and profiling I can prove that the core (developed in VB6 by a physicist and autoconverted to VB.NET) is the bottleneck.
Boss: I don't care. Make it faster and don't touch the core.

Scene 2:
Boss: I want the app to behave in that way.
Me: This is not what we specified previously. Look here. Nonetheless, I would have to rewrite half of the plugin. Mind that it is an outlook plug in and we are restricted by outlook. If you want that, it would take XX days and we do not have enough time until release.
Boss: I don't care. Do it. And the deadline stays as it is.
Boss 2 weeks later: I don't like it.

Scene 3:
Me: To release in time I need more resources. I need at least one tester and another developer would be a huge plus. Also, I need a second PC for testing.
Boss: No.
2 weeks later:
Boss: why does it not work properly in outlook 2010? Didn't you test it?
Me: I could not. I have only outlook 2007. I asked for more resources and did not get them.
Boss: it's your fault. Bad work.

Scene 4:
*Me having failed multiple exams, stress at work, started to drink*
Boss: Don't you like working here?
Me: ...

Finale:
*Me getting written sick with severe depression*
Boss: fires me.
Me: Loses flat. Quits uni. Unemployed for 6 Months, one rejection after another (boss was phoned, that's sure). Moving back to parents. Sues boss. Gets money.

I still hate him and wish him the most painful experiences in life. Such people belong behind bars. But the justice isn't always served. One has to move forward and improve himself.

Don't you hate it when your co-worker does dumb things, but thinks it's the "clean code" way?
The following is a conversation between me and a co-worker, who thinks he's superior to everyone because he thinks he's the only one who read the Clean Code series. Let's call him Bill.

Me: I think the feature we need is quite simple, our application needs to call this third party API, parse the response and pass it to the next step. Why do you need to bury everything under an abstraction of 4 layers?
Bill: bEcAuSe It'S dEcOuPlInG, aNd MaKe ThE cOdE tEsTaBlE
Me: I don't know man, you only need to abstract the third party api client, and then mock it if you want. Some interfaces you define makes no sense at all. For example, this interface only has 1 concrete implementation, and I don't think it will ever have another. Besides, the concrete implementation only gets the input from the upper layer and passes it down the lower layer. Why the extra step? I feel like you're using interface just for the sake of interface.
Bill: PrOgRaMmInG tO iNtErFaCe, NoT cOnCrEtE iPlEmEnTaTiOn!!!
Me: You keep saying those words, I don't think they mean what you think they mean. But they certainly do not mean that every method argument must be an interface
Bill: BuT uNcLe BoB blah blah blah...
Me: *gives up all hope*

I am angry. Do you know why? It's a rhetorical question, because you don't know why I am angry, which is why I'm going to tell you why I'm so. I Followed my friend, " Jane Doe" ( you don't need to know her actual name) to this store in my town. Then these 14-15 years old girls came up to me, and started asking me about my braces. "Where'd you get it?
" How much did it cost ?"
I get these questions like almost every single, and it's annoying. 😒
This one question got me angry. "What 'if' her braces are fake?" A girl said whispering to her friend.
Fake??? My braces are realer than you could ever be, jealous bitch. I said that in my mind, I don't have the guts to say it out loud, besides these girls look like they could tear me to pieces, and I wanted no conflict. I walked away as soon as my friend got her stuffs from the store.
My friend couldn't help but to tease me that I'm a doormat. I guess she's right. 🤔☹😤😟😖

Him: "I don't need source control, it's just another program that does unknown things on my source files. What if one day it stops working?? How do I get my files??"

Me: "you could say the same thing on 90% of the tools you use every day... Like when you restore npm packages by GUI"

him: "what are those? I don't use them"

Also him: "command line is vintage"

Dev: The requirement is not clear. This seems to be a general usecase which you are thinking we might need but we won't actually need it.

Manager: You have to do it. This is the requirement. No other option. Don't ask any questions.

...... One week later....

Manager: Why is the team not open to me?

Hey guys!
Been away for some time. Didn't have anything to tell tbh - until today.

As you may remember I started a new apprenticeship at big (and super cool) company. We develop software for various platforms.
I'm currently working on a plugin displaying some weatherdata. This plugin is supposed to be in 2 of our products. One is pretty nice but a pain in the ass to compile. The second one is a pure WTF. It's a web app with approximately half the functionality but 5x loading time (without demo data!) of the other product.
Well, today I learned why we have this loading time. They use I don't know how much different js frameworks and libraries for every single simple task. "It's easy and Facebook does it too. Besides that why are there frameworks if you could do it native?" HMMM LET ME GUESS BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE ARE FUCKING LAZY!?
Why do you need MULTIPLE frameworks for a simple web display!?

Red flags in your first week of your software engineering job 🚩

You do the first few days not speaking to anyone.
You can't get into the building and no one turns up until mid day.
The receptionist thinks you're too well dressed to work in this building, thinks you're a spy and calls security on you.
You are eating alone during lunch time in the cafeteria
You have bring your own material for making coffee for yourself

When you try to read the onboarding docs and there aren't any.
You have to write the onboarding docs.

You don't have team mates.
When you ask another team how things are going and they just laugh and cry.😂😭

There's no computer for you, and not even an "it's delayed" excuse. They weren't expecting you.
Your are given a TI PC, because "that's all we have", even though there's no software for it, and it's not quite IBM compatible.
You don't have local admin rights on your computer.💀
You have to buy a laptop yourself to be able to do your job.

It's the end of the week and you still don't have your environment set up and running.
You look at the codebase and there are no automated tests.
You have to request access every time you need to install something through a company tool that looks like it was made in 2001.

Various tasks can only be performed by one single person and they are either out sick or on vacation.
You have to keep track of your time in 6 minute increments, assigned to projects you don't know, by project numbers everyone has memorised (and therefore aren't written down).
You have to fill in timesheets and it takes you 30 minutes each day to fill them in because the system is so clunky.🤮

Your first email is a phishing test from the IT department in another country and timezone, but it has useful information in it, like how to login to the VPN.
Your second email is not a phishing test, but has similar information as the first one. (You ignore it.)
Your name is spelled wrong in every system, in a different way. 2 departments decide that it's too much trouble, and they never fix the spelling as long as you work there. One of them fixes it after you leave, and annoys you for a month because you haven't filled out the customer survey.

FUCK YOU BUSINESS GUY
FUCK YOUR SCOPE CREEP
SOLO DEV AINT GIVING U 20 FEATURES IN ONE MOTHERFUCKING WEEK

Seriously, though. Being a solo full-stackq developer who can do both frontend (react, redux) and backend (feathers, node) does NOT mean you have twice the manpower to accomplish all of your shitty shit. Just because you have an idea does NOT mean I have to implement all of it. You don't even have a motherfucking specifications for me, yet you expect me to deliver shitloads of complete fucking feature in a fucking week. This is not a fucking joke. I am NOT your mother fucking tool. I need time to build my stack, design and perfect the interface. I don't want a shitty motherfucking product on my fucking portfolio.

*dies inside*

Ubuntu One decided I am a bot and won't let me log in. Well, fuck you! I don't need you anymore.

Guy studies programming for a year.
Guy: I am going to start this amazing project wanna help
Me: Sure what is it
Guy: ***Long story of a decent idea***
Me: Sure Ill help, what do you need me to do
Guy: Only a few functions
A few days later...
Guy: Hey I don't where to start or how I should do it can you help me with like THE WHOLE PROGRAM?

If you haven't gathered from this story. Don't be that one guy who has an idea but doesn't write or make a plan for it as your just going to waste other peoples energy and resources.

The most important skill you can have is doing things without shame.

Shamelessly stay in your bed all weekends watching PewDiePie, never brushing your teeth, eating Doritos from under your pillow and peeing into empty Mountain Dew bottle if you feel like doing it.

Shamelessly spend your vacation sitting in the toilet with a laptop browsing reddit.

Shamelessly cut your product in half and ship it if you don't feel like perfecting it.

Shamelessly admit that you don't know something when you messed something up at work.

If you are a millennial like me, chances are your gen x parents told you that you have to be perfect / really good to succeed and to be worthy.

You know what? Fuck your parents then. Fuck my parents as well. Admitting this behavior wrong and actually giving up on living like something is always watching is the best thing you can do to your mental health.

I'm lazy. I write "any" here and there when they force me to do typescript at work. When I need a sidebar, I go and copy-paste that jquery snippet. I write like one article a month at best and I really want to say "fuck it" if I just don't feel like it.

You can always give up on everything and it's perfectly fine. This doesn't make you any kind of looser or something. You're perfectly fine.

Too bad I'm only beginning to master that.

Just saw a job ad for a company they were asking for one developer they wanted software developer x 7 and senior developer x 2.

How cheap is that? If you want to hire people do so but don't bundle them up, the description for what is required is funny too, I love how companies don't even know any standard way of asking for a specific role just blurt you need this this and this senior is that plus knows how to lead, cool.

Is this really a real requirement: "Visual Studio experience"?

Or is this just some piss take?

I am a 29 year old with about 10 years of development experience under my belt. I have what most would consider to be a senior level job that pays well for someone who is self taught and never attended college or university.

Recently I have had the urge to obtain a formal education. I don't really have any need or reason to, but the urge is still there.

I know there are a ton of respectable and very talented devs without diplomas. Any of you ever regret not perusing a degree? Would you see any benefit it pursing one late in your career?

Time to time I do some Hard- and Software repairs for neighbors and get some little money for it.

My neighbor let's call this one "Bob".

Bob has a new printer and a old one which is over 15 years old.

First: Holy shit 15 years old printer works still. WTF? Is this thing Hulk or what?

He ask me why he can't print a 128 site Doc with pictures in it from the old printer. It always stop at around 50 pages.

I tell him that it has only 32 MB Ram/Flash and can't print more. Before the Doc's were much smaller and could print that, but today you got files with more than 10 MB and on a printer it need's atleast 128 MB Ram to process and print it.

Guess what? One week later he asks me the same questions.

Why don't you print it on your new shiny expensive printer and why do you need still that OFFICE WAR VETERAN OF PRINTER to print it???

Seriously just use the new and better one!! Bob please give that old one a burial. He deservs it!

Could people that want a stressbal that badly, just buy one?

Lets say the community grew with 15%. So if your rant first had to be "100 funny" to get 150++, you still need "100 funny" to get 175++.

Conclusion: you don't need to be more funny to get a stressbal. releived?

Besides that, it's free, be grateful

Amazing API's and SEX!

Alright people, now that I've got your attention, I'm getting to the point where I need to plan and roll out a solid API for a project. So after reading a lot of the horror stories written here, What are the finer points of what makes an amazing API experience to use and integrate with over a poor one?
And don't say documentation (If you do explain why) 😁

about 18 years of "oh, you made this? that's nice, but don't you want to do/learn something you'll actually get paid for instead?" as a reaction to any game prototype i made and showed them. until i got my first programming job. after that, silence and pretending the previous 18 years never happened (except the since forever running "joke" of "oh, you're not going to finish it anyway").

also, the one time i begged my (dtp/graphic artist) mom to draw me some backgrounds for my game, because at least one time in my life i wanted to not have to work on a thing completely alone, it took about three months of begging and convincing, upon which she finally said "ok, i'll try", and after another month, and one unfinished image that i estimate took about an hour to make, she told me "sorry, i don't think i can make what you need".

also some years of having "maximum 2 hours of computer time per day, unless it's the weekend" rule.

Here's two tips for doing better posts that a lot of people seem to need:

1) Use smaller paragraphs instead of a giant one.
Be nice to readers and avoid posting single giant walls of text.

2) If you post something short and the first comment is "why?", then you're just annoying readers. Whenever you do a statement like "I'm having a shitty day" or "X technology is garbage" please include enough explanation or context that motivated the post, don't make users chase you for explanations.

Seriously, wtf..

- Getting ready for the K.I.D.
- Will need a red LED light/lantern to see things around w/o waking the kiddo up
- Order a bunch of various models
- Receive some of them
- The another one arrives - it only has white and blueish-white modes
- Reach out to the seller, ask to send me what I've ordered
- Seller replies with:
> Hi, friend
> I am very sorry this light is out of stock now

WTF dude... I order a particular SKU of your products, I need it for its particular properties the other SKUs don't have and when you see you've got no more left you do what? Send me a random product? Seriously, WTF man?!? How about ping me with a message, explain that you've oversold the item and suggest a refund? naaah, too much work, right? Just grab whatever products you still have left on your shelf and send them to your customer instead. /s

WTF MAN?!?!

We need you to support IE7, IE8, IE9, IE10, Firefox, Chrome, and Opera. Also since the customer may one day want to use tablets start thinking about that. And if possible don't break IE6 compatibility.

Owner of the company I freelance for: The proposal I sent yesterday to [PR Company we do work for] got bounced back. They said it was incomplete.

Me: Well no shit, they didn't provide us with a detailed itinerary of everything they need, nor did they give us access to sections that they want copied to the new website. I can't and won't provide a full quote when I don't have all the information needed to build one. I would be guessing at this point and it would be shitty guesses.

Owner: Here's a proposal they got from another company. We need to make it like this [sends file].

Me: They mention a one sentence footnote about what I laid out. Everything else is marketing jargon that I don't know, because I'm a developer, not a marketer. I'm not sure what it is you want me to do, because you're asking the wrong person.

Owner: Are you going to help me or not?

Me: Help you with what? You got my notes. Paraphrase them if you need to, but I have more important things on my agenda, like being a web developer, not a proposal drafter.

TEAM PROJECTS IN UNIVERSITY BE LIKE:

You will need to write a paragraph of text, approximately 100 words long.

In order to manage your work more effectively, you must split the paragraph into sentences and each one of you should write one.

Make sure you don't clash with each other, the text is meaningful and it flows nicely.

You have one month: you should meet at least twice a week to discuss how to go about the tasks, review your work and plan ahead.

We will be checking on your progress on a weekly basis.

Most importantly, do not just wait until the last minute and have one person do all the work: that's just silly.

dev "no no no, you're overengineering it. You just need one class for that"
Me "but ... Those are different object that share a common interface. The internal logic is not the same, only their output is. You know ... That's the purpose of interfaces"
Him "no no, as i said, you don't need that. Listen, you can put ALL the fields and methods in a single class and then you can use a switch with different cases .."

Siemens Step7 code block protection (PLC's).. It was designed to lock code that you don't want others to be able to read. All blocks are in a dbf file, so you just need to find the block record and uncomment one line, voila - source code available.

Given the massive use of Siemens PLC's on plants all over the world, and the simplicity of hacking via S7 protocol, usually Internet connected, it's a breeze to steal or modify the controllers code with possible critical implications.

Enter Stuxnet.

Best:
Really getting into Rust. It has taught me so many things.
1. Null is evil
2. Sum types are amazing
3. Compiler can actually have good error output
4. Multi threading is actually really scary if you don't have a compiler to back you up

Worst:
I had to deal with SSIS. It has also taught me many things:
1. No matter how 'mature' a product is, it can be awful. Simply dump a random error code, the user can figure out what went wrong, no need for good error messages.
2. The modern concept of the database is crap. It's a gigantic global state that is used by everyone and owned by no one.
3. Don't use tools that aren't made to be used with version control.
4. Even when you tell your team that it's bad, you will be ignored.

One more for VS Code, because sometimes you don't need a full blown IDE.

If only it could print.

I am a Windows person. I always argue how great it is.

Well, not today.

I was today years old when I learned that you CANNOT uninstall store app via store ;p You need to go to settings / apps and functionality / your app / uninstall

The photo app (Yes the one bundled with win10) doesn't work if you use Hard drive compression AND it is a symlink for OneDrive (So you don't need to keep all photos on the drive). Fucking Paint works without problems.

Email client : If you alt+tab too fast after hitting 'Send email", there is 50% chances that email won't be send. Basiclly you need to hit "send" and wait until you see it in "sent" folder.

Well, as i'm ranting, here for Linux too :
I have a small ubuntu server VM, worked very well for last 6 months. Now "System in read only mode". Fucking apt-get upgrade fucked with something. I don't want to look, so I'll just rebuild a fresh vm.

And macOS should take sometyhing too : Who the fuck decided "enter" is for editing the name of file ?! really !

Well, ALL os are shit, all have downsides, I need my own OS. But I still want AA games... So windows for me.

Do one thing... That's where the trouble starts.

Yeah. Architecture and separation, these are the foundation.

If you don't do these two in a proper and sane way, you most likely end up with the rotten pile of shit most companies call micro services.

Hot glued unmaintainable mess of deprecated shit stapled together by a custom framework abomination cause no one gave a flying fuck to properly design it.

I see these things daily.

I write the reminders every week.

"Hey, lil retarded dev, you don't need that dependency, you can just use languages feature XY added in version XY"

"But that's how I always did it"

Moments where you want to apply violence from the category "inhumane".

Or even more retarded: Yeah it does everything that was written in that one epic that took 6 months with 30 devs to finish.

I sometimes really wonder how some people managed to survive till they got the job. Parents must have been pretty vigilant 24/7...

In reply to atheist in another rant ;)

Production: "Do you have [device]?"
Me: "Yes. I'm implementing the software that controls [device]."
Production: "Ok, that's the only [device] in the building, and I need to ship it to meet a deliverable."
Me: "... Does he want it to do anything?"
Production: "We'll build you another one."
Me: "When?"
Production: "... Eventually."

Software Development: The art of spinning straw into gold when you don't have any straw.

Black Friday is the time where you consider to buy a new laptop and finds that laptop companies don't know how to make one for programmers. Either they are shit or they are gamer laptop that have 2~4 GB of video memory you will never use and costs thousands of dollars.
Is it hard to make one with good CPU, RAM and a SSD without concluding that you are a hardcore gamer and you need an expensive video card along with it?

So we're seating in our small dev room where nothing else and no one else can fit in. I'm sitting next to the door so whenever anyone want to get in or out I need to do it first.
It's middle of the day and one of our dev friends. You don't believe what he did.
He fixed bug. So I pushed the red button to signalise that the bug was fixed and at the same time the alarm siren has launched and red lights starts to blink. Next minute couple of strippers wants to enter. Since the room is small they started dancing on our desks. Waitress opens champagne that's pouring on my leg and then I woke up and my dog is pissing on me.

I WANT TO SAY A BIG *FUCK YOU* TO SYNCFUSION FOR OFFERING NUGETS BUT NOT MAKING IT CLEAR THAT YOU NEED TO PAY AN $1,000 LICENSE TO GET ITS CONTROLS TO WORK SO YOU WASTE A LOT OF TIME WONDERING WHY THEY DON'T WORK, AND THEIR DOCUMENTATION IS THE SHITS, AND THEN 4 HOURS LATER YOU REALIZE THAT THE REASON THEY DON'T WORK IS BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN USING THE DEMO VERSION. SO, SYNCFUSION... *FUCK YOU* WITH ALL MY MIGHT. AND IN CASE YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME *FUCK YOU* ONE MORE TIME!! BITCH!

I don't need you to reiterate what the problem is. I am aware. I was the one who told you what the problem is. Via email and Slack. Why do you keep restating it to me like you are the one who figured out? I know the table isn't syncing with the third party object. I'm trying to figure out WHY. No amount of "I'm pretty sure the sync process is broken" will trigger a solution. Stop coming into my office every 5 minutes with a new "revelation" that wasn't even your own. This isn't my code, and since the owner of said code is not here to fix it, I have to spend some time figuring out how this damn thing works. SO PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LET ME WORK SO I CAN FIX THIS

I've worked in a lot of customer service jobs and the more i have to deal with client, the more story starting to pile up. But something always come back and it's frustrating. The entitlement people have. I work as a Technical Support agent and for the most part i'm actually happy to help people with fixing their problems. But once in a while i always get that idiot that doesn't do anything i told him, blame me because "my fixes" don't work or just straight up don't listen to me and think they know better. Why the fuck do you call me if you need help if you're going to ignore everything i say and act like a fucking children. I'm not the one that call for technical support.

I know this place is more for Dev, but i'm sure those kind of things happen all the time when a client think he know more than the dev themselves...

Lately I've noticed a lot of people complaining about webview apps (electron and so on)... While I see their arguments for resource hungry apps, slow and unreliable - I strongly think that it's just complaining for no reason....

It's slow - yes
It's stupid to make web work in native - yes
But guys, isn't it awesome that technologies allows us to do such things? Even a simple web developer can quickly prototype an application on mac/windows/linux/android/iphones - even if it's not a great one, you still don't need to learn all the corks and quacks of the languages... You just need to get it out there!

So, I'd like to say that we should actually appreciate things we have more, even if it's as stupid as emoji coding language :)

ps. I really admire the emoji language as it's amazing on the spectre of what is possible.... :D

I have started using the input lockout when supporting colleagues.

The phrase "don't touch anything" must be code for "close all my windows"

Last one actually rebooted her machine in the middle of a (manager requested) intervention...

I got some very strange looks in the office to my "good afternoon, I'm calling to inform you that you will need to speak to HR to reinstate your credentials as I have accidentally marked you as a leaver while doing some database maintenance, I'll transfer you now, please hold" phone call, especially as we don't actually have access to do that lol

I put her on hold to myself while I finished then advised that "I'm sorry HR are busy, but I've managed to undo the mistake anyway, my apologies"

Kept her away from the machine so it was lawful evil right?

My new favourite commit message:

"All changes as of 18th Sept"

How tremendously useful? There I was looking to know what changes were made to enable a feature / service, thought I could look for that in the commit message, but no you've given me a much more efficient way of finding out.

I simply need to download the contents of your memory, find out what date you made a change, and then dig through the massive commit to find the piece of info I need.

Forget experience using Git features, managing merges, following Git flow, or even any other SCM ... how can people be so tick when it comes to recording what they've done.

Heres a little cheat sheet for those struggling:

- Commit message
Describe what you actually ****ing did. Don't tell me the date or the time, thankfully Git records those. Don't tell me the day of the week, if I need to know I can figure that out, just tell me what ... you ... did.

- Feature branch names
Now this is a tricky one. You might be surprised to know that this isn't in fact suppose to be whatever random adjective or noun popped into your head ... I know, I too was shocked. The purpose of this is to let other people know what new feature is being worked on in this branch.

- Reusing feature branches
Now I know you started it to add some unit tests, and naming it "testing" is sort of ok. But its actually not ok to name it testing when you add 3 unit tests ... then rip out and replace 60% of the business logic. Perhaps it would have been wiser to create a new feature branch, given you are now working on a new feature.

Some motherfucker pulled the entire fucking Lodash library off a CDN so he could use one fucking function.

Buddy, the library is open source, you can just copy the relevant code off Github

This is why websites are slow as fuck, devs import shit they don't need

@cozyplanes birthday is coming.....
And my dad is asking if I want some presents....
But I can't think of one.
I already have decent headphones and earphones, speaker, keyboard, mouse, laptop, monitor, phone, and tablet...
I personally don't need anything now, but I want to get something.

Can anyone recommend hardware stuff for me? (not software) Mostly tech related, but if you can think of music stuff or leisure stuff (like boosted board, even tho I don't have the time to ride it), that's great too!

Will waiting for you guys/gals suggestions.

P.S. Ofc I want to get my own A320 or A350, but I am pretty sure my dad can't afford it. If any of you guys/gals have the money, please contact me.

So, I got a new job opportunity at another company, one thing we agreed is that I would need one month to give the notice, and leave the project I was working on with the company I currently work on. Today, after 25 days, they said "the project is not available anymore, we can't hire you", I already give the current company the notice. Making all the wishes possible to keep the current project I work on.

This is life telling me, don't change from what you know to the unknown, even with good positive reviews

Been getting a lot of troll / clown / clueless (?) comments on my posts recently. Select favorites include:

"Why do you have a login form on your website?" wut
"Why didn't you throw away that API key?" wut
"Why do you even need to access your apps' servers?" wut

There are just SO many amazing devs here who have NEVER had do any of those things, I'm quite literally an idiot and don't know what I'm doing, sorry for my ignorance. I'd forgotten that there is only exactly one way to build software, I wish I'd done it "that" way sooner! Foolish me.

Really not sure if trolls, clowns, or clueless. Don't care. 🤡🤡🤡

Need some advice -

I have over one month spare time before joining the company. I have always wanted to learn an instrument but I'm also 'thinking' of joining a gym but I don't have any fantasies for big biceps and I am a big time foodie.

I have read that learning new instruments would help you in critical and out of the box thinking which is a definite plus while programming. While joining a gym would be a good way to keep myself fit in this hectic world of programming.

I'm torn in choosing between these two options. Which one should I join as a developer? What would my fellow devs suggest? 🤔

Creator of the react router:

If you ever see this, you created one of the greatest library with one of the worst documentation ever.

And don't get me started with versions. In every single versions, you break everything so badly and nothing works anymore.

Everytime I need to do something related to react router, I just fucking roll on the floor and cry. Documentation is fucked up.

It's totally fucked up. In the github there's one documentation, in the website there's a different. At the end, nothing works.

Please, if you want to create a nice library like this, maintain it. If you can't maintain it, mark it as deprecated and someone will take over.

But keeping something like this and making it absolutely inconsistent doesn't help. I am really tired of debugging bugs related to react-router

Question: is it common to a developer to have lots of tasks to do at the same time, so you don't have sure what you need to do first, specially when you have 2 or more urgent projects?

That is one of the things I most hate on managing.

To all of us who procrastinate. Here is my new thinking that is making me slightly more productive! I would guess we all agree that the work is fucked up. But what we need to be productive, is an ego big enough to think that we are the only one smart enough to fix it! Just let your ego go!

Why code that project? Because other people would do it wrong! You fuck up the project? Fuck you, do it right or it won't be done right! My internal monologue from now on!

Does this mean I don't ask for help? Of course I ask! So that I can learn it, realise the other person is an idiot, then do it right using their technology!

If you don't do what you are planning to do, nobody will! Also most of the worlds problems can be solved with money, so that is why we should get rich. To fix the problems of the world.

Hope it helps someone :)

Just need to vent, so here goes:

Fuck doing cutting edge projects for great glory, low budgets and tight deadlines. I'm tired, burnt out and just don't give a shit anymore.

I got promoted to lead dev and thought my fortune was made but what it really meant was just: Here solve all these bullshit bugs that the rest of the team can't figure out and oh we are also taking this single app you guys made and scaling it globally. You have half a year to figure that out. You handle the devops.... sigh

Fuck that noise.

Honestly i just feel like quitting and finding a nice specialist place, with a cap of at max Senõr developer, no more being the one making the big decisions for me, rather just diving into certain areas and coding the fuck out of that. Maybe some teaching too, i like that.

Anyway, won't happen right now, i need the salary. My wife just graduated and can't find a job what with a certain flu fucking over the economy, so I am stuck here for now.

Why won't you just approve my PR???

Whats wrong with you?!

I don't understand your cryptic one-sentence feedback. I'm not even sure you understand what you're asking yourself.

What the hell does "make it a transaction" mean? Don't give me pseudo-code examples that don't even work fucking asshole!

Its a small change that does NOT need a canary build dammit. Don't go testing the ORM, its a goddamn standard library. Why does working with you make everything so complicated?!?!

The code fucking works! There is no need to make it comply to your specific tastes goddamn it. Working with you is like pulling teeth!

/endrant

MS Access and VBA.

This combo is the worst dev tech I had to use it by now. Why? Because even if you try it, you can't make a single line of clean code. The syntax is horrible, it still use GOTO...

Maybe the reason why I hated working with it is linked to the context too: I was (and still) developing a system using NoSQL database and this system should be mostly fully configurable through metadata within JSON documents and it was. But we were still writing every JSON by hands so we decided we needed to develop a web based utility for us and clients who would need to configure the system but one of the head decision making people said that we don't need to use fancy technologies (because NoSQL is already "fancy") and that the configuration tool will be develop with Access because he used it a lot when he was younger and when he was coding during its free time. He said that using Access would be much easier and much time saving than our "fancy web based solution" and that he could help if we had questions...

Developing a MS Access software is already a pain in the ass but when you need to output JSON with it...

Someone today told me that I represent the chillest vibe that Texas can muster and I really did appreciate that.

Would I've had my hat on, I would've tipped it and said thank you. But I was not playing cowboy that day.

I just don't want people from the outside and from within the states to think that we are all a bunch of racist republitard rednecks, I don't mind being called a redneck, but shit man I ain't one to hate on people based on their preferences/etc/etc/etc

You can be a rough cowboy and still be nice to mfkas, shit ain't hard at all, matter of fact I think it is easier to be nice than to be a total dickhead. I will drop a motherfucker down in 2 secs if need to tho.

I just want mfkas to be happy around me.

Me: I would like to receive external training for RHCSA course and certification

Company: Sure! we will open a ticket for you and keep you posted

Me: it's been almost 3 months, could you give me any updates?

Company: Oh actually you are not eligible! this certification is not aligned with your job description!

Me: But...I use linux every single day and it's one of the main requirements to be able to do my job?

Company: Yeah whatever no need to get certified still..!

Me: Why didn't you tell me that 3 months ago?

Company: Well the process was changed and we decided this certification does not match your profile

Me: What matches my profile then?

Company: certificates in Azure and GCP

Me: But I don't ever use those platforms?

Company: ......

Me: ......

Why apple is a peice of shit..? Why even people love it.. It makes apple to grow more.. Although they don't deserve it.. They don't deserve the trillion dollars.. Why don't they fuck them self..
In a year they release a peice of shit and people are like applauding on it.
Are you fucking serious people?
The people who called as "apple fanboy" please go fuck yourself.. Tell me one reason to love apple..
I am not talking about the price issue. I am talking about they think that they are the best.. But no they are not. They are a bunch of asshole who are working to make money.. They don't need to respect.

Why is every innovation trying to go towards "replacing programmers"? like, what have we done to you?

GitHub CoPilot will replace programmers!
AI will replace programmers!
This/That tech will replace programmers!

Nobody says,

"Programmers work remote so we don't need to hire managers anymore!"

"Programmers wrote a monitoring script for progress tracking, so no need for managers anymore!"

"We are asking people to install sprinklers everywhere so we don't need firefighters!"

"We can just have one teacher record the subject material once and re-use the same video every year, so now we don't need to hire teachers anymore!"

"We are making everything legal so we don't need to hire policemen!".

Why is everything trying to replace programmers?

PSA: If you need to make dummy commits to trigger a pipeline for test purposes, please just use --allow-empty and make an empty one. Don't just add random newlines back and forth in stupid places.

daily reminder (most of you don't need it i know) that reddit is full of the most ignorant and dumb people on the planet

thought i could hop into comments on a /r/worldnews post for interesting discussion and discourse, no, its just idiotic neckbeards trying to one up eachother on painfully cringe doomer phrases and / or who can get the most upvotes from their godawful dumbass pun

what a fuckin cesspool

and they wonder why the world is going to shit

There's one thing I hate about the new year. Everyone assumes it's the best time to do some cleanup, some maintenance. As the year starts fresh - everyone should start fresh, right?

NOT!

No, Hetzner, you don't need to restart my servers on Dec 26th.
No, local VPS providers, you don't need to clean-up all my /tmp/ files for me on Dec 29th, leaving me in the dark and unaware I have to restart my apps.

That's just a dick move. Your intentions might be alright, but the consequences... Damn you!

Dear laptop vendors, stop wasting so much precious device estate on nothing!

This wasted physical space could easily fit in six USB ports, or four USB ports and two HDMI ports, or four USB ports and one HDMI and one LAN. Or four USB ports and two SD card slots.

> "Who the heck needs 6 USB ports?"

You don't need more USB ports… until the day you do need them comes.

> "HDMI and LAN are feature creep!"

It's "feature creep", until you need it.

> "Ever heard of USB hubs?"

While better than nothing, they are tedious to carry around and can hardly support more than one external high-power device such as an external hard drive or blu-ray drive, except if you have an external power adapter, which is even more tedious to carry.

Also, have fun closing programs until the operating system stops whining "volume is busy" just so you can unmount your external SSD and then reconnect it through a USB hub. Sounds like fun, huh?

You were playing audio from your external SSD? Too bad. Now you need to close the media player to be able to unmount the SSD, then later restart it and seek the last position. And all of that could be avoided if your laptop happened to have one more USB port.

Client : you are hired as a developer.

Me : we need more developers as there's more work and less time.

Client : Ok, here's another dev

(Meanwhile me doing my work...)

ON THE DAY OF DEMO :

Me : Here's the demo.

Client: it's incomplete, where's more work?

Me: that's the part of 2nd dev you hired before

Client : I don't care, I fucking need a work!

Me inside: (Why the fuck would the first dev becomes a task/team manager just because is the first one to join the project! Arrrgh!!! Hire a fucking scrum master to manage your fucking tasks/team, am just a fucking dev! )

I've been using keepass for everything and just recently I've just come to realization of just how hard it is to get into my accounts now that I've done this.

Literally, I'm useless if i don't have a computer to get my passwords. (I know it's for android too, but i need the database)

I was trying to log into my spotify, but I couldn't remember my password. Then I thought, oh i know i'll just log into facebook and do it that way.

LOL JK you don't know the password
Fuck... what about my email???
LOL NOPE!

Seriously if i was held at gun point and told to log into anything I'd be dead. I've literally secured myself out of my own accounts...

I guess if there is any silver lining, it's that no-one, and I mean 'no-one' is getting into my accounts any time soon.

After I cured my depression with Vortioxetine which was prescribed to me because of pure luck, I can notice that something has changed.

I can't tell if I like or don't like something anymore. It doesn't matter now which food to eat, what music to listen to, I just can't see the difference. I dropped all my side projects, quit my job and got another, much easier one. I don't see the big picture of things anymore. I also lost my ability to reverse-engineer problematic outcomes and find solutions.

I used to be an architect but now I can't design anything, I just forgot how to do what I could do without thinking. I forgot Lisp and Clojure, functional programming is too hard for me now. I just don't understand it.

My iq also significantly dropped.

Summarizing all that, and also remembering that liking or not liking something implies that you have a personality, I can only see one reason – I probably don't have a personality anymore.

Here's a summary of my experiences from when I was depressed:

depression makes you dumb
you struggle with simplest tasks
you only eat and go to the bathroom because sometimes your basic instincts win
depression takes your power of will – the most valuable thing you have
society doesn't understand and shames you
you can't think
you can't focus
you can't study
you need money but you can't make it
you don't have that save space inside your thoughts anymore
you don't have dreams
your sleep schedule is fucked
every night there's a nightmare and you can't wake up
you can't cry
they prescribe you one neuroleptic after another and they only makes it worse, turning you into a vegetable
you feel nothing but shame and irrational infinite guilt

User A: We need to do some check on our data. So you need to add in a new function for this, we can't use your system otherwise.
Me: Ok then.
Spends 2 days or so to get it working
Me: So this is the function we'll add. Can you confirm that its ok?
User A: Ohh...but now I'm not too sure about this. Let me confirm with my team lead on this.
User A: I just checked. Good news,we don't really need that function now. I think we can use it with the current one anyway haha. And I just confirmed this so no worries.
So I just wasted my time then. Great.

Background story:
One of the projects I develop generates advice based on energy usage and a questionare with 300 questions.

Over 400 different variables determine what kind of advice is given. Lots of userinput and over a thousand textblocks that need to show or not.

Rant:
WTF do you want me to do when you tell me. It's not giving the right advice for the lights.

Why the for the love of.. do I need to ask you everytime. If something is not working. Tell me what and for wich user. Don't tell me calculation whatever is not working, I don't know that calculation. Your calculations are maintainable in your cms.

And how, like I really wonder, do you expect me, when not telling me what user is having this problemen to find and fix it, You just want me to random guess one of the thousands users that should be given that specific advice?

FCK, like 80% of my time solving problems is spend trying to figure out wtf your talking about.

And then what a miricale the function is doing exactly what is it doing but you forgot a variable. It's not like the code I write suddenly decides it does not feel like giving the right answer.

"This is ridiculous, why don't the docs explain this? This is absurd, it seems like thousands of people should be having this issue. Why do maintainers fucking not get it? Why write software if you don't intend for anyone else to use it?"

versus

"Hey, could you explain X to me? I'm having trouble understanding it."
"Sure, here: ..."
"Thanks - maybe we could add it to the docs, that's the first place I looked."
"Absolutely, good idea."
<closed in a8b7cb8d>

Which one was easier, folks? It's not this difficult. 100% going to help you if you ask - to me, at least, there's no such thing as a stupid question (seriously, I'll answer the most inane questions 100 times over if I need to). However, there's definitely a stupid comment, and unfortunately they seem to be the majority I receive on Github.

Right to repair by Corsair
My mouse has double click glitch...
To disassemble the mouse, first skates need to be peeled off and destroyed in order to get to mounting screws...
I was unable to find those skates online, so I reached directly the Corsair to check if they sold them. Of course they don't sell them...
Next I tried to find professional shop. I found one willing to replace switch for 50$ while brand new mouse costs 60$.
FUCK YOU CORSAIR

Woke up, worked out, went back to bed. (?? Yeah I'm surprised too) Slept for an hour, woke up again, worked tirelessly and finished the slides. (Not as easy as you think. Had to drag out and undust a few jupyter notebooks again, plus realized that the stupid past me has deleted a bunch of notebooks because of lack of space, and I had to remake one again.)

Now I have to figure out why google slides doesn't like to play my videos, and write my script (don't give me the "don't practice too much" bullshit or "don't need a script". That's for losers. You gotta practice enough that you can cite your presentation even if you got a concussion in the middle of the presentation. Plus, you can modify content in the middle of presentation based on the crowd vibe but you can't do that without knowing your script by heart, can you?) Aaaaaand what was I saying... I forgot... Geez ... Well, wish me luck. This week is gonna be tough. And next week. And probably the week after. Ew.

I don't care for Slack. There's nothing wrong with Slack. I just don't find a need for it when I already had email + IM. You know what I hate, though. People who show up one day and force Slack down the throat of an organization because "collaboration". Now, every day I hear "I didn't see that. Oh, you put in on Slack? Which channel?", "I put in on Slack", "I don't ever check my email, I just have Slack open", "Instead of filling up your inbox, I'm going to post this on 15 different slack channels" (which is why I have all the channels muted). All from people who can't type 10 words in a row without an emoji.

I hate when one of my cw starts to flood the chat, especially the #general. It goes like:

CW: hey
CW: anyone have a pendrive
CW: ?

Me: I have one (and tells him where he can find on my desk)
Another CW: I have one too

CW: thanks, I'll get the one from <Another CW>
CW: hahahahahaha

You don't need to write a whole thesis in a single message, but at least you should guarantee that each message have some meaningful information, not just "hey", "?" and "hahaha"

Slack is not MSN.

Who should and when it would be a good time to tell him this is a waste of attention?

Really? You want me to install you an old windows release because "you don't understand the new one"?
What don't you understand? Fucking square buttons? Basic color palletes? Big fat icons with a description below?
What do you miss in a ten years old shitty OS? The need of three antiviruses? The satanic settings layout? Lack of any drivers?
You have a family, you're making them too experience all the security breaches, all the compatibility problems with thing are a "must have" today, and all the slow performance.
Fuck you. Please, please, please, go fuck yourself with your trashy laptop's burnt battery. Pretty please. I already hated you, but now it's out of the charts.
PS: Actually, fuck myself with your crappy laptop's batteries, because my girlfriend told me to help you, and I can't say no, so see you in two weeks, when porn ads are invading your desktop and you're ready to blame me.

I need to encrypt some large files at rest and then decrypt them immediately prior to processing.

App and files are on a Linux system (CentOS). App is in C. Machine is controlled by a third party.

What encryption libraries would you recommend? And, is there any clever way of managing the decryption key beyond compiling it in the code and doing some basic obfuscation?

Are they fancy obfuscation libraries out there, for example?

And, the reason I'm not going to SO (well, one reason) is that I don't want to have 50 answers that tell me that's it's impossible to 100% protect data on a machine you don't control. This I understand---just looking for "best effort" solution.

I think a question should be added to tech interviews and maybe the most important one.

How many times in a week do you use Google/internet to look for a solution to/information about ur problems.

Tests for a developers ability to learn or try to figure things out themselves..

Feels like a lot of people on my team just do it the way it's always been done ,. Which is ahitty.. and if they don't know something,.. they need to ask someone instead of trying to figure it out themselves...

Reminds me of that fish adage?

They never learn how to fish....

I absolutely hate software to the point where I started converting from sysadmin to becoming more like a dev. That way I could just write my own implementations at will. Easier said than done, that's for sure. And it goes both ways.

I think that in order to be a good dev, you need these skills the most:
- Problem solving skills
- Creativity, you're making stuff
- Logical reasoning
- Connecting the dots
- Reading complex documentation
- Breaking down said documentation
- A strong desire to create order and patterns
- ...

If you don't have the above, you may still be able to become a dev.. but it would be harder for sure, and in some cases acceptance will be lower (seriously, learn to Google!)

One thing I don't think you need in development is mathematics. Sure there's a correlation between it and logic reasoning, but you're not solving big mathematical monsters here. At most you'd probably be dealing with arrays and loops (well.. program logic).

Also, written and spoken English! The language of the internet must be known. If it's not your first language, learn it. All the good (and crucial) documentation out there is in English after all.

One final thing would be security in my opinion, since you're releasing your application to the internet and may even run certain services, and deal with a lot of user data. Making those things secure takes some effort and knowledge on security, but it's so worth it. At the most basic level, it requires a certain mindset: "how would I break this thing I just made?"

Meetings would be better without people.

I mean I like the IDEA of meetings...

Honestly I'm the type of person who if I could would schedule lots of meetings to make sure we're all on the same page, and to be sure the thing is going to do the thing everyone wants / get their perspective, etc. I really want to KNOW what the folks who are going to use this thing need / want / what works best for them.

On the other hand I know that meetings are often more like:

Me: "Ok let's so here's our data, now tell me what fields they want to edit and so forth."

People: "All of them."

Me: "Uh, no you don't want that or they'll break everything ... X, Y and Z require those fields for A, B, and C to work."

Me: "Let's go field by field and you tell me if they need to edit it, and why."

People: "Yeah this first one they have to be able to change this one."

Me: "Wait no, that's the primary key for that table, I don't know why that's on this list but no you can't change that."

People: "Yeah we have to be able to change that."

Me: "No, you can't, do you even know what that number IS?"

People: "Um... no ..."

(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

TL;DR Calendar services sucks.

Imagine yourself as startup. You don't want to spend fortune on paying $5 per user per month for Google Services. Also you don't want to pay that to Microsoft for O365. You want to run it itself because you already have droplet running with your other services (ERP for example. Funny story too btw.) Ok, decision has been made, let install something.

I have pretty good experience with OwnCloud from past as Cloud file sharing service. Calendar is not bad for single user purpose (understand it as personal calendar, no invitations to others, sharing is maximum I tried) What can possibly go wrong when I deploy that and use its Calendar?

Well, lot. OwnCloud itself runs well (no rant here) but Calendar is such pain in ass. Trouble is with CalDav under hood and its fragmented standards. So, you want to send invitation to your team for recurrent meeting. Nothing weird. It sends as one invitation to each one, good. Now you realize you have a conflict, so you need to change time of one occurence. Move it, send update. And here comes shitstorm. It is not able to bisect one occurence from series. So it splits it to separate events and send invitation for every single one. 30 INVITATIONS IN 2 SECONDS! Holy sh*t! You want to revert that. Nope, won't do. So you accept your destiny and manually erase every single one with memo in head about planning recurring events.

Another funny issue is when SwiftMailer library (which is responsive for sending e-mails from OwnCloud) goes to spamming mayhem. It is pretty easy to do. When e-mail doesn't comply to RFC, it is rejected, right? So if because of some error CalDav client passes non-compliant e-mail (space as last character is non-compliant btw) and SwiftMailer tries to send it to multiple recepients (one of them is broken, rest is fine), it results in repetitive sending same invitation over and over in 30 minute interval. Sweet.

So now I am sitting in front of browser, looking for alternatives. Not much to choose from. I guess I'll try SOGO. It looks nice. For now.

The worst part of being a dev? Working in teams.

And I don't mean that in the "I'm the best ninja code wizard in the whole world and you're all holding me back" kinda way. I'm thinking more in the lines of someone who has to deal with that kind of attitude on a daily basis. As someone who recently was put in a leading position in a dev team, this is by far one of the worst experiences that came with it.

Some examples?
- One dev completely changed the naming scheme for variables in a class he worked on for one. single. bug fix. His reason? He just didn't like it!
- Another one noticed that data he was supplied with was not in the specified format. Instead of flagging this with the project leads, he just rewrote his parser to fit the data. A couple of weeks later the supplier noticed the error, fixed the format and suddenly everyone wondered why the software failed processing the data.
- Or that one senior dev, that just refuses to accept changes because "it was always done like this and it worked" No, it didn't. That's why it was changed!

Once a dev team reaches a certain size, people need to realize that stuff like coding rules and process guidelines are not there to annoy them but to help the whole team work as efficient as possible. I don't care how good a programmer you are, if you can't check your ego you don't belong in any kind of team-oriented development project!

I hate those mother fucking, Cock sucking, dick farting retarded faggots, who get the opportunity of a new job/internship just because they have a certain "relative" in the said company/organisation.
I mean its ok that you are getting an opportunity, but just don't act all-knowing-god-tier while you don't even know how to print a statement in c++ and got it.
How many more relationships should I increase of mine so that I get into the same position like them.
One of my friends got the internship just because his girlfriend's brother works for the firm.
Now that's just super barbaric unless he gave a blowjob to the gf's brother.
Their Fucking assholes need to be drilled by a giant pile drivers.

!rant, throw everything away

When you spend 9 hour at work, 2 hours in that fucking exploded bus, tries to spend time with friends and family, spend enough time with that one special person, try to sleep descently and manage to work on your personal projects during that two hours in the bus, and that each day, each week, the whole year.
You need a lot of motivation!
But when today I loose two months of work because of a hardware problem and that (because I don't have internet in the bus) I didn't backup on GitHub , I just have lost all motivation and will!
I just can't anymore!
FML

Optimization issue pops out with one of our queries.
> Team leader: You need to do this and that, it's a thing you know NOTHING about but don't worry, the DBA already performed all the preliminary analysis, it's tested and it should work. Just change these 2 lines of code and we're good to go
> ffwd 2 days, ticket gets sent back, it's not working
> Team leader: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TEST IT YOUR CHANGE IS NOT WORKING
> IHateForALiving: try it on our production machine and you'll see the exact same error, it's been there for years
> Team leader: BUT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TEST IT

Just so we're clear, when I perform a change in the code, I test the changes I made. I don't know in which universe I should be held accountable for tards breaking features 10 years ago, but you can't seriously expect me to test the whole fucking software from scratch every time I add an index to the db.

I'm working on a codebase that is terminally ill. It's split so badly into microservices that no matter what you do, every one of them talks to every one of them over and over. If there's any way they can avoid just invoking a method on a class and send themselves a message or make an HTTP request, they'll do it. One of the services just sends messages to itself for no apparent reason. Except it doesn't even send messages to itself. It sends an HTTP request to a controller in another app, and that controller sends a message which is received by the same class that made the request.

The point is that this application is screwed. The defects pile up and there is literally no one who can understand what it's supposed to do in any scenario. I'm good at this. I can follow confusing code and document it. But not this one. It's overwhelming. It's insanity.

When these defects come in we're told to just run the app from the UI, see what HTTP requests it makes, and start tracing the code manually. Running and debugging it locally would be a nightmare but it's impossible anyway.

They decided that we all need to understand the application better so we can work on it, so we were each given six poorly-define five-hour tasks to "understand" various things. Those things don't make any sense. It's like if someone gave you the source code to Excel and told you to spent five hours understanding columns, five more understanding rows, and five more understanding cells.

Here's the thing: I'm okay with learning and understanding some code. It's part of the job. But I'm not going to abandon my career as a software developer so I can become an expert on debugging their awful code. I didn't make this mess. I'm not going to live with it. I'm moving on as quickly as I possibly can.

I've tried to explain to them that if they want the situation to improve they need to improve the code. They need to learn how to write tests. If your plan is that people will study your code, know it inside and out, and then spend all their time debugging it, that's a plan for failure. Everyone who can will leave and take what they know with them.

These companies just don't get it. They need their software to work, but the types of developers who can help them don't need that software to work. No one capable of doing good work is going to spend several years debugging their awful code unless you pay them a crazy ton of money.

Just don't make a mess in the first place. Hire developers who can do a good job. If you hire the cheapest people you can find you won't be able to get someone else to fix it later. It's not personal but I wish failure on those projects or even those companies. I want them to fail because failure is so expensive. I want them to fail so that others learn from it and don't repeat the same mistakes.

As an industry we're a bunch of genuine idiots. We just keep doing the same things over and over again no matter how much it hurts.

Today I had a casual chat with my friend and we were discussing how human mind limits the things one can achieve. Like giving up after constant failures, or lack of determination, blaming destiny for failures. I told him I am never easy about the fact that your destiny is pre-written and you can't do anything about it. If you are willing, you can change it. You just need to have the right mindset.
He said I am going to do MBA after engineering. You can't be rich with just engineering. I told him if you work smart and hard enough, and just follow your passion, there is no need for an MBA. And he went on to tell me how top richest persons mostly comprise of businessmen.

I fear for the future. People like this with no goals when take up engineering, they blame everyone but themselves and the stream gets the bad name. People want money, but they don't want to work from the beginning. Even after that they give up too easy.

People like Bill and Mark were not pre-destined. They made themselves. They were just like us, but they never got satisfied with themselves. We all have the capabilities to be them or even better. We just need to keep driving ourselves until we reach there, we don't have to get satisfied. We have to keep improving and learn from our mistakes, then try again.